How to Spot the Signs That Someone Is Struggling

Not every crisis looks like a breakdown. Learn how to spot subtle signs someone’s struggling, and how to respond without overreacting or brushing it off.

Ever look at a coworker and just know something’s off, even if they say they’re fine?

It’s one of the hardest parts of peer support: knowing when to lean in, especially when the signs are subtle.

Not everyone in crisis is going to fall apart in front of you. Sometimes, they’re still showing up to work, cracking jokes, and getting the job done, but inside, they’re unraveling.

If we wait until someone is completely falling apart, we’ve waited too long.

This episode will help you pay attention, spot red flags, and know when—and how—to check in.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN:

• The most common warning signs someone’s struggling emotionally
• What to say (and what NOT to say) when checking in
• Why “I’m fine” isn’t always the truth, and how to keep the door open

You don’t need to diagnose anyone. You just need to notice. And care enough to show up.

OTHER LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

StressCareDoc.com

Schedule a Discovery Call

https://stresscaredoc.com/consultation

Connect with Bart

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/bartleger

Facebook Page: facebook.com/survivingyourshift

Website: www.survivingyourshift.com

Want to find out how I can help you build a peer support program in your organization or provide training? Schedule a no-obligation call or Zoom meeting with me here.

Mentioned in this episode:

Houston Area CISM GRIN Training

This 3-day course, hosted by the Atascocita Fire Department, will teach you how to support your peers through effective communication, emotional resilience, and understanding the psychological impact of crises. Register for this training. https://stresscaredoc.com/atascocita-grin Dates: January 6-8, 2026 Times: 8:30 AM - 5:00 PM each day Location: Atascocita Fire Admin Building

Episode Transcript

Speak (00:01):
Not every crisis looks like a breakdown. Some of the
most serious struggles show upas silence, sarcasm, or maybe
subtle shifts in behavior. Intoday's episode, we're going to
talk about what to look for andhow to check in without making
matters

Interview (00:21):
Welcome to Surviving Your Shift, your go-to resource
for building strong, peersupport teams in high-stress
professions. I'm your host, BartLeger, board-certified in
traumatic stress with over 25years of experience supporting
and training professionals infrontline and emergency roles.
Whether you're looking to starta peer support team, learn new

(00:43):
skills, or bring training toyour organization, this show
will equip you with practicaltools to save lives and careers.

Speak (00:53):
Have you ever had a gut feeling that something was off
with someone on your team? Theysaid they were fine, but
something about their tone,their eyes, or maybe the way
they walked out of the room toldyou otherwise. Should you ask
them directly? Or should youwait it out? What about bringing
it up later? And what if you'rewrong? Or what if they're just

(01:17):
having a bad day? These arequestions that come up all the
time in Pure Support because noteveryone in crisis looks like
they're falling apart. Sometimes,people show up to work and they
joke and they keep busy, butinside, they're barely holding
it together. So, today, whatwe're going to do is talk about

(01:39):
how to spot the signs thatsomeone is struggling even when
they don't say a word, and, justas important, how to approach
them in a way that actuallyhelps.
Let's start with this. Most people don't raise their
hand and say, "I'm not okay,"especially in high-stress
professions like law enforcementor fire service, EMS, and

(02:00):
healthcare. We're trained topower through it, to show up and
keep it together for everyoneelse, but that doesn't mean
we're okay. In fact, the earlieryou can recognize the signs that
something's off, the betterchance you have of being a
life-giving presence beforethings spiral into full-blown
crisis. And that starts withknowing what to look for.

(02:24):
Not every warning sign will be obvious, but here are a
few categories of things to payattention to. So, first, there
may be changes in their behavior.I mean, all of us have a
baseline, whether we're usuallyreserved or outgoing, maybe loud
or quiet. And if someone isusually the life of the party

(02:45):
and they suddenly become quiet,or just the opposite. They're
usually the one in the roomwho's reserved, but has recently
become overly reactive. They maystop showing up to social stuff
or shift assignments. Or maybeeven short-tempered, or more
short-tempered than usual. Ifsomeone who's normally laid back

(03:08):
starts snapping at people,that's worth noticing. normally
engaged starts withdrawing, alsoworth noticing. Secondly, there
may be changes in how they showup to work, or maybe their
self-care. They stop shaving, ordoing their hair, or wearing a
clean uniform. They lookphysically exhausted, or show up

(03:32):
late multiple days in a row. Ormaybe you see signs of poor
sleep, or maybe even alcohol intheir breath. These are signs
that someone's energy is goingsomewhere else, either mentally
or emotionally. Another sign maybe dark or concerning humor
that's worse than usual. I know,first responders joke. We all

(03:56):
know that. But when the jokestake a sharp left turn into, I
wouldn't care if I didn't wakeup tomorrow. Or, it'd be easier
if I just disappeared. That'snot just dark humor. That's a
big red flag. So listen to thejokes, and don't assume they're
just blowing off steam.Sometimes, someone may begin

(04:18):
overcompensating. Some peopleactually go the other way. They
act too okay. They overwork, andoverjoke, and keep the mood
light all the time. And theynever slow down. And if you get
the sense they're performingfine instead of being fine,
don't ignore that. It's a mask.And sometimes, it's covering up

(04:41):
something maybe more seriousthan we realize.
And you may not be able to put your finger on what's
wrong, But if something feelsoff, you need to trust that
instinct. Because you know yourpeople, and you know their
normal rhythms and theirpersonality. And when you notice
that something is just different,well, it probably is. We talk a

(05:04):
lot about situational awarenesson calls, and this is the same
skill simply turned inward.We're paying attention to what
your gut is picking up to thosearound you.
So let's say you've noticed a few signs. Now what?
The goal is to approach them ina way that feels relational, and
not forced. And you're notdiagnosing them. You're simply

(05:28):
showing up. You might trysomething like, Hey, I noticed
you seem a little off lately. Icould be wrong, but I just
wanted to check in. You doingokay? it could be, You've been
quieter than usual. Just wantedyou to know, I'm here if you
ever want to talk. What you'redoing is, you're inviting them

(05:48):
to open up, and you're offering.You're not demanding. Now, don't
say, What's wrong with youlately? Or, you've been acting
weird. What's going on? Or, man,you need to talk to somebody.
Now, those will shut down aperson pretty fast, and it feels
like judgment, instead of simplybeing there for them. What you
want to do is, Keep your tonecalm, keep your body language

(06:11):
relaxed, And, don't push for aconversation right then and
there, if they're not ready.
And then, what do you do when they say, I'm fine? I mean,
that's the classic answer, right?you get, I'm fine, maybe you
could follow up with, Okay, ifthat ever changes, I just want
you to know, I've got time, nopressure. And, that simple

(06:34):
sentence keeps the doors open.Now, if I know someone really
well, I've been known to followup, I'm fine with, And, how's
that working out for you?Obviously, you have to do you,
and that might not beappropriate with everyone, but
I've often had them look at me,and kind of laugh, and say
something like, Well,
Not so great, I guess. And, that opened up the door,

(06:57):
for a follow up conversation.And, then if that doesn't work,
just stay consistent, checkingin now and then, making small
talk, being available, and thenthat door might open up later.
And, finally, one thing you need to remember, you're not
going to get it right, everytime. Because, we'll sometimes
misread a few situations, andwe'll miss others. That, that's

(07:21):
okay. What matters is thatyou're paying attention, that
you're willing to engage, andthat you care enough to say
something when something feelsoff. Because, sometimes, that
little nudge, that smallconversation, can be the thing
that helps someone find theirfooting again, or, maybe, even
save their life. So, if you areon a peer support team, or,

(07:45):
maybe, just someone who wants tobe there for your coworkers,
start watching. Watch for thequiet ones, and the jokes that
go a little too far. Watch forthe shifts in energy, or, maybe,
their emotions change, or, maybe,changes in behavior. And, when
you notice something, saysomething. You don't have to fix

(08:06):
it, you just have to show up,and be there. you're a
department, or, organization,wants help training your peer
support team, to recognize theearly signs of distress, I'd
love to help. VisitStressCareDoc.com, and schedule
a discovery call. And, could youdo me a favor? Please take a
moment, to share this podcast,with a friend, a colleague, or,

(08:28):
maybe, even another agency. Sendthem over, to SurvivingYourShare.
SurvivingYourShift.com Thanksfor spending this time, with me
today, on Surviving Your Shift.You don't need to be, a mental
health expert, to make adifference. You just need to be
observant, be consistent, andwilling to speak up, when it
matters. Next time, we'll betalking about, what to do, when

(08:50):
a peer mentions suicide. How doyou stay calm, what to say, and
how do you get them, the righthelp fast. Until then, God bless,
and have a great day.