Episode 8: Social Abuse

Social Abuse is easy to see in public when one partner is berating or humiliating the other in front of their friends, co-workers or family.  But what about at home? Behind closed doors? What does it look like to weaponize social relationships?

 Is spending time with your friends and/or family more of a hassle than it's worth? That was my experience. 

Some markers of social abuse include the following:
--Monitors communication (phone, email, text)
       (Can look like......They will bring up conversations that you had with your friends and family that you haven't had with your partner.  You will be called to task about things you haven't mentioned or websites you've visited when not in their presence. This means they're in your phone and email and reading your conversations.)

--Tracks social media
        (Can look like......Questions you about contacts, followers, content, and makes sure you know that they  know.)

--Monitors mileage
         (Can sound like....."Wow - 100 miles this week - you must have gone a few extra places today.  Where were you?" or "You need gas again? What extra stops have you been making?")

--Discourages friendships and/or relationships with family
          (This can especially be the case if those friends/family members are noticing mistreatment or calling to your attention the bad behavior of others.  The abusive partner sees this as a threat to their way of being and will try to discourage, make you doubt, or otherwise turn on previous friends or family.)

--Dictates freedom to education/employment
           (Discourages you from finishing your degree, education, class, etc. Makes you stay home to raise the kids, homeschool, or turns it to a "pampering" situation in which you "don't have to work" because they make enough money.  But that comes with control.)

--Keeps victim at home
          (Going out with friends is discouraged.  Leaving the house to workout or take a fun class is discouraged. Solo trips are forbidden.  Independence is discouraged.)

The biggest way this showed up for me was in the triangulation when my abuser consistently pitted me against friends and family.  Constant questioning.  Constant interrogations about what we talked about and what that person thought about him. It was all a threat, all a fight, and honestly it just ended up easier to not do the things than to have to hear about it and defend, justify, or reassure him every time I spent any time whatsoever with someone else, friends or family. 

If any of this sounds familiar, I encourage you to get curious and dig in a little.  Here's some resources for your journey.  As always, you're not crazy, you're not alone, you deserve healthy love, and you're safe here. 

Here’s the power and control wheel and red flags charts that I reference in this and other episodes.

Simple Steps to Phone Security / DV Resource Guide

What Is Social Abuse? Recognizing the Signs

I Didn't Know It Was Abuse

You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship If...*

Have you ever wondered if it's abuse