116. How to Control Your Anger as a Parent (Without Yelling)

Have you ever yelled at your child and instantly felt that wave of regret? 

You're not alone. 

Many parents, especially those practicing Gentle Parenting or navigating Power Struggles with a Neurodivergent Child or Toddler, find themselves caught in this cycle.

You might think the answer is just “more patience.” But what if the real solution is simpler—and more powerful?

In this Short Episode of the Weekly Podcast, we’re talking about 3 P-words that're game-changers for calm and peaceful parenting: Plan, Pause, and Practice. These simple parenting strategies don’t require perfection. They’re practical, doable, and help create a stronger parent-child connection.

We’ll also unpack how anxiety & emotions—especially something I call emotional “time travel”—can lead to big reactions like tantrums and yelling. But here’s the good news: you can end the yelling without becoming a different person.

With tools like the “Whoa, Low, Slow” method, you can bring more calm into family time, even during tough moments. One parent shared that after using these positive parenting tools, those long, exhausting fights melted away—and even her own father noticed the shift in her parenting.

This episode is packed with parenting tips & tools rooted in gentle discipline and gentle parenting—perfect for busy parents wanting more peace and less chaos.

💚 Download your free “Whoa, Low, Slow” template here:
 https://sustainable-parenting.myflodesk.com/zapec71w5c
(Magnet coming soon!)

🎧 And join us next week as we explore why kids often have angry outbursts at home—but not in public. You might be surprised how close you are to more peace and connection.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
As you move through challenging days where your kids
are testing boundaries orasking why or telling you
outright they won't do whatyou're asking, they won't listen
, do you find yourself yellingand being so frustrated and
telling yourself, oh, I justneed more patience.
Today, we're going to talkabout how to control your anger

(00:29):
without yelling and the threeP's that you actually need in
order to master respondingwithout yelling.
And it's not patience that'sthe biggest misconception that I
hear a lot of parents thinkingis going to get them out of this
pattern.
And boy, are we going to solveyour problem with a lot more
simplicity today.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.

(00:52):
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, to parent withkindness and firmness at the
same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.

(01:13):
Welcome.
So we're going to get into thethree Ps that you really need
instead of patience, the threePs that are so much more
powerful, so much more effectiveand, honestly, guys, simpler.

(01:36):
And when parents use thesethree Ps, I see them coming back
, sometimes within one week atthe most three to four weeks
saying holy cow.
I'm seeing such a difference inmy ability to stay calm and my
ability to not get so angry andnot be yelling.
Let's be honest.

(01:56):
We tend to end up in a place ofyelling at our kid.
Why are you doing this?
Why does this have to be sohard doing this?
Why does this have to be sohard?
Because A we're afraid thatthis means we're failing as a
parent, or we're afraid thatthis means that they are not
going to thrive as an adult orhuman in this world.
And both of those are relatedto what I consider time travel.

(02:19):
We go back in time to mistakeswe think we've made and regrets,
and what ifs and coulda, woulda, shouldas, maybe we even time
travel all the way back to howwe were treated as a child and
we overly assume that theirupset is just like some sort of
upset we had in our past andwe're not able to sort out that

(02:42):
that's not necessarily the case,able to sort out that that's
not necessarily the case.
So if we're time traveling intoour own self-doubt or our own
personal pain, that gets usreally scared and we're more
likely to lash out because ofthat fear.
Similarly, we might be timetraveling into the future and
thinking oh my God, does thismean I'm raising a psychopath?

(03:04):
Does this mean I'm raising akid that doesn't have any
respect, is never going to makeit in life?
Are they going to treat theirfuture boss like this?
And that future-focused panic,again based in fear, puts us in
a place where we're very scaredand likely to lash out and yell.
So, friend, I ask you today topause and think about am I

(03:27):
getting angry just because ofthe situation or is it because
the time travel of blame andfear that gets me to not only be
upset about what just happenedbut be upset about the layer of
what I'm putting on top of that?
Does that mean I've messedeverything up to this point or
does that mean my kid is goingto fail in the future?

(03:49):
That gets us to a place of fearwhere we're going to likely
panic and with that panic weeasily could end up yelling.
So, friend, one primary way tostop yelling is to notice that
and to acknowledge that if we godown that road, we're going to
keep being angry and we need tofind a different road.

(04:10):
So let me offer you threevaluable P words that take you
down a more effective road and,amazingly, put you in a space of
being less likely to be soangry and less likely to be
yelling.
I think of a mom, who I'll callDana, who I've been working with
with a very challenging sonwho's going into fifth grade,

(04:31):
who has been getting, you know,sent to the principal's office
many times during this lastschool year, was running away
from the school, running awayfrom outside of his house
because of being so upset likesevere, challenging behaviors,
and, of course, as you canimagine, that was leading mom to
have moments of yelling likewhy are you doing this?
Why are you making this so hard?

(04:52):
And this week in our parentcoaching session she had this to
say it is wild how much lessyelling there is in our house
right now.
We're not having the knockdownthree hour screaming fights that
we were having just threemonths ago.
My parents have spent a lot oftime with us in the last two
months and my dad just said lastweek boy, you've completely

(05:16):
changed how you're parenting thekids and I see a difference.
I'm so proud of you, so I wantto help you have the same
results that Dana had.
And here's how we get there.
Those three P's are a plan,practice and pause.
A plan practice or pause.

(05:38):
Now if you've been with me fora while, you know hopefully
you've been hearing this againand again, and it is because
it's so foundational that weneed to make agreements in
advance to see things go better.
I mean, the truth of the matteris we end up spending our
parenting energy either puttingout fires or in prevention, and

(06:01):
the plan is the prevention.
It's like let's not keepgetting so frustrated at bedtime
because, my gosh, every nightit's like they're asking for one
more thing and one more hug andthey're coming out 15 times.
It's so frustrating, I'm soangry.
Then I end up yelling whatwe're missing is a plan, an
agreement in advance that sayshey, let's be crystal clear,

(06:22):
we're going to do bedtime likethis and when it goes this way,
we have this reward in themorning or we have space for
this many books at the end ofour routine.
When we don't, we don't andfollow through and boy, we start
seeing change.
Make some more plans, like.
I got so frustrated with my sonone summer because he kept
leaving his bike in the drivewayat the end of the night I'd

(06:44):
have put him to bed.
I'd come out to look at myplants, because I love gardening
, be walking around and see,dang, that gosh darn bike is
sitting in the driveway again,and I'd be pissed and I'd want
to maybe yell at him in themorning like, oh, why do you
keep doing this?
So that frustration was solvedwith prevention and a plan of

(07:05):
saying you know what, caleb, I'mnot going to keep nagging you.
Or as it is worded in a bookI've been reading recently about
raising mentally strong kidsLove it by Daniel Amen.
As a side note In this book heuses the wording of saying I
love you too much to nag andrepeat myself or yell at you.

(07:26):
So I'm just going to be clearwith you.
If the bike is left out, I'mgoing to go ahead and put it in
the shed and it won't beavailable for a few days.
And when you put it away, it'stotally yours and free to use
when you want.
Okay, just letting you know youchoose.
When we empower ourselves withplans like that boy, does it

(07:53):
change our attitude?
You get sad, not mad.
You're like this is a bummerfor you, that you're not going
to be able to have the such andsuch.
I'm not going to be mad at you,I'm just going to be sad for
you that you have lost aprivilege because of what we
agreed would happen.
Step two is to work on using thetool of pause.
Pause is the hardest and mosteffective tool when mastered.

(08:14):
I teach a three-step process.
It's one of my favorites, whenkids are upset, that we call
whoa low and slow, and one ofthe crucial pieces is that after
each step of that recipe, wepause.
Count to seven with somesilence.
Most parents tell me when theymaster this that whoa is 90% for

(08:35):
them, like, ah, flora, that'sso important for me because it
just makes me like not startyelling but gives me space to go
.
Okay, how am I going to do steptwo?
And step two is to be able tosay you seem feeling word, you
seem frustrated, you seem sowiggly You're not being able to

(08:58):
listen.
Or we use the three words of Inotice, and then we name the
challenge we're seeing, I notice, this is hard for you.
You're not wanting to leave thepark.
That's not really three words,I guess, but it starts with two
words and then the third is likeyou insert what you're noticing
and then we pause.

(09:20):
We're talking in a slow way, aslow pace, with a low voice, and
then we end with what can we doto make this better?
Friend, if you'd like to get amagnet with this template on it
or you'd like to at least havejust the printout both of those

(09:43):
are available in the show notesof this episode Be sure to look
in that description and findwhere you can click to get a
magnet of the Woe, low, slowtemplate or a PDF to print at
home.
So, first of all, we'remastering a plan.
Second of all, we're usingpause.
And third, p is practice.

(10:05):
Give yourself permission thatit's not always going to be easy
right away and, goodness, ifyou need help with that, reach
out to a parenting coach likemyself to get the help you need
help with that.
Reach out to a parenting coachlike myself to get the help
you're needing so that you canhave support through that
practice.
But give yourself permission tobe imperfect and to know that

(10:27):
you can imperfectly be awonderful parent that's working
on progress and that's makingchange.
Friend, these are the threethings that I see really move
the needle for folks like Dana.
That's how Dana got to a placewhere she's like I'm not yelling
anymore.
She's making a plan on aregular basis.

(10:48):
She told me this abouttechnology.
She said we used to have somany upsets and yelling battles
around technology.
Every time we'd ask him to turnit off.
Now we've just been more clearabout our plan and firm and
following through on that planconsistently.
And what do you know?
It's decreased his resistance,decreased our battles, which
decreased our anger and fights.

(11:10):
Secondly, she's been practicingwoe, low and slow and using
pause and she's like I can'tbelieve the number of upsets
we've been able to move out ofinstead of moving into
explosions.
Cause I used to say, oh, you'rebeing so difficult, why can't
you just do the thing?
Why are you being so upset?
And that would make him moreupset than I'd get more upset.

(11:32):
But instead, when I use woe,low and slow, it deescalates
things.
And what do you know, when I'mable to deescalate things, I
feel more confident as a mom andas I'm deescalating things, it
feels so good to know we have adifferent way to respond to his

(11:52):
resistance and defiance or sillywiggly body.
We don't have to go the old waythat led to yelling.
And third of all, she's beengiving herself way more
permission to just be in apractice mode and be learning,
and to not judge herself whenthings don't go well, but
instead to reflect like whatokay, well, what did I learn

(12:12):
from that and what could I dodifferently next time?
Not in a shoulda way, but in aI'm gonna choose next time to
try this instead kind of way.
So, friend, I really hope thisserves you as well to move away
from yelling and to actuallyhave a solution that works.
Instead of telling yourself youneed to be more patient, lean

(12:33):
into the piece of making a plan,having more pause, giving
yourself permission to still belearning and growing.
And please join me next episode, as we're going to be talking
about why kids have angryoutbursts at home more often
than in public.
Why do we seem to hear from theteacher and the camp counselors

(12:54):
that this kid is so polite andcooperative and yet they come
home, meltdown in the car assoon as they've shut the door or
lash out on their siblings orus?
We are going to answer thequestion why do they do that and
what can we do about it?
See you next time.