117. Why Kids Have Angry Outbursts at Home (But not in Public)

Why do kids seem to save their biggest meltdowns for home?

You watch them stay polite and calm at school or during a family gathering—but the moment they’re back with you, it’s like a switch flips. Suddenly, there’s whining, power struggles, or a full-blown tantrum. If you’ve ever wondered why they hold it together for others but fall apart with you, this short episode of the Sustainable Parenting Weekly Podcast offers clarity, compassion, and parenting tips & tools that really work.

In this episode, we unpack what’s going on beneath your child’s after-school meltdowns and explore how anxiety & emotions often build up until they feel safe enough to release them—right when they’re back with you.

You’ll walk away knowing:

• Why your child’s toughest behaviors often show up with the person they feel safest with—and how that connects to parent-child connection
• What might be missing in your expectations (are they too high… or too low?) and how this impacts power struggles, especially with toddlers
• Three practical and gentle parenting strategies to reduce tantrums, stop power struggles with kids, and make transitions easier

We’ll also touch on tools from past episodes that are especially helpful if you’re raising a neurodivergent child or want more support with gentle discipline:

🌟 Episode 42: Why Typical Strategies Don’t Work with Neurodivergent Kids
🌟 Episode 115: Why Yelling Works—and What to Do Instead

If you’re looking for positive parenting strategies that help you get kids to listen, bring more calm confident parenting into your evenings, and truly enjoy your family time, this episode was made for you.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey friends, has this ever happened to you?
You get a glowing report fromthe teacher or you watch your
child hold it together for afamily gathering or party,
polite, patient, maybe even alittle quiet, but the minute you
get in the car or you get homeit's like a switch flips.
Suddenly there's whining,meltdowns, backtalk.
If you've ever wondered why canthey behave so well out there

(00:23):
but fall apart at home.
You are not alone and today'sepisode is for you.
Today, we're going to unpackthis with understanding and
compassion so that your life canfeel easier and lighter and
more joyful in your family timetogether.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.

(00:45):
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome to parent in ways thatare more realistic and effective
and, for that reason, finallyfeel sustainable.

(01:06):
Welcome, all right, friends.
So I'm so excited to help youunderstand what's underneath
this behavior and three ways tosolve it, and you're really

(01:26):
going to understand thesesolutions after I share a story
with you about Whitney, who cameto understand the power of a
carrot, and a client namedStephanie, who came to
understand the power of abuffalo.
First of all, there are two mainreasons that our kids are more
explosive towards us and morepolite out there in the world.

(01:47):
First, it's a compliment.
I know it's like, wait, I don'twant that kind of compliment.
I want that I love you so much,you're the best mom ever
compliment.
But honestly, that's what thisbehavior is conveying, because
our kids only are more explosiveand test more boundaries

(02:07):
because they feel safe enoughwith us to do so.
There's something very realcalled the after school
restraint collapse or after camprestraint collapse, after party
restraint collapse, and it'sthis essence that they're
holding it all together as muchas they possibly can.
And then when they come homeit's like, oh, okay, finally I

(02:29):
can let down all the effort Ihad to put in to being in that
space.
So, friend, first of all, it isa compliment that they're being
this way.
It means you are safe enoughthat they feel comfortable to do
that.
Another reason that kidssometimes are more explosive

(02:49):
with us is our expectationsmight be really high or really
low.
What I mean is sometimes we getlost at where we're at in our
child's development and westarted out doing everything for
them.
Then we got to this place wherewe just like tell them what
needs to happen and before weknow it they're in this place of
wanting more autonomy.

(03:09):
But we're still operating offthe default that they should
just do what we say because wesaid so and we're clashing Our
expectation that they shouldjust do what we say because
we're in charge is too high.
It's not realistic with theirdevelopmental stage of desiring
more autonomy and more freedom,and maybe at that camp or school

(03:30):
day they are getting a littlebit more autonomy and freedom.
So our expectations may be ofwhat this should look like being
too high, or are they being toolow Meaning every time the
child does melt down at us, wenegotiate with them and it's
like what I say we don't want tobe negotiating with a terrorist

(03:52):
or we encourage more terroristbehavior.
If we're having lowexpectations like, oh well, if
he's just so tired he's upset,I'm just going to give him the
candy bar, I don't care, I don'twant to battle over it we
reinforce that behaviorhappening to get things that
they want, and that could alsobe a reason we're seeing this.

(04:15):
So check ourselves.
Are our expectations too high,not matching their developmental
need for autonomy, or are theytoo low?
And we've been negotiating withthese terrorist moments
enforcing more of that behavior.
Now what do we do instead whenthey come home so that we can
have this go better and havelife feel easier?

(04:36):
We want more joy and ease inour daily life.
We don't want to be yelling atour kids.
We want them to cooperate andbe good listeners.
So when they get in our car ortheir get home with us after
some time at school or a camp orparty, I want you to think
about these key three solutionsand remember in just a moment

(04:57):
we're going to be talking abouthow that solution came out with
the value of a carrot and thevalue of a buffalo.
First and foremost, check thevitals.
One client, whitney, reallylearned this when she was saying
gosh, every time I pick up mydaughter from school and we do a

(05:17):
walk home, she's just sodifficult.
She flops on the ground.
I feel like I have to pick herup and drag her.
We end up in these screamingmatches and I'm like my gosh,
you were just so great when Igot you from school, what is
happening?
So she started to implementbringing some carrot sticks with
her so that they could nibbleon those as they walked home.
And what do you know?

(05:39):
The child was way moreregulated and it also just made
this like more communal moment.
Secondly, if your kid getseasily overstimulated in the car
or through their day, thenthey're put into the car with a
screaming younger sibling or asort of annoying younger sibling
.
Then let's empower them withways to put on headphones or

(06:01):
let's empower them with a way tobe able to have noise canceling
ear coverings or even justlittle tiny earplugs.
Let's empower them with squishytoys that they can use to
squeeze out the aggression oradrenaline they had through the
day of being overstimulated.
And the more a child might havesome sensory challenges, the

(06:22):
more we definitely want to havea sensory toolkit for that ride
home or a plan for a bit oftheir sensory diet, like large
joint compression happening assoon as we get home, and for
more if your child may have somesensory challenges at the end
of the day.
Please check out episode 42 ofmine, where it was titled why

(06:45):
typical strategies don't workwith neurodivergent kids, cause
this is a unique thing that wewant to make sure we're
addressing.
Episode 42, helping you withneurodivergent kids.
All right, step two is connectbefore you correct.
Now you've probably also heardabout this throughout the time

(07:07):
and being a listener here atSustainable Parenting and if you
haven't, please make sure youclick the subscribe button so
you don't miss future episodesto really get the full tool belt
of sustainable parenting tools.
But connection beforecorrection addresses that
concern I was talking about,about maybe having expectations
be too high or too low, so ifthey're starting to melt down it

(07:31):
was the worst day and why don'tyou have anything for me to
play with?
Or why can't we go to the park?
Lead with connection, and aneasy way to do that, I say, is
to name it, to tame it.
And in my last episode, episode115, we dove into a process I
call whoa, low and slow, whichis a great template for how to

(07:53):
name a child's feeling, namingit to tame it, how to slow down
the pace, to really connect towhat they're feeling.
Before we correct and let's notforget the correction, though
we want this combination of bothvalidation and boundaries, so
it's okay to try to slow down.
Name what you hear they'refrustrated about and then say

(08:14):
but let's talk in a respectfulway, let's slow down and we can
use our big boy voice.
Then I'm able to hear youbetter.
I want to help understand.
So a combination of validationand boundaries, connection
before correction.
And if you want to hear moreabout that, check last week's

(08:35):
episode, episode 115.
And third of all, the power ofthe buffalo.
Stephanie, with the power ofthe buffalo, was noticing that
her long 30-minute drive homefrom the private school her
child was going to was justtorturous with the child.
When she tried to ask how wasyour day?

(08:56):
Did you this, did you that?
Who did you play with?
Everything was answered with aone word answer and shortness
and crabbyness and annoyance andshe was like ugh.
And then we're just in thislike brutal 30 minute drive
together and I've missed my kidall day and it's just like such
an icky way to start into ourevening.

(09:16):
So we talked together abouttrying the strategy of sharing a
high, a low and a buffalo.
So what this looks like issetting a rhythm with your child
and you can talk about it inadvance.
How about when I pick you uptoday?
I'm going to ask you if youwant to share with me your high,
your low and your buffalo thebuffalo we call just something

(09:38):
random or something you'relooking forward to.
So what was your high from theday, your low from your day and
your Buffalo?
Something you're lookingforward to tomorrow or something
random?
And an interesting point tokeep in mind here is that it's
important to not rush into whatwas your high, what was your low

(10:00):
?
Tell me, I really want to knowit.
Like, how are you, what was it?
Sometimes our kids just need aminute.
So if you've said ahead of timejust something like hey, when
you're ready, I'd love to hearyour high, your low and your
Buffalo, and just wait, holdsilence.
Or if you have a child thatgets annoyed even at at you,

(10:21):
saying that I invite you to tryout not being the first one to
speak, like you give them a hug,I'm so glad to see you.
And then once you get in thecar, you hold silence and you
just wait until they initiatesomething.
Sometimes those kids that getvery frustrated easily and just

(10:41):
explosive with any question youask when they initiate, it looks
very different and they juststart, you know, word vomiting
things you wouldn't believe thatthey are open to sharing
because you just held silence.
So, friend, these are my threekey tools for you to be able to

(11:03):
see a difference that can makeyour evening more enjoyable,
your time after school, yourtime after you've left a party
more enjoyable with an otherwiseexplosive child.
I saw it happen with Whitney,saw it happen with Stephanie.
The power of the carrot, thepower of the buffalo and these
other tools of connection beforecorrection, validation and

(11:24):
boundaries.
I hope this serves you to beparenting with kindness and
firmness at the same time, soparenting can finally feel
sustainable.
And, friend, join us next weekas we're going to dive into how
we can often feel like failuresin motherhood or fatherhood and

(11:45):
the truth about that feeling.
See you then.