118. The Truth About "Failing" as a Mom

Do you ever lie awake at night feeling like you're failing your children?

You’re not alone. Many parents—especially those practicing Gentle Parenting or raising a neurodivergent child—carry the weight of perfectionism and self-doubt. In fact, research shows a staggering 78% of mothers believe they aren’t doing enough for their kids.

But what if the idea of perfect parenting is actually getting in the way of connection?

This episode of the Weekly Podcast brings a truth that might just set you free: According to Circle of Security research, you only need to “get it right” about 30% of the time for your child to develop secure attachment.

That’s right—30% is an A+ in the world of Positive Parenting and Calm & Peaceful Parenting.

When I first discovered this as a mom myself, I wept with relief. After years of chasing parenting tips & tools, reading books, and trying to end the yelling, this one truth released so much pressure. Suddenly, I could lean into simple parenting strategies that actually created more joy in our family time—even during tantrums or power struggles with my toddler.

Even more powerful? Research by Donald Winnicott on the “good enough mother” shows our imperfections benefit our kids. Just like trees need wind to grow strong roots, our children need manageable challenges to develop what I call their “struggle muscles.” These tough moments—whether it’s a meltdown, resistance, or a burst of anxiety & emotions—are part of how they grow resilience.

That’s why gentle discipline isn’t about being perfect—it’s about staying connected through imperfection. As Dr. Jane Nelsen once told me: “The one thing parents need to do differently is stop trying to be perfect.”

If you’ve been craving real talk, science-backed insight, and encouragement in a short episode format, this one’s for you. Subscribe to the Weekly Podcast for more gentle parenting ideas, and join us next week as we unpack what many parents misunderstand about their child’s anger and rudeness.

Ready to take the next step toward parent-child connection and more peace in your home? Check the episode notes to schedule a one-on-one session with me or one of my trained parenting coaches.

You are already doing more than enough. Let's make parenting feel lighter—together.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Friend, did you know?
A 2018 survey in Today Parentsfound that 78% of moms feel like
they're failing because theythink they're not doing enough
for their kids.
If you have struggled withthose feelings, you are
certainly not alone.
And, friend, I have really goodnews for you throughout this
episode, because we're not onlygoing to unpack what that

(00:23):
failure is about and how we canchange it inside ourselves, but
powerful research that talksabout the benefits of us failing
our children.
So stay tuned.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline

(00:46):
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
So why do we all feel likewe're failing?

(01:15):
Why do we feel like we need tobe doing so much more?
I mean not only the study thatI said in the intro about 78% of
moms saying that they feel likethey are not doing enough for
their kids, but in 2020, a PewResearch study also found that
about 60% of parents worry theyaren't spending enough time with

(01:35):
their kids, and this worry is amajor factor in feeling like
they're falling short.
And you know what I think theroot of that is.
I mean, I really I know I'mgenerally recording this for
everyone, but I picture yousitting there.
I picture the moms and dadsthat I see in my parent coaching
sessions and I picture theirfaces as I'm speaking to you

(01:56):
right now.
I know what's true about you isthat you care deeply about
parenting.
Well, you wouldn't be listeningto a parenting podcast if that
wasn't something that you reallyhighly valued.
And also, I think there are twothings that you're getting
wrong that are making you feellike you're failing when you're
not.

(02:16):
So the first main reason thatmany parents feel like they're
failing is exactly what's listedfrom these studies.
They feel like they aren'tdoing enough or spending enough
time with their kids, and what Ihear as I talk to parents
regularly in my parent coachingwork is that that often is about
thinking I want healthyattachment for my child.

(02:37):
I want them to feel like wehave a close relationship and I
want them to have a healthyattachment to me as their
attachment figure, because Iknow how important that is to
the other relationships they'regoing to have in their life.
Friend, here is the amazingnews.
Circle of Security has been amodel of intervention for
parents and helping them sincethe late 1990s.

(03:00):
And you know what they havefound?
After working with thousands ofcohorts of parents and doing
some really great follow-upresearch about the results,
friend, they have found that 30%is all you need.
It turns out you only need toget it right about 30% of the

(03:23):
time for your child to developsecure attachment.
If we are striving for the bestand getting it right about 30%
of the time, that's an A plus.
And when I learned thisstatistic when I was a mother
about, I want to say, seven oreight years ago I went through a
circle of security trainingmyself as a mom.

(03:44):
I was an attendee, not theteacher, and I cried during that
experience and one of those bigreasons was this realization
Are you kidding me?
I remember thinking to myselfsitting in that little room.
We were in a pretty tight room,about six of us moms, along

(04:04):
with the facilitator, looking atvideos on her laptop that was
just set on top of a coffeetable, while we each sat on
pillow cushions on the floor,and I remember hearing the
statistic just melts me.
I mean, in my counselingeducation, my master's with a

(04:26):
specialty in working with kidsand families, I had never heard
this before.
All I had heard was all thethings you're supposed to do
right, all the ways you'resupposed to attend to your
children and validate yourchildren and support your
children and listen to them.
And, you know, hold clearboundaries, what to do, do, do,
do, do.
It wasn't until just a few yearsago I learned the beautiful

(04:48):
truth that you only have to getall of that right about 30% of
the time to develop secureattachment.
And boy did that truth unlockso much.
For me, it's like when thosefloodgates of high expectation

(05:11):
and perfectionism were let go.
Then it's like a dam beingbroken where the whole level of
the water comes down.
It was like my tension, mystress, which often came out
yelling at my kid or snapping,and of course we talk about that
a lot in the last two episodesright before this one.
Be sure to check those out.

(05:32):
But it's like a lot of that gotbrought down when I realized,
oh, I don't have to do thisperfectly.
Oh my gosh, it felt so good andI want to remind you of that
today If you've been feelinglike a failure.
First myth you may be believingis that you have to get it right
all the time and you don't.

(05:54):
30% is all we need in order toestablish healthy attachment.
And also, that reminds me, oneof my favorite podcast
interviews I got to do was withDr Jane Nelson, the co-founder
of Positive Discipline, withLynn Lott, and she and I talked

(06:14):
on episodes 57 through 59.
And one of my favorite thingsshe ended the whole interview
with was but you know what,flora?
The one thing that I think moreparents need to do differently
is stop trying to be perfect.
I loved that she ended theinterview with me in that way of

(06:35):
saying you don't have to beperfect.
Her words even were I never,was.
I never figured it out and Iwas like, oh gosh, I love
hearing you say that Someone whosold millions of books
worldwide can come to this placein an interview and say but
it's not about perfection.
Nobody's perfect.
I was never perfect.

(06:55):
I just loved that so much.
So, friend, first myth todispel today is you don't have
to be perfect.
The second key thing is thatthere's actually a lot of
research about how it benefitsyour child for you to not be
perfect.
Do you know, in the 1950s therewas some research done by

(07:18):
Donald Winnicott, a Britishpsychoanalyst.
He coined the term the goodenough mother and he observed
that mothers naturally, likequote, fail their child in small
ways.
Like you know, their child'sasking for their attention and
they say I can't give it to youright now.
Or they, you know, may saysomething in not quite the

(07:41):
perfect way and guess what?
It actually builds resilienceand helps children tolerate
frustration.
The good enough motherdisillusions her child in
manageable doses and that'sactually okay.
It's okay to have moments whereyou don't say things right and

(08:04):
you come back and you apologize.
It's okay to have moments whereyour kid really wanted
something and you weren't ableto do it.
It's okay, going back to thebeginning, for your child to
maybe desire more time with youand you, not to be able to
always do everything they'd likeyou to do.
The good enough parent is theone who's not harmful, who's not

(08:25):
hurtful, but also doesn't haveto be perfect.
That can disappoint their kidsin various ways and have that be
those manageable doses thatactually benefit the child in
building their character.
It reminds me also of an imageabout trees that you know they

(08:48):
were doing an experiment to tryto find out, like if our
atmosphere became unlivable andwe had to live in sort of a
vacuum, could we createeverything we need inside that
protected space to thrive?
And so it was like this domedbubble that had trees planted
and crops planted, of course,had oxygen pumped in.

(09:11):
And one of the things theyfound very interesting was they
planted trees, they grew, theywere thriving, they were doing
well, but after a while ofgrowth they fell over.
Even though they were gettinglarger and had soil and light
and oxygen, they were missingsomething important.

(09:32):
They found that wind is reallyimportant to a tree, producing
its best network of roots, thatevery time the tree experiences
some wind, some push, pull, theroots are like oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on.
We got to grow out a littlewider, we got to get a little
stronger to be able to hold upthis tree that's growing.

(09:54):
And the roots only knew to dothat growth when they were
responding to the turmoil of thewind happening to the trunk and
branches.
Friend, that's the same with ourkids.
If we protected them from anysort of bumps in the road, they

(10:14):
don't get that frustration,tolerance built up.
They don't build what I like tocall their struggle muscles.
So, friend, two key things Iwant you to know today if you've
been beating yourself up,feeling like a failure number
one you do not have to beperfect.
30% of the time is the actual,true measure of what can lead us

(10:35):
to healthy attachment.
And, second of all, that it'sokay for us to not be perfect,
because that actually can helpour child build their struggle
muscles and build their owncharacter of frustration
tolerance.
Friend, I hope this serves youwell in your sense of how to

(10:57):
parent with kindness andfirmness at the same time.
So parenting finally feelssustainable, that you're able to
be that calm, confident parentyou always wanted to be.
And if you're looking for moreresources to get there, remember
that's the work I love to doone-on-one with my clients and
now have associates working withme to do the same.
You can schedule a time tolearn more in the comments or

(11:21):
notes section of this episode.
And if you'd like more of thesestrategies to help you along
your road, remember to subscribe.
And if this has meant somethingto you, please leave a comment
by scrolling all the way down tothe bottom of episodes,
clicking that fifth star andsharing why you value being in
this space with us For next week.
We're going to get into whatmost people get wrong about

(11:44):
their child's angry or rudebehavior, so be sure to join us
again.