115. How to Get Kids to Listen Without Yelling

If you’ve ever wondered why yelling seems to “work” in the moment but leaves you feeling disconnected from your child, this episode is for you. We’re exploring how to create a stronger parent-child connection by balancing kindness and firmness—so you can practice calm confident parenting without the guilt or frustration.

In this short episode of our weekly podcast, you’ll discover:

• Why kids push boundaries and what they’re really asking for
• How to get kids to listen without yelling or shaming
• Why being overly gentle often backfires—and how kind and firm parenting creates lasting change
• A simple CEO approach that blends gentle discipline with positive parenting strategies
• Practical parenting tips & tools to stop power struggles with kids

If you’re ready for parenting without yelling and want to replace frustration with connection, tune in and learn gentle parenting strategies for raising confident kids while building sustainable parenting habits.

🎧 Want more parenting tips & tools?

Check out Episode 71: 3 Steps That Get Kids to Listen—a great intro to the CEO method: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/71-3-steps-that-get-kids-to-listen/id1682538739?i=1000665256022. 

And don’t miss next week’s episode, where we’ll talk about how to control your anger as a parent—without raising your voice.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (11:50):
The reason that yelling works comes down to one
super simple thing, and I thinkyou'll hear it in this story.
So there was a time with my sonwhere I was so frustrated that
I had to keep repeating myself,repeating myself and then
finally yelling to get hisattention to do the things that

(12:11):
needed to be done to get out thedoor.
I would be telling him come on,we have to get your shoes on.
You still haven't packed yourlunch.
Oh, my gosh, we are going to belate.
Why aren't your shoes on yet?
And where's your coat?
And then we get into the car.
It's like we didn't get yourcoat.
Oh gosh, dude, and I'm like agrowler.
That's my oh, that's like agrunt, that's my frustration

(12:35):
place.
And then I'd be like dude, youare making this so hard.
I'd say things like that Ireally didn't want, that's not
how I want to end my morningafter I send him off to school,
and yet it would feel likethat's the only thing that would
finally get his attention.
Come on, we have to go, andthen he would start moving.

(12:56):
But guess what?
And something changed when Imade a tiny shift, and it was
this I said to him here's thedeal I'm going to be getting in
the car at 7.55.
If you're ready, I'm happy todrive you.

(13:18):
If you're not, you can walk orride your bike.
We live close enough to theschool that that is possible.
And when the moment came thathe was not ready and I just said
sounds like you're riding yourbike, he huffed, he was upset,
he got himself to school, camehome, guess what, next morning,

(13:42):
morning after morning, aftersuch a different kid.
So I thought to myself this isexactly that thing that I work
with so many parents on.
It is not that it's the yellingthat was working.
What was working was that heknew I meant it.

(14:05):
Our kids are wired to push theboundaries, you guys I mean.
One time I saw on a hospitalwebsite a kid's job is to test
rules and boundaries to see whathappens when they do.
Oh, it's so brutal and painful.
I wish that didn't have to betheir job, because guess what
that means?
My job as the mom is to holdthe clear boundaries when

(14:28):
they're pushing up and trying tofind where they exist.
That's our job to hold kind andfirm boundaries.
So why does yelling work?
Why yelling works is becausethey know you finally mean it.
And for many people, what Ifind when they reach out to me

(14:49):
is that they are in this cycleof yelling because they're using
a lot of other tools that donot have the structure enough
that shows they mean what theysay and they say what they mean.
So if we're always just like,please, honey, can we do this,
how about if we try it this way?
We're always just focused onthem being happy enough through

(15:11):
the process or them beingagreeable.
Through the process of trying toget out the door or moving
through the upset of them notliking what's going on, friend,
we set ourselves up to end uphaving to yell.
And it's because there's thisbalance there is a constant, I
swear, a universe balancebetween kindness and firmness,

(15:31):
if you are overly kind in termsof not holding boundaries and
being wishy-washy about when youhave a certain consequence or
not, or wishy-washy about whenyou're going to remind 17 times
and when you're going to beupset after two.
If that is not clear, theuniverse says I guess we have to

(15:51):
go to the other end and finallyput you in a place where you're
going to be super firm and wantto yell and control the
situation.
There just is an equilibrium.
It's not your fault, it's notanything that means that you are
a bad mom or dad.

(16:12):
It's just, I swear, theuniverse's balance.
And so, friend, if you want tochange that cycle and the other
key thing that happens here is,then we end up in a guilt spiral
back and forth, where, becausewe've blown up, we feel guilty
and we might overly compensate.

(16:34):
This also can happen in thatbalance where if someone's
overly harsh and only yellingevery time to get a child's
attention, they feel bad andthen do things like just try to
buy them an extra toy when theycame home from a work trip or
let them have more tech timethan you really agreed to,
thinking somehow that's going tobalance out and have a more

(16:57):
positive relationship with yourchild.
But it's not Neither end ofthat spectrum and bouncing back
and forth builds a respectful,responsible child who turns into
a respectful, responsible adult.
So the reason yelling works isthey know you mean it.
They are seeking boundaries,they're seeking to know the edge

(17:20):
, and the truth is they like,once they finally feel clear on
where your boundary is, there'ssome amount of them.
That's like okay.
And do you know what that is?
That's because it's a piece ofattachment.
An underrated aspect ofattachment is predictability,
clarity that we know where thatboundary is.

(17:42):
So, friends, let's figure outthe better way to give them the
clarity that we mean what we sayand the clarity of
predictability, and that is tohave healthy, kind and firm ways
to mean what you say and saywhat you mean.

(18:02):
And, friend, that's what Iteach in my signature CEO.
Template of sustainableparenting is we can end what I
call the cuckoo cycle.
Just commands and consequences.
Cuckoo commands, consequences.
Or another parent added infloor.
I think you need to add thethird C is control.

(18:23):
It's all about we're trying tohave commands, consequences and
control be what changes theirbehavior.
That's what yelling is oftenabout.
And instead we move into CEO,which is an acronym for the
three main steps that, when yougo through those steps, it
drastically changes your childfeeling like they understand

(18:45):
where the boundary is in a kindand firm way.
So, friend, if you want to learnmore about this, I have a link
down below in my clarity call.
I have a link down below thatconnects you with me or one of
my associates to be able to havea clarity call or session to

(19:07):
start moving you forward so thatyou can replace yelling with
something else that means youmean it.
We take the mean out of sayingwhat you mean so you can parent
with kindness and firmness atthe same time.
Thank you, and if you want ashort intro into what that

(20:17):
system looks like, episode 110has a great summary of some
aspects of CEO.
That's from May 20.
And if you want some more tip,if you, if you want to
understand this CEO piece, thisCEO acronym, and get some

(20:38):
beginning tools with around that, please check out episode 110,
which is why kids don't listen,and three simple solutions for
better communication.
And if you want to dive deeper,let's connect, because that's
what I do, one-on-one, in apersonalized way with families
through parent coaching.
Myself or one of my associateswould be happy to meet with you

(21:00):
to quickly get you into a betterplace, where you are parenting
with kindness and firmness atthe same time and parenting
finally feels sustainable.
And, friend, don't forget tocome back next week as we're
going to talk about and friendjoin me next week.

(21:21):
And and friend join me nextweek.
And and friend join me for mynext episode, where we'll be
talking about how to controlyour anger as a parent without
yelling, because, let's behonest, there are a lot of
pieces that lead us to get angryand I want to help you to

(21:44):
unlock your most calm, confidentself as a mom or dad.
See you then.