119. What Most Parents Get Wrong About Rude (or Angry) behavior

Ever feel like nothing works when your child lashes out—no matter how calm you try to be or how many consequences you give?

Friend, you’re not alone. And you’re not doing it wrong. This weekly podcast episode is for every parent who’s felt worn down by rude words, angry outbursts, or aggressive behavior—and is craving a better way. A way that actually works and feels good in your heart.

In this short episode, we’re digging into three common mistakes that loving parents often make (through no fault of their own) when trying to manage tough behavior in kids aged 5–12. We’ll shift the lens from “my child is being mean” to “my child is missing a skill or struggling with a need”—and that shift changes everything for parent-child connection.

You’ll hear how one simple principle—all feelings are allowed, but not all actions are—became a total game-changer for one mom I worked with. We’ll explore gentle discipline strategies that hold firm boundaries without shame or yelling, and instead respond with tools that build your child’s emotional regulation and confidence.

You’ll also learn about a favorite tool called “Bugs and Wishes,” which helps kids say what’s bothering them without name-calling, aggression, or defiance. And we’ll talk about how to stop power struggles with kids and break free from the exhausting “cuckoo cycle” of commands and consequences, stepping into calm, confident parenting that lasts.

These are Positive Parenting Strategies and calm parenting tips that help you raise confident kids, improve parent-child connection, and bring more cooperation into your home. 

This is Sustainable Parenting—where you can practice kind and firm parenting, embrace parenting without yelling, and finally feel more joy and ease in everyday life.

If you’re ready for practical parenting tips & tools that actually work—and want to know how to get kids to listen while keeping your cool—press play and let’s walk this path together.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Do you have a child between 5 and 12 who does things
that are really rude or angryexpressions that you're
frustrated with and you findyourself thinking why does this
not change?
I feel like I have explainedwhy this is not okay.
I have set consequences when hekeeps doing it, I have tried to

(00:22):
calm him down when he is justraging in irrational ways, and
nothing I seem to do makes thiswhole thing better.
Friend, if this is familiar foryou, today is the episode that
will help give you strategies tocorrect what most people get
wrong about rude and angrybehavior in our kids.

(00:43):
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time and give you theexact steps to be able to parent

(01:03):
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome, and Brent, I can'twait to share with you today the
secrets about the red light,green light method, bugs and

(01:26):
wishes and the iceberg of angrybehavior.
Let's get started.
So, friend, there are threemain things that people often
get wrong about angry,aggressive behavior, and we're
going to clear that up today sothat you can have better results

(01:47):
of behavior actually changingand back to more enjoyment of
your child, because for surethis takes away our enjoyment
and can even get us in a mentalspace of saying I don't like my
kid.
I think of a client, who I'llname Jessica, who I just met
with yesterday and is such aloving, grounded, soulful mama.

(02:09):
She's one of those women.
As you listen to her you justfeel her groundedness and yet
she has been feeling often verychaotic and out of control and
anxious when her child is sorude and angry because she has

(02:31):
not found a way that changesthat behavior and it's very
upsetting to her nervous system.
It's this conflict she sharesbetween wanting to allow the
anger, because in her childhoodanger was not allowed, but also
wanting to enjoy her child andalso there's some amount of like

(02:52):
protecting the relationshipbetween dad and the two boys,
because there's conflict therearound the lack of more
respectful behavior and it'sdysregulating everyone.
So how do we both allow angerand also preserve a space that's

(03:14):
harmonious and respectful toeveryone?
You know, in positivediscipline.
One of the tenants that I followthat I love is it's grounded in
the concept that we must beparenting in ways that are
respectful to both the child andourselves.
There's a saying thatboundaries healthy boundaries

(03:35):
are the distance at which I canlove both you and me at the same
time.
So that's what this is about,right?
This is why it's an important,positive parenting strategy to
be able to hold healthyboundaries when our kids are
angry.
And here's what I want you tothink about.
I want you to think of thetenant that comes from how to

(03:56):
talk so kids will listen andlisten, so kids will talk.
That all feelings are allowed,but certain actions must be
limited.
That's what I was just goinginto with Jessica yesterday in
our session.
Is that's the clarity thisconflict she was having?
There doesn't need to beconflict.
You can do both and both at thesame time.

(04:20):
Doesn't have to be a, but it'sa.
I can allow you to feel yourfeelings and I can hold
boundaries that you won'texpress them rudely to me.
What does that look like thatin how to talk so kids will
listen, listen, so kids willtalk.
The book says all feelings areallowed.
Certain actions must be limited, and as I talked this through

(04:45):
with Jessica yesterday, I sawher take a deep breath and just
she said with her words then,with a sigh of relief oh, that's
what I've been missing.
I kind of felt like it was oneor the other, either being, you

(05:05):
know, reflective, in a gentleparenting way, of my child's
feeling and allowing them tofeel anger, or I was shutting
them down if I were to holdboundaries.
I said, no, we can do both.
We can allow and supportfeelings and hold boundaries.
And something I want to mentionhere, if you want to follow up
more on this idea, is to checkout episode 84, which was titled

(05:29):
tell your kids where they canhit, scratch or scream, which
was this wonderful developmentthat we went into with another
client of mine I'll name Carrie,who it would.
That was the game changer to beable to say to her child you
are allowed to scream and andscratch.
If you need to do that, go inyour bedroom, you can scratch

(05:52):
your stuffies, you can screaminto your pillow, and so more
elaboration on that and whatthat looks like is an episode 84
.
Side note, I recently did aworkshop on this topic and if
you'd like to purchase thereplay of the full curriculum,
you can do so.
It was a 30 minute educationand 30 minute question answer
time from real parents.
Live with me.

(06:13):
You can do so atsustainableparentingcom slash
workshop.
That's also a place where youcan find the next upcoming
workshops, where you could belive with me learning and asking
questions.
But for today, friend, I want totalk about what we're mostly
getting wrong with rude,aggressive behavior.
The first thing that I see manyparents get wrong is seeing it

(06:36):
as intentional meanness.
I will have parents that cometo me and because this has
become a pattern of behavior andbecause they're starting to get
in a mindset of almost just notliking their kid because of how
it triggers their own buttons,they can start believing titles

(06:56):
like he's just mean, he justlikes to bully or he's a bully.
I have heard parents call theirchild those names, not even
realizing that they're namecalling, and this is an
important shift in a mindset.
I know you may say I know Idon't think he's a bully, but
it's just something that comesout.
No, the words we use areindications of the beliefs we're

(07:22):
holding and the beliefs we'reholding impact the ways we
behave.
So if we see that our child istheir behavior is about them
being mean or a bully, we arenot going to be responding as
effectively.
Instead, I want us to be wiseparents that know that the
actions of rude and aggressivebehavior are really instead,

(07:46):
typically about lagging skillsor unsolved problems Lagging
skills of how to more maturelyexpress their emotion and manage
their emotions, or unsolvedproblems of things where we're
not having routines cleared up,we're not being clear about
what's expected of them.
So of course, we're seeing thislike anger and rudeness because

(08:08):
they're not in the know and wehaven't solved the problem of
having more clarity of what'sexpected.
So we need to shift fromthinking that they're just rude
or mean or a bully.
And it's like if I could drawfor you a picture of an iceberg,
we'd see that that behavior isjust on the tip and underneath

(08:29):
the surface is either a laggingskill or an unmet need or an
unsolved problem.
And this is one of the thingsthat I love to clear up for
folks in our work in parentcoaching, and so we can get into
those nuances.
If you're looking for someoneto help you personally, you know
, unpack that and figure outwhat your child's unmet need or

(08:51):
lagging skills are.
Absolutely, remember, you canalways go to the bottom of the
show description and click thelink there for us to have a free
clarity call.
But let's move on.
The second and third things.
I want you to know that mostparents get wrong about rude,
aggressive behavior.
Are this Number two forgettingto teach a replacement.
We forget to teach areplacement behavior, which

(09:16):
means if we're just focused onthe red light, we are missing
the chance to do the green light.
What does this look like?
Often we're telling kids whenthey're rude and aggressive, you
can't do that.
That is not appropriate.
That is not acceptable.
You can't talk to me that way.
But are we giving a replacementLike?

(09:38):
One of my favorite replacementsis the bugs and wishes template,
especially for kids under abouteight.
They love this.
The chance that if you're mad,you can say to someone it bugs
me when you do this.
The chance that if you're mad,you can say to someone it bugs
me when you do this.
And I wish that you would dothat.
Bugs and wishes.
But like?
Do they land on the planetknowing that's how to express

(09:58):
themselves?
No, they just say he's mean,he's annoying, he's stupid.
That's what comes out that, notbecause they're a mean kid, but
because we haven't taught thereplacement.
So I call that the green light.
The red light is when we'retelling them what not to do.
But oh my goodness, we get somuch farther if we make sure we

(10:20):
are always pairing that with thegreen light, the instead.
Here's what I want to see youdo instead, and you can get more
on that in episode 97, gentlediscipline.
How to be firm, not punitive,to redirect behavior.
So two main things that peopleare often getting wrong about
rude and aggressive behaviorFirst, seeing it as intentional

(10:42):
meanness when really it's alagging skill or an unsolved
problem or unmet need.
Number two, forgetting to teachthe green light replacement
behavior.
And three, focusing onpunishment, hoping that that
will really change things.
This is what I call the cuckoocycle.

(11:02):
Parents often with rudebehavior get in just commands
and consequences.
They're explaining what theywant them to do differently,
with gentle parenting in mind,wanting to make sure they're
parenting without yelling.
They're doing a lot ofexplaining of what's not allowed
and then when that doesn't work, they end up flipping over to
the opposite and get to a placeof yelling.

(11:23):
And when we want to doparenting without yelling, it's
important to shift from thecuckoo cycle of just commands
and consequences beingthreatened to what I call the
CEO steps.
So much more effective, so muchmore connected and fun and
playful.
As a mom this morning that Ijust had a clarity call with

(11:45):
said, it's like I find that I'mjust throwing out these
consequences as my first way torespond when they don't listen,
and then it's like I'm doingthat all the time and there's no
joy in my time with my kid andso I don't know what else to do.
I'm trying to hold betterboundaries, suffer with a
purpose as you talk about Flora,but I think I'm missing

(12:06):
something, and I said you are myfriend.
What's missing is you're stillstuck in the cuckoo cycle
commands, consequences that'swhy I call it cuckoo commands,
consequences, the beginningletters, and instead we want to
elaborate your tool belt withCEO, and I do that in my three
month program that is juststarting the new cohort in

(12:28):
August, so be sure to reach outto us if you'd like to be on
that wait list, and there's alink in the show notes as well.
So we don't want to just focuson punishments.
We want to have more tools inthe tool belt, things that are
involving connection, thingsthat are involving ways to
encourage cooperation withplayfulness, and there are many

(12:51):
other episodes where we have duginto those topics as well.
So, friend, those three thingsare the ones that I often see
people getting wrong the most.
And one final thing I'll say asa bonus is that we've got to
address the problem in the rightmoment, and many parents tell

(13:11):
me what they get wrong is tryingto change behavior in the angry
, expressive moment, trying tocontrol it when the child has
flipped their lid and are in anemotional place where they're
not able to respond to muchreasoning, and we're not going
to get very far with that.
So again, if you'd like all thetips and tools related to this

(13:33):
and the three main replacementoptions, please check out the
replay that you can purchase atsustainable parentingcom slash
workshop.
But I hope that these threereminders of what to shift will
get you in a starting place ofat least decreasing the errors
that you have possibly beenmaking in moments of rude or
aggressive behavior, to help youto parent with kindness and

(13:55):
firmness at the same time.
So parenting finally feelssustainable.
Join us next week as we'regoing to talk about proven ways
to decrease negative thinkingerrors in your child.