120. Squashing ANTs: Tools for Your Child's Negative Self-Talk

That crushing moment when your child says, “I’m stupid” or “Nobody likes me” can leave you feeling helpless. You’ve tried everything — reassurance, distraction, even giving in — but the negative thought loops just won’t quit.

In this episode of the Sustainable Parenting podcast, we dive into one of the most common parenting challenges: those Automatic Negative Thoughts (what brain psychologist Daniel Amen calls ANTs) that sneak into our children’s minds. These thoughts not only affect their mood but can chip away at their confidence and cooperation.

The best part? These tools don’t just help with negative thoughts in childhood— they are a key tools for raising confident adults, giving the tools for lifelong resilience and self-confidence. Bonus - these are great tools for US to use, too (as parents). When we model these ways to decrease our own shame and blame, we help our kids to see that they can do it, also.

So if you’re ready to trade helplessness for hope, tune in. 

By the time you finish listening you will know:

✨Positive parenting strategies you can start using today.

✨Four simple, science-backed tools to help your child recognize and reframe negative thinking. 

You’ll discover how adding a tiny word like “yet” can shift their whole outlook, why swapping out extreme words like “always” and “never” can calm their big feelings, and how a simple butternut squash story completely changed the way I approach these moments with my own kids.

Together, we’ll explore sustainable parenting solutions that balance kindness and firmness — so your child can grow in confidence, and you can finally feel more calm, connected, and confident in your parenting.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Do you ever notice your child spiraling into
negative self-talk, sayingthings like I'm stupid, nobody
likes me, I'll never be good atthis?
It can be so heartbreaking andfrustrating to hear our kids get
stuck in those thought loops,and today we're diving into a
powerful tool that I love fromDaniel Amen in order to change

(00:25):
the negative thinking patternsthat may be going on.
And, friend, make sure you staytill the end, because I'm going
to share how butternut squashchanged my life and the power of
ants.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.

(00:45):
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time and give you theexact steps to be able to parent
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.

(01:16):
First, I want to highlight ourlistener of the week, who is
AGBSCHE I don't know how topronounce that who says this
podcast made me feel seen andfinally be confident in my
parenting boundaries.
Thank you so much for sharingthat and I'm so grateful that
this podcast is impacting you inthat way.
Our goal here is always toempower and equip you to be the

(01:40):
calm, confident parent youalways wanted to be, and I'm so
glad that you're experiencingthat.
Friend, if you'd like to leavea review to share how
sustainable parenting has beenimpacting your life, I would be
so grateful.
It helps others to know what'spossible in their families too,
and you can do so easily byscrolling to the bottom of all
episodes, clicking on that fifthstar and leaving a comment.

(02:01):
Also, be sure you subscribe tothe podcast so that you
regularly get the downloads eachweek and don't miss a single
tool and strategy to beparenting with more kindness and
firmness at the same time.
So parenting finally feelssustainable.
All right, let's dive in to thistopic First, let's pause and

(02:23):
just acknowledge that everychild has negative thinking in
some degree, some less thanothers.
I mean, I'll never forget thisone story that a mentor in high
school told us on the basketballbus heading home from a
basketball game where I was acheerleader and he was such a
vibrant storyteller.

(02:44):
I'm not going to do it justice,but what he shared was, you
know, a story of two kids whohad very different personalities
, and the one was overlyoptimistic and the other was
overly pessimistic and theparents were like we've got to
find some way to balance thisout.
What could we do?
Okay, christmas is coming up,let's do something that will

(03:04):
help the optimistic kid bebrought down a little bit.
He's just like overly Pollyannaand the other kid to be more
optimistic.
And so they gave all of theseamazing gifts, got the child who
was pessimistic absolutelyevery single thing that he
wanted, and plopped a giant pileof horse manure in the backyard

(03:27):
with a bow on top, intending togive it to the overly
optimistic kid.
Well, christmas morninghappened and the child, who got
every single thing that hewanted on his list, still had
complaints.
Well, this isn't really as bigas I thought it would be.
Well, that doesn't look likeI'm really going to have that
much fun.
I just started playing with it.

(03:48):
I'm already bored.
And the optimistic kid goes overand starts throwing poop left
and right, digging, digging,digging.
And the parents are like whatare you doing?
And he says, with a pile thisbig, there's got to be a pony
somewhere.
I think we all want to havethat kid that is the poop

(04:14):
thrower looking for the pony andthat just sees the positive in
everything.
That would make our role as aparent so much easier, of course
, and yet some kids are justinnately more like the child
that is seeing the flaw ineverything that can be a
positive in their world.
That over time, that'ssomething that may impact them
being a realist and veryevaluative of situations,

(04:37):
scrutinizing appropriately.
But Again, it's hard for uswhen we're their parent and we
can often see that as a judgmentof like they're ungrateful, so
or they're just not havingenough spark, enough resilience.
So, friend, today, first of all, I want to just say let's

(04:58):
parent the child we've got, notthe child we've ought.
If we have that child that ismore prone to pessimism.
We're going to get some toolstoday and we want to start with
acceptance that this child justby nature, tends to see things
in these negative ways.
That doesn't mean anything'swrong with them.
It just means this is themuscle we want to help this

(05:22):
child builds, the muscle ofbeing able to see things a
little differently, a littledifferently, a little more with
some optimism.
We don't need to give themevery single thing to try to do
it.
One way I hear parents trying tosolve their problem of a
negative thinking child is tomake them happier.
Like I try to give themeverything that they want.
They really were lookingforward to this or that, and so

(05:44):
I try to give it to them, andthen it just never really makes
them happy.
It seems like they're stillupset no matter what I do, and
yet the parents doing more, andresentful that that's not
solving things.
So I want to encourage you tonot go that direction for
solving things.
Just thinking something you'lldo will cause them to be happier

(06:04):
because they'll finally getwhat they want doesn't generally
solve this issue.
What does solve the issue iswhat I'm going to offer you
today about ants.
Before we dive into that, though, I want to tell you how
butternut squash changed my life.
Butternut squash changed mylife because when I had my son I

(06:30):
, when he was about a year and ahalf, he was eating more solids
and one of his favorite thingswas butternut squash, and I
would cook it often, like makeit, so that I could cut the
thing in half, scoop out theinsides, put it in the oven and
then chop it into squares.
Well, this was actuallybecoming super laborious,
because I would do it the way Ijust described, which then led

(06:52):
to me trying to, like scoop outthe fruit from the peel after it
was cooked and it would reallystick and it was not super easy.
But I was like that's just whatyou have to do.
Life is just hard.
You do what you have to do foryour kids.
But guess what, one day mysister-in-law was visiting.
Bless her heart, love you,olivia.
She said to me Flora, did youknow like you can peel the

(07:17):
butternut squash before you cookit and like cube everything.
So then after it's cooked it'sjust set and done with how
you're trying to have it in theend anyways.
And at first I was almost likeoffended that I hadn't thought
of that myself sooner.
But then I went with her adviceand it changed my life and made
things so much easier and takeless time.

(07:40):
I tell you that story becausethese thoughts that I'm going to
offer you the solutions todaymay feel like I'm giving you the
idea of peeling butternutsquash.
Like oh, why didn't I think ofthat before?
That seems really simple andyet it just isn't what we always
first think of.
We don't always see our blindspots.

(08:02):
Same for our kids.
When we first suggest thesetypes of solutions, you may get
pushed back Like you don'tunderstand it's not going to be
that easy and that's okay.
Just say you're right, this isjust a different way of
approaching it, and maybe you'lldo it today, maybe you'll do it
tomorrow, I don't know, but youknow I'm.
I think there's an opportunityhere for life to feel easier and

(08:24):
feel different.
I think there's an opportunityhere for life to feel easier and
feel different.
I encourage you to have thatkind of attitude as you give
this idea to your child.
So the power of ants.
I promised you at the beginningI would share the power of ants
, coined by Daniel Amen, who isthe leading brain psychologist

(08:46):
with both children and adults onhow to have a thriving brain to
help you to do your best.
And ANTS stands for automaticnegative thoughts, and he found
that there are some patternsthat both adults and children
can fall into that make themmore prone to be stuck in those

(09:07):
places of nobody likes me I'llnever be good at this, I'm so
stupid.
So here's the good news Antslose their power when we shine
light on them.
You can teach your child tonotice when an ant is crawling
into their mind and you may beable to say something like oh,
sounds like an ant just showedup.

(09:28):
Let's catch it before it makesitself at home so we can sort of
externalize those negativethoughts as not a part of the
child but something that theycan protect themselves from and
send away.
So when we spot an ant, we wantto teach our kids how to squash
it or shine light on it.

(09:49):
For instance, the ant of I'mterrible at soccer can be
shifted into a yet mindset.
One of the first key tools thatI find really shifts negative
thoughts and is proven again andagain through research is the
power of yet Putting the wordyet at the end of whatever the

(10:10):
child just said.
You're not feeling great atsoccer yet.
Part two you can add to that isa progressive mindset of what
do you think it might take to bewhere you want to be in soccer.
So I'm not feeling that greatat soccer yet and in order to

(10:31):
get there blank, I want topractice more.
I want to watch videos on howthe experts became good at
soccer.
I'm going to watch YouTubevideos.
What is it going to be If achild says nobody wants to play
with me?
A wonderful opposite to thatautomatic negative thought is
teaching them how to hold an andLike those kids may not want to

(10:58):
play with me and what else isalso true.
Are there other kids who mightwant to play with you?
Are you happy sometimes whenyou just choose to play with
yourself, play by yourself?
What else could be the andoption?
That is true, and what elsecould be true?
Instead of seeing it as nobodytrying to go to, those

(11:21):
individuals are not choosing toplay with me.
So, taking away from always,never everyone, no one, getting
away from those big global wordsis another ant to catch and
make it a family practice oflooking at how we can add yet to
the things we're not good at.

(11:42):
Looking at what would be thesteps to get better to the
things we're not good at.
Looking at what would be thesteps to get better at the
things we're not good at.
Looking for ways to take awayalways, never everyone, no one.
And adding in the word andwhenever possible.
Those are the four main toolsthat I want you to be taking
away from today and if you'rewanting your child to practice

(12:04):
them in their vocabulary, intheir thinking process, the more
you can demonstrate using those, the better.
So, friend, I hope these toolswill empower you to be able to
have better outcomes with yourkids when automatic negative
thoughts or ants are coming upfor them, and if you have
struggled for a bit with a childwith negative thinking and not

(12:25):
been able to progress, that issomething I love to help parents
with.
I have many clients that I'vehelped in the past where their
child was stuck in negativethinking and we were able to
make changes.
You can connect with me on aclarity call for that work by
going to the bottom of the showdescription and seeing where the
link is for a clarity call.

(12:45):
And please join me next week asI'll be with a special guest
diving into the topic of couplesand how we can help improve our
relationships as we'reparenting.
See you then.