122. Raising Responsible & Independent Kids: 5 School-Year Habits That Actually Stick

Tired of having to nag and tell your kids everything they need to do (and sometimes yelling at your kids in the process)?

Ready to set some new habits of responsibility this school year, and see your kids really step up to the plate?

This week, I’m sharing five simple habits from Raising Mentally Strong Kids that help children take ownership—while you stay calm. 

You’ll learn:

• The 1 Page Miracle,

• A 4-step process for building responsibility, 

• Tools to shift from “drill sergeant” to trusted positive parent guide, 

• A structure to create clear agreements that end daily battles. 

Get ready to raise confident, capable kids—without losing your sanity.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey friend, if you're anything like me, you want your
kids to be responsible,independent and confident kids.
But sometimes it feels like themoment you give them a task,
you end up doing half of ityourself or repeat yourself 14
times, nagging them until youexplode or yell at them.
The start of the school year issuch a fresh opportunity to set

(00:25):
up some new rhythms that reallywork.
But here's the good news youdon't have to overhaul your
entire family.
Small, consistent habits canmake a huge difference.
Today I want to share fivepowerful yet gentle habits
inspired by the book RaisingMentally Strong Kids.
And these tips will help yourkids to step up in a way that

(00:47):
will really stick and takes youout of the role of being drill
sergeant or helicopter hoveringmom.
And today I'm going to sharewith you the one page miracle
four steps to buildingresponsibility and a way that
habit can also grow yourconnection with your child.

(01:08):
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent

(01:30):
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
As a side note, if today'sepisode brings you value, please

(01:54):
share it with us by going tothe bottom of all episodes that
are listed and clicking on thefifth star and leaving a short
comment.
It enables you to be ourlistener of the week and it also
lets others know what ispossible for them in this
podcast, as it's my goal toreach at least 500 families a
year to equip and empower themto be the calm, confident

(02:14):
parents they've always wanted tobe.
All right, the first step to abetter school year is to set
some clear goals with your kids.
This is where the one-pagemiracle comes in.
This comes from the book of howto Raise Mentally Strong Kids,

(02:35):
which was a real eye-opener forme and my husband as we were
reading through.
This book is just a reminderthat our kids now at 9 and 11,
are at a stage where some of theinitial stuff of parenting has
settled out.
We work through tantrums, whatto do when they're not getting

(02:56):
along with each other, but it'sbeen a long time since we sat
down and asked ourselves whatare our goals for our kids, and
so it was really fun to beprompted by this book to sit and
make a list of what reallymatters to us, and one way I
recommend doing this that isalso the wording used by

(03:17):
positive discipline is to thinkabout what are the qualities or
character traits you want inyour child when they're 25.
Are the qualities or charactertraits you want in your child
when they're 25?
And then that really sets yourgoals.
We're wanting them to berespectful, responsible,
creative, good problem solvers.
And then how does that big, big, long-term goal inform what our

(03:39):
goals want to be for this yearand then bring to your child
those ideas and values and thensay what are some things we want
to set as some goals for thisnext year to be working towards
these traits?
Do we want to make sure you'remore responsible for your

(04:00):
homework and we're not going tobe asking you every day whether
you did it or you didn't, or youhave your assignments done.
We're just going to, you know,make a plan each Sunday to talk
about what is ahead, or maybecheck in on Friday that you did
the things that were needed thatweek.
What do we want that goal to be?
Or do we want to buildindependence and you being able

(04:20):
to make your own lunches ordinner, depending on what age
the child is.
Okay, let's, that's a piece ofus wanting you to contribute to
the family, and this year thisis what that step looks like.
So two parts to this.
Set goals long term for your,for between you and your partner

(04:41):
, around what you want to see inyour child when they're 25.
And then bring those goals toyour child and say what are some
things we want to set togetheras goals for the school year
ahead, pieces that can beworking towards those greater
values.
Step two is make a plan of howyou're going to build your
child's sense of responsibility,their ownership for the things

(05:07):
that they're responsible for.
And here's the parts of that.
Choose something that you wantyour child to handle on their
own.
Let's say it's packing up whatthey need for their dance class
or soccer practice.
Let them try resist the urge tohover or jump in or micromanage

(05:29):
and say this is what I'mexpecting of you.
Let's let you do it.
You're going to be in charge ofgetting your own stuff together
today and then, if there aresome things that get forgotten
or they're having a hard timewith a piece of it, you can
offer to support without fixingor rescuing.
Like gosh, I see that you'rehaving a little bit of a hard

(05:51):
time.
What do you think you want todo to make that better?
Do you want to give it anothergo?
What do you think you mightwant to do differently next time
if you experience, this time,the frustration of forgetting
your water bottle?
So choose tasks they can handle.
Let them try, be supportivewhen it's bumpy and invite a

(06:14):
retry.
This little cycle task empathy.
Retry builds confidence andteaches that it's okay to
stumble and try again.
And it builds their confidencewhen they see that you're not
fixing it, you're not rescuingthem, you're having faith in
them to figure it out.

(06:35):
Step three for an effectiveschool year is be the consultant
, not the controller.
Think of yourself as a coach.
We don't want to be thehelicopter.
We don't want to be thebulldozer.
We don't want to be themicromanager.
We don't want to be the drillsergeant.
Right, if we're the drillsergeant, we're like do this, do
this, do this, why haven't youdone this yet?

(06:56):
If we're the micromanager,we're like, nitpicking every
little thing that they couldhave done differently.
Oh, don't put the the, put theapple over there or the banana
right there.
Like you know, that'smicromanaging.
Also, we could be helicopter-yand just hovering over them as
they are trying to buildindependence, of making friends

(07:17):
or trying something new, or wecan end up being the bulldozer
that's just trying to removeevery possible obstacle.
Let's not be any of those andinstead let's be the consultant.
What does that look like?
That means being the coach whooffers guidance, asking
thoughtful questions andproviding suggestions, but

(07:38):
always keeping it in the handsof the child to solve their own
problems, letting them be theone that actually takes the shot
and gets to own the success orthe challenge.
When kids feel trusted to makechoices, they start taking that
ownership, and when they havethe ownership, it builds their

(08:00):
confidence.
So the next time you're lookingto have your child do something
more whatever those tasks arethat you've decided in step one
if it's that they're going to bemore independent on making
dinner or making their lunches,don't overly hover, don't overly

(08:20):
control.
Look for ways to be aconsultant, but allow them to
figure it out.
Which might be messy, whichmight mean the meal doesn't
taste just right, and that's thehardest part for me.
To be honest, I would ratherhave it done just right or a
certain way that I think is moreefficient, and sometimes it's

(08:43):
hard to just back off and say ifthey're struggling through,
they can still figure it out.
Step four is to know that thesesteps of independence actually
build a lot of connection andthat when we step back, it
doesn't mean we're detachingrelationally.
It just means that we areletting them grow a little bit

(09:11):
more of their own wings and theyfeel the air of our support as
we step back.
A key way that you can stillshow support while stepping back
is to notice Use the keywords,as your kids are more respectful
and independent.
Gosh, I noticed today youhandled that so well.
I noticed that I haven't had tomention once your assignments

(09:34):
this week and you're gettingthem all done.
I noticed that I didn't have totell you again to turn off your
light.
You've just been taking care ofit.
And habit number five is I wantto suggest that you make some
agreements in advance about thisschool year and partner with
your child about what the agreedgains or consequences will be

(09:58):
around those agreements.
So, instead of just holding itall in your own head, I wish
they were remembering everythingthat needs to go in their
backpack.
I wish that they would get toschool on time, have a
discussion ahead of time thatsounds something like hey, let's
make a plan together, let'smake a deal.
Just so you know any day thatyou are ready by 7.50, I am

(10:22):
happy to give you a ride toschool, and after 7.50, you are
welcome to either choose to walkor ride your bike, but I will
not be available because that'stoo close for me to get to my
work on time.
So that explains to them inadvance what the agreed benefit

(10:42):
is of them hitting that mark ofresponsibility and what the
agreed consequence is going tobe if they don't hit it.
And from these five areas,setting goals together, having
those four steps ofresponsibility, being a
consultant, looking for ways tonotice how they're doing well
and having agreements in advanceare five key ways I hope can

(11:05):
really benefit you and get youoff to a better school year.
Remember, you don't have tostart all five at once, but I
recommend picking at least onethat feels aligned for you so
you can go into this next schoolyear with intention and purpose
and, from that place, have alot more success.
And friend, if you'd like todive into this more and be able

(11:27):
to ask me questions live.
Check out my upcoming workshopthat will be on this topic next
Wednesday, august 20th, and youcan find that information at
sustainableparentingcom slashworkshop.
If you hear this after August20th, you should be able to
purchase the replay there aswell.
All right, friend, I can't waitto see you next week, as we're

(11:49):
going to dive into the two mainthings to ask your child to do,
instead of saying I'm sorry,let's ditch the battles over.
You didn't say it nice enough.
No, I don't think you reallymeant it and let's get into the
two other things that are somuch more effective to ask your
child to do, instead ofinsisting that they say sorry.

(12:12):
See you then.