123. Why Apologies are worthless: Teaching Kids How to Really Take Responsibility for Their Actions

Tired of forcing your kids to say “I’m sorry,” only to have the apology come out flat, fake, or sarcastic? 

Do you find yourself insisting on the “right tone” until you are blue in the face, or even yelling at your child - and all the while the kid doesn't really seem to care?

Here's the deal, friend.  Most of the time, I've found apologizing doesn’t actually teach kids responsibility. It just teaches them how to act like they feel bad.  

In this episode of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, we’ll dive into why traditional apologies are often worthless—and what to do instead. 

You’ll discover two powerful steps that actually help kids take ownership of their actions: making it right (repairing the harm in a meaningful way) and making a plan (practicing what to do differently next time).

From checking in with a sibling they’ve hurt, to helping rebuild a crashed tower, to practicing a respectful “do over” when grabbing a toy—these simple strategies build empathy, accountability, and real-life problem-solving skills.

If you’re ready to stop nagging, yelling or repeating your lectures about being more nice - today is the day to end empty apologies and begin using tools that raise confident and kind kids who truly know how to take responsibility for their actions and even mistakes.  

This episode is here to give you the simplified and sustainable parenting tools to unlock true maturity and growth in your child, while being the calm confident parent you've always wanted to be. 🫶🏼

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
How many times have you found yourself standing over
your child insisting hey, youneed to say you're sorry, say it
nicely.
No, don't say it like that, sayit like you mean it.
And all inside you're thinkingthis is completely pointless,
because you know deep down thatyour kid doesn't really mean it,
and yet you're not sure whatelse to do.

(00:22):
Friend, today I want to talk toyou about why I think that
apologies, honestly, areworthless.
Forcing a child to apologizewith the right tone is not
teaching them responsibility.
It's just, really frankly,teaching them good acting skills
.
They learn how to performremorse instead of actually
feeling it.
So today I want to give you twosteps that I was just talking

(00:45):
with a client about this weekand I realized I want to share
this with my audience.
And these steps truly help kidstake ownership of their actions
and repair trust inrelationships and learn how to
handle things differently in thefuture.
So they are not doing thethings they've had to apologize
for.
And these even work for themost strong-willed, stubborn kid

(01:07):
that you have found.
This is really extrachallenging with.
Let's get started.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing.
To parent with kindness andfirmness at the same time, and

(01:30):
give you the exact steps to beable to parent in ways that are
more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel
sustainable.
Welcome.

(01:54):
First of all, before we dive in,I want to honor and highlight a
therapist in my community whorecently took the time to leave
a review, and I was so gratefulfor her words.
She said, as both a therapistand a mom, I deeply appreciate
Flora's practical and groundedapproach to parenting.
She said as both a therapistand a mom, I deeply appreciate
Flora's practical and groundedapproach to parenting.
She offers strategies that arerealistic, compassionate and
truly sustainable for families.
I've seen firsthand how muchher work helps.
Several of my clients havegained valuable tools and
insights from her podcast andcoaching program.

(02:16):
Flora has a gift for blendingwarmth, clarity and guidance,
making her a trusted voice forparents navigating real life
challenges.
Thanks so much, rachel.
And if you want to learn moreabout Rachel's impactful work
with couples, you can check outepisode 121, where she unpacked
attachment challenges that comeup in our marriage related to

(02:37):
parenting.
All right, let's dive in fortoday on apologies and make sure
you listen all the way throughthis episode, because I'm going
to share with you the two mainthings that a lot of people get
wrong about apology moments.
Two things that they're doingthat do not teach and are just

(02:59):
causing you to be morefrustrated and annoyed and maybe
even lead to yelling at yourchild.
Instead, I want to give you thesolution, which has two parts
make it right and make a plan,and if you want to know the
details of how we do that,simply, strategically and
effectively, stay all the way tothe end, all right.

(03:24):
First of all, what do we getwrong?
A lot with apologies.
It's so easy to get here, butwe first of all usually focus on
words, the child's words or ourwords.
The two main things we're doingwrong is focusing on words.
If we're focusing on thechild's words, that's typically
like you've got to say it, likeyou mean it.

(03:47):
Come on, you took that away.
You need to really, you know,feel bad about doing that.
That's not okay.
We might even say to them youknow, use the different tone.
I can tell you don't mean it,but, friend, isn't that just
teaching them acting skills?
Isn't that just emphasizing howto pretend like you feel bad or

(04:12):
like you're remorseful.
So also, we can end up fallingin the camp of focusing on our
own words, thinking it's our jobto to explain very
philosophically why the thingwas not okay.
Like, let's stand in thatchild's shoes.
How would you feel if you hadthat taken away from you?
Now, sometimes that does work.

(04:34):
I'm not saying there's not aplace for that, but some of you
listening right now I know, havethat more strong willed kid
that is going to just snap back.
I wouldn't care.
And then you feel stuck.
You're like, okay, what do Isay?
Now?
I thought that would lead tohim feeling bad.
So I want to give you an answerfor those particular moments.

(04:54):
If the other reasoning works,awesome.
But I know that there arelisteners hearing this right now
who are like, yeah, my kid,just like always has some smart
aleck remark that he just snapsback and he just doesn't care.
I don't know how to get him tocare, and no amount of me
explaining why that typicallyisn't a nice thing to do or

(05:16):
that's rude or disrespectful orhurtful, like it never gets
through to them.
I'm talking to you today,friend.
Okay, so what can you doinstead of just insisting on
good acting or continuing toover explain till you're
basically banging your head inthe wall and getting so
frustrated that you're yellingat your kid like why don't you

(05:36):
care?
Here's what you can do.
Instead, I want you to focus onasking your child to make it
right and make a plan.
Make it right, first of all, isabout, instead of just saying
words of I'm sorry, usingactions to show that you are

(05:56):
sorry for what happened,something that repairs the harm.
For example, if they knockedover a sibling on accident as
they were running by, or even onpurpose, help them check in to
see if the kid's okay.
Hey, let's come back.
Let's ask sister, are you okay?
Do you need a hug?
Do you need help?
Standing up, prompt the childand direct them in how to do it.

(06:27):
Note story here I'll neverforget one time, when my son was
about six and his youngersibling was four my daughter.
He stepped on her toe and shestarted screaming and I kind of
you know correctively was likedid you do that on purpose?
You need to say sorry, you needto fix this.
And he was like no.
And I was like okay, well, Iknow accidents happen, but you
know, let's make it right, weuse the strategy I'm talking
about here.
But then it was so funny.

(06:48):
He went upstairs and I wascleaning the house and so
happened to like kind of walkhalfway up the stairs and
overheard him say to his sisterEva, can I tell you a secret?
I don't know what on purposemeans, I just know if you do it
you're in trouble.
And isn't that so funny.
It's like it just was a funnymoment of realizing that

(07:14):
sometimes in these conversationswe're using words they don't
even fully understand.
So let's not get overlyphilosophical and overly logical
and in words they don't get.
Let's keep it simple, keep itage appropriate.
So you say to the child let'scheck on sister, let's ask what
sister needs to feel better.
Help her up, give her a hug.
Or if they crash a magnet tiledown, invite them to say you

(07:37):
know, can I help you rebuild it?
Prompt the child.
We need to help rebuild it.
Let's do the work to put itback together, because you
knocked it down, whether it wason purpose or an accident.
Again, that funny thing of onpurpose, whether you meant to,
or you did it because you wantedto, or it was an accident.
Either way, let's make it rightIf they grabbed a toy because

(07:58):
they wanted it.
Let's make it right.
Let's hand that toy back andlet's try this again.
First step, make it right.
Let's try this again.
First step, make it right.
And sometimes that might beeven paying back energy to the
adult.
So if they are not saying sorryfor how they yelled at you or
called you a name or something,you can say you know that really

(08:20):
took a lot of my energy and tomake it right we're going to
have a 10 minute earlier bedtimetonight because I need some
extra time to kind of recharge,because that was really hard
today to be called names.
That's another way you can havethe child make it right.
Part two make a plan.
Ask the child to not just goover and say sorry, but go to

(08:40):
the other person they've hurtand say what their plan is of
how they'll do it differentlynext time.
And, even better, talk, walkthrough physically that do-over
in the moment.
So you say to the child hey,whoa, let's try that again.
You ran past brother andknocked him over.
Let's try that again.
Come back over here.

(09:01):
You want to get over there?
Let's walk calmly.
Great, and let's have that beour plan for the future.
You will walk more carefully.
Please tell brother I'm goingto walk more slowly by you next
time.
Or knock the magnet tile down.
You know, next time I'm angryI'm going to walk away or grunt

(09:25):
and stomp my feet and then rightthere be like I see that you're
mad at brother.
Let's practice, let's ah andstomp our feet instead of
pushing his item over.
And some of this ties in what Icall the two roads helping the
kid connect.
You know, when you're mad andyou grunt and stomp, hey, you
get to move on and keep playing.
When you choose to knocksomeone's thing over, it takes

(09:48):
time to fix it, and so let'smake the plan of what you can do
differently next time so youdon't end up using your time
having to clean up.
And if you want more ideasabout what replacement plans
that your child can be usingwhen they're frustrated or angry
, please check out episode 119,where we talked about what most

(10:09):
parents get wrong about rude andangry behavior, and there's a
great tool in there.
I call Bugs and Wishes.
That is a key one I'm using alot with kids and coaching
parents in when their kids areneeding to make a better plan
for next time.
So, friend, here's the bigshift.
Stop stressing about whetheryour child says I'm sorry in the

(10:30):
right tone that's surface leveland instead remind yourself
that your plan in those momentsis to help the child make it
right, repairing the harm in aconcrete, physical way, and make
a plan Plan for what they cando differently next time and
practicing it right there in themoment, if possible.

(10:52):
When we do this, you're not justteaching manners, you're
teaching empathy, responsibilityand problem-solving, real-life,
positive parenting tools tolead to that effective, kind,
generous, problem-solving childthat you want to see in the
future, and those are skillsthat will last a whole lot

(11:13):
longer than a forced apologyever could.
If this episode was helpful,friend, I'd love for you to
share it with a friend who'sstuck in the say sorry cycle.
Easily forward this by going tothe description and seeing the
share button, and if you haven'tyet left a review on how this
podcast has impacted you andyour family, I'd so appreciate

(11:34):
that as well.
You can go to the bottom of allepisodes, click the fifth star
and then leave a comment, andthat helps other parents to know
what's possible and how theycan simply be parenting with
more calmness and balance, withkindness and firmness at the
same time, so their parentingfinally feels sustainable.
And please join me next week,as my special guest will be.

(11:57):
As my special guest, michaelPereira, will be speaking with
us about autism spectrumdisorder and what truly changed
his life and his son's diagnosis, and how he left his corporate
career to focus on empoweringfamilies like his own, wanting
to raise awareness and providingpractical strategies helping
those in the autism spectrum tobe able to thrive.

(12:20):
See you then.