124. How to Stop Nagging and Start Working Yourself Out of a Job

Ever notice how you're stuck in a cycle of constant reminders with your kids? You’re telling them to pack their lunch, grab their cleats, finish their homework—yet you’re torn between enjoying feeling needed and resenting this never-ending role.

In this episode of Sustainable Parenting with Flora McCormick, we explore the powerful shift from being a micromanaging parent to a coaching parent. You’ll learn how to move from constant control into Positive Parenting Strategies that help kids build independence and “struggle muscles,” while also giving you more peace and freedom.

After listening, you’ll discover:

• How shifting from “fixing everything” to a coaching mindset helps kids build resilience and confidence.
• Why small struggles, like forgotten items, are valuable learning opportunities.
• Calm Parenting Tips to regulate your own nervous system so you can guide instead of rescue.
• How asking problem-solving questions empowers children more than giving ready-made answers.
• The surprising freedom that comes from working yourself out of the parenting “job.”

If you’re ready for Kind and Firm Parenting that reduces stress and builds long-term responsibility, this episode will give you the tools to do just that.

Join me next week as we discuss the woman underneath the role of mom, and how attending to yourself can help you be the calm, confident parent you want to be.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Do you find that your kids are needing constant
reminders and struggle to beable to think for themselves
about how to pack their ownlunch or get all their things to
soccer practice?
And yet you find yourself inthis push pull between kind of
enjoying being needed and thatfeeling of, oh, I'm going to
provide everything in thebackpack that they need and

(00:23):
they're going to be like, yes,thank you, mom, but also feeling
like resentful about that rolethat you have to constantly fill
.
Friend, today I want to giveyou a simple shift of how to
change that cycle for yourself,so that your kid is the one
packing their own lunch,bringing their own things to

(00:43):
soccer practice or dance, andyou are more in the space of
just being able to enjoy yourchild and be alongside them in
the journey of life.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline

(01:04):
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
So first I want to talk forjust a sec about what gets in

(01:35):
the way of us building our kidsup in a way so they can be more
independent and self-reliant.
We like being needed Most of usstereotypically moms, but I'll
say I've also seen it in dadsthere's something innately in us
that loves to feel needed, andI think it's a biological thing.

(01:58):
Right Start from the verybeginning and we develop a
loving relationship as we areneeded.
There's something you know,whether it's a pet or a human or
a, I mean this is how we getaddicted to these little games.
Things that feel like they needus to do something develop a

(02:20):
connection for us.
They develop attachment, aconnection for us.
They develop attachment.
So if we don't feel needed,it's disrupting to the system.
However, one of our primaryroles and jobs as a parent is to
work ourselves out of a job.
It's to have us not be needed,obviously, in terms of thinking

(02:43):
of how to get dressed, thinkingof what needs to happen next in
the morning routine or eveningroutine, knowing how to pack a
bag and have what you need at asoccer practice.
It is our job to work ourselvesout of the job of doing those
things for our child, of themneeding us to do it.
And this, this is very confusingbecause it's like we get mixed

(03:06):
messages.
Right From the very start.
We're told to be a loving,caring mom means we are meeting
all of our child's needs and yetthen, every single year, as
they get older and older, to bea loving, effective parent means
to do less and less to meettheir needs ourselves and do
more and more of teaching themhow to meet their own needs.

(03:30):
And this just is so front ofmind for me right now in this
season of starting a new schoolyear, because there's something
about every new school yearwhere I just really kind of get
this glimpse of how my child isgrowing and how they've grown.

(03:51):
And wow, they really are like afourth grader now and they
really are a sixth grader now.
And if you're not seeing that,if you're like gosh, no, I feel
like my kid is behind.
And they are at a grade or agewhere I still feel like I'm
doing so many things for themthat I don't think I should have
to do at this age.

(04:11):
Let's fix that.
And there's really one primarypiece missing here, friend that
it's not complicated, but it canbe hard to shift.
So here's the real change,friend, it's that we move
ourselves from beingmicromanaging mom to coaching
mom.

(04:32):
If we are frustrated that ourchild is not doing more thinking
for themselves, it may bebecause they don't have to we're
doing all the thinking for them.
Or we're frustrated they aren'towning things more on their own
and we may be the ones that areowning it for them.
We got to get out of our ownway.

(04:53):
Oh, I hate to deliver that badnews.
That has something to do withwhat we can do different and not
just what our kid needs to dodifferent.
But that's what I'm here for,friend.
I'm here to be real becauseI've had to face this.
I just had to face it today.
It's like every single day I'mfacing this.
This is one of my biggestchallenges in parenting getting

(05:15):
out of my own way of wanting toconstantly fix and rescue things
for my kids and insteadtrusting their ability to grow
and be competent.
As Daniel Siegel says, who's theauthor of the Whole Brain Child
and no Drama, discipline andjust all around amazing expert
around child psychology, he says, every time we rush to fix, we

(05:37):
interrupt the child'sopportunity to practice
tolerating frustration andbuilding resilience.
John Gottman, who's also theauthor of a wonderful book
called Raising an EmotionallyIntelligent Child, who talks
about emotion coaching.
Says children who are shieldedfrom small struggles don't

(05:57):
develop the confidence to facebigger ones later.
Author of Positive Disciplineand also highlighted in this
Sustainable Parenting podcast,where I was honored to be able
to interview her in episodes 57through 59.
She says one of the coreprinciples is if we're over

(06:21):
rescuing, we communicate.
I don't trust you to do this orto learn this, so have faith in
the child.
Where, where there is noopportunity to fail, there is no
opportunity to learn.
So, friend, what does this meanfor us?
How can we make this shift?
It doesn't mean just, you know,kick your kid to the curb, let

(06:44):
them face all the harshness oflife and suck it up and figure
it out, friend.
But it means that we'reconscious of not letting our own
reactiveness, when our kids arehurting, get in the way of
doing what we know is best.
That's what really happened forme.
The hardest part for me was notthe conscious knowing that I

(07:08):
needed to help, let my kid learnfrom the struggles of life, but
it was what was happening in mynervous system in those real
life moments.
For instance, I can think ofthe time when my daughter was
about a first grader and we weregoing to dance and she did not
pack her dance shoes and we werehalfway to dance and we both

(07:30):
realized it and she was crushedand she started to cry and of
course that feels terribleinside my body and my nervous
system and I, every, every cellin my body wants to fix it and
be like oh God, you're going tobe like embarrassed in front of
your peers and your teachermight yell at you and I don't
want any of those like sort ofawful things to happen to you.

(07:53):
There's this protective side ofme as a mom that's battling
with the side of me that knowsthis is a growth opportunity,
the moment to be a coaching mominstead of a micromanaging mom.
It wasn't my job to own that.
It was my job and opportunityto coach her through how to
build, struggle muscles, how tolearn in that important moment.

(08:19):
First important step to making ashift here is regulating your
own nervous system, being ableto pause, notice that reaction
in yourself, take a deep breath,calm your own reactiveness of
like.
This is not a situation I needto solve and save my child from
the saber tooth type or tigerLike if that's what's kind of

(08:41):
activated in my body.
It's like whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is not going to crush her,this is okay, taking a breath,
mindfully, shifting my innerconversation to something more
productive, saying she can dothis, it's okay, we can do this,
it's okay.
And part of this is I say Italk with parents a lot about

(09:04):
shifting our mindset about whatis the golden moment.
I used to think the goldenparenting moment was going to be
like sitting on the edge of mychild's bed at story time and
telling them a great lesson ofhow you are a kind, responsible
person, and they'd be like ohyes, mom, you have the best
advice.
And it's not.

(09:26):
That's not how they learn to bemore responsible.
It's a golden moment of themmissing an opportunity and
experiencing how that doesn'tfeel great and making a plan in
their own mind of how they'regoing to avoid that in the
future, whether it's dance shoesor a missed assignment at
school or not having theirinstrument for music class Right

(09:48):
, it's.
The golden moment is actuallyexperiencing the challenge,
growing the struggle muscles of.
I can get through this, I cancome up with a solution.
I may have to improvise, I mayhave to figure out a different
system for remembering, but Ican do it.
And they get that best when weare coaching and not when we're

(10:12):
micromanaging.
And they get that best when weare coaching and not when we're
micromanaging.
And then from there being ableto say, boy, I wonder what we
can do to work through thischallenge.
And you know, with thatquestion I was shocked.
This little first grader said Ithink there's a lost and found
mom and they have extra shoes.

(10:33):
I guess I'll have to wear someof those.
And I was like, oh, that's agreat idea.
And she was kind of whimpery,like I hope they have my size.
But it was like, yeah, I hopeso too, let's see.
And as we got there, um, we didfind a size that was a little
bit big, but it worked.

(10:53):
She did it.
And guess what?
She made it through, shelearned how to be resourceful
and she never forgot her danceshoes ever again.
That shift that had to happenwas not just in me being
prepared to let her struggle,but my ability to regulate

(11:15):
myself when she was strugglingand resist the urge to like
panically, save her.
Not fix it, not rescue, butjust support.
And that's the difference,friend.
To be able to shift intosupportive mode is how do I
support without fixing orrescuing here?

(11:38):
So I invite you this week tothink about the challenges your
children are facing, thetransitions that they're in,
whether they're having a hardtime at preschool drop-off or
they're having a hard time withtheir afterschool schedule or
their load of homework that, ifyou're feeling tempted to fix or
rescue, I invite you to pause.

(12:00):
Think about some personalregulation of your nervous
system that's getting reallyactivated in protection mode.
That might be taking a breath.
That might be squeezing yourshoulders as you breathe in and
then relaxing your shoulders asyou breathe slowly out.
That might mean shifting yourmantra in your head to he can do

(12:20):
this, he is capable.
And then, with your words, tryto ask instead of tell.
Ask a question like I wonderwhat we could do with this
challenge.
I wonder what your thoughts areof how you could solve this.
I wonder what your thinkingcould make this better Instead

(12:42):
of giving suggestions of fixingand rescuing.
And notice what your child comesup with.
If they struggle, you can offera couple suggestions child comes
up with.
If they struggle, you can offera couple suggestions, but the
biggest thing that I see oftenis not even asking the question
to the child and giving them anopportunity to solve it

(13:03):
themselves.
So, friend, as you move intothis new school year, I invite
you to consider how to shiftinto not robbing your child of
opportunities to learn when youfeel trigger, focusing first on
regulating your nervous systemand second on asking a problem

(13:28):
solving question.
And, as always, I hope thisequips and empowers you to be
the calm, confident parentyou've always wanted to be
raising confident kids that areself-reliant and capable in this
world and also generous andkind.
And all the while, I hope thesetools help you so that
parenting finally feels moresustainable.

(13:49):
Please join me next week, aswe'll be hearing more about, and
join me next week, friend, as Iwant to invite you to a
conversation about the womanunderneath the role of mom, and
if you've been attending to herlately, perhaps you've been in a
space all summer long of reallyneeding to be in your major mom

(14:10):
mode, and with school year backin, there's an opportunity to
step back and give some spacefor you.
What does that look like andhow can that better position you
to be the calm, kind, notyelling mom that you wanna be?
See you then.