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September 24, 2025 15 mins

Tired of repeating yourself 14 times a day, only to explode when your kids don’t listen? You’re not alone. In this episode, Flora McCormick, founder of Sustainable Parenting, shares the #1 tool most gentle parents overlook—and why it’s the secret to parenting without yelling and finding calm in the chaos.

After listening, you’ll discover:

  • Why inconsistency fuels tantrums, testing, and power struggles.
  • How predictability calms your child’s nervous system (and yours).
  • Simple scripts and routines that blend kind and firm parenting.

If you’ve been searching for positive parenting strategies and want a roadmap to calm, confident parenting, this episode will help you create more cooperation, connection, and peace at home.

Want more?

Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey friend, ever feel like you've tried every
parenting tool out there Empathy, connection, emotion, coaching
but your kid is still pushingthe limits, having meltdowns,
not listening.
You're not alone.
In today's episode, I'll sharethe one tool that I see a lot of
gentle parents getting wrongand why it's the missing piece

(00:26):
for calm, cooperative kids.
I'm Flora McCormick, licensedtherapist, parenting coach and
early childhood mental healthconsultant, with almost 20 years
experience helping familieslike yours to get out of the
slog of daily challenges,battles with each other over
who's being too soft and who'sbeing too harsh, into the space

(00:47):
of calm, confident parentingthat brings ease and cooperation
.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time, and give you theexact steps to be able to parent

(01:12):
in ways that are more realisticand effective and, for that
reason, finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
Today's episode was inspired bya recent parent that I worked

(01:33):
with, who also left a review.
She said Flora was a gamechanger for our family.
We initially sought help forour four-year-old sleep, but the
most valuable outcome waslearning to be a unified team as
parents sleep.
But the most valuable outcomewas learning to be a unified
team as parents.
Before, my husband and I werefrustrated and inconsistent,
flora was incredible at gettingus on the same page.
She didn't just give us a plan,she empowered us to communicate

(01:54):
and create a consistent method.
We both believed in.
Her compassionate and practicalguidance led to immediate
results and a much more peacefulhome.
We highly recommend her to anyparents who need help working
together as a team.
Friend, if you'd like to leavea review to share how
sustainable parenting has beenimpacting your life, I would be
so grateful.

(02:14):
It helps others to know what'spossible in their families too,
and you can do so easily byscrolling to the bottom of all
episodes, clicking on that fifthstar and leaving a comment.
Also, be sure you subscribe tothe podcast so that you
regularly get the downloads eachweek and don't miss a single
tool and strategy to beparenting with more kindness and

(02:35):
firmness at the same time.
So parenting finally feelssustainable.
Many gentle parents are missingthis mark and ending up with
partners going the oppositedirection with a lot of
authoritarian parenting stylesthat are also usually missing

(02:56):
this mark, and that's whybehavior isn't changing.
With all of the efforts in theworld around compassion, with
all of the efforts in the worldaround compassion, validating
feelings and supporting herchild, it was not changing this
nighttime battle cycle.
Right before she got a hold ofme, they had had a battle of two

(03:16):
plus hours of the childscreaming, debating, bargaining,
begging.
One more drink, mom, one morehug, mom, please, please, please
, come lay next to me.
And then, when she didn't getwhat she wanted, in protest
banging on the door of hersister, who is a one-year-old,
waking her up, causing such ascene, causing so much anger and

(03:39):
frustration that the parentswere not only battling with her
but started battling with eachother over one being more gentle
, one being more harsh, and allthe frustration of neither
approach moving the dial forwardor changing this behavior so
that everyone could just get tosleep.
If this is you, friend, ifyou've experienced that with

(04:03):
sleep, this is for you.
Or repeating yourself 14 timesa day and one of you is trying
to explain why the child needsto do something different, the
other is being more harsh, thisis for you.
Or maybe you've been havingmoments of being super
challenged with emotions by yourchild.
And when they don't get thebanana.

(04:25):
Just right.
It's been broken in half andthey wanted it to be whole.
They wanted to be able to walkthrough the door before you and
these moments lead to the childmelting down and one of you
trying to support verbally andcoaching them and trying to
listen to their feelings, but itcontinuing to escalate and the
other may be getting harsh andthen both of you battling.

(04:48):
This is for you.
Or if you're someone who isfrustrated that your child keeps
doing very mischievous behaviorthat you have talked to them
about and you don't understandwhy they keep doing it, even
when you give a very rational,sensitive conversation or a more
harsh you got to do thisdifferently conversation, this

(05:10):
is for you.
Many gentle parents are missingthis mark and ending up with
partners going the oppositedirection with a lot of
authoritarian parenting stylesthat are also usually missing
this mark, and that's whybehavior isn't changing.
Here's what is beingmisinterpreted.

(05:32):
There's a misunderstandingabout gentle parenting, so let's
back up.
Gentle parenting is based onattachment parenting.
Many people are familiar withthe five attachment pillars, but
if you aren't, let me explainthem.
First of all, they are to feelsafety.
The second is to feelattunement that my caregiver

(05:54):
aligns and can match me in whatI'm feeling.
The third is to feel comfort.
The fourth is to feel delightand the fifth is to feel
supported in the unique selfthat you are.
Now a lot of attachmentparenting that I see in practice

(06:14):
ends up being focused on thelast four attunement, soothing,
delight and a support of theunique self.
Delight and a support of theunique self these are absolutely
so important and the client wasabsolutely doing all of the
things supporting these aspectsin her child.
But the first one is one thatis often misunderstood Safety,

(06:42):
safety.
What is safety?
I think it's easy to think.
First, emotional safety is thatyou're not yelled at, you're
not called names, and absolutelythat is true.
But do you know what else is anequally important part of
emotional safety?
Predictability and consistencyis a key element of

(07:07):
predictability.
This is the most underratedaspect of secure attachment.
Often when I end up in aconversation with a gentle
parent, first of all, they ofteninterpret that gentle means
being endlessly flexible.
Now, I know you don't usuallygo into it thinking that.

(07:30):
Or if you were to have someoneask you like, what are your
values about gentle parenting?
You wouldn't say, well, I justwant to be flexible, but that's
what it can end up being inpractice.
You think that, because it isimportant to be emotionally
responsive and supportive oftheir unique self and helping to
give them comfort, that it'salso your job to be flexible to

(07:54):
their emotional needs in everymoment and responsive to each
emotion in a way that kind oftrumps all else.
So that's part two of what Ithink a lot of people get wrong
in gentle parenting is thinkingthat emotion trumps all else.
That if the child is showingsome upset about our boundary,

(08:17):
that means there's somethingwrong with the boundary.
That if they are starting tocry when we have said that we're
going to have this kind ofboundary if they're getting out
of their bed again, or thatwe're going to have this kind of
boundary if they're getting outof their bed again, or that we
are going to have this kind ofboundary if they're screaming in
our face, if they show upset,that we have to attend to that
upset over all else.
But, friend, that flexibilityunfortunately often leads to us

(08:45):
not having as muchpredictability.
And then, when we're lackingthat predictability because we
set a boundary, but then we'rebacking up and focusing on
feelings and going a differentdirection to the child that
actually feels like chaos.

(09:06):
Kids thrive when the adultsaround them provide both warmth
and structure.
Hear that again both warmth andstructure.
And what that involves, then,is shifting from thinking that

(09:31):
the top things about our role asa gentle parent are to support
emotionally and validate andsoothe, and remembering one of
the most underrepresentedconcepts in attachment science,
which is the value ofpredictability and consistency
in offering the child a sense ofemotional safety.
Predictability and consistencygives the child a sense of

(09:56):
emotional safety.
Brain science tells us that thechild's developing brain craves
patterns, predictable patterns.
It calms their nervous system.
Our children also cravepredictability to develop trust.
You know this in your adultlife when someone is more

(10:18):
predictable, you trust them more.
And third of all, consistency isimportant because it affects
behavior.
They are hardwired to sometimestry very inappropriate
behaviors to see if it getstheir needs met and if we take
the bait because that involvessome sense of them crying or

(10:38):
being emotional and we are notseeing that for what it is,
which is just an emotional upset, an emotional sense that it is
hard to face this boundary.
We're missing the mark If wecan't see that difference like
wait, they're protesting becausethey need me to hold a clear

(10:59):
container that clearly says,with warmth and structure, that
yep, this is the boundary.
If I miss that, that's whatthey're looking for, I get
really lost and I end up goingdown roads that are ineffective.
So how does this play out?
Let's say you are the personthat has had your child not

(11:20):
listening, when you haverepeated yourself 14 times and
you're frustrated and you'retrying to just rationalize with
them the opposite in clarity andconsistency, that you're
missing.
That's important, forattachment is to just say I love
you too much to keep arguingwith you about this.
I love you too much, and so letme just be clear If a toy is

(11:42):
left out overnight, it's goingto be scooped up and put on
pause for two days.
That's it.
I'm just going to followthrough on that because I love
you too much to keep battling inconversation with you about
this.
That clarity and then thefollow through is going to
provide your child so much of asense of trust, of clarity, of

(12:06):
decreasing their anxiety,decreasing their upsets about
battles, of cleaning things up,because you have been clear If
you are the parent who has hadfrustration that the child gets
so emotional over the tiniestlittle things an opportunity for

(12:27):
clarity and consistency andpredictability would be to set a
boundary with yourself.
I'm not going to keep tellingyou you have to stop crying, you
have to quit getting soemotional about this.
I am going to make a plan.
You know what, in a moment likethis, I know that your brain is
just offline and I'm going togive you space or a silent hug.

(12:52):
If you want more about that,check out my episode on the
process I call reset, episode 37, how to help a child.
Reset instead of timeout.
Friend, this is so importantthat you make an agreement of
how you're going to offer eithera silent hug or space to calm

(13:13):
down.
It doesn't have to be punitive,but that clarity gives you the
space to then be predictable,not getting to the edge of your
rope where you flip out on them,not overly explaining yourself
for 20 minutes, 45 minutes, twoplus hours where it just keeps
derailing.

(13:34):
And if you're the parent who hasthe kid that's been mischievous
and just seems to likeintentionally do things that are
hurtful to others or propertyand nothing you say has gotten
through to them.
The top missing piece is thatclarity, that consistency, that
predictability.
I'm not going to overly explainmyself.

(13:54):
I'm not going to lose it andyell at you.
I am going to follow through insome way that we agree upon.
You know what that really tooka lot of energy from the family,
from that building, from thesituation.
We are going to pay back theenergy to that person, place or
thing.
We are going to pay back theenergy to that person, place or

(14:16):
thing in a tangible way.
And if you want more on thattopic, I recommend rolling it
all the way back to episode six,one of my very first launched
episodes.
Episode six do this one thingfor more respect from your child
, and that involves themactually taking seriously the

(14:38):
lessons you've given about whyit's not okay to be doing these
intentionally hurtful ormischievous things to people,
places or things.
And, friend, if you're lookingfor more support, please check
out the options in thedescription of this episode,
which include the chance to havemy free PDF on getting kids to
listen and the link toone-on-one sessions with me If

(15:02):
you would like to dive into thisin a personalized,
individualized way for you andyour specific, amazing, unique
child and your specific, unique,amazing self.
So, in conclusion, what mostpeople interpret as gentle and
gentle parenting is oftenmissing one crucial part of
attachment, which is consistencyand predictability.

(15:26):
So I want you today to thinkabout rewiring your brain, to
focus on the need for thatclarity, that consistency, that
predictability and that's notabout punishment, but it's about
being clear and predictable,whatever outcomes you've been
missing, to be able to have alittle bit more firmness and

(15:47):
follow through.
That's likely affecting youroverall goals of attachment more
than you realize and affectingyour overall goals of creating a
child who is calm andcooperative more than you
realize.
So this week, I invite you tofocus on clear routines,
predictable follow through anddoing so with a tone of kindness

(16:12):
and firmness at the same time.
So, friend, if you are ready tomake some shifts today, I
empower you to reframe howvaluable consistency and
predictability are for yourchild's wellbeing.
And please be sure to bejoining us again next week,

(16:32):
because we're going to talkabout the top three things that
easily get kids out of the housequickly into the car, with calm
and confidence, and the kidshaving easy cooperation.
See you next time.
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