129. Playdates Without Panic: 3 Steps to Solve Hitting, Scratching or Grabbing.

Today we explore why toddlers hit, bite, and grab at playdates and how to respond without shame or panic...and with tools that will shift the behavior for real!

Did you know - these challenging child behaviors are VERY common in the early years of development?! 

Research shows that these behaviors are actually very common in early childhood. Studies find that between 26% and 70% of toddlers show some form of physical aggression — hitting, biting, pushing, or scratching — depending on how it’s measured.  And in real-life parent reports, around 50–60% of children ages 1-3 hit or lash out at least occasionally when frustrated.

So first off.. not need to think you are failing or raising a psychopath. 

When your child hits, spits, or scratches at a playdate, it can feel mortifying — but these moments are actually powerful teaching opportunities. 

In this episode, I'll share 3 Playdate Reset Tips, including:

• How to remember what really matters, 
• How to teach your child the new behaviors in a way that will finally STICK.
• How to get the end results of more FUN and EASY playdates, without any amount of panic.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
Today we're talking about one of the hardest moments
in parenting when your childhits, bits, scratches another
kid at a play date, and you feelyour heart sink, your cheeks
flush with embarrassment.
Before we go into what to do, Iwant you to know you are not
alone.
Research shows that aggressivemoments like hitting,
scratching, grabbing happenbetween the ages of one to

(00:24):
three, somewhere between 26 to70% of children.
And from parental report, it'smore like 50 to 60% of toddlers
doing these types of behaviorsare young children.
It's not because they're bad,it's because they're lacking
impulse control, emotionregulation, and the skills of
how to express themselves andget their needs met.

(00:46):
Before you leave today, you'llknow three clear steps that
really prepare you to not haveto be anxious going into a play
date and start to see changes inyour child's behavior.
We're gonna give you what to sayto the other parent and how to
use these moments as learningopportunities that strengthen
your child in the long run andmake life easier for you in the

(01:09):
long run.
So let's get into it.
I'm Flora McCormick, licensedtherapist, parenting coach, and
early childhood mental healthconsultant with almost 20 years'
experience working with familieslike yours to get out of
frequent battles with your childand possibly then leading into
battles with your partner overwho is being more soft or who is

(01:30):
being more scary, and into aplace where you feel like that
calm, confident mom you alwayswanted to be, and you and your
partner are on an awesome teamof parenting with kindness and
firmness at the same time.
Before we jump in, I want tohighlight our listener of the
week, Rachel Joy, who said, I'mreally enjoying these podcasts.
I know I will be listening ineach week.

(01:50):
I feel encouraged and ready totake on tough things to make our
family life smoother.
I love how Flora cares aboutfamilies and genuinely wants to
help.
She never looks down on us whenwe share parenting struggles.
I've been learning that I can bekind and firm at the same time.
Like I love you, and the answeris no.
It's something that's reallybeen added to my vocabulary.
Thanks so much, Rachel.

(02:11):
I appreciate you sharing that.
And friend, as you're listening,if this touches you, share it
with a friend.
Like it with five stars andleave a comment, or also
subscribe so that you don't missanything in the future.
Tip number one, as you arepreparing for a play date,
remember what matters.
Remember what matters.

(02:32):
Let me just say, when we go on aplay date, we crave adult
conversation.
We got our coffee, our friend,maybe even we a few blissful
moments where the kids areplaying nicely together.
That's what we go into the playdate wanting.
But if we're talking with ourbuddy and then whack, someone
hits, spits, screams, grabs,your chest tightens, your
stomach drops.

(02:53):
There's a wave of embarrassmentand a wave of like, oh, like,
please, no, don't ruin this forme.
And in that moment, we may be sotempted to want to ignore the
situation, thinking that maybeit'll just go away, or maybe we
can just quickly make a comment,say that's not okay, honey, and
then move on because we don'twant to leave.

(03:15):
I've been there.
I remember a play date thatlasted three minutes and I was a
stay-at-home mom.
I needed that time so badly withthat friend.
And it was frustrating that Ihad to scoop my child up and
follow through with the threesteps I'm giving you today.
But doing so made all thedifference so I could stop

(03:36):
suffering in circles.
I had to suffer with a purpose.
Hear that again, friend.
This is a phrase we say a lothere at sustainable parenting.
So that we can parent withoutconstant power struggles that
lead to us yelling.
Sometimes we got to suffer witha purpose so we can stop
suffering in circles.

(03:56):
So here's the truth.
I want to encourage you to focuson what matters, which is the
big win, not the quick win.
The quick win might be, oh, Iwant to enjoy this coffee and my
friend.
The big win is I want to beconsistent about this behavior
so that it can stop.

(04:18):
What does that look like?
Tip two and tip three.
First, you're gonna prepareyourself with that mindset.
You know what?
I've got to do the steps thatFlora's giving me.
I am gonna do that because itmatters.
So I can start having moreplaydates that are enjoyable,
even if in this one play dateit's not so enjoyable.
Tip two is I want you to teachby teaching, not by correcting.

(04:44):
If you have a child that isregularly hit, scratched, or
grabbed, that means they don'tknow what else to do when they
are frustrated, angry, orlooking for connection with
another child.
It could be any one of thosethree.
So let's practice.
Spend some time outside of themoment to practice what it looks
like to handle your anger, yourneed for connection.

(05:06):
You know, for kid language, wewould say wanting to play with a
friend in a way that is safe forpeople, places, and things.
Hey buddy, let's practice.
If I have this toy and you wantit, what can you do?
Even with little kids, they cansay, turn, please.
You could teach them that littlescript.
With older kids, you could say,you know, if it's a younger kid,

(05:28):
you can go grab a small toy andoffer to trade.
That often will work if you'reinterested in something.
Or you can use more languageabout, you know, can I go next?
Something like that.
Or hey, want to play?
Just giving them a simple scriptand then practice it.
This is a uh three-part thing Ilike to think of called teach,

(05:50):
practice, praise.
Teach them what else they cando, practice it with them with
some role play.
This is the most common thingthat gets left out when parents
are trying to do a lot ofpositive parenting and teaching
their kid how to be thatrespectful, responsible child.
They they forget, oh yeah.
It's like if I wanted my kid tomake a goal in a soccer game, I
wouldn't just explain soccer andthen put them in the game and

(06:14):
hope they did well.
I would be getting out therewith a soccer ball, kicking it
around, practicing, get somecones or sweatshirts and uh, you
know, two lumps so that we havea goal we're kicking between,
and we would practice.
So, same when we're teachingsocial skills.
Find some way to role play withtheir stuffies, role play with
you being the child that isneeding to make this wise

(06:36):
choice, role play then maybewith them being the child, role
play between you and yourpartner having this sort of
interaction where one wantssomething and the other has it.
Um, role play, practice.
And then third part, praise.
Teach, practice, praise, catchthem when they're doing that
behavior.
This is one of the hardest ones.
You know, often we teach thebehavior and then we're just so

(06:58):
glad when they finally areplaying well that we just want
to tune out and focus on theconversation with a friend.
But if you see a child then on aplay date, go up and say, Turn,
please.
We want to be like, yes, Jason,oh my gosh, look at you.
Are you like almost 10?
You know, give it some feedback.
Part three is then we need to beprepared to follow through with

(07:24):
two roads.
When I say two roads, what Imean is we want to be clear with
the child, kind of a picture ofthe happy road, happy result,
sad road, sad result.
Those are the two roads.
We have a situation, we have afeeling or an interest, and we
can either take the road that isa happy choice leading to happy
results, or sad choices thatlead to sad results.

(07:46):
Now hear me clearly.
We're talking choices andresults.
We're not talking a good or badkid.
We're not saying when you aregood versus when you are bad at
the play date, when you are niceversus mean.
We are keeping characterentirely out of this because my
belief as someone who valuesattachment parenting and the

(08:11):
principles that are deeply truein gentle parenting, I value
that we want to honor to ourkids that they are always good.
They are always wonderful, nice,kind people in their hearts.
That's what I believe.
And so we don't ever want ourwords to be about can you be

(08:35):
nice or please, you know, benice at this play date.
They are nice.
That's who they are in theirbeing.
What we are saying is if youchoose happy choices, that will
lead to happy results, sadchoices, sad results.
If you want like a visual forthis, I'm gonna put one in the
show notes so that you caneasily have it.
So happy road would be if youchoose to do the things that

(08:58):
we've talked about.
When you want to share, you dothis, we are gonna be able to
play, stay at this play date allthe way to the end and enjoy the
most out of the time.
Sad road would be if we make asad choice about what to do when
we want a toy or when we'refeeling frustrated that hurts
people, places, or things, weare going to take a break.
And if we need to, we're gonnatake care of what has happened.

(09:21):
We're gonna make it right.
And friend, if you want more onthis topic, check out episode
33, where I talk about why Ithink forced apologies are not
what's really necessary.
And if you want to dig evendeeper, our recent episode 123
really went into why forcedapologies are pretty worthless.

(09:41):
Okay, so we're gonna make itright instead of just forced
apologies.
We're gonna take a little breakif our body needs to take a
break and get better at being agood boss of our body.
If we have hurt someone, people,places, or things, we are going
to take care of that.
And this is the moment I want toreally give you what to say to
the other parent.

(10:02):
I encourage you to normalize.
This is something that my childis working on.
Thank you so much forunderstanding that.
And we fully intend to make itright.
We want to go get a wetwashcloth and some water to help
her wipe the sand out of hereyes if we need to do so.
Always taking that sort ofresponsibility.

(10:24):
It's not about shaming orblaming a child, it's about
ownership, which is a key partof my three-tiered program of
how I help parents know what todo and when to do it in the
chaos that feels like a jumbleball of yarn of parenting.
And that is the section we talkabout how we clearly make sure

(10:46):
our child is getting ownershipof their choices without shame
or blame.
So, friend, that's part three iswith the happy road, sad road,
understanding two roads.
We are gonna follow through withour child.
They make wonderful choices.
We are going to praise that andcatch it, like I talked about in
point two.
Oh my gosh, wow, you made somany wonderful choices and

(11:08):
connect the dots for them, howit affects them in terms of
happy results.
Wasn't it so fun to get to stayat this whole play date and have
a whole 45 minutes with ourfriends?
If they choose sad choices, wealso want to make sure we follow
through.
That comes back to point numberone.
If we have to leave threeminutes into the play date
because of them hitting, youknow, they took a break, didn't

(11:32):
get better, they hit once again.
That's what we're gonna do.
And we are not gonna shame andblame, but we're gonna say, you
know, I bet you'll make adifferent choice next time.
It's one of my favorite phraseswhen a child is upset when we
follow through.
And friend, if you're wantingmore help with that, you're
like, oh gosh, I have so manyquestions on that.

(11:53):
What if my child this?
What if they say that?
That is what I love to helppeople do in parent coaching.
And there's an easy link in thedescription of this episode of
how you can set up a time withme to either just connect
shortly or 15 minutes to see ifwe're a good fit or to have a
three-session package.
All right, friend, that's it fortoday.

(12:14):
And please join us again nextweek as I give you my top number
one strategy to end the day witha constructive plan for tomorrow
instead of swimming in guilt andquestioning and overanalyzing of
the day.