October 1, 2025 • 13 mins
Does your child suddenly “lose their hearing” the moment you ask them to pick up their shoes, come to the table, or turn off the tablet? You’re not alone—and you’re not going crazy. In this episode, we’ll unpack why kids pretend not to hear you and how to break the exhausting cycle of repeating yourself over and over.
By the time you finish listening, you will know:
- Why kids really tune us out (and it’s not because they’re disrespectful).
- The “connect before you direct” approach that makes kids instantly more responsive.
- How to stop the power struggle of the child ignoring and you repeating yourself 17 times... all the while getting to the end of your rope, ready to scream.
- The one magic phrase that cuts through the ignoring act almost every time.
Friend, parenting with kindness and firmness doesn’t mean raising your voice—it means finding simple tools that bring more calm and cooperation at home. This episode will show you how.
✨Want more?
✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)
✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.
✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.
✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Have you ever felt like you're living with a child
who has a very selective hearingproblem?
Like you ask them to put ontheir shoes, silence.
Call them to the table,crickets.
But funny enough, the second youwhisper the word cookie from
three rooms away, they comerunning?
Yeah.
I've been there, friend, and youare not alone.
(00:22):
Today we're gonna unpack whykids pretend not to hear us and
what we can do so you're notstuck repeating yourself 10
times a day.
Stick with me till the endbecause I'm gonna share the one
magic phrase that cuts throughthis I can't hear you response
almost every time.
I'm Flora McCormick, licensedtherapist, parenting coach, and
(00:42):
early childhood mental healthconsultant with almost 20 years'
experience working with familieslike yours that are tired of
carrying both the stroller andthe child and the bike home from
the park, tired of missing outon family or friend events
because you're embarrassed orworried your kid is going to
have an explosion or meltdown,or frustrated and exhausted at
(01:04):
the end of each day because ofall of the battles that might
even lead to the one whereyou're laying in bed for an hour
just to get them to go to sleep.
Friend, you're in the rightplace, and I'm so glad you're
here.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
(01:25):
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time.
And give you the exact steps tobe able to parent in ways that
are more realistic andeffective, and for that reason,
finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
(01:56):
So we're gonna jump into the onemagic phrase that cuts through
the I can't hear you ignoringthat children can do to us.
Before we do that, quickly Iwant to share a recent review
that was from Zach.
Zach K 1986 said, I love mykids, but parenting is the most
challenging thing I've everdone.
(02:16):
And listening to this podcasthas given me great tools on how
to set boundaries, have time formyself, and understand that the
hard parts of parenting that I'mdoing now will help my kids
thrive as they grow older.
Sustainable parenting has becomemy go-to parenting resource.
First of all, Zach, thank you somuch for sharing that because it
helps other parents to knowwhat's possible for them too.
(02:39):
And if you're listening now andyou enjoy today's podcast or
have enjoyed one in the past buthaven't left a review, I would
so appreciate it.
It's the biggest way you canhelp this podcast and help other
parents.
You can do so by scrolling tothe bottom of all episodes,
clicking on the fifth star, andthen leaving a short comment.
(03:00):
Alright, so what to do when kidsare pretending they can't hear
you.
First of all, let's acknowledgehow incredibly maddening this
is.
You're juggling dinner,backpacks, maybe even a younger
sibling, and it feels likeyou're shouting into the void.
It's like the more you repeatyourself, the more invisible you
feel in your own home and withyour own kids.
(03:23):
It is maddening.
It's exhausting.
It is frustrating.
And here's the thing (03:28):
our kids aren't actually going deaf.
You know it.
You know if you whisper acookie, they can hear it from
like a mile away.
But what's really going on is amix of brain development,
attention, and power dynamics.
And when we understand thatcorrectly, it makes all the
difference in the world.
(03:50):
So let's unpack this.
We're gonna be getting to thatone magic phrase that really
gets kids to hear you.
And to get there, first I wantto talk about why they're not
hearing you.
There are four main reasons thatyour kids don't really, quote,
hear you in certain moments whenreally they're ignoring you.
(04:12):
What I mean is there are fourkey reasons your kids ignore
you.
The first is, let's be honest,hyper focus.
I mean, if we could really jumpinside the body of our child,
stand in their tiny littlevelcro shoes, and look out their
eyes with their messy t-shirts,we would see and feel a little
(04:37):
bit more of what they'reactually engrossed in.
Their minds are rich with aworld of imagination and
playfulness that is totallydisconnected from our world that
is focused on getting out thedoor on time, having teeth be
brushed, and getting to thedinner table, right?
Their agenda is not the same asour agenda.
(04:58):
So they get hyper-focused ontheir internal world and what
they are into in a moment.
So sometimes it's just they'rereally into wherever their brain
is.
Second thing of why our kidssometimes don't quote hear us or
they ignore us, they might betesting power.
It may be their way ofcommunicating.
(05:20):
We believe in child therapy andpsychology that all behavior is
communication.
So sometimes ignoring is a wayof saying, like, do you really
mean it?
Can I ignore you?
The third reason our kids mightbe ignoring us is overload.
If we have been saying 75commands in a row, it becomes
(05:45):
the Charlie Brown teacher or momvoice, right?
If you ever watch Charlie Browncartoon, it's like wah wah wah
wah wah was always the adultvoice in the other room.
And man, if I say to you rightnow, get your shoes on, don't
forget your backpack, get onyour bike, oh, don't forget your
helmet.
Oh, be careful, look whereyou're going, make sure you look
(06:05):
both ways before you cross.
Okay, you're going a little tooslow.
Come on, let's hurry up.
We're gonna be late.
So many instructions, it canstart to just become background
noise.
So there are strategies that wecan shift to get our kids to be
more tuned in and our voice notget so droned out by the
repetition of command, command,command.
(06:27):
Side note on that, if you'd likemore tools specifically around
the opposite of repeatingyourself several times, check
out episode 115, How to Get Kidsto Listen Without Yelling.
And along with that, don'tforget to subscribe to this
podcast so that you don't missany upcoming strategies that can
help you have more calm and easein your home.
(06:48):
Reason number four our kidsoften don't listen is we've
trained them not to.
What are you talking about,Flora?
I'm not training them not to.
I am specifically saying it overand over so that they will
finally start listening.
Ooh, but wait a minute.
If we pause, think of thosewords that just came out of your
mouth.
You're repeating yourself totrain them to do it after one
(07:12):
response, but actually whatthey're learning is they don't
have to do it until you getangry.
So have we trained them thatthey don't really have to listen
till the 15th time when we getangry?
If so, that might be the reasonthey don't respond the first
time we ask.
And for more on that, I wouldcheck out episode 110, Simple
(07:34):
Solutions around kids notlistening.
And if you have a bestie whodoes not know the sustainable
tricks and tools to have moreease in life, go to the top of
the episodes and find the linkto share podcast and send it on
over to that bestie.
Today's a great day for it.
So if we can notice all thosethings contributing, how do we
(07:58):
turn it around?
Here's the good news.
You don't have to yell or nag tobe heard.
There are three strategies thatconnect into the magic phrase
that is going to be your go-tosolution.
And I watched this all play outthe other day when I watched my
five-year-old nephew playingwith Play-Doh at my table.
(08:21):
He was playing with his Play-Dohand just enthralled in it,
loving it.
And I was like, I'll call himJason.
Jason, we gotta quit um doingthis because it's time to get up
for our rest time.
No response.
Jason, did you hear me?
No response.
And then I did these threethings and he listened.
(08:45):
He heard me.
Here's what I did.
First thing was connect beforeyou direct.
So I had tried to connect, Ithought, by saying, Hey Jason,
but a lot of times that's notenough to get our kids to really
feel prompted.
So I went over closer to him,physically put a hand on his
(09:06):
hand that was on the play-doh,so that kind of stopped the
movement.
And I looked caringly in hiseyes and I kind of directed him
to look at my eyes.
Hey, hi, Jason.
And then I connected to what hewas in the middle of, also,
physically connected andverbally connected.
Boy, I can see you've had somuch fun with this play-doh.
(09:30):
This has been really cool.
You and Eva have been playingfor like 30 minutes.
Okay, then step two, focus onwhat needs to happen in a way
that involves choice.
You know, it's time to get on upto our rest time and put this
(09:50):
away.
And then I gave a choice.
Do you want to put away thePlay-Doh tools or the Play-Doh
itself?
And I'll do the other one.
And he picked and we movedforward without a tantrum,
without dispute, we moveforward.
So when your child pretends notto hear you, I want you to think
(10:16):
about this magic phrase.
What the child is really lookingfor is a voice and a choice.
A voice meaning they are lookingfor you to be able to name what
is happening for them.
Give their actions a voice.
That behavior is communicatingsomething.
(10:37):
It's communicating in a way thattheir little three-year-old,
five-year-old, eight-year-oldself is not quite able to
maturely say.
So say it for them.
Look in their eyes, connectphysically, and say for them
what you wish they would be ableto say.
My gosh, you're having such ahard time.
It is hard to stop playing this.
(10:58):
You wish you could stay hereforever.
This has been so much fun.
Give a voice to what you seethat resistant behavior kind of
saying.
And you can do that.
You can stand in their shoes andimagine if I was really loving
something I was in the middleof, whether it's scrolling
Facebook or being out at a, youknow, mom date with my friends.
(11:20):
What would I be feeling if I wasbeing told it's time to end that
and do something else?
Stand in those shoes and try asjust authentically and really um
compassionately to name whatthat would feel like.
Boy, I bet you're feeling dotdot dot.
It seems like this is hardbecause dot dot dot.
(11:41):
I see that you've been having sofun dot because dot dot dot.
Name it, give it a voice, andthen give it a choice.
In the middle there, you kind ofjust state what has to happen.
So you gave it a voice.
It's hard to stop playing, thenstate what has to happen.
It's time to go up to our rest,it's time to get home from the
(12:03):
park, or it's time to get in thecar so we can go do dinner.
And then choice.
Kids thrive on their brain beingasked to choose between two
things because if you don't givethem two things, then they are
going to make the choice foryou, which is gonna be the
choice between yes or no.
(12:24):
Hear that again, friend.
If you don't give them choices,they are gonna make the choice
for you.
And those choices are gonna bebetween yes or no.
Here's what I mean.
Again, back to Jason, my nephew.
If I were to just say to him,okay, so you've had fun playing
play-doh, time to go.
He could have the choice toeither say yes or no.
No, I don't want to.
(12:45):
And then we're in a battle.
When I've given voice and thenchoice, it's about focusing on,
you know, we've had so much funand it's really hard to leave.
Do you want to put this away orthat away?
It shifts his brain to choosingbetween those things and we move
forward.
So giving two choices or forolder kids saying, what's your
(13:08):
plan for cleaning this up?
A wider choice, really changesthe whole dynamic of the child
hearing you and listening withresponsive behavior.
So, friend, the truth is it'snot a hearing problem.
We don't need to take him to thehearing aid doctor or anything
like that.
But what your child is lookingfor is clarity, consistency, and
(13:29):
connection.
The more you follow through withthese tools, the more you'll see
that pretending not to hear youisn't really what it's about.
And you'll be surprised howquickly they quote, find their
hearing again.
If today's episode was helpful,please make sure to tune in next
week with us.
Where I'll be sharing about whatto do when you start to avoid
(13:52):
play dates because your child ishitting, scratching, or
screaming.
See you then, Fred.
Have you ever felt like you're living with a child
who has a very selective hearingproblem?
Like you ask them to put ontheir shoes, silence.
Call them to the table,crickets.
But funny enough, the second youwhisper the word cookie from
three rooms away, they comerunning?
Yeah.
I've been there, friend, and youare not alone.
(00:22):
Today we're gonna unpack whykids pretend not to hear us and
what we can do so you're notstuck repeating yourself 10
times a day.
Stick with me till the endbecause I'm gonna share the one
magic phrase that cuts throughthis I can't hear you response
almost every time.
I'm Flora McCormick, licensedtherapist, parenting coach, and
(00:42):
early childhood mental healthconsultant with almost 20 years'
experience working with familieslike yours that are tired of
carrying both the stroller andthe child and the bike home from
the park, tired of missing outon family or friend events
because you're embarrassed orworried your kid is going to
have an explosion or meltdown,or frustrated and exhausted at
(01:04):
the end of each day because ofall of the battles that might
even lead to the one whereyou're laying in bed for an hour
just to get them to go to sleep.
Friend, you're in the rightplace, and I'm so glad you're
here.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
(01:25):
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at
the same time.
And give you the exact steps tobe able to parent in ways that
are more realistic andeffective, and for that reason,
finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
(01:56):
So we're gonna jump into the onemagic phrase that cuts through
the I can't hear you ignoringthat children can do to us.
Before we do that, quickly Iwant to share a recent review
that was from Zach.
Zach K 1986 said, I love mykids, but parenting is the most
challenging thing I've everdone.
(02:16):
And listening to this podcasthas given me great tools on how
to set boundaries, have time formyself, and understand that the
hard parts of parenting that I'mdoing now will help my kids
thrive as they grow older.
Sustainable parenting has becomemy go-to parenting resource.
First of all, Zach, thank you somuch for sharing that because it
helps other parents to knowwhat's possible for them too.
(02:39):
And if you're listening now andyou enjoy today's podcast or
have enjoyed one in the past buthaven't left a review, I would
so appreciate it.
It's the biggest way you canhelp this podcast and help other
parents.
You can do so by scrolling tothe bottom of all episodes,
clicking on the fifth star, andthen leaving a short comment.
(03:00):
Alright, so what to do when kidsare pretending they can't hear
you.
First of all, let's acknowledgehow incredibly maddening this
is.
You're juggling dinner,backpacks, maybe even a younger
sibling, and it feels likeyou're shouting into the void.
It's like the more you repeatyourself, the more invisible you
feel in your own home and withyour own kids.
(03:23):
It is maddening.
It's exhausting.
It is frustrating.
And here's the thing (03:28):
our kids aren't actually going deaf.
You know it.
You know if you whisper acookie, they can hear it from
like a mile away.
But what's really going on is amix of brain development,
attention, and power dynamics.
And when we understand thatcorrectly, it makes all the
difference in the world.
(03:50):
So let's unpack this.
We're gonna be getting to thatone magic phrase that really
gets kids to hear you.
And to get there, first I wantto talk about why they're not
hearing you.
There are four main reasons thatyour kids don't really, quote,
hear you in certain moments whenreally they're ignoring you.
(04:12):
What I mean is there are fourkey reasons your kids ignore
you.
The first is, let's be honest,hyper focus.
I mean, if we could really jumpinside the body of our child,
stand in their tiny littlevelcro shoes, and look out their
eyes with their messy t-shirts,we would see and feel a little
(04:37):
bit more of what they'reactually engrossed in.
Their minds are rich with aworld of imagination and
playfulness that is totallydisconnected from our world that
is focused on getting out thedoor on time, having teeth be
brushed, and getting to thedinner table, right?
Their agenda is not the same asour agenda.
(04:58):
So they get hyper-focused ontheir internal world and what
they are into in a moment.
So sometimes it's just they'rereally into wherever their brain
is.
Second thing of why our kidssometimes don't quote hear us or
they ignore us, they might betesting power.
It may be their way ofcommunicating.
(05:20):
We believe in child therapy andpsychology that all behavior is
communication.
So sometimes ignoring is a wayof saying, like, do you really
mean it?
Can I ignore you?
The third reason our kids mightbe ignoring us is overload.
If we have been saying 75commands in a row, it becomes
(05:45):
the Charlie Brown teacher or momvoice, right?
If you ever watch Charlie Browncartoon, it's like wah wah wah
wah wah was always the adultvoice in the other room.
And man, if I say to you rightnow, get your shoes on, don't
forget your backpack, get onyour bike, oh, don't forget your
helmet.
Oh, be careful, look whereyou're going, make sure you look
(06:05):
both ways before you cross.
Okay, you're going a little tooslow.
Come on, let's hurry up.
We're gonna be late.
So many instructions, it canstart to just become background
noise.
So there are strategies that wecan shift to get our kids to be
more tuned in and our voice notget so droned out by the
repetition of command, command,command.
(06:27):
Side note on that, if you'd likemore tools specifically around
the opposite of repeatingyourself several times, check
out episode 115, How to Get Kidsto Listen Without Yelling.
And along with that, don'tforget to subscribe to this
podcast so that you don't missany upcoming strategies that can
help you have more calm and easein your home.
(06:48):
Reason number four our kidsoften don't listen is we've
trained them not to.
What are you talking about,Flora?
I'm not training them not to.
I am specifically saying it overand over so that they will
finally start listening.
Ooh, but wait a minute.
If we pause, think of thosewords that just came out of your
mouth.
You're repeating yourself totrain them to do it after one
(07:12):
response, but actually whatthey're learning is they don't
have to do it until you getangry.
So have we trained them thatthey don't really have to listen
till the 15th time when we getangry?
If so, that might be the reasonthey don't respond the first
time we ask.
And for more on that, I wouldcheck out episode 110, Simple
(07:34):
Solutions around kids notlistening.
And if you have a bestie whodoes not know the sustainable
tricks and tools to have moreease in life, go to the top of
the episodes and find the linkto share podcast and send it on
over to that bestie.
Today's a great day for it.
So if we can notice all thosethings contributing, how do we
(07:58):
turn it around?
Here's the good news.
You don't have to yell or nag tobe heard.
There are three strategies thatconnect into the magic phrase
that is going to be your go-tosolution.
And I watched this all play outthe other day when I watched my
five-year-old nephew playingwith Play-Doh at my table.
(08:21):
He was playing with his Play-Dohand just enthralled in it,
loving it.
And I was like, I'll call himJason.
Jason, we gotta quit um doingthis because it's time to get up
for our rest time.
No response.
Jason, did you hear me?
No response.
And then I did these threethings and he listened.
(08:45):
He heard me.
Here's what I did.
First thing was connect beforeyou direct.
So I had tried to connect, Ithought, by saying, Hey Jason,
but a lot of times that's notenough to get our kids to really
feel prompted.
So I went over closer to him,physically put a hand on his
(09:06):
hand that was on the play-doh,so that kind of stopped the
movement.
And I looked caringly in hiseyes and I kind of directed him
to look at my eyes.
Hey, hi, Jason.
And then I connected to what hewas in the middle of, also,
physically connected andverbally connected.
Boy, I can see you've had somuch fun with this play-doh.
(09:30):
This has been really cool.
You and Eva have been playingfor like 30 minutes.
Okay, then step two, focus onwhat needs to happen in a way
that involves choice.
You know, it's time to get on upto our rest time and put this
(09:50):
away.
And then I gave a choice.
Do you want to put away thePlay-Doh tools or the Play-Doh
itself?
And I'll do the other one.
And he picked and we movedforward without a tantrum,
without dispute, we moveforward.
So when your child pretends notto hear you, I want you to think
(10:16):
about this magic phrase.
What the child is really lookingfor is a voice and a choice.
A voice meaning they are lookingfor you to be able to name what
is happening for them.
Give their actions a voice.
That behavior is communicatingsomething.
(10:37):
It's communicating in a way thattheir little three-year-old,
five-year-old, eight-year-oldself is not quite able to
maturely say.
So say it for them.
Look in their eyes, connectphysically, and say for them
what you wish they would be ableto say.
My gosh, you're having such ahard time.
It is hard to stop playing this.
(10:58):
You wish you could stay hereforever.
This has been so much fun.
Give a voice to what you seethat resistant behavior kind of
saying.
And you can do that.
You can stand in their shoes andimagine if I was really loving
something I was in the middleof, whether it's scrolling
Facebook or being out at a, youknow, mom date with my friends.
(11:20):
What would I be feeling if I wasbeing told it's time to end that
and do something else?
Stand in those shoes and try asjust authentically and really um
compassionately to name whatthat would feel like.
Boy, I bet you're feeling dotdot dot.
It seems like this is hardbecause dot dot dot.
(11:41):
I see that you've been having sofun dot because dot dot dot.
Name it, give it a voice, andthen give it a choice.
In the middle there, you kind ofjust state what has to happen.
So you gave it a voice.
It's hard to stop playing, thenstate what has to happen.
It's time to go up to our rest,it's time to get home from the
(12:03):
park, or it's time to get in thecar so we can go do dinner.
And then choice.
Kids thrive on their brain beingasked to choose between two
things because if you don't givethem two things, then they are
going to make the choice foryou, which is gonna be the
choice between yes or no.
(12:24):
Hear that again, friend.
If you don't give them choices,they are gonna make the choice
for you.
And those choices are gonna bebetween yes or no.
Here's what I mean.
Again, back to Jason, my nephew.
If I were to just say to him,okay, so you've had fun playing
play-doh, time to go.
He could have the choice toeither say yes or no.
No, I don't want to.
(12:45):
And then we're in a battle.
When I've given voice and thenchoice, it's about focusing on,
you know, we've had so much funand it's really hard to leave.
Do you want to put this away orthat away?
It shifts his brain to choosingbetween those things and we move
forward.
So giving two choices or forolder kids saying, what's your
(13:08):
plan for cleaning this up?
A wider choice, really changesthe whole dynamic of the child
hearing you and listening withresponsive behavior.
So, friend, the truth is it'snot a hearing problem.
We don't need to take him to thehearing aid doctor or anything
like that.
But what your child is lookingfor is clarity, consistency, and
(13:29):
connection.
The more you follow through withthese tools, the more you'll see
that pretending not to hear youisn't really what it's about.
And you'll be surprised howquickly they quote, find their
hearing again.
If today's episode was helpful,please make sure to tune in next
week with us.
Where I'll be sharing about whatto do when you start to avoid
(13:52):
play dates because your child ishitting, scratching, or
screaming.
See you then, Fred.
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