133. 3 Positive Discipline Tools to End Power Struggles With Kids, and Fights With Your Partner

If you're having bedtime, out-the-door, or morning battles where your partner swoops in mid-meltdown, sending you into a rage, you’re not alone.

In this episode, Flora McCormick, LCPC — parenting coach and host of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast — shares 3 simple Positive Discipline tools that help you end power struggles without yelling, shaming, or giving in.

You’ll learn:
 ✨ How to use one powerful c-word  to get your children to listen more quickly. 
 ✨ How to reset the whole family system that has been right in these tug-o-wars.  

 ✨ How to invite cooperation instead of barking orders that fuel defiance

These tools work whether you’re guiding toddlers or tweens — and they help you and your partner stay on the same team, even in the toughest parenting moments.

Because calm, confident parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about having the right tools to bring connection and structure back to your home — one day, one conversation at a time.

🎧 Tune in for Positive Parenting Strategies that actually work — helping you raise resilient, respectful kids while creating peace between you and your partner.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨NEW✨ pdfs and short video lessons on Respect, Bedtimes, Power Struggles and More: ON ETSY!

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference f...

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
You know that feeling when your child starts
melting down about brushing yourteeth and you are like trying
every trick in the book to getthem to cooperate, only to find
your partner step in with aharsh, like, you gotta do this,
quit making this so hard.
Suddenly, before you could evensnap your fingers, not only are
you in a power struggle withyour kid, but also with your

(00:21):
partner.
It's so frustrating and it's socommon.
It's one of the most commonthings that people reach out to
me for in parent coaching.
Today, friend, we're gonna diginto three positive discipline
tools.
These tools are pretty simple,but when you use them
consistently, they candramatically change the whole
emotional climate of your home.

(00:44):
You'll find yourself having lessyelling matches, less
resentment, and more teamwork.
Not just with your kids, butwith your partner too.
Hello and welcome to theSustainable Parenting Podcast.
Let me tell you, friend, thisplace is different.
We fill that gap between gentleparenting and harsh discipline
that's really missing to parentwith kindness and firmness at

(01:06):
the same time.
And give you the exact steps tobe able to parent in ways that
are more realistic andeffective, and for that reason,
finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.

(01:28):
I hope this message today givesyou a space to be able to come
together to be more able to say,yeah, I could be on your team
with that.
We could really back each otherup if we were both to agree to
that middle place of kindnessand firmness to get the kids to
cooperate.
And friend, if this is somethingyou've wanted to improve, I
invite you to set up a claritycall with me.

(01:50):
I have been having many couplescome to me lately who are like,
oh my gosh, this investment issaving us from divorce lawyers,
Flora, because we were gettingthere.
And friend, you're not alone.
A lot of arguments are aroundeither physical intimacy, money,
or parenting.
And so if this has become anumber one challenge in your

(02:10):
relationship, it's worthinvesting and getting on the
same page.
I'd love to talk with you.
I'd love to quickly get you in aplace where you both feel like
you can be on the kind and firmteam together.
So, friend, here are three keytools.
And these are mostly gleanedfrom positive discipline, which

(02:32):
I will cite in my show notesbecause it was created by Lynn
Lott and Jane Nelson, amazingmothers and experts in the field
of child psychology withevidence-based strategies that
have stood the test of time andbeen around since the 80s.
Before we dive into these tools,let's just name a few things.

(02:54):
Parenting is emotional work.
It touches every wound, everyinsecurity, every belief about
am I getting it right or am Ifailing?
So the first key thing I wantyou to think about as you're
going into these tough momentsis that we're not going to point
the pit the finger at what theother person is doing wrong.
We're going to acknowledge thatthe person on the kind side and

(03:18):
the firm side are both justtrying to do their best.
Like my husband keeps sayinglately, we're all just doing the
best we can.
Like they're just coming to thetable, wanting some sense of
control over their life andwanting some sense of enjoyment
in their time with their kids.
Those are really the two mainthings that get us into a

(03:40):
flustered space.
If we're not feeling like wehave some sense of control and
we're not feeling like we'rehaving some sense of enjoyment,
then we lean overly kind oroverly firm.
If you're pulling in oppositedirections, I want you to know
you are both in this for thesame good intentions.
To have a sense of control overyour life and to have a sense of

(04:02):
enjoyment of your time with yourkids.
So I offer you these three toolsthat I think can be a lifeline.
Tool number one, hear me out onthis.
There, it's deeper than it firstsounds.
We've got to work on connectionbefore correction.
And you may say, I do connectwith my kid.

(04:22):
It's like, it feels like abottomless bucket of connection.
I will spend time with them,I'll play these games, I'll even
play superheroes, and I'mexhausted.
It seems like no matter what Ido, they're never content enough
to then cooperate.
Well, friend, that's not whatit's about.
It's not like an equal give andtake.
Hey, if I do this favor for you,will you do a favor for me of

(04:45):
cooperating?
That's not what we're lookingfor.
It's a real relationship wherewhen there's resistance, we're
acknowledging with true empathythat there's some reason for
that resistance, and we'reconnecting to that.
We are connecting in a momentwhere a child says, No, I don't

(05:06):
want to go to the bath.
And we go, we okay, I'm gonnapause, I'm gonna stand in their
shoes, look around, out theireyeballs, and and name it.
Oh gosh, yeah, look at that.
You've been having so much funwith those tractors.
Or yeah, you go, you guys havebeen having so much fun playing
basketball out here, it's reallyhard to stop for sure.

(05:29):
Connection, naming,acknowledging, stepping into
their space, remembering thatthere's something underneath the
child's resistance that islikely so much deeper than just
being a jerk or just beingdifficult, right?
It's so easy to want to thinkthat it's that on the surface,
where really the child isfrustrated or they feel like a

(05:51):
lack of sense of control, orthey're just testing out to see
if it gets their needs met toact in a certain way.
So connection can look likegiving a hug.
Connection can look like pausingand naming that they're having a
hard time transitioning from thething you're asking them to
transition from.

(06:12):
Both kindness and firmness areused there.
Doesn't mean we're gonna say, Ican see you're having fun, so
okay, we'll be here 10 moreminutes.
And it also doesn't mean we'relike, get over here right now
because I said so.
It's this beautiful middle placeof being able to say, I see this
is hard for you, and it's timeto go.

(06:33):
It's a version of this phrasethat I use a lot called, I love
you, and the answer is no.
Second key tool that is sovaluable to put you more on the
same page with each other soyou're not in opposition, is to
have a family meeting.
For instance, when I had theprivilege to interview Jane
Nelson, founder of PositiveDiscipline, in episodes 57

(06:53):
through 59, one of the thingsshe kept emphasizing was the
power of the family meeting.
This is such a kind and firmpractice.
And I just talked with a familythis week where this was
revolutionary and gave them somuch more hope.
We talked about how the childrenare not responding when they're
asking them to get out the doormore easily.

(07:14):
And this is an older child.
And it's like, I'm tired ofnagging this kid to get out the
door.
I am tired of having to wakethem up and then they're mad at
me for yelling and nagging.
And then my partner is like,geez, why do you have to be that
way?
And we're all battling.
And when we talked with thisfamily about setting a family
meeting, it was like, ooh,that's what we're missing.

(07:37):
And when they came back the nextweek, they were seeing so much
more cooperation.
The difference in a familymeeting is the ability to move
from in the moment decidingwho's in control, like the
parents are saying it has tohappen this way, the kids are
pulling, I don't want to do itthat way.
And saying, outside of themoment, let's sit down and say,
Hey, mornings aren't going well.

(07:58):
Let's hear what's going on foryou, then let's share what's
going on for me, and let's finda solution that meets in the
middle.
It's that simple.
And it's such a beautiful way toreset the whole family to
problem solve when our brainsare actually able to problem
solve.
When we're in that frustration,we have five minutes to get out

(08:21):
the door so that the kid's notlate for school and we're not
late for work.
We are not in our greatproblem-solving brain.
But outside of the moment, maybeat dinner that night, we can be.
So I invite you to think about afamily reset of having a family
meeting where you talk aboutwhat's not going so great.
And if you want to learn moreabout that, it's talked about in

(08:42):
depth in episode 59 when Iinterviewed Jane Nelson on the
topic.
Third key tool from positivediscipline that can really help
you meet in the middle and havemore cooperation that is coming
from a place of both kindnessand firmness is a tool of
inviting cooperation throughwhat's called curiosity
questions.

(09:02):
If you hear me say to you, getyour coat, grab your shoes, get
your plate from the table, geton up to bedtime, stop whining,
quit fighting with your brother.
It's like command, command,order.
Notice where you find yourselfthinking, feeling, or deciding.
An invitation to solve theproblem sounds more like this.

(09:23):
Hey, what do we need to do soyour teeth won't feel skizzy?
What are you taking so you won'tbe cold outside?
What are you missing on yourbody?
How can you say that so I canhear you?
How could you and your brothersolve that?
An invitation to problemsolving.

(09:44):
And it's energetically, we'renot saying like that it's not
gonna happen.
We're saying this is happening.
What ideas do you have?
I'm giving an invitation toinvolve the child in solving the
problem.
And that's how it holds bothholds both kindness and firmness
at the same time.
And don't forget, friend, ifyou're looking for more
resources, and friend, if you'relooking for more resources to be

(10:07):
able to have more kind and firmparenting that feels more at
ease and sustainable, I have newresources in my Etsy shop linked
in the show description, andalso a free PDF of getting kids
to listen.
Friend, if you have beenstruggling to be on the same
page and you want less powerstruggles with your kids and
your partner, I invite you touse the three tools we've talked

about today (10:30):
connection before correction, family meetings, and
invitations instead of commands.
And friend, do not miss my nextepisode as I'm going to have a
very special guest, the mostspecial I've ever had in my
entire podcast, my daughter.
My nine-year-old is sharingthree key tips on parenting from

(10:51):
the point of a nine-year-old.
Can't wait to share that withyou next week, friends, as I
really believe you'll enjoy itas much as I did.
See you then.
If you'd like to leave a reviewto share how sustainable
parenting has been impactingyour life, I would be so
grateful.
It helps others to know what'spossible in their families too,
and you can do so easily byscrolling to the bottom of all

(11:12):
episodes, clicking on that fifthstar, and leaving a comment.
Also be sure you subscribe tothe podcast so that you
regularly get the downloads eachweek and don't miss a single
tool and strategy to beparenting with more kindness and
firmness at the same time soparenting finally feels
sustainable.