135. One Gentle Shift that Gets Kids to Listen More

If you’ve been trying so hard to stay calm, validate feelings, and reason with your child — but still end up in power struggles, meltdowns, or 20-minute debates about a broken banana — this episode is your breath of fresh air.

Flora McCormick, LCPC — parenting coach, counselor, and mom of two — reveals the surprising missing piece that makes gentle parenting actually work: learning to talk less.

You’ll hear a real client story of how one mom transformed morning battles simply by saying fewer words — and gain practical Positive Parenting Strategies you can use today to help your kids listen more and argue less.

Inside this episode, you’ll discover:
 • Why reasoning and explaining often backfire when kids are upset
 • How silence and calm presence soothe the brain faster than words
 • What “Kind and Firm Parenting” looks like in real moments of chaos

Parenting doesn’t have to be a 20-minute negotiation.
 Tune in to learn how to stop power struggles, calm big feelings, and guide your child with confidence — without yelling or over-explaining.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨NEW✨ pdfs and short video lessons on Respect, Bedtimes, Power Struggles and More: ON ETSY!

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference f...

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:01):
Gentle parenting is a great concept in the realm of
cycle breaking.
We want to go away from harsh,authoritarian, scary parenting
that we may have experienced inthe past, and yet sometimes we
end up in this place where theseven-year-old rolls their eyes
or throws a tantrum in publicfor the slightest little thing

(00:24):
not being their way, andsuddenly you're thinking, wait a
second, I'm doing all the gentlethings, but this is not the
results I wanted.
I do also want kids that listenand are respectful.
If this is you, friend, you'renot failing.
It's one crucial piece that'slikely missing from your gentle

(00:46):
parenting approach that cantransform into more ease and joy
and the kids actually listening.
So let's get it today.
And I can't wait for you to seehow it's likely the opposite of
what you think is going to makethis improvement.
Hey friend, welcome back to theSustainable Parenting Podcast,

(01:07):
where we bridge the gap betweenoverly gentle parenting and
overly harsh discipline so thatyou finally have the joy and
ease you've been missing.
When you are parenting withkindness and firmness at the
same time, ugh, parentingfinally feels sustainable.
You have dependable calm andresilience built in your child.

(01:27):
I'm your host, Flora McCormick,licensed therapist, parenting
coach, and mom of two.
And I'm so glad you're here.
So, friend, what is it that'smissing?
What is it that can help you tohave gentle parenting be working
better to calm the chaos?
It's not more motivation throughbribes or treats.

(01:50):
It's not that you have to startbeing more harsh at your kid and
yelling more.
It is not that.
It's not that that's missing.
But here's what's likelymissing.
It's often missing when I'mworking with gentle parents that
come to me, you know, wanting tochange the cycles of harshness
and scariness, but also drowningin a place where the kids don't

(02:13):
listen.
And a child is slamming the dooror screaming at them that the
banana wasn't open just right.
It sends them through the roofin a place that is like, oh, I
don't want to live this wayeither.
And my spouse is fighting withme because they're saying our
kid is disrespectful.
Here's what's missing less ismore.

(02:36):
And using only a few words oreven zero.
How do I hold boundaries if I'mholding if I'm saying zero
words, Flora?
That doesn't make any sense.
Less is more.
If I don't want to be harsh whenI'm upset at a child, but I
still want to hold my boundary,I can say less words and keep

(02:56):
holding the boundary.
I'm telling you, this ispowerful.
Just did this the other day withmy daughter.
It was like, honey, I know thatyou're upset about the fact that
we need to take care of thischore.
And I'm gonna give you somespace because she was like, it's
not fair, and I don'tunderstand, and why can't Caleb
and blah blah blah?

(03:17):
And it wasn't helping to keeparguing my case, try to convince
her.
So less is more.
I disengaged.
One of my favorite words inparenting these days.
Now, is that unloving?
No, I'm gonna disengage from thefight, and as soon as things are
calm, I'm gonna super engage.

(03:37):
I'm gonna be like, I love you somuch.
Let me remind you how much Ilove you.
And and and I can have a sensestill of loving presence.
I'm just disengaging from thefight.
I'm not disengaging from thelove.
That can look like staying inthe room when your child is
upset and just holding theoption of a loving hug with your

(03:59):
arms out, but not screaming atthem, calm down, why are you
doing this?
You need to stop.
That's how you disengage whileholding love.
It can look like just walkingyourself into the car and
waiting instead of continuing tostand in the mud room screaming
at them, why haven't you gottenyour shoes on and why are you

(04:20):
making this so hard?
And why can't you just get outthere and then I'm gonna be late
and this is so stressful andyou're making this hard again?
Right.
Can be just going out to the carand waiting.
It can look like the kids arefighting in the back of the car
again or getting rough with eachother, and you kindly yet firmly
pull the car over and say, Letme know when you're done.

(04:44):
I'll get back in when you'recalm and stepping out of the car
and waiting.
Why does this work?
How can you get a kid to listenwhen you're not even talking?
Because our actions always speaklouder than our words.
I know that's a phrase that iscommon, but really let it hit

(05:05):
hard today.
When they're not listening tome, it's because I'm only using
my words to get them to listen.
When in fact, when I can pressmy lips together and take
action, it can speak so muchmore powerfully very often.
It's a sense of being more ableto hold your tongue and use that

(05:34):
to have more firmness so youdon't lose your kindness.
People usually think in thatbalance of seeking kindness and
firmness, like, ah, I'm blowingup on my kid.
I think I need more kindness.
And don't forget, these have tohold hands, they work together.
You are not going to be able toget back to being more kind if
you don't have more firmness.

(05:56):
And let's teach you how to dothat firmness in a way that
doesn't have to be harsh, thatdoesn't have to be punitive.
I think of a family this weekthat I was meeting with and they
were like, the dad was justpersistent, but how do I get
them to listen?
Okay, I hear what you said, buthow do they listen?
And I said, it's a lot aboutcontrolling ourselves and

(06:19):
controlling that if they're notin a space to solve the problem
or do the task we're re-askingfor, we let go.
Not forever, but in that moment,we go, okay, I'm gonna walk
away.
I'm gonna give you a sec to besuper upset about your shoe not
going on right, or the fact thatit is your night to do the

(06:40):
dishwasher.
I'm gonna walk away.
We don't need to keep battlingabout your resistance.
I can say, I see you need aminute and give some space.
Or we could offer a hug.
I talked about this last week.
My daughter talked about it inthe interview I had with her in
the episode right before thisone.
If you didn't get to check thatout, I definitely recommend you

(07:02):
do.
The biggest thing that mostpeople are missing here about
how to have more firmness is howto control our own tongue, how
to be able to pull back and sayless.
Less is so much more in a battlewith a toddler that's
irrational.
I have this picture from BrucePerry that shows the three main

(07:24):
brain states that we end up in.
We're either in our calm brain,our logical brain, where people
can reason with us, or we aremoving down the triangle.
It's like an upside-downtriangle.
Picture wide at the top andnarrowing to a bottom tip.
I think of the width of thattriangle representing the amount
of words we use.

(07:44):
When we're in our reasoningbrain, the widest part of the
triangle, we can use lots ofwords with the child.
They're in their reasoningbrain.
We can talk through how to, youknow, be more responsible with
our backpack or how it's okay tohave this option for dinner.
If you don't like what we'recooking, but we are not going to

(08:06):
change our mind on these otherways.
We can have those discussionswhen their brain is calm.
But when they start to get upsetand when they're fully blown up,
less is more.
Think of that tip of thetriangle that's very narrow and
using only a few words or evenzero.

(08:28):
Oh, friend, this transforms yourability to stay a gentle parent
who is also calm and has kidsthat listen.
And if you're like, oh gosh,okay, I would love some more on
this topic.
I've been hearing a lot aboutgentle parenting and just verbal

(08:49):
validation, and this actually isresonating with me.
I want more of this.
Check out episode 129 where wetalk about the tools that stop
hitting, scratching, andgrabbing.

And check out episode 116 (09:01):
Three Ways to Control Your Anger as a
Parent without yelling.
Because I promise you, thesealso are about how to have more
firmness alongside your kindnessthat just transforms the ability
to stay calm and confident inyour parenting.

(09:22):
And in my experience of 20 yearsworking with kids and families
and 11 years now raising my ownkids, it really works to create
kids that feel both loved andrespected and are humans who are
respectful to the rules andboundaries.
Friend, if you'd like to diveinto this more, also reach out

(09:45):
for coaching, which can bepurchased in a one-time session
or a three-session packagebundle that saves$100.
There are also many freebies atthe bottom of my episodes.
So I hope that you'll find aservice that fits what you're
looking for, whether you needsomething for free and short
term or you're looking for deeptransformation.

(10:06):
I want that for you.

SPEAKER_00 (10:08):
Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to
my mom.
Sustainable parenting with FloraMcCormick.

SPEAKER_01 (10:17):
Friend, if you'd like to leave a review to share
how sustainable parenting hasbeen impacting your life, I
would be so grateful.
It helps others to know what'spossible in their families too,
and you can do so easily byscrolling to the bottom of all
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Also be sure you subscribe tothe podcast so that you
regularly get the downloads eachweek and don't miss a single

(10:40):
tool and strategy to beparenting with more kindness and
firmness at the same time soparenting finally feels
sustainable.