136. Defiance Decoded: How to Respond Without Yelling

Do you ever find yourself thinking, “Why is she being so difficult?”

If so, you’re in the right place — and you’re definitely not alone.

I’m Flora McCormick, Licensed Professional Counselor and Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant- and in this episode I’m sharing a powerful reframe that brings so much relief in those tough moments:

Instead of asking “Why is she acting out?” shift to “What is she having a hard time with?”

This one question changes the whole tone of the interaction and helps kids listen far more easily.

Inside this episode, you’ll hear:

• What defiance really looks and sounds like in ages 3–10

• Why gentle parenting can accidentally slip into permissive parenting

• My simple 3-step “Calm → Connect → Direct” script that works without yelling or endless explaining

• How to validate feelings while still holding firm boundaries

• How to use when/then statements and two-choice follow-throughs to stop power struggles

• The easiest way to avoid lecture loops and over-talking

• Three real-life scenarios (bedtime, leaving the park, sibling fights) with the exact words I use in my own home and with clients

If you’re craving Positive Parenting Strategies that actually work in the heat of the moment — not just in theory — this episode will feel like a breath of fresh air.

You’ll walk away with tools for:

• How to Get Kids to Listen, 
• Parenting Without Yelling, 
• Gentle Discipline, 
• Kind and Firm Parenting,
• Positive Discipline, 
• Raising Resilient Kids.

Press play and discover how a simple shift and a simple script can transform the hardest moments into calmer, more connected ones.

✨Want more?

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✨NEW✨ pdfs and short video lessons on Respect, Bedtimes, Power Struggles and More: ON ETSY!

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:01):
Today we're talking about a struggle every parent
knows all too well.
Kids pushing back, the no inyour face, or the flopping on
the floor, or even the like flatout ignoring and going about
their life as though you haven'tjust said something five times.
It can be so frustrating whenyou see this pushback or often

(00:21):
called defiance right in yourface.
And it's not just frustrating,it's offensive.
Like, how dare you?
I do so much for you.
That is so rude.
It feels disrespectful.
It feels like a slap in theface.
And so, of course, it's easy forus to respond in ways that don't
often make it any better.
We yell, we throw a tantrum backat them, basically.

(00:44):
And today, friend, I want tohelp you instead to unlock why
your child's doing this and asimple phrase that really pivots
everything so that you can bemore calm and effective, and it
actually gets differentresponses out of the kids.
Hey friend, welcome back to theSustainable Parenting Podcast,
where we bridge the gap betweenoverly gentle parenting and

(01:05):
overly harsh discipline so thatyou finally have the joy and
ease you've been missing.
When you are parenting withkindness and firmness at the
same time, ugh, parentingfinally feels sustainable.
You have dependable calm andresilience built in your child.
I'm your host, Flora McCormick,licensed therapist, parenting

(01:26):
coach, and mom of two.
And I'm so glad you're here.
In my over 20 years of workingwith families, this is something
I hear again and again.
Parents come to me with thequestion: why is she being so
difficult?
Why is she so rude?
Why doesn't she care?
Can you relate?

(01:47):
And friend, the first thing thatI want to tell you is we are
gonna get nowhere in improvementin this child's behavior and
cooperation if we do not startwith a reframe.
When we are asking why, eitherout loud to our child or to our
partner, why is she sodifficult?
Like a family was just tellingme, we just feed off each other.

(02:08):
We can end up texting eachother, oh, WTF, like anything,
just like this is sofrustrating.
Why are they making it so hard?
Or we can end up saying itdirectly to our kids, why are
you so difficult?
Why don't you act like yoursister?
Why are you making this hard?
Any of those whys are totallyuseless.

(02:32):
I'm gonna say it that bluntly.
They're actually useless becausea why, first of all, believes
that the kid even knows whythey're doing it.
And typically they don't.
It's because they were built totest rules and boundaries to see
what happens when they do, andthey're just naturally acting
that out because that's how theylearn.

(02:54):
Or it might be that they haveunderlying drives that they're
not even aware of, they'relooking for attention, they're
looking for more power.
And in their littlethree-year-olds, five-year-olds,
even 11-year-old body, theydon't know that.
They're not conscious of it.
It's up to us as their wiseparents to be able to be clever
enough to see that motivationunderneath.

(03:18):
So when your child is saying noor ignoring you, or not doing
the thing that you're askinglike bluntly when you have just
said it five times, friend, weneed to first reframe in our
head from the why to a what.
What is she having a hard timewith?
Now I want to credit that thisquestion largely comes from the

(03:42):
work of Ross Green in his workof writing the book The
Explosive Child and also RaisingHuman Beings.
Wonderful books that reallyunlock and unpack this whole
concept, and I'm gonna summarizeit for you here today, friend.
One of the central pivotalpieces he gives is when we in

(04:02):
our adult mind can approach theproblem with a focus on what is
she having a hard time with?
Dig into that.
It's juicy, it really shiftsthings.
When the child says no, and Iask myself, what is she having a

(04:24):
hard time with?
It could be she's having a hardtime accepting this limit.
And that pivots how I respond.
It's like, okay, yes, you'rehaving a hard time with this
limit.
And we might go to a resourceI've given you in other
episodes, I love you, and theanswer is no.
And we're not questioning it,we're not like, how dare you?

(04:45):
We're just able to accept, oh,she's having a hard time with
this boundary.
And that's a normal part ofgrowth.
If the child is ignoring you andgoing about their business, and
I pivot to, what is she having ahard time with?
My mindset might say, I thinkshe's having a hard time feeling

(05:06):
empowered.
Like here I am.
I just walked in the door.
I can think of a family I'vebeen working with recently.
And dad often can end up walkingin the door and immediately
looking around, seeing the shoeson the floor, the backpack next
to the hook, and the dishwashernot unloaded, and go right into,
hey, you need to do this, youneed to do this, you need to do
this.

(05:26):
And it's like, ugh, that hitslike a pound of bricks.
She's having a hard time withgetting ordered around
immediately without someconnection.
And she's having a hard timewith maybe not feeling
empowered, a clear boundary thatwhen she does XYZ, then she gets
ABC privileges.
And with dad just coming in andand saying, I want this done, I

(05:50):
want that done, and it's neverbeen agreed in advance.
There, she's having a hard timewith that sense of not feeling
much empowerment.
Hmm.
That puts us in a differentframe of mind and approach in
how we are going to speak to ourchild.
If the child is flopping on thefloor, we may say to ourselves,

(06:15):
instead of, why are you doingthat?
Why are you being so difficult?
If I pivot to what is she havinga hard time with, my mind goes a
little more towards she's havinga hard time managing her
emotions.
And okay, outside of the moment,we have some work to do on
making agreements in advanceabout what we're gonna do when
you need space to scream, shout,or kick.

(06:39):
And if you want to know moreabout that, you can dive into
episode 37 where I talk abouthow to help kids calm down.
Now, how did we get here?
How did we end up in a placewhere your child is being
defiant?
I want to suggest it might bethat your gentle approach has
accidentally become permissive.
When our kids are being reallydefiant and we are getting very

(07:01):
frustrated often, I say toparents, friend, I say this to
you lovingly, hear it with loveand hear it with knowing that I
really do care about attachmentand compassion.
If you keep getting to the endof your rope, you probably need
a shorter rope.
Now, I don't mean we want to behurtful, harmful, or just, you

(07:22):
know, authoritarian, but I meanif you are not more clear with
what your plan is when your kidsare not managing their emotions
well, or when they're having ahard time with the boundary
you've set, or when they arefeeling disempowered, then you
are going to go into your chaosbrain, your frustration,
overwhelm, and be at the end ofyour rope.

(07:43):
It's not the kids' fault.
It's because the gentle approachto parenting has maybe slipped
into permissiveness, which isjust all about talking about
feelings and not having enoughboundaries is gonna lead you
feeling powerless and in a placewhere your rope is too long.
And guess what?
That gets you to the end of yourrope more easily.

(08:04):
Gets you to those 20-minute longdebates where you are just
totally flooded and overwhelmed.
And by the end of it, you'reboth having a tantrum.
So, friend, the simple script toimprovement here when you want
to respond to pushback in a moreeffective way is if you are
having a hard time with defianceand pushback, the number one

(08:27):
thing I ask you to shift is tomove from a mindset of why are
they doing this?
Why are they being difficult, towhat are they having a hard time
with and what is our plan forresponding?
I know that may sound simple andchallenging.

(08:47):
So if you are not feelingequipped for that final answer,
what can I do, even if I'm awareof what I think they're having a
hard time with, that's where Icome in, friend.
Right now I have on sale myemotional resilience and getting
calm cooperation toolkits.
And the link for those are inthe description of this episode.
And also reach out forone-on-one support because that

(09:09):
way we can dive in and reallyaddress your specific family,
your unique strengths, and yourunique challenges so that you
can get into more calm,confidence as a parent, and more
cooperation and joy with yourfamily.
And join me again next week aswe're gonna dive into how to
stop power struggles at mealtimeso that you can enjoy your time

(09:32):
with kids as young as two and upthrough 18.
What to do when they're sayingit's just fine or they don't
want to talk, or they're tryingto run away from the table and
get into toys, we have answersfor all of those in next week's
episode.
See you then.

SPEAKER_00 (09:49):
Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to
my mom.
Sustainable parenting with FloraMcClormick.

SPEAKER_01 (09:58):
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(10:22):
tool and strategy to beparenting with more kindness and
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