138. Stop Arguing And Start Calming: How To Get Real Cooperation

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_01 (00:01):
Today, we're talking about something that transforms
stuck moments fast.
It's not a magic script or aperfect argument or a more
convincing explanation, but itis what I think you're needing
most in that moment where youfeel like you're losing control.
When you're already in a powerstruggle at 7:40 in the morning

(00:22):
on a Saturday, or you'reexhausted when you pick up your
child and they just launch rightinto all of their complaints
about how life isn't fair, andyou feel depleted.
Friend, when you feel like youhave no control that seems to
help the situation, this is adifferent seat I want to offer
you that I think can unlock muchbetter results.

(00:46):
It settles the nervous system,softens defenses, and opens the
door to cooperation.
Hey friend, welcome back to theSustainable Parenting Podcast,
where we bridge the gap betweenoverly gentle parenting and
overly harsh discipline so thatyou finally have the joy and
ease you've been missing.
When you are parenting withkindness and firmness at the

(01:06):
same time, ugh, parentingfinally feels sustainable.
You have dependable calm andresilience built in your child.
I'm your host, Flora McCormick,licensed therapist, parenting
coach, and mom of two.
And I'm so glad you're here.
Before we talk strategy, let'stalk science.

(01:30):
There is a reason that controlis not the thing that most gets
us to have a child cooperating.
If we launch right into arguingagainst a child's argument,
guess what?
We're giving them fuel for morearguing.
However, if we can shift andknow the brain science of what

(01:51):
really does help in thosemoments, we can get cooperation
fast.
Here's what's typically missing,friend.
It's the biology ofunderstanding how connection
melts defenses.
Here's the heart mathexplanation of why this works.
If you know of heart math, thenyou understand some of this.

(02:11):
But if not, I encourage you tocheck that out.
There's some links in thisepisode's description.
HeartMath Institute has decadesof research showing that when
we're near someone within arm'slength, um, whoever's nervous
system is calmer or moreregulated, the other body is
literally going to sync withthat calmer, regulated nervous

(02:35):
system.
Now, you may be saying, well, mynervous system isn't any calmer
when they're not cooperating.
And yes, friend, it is a call toaction for us to do our work on
how to regulate our body so thatwhen we're within arm's length,
that connection we offer to ourchild then can give what's

(02:55):
called heart coherence.
The rhythm of our calmer heartcan soften and smooth their
elevated heart.
Here's the cool part when aparent steps closer, softens
their voice, even places a handon a child's shoulder, the
child's heart rhythm starts tosync with the parents.

(03:16):
They've done scientific researchthat can really look at all of
the electrodes firing, and it'sthere.
The heart feels I'm safe.
I don't need to keep defendingmyself and proving myself.
Defenses lower, reasoningreturns, flexibility rises, and
cooperation becomes possible.

(03:39):
We know this further also in thework of Ross Green, one of my
favorite authors, who wrote abook called Raising Human
Beings.
That's the one most accessibleto all families.
And you may know him previouslyfor as the author of The
Explosive Child.
And he then wrote Raising HumanBeings to apply the same
principles to kids of all kindsof emotional reactions, which is

(04:01):
every child, every adult, even,right?
So he helps us to know that kidscan only access their problem
solving when their defenses aredown.
Hear that again.
I mean, it's really comes fromunderstanding also the work of
Bruce Perry that our brain isreally in one of three emotional
states.
It's either calm and able toreason, or it's emotional, or

(04:23):
it's super freaking outflight-flighter freeze.
So we can't do our frontal lobeproblem solving if our brain is
in an emotional place orfreaking out place.
So we have to lower the defensesin order to get to the problem
solving.
Calm the emotion to get to theproblem solving.

(04:44):
Defenses drop when people feelheard, understood, and not alone
in their problem.
Now, this is hard when theirproblem is us.
Our kid may be coming to us aswe pick them up from school
saying, you never make sister goto appointments like this.
Why do I have to go tocounseling?

(05:04):
And you want to argue with themand say, This is a ridiculous
problem.
But what they're most lookingfor to bring their defenses down
is they want to feel heard, theywant to feel understood, and
that they're not alone in theirproblem.
Ross Green talks about how kidsresist when we feel they feel
someone is trying to imposeinstead of trying to understand.

(05:28):
So if you and your child hasbeen resistant, have been more
likely to then impose yourargument to convince them their
argument is wrong.
Guess what you get?
More pushback.
Instead, I want to encourage youto shift to more understanding.
When someone feels understood,when they feel listened to, they
are more likely than to listen.

(05:51):
They want to feel like you getthem.
And I'm going to give you someexamples in just a moment of
real parents sharing how theyhave applied this and how it has
helped.
The key is when we offerconnection, it softens, it gives
a sense of more opportunity forcollaboration because they feel

(06:14):
like you get them, they are notalone, and their feelings are
seen and heard and understoodand seen as valid.
That's different than trying toget control of a kid that is not
doing what we want them to do.
When we start with connection,compassion, even empathy is a
key piece of this.

(06:35):
And here's the other beauty, myfriend.
When you can sink intoconnection instead of control,
it's so much easier.
So much simpler.
I'm always saying here atSustainable Parenting, one of my
goals is to help you parent withkindness and firmness in a way
that is parenting smarter, notharder.

(06:57):
So much out there, especially inthe overly gentle parenting
movement, feels very exhausting.
Like I have parents come to meall the time.
My gosh, I was validating my kidfor 45 minutes last night and it
still didn't work.
I think I still need to be morepatient.
Oh, that's exhausting.
That's parenting harder.

(07:17):
Friend, here we want to parentsmarter, not harder.
There are things we can do thattake less time and actually are
more effective at our big goals.
And this is one of them when welean into connection instead of
control.
It's easier.
It works faster.
Trying to get your child tocooperate by using logic or
debating or trying to craft theperfect response, uh, it's

(07:40):
exhausting.
Typically, you're just fightingso hard to have the quote right
argument that only to have themargue right back.
And then you have to have a newgreat argument and they argue
right back.
These little lawyers, ah, I'vehad parents tell me it's like,
gosh, my kid is gonna be a greatlawyer when they grow up.
But right now it's reallypissing me off.
Heck yeah.
Those wise little kids, I'vegonna serve them well in the

(08:02):
future.
But if you keep arguing, you'rejust giving them more to argue
against.
Controlling a situation justfans the flame that's burning
where they don't feelunderstood, they don't feel
seen, and they feel alone intheir problem.
So the more you try to control,the more they're left alone, the
more they're fighting with you.

(08:22):
When parents try to melt, try tomanage a meltdown by arguing our
point, we stay locked in thestorm.
So connection can use the simpleprinciple from Daniel Siegel
that when we name it, we tameit.
When we reflect a child'sfeelings, that's super simple.

(08:43):
We don't have to come up with aclever argument that's gonna be
quote, right and win.
Guess what's more effective?
We say to a child what they justsaid to us.
We just name it to tame it.
We're not arguing, we're notproving a point.
And that can sound like, oh,this feels really unfair right

(09:04):
now to you.
It seems like you wish we hadmore time to stay at the park.
You really didn't want it to gothis way.
That's it.
I'm imagining the kid has justsaid to me all the things they
think are unfair and why theywant to stay at the park, and

(09:25):
why it's not fair that theydon't get to get the flavor of
ice cream they were hoping for.
And rather than arguing, it'ssimpler and more effective to
lean into just connecting andnaming their feeling.
Guess what?
It really works.
Not because it gives in, itdoesn't, but it gives them their

(09:46):
dignity that their feelingsmatter and we see them, they are
seen, they are understood, theyare not alone in their problem.
That lowers resistance.
This isn't permissive parenting,friend.
You are not giving up yourboundaries, but when you are
striving to control, control,control with just the right

(10:08):
argument, I want to invite youto drop that and seek connection
and compassion first andforemost.
And I bet you'll be shocked.
I have talked with parents thisweek that have seen this work
better with a 16-year-old.
And I'm gonna share with youright now examples of someone

(10:29):
with an 11-year-old and atoddler.
So, friend, I invite you to hearthese stories of how connection
before correction really madesuch a difference and had much
better results than trying tocontrol.

SPEAKER_02 (10:45):
She was like having some friend issues or whatever,
and then she was fine.
And then later on thatafternoon, she got annoyed
because they're going to therapyand she has to have her therapy
appointment during school andshe doesn't want to have to get
taken out of class.
And I tend to get like, well,it's just it's an hour every

(11:05):
other week, it's fine, you know.
I want to start saying thosekinds of things, and I do.
And then I had to stop myself.
She's like, I'm gonna go wait inthe car because we were about to
go to dance.
And I was like, okay.
And so then I caught myselfbecause I was like, I'm gonna go
in the car and we're gonna talkabout this.
And I was like, wait a second,let me just like relate to her.
So I got in the car, and um, Iwas like, You really are bummed

(11:30):
that you have to miss school forthese lessons for these
sessions.
And she was like, Yeah, I waslike, Yeah, that does suck.
I was like, I hate it when Ihave to, you know, leave
something that I want to be atfor another thing.
It kind of sucks.
I'm sorry.
And then she was fine.
Like, I was like, really?
That's all it took.
And she was like, on to the nextthing.
She had a smile on her face.

(11:52):
She was not having this littlelike preteen attitude anymore.
And it was like in my head, I'mlike, did that really just
happen?
Is this magic?
Like, what happened?

SPEAKER_01 (12:06):
That's it.
That's going to be the juicything that leads to a positive
relationship, her turning to youin difficulties from now till
her 40s.
And it really is.
It's that simple and it's thathard, right?
It's that hard for us to like gothere.

(12:26):
Your first instinct is all ofour first instinct.
Let's just tell her not a bigdeal.
Come on, move on.
But if we can pivot, it actuallycan take less time to be so much
more effective.

SPEAKER_03 (12:38):
Yay.
Uh QN, I think I would say umstill kind of hits an eight to a
10 sometimes on, you know, fordifferent reasons.
And there was an incident lastweek where um he kind of hit
that.
And I think being able to justrecognize that I can like oh, it
was we were driving home in thecar, he saw I got a band-aid for

(13:00):
getting my vaccines, and he likereally wanted to get his shot
too, which is great.
But he like wanted to go rightnow, and and he just like hit a
10 of just like screaming in thecar.
And you know, at first myinstinct was just to kind of be
logical and just kind of say,like, hey, the doctor's closed,
like, we can't go right now.
I need to make an appointment.

(13:20):
And you're just like, okay, thisisn't working, like that doesn't
make sense.
Um, so I think just recognizingthat like he hit the 10.
I just need to be there for himand let him like let this pass,
um, validate his feelings, like,understand that he wants a
band-aid too, understand hewants a shot.
Um, and by the time we got home,he calmed down and I was like,

(13:40):
I'll call the doctor and we'llfind time to go this week.
And he's like, Okay.
And then he was fine.
So I think just kind of like nottrying to, you know, get to that
logical place of like, hey, thisdoesn't make sense.
Like, why are you crying?
And just kind of seeing thathe's in that overreacting state,
and then allowing him to let itpass.
And then once he's calm, beingable to go from there and and um

(14:04):
found that to be um a small win,you know, just tantruming a
15-minute car ride home and justkind of just like, ah, okay,
well, I can't do anything, andI'm just gonna let you let you
be.
So um, yeah.
So I think that was my smallwin.

SPEAKER_01 (14:19):
Yes, same thing.
This applies to 11-year-oldsjust as much to a three-year-old
is the this is that process.
It's so weird, but when we feellike we have to fix it or rescue
them, um, or like quiet theemotion that seems so irritating
or irrational, sometimes all weneed to do is go through this
process.
Name it, validate it, listen,let it all air out, and you

(14:44):
know, and then if need be, theremight be guiding them.

SPEAKER_00 (14:47):
Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to
my mom.
Sustainable parenting with FloraMcCormick.

SPEAKER_01 (14:56):
Friend, if you'd like to leave a review to share
how sustainable parenting hasbeen impacting your life, I
would be so grateful.
It helps others to know what'spossible in their families too,
and you can do so easily byscrolling to the bottom of all
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Also be sure you you subscribeto the podcast so that you
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(15:19):
tool and strategy to beparenting with more kindness and
firmness at the same time soparenting finally feels
sustainable.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}138. Stop Arguing And Start Calming: How To Get Real Cooperation