Pain doesn’t just speak through shouting; it also speaks through silence. We dive into the quiet rules that govern families—unspoken expectations that demand women be endlessly available and men be unbreakable providers—and how those pressures turn love into performance and resentment. Through raw personal stories, we trace how unmet needs harden into contempt, how emotions become a force that drives the “get back game,” and how confronting the truth with compassion can stop generational pain from becoming a generational curse.
You’ll hear how a daughter’s hurt toward her absent father evolved into healing once she recognized his own unspoken trauma. That shift didn’t excuse harm, but it reframed the story: imperfect people often parent from unhealed places. From there we build practical and spiritual tools to restore trust—listening for what isn’t said, using simple “I” statements, replacing unrealistic standards with clear agreements, and honoring parents while setting firm boundaries. We talk about slowing the tongue, training the ear, and letting faith anchor purpose when our plans only multiply conflict.
If you’re tired of mind-reading, walking on eggshells, or replaying old fights, this conversation offers language and steps to move forward. Communicate before emotions decide for you. Choose maturity over momentum. Protect your peace without silencing your needs. Subscribe for more conversations that blend real-life stories with tools you can use today, share this episode with someone who needs it, and leave a review to tell us the first hard conversation you’ll start this week.
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Episode Transcript
Hidden expectations crush women.
Man up myths silence men.
SPEAKER_02 (00:11):
I mean, women are expected to always be there,
always be present, always beavailable in every situation.
SPEAKER_00 (00:21):
And while on the other hand, men are always
expected to provide, alwaysexpected to protect.
And so today we are sharing uhsome information, some vital
information on what it is tounderstand the unspoken.
(00:44):
Understanding the unspoken.
I am your host, Dr.
Lydia Michelle Young.
I'm here with my co-host,Intercessor Janine Nicole.
SPEAKER_02 (00:54):
Today is Wednesday, midweek, middle of the week,
Wednesday, refreshing fire.
Thank you so much for tuning into Sweet Fire the Podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (01:04):
And uh, we're we're just looking forward to what
this session is going to bring.
Come on, Intercessor.
SPEAKER_02 (01:12):
Jump in.
Good evening, uh, everyone.
God bless you all.
Um hidden expectations.
Give me the title here.
Understanding the unspoken.
Understanding the unspoken.
And it's oftentimes the unspokenthings that tear families apart.
(01:34):
You know, a devastaterelationship causes, you know,
um, causes issues, really,causes issues.
It's those unspoken things thatcan really tear a person apart,
can really bring division into arelationship, you know, that can
really bring division, not justyou know, intimate
(01:56):
relationships, but can bringdivisions in the workplace, can
bring divisions in ministries,those unspoken things.
So definitely looking forward tojumping into it on this evening.
SPEAKER_01 (02:07):
Absolutely, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00 (02:09):
Uh, those unspoken uh ideas, those unspoken
feelings, those those unspokenpains, those things that are
unspoken, hidden expectations.
SPEAKER_02 (02:22):
Um, so they're they're human expectations.
Some are real, some are uh uhunrealistic, some are realistic,
some are unrealistic.
I want to tell share a littlestory.
Uh, this is a life experiencefor me.
As a young girl, I had a uhexpectation of my father.
Uh, that expectation, uh, Iexpected him to love me.
(02:46):
I expected him uh to believe inme.
I expected him to be there forme.
I expected him to protect me.
I expected him to be kind to me.
I expected him just to beinterested in me because why I'm
his little girl, I'm hisdaughter.
But those expectations wentunmet.
(03:07):
They went unmet.
And so because they it was thathe needed to man up, he needed
to father up, he needed to bethat father uh in my life.
Um, and and so because theunexpected unexpected
expectations, excuse me, wereunmet, the things that I did not
(03:27):
communicate, the things that Idid not share with him, or how I
felt, or what I wanted from him,what I needed, what I desired
from my father, um, you know, itit angered me inside.
So instead of me saying man up,I I would call him a punk.
And that angered him.
Um, it probably hurt him.
(03:48):
Right.
But my see, I I I called him apunk because I wanted my pain to
cause him pain.
I wanted what I was feeling.
I wanted him to feel some pain.
Um, and you know, as I grew upand I got older, and I'm gonna
jump to this, but when I grewup, I got older, I realized that
(04:10):
he was hurt, a hurt man.
My father was a broken man.
He was a funny man, he washandsome, he was creative, uh,
very skilled, very tactful.
Um, but he was hurt in hischildhood.
So we talk about childhoodtrauma, right?
But when I called him a punk, itangered him.
(04:31):
Um, as I grew up, as I began togrow um and release him, I began
to really love him.
I loved him, but all thatunspoken expectation, all those
expectations that were hidden,because I didn't uh I didn't
know how to communicate them.
I expected him just to know,hey, you're my father.
(04:52):
This is what I need.
So this is what you should begiving me.
It went unspoken.
Um, but I began to love him.
I was able to release him inspite of uh what the feelings
that I had, healing happened.
It took years, but healinghappened.
You you have something?
Oh, absolutely.
(05:13):
That's a relatable experiencethat you're sharing, you know,
because let's just face it,especially here in our Western
culture, you know, a lot of ushave, you know, we grew up in
single-parent homes.
And who was that absent parent?
It was the male figure, it wasthe father figure, was not in
(05:34):
the home.
So I know I'm not the only onewho could totally relate to your
experience right now.
Um, because my father, you know,if it's no secret, you know, uh
many know, was not available,was not there, right?
But, you know, any fatherissues, you know, the world uh
calls them daddy issues, right?
Any of those issues that I mayhave had growing up, you know,
(05:58):
God delivered me from that backin 1995.
I can remember the story, youknow, very clear.
The Lord delivered me from that.
And, you know, with thatdeliverance, with me being open
and receptive to receive thatdeliverance, you know, from my
you know, absent father, Godshared something with me uh some
(06:18):
years ago, you know, and Ibelieve this is gonna help
somebody here on this evening.
Our parents do the best thatthey know how to do.
Right.
I'm gonna share that again.
Our parents do the best thatthey know how to do.
And when we say parents, we'retalking about those who really
invest their time in theirchildren, not those who just,
(06:40):
you know, uh uh having babies tobe having babies, but those who
are actually parenting theirchild, right?
The parents they do the bestthat they know how to do,
doctor.
There's only one perfect parent.
There's only one perfect parent,right?
So, you know, taking that intoconsideration, and I believe
(07:01):
that's you know, uh how you wereable to heal from the issues
that you had with your father,because the Lord ministered to
you that your father was abroken man.
He was a broken man who birthedchildren into this world.
And just because he birthedchildren into this world, it
didn't mean, you know, thathaving the children was going to
(07:22):
heal him from his unspokenissues, right?
You know, because our parents, Imean, they're imperfect human
beings.
They could they they birthchildren into the world, you
know, uh uh from fromexperiences that they had.
And many of them, you know, theyhave yet to talk about those
experiences and they becomeunspoken issues, right?
(07:46):
But yet they're there andthey're parenting their child
the best way that they know howthey're parenting from a place
of pain.
You know, and that pain,unfortunately, being unresolved
and unspoken, what turn whatturns out you know to happen?
They become curses, right?
Generational curses that carryon generationally because of the
(08:12):
unspoken issues, the unresolvedissues.
SPEAKER_00 (08:16):
Absolutely, unresolved, unspoken, um, hidden
expectations.
So, what do hidden expectationscause?
They cause emotion to build upin a person.
SPEAKER_02 (08:30):
When we look at the root word emotion, it really
means to move out or to stir up.
So those feelings on the insideuh are a force, they become a
force, and and that person willtake action.
Me and my father, we fought likewith weapons, like we name
calling, you know.
(08:51):
We later, you know, we sharedlove, but it wasn't what I
expected.
I wanted more.
Um and so emotions are a force,they cause a person to act upon
how they feel.
It's it there's a it's to moveout, to stir up emotions.
(09:13):
Internal movement, emotions movethrough a person, they move
through a person.
So, you know, when we talk aboutinternal movement, there's
agitation, uh, there's anxiety,there's frustration, there's
fear.
Uh, all of these things takeplace.
Um impulse, we're not thinkingclearly, right?
(09:35):
Right.
We fail to communicate how wefeel.
SPEAKER_03 (09:38):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (09:38):
Uh, and it makes it difficult uh for, you know,
we're talking about now, let'slet's look at look at my father.
If his situation was how he grewup, and then my relationship
with my father, you know, I havesiblings, uh, it made it
difficult for him because heneeded to listen to this, he
(09:59):
needed to man up, right?
It silenced him, it made itdifficult for him because he
wasn't living the standard, hewasn't living the part.
It made it difficult for him toeven express how he felt or talk
about his feelings, right?
Come on, yeah, uh uh unrealisticexpectations that that is so
(10:19):
key, right there.
Those unrealistic expectations,what they bring into
relationships, right?
Those unrealistic expectations,what they bring into
relationships, oftentimes it'ssuch devastation, it's such
pain, it's such separation.
(10:43):
How you know how do we respondto un how do we respond to those
unrealistic expectations?
How do we respond to that?
You know, we got to we have toget to a place to where we stop
putting so much pressure onanother person that we stop
putting so much pressure onimperfect people, imperfect
(11:09):
people with you know with withissues, imperfect people who are
out here living the same lifethat we are out here living, you
know, imperfect people who havethose unresolved, unspoken
issues.
You know, who's going to who'sgoing to who's going to uh uh
stand up in the relationships?
Who's gonna stand up in therelationships and take that key
(11:32):
role to start the healingprocess, to say, you know what?
I've held some unrealisticexpectations on you, you know,
and there's something that'skeeping us divided, that's
keeping us separated.
Do you want to come together?
Do you want us to unite togetherand become one, become unified?
Do you know how many families?
(11:54):
How many families you know wouldwould heal, be made whole if
this was to happen?
Who's gonna stand up?
SPEAKER_00 (12:02):
Who's gonna stand up?
Who's gonna stand up?
My goodness.
Oh my goodness.
And so unrealistic expectations.
SPEAKER_02 (12:12):
Um, and what happens is most people um never
communicate or express, youknow, what I what I believed,
you know, or what I thought, orwhat I felt.
I didn't talk about.
Right.
Neither did I.
I I I acted upon it.
(12:33):
Right.
I acted upon what I thought.
Same thing.
Right.
I acted upon what my mind.
These emotions in here, I mean,they really affect the mind.
Yes.
There's a lot of mental illnessbecause of the emotion.
Yeah, the stirring on theinside, the agitation affects
the mind.
A lot of a lot of uh mentaldifficulty thinking through,
(12:53):
being effective incommunication.
It's not, it's it's it'simportant also.
I like Judge Judy.
I like Judge Judy.
Just Judy says, God gave you twoyears and one mouth for reason.
So you can listen more and speakless.
Right.
I have to learn that.
Be slow to speak, right?
(13:13):
Be slow to speak, communicate,but do we listen to one another?
Do we listen with to theunspoken?
Do we understand the unspoken?
Do we listen to what's not beingspoken?
Are we do we have a spirit ofdiscernment?
Are we sensing?
Do we do we have a word ofknowledge?
(13:34):
Do we have clarity?
Do we have revelation?
Are we, you know, operating withinsight to actually be able to
see what that emotion that thatthat's working through that
person is actually sayingwithout them saying it with
their own mouth?
Right.
Are we being sensitive to oneanother?
Are we being sensitive to oneanother?
You know, because it's it's somuch selfishness.
(13:56):
You know, people get so wrappedup and involved in how they
feel, in how, you know, thatperson made them feel.
And don't get me wrong, youknow, uh I that was once me.
You know, I had to get to aplace to where it's like, you
know what?
It's not all about me.
It's not all about me.
I had to start doing somelooking within.
(14:19):
You know, I had to heal.
There, there's a uh a worshipsong from a very uh popular uh
worship leader that I love,William McDowell.
Uh songs of uh song ofintercession.
And a part in that song says,the change that I want to see
must first begin in me.
(14:41):
I surrender.
I had to get to that place.
You know, I want to see changein the world, I want to see
change in my family, I want tosee change in my relationships,
but guess what?
I had to I had to change first.
You know what I'm saying?
If it's to be, it's up to me.
It's up to me.
If it's to be, it's up to me.
(15:01):
It's up to me.
I have those unrealisticexpectations, you know, with my
father, with so many.
And I had to get, you know, uhuh to a place of of uh just me
and the Lord and pouring myselfout to him, you know, releasing
those unrealistic expectations,you know, and and and and and I
(15:22):
had to just surrender myself toGod and and and receive his
healing so that I can grow up.
So that I can because realrealistically, realistically,
those unrealistic expectationsare coming from a place of
immaturity.
We have to grow up, we have togrow up and stop putting so much
(15:45):
pressure on imperfect humanbeings.
We will be disappointed everysingle time.
SPEAKER_00 (15:55):
Every time, every time.
My goodness.
And so uh what we deal with onthe inside, we lash out, right?
It's the force within us, and wewant it to stink.
We want it to stink, yeah.
Yeah, um, we want to hurt thatperson because uh how we feel,
(16:15):
right?
SPEAKER_02 (16:15):
Because we're hurt, right?
So that's why it's so important,people, to communicate.
Because communication, effectivecommunication, being assertive
helps to build thatrelationship.
Man, it helps to build thatrelationship, it helps to solve
the problem in the relationshipwhen we communicate.
(16:35):
There's a scripture, Proverbs19, 21.
It says, many are the plans inthe mind of a man, but it is the
purpose of the Lord that willstand.
Amen.
And so instead of me makingplans to, you know, I didn't
really know any better, I wasjust hurt.
(16:56):
Uh, my plan was to make it sing,my plan was to cause pain, my
plan was to fight back, my planwas to, you know, the get back
game.
Yeah, yeah, the get back game.
That was my plan, right?
I have many plans in my mind,but the purpose of the Lord is
what stands.
Amen.
And if we could put all of ourweight, if we can put all of our
(17:19):
trust, if we can put all of ourconfidence in the purpose, my
God.
So I was born, my my father wasmeant to be my father.
That was God's purpose.
Right.
His purpose, oh my goodness, mylord.
You said a mouthful right there.
Uh-huh.
(17:40):
Come on.
Yeah.
You said a mouthful.
Because that if more peoplewould realize that, right?
Our parents are not, they're notour parents by accident.
God intentionally positioned ourparents into our lives to be our
parents.
Our parents are not an accident.
The word accident doesn't evenexist within the kingdom of
(18:03):
heaven.
Our parents are intentionallyour parents.
If our parents have not, youknow, lived up to their duty, to
what God has entrusted them, youknow, to do as far as being our
parents, that's between them andGod.
We have to release our parentsand give them back over to the
(18:24):
Lord.
It doesn't give us the right todisrespect them, it does not
give us the right to do wrong bythem.
You know, they are imperfecthuman beings doing the best that
they know how to do.
We are to honor our parents.
And we, yes, me and my father,you know, our relationship is a
(18:45):
difficult, strain relationship,but you will never hear me
disrespect my father.
Why?
Because he is my father.
I love him, and all I can do isto continue to pray for him and
love him from a distance, but Iwill not disrespect him because
that's who God placed in my lifeto be my father.
(19:06):
Right, right, then if I haveknown then, right, my Lord, what
I know now.
If I could take back thebehavior, uh, the words, my
actions, those emotions that Iallowed to force themselves
through me, I would.
But I I'm so thankful for grace,I'm thankful for forgiveness.
(19:28):
You know, God, I released myfather and God released me.
Amen.
And I'm really grateful today ifyou are having uh relational
issues.
Are you struggling with yourparent?
Are you struggling with yourchild?
Are you struggling with asibling?
Are you struggling in yourmarriage?
Communicate.
Learn to be assertive, expresshow you feel without yelling,
(19:52):
without going off, withoutfighting, without throwing
blows.
Let God master, uh master yourrelationship.
He should be first and center inall relationships.
All relationships, anyway,should be a God perspective.
Amen.
Every relationship should be aGod perspective.
Your relationship with yourchildren should oh my God,
(20:13):
should be God perspective.
My God, relationship, allrelationships should be God
perspective.
Learn to communicate, ask God,pray, cry out to Him.
Do what's necessary to turn thesituation around in your
relationships so that God canbuild, restore, renew, redo.
(20:40):
Oh my God, what it is that He'splanned to do in your life.
You have anything else as weclose?
Yes, as we close, let it go.
Let it go, let it go, let it go.
You know, this is again what Ihad to do.
I had to let it go.
I had to let the unrealisticexpectations go.
I had to let all the ungodly,unhealthy emotions that those
(21:04):
unrealistic expectations birthedin me.
I had to let all that junk go.
I had to do it for me.
My healing became, I became sopassionate for my healing.
My healing began to meaneverything to me.
My peace began to mean more tome than holding on to those
(21:26):
ungodly emotions.
I had to stop playing the getback game.
I have to stop beingdisrespectful.
I have to stop, you know,pointing my fingers at everybody
else.
And I had to make a consciousdecision to get myself together
with the Lord, work out my ownsoul's salvation.
Let it go, people of God.
(21:48):
It's not worth it.
Let them go.
And yes, this is not going tobe, you know, uh something that
happens overnight.
You we we have to walk thisthing out, you know, because
let's face it, we are in thisimperfect world, this fallen
world dealing with imperfectpeople.
And guess what?
We're imperfect too.
(22:09):
So there's going to be thosechallenges.
There's going to be thosechallenges, but we have to learn
to let stuff go.
Stop holding on to the weight.
Let it go, let it go, let it go.
Love you too much to hold on tothe unrealistic expectations.
SPEAKER_00 (22:29):
That's it right there.
And as always, uh protect yourpeace.
SPEAKER_02 (22:36):
I prophesy peace to you, every ear listening uh to
this session, to this podcast.
I prophesy peace to you.
Peace be to you, peace be toyour house, and peace be to all
of you.
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