February 14, 2023 • 25 mins
In Episode 03 of the Systems of Transformation Podcast, we explore Part II of the Triad of Systems.
- Exploring Systems of Compensation
- Expressions of Systems of Compensation
- My Personal Systems of Compensation
- Intro to Systems of Transformation
Resource List:
- Definitions - Merriam Webster Dictionary
Let's heal generational and transform global !!!
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- Email: therealanuhernandez@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Anu Hernandez (00:00):
Wisdom is infused with empathy and smells like
love.
Hello, my amazing humans.
Welcome back to the Systems OfTransformation podcast.
Episode three.
Yay.
We are actually three episodesin that is so cool.
(00:21):
I have moments when I sit downand I'm like, am I really doing
this?
Yeah, we are.
And I don't want to stop.
Now that I've started, I don'twant to stop.
So welcome back to this podcast.
This is a podcast that isdedicated to discussing the
(00:41):
dynamics of generational healingand global transformation
through a trauma informed lensand a Christian perspective.
I am your host, Anu Hernandez,And it is such a joy to do this
today.
I don't know why I'm like allenergetic today.
And I didn't even drink thatmuch coffee.
So I wonder.
(01:02):
I am just happy to be here withall of you.
Today we are going to jump intothe second part of the'Triad of
Systems'.
Let's do a quick little recap ofEpisode 02.
So in episode two, we talkedabout what a system is and that
a system is a group of regularlyinteracting and interdependent
(01:24):
parts that together form awhole.
There is relationship and thereis a level of need that is
healthy.
We also talked about what aSystem of Origin is and just
that it is a place from whichsomething begins or gives rise
to something else.
And we also talked about thefact that every System of Origin
(01:47):
was once a System ofTransformation and that every
System of Transformationeventually becomes a System of
Origin.
I'm going to read something thatI wrote.
The success of a System ofOrigin doesn't lie in how much
of its beginnings it is able tomaintain but how much it is
willing to submit to the processof change over time.
(02:11):
Origins are rich with potentialto transform or to compensate.
The success of whether a Systemof Origin evolves into becoming
a System of Transformation orwhether it remains, or becomes a
System of Compensation reallylies in its willingness to go
(02:32):
through the process of change,of evolution.
Of submitting to, Maybe Istarted a certain way, but I
don't want to end that way andso what do I need to do to stay
healthy, stay transforming." Notstay transforming, that's like
an oxymoron.
In some way, shape or form aSystem of Origin is going to
(02:57):
morph.
And I'm going to say thatdepending on the choices that
system makes, we end up eitherbecoming a System of
Compensation or a System ofTransformation.
I'm going to define the wordcompensation.
To compensate for somethingmeans to counterbalance or to
(03:17):
neutralize.
In psychology, it is apsychological mechanism by which
feelings of inferiority,frustration or failure in one
field are counterbalanced byachievement in another.
A System of Compensation is thecollection of thoughts,
(03:37):
feelings, and beliefs.
It could also be behaviors,relationship patterns, and
habits that we develop toneutralize the pain that was
caused by the wounds of ourorigin or the trauma of our
bloodlines.
If we go back to our baselineof, we all have wounds of
(03:58):
origin, some of us have moresevere ones and some of us have
different expressions of thesame wound.
In every human being is atendency to develop these
Systems of Compensation thathelp neutralize the discomfort,
the dysregulation and thedysfunction caused by the pain
(04:19):
of the wounds that, we carrywithin us.
Think of compensation like animbalance in our bodies.
Let's say we have maybe a knee,that hurts a little bit.
And so to help balance that wemight end up putting a little
more pressure on our other kneeto help us walk.
(04:42):
Compensation is very similarwhen it comes to psychological
and relational dynamics.
Compensation is a reaction.
It is a reactionary behavior,belief, habit that we develop so
that we avoid feeling the effectof what the pains of our origin
(05:06):
have created in us.
I see this with a lot of peoplewho have traumatic histories
where because they lackedsomething in their past, they
overcompensate for it in thefuture.
People that have been raised inpoverty aspire to have as much
(05:30):
as they can in terms of monetarywealth later to secure
themselves.
People who may have had agenerational lineage of
illiteracy definitely seeeducation, which it is, I will
never downplay the value ofeducation.
But if there's any type of painand wounding that came from that
(05:52):
illiteracy.
Or exposure to trauma that isnot dealt with, then education
becomes the compensation forwhat they didn't have.
And at the end of the day, noamount of education can heal the
pain in your heart.
An intellectual achievementcannot heal an emotional wound.
(06:15):
There are different expressionsof compensation.
Some of them are very easily andvery obviously destructive.
They're so much easier toreject.
They're so much easier to avoidand also discriminate against.
Some of them are veryacceptable, very good
expressions that on the surface,they seem like you're doing just
(06:39):
fine, but in reality, it issomething that we have put in
place to numb ourselves.
Some of the very sociallyacceptable compensatory
behaviors that I see are;throwing yourself into service,
positions of leadership,becoming a workaholic and
(07:01):
grinding all the time.
Becoming overly invested inappearance, wealth, ministry.
A lot of this is what I havelearned through my own journey.
I have come to find in myjourney of transformation that
(07:22):
the danger is that the highestforms of evil are expressed not
as contradictions of good butthe imitations of it.
Let me say that one more time.
The danger is that the highestforms of evil are expressed, not
as contradictions of good, butthe imitation of it.
(07:43):
Think about that.
We talk a lot aboutcounterfeits.
And things that appear to begood, but aren't really good if
you look beneath the surface.
And I do believe that the deeperyou go into understanding
transformation, the more youwill recognize that.
(08:05):
It's so easy to see somebody whois very obviously struggling
with something destructive onthe surface, whether it is
alcoholism, drug addiction,self-harming, any other type of
very obviously destructivebehavior.
There's just so many differentthings that you can look at it
and you can say, oh, that'sdestructive.
(08:26):
That's evil.
I'm obviously not going to dothat.
We're coming to understand thateven good behavior.
And I say,"good" with quotationmarks, are also subject to the
same law of compensation.
They could be expressions ofsomething more traumatic and
(08:46):
something undealt with.
One of my favorite Christianartists Lecrae, I love his music
and I want to read you guys aline from one of his songs.
I remember when I listened tothe song for the first time,
this line stuck to me for solong.
(09:07):
It had such an impact on me,that I refer to it even today.
The line goes,"We talkin' aboutrunning the city, but most of us
running from home".
Man, that one line has put intocontext so much of my life, so
much of my compensation, so muchof how addictive these
(09:28):
expressions of compensation canbe.
I call myself a healingperfectionist.
Being perfect.
was a system of compensation forme to make sure that I never
make a mistake, which isimpossible as a human being.
But I lived under this pressurebecause I was trying to make
(09:49):
sure that I would not have tosuffer the pain or the
retraumatization of my wounds ofrejection from my origins.
Which brings me to this.
Most often the fuel ofcompensation is pain.
And I can attest to this becausethis was my life.
(10:10):
I ran on the fuel and the energythat my pain supplied me.
And the dangerous part of allof, that was a lot of the
behaviors that I chose as thegood Christian girl were things
that everyone applauded.
People even called thatresilience.
But I knew that I was justnumbing myself.
(10:33):
An even more dangerous step inthat process was, after a while
you convince yourself that thatis just the way it is.
That in fact, this behavior ofcompensation, this thought form
that I have of myself, the way Isee myself is the truth.
Obviously it was not healthy andit did not take me to good
(10:56):
places.
And the way I recognized it waswhen I started to engage in
addictive behaviors.
I was an emotional eater.
I was addicted to pornography.
I remember the first time I wasawakened to that truth that
while my destructive behaviorsor my compensatory behaviors
were not overtly destructive,they were covertly eating away
(11:21):
at who I was.
And they were just a temporaryrelief and never a permanent
solution.
And so I would just keep goingin this loop of starting to feel
the discomfort of the truth ofmy pain, and then running to
these things that helped mealleviate, numb that pain.
(11:42):
Which was so much shame,because, on the surface, I was a
Christian girl who was trying tofigure it out in this world.
At any time I expressed someexpression or form of my
dysfunction I was dismissed orlectured.
And so I hid these things And Ilearned these socially
(12:05):
acceptable forms of compensationthat in a way kept together my
reputation.
I knew my soul was crumblingbeneath the surface I knew that
I was in a lot of pain.
But I also didn't know how tochange that.
To peel back the layers of thathas taken me quite a while and
(12:31):
it is, cost me a lot of things.
I'm not saying all of this toscare you guys away from the
process of transforming.
But it's also not something thatI want to sugar coat.
Living in a system ofcompensation is going to cost
you something.
And in the same token, living asa system of transformation is
(12:54):
also going to cost yousomething.
But I would rather pay aninvestment than pay the price.
I remember well into myadulthood I had a moment with
God, where He sat me down andsaid"Anu, you need to stop using
your pain as the fuel for thingsthat you do and transform that
(13:18):
into the energy that comes frommy love." It took me a few years
to even understand what He saidand meant by that There was a
part of my heart that was sostubborn because I didn't know
any other way to be.
All my life I had used fear,anger, mistrust and pain to
really make me do the thingsthat I wanted to do and achieve
(13:41):
And it was this gentleconfrontation of this pattern
that I had evolved over life;that by appearing perfect, by
being the highest achiever, bybeing the leader, by being the
good girl and the example, bybeing the role model to
everybody around me, somehow Icould avoid the compensation
(14:03):
that I was partaking in And theLord sat me down another time,
and this just comes back to mymemory now and I remember Him
telling me,"I need you to feelevery ounce of anger that you
carry in your system because youare trying to out perform your
pain And that ain't gonna work.
(14:25):
So I'm giving you permission tofeel angry.
Now in that anger don't sin ortry not to sin, but I understand
that you're angry", and nobodyhad ever told me that nobody had
ever said"It's okay to beangry." it took me a lot of
misunderstanding from otherpeople because a lot of times
(14:46):
when I shared with people whatthe Lord had told me, I was met
with Well, let's just pray thisanger away" or Surely God cannot
endorse such a thing." It wasthrough that very very lonely
isolated but intimate time withGod that He showed me that I had
(15:07):
to walk through grief if ididn't want to live the rest of
my life in compensation.
I was terrified of the grievingprocess because it required me
to get in touch with parts of mypain and my trauma that, you
know, if I wanted to, I didn'thave to address, like I could
(15:29):
just pick one of these sociallyacceptable forms of
compensation.
and I could somehow get throughlife, but that's not abundant
life and that's not what Godwants us to have.
And so we have to shift fromthis fear and this avoidance of
experiencing the healingprocess, just because it is
(15:49):
painful at times in order toshift that gear into receiving
the supply of energy that comesfrom love.
Love from God, love forourselves and then love for
other people.
We cannot be healers in thisworld unless we invest in our
own healing journeys.
(16:10):
I'm probably going to say thatevery episode, so just get used
to hearing that.
Sure we can teach concepts andbe channels to some degree of
effectiveness, but it is limitedto the depth of healing that we
are willing to take withinourselves.
We ask people to make such hugeshifts in their identities and
(16:31):
belief systems without a trueunderstanding of how difficult
that process is.
And I can always tell whethersomebody has engaged in a
similar process of moving fromcompensation to transformation,
depending on how much empathythey have.
(16:51):
How gentle they are able to bewith another person.
It doesn't take much torecognize someone who is just
saying something from a place ofknowledge versus a person who is
really sharing from a place ofexperience.
Somebody was walked thatdifficult, but worthwhile
(17:13):
journey of transforming abehavior or a belief or
something that was fragmentingthem in an attempt to survive.
And moving into that place oftransformation and thriving.
Wisdom is infused with empathyand smells like love.
(17:37):
One thing I have learned aboutGod is that He is so gentle.
Because He understands that attimes we need coping mechanisms
to survive.
He knows the frailty of ourhuman frames.
He understands when we act out.
And through all of that, henever disconnects to teach us a
(18:02):
lesson.
Recently I have personallywalked through some type of.
Internal metamorphosis based onthe last three years of my life
and that is scary to me.
I had to face the fact that mydeepest fear was that God would
(18:23):
leave me should I evolve intothis person who I think I'm
becoming.
And I realized that.
I was putting pressure oncertain people to confirm to me
that some of the values andthings that I believed in the
past were still a part of me.
(18:44):
And that behavior ofcompensating for the discomfort
I felt in my evolution wasshowing up in relational
pressure that was unfair to thatother human being.
And as hard as it was for me toface that I can only testify to
(19:06):
the fact that moving throughthat compensatory behavior and
putting it in front of God andsaying, I'm doing this because
I'm afraid you're going to leaveme.
And hearing from Him a responsethat I never expected, but I'm
so familiar with, that He wasnever going to leave me or
(19:26):
forsake me and just because Ifelt myself change did not mean
that I had to walk away from Himor put pressure on human beings
to convince me that I was okay.
And that He was telling me thatI was okay.
Guys, I'm learning some of thesethings in real time with you.
(19:47):
And I had a moment where I feltthe switch, where I felt the
release and the freedom.
And I knew I had stepped out ofcompensation and into
transformation because I feltlight, I felt integrated and I
felt free.
I I still have moments of panicwhere I have to co-regulate with
(20:10):
God.
I've written things on my wallto speak to that transformation
because it is unfamiliar.
I've never believed some of thethings that I believe or had to
let go of some old beliefsystems that I've carried
through my entire life.
And that's hard, that'sunnerving.
It disturbs the equilibrium ofmy being.
(20:33):
It's scary to embrace this new,Anu that is evolving and coming
to be.
At the same time.
I know that if I carried thoseold things with me, I was just
compensating.
And not dealing with the factthat I'm different, I've
changed.
And this journey of life hasnudged me towards shedding some
(20:59):
of the old things that no longerrepresent who I am.
I am conscious of the dichotomythat exists within me and on
this path of learning to embraceand love and heal my own
fragmentation, I have discoveredthat there is hope.
In closing today's episode, Iwant to leave you with a sense
(21:21):
of hope.
I want you to know that nomatter what System of
Compensation you find yourselfin, you can find transformation,
you can make that change.
We are going to really dig intosome of that in the next
episode.
(21:42):
Really look at whattransformation means, what it
leads to and also what it costs,because again, I'm not going to
sell you a false promise.
I want this to be as authenticof a podcast as possible.
Compensation fragments, buttransformation integrates.
(22:05):
While transformation costs ussomething, it is such a
beautiful investment and it isso worth it.
Because of the process oftransformation that I have
submitted myself to, I haveconquered things that I never
thought I would be able to.
(22:25):
I have become a woman that Ialways dreamed of becoming, but
never thought I could everbecome.
And to live in the reality ofovercoming some of those
compensations that I had in myearlier life and savor the
freedom that comes through thatprocess is so rewarding, that it
(22:48):
is that personal testimony thatI have that fuels the things
that I do today and why I amchoosing to share with you what
I fondly call the blessing ofboth.
Remember that your life has apurpose.
And in finding that purpose, youare going to experience the
(23:11):
greatest freedom of yourexistence in this world.
And I want to leave you guyswith this thought today.
Enjoy who you are in thismoment, so that we can celebrate
who you will become in thefuture.
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
By virtue of being human, youare splendidly flawed and
(23:35):
wonderfully called.
Let me say that again.
You are not alone.
And you were not crazy.
By virtue of being human, youare splendidly flawed.
And wonderfully called.
Thank you for journeying with methrough Episode 03.
Thank you for taking the time,investing your heart and being
(23:58):
willing to hear what I have toshare.
I appreciate you so much.
I value you.
And I hope that you find valuein our time together as well.
Share this podcast with somebodyif you think that it will
benefit them.
I really do appreciate theshares and I am very grateful to
(24:21):
see the number of people thathave invested in this podcast
already.
Thank you so much once again.
Reach out to me.
I'm on social media.
You can email me.
You can find me on Instagram attherealanuhernandez.
On Facebook at Anu Hernandez.
Or email me.
(24:43):
My email address is,therealanuhernandez@gmail.com.
Have the most amazing two weeks.
I am looking forward to doingthis again.
And until then remember to healgenerational and transform
global.
Bye.
Wisdom is infused with empathy and smells like
love.
Hello, my amazing humans.
Welcome back to the Systems OfTransformation podcast.
Episode three.
Yay.
We are actually three episodesin that is so cool.
(00:21):
I have moments when I sit downand I'm like, am I really doing
this?
Yeah, we are.
And I don't want to stop.
Now that I've started, I don'twant to stop.
So welcome back to this podcast.
This is a podcast that isdedicated to discussing the
(00:41):
dynamics of generational healingand global transformation
through a trauma informed lensand a Christian perspective.
I am your host, Anu Hernandez,And it is such a joy to do this
today.
I don't know why I'm like allenergetic today.
And I didn't even drink thatmuch coffee.
So I wonder.
(01:02):
I am just happy to be here withall of you.
Today we are going to jump intothe second part of the'Triad of
Systems'.
Let's do a quick little recap ofEpisode 02.
So in episode two, we talkedabout what a system is and that
a system is a group of regularlyinteracting and interdependent
(01:24):
parts that together form awhole.
There is relationship and thereis a level of need that is
healthy.
We also talked about what aSystem of Origin is and just
that it is a place from whichsomething begins or gives rise
to something else.
And we also talked about thefact that every System of Origin
(01:47):
was once a System ofTransformation and that every
System of Transformationeventually becomes a System of
Origin.
I'm going to read something thatI wrote.
The success of a System ofOrigin doesn't lie in how much
of its beginnings it is able tomaintain but how much it is
willing to submit to the processof change over time.
(02:11):
Origins are rich with potentialto transform or to compensate.
The success of whether a Systemof Origin evolves into becoming
a System of Transformation orwhether it remains, or becomes a
System of Compensation reallylies in its willingness to go
(02:32):
through the process of change,of evolution.
Of submitting to, Maybe Istarted a certain way, but I
don't want to end that way andso what do I need to do to stay
healthy, stay transforming." Notstay transforming, that's like
an oxymoron.
In some way, shape or form aSystem of Origin is going to
(02:57):
morph.
And I'm going to say thatdepending on the choices that
system makes, we end up eitherbecoming a System of
Compensation or a System ofTransformation.
I'm going to define the wordcompensation.
To compensate for somethingmeans to counterbalance or to
(03:17):
neutralize.
In psychology, it is apsychological mechanism by which
feelings of inferiority,frustration or failure in one
field are counterbalanced byachievement in another.
A System of Compensation is thecollection of thoughts,
(03:37):
feelings, and beliefs.
It could also be behaviors,relationship patterns, and
habits that we develop toneutralize the pain that was
caused by the wounds of ourorigin or the trauma of our
bloodlines.
If we go back to our baselineof, we all have wounds of
(03:58):
origin, some of us have moresevere ones and some of us have
different expressions of thesame wound.
In every human being is atendency to develop these
Systems of Compensation thathelp neutralize the discomfort,
the dysregulation and thedysfunction caused by the pain
(04:19):
of the wounds that, we carrywithin us.
Think of compensation like animbalance in our bodies.
Let's say we have maybe a knee,that hurts a little bit.
And so to help balance that wemight end up putting a little
more pressure on our other kneeto help us walk.
(04:42):
Compensation is very similarwhen it comes to psychological
and relational dynamics.
Compensation is a reaction.
It is a reactionary behavior,belief, habit that we develop so
that we avoid feeling the effectof what the pains of our origin
(05:06):
have created in us.
I see this with a lot of peoplewho have traumatic histories
where because they lackedsomething in their past, they
overcompensate for it in thefuture.
People that have been raised inpoverty aspire to have as much
(05:30):
as they can in terms of monetarywealth later to secure
themselves.
People who may have had agenerational lineage of
illiteracy definitely seeeducation, which it is, I will
never downplay the value ofeducation.
But if there's any type of painand wounding that came from that
(05:52):
illiteracy.
Or exposure to trauma that isnot dealt with, then education
becomes the compensation forwhat they didn't have.
And at the end of the day, noamount of education can heal the
pain in your heart.
An intellectual achievementcannot heal an emotional wound.
(06:15):
There are different expressionsof compensation.
Some of them are very easily andvery obviously destructive.
They're so much easier toreject.
They're so much easier to avoidand also discriminate against.
Some of them are veryacceptable, very good
expressions that on the surface,they seem like you're doing just
(06:39):
fine, but in reality, it issomething that we have put in
place to numb ourselves.
Some of the very sociallyacceptable compensatory
behaviors that I see are;throwing yourself into service,
positions of leadership,becoming a workaholic and
(07:01):
grinding all the time.
Becoming overly invested inappearance, wealth, ministry.
A lot of this is what I havelearned through my own journey.
I have come to find in myjourney of transformation that
(07:22):
the danger is that the highestforms of evil are expressed not
as contradictions of good butthe imitations of it.
Let me say that one more time.
The danger is that the highestforms of evil are expressed, not
as contradictions of good, butthe imitation of it.
(07:43):
Think about that.
We talk a lot aboutcounterfeits.
And things that appear to begood, but aren't really good if
you look beneath the surface.
And I do believe that the deeperyou go into understanding
transformation, the more youwill recognize that.
(08:05):
It's so easy to see somebody whois very obviously struggling
with something destructive onthe surface, whether it is
alcoholism, drug addiction,self-harming, any other type of
very obviously destructivebehavior.
There's just so many differentthings that you can look at it
and you can say, oh, that'sdestructive.
(08:26):
That's evil.
I'm obviously not going to dothat.
We're coming to understand thateven good behavior.
And I say,"good" with quotationmarks, are also subject to the
same law of compensation.
They could be expressions ofsomething more traumatic and
(08:46):
something undealt with.
One of my favorite Christianartists Lecrae, I love his music
and I want to read you guys aline from one of his songs.
I remember when I listened tothe song for the first time,
this line stuck to me for solong.
(09:07):
It had such an impact on me,that I refer to it even today.
The line goes,"We talkin' aboutrunning the city, but most of us
running from home".
Man, that one line has put intocontext so much of my life, so
much of my compensation, so muchof how addictive these
(09:28):
expressions of compensation canbe.
I call myself a healingperfectionist.
Being perfect.
was a system of compensation forme to make sure that I never
make a mistake, which isimpossible as a human being.
But I lived under this pressurebecause I was trying to make
(09:49):
sure that I would not have tosuffer the pain or the
retraumatization of my wounds ofrejection from my origins.
Which brings me to this.
Most often the fuel ofcompensation is pain.
And I can attest to this becausethis was my life.
(10:10):
I ran on the fuel and the energythat my pain supplied me.
And the dangerous part of allof, that was a lot of the
behaviors that I chose as thegood Christian girl were things
that everyone applauded.
People even called thatresilience.
But I knew that I was justnumbing myself.
(10:33):
An even more dangerous step inthat process was, after a while
you convince yourself that thatis just the way it is.
That in fact, this behavior ofcompensation, this thought form
that I have of myself, the way Isee myself is the truth.
Obviously it was not healthy andit did not take me to good
(10:56):
places.
And the way I recognized it waswhen I started to engage in
addictive behaviors.
I was an emotional eater.
I was addicted to pornography.
I remember the first time I wasawakened to that truth that
while my destructive behaviorsor my compensatory behaviors
were not overtly destructive,they were covertly eating away
(11:21):
at who I was.
And they were just a temporaryrelief and never a permanent
solution.
And so I would just keep goingin this loop of starting to feel
the discomfort of the truth ofmy pain, and then running to
these things that helped mealleviate, numb that pain.
(11:42):
Which was so much shame,because, on the surface, I was a
Christian girl who was trying tofigure it out in this world.
At any time I expressed someexpression or form of my
dysfunction I was dismissed orlectured.
And so I hid these things And Ilearned these socially
(12:05):
acceptable forms of compensationthat in a way kept together my
reputation.
I knew my soul was crumblingbeneath the surface I knew that
I was in a lot of pain.
But I also didn't know how tochange that.
To peel back the layers of thathas taken me quite a while and
(12:31):
it is, cost me a lot of things.
I'm not saying all of this toscare you guys away from the
process of transforming.
But it's also not something thatI want to sugar coat.
Living in a system ofcompensation is going to cost
you something.
And in the same token, living asa system of transformation is
(12:54):
also going to cost yousomething.
But I would rather pay aninvestment than pay the price.
I remember well into myadulthood I had a moment with
God, where He sat me down andsaid"Anu, you need to stop using
your pain as the fuel for thingsthat you do and transform that
(13:18):
into the energy that comes frommy love." It took me a few years
to even understand what He saidand meant by that There was a
part of my heart that was sostubborn because I didn't know
any other way to be.
All my life I had used fear,anger, mistrust and pain to
really make me do the thingsthat I wanted to do and achieve
(13:41):
And it was this gentleconfrontation of this pattern
that I had evolved over life;that by appearing perfect, by
being the highest achiever, bybeing the leader, by being the
good girl and the example, bybeing the role model to
everybody around me, somehow Icould avoid the compensation
(14:03):
that I was partaking in And theLord sat me down another time,
and this just comes back to mymemory now and I remember Him
telling me,"I need you to feelevery ounce of anger that you
carry in your system because youare trying to out perform your
pain And that ain't gonna work.
(14:25):
So I'm giving you permission tofeel angry.
Now in that anger don't sin ortry not to sin, but I understand
that you're angry", and nobodyhad ever told me that nobody had
ever said"It's okay to beangry." it took me a lot of
misunderstanding from otherpeople because a lot of times
(14:46):
when I shared with people whatthe Lord had told me, I was met
with Well, let's just pray thisanger away" or Surely God cannot
endorse such a thing." It wasthrough that very very lonely
isolated but intimate time withGod that He showed me that I had
(15:07):
to walk through grief if ididn't want to live the rest of
my life in compensation.
I was terrified of the grievingprocess because it required me
to get in touch with parts of mypain and my trauma that, you
know, if I wanted to, I didn'thave to address, like I could
(15:29):
just pick one of these sociallyacceptable forms of
compensation.
and I could somehow get throughlife, but that's not abundant
life and that's not what Godwants us to have.
And so we have to shift fromthis fear and this avoidance of
experiencing the healingprocess, just because it is
(15:49):
painful at times in order toshift that gear into receiving
the supply of energy that comesfrom love.
Love from God, love forourselves and then love for
other people.
We cannot be healers in thisworld unless we invest in our
own healing journeys.
(16:10):
I'm probably going to say thatevery episode, so just get used
to hearing that.
Sure we can teach concepts andbe channels to some degree of
effectiveness, but it is limitedto the depth of healing that we
are willing to take withinourselves.
We ask people to make such hugeshifts in their identities and
(16:31):
belief systems without a trueunderstanding of how difficult
that process is.
And I can always tell whethersomebody has engaged in a
similar process of moving fromcompensation to transformation,
depending on how much empathythey have.
(16:51):
How gentle they are able to bewith another person.
It doesn't take much torecognize someone who is just
saying something from a place ofknowledge versus a person who is
really sharing from a place ofexperience.
Somebody was walked thatdifficult, but worthwhile
(17:13):
journey of transforming abehavior or a belief or
something that was fragmentingthem in an attempt to survive.
And moving into that place oftransformation and thriving.
Wisdom is infused with empathyand smells like love.
(17:37):
One thing I have learned aboutGod is that He is so gentle.
Because He understands that attimes we need coping mechanisms
to survive.
He knows the frailty of ourhuman frames.
He understands when we act out.
And through all of that, henever disconnects to teach us a
(18:02):
lesson.
Recently I have personallywalked through some type of.
Internal metamorphosis based onthe last three years of my life
and that is scary to me.
I had to face the fact that mydeepest fear was that God would
(18:23):
leave me should I evolve intothis person who I think I'm
becoming.
And I realized that.
I was putting pressure oncertain people to confirm to me
that some of the values andthings that I believed in the
past were still a part of me.
(18:44):
And that behavior ofcompensating for the discomfort
I felt in my evolution wasshowing up in relational
pressure that was unfair to thatother human being.
And as hard as it was for me toface that I can only testify to
(19:06):
the fact that moving throughthat compensatory behavior and
putting it in front of God andsaying, I'm doing this because
I'm afraid you're going to leaveme.
And hearing from Him a responsethat I never expected, but I'm
so familiar with, that He wasnever going to leave me or
(19:26):
forsake me and just because Ifelt myself change did not mean
that I had to walk away from Himor put pressure on human beings
to convince me that I was okay.
And that He was telling me thatI was okay.
Guys, I'm learning some of thesethings in real time with you.
(19:47):
And I had a moment where I feltthe switch, where I felt the
release and the freedom.
And I knew I had stepped out ofcompensation and into
transformation because I feltlight, I felt integrated and I
felt free.
I I still have moments of panicwhere I have to co-regulate with
(20:10):
God.
I've written things on my wallto speak to that transformation
because it is unfamiliar.
I've never believed some of thethings that I believe or had to
let go of some old beliefsystems that I've carried
through my entire life.
And that's hard, that'sunnerving.
It disturbs the equilibrium ofmy being.
(20:33):
It's scary to embrace this new,Anu that is evolving and coming
to be.
At the same time.
I know that if I carried thoseold things with me, I was just
compensating.
And not dealing with the factthat I'm different, I've
changed.
And this journey of life hasnudged me towards shedding some
(20:59):
of the old things that no longerrepresent who I am.
I am conscious of the dichotomythat exists within me and on
this path of learning to embraceand love and heal my own
fragmentation, I have discoveredthat there is hope.
In closing today's episode, Iwant to leave you with a sense
(21:21):
of hope.
I want you to know that nomatter what System of
Compensation you find yourselfin, you can find transformation,
you can make that change.
We are going to really dig intosome of that in the next
episode.
(21:42):
Really look at whattransformation means, what it
leads to and also what it costs,because again, I'm not going to
sell you a false promise.
I want this to be as authenticof a podcast as possible.
Compensation fragments, buttransformation integrates.
(22:05):
While transformation costs ussomething, it is such a
beautiful investment and it isso worth it.
Because of the process oftransformation that I have
submitted myself to, I haveconquered things that I never
thought I would be able to.
(22:25):
I have become a woman that Ialways dreamed of becoming, but
never thought I could everbecome.
And to live in the reality ofovercoming some of those
compensations that I had in myearlier life and savor the
freedom that comes through thatprocess is so rewarding, that it
(22:48):
is that personal testimony thatI have that fuels the things
that I do today and why I amchoosing to share with you what
I fondly call the blessing ofboth.
Remember that your life has apurpose.
And in finding that purpose, youare going to experience the
(23:11):
greatest freedom of yourexistence in this world.
And I want to leave you guyswith this thought today.
Enjoy who you are in thismoment, so that we can celebrate
who you will become in thefuture.
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
By virtue of being human, youare splendidly flawed and
(23:35):
wonderfully called.
Let me say that again.
You are not alone.
And you were not crazy.
By virtue of being human, youare splendidly flawed.
And wonderfully called.
Thank you for journeying with methrough Episode 03.
Thank you for taking the time,investing your heart and being
(23:58):
willing to hear what I have toshare.
I appreciate you so much.
I value you.
And I hope that you find valuein our time together as well.
Share this podcast with somebodyif you think that it will
benefit them.
I really do appreciate theshares and I am very grateful to
(24:21):
see the number of people thathave invested in this podcast
already.
Thank you so much once again.
Reach out to me.
I'm on social media.
You can email me.
You can find me on Instagram attherealanuhernandez.
On Facebook at Anu Hernandez.
Or email me.
(24:43):
My email address is,therealanuhernandez@gmail.com.
Have the most amazing two weeks.
I am looking forward to doingthis again.
And until then remember to healgenerational and transform
global.
Bye.
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