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Are your conversations steering you toward conflict instead of connection? Discover how small tweaks in your communication habits can lead to healthier, more productive interactions. In this episode of the Taiwanica Podcast, Eric unpacks key strategies to enhance your communication skills, starting with the pivotal role of clear conversational goals. Learn to recognize and manage emotional triggers that often derail discussions, keeping your interactions focused and positive.
He also tackles the insidious habit of blaming and its destructive impact on relationships. Eric dives into practical techniques like cognitive restructuring and expressing genuine concern to replace blame with understanding. We can foster more open and honest dialogues by shifting our focus from accusation to empathy. Tune in for actionable advice and transformative insights that promise to make your conversations not only more effective but also more meaningful.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is episode 87, talking about three common
mistakes during communicationand how to fix them.
Welcome back everybody.
This is Eric, one of your hostshere at Taiwanica Podcast,
proud to be back to give yousome great new information that
(00:21):
we have collected and want toshare.
The last few episodes, you'vehad the pleasure of listening to
the darling Anita, but todayyou get to listen to, I guess,
my wonderful voice, so hopefullyyou're excited to listen and
strap yourself in for anothervery informative episode.
(00:42):
Today, we're going to betalking about the things that
usually happen whencommunication goes wrong, and
the things that we're going tobe looking at are not
necessarily things that are bad.
It's more about how do werecognize that they're happening
and having a simple awarenessthat, when they are happening,
(01:06):
we're not being judgmentaltowards ourselves.
Instead, we are capable ofchoosing a different option
instead of continuing the habitthat we are creating when we do
these things or when the otherperson is doing it inside of the
conversation.
Now, before we dive intoanything, I want to make sure
(01:26):
that we have something veryclear about what communication
is.
Let's look at the wordCommunication.
If you look at the word, itreally means two people talking
together.
Okay, it's not one persontalking to another person or one
person simply listening toanother person talking.
(01:47):
No, communication is about openconversation together about any
topic that is involved.
So, when we are looking attoday's mistakes, we're going to
notice that a lot of them arerelated to the things I just
mentioned Usually one persontrying to overpower the other
(02:08):
during a conversation.
Okay, well, the good news is isthat all of us have had these
experiences.
Why is this a good thing?
That means you're not alone,and you shouldn't feel guilty or
feel shameful that you've donethis before, because, more than
likely, you are also a personwho's experienced this, either
doing it or having someone do itto you.
(02:31):
Now we're going to dive intoeach of them, and while I teach
you which each one, we're goingto also look at some techniques
afterwards about how we canresolve these in such a way that
it's going to be informativeand healthy for your
relationship, so you can notonly stop this habit and also
(02:56):
change it into a new, better one.
Okay, so we're going to startwith number one.
So we're going to start withnumber one.
Number one is going to be theone that I think is the
strangest, that you probablywouldn't think of, and we'll go
on to more obvious onesafterwards.
So the first one is looking ata conversation and communicating
(03:21):
about things without cleargoals and communicating about
things without clear goals,without clear goals.
So sometimes when you're boredor when you're don't have
anything to do but you'rehanging out with somebody or
you're with your spouse or yourboyfriend, girlfriend or maybe
even your best friend, you kindof just want to have a talk.
(03:41):
But when you're just talkingabout nothing, this can be
healthy and it can build yourrelationship.
But if you're in a mood or anemotional state that's not
necessarily good, then somenegativities are bound to happen
(04:02):
.
It's just something that'snatural.
If you're not feeling good,you're going to start talking
about not good things.
It seems to be that order.
So the goal that we want toachieve here is to simply
understand.
Well, when I have aconversation with somebody, what
is the intention?
Am I talking to this personbecause I want them to help me
(04:24):
with something?
Am I talking to this personbecause I have some news I want
to share with them?
You know, having a clear ideaof what you want to say before
you even enter the conversationwith somebody really helps keep
the conversation andcommunication healthy and
(04:44):
positive.
So by simply understanding,before you enter the
conversation, why am I talkingto this person.
So, in other words, start withyour why.
Then this will be able to helpyou connect with them smoother,
without any of these abruptemotions getting in the way.
And you know, emotions are fineDuring a conversation, no
(05:07):
matter what you're going to feelemotions.
We're human, we feel emotions.
It's just part of theexperience.
But sometimes people will getemotional.
In other words, their wholeentire system is being run by a
certain emotion, let it be, forexample, anger, fear, sadness,
(05:32):
one of these or any other.
And when this happens, insteadof actually focusing on
achieving the goal of theconversation, it kind of gets
steered off in the wrongdirection because of that
emotion being felt.
So if we give anger as anexample, you're at first in the
conversation feeling fine, butall of a sudden you're feeling
(05:55):
angry and then you get in afight.
So this is just an easy way toreally notice that if we're in
this kind of rhythm of knowingwhere we want to go, having the
goal in sight the entire time,then chances are we will not be
overrun by this trigger, whichis actually one of the next big
(06:18):
things that we're going to talkabout is how to recognize your
triggers.
About is how to recognize yourtriggers, and so this is the
antidote, or the clearing andhealing that we want to focus on
here, for going with goalsinside of a conversation.
So, when you have a clear goalbut you're still feeling a
(06:40):
trigger pop up, so let's say,for example, a trigger pop up.
So let's say, for example, I'mtalking to Anita about our plans
for the weekend and she wantsto go see a movie, for example,
and she says a word about themovie that triggers me to feel
angry, such as oh, I don't wantto see white people in a movie.
(07:03):
Okay, so hearing the word whitepeople because you know I
identify as a white person thatmight trigger me to feel anger.
Okay, so the response thatcould possibly happen in that
situation would be I start toyou know, would be I start to
(07:28):
you know respond in a reactionof anger to her.
Instead of talking about themovie, I start saying why would
you say something like that?
That's a horrible thing to say.
You know, going down thisconversation that's unrelated to
the movie itself, of course,talking about this conversation
of like why did she say whitepeople and all of these things
is a very important thing totalk about.
(07:51):
But there's a right time and aright place to have certain
conversations and to do it inthe middle of a conversation
that you're already having, suchas, you know, the movie that
you're talking about, and thegoal here is to find out what
movie you want to watch together.
Talking about this issue thatpopped up is when it comes up
(08:16):
will automatically put you in anemotional state.
So, to avoid putting yourselfin that kind of situation,
simply noticing in your body oh,I am aware that I'm feeling
this anger inside me when Anitasaid the words white people what
(08:41):
did I just do here?
I simply acknowledged or statedto myself in my mind the things
that were happening.
Okay, I'll say it again to makeit extra clear oh, I am
noticing that I'm feeling angrywhen Anita says white people.
(09:01):
So when you do this kind ofreconciliation and
acknowledgement, what willhappen is you're actually
telling the body that you areaware why you're feeling that
emotion, body, that you areaware why you're feeling that
emotion.
And by telling the body, hey, Isee you, I notice what you're
(09:33):
saying, I get you it willautomatically start to calm down
, because the most emotions,what they want is simply to be
acknowledged or felt.
So we have this power of beingable to focus on the emotion and
when we do that by you know,with our thoughts, or actually
you know feeling the feelings itwill help the body to calm down
, and then, when you're feelingcalm and you're able to continue
(09:56):
the conversation, that'shappening.
Our example here is the movie.
You can complete the goal.
Okay, we're going to go seethis action movie on saturday at
6 pm.
Okay, when the conversation'sover and you're feeling calm,
you can bring up the other thingthat happened.
Hey, anita, when we weretalking about the movie, you
said something about whitepeople and I want you to know.
(10:18):
That made me feel angry and Iwant to talk to you about it
more.
Notice here that my approach tothe conversation is not in an
angry state.
Instead, I'm very calm andrelaxed, and this is what we
want to achieve in allconversations, because if we
have an emotionally triggeredconversation, the chances of it
(10:41):
being a successful and healthyone are very low.
On the other hand, if you'refeeling very you know calm and
relaxed, then the chances arethat you're able to focus on
this conversation objectivelyinstead of subjectively, are
much higher.
So this is one of the greatthings that you can do about
(11:02):
having clear goals with yourconversation and also avoiding
things like triggers.
Okay, so that was number one.
We're going to go into numbertwo, and this one is more
obvious, but not as obvious asnumber three, so definitely stay
tuned until the end.
(11:22):
Number two is talking aboutblaming.
Okay, pointing fingers atpeople or scolding people or,
you know, creating separationbecause someone is not acting
based on your expectations.
So let's make a clear examplehere so that we understand why
(11:46):
is blaming a really big mistakein communication?
So, like we said at the verybeginning, communication is a
two-way.
Okay, we are doing somethingwith someone.
We're not doing this to someoneor at someone, and this thing
that we're talking about iscommunication talking.
(12:08):
So if we're having thisconversation, and I am trying to
make sure that I'm not going toblame this person, I have to
make sure I'm not saying thingslike oh, why are you saying that
?
Or oh, you know you shouldn'tbe saying this thing, that's not
okay.
Or oh, here we go again.
(12:30):
You're going to say that thing.
Oh, oh, I know, I knew you weregoing to say that you always
say that in this kind ofconversation.
Or why aren't you talking?
You know, why are you being soquiet?
All of these reactions areblaming.
(13:02):
You know this expectation thatthe person that should act in a
certain way to achieve the goalis in your mind your thought
about trying to control anotherperson and how they should act
in front of you.
So in other words, you'retrying to not only be the
controller of your own thoughts,but you want to put yourself
into somebody's brain and takecontrol of their system and have
them talk in a way that makesyou happy.
So that's kind of insane, don'tyou think it's a little bit
(13:26):
crazy to think that we would dothat?
And of course we're notconsciously doing this.
But in the end blaming is kindof that goal.
We're trying to have them actin a way that satisfies our
needs.
So if we're trying to controlthem and not let them be who
they truly are, then we are, inother words, trying to be the
(13:48):
ruler of this conversation.
So we want to try to avoidblame.
Blame has no power except forsabotage or destruction, and
that can be very powerful if youwant to ruin a relationship.
But of course, here.
Healthy communication is thegoal of this podcast, not
(14:09):
destroying relationships.
So, when we look at thisclosely, what are we going to do
instead to help us, try to helpimprove the relationship with
not blaming?
Well, one thing that we can dois do what's called cognitive
restructuring.
Cognitive restructuring issimply saying, oh, we want to
(14:33):
look at the challenge that weare having right now in our
conversation.
That could be person A is beingvery open in their communication
, but, on the other hand, personB is very closed off.
They're not communicating atall, and this can cause the
challenge of actually movingforward with trying to create a
(14:56):
solution.
Maybe person B is justnaturally more closed.
They don't like to share theirfeelings or try to express
themselves, for whatever reason.
Maybe that's how they grew upor in their relationship that
they're in.
They feel hurt or they feellike if they do express
themselves, they're not going tobe understood.
(15:17):
There are going to be a lot ofreasons why the person's this
way, but to use them as anexample today, what we like to
say is, if we could have personB be aware that this is
happening, that if they'regetting stuck in this pattern,
we want to help them understandthat we're not going to blame
(15:39):
them for who they are.
Instead, we ask them what'sgoing on, and it might not be a
part of the actual conversationthat you're having at that
moment.
So this is the key word hereconcern.
Then you will open the door tohave them start doing this
(16:03):
cognitive restructuring.
So let's make a very clearexample.
I have a client and for privacypurposes I won't say their real
name, so I'm going to say Mary.
Mary is in a relationship withher boyfriend and she has been
struggling recently, and it'sbecause her boyfriend has been
(16:27):
very closed off and not openabout communication, even though
Mary is very expressive withher emotions and very easy to
understand.
So she found it very difficultto communicate with her
boyfriend and they have beenfighting on and off for the last
couple of weeks.
And she approached me not toolong ago saying well, I feel
(16:51):
like he's not making any effort.
I'm doing everything.
He's closed off, I don't feellike we're connecting at all and
I'm trying to offer himopportunities to be with me, but
whenever we're together he'smad.
And so Mary, in this situation,is in a closed off relationship
.
It's not a permanent situation,but that is the current
(17:15):
condition that her relationshiphas become.
So what does Mary want to do?
Instead of focusing on theblame here, we want to focus on
the concern.
So how could she do this?
Well, mary could simply saywell, boyfriend, I'm really
worried that if we keep ontalking this way, where I'm
(17:39):
expressing myself clearly andyou're not, then we're not going
to be able to move forward inthis relationship.
Or I'm noticing, boyfriend,that you're having a hard time
expressing yourself to me, is ittrue?
Or, boyfriend, I really careabout you and this relationship,
but if things keep going onlike this, I don't know if we
(18:03):
can continue the relationship.
All this is through theexpression of concern, not blame
, because, even though it soundsvery similar to blame, the
difference is that there'scoming with an open heart and an
open mind, that the boyfriendwill have the opportunity to
(18:24):
actually express what ishappening.
If he takes it so with blame,when we're doing this kind of
communication, it's an attackand defense scenario.
It's an attack and defensescenario.
(18:44):
You're not doing this, you'renot doing that, you're not this.
All this you're not is blame,but embracing concern is showing
.
I'm noticing this, I'm noticingthat.
I can see this.
Is it true?
Is it not?
Tell me.
Opening it to this kind ofexpression not only shows that
(19:05):
you want to be an open ear, agood listener to the other
person, but you're also givingthem just the chance to really
express themselves.
So that's why trying to changethe framework of how these
patterns happen from blame toconcern will give you
(19:27):
opportunities to have bettercommunication.
Okay, so that leads us to ourfinal and most obvious situation
that happens in a lot ofrelationships, and especially
communication, and that issimply not listening.
Yeah, you heard it notlistening.
(19:47):
This one is a verystraightforward one, because
many people like to expressthemselves, they want to be
heard, and everyone has theirstory and they have their point
of view, and everyone wants tobe recognized for that point of
view, because it gives them asense of being, gives them a
(20:08):
sense of value, that they aretruly there, and you, being the
listener, when you're actuallypaying attention to their words,
that gives them theencouragement that they are
actually being understood.
So the problem is, though, infighting and intense
(20:30):
communication situations,especially in things like
meetings, when someone is tryingto express themselves and they
are interrupted immediately.
For example, if I'm talkingabout the success of our
business recently and saying youknow?
Oh, the last three months wehave seen an increase of and
(20:53):
then the other person tells thenumber oh, you know, 20% of that
market price right there.
Yes, we all know that.
So this kind of way ofcommunicating with each other is
someone predicting the outcomeof a communication?
Okay, predicting the outcome.
(21:15):
Why is this not a good thing?
Well know, yes, it's okay thatwe all have the ability to
predict the future a little bit.
But when you create conclusionslike this because that's what
it is, you're creating aconclusion for a conversation
that hasn't been completed yet.
(21:35):
There's an issue.
You're not allowing any newopportunities or clear results
that might be different fromwhat you think to occur.
You're allowing just what youthink to be real to be the only
option, when, in reality, theoptions of what could be said
(21:56):
are endless.
They're limitless, and sopredicting what another person
will say, even if you are reallycertain what they're going to
say, and interrupting them intheir flow of communication is
never a good idea.
It just shows one you're notshowing yourself clearly to be
(22:17):
there for somebody.
And the second one is we'regoing to have that person
believe that they are unworthyto communicate them with
themselves or, sorry,communicate their ideas.
And so what can we do instead ofinterrupting people and allow
them to continue theirconversation?
(22:38):
Well, one thing is learning thepower of listening.
So what is behind the power oflistening?
Well, there's a lot, but fortoday's conversation, we're only
going to focus on two things.
One is that you're presentingyourself in such a way that
you're present for that person,and being present for that
(23:03):
person automatically shows thatyou care.
So, by listening to what theysay and responding in a way
that's unique and genuine andauthentic will help them realize
yeah, it's very easy to havehealthy communication with you.
Then, if you're having atrouble, let's just say that
(23:26):
you're in a conversation and youdo feel like you know what's
going to happen, but you reallydon't want to keep on listening
to what they're saying becauseit's starting to give you some
stress, or maybe even some agonyof some kind, or maybe even
some agony of some kind, maybeeven some suffering.
Then what we would like to dois still not interrupt or walk
(23:46):
away from the conversation,because that will escalate
things even more.
So a way to keep yourself calmand stable during a conversation
like that and let them continue, their share of the
communication is simply be awareof your breathing.
One of the easiest things thatyou can do is do deep breathings
(24:07):
.
An easy technique that I liketo share, and I'll share with
you now, is doing an inhalationthat's long and an exhalation
that's longer.
My favorite go-to in terms ofnumbers is something that's easy
to remember.
So I always tell people try tojust remember 7-11, just like
(24:28):
the convenience store.
So you would do 7 seconds inand 11 seconds out.
So let's go ahead and do thattogether right now 7 seconds in
and 11 seconds out.
(24:52):
If you participated in that, youwill notice that you're already
feeling calmer, more relaxed,and the reason for it is simple
when you have a long inhalationin, you're allowing lots of
oxygen into your body, whichautomatically starts creating
relaxation inside of yourmuscles.
When you have a long exhalationout and it's longer than your
(25:15):
inhalation, you are actuallyletting your heart start to beat
slower, because your heartcannot beat fast when your
exhalation is longer than yourinhalation.
It's just a really cooltechnique that you can look up
later if you want to check itout, but the truth is is that
(25:36):
when you have a slower heartrate and more oxygen in your
body, your body has no choicebut to calm down, and so when
you're in a tense conversationthat's causing you to feel
stress or overwhelm or anxietyor anything like this, simply
taking these breaths willautomatically make your body
(25:57):
feel more at ease.
So those are the two thingsthat you can try when you're
having a situation where feelinglike not listening, this old
habit wants to pop up again.
But if you're wanting to trysomething new that's healthier,
you can try one of those twothings.
Okay, well, those are the thingsthat I wanted to share with you
(26:20):
today.
I hope that you found it veryresourceful and informative.
If you did, please definitelyshare this episode with whomever
you seem fit.
It was a pleasure to be hereagain with everybody.
I really hope you had a greattime I sure did, and definitely
(26:41):
tune in to the next one comingup next week.
Have a wonderful week and blessyou all.
Take care.
This is episode 87, talking about three common
mistakes during communicationand how to fix them.
Welcome back everybody.
This is Eric, one of your hostshere at Taiwanica Podcast,
proud to be back to give yousome great new information that
(00:21):
we have collected and want toshare.
The last few episodes, you'vehad the pleasure of listening to
the darling Anita, but todayyou get to listen to, I guess,
my wonderful voice, so hopefullyyou're excited to listen and
strap yourself in for anothervery informative episode.
(00:42):
Today, we're going to betalking about the things that
usually happen whencommunication goes wrong, and
the things that we're going tobe looking at are not
necessarily things that are bad.
It's more about how do werecognize that they're happening
and having a simple awarenessthat, when they are happening,
(01:06):
we're not being judgmentaltowards ourselves.
Instead, we are capable ofchoosing a different option
instead of continuing the habitthat we are creating when we do
these things or when the otherperson is doing it inside of the
conversation.
Now, before we dive intoanything, I want to make sure
(01:26):
that we have something veryclear about what communication
is.
Let's look at the wordCommunication.
If you look at the word, itreally means two people talking
together.
Okay, it's not one persontalking to another person or one
person simply listening toanother person talking.
(01:47):
No, communication is about openconversation together about any
topic that is involved.
So, when we are looking attoday's mistakes, we're going to
notice that a lot of them arerelated to the things I just
mentioned Usually one persontrying to overpower the other
(02:08):
during a conversation.
Okay, well, the good news is isthat all of us have had these
experiences.
Why is this a good thing?
That means you're not alone,and you shouldn't feel guilty or
feel shameful that you've donethis before, because, more than
likely, you are also a personwho's experienced this, either
doing it or having someone do itto you.
(02:31):
Now we're going to dive intoeach of them, and while I teach
you which each one, we're goingto also look at some techniques
afterwards about how we canresolve these in such a way that
it's going to be informativeand healthy for your
relationship, so you can notonly stop this habit and also
(02:56):
change it into a new, better one.
Okay, so we're going to startwith number one.
So we're going to start withnumber one.
Number one is going to be theone that I think is the
strangest, that you probablywouldn't think of, and we'll go
on to more obvious onesafterwards.
So the first one is looking ata conversation and communicating
(03:21):
about things without cleargoals and communicating about
things without clear goals,without clear goals.
So sometimes when you're boredor when you're don't have
anything to do but you'rehanging out with somebody or
you're with your spouse or yourboyfriend, girlfriend or maybe
even your best friend, you kindof just want to have a talk.
(03:41):
But when you're just talkingabout nothing, this can be
healthy and it can build yourrelationship.
But if you're in a mood or anemotional state that's not
necessarily good, then somenegativities are bound to happen
(04:02):
.
It's just something that'snatural.
If you're not feeling good,you're going to start talking
about not good things.
It seems to be that order.
So the goal that we want toachieve here is to simply
understand.
Well, when I have aconversation with somebody, what
is the intention?
Am I talking to this personbecause I want them to help me
(04:24):
with something?
Am I talking to this personbecause I have some news I want
to share with them?
You know, having a clear ideaof what you want to say before
you even enter the conversationwith somebody really helps keep
the conversation andcommunication healthy and
(04:44):
positive.
So by simply understanding,before you enter the
conversation, why am I talkingto this person.
So, in other words, start withyour why.
Then this will be able to helpyou connect with them smoother,
without any of these abruptemotions getting in the way.
And you know, emotions are fineDuring a conversation, no
(05:07):
matter what you're going to feelemotions.
We're human, we feel emotions.
It's just part of theexperience.
But sometimes people will getemotional.
In other words, their wholeentire system is being run by a
certain emotion, let it be, forexample, anger, fear, sadness,
(05:32):
one of these or any other.
And when this happens, insteadof actually focusing on
achieving the goal of theconversation, it kind of gets
steered off in the wrongdirection because of that
emotion being felt.
So if we give anger as anexample, you're at first in the
conversation feeling fine, butall of a sudden you're feeling
(05:55):
angry and then you get in afight.
So this is just an easy way toreally notice that if we're in
this kind of rhythm of knowingwhere we want to go, having the
goal in sight the entire time,then chances are we will not be
overrun by this trigger, whichis actually one of the next big
(06:18):
things that we're going to talkabout is how to recognize your
triggers.
About is how to recognize yourtriggers, and so this is the
antidote, or the clearing andhealing that we want to focus on
here, for going with goalsinside of a conversation.
So, when you have a clear goalbut you're still feeling a
(06:40):
trigger pop up, so let's say,for example, a trigger pop up.
So let's say, for example, I'mtalking to Anita about our plans
for the weekend and she wantsto go see a movie, for example,
and she says a word about themovie that triggers me to feel
angry, such as oh, I don't wantto see white people in a movie.
(07:03):
Okay, so hearing the word whitepeople because you know I
identify as a white person thatmight trigger me to feel anger.
Okay, so the response thatcould possibly happen in that
situation would be I start toyou know, would be I start to
(07:28):
you know respond in a reactionof anger to her.
Instead of talking about themovie, I start saying why would
you say something like that?
That's a horrible thing to say.
You know, going down thisconversation that's unrelated to
the movie itself, of course,talking about this conversation
of like why did she say whitepeople and all of these things
is a very important thing totalk about.
(07:51):
But there's a right time and aright place to have certain
conversations and to do it inthe middle of a conversation
that you're already having, suchas, you know, the movie that
you're talking about, and thegoal here is to find out what
movie you want to watch together.
Talking about this issue thatpopped up is when it comes up
(08:16):
will automatically put you in anemotional state.
So, to avoid putting yourselfin that kind of situation,
simply noticing in your body oh,I am aware that I'm feeling
this anger inside me when Anitasaid the words white people what
(08:41):
did I just do here?
I simply acknowledged or statedto myself in my mind the things
that were happening.
Okay, I'll say it again to makeit extra clear oh, I am
noticing that I'm feeling angrywhen Anita says white people.
(09:01):
So when you do this kind ofreconciliation and
acknowledgement, what willhappen is you're actually
telling the body that you areaware why you're feeling that
emotion, body, that you areaware why you're feeling that
emotion.
And by telling the body, hey, Isee you, I notice what you're
(09:33):
saying, I get you it willautomatically start to calm down
, because the most emotions,what they want is simply to be
acknowledged or felt.
So we have this power of beingable to focus on the emotion and
when we do that by you know,with our thoughts, or actually
you know feeling the feelings itwill help the body to calm down
, and then, when you're feelingcalm and you're able to continue
(09:56):
the conversation, that'shappening.
Our example here is the movie.
You can complete the goal.
Okay, we're going to go seethis action movie on saturday at
6 pm.
Okay, when the conversation'sover and you're feeling calm,
you can bring up the other thingthat happened.
Hey, anita, when we weretalking about the movie, you
said something about whitepeople and I want you to know.
(10:18):
That made me feel angry and Iwant to talk to you about it
more.
Notice here that my approach tothe conversation is not in an
angry state.
Instead, I'm very calm andrelaxed, and this is what we
want to achieve in allconversations, because if we
have an emotionally triggeredconversation, the chances of it
(10:41):
being a successful and healthyone are very low.
On the other hand, if you'refeeling very you know calm and
relaxed, then the chances arethat you're able to focus on
this conversation objectivelyinstead of subjectively, are
much higher.
So this is one of the greatthings that you can do about
(11:02):
having clear goals with yourconversation and also avoiding
things like triggers.
Okay, so that was number one.
We're going to go into numbertwo, and this one is more
obvious, but not as obvious asnumber three, so definitely stay
tuned until the end.
(11:22):
Number two is talking aboutblaming.
Okay, pointing fingers atpeople or scolding people or,
you know, creating separationbecause someone is not acting
based on your expectations.
So let's make a clear examplehere so that we understand why
(11:46):
is blaming a really big mistakein communication?
So, like we said at the verybeginning, communication is a
two-way.
Okay, we are doing somethingwith someone.
We're not doing this to someoneor at someone, and this thing
that we're talking about iscommunication talking.
(12:08):
So if we're having thisconversation, and I am trying to
make sure that I'm not going toblame this person, I have to
make sure I'm not saying thingslike oh, why are you saying that
?
Or oh, you know you shouldn'tbe saying this thing, that's not
okay.
Or oh, here we go again.
(12:30):
You're going to say that thing.
Oh, oh, I know, I knew you weregoing to say that you always
say that in this kind ofconversation.
Or why aren't you talking?
You know, why are you being soquiet?
All of these reactions areblaming.
(13:02):
You know this expectation thatthe person that should act in a
certain way to achieve the goalis in your mind your thought
about trying to control anotherperson and how they should act
in front of you.
So in other words, you'retrying to not only be the
controller of your own thoughts,but you want to put yourself
into somebody's brain and takecontrol of their system and have
them talk in a way that makesyou happy.
So that's kind of insane, don'tyou think it's a little bit
(13:26):
crazy to think that we would dothat?
And of course we're notconsciously doing this.
But in the end blaming is kindof that goal.
We're trying to have them actin a way that satisfies our
needs.
So if we're trying to controlthem and not let them be who
they truly are, then we are, inother words, trying to be the
(13:48):
ruler of this conversation.
So we want to try to avoidblame.
Blame has no power except forsabotage or destruction, and
that can be very powerful if youwant to ruin a relationship.
But of course, here.
Healthy communication is thegoal of this podcast, not
(14:09):
destroying relationships.
So, when we look at thisclosely, what are we going to do
instead to help us, try to helpimprove the relationship with
not blaming?
Well, one thing that we can dois do what's called cognitive
restructuring.
Cognitive restructuring issimply saying, oh, we want to
(14:33):
look at the challenge that weare having right now in our
conversation.
That could be person A is beingvery open in their communication
, but, on the other hand, personB is very closed off.
They're not communicating atall, and this can cause the
challenge of actually movingforward with trying to create a
(14:56):
solution.
Maybe person B is justnaturally more closed.
They don't like to share theirfeelings or try to express
themselves, for whatever reason.
Maybe that's how they grew upor in their relationship that
they're in.
They feel hurt or they feellike if they do express
themselves, they're not going tobe understood.
(15:17):
There are going to be a lot ofreasons why the person's this
way, but to use them as anexample today, what we like to
say is, if we could have personB be aware that this is
happening, that if they'regetting stuck in this pattern,
we want to help them understandthat we're not going to blame
(15:39):
them for who they are.
Instead, we ask them what'sgoing on, and it might not be a
part of the actual conversationthat you're having at that
moment.
So this is the key word hereconcern.
Then you will open the door tohave them start doing this
(16:03):
cognitive restructuring.
So let's make a very clearexample.
I have a client and for privacypurposes I won't say their real
name, so I'm going to say Mary.
Mary is in a relationship withher boyfriend and she has been
struggling recently, and it'sbecause her boyfriend has been
(16:27):
very closed off and not openabout communication, even though
Mary is very expressive withher emotions and very easy to
understand.
So she found it very difficultto communicate with her
boyfriend and they have beenfighting on and off for the last
couple of weeks.
And she approached me not toolong ago saying well, I feel
(16:51):
like he's not making any effort.
I'm doing everything.
He's closed off, I don't feellike we're connecting at all and
I'm trying to offer himopportunities to be with me, but
whenever we're together he'smad.
And so Mary, in this situation,is in a closed off relationship
.
It's not a permanent situation,but that is the current
(17:15):
condition that her relationshiphas become.
So what does Mary want to do?
Instead of focusing on theblame here, we want to focus on
the concern.
So how could she do this?
Well, mary could simply saywell, boyfriend, I'm really
worried that if we keep ontalking this way, where I'm
(17:39):
expressing myself clearly andyou're not, then we're not going
to be able to move forward inthis relationship.
Or I'm noticing, boyfriend,that you're having a hard time
expressing yourself to me, is ittrue?
Or, boyfriend, I really careabout you and this relationship,
but if things keep going onlike this, I don't know if we
(18:03):
can continue the relationship.
All this is through theexpression of concern, not blame
, because, even though it soundsvery similar to blame, the
difference is that there'scoming with an open heart and an
open mind, that the boyfriendwill have the opportunity to
(18:24):
actually express what ishappening.
If he takes it so with blame,when we're doing this kind of
communication, it's an attackand defense scenario.
It's an attack and defensescenario.
(18:44):
You're not doing this, you'renot doing that, you're not this.
All this you're not is blame,but embracing concern is showing
.
I'm noticing this, I'm noticingthat.
I can see this.
Is it true?
Is it not?
Tell me.
Opening it to this kind ofexpression not only shows that
(19:05):
you want to be an open ear, agood listener to the other
person, but you're also givingthem just the chance to really
express themselves.
So that's why trying to changethe framework of how these
patterns happen from blame toconcern will give you
(19:27):
opportunities to have bettercommunication.
Okay, so that leads us to ourfinal and most obvious situation
that happens in a lot ofrelationships, and especially
communication, and that issimply not listening.
Yeah, you heard it notlistening.
(19:47):
This one is a verystraightforward one, because
many people like to expressthemselves, they want to be
heard, and everyone has theirstory and they have their point
of view, and everyone wants tobe recognized for that point of
view, because it gives them asense of being, gives them a
(20:08):
sense of value, that they aretruly there, and you, being the
listener, when you're actuallypaying attention to their words,
that gives them theencouragement that they are
actually being understood.
So the problem is, though, infighting and intense
(20:30):
communication situations,especially in things like
meetings, when someone is tryingto express themselves and they
are interrupted immediately.
For example, if I'm talkingabout the success of our
business recently and saying youknow?
Oh, the last three months wehave seen an increase of and
(20:53):
then the other person tells thenumber oh, you know, 20% of that
market price right there.
Yes, we all know that.
So this kind of way ofcommunicating with each other is
someone predicting the outcomeof a communication?
Okay, predicting the outcome.
(21:15):
Why is this not a good thing?
Well know, yes, it's okay thatwe all have the ability to
predict the future a little bit.
But when you create conclusionslike this because that's what
it is, you're creating aconclusion for a conversation
that hasn't been completed yet.
(21:35):
There's an issue.
You're not allowing any newopportunities or clear results
that might be different fromwhat you think to occur.
You're allowing just what youthink to be real to be the only
option, when, in reality, theoptions of what could be said
(21:56):
are endless.
They're limitless, and sopredicting what another person
will say, even if you are reallycertain what they're going to
say, and interrupting them intheir flow of communication is
never a good idea.
It just shows one you're notshowing yourself clearly to be
(22:17):
there for somebody.
And the second one is we'regoing to have that person
believe that they are unworthyto communicate them with
themselves or, sorry,communicate their ideas.
And so what can we do instead ofinterrupting people and allow
them to continue theirconversation?
(22:38):
Well, one thing is learning thepower of listening.
So what is behind the power oflistening?
Well, there's a lot, but fortoday's conversation, we're only
going to focus on two things.
One is that you're presentingyourself in such a way that
you're present for that person,and being present for that
(23:03):
person automatically shows thatyou care.
So, by listening to what theysay and responding in a way
that's unique and genuine andauthentic will help them realize
yeah, it's very easy to havehealthy communication with you.
Then, if you're having atrouble, let's just say that
(23:26):
you're in a conversation and youdo feel like you know what's
going to happen, but you reallydon't want to keep on listening
to what they're saying becauseit's starting to give you some
stress, or maybe even some agonyof some kind, or maybe even
some agony of some kind, maybeeven some suffering.
Then what we would like to dois still not interrupt or walk
(23:46):
away from the conversation,because that will escalate
things even more.
So a way to keep yourself calmand stable during a conversation
like that and let them continue, their share of the
communication is simply be awareof your breathing.
One of the easiest things thatyou can do is do deep breathings
(24:07):
.
An easy technique that I liketo share, and I'll share with
you now, is doing an inhalationthat's long and an exhalation
that's longer.
My favorite go-to in terms ofnumbers is something that's easy
to remember.
So I always tell people try tojust remember 7-11, just like
(24:28):
the convenience store.
So you would do 7 seconds inand 11 seconds out.
So let's go ahead and do thattogether right now 7 seconds in
and 11 seconds out.
(24:52):
If you participated in that, youwill notice that you're already
feeling calmer, more relaxed,and the reason for it is simple
when you have a long inhalationin, you're allowing lots of
oxygen into your body, whichautomatically starts creating
relaxation inside of yourmuscles.
When you have a long exhalationout and it's longer than your
(25:15):
inhalation, you are actuallyletting your heart start to beat
slower, because your heartcannot beat fast when your
exhalation is longer than yourinhalation.
It's just a really cooltechnique that you can look up
later if you want to check itout, but the truth is is that
(25:36):
when you have a slower heartrate and more oxygen in your
body, your body has no choicebut to calm down, and so when
you're in a tense conversationthat's causing you to feel
stress or overwhelm or anxietyor anything like this, simply
taking these breaths willautomatically make your body
(25:57):
feel more at ease.
So those are the two thingsthat you can try when you're
having a situation where feelinglike not listening, this old
habit wants to pop up again.
But if you're wanting to trysomething new that's healthier,
you can try one of those twothings.
Okay, well, those are the thingsthat I wanted to share with you
(26:20):
today.
I hope that you found it veryresourceful and informative.
If you did, please definitelyshare this episode with whomever
you seem fit.
It was a pleasure to be hereagain with everybody.
I really hope you had a greattime I sure did, and definitely
(26:41):
tune in to the next one comingup next week.
Have a wonderful week and blessyou all.
Take care.
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