June 9, 2025 • 29 mins
The essential role of fathers often gets diminished in modern conversations about family dynamics, yet their impact on children's development remains profound and irreplaceable. This compelling episode dives deep into the multifaceted nature of fatherhood - celebrating those who show up, acknowledging the challenges when fathers are absent, and exploring how communities can bridge these gaps.
Whether you're a father seeking encouragement, someone who grew up without a dad, or a community member wanting to support family wellbeing, this episode offers meaningful insights and practical ways to elevate the irreplaceable role of fathers in children's lives. Join us in recognizing that while anyone can father a child, it takes someone special to be a dad.
Look up, and let's elevate!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hey, it's Jen the Builder and Corey, and welcome
to a very special episode today,where we are elevating
fatherhood fatherhood andparenthood.
Yeah, yeah yeah, did you knowthat father's day started in
1910 in spokane, washington?
Wow, I wonder yeah spark thatone.
(00:37):
Yeah, that's a good thing tolook into if anyone listening
wants to let us know what youfind.
And that it didn't become anofficial national holiday.
So guess what, corey, this isso cool and, yes, I'm giving up
some information on you.
Okay, it became official theyear you were born, 1972.
Isn't that funny?
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yeah, they were preparing it just for me.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
That's right.
I knew I was going to be a deadfather.
They knew we got to make this aday.
There you go.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
So today, our goal is to honor all fathers and those
are the ones that are present,absent or somewhere in between
and we're going to explore howcommunities, how we can uplift
the father-child relationship.
Are you ready?
Oh yeah, born for this, allright, so let's go.
(01:30):
So let's start with fathers whoare present.
I'm going to throw some stats.
You know, I really kind ofprepared for this episode
because I honor Corey as a dadand, for those who know me, I
love my dad and I even say thatpresent tense, even though he's
no longer with us.
I think fathers are soimportant and so critical in our
(01:51):
lives.
So, fun fact 72 million fathersin the US, 72 million and out
of those, 29 million of them aregrandfathers.
Oh, wow.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Haven't made it to the grandfatherhood yet, but
working on that, I'm trying toconvince these kids to go make
some babies.
I just don't know how to do it,because I mean back in the day
you silly Corey.
You're silly.
People just naturally decidedhey, it's time to have kids.
My kids have not decided thisyet, even though marriage is
(02:23):
already entered into the picturefor one of them.
So you know, and no, I'm notencouraging premarital sex and
babies out of wedlock, but youknow, hey, getting desperate
over here well, who knows, maybe, maybe that'll be a gift soon
for you who knows?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
all right.
So this is interesting 70 of usamerican adults see our dads as
lifelong mentors.
They see dads teach themresilience, confidence and life
skills.
So, as a dad, cory, how haveyou brought those important
(03:03):
pieces of life into our kids?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Very carefully.
You know, fatherhood is such atight wire act that you have to
understand not only how toapproach a child, you also have
to understand how to maintainthe conversation, maintain the
(03:29):
conversation, and in maintainingthe conversation you you have
to figure out how not to be theoverbearing dad without being
the, the dad who's you know toointo the business, or maybe the
nerd dad, and and I know I havenerd tendencies so I really push
to stay away from those things,because who wants to be known
as the nerd dad?
Speaker 1 (03:49):
you know yeah, I like how you hold on.
Let me fix my sound.
Sorry about the guys verytemperamental technology going
on around me.
Yeah, my apologies, let me juststay very still, all right, so
let's talk about presence of afather, because presence doesn't
(04:11):
just mean I'm their father,right?
What do you want to emphasizeas we elevate fatherhood and the
importance of presence?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
so I'll say it like this I'll give some information
for new fathers or youngerfathers, fathers that are trying
to figure this thing out.
I was just always involved.
I, I was the father that wentto everything.
I was the father sitting on theporch listening to the
conversations.
I was the referee for thefootball games and the kickball
(04:43):
games and the Kota sack.
I was the father you know askingyou know, why do you guys want
to fight about this?
It's really silly.
Let's think about this beforewe have a all-in-out fight and
if we do, let's get the parentsinvolved.
We're going to get some boxinggloves and do it the right way,
and that usually broke up thefight because nobody wanted to
(05:04):
be a spectacle while parentswere watching, and I knew that.
So that's why I would go there.
But you really want to be a mainpart of everything.
You want the teachers to knowwho you are and you want your
children to know that you knowthe teachers.
Oh yeah, I talked to MrSo-and-so the other day, because
then that puts the like oh man,mr So-and-so the other day,
because then that puts the likeoh man, mr so-and-so will call
(05:25):
my dad and my dad will call him,and I can't have that.
So I'm gonna, you know, rethinkthis.
But, yeah, you just want to bepresent in every aspect possible
.
And is it hard?
Absolutely, but it's definitelyworth it.
I, I, I escaped so manyobstacles I'll use that word by
(05:48):
just being present, as tough asit may have seemed to be, or as
irritating Because who wants togo to every parent teacher
conference?
You got three kids, but at thesame time, you have to, because
you have to be able to show upand show them.
I'm going to be here one way oranother.
So, yeah, that's my, myfirst-hand advice for any young
(06:10):
father or new father that'sreally good advice.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
I'd love to hear your take, corey, because our
situation is there's a bunch ofparents for our kids, right,
like you co-parented with me andyou also were very involved
with their father.
So Michaela and Nathan havetheir father and I had a
(06:35):
co-parent with Xavier's mom,right.
So what is that like?
What advice would you give thatsituation?
Speaker 2 (06:43):
I just gave space for that other parent and I thought
it was going to be much tougherthan it really was, but it
really wasn't, especiallybecause when it's their turn,
when it's their time, you know,you give them that space and let
them do their thing.
And when they come back, youknow, and I've always said to
(07:05):
both of the kids, I'm not tryingto replace him, that's not my
job, that's not what I'm herefor, you know.
But what I am here for is tocover those gaps and make sure
that the things that are missingand you got to be willing to do
that.
And me, being a sports guy, asa younger guy, I being the fifth
man, I understood coming offthe bench, I understood making
(07:28):
sure, uh, I was watchingeverything happening in the game
so I could see the otherplayers weaknesses and not
saying that that the father hadweaknesses, but we as, as
parents, only can do so much andthat's the importance of a mom
and a dad, you know.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
And if you don't have a mom and a dad, at least a
grandparent or an auntie or anuncle or something, something to
that, uh, aspect yeah, one ofthe key takeaways I have,
watching you father our childrenand working with their father,
is you had conversations withhim, I'm gonna say weekly.
(08:09):
You didn't leave him out.
You gave him such good adviceand us and you were such a
peacemaker.
If him and I, you know, buttedheads or there was conflict, you
were the one who heard him,heard me and then just kind of
brought us together.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Yeah, that is just a blessing and a miracle in itself
, and I say that because I hadexposure to a system that was
riddled with nothing butproblems.
I worked in the non-publicschool system and as a crisis
counselor I watched all thesebroken homes and all these
(08:50):
broken parents attempt to raisebroken children and as they
attempted to raise these brokenchildren with other broken
people because they were asingle mom home, single father's
homes I just seen all thearguing and fighting and how it
affected the broken child.
And I'm using that word onpurpose so you can understand
(09:11):
that if you have that manybroken people, you're never
going to have a whole anything.
It's just going to be brokenpeople.
And so I learned quickly if I'mgoing to deal with and manage a
relationship with anotherparent that is on the opposite
(09:32):
end, I'm going to have to learnhow to navigate peacefully.
So my, my intent was never tohave an argument.
My intent was never to have adisagreement.
If that, if I don't understandor I don't agree, we can agree
to disagree.
I don't see it that way, butI'm not mad about it that you
see it that way and I'm nottrying to fight you about it
(09:53):
either, and so that helped menavigate the waters just a
little bit easier and plus Ialways knew that when the kids
were in my care it's my way orno way.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Truly truly so.
As a result of who you were asa dad and just that whole family
dynamic.
There is an impact of presenceand engagement from dads to
their kids.
So these are kiddos that yousee, with higher self-esteem,
academic success, they havebetter problem-solving skills,
(10:28):
higher emotional regulation andthere's healthy risk-taking and
social skills, right.
So, like we've said in otherepisodes, there are things that
we learned along the way and wehad a course correct real-time,
but I really believe that thereis health and well-being when
(10:53):
fathers are involved.
And so, corey, you hadmentioned your past experiences
working with kids in the system.
This was a hard stat for me toread, and it's just a hard truth
that one in four children andthere's 17.8 million kids, by
the way is that they livewithout a father figure at home,
(11:14):
and so there's consequences forthe absence of a father, and
this is where we see increasedbehavioral problems.
They in turn, struggleacademically at times.
There is a higher risk of teenpregnancy, substance abuse,
(11:34):
homelessness, incarceration, andthere's just an emotional void
that can't be filled elsewhere.
It can be through moms.
I'm not saying that's notpossible, but it affects
self-worth in relationships,right.
And when I read that populationum, homelessness, incarceration
(11:55):
.
These are a lot of the peoplethat you and I and the company
we work in take care of everyday.
You know, and you just thinkabout their upbringing and the
challenges that they faced,possibly without a dad right,
well, well, I'm going to saythis without a brag.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
This is nowhere near a brag, but I am happy that I
can say this my grandfather,which was my dad's father, never
seen the inside of a jail.
My father never seen the insideof a jail, praise God.
And I've never seen the insideof a jail.
You're breaking stats on thatand curses that's true and I say
that because, um, that's thenorm, it is.
(12:40):
I would never forget this.
I was going to court forordinary traffic stop and I
thought I cleared this uh ticketup, but apparently I hadn't,
and so this ticket lingered foryears I think about five years
and I get pulled over again, andso of course, I get you know
(13:01):
the warning you have a warrantout for a failure to appear and
you have to go to court.
Blah, blah, blah.
So get to court.
We don't have to go through thegory details of all the
interactions.
No, I didn't go to jail, no, Iwasn't arrested.
Go to court, and the judge justautomatically assumed that I
(13:21):
was incarcerated and said howmuch time did you serve?
And I said absolutely none.
And I just thought this is thenorm for men and me being a
black man even more.
So, yeah, so um, that, that'ssomething that you have to
credit to the father being inthe home yeah, yeah, and I also
(13:45):
want to note that not everyabsent father chooses to be away
um.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
There are situations like work um parents who are
divorced oh yeah you mentionedincarceration or just strained
relationships, right.
So I also want to give a hugeshout out to those who are the
supportive adults who act likefathers or are fathers like
uncles, grandfathers.
(14:10):
I know, growing up without adad after nine, 10 years old so
my brother was four or five whenhe passed away Coaches were a
huge, huge father figure type inin my brother's lives.
Life, oh yeah.
And he played sports almostevery year and the coaches just
(14:32):
took him in.
They were just so sweet andhelpful to my mom, who was a
single mom, like they justrecognized we need to step in
and not just be coach but mentorhim, and I believe that is a
big reason why he's sosuccessful today.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Oh, yeah, I definitely co-signed that, that
effort, you know, and that'sagain why we also jumped into uh
, helping youth out, yeah, andand seeing ourselves a part of a
teenage and middle school, highschool kids, you know just to
be mentors and make sure thatthey chose the right path and
(15:14):
had, uh, someone to talk to, ifnothing else.
And when I say that, you know,children always want someone to
talk to and the streets arealways there to listen, to give
them horrible, awful advice andgive them a place of belonging,
(15:34):
yeah, right, yeah.
And so it takes strongindividuals and I'm not touting
and tooting our own horn.
What I'm simply saying is that,if you recognize that, that's
the best thing you could ever dois just be there for them to
have a place to go talk tosomeone, someone to you know.
Um, when I said, give advice,guys, we're, we're talking about
(15:59):
the simplest of the simplestthings.
Should I join a gang?
No, one person says no, youshouldn't here.
Here's why.
And you prevent some young,impressionable child from
joining the gang and ruiningtheir lives.
Yeah, I was out with my friendsthe other night and they were
(16:20):
drinking.
They're 14 years old.
What do you think aboutdrinking?
It's a simple answer, and theseare the questions that kids are
asking, and sometimes they havepeople at home, sometimes they
don't.
But it's just, you know, youbeing in the middle, I want to
segue out of something intosomething else, and then we'll
(16:40):
jump back on track.
Uh, we just released our fourthbook, which is kelly kenga, and
so someone already said to mewell, where, where's the father?
And the father was left out ofthe writing on purpose, but the
father is very much so present.
So just know there's afollow-up to that.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I love that sneak peek and the background behind
that book.
By the way, it's called KellyKinga and I believe it's
officially released on Father'sDay.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
On Father's Day On Amazon.
There you go yeah, so reallyexcited about that story and I'm
working on a direct releasefrom the website so you can go
on there and order as well.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, and that website is, for those who don't
know, fuzzy furry forestcomperfect.
So before I go on to the nexttopic around fatherhood, you
know that 49% of us learn how todrive from our dads, and then
43% of us learn basic repairs.
(17:42):
I wish I had learned drivingfrom my dad, because I just
thought he was such a great.
I thought dad was great ateverything, but both our dads
are no longer here.
Cray, what's something that youreally feel like you've learned
from him and you still carrywith you today?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
man.
It's so much jen.
Yeah, and you know, as a, as ayounger man, you go through
these things where you havethese resentments, you have
these issues about dad and aboutwhy this and why not that, and
as you get older you're like oh,dad was really trying to just
(18:20):
hold things together, dad wasreally working hard to just keep
peace in the home, because we alot of times we think it's mom
keeping the peace, but reallydad's keeping the peace by
either not saying something, notover responding to something,
because he could really go overthe top about some things or
(18:42):
just simply saying you know what?
It's not that bad, right.
And that's where I just learnedso much from him.
I watched my mom egg him on alittle bit and he's like no, no,
no, you got to let the boy growup, he's just a boy, let him be
a boy.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
So yeah, I learned a lot of things that, of course
driving, of course car repair,changing oil, changing the tire,
how to paint paint, how to mowa lawn I mean the simplest of
simple things that now play sucha huge role in my life today
absolutely, um, you know, I justam reminded of something I love
(19:25):
when listeners give give usadvice, because it's sound
advice.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
By the way, these stats aren't anything I made up.
Let me go ahead and give ashout out to some websites that
I looked up for this.
So new york post gave the funfacts.
There's really cool um websitesout there, like fatherhoodorg
um, I love this onekiddoswithdadcom so just check
(19:53):
those out.
They're all over and they'rejust so great, especially when a
father is absent.
Parentscom, right.
So those are my plugins, allright.
So let's talk about, as acommunity, how we can uplift the
father-child relationships, howwe can uplift the father-child
(20:13):
relationships.
Corey, I know that you are sopassionate about men and how
their role and who they are haschanged throughout time.
Do you want to share a littlebit about that?
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Absolutely.
You know it's done subtly, butI have to be a realist on this,
and so I'm not trying to offendanyone or make anyone feel like
I'm pointing fingers at you inparticular, but the system has
slowly taken away the male roleout of the household, and it's
(20:46):
troubling.
Years ago we pointed out well,I pointed out to you in the
supermarket that all the imageson the magazines were these
incredibly strong looking womenand there were no men to be seen
, and I knew, right then they'retransitioning the men out of
(21:08):
the household and building thewoman up.
I get it, women are strong,women can do some things that
men just cannot do, and Iapplaud that all day and all
night.
But you never want to remove themasculinity or the man out of
the household, and I heard thisword is very troubling toxic
(21:29):
masculinity.
You're ultimately saying thatmalehood is toxic, and that's
just not true.
There's no toxins inmasculinity or even being
masculine, you know, um?
So I I'm an advocate forpushing men to do the right
thing, say the right thing,being the right thing, say the
(21:50):
right thing being the rightthing, being in the right places
, taking care of family, familyfirst, and there's many ways you
can take care of family withoutit being solely monetary, and
so I just really advocate forthat.
You know, men in the household,men raising children, men
(22:13):
cooking and cleaning, not beingthe wife but being the husband,
a strong husband or a strongfather, and you can be one
without being the other one, butit takes a man to do both of
them.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Yeah, I know that's not the messaging that a lot of
people want to hear, but thatthat's for me, that's from me
well, I think that's importantand I think we need to have more
of these spaces because, as awoman, I feel that when we do
uplift or elevate manhood,masculinity, the importance of
(22:53):
having a father, the importanceof the husband and wife
relationship, sometimes womenact like are you saying I can't
do it on my own, we don't needto go there.
We're just saying it's strongerand better where there are two
right and that there's a placeand a need for a man in the
(23:13):
family dynamics.
And I'm with you, corey.
I'd love to see that come backbecause, being without a dad, I
know what I missed out on.
I am very aware, and so am I,an advocate for fathers and
those who play the father role.
Absolutely Anywhere where wecan fill that gap is so
(23:35):
important.
So we want to just talk aboutthe community at large and how
we can lift that up.
So there are so many things outthere.
Did you know that there'sfather support groups?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And I know that I, as a woman,will join a support group in a
(23:58):
heartbeat, like that is, likeit's something I need, whether
the support be my friend or myfriends, or there's.
Oh, there's something going onhere for women, let's join.
What is that like for a man?
I just don't hear men talkingabout that much.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
It's nothing like that.
As a matter of fact, men willshy away from groups like that
and trying to join anythingthat's supporting manhood.
Number one it's a littlestrange for us because we feel
like, oh, you're trying to askme about what I do or why I do
it, so there's that aspect of it.
(24:33):
Then you have the man that'slike I don't have time to go sit
down and talk about my feelingsand my emotions.
I have one feeling and oneemotion.
I just want to get the workdone.
And then you have the men thatyou know we were a lot of men
were just raised different.
They were raised to just go out, do what you got to do, and if
(24:54):
you need to talk to someoneabout it, you might call mom,
you might call your brother oryou might just call your best
friend and you know that'senough.
And you don't want to complaintoo much, because then men look
at you like, oh, you'recomplaining too much, but we're
getting to a space now, jan,where we're more open to talking
, we're more accepting of agroup.
(25:15):
So yeah, I've noticed that aswell.
Yeah, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
There's another fatherhood program I ran into
called All Pro Dad.
That's pretty cool and I thinkit's important that as a
community, we host inclusivefather events, so like, for
example, when we worked withyouth community.
We host inclusive father events, so like, for example, when we
worked with youth.
Remember we did the father,daughter dance, oh yeah, and it
wasn't just like, oh, come intothe hall and dance.
(25:41):
It was a dance that wasrehearsed and there were steps,
and then it was just beautifulbecause every father, daughter
was highlighted as their solodance and then everyone together
was so choreographed it was, itwas beautiful.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
It was cool because you know what it did.
Is it allowed for men to comeout of their comfort zone?
Number one, but also not to beembarrassed.
Because I'm representing mydaughter and I'm going to do
something fun with her and forher, because all the daughters
were so excited to be dancingwith their fathers and it was
(26:22):
incredible.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
They really were.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, I had a blast on that.
That was a beautiful event.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
And then seeing these events at schools, parks,
libraries right Communitycenters huge.
I'm a big advocate.
I love, love, love that men getpaid paternity leave.
That was not a thing when I wasyounger, so when I heard that I
was like what?
Like that's amazing, and theyget baby bonding time and
everything.
(26:48):
So I think that flexibility atthe work to honor the man's
place in the family is soimportant.
Um, I also would love to seelike an elevation of fatherhood
in media and social media.
I see that quite a bit now inreels, yeah, um, and just the
sharing of positive dad storiesand just getting it out there.
(27:11):
Because if, if we're gonnascroll, I hope we see more
positive fatherhood and childmoments yeah, I mean, we've seen
our fair share of daddy downervideos yeah so we need to see
the uplifting of the fathers,for sure.
(27:31):
So we're going to close this out, and I think what I'd really
love to share is that everyfather deserves recognition and
every child deserves love andsupport.
So thank you to those men whoare doing that for your children
, for children that you know andwork with.
What a blessing you are.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Indeed.
Speaker 1 (27:53):
Yeah, so call to action elevators.
Think a father figure today.
Think about volunteering inprograms that uplift dads and
kids.
If there isn't one, maybeyou're the one who's going to
start that right.
Just light a fire, set thatspark.
We'd love.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
If you'd like to share a positive fatherhood
story, tag us and we'd like tocatch it on your instagram and
that way we can connect there,yeah, and for me I just want to
say it is okay to hold your headup high and stick your chest
out a little bit, because youknow you're a good father and
you're doing a good job and,whether anyone tells you or not,
(28:34):
I'm telling you You're doing agreat job.
Keep it up, bro.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
That's right.
So I read this quote UnknownAnyone can be a father, but it
takes someone special to be adad.
So happy dad's day and you knowus to take the elevator.
We say look up and let'selevate.
Hey, it's Jen the Builder and Corey, and welcome
to a very special episode today,where we are elevating
fatherhood fatherhood andparenthood.
Yeah, yeah yeah, did you knowthat father's day started in
1910 in spokane, washington?
Wow, I wonder yeah spark thatone.
(00:37):
Yeah, that's a good thing tolook into if anyone listening
wants to let us know what youfind.
And that it didn't become anofficial national holiday.
So guess what, corey, this isso cool and, yes, I'm giving up
some information on you.
Okay, it became official theyear you were born, 1972.
Isn't that funny?
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yeah, they were preparing it just for me.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
That's right.
I knew I was going to be a deadfather.
They knew we got to make this aday.
There you go.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
So today, our goal is to honor all fathers and those
are the ones that are present,absent or somewhere in between
and we're going to explore howcommunities, how we can uplift
the father-child relationship.
Are you ready?
Oh yeah, born for this, allright, so let's go.
(01:30):
So let's start with fathers whoare present.
I'm going to throw some stats.
You know, I really kind ofprepared for this episode
because I honor Corey as a dadand, for those who know me, I
love my dad and I even say thatpresent tense, even though he's
no longer with us.
I think fathers are soimportant and so critical in our
(01:51):
lives.
So, fun fact 72 million fathersin the US, 72 million and out
of those, 29 million of them aregrandfathers.
Oh, wow.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Haven't made it to the grandfatherhood yet, but
working on that, I'm trying toconvince these kids to go make
some babies.
I just don't know how to do it,because I mean back in the day
you silly Corey.
You're silly.
People just naturally decidedhey, it's time to have kids.
My kids have not decided thisyet, even though marriage is
(02:23):
already entered into the picturefor one of them.
So you know, and no, I'm notencouraging premarital sex and
babies out of wedlock, but youknow, hey, getting desperate
over here well, who knows, maybe, maybe that'll be a gift soon
for you who knows?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
all right.
So this is interesting 70 of usamerican adults see our dads as
lifelong mentors.
They see dads teach themresilience, confidence and life
skills.
So, as a dad, cory, how haveyou brought those important
(03:03):
pieces of life into our kids?
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Very carefully.
You know, fatherhood is such atight wire act that you have to
understand not only how toapproach a child, you also have
to understand how to maintainthe conversation, maintain the
(03:29):
conversation, and in maintainingthe conversation you you have
to figure out how not to be theoverbearing dad without being
the, the dad who's you know toointo the business, or maybe the
nerd dad, and and I know I havenerd tendencies so I really push
to stay away from those things,because who wants to be known
as the nerd dad?
Speaker 1 (03:49):
you know yeah, I like how you hold on.
Let me fix my sound.
Sorry about the guys verytemperamental technology going
on around me.
Yeah, my apologies, let me juststay very still, all right, so
let's talk about presence of afather, because presence doesn't
(04:11):
just mean I'm their father,right?
What do you want to emphasizeas we elevate fatherhood and the
importance of presence?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
so I'll say it like this I'll give some information
for new fathers or youngerfathers, fathers that are trying
to figure this thing out.
I was just always involved.
I, I was the father that wentto everything.
I was the father sitting on theporch listening to the
conversations.
I was the referee for thefootball games and the kickball
(04:43):
games and the Kota sack.
I was the father you know askingyou know, why do you guys want
to fight about this?
It's really silly.
Let's think about this beforewe have a all-in-out fight and
if we do, let's get the parentsinvolved.
We're going to get some boxinggloves and do it the right way,
and that usually broke up thefight because nobody wanted to
(05:04):
be a spectacle while parentswere watching, and I knew that.
So that's why I would go there.
But you really want to be a mainpart of everything.
You want the teachers to knowwho you are and you want your
children to know that you knowthe teachers.
Oh yeah, I talked to MrSo-and-so the other day, because
then that puts the like oh man,mr So-and-so the other day,
because then that puts the likeoh man, mr so-and-so will call
(05:25):
my dad and my dad will call him,and I can't have that.
So I'm gonna, you know, rethinkthis.
But, yeah, you just want to bepresent in every aspect possible
.
And is it hard?
Absolutely, but it's definitelyworth it.
I, I, I escaped so manyobstacles I'll use that word by
(05:48):
just being present, as tough asit may have seemed to be, or as
irritating Because who wants togo to every parent teacher
conference?
You got three kids, but at thesame time, you have to, because
you have to be able to show upand show them.
I'm going to be here one way oranother.
So, yeah, that's my, myfirst-hand advice for any young
(06:10):
father or new father that'sreally good advice.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
I'd love to hear your take, corey, because our
situation is there's a bunch ofparents for our kids, right,
like you co-parented with me andyou also were very involved
with their father.
So Michaela and Nathan havetheir father and I had a
(06:35):
co-parent with Xavier's mom,right.
So what is that like?
What advice would you give thatsituation?
Speaker 2 (06:43):
I just gave space for that other parent and I thought
it was going to be much tougherthan it really was, but it
really wasn't, especiallybecause when it's their turn,
when it's their time, you know,you give them that space and let
them do their thing.
And when they come back, youknow, and I've always said to
(07:05):
both of the kids, I'm not tryingto replace him, that's not my
job, that's not what I'm herefor, you know.
But what I am here for is tocover those gaps and make sure
that the things that are missingand you got to be willing to do
that.
And me, being a sports guy, asa younger guy, I being the fifth
man, I understood coming offthe bench, I understood making
(07:28):
sure, uh, I was watchingeverything happening in the game
so I could see the otherplayers weaknesses and not
saying that that the father hadweaknesses, but we as, as
parents, only can do so much andthat's the importance of a mom
and a dad, you know.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
And if you don't have a mom and a dad, at least a
grandparent or an auntie or anuncle or something, something to
that, uh, aspect yeah, one ofthe key takeaways I have,
watching you father our childrenand working with their father,
is you had conversations withhim, I'm gonna say weekly.
(08:09):
You didn't leave him out.
You gave him such good adviceand us and you were such a
peacemaker.
If him and I, you know, buttedheads or there was conflict, you
were the one who heard him,heard me and then just kind of
brought us together.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Yeah, that is just a blessing and a miracle in itself
, and I say that because I hadexposure to a system that was
riddled with nothing butproblems.
I worked in the non-publicschool system and as a crisis
counselor I watched all thesebroken homes and all these
(08:50):
broken parents attempt to raisebroken children and as they
attempted to raise these brokenchildren with other broken
people because they were asingle mom home, single father's
homes I just seen all thearguing and fighting and how it
affected the broken child.
And I'm using that word onpurpose so you can understand
(09:11):
that if you have that manybroken people, you're never
going to have a whole anything.
It's just going to be brokenpeople.
And so I learned quickly if I'mgoing to deal with and manage a
relationship with anotherparent that is on the opposite
(09:32):
end, I'm going to have to learnhow to navigate peacefully.
So my, my intent was never tohave an argument.
My intent was never to have adisagreement.
If that, if I don't understandor I don't agree, we can agree
to disagree.
I don't see it that way, butI'm not mad about it that you
see it that way and I'm nottrying to fight you about it
(09:53):
either, and so that helped menavigate the waters just a
little bit easier and plus Ialways knew that when the kids
were in my care it's my way orno way.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Truly truly so.
As a result of who you were asa dad and just that whole family
dynamic.
There is an impact of presenceand engagement from dads to
their kids.
So these are kiddos that yousee, with higher self-esteem,
academic success, they havebetter problem-solving skills,
(10:28):
higher emotional regulation andthere's healthy risk-taking and
social skills, right.
So, like we've said in otherepisodes, there are things that
we learned along the way and wehad a course correct real-time,
but I really believe that thereis health and well-being when
(10:53):
fathers are involved.
And so, corey, you hadmentioned your past experiences
working with kids in the system.
This was a hard stat for me toread, and it's just a hard truth
that one in four children andthere's 17.8 million kids, by
the way is that they livewithout a father figure at home,
(11:14):
and so there's consequences forthe absence of a father, and
this is where we see increasedbehavioral problems.
They in turn, struggleacademically at times.
There is a higher risk of teenpregnancy, substance abuse,
(11:34):
homelessness, incarceration, andthere's just an emotional void
that can't be filled elsewhere.
It can be through moms.
I'm not saying that's notpossible, but it affects
self-worth in relationships,right.
And when I read that populationum, homelessness, incarceration
(11:55):
.
These are a lot of the peoplethat you and I and the company
we work in take care of everyday.
You know, and you just thinkabout their upbringing and the
challenges that they faced,possibly without a dad right,
well, well, I'm going to saythis without a brag.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
This is nowhere near a brag, but I am happy that I
can say this my grandfather,which was my dad's father, never
seen the inside of a jail.
My father never seen the insideof a jail, praise God.
And I've never seen the insideof a jail.
You're breaking stats on thatand curses that's true and I say
that because, um, that's thenorm, it is.
(12:40):
I would never forget this.
I was going to court forordinary traffic stop and I
thought I cleared this uh ticketup, but apparently I hadn't,
and so this ticket lingered foryears I think about five years
and I get pulled over again, andso of course, I get you know
(13:01):
the warning you have a warrantout for a failure to appear and
you have to go to court.
Blah, blah, blah.
So get to court.
We don't have to go through thegory details of all the
interactions.
No, I didn't go to jail, no, Iwasn't arrested.
Go to court, and the judge justautomatically assumed that I
(13:21):
was incarcerated and said howmuch time did you serve?
And I said absolutely none.
And I just thought this is thenorm for men and me being a
black man even more.
So, yeah, so um, that, that'ssomething that you have to
credit to the father being inthe home yeah, yeah, and I also
(13:45):
want to note that not everyabsent father chooses to be away
um.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
There are situations like work um parents who are
divorced oh yeah you mentionedincarceration or just strained
relationships, right.
So I also want to give a hugeshout out to those who are the
supportive adults who act likefathers or are fathers like
uncles, grandfathers.
(14:10):
I know, growing up without adad after nine, 10 years old so
my brother was four or five whenhe passed away Coaches were a
huge, huge father figure type inin my brother's lives.
Life, oh yeah.
And he played sports almostevery year and the coaches just
(14:32):
took him in.
They were just so sweet andhelpful to my mom, who was a
single mom, like they justrecognized we need to step in
and not just be coach but mentorhim, and I believe that is a
big reason why he's sosuccessful today.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Oh, yeah, I definitely co-signed that, that
effort, you know, and that'sagain why we also jumped into uh
, helping youth out, yeah, andand seeing ourselves a part of a
teenage and middle school, highschool kids, you know just to
be mentors and make sure thatthey chose the right path and
(15:14):
had, uh, someone to talk to, ifnothing else.
And when I say that, you know,children always want someone to
talk to and the streets arealways there to listen, to give
them horrible, awful advice andgive them a place of belonging,
(15:34):
yeah, right, yeah.
And so it takes strongindividuals and I'm not touting
and tooting our own horn.
What I'm simply saying is that,if you recognize that, that's
the best thing you could ever dois just be there for them to
have a place to go talk tosomeone, someone to you know.
Um, when I said, give advice,guys, we're, we're talking about
(15:59):
the simplest of the simplestthings.
Should I join a gang?
No, one person says no, youshouldn't here.
Here's why.
And you prevent some young,impressionable child from
joining the gang and ruiningtheir lives.
Yeah, I was out with my friendsthe other night and they were
(16:20):
drinking.
They're 14 years old.
What do you think aboutdrinking?
It's a simple answer, and theseare the questions that kids are
asking, and sometimes they havepeople at home, sometimes they
don't.
But it's just, you know, youbeing in the middle, I want to
segue out of something intosomething else, and then we'll
(16:40):
jump back on track.
Uh, we just released our fourthbook, which is kelly kenga, and
so someone already said to mewell, where, where's the father?
And the father was left out ofthe writing on purpose, but the
father is very much so present.
So just know there's afollow-up to that.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I love that sneak peek and the background behind
that book.
By the way, it's called KellyKinga and I believe it's
officially released on Father'sDay.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
On Father's Day On Amazon.
There you go yeah, so reallyexcited about that story and I'm
working on a direct releasefrom the website so you can go
on there and order as well.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, and that website is, for those who don't
know, fuzzy furry forestcomperfect.
So before I go on to the nexttopic around fatherhood, you
know that 49% of us learn how todrive from our dads, and then
43% of us learn basic repairs.
(17:42):
I wish I had learned drivingfrom my dad, because I just
thought he was such a great.
I thought dad was great ateverything, but both our dads
are no longer here.
Cray, what's something that youreally feel like you've learned
from him and you still carrywith you today?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
man.
It's so much jen.
Yeah, and you know, as a, as ayounger man, you go through
these things where you havethese resentments, you have
these issues about dad and aboutwhy this and why not that, and
as you get older you're like oh,dad was really trying to just
(18:20):
hold things together, dad wasreally working hard to just keep
peace in the home, because we alot of times we think it's mom
keeping the peace, but reallydad's keeping the peace by
either not saying something, notover responding to something,
because he could really go overthe top about some things or
(18:42):
just simply saying you know what?
It's not that bad, right.
And that's where I just learnedso much from him.
I watched my mom egg him on alittle bit and he's like no, no,
no, you got to let the boy growup, he's just a boy, let him be
a boy.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
So yeah, I learned a lot of things that, of course
driving, of course car repair,changing oil, changing the tire,
how to paint paint, how to mowa lawn I mean the simplest of
simple things that now play sucha huge role in my life today
absolutely, um, you know, I justam reminded of something I love
(19:25):
when listeners give give usadvice, because it's sound
advice.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
By the way, these stats aren't anything I made up.
Let me go ahead and give ashout out to some websites that
I looked up for this.
So new york post gave the funfacts.
There's really cool um websitesout there, like fatherhoodorg
um, I love this onekiddoswithdadcom so just check
(19:53):
those out.
They're all over and they'rejust so great, especially when a
father is absent.
Parentscom, right.
So those are my plugins, allright.
So let's talk about, as acommunity, how we can uplift the
father-child relationships, howwe can uplift the father-child
(20:13):
relationships.
Corey, I know that you are sopassionate about men and how
their role and who they are haschanged throughout time.
Do you want to share a littlebit about that?
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Absolutely.
You know it's done subtly, butI have to be a realist on this,
and so I'm not trying to offendanyone or make anyone feel like
I'm pointing fingers at you inparticular, but the system has
slowly taken away the male roleout of the household, and it's
(20:46):
troubling.
Years ago we pointed out well,I pointed out to you in the
supermarket that all the imageson the magazines were these
incredibly strong looking womenand there were no men to be seen
, and I knew, right then they'retransitioning the men out of
(21:08):
the household and building thewoman up.
I get it, women are strong,women can do some things that
men just cannot do, and Iapplaud that all day and all
night.
But you never want to remove themasculinity or the man out of
the household, and I heard thisword is very troubling toxic
(21:29):
masculinity.
You're ultimately saying thatmalehood is toxic, and that's
just not true.
There's no toxins inmasculinity or even being
masculine, you know, um?
So I I'm an advocate forpushing men to do the right
thing, say the right thing,being the right thing, say the
(21:50):
right thing being the rightthing, being in the right places
, taking care of family, familyfirst, and there's many ways you
can take care of family withoutit being solely monetary, and
so I just really advocate forthat.
You know, men in the household,men raising children, men
(22:13):
cooking and cleaning, not beingthe wife but being the husband,
a strong husband or a strongfather, and you can be one
without being the other one, butit takes a man to do both of
them.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Yeah, I know that's not the messaging that a lot of
people want to hear, but thatthat's for me, that's from me
well, I think that's importantand I think we need to have more
of these spaces because, as awoman, I feel that when we do
uplift or elevate manhood,masculinity, the importance of
(22:53):
having a father, the importanceof the husband and wife
relationship, sometimes womenact like are you saying I can't
do it on my own, we don't needto go there.
We're just saying it's strongerand better where there are two
right and that there's a placeand a need for a man in the
(23:13):
family dynamics.
And I'm with you, corey.
I'd love to see that come backbecause, being without a dad, I
know what I missed out on.
I am very aware, and so am I,an advocate for fathers and
those who play the father role.
Absolutely Anywhere where wecan fill that gap is so
(23:35):
important.
So we want to just talk aboutthe community at large and how
we can lift that up.
So there are so many things outthere.
Did you know that there'sfather support groups?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And I know that I, as a woman,will join a support group in a
(23:58):
heartbeat, like that is, likeit's something I need, whether
the support be my friend or myfriends, or there's.
Oh, there's something going onhere for women, let's join.
What is that like for a man?
I just don't hear men talkingabout that much.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
It's nothing like that.
As a matter of fact, men willshy away from groups like that
and trying to join anythingthat's supporting manhood.
Number one it's a littlestrange for us because we feel
like, oh, you're trying to askme about what I do or why I do
it, so there's that aspect of it.
(24:33):
Then you have the man that'slike I don't have time to go sit
down and talk about my feelingsand my emotions.
I have one feeling and oneemotion.
I just want to get the workdone.
And then you have the men thatyou know we were a lot of men
were just raised different.
They were raised to just go out, do what you got to do, and if
(24:54):
you need to talk to someoneabout it, you might call mom,
you might call your brother oryou might just call your best
friend and you know that'senough.
And you don't want to complaintoo much, because then men look
at you like, oh, you'recomplaining too much, but we're
getting to a space now, jan,where we're more open to talking
, we're more accepting of agroup.
(25:15):
So yeah, I've noticed that aswell.
Yeah, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
There's another fatherhood program I ran into
called All Pro Dad.
That's pretty cool and I thinkit's important that as a
community, we host inclusivefather events, so like, for
example, when we worked withyouth community.
We host inclusive father events, so like, for example, when we
worked with youth.
Remember we did the father,daughter dance, oh yeah, and it
wasn't just like, oh, come intothe hall and dance.
(25:41):
It was a dance that wasrehearsed and there were steps,
and then it was just beautifulbecause every father, daughter
was highlighted as their solodance and then everyone together
was so choreographed it was, itwas beautiful.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
It was cool because you know what it did.
Is it allowed for men to comeout of their comfort zone?
Number one, but also not to beembarrassed.
Because I'm representing mydaughter and I'm going to do
something fun with her and forher, because all the daughters
were so excited to be dancingwith their fathers and it was
(26:22):
incredible.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
They really were.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, I had a blast on that.
That was a beautiful event.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
And then seeing these events at schools, parks,
libraries right Communitycenters huge.
I'm a big advocate.
I love, love, love that men getpaid paternity leave.
That was not a thing when I wasyounger, so when I heard that I
was like what?
Like that's amazing, and theyget baby bonding time and
everything.
(26:48):
So I think that flexibility atthe work to honor the man's
place in the family is soimportant.
Um, I also would love to seelike an elevation of fatherhood
in media and social media.
I see that quite a bit now inreels, yeah, um, and just the
sharing of positive dad storiesand just getting it out there.
(27:11):
Because if, if we're gonnascroll, I hope we see more
positive fatherhood and childmoments yeah, I mean, we've seen
our fair share of daddy downervideos yeah so we need to see
the uplifting of the fathers,for sure.
(27:31):
So we're going to close this out, and I think what I'd really
love to share is that everyfather deserves recognition and
every child deserves love andsupport.
So thank you to those men whoare doing that for your children
, for children that you know andwork with.
What a blessing you are.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Indeed.
Speaker 1 (27:53):
Yeah, so call to action elevators.
Think a father figure today.
Think about volunteering inprograms that uplift dads and
kids.
If there isn't one, maybeyou're the one who's going to
start that right.
Just light a fire, set thatspark.
We'd love.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
If you'd like to share a positive fatherhood
story, tag us and we'd like tocatch it on your instagram and
that way we can connect there,yeah, and for me I just want to
say it is okay to hold your headup high and stick your chest
out a little bit, because youknow you're a good father and
you're doing a good job and,whether anyone tells you or not,
(28:34):
I'm telling you You're doing agreat job.
Keep it up, bro.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
That's right.
So I read this quote UnknownAnyone can be a father, but it
takes someone special to be adad.
So happy dad's day and you knowus to take the elevator.
We say look up and let'selevate.
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