August 25, 2025 • 38 mins
Have you ever wondered why certain situations trigger such strong emotional reactions in you? The answer often lies buried in past trauma that's resurfacing in unexpected ways.
Gen and Kory share their personal journeys, delving into the intricate connection between trauma and triggers. They bravely recount how their own past pain influenced their behaviors, relationships, and even parenting styles. Kory's story of healing from childhood bullying, which later became triggers in professional settings, and Gen's experience of her trauma imposing unnecessary limitations on her children, are both profoundly moving and relatable.
The hosts explore critical questions like: How do we differentiate between what's real in the present moment versus what's leftover from our past? What happens when we stop expecting others to understand or accommodate our triggers? And how might reframing our perspective on triggering situations lead to personal growth?
Whether you're grappling with your own triggers or supporting someone who is, this episode offers compassionate insights and practical tools for breaking free from the grip of trauma. Gen and Kory stress that while your trauma may have influenced you, it doesn't have to dictate your future. The episode equips you with actionable steps to transform your relationship with past pain.
Ready to take the first step towards healing and transform your relationship with past pain? Tune in now to this insightful episode.
Look up, and let's elevate.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hey, it's Jen the Builder, and.
Corey and we're on Take theElevator and I'm wondering if
you all can tell that I'msmiling on take the elevator.
And I'm wondering if you allcan tell that I'm smiling and
the reason why I say that is Itook a refresher on a customer
experience type, of course, andit just reminded me that they
(00:37):
say to smile when you speak,even if someone can't see you,
because your smile can be seeneven if over the phone or on a
podcast.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I like it.
I like it a lot.
As a matter of fact, you knowwhat, when you're smiling, it
gives off an energy, so I'm surethat that's something that's
really, really true, jen.
It's been really hot.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
You're making my smile go away.
It has been super hot.
Strange for California to haveheat like this, with a certain
level of humidity andthunderstorms.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yeah, yeah, we did have that, huh.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
And then a couple weeks ago we had an earthquake,
mm-hmm, and it was a pretty badshaker there.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Mm-hmm no pun intended.
Right.
So I don't know if it's goingto cool down.
So I don't know if it's goingto cool down.
I have a feeling that here inSouthern California, people are
going to be dressed up forwhat's coming real soon.
Here is Halloween, and they'regoing to be super duper hot
under all that makeup andcostuming.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Yeah, probably so, but you know what?
That's the cool thing aboutCalifornia You're going to get
some of the seasonal weather oneway or another, even if people,
because you know what happens.
It gets just a little bit coldand all the women break out in
boots like overnight oh yeah, wecan't wait for that especially.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
I'm gonna speak for all women in Southern California
.
We love the moment weatherchanges so we can layer our
clothing and wear boots, in fact, over the weekend.
Here's some of my highlightsover the weekend.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
This is where it gets funny.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
I ordered two pairs of cowboy boots.
But get this, ladies, you canbe excited for me and I thank
you in advance.
Have, uh, shop.
It toured quite a bit.
Um, and they have what theycall hot cash, and then it's
almost my birthday, so I get agift for that.
And on top of that, their bootswere on clearance.
(02:58):
So I literally yeah, Iliterally spent $4 on a pair of
black cowboy boots.
That is so not fair $4.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
That is not fair.
Ah, life is not fair, this istrue, I would love to spend $4
on a pair of shoes, because youknow what I ended up paying for
shoes.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
So you just want to not talk about that.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Okay, okay, not talk about that, not at all, okay,
okay.
So I love that we're havingthese conversations and there's
certain things that we talkabout that, unbeknownst to
anyone else, can be a trigger orremind us of trauma that we've
had yes right absolutely um, Ican.
(03:45):
For example, I can connectreally quick when we were
younger parents and goingthrough the struggle.
Remember we talked about this acouple weeks ago that today we
don't take things for grantedlike being able to buy a pair of
shoes when we want to much lessneed to right.
Remember, remember, we hadthree kids growing up at the
(04:07):
same time and growing out oftheir shoes so quickly and it
was a challenge for us to getnew shoes at times.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
And so that can be very much a trigger because it
was traumatic, right.
So that's what we're going totalk about today.
We're going to talk aboutsomething deeply personal, yet
universal, and it's trauma andtriggers, and I'm just going to
start off with the truth thatwe're bringing forward here for
elevation, and please stay withus.
(04:39):
We can talk through this, buthere it is.
People don't need to carry orremember our trauma, right,
right, it's not their job.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
At the end of the day and at the beginning of a
beautiful life, if we can dothis, it's ours to manage,
understand and grow from yeahand I want to start with this
from my side of things, jim if,if this is a subject or a
podcast that may trigger youbecause we're going to be
talking about some prettypersonal things that happen to
(05:14):
us or that trigger us and so ifthese things trigger you or they
give you some kind of feeling,I'm just going to ask you to.
If you need to take a break,please take a break.
If you are feeling emotionalabout it, it's okay.
I actually went through thiswhile having this, when I had to
(05:37):
have this conversation with Jen, first because I needed to talk
through some of the trauma thatI've experienced as a kid and
then as a young adult and thenas an adult, and it's a real
thing, and I'm shocked at allthe things that came out.
But yeah, I want to share thisstuff with you guys.
I want to be transparent and Iwant you guys to buckle in and
(06:03):
get what you need out of thisconversation absolutely, and I
want to thank you in advance,cory, for just being so open
during this episode.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
you and I have had conversations about some of your
past traumas, um, but for youto just share it here, to
connect with people, listening,is something so noteworthy.
So one of the things, thereason why this episode came to
me, is number one.
(06:33):
I was listening to an audibleversion of Mel Robbins book let
them, the let them theory andshe had mentioned something and
it just opened my mind and Iremembered certain things.
So I remember that, because Ihadn't healed or let go of my
(06:54):
trauma, that my children,mckayla, nathan, specifically,
um, sometimes had to carry theweight of my childhood
experiences, right.
So that's interesting.
Because I'm the adult, I'm theparent, and yet because I was
(07:19):
behaving and living off mytrauma and using that as a
justification for my behavior,my kids learned my trauma and
carried that with them, andthat's a hard thing to confess.
Tell me about it, you know it'slike wow, I did that, and there
(07:45):
was some suffering around that,for sure, and healing that
needed to take place.
And I think, before we gofurther, corey, I just want to
say that what we hope for todayin this episode, is healing the
beginnings of that and justconversation around it.
(08:05):
Yeah, yeah.
So let's talk about trauma realquick.
We want to define this just incase.
The trauma is a wound from thepast, right, and the trigger is
the reaction we experience inthe present when that wound is
touched, so that wound has beenreactivated, and then we react
(08:27):
accordingly.
So, corey, I'm going to ask youif you can think of an example
for us where something that wasdone in good intention was
interpreted as somethingnegative because of past trauma
was interpreted as somethingnegative because of past trauma.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Sure, so I'll say it like this what I continue to
always experience and I dealwith trauma a totally different
way now than I used to in mypast happens that makes it
really sensitive is whenleadership doesn't listen to
advice or suggestions that Igive.
(09:10):
I know you're a part of aleadership group and so I'm
dancing around some probablysensitive things with you, and
if anyone out there is inleadership, I'm not trying to
trigger anyone or bring up anytrauma, but that's one of the
things that really bring forththat moment of angst.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, I'll tell you what it does for me, corey, and
I can't wait to hear yourelaboration on that, but I want
to share with you what it doesfor me is I don't get defensive
for all leadership because,let's be real, we're human and
flawed, and I know, and I'veseen things for myself too.
(09:55):
So what it does is it makes mesad.
You know it can be frustratingtoo, right?
Just because of my value ofbeing a leader is so important.
So, yeah, it's just sad to hearwhen people experience negative
events because of a leader'sbehavior and I want to say this
(10:21):
we don't know if it'sintentional or not.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
No, we don't.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
What the awareness level is there?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Right, okay, so yeah, that's a sensitive area from
the trauma that I experienced asa younger person.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
When they don't listen to you.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
What is it about that that?
What is that trigger?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So I'd have to go back into the actual experience
so that you'll have a betterunderstanding, because it
actually has nothing to do withthe workplace.
It has to do with just growingup and experiencing being a
child and being bullied andactually telling someone that's
(11:04):
in authority this is what'shappening and they dismiss it as
it's just kid stuff.
It's just the way kids are andyou'll get over it.
You'll grow up and it happensto everyone, or it's not as big
of a deal as you're making it.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Right, so they make it less than what it is to you.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Right.
So what happened to me was itbegan to translate in other ways
.
A lot of times people don'tunderstand that what you're
doing today has something to dowith what happened to this
person many, many years ago.
You're just not seeing thebeginnings of it.
(11:47):
You're seeing a result of itlong-term.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Right, right.
So when that particularsituation happened with that
leader, how did you respond onceit activated that trigger?
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Well, when I was not dealing with the trauma properly
, I responded in anger Like didyou not hear what I'm saying?
I'm talking to you, I'm tellingyou there's something going on,
there's something wrong, peopleneed help, people need to be
seen, and so, of course, thatreaction is overreaction from
(12:28):
past hurt, past pain and me notunderstanding how to get a
message across, but feeling likeI'm an adult now.
So you should be listening tome, you should be hearing what
I'm telling you.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Okay, and so you mentioned that.
That's what your reaction wasbefore the healing.
So can you talk to us aboutwhat it took to heal and release
the trauma.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Oh, my, yeah.
Now, that was a journey thattook some time, effort, energy,
counseling, long conversations,trying to understand where this
originally started.
Was it this, was it that youknow?
(13:15):
And when I say this, like youknow, you can go back into your
past and try to figure outexactly when the bullying
started or who was the bullythat really pushed you over the
edge, and sometimes that'shelpful.
For me, it wasn't so helpful.
What was more helpful to me wasto talk my way through what I
(13:37):
was feeling, and I was justangry because I didn't have any
allies, I didn't have anyone Icould just go to and say help me
, let me help me get past thisWalk with me from point A to
point B, so I don't have to bein fear or remove this from me,
(13:57):
so I don't have to be in fear.
And so again, a lot of talking,a lot of counseling, a lot of
understanding that it wasn't myfault, and a lot of times I was
saying it's my fault If I had ahad, if I only had a brother, if
(14:21):
I only had some cousins, if Ionly had you know, you have all
these rationales that you thinkwould solve the problem, but
then you hear of stories fromtalking to people that they had
plenty of brothers, they hadplenty of cousins they had, and
sometimes the cousins andbrothers were the bullies so you
know, it just is you reallystart thinking like, well, that
(14:43):
wouldn't have helped, uh, thatwouldn't have worked.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
But you know, yeah, it was a lot of talk, a lot of
counseling, um, some therapy, uh, and and yes, I'm a big
proponent for therapy-definitely yeah so important and
I love what you were sayingabout, along with therapy and
counseling is there's a lot ofself-talk, and I was just
(15:07):
reading this article that saidpeople who talk out loud or are
in dialogue with themselves isvery healthy.
It actually preventsalzheimer's and dementia.
Oh wow, to talk things out,because you're not ignoring them
, right, you're bringing thingsto light.
(15:28):
So another thing that stuck outto me as you were saying what
you were saying is that owningour triggers doesn't mean
ignoring the trauma.
So you intentionally putyourself in a space where you
had to it sounds like reliveyour trauma.
(15:49):
Who's who?
You started blaming self, andso healing from trauma is the
opposite of self-doubt,self-blame, and it goes into
that space of compassion forself.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yeah of compassion for self, yeah, understanding
that you did not cause people toact the way they did, right.
And I just want to be clearthat was not one of my first
steps to healing.
Uh, one of my steps that wasn'thealing but I thought was going
(16:25):
to be a solution.
I'll grow up, I'll get biggerand whoever I find gets a punch
in the mouth right, I'll getthem, I'll show, I'll get them,
I'll show them and they'll learntheir lesson.
And you, quickly, if you'retalking this through, you're
saying that won't teach anybodyanything.
As a matter of fact, it's goingto get me in trouble, it's
(16:49):
going to have me in a really badspace and and trying to figure
out why did I do this?
I knew that wasn't the answer.
Now look at what I've done.
I've created another problemand I'm still dealing with this
trauma.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Right, so it's got the ripple effect.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
So it's interesting as we're talking, you have
pretty much.
You're on this road and hereyou are.
Your trauma is in your face andright now you have the decision
to continue to carry it withyou and maybe expect people to
know that it's a part of you andthey respond, or they get to
choose how to be there for you,or you take the other road,
(17:39):
where you face it and you let itgo.
Now, by letting it go, we'renot saying that it didn't happen
.
No, not at all.
Corey, you were talking to meand I love the analogy, as we
were talking about what to dowith past trauma.
Do you remember what you said?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
I do and, if it's okay, I'll briefly go through
that again, but I'll tell you indetail how I realize I have to
do something about this yeah um,too many times you're.
You're reenacting the same thingover and over and over.
(18:21):
You know all the triggers, youknow all the positions, you see
all the candidates or players,characters, whatever you want to
call it and you're like, oh myGod, I'm right back in that
neighborhood doing the samething all over again.
So what I did as an adult,after dealing with my trauma, my
(18:46):
triggers and talking it through, I went back to that
neighborhood, I drove over thereby myself and I vowed to bury
it.
I took it to a space, aphysical space and a mental
space okay where this was.
This is now the graveyard ofthis trauma and I dug a hole, a
(19:11):
mental hole, a physical hole,and it's not mine.
I'm not carrying this anymore.
Those people, those, thoseactions, those words and I mean
when you talk about bullying,especially in the community I
(19:32):
grew up in, it was very physical, it was very emotional and it
was attached to family.
It was attached to me as aperson, who I was going to be,
what my destiny was, you know.
So I had to bury all that stuffand walk away and not look back
and know that's where it is.
I'm not going back to it, I'mnot going to entertain it
(19:54):
anymore and those conversationsare over.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Wow, that is such an intentional way of being for you
to figure out.
I need to go to that place andphysically go to manifest this
healing and let it be a real,actual, tangible space.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
And I was an emotional wreck.
So I just want to be reallyclear about that.
That was not a happy moment forme where I was smiling and
laughing and singing songs.
A lot of tears, a lot ofgut-wrenching truth about who I
am as a person.
You know, some people carrythat with them so long that they
(20:38):
turn into someone else.
I didn't want it to change me.
I didn't want it to be thething that broke me.
I already had so many differentthings going against me that
adding one, two, three morethings could really alter the
person that I knew I wassupposed to be.
(20:58):
So I needed to be able to moveon from that and if you know me,
you'll know I'm purposefullydifferent.
When high stress, high tensioncomes about, I change my
demeanor on purpose because Iknow what I could do.
But that's not going to helpanyone, right?
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Yeah, right.
So even though you've buried itin the present, there are still
moments that trigger you rightor activate you.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
So what do you do in those instances instead of
overreacting?
How do you control that?
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Let me start with this.
I never just speak, especiallywhen I'm angry.
I always think before I speak.
A lot of times I'll take a deepbreath on purpose, I'll give
myself five seconds, sometimes10, depending on the level of
(22:05):
anger that's coming about, andI'm attempting to reduce anger
number one.
Number two to have a clearthought, opposed to just saying
whatever's on my mind.
I never just say what's on mymind.
Very few people have ever justheard Corey's thoughts raw and
unfiltered.
I'm a high filter individualand I'm careful about how I
(22:29):
respond to people.
careful about how I respond topeople.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
I'm not trying to hurt anyone or responding in
anger.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Right, and I can attest to that because we've
been together for decades andwhen you and I first got
together, we didn't talk so muchabout the details of our past
trauma, talk so much about thedetails of her past trauma.
Right, I had did not realize,actually, that you were bullied
till we were way into ourrelationship like this was not
(23:02):
anything I discovered in thefirst eight years of our
marriage.
Honestly, yeah and so I thinkabout all the times where my way
of communicating could havebeen seen as bullying, or my
desire demand to do the thingnow.
(23:31):
Why aren't you doing this now,did you so?
You didn't expect me to knowthe landmine.
I was stepping in and I thinkthat's where I'm going, because
I've been in that place and Idon't know.
If you have cory with peoplewhere they carry their trauma,
they let it be known.
(23:52):
They don't give the details,just let they let it be known.
And you're walking on eggshellsbecause you don't know if what
you're saying or how you'rebehaving is going to activate
them or trigger them, right,right.
So again, here we are on thisroad and we can go one of two
(24:14):
ways, and I say that the one waywhere you bury it, where you
deal with it, where yourecognize the things that
trigger you, right, that'simportant too.
So you, you've, like you almosthave like this plan okay, this
is what I know triggers me, andhow am I going to process this?
(24:36):
Right, how am I going to react?
So I'm going to be come aware,I'm going to pause.
I have a choice.
Like you said, I you filter likeintensely right.
So, on the left side of thisroad.
You bury it.
It brings healing, and what itactually does is it gives you
power.
And I'm saying this from a verypersonal space, because if you
(24:57):
choose to carry it, you give upyour power, and the trauma that
took that power away to beginwith continues to be this
massive ripple effect that nowhas taken over your life, your
relationships, your way ofthinking and the way you move
through life.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Yeah, and Ken, you just nailed that on the head,
because pretty much what'shappening is, every time you're
triggered and that traumasurfaces, you're able to unload
it.
So you're able to set it downfor a second, yeah, and in that
moment, after unloading which isusually some kind of act that
you're doing you feel really,really good.
(25:37):
But then you got to go pickthat trauma up all over again
and it's even heavier and you'remore tired more weakened
because you keep on dealing withthis thing.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
That's happening over and over and over and now
because you have that bias ofokay, this is what triggers me,
like everything that people donow is a trigger yeah right,
because that's what you'relooking for.
So I'm just going to share frommy personal story that I shared
earlier on in this episode,what I was doing, because I
(26:14):
decided not to heal from it, notto bury it is.
It took the freedom of my kidsto live their lives.
This is going to sound funnyand I'm going to share one of
them.
I did not let Kayla go into astore by herself or go to the
(26:38):
restroom without one minutepublic restroom without one
minute passing, and her brotherswould check on her to make sure
she was okay, it's.
It's sad that you know it's goahead.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Just just say it, don't filter no, it's sad, but
it's um understandable and I'llexplain that.
I'm not justifying any behaviorright now, but what I'm saying
is that parents have to do somethings that they really don't
want to do, and that's adifferent kind of trauma,
(27:12):
because now you're, you're,you're in protection mode, fight
or flight, you're, you'rebasically relying on those
instincts that will keep yousafe, keep your children safe.
It's just a, it's a differentscenario when it opposed to when
it's something directly withyou.
So, um did, did the boys feel alittle bit some kind of way
(27:36):
like man, like this girl can'teven go to the bathroom yes, yes
, and I'm so glad that youstepped in and I what.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
I love that you did for me, because here's where
people don't have to carry.
You didn't carry my trauma, butyou were my support.
Yeah Right, two differentthings.
And so you said you weaned meinto this process.
You said it's just Ralph's,she's going to pick up a couple
of things.
We're going to have her go inthere, pay for it.
(28:08):
She'll be fine, come out.
If she's not out, let's say 15minutes, I'll check on her.
If she's not out, let's say 15minutes, I'll check on her.
And then in the 15 minutes thatwe're in the car, you kept me
occupied with conversation.
It was light, it was easy.
She came out and then I'm like,oh okay, it wasn't bad.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Right.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
And so that's how he took those steps to healing
right, and so that's how he tookthose steps to healing.
And then I started to see howconfining my trauma was on our
kids, right, you know.
And then you just realizethey've got to be freed from
this and this isn't fair andit's not fair to me to because
(28:52):
that's not compassion on myselfto keep carrying it Right, right
.
So yeah, thank you for that.
It was good, it was really good, and I don't think it took that
long either.
That was the interesting thing.
I thought it was going to takeme years to be able to take back
this and walk in faith, andthat was a big thing, like I was
not leaning into in faith, andthat was a big thing, like I was
(29:14):
not leaning into my faith.
It was the one thing, or thetwo things, that I needed to
hold on to, because I needcontrol of this or else it could
go really wrong.
Right.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
And I realized I'm not in control of anyone and
nothing at all times.
That's just, that's impossible,yeah Right.
So what I learned is theimplications of this is that
when you take the road to heal,to let go, to seek counseling
(29:48):
and therapy understanding thisis going to take time, having
compassion on on yourself,putting things into place that
are going to help you processand and rise above a trigger is
that you get to experiencehealthier relationships.
There's less miscommunication,right, right, you're, you're
(30:11):
seeing, you're you're heard,other people are seen and heard,
and there's more peace.
I can't even begin to describehow chaotic and how just you're
always in fear.
That is not a way to live no,it's not.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
And I just want to jump in there and say you know,
there's always more to the storythat is going on for other
people while you're in thedepths or in the grip of your
trauma.
And so I'm going to connect whyI was so triggered by leaders
because I was thinking thatthere was something that could
(30:54):
be done immediately.
There's an answer, there's asolution somewhere in here.
What I wasn't taking intoconsideration is that there's
other things happening, there'sother moving parts to what I'm
asking them to do or what I'mexpecting of them, and why
they're not able to respond inthe way I want them to.
(31:15):
And sometimes they didn't wantto respond, maybe because of the
way I was even bringing it tothem.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
Yeah.
So I have to say that I wassmiling on my face, like I did
in the beginning of this episode, because I love that
perspective.
When we're working with otherpeople and we have these
expectations and they fail tomeet them and we don't look at
what we know is fact and truthand then we make things up and
(31:49):
don't exercise compassion onthem.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Right, right yeah.
Saying like there's clearly,clearly I don't know everything
here there's got to be somethingyeah, I think, and I'm not sure
who came up with it first, butwe had to start asking each
other what else could be truethe ah question.
What story are you tellingyourself?
(32:14):
Yeah, and this happens so oftenbecause we have situations at
work, at home, with our friends,with our children, and things
are said and we just createdthis entire scenario, this
(32:35):
entire story based on, a lot oftimes, our trauma, and so this
story that's living in our headsrent free has been created.
It wasn't what really happened.
And then if you ever go backand have that conversation, as I
have, and said, hey, were youthinking this, what is this?
What was really going on?
Did you, did you feel this way?
(32:57):
And that person is like whatare you talking about?
Right I just said I couldn't doit right now.
I had every intentions on doingit, but where'd the rest of
that come from?
Speaker 1 (33:11):
yeah, it reminds me of you know, with my recent
transition in my career.
Um, my, my boss says justchecking to make sure that you
still want to do this, right?
I pause.
My story was does she not wantme?
There is she.
(33:31):
Is she like trying to get me tosay no?
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I don't yes, exactly.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
And can you?
What, what like?
Why would that even be a thing?
So the way you buried yourtrauma, the bullying cory, I
want to say that there, um, issomething that actually my boss
does, that I have not yetexperienced, but she's worked
with groups where there's arelease of old stories, or we
(33:59):
could say, in this case mayberelease of the, the old trauma,
and people would write it down,right, and they take the paper
um, acknowledge it, let it goand then physically they rip the
paper up in pieces and theyeither burn it like there's a
(34:19):
bonfire going or this one'sreally cool they have a pot,
soil or ground and soil.
They bury it, drop new seedsand let that spring forth, right
, new life.
So it's releasing the old,burying it and expecting new
life.
So it's releasing the old,bearing it, man, I'm telling you
, expecting new life it's a realthing.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
It's a real thing to let it go and bury it.
And yes, I wrote it down and Iwent through all the prompts and
it was hard.
It was very difficult because,let's be honest, we don't want
to bury trauma sometimes.
Sometimes that's my trauma,that's what I'm used to carrying
around.
That's what I'm used to dealingwith.
(34:59):
I'm not letting that go.
I need this.
This anger is helping me getthrough day to day, but is it
really?
Or is it breaking you down?
Is it hurting you?
Is it removing your joy?
Is it making people look at youin another light?
And that's what I had tofinally come to grips with.
Like, how are people viewing mewhen I'm acting this way?
(35:23):
And it was embarrassing when Ibegan to play it back and really
listen to what my mouth wasallowing me to be viewed as you
know and I say it because wehear what we say and we're like
oh my God, did I really just saythat?
(35:43):
Did I really just go there?
Yeah, are those words reallycoming out of my mouth?
And yes, they were, and I, andso I have to take accountability
for that for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
So one of the tools that we'd like to add here.
We've given quite a few, andthat this isn't the full list.
There's so much more there.
But speaking of and what elsecould be true, here's a great
question for reframing what'sreal in this moment so real is
(36:19):
the operative word here versuswhat's left over from the past.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Right.
So what's real in this momentand what's left over from the
past?
Make this real when my bossasks you know, oh, do you still
want to come over to this team?
Um, leftover from the past wastraumatizing events of rejection
from when I was younger.
Yeah, and it's amazing howthose things creep up.
(36:47):
And having conversations likethis gives me awareness.
Oh man, that trauma, thatpost-trauma of being rejected,
is there, although I've buriedit, I've forgiven it, but again,
it does not mean it didn'thappen, no, and there's still
(37:08):
residue.
Speaker 2 (37:08):
but reframing is important and I'll tell you.
You said that my immediate uhemotion was like oh, you're
checking on me, you want me thatbad, all right.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Yeah, oh, I love that .
What a beautiful way to thinkof that.
Oh, you don't want to lose me,right?
You want to make sure I'm a forsure thing.
There you go, okay.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
See, that's beautiful , thank you.
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
Thank you.
Yeah, see, that's beautiful.
Thank you absolutely.
Thank you, um, cory.
It's almost 40 minutes, oh mygosh, uh.
But I just again want to thankyou for sharing your story and
for letting me share mineabsolutely and um again.
We want to just tell everybodyour friends, fellow elevators,
if this brought anything up foryou.
There's so many resources outthere for help.
Hopefully you have support, butlet's choose to take that path
(38:09):
of healing Because you deservethat.
You deserve peace, you deservehealthy relationships with other
people and yourself.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Yeah, you do.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
Well, you know us to take the elevator.
We say, look up and let'selevate, elevate every day.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
Elevate every day.
Elevate every day.
Hey, it's Jen the Builder, and.
Corey and we're on Take theElevator and I'm wondering if
you all can tell that I'msmiling on take the elevator.
And I'm wondering if you allcan tell that I'm smiling and
the reason why I say that is Itook a refresher on a customer
experience type, of course, andit just reminded me that they
(00:37):
say to smile when you speak,even if someone can't see you,
because your smile can be seeneven if over the phone or on a
podcast.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I like it.
I like it a lot.
As a matter of fact, you knowwhat, when you're smiling, it
gives off an energy, so I'm surethat that's something that's
really, really true, jen.
It's been really hot.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
You're making my smile go away.
It has been super hot.
Strange for California to haveheat like this, with a certain
level of humidity andthunderstorms.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yeah, yeah, we did have that, huh.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
And then a couple weeks ago we had an earthquake,
mm-hmm, and it was a pretty badshaker there.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Mm-hmm no pun intended.
Right.
So I don't know if it's goingto cool down.
So I don't know if it's goingto cool down.
I have a feeling that here inSouthern California, people are
going to be dressed up forwhat's coming real soon.
Here is Halloween, and they'regoing to be super duper hot
under all that makeup andcostuming.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Yeah, probably so, but you know what?
That's the cool thing aboutCalifornia You're going to get
some of the seasonal weather oneway or another, even if people,
because you know what happens.
It gets just a little bit coldand all the women break out in
boots like overnight oh yeah, wecan't wait for that especially.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
I'm gonna speak for all women in Southern California
.
We love the moment weatherchanges so we can layer our
clothing and wear boots, in fact, over the weekend.
Here's some of my highlightsover the weekend.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
This is where it gets funny.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
I ordered two pairs of cowboy boots.
But get this, ladies, you canbe excited for me and I thank
you in advance.
Have, uh, shop.
It toured quite a bit.
Um, and they have what theycall hot cash, and then it's
almost my birthday, so I get agift for that.
And on top of that, their bootswere on clearance.
(02:58):
So I literally yeah, Iliterally spent $4 on a pair of
black cowboy boots.
That is so not fair $4.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
That is not fair.
Ah, life is not fair, this istrue, I would love to spend $4
on a pair of shoes, because youknow what I ended up paying for
shoes.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
So you just want to not talk about that.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Okay, okay, not talk about that, not at all, okay,
okay.
So I love that we're havingthese conversations and there's
certain things that we talkabout that, unbeknownst to
anyone else, can be a trigger orremind us of trauma that we've
had yes right absolutely um, Ican.
(03:45):
For example, I can connectreally quick when we were
younger parents and goingthrough the struggle.
Remember we talked about this acouple weeks ago that today we
don't take things for grantedlike being able to buy a pair of
shoes when we want to much lessneed to right.
Remember, remember, we hadthree kids growing up at the
(04:07):
same time and growing out oftheir shoes so quickly and it
was a challenge for us to getnew shoes at times.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
And so that can be very much a trigger because it
was traumatic, right.
So that's what we're going totalk about today.
We're going to talk aboutsomething deeply personal, yet
universal, and it's trauma andtriggers, and I'm just going to
start off with the truth thatwe're bringing forward here for
elevation, and please stay withus.
(04:39):
We can talk through this, buthere it is.
People don't need to carry orremember our trauma, right,
right, it's not their job.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
At the end of the day and at the beginning of a
beautiful life, if we can dothis, it's ours to manage,
understand and grow from yeahand I want to start with this
from my side of things, jim if,if this is a subject or a
podcast that may trigger youbecause we're going to be
talking about some prettypersonal things that happen to
(05:14):
us or that trigger us and so ifthese things trigger you or they
give you some kind of feeling,I'm just going to ask you to.
If you need to take a break,please take a break.
If you are feeling emotionalabout it, it's okay.
I actually went through thiswhile having this, when I had to
(05:37):
have this conversation with Jen, first because I needed to talk
through some of the trauma thatI've experienced as a kid and
then as a young adult and thenas an adult, and it's a real
thing, and I'm shocked at allthe things that came out.
But yeah, I want to share thisstuff with you guys.
I want to be transparent and Iwant you guys to buckle in and
(06:03):
get what you need out of thisconversation absolutely, and I
want to thank you in advance,cory, for just being so open
during this episode.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
you and I have had conversations about some of your
past traumas, um, but for youto just share it here, to
connect with people, listening,is something so noteworthy.
So one of the things, thereason why this episode came to
me, is number one.
(06:33):
I was listening to an audibleversion of Mel Robbins book let
them, the let them theory andshe had mentioned something and
it just opened my mind and Iremembered certain things.
So I remember that, because Ihadn't healed or let go of my
(06:54):
trauma, that my children,mckayla, nathan, specifically,
um, sometimes had to carry theweight of my childhood
experiences, right.
So that's interesting.
Because I'm the adult, I'm theparent, and yet because I was
(07:19):
behaving and living off mytrauma and using that as a
justification for my behavior,my kids learned my trauma and
carried that with them, andthat's a hard thing to confess.
Tell me about it, you know it'slike wow, I did that, and there
(07:45):
was some suffering around that,for sure, and healing that
needed to take place.
And I think, before we gofurther, corey, I just want to
say that what we hope for todayin this episode, is healing the
beginnings of that and justconversation around it.
(08:05):
Yeah, yeah.
So let's talk about trauma realquick.
We want to define this just incase.
The trauma is a wound from thepast, right, and the trigger is
the reaction we experience inthe present when that wound is
touched, so that wound has beenreactivated, and then we react
(08:27):
accordingly.
So, corey, I'm going to ask youif you can think of an example
for us where something that wasdone in good intention was
interpreted as somethingnegative because of past trauma
was interpreted as somethingnegative because of past trauma.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Sure, so I'll say it like this what I continue to
always experience and I dealwith trauma a totally different
way now than I used to in mypast happens that makes it
really sensitive is whenleadership doesn't listen to
advice or suggestions that Igive.
(09:10):
I know you're a part of aleadership group and so I'm
dancing around some probablysensitive things with you, and
if anyone out there is inleadership, I'm not trying to
trigger anyone or bring up anytrauma, but that's one of the
things that really bring forththat moment of angst.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, I'll tell you what it does for me, corey, and
I can't wait to hear yourelaboration on that, but I want
to share with you what it doesfor me is I don't get defensive
for all leadership because,let's be real, we're human and
flawed, and I know, and I'veseen things for myself too.
(09:55):
So what it does is it makes mesad.
You know it can be frustratingtoo, right?
Just because of my value ofbeing a leader is so important.
So, yeah, it's just sad to hearwhen people experience negative
events because of a leader'sbehavior and I want to say this
(10:21):
we don't know if it'sintentional or not.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
No, we don't.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
What the awareness level is there?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Right, okay, so yeah, that's a sensitive area from
the trauma that I experienced asa younger person.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
When they don't listen to you.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
What is it about that that?
What is that trigger?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So I'd have to go back into the actual experience
so that you'll have a betterunderstanding, because it
actually has nothing to do withthe workplace.
It has to do with just growingup and experiencing being a
child and being bullied andactually telling someone that's
(11:04):
in authority this is what'shappening and they dismiss it as
it's just kid stuff.
It's just the way kids are andyou'll get over it.
You'll grow up and it happensto everyone, or it's not as big
of a deal as you're making it.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Right, so they make it less than what it is to you.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Right.
So what happened to me was itbegan to translate in other ways
.
A lot of times people don'tunderstand that what you're
doing today has something to dowith what happened to this
person many, many years ago.
You're just not seeing thebeginnings of it.
(11:47):
You're seeing a result of itlong-term.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Right, right.
So when that particularsituation happened with that
leader, how did you respond onceit activated that trigger?
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Well, when I was not dealing with the trauma properly
, I responded in anger Like didyou not hear what I'm saying?
I'm talking to you, I'm tellingyou there's something going on,
there's something wrong, peopleneed help, people need to be
seen, and so, of course, thatreaction is overreaction from
(12:28):
past hurt, past pain and me notunderstanding how to get a
message across, but feeling likeI'm an adult now.
So you should be listening tome, you should be hearing what
I'm telling you.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Okay, and so you mentioned that.
That's what your reaction wasbefore the healing.
So can you talk to us aboutwhat it took to heal and release
the trauma.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Oh, my, yeah.
Now, that was a journey thattook some time, effort, energy,
counseling, long conversations,trying to understand where this
originally started.
Was it this, was it that youknow?
(13:15):
And when I say this, like youknow, you can go back into your
past and try to figure outexactly when the bullying
started or who was the bullythat really pushed you over the
edge, and sometimes that'shelpful.
For me, it wasn't so helpful.
What was more helpful to me wasto talk my way through what I
(13:37):
was feeling, and I was justangry because I didn't have any
allies, I didn't have anyone Icould just go to and say help me
, let me help me get past thisWalk with me from point A to
point B, so I don't have to bein fear or remove this from me,
(13:57):
so I don't have to be in fear.
And so again, a lot of talking,a lot of counseling, a lot of
understanding that it wasn't myfault, and a lot of times I was
saying it's my fault If I had ahad, if I only had a brother, if
(14:21):
I only had some cousins, if Ionly had you know, you have all
these rationales that you thinkwould solve the problem, but
then you hear of stories fromtalking to people that they had
plenty of brothers, they hadplenty of cousins they had, and
sometimes the cousins andbrothers were the bullies so you
know, it just is you reallystart thinking like, well, that
(14:43):
wouldn't have helped, uh, thatwouldn't have worked.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
But you know, yeah, it was a lot of talk, a lot of
counseling, um, some therapy, uh, and and yes, I'm a big
proponent for therapy-definitely yeah so important and
I love what you were sayingabout, along with therapy and
counseling is there's a lot ofself-talk, and I was just
(15:07):
reading this article that saidpeople who talk out loud or are
in dialogue with themselves isvery healthy.
It actually preventsalzheimer's and dementia.
Oh wow, to talk things out,because you're not ignoring them
, right, you're bringing thingsto light.
(15:28):
So another thing that stuck outto me as you were saying what
you were saying is that owningour triggers doesn't mean
ignoring the trauma.
So you intentionally putyourself in a space where you
had to it sounds like reliveyour trauma.
(15:49):
Who's who?
You started blaming self, andso healing from trauma is the
opposite of self-doubt,self-blame, and it goes into
that space of compassion forself.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yeah of compassion for self, yeah, understanding
that you did not cause people toact the way they did, right.
And I just want to be clearthat was not one of my first
steps to healing.
Uh, one of my steps that wasn'thealing but I thought was going
(16:25):
to be a solution.
I'll grow up, I'll get biggerand whoever I find gets a punch
in the mouth right, I'll getthem, I'll show, I'll get them,
I'll show them and they'll learntheir lesson.
And you, quickly, if you'retalking this through, you're
saying that won't teach anybodyanything.
As a matter of fact, it's goingto get me in trouble, it's
(16:49):
going to have me in a really badspace and and trying to figure
out why did I do this?
I knew that wasn't the answer.
Now look at what I've done.
I've created another problemand I'm still dealing with this
trauma.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Right, so it's got the ripple effect.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
So it's interesting as we're talking, you have
pretty much.
You're on this road and hereyou are.
Your trauma is in your face andright now you have the decision
to continue to carry it withyou and maybe expect people to
know that it's a part of you andthey respond, or they get to
choose how to be there for you,or you take the other road,
(17:39):
where you face it and you let itgo.
Now, by letting it go, we'renot saying that it didn't happen
.
No, not at all.
Corey, you were talking to meand I love the analogy, as we
were talking about what to dowith past trauma.
Do you remember what you said?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
I do and, if it's okay, I'll briefly go through
that again, but I'll tell you indetail how I realize I have to
do something about this yeah um,too many times you're.
You're reenacting the same thingover and over and over.
(18:21):
You know all the triggers, youknow all the positions, you see
all the candidates or players,characters, whatever you want to
call it and you're like, oh myGod, I'm right back in that
neighborhood doing the samething all over again.
So what I did as an adult,after dealing with my trauma, my
(18:46):
triggers and talking it through, I went back to that
neighborhood, I drove over thereby myself and I vowed to bury
it.
I took it to a space, aphysical space and a mental
space okay where this was.
This is now the graveyard ofthis trauma and I dug a hole, a
(19:11):
mental hole, a physical hole,and it's not mine.
I'm not carrying this anymore.
Those people, those, thoseactions, those words and I mean
when you talk about bullying,especially in the community I
(19:32):
grew up in, it was very physical, it was very emotional and it
was attached to family.
It was attached to me as aperson, who I was going to be,
what my destiny was, you know.
So I had to bury all that stuffand walk away and not look back
and know that's where it is.
I'm not going back to it, I'mnot going to entertain it
(19:54):
anymore and those conversationsare over.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Wow, that is such an intentional way of being for you
to figure out.
I need to go to that place andphysically go to manifest this
healing and let it be a real,actual, tangible space.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
And I was an emotional wreck.
So I just want to be reallyclear about that.
That was not a happy moment forme where I was smiling and
laughing and singing songs.
A lot of tears, a lot ofgut-wrenching truth about who I
am as a person.
You know, some people carrythat with them so long that they
(20:38):
turn into someone else.
I didn't want it to change me.
I didn't want it to be thething that broke me.
I already had so many differentthings going against me that
adding one, two, three morethings could really alter the
person that I knew I wassupposed to be.
(20:58):
So I needed to be able to moveon from that and if you know me,
you'll know I'm purposefullydifferent.
When high stress, high tensioncomes about, I change my
demeanor on purpose because Iknow what I could do.
But that's not going to helpanyone, right?
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Yeah, right.
So even though you've buried itin the present, there are still
moments that trigger you rightor activate you.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
So what do you do in those instances instead of
overreacting?
How do you control that?
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Let me start with this.
I never just speak, especiallywhen I'm angry.
I always think before I speak.
A lot of times I'll take a deepbreath on purpose, I'll give
myself five seconds, sometimes10, depending on the level of
(22:05):
anger that's coming about, andI'm attempting to reduce anger
number one.
Number two to have a clearthought, opposed to just saying
whatever's on my mind.
I never just say what's on mymind.
Very few people have ever justheard Corey's thoughts raw and
unfiltered.
I'm a high filter individualand I'm careful about how I
(22:29):
respond to people.
careful about how I respond topeople.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
I'm not trying to hurt anyone or responding in
anger.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Right, and I can attest to that because we've
been together for decades andwhen you and I first got
together, we didn't talk so muchabout the details of our past
trauma, talk so much about thedetails of her past trauma.
Right, I had did not realize,actually, that you were bullied
till we were way into ourrelationship like this was not
(23:02):
anything I discovered in thefirst eight years of our
marriage.
Honestly, yeah and so I thinkabout all the times where my way
of communicating could havebeen seen as bullying, or my
desire demand to do the thingnow.
(23:31):
Why aren't you doing this now,did you so?
You didn't expect me to knowthe landmine.
I was stepping in and I thinkthat's where I'm going, because
I've been in that place and Idon't know.
If you have cory with peoplewhere they carry their trauma,
they let it be known.
(23:52):
They don't give the details,just let they let it be known.
And you're walking on eggshellsbecause you don't know if what
you're saying or how you'rebehaving is going to activate
them or trigger them, right,right.
So again, here we are on thisroad and we can go one of two
(24:14):
ways, and I say that the one waywhere you bury it, where you
deal with it, where yourecognize the things that
trigger you, right, that'simportant too.
So you, you've, like you almosthave like this plan okay, this
is what I know triggers me, andhow am I going to process this?
(24:36):
Right, how am I going to react?
So I'm going to be come aware,I'm going to pause.
I have a choice.
Like you said, I you filter likeintensely right.
So, on the left side of thisroad.
You bury it.
It brings healing, and what itactually does is it gives you
power.
And I'm saying this from a verypersonal space, because if you
(24:57):
choose to carry it, you give upyour power, and the trauma that
took that power away to beginwith continues to be this
massive ripple effect that nowhas taken over your life, your
relationships, your way ofthinking and the way you move
through life.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Yeah, and Ken, you just nailed that on the head,
because pretty much what'shappening is, every time you're
triggered and that traumasurfaces, you're able to unload
it.
So you're able to set it downfor a second, yeah, and in that
moment, after unloading which isusually some kind of act that
you're doing you feel really,really good.
(25:37):
But then you got to go pickthat trauma up all over again
and it's even heavier and you'remore tired more weakened
because you keep on dealing withthis thing.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
That's happening over and over and over and now
because you have that bias ofokay, this is what triggers me,
like everything that people donow is a trigger yeah right,
because that's what you'relooking for.
So I'm just going to share frommy personal story that I shared
earlier on in this episode,what I was doing, because I
(26:14):
decided not to heal from it, notto bury it is.
It took the freedom of my kidsto live their lives.
This is going to sound funnyand I'm going to share one of
them.
I did not let Kayla go into astore by herself or go to the
(26:38):
restroom without one minutepublic restroom without one
minute passing, and her brotherswould check on her to make sure
she was okay, it's.
It's sad that you know it's goahead.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Just just say it, don't filter no, it's sad, but
it's um understandable and I'llexplain that.
I'm not justifying any behaviorright now, but what I'm saying
is that parents have to do somethings that they really don't
want to do, and that's adifferent kind of trauma,
(27:12):
because now you're, you're,you're in protection mode, fight
or flight, you're, you'rebasically relying on those
instincts that will keep yousafe, keep your children safe.
It's just a, it's a differentscenario when it opposed to when
it's something directly withyou.
So, um did, did the boys feel alittle bit some kind of way
(27:36):
like man, like this girl can'teven go to the bathroom yes, yes
, and I'm so glad that youstepped in and I what.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
I love that you did for me, because here's where
people don't have to carry.
You didn't carry my trauma, butyou were my support.
Yeah Right, two differentthings.
And so you said you weaned meinto this process.
You said it's just Ralph's,she's going to pick up a couple
of things.
We're going to have her go inthere, pay for it.
(28:08):
She'll be fine, come out.
If she's not out, let's say 15minutes, I'll check on her.
If she's not out, let's say 15minutes, I'll check on her.
And then in the 15 minutes thatwe're in the car, you kept me
occupied with conversation.
It was light, it was easy.
She came out and then I'm like,oh okay, it wasn't bad.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Right.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
And so that's how he took those steps to healing
right, and so that's how he tookthose steps to healing.
And then I started to see howconfining my trauma was on our
kids, right, you know.
And then you just realizethey've got to be freed from
this and this isn't fair andit's not fair to me to because
(28:52):
that's not compassion on myselfto keep carrying it Right, right
.
So yeah, thank you for that.
It was good, it was really good, and I don't think it took that
long either.
That was the interesting thing.
I thought it was going to takeme years to be able to take back
this and walk in faith, andthat was a big thing, like I was
not leaning into in faith, andthat was a big thing, like I was
(29:14):
not leaning into my faith.
It was the one thing, or thetwo things, that I needed to
hold on to, because I needcontrol of this or else it could
go really wrong.
Right.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
And I realized I'm not in control of anyone and
nothing at all times.
That's just, that's impossible,yeah Right.
So what I learned is theimplications of this is that
when you take the road to heal,to let go, to seek counseling
(29:48):
and therapy understanding thisis going to take time, having
compassion on on yourself,putting things into place that
are going to help you processand and rise above a trigger is
that you get to experiencehealthier relationships.
There's less miscommunication,right, right, you're, you're
(30:11):
seeing, you're you're heard,other people are seen and heard,
and there's more peace.
I can't even begin to describehow chaotic and how just you're
always in fear.
That is not a way to live no,it's not.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
And I just want to jump in there and say you know,
there's always more to the storythat is going on for other
people while you're in thedepths or in the grip of your
trauma.
And so I'm going to connect whyI was so triggered by leaders
because I was thinking thatthere was something that could
(30:54):
be done immediately.
There's an answer, there's asolution somewhere in here.
What I wasn't taking intoconsideration is that there's
other things happening, there'sother moving parts to what I'm
asking them to do or what I'mexpecting of them, and why
they're not able to respond inthe way I want them to.
(31:15):
And sometimes they didn't wantto respond, maybe because of the
way I was even bringing it tothem.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
Yeah.
So I have to say that I wassmiling on my face, like I did
in the beginning of this episode, because I love that
perspective.
When we're working with otherpeople and we have these
expectations and they fail tomeet them and we don't look at
what we know is fact and truthand then we make things up and
(31:49):
don't exercise compassion onthem.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Right, right yeah.
Saying like there's clearly,clearly I don't know everything
here there's got to be somethingyeah, I think, and I'm not sure
who came up with it first, butwe had to start asking each
other what else could be truethe ah question.
What story are you tellingyourself?
(32:14):
Yeah, and this happens so oftenbecause we have situations at
work, at home, with our friends,with our children, and things
are said and we just createdthis entire scenario, this
(32:35):
entire story based on, a lot oftimes, our trauma, and so this
story that's living in our headsrent free has been created.
It wasn't what really happened.
And then if you ever go backand have that conversation, as I
have, and said, hey, were youthinking this, what is this?
What was really going on?
Did you, did you feel this way?
(32:57):
And that person is like whatare you talking about?
Right I just said I couldn't doit right now.
I had every intentions on doingit, but where'd the rest of
that come from?
Speaker 1 (33:11):
yeah, it reminds me of you know, with my recent
transition in my career.
Um, my, my boss says justchecking to make sure that you
still want to do this, right?
I pause.
My story was does she not wantme?
There is she.
(33:31):
Is she like trying to get me tosay no?
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I don't yes, exactly.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
And can you?
What, what like?
Why would that even be a thing?
So the way you buried yourtrauma, the bullying cory, I
want to say that there, um, issomething that actually my boss
does, that I have not yetexperienced, but she's worked
with groups where there's arelease of old stories, or we
(33:59):
could say, in this case mayberelease of the, the old trauma,
and people would write it down,right, and they take the paper
um, acknowledge it, let it goand then physically they rip the
paper up in pieces and theyeither burn it like there's a
(34:19):
bonfire going or this one'sreally cool they have a pot,
soil or ground and soil.
They bury it, drop new seedsand let that spring forth, right
, new life.
So it's releasing the old,burying it and expecting new
life.
So it's releasing the old,bearing it, man, I'm telling you
, expecting new life it's a realthing.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
It's a real thing to let it go and bury it.
And yes, I wrote it down and Iwent through all the prompts and
it was hard.
It was very difficult because,let's be honest, we don't want
to bury trauma sometimes.
Sometimes that's my trauma,that's what I'm used to carrying
around.
That's what I'm used to dealingwith.
(34:59):
I'm not letting that go.
I need this.
This anger is helping me getthrough day to day, but is it
really?
Or is it breaking you down?
Is it hurting you?
Is it removing your joy?
Is it making people look at youin another light?
And that's what I had tofinally come to grips with.
Like, how are people viewing mewhen I'm acting this way?
(35:23):
And it was embarrassing when Ibegan to play it back and really
listen to what my mouth wasallowing me to be viewed as you
know and I say it because wehear what we say and we're like
oh my God, did I really just saythat?
(35:43):
Did I really just go there?
Yeah, are those words reallycoming out of my mouth?
And yes, they were, and I, andso I have to take accountability
for that for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
So one of the tools that we'd like to add here.
We've given quite a few, andthat this isn't the full list.
There's so much more there.
But speaking of and what elsecould be true, here's a great
question for reframing what'sreal in this moment so real is
(36:19):
the operative word here versuswhat's left over from the past.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Right.
So what's real in this momentand what's left over from the
past?
Make this real when my bossasks you know, oh, do you still
want to come over to this team?
Um, leftover from the past wastraumatizing events of rejection
from when I was younger.
Yeah, and it's amazing howthose things creep up.
(36:47):
And having conversations likethis gives me awareness.
Oh man, that trauma, thatpost-trauma of being rejected,
is there, although I've buriedit, I've forgiven it, but again,
it does not mean it didn'thappen, no, and there's still
(37:08):
residue.
Speaker 2 (37:08):
but reframing is important and I'll tell you.
You said that my immediate uhemotion was like oh, you're
checking on me, you want me thatbad, all right.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Yeah, oh, I love that .
What a beautiful way to thinkof that.
Oh, you don't want to lose me,right?
You want to make sure I'm a forsure thing.
There you go, okay.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
See, that's beautiful , thank you.
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
Thank you.
Yeah, see, that's beautiful.
Thank you absolutely.
Thank you, um, cory.
It's almost 40 minutes, oh mygosh, uh.
But I just again want to thankyou for sharing your story and
for letting me share mineabsolutely and um again.
We want to just tell everybodyour friends, fellow elevators,
if this brought anything up foryou.
There's so many resources outthere for help.
Hopefully you have support, butlet's choose to take that path
(38:09):
of healing Because you deservethat.
You deserve peace, you deservehealthy relationships with other
people and yourself.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Yeah, you do.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
Well, you know us to take the elevator.
We say, look up and let'selevate, elevate every day.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
Elevate every day.
Elevate every day.
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