September 29, 2025 • 38 mins
Have you ever given someone advice only to have it backfire spectacularly? Or received well-meaning guidance that felt more like criticism than help? In this first installment of our three-part "ABCs of Relationships" series, we tackle the complex art of advice—when to give it, how to receive it, and why the source matters more than you might think.
Drawing on our 22+ years together, we share candid stories about advice that went wrong and advice that illuminated blind spots during critical moments. We examine why specific guidance resonates while other input feels off-base, and offer practical frameworks for giving and receiving wisdom across different relationship types.
Whether you're navigating workplace relationships, friendships, romantic partnerships, or family dynamics, you'll walk away with actionable strategies: ask permission before offering advice, share from experience rather than directing, listen fully before responding, and always use discernment about what serves you. This episode isn't just about advice—it's about creating stronger, more authentic connections through thoughtful communication.
Look up, and let's elevate!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
unknown (00:02):
Every day.
Elevate.
Every day.
Elevate.
Every day.
SPEAKER_03 (00:16):
Hey, it's Jen the Builder.
And the Corey.
And welcome everyone to Take theElevator.
SPEAKER_01 (00:23):
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
SPEAKER_03 (00:25):
We've added or we're trying out the new way of Take
the Elevator, where we're stillgonna be on podcast platforms
like Apple Podcasts, Spotify,things like that.
But I believe we're trying toget ourselves on YouTube.
SPEAKER_01 (00:41):
We're trying to put ourselves on YouTube and we're
trying to get a video format sothat um we're multifaceted.
SPEAKER_03 (00:48):
That's right.
It's exciting.
It's always good when you'retrying something new.
SPEAKER_01 (00:53):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (00:53):
So, like right now, I could say, you know, hello.
Yeah, hey.
All right.
Corey, before we get into ourepisode, which is by the way,
one of a three-part series onthe ABCs of relationships, A
being advice.
But before we get into that, youhave anything you want to share?
SPEAKER_01 (01:15):
Oh man, Jen, so by this time that people will hear
this podcast, um, we would havebeen at ReaderCon.
And uh is that Corona orRiverside?
Corona.
And Corona, and we would havehad a great time.
I'm just going to put that outthere.
And um looking forward to allthe reader book events that
(01:37):
we're we have lined up.
So please, please, please staytuned to our social media so
that you know you can know whenthese things are happening.
SPEAKER_03 (01:45):
So I have something to say about that.
Something very vulnerable.
SPEAKER_01 (01:49):
Uh-oh.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (01:50):
So as authors, we got a welcome packet.
Guys, this is our first time ata library at an event like this.
SPEAKER_02 (01:56):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (01:57):
So we're kind of excited, you know, it's we're
big kids in that way.
And Corey's showing me theformat of where everyone's
seated.
And I will always, I thinkthere's always something special
about your first experience.
SPEAKER_02 (02:12):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
Um, and it's just exciting to know, like five
years from now, we'll rememberthis.
Because guess what?
The seating, like they've gotright when you get in, it's got
the featured the sorry aboutthat, featured authors, right?
So right when you see them, whenyou walk in, they're there, and
then there's like oh, it lookslike a long corridor of maybe
(02:37):
tier two authors, right?
And then there's this space inthe back.
Way, way, way in the back.
By the bathroom, yes, and theadministration office, which of
course is closed because it'sthe weekend, right?
But you go all the way backthere, and there you will see
the fuzzy furry forest.
SPEAKER_01 (02:56):
But guess what?
I don't care.
Yeah, I'm so happy to be there.
Absolutely.
And let me tell you tier three.
Tier three.
Let me tell you why I'm so happyto be there.
I'm so happy to be there becauseit's our first one, and we get
to grow.
We get to pay our dues and feelthe momentum pick up.
So that's a wonderful situationfor me to be in because I I like
(03:17):
that.
SPEAKER_03 (03:18):
Hey, I agree.
I agree.
Anything else?
SPEAKER_01 (03:22):
No, that's about it right now.
I mean, how how you been, Jen?
Yeah, exciting week.
SPEAKER_03 (03:29):
Yeah, exciting week at work.
We had um what we call a missionweek.
SPEAKER_01 (03:33):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (03:34):
And every day, Monday through Friday, there was
something that was.
There was a mission.
Yeah, there was something wewere building on.
SPEAKER_02 (03:40):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (03:41):
And it's, you know, I've only been on a team for two
months and I felt very involved.
Uh great contributor with theteam to the event.
Had a great time.
You know, you experience thenerves and the adrenaline, and
then you're like, okay, today'sdone.
I get a calm, but then you buildup again.
Right, right.
(04:01):
Right.
So I'm just so grateful thatSaturday was a day of rest for
real.
It was just so good to connectto you too.
SPEAKER_01 (04:10):
Yeah, I got a chance to watch the waves come and go
and and how the ups were reallyhigh, and the lows weren't that
low, but it was it was enoughlow for you to just kind of
bottom out, need some rest, needto get some good sleep, need a
good meal, and uh get yourselfback together.
But the highs were way up there,and I felt like wow, she's
(04:31):
floating in cloud 10 to getnine.
SPEAKER_03 (04:35):
Yep, and I learned so much about me, yeah, so much
working with uh my new team.
Yeah.
So that's been a gift, and I'mso grateful for my leader.
SPEAKER_01 (04:44):
Good stuff, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (04:44):
Just good all the way around.
Yeah.
So I'm really excited abouttoday.
Um, and I want to jump in, but Ijust think it'd be kind of rude
if I didn't ask you how yourweek was, besides supporting me
like nobody's business.
SPEAKER_01 (04:58):
My week was was decent.
It wasn't anything exciting asfar as work, but I knew the
Reader Con event is coming up.
I know that you know we'reramping up for a new book.
I know we're ramping up for thebook that's currently out.
We're right we're just ramping,and it's it feels good to have
all the pistons firing at thesame time.
(05:21):
Uh, with with writing, we'rewriting right now.
We're also again supportingKelly Kenga, and we're watching
the new book be formulated.
We got the renders of and thesketches, so we're it's a lot of
fun.
SPEAKER_03 (05:36):
So good.
And that the new book's comingout November.
SPEAKER_01 (05:39):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (05:39):
Right?
So two more months.
Uh yeah, just an amazing book.
And that'll be book number five.
So remember, this is a series of12.
I've been saying 13.
SPEAKER_01 (05:50):
Well, it is 13.
It's 13.
SPEAKER_03 (05:52):
It's a baker's dozen.
SPEAKER_01 (05:53):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (05:54):
Okay.
Anyhow.
SPEAKER_01 (05:55):
And I think I kind of left the cat out of the bag,
but if I didn't, then I'm justgonna keep quiet on what that
13th one is.
SPEAKER_03 (06:00):
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
So I think this is such awell-timed episode because I
sought out a lot of your adviceduring the week.
And so I just thought, howbeautiful that this is about
advice.
So we're gonna talk about howadvice shapes, how it
(06:21):
strengthens, and sometimesadvice can complicate a
relationship.
So giving and receiving, right?
That's some of the things thatwe're gonna highlight too.
Um, so Gory, do you have a storythat you'd like to share with us
about advice that you've held onto?
SPEAKER_01 (06:40):
Yes.
Um one bit of really good,important advice, and I and I
just held on to this for tillthis day, is communicate,
communicate, communicate.
And I mean communicate to thepoint to where you're
over-communicating.
And that's in any relationshipbetween a uh a worker or an
(07:02):
employee and a boss, um, husbandand wife, children, a parent,
friends.
Um, if you'reover-communicating, you don't
have to worry about things beingmisconstrued, you don't have to
worry about um not beingunderstood or that person
understanding, you know, viceversa.
(07:23):
So communicate.
That's the key to any successfulrelationship.
SPEAKER_03 (07:28):
That is great advice.
So I'm gonna piggyback on thatbecause some advice that I wish
I didn't quite listen to wasaround communication too.
SPEAKER_02 (07:38):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (07:39):
So it sounds like it's great advice to begin with,
right?
And the advice was communicatethe way with others, the way
wait, sorry, communicate withothers the way you want to be
communicated with.
SPEAKER_01 (07:52):
The thing is, yeah, that's not good.
SPEAKER_03 (07:54):
No, so I'm a socializer, I want to hear from
you on all things.
It doesn't work for everybody.
So thankfully, in our journey ofgrowth and learning and stuff, I
was introduced to the platinumrule of communication.
And it's simply this communicatewith others the way they want to
be communicated with.
(08:16):
So this takes for you to get tolearn them, yeah, to understand
their communication styles andwhat speaks to them.
And that has been a gamechanger.
SPEAKER_01 (08:25):
Yes, and and one last thing that I really want to
point out, especially to you newrelationship people, and this
more goes for uh romanticrelationships.
There is absolutely, positivelyno silent treatment.
That is a relationship killer.
SPEAKER_03 (08:44):
Yes, it is.
Yeah, yes, it is.
Now it doesn't mean you can'tsay I need some time to think
about it, you know.
Give me, give me a little bit oftime and probably be specific
with that time.
SPEAKER_01 (08:57):
Right.
But you know what I'm talkingabout.
What's wrong?
SPEAKER_03 (09:01):
Nothing.
SPEAKER_01 (09:02):
Did I do something?
SPEAKER_03 (09:04):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (09:05):
Are you mad at me?
SPEAKER_03 (09:08):
Why why do you think that?
Right?
It's that that kind of allright.
So let's go ahead and break itdown.
Advice, because there's a fewthings that linger in the space
of advice.
SPEAKER_02 (09:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (09:23):
There's advice, there's opinions, there's
support.
What are we talking about whenwe say advice?
SPEAKER_01 (09:30):
Advice is that bit of information that you're
passing on that could be used,and it's probably from some form
of past experience, um, and asuccessful experience.
SPEAKER_03 (09:46):
Yeah, I really like that.
I think that's important.
It's like you've experiencedthis already.
I would say, in addition tothat, it's guidance counsel,
right?
Guided course with the intent tohelp.
SPEAKER_01 (09:59):
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (10:00):
Um, so when you have an opinion, how does that differ
than advice?
SPEAKER_01 (10:06):
Um, it's just what I'm thinking about.
I don't know if it's gonna work.
It's never really worked for me.
And I've I haven't really triedthis, but you know, I I'd love
to see you try it to see if itworks for you.
SPEAKER_03 (10:19):
Okay, then there's that.
There's that.
There's that.
Okay, that's a whole notherelement, but I guess, yeah.
And then when I think ofsupport, I think support is more
just being present.
You're showing up withencouragement.
I I'm gonna say empathy, but Ithink empathy is important in
advice too, because you have toshow up with empathy because
(10:41):
there's no intent to harm,right?
Right.
But in that space of support,it's encouragement, empathy,
care, and it doesn't mean I'mnecessarily offering solutions.
SPEAKER_01 (10:51):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (10:52):
I'm just there.
SPEAKER_01 (10:53):
Yeah.
I like what you said that as faras support, you know, you're
able to receive a text, you'reable to send a text, and this is
not always on the problem or theissue that you're dealing with.
Sometimes it's just just, youknow, reach out.
Hey, how's it going?
Yeah.
Everything going good?
You know?
SPEAKER_03 (11:12):
Absolutely.
So we know when you're in arelationship, whether it be
romantic, a friendship, a workrelationship, there's always a
form of giving and receivingwisdom or giving and receiving
advice.
So we're gonna start with thedynamics of giving advice.
Because I don't know if y'allhave ever had a moment where you
(11:35):
gave advice and it just wentsouth.
SPEAKER_01 (11:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (11:39):
What makes it giving advice go that direction?
SPEAKER_01 (11:43):
It's difficult to say exactly when it goes south,
but it's quick, it's best to tryto recover quickly opposed to
marinating or staying in thatdownward spiral of bad advice.
Um I'll say it like this I'vebeen given bad advice before,
(12:05):
and I I shared that with uh Ishared that with um the last
episode about you know mysister.
Oh no, no, we didn't actuallyair that one.
SPEAKER_03 (12:17):
Yeah, yeah, that's on the shelf.
SPEAKER_01 (12:18):
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so for you you guys thatsorry, I get I just got all
tripped up, but um, I shared astory where my sister gave me
some horrible advice and it justspiraled out of control and I
didn't recover very quickly.
So my mom had to come to therescue.
SPEAKER_03 (12:37):
Yeah, yeah.
So I'm gonna talk about pitfankgod for moms, right?
Yeah.
So I'm gonna talk about pitfallsof giving advice.
I the what I think it is.
I think more than anything, makesure when you give advice it's
being asked for.
Yes.
Because when you giveunsolicited advice, it feels
(12:58):
like criticism.
Because you're just coming outof left field and being like,
I'm gonna give you advice, andhere it is, right?
I also think, and I've learnedthis as a leader that too much
advice can create a verydependent team.
Right.
(13:18):
Right.
So you really want to, or evenresentment, right?
So balance that out.
And lastly, I've mentioned italready, advice without empathy
can lead to harm.
So trying to understand wherethat person is, how they're
experiencing it, and taking thatinto consideration.
SPEAKER_01 (13:39):
Can I give an example?
My mom used to give me adviceabout basketball, and my mom
never played a day of basketballin her life.
SPEAKER_03 (13:47):
I love it.
SPEAKER_01 (13:48):
I just love and as funny as that sounds, that's as
funny as it was because I'mlistening and I'm like, she has
no clue what she's talkingabout.
SPEAKER_03 (13:58):
She's oh, you know, before you make a touchdown.
SPEAKER_01 (14:02):
Exactly.
So um, sometimes you have to bea little more graceful in the
way you excuse this advice.
Yes, because there it's comingfrom a good place, but it just
it's not gonna land properly.
SPEAKER_03 (14:15):
And so we're gonna talk about that in the art of
receiving it, right?
Yeah, um, just giving advice, Ithink that's a good point,
Corey.
Make sure you've got experienceor some kind of knowledge when
it comes to that, right?
SPEAKER_01 (14:28):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (14:28):
And if you don't, um simply don't make it up and
maybe point them anotherdirection or just say, you know,
I love you and I just don't haveanything for you.
And maybe I I listen, I love tolisten.
You know, I'm sorry that you'regoing through this tough time
and I'm here for you.
SPEAKER_01 (14:45):
Or how about son, you know, your dad was the
basketball, your dad was anathlete.
SPEAKER_03 (14:49):
You might want to talk about redirect, right?
Right?
So positive roles of advice,man, because when advice is
good, it's good.
Yeah.
And I and I had quite a fewmoments of advice you gave me.
What it really did for me is ithelped me see blind spots
(15:10):
because things were going sofast, right?
And it's heightened and it's agood heightened, but there's
pressure, there's timing ofeverything.
Yeah.
A little bit, I want to say, ofperformance, meaning when you're
facilitating, you know, ityou're time managing and all
these things.
So coming to you with things,you were able to see things at a
(15:34):
different level that reallyhelped me with my blind spot.
So I'm gonna say that was numberone in receiving.
I also think that yourperspective, which was different
than mine, helped me make sometough decisions.
SPEAKER_01 (15:47):
Yeah.
And well, it helps when you'reon the outside looking in,
opposed to being on the insidelooking out.
So when when someone's askingfor your advice, you're not
directly connected to thesituation that's currently going
on.
So it does, you're not basingthis advice on how it's gonna
affect you, you're basing it offof how it's affecting that
(16:09):
person you're giving the advice.
SPEAKER_03 (16:11):
Yeah, yeah.
Um, I think for me, a good ruleof thumb for me in giving advice
is I ask myself, is this egodriven or is this out of care?
Because sometimes being soopinionated, and I am very
passionate about differentthings, and I've checked myself
(16:31):
because sometimes I'm givingadvice based on what I think.
Right, right, or I'm pushing theagenda here.
That's not advice, that's whole,it's very ego, and I'm like,
pull back, pull back, you know.
Anything else that you want toadd to giving advice before we
(16:52):
jump into I have this one thinglike when someone's giving you
good advice, or let's say itlike this, you're giving good
advice, right?
SPEAKER_01 (17:00):
And you see someone almost pick up a piece of paper
because it's like, oh my god,this is good stuff.
Don't turn it up, keep it rightthere because that's what
they're looking for.
If you go too far, you're gonnalose them.
SPEAKER_03 (17:15):
I like that.
Yeah, I like that a lot.
Awesome.
All right, so we're calling thisthe art of receiving advice
because it is an art.
It is, it is so let's just talkabout this first and foremost.
Why is it sometimes hard toreceive advice?
SPEAKER_01 (17:35):
Oh boy, that it's not tough at all for me, but
it's tough to have to say it.
Um, a lot of times, people areoffering advice on things they
have no clue what they'retalking about, they have no
experience on what they'retalking about.
Let's say Jen and I have been ina relationship for over 22
(17:56):
years, and someone that haslittle to no experience in a
relationship trying to give meadvice is really hard to take
that in.
And I'm almost ready to shut itdown when I hear it building up.
I'm like, uh, it's cringy.
You're just like, don't, don't,no, no, I'm not I don't want to
(18:17):
hear that.
I'm good.
I'm good.
SPEAKER_03 (18:19):
So what do you think that is?
Is it because everybody wants tomore years in, so you feel like
I've got more experience thanyou?
SPEAKER_01 (18:27):
Well, no, no, I think what it is is that, you
know, as friends, um, we look atour friends and their
relationships.
We typically, if if you've had asuccessful relationship, you
typically know what's makingyour relationship successful.
And if you've seen someonehaving horrible success in their
(18:49):
relationships, you typicallyknow what the problem is, but
you can't just blurt it out.
But you don't want to takeadvice from them because you
know they're giving you theirpersonal experience, and
typically it's gonna lead tosomewhere not so good.
SPEAKER_03 (19:04):
Hmm.
Okay.
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (19:07):
And I think I used the word typical too many times,
but yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (19:13):
So in addition, I think too that it might be hard
to receive advice because you'remore independent.
Like I was talking to a goodfriend of mine and I was
emotional.
SPEAKER_02 (19:27):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (19:28):
And um she thought because I've been years with
certain experience, and she seesme as someone who does this so
well, or someone she looks upto, someone who's a mentor, like
she's not able or shouldn't begiving me advice.
(19:48):
So when she did give me advice,she kind of pulled it back.
And I was like, no, I want that.
That was good, I need that, andso that I'm very aware of like
people give advice, and eventhough I may have more years in,
it doesn't mean your fresh eyesdon't have something to give me
(20:10):
that's very wise.
SPEAKER_01 (20:11):
Oh, absolutely, right?
No, no, I agree a hundredpercent.
But let me give a very specificuh situation that I personally
was in where I was talking tosomeone that thought, you know,
I'm gonna give Corey someadvice, even though he hasn't
asked.
You know, sometimes you justgotta put your foot down because
you're the man.
And I'm like, yeah.
Let's let's move on, becausethat's that's not gonna work.
(20:35):
That's never worked in thehistory of the world.
So we're not going there.
SPEAKER_03 (20:39):
Oh, and then I think too, another factor is what
makes it hard receiving someadvice from some people is
either you don't really trustthat person or you haven't had
enough time, or you're youhaven't been in that
relationship long enough toknow, do I should I trust this?
Right.
(20:59):
Right.
Um so one of the ways that we weagreed to this that it sourced
credibility at the end of theday.
Who's telling me this?
Yes and do they do this?
Do they live by this?
SPEAKER_01 (21:14):
Do they live by it?
That's the key right there.
SPEAKER_03 (21:16):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:17):
And if you don't live by your own rule of put
your foot down, you're the man,you run the house, please don't
give that to someone else.
SPEAKER_03 (21:25):
Right, right.
Cause I I have I don't have apoker face.
So when someone gives me adviceand I'm like, What?
SPEAKER_01 (21:36):
Like, what are you telling me?
Are you crazy?
SPEAKER_03 (21:39):
Yeah, I was just with you yesterday, and that's
not what you do.
SPEAKER_01 (21:43):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (21:44):
Either way, um, I also this question helps me is
this advice gonna help me grow?
Is it gonna move me forward?
Right, right.
Um I think that's a greatquestion.
And always, always, always Ithink this does this align with
my values and who I am?
SPEAKER_01 (22:01):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (22:02):
Period.
Those are good indicators to letyou know this might be advice
that you could possibly take.
Now, the last thing in this inthis one section is how do you
respond even when you don't takethe advice?
So someone gives it to you andyou're not gonna take it for the
(22:22):
sake of the relationship,because you know, at Take the
Elevator, we're aboutrelationships, we're about
people.
So, how do you preserve thatrelationship and not react in
such a way that's gonna hurtthem?
SPEAKER_01 (22:33):
Well, typically, here's my word again.
Um, if I am very close to thatperson, I want to be as
transparent and as honest aspossible.
So if I'm close to them, I'mgonna say I'm good if I'm not
gonna take it.
I'm gonna say this is notsomething that I really want
(22:54):
advice on.
If it's someone I don't knowthat well, then I'm probably
just gonna say thanks.
Oh, oh yeah, that's cool.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that, and move onand try to end the conversation
as quick as possible.
SPEAKER_03 (23:08):
Okay, right on.
Um, the way I might give, notmight, because I'm giving it.
SPEAKER_02 (23:15):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (23:15):
The way I would translate that is definitely
acknowledge, you know, the factthat they're giving you advice
and that you're grateful for thetime that they've spent giving
that to you.
Um and I don't necessarily justlike shut it down right away.
Like I'll give you a little bitof time to see if it makes
(23:38):
sense, and then I use mydiscernment to decide is if this
is for me or not.
But either way, we definitelyadvocate for being kind when
when receiving advice thatyou're not gonna take.
SPEAKER_02 (23:53):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (23:54):
Okay.
So I love this topic.
Love, love, love the topics ofgenerations.
We are Gen Xers, proudly.
And then um I did I just ask forGen Xers.
Now I've taken an assessment.
Corey, you know I loveassessments.
In fact, I'm gonna I'm gonnajust straighten it up.
SPEAKER_01 (24:17):
You're gonna tell the card story.
SPEAKER_03 (24:19):
So, wait, what?
Card story.
SPEAKER_01 (24:21):
The little spinning.
SPEAKER_03 (24:24):
I don't remember that one.
SPEAKER_01 (24:26):
Oh, we'll we'll tackle that in another time.
SPEAKER_03 (24:28):
I want to know about that, but I was in my um my
office and I'm like doing stuffand I'm printing and printing,
and I'm like, ooh, and I and Imake sounds out loud, even by
myself.
SPEAKER_02 (24:42):
Yep.
SPEAKER_03 (24:43):
And Corey comes in, he's like, what are you doing?
I saw another, he's like, areyou taking another one of those
assessments?
Yes, I am.
This one was really cool.
I'll tell you more about itlater.
But um, all that to say thatwhen I took the assessment for
the generations, and I don'tknow, I'm so proud of this,
(25:04):
maybe because I'm in denial ofmy age, but I actually show up
more as a millennial, and then Ihave some Gen Z attributes.
Why why would I get excitedabout that?
Well, let me tell you, because Ican I plan on continuing.
Corey and I are gonna work withpeople, I hope, until this life
(25:25):
is over.
SPEAKER_02 (25:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (25:26):
And so we have to be in tune with our generation,
older generations, and thegenerations that are younger
than us.
That's important to us.
I want us to be relevant, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (25:38):
And so it's funny to me because I I don't typically
oh it's just going crazy withthis word today, but I don't I
don't usually go through thewhole synonym.
Yeah, I just had to replace it.
I don't usually go through thewhole assessment process.
Um, but learning that you dothat has been such a treat for
(26:02):
me to see how it works and howyou apply it.
And and don't get me wrong, I'mdoing the same thing.
I'm I'm figuring out how you'reapplying it and applying it to
myself as well.
But it's just fun to joke withyou to say, what what access uh
assessment are you doing today?
SPEAKER_03 (26:21):
I I just I love them.
Okay, so let's talk about oldergeneration giving advice.
SPEAKER_01 (26:27):
Cool.
SPEAKER_03 (26:28):
It can be seen as wisdom, right, and tradition.
It could be.
Yeah.
How do you think Gen Zers seeadvice from us?
SPEAKER_01 (26:42):
Um so let me let me let me say this.
If they're asking for it, theyreally want it.
SPEAKER_03 (26:53):
Yeah, they're pretty honest and forward about what
they want.
SPEAKER_01 (26:57):
If they're not asking for it, leave it alone.
SPEAKER_03 (27:01):
See?
So that ground rule with advice,give it if it's asked for,
right?
SPEAKER_01 (27:07):
And when you see the light go off, because we've all
been talking to someone, andthat light goes off, like I'm
not listening to you, I'm notpaying attention, just pull but
way back.
And if and if they should cometo you and say, Hey, you know,
you were telling me something,and then you just kind of you
know pull back, like, oh, okay,my bad.
I I didn't know you were, youknow, still paying attention or
(27:28):
listening to me.
I didn't know you were thatinterested, and go back into it.
But typically, yeah, I don't Idon't give it unless it's asked
for.
SPEAKER_03 (27:38):
Good point.
I've asked for advice from theyounger generations because I'm
really curious.
SPEAKER_01 (27:44):
Were you scared?
SPEAKER_03 (27:45):
Um, no.
Okay.
It just gives me so muchlearning.
It's almost like an assessment,it's just it's great grounds to
learn.
SPEAKER_02 (27:52):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (27:52):
So when asking them, they definitely share freely.
Yeah.
That's never a thing.
Um, I think there's a strugglewhen they feel it's ignored.
Because it's almost like I justspent time with you and told you
what that should be.
SPEAKER_01 (28:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:08):
And you didn't listen.
SPEAKER_01 (28:10):
I've experienced that with the books.
And and I I asked a question andI didn't take proper notes, so I
had to go back and yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (28:22):
So I got a little bit of a uh a spanking.
SPEAKER_03 (28:25):
Sure.
And I think if we do thatamongst our generation or the
older, we understand I didn'ttake notes or I forgot.
That happens a lot, guys, youknow, in our generation.
When the younger generationseeks or gives advice, I feel
like they're definitely moreopen to their peers.
And they're very plugged in, ofcourse, to social media.
(28:47):
They get a lot of their advicefrom podcasts.
Um, and uh yeah, I think thedigital world, TikTok, my
goodness, people live by TikTok.
SPEAKER_01 (29:01):
It's not always good advice, it's not always great
advice, but they're getting itout there.
And so let's hope they'rethey're finding something that's
kind of mutual or you know, givesome kind of baseline of good,
you know.
I don't know, it's hard becauseI'm why I watch people make
horrible mistakes from doingthis digital thing.
(29:23):
And I mean, let's talk aboutwhat's happening in the uh realm
of retaliation and and keyboardwarriors, people yeah, people
are like, yeah, I will do thisto you, or I'll, you know, I
feel this way about you or thatway about you.
And then people are figuring outhow to get in contact with these
(29:43):
people, and yeah, it just itturns out very, very bad.
SPEAKER_03 (29:47):
Yeah, really sad.
Okay, there's a statement that Idon't really agree with, but
they're saying the youngergenerations may that's a big
important word here, mayundervalue the lived experience
of their elders.
I don't feel that.
I think if if the youngergeneration shows interest, that
(30:08):
means they're really interested.
Because I think they're justvery straight up.
Like, yes, I'm asking because Iactually think there's something
there, or I'm just not askingyou because I don't think
there's anything there.
SPEAKER_01 (30:19):
So this is opinion.
This is not uh a fact.
Uh it's my opinion that we haveum experienced a threat and a
fear from our parents that theywould hurt us or harm us if we
didn't do what we they said todo.
It's a true story.
And I feel like this generationthat, you know, what are they,
(30:44):
Gen X?
SPEAKER_03 (30:45):
Well, we've got I think millennials, millennials
and Gen Z's.
SPEAKER_01 (30:49):
Yeah, they have no fear of stuff.
And then once they experiencesomething and that true fear
sets in, that's when theyrealize, like, oh my goodness, I
probably should have listened tosomeone.
SPEAKER_03 (31:01):
Right, right.
Absolutely.
And then I think too, Corey, andwe go deep into this, and we're
gonna touch on this and maybeexpand in a later episode.
SPEAKER_01 (31:11):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (31:11):
But I always think, how do we stay relevant?
Like, what main events havechanged so much that we're no
longer in touch with whatyounger generations may go
through?
So I said, okay, let's talkabout COVID and that big, huge
moment of crisis, uncertainty.
(31:31):
It was scary.
We were locked down when we wereyounger.
What did we experience thatwould have been equivalent to
COVID?
SPEAKER_01 (31:41):
Uh, probably the AIDS uh epidemic that that
happened.
SPEAKER_03 (31:47):
That was scary.
SPEAKER_01 (31:48):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (31:49):
They didn't know how it was transmitted for a long
time.
For a long time.
SPEAKER_01 (31:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (31:55):
And our generation, we it was about connection.
We were always togetherphysically.
We weren't just keeping in touchvia chat.
That was not a thing for ustexting.
No.
It was we were literally hangingout.
And then, and then there, ofcourse, there's stories of like
the boogeyman when it came toAIDS, right?
(32:15):
So I think that's where what Itake away is we may not go
through the same exact thingsbecause technology has changed
and the world is moving sorapidly.
But when you look at the themesof fear or themes of confusion
and chaos, right?
Or things that are released thataren't making sense.
(32:37):
I think every generation hasgone through that.
Every generation has gonethrough an economic crisis.
SPEAKER_01 (32:43):
Um to some degree.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
Can I can I jump in there realquick, Jen?
So I I think in this generation,a lot of times uh parents and
adults are relying on thedigital to take care of the
information given out.
And it's relied upon.
Whereas um we listen to ourparents, but I grew up
(33:06):
personally looking into thingsmyself, digging for myself,
researching myself.
SPEAKER_02 (33:11):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (33:12):
And I've been asked questions that I thought was,
you know, like, who does that?
Who researches all that?
Who looks into all that?
Who reads the back of labels?
Who knows what's good for you?
And I'm like, well, that's ourjob as human beings to know
what's good for us and what'snot.
It there's no prerequisite thateverybody's gonna do the best
(33:35):
thing for you, right?
So you have to read, you have tolook at the labels and read the
definitions, and especially ifyou don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (33:44):
Totally, yeah.
Good point.
Good point.
So we're gonna come to the closeof this episode and we're gonna
just kind of give these realquick advice across relationship
types.
Okay, romantic relationships,and it's so important I we
agreed to this to balance givingadvice versus just simply
(34:09):
listening.
Uh, Corey, there have been timeswhere I've told you, like, I
just need you to listen rightnow.
I don't, you know, this isn'tabout what I need to do next.
SPEAKER_01 (34:19):
Yeah, and in my mind, I'm saying, Corey, shut
up.
Don't say anything.
Just sit here and stare intentlylike you're listening, and make
sure you understand what she'ssaying.
But don't ask too many questionsbecause it's gonna throw the
conversation off.
SPEAKER_03 (34:36):
Yeah.
And you're all you're alwaysgreat, at least in this
relationship.
Corey, you really define whatyou need.
Like before he comes to me, Ineed you to pay attention and
listen, please.
I need you to talk back to me,like give me dialogue, right?
Or I just I just need you tolisten.
Yeah, right.
That's great.
(34:57):
And then for friendships, thisone's coming for me, Corey.
You can add on if you haveanything.
It's for me, it's beingsupportive without trying to fix
everything.
Um, as the oldest child, I'vejust grown up to be a fixer, and
that's not my place in life tofix things for people, right?
(35:20):
Because they're fully capable.
My friends are strong, they'rewise, they know these things,
and so just to be supportive.
SPEAKER_01 (35:27):
Yeah, I I realized a long time ago, people don't need
fixing, they need to knowdirections.
Yeah, and so if you draw a mapor give clear directions on how
to get somewhere, they're tipusually they're okay.
They find their way.
SPEAKER_03 (35:45):
All right.
Um, family relationships.
I know there's different typesof family relationships, but for
the sake of time, let's just gowith parent parental.
SPEAKER_01 (35:54):
Parental.
SPEAKER_03 (35:55):
Parent-child relationships.
I think for us, the big one,because our kids are 31, 29, and
our youngest is about to be 27in October.
SPEAKER_02 (36:05):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (36:06):
Um it's parental advice that is appropriate for
when they're younger andlearning to shift for when
they're older and and they'readult children who have
autonomy.
SPEAKER_01 (36:21):
Yeah.
I've watched lots of mistakes asadult, and I've simply asked,
why didn't you ask me?
Why didn't you bring it up tome?
We could have talked about that.
And but I leave it completely upto them to figure out whether
that's something they want to door they want to keep going down
the same road.
SPEAKER_03 (36:40):
Yeah.
Uh, workplace relationships.
What would be your overallwisdom in there?
SPEAKER_01 (36:46):
Do your job.
SPEAKER_03 (36:48):
I love it.
Do your job.
Did you catch that?
Just do your job.
Okay, so here, real quick, justsome practical, typical for
because Corey's been loving thatword, takeaways for giving
advice.
We agree, ask permission first.
Yeah, right, share from yourexperience, not as a directive.
(37:12):
That's not what this is, andoffer curiosity instead of
commands.
I think those are our top threefor giving them for receiving,
listen before fully responding,maybe.
SPEAKER_01 (37:26):
Oh, yeah, that's always good.
SPEAKER_03 (37:27):
Yeah.
Thank the giver, even if youchoose to do something
differently, just thank them.
And then using discernment,huge.
Like, again, we broke that down.
Does this make sense for me?
Is it lined up with my values?
Is this gonna help me?
So using that, keep what servesyou and release what doesn't.
Period.
SPEAKER_01 (37:48):
Indeed.
SPEAKER_03 (37:51):
Well, Corey, thank you for bringing this episode
forward.
I love it.
Next week we'll be going overthe B.
We're not gonna share what thatis, um, because we're even still
playing just to choose one B forABC's relationship.
And then, of course, we have theC.
But we hope that this has liftedyou up and elevated you because
(38:14):
you know us at Take theElevator.
We say, look up and let'selevate.
SPEAKER_01 (38:20):
Yeah.
unknown (38:22):
Every day, elevate every day.
SPEAKER_00 (38:33):
Every day, elevate, every day.
Every day.
Elevate.
Every day.
Elevate.
Every day.
SPEAKER_03 (00:16):
Hey, it's Jen the Builder.
And the Corey.
And welcome everyone to Take theElevator.
SPEAKER_01 (00:23):
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
SPEAKER_03 (00:25):
We've added or we're trying out the new way of Take
the Elevator, where we're stillgonna be on podcast platforms
like Apple Podcasts, Spotify,things like that.
But I believe we're trying toget ourselves on YouTube.
SPEAKER_01 (00:41):
We're trying to put ourselves on YouTube and we're
trying to get a video format sothat um we're multifaceted.
SPEAKER_03 (00:48):
That's right.
It's exciting.
It's always good when you'retrying something new.
SPEAKER_01 (00:53):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (00:53):
So, like right now, I could say, you know, hello.
Yeah, hey.
All right.
Corey, before we get into ourepisode, which is by the way,
one of a three-part series onthe ABCs of relationships, A
being advice.
But before we get into that, youhave anything you want to share?
SPEAKER_01 (01:15):
Oh man, Jen, so by this time that people will hear
this podcast, um, we would havebeen at ReaderCon.
And uh is that Corona orRiverside?
Corona.
And Corona, and we would havehad a great time.
I'm just going to put that outthere.
And um looking forward to allthe reader book events that
(01:37):
we're we have lined up.
So please, please, please staytuned to our social media so
that you know you can know whenthese things are happening.
SPEAKER_03 (01:45):
So I have something to say about that.
Something very vulnerable.
SPEAKER_01 (01:49):
Uh-oh.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (01:50):
So as authors, we got a welcome packet.
Guys, this is our first time ata library at an event like this.
SPEAKER_02 (01:56):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (01:57):
So we're kind of excited, you know, it's we're
big kids in that way.
And Corey's showing me theformat of where everyone's
seated.
And I will always, I thinkthere's always something special
about your first experience.
SPEAKER_02 (02:12):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
Um, and it's just exciting to know, like five
years from now, we'll rememberthis.
Because guess what?
The seating, like they've gotright when you get in, it's got
the featured the sorry aboutthat, featured authors, right?
So right when you see them, whenyou walk in, they're there, and
then there's like oh, it lookslike a long corridor of maybe
(02:37):
tier two authors, right?
And then there's this space inthe back.
Way, way, way in the back.
By the bathroom, yes, and theadministration office, which of
course is closed because it'sthe weekend, right?
But you go all the way backthere, and there you will see
the fuzzy furry forest.
SPEAKER_01 (02:56):
But guess what?
I don't care.
Yeah, I'm so happy to be there.
Absolutely.
And let me tell you tier three.
Tier three.
Let me tell you why I'm so happyto be there.
I'm so happy to be there becauseit's our first one, and we get
to grow.
We get to pay our dues and feelthe momentum pick up.
So that's a wonderful situationfor me to be in because I I like
(03:17):
that.
SPEAKER_03 (03:18):
Hey, I agree.
I agree.
Anything else?
SPEAKER_01 (03:22):
No, that's about it right now.
I mean, how how you been, Jen?
Yeah, exciting week.
SPEAKER_03 (03:29):
Yeah, exciting week at work.
We had um what we call a missionweek.
SPEAKER_01 (03:33):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (03:34):
And every day, Monday through Friday, there was
something that was.
There was a mission.
Yeah, there was something wewere building on.
SPEAKER_02 (03:40):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (03:41):
And it's, you know, I've only been on a team for two
months and I felt very involved.
Uh great contributor with theteam to the event.
Had a great time.
You know, you experience thenerves and the adrenaline, and
then you're like, okay, today'sdone.
I get a calm, but then you buildup again.
Right, right.
(04:01):
Right.
So I'm just so grateful thatSaturday was a day of rest for
real.
It was just so good to connectto you too.
SPEAKER_01 (04:10):
Yeah, I got a chance to watch the waves come and go
and and how the ups were reallyhigh, and the lows weren't that
low, but it was it was enoughlow for you to just kind of
bottom out, need some rest, needto get some good sleep, need a
good meal, and uh get yourselfback together.
But the highs were way up there,and I felt like wow, she's
(04:31):
floating in cloud 10 to getnine.
SPEAKER_03 (04:35):
Yep, and I learned so much about me, yeah, so much
working with uh my new team.
Yeah.
So that's been a gift, and I'mso grateful for my leader.
SPEAKER_01 (04:44):
Good stuff, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (04:44):
Just good all the way around.
Yeah.
So I'm really excited abouttoday.
Um, and I want to jump in, but Ijust think it'd be kind of rude
if I didn't ask you how yourweek was, besides supporting me
like nobody's business.
SPEAKER_01 (04:58):
My week was was decent.
It wasn't anything exciting asfar as work, but I knew the
Reader Con event is coming up.
I know that you know we'reramping up for a new book.
I know we're ramping up for thebook that's currently out.
We're right we're just ramping,and it's it feels good to have
all the pistons firing at thesame time.
(05:21):
Uh, with with writing, we'rewriting right now.
We're also again supportingKelly Kenga, and we're watching
the new book be formulated.
We got the renders of and thesketches, so we're it's a lot of
fun.
SPEAKER_03 (05:36):
So good.
And that the new book's comingout November.
SPEAKER_01 (05:39):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (05:39):
Right?
So two more months.
Uh yeah, just an amazing book.
And that'll be book number five.
So remember, this is a series of12.
I've been saying 13.
SPEAKER_01 (05:50):
Well, it is 13.
It's 13.
SPEAKER_03 (05:52):
It's a baker's dozen.
SPEAKER_01 (05:53):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (05:54):
Okay.
Anyhow.
SPEAKER_01 (05:55):
And I think I kind of left the cat out of the bag,
but if I didn't, then I'm justgonna keep quiet on what that
13th one is.
SPEAKER_03 (06:00):
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
So I think this is such awell-timed episode because I
sought out a lot of your adviceduring the week.
And so I just thought, howbeautiful that this is about
advice.
So we're gonna talk about howadvice shapes, how it
(06:21):
strengthens, and sometimesadvice can complicate a
relationship.
So giving and receiving, right?
That's some of the things thatwe're gonna highlight too.
Um, so Gory, do you have a storythat you'd like to share with us
about advice that you've held onto?
SPEAKER_01 (06:40):
Yes.
Um one bit of really good,important advice, and I and I
just held on to this for tillthis day, is communicate,
communicate, communicate.
And I mean communicate to thepoint to where you're
over-communicating.
And that's in any relationshipbetween a uh a worker or an
(07:02):
employee and a boss, um, husbandand wife, children, a parent,
friends.
Um, if you'reover-communicating, you don't
have to worry about things beingmisconstrued, you don't have to
worry about um not beingunderstood or that person
understanding, you know, viceversa.
(07:23):
So communicate.
That's the key to any successfulrelationship.
SPEAKER_03 (07:28):
That is great advice.
So I'm gonna piggyback on thatbecause some advice that I wish
I didn't quite listen to wasaround communication too.
SPEAKER_02 (07:38):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (07:39):
So it sounds like it's great advice to begin with,
right?
And the advice was communicatethe way with others, the way
wait, sorry, communicate withothers the way you want to be
communicated with.
SPEAKER_01 (07:52):
The thing is, yeah, that's not good.
SPEAKER_03 (07:54):
No, so I'm a socializer, I want to hear from
you on all things.
It doesn't work for everybody.
So thankfully, in our journey ofgrowth and learning and stuff, I
was introduced to the platinumrule of communication.
And it's simply this communicatewith others the way they want to
be communicated with.
(08:16):
So this takes for you to get tolearn them, yeah, to understand
their communication styles andwhat speaks to them.
And that has been a gamechanger.
SPEAKER_01 (08:25):
Yes, and and one last thing that I really want to
point out, especially to you newrelationship people, and this
more goes for uh romanticrelationships.
There is absolutely, positivelyno silent treatment.
That is a relationship killer.
SPEAKER_03 (08:44):
Yes, it is.
Yeah, yes, it is.
Now it doesn't mean you can'tsay I need some time to think
about it, you know.
Give me, give me a little bit oftime and probably be specific
with that time.
SPEAKER_01 (08:57):
Right.
But you know what I'm talkingabout.
What's wrong?
SPEAKER_03 (09:01):
Nothing.
SPEAKER_01 (09:02):
Did I do something?
SPEAKER_03 (09:04):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (09:05):
Are you mad at me?
SPEAKER_03 (09:08):
Why why do you think that?
Right?
It's that that kind of allright.
So let's go ahead and break itdown.
Advice, because there's a fewthings that linger in the space
of advice.
SPEAKER_02 (09:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (09:23):
There's advice, there's opinions, there's
support.
What are we talking about whenwe say advice?
SPEAKER_01 (09:30):
Advice is that bit of information that you're
passing on that could be used,and it's probably from some form
of past experience, um, and asuccessful experience.
SPEAKER_03 (09:46):
Yeah, I really like that.
I think that's important.
It's like you've experiencedthis already.
I would say, in addition tothat, it's guidance counsel,
right?
Guided course with the intent tohelp.
SPEAKER_01 (09:59):
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (10:00):
Um, so when you have an opinion, how does that differ
than advice?
SPEAKER_01 (10:06):
Um, it's just what I'm thinking about.
I don't know if it's gonna work.
It's never really worked for me.
And I've I haven't really triedthis, but you know, I I'd love
to see you try it to see if itworks for you.
SPEAKER_03 (10:19):
Okay, then there's that.
There's that.
There's that.
Okay, that's a whole notherelement, but I guess, yeah.
And then when I think ofsupport, I think support is more
just being present.
You're showing up withencouragement.
I I'm gonna say empathy, but Ithink empathy is important in
advice too, because you have toshow up with empathy because
(10:41):
there's no intent to harm,right?
Right.
But in that space of support,it's encouragement, empathy,
care, and it doesn't mean I'mnecessarily offering solutions.
SPEAKER_01 (10:51):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (10:52):
I'm just there.
SPEAKER_01 (10:53):
Yeah.
I like what you said that as faras support, you know, you're
able to receive a text, you'reable to send a text, and this is
not always on the problem or theissue that you're dealing with.
Sometimes it's just just, youknow, reach out.
Hey, how's it going?
Yeah.
Everything going good?
You know?
SPEAKER_03 (11:12):
Absolutely.
So we know when you're in arelationship, whether it be
romantic, a friendship, a workrelationship, there's always a
form of giving and receivingwisdom or giving and receiving
advice.
So we're gonna start with thedynamics of giving advice.
Because I don't know if y'allhave ever had a moment where you
(11:35):
gave advice and it just wentsouth.
SPEAKER_01 (11:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (11:39):
What makes it giving advice go that direction?
SPEAKER_01 (11:43):
It's difficult to say exactly when it goes south,
but it's quick, it's best to tryto recover quickly opposed to
marinating or staying in thatdownward spiral of bad advice.
Um I'll say it like this I'vebeen given bad advice before,
(12:05):
and I I shared that with uh Ishared that with um the last
episode about you know mysister.
Oh no, no, we didn't actuallyair that one.
SPEAKER_03 (12:17):
Yeah, yeah, that's on the shelf.
SPEAKER_01 (12:18):
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so for you you guys thatsorry, I get I just got all
tripped up, but um, I shared astory where my sister gave me
some horrible advice and it justspiraled out of control and I
didn't recover very quickly.
So my mom had to come to therescue.
SPEAKER_03 (12:37):
Yeah, yeah.
So I'm gonna talk about pitfankgod for moms, right?
Yeah.
So I'm gonna talk about pitfallsof giving advice.
I the what I think it is.
I think more than anything, makesure when you give advice it's
being asked for.
Yes.
Because when you giveunsolicited advice, it feels
(12:58):
like criticism.
Because you're just coming outof left field and being like,
I'm gonna give you advice, andhere it is, right?
I also think, and I've learnedthis as a leader that too much
advice can create a verydependent team.
Right.
(13:18):
Right.
So you really want to, or evenresentment, right?
So balance that out.
And lastly, I've mentioned italready, advice without empathy
can lead to harm.
So trying to understand wherethat person is, how they're
experiencing it, and taking thatinto consideration.
SPEAKER_01 (13:39):
Can I give an example?
My mom used to give me adviceabout basketball, and my mom
never played a day of basketballin her life.
SPEAKER_03 (13:47):
I love it.
SPEAKER_01 (13:48):
I just love and as funny as that sounds, that's as
funny as it was because I'mlistening and I'm like, she has
no clue what she's talkingabout.
SPEAKER_03 (13:58):
She's oh, you know, before you make a touchdown.
SPEAKER_01 (14:02):
Exactly.
So um, sometimes you have to bea little more graceful in the
way you excuse this advice.
Yes, because there it's comingfrom a good place, but it just
it's not gonna land properly.
SPEAKER_03 (14:15):
And so we're gonna talk about that in the art of
receiving it, right?
Yeah, um, just giving advice, Ithink that's a good point,
Corey.
Make sure you've got experienceor some kind of knowledge when
it comes to that, right?
SPEAKER_01 (14:28):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (14:28):
And if you don't, um simply don't make it up and
maybe point them anotherdirection or just say, you know,
I love you and I just don't haveanything for you.
And maybe I I listen, I love tolisten.
You know, I'm sorry that you'regoing through this tough time
and I'm here for you.
SPEAKER_01 (14:45):
Or how about son, you know, your dad was the
basketball, your dad was anathlete.
SPEAKER_03 (14:49):
You might want to talk about redirect, right?
Right?
So positive roles of advice,man, because when advice is
good, it's good.
Yeah.
And I and I had quite a fewmoments of advice you gave me.
What it really did for me is ithelped me see blind spots
(15:10):
because things were going sofast, right?
And it's heightened and it's agood heightened, but there's
pressure, there's timing ofeverything.
Yeah.
A little bit, I want to say, ofperformance, meaning when you're
facilitating, you know, ityou're time managing and all
these things.
So coming to you with things,you were able to see things at a
(15:34):
different level that reallyhelped me with my blind spot.
So I'm gonna say that was numberone in receiving.
I also think that yourperspective, which was different
than mine, helped me make sometough decisions.
SPEAKER_01 (15:47):
Yeah.
And well, it helps when you'reon the outside looking in,
opposed to being on the insidelooking out.
So when when someone's askingfor your advice, you're not
directly connected to thesituation that's currently going
on.
So it does, you're not basingthis advice on how it's gonna
affect you, you're basing it offof how it's affecting that
(16:09):
person you're giving the advice.
SPEAKER_03 (16:11):
Yeah, yeah.
Um, I think for me, a good ruleof thumb for me in giving advice
is I ask myself, is this egodriven or is this out of care?
Because sometimes being soopinionated, and I am very
passionate about differentthings, and I've checked myself
(16:31):
because sometimes I'm givingadvice based on what I think.
Right, right, or I'm pushing theagenda here.
That's not advice, that's whole,it's very ego, and I'm like,
pull back, pull back, you know.
Anything else that you want toadd to giving advice before we
(16:52):
jump into I have this one thinglike when someone's giving you
good advice, or let's say itlike this, you're giving good
advice, right?
SPEAKER_01 (17:00):
And you see someone almost pick up a piece of paper
because it's like, oh my god,this is good stuff.
Don't turn it up, keep it rightthere because that's what
they're looking for.
If you go too far, you're gonnalose them.
SPEAKER_03 (17:15):
I like that.
Yeah, I like that a lot.
Awesome.
All right, so we're calling thisthe art of receiving advice
because it is an art.
It is, it is so let's just talkabout this first and foremost.
Why is it sometimes hard toreceive advice?
SPEAKER_01 (17:35):
Oh boy, that it's not tough at all for me, but
it's tough to have to say it.
Um, a lot of times, people areoffering advice on things they
have no clue what they'retalking about, they have no
experience on what they'retalking about.
Let's say Jen and I have been ina relationship for over 22
(17:56):
years, and someone that haslittle to no experience in a
relationship trying to give meadvice is really hard to take
that in.
And I'm almost ready to shut itdown when I hear it building up.
I'm like, uh, it's cringy.
You're just like, don't, don't,no, no, I'm not I don't want to
(18:17):
hear that.
I'm good.
I'm good.
SPEAKER_03 (18:19):
So what do you think that is?
Is it because everybody wants tomore years in, so you feel like
I've got more experience thanyou?
SPEAKER_01 (18:27):
Well, no, no, I think what it is is that, you
know, as friends, um, we look atour friends and their
relationships.
We typically, if if you've had asuccessful relationship, you
typically know what's makingyour relationship successful.
And if you've seen someonehaving horrible success in their
(18:49):
relationships, you typicallyknow what the problem is, but
you can't just blurt it out.
But you don't want to takeadvice from them because you
know they're giving you theirpersonal experience, and
typically it's gonna lead tosomewhere not so good.
SPEAKER_03 (19:04):
Hmm.
Okay.
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (19:07):
And I think I used the word typical too many times,
but yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (19:13):
So in addition, I think too that it might be hard
to receive advice because you'remore independent.
Like I was talking to a goodfriend of mine and I was
emotional.
SPEAKER_02 (19:27):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (19:28):
And um she thought because I've been years with
certain experience, and she seesme as someone who does this so
well, or someone she looks upto, someone who's a mentor, like
she's not able or shouldn't begiving me advice.
(19:48):
So when she did give me advice,she kind of pulled it back.
And I was like, no, I want that.
That was good, I need that, andso that I'm very aware of like
people give advice, and eventhough I may have more years in,
it doesn't mean your fresh eyesdon't have something to give me
(20:10):
that's very wise.
SPEAKER_01 (20:11):
Oh, absolutely, right?
No, no, I agree a hundredpercent.
But let me give a very specificuh situation that I personally
was in where I was talking tosomeone that thought, you know,
I'm gonna give Corey someadvice, even though he hasn't
asked.
You know, sometimes you justgotta put your foot down because
you're the man.
And I'm like, yeah.
Let's let's move on, becausethat's that's not gonna work.
(20:35):
That's never worked in thehistory of the world.
So we're not going there.
SPEAKER_03 (20:39):
Oh, and then I think too, another factor is what
makes it hard receiving someadvice from some people is
either you don't really trustthat person or you haven't had
enough time, or you're youhaven't been in that
relationship long enough toknow, do I should I trust this?
Right.
(20:59):
Right.
Um so one of the ways that we weagreed to this that it sourced
credibility at the end of theday.
Who's telling me this?
Yes and do they do this?
Do they live by this?
SPEAKER_01 (21:14):
Do they live by it?
That's the key right there.
SPEAKER_03 (21:16):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:17):
And if you don't live by your own rule of put
your foot down, you're the man,you run the house, please don't
give that to someone else.
SPEAKER_03 (21:25):
Right, right.
Cause I I have I don't have apoker face.
So when someone gives me adviceand I'm like, What?
SPEAKER_01 (21:36):
Like, what are you telling me?
Are you crazy?
SPEAKER_03 (21:39):
Yeah, I was just with you yesterday, and that's
not what you do.
SPEAKER_01 (21:43):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (21:44):
Either way, um, I also this question helps me is
this advice gonna help me grow?
Is it gonna move me forward?
Right, right.
Um I think that's a greatquestion.
And always, always, always Ithink this does this align with
my values and who I am?
SPEAKER_01 (22:01):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (22:02):
Period.
Those are good indicators to letyou know this might be advice
that you could possibly take.
Now, the last thing in this inthis one section is how do you
respond even when you don't takethe advice?
So someone gives it to you andyou're not gonna take it for the
(22:22):
sake of the relationship,because you know, at Take the
Elevator, we're aboutrelationships, we're about
people.
So, how do you preserve thatrelationship and not react in
such a way that's gonna hurtthem?
SPEAKER_01 (22:33):
Well, typically, here's my word again.
Um, if I am very close to thatperson, I want to be as
transparent and as honest aspossible.
So if I'm close to them, I'mgonna say I'm good if I'm not
gonna take it.
I'm gonna say this is notsomething that I really want
(22:54):
advice on.
If it's someone I don't knowthat well, then I'm probably
just gonna say thanks.
Oh, oh yeah, that's cool.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that, and move onand try to end the conversation
as quick as possible.
SPEAKER_03 (23:08):
Okay, right on.
Um, the way I might give, notmight, because I'm giving it.
SPEAKER_02 (23:15):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (23:15):
The way I would translate that is definitely
acknowledge, you know, the factthat they're giving you advice
and that you're grateful for thetime that they've spent giving
that to you.
Um and I don't necessarily justlike shut it down right away.
Like I'll give you a little bitof time to see if it makes
(23:38):
sense, and then I use mydiscernment to decide is if this
is for me or not.
But either way, we definitelyadvocate for being kind when
when receiving advice thatyou're not gonna take.
SPEAKER_02 (23:53):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (23:54):
Okay.
So I love this topic.
Love, love, love the topics ofgenerations.
We are Gen Xers, proudly.
And then um I did I just ask forGen Xers.
Now I've taken an assessment.
Corey, you know I loveassessments.
In fact, I'm gonna I'm gonnajust straighten it up.
SPEAKER_01 (24:17):
You're gonna tell the card story.
SPEAKER_03 (24:19):
So, wait, what?
Card story.
SPEAKER_01 (24:21):
The little spinning.
SPEAKER_03 (24:24):
I don't remember that one.
SPEAKER_01 (24:26):
Oh, we'll we'll tackle that in another time.
SPEAKER_03 (24:28):
I want to know about that, but I was in my um my
office and I'm like doing stuffand I'm printing and printing,
and I'm like, ooh, and I and Imake sounds out loud, even by
myself.
SPEAKER_02 (24:42):
Yep.
SPEAKER_03 (24:43):
And Corey comes in, he's like, what are you doing?
I saw another, he's like, areyou taking another one of those
assessments?
Yes, I am.
This one was really cool.
I'll tell you more about itlater.
But um, all that to say thatwhen I took the assessment for
the generations, and I don'tknow, I'm so proud of this,
(25:04):
maybe because I'm in denial ofmy age, but I actually show up
more as a millennial, and then Ihave some Gen Z attributes.
Why why would I get excitedabout that?
Well, let me tell you, because Ican I plan on continuing.
Corey and I are gonna work withpeople, I hope, until this life
(25:25):
is over.
SPEAKER_02 (25:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (25:26):
And so we have to be in tune with our generation,
older generations, and thegenerations that are younger
than us.
That's important to us.
I want us to be relevant, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (25:38):
And so it's funny to me because I I don't typically
oh it's just going crazy withthis word today, but I don't I
don't usually go through thewhole synonym.
Yeah, I just had to replace it.
I don't usually go through thewhole assessment process.
Um, but learning that you dothat has been such a treat for
(26:02):
me to see how it works and howyou apply it.
And and don't get me wrong, I'mdoing the same thing.
I'm I'm figuring out how you'reapplying it and applying it to
myself as well.
But it's just fun to joke withyou to say, what what access uh
assessment are you doing today?
SPEAKER_03 (26:21):
I I just I love them.
Okay, so let's talk about oldergeneration giving advice.
SPEAKER_01 (26:27):
Cool.
SPEAKER_03 (26:28):
It can be seen as wisdom, right, and tradition.
It could be.
Yeah.
How do you think Gen Zers seeadvice from us?
SPEAKER_01 (26:42):
Um so let me let me let me say this.
If they're asking for it, theyreally want it.
SPEAKER_03 (26:53):
Yeah, they're pretty honest and forward about what
they want.
SPEAKER_01 (26:57):
If they're not asking for it, leave it alone.
SPEAKER_03 (27:01):
See?
So that ground rule with advice,give it if it's asked for,
right?
SPEAKER_01 (27:07):
And when you see the light go off, because we've all
been talking to someone, andthat light goes off, like I'm
not listening to you, I'm notpaying attention, just pull but
way back.
And if and if they should cometo you and say, Hey, you know,
you were telling me something,and then you just kind of you
know pull back, like, oh, okay,my bad.
I I didn't know you were, youknow, still paying attention or
(27:28):
listening to me.
I didn't know you were thatinterested, and go back into it.
But typically, yeah, I don't Idon't give it unless it's asked
for.
SPEAKER_03 (27:38):
Good point.
I've asked for advice from theyounger generations because I'm
really curious.
SPEAKER_01 (27:44):
Were you scared?
SPEAKER_03 (27:45):
Um, no.
Okay.
It just gives me so muchlearning.
It's almost like an assessment,it's just it's great grounds to
learn.
SPEAKER_02 (27:52):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (27:52):
So when asking them, they definitely share freely.
Yeah.
That's never a thing.
Um, I think there's a strugglewhen they feel it's ignored.
Because it's almost like I justspent time with you and told you
what that should be.
SPEAKER_01 (28:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:08):
And you didn't listen.
SPEAKER_01 (28:10):
I've experienced that with the books.
And and I I asked a question andI didn't take proper notes, so I
had to go back and yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (28:22):
So I got a little bit of a uh a spanking.
SPEAKER_03 (28:25):
Sure.
And I think if we do thatamongst our generation or the
older, we understand I didn'ttake notes or I forgot.
That happens a lot, guys, youknow, in our generation.
When the younger generationseeks or gives advice, I feel
like they're definitely moreopen to their peers.
And they're very plugged in, ofcourse, to social media.
(28:47):
They get a lot of their advicefrom podcasts.
Um, and uh yeah, I think thedigital world, TikTok, my
goodness, people live by TikTok.
SPEAKER_01 (29:01):
It's not always good advice, it's not always great
advice, but they're getting itout there.
And so let's hope they'rethey're finding something that's
kind of mutual or you know, givesome kind of baseline of good,
you know.
I don't know, it's hard becauseI'm why I watch people make
horrible mistakes from doingthis digital thing.
(29:23):
And I mean, let's talk aboutwhat's happening in the uh realm
of retaliation and and keyboardwarriors, people yeah, people
are like, yeah, I will do thisto you, or I'll, you know, I
feel this way about you or thatway about you.
And then people are figuring outhow to get in contact with these
(29:43):
people, and yeah, it just itturns out very, very bad.
SPEAKER_03 (29:47):
Yeah, really sad.
Okay, there's a statement that Idon't really agree with, but
they're saying the youngergenerations may that's a big
important word here, mayundervalue the lived experience
of their elders.
I don't feel that.
I think if if the youngergeneration shows interest, that
(30:08):
means they're really interested.
Because I think they're justvery straight up.
Like, yes, I'm asking because Iactually think there's something
there, or I'm just not askingyou because I don't think
there's anything there.
SPEAKER_01 (30:19):
So this is opinion.
This is not uh a fact.
Uh it's my opinion that we haveum experienced a threat and a
fear from our parents that theywould hurt us or harm us if we
didn't do what we they said todo.
It's a true story.
And I feel like this generationthat, you know, what are they,
(30:44):
Gen X?
SPEAKER_03 (30:45):
Well, we've got I think millennials, millennials
and Gen Z's.
SPEAKER_01 (30:49):
Yeah, they have no fear of stuff.
And then once they experiencesomething and that true fear
sets in, that's when theyrealize, like, oh my goodness, I
probably should have listened tosomeone.
SPEAKER_03 (31:01):
Right, right.
Absolutely.
And then I think too, Corey, andwe go deep into this, and we're
gonna touch on this and maybeexpand in a later episode.
SPEAKER_01 (31:11):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (31:11):
But I always think, how do we stay relevant?
Like, what main events havechanged so much that we're no
longer in touch with whatyounger generations may go
through?
So I said, okay, let's talkabout COVID and that big, huge
moment of crisis, uncertainty.
(31:31):
It was scary.
We were locked down when we wereyounger.
What did we experience thatwould have been equivalent to
COVID?
SPEAKER_01 (31:41):
Uh, probably the AIDS uh epidemic that that
happened.
SPEAKER_03 (31:47):
That was scary.
SPEAKER_01 (31:48):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (31:49):
They didn't know how it was transmitted for a long
time.
For a long time.
SPEAKER_01 (31:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (31:55):
And our generation, we it was about connection.
We were always togetherphysically.
We weren't just keeping in touchvia chat.
That was not a thing for ustexting.
No.
It was we were literally hangingout.
And then, and then there, ofcourse, there's stories of like
the boogeyman when it came toAIDS, right?
(32:15):
So I think that's where what Itake away is we may not go
through the same exact thingsbecause technology has changed
and the world is moving sorapidly.
But when you look at the themesof fear or themes of confusion
and chaos, right?
Or things that are released thataren't making sense.
(32:37):
I think every generation hasgone through that.
Every generation has gonethrough an economic crisis.
SPEAKER_01 (32:43):
Um to some degree.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
Can I can I jump in there realquick, Jen?
So I I think in this generation,a lot of times uh parents and
adults are relying on thedigital to take care of the
information given out.
And it's relied upon.
Whereas um we listen to ourparents, but I grew up
(33:06):
personally looking into thingsmyself, digging for myself,
researching myself.
SPEAKER_02 (33:11):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (33:12):
And I've been asked questions that I thought was,
you know, like, who does that?
Who researches all that?
Who looks into all that?
Who reads the back of labels?
Who knows what's good for you?
And I'm like, well, that's ourjob as human beings to know
what's good for us and what'snot.
It there's no prerequisite thateverybody's gonna do the best
(33:35):
thing for you, right?
So you have to read, you have tolook at the labels and read the
definitions, and especially ifyou don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (33:44):
Totally, yeah.
Good point.
Good point.
So we're gonna come to the closeof this episode and we're gonna
just kind of give these realquick advice across relationship
types.
Okay, romantic relationships,and it's so important I we
agreed to this to balance givingadvice versus just simply
(34:09):
listening.
Uh, Corey, there have been timeswhere I've told you, like, I
just need you to listen rightnow.
I don't, you know, this isn'tabout what I need to do next.
SPEAKER_01 (34:19):
Yeah, and in my mind, I'm saying, Corey, shut
up.
Don't say anything.
Just sit here and stare intentlylike you're listening, and make
sure you understand what she'ssaying.
But don't ask too many questionsbecause it's gonna throw the
conversation off.
SPEAKER_03 (34:36):
Yeah.
And you're all you're alwaysgreat, at least in this
relationship.
Corey, you really define whatyou need.
Like before he comes to me, Ineed you to pay attention and
listen, please.
I need you to talk back to me,like give me dialogue, right?
Or I just I just need you tolisten.
Yeah, right.
That's great.
(34:57):
And then for friendships, thisone's coming for me, Corey.
You can add on if you haveanything.
It's for me, it's beingsupportive without trying to fix
everything.
Um, as the oldest child, I'vejust grown up to be a fixer, and
that's not my place in life tofix things for people, right?
(35:20):
Because they're fully capable.
My friends are strong, they'rewise, they know these things,
and so just to be supportive.
SPEAKER_01 (35:27):
Yeah, I I realized a long time ago, people don't need
fixing, they need to knowdirections.
Yeah, and so if you draw a mapor give clear directions on how
to get somewhere, they're tipusually they're okay.
They find their way.
SPEAKER_03 (35:45):
All right.
Um, family relationships.
I know there's different typesof family relationships, but for
the sake of time, let's just gowith parent parental.
SPEAKER_01 (35:54):
Parental.
SPEAKER_03 (35:55):
Parent-child relationships.
I think for us, the big one,because our kids are 31, 29, and
our youngest is about to be 27in October.
SPEAKER_02 (36:05):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (36:06):
Um it's parental advice that is appropriate for
when they're younger andlearning to shift for when
they're older and and they'readult children who have
autonomy.
SPEAKER_01 (36:21):
Yeah.
I've watched lots of mistakes asadult, and I've simply asked,
why didn't you ask me?
Why didn't you bring it up tome?
We could have talked about that.
And but I leave it completely upto them to figure out whether
that's something they want to door they want to keep going down
the same road.
SPEAKER_03 (36:40):
Yeah.
Uh, workplace relationships.
What would be your overallwisdom in there?
SPEAKER_01 (36:46):
Do your job.
SPEAKER_03 (36:48):
I love it.
Do your job.
Did you catch that?
Just do your job.
Okay, so here, real quick, justsome practical, typical for
because Corey's been loving thatword, takeaways for giving
advice.
We agree, ask permission first.
Yeah, right, share from yourexperience, not as a directive.
(37:12):
That's not what this is, andoffer curiosity instead of
commands.
I think those are our top threefor giving them for receiving,
listen before fully responding,maybe.
SPEAKER_01 (37:26):
Oh, yeah, that's always good.
SPEAKER_03 (37:27):
Yeah.
Thank the giver, even if youchoose to do something
differently, just thank them.
And then using discernment,huge.
Like, again, we broke that down.
Does this make sense for me?
Is it lined up with my values?
Is this gonna help me?
So using that, keep what servesyou and release what doesn't.
Period.
SPEAKER_01 (37:48):
Indeed.
SPEAKER_03 (37:51):
Well, Corey, thank you for bringing this episode
forward.
I love it.
Next week we'll be going overthe B.
We're not gonna share what thatis, um, because we're even still
playing just to choose one B forABC's relationship.
And then, of course, we have theC.
But we hope that this has liftedyou up and elevated you because
(38:14):
you know us at Take theElevator.
We say, look up and let'selevate.
SPEAKER_01 (38:20):
Yeah.
unknown (38:22):
Every day, elevate every day.
SPEAKER_00 (38:33):
Every day, elevate, every day.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.