The Girl Who Pretended to Be a Boy - Part One - Tales of Bedlam

Episode Transcript
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Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:00):
you've been what try and practice my
german accent, but it's notgoing to come out very good,
yeah it'll be hilarious.

Micah (Knob Twister) (00:17):
Welcome to tales of bedlam.
I'm your host.

Knob twister yay for for you, I'm
here too.
I'm the sofa sitter.

Today we have a Romanian classic for you.

It is classic indeed.

Yes, the girl who pretended to be a boy.

Hmm, sounds Mulan-ish to me.

This was collected by Andrew Lang in 1901
, published in his book.
His anthology the Violet FairyBook.

Are you sure it's supposed to say violet
and not violent?
Oh, violent, I don't know.
It says violet on my paper, butI didn't write that.

No, I think it's violet, okay, violet.

I think I'm going to collect fairy tales
and I'm going to name mine theViolent Fairy Book and see if he
sues me.

Well, it could be Violent, right?
No, because that has an N in it.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah so it's Violet.
Yeah, I had it right.
Stop making me question my poor, poor brain.
All right, so we're going toget right into it, because this
is a very long tale that we'regoing to do in three parts.

Segments Parts Segments.

Episodes yes.

Get your thesaurus out, roger, that Whew,
you get to start All right.

Once upon a time there lived an emperor
who was a great conqueror andreigned over more countries than
anyone in the world.

Wow.

And whenever he subdued a fresh
kingdom Fresh.

What if he subdued a not-so-fresh?

kingdom.
Yeah, one that just never usedtheir deodorant or took a bath.

I don't know, we'll never know.

He only granted peace on one condition
that the king should deliver himone of his sons to be eaten.
I mean for ten years' service.

Ugh.
Now, on the borders of hiskingdom lay a country whose
emperor was as brave as hisneighbor and as long as he was
young, he was the victor inevery war.
But as years passed away, hishead grew weary of making plans
of campaign.
His people wanted to stay home,plow their fields, watch

(02:46):
Netflix and make babies who putthat in there Make babies.
You edit this.
He too felt that he must dohomage to the other emperor.

You just keep reading Dustin, because
there's lots of little surprisesin there for you Fantastic.

Mr. Death Hades (03:06):
I do enjoy a good war, plenty of reaping.
I will conquest.

Good grief .
What are you doing here?

I was invited.

Well, I didn't even see you.
Quit skulking around, put yoursickle down, wipe the drool off
your face and behave yourself.

I guess we have a special guest today, mr
Death Hades.
I wish he wouldn't creep likethat.
Ha ha ha.
He did just kind of appear.
One thing, however, held himback from his step, which, day
by day he saw more clearly, wasthe only one possible.
His new overlord would demandthe service of one of his sons,

(03:54):
and the old emperor had no son,only daughters.

Why didn't he?
He never conquered any kingdomsthat didn't have sons, or he
just wiped all those out.

I guess he refuses to conquer kingdoms
unless they're fresh.

They have to be bathed and deodorized and
they have to have sons.
As heirs or he doesn't conquerthem.
Who knows what's going on, thatseems to be the rules.
Can't they just sit down andtalk about it?

So if you don't have any sons to deliver
the 10 years of service?

does he completely annihilate everyone,
wipe out your whole country, ordoes he just not conquer you?

I think that all will depend on how good
you smell.

I guess, if it was fresh or not so fresh,
look on which side he would.
Nothing but ruins seemed to liebefore him, and he became so
gloomy that his daughters werefrightened and did everything
they could to think to cheer himup, but all to no purpose.

I do love a good war.
All to no purpose.
I do love a good war.
Why if I and my fellow Reaperswaged war on these kingdoms,
well, we would have thingswrapped up by tea time.
I do say.

Oh good gravy.
Is this going to go on?
The entire story?
We get that.
You like it?
Quit rubbing your sickle andsit down.
Thank you, God.
Can I go on now?

Please do.

At length.
One day, when they were atdinner, the eldest of the three
summoned up all her courage andsaid to her father oh, what a
secret grief is troubling you.

Are your subjects discontented or have we
given you cause for displeasure?
Did you forget your Netflixpassword, daddy, To soothe away
your wrinkles, we would gladlyshed our blood, for our lives
are bound up in yours and thisyou know.

What was he watching Netflix on?

It's product placement Dustin, it's
good, we better get somekickback.

You listening Netflix.
Kickback At least like a freesubscription, something Jeez.
My daughter answered theemperor what you say is true.
Never have you given me onemoment's pain.
Your mother received greatpains.
What that?
Wasn't an air reward Said itwas rather like a watermelon

(06:34):
pushed through the eye of aneedle.
Wow, yet now you cannot help me.
Aw, why is not one of you a boy?
That was a little graphic.

At this point we'd like to bring in an
esteemed guest psychiatrist tohelp us shed light on some of
the more complicated undertonesand flat-out sexism in this
story.
Please welcome Mr DrKnow-It-All.
Dr Know-It-All, what is yourtake so far on this story?

Dr. Know All (07:04):
Yes, thank you very much for having me here
today.
I believe we are dealing with acouple of concerning issues.
First, the father seems to bebattling some depression,
perhaps due to this Netflixissue.
I know that bums me out.
Also, I will need to gathermore data, but I am seeing some
early signs of an Oedipalcomplex.

(07:26):
Please continue and we shallsee.

Oh, I don't understand she answered in
surprise.
Tell us what is wrong and howwe vexed our mother.
So, though we are not boys, weare not quite useless, good
grief.

But what can you do, my dear children?
Spin, sew and weave.
That is all you're learning.
Only a warrior can deliver menow, a young giant who is strong
to wield the battleaxe andwhose sword deals deadly blows.

Finally, the good part of the story.
I wonder does this imaginaryboy have a sickle?
Ah, good grief.

Every time .

I think you're delightful.

I wish you would quit rubbing the sickle.
It's making everybodyuncomfortable it must be sharp.

Oh good grief.

But why do you need a son so much at
present?
Tell us all about it.
It will not make matters worseif we know.

Listen then my daughters and learn the
reason for my sorrow.
You have heard that as long asI was young, no man ever brought
an army against me withoutcosting him dear.
But the years have chilled myblood and drunk my strength, and
now the deer can roam theforest.
My arrows will never pierce hisheart.
Strange soldiers will set fireto my houses and water their

(08:59):
horses at my wells, and my armcannot hinder them.
No, my day is past and the timehas come when I too must bow my
head under the yoke of my foe.
But who is to give him tenyears' service?
That is part of the price whichthe vanquished must pay.

That's just sad.
He sounds like Eeyore.
That was depressing.

Yes, definitely signs of depression here with
the father.
He's feeling old and useless,not unlike the musicians of
Bremen.
I'd strongly suggest he lookinto taking up a hobby, perhaps
the lute.

That's a good suggestion, Dr Knowall.

Yeah, hobbies are good.

I will cried, the eldest girl springing
to her feet, but her fatheronly shook his head, sadly.
Her feet, but her father onlyshook his head sadly.
Never will I bring shame uponyou urged the girl.
Let me go.
Let me go.
I am not a princess anymore.
No sorry.

And the daughter of an emperor.
Oh wow, this is going to be along one.
It is Go then, he said.
The brave girl's heart almoststopped beating from joy as she
set about her preparations.
She was not still for a singlemoment, but danced about the
house, turning chests andwardrobes upside down.

(10:28):
She set aside enough things fora whole year, wow.

Micah (Knob Twister (10:33):
Preparation .

Wowzer, dresses embroidered with gold
and precious stones, her iPaddownloaded with her favorite
shows on Netflix and a greatstore of provisions.
That's a lot of storage on aniPad to get enough shows for a
year.

And she chose the most spirited horse in
the stable with eyes of flameand a coat of shining silver
when her father saw her mountedand bouncing about the court, he
gave her much wise advice as tohow she was to behave like the
young man she appeared to be,and also how to behave like the

(11:11):
girl she really was.
Then he gave her blessing andshe touched her horse with the
spur.

This might be very confusing for a young person.
Instructions on how to behavelike a young man and a young
woman at the same time wouldcause enormous internal conflict
.
He might as well ask abumblebee to make whiskey.

That sounds delicious.
Conflict he might as well ask abumblebee to make whiskey.
Mmm, that sounds delicious.
That doesn't sound conflictingat all.

Honey whiskey.

Mmm.
But though none of hisdaughters were aware of the fact
, the old emperor was a magicianand had laid his plans
accordingly, he managed unseento overtake his daughter and
throw a bridge of copper over astream which she would have to
cross.
Then, changing himself into awolf, he lay down under one of

(12:04):
the arches and waited.

So he could change himself into a wolf
, but he couldn't change one ofhis daughters into a son Crap.
He could change himself into awolf, but he couldn't change one
of his daughters into a sonCrap.

But then we wouldn't have this amazing,
long, exciting story.

True.

Because that would be really quick,
Because the first daughter whowas like hey, I'll do it, zap
He'd be like bam.
You are now a boy.
Go have fun, he's a selectivemagician Watch where you stick
that thing.
Whoa Go, have fun.
He's a selective magician Watchwhere you stick that thing.

Whoa Far afield.
He had chosen his time well andin about a half an hour the
sound of a horse's hooves washeard and his feet were almost
on the bridge when a big graywolf with grinning teeth
appeared before the princess my,what big teeth you have.
With a deep growl that frozethe blood, he drew himself up

(12:57):
and prepared the spring.

I cannot approve of a father killing his
daughter.

Even.

I have heart.

Every time .
Do you need to sit down?
Do you need to go stand in thecorner and have a time out?
No, okay, just try to behaveyourself.

Would you two just behave?
I'm fine.
The appearance of the wolf wasso sudden and so unexpected that
the girl was almost paralyzed,but not quite, and never even
dreamt of flight, until thehorse leapt violently to one
side.
Then she turned him around and,urging him to his fullest speed

(13:40):
, never drew rein till she sawthe gates of the palace rising
before her.

She turned tail and ran yeah, she gave up.
Get on out of there.
Go on now.
Get man, that's a redneck.
Jump out of me.
The old emperor, who had gotback long since, came to the
door to meet her and, touchingher shining armor, he said Did I
not tell you my child thatflies, do not make honey.

(14:08):
What, what is this?
Flies, and no all.

Please shed some knowledge on this.

I definitely think this type of behavior is
setting this poor girl up for asevere case of lupophobia.
Also, please excuse me while Iembark on a little research on
the flies and honey.
I am not familiar with this atall.

Oh, oh yeah.

I don't know about flies and honey.
He's not familiar with this atall.
Oh, oh yeah, I don't know aboutflies and honey.

He's pulling out his iPad.
Looks like he's researching.

Oh, I'll be back with you in a few minutes.
Go on, please.

Oh well, we will then.
The second princess imploredher father to allow her to try
the adventure in which hersister had made such a failure.
He listened unwillingly,feeling sure it was no use, but
she begged so hard that in theend he consented, and, having
chosen her arms, she rode away.

But though , unlike her sister she was
quite prepared for theappearance of the wolf, when she
reached the copper bridge sheshowed no greater courage and
galloped home as fast as herhorse would carry her.

She knew it was coming Well she just
didn't like wolves.

Apparently , On the steps of the castle,
her father was standing and, asstill trembling with fright, she
knelt at his feet.
He said gently Did I not tellyou, my child, that every bird
is not caught in a net?

Indeed, often they will be caught with a cat's
claws.

I'm not sure that needed to be added.

It was insightful.
I think the three girls stayedquietly in the palace for a
little while, embroidering,spinning, weaving, watching
Grey's Anatomy on Netflix andtending their birds and flowers.
Stupid show when, early onemorning, the youngest princess
entered the door of theemperor's private apartments.

(16:07):
My father.
It is my turn now.
Perhaps I shall get the betterof that wolf.

What Do you think you are braver than
your sisters?
Vain little one, you, who havehardly left your long clothes
behind you, but she did not mindbeing laughed at and answered.

For your sake, father, I would cut the
devil himself into small bits,or even become a devil myself.
I think I shall succeed, but ifI fail, I shall come home
without more shame than mysisters.

Does she come from Georgia?

It sounds just like it.

This girl seems to be self-aware and and has good,
solid head on her shoulders.
She has what you'd call a spunkand is comfortable with making
mistakes.
I do fear she may be subject tothe same lupophobia that would
plague her sisters, though.
Hmm.

Very insightful.
She does seem a little more puttogether than the other ones.
Yes, still, the emperorhesitated, but the girl petted
and coaxed him till at last hesaid, meow, that definitely
wasn't supposed to be Well.
Well, if you must go, you must.

(17:29):
It remains to be seen what Ishall get by it, except perhaps
a good laugh when I see you comeback with your head bent and
your eyes to the ground.

Oh, that's kind of cruel.

Don't you think?

No encouragement for the daughter.

It's the same expectations as the other
two.
I don't know if it's cruel orrealistic.

He laughs best.
Who laughs last?
said the princess.

She got like a bumper sticker repertoire
what's going on?
I guess.

so he who weeps least, weeps best.

Do you need to go get a drink of
something?

That would be nice.

Well, why don't you step out for a little
bit?

Maybe some honey whiskey.

Oh, that sounds delicious.
Bring me one, don't hurry back.

Happy at having got her way, the princess
decided that the first thing tobe done was to find some old,
white-haired noble, of course,whose advice she could trust,
and then to be very careful inchoosing her horse.
So she went straight to thestables, where the most

(18:44):
beautiful horses in the empirewere feeding in the stalls, but
none of them seemed quite whatshe wanted.
Almost in despair, she reachedthe last box of all, which was
occupied by her father's ancientwar horse, old and worn like
himself, stretched sadly out onthe straw.

Poor old horse.
The girl's eyes filled withtears and she stood to gaze at
him.
The horse lifted his head, gavea little neigh and said softly
you look gentle and pitiful, butI know it is your love for your
father which makes you tenderto me.
Ah, what a warrior he was andwhat good times we shared

(19:34):
together.
But now I too have grown oldand my master has forgotten me.
And there's no reason to carewhether my coat is dull or
shining.
Yet it is not too late.
I could vie with any horse inthe stables.

Do you have to shake your head while you do
that?

Absolutely , I do.
Tell me what I can do for you,princess, and I will do it.

I want to go to the emperor, who is our
overlord, and I have no one toadvise me, me.
Which of all the white-headednobles shall I choose as a
counselor?

if you have me, you need no one else.
I will serve you as I servedyour father, if you only listen
to what I say.

I will listen to everything.
Can you start in three days,hmm.

This moment, if you like, said the
horse.

Wow, he has gotten his wind back.

He's frisky.

Yeah, the preparations for the emperor's
youngest daughter were muchfewer and simpler than those of
her sisters.
They only consisted of someboys' clothes.
She planned way better, indeed,because the the other ones are
packing dresses I know what dothey need that for and a small
quantity of linen and food and alittle money in case of

(21:10):
necessity.
Then she bade farewell to herfather and rode away.

A day's journey from the palace.
She reached the copper bridge,but before they came in sight of
it, the horse who was amagician and an amateur
beatboxer.
I'm not doing that.
I'd warned her of the means herfather would take to prove her

(21:37):
courage.

I've never reaped a magic horse before On
occasion.
Unicorns on Tuesdays.

Are you back?
Do you knock?
Can't you make noise when youwalk?

Here's your honey whiskey.

Oh well, thank you for that, but you need
to stop killing unicorns.
It's not okay.

Don't you watch Harry Potter?
It's bad.
Still, in spite of his warning,she trembled all over when a
huge wolf, as thin as if he hadfasted for a month with claws,
like saws and a mouth as wide asan oven, bounded howling
towards her.
He's hungry.

He's going to eat her up for dinner.

For a moment her heart failed.
Her Thump, thump she died.
That's a failing heart.
But the next thump, thum,touching the horse lightly with
her spur, she drew her swordfrom its sheath, ready to
separate the wolf's head fromits body at a single blow Take
him out, she kicks butt.

This is like Mulan, right.
The beast saw the sword andshrank back, which was the best
thing it could do.
Yeah, as now.
The girl's blood was up in thelight of battle in her eyes.
Then, without looking around,she rode across the bridge.

Now, during her whole life the
princess had been so carefullybrought up that she had never
left the gardens of the palace,so that the sight of the hills
and valleys and trinkling,trinkling, trinkling, tinkling
streams tinkling and the song ofthe larks and blackbirds made

(23:23):
her almost beside herself withwonder and delight.
Tinkle, tinkle.
She longed to get down andbathe her face in the clear
pools and pick the brilliantflowers, but the horse said no
and quickened his pace, neitherturning to the right or the left
.

Tinkle tinkle, tinkle Warriors.
He told her only rest when theyhave won the victory, you still
have another battle to fight,and it is the hardest of all.
This time, it was not a wolfthat was waiting for it at the

(24:05):
end of the day's journey, but adragon with 12 heads.
It's like 12 dragons, but adragon with 12 heads.
It's like 12 dragons.
Yeah, buddy, it's one dragonwith 12 heads.
It's like a hydra.
But it's kind of like 12dragons If you cut one head off,
do two more, go back.

I don't know, we'll find out.

And a golden bridge behind it.
The princess rode up withoutseeing anything to frighten her.

What, what ?
The dragon wasn't at allfrightening.

Maybe he was smiling and playing a lute,
we don't know, okay when asudden puff of smoke and flame
from beneath her feet caused herto look down and there was the
horrible creature twisting andwrithing.
Its twelve heads reared up, asif to seize her between them.

Is it like a tiny dragon that she had to
look down at it?

It was a really big bridge.

Oh, oh, so she's on the bridge and it was
in the river or something Gotcha.

It's a princess barbecue.
Have you ever tried Arby'striple pepper sauce?

Death come on.

I can't, even, can't, even with you
sometimes.

Mr Death, perhaps you'd like to sit down and talk
to me sometime about theseaggressive tendencies.

Maybe you'd like to join me for a barbecue.

Okay, that's enough.
You can't threaten the guests.
I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Settle down, Mr Hades.

Jeez.

The bridle fell from her hand and the
sword which she had just graspedslid back into its sheath.
But the horse bade her fearnothing and with a mighty effort
she sat upright and spurredstraight on the dragon.

Yeah, buddy.

The fight lasted an hour and the dragon
pressed her hard, whoa.
But in the end, by awell-directed side blow, she cut
off one of the heads and, witha roar that seemed to rend the
heavens in two, that was thehead that got cut off.

(26:22):
What was that?

You rend the heavens in two.

The dragon fell back on the ground and
rose as a man before her.

Is the dad missing a part now?

Like a head Finger.

Or an arm.

She chopped part of him off.

He's a magician.

He's good.
Did two grow back?
We never know.
Although the horse had informedthe princess, the dragon was
really her own father.
The girl had hardly believedhim and stared in amazement at
the transformation.
But he flung his arms aroundher and pressed her to his heart
, saying Now I see you are asbrave as the bravest and wise as

(27:04):
the wisest.
You have chosen the right horse, for without his help you have
returned with a bent head anddowncast eyes.
So is all the horses doing.
You have filled me with thehope that you can, that you may
carry out the task that you haveundertaken, but be careful to
forget none of my counsels and,above all, listen to those of

(27:26):
your horse you're correct, it'slike the horse is doing this all
.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
When he had done speaking, theprincess knelt down to receive
his blessing and they went theirdifferent ways.

That was an emotional rollercoaster.

Tune in next time as we continue with
the saga of the girl whopretended to be a boy.
Anything you'd like to leave uswith before we take a break, Dr
Knowall?

There is plenty of drama here we can cover if we
had the time.
My main concern is, of course,the lupophobia likely inflicted
on the older children and thedracophobia on the youngest.
These phobias, without propertreatment, can cause severe
lifelong problems.
Also, nowhere in my researchcould I find any references to
flies and honey Huh.

(28:25):
Exposing children to this kindof pseudoscience can be very
detrimental.

Hmm.

Okay, thanks for that.

I bet flies are attracted to honey.

You catch more flies with honey than
vinegar.

That's true, I hear that is true.
What's lupophobia?

Lupophobia , lupophobia.
Well, that would be the fear ofwolves.
Ah.

I knew what dracophobial is Lupo.

That makes sense.
Lupo is werewolves, lupos, lupo.
What do they call them?
Lupo?
So?

Facetter, you are incredibly smart.
I think you're much smarterthan Dr Know-All.

More than likely.

So join us next time for the second part
of this exciting story.

Part two of three.

Yes, and in the meantime, you can go to
our website at TalesOfBedlamcom,check out our extras and
comment on this story.
You can do it.

Good night , bye, goodnight bye, I have to
get a refill.
Okay, killing me?

killing me .
You need more honey, whiskey,more honey whiskey, I'll get it
for you.

Oh my god oh my god.

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The Girl Who Pretended to Be a Boy - Part One

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