July 25, 2024 • 45 mins
In the grand finale of The Girl Who Pretended to Be a Boy, the Tales of Bedlam crew (Knob Twister, Sofa Sitter, Dr. Know-All, and Mr. Death Hades) return with the conclusion of this fantastical, funny, and fiercely weird folk tale. Ilion faces magical horses, a rage-fueled genius, and a creepy emperor obsessed with horse milk baths.
This episode is a chaotic blend of sharp wit, bizarre folklore logic, and the ever-growing absurdity you’ve come to expect from Tales of Bedlam. Expect buffalo skins, Netflix-fueled hangovers, and a battle scene that makes The 13th Warrior seem tame.
If you've made it this far, you're in for a strange payoff. If you’re jumping in—stop! Go back and start with Part One, and trust us. You’ll want to listen to the whole madness in order.
This episode is a replay from 2019-2021; please ignore any announcements during the episode.
For more Fairy Tale fun, follow, like, and share at...
If you have a question for us, email us at talesofbedlam@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:05):
Welcome back and welcome to Tales of
Bedlam for our final installmentof the Girl who Pretended to Be
a Boy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:14):
Ugh, I feel like I've been reading for
a week.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:17):
Uh, I don't know what to say about
that.
Mr. Death Hades (00:20):
It's a long story.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:22):
It's not that long.
We've had longer.
It's a long story.
It's not that long, we've hadlonger.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:25):
It's three installments.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:27):
Well, we chose to break it up instead of
it being an hour and a half long.
Alright.
So, on that note, if this isthe first one you're listening
to, when it's actually partthree, I would suggest you go
back and listen to part one andtwo.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:44):
Well, absolutely All things to be done
in order Start at the beginningand go until you get to the end
, and then stop.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:51):
Sounds like a plan.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:53):
That's Jedi wisdom for you.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:55):
Really quickly, though.
If you like our new format,please go to our website at
TalesOfBedlamcom and leave acomment, Subscribe and like
wherever you listen to yourpodcast oh I think I got a
splinter.
Are you gonna start?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (01:14):
are we going?
Oh, I gotta read that.
Micah (Knob Twister) (01:16):
That's why we have a script.
Oh, I'm your host.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (01:21):
Knob twister that's what threw me off
.
I didn't get my introduction.
That's right, and I love myintroductions.
Micah (Knob Twister) (01:27):
And this is my good friend Sofa Sitter.
I'll be the Sofa Sitter today,Although he's doing less and
less sitting on sofas and moreand more running and walking and
eating well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (01:42):
If you don't have to do those things,
don't do them.
That's what I have to say.
Sit on the sofa and eatcheeseburgers, if you can't.
Micah (Knob Twister) (01:51):
Well, you can.
When's the last time you've hada cheeseburger?
January.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (01:57):
That was that long ago.
Micah (Knob Twister) (02:01):
But still, you used to have one every
other day.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (02:06):
I haven't had fast food since the first
week of January.
They don't care.
Micah (Knob Twister) (02:13):
Again.
Get on our website atTalesOfBedlamcom and leave a
helpful comment to encourageSofaSitter to keep on going.
Keep on keeping on, that'sright, dustin.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (02:25):
Oh, we didn't let them know that Death
and Dr Knowall will be joiningus a little later.
That is true, because it seemsthey were up all night watching
Netflix and draining the countyof all its honey whiskey.
Micah (Knob Twister) (02:37):
That's why there was no more honey whiskey
Jerks.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (02:41):
I hope they have ridiculously bad
hangovers.
So here we go.
I guess we don't need to recap,just go back and listen to the
first two parts.
That's right, the emperorreceived ilion.
Is that what we decided?
Your name?
Ilion yes, the emperor receivedilion with all the respect that
was due to her and fell in loveat first sight.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:04):
Besides, of course he did, but this did
not seem to please Ilyan, whoseface was sad as she walked about
the palace or gardens wonderinghow it was that, while other
girls did as they liked, she wasalways in the power of someone
who she hated.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (03:24):
How did she know she hated him?
She just met him.
But I do take her point.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:28):
Well, she was kidnapped and brought there
and then not apologized to orreleased.
So yeah, I probably would hatethem also.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (03:36):
She was kidnapped and then saved from
kidnapping by being kidnapped.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:39):
That's right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (03:41):
It's not good, no.
Oh there's a Dr Noah dragginghis butt in Ha.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:48):
Did you have a good night's sleep?
Dr. Know All (03:51):
Oh, it's very bad.
We're really having no more ofthe whiskey today.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:58):
Oh, but I poured you a glass.
Dr. Know All (04:02):
Oh, I think I'm going to need the bathroom.
Poured you a glass?
Oh, I think I'm gonna need thebathroom.
I would like to say thisfeeling of entrapment is to be
expected after such animprisonment, although I'd
expect to see some StockholmSyndrome crop up for much longer
.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (04:17):
Well, we were just saying that was to be
expected.
But thanks for that.
Rest your head for a minute.
Micah (Knob Twister) (04:24):
We may need you later your professional
opinion.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (04:27):
That's right, clear-headed.
Micah (Knob Twister) (04:30):
So when the Emperor asked her to share
his throne, ilion answered NobleSovereign.
Andrea (04:37):
I may not think of marriage, but my set of horses
has been brought me, with theirtrappings, all complete, sweet.
Micah (Knob Twister) (04:45):
Which I'm going to have.
Andrei, record all those pinkones, ilium.
Well then I got you, but I'llstand in now for it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (04:53):
I think you did lovely.
Micah (Knob Twister) (04:55):
Well, thank you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (05:00):
When he heard this, the emperor once
more set for Fetfrunners andsaid Fetfrunners, fetch me
instantly the stud of mares withtheir trappings, all complete.
If not, your head shall pay theforfeit.
Mr. Death Hades (05:11):
The emperor surely knows how to change the
mood.
Oh lord, a cloud has enteredthe palace, and of fairness he
knows not, it feels rather likethree rainy days.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (05:28):
I can't tell you how glad we're to have
Death back With all his chipperinsights.
I'm feeling well today.
Thank you, sure you are.
You just set polish your scythe.
Micah (Knob Twister) (05:43):
Mighty Emperor, I kiss your hands.
Hands, wait, who is this?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (05:47):
this is front runners it is yeah, I just
returned from doing yourbidding oh, mighty emperor, I
kiss your hands.
Micah (Knob Twister) (05:59):
I have but just returned from doing your
bidding.
Behold, you send me on anothermission and stake my head on its
fulfillment, when your court isfull of valiant young men
pining to win their spurs.
They say you are just a man.
Then why not entrust this questto one of them?
(06:22):
Where am I to seek these maresthat I may bring you?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (06:28):
How do I know?
They may be anywhere in heavenor earth, but wherever they are,
you will have to find them.
Okay, the princess bowed andwent to consult sunlight.
He listened while she told hertale and then said oh God, I
forgot about this.
Micah (Knob Twister) (06:50):
Fetch quickly nine buffalo skins.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (06:53):
Smear them well with tar and lay them on
my back.
Then look up the ThirteenthWarrior on.
Micah (Knob Twister) (07:02):
Netflix and study it.
Do not fear.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (07:06):
You will succeed in this also, but in the
end the Emperor's desires willbe his undoing.
Micah (Knob Twister) (07:17):
That's some good advice.
I'm not sure what the buffaloskins are for, but I agree with
the 13th Warrior.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (07:24):
I don't know what the 13th warrior has
to do with anything.
Micah (Knob Twister) (07:28):
You never saw that movie.
I saw it.
The buffalo skins were soon gotand the princess started off
with sunlight Sweet.
The way was long and difficult,but at length they reached the
place where the mares weregrazing.
Here, the genius who hadcarried off Ilion was wandering
about, trying to discover how tocapture them, all the while
(07:50):
believing that Ilion was safe inthe palace where he had left
her.
Weren't they like a ship's rideaway?
I know she got there reallyquick.
It's a magical horse, remember,Right right, right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (08:07):
As soon as she caught sight of him, the
princess went up and told himthat Illion had escaped and that
his mother, in her efforts torecapture her, had died of rage.
Ouch, at this news, a blindfairy took possession of the
genius and he rushed madly uponthe princess, who awaited his
onslaught with perfect calmness.
so she was like baiting yeah,she was like she was john,
(08:29):
wickin him as he came on withhis saber lifted high in the air
, sunlight bounded right overhis head so that the sword fell
harmless.
And when, in her turn, theprince is prepared to, the horse
sank upon his knees so that theblade pierced the genius's
thigh.
Ouch.
Dr. Know All (08:50):
Hmm, it's never good to strike out in rage.
They really should have satdown and talked about it over a
cup of tea, with light lutemusic in the background.
Mr. Death Hades (09:02):
You're a quack.
Nothing has ever been settledover tea when death is on the
background.
You're a quack.
Nothing has ever been settledover tea when death is on the
line.
I mean literally Answer yourphone, man.
Death is on the line and I havesomething to tell you privately
.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (09:16):
Okay, did you two have a little fight last
night over Netflix?
Maybe?
What the heck's going on?
Let's not threaten the guests.
I thought we watch 13th Warrior.
Mr. Death Hades (09:42):
Dr Know-All wanted to watch.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (09:43):
you've got mail oh well, I'm gonna have to
agree.
You probably need to be killedfor that.
It's a bad choice.
You got mail.
The fight was so fierce that itseemed as if the earth would
give way under them and for 21miles round, the beasts in the
forest fled into their cavesOddly specific, 21 miles.
(10:07):
At last, when her strength wasalmost gone, the genius lowered
his sword.
For an instant, the princesssaw her chance and, with one
swoop of her arm, severed herenemy's head from his body.
Still trembling from the longstruggle, she turned away and
went to the meadow where thestud was feeding.
Micah (Knob Twister) (10:27):
By the advice of sunlight.
She took care not to let themsee her and climbed a thick tree
where she could see and hearwithout being seen herself.
Then he neighed, and the marescame galloping up, eager to see
the newcomer, All but one horsewho did not like strangers and
(10:52):
thought they were very well asthey were.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (10:55):
Stranger danger.
Micah (Knob Twister) (10:56):
It's kind of a strange I don't want to use
that word again it's kind of anodd little bit of information
there.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (11:06):
The one that stood back.
Stranger, stranger danger.
His mama taught him well, forher it's mares, so it's a her.
A sunlight stood his ground.
Well pleased with the attentionpaid him, this sulky creature
suddenly advanced to the chargeand bit so violently that had it
not been for the nine buffaloskins, sunlight's last moments
(11:30):
would have come.
That's a severe bite Took ninebuffalo skins.
Micah (Knob Twister) (11:35):
One bite would kill you.
Literally just one bite.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (11:39):
Nine buffalo skins is a lot of skins.
I don't know, that's a meanmare.
When the fight was ended, thebuffalo skins were in ribbons
and the beaten animal writhingwith pain on the grass.
This is a brutal story.
Micah (Knob Twister) (11:53):
Nothing now remained to be done but to
drive the whole stud to theemperor's court.
So the princess came down fromthe tree and mounted sunlight
while the stud flowed meeklyafter mounted sunlight, while
the stud followed meekly afterthe wounded horse bringing up
the rear.
(12:13):
On reaching the palace, shedrove them into a yard and went
to inform the emperor of herarrival.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (12:23):
The news was told at once to Elion, who
ran down directly and calledthem to her one by one, each
mare by its name.
She knew all her names Dopeyand Sleepy and Smelly.
Micah (Knob Twister) (12:38):
That's a different story.
Yeah, I think it's the wrongnames.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (12:42):
And at the first sight of the wounded
animal, at the first sight ofher.
The wounded animal shook itselfquickly and in a moment its
wounds were healed and therewere not even a mark on its
glossy skin.
Is this just magic?
Micah (Knob Twister) (12:56):
Everybody, everywhere.
Is everybody in this talemagical?
Every one of them?
Or beat boxer.
Genies and magic horses andmagic dads and by this time the
emperor, on hearing where shewas, joined her in the yard and,
at her request, ordered themares to be milked.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (13:19):
Creepy.
Micah (Knob Twister) (13:20):
That's what I would have done right off
the bat Gross, so that both heand she might bathe in the milk
and keep young forever.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (13:29):
This is weird.
There's a backstory here thatnobody's told us about.
Who says that makes you young?
I've never heard of it and I'mnot milking a horse to figure,
find out if it works either.
Just so you know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (13:40):
If it were that easy, I think that we
wouldn't be getting old.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (13:45):
Yeah, we wouldn't be milking cows, we'd
be milking horses, that's right.
Micah (Knob Twister) (13:50):
Dustin, no , we could.
No, I know where there's ahorse, but they would suffer.
No one to come near them, andthe princess was commanded to
perform this service also.
How, how bizarre.
He's just like picking on herhim, her him, you know I think
(14:12):
it's one of those.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (14:13):
You got the one employee that does
everything right and getseverything done the first time
you tell them, so you just stopasking anybody else to do it.
Micah (Knob Twister) (14:23):
Hmm, right , that could be.
Do you think there might be?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (14:27):
a little bit of I don't know, I don't
know if he's picking on her.
Micah (Knob Twister) (14:31):
I think it seems she's getting stuff done.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (14:34):
I bet that's how she feels oh yeah,
but she gets it done every time.
Why would you ask anybody else?
I don't know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (14:40):
It's true, you're right.
Maybe he could just fire therest of them and just use her.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (14:45):
Send them all back to their families.
Jeez, dr.
Know-all, wake up, give us someinsight, oh, oh.
Dr. Know All (15:01):
This emperor has serious delusions of grandeur.
This is likely to be traced tohis childhood, I would infer he
was terrorized by his mother andhad an absent father, huh I
don't know if that was usefulinformation at all.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (15:09):
Go back to sleep.
Micah (Knob Twister) (15:10):
Oh yeah, I hmm isn't that like the Hmm?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (15:15):
Isn't that like the Oedipus?
Micah (Knob Twister) (15:19):
Yeah.
The normal response to every.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (15:24):
Yeah, that's sociopath diagnosis.
Yeah, exactly.
Micah (Knob Twister) (15:28):
You know, if you start killing people, you
must have had a bad childhood.
You had a bad mother and yourfather wasn't there.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (15:35):
Yeah, you're not very useful at all.
Take a nap At this.
The heart of the girl swelledwithin her.
The hardest tasks were alwaysgiven to her and long before the
10 years were up, she would beworn out and useless.
Yeah, she feels picked on.
But while these thoughts passthrough her mind, a fearful rain
(15:55):
fell such as no man rememberedbefore and rose till the mares
were standing up to their kneesin the water Today, as suddenly
it stopped and behold, the waterwas ice.
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:09):
Well, that's convenient.
What?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (16:11):
the crap which held the animals firmly in
its grasp.
What is going on?
More magic.
And the princess' heart grewlight again and she sat down
gaily to milk them, as if shehad done it every morning of her
life.
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:28):
Well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (16:29):
Who milks a horse?
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:31):
Um someone who lives forever.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (16:34):
Apparently .
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:36):
I wonder if we had a swimming pool.
No, how do they freeze the icerinks?
Can you do it quickly?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (16:46):
That's a really good question.
I've never thought of that.
I don't know if it's a goodquestion they have to do that
chemically.
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:55):
What if you just drugged the horse so it
would hold still, or maybe shotit and then milked it quickly?
Could you still get milk from adead horse?
What did I just hear?
What am I hearing?
There's gotta be an easier way.
I gotta clean my ears outcalling down rain.
It's a super easy way.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (17:15):
Just don't do it.
Leave the horse alone.
Micah (Knob Twister) (17:19):
But I want to live forever.
It's not how it works.
The love of the emperor forIlion waxed greater day by day
and she paid no heed to him.
That hurts and always had anexcuse ready to put off their
marriage At length when theheadache thing just came to mind
(17:41):
At length, when she had come tothe end of everything she could
think of.
Andrea (17:47):
She said to him one day Grant me, sire, just one request
more, and then I will reallymarry you, for you have waited
patiently this long time.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (18:01):
Ah, a scorned lover of the classic.
Micah (Knob Twister) (18:04):
Hmm, might say Shakespearean.
Dustin (Sofa Sitt (18:06):
Shakespearean .
My beautiful dove replied theemperor, both I and all I
possess are yours, so ask yourwill and you shall have it.
Andrea (18:15):
And all I possess are yours, so ask your will and you
shall have it.
Get me, then, a flask of theholy water that is kept in a
little church beyond the RiverJordan, and I will be your wife.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (18:27):
Weird.
So now they're going to Israel,hmm.
Micah (Knob Twister) (18:33):
Well, you could have holy water from a
Catholic church, right?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (18:37):
Yeah, but not beyond the River Jordan.
Micah (Knob Twister) (18:39):
That's true, you're right, I missed
that part In a little churchbeyond.
So where are these people?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (18:47):
Nobody knows.
Isn't this like Romania?
Yes, it is.
That's a long trek.
They just hop on ships over andback in a day anyway.
So what's the big deal?
Okay, apparently it was magic.
They just ice skate there onthe magic rain.
Micah (Knob Twister) (19:03):
Then the Emperor ordered fret-fronters to
ride without delay to the riverJordan and bring back, at
whatever cost, the holy waterfor Iliad Weird.
I think she's just asking likeimpossible tasks.
She obviously doesn't want tomarry him.
At least that's what I get fromthis.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (19:23):
Well, it says that you don't need to
infer that.
It says it outright in thestory she didn't want to marry
him.
This my mistress said sunlightwhen she was saddling him is the
last, and most difficult ofyour tasks, but fear nothing
Micah (Knob Twister) (19:44):
for the hour of the Emperor has struck.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (19:51):
Now check out the Last Emperor on Netflix
and find hope for tomorrow.
That doesn't have anything todo with that.
Dr. Know All (20:01):
The.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:01):
Last Emperor, isn't that Tom Cruise?
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:07):
No.
Dr. Know All (20:10):
No, that's the Last Samurai.
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:12):
Yeah, no, the Last Emperor.
It's about the last emperor ofChina.
Right, that was.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:17):
Jet Li or something?
No, it's about the last emperorof China, right, that was Jet
Li, or something.
No, isn't that the one wherethey shoot like a million arrows
and there are so many theycan't see?
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:23):
the sun.
Wow, I don't think you'vewatched this movie.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:26):
This is not the movie I'm thinking of?
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:29):
I think you're thinking of the House of
Flying Daggers or something likethat.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:32):
I don't know, but that was a good movie
and he dodged all of them.
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:36):
Yeah.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:38):
So they started and the horse, who was
not a wizard for nothing, toldthe princess exactly where she
was to look for the holy waterwhile laying a sick beatbox
track from the movie theExorcist.
That's the only music I knowfrom the Exorcist.
(20:59):
That's the only music I knowfrom the.
Micah (Knob Twister) (21:00):
Exorcist.
No, that was.
That's the Shining.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:05):
I never watched the Exorcist.
I was with a little girl with aspinning head right.
Micah (Knob Twister) (21:10):
Yes, that is correct.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:11):
I have to sleep at night, so I don't watch
that stuff.
It stands, he said, on thealtar of the little church and
is guarded by a troop of nuns.
Andrea (21:25):
They never sleep, night or day but every now and then a
hermit comes to visit them.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:34):
This is a huge paragraph.
Andrea (21:38):
And from him they learn certain things.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:42):
It is needful for them to know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (21:47):
That's weird.
Learn certain things.
It's needful for them to know.
What do the nuns need to know?
Good hygiene.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:59):
How to fold their habits.
I don't know.
It's odd how to make rosaries.
Micah (Knob Twister) (22:04):
Why is this one friar come?
They didn't say it was a friarthey said it was a hermit.
Why does this one hermit cometo meet all these?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (22:13):
nuns.
Why do you think this hermitcomes to meet all these nuns and
to teach them all they need toknow this is getting dirty and
it needs to stop.
They're nuns.
When this happens, only one ofthe nuns remains on guard at a
time, and if we are lucky enoughto hit upon this moment we may
(22:37):
get hold of the vase at once Ifnot we shall have to await the
arrival of the hermit, howeverlong it may be, for there is no
other means of obtaining theholy water I've shaken all the
(22:59):
spit out of my face.
Micah (Knob Twister) (23:00):
I know it sounds almost painful.
Dr. Know All (23:05):
This would have been a great time for a cup of
tea and a chat with the nuns.
Most of these situations can beresolved if both parties will
sit down and talk about theirdifferences.
Mr. Death Hades (23:17):
Am I missing something?
Why do they even need this holywater?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (23:22):
What do you know about holy water, Dad?
Doesn't it burn your face off?
Mr. Death Hades (23:26):
I bathe in it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (23:28):
Yeah, you do not Liar.
Just listen to the story anddon't spoil, I think he's got a
point.
Micah (Knob Twister) (23:35):
Well, I guess the point really is she
just doesn't want to marry himbut so she's asking, like I said
, the impossible task.
But seriously the question whywould you even need the holy
what's so special about thisholy water.
It can't be that much morespecial than what they could
have gotten in their own country, right?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (23:55):
Just go down to your local Catholic
church and have a priest blesssome water.
That's right.
Micah (Knob Twister) (23:59):
They came inside of the church beyond the
Jordan and, to their great joy,beheld the hermit Just arriving
at the door.
Hey, it's a miracle.
They could hear him calling thenuns around him.
Here.
Now stop, nanny, nanny, nanniesis that your nun call I don't
(24:22):
know, I gotta have a creepy,creepy type voice.
You have to do like a turkey.
Gobble here, nuns here, nanny,nanny, nann, stop it, I've got
something for you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (24:37):
He has needful things for them to learn
.
Micah (Knob Twister) (24:41):
Oh boy.
And saw them settle themselvesunder a tree.
Oh, they're going to learn.
With the hermit in their midst,All but one who remained on
guard, as was the custom.
So she drew the short straw.
This is weird.
Or maybe she lucked out?
Yeah, I think she lucked out.
(25:02):
The hermit had a great deal tosay, of course, and the day was
very hot.
So the nun tied the hermit tothe tree, I mean, tired of
sitting by herself, lay downright across the threshold and
fell sound asleep.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (25:23):
She just took a nap in the doorway.
Micah (Knob Twister) (25:24):
She's not a very good guard.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (25:26):
Well, she was tired and she was a nun.
That's a hard job, I don't know.
You have to smack people withrulers all the time.
That's exhausting.
Micah (Knob Twister) (25:36):
I'm actually just thinking of the
quest for Holy Grail.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (25:40):
Run away, run away.
Micah (Knob Twister) (25:44):
What was the castle that they went into
with all the nuns, the nunnery?
Oh my gosh.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (25:53):
I forgot what was that called.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
They put the grail light up.
Micah (Knob Twister) (25:59):
Yes, and it always brings the Zoot,
they're so naughty.
I need a spanking For luringthe knights with the promise of
the grail.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:11):
It was called Castle Anthrax wasn't it?
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:14):
I don't think Really.
Now you're going to have torax,wasn't it?
I don't think really.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:16):
Now you're going to have to find out.
I think it was.
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:21):
But that doesn't make sense, I know.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:23):
That whole movie didn't make sense.
They ran around cloppingcoconuts together.
The whole movie.
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:30):
The castle ?
Yes, it is the Castle, anthrax.
What?
Dr. Know All (26:37):
It doesn't even make sense.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:37):
It's a sad day when passing ruffians will
stop and say meh to an old woman.
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:42):
Oh yes, Eight score young blondes and
brunettes, all between 16 and 19and a half.
They weren't nuns.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:52):
Were they?
They weren't nuns.
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:54):
No, I guess not.
They were just keepers of thecastle anthrax.
But I don't know.
They kind of look nunnery if Iremember correctly.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (27:04):
I think that was supposed to be the idea
.
Yeah anyways we have the nunssleeping in the doorway we have
we strayed we went very farastray.
Uh, then sunlight told theprincess what she was to do and
the girl stepped softly over thesleeping nun, crept like a cat
along the dark aisle, feelingthe wall with her fingers lest
(27:27):
she should fall over somethingand ruin it by all the noise.
But she reached the altar insafety and found a vase of holy
water standing on it.
This she thrust into herclothing and went back with the
same care as she came.
But she reached the altar insafety and found a vase of holy
water standing on it.
This she thrust into herclothing and went back with the
same care as she came.
With a bound, she was in thesaddle and seizing the rain's
bathed sunlight.
Take her home as fast as hislegs would carry him.
(27:47):
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum bum,bum, bum, bum.
Micah (Knob Twister) (27:52):
More beatboxing.
The sound of the flying hoovesaroused the nun oh God Stop.
Who understood instantly thatthe precious treasure was stolen
.
Dr. Know All (28:06):
Oh no.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (28:08):
It could have just been the mail guy Just
put some more water in a vaseand stick it up there.
Who would know?
Micah (Knob Twister) (28:13):
Yes, Jeez, and her shrieks were so loud
and piercing that all the restcame flying to see what was the
matter.
Wait, it was flying nuns.
Flying, it does say flying.
That was funny.
The hermit followed at theirheels but, seeing it, was
(28:37):
impossible to overtake the thieffor he had to pull his pants up
.
He fell on his knees and calledhis most deadly curse down on
her head praying that if thethief was a man, he might become
a woman, and if she was a woman, that she might become a man.
In either case, he thought thatthe punishment would be severe.
Dr. Know All (29:00):
See, this could have all been avoided with a
little communication.
Communication is key.
Mr. Death Hades (29:06):
That's not a deadly curse.
I have a few deadly curses thatthe good father might like to
have for just such occasions.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:18):
We Death.
I don't even know what to dowith you anymore.
Micah (Knob Twister) (29:21):
That is not even a deadly curse.
I mean seriously.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:25):
Well, I don't know why they called it.
I can think of ten things.
Micah (Knob Twister) (29:27):
That would be way worse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:28):
I don't know why they called it a deadly
curse.
I think that was a misnomer.
It wasn't deadly, it wassupposed to be perplexing and
awful.
Micah (Knob Twister) (29:35):
You know what it is.
It just fits the story.
Well, it had to.
I know it had to wrap it upSometime.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:42):
It's only been 72 pages.
But, it seems awfullyconvenient that that was the
deadliest curse the hermit knew.
Oh well, I don't know who wouldthat kill.
Micah (Knob Twister) (29:57):
Didn't kill anyone, I know, but it just
changed your sex.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:59):
It was a sex change.
Micah (Knob Twister) (30:00):
If you were a dude, it's a sex change
curse.
Well, in this case it works outright.
It would be a little bitunusual if if you were married,
it'd be a little unusual and youcame home and you're like hi,
honey, I'm.
I mean hi honey, I'm home and Igot a new pair of things and
(30:24):
hint, hint, it's not below thebelt anymore.
I don't judge, we're not judging, but that would be an awkward
situation, don't you think itwouldn't deadly?
It wouldn't be a deadly curse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (30:36):
Well, it could be deadly, Because your
wife could be like what the helldid you do Chucking things at?
Mr. Death Hades (30:41):
you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (30:43):
Knives and big iron pots.
Yeah, I could see, butpunishments are things about
which people do not always agree.
As hey, that was a veryappropriate sentence, and when
the princess suddenly felt shewas really the man she had
pretended to be, she wasdelighted.
(31:04):
She was delighted, absolutelydelighted.
And if the hermit had only beenwithin reach, she would have
thanked him from her heart.
She would have given him a bigold kiss.
Micah (Knob Twister) (31:16):
So much for a deadly curse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (31:18):
Yeah, I don't know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (31:20):
She'd be high-fiving him.
Dr. Know All (31:22):
This young lady may have had a little gender
dysphoria, but it seems like itwas resolved without too much
emotional trauma.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (31:30):
You know, I don't think Dr Noah has really
much help at all.
Micah (Knob Twister) (31:34):
I was going to say I'm no doctor
myself, but I think that I couldprobably get in a little more
depth of the psychology of thisstory than Mr Dr Noir.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (31:48):
Dr Noir, next time we're laying off the
honey, whiskey and the Netflixand we're not paying you.
No, we're not paying you anyway.
Micah (Knob Twister) (31:57):
Oh well, I did cut a check.
Dr. Know All (32:01):
Oh well, I very much appreciate the check and I
will sit over here and be quietfrom here on out.
That's not true, thank, you.
Micah (Knob Twister) (32:08):
He talks on the next page.
By the time she reached theemperor's court, frontrunners
looked a young man all over inthe eyes of everyone, and even
the mother of the genius wouldnow have had her doubts set at
rest.
He drew forth the vase from histunic and held it up to the
(32:32):
emperor, saying Mighty Sov.
Mighty Sovereign, all hail.
I have fulfilled this task also, and I hope it is the last you
have for me.
Let another now take his turn.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (32:51):
No one noticed that voice change and
the emperor said my, what a deepvoice you have now.
You went from a southern bellto a steroided out.
Micah (Knob Twister) (33:04):
Russian.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (33:06):
I am content.
Frontiers, replied the emperor,and when I am dead, it is you
who will sit upon my throne, ForI have yet no son to come after
me.
But if one has given me and mydearest wish is accomplished,
then you shall be his right handand guide him with your
counsels.
Micah (Knob Twister) (33:27):
I was very grateful of him.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (33:28):
Oh, he's finally said thank you.
Micah (Knob Twister) (33:30):
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (33:32):
After fourteen impossible tasks.
Micah (Knob Twister) (33:34):
That's right.
But though the emperor wassatisfied, il's pretty cool
After 14 impossible tasks,that's right.
But though the emperor wassatisfied, ilion was not.
And she determined to revengeherself on the emperor for the
dangers which he had causedfrontrunners to run.
And as for the vase of holywater, she thought that, in
common politeness, her suitorought to have fetched it himself
(33:58):
, I agree which he could havedone without any risk at all.
What?
Andrea (34:03):
And furthermore, she thought out loud, this would
make a fantastic Netflix showand if I were to produce it, it
would make me very rich.
I don't know if that was partof the story or not, but it's
written right there, so wouldmake me very rich, I don't know
if that was part of the story ornot, but it's written right
there so I'll go with it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (34:20):
So the emperor apparently could have
just walked up and asked for it.
Micah (Knob Twister) (34:24):
Well, it would have been a long walk, but
yeah, I think he probably couldhave.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (34:30):
He said nuns, give me the damn water.
Micah (Knob Twister) (34:33):
Well, he is a sultan, right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (34:35):
Well, he's a sovereign and emperor A
sovereign and emperor Could havejust brought his army behind
him, I guess, and said here,give me the water, or I'll just
wipe you out and take it.
Whatever, I don't know.
Dr. Know All (34:48):
This is another great example where
communication could havede-escalated the situation.
We must all learn to expressour feelings in a healthy manner
.
Mr. Death Hades (34:57):
Feelings only muck up the situation.
I prefer a clear head, absentof feelings, so that I might
keep to the task at hand.
Reaping, oh boy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (35:09):
You don't have any feelings, you're dead.
Mr. Death Hades (35:13):
That hurt my feelings.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (35:26):
Duché, just feelings you're dead.
That hurt my feelings.
Duche, just polish your sight,be quiet.
That's not helpful.
So she ordered the great bathto be filled with the milk of
her mares.
Here we go.
Where, where was all this milk?
I guess in just 100 jars aroundI guess it was rotting because
that that was a long trip to thejordan river well, there wasn't
a big field full of ice,apparently, so they could just
sit down there, oh yeah, yeah,this the milk was probably, it's
(35:47):
still sitting on the ice.
On the ice, uh, I wonder if thehorses ever got out no, they're
probably all dead.
Now it's only two people thatget to live forever, because
they killed all the magic horseswith the ice.
And she begged the emperor toclothe himself in white robes
and to enter the bath with her,an invitation he accepted with
(36:08):
joy.
Then, when both were standingin the milk reaching their their
necks, she sent for the horse,which had fought sunlight, and
made a secret sign to him oh,this is going to get kinky.
This is like horse signlanguage.
The horse understood what hewas to do and from one nostril
(36:29):
he breathed fresh air over Ilana.
Dr. Know All (36:32):
Oh, I bet that was sweet.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (36:33):
Felt good and snotty.
And from the other he snorted aburning wind which shriveled up
the emperor where he stood,leaving only a heap of ashes.
Oh my gosh, that's some nastyhorse breath.
Whew, Glad he didn't get thenostrils mixed up.
Mr. Death Hades (36:49):
Didn't leave much for me to reap.
It's so hard to carve a bash aswith a sickle.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (36:56):
You don't reap bodies, do you?
Micah (Knob Twister) (36:57):
You reap souls, Death you better.
Mr, Mr Hades, you better get adustpan.
Might be a good thing to keepin your robes.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (37:06):
You better read up on your job description
.
Micah (Knob Twister) (37:10):
His strange death, which no one
could explain, made a greatsensation throughout the country
, and the funeral his peoplegave him was the most splendid
ever known.
Not sure that he deserved it,but Probably not.
Andrea (37:25):
When it was over, Ilyan summoned Fretfreners before her
and addressed him thus ThusFretfreners, it is you who
brought me and have saved mylife and obeyed my wishes Thus.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (37:54):
Weird.
Mr. Death Hades (37:56):
Yes, I will marry.
Micah (Knob Twister) (37:57):
You said the young man with a voice
almost as soft as when he was aprincess, uh-oh.
Whoops, sorry, yes, I will marryyou, but know that in our house
it will be the cock who singsand not the hen.
Then in our house it will bethe cock who sings, and not the
(38:18):
hen.
Dr. Know All (38:22):
We took all equality and threw it out the
door.
Well, that ended on a veryterribly sexist note.
I'm not sure there's anything Ican do to help further here.
Where's the?
Micah (Knob Twister) (38:32):
honey whiskey.
Finally, I agree with you, Dr.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (38:35):
Know know all first helpful thing you've
said in like 10 pages exceptthat you already drank all the
honey whiskey that's true.
Micah (Knob Twister) (38:45):
So how does the girl who becomes a man,
become the chauvinist pig.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (38:53):
What she was?
A girl up until the last twopages, and then, all of a sudden
, she's a chauvinist.
Shut your mouth, wench, it's myrules.
Micah (Knob Twister) (39:04):
What Illion might have been better
off with the dead emperor.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (39:08):
I don't know that could have been such a
happy ending.
I know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (39:13):
Let's just rewrite it.
It ended horribly.
Let's do it.
Let's up yes, I will marry you,said the young man with a voice
almost as soft as when he was aprincess, and he remembered
when he was a princess and howhe or she had wanted to be
treated right.
So he got down on one knee andsupplicated himself to his wife
(39:37):
or soon-to-be wife where arethey married already?
no his soon-to-be wife and begthat she would love him forever
and kissed her toes this isgetting gross and I don't know
if it needs to be that extreme.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (39:54):
Okay, but then they lived as equals,
happily ever after.
Micah (Knob Twister (39:58):
High-fiving .
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (39:58):
And shared all the duties.
Yes, and the bank account Tookturns wearing pants.
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:05):
Yes, and gave each other back massages
every other night.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:10):
There you go.
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:11):
While watching Netflix.
That's right, and they also leteach other choose movies.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:17):
They watched movies that they didn't
like.
Yes For each other.
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:21):
For each other.
Compromise the end Bam.
We nailed it Boom.
That ending was awesome.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:32):
I'll wear the penalty around here, wench.
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:35):
Stop it, dustin.
We got rid of that ending, it'sso crazy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:41):
I've only been a boy for two days.
But listen here, woman.
Is it finally over?
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:47):
I'd like to thank Mr Death Hades and Dr
Knowall for joining us on thisincredible three-part journey.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:57):
Well, I'd like to not invite Mr Death
Hades back because he's creepyand not helpful.
Micah (Knob Twister) (41:04):
Well, he also is our health director, so
See what good that's doing me.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (41:10):
He's trying to kill me.
Micah (Knob Twister) (41:11):
He's the head of our human resources
department.
So Death.
I suggest that you just comeback on monday ready to work.
We've got lots of paperwork foryou to uh to uh finger through,
or?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (41:27):
bone through all the employees that
died over the weekend yeah, ohwell.
Micah (Knob Twister) (41:33):
Um, we might have a lawsuit on our hand
if Dr Knowall drives home drunkagain, and we'd like to thank
you, the listener, for hangingout this long and hearing this
great and amazing ending.
If you like it, or you have abetter ending for us, go to our
(41:54):
website at talesofbedlamcom,click on this episode.
That would be the girl whowanted to be a boy or something.
The girl who pretended to be aboy, part three, and leave a
comment.
You can leave it as long as youwant.
You could write a whole newending.
It could be ten pages long and,you know, if it's really really
(42:14):
good, we might do a bonusepisode with it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (42:17):
We'll read it.
We'll read the ending.
We're not reading this wholestory again.
Micah (Knob Twister) (42:21):
We will read it and we will make fun of
it.
Just for you, you're welcome.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (42:26):
Very likely to happen.
Micah (Knob Twister) (42:28):
So TalesOfBethlehemcom.
Like and subscribe.
You know what?
I've heard both ways, that ithelps and it doesn't help, but I
don't really care.
You know what it would help myego if you gave me five stars
and wrote me a nice reviewsaying hey, you know what
SofaSitter and KnobTwister, youguys rock and we love you and
(42:48):
hang in there.
Okay, good night, bye-bye now.
Good night, bye-bye now.
Andrea (43:00):
What a weird story.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (43:02):
I forgot that ending.
It was just so abrupt and rude.
Micah (Knob Twister) (43:11):
Especially considering that she knows how
it is.
I mean, she was just bulliedaround by the Emperor for For 30
pages.
Yeah, going on like deathdefying stunts for this guy dad
treated her like a littleuseless girl and no well, yeah,
no, her dad was preparing her Iwould argue that I think he
(43:32):
loved her.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (43:32):
He was saying you won't be able to do
it, You're a girl.
He never said that he said itto all three of them?
Micah (Knob Twister) (43:39):
No, he didn't.
He said that they could do whatthey'd like, and then he
challenged them and only one ofthem passed the tests Prevailed.
Prevailed.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (43:53):
I kind of remember that, but I don't.
Micah (Knob Twister) (43:57):
You remember, he turned into the
wolf and then the lion and thedragon.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:00):
I don't remember what he said to him,
though he even had one of hisheads cut off.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:05):
Girls.
He never said that.
He never said that.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:11):
I wish I had a son, because girls are
useless.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:13):
No, he said weird things like birds
make honey or some weird thing.
Remember he'd say these weirdplatitudes of what was it?
I don't know, I'll never findit.
There's like 50 pages here.
He had really weird things, soanyway, yeah well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:36):
I agree.
Now I'm going to have to gohome and watch the Holy.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:40):
Grail.
That's a good movie.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:44):
It's on one of the streaming things.
I can't remember which one itis.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:47):
It's one of the best movies really.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:50):
I do have it on DVD, though, just in case
it's not streaming at a certaintime.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:55):
I guess we could have asked dr noah.
He went and researched itremember now he's gone.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (45:00):
Uh, there was two weird things.
Micah (Knob Twister) (45:02):
He said yeah, he said some odd things I
was at the beginning yep, it was.
I just don't know where thebeginning was, because we threw
this down and in a big mess iswhat we did.
Welcome back and welcome to Tales of
Bedlam for our final installmentof the Girl who Pretended to Be
a Boy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:14):
Ugh, I feel like I've been reading for
a week.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:17):
Uh, I don't know what to say about
that.
Mr. Death Hades (00:20):
It's a long story.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:22):
It's not that long.
We've had longer.
It's a long story.
It's not that long, we've hadlonger.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:25):
It's three installments.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:27):
Well, we chose to break it up instead of
it being an hour and a half long.
Alright.
So, on that note, if this isthe first one you're listening
to, when it's actually partthree, I would suggest you go
back and listen to part one andtwo.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:44):
Well, absolutely All things to be done
in order Start at the beginningand go until you get to the end
, and then stop.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:51):
Sounds like a plan.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (00:53):
That's Jedi wisdom for you.
Micah (Knob Twister) (00:55):
Really quickly, though.
If you like our new format,please go to our website at
TalesOfBedlamcom and leave acomment, Subscribe and like
wherever you listen to yourpodcast oh I think I got a
splinter.
Are you gonna start?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (01:14):
are we going?
Oh, I gotta read that.
Micah (Knob Twister) (01:16):
That's why we have a script.
Oh, I'm your host.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (01:21):
Knob twister that's what threw me off
.
I didn't get my introduction.
That's right, and I love myintroductions.
Micah (Knob Twister) (01:27):
And this is my good friend Sofa Sitter.
I'll be the Sofa Sitter today,Although he's doing less and
less sitting on sofas and moreand more running and walking and
eating well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (01:42):
If you don't have to do those things,
don't do them.
That's what I have to say.
Sit on the sofa and eatcheeseburgers, if you can't.
Micah (Knob Twister) (01:51):
Well, you can.
When's the last time you've hada cheeseburger?
January.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (01:57):
That was that long ago.
Micah (Knob Twister) (02:01):
But still, you used to have one every
other day.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (02:06):
I haven't had fast food since the first
week of January.
They don't care.
Micah (Knob Twister) (02:13):
Again.
Get on our website atTalesOfBedlamcom and leave a
helpful comment to encourageSofaSitter to keep on going.
Keep on keeping on, that'sright, dustin.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (02:25):
Oh, we didn't let them know that Death
and Dr Knowall will be joiningus a little later.
That is true, because it seemsthey were up all night watching
Netflix and draining the countyof all its honey whiskey.
Micah (Knob Twister) (02:37):
That's why there was no more honey whiskey
Jerks.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (02:41):
I hope they have ridiculously bad
hangovers.
So here we go.
I guess we don't need to recap,just go back and listen to the
first two parts.
That's right, the emperorreceived ilion.
Is that what we decided?
Your name?
Ilion yes, the emperor receivedilion with all the respect that
was due to her and fell in loveat first sight.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:04):
Besides, of course he did, but this did
not seem to please Ilyan, whoseface was sad as she walked about
the palace or gardens wonderinghow it was that, while other
girls did as they liked, she wasalways in the power of someone
who she hated.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (03:24):
How did she know she hated him?
She just met him.
But I do take her point.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:28):
Well, she was kidnapped and brought there
and then not apologized to orreleased.
So yeah, I probably would hatethem also.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (03:36):
She was kidnapped and then saved from
kidnapping by being kidnapped.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:39):
That's right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (03:41):
It's not good, no.
Oh there's a Dr Noah dragginghis butt in Ha.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:48):
Did you have a good night's sleep?
Dr. Know All (03:51):
Oh, it's very bad.
We're really having no more ofthe whiskey today.
Micah (Knob Twister) (03:58):
Oh, but I poured you a glass.
Dr. Know All (04:02):
Oh, I think I'm going to need the bathroom.
Poured you a glass?
Oh, I think I'm gonna need thebathroom.
I would like to say thisfeeling of entrapment is to be
expected after such animprisonment, although I'd
expect to see some StockholmSyndrome crop up for much longer
.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (04:17):
Well, we were just saying that was to be
expected.
But thanks for that.
Rest your head for a minute.
Micah (Knob Twister) (04:24):
We may need you later your professional
opinion.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (04:27):
That's right, clear-headed.
Micah (Knob Twister) (04:30):
So when the Emperor asked her to share
his throne, ilion answered NobleSovereign.
Andrea (04:37):
I may not think of marriage, but my set of horses
has been brought me, with theirtrappings, all complete, sweet.
Micah (Knob Twister) (04:45):
Which I'm going to have.
Andrei, record all those pinkones, ilium.
Well then I got you, but I'llstand in now for it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (04:53):
I think you did lovely.
Micah (Knob Twister) (04:55):
Well, thank you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (05:00):
When he heard this, the emperor once
more set for Fetfrunners andsaid Fetfrunners, fetch me
instantly the stud of mares withtheir trappings, all complete.
If not, your head shall pay theforfeit.
Mr. Death Hades (05:11):
The emperor surely knows how to change the
mood.
Oh lord, a cloud has enteredthe palace, and of fairness he
knows not, it feels rather likethree rainy days.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (05:28):
I can't tell you how glad we're to have
Death back With all his chipperinsights.
I'm feeling well today.
Thank you, sure you are.
You just set polish your scythe.
Micah (Knob Twister) (05:43):
Mighty Emperor, I kiss your hands.
Hands, wait, who is this?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (05:47):
this is front runners it is yeah, I just
returned from doing yourbidding oh, mighty emperor, I
kiss your hands.
Micah (Knob Twister) (05:59):
I have but just returned from doing your
bidding.
Behold, you send me on anothermission and stake my head on its
fulfillment, when your court isfull of valiant young men
pining to win their spurs.
They say you are just a man.
Then why not entrust this questto one of them?
(06:22):
Where am I to seek these maresthat I may bring you?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (06:28):
How do I know?
They may be anywhere in heavenor earth, but wherever they are,
you will have to find them.
Okay, the princess bowed andwent to consult sunlight.
He listened while she told hertale and then said oh God, I
forgot about this.
Micah (Knob Twister) (06:50):
Fetch quickly nine buffalo skins.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (06:53):
Smear them well with tar and lay them on
my back.
Then look up the ThirteenthWarrior on.
Micah (Knob Twister) (07:02):
Netflix and study it.
Do not fear.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (07:06):
You will succeed in this also, but in the
end the Emperor's desires willbe his undoing.
Micah (Knob Twister) (07:17):
That's some good advice.
I'm not sure what the buffaloskins are for, but I agree with
the 13th Warrior.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (07:24):
I don't know what the 13th warrior has
to do with anything.
Micah (Knob Twister) (07:28):
You never saw that movie.
I saw it.
The buffalo skins were soon gotand the princess started off
with sunlight Sweet.
The way was long and difficult,but at length they reached the
place where the mares weregrazing.
Here, the genius who hadcarried off Ilion was wandering
about, trying to discover how tocapture them, all the while
(07:50):
believing that Ilion was safe inthe palace where he had left
her.
Weren't they like a ship's rideaway?
I know she got there reallyquick.
It's a magical horse, remember,Right right, right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (08:07):
As soon as she caught sight of him, the
princess went up and told himthat Illion had escaped and that
his mother, in her efforts torecapture her, had died of rage.
Ouch, at this news, a blindfairy took possession of the
genius and he rushed madly uponthe princess, who awaited his
onslaught with perfect calmness.
so she was like baiting yeah,she was like she was john,
(08:29):
wickin him as he came on withhis saber lifted high in the air
, sunlight bounded right overhis head so that the sword fell
harmless.
And when, in her turn, theprince is prepared to, the horse
sank upon his knees so that theblade pierced the genius's
thigh.
Ouch.
Dr. Know All (08:50):
Hmm, it's never good to strike out in rage.
They really should have satdown and talked about it over a
cup of tea, with light lutemusic in the background.
Mr. Death Hades (09:02):
You're a quack.
Nothing has ever been settledover tea when death is on the
background.
You're a quack.
Nothing has ever been settledover tea when death is on the
line.
I mean literally Answer yourphone, man.
Death is on the line and I havesomething to tell you privately
.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (09:16):
Okay, did you two have a little fight last
night over Netflix?
Maybe?
What the heck's going on?
Let's not threaten the guests.
I thought we watch 13th Warrior.
Mr. Death Hades (09:42):
Dr Know-All wanted to watch.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (09:43):
you've got mail oh well, I'm gonna have to
agree.
You probably need to be killedfor that.
It's a bad choice.
You got mail.
The fight was so fierce that itseemed as if the earth would
give way under them and for 21miles round, the beasts in the
forest fled into their cavesOddly specific, 21 miles.
(10:07):
At last, when her strength wasalmost gone, the genius lowered
his sword.
For an instant, the princesssaw her chance and, with one
swoop of her arm, severed herenemy's head from his body.
Still trembling from the longstruggle, she turned away and
went to the meadow where thestud was feeding.
Micah (Knob Twister) (10:27):
By the advice of sunlight.
She took care not to let themsee her and climbed a thick tree
where she could see and hearwithout being seen herself.
Then he neighed, and the marescame galloping up, eager to see
the newcomer, All but one horsewho did not like strangers and
(10:52):
thought they were very well asthey were.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (10:55):
Stranger danger.
Micah (Knob Twister) (10:56):
It's kind of a strange I don't want to use
that word again it's kind of anodd little bit of information
there.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (11:06):
The one that stood back.
Stranger, stranger danger.
His mama taught him well, forher it's mares, so it's a her.
A sunlight stood his ground.
Well pleased with the attentionpaid him, this sulky creature
suddenly advanced to the chargeand bit so violently that had it
not been for the nine buffaloskins, sunlight's last moments
(11:30):
would have come.
That's a severe bite Took ninebuffalo skins.
Micah (Knob Twister) (11:35):
One bite would kill you.
Literally just one bite.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (11:39):
Nine buffalo skins is a lot of skins.
I don't know, that's a meanmare.
When the fight was ended, thebuffalo skins were in ribbons
and the beaten animal writhingwith pain on the grass.
This is a brutal story.
Micah (Knob Twister) (11:53):
Nothing now remained to be done but to
drive the whole stud to theemperor's court.
So the princess came down fromthe tree and mounted sunlight
while the stud flowed meeklyafter mounted sunlight, while
the stud followed meekly afterthe wounded horse bringing up
the rear.
(12:13):
On reaching the palace, shedrove them into a yard and went
to inform the emperor of herarrival.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (12:23):
The news was told at once to Elion, who
ran down directly and calledthem to her one by one, each
mare by its name.
She knew all her names Dopeyand Sleepy and Smelly.
Micah (Knob Twister) (12:38):
That's a different story.
Yeah, I think it's the wrongnames.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (12:42):
And at the first sight of the wounded
animal, at the first sight ofher.
The wounded animal shook itselfquickly and in a moment its
wounds were healed and therewere not even a mark on its
glossy skin.
Is this just magic?
Micah (Knob Twister) (12:56):
Everybody, everywhere.
Is everybody in this talemagical?
Every one of them?
Or beat boxer.
Genies and magic horses andmagic dads and by this time the
emperor, on hearing where shewas, joined her in the yard and,
at her request, ordered themares to be milked.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (13:19):
Creepy.
Micah (Knob Twister) (13:20):
That's what I would have done right off
the bat Gross, so that both heand she might bathe in the milk
and keep young forever.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (13:29):
This is weird.
There's a backstory here thatnobody's told us about.
Who says that makes you young?
I've never heard of it and I'mnot milking a horse to figure,
find out if it works either.
Just so you know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (13:40):
If it were that easy, I think that we
wouldn't be getting old.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (13:45):
Yeah, we wouldn't be milking cows, we'd
be milking horses, that's right.
Micah (Knob Twister) (13:50):
Dustin, no , we could.
No, I know where there's ahorse, but they would suffer.
No one to come near them, andthe princess was commanded to
perform this service also.
How, how bizarre.
He's just like picking on herhim, her him, you know I think
(14:12):
it's one of those.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (14:13):
You got the one employee that does
everything right and getseverything done the first time
you tell them, so you just stopasking anybody else to do it.
Micah (Knob Twister) (14:23):
Hmm, right , that could be.
Do you think there might be?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (14:27):
a little bit of I don't know, I don't
know if he's picking on her.
Micah (Knob Twister) (14:31):
I think it seems she's getting stuff done.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (14:34):
I bet that's how she feels oh yeah,
but she gets it done every time.
Why would you ask anybody else?
I don't know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (14:40):
It's true, you're right.
Maybe he could just fire therest of them and just use her.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (14:45):
Send them all back to their families.
Jeez, dr.
Know-all, wake up, give us someinsight, oh, oh.
Dr. Know All (15:01):
This emperor has serious delusions of grandeur.
This is likely to be traced tohis childhood, I would infer he
was terrorized by his mother andhad an absent father, huh I
don't know if that was usefulinformation at all.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (15:09):
Go back to sleep.
Micah (Knob Twister) (15:10):
Oh yeah, I hmm isn't that like the Hmm?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (15:15):
Isn't that like the Oedipus?
Micah (Knob Twister) (15:19):
Yeah.
The normal response to every.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (15:24):
Yeah, that's sociopath diagnosis.
Yeah, exactly.
Micah (Knob Twister) (15:28):
You know, if you start killing people, you
must have had a bad childhood.
You had a bad mother and yourfather wasn't there.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (15:35):
Yeah, you're not very useful at all.
Take a nap At this.
The heart of the girl swelledwithin her.
The hardest tasks were alwaysgiven to her and long before the
10 years were up, she would beworn out and useless.
Yeah, she feels picked on.
But while these thoughts passthrough her mind, a fearful rain
(15:55):
fell such as no man rememberedbefore and rose till the mares
were standing up to their kneesin the water Today, as suddenly
it stopped and behold, the waterwas ice.
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:09):
Well, that's convenient.
What?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (16:11):
the crap which held the animals firmly in
its grasp.
What is going on?
More magic.
And the princess' heart grewlight again and she sat down
gaily to milk them, as if shehad done it every morning of her
life.
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:28):
Well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (16:29):
Who milks a horse?
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:31):
Um someone who lives forever.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (16:34):
Apparently .
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:36):
I wonder if we had a swimming pool.
No, how do they freeze the icerinks?
Can you do it quickly?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (16:46):
That's a really good question.
I've never thought of that.
I don't know if it's a goodquestion they have to do that
chemically.
Micah (Knob Twister) (16:55):
What if you just drugged the horse so it
would hold still, or maybe shotit and then milked it quickly?
Could you still get milk from adead horse?
What did I just hear?
What am I hearing?
There's gotta be an easier way.
I gotta clean my ears outcalling down rain.
It's a super easy way.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (17:15):
Just don't do it.
Leave the horse alone.
Micah (Knob Twister) (17:19):
But I want to live forever.
It's not how it works.
The love of the emperor forIlion waxed greater day by day
and she paid no heed to him.
That hurts and always had anexcuse ready to put off their
marriage At length when theheadache thing just came to mind
(17:41):
At length, when she had come tothe end of everything she could
think of.
Andrea (17:47):
She said to him one day Grant me, sire, just one request
more, and then I will reallymarry you, for you have waited
patiently this long time.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (18:01):
Ah, a scorned lover of the classic.
Micah (Knob Twister) (18:04):
Hmm, might say Shakespearean.
Dustin (Sofa Sitt (18:06):
Shakespearean .
My beautiful dove replied theemperor, both I and all I
possess are yours, so ask yourwill and you shall have it.
Andrea (18:15):
And all I possess are yours, so ask your will and you
shall have it.
Get me, then, a flask of theholy water that is kept in a
little church beyond the RiverJordan, and I will be your wife.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (18:27):
Weird.
So now they're going to Israel,hmm.
Micah (Knob Twister) (18:33):
Well, you could have holy water from a
Catholic church, right?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (18:37):
Yeah, but not beyond the River Jordan.
Micah (Knob Twister) (18:39):
That's true, you're right, I missed
that part In a little churchbeyond.
So where are these people?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (18:47):
Nobody knows.
Isn't this like Romania?
Yes, it is.
That's a long trek.
They just hop on ships over andback in a day anyway.
So what's the big deal?
Okay, apparently it was magic.
They just ice skate there onthe magic rain.
Micah (Knob Twister) (19:03):
Then the Emperor ordered fret-fronters to
ride without delay to the riverJordan and bring back, at
whatever cost, the holy waterfor Iliad Weird.
I think she's just asking likeimpossible tasks.
She obviously doesn't want tomarry him.
At least that's what I get fromthis.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (19:23):
Well, it says that you don't need to
infer that.
It says it outright in thestory she didn't want to marry
him.
This my mistress said sunlightwhen she was saddling him is the
last, and most difficult ofyour tasks, but fear nothing
Micah (Knob Twister) (19:44):
for the hour of the Emperor has struck.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (19:51):
Now check out the Last Emperor on Netflix
and find hope for tomorrow.
That doesn't have anything todo with that.
Dr. Know All (20:01):
The.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:01):
Last Emperor, isn't that Tom Cruise?
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:07):
No.
Dr. Know All (20:10):
No, that's the Last Samurai.
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:12):
Yeah, no, the Last Emperor.
It's about the last emperor ofChina.
Right, that was.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:17):
Jet Li or something?
No, it's about the last emperorof China, right, that was Jet
Li, or something.
No, isn't that the one wherethey shoot like a million arrows
and there are so many theycan't see?
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:23):
the sun.
Wow, I don't think you'vewatched this movie.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:26):
This is not the movie I'm thinking of?
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:29):
I think you're thinking of the House of
Flying Daggers or something likethat.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:32):
I don't know, but that was a good movie
and he dodged all of them.
Micah (Knob Twister) (20:36):
Yeah.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (20:38):
So they started and the horse, who was
not a wizard for nothing, toldthe princess exactly where she
was to look for the holy waterwhile laying a sick beatbox
track from the movie theExorcist.
That's the only music I knowfrom the Exorcist.
(20:59):
That's the only music I knowfrom the.
Micah (Knob Twister) (21:00):
Exorcist.
No, that was.
That's the Shining.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:05):
I never watched the Exorcist.
I was with a little girl with aspinning head right.
Micah (Knob Twister) (21:10):
Yes, that is correct.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:11):
I have to sleep at night, so I don't watch
that stuff.
It stands, he said, on thealtar of the little church and
is guarded by a troop of nuns.
Andrea (21:25):
They never sleep, night or day but every now and then a
hermit comes to visit them.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:34):
This is a huge paragraph.
Andrea (21:38):
And from him they learn certain things.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:42):
It is needful for them to know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (21:47):
That's weird.
Learn certain things.
It's needful for them to know.
What do the nuns need to know?
Good hygiene.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (21:59):
How to fold their habits.
I don't know.
It's odd how to make rosaries.
Micah (Knob Twister) (22:04):
Why is this one friar come?
They didn't say it was a friarthey said it was a hermit.
Why does this one hermit cometo meet all these?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (22:13):
nuns.
Why do you think this hermitcomes to meet all these nuns and
to teach them all they need toknow this is getting dirty and
it needs to stop.
They're nuns.
When this happens, only one ofthe nuns remains on guard at a
time, and if we are lucky enoughto hit upon this moment we may
(22:37):
get hold of the vase at once Ifnot we shall have to await the
arrival of the hermit, howeverlong it may be, for there is no
other means of obtaining theholy water I've shaken all the
(22:59):
spit out of my face.
Micah (Knob Twister) (23:00):
I know it sounds almost painful.
Dr. Know All (23:05):
This would have been a great time for a cup of
tea and a chat with the nuns.
Most of these situations can beresolved if both parties will
sit down and talk about theirdifferences.
Mr. Death Hades (23:17):
Am I missing something?
Why do they even need this holywater?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (23:22):
What do you know about holy water, Dad?
Doesn't it burn your face off?
Mr. Death Hades (23:26):
I bathe in it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (23:28):
Yeah, you do not Liar.
Just listen to the story anddon't spoil, I think he's got a
point.
Micah (Knob Twister) (23:35):
Well, I guess the point really is she
just doesn't want to marry himbut so she's asking, like I said
, the impossible task.
But seriously the question whywould you even need the holy
what's so special about thisholy water.
It can't be that much morespecial than what they could
have gotten in their own country, right?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (23:55):
Just go down to your local Catholic
church and have a priest blesssome water.
That's right.
Micah (Knob Twister) (23:59):
They came inside of the church beyond the
Jordan and, to their great joy,beheld the hermit Just arriving
at the door.
Hey, it's a miracle.
They could hear him calling thenuns around him.
Here.
Now stop, nanny, nanny, nanniesis that your nun call I don't
(24:22):
know, I gotta have a creepy,creepy type voice.
You have to do like a turkey.
Gobble here, nuns here, nanny,nanny, nann, stop it, I've got
something for you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (24:37):
He has needful things for them to learn
.
Micah (Knob Twister) (24:41):
Oh boy.
And saw them settle themselvesunder a tree.
Oh, they're going to learn.
With the hermit in their midst,All but one who remained on
guard, as was the custom.
So she drew the short straw.
This is weird.
Or maybe she lucked out?
Yeah, I think she lucked out.
(25:02):
The hermit had a great deal tosay, of course, and the day was
very hot.
So the nun tied the hermit tothe tree, I mean, tired of
sitting by herself, lay downright across the threshold and
fell sound asleep.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (25:23):
She just took a nap in the doorway.
Micah (Knob Twister) (25:24):
She's not a very good guard.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (25:26):
Well, she was tired and she was a nun.
That's a hard job, I don't know.
You have to smack people withrulers all the time.
That's exhausting.
Micah (Knob Twister) (25:36):
I'm actually just thinking of the
quest for Holy Grail.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (25:40):
Run away, run away.
Micah (Knob Twister) (25:44):
What was the castle that they went into
with all the nuns, the nunnery?
Oh my gosh.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (25:53):
I forgot what was that called.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
They put the grail light up.
Micah (Knob Twister) (25:59):
Yes, and it always brings the Zoot,
they're so naughty.
I need a spanking For luringthe knights with the promise of
the grail.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:11):
It was called Castle Anthrax wasn't it?
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:14):
I don't think Really.
Now you're going to have torax,wasn't it?
I don't think really.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:16):
Now you're going to have to find out.
I think it was.
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:21):
But that doesn't make sense, I know.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:23):
That whole movie didn't make sense.
They ran around cloppingcoconuts together.
The whole movie.
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:30):
The castle ?
Yes, it is the Castle, anthrax.
What?
Dr. Know All (26:37):
It doesn't even make sense.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:37):
It's a sad day when passing ruffians will
stop and say meh to an old woman.
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:42):
Oh yes, Eight score young blondes and
brunettes, all between 16 and 19and a half.
They weren't nuns.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (26:52):
Were they?
They weren't nuns.
Micah (Knob Twister) (26:54):
No, I guess not.
They were just keepers of thecastle anthrax.
But I don't know.
They kind of look nunnery if Iremember correctly.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (27:04):
I think that was supposed to be the idea
.
Yeah anyways we have the nunssleeping in the doorway we have
we strayed we went very farastray.
Uh, then sunlight told theprincess what she was to do and
the girl stepped softly over thesleeping nun, crept like a cat
along the dark aisle, feelingthe wall with her fingers lest
(27:27):
she should fall over somethingand ruin it by all the noise.
But she reached the altar insafety and found a vase of holy
water standing on it.
This she thrust into herclothing and went back with the
same care as she came.
But she reached the altar insafety and found a vase of holy
water standing on it.
This she thrust into herclothing and went back with the
same care as she came.
With a bound, she was in thesaddle and seizing the rain's
bathed sunlight.
Take her home as fast as hislegs would carry him.
(27:47):
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum bum,bum, bum, bum.
Micah (Knob Twister) (27:52):
More beatboxing.
The sound of the flying hoovesaroused the nun oh God Stop.
Who understood instantly thatthe precious treasure was stolen
.
Dr. Know All (28:06):
Oh no.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (28:08):
It could have just been the mail guy Just
put some more water in a vaseand stick it up there.
Who would know?
Micah (Knob Twister) (28:13):
Yes, Jeez, and her shrieks were so loud
and piercing that all the restcame flying to see what was the
matter.
Wait, it was flying nuns.
Flying, it does say flying.
That was funny.
The hermit followed at theirheels but, seeing it, was
(28:37):
impossible to overtake the thieffor he had to pull his pants up
.
He fell on his knees and calledhis most deadly curse down on
her head praying that if thethief was a man, he might become
a woman, and if she was a woman, that she might become a man.
In either case, he thought thatthe punishment would be severe.
Dr. Know All (29:00):
See, this could have all been avoided with a
little communication.
Communication is key.
Mr. Death Hades (29:06):
That's not a deadly curse.
I have a few deadly curses thatthe good father might like to
have for just such occasions.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:18):
We Death.
I don't even know what to dowith you anymore.
Micah (Knob Twister) (29:21):
That is not even a deadly curse.
I mean seriously.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:25):
Well, I don't know why they called it.
I can think of ten things.
Micah (Knob Twister) (29:27):
That would be way worse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:28):
I don't know why they called it a deadly
curse.
I think that was a misnomer.
It wasn't deadly, it wassupposed to be perplexing and
awful.
Micah (Knob Twister) (29:35):
You know what it is.
It just fits the story.
Well, it had to.
I know it had to wrap it upSometime.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:42):
It's only been 72 pages.
But, it seems awfullyconvenient that that was the
deadliest curse the hermit knew.
Oh well, I don't know who wouldthat kill.
Micah (Knob Twister) (29:57):
Didn't kill anyone, I know, but it just
changed your sex.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (29:59):
It was a sex change.
Micah (Knob Twister) (30:00):
If you were a dude, it's a sex change
curse.
Well, in this case it works outright.
It would be a little bitunusual if if you were married,
it'd be a little unusual and youcame home and you're like hi,
honey, I'm.
I mean hi honey, I'm home and Igot a new pair of things and
(30:24):
hint, hint, it's not below thebelt anymore.
I don't judge, we're not judging, but that would be an awkward
situation, don't you think itwouldn't deadly?
It wouldn't be a deadly curse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (30:36):
Well, it could be deadly, Because your
wife could be like what the helldid you do Chucking things at?
Mr. Death Hades (30:41):
you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (30:43):
Knives and big iron pots.
Yeah, I could see, butpunishments are things about
which people do not always agree.
As hey, that was a veryappropriate sentence, and when
the princess suddenly felt shewas really the man she had
pretended to be, she wasdelighted.
(31:04):
She was delighted, absolutelydelighted.
And if the hermit had only beenwithin reach, she would have
thanked him from her heart.
She would have given him a bigold kiss.
Micah (Knob Twister) (31:16):
So much for a deadly curse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (31:18):
Yeah, I don't know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (31:20):
She'd be high-fiving him.
Dr. Know All (31:22):
This young lady may have had a little gender
dysphoria, but it seems like itwas resolved without too much
emotional trauma.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (31:30):
You know, I don't think Dr Noah has really
much help at all.
Micah (Knob Twister) (31:34):
I was going to say I'm no doctor
myself, but I think that I couldprobably get in a little more
depth of the psychology of thisstory than Mr Dr Noir.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (31:48):
Dr Noir, next time we're laying off the
honey, whiskey and the Netflixand we're not paying you.
No, we're not paying you anyway.
Micah (Knob Twister) (31:57):
Oh well, I did cut a check.
Dr. Know All (32:01):
Oh well, I very much appreciate the check and I
will sit over here and be quietfrom here on out.
That's not true, thank, you.
Micah (Knob Twister) (32:08):
He talks on the next page.
By the time she reached theemperor's court, frontrunners
looked a young man all over inthe eyes of everyone, and even
the mother of the genius wouldnow have had her doubts set at
rest.
He drew forth the vase from histunic and held it up to the
(32:32):
emperor, saying Mighty Sov.
Mighty Sovereign, all hail.
I have fulfilled this task also, and I hope it is the last you
have for me.
Let another now take his turn.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (32:51):
No one noticed that voice change and
the emperor said my, what a deepvoice you have now.
You went from a southern bellto a steroided out.
Micah (Knob Twister) (33:04):
Russian.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (33:06):
I am content.
Frontiers, replied the emperor,and when I am dead, it is you
who will sit upon my throne, ForI have yet no son to come after
me.
But if one has given me and mydearest wish is accomplished,
then you shall be his right handand guide him with your
counsels.
Micah (Knob Twister) (33:27):
I was very grateful of him.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (33:28):
Oh, he's finally said thank you.
Micah (Knob Twister) (33:30):
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (33:32):
After fourteen impossible tasks.
Micah (Knob Twister) (33:34):
That's right.
But though the emperor wassatisfied, il's pretty cool
After 14 impossible tasks,that's right.
But though the emperor wassatisfied, ilion was not.
And she determined to revengeherself on the emperor for the
dangers which he had causedfrontrunners to run.
And as for the vase of holywater, she thought that, in
common politeness, her suitorought to have fetched it himself
(33:58):
, I agree which he could havedone without any risk at all.
What?
Andrea (34:03):
And furthermore, she thought out loud, this would
make a fantastic Netflix showand if I were to produce it, it
would make me very rich.
I don't know if that was partof the story or not, but it's
written right there, so wouldmake me very rich, I don't know
if that was part of the story ornot, but it's written right
there so I'll go with it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (34:20):
So the emperor apparently could have
just walked up and asked for it.
Micah (Knob Twister) (34:24):
Well, it would have been a long walk, but
yeah, I think he probably couldhave.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (34:30):
He said nuns, give me the damn water.
Micah (Knob Twister) (34:33):
Well, he is a sultan, right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (34:35):
Well, he's a sovereign and emperor A
sovereign and emperor Could havejust brought his army behind
him, I guess, and said here,give me the water, or I'll just
wipe you out and take it.
Whatever, I don't know.
Dr. Know All (34:48):
This is another great example where
communication could havede-escalated the situation.
We must all learn to expressour feelings in a healthy manner
.
Mr. Death Hades (34:57):
Feelings only muck up the situation.
I prefer a clear head, absentof feelings, so that I might
keep to the task at hand.
Reaping, oh boy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (35:09):
You don't have any feelings, you're dead.
Mr. Death Hades (35:13):
That hurt my feelings.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (35:26):
Duché, just feelings you're dead.
That hurt my feelings.
Duche, just polish your sight,be quiet.
That's not helpful.
So she ordered the great bathto be filled with the milk of
her mares.
Here we go.
Where, where was all this milk?
I guess in just 100 jars aroundI guess it was rotting because
that that was a long trip to thejordan river well, there wasn't
a big field full of ice,apparently, so they could just
sit down there, oh yeah, yeah,this the milk was probably, it's
(35:47):
still sitting on the ice.
On the ice, uh, I wonder if thehorses ever got out no, they're
probably all dead.
Now it's only two people thatget to live forever, because
they killed all the magic horseswith the ice.
And she begged the emperor toclothe himself in white robes
and to enter the bath with her,an invitation he accepted with
(36:08):
joy.
Then, when both were standingin the milk reaching their their
necks, she sent for the horse,which had fought sunlight, and
made a secret sign to him oh,this is going to get kinky.
This is like horse signlanguage.
The horse understood what hewas to do and from one nostril
(36:29):
he breathed fresh air over Ilana.
Dr. Know All (36:32):
Oh, I bet that was sweet.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (36:33):
Felt good and snotty.
And from the other he snorted aburning wind which shriveled up
the emperor where he stood,leaving only a heap of ashes.
Oh my gosh, that's some nastyhorse breath.
Whew, Glad he didn't get thenostrils mixed up.
Mr. Death Hades (36:49):
Didn't leave much for me to reap.
It's so hard to carve a bash aswith a sickle.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (36:56):
You don't reap bodies, do you?
Micah (Knob Twister) (36:57):
You reap souls, Death you better.
Mr, Mr Hades, you better get adustpan.
Might be a good thing to keepin your robes.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (37:06):
You better read up on your job description
.
Micah (Knob Twister) (37:10):
His strange death, which no one
could explain, made a greatsensation throughout the country
, and the funeral his peoplegave him was the most splendid
ever known.
Not sure that he deserved it,but Probably not.
Andrea (37:25):
When it was over, Ilyan summoned Fretfreners before her
and addressed him thus ThusFretfreners, it is you who
brought me and have saved mylife and obeyed my wishes Thus.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (37:54):
Weird.
Mr. Death Hades (37:56):
Yes, I will marry.
Micah (Knob Twister) (37:57):
You said the young man with a voice
almost as soft as when he was aprincess, uh-oh.
Whoops, sorry, yes, I will marryyou, but know that in our house
it will be the cock who singsand not the hen.
Then in our house it will bethe cock who sings, and not the
(38:18):
hen.
Dr. Know All (38:22):
We took all equality and threw it out the
door.
Well, that ended on a veryterribly sexist note.
I'm not sure there's anything Ican do to help further here.
Where's the?
Micah (Knob Twister) (38:32):
honey whiskey.
Finally, I agree with you, Dr.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (38:35):
Know know all first helpful thing you've
said in like 10 pages exceptthat you already drank all the
honey whiskey that's true.
Micah (Knob Twister) (38:45):
So how does the girl who becomes a man,
become the chauvinist pig.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (38:53):
What she was?
A girl up until the last twopages, and then, all of a sudden
, she's a chauvinist.
Shut your mouth, wench, it's myrules.
Micah (Knob Twister) (39:04):
What Illion might have been better
off with the dead emperor.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (39:08):
I don't know that could have been such a
happy ending.
I know.
Micah (Knob Twister) (39:13):
Let's just rewrite it.
It ended horribly.
Let's do it.
Let's up yes, I will marry you,said the young man with a voice
almost as soft as when he was aprincess, and he remembered
when he was a princess and howhe or she had wanted to be
treated right.
So he got down on one knee andsupplicated himself to his wife
(39:37):
or soon-to-be wife where arethey married already?
no his soon-to-be wife and begthat she would love him forever
and kissed her toes this isgetting gross and I don't know
if it needs to be that extreme.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (39:54):
Okay, but then they lived as equals,
happily ever after.
Micah (Knob Twister (39:58):
High-fiving .
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (39:58):
And shared all the duties.
Yes, and the bank account Tookturns wearing pants.
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:05):
Yes, and gave each other back massages
every other night.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:10):
There you go.
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:11):
While watching Netflix.
That's right, and they also leteach other choose movies.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:17):
They watched movies that they didn't
like.
Yes For each other.
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:21):
For each other.
Compromise the end Bam.
We nailed it Boom.
That ending was awesome.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:32):
I'll wear the penalty around here, wench.
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:35):
Stop it, dustin.
We got rid of that ending, it'sso crazy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:41):
I've only been a boy for two days.
But listen here, woman.
Is it finally over?
Micah (Knob Twister) (40:47):
I'd like to thank Mr Death Hades and Dr
Knowall for joining us on thisincredible three-part journey.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (40:57):
Well, I'd like to not invite Mr Death
Hades back because he's creepyand not helpful.
Micah (Knob Twister) (41:04):
Well, he also is our health director, so
See what good that's doing me.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (41:10):
He's trying to kill me.
Micah (Knob Twister) (41:11):
He's the head of our human resources
department.
So Death.
I suggest that you just comeback on monday ready to work.
We've got lots of paperwork foryou to uh to uh finger through,
or?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (41:27):
bone through all the employees that
died over the weekend yeah, ohwell.
Micah (Knob Twister) (41:33):
Um, we might have a lawsuit on our hand
if Dr Knowall drives home drunkagain, and we'd like to thank
you, the listener, for hangingout this long and hearing this
great and amazing ending.
If you like it, or you have abetter ending for us, go to our
(41:54):
website at talesofbedlamcom,click on this episode.
That would be the girl whowanted to be a boy or something.
The girl who pretended to be aboy, part three, and leave a
comment.
You can leave it as long as youwant.
You could write a whole newending.
It could be ten pages long and,you know, if it's really really
(42:14):
good, we might do a bonusepisode with it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (42:17):
We'll read it.
We'll read the ending.
We're not reading this wholestory again.
Micah (Knob Twister) (42:21):
We will read it and we will make fun of
it.
Just for you, you're welcome.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (42:26):
Very likely to happen.
Micah (Knob Twister) (42:28):
So TalesOfBethlehemcom.
Like and subscribe.
You know what?
I've heard both ways, that ithelps and it doesn't help, but I
don't really care.
You know what it would help myego if you gave me five stars
and wrote me a nice reviewsaying hey, you know what
SofaSitter and KnobTwister, youguys rock and we love you and
(42:48):
hang in there.
Okay, good night, bye-bye now.
Good night, bye-bye now.
Andrea (43:00):
What a weird story.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (43:02):
I forgot that ending.
It was just so abrupt and rude.
Micah (Knob Twister) (43:11):
Especially considering that she knows how
it is.
I mean, she was just bulliedaround by the Emperor for For 30
pages.
Yeah, going on like deathdefying stunts for this guy dad
treated her like a littleuseless girl and no well, yeah,
no, her dad was preparing her Iwould argue that I think he
(43:32):
loved her.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (43:32):
He was saying you won't be able to do
it, You're a girl.
He never said that he said itto all three of them?
Micah (Knob Twister) (43:39):
No, he didn't.
He said that they could do whatthey'd like, and then he
challenged them and only one ofthem passed the tests Prevailed.
Prevailed.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (43:53):
I kind of remember that, but I don't.
Micah (Knob Twister) (43:57):
You remember, he turned into the
wolf and then the lion and thedragon.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:00):
I don't remember what he said to him,
though he even had one of hisheads cut off.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:05):
Girls.
He never said that.
He never said that.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:11):
I wish I had a son, because girls are
useless.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:13):
No, he said weird things like birds
make honey or some weird thing.
Remember he'd say these weirdplatitudes of what was it?
I don't know, I'll never findit.
There's like 50 pages here.
He had really weird things, soanyway, yeah well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:36):
I agree.
Now I'm going to have to gohome and watch the Holy.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:40):
Grail.
That's a good movie.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:44):
It's on one of the streaming things.
I can't remember which one itis.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:47):
It's one of the best movies really.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (44:50):
I do have it on DVD, though, just in case
it's not streaming at a certaintime.
Micah (Knob Twister) (44:55):
I guess we could have asked dr noah.
He went and researched itremember now he's gone.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter) (45:00):
Uh, there was two weird things.
Micah (Knob Twister) (45:02):
He said yeah, he said some odd things I
was at the beginning yep, it was.
I just don't know where thebeginning was, because we threw
this down and in a big mess iswhat we did.
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