S3E3 (Bee) - This Podcast Started My Kink Journey

When Bea stumbled into the kink community through a Twitch stream, little did she know it would lead her to share her story with us. Her candid revelations about the cry kink—and the unexpected proposition to monetize her tears—open up a world where non-sexual acts take on an erotically charged meaning, and where auditory allure meets emotional complexity. Join us as Bea, accompanied by insights from Mistress Graves and our kink oracle Tosin, guides us through the surprising ways everyday moments can intertwine with kink, challenging our perceptions and inviting us to listen closely to the subtleties of human desire.

As the conversation unfolds, we trace the transformation of a once vanilla relationship into a dynamic playground of BDSM, where labels like 'daddy', 'little', and 'sub' are more than mere titles—they're a language of love, power, and vulnerability. Bea's personal tale, peppered with guidance from our guests, underscores the pivotal role of communication in navigating the evolving desires and boundaries within a relationship. Whether you're seasoned in the world of BDSM or simply curious about the dance of dominance and submission, this episode promises a compelling look at the trust, respect, and open-mindedness that weaves the rich tapestry of a BDSM partnership.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Well, well, well, go ahead and open up your ears,
your mind and whatever else youneed.
You're listening to Talk Dirtyto Me.

Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello all you sexy beasts and welcome back to Talk
Dirty to Me, the podcast wherethree friends with three
different perspectives on kink,fetish and sex talk dirty to one
another.
And with us today we have TosinAouf, so the kink oracle.

Speaker 1 (00:36):
Ahoy.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
We have Aaron, who I have not bequeathed a title unto
yet.
It will happen all in due time,naturally, but it's not there
yet.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
With due time.
Salutations.

Speaker 2 (00:50):
And myself, casey, your neighborhood femdom.
Hey friends, hey sexy beasts,we have a delightful guest for
you tonight and I'm going to letTosin take it away.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Hi, so everyone, this is Bea.
She messaged us on our forum,which you should go fill out,
littlerenegadefilmscom slashtalkdirtyandme to send it in,
and just blessed us with themost heartwarming story, talking
about how she found the podcastand has been listening to it
since it started.

(01:23):
And one of the reallyinteresting parts to me and what
I'd like to hear from you.
First, and you know, pleaseintroduce yourself and all of
that.
But we know we know each otherbecause we're in a mutual
discord, together with someonewho goes by Mistress Graves, who
I went to high school, I wentto middle school, high school
with, and I've known for yearsand years.
Yeah, so, first off, I waswondering, I was curious about

(01:46):
how you met them or came acrossthem and, you know, just would
love to hear in your own wordsyour perspective on how you
found the podcast and how thatkicked off your King journey and
all of that.
But, yeah, how did you, how didyou meet Mistress Graves?

Speaker 4 (02:00):
So met her through Twitch.
We just a lot of mutuals endedup bringing us into the same
group.
I'm trying to think back now.
I think it was might have beencaprice and poppy that brought
us all together, or at leastthat's how the introduction
started.

Speaker 1 (02:13):
A person yeah, they're twitch stream.

Speaker 4 (02:15):
But that was I.
I think I started talking toher because of mutuals from
caprice channel and I fromCapri's channel and I was
absolutely enthralledimmediately because she was so
open about being a femdom andcreating sort of that space in
her Discord about askingquestions related to BDSM,

(02:37):
fetish, kink, etc.
And that was how I met Tosin.
What had happened was I wasTwitch streaming at the time and
I decided to do instead ofeveryone was doing try not to
laugh challenges and I am reallyquick to cry.
So instead I was like let's do atry not to cry challenge and
someone DM'd me on Twitter whenI made the announcement and said
I will pay you $300 for a goodcry and I was and at first just

(03:01):
shock and horror and I was justlike that was rather forward,
and then, rather than likeimmediately get the ick which I
think five years ago me wouldhave been like aghast instead
Immediate curiosity.
So I jumped into Mr Skate'sdiscord and was just like, hey,
can someone fill me in why Like,why, how, why, like.

(03:27):
I wanted to understand where,like where's why, people are
interested in, why, why peoplewould be interested in a cry
kink.
What sort of you know what sortof dopamine are we getting from
that sort of like?
They wanted you to cry, yes,they wanted me to cry on camera
for them, and so I've been usingmy acting skills incorrectly.

Speaker 2 (03:41):
What?

Speaker 4 (03:42):
yeah, you could make your billions apparently 300, to
cry on camera for five minutes,I mean sure, but at the time I
was just completely shocked andso I threw it in the discord and
toson was the first one toimmediately respond and talked
about, you know, auditoryfixation and sort of what can,
sort of the different areaswhere that can kind of like

(04:04):
spark your, spark your brain,whether it's because of because
crying sounds very similar tomoaning, or it can also be sort
of a gratification thing whereyou can take someone from crying
and bring them out of cryinginto a happier place.
Tosin can probably put it a lotbetter than I ever could, but
that was where the conversationstarted with Tosin and in the
same breath he was like you know, we have a podcast coming up

(04:27):
that we're going to talk aboutall kinds of stuff like this, so
please check it out when itcomes out.
Well, I think like a couplemonths later.
There it was, and I was hookedever since.

Speaker 1 (04:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (04:36):
I just like listening .

Speaker 1 (04:36):
I did just go look and pull it, pull up that
conversation and yeah, we talkedin like September of that that
year and the first episode ofthe podcast came out like
October 3rd.

Speaker 4 (04:49):
Oh wow, it was really that fast, Neat.

Speaker 1 (04:52):
I was like it was right on the heels of it.

Speaker 3 (04:54):
I was just like so did you cry for $300?

Speaker 4 (04:56):
No, I did not cry for $300.
Really, my partner at the time.
Because my partner at the timeI don't did not.
Even I couldn't imagine that hewould take it well, so I didn't
even ask.

Speaker 2 (05:07):
It's so funny to me when non-sexual things people
have a problem with and maybe itcan be viewed as sexual, but I
feel like I would want to go tosomeone and be like I paid three
hundred dollars to cry for aguy yeah, and they'd be like
nice.

Speaker 3 (05:20):
And this would have been like on camera, not in
person.

Speaker 4 (05:30):
Correct, and this would have been like on camera,
not in person, correct, it wouldhave been on camera.
He wanted me to record myselfcrying for basically as long as
I could, so that was yeah, thatwas the.
That was the request.
He wanted me to cry on camera,and I've, rather than like
completely shoot him down, I waslike or you could just watch
the twitch stream, I don't carewhat you do in your free time,
because I did indeed cry oncamera for two hours doing that
try not to cry challenge.
Almost every video someone sentme made me cry, so there was
that.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
I didn't know there was such thing as a cry kink,
which I feel like an idiotsaying at this point in the
podcast, like everything, Iguess is a kink yeah, it has,
like it has a very cool namenecrophilia.

Speaker 1 (05:58):
Yeah, I was just like , oh, that's, that's a good word
it sounds a lot likenecrophilia.
It does it does, which is alsoa word that is fun to say not
necessarily my thing, I enjoysaying it so B you.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
So this gentleman asking you to cry for money and
listening to the podcast was thebeginning of your kink journey,
is that correct?

Speaker 4 (06:21):
yeah, in a sense I've always known that I was kinky.
In a way I always knew, like Idon't even know how long, like
probably since I was in my lateteens, early twenties, I knew I
was a sub.
I knew it like from the, fromthe jump, but I had no
confidence to explore that atall, especially when we're
talking in the early 2000s, likewe're that kind of era.

(06:45):
There wasn't a lot of opendialogue about it like by any
stretch of the imagination, orat least not that was easily
accessible, so I kind ofsquashed it for the better part
of a decade.
When I met my now ex six yearsago, he, the first year of us
dating, was very vanilla, verynormal, but I could see the

(07:05):
signs if that made sense that hewas into some things and he
hinted at it too.
He was just like hey, if youever want to explore, you know,
bondage or sensory deprivation,things like that, let's talk
about it.
Cool, great, awesome.
A year into us dating, likeactually on our anniversary, I
asked him if he, if he wanted meto call him daddy and he said

(07:27):
yes.
I don't know why I thought hewould, but just the vibes were
there.
So I asked him.
He said yes, and then the like,all bets were off.
Then the door was opened to him, talking about, you know, being
a dom, what that meant to him,how I might be interested in
exploring that.
Do I want to be treated as alittle?
What is a little?

(07:47):
Or like?
Do I want to be a sub?
What does that mean for me?
Here's some things that I wouldthink of that you might want to
try, etc.
Etc.
So, very, very slowly, exploringthis this was 2018, 2019, but
it was still.
I was all.
I had only one source of truthfor this, which was him, and

(08:10):
that was fine for a whilebecause, you know, I was very
new to it and I only wanted toparticipate with him.
So learning with him was fine,but as the years went by, I
started, I started realizingthat our dynamic was not what I
wanted it to be anymore.
Where you know, we had, you know, a big and little relationship
where you know he was he made.
Where you know we had, you know, a big and little relationship
where you know he was he madesure, you know, like, very
taking care of me.

(08:31):
It wasn't necessarily age play,it was more of just, I am small
, treat me like small.
So making sure that you know,making sure that I take my meds
and have my breakfast and youknow, making me a snack in the
middle of the day, making sure Itake naps, giving me time to
color, buying me cute littlethings to wear like little what
is it?
Onesies and pretty floofyskirts and fluffy socks and all

(08:53):
the things, pigtails and all ofthat.
And then eventually thatdynamics expanded to also pet
play.
So I was kitten and that for himmeant making, taking.
You know making sure I wasgroomed.
So he's making sure that myhair is done, my nails are done,
that you know that I'm wearingclothes that fit.
You know doing sort of thedress up things.
I had a day collar that I hadto wear out if I didn't wear it.

(09:16):
You know punishment came tolater, trying to think of what
else?
Sort of like expanded fromthere, oh.
And then that's also how Ilearned I'm a service sub of
like expanded from there, oh andthen that's also how I learned
I'm a service sub, so Also bypeople.
What's that?

Speaker 1 (09:27):
I said also by people .

Speaker 4 (09:29):
Also by people.
My people oh my people Got it,my people yes.
So for me that then that's kindof where sort of my identity
sits now is 100 percent.
I see myself as a service subwith a huge praise kink.
You can say anything to me, aslong as Maya's in front of it,
I'm a happy camper.
So yeah, that ended upexpanding to me, basically

(09:51):
waiting on him hand and foot andenjoying that.
So I would prep his clothes forthe day.
I would, whenever he hadwriting to do because he was a
writer or is a writer, I wouldeven help him proofread it.
I would help set schedules,make appointments, things like
that, and then when it came toend of the day, you know,

(10:11):
dressing him down, bathing himhead to foot, basically being a
valet, I guess, is right theword.
The right word for that valetwas like my favorite kind of
system to sort of have that funand engagement with him.
And then sometimes that wasjust simply the lifestyle, and
then sometimes that led to sex,but it was very much a lifestyle
and not just a play situation.

(10:31):
It started as play and thenbecame like a 24-7 thing and
that again was fine for a while.
But at the same time I was alsodealing with sort of mental
health struggles, understandingthat I am bipolar and getting
that diagnosis.
And then I spent two yearsdealing with medications and
things like that and going totherapy and I learned over time

(10:54):
that all of this that I wasdoing with my partner, while
enjoyable and I loved it and allof that, a lot of it ended up
becoming sort of a codependencymechanism or codependency thing,
where it was a coping strategyfor dealing with my daily life
and then, as I got moreindependent, it ended up causing
a strain in our relationshipbecause my partner expected to

(11:18):
continue to control my life andit went from being sort of know
sort of this little big andhaving you know sort of an
exchange of you know power.
It became a total powerexchange and I found myself
fighting against it and not in afun way.
This was around the time thatactually I started talking.

(11:38):
I started being in the samespaces as Tosin, talking about
fetish and kink and learning,like the three years that you
guys have been doing the two orthree years you guys have been
doing the podcast.
During that time I startedlearning about you know
contracts.
I didn't know you could putthat on paper.
I started learning about.
You know the differencesbetween you know sort of the

(11:59):
dynamics of having.
You know having a dom in yourlife and what that can mean,
that there are levels to thatit's not all or nothing.
And then learning more aboutsort of safety and negotiation.
So yeah, wild journey.

Speaker 2 (12:14):
Wait.
So he introduced you to allthis and he didn't tell you
about any of that.

Speaker 4 (12:18):
No, there were a lot of gaps, a lot of gaps,
unfortunately, like at one pointI actually I forget which
episode of the podcast you guysactually talked about contracts
and I was just like.
I immediately went and did amountain of research, came to
him and said, okay, we need acontract because we're not on
the same page anymore.
Can we make a contract?
And he said, sure, write one.

(12:39):
And I'm like why?

Speaker 3 (12:40):
is it only?

Speaker 4 (12:41):
that's not my job.

Speaker 1 (12:44):
Yeah, that that leaves a leaves a bad taste in
my mouth, if especiallysomething that's 24 seven and
TPE, which is a very difficulttype of lifestyle to maintain
and a lot I have.
I pretty much hear two storiesabout TPEs.

(13:04):
It is either unfortunatelysimilar, similar to yours, where
it's like a kink relationshipthat's usually in isolation,
like not encased inside a kinkcommunity, or doesn't have that
type of input around it thatlike progresses to progresses to
something that is likeconstantly happening 24 seven.
That is like constantlyhappening 24 seven.

(13:28):
Or it's like buying a house,rigorous, contract wise, because
it's like if, if, if, you'regoing to hand the reins of any
section of your life to me for24 seven.
There is a lot of things thatlike I need to communicate about
, like my capacity for it, howdo we exit it, how do we take
timeouts, what are like ways,like all of those things need to
be negotiated in a neutral, notpower exchange location, and

(13:50):
most of the times that I'veheard about are people in
relationships about it.
It's like, yeah, we werewriting out things for months
and we were figuring out allthese different things and you
know we had like escrow periodswhere it was like, okay, we're
gonna try this for this amountof time and see if we like this
free use part of the clauses,and so it's like it's a very to
do it what the ones that I'veseen done.
Well, it is very litigious atthe beginning on getting it done

(14:13):
, which I think it should be.
It's like that's.

Speaker 3 (14:15):
It's a lot of responsibility and a lot of
trust that has to be done tolike enter that and enjoy it
really well you shared a lotthere, and something that really
just stuck out to me at the endis that it doesn't sound like
there's like an inch of brat inyou, and I say that because,
like my partner, bratz hard andlike she would have, just like

(14:37):
the contract would have comeback with I do what I want on it
.
It's funny you say that.

Speaker 1 (14:42):
I saw, I saw, I saw that.
I saw that shrug and turtle, Iwas just like oh, oh, the plot
thickens.

Speaker 4 (14:47):
The plot thickens.
So I recently started engagingin a sort of I don't even call
it, I guess you'd call itfriends with benefits, I guess
what you'd call it.
Right now I have a friend thatthe moment he found out I was
single, it was game on and Ididn't turn him down.
I actually did one of thosethings.

(15:07):
I literally, in my head, wentlike, as I realized that he was
hitting on me, that he wastrying to make something happen,
I'm in my own head.
I said what would a bad bitchdo right now?
Good question, oh yeah, and withthat, I ended up turning to him
and I'm still.
I've literally turned.
I feel my face getting redbecause I can't believe.
I said this out loud.
But I turned to him and I saidare we gonna pretend that

(15:28):
something isn't happening here,or are you going to kiss me?

Speaker 1 (15:31):
that he did you did.

Speaker 3 (15:34):
Yes, you did I did so with him.

Speaker 4 (15:37):
It's been a very interesting journey in itself,
because I talked about it a bitwhen they're writing with you
guys is that he told me that heis a dom.
I don't think I have found outover time.
He likes to be dominant in bed.
This is true, but by, I think,anyone's standards, I would not
call him a dom.
I would say I guess the rightway to say is he is a pleasure

(15:58):
dom, not a lifestyle dom.
He likes to be dominant in bed.
He does not like to be toppedby any stretch of the
imagination, which all fine andwell and good.
But in my journey recently oflearning all of these wonderful
things, I've had a lot ofconversations with him about
these same things.
And what's great is that, eventhough he is not knowledgeable,
he is so open to learning.

(16:20):
So you know, asking him abouthim being a dom, I'm like okay,
what does that mean to you?
What experiences have you had?
What experiences are youinterested in having?
You know, if you're saying youwant, you know you want to be to
dom over me, what does thatmean to you?
You know, what are you lookingfor in that?
Like, what are you looking forfrom me and he sort of had like

(16:41):
the big question mark over hishead because it's like I've
never he's never had a sub.
So me sort of educating him onyou know what that means to me
being a sub, what does that looklike?
Engaging and play with him hasbeen a very, very interesting
and it feels sort of powerful, Iguess, to be able to have those
conversations and kind of theroles reversed, where I'm not

(17:03):
the one in the dark right nowbut I'm trying to be the person
I wish I had, sort of bringingthings to light and creating a
very safe space to explore andplay, sort of.
The moment that gave me thebiggest giggle is he was having
a really, really rough week andso I suggested a valet day, a
valet play date where I wouldcome over.

(17:25):
I would, you know, I'd cook himdinner, I'd dress him down.
He works at a job where he hasto wear a full suit.
So like, all right, I will, youknow, I'll put, I'll dress you
down, make sure your suit'staken care of.
You know I can run you a bath,I can bathe you up and down.
You know waiting oils and toolsand all of this stuff.
You know, just head to toe, youknow, and you can have freaking

(17:48):
.
You can use my, my head, my lapas a pillow and I can run my
hands through your hair untilyou fall asleep.
And if there's a blowjob mix inthere, I'll be happy.
It just so happens.
Yeah, it's just like.
You know, that's a nice reward,but it doesn't have to be.
And he was just kind of shocked, just kind of shocked.
And at one point he asked if Iwas getting romantic feelings

(18:08):
for him I go.

Speaker 1 (18:09):
No, sir, I'm just a sub.
I was like this is atransaction, okay, I just like
this yeah, and so that's been.

Speaker 4 (18:13):
That's.
That in itself has been reallyinteresting because you know,
I've always been in a state ofyou know monogamy all the time.
It's always.
You know whether, even when I'mlike in a state of you know
monogamy all the time, it'salways.
You know whether, even when I'mlike in a you know, friends
with benefits situation, I'vealways had those situations
where it's like, okay, we're notmonogamous in the sense that
we're not like going to go outand date but we are going to be

(18:35):
communicative, if we even thinkabout engaging in another
partner because health andsafety, and so with exploration
with him, I got to teach him thedefinition of solo poly which
he had.
He expressed wanting to be thatway, but he didn't have the word
for it and so he was just likeyou know, I want to be
polyamorous, but I, at the sametime, I don't want to have a

(18:57):
primary partner, I don't want tothink about moving in with
somebody, I want to keep, youknow, house and finances
separate.
I still want to be anindividual like, oh, so you want
to be solo poly.
He's like huh, look at what Onhis face was just priceless.
And that sort of leads me into.
While the podcast has beengreat and teaching me a lot, I
actually have a lovely friendwho is a pro fem dom and she has

(19:19):
been in the in the in the kinkcommunity for over a decade
doing what she does and it'sbeen fabulous having somebody
that I really like, I know andlove and adore, being able to
talk these things out with herand like really get into the
nitty gritty and for her to belike such a safe resource for
education as well.

Speaker 1 (19:38):
Ooh, can I get an example of nitty gritty?
Oh, that's, it is my.
It is my favorite part Likelike you.
You describing the look on onhis face when you said solo poly
, when like like that's one ofthe reasons I have educated
myself so much about so manykink things is like kink sex.
Sexuality is probably the mostfascinating thing to me about

(19:59):
human beings and I just I lovethe effect of someone being like
.
I feel like and I want this andstuff and I'm like yeah, here's
what it's called, here's thewhole thing about it, here's a
community you can go to get intoit.
Also, did you know thatprobably means you like this
other thing too?
Like that's fun.
So nitty gritty is my favorite,so I'd love an example of that

(20:20):
with that you talk about withyour femdom friend oh yeah.

Speaker 4 (20:23):
So she, she's fantastic.
She's actually who I learnedwhat solo poly is.
I learned from her because thatis what she practices nowadays,
which has been fascinatingbecause I get to see firsthand.
I'm like, what does thatactually look like?
And so she was just like okay,well, here's everyone in, you
know, here's everyone in my pod.
You know, when I introducesomeone into, you know, when I
introduce someone into, you know, when I introduce someone into

(20:46):
it, you know, I make sure thateveryone has an introduction.
Some people are, you know, longdistance, some are in town, but
when I feel like we've reacheda certain sort of emotional, you
know bar, you know, once thatbar has been crossed, then it's
time to introduce everyone toeverybody.
Make sure that we're all sortof copacetic, we all don't have

(21:09):
to get along, but I do want tomake sure everybody knows who's
here and I'm like okay, cool,Like, just things like that.
She has been showing me from herpersonal perspective about,
like where she's at and whatshe's doing.
But as far as her education tome, she was the one who kind of
enlightened me in the differenttypes of subs.
She was like you know, I getyour it's like cause I was
explaining to her about.
You know, I just really, youknow, I love when I get to see
the look on his face when hecomes home and I, you know, all

(21:31):
the dishes are done and I'vealready made his favorite food
and I have the whole couch laidout with comfy things so he can
kick back and play his favoritevideo game.
And when he's, while he'splaying and stuff, I'm going to
sit on the floor and I'm goingto give him a full pedicure and
he can tell me everything that'shappening on the screen behind
me while he's playing his game.
And she was just like so you'rea service sub?

(21:52):
I'm like what is that?
And then she, yeah, it wasgreat learning, you know,
learning from her just beinglike oh so if you're, if you're,
you know, if you find enjoymentin all these things, you know
that that that's seems likewhere you want to be.
And then she just kind of Idon't know, just gave like
having sort of a word to kind ofencompass those things.

(22:14):
It's kind of like, you know,findings, finding comfort and
having an identity in being ableto put words to different like
feelings and preferences andstuff like that.
The sub one was fantastic.
There's a big enlighteningmoment there with her.
And then she was with me everystep of the way when I started
realizing that my relationshipwas getting to a point of being,

(22:37):
you know, a total powerexchange without a contract.
And she was, you know, this waskind of in line.
I hadn't told her what I heardon the podcast, but she was just
like it sounds like you guysneed to renegotiate.
Do you even have a contract?
I'm like no.
So she helped me a lot, kind ofhelping me to kind of workshop

(22:57):
that conversation, basicallyhelping me kind of, I guess,
rehearse it and say you knowhere's, you know here's an
example of how you can bringthis up to him.
You know, if you want to, youknow, sort of act it out, we can
try, I can try to help you.
You know, work around some ofthe, the, the sort of abrasive
feelings that might come from it.
And it was, it was justfantastic.

(23:19):
She, she made the conversationeasy to have.
It's unfortunate that theconversation didn't go very well
, at least to my mind, buthaving someone there that can
just be like, you know, oh, ifhe tries to kind of shirk it off
, like we don't need a contract,we know what we like.
You know you can turn around tohim and say, hey, I feel like
my preferences have changed andI want to make sure that we are

(23:42):
absolutely on the same page, andI was like that is very
insightful and does not putblame on anyone, and that was a
very nice way to say that.

Speaker 2 (23:50):
So what happened to that relationship Cause it's
over now, correct?
Yes, it is.
How did how did that happen?

Speaker 4 (23:57):
So the I guess the simplest way to put it is that
between my, between my mentalhealth journey getting me to a
point where I felt like I didn'twant to be a 24-7 little
anymore and I didn't want thelevel of control in my life that
he had combined with his mentalhealth going to a decline and
kind of not getting to a pointwhere I saw any improvement

(24:20):
coming anytime soon, I just gotto a point where I felt I felt
you're in a very unhealthy placeand that I could not stay there
.
And it was tough because itfelt like I you know that
feeling of abandonment is strongwith him and then me sort of
feeling like I'm running away.
But at the same time I wastrying for the better part of

(24:43):
six months to put the piecesback together, to get us to a
point where we're back in alevel of mutual understanding
and mutual growth.
But it just wasn't coming andit got to a point where I tried
to leave.
He convinced me to stay andthat lasted for about a month
and then I just said I couldn'tdo it anymore.

(25:04):
So the breakup was hard.
It took an entire week to gethim to accept the fact that, no,
we are really broken up rightnow and that was tough, but
we're now two months.
It's already only been twomonths, jesus, we're just Wait.
This is that fresh.
Yeah, mid-december was when weactually broke up.
It was the last.
Six months leading up to itwere just a roller coaster of

(25:28):
emotion and a lot of argumentsand a lot of feelings getting
hurt and at least on my end Ifelt like I was making so many
compromises to the point where Iwas like I'm just not happy
anymore.
I found myself rebelling, andnot in like a bratty way, it was
more of just like I can't keepdoing what I've been doing.

(25:49):
It's just like.
I wish I had better words forfor how I felt in that moment,
but yeah, it sounded like youhad new.

Speaker 3 (25:57):
it sounds like you started to establish boundaries,
not really rebelling, yeah.

Speaker 4 (26:01):
Yeah, what you're sharing.

Speaker 3 (26:04):
Yeah, and I have a question about the evolution of
your relationship because itsounds like it was very much an
evolution.
You know, I believe I rememberhearing earlier, you know early
on, where he started kind ofexploring his dominance, that
it's.
You know, I heard signs of himbeing a service dom where, like

(26:25):
that, there was like caregivercomponents, where he was making
sure that you got dressed orbrushed your teeth or took your
pills.
I forget the specific examples.
Just as that evolved, youstarted taking on a well, I mean

(26:47):
you said a huge service roleyourself, caregiver role,

(27:10):
transfer from him servicing youand taking care of you to you
strictly, or you being primarilythe, the service person in the
relationship and the, I guesscertain sense, caregiver.

Speaker 4 (27:19):
I would say for the majority of our relationship it
was very much a give and take.
Him being a carer was, isabsolutely the hitting the nail
on the head with our dynamic isthat he was.
You know he was, he was verymuch a daddy Dom.
He took care of me in like justabout every sense of just like.
Anytime he saw like a shift inmy, shift in my like emotions

(27:40):
and stuff like that he couldtell I like, that he could tell
I was having.
He could tell I was dealingwith anxiety, before I could
figure out I was dealing withanxiety, and was the one to, you
know, catch it and wrap me upin a weighted blanket and give
me crayons and coloring and youknow say, ok, you need to take
30 minutes to decompress, go bea little over there and when
you're ready we can go take.
We can go take on the big stuff, like he would basically you

(28:02):
know he's like it's time.
He would basically kind of helpme decompress in a sense of
he's like, okay, it's time tostop pretending to be a big let
do you want to have some littletime?
And that would, you know thatwas the majority of our
relationship was very much thatway of, you know, feeling very
cared for from that perspective.
And then, as our relationshipprogressed, from when I kind of

(28:23):
shifted from just being a littleto then being what we call the
service pet, that was, you know,where I got to really be
nurturing in my own right of,you know, taking care, oh sorry,
taking very much kind of thetraditional female role in our
relationship, where he was verymuch taking on the male role of
making sure that, you know thethe more like that I was taking

(28:47):
care of from an emotionalperspective and taking on sort
of like the, the manly things.
If something's going on withthe car he's gonna, I don't even
have to look at it, I need tobe like, hey, it's, it's acting
weird.
Can you go look at the weirdthing, things that that helped
me feel really cared for.
A lot of it from him was from aemotional perspective, whereas

(29:07):
mine was more of acts of service.
Does that make sense?

Speaker 1 (29:10):
and it manly things was in quotes.
Everybody who's listening to it.

Speaker 4 (29:14):
Yes, manly things in quotes, yeah because people
didn't see the gesture.

Speaker 3 (29:18):
Have you heard of the phrase or kind of like movement
called trad wife?

Speaker 4 (29:25):
Trad wife.
No, what is that?

Speaker 1 (29:28):
Oh Lord.

Speaker 3 (29:31):
So, because it sounds almost adjacent to some of your
experiences, it's become itstands for traditional wife and
it is these relationshipdynamics that I think
traditionally come from peoplewith a strongly conservative

(29:56):
belief system that very muchlean into this.
He takes care of the air,quotes manly stuff, and she
stays at home and takes care oflike, the house and him.
And just the link while youwere sharing the context of this
from in the language of kinklike.

(30:21):
But when you mix service subwith TPE, it really sounded a
whole lot like this trad wifemovement, and so I was just
curious if that had like come upat all.

Speaker 4 (30:35):
I definitely understand that perspective.
I don't think we were quitethere.
The reason I say that isbecause it was never sort of I.
It was never sort of a you knowI belong in the kitchen, kind
of thing.

Speaker 1 (30:45):
It was, you know it sounds like he's missing the
incel component to it.

Speaker 4 (30:50):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah , no, that was.

Speaker 1 (30:52):
I will give him all the credit in the world.

Speaker 4 (30:54):
It never got there.
No, no, thankfully no, it nevergot there.
It was just more of he, likeyou know, taking on certain
activities helped him feel caredfor, but I was never required
to do any of those things.
It was never a sort ofstipulation and us having a good
relationship was did I do thedishes and did I sweep the

(31:15):
floors?
Like no, it was.
And you know, in a lot of ways,you know, I very much had my
own independence, in the senseof like he didn't expect me to
like quit my job and stay homewith him all day, kind of the
opposite.
I think the I think he wouldhave been very not too happy if
I tried to push sort of thatidea into our relationship.
But where I realized thingskind of like, where I don't

(31:38):
think I was very good atdefining how things kind of
shifted to that TPE was him kindof his, him having ultimate
control over my schedule.
So if I wanted to go, he's not,he's an introvert, doesn't I?
That makes me uncomfortable.
I'm so sorry.
I know it was uncomfortable butit became.
You know, if I was going outwith my friends, okay, who you

(31:59):
know, not so much who I'mhanging out with, but how long
am I going to be out?
Where am I going to be?
You know, if I wanted, if Ieven tried to say you know, I
don't know that would beuncomfortable, it's no, I have
to pick a time and come home atthat time.
And if I didn't come home atthat time, it was he was not
happy and it wasn't from it andit didn't feel good.

(32:20):
It's not in the sense of justlike wagging my finger at you
and you're gonna.
You know you'll be punishedlater.
It was just anger and that waswhere I kind of saw things
starting to go really downhill.
It's just, it's kind ofdifferent when you know you're
telling your little hey, you'regoing out on a Thursday and you
have work in the morning.
You know, I think you should behome at 10 30.
It's more of just like you areis like if, even if it was a

(32:44):
weekend and I wanted to go to aparty, and I know he knows and I
know that even though the partystarts at six, no one shows up
until 830.
So me leaving at 1030 is kindof weird.
But if I wanted to stay outlater than that, it became it.
I wouldn't even want to say afight, because I don't fight If
someone says no, I'm just goingto shrink, or at least I did.
I'm trying not to do that now.

(33:04):
But that was where, you know,things to me started to become
unhealthy, and even when Iwanted to do something last
minute with my friends, that wasa problem.
It was, for him, a feeling ofabandonment, of like I'm leaving
, I mean I'm, I'm ditching himin favor of other people, and so
that was and it.

(33:25):
But the thing is, it wasn'talways that way.
It was within, you know, thelast two years.
You know the first four yearswere fan, freaking, tastic, and
then it seemed like, as mymental health was getting better
, our relationship was gettingworse, because yeah and in
talking to him he was verydirect, most recently saying
that he no longer felt like aprovider.

(33:45):
He did not feel like which isthe role that he wanted to be.
He wanted to be the carrier andhe felt like I didn't need him
anymore.

Speaker 1 (33:52):
Yeah, you literally hit on what I was about to try
to investigate, which is sotraditionally.
When I see this happen and Iactually kind of went through
something similar and with myiveI'm also a caregiver, daddy,

(34:22):
mom and some some form offashion and like just a personal
check on myself that I do on aregular basis is is this
relationship where I'mgenerating self-worth and that,
and and I do it because early onin my King journey I did and it
like, it was like it feels goodfor this person to be happy

(34:45):
because of what I did and, beinga service switch and a person
who is very, very compulsive,the pleasure of others is like
also my pleasure as well, and ifyou don't pay attention to
where the, where those boxes are, it very quickly becomes if
someone else is making thisperson happy, I failed and I'm

(35:10):
not doing what I need to do, andif, even worse, you start to
try to control that away.
I'm not a medical professional.
I'm speaking about myexperience and observations.
I've seen other people.
Please go to therapy, pleasetalk to mental health
professionals about these things, but from what I've seen in my
own experiences, it's very easyfor that to become like.
I want to now control thisperson and it usually almost

(35:34):
every time that I've seen itcoincides with what was seemed
comfortably a very codependentrelationship, one of the persons
growing and gainingindependence and working on
their own mental health and likeall of the things that that
brings about.
Independence and like generatingyourself worth for yourself

(35:54):
instead of through whateverdynamic you made, is usually how
it goes, fortunately, with meand my partner.
Like those things, all of thatwas happening in the right
rhythm and simultaneously and wecould.
We came up with ways to dealwith it.
Like my partner is verygracious and being like she she
had been, you know, living inthe housing scarcity, a lot of

(36:17):
things before we met.
When we met and you know, wegot together and I was taking
care of, taking care of her wasthe first time in her life that
she had the space to be able tobe like I probably should deal
with all of these traumas andthings I'm feeling and so in the
process of growing through that, it became a point of
insecurity, like my you knowprolific sluttiness, which you

(36:39):
know internally to me, it wasjust like this, doesn't you know
?
Prolific sluttiness, which youknow internally to me, it was
just like this, doesn't?
You know, I'm going to takecare of you.
I got it, I'm.
I'm at this point in time in mysexual and kink career.
I feel very confident that Iknow how to balance it all.
And you know it, at some pointin time it got bad enough and I
was like, okay, I'll tuck down,we'll, we'll focus in on here.
When I couldn't do it anymoreand when it was painful for me,

(37:02):
I was like we got to talk.
So I was like we have to readit, we have to come up with
something.
So let's talk it through andfigure out what we can figure
out.
And you know, we've, you know,progressively changed that as we
went along.
But you know, I I found myselfhaving lots of conversations.
I have a letter written fromlike a few years ago when it was
like not looking like I wasgoing to be able to get there.

(37:22):
That's very similar to what youwere talking about in the last
six months of like hey, I loveyou, you're great, we've been
great.
I can't proceed.
And I also wanted to say likethat's, it's so, so easy to stay
in those types of situations,like it's a lot, a lot of hard
work to get out and if you're,especially if it's what's best

(37:44):
for you and just like I'm veryglad you did what's best for you
, like I'm refraining fromsaying like good job, I'm very
proud that you did that.
That's because of Mr Prisky,but like I'm very, very glad you
did that and yeah it it.
It sounds like that he wasgenerating his self-worth from
taking care of you and when itseemed like that you were

(38:08):
growing into being able to takecare of more of yourself, take
care of more yourself that'salso in quotes that started to
become a problem yeah, it was.

Speaker 4 (38:15):
It was.
It was rough.
I will give him, I will.
I will give him all his duecredit.
Now, though, we're still we'restill very much in contact.
He is very, very aware of thefact that we're never getting
back together, but that love andcompassion for him is still
there.
So I've been talking with himthrough his journey, because now

(38:35):
he is seeking professional help.
He's doing so much better now.
He's has much more eyes openabout where things fell apart,
how you know, how ourrelationship was degrading, and
kind of seeing things through aclearer lens, in hindsight, of
being like I in that moment Ididn't see what was happening,
but having hindsight being whatit is, I understand how we got

(38:56):
here.

Speaker 1 (38:57):
And that's a.
That's a beautiful thing aboutlike cause.
He sounds like a great guywho's no-transcript, getting

(39:30):
back, getting together.
People grow, people change,people turn each other into new
people.
We should celebrate when we'rejourneying in different
directions as well.

Speaker 2 (39:38):
I've never heard of a breakup party, divorce parties.

Speaker 1 (39:42):
Exactly.
I also think they're beautifulthings.
I think people should well,they can not be, but I think
they're they.
They shouldn't be viewed asholistically bad parts of
relationships.

Speaker 3 (39:53):
Be as you are, let's say, blossoming, and kind of
exploring who you are,relationship dynamics, your
kinks.
You mentioned that your partneris exploring, wants solo, poly.
Do you have a specificrelationship structure that you

(40:19):
know that you want to experienceat this time, or is it I'm just
out there and being free andexploring all the things?

Speaker 4 (40:28):
So for me, right now, I honestly I'm just exploring.
One thing that I don't think wetalked about is I consider
myself to be pan and Demi, whereI have a problem like and the
Demi.

Speaker 2 (40:44):
Can we, can we take a minute and say what pan and
Demi are for anybody?

Speaker 4 (40:46):
who's listening and doesn't.
Yes, so pansexual, meaning thatI am.
I am attracted to people.
It does not matter what you'vegot upstairs or downstairs.
I I am.
I am attracted to people forbeing people.
So it's kind of different fromsaying I'm bi, because bi
implies that you're interestedin sort of the binary of male
and female.
Bind goes well beyond thatwhere, you know, gender identity

(41:06):
does not play a role in myattraction.
So when we talk aboutdemisexual, that is the.
That is sort of the idea that Icannot have sex with people
that I don't have a connectionwith Like I have to.
I have to know you at somelevel, I have to like you as a
person in order to have anylevel of sexual attraction
towards you.

(41:27):
So one night stands never goingto happen.
And some people will say thatDempfer, some folks, they are
just like well, demi is justhaving a preference.
It's like no, you know, likeyou can sit there and say you
know, oh, I would climb VinDiesel like a tree if given the
option.
Or you know people who can, youknow, meet somebody at a bar
and then go hook up later, laterthat same night.

(41:47):
Or you know some people there'san idea of you could, in theory
, go have sex with a stranger.
For me, that is an absolute no,like everything shuts down in
my body like dry as the Sahara.
If it's somebody that I don'tknow, that I don't feel a
connection with, which is anentirely in conflict with my
fricking sex drive, let me tellyou welcome to the club.

Speaker 1 (42:11):
The Demi Deleva, as I've heard it said.
I've also had the experience.

Speaker 2 (42:15):
I also had the experience of having a
connection with somebody andthat connection being squandered
for some reason.
I'm going to go ahead and blameevery man I've ever been with
because that's the era I'm in,but then that also affects the
sexual experience Like it cangrow and be minimized as a
result of how you take care ofthat connection.

Speaker 4 (42:36):
Very much that it's a wild, it's been, it was a wild
ride for the last year or sowith my ex-partner.
As a result, you know, becausethe thing about being Demi is
like there's an absolute it's,it's just, you know, I like, I
don't know, I guess aversion,revulsion, like that's on the

(43:05):
extreme side, but that's stillaccurate to me when it comes to
not being able to have, you know, to be intimate with someone
that I don't like, that arethere not students they like but
don't have an emotionalconnection with, and so like for
me, with you know, sort ofengaging with this new, at this

(43:25):
point I will say that they are aplay partner, because I don't
really like friends withbenefits doesn't sound quite
right to me anyway, because heand I are friends, we've been
friends for four years, maybefive, and for us to now sort of
have, you know, a intimaterelationship where at the like,

(43:48):
in sort of that definition, islike we're not boyfriend,
girlfriend, we are not, you know, we're not, we have, we have no
, what I want to call it.
So we have no claim over eachother's time by any stretch of
the word, and like us, beingintimate is always planned.
So that to me I guess sort ofdefines play partner over any

(44:09):
other sort of relationship, andfeel free to educate me if I'm
not quite putting those wordsright.

Speaker 3 (44:15):
Or I just found out that my ex, that I was married
to for 10 years, was a playpartner.
That's funny.
Yeah, the kids the kids for 10years was a play partner.

Speaker 1 (44:22):
That's funny, yeah, the kids.
The kids these days call that asituation ship.
But yeah, the.
On the.
On the educating point, thoughcause my bisexual friends will
beat me up if I don't mention itthe the.
They have updated the theirdefinition to having a
preference of more than onegender, not necessarily the

(44:42):
binary.
So you can be bisexual if youlike, if you are only attracted
to trans women, trans men andcis men.
So, but no, yeah, I, I think Ithat, oh, you were saying
something about like why beingdemi and pan and how that part
of exploring how that'saffecting your current

(45:04):
exploration oh, yes, that.

Speaker 4 (45:06):
So you know, we did kind of tangent we like tangents
here yeah, uh, but that sort ofkind of having a part in my
exploration.
It makes things go really,really slow.
Because right now, you know, Ihave one person that I'm kind of
engaging with and play andwhatnot, and I like the idea of

(45:26):
having more than one playpartner, especially because I'm
figuring out that I don't knowthat I will get everything I
want out of one person.
Until now I've always been inthe space of.

(45:47):
I don't think I would ever bepoly because jealousy, but I can
appreciate and admire thosethat do.
But over the past year, honestly, I started thinking about
polyamory and what that meansand how that feels, learning
about compersion and havingcompulsive feelings towards
others and others' experiences.
And for a while I had or ratherfor yeah, I want to say for a

(46:08):
while it had kind of popped intomy head of, you know, does
being poly in my currentrelationship make sense?
Because I feel like I can'tgive him all the everything that
he needs as far as love andattention and attention and
affection and and mutualinterests, and I would be happy
for him if he found that inothers and I that was kind of my

(46:29):
aha moment of just like oh,okay like, okay, poly makes a
lot more sense in my head nowand then now, like I am
definitely open to the idea ofpolyamory but at the end of day
I don't expect that I will endup in a committed relationship
for at least a year or more,because that tends to be.
My pattern is like, when I'msingle, I'm single for a long
time, like I go typically yearor years between relationships.

(46:53):
So I'm just like I probablywon't have the emotional
availability to be in arelationship anytime soon, have
the emotional availability to bein a relationship anytime soon.
And even if I do, I'm very muchopen to the idea of of poly, or
at least you know what are theylike.
I don't want to say the word isethical non-monogamy or
consensual non-monogamy.
Like I'm very open to all ofthat, even with my current play

(47:13):
partner I've talked to him aboutthat as well we're just kind of
like neither of us want to be acommitted relationship, but we
also want to be open and safewith each other.
So if we are thinking aboutintroducing another person into
our, you know, into any level ofintimacy, that we're going to
be open about those things.
So it's been.
It's been pretty cool toexplore it from kind of that

(47:34):
lens and kind of letting thingsplay out however they will.

Speaker 3 (47:38):
So this new play partner kind of fell into your
lap and you are looking forothers.
How's that search going?

Speaker 4 (47:48):
Honestly, that I looking for is a strong term
because I'm not looking, if thatmakes sense.
Like I am, I am not on theprowl.
Like you're not going to catchme on dating apps.
I even I had this conversationwith my twin sister and I was
just like if you ever catch metalking about hinge or bumble or
anything, slap me in the face.

(48:09):
Like fly your butt all the wayover here and slap me in the
face there's a good friend yesand tickets for redirection a
big yeah.
So that's like you know.
I say search, I'm not reallysearching.
If something happensorganically, I'm all for it, but
for me, searching for that isthe wrong thing for me to do
right now.
I am on my journey is now likereally understanding myself, my

(48:35):
wants, my needs, what, whatbrings me joy, and what brings
me joy outside of a relationshipis especially more important to
me right now.
It would be nice to have alittle bit more spicy time, but
that is not the priority do you?

Speaker 1 (48:50):
do you have any like kink curiosities or things that
you haven't explored yet, thatyou're interested in exploring?
yes do tell I, I bring it up, goon.
I bring it up because I suggestto a lot of people who are kind
of like in your in the in yourdemi dilemma and like looking to
explore, and I'm like don't trynot to think about it as the
people like you're looking for aplay partner, like go to where

(49:14):
the kinky things that you wantto try are happening.
It just so happens there willbe people there that you will
get to know and see those things.
But also I'm, you know, I'm a,I'm a whore for hearing people's
fantasies and wants to meet.
So please indulge me if youwill.

Speaker 4 (49:31):
Okay, ah, sorry.
So the first thing that popsinto my head is because, again,
I can very much consider myselfa sub, but I think of myself as
a service switch, because moreand more I find myself wanting
to job like real bad, like I'm,like I want to tell somebody
what to do, I want to tellsomebody that they're a good boy
or a good girl, like I justactually, casey, there was a,

(49:55):
there was a play session thatyou had described.
That got the gears turning inmy head.
It was you were, you werespeaking about a partner or you
were speaking about someone thatyou had had come to have a
session with you, and I rememberyou talking about them
basically jerking off in thedoorway and that that your
description of that situation.

(50:16):
I was just like I want to dothat, want to be casey in this
situation, whoa.
So yeah, when I say like thispodcast has been like a big
eye-opener for me, that is avery specific example.
So, yeah, being having theopportunity to to dom, uh, in a
play session is something that'stop of mind.
On the other side too and thisis, I know this is probably

(50:38):
going to be very far down theline, but being what did she
tell me?
It was my, my, my lovely domfriend.
I think she said it's escortplay, where your dom gives you
to someone else and kind ofinstructs the session.
So that is something that I am,I am very interested in because
it's as a dom as the escortbecause to to me, like, yes,

(51:00):
with being Demi, it feels scaryto be intimate with someone I
don't know or have thatconnection with.
But there's like an overridewhen it comes to the dom being
there and present and, and youknow, sort of instructing the
session, because it's not reallyabout the other person, it's
about what's happening betweenme and my dom and that dynamic,
where it's just like that.
It's that, it's an emotionaloverride that I feel like I'm

(51:23):
like, yeah, yeah, I could dothat.

Speaker 1 (51:25):
whoa, because I've never been in a threesome about
this with my mama earlier whatwas that?

Speaker 2 (51:29):
did you say, your mom ?
You're talking about it withyour mom?
Oh, I have a.

Speaker 1 (51:32):
I have a, a person I'm supposed to do my my you
know my regular cunnilingusthing.
I call her mama.
She tells me I'm a good boy.
We were just discussing thatrecently.
Same thing.
I was just like you can hand meout to whoever, and I was like
you know the stars must be a lot.

Speaker 3 (51:48):
Yeah, that's really.
The stars must be aligned.
At a similar conversation withmy partner last week, it's in
the air today.

Speaker 4 (51:56):
Yeah, I've never been in a threesome.
No-transcript.

Speaker 1 (52:32):
What part of the group sex aspect is enticing you
?
I think a lot of it comes from,like the idea of wanting to be
used, but like in a safe way,someone who has, and you can
usually set boundaries around,like when it's free use time,
but it is that person is allowedto gratify themselves with you

(52:53):
at any time of their choosingthing.
The most common depiction of itis like asking for a blow job
while you're playing video gamesfrom your partner and or like
being interrupted doing dishesbecause the the time is, the
time is coming and and it hasvarying things.

(53:14):
I think that's like the mostcommercial version of it, the
one that is the part of itthat's like pinging for me from
you is this like idea of likebeing available for the
satisfaction of your partner'sdesires and however they want to
do that, because there's partsof free use that end up being

(53:36):
escort play like you, likeyou're saying, and I have to
write this down usually when Ihear a combination of service
service leaning towards serviceswitch and interested in group
sex type of thing, I'm just likeoh the the idea of available
for pleasure giving at thebehest of a desirer is all.

Speaker 4 (53:59):
It was all in there that's so interesting because
I've I have very, very in a lotof words, have described that to
my current partner, but Ididn't have the term for it,
because trying to explain to himthat, like if you want
something, if you tell me to,I'm gonna do it.
Like all you have to do is saythe word, there is no asking,

(54:21):
you can tell me.
And he's just like what do youmean?
Tell you I'm just like.
I mean, you could decide Idon't wear underwear when we go
to the bar next time we see eachother.
Like you can, what is it?
You can decide that you knowwe're going to go, you know,
make out in the car or somethingin the middle of the day, I
don't know.
Just whatever you want, youjust need to tell me.
It's like, if I really don'twant to do it, I will set that

(54:42):
boundary.

Speaker 1 (54:43):
But oh man, I I'm.
We don't have a lot of time, soI'm trying to figure out if I
want to get into this or not.
I can do it quick.
You're demonstrating verymarvel, marvelously, this divide
between active and passivesubmission, and I think a lot of
new, like new doms or peoplewho are looking to be more, more

(55:05):
dominant and not defined.
We're about to fuck spaces likestruggle, if they're submissive,
is a passive submissive, whichis just basically they raise
their hand.
They'd be like I'm a sub, a subyou got the rest, which, to any
person who cares about yourwell-being, is difficult to act

(55:25):
on right.
So, like I, you know, I'mcurrently going through, like
going going through that type ofeducation myself, because I
have a lot of primal wants andlike parts of my system that I
would like to execute.
I'm also and I have multiplesubs who are like pretty heavy
bottoms, pretty heavy masochists, who were like can you please

(55:47):
throw me through a wall?
And I'm like you say that, butif I throw you through a wall,
actually we have to go to thehospital.
I feel like that's not what youwant and and you doing things
like actively being like I wantto do this thing, this specific
thing you can.
You can do that specific thingthat I know feels like a bad guy

(56:10):
move, but do it because I likeyou and I want you to do that
bad guy move thing to me becauseI like that shit bad guy move
thing is my new favorite.

Speaker 4 (56:19):
I'm giggling because I, very recently.
So because of how, because ofknowing my play partner as who
he is, as a person I havefigured out over, I like, I know
in him that like me, sort ofwhat is it?
Reiterating things outside ofthe?
You know that outside of insession is good for him, and so
there were very recently,because you talked about, I mean

(56:42):
finding what this is going tobe really explicit, I guess is
what I'm trying to say is I hadtexted him then the next day
after we had had had some fun,so to speak, and I had texted
him saying you know, I'm reallyactually this was right before I
went out of state.
So I, you know, I wanted tomake sure we saw each other
right before I left.

(57:02):
He was great, made sure we gotto see each other right before I
had to go out of state for aweek, and I had told him that
when he had me, my, had mepinned to the side of the bed
and fucked my face while holdingmy hands down, that that's
going to live rent free in myhead for the entire weekend, and
he actually remembered that thelast time we saw each other and

(57:24):
did it again, and so we love tosee.

Speaker 1 (57:27):
We love to see growth .

Speaker 4 (57:28):
So I was just like I'm.
I'm, I'm very pleased right nowwith and to your point about
being passive versus active.
I didn't have the term, but Iknow that's what I've been doing
is just like I don't want tojust be a silent participant in
anything.
I'm doing everything I can tobe communicative and express my
wants and desires, make sure Iunderstand my partner's wants

(57:50):
and desires and kind of elicitthose things out of him to make
sure that we're on the same page, that we're exploring and
having fun.

Speaker 1 (57:57):
Well, I love to see it.
If you can introduce anon-verbal totem, you will
probably gain yourself a lot ofground.
And what I mean by that is likeso a hard divide and jumping
over like if you're in the downposition and you have somebody
who's like do that nasty shitthat I like and you can do

(58:18):
whatever you want, the instinctis a good person is to go hey, I
want to do that nasty shit thatyou like.
Do you do?
You want to do it?
Can we, can we do you want todo that thing?
Consent's great, everyoneshould do it.
It is a different dynamic if itis approached that way and it's
and you want it to be like Iwant you to take that desire

(58:38):
forward.
So, to overcome that, if youcan get something nonverbal like
there's an exam, there's acoffee mug example from new girl
that I really like to use forit which is like they're they're
in a house with a lot ofroommates, so they have a coffee
mug that they put out when theywant to have sex and that lets
the other person know that theywant to have sex, and then if
you're like willing to engage,then you're like you go for it.

(58:59):
So, if you have, if you cancome up with a non-verbal totem
of some kind that is just likethat, where he can state I was
just like I want to do somenasty shit to you, and that you
can give a non-verbal thumbs upthat will help build the pathway
of like you can trust that youcan just go ahead and move
forward with that idea and thatI'll definitely I'll just, if I

(59:23):
don't want to do it.

Speaker 4 (59:24):
I will have to figure out how to put that in practice
.

Speaker 1 (59:26):
Yeah, I mean, you know we got time.
He seems to be learning quickly.

Speaker 4 (59:30):
I will definitely give him that credit.
He's super receptive, so I haveno, no qualms there.

Speaker 2 (59:36):
Non-verbal toe tones.
Nonverbal toe tones.
I've not heard of that before.
That seems awesome.
I've got to figure that out.

Speaker 4 (59:41):
I'm literally.
I wish I'm not.
I'm not even exaggerating whatI'm saying.
I'm writing these things down.

Speaker 1 (59:45):
It is giving me deep joy.
Every time you open that pen up.

Speaker 2 (59:47):
I'm like Well, we are at 10 o'clock.
This has been a fabulousconversation, bea, thank you so
much for sharing your journeywith us and and for coming on
the show and for listening andbeing awesome and having amazing
lilac hair is so wonderful.
If, if anybody is interested inparticipating in the way that b

(01:00:09):
did, as we mentioned at thebeginning of the podcast, we
have a form you can fill out.
If you go to little renegadefilmscom and follow the trail of
breadcrumbs to podcasts andthen to talk to me, you will
find a form that you can fillout.
So if you want to come on theshow, share your journey, have a
confession, want us to talkabout a specific kink, want to

(01:00:30):
suggest a guest that we shouldreach out to, that is the place
that you can do it.
And I want to give a littleshout out to Kobe, a gentle
person I don't actually knowanything about them that reached
out and listened to the podcastand said they very much enjoy
my Dom updates.
I reached out again and waslike where are your episodes?

(01:00:53):
I need some Dom updates, whichfilled me with delight,
unimaginable delight.
So if anybody else is waiting,I will hopefully have one for
you next week.
So stay tuned for that.
And Aaron, do you have anythingyou want to pop in there before
we let all our sexy beasts go?

Speaker 3 (01:01:11):
Just once, could you just tell.
Something was like on my tongue.
It's ever since we startedtalking about demisexuality and
that is just that hot take.
But sapiosexuals, people thatsay they're attracted to
intelligence are really justdemisexuals and don't know it.
I've never met someone that'sjust like you're brilliant, I'm
going to like jump you.

(01:01:32):
That's funny.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Tell me I'm wrong.

Speaker 1 (01:01:36):
You know I am.
I am glad I hope peopletransition from sapiosexual as a
preference.
In general it has it's.
It's problematic for differentreasons and I agree when people
say sapiosexual they really meanI want an emotional connection
with someone that I can converseand have, you know,

(01:01:56):
conversations with conversationswith.
So not just straight upintelligence, otherwise all of
those people would just bestalking Stephen Hawking rocket
scientist.
Yeah, no, it was great havingyou on.
I personally I really want tosay thank you.
I think you know, with the hostchanges and things going on,
it's felt felt a little harderto like keep going and moving on

(01:02:18):
about it.
But like this conversation andlike reading what and moving on
about it, but like thisconversation and like reading
what you said and how it'seffect, how it's affecting you,
I feel just thoroughlyreinvigorated about it all.
So I appreciate that deeply.

Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
So thanks for coming yeah, tozin brings up a good
point to all of our listenerswho have been annoyed that we
haven't had new episodes out andjust have been posting reruns.
Thank you for bearing with us.
We are but normal people withday jobs and illnesses I say
just because I came back fromSingapore with the Asian flu and
and lives that sometimes makeit hard to stick to the schedule

(01:02:50):
we would like to stick to.
But we thanks with to theaddition of Aaron.
I'm sorry we can edit out thatlast name.

Speaker 3 (01:02:59):
Oh, it's fine fine.

Speaker 2 (01:03:00):
Okay, thanks to the addition of Aaron, we are
getting our ducks in a row andwe'll have a bunch of new
episodes.
I you already had them.
This episode is behind allthose other episodes, but thank
you for sticking with us.

Speaker 4 (01:03:11):
I can't thank you guys enough for this.
Like I, I definitely want togive you guys your flowers.
Like I'm so happy that that apodcast like this exists, that
you guys have a forum where youknow you can talk so openly
about things and and justespecially for me, like every
episode is eye opening on adifferent perspective and I'm so

(01:03:32):
grateful that this exists, thatyou guys are willing to be so
open about you know, yourpersonal experiences and
bringing on others to talk abouttheir personal experiences.
I really wasn't sure what Icould possibly contribute to the
conversation, but I'm glad tobe a part of it.

Speaker 2 (01:03:46):
You were delightful.
This was a really insightfulepisode and I love listening to
other people's journeys.
I find them fascinating and Ithink it's important for
everybody to listen to thejourneys of others if those
journeys are freely shared,because I think it helps
everyone go.
Oh my God, my thing is a thingand it's okay to do it.
Awesome, you know.
So.
Thank you for being open andsharing that.

Speaker 3 (01:04:08):
I guarantee that there'll be somebody that
listens to this episode.
That's where you were two yearsago.

Speaker 2 (01:04:14):
Yeah, all right, all you labias and genitals.
Thank you for listening.

Speaker 1 (01:04:20):
Let's start a band called Labias and Gentlemen,
right now.

Speaker 2 (01:04:23):
Labias and Genitals.

Speaker 1 (01:04:24):
Labias and Genitals right now.
All right, keep going.
This is the end of this podcast.

Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
All you sexy beasts, you labias and genitals.
Thank you for tuning into thisepisode of Talk Dirty to Me.
We'll be back again anotherweek, next week, the week after
forever and ever.
Until next time, let's all makecontracts for our serious dom
sub kinky relationships andallow them to change when they

(01:04:54):
need to change yeah yeah, yeah,I was sobbing on our couch
because I was just likeadmitting this part of myself
that I had not told anyone about.

Speaker 4 (01:05:05):
Those first explorations are really the most
intimate and the ones thatreally kind of stick.

Speaker 1 (01:05:11):
That's something that I still, I am still, I've been
in therapy.
Still am struggling to liketurn off in my brain.

Speaker 2 (01:05:18):
We come out with these guards and it's hard to
then figure out how to put themdown.

Speaker 4 (01:05:24):
I want to feel more empowered in my body, because I
grew up not feeling that way.
Oh sin.

Speaker 2 (01:05:30):
Everybody's wiping away tears.
I am.
That was perfect.

Speaker 4 (01:05:34):
I look forward to the day when our society has
progressed past the point whereit's just like this kind of
universally accepted witch huntagainst anybody who even tries
to ask for help.
So happy that a podcast likethis exists, that you guys have
a forum where you know you cantalk so openly about things and,
just especially for me, likeevery episode is eye-opening on

(01:05:57):
a different perspective.

Speaker 3 (01:05:58):
This is the podcast I always wished existed, so I'm
excited to be a part of it.

Speaker 1 (01:06:03):
It really does seem like we're helping people.

Speaker 2 (01:06:04):
This podcast really is sexy.

Speaker 1 (01:06:07):
Glad we're back for a third season.
Well, I guess we should do ouroutro, Casey.
Do the thingy, but do it sexy.

Speaker 2 (01:06:14):
Talk Dirty to Me is a podcast by Little Renegade
Films.
It stars Casey Samuel.
You heard what the man saidLittle Renegade Films.
It stars Casey Samuel.
You heard what the man said Doit sexy, okay.
Okay, I'll do it sexy.

Speaker 3 (01:06:26):
God.

Speaker 2 (01:06:28):
Talk Dirty to Me is a podcast by Little Renegade
Films.
It stars Casey, samuel TosinAwafeso and Aaron.
For more of our offerings, goto LittleRenegadeFilmscom.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 (01:06:43):
Oohcom.