April 16, 2025 • 67 mins
If you think dating over 40 is just ghosting, gym bros, and endless swiping with no spark—think again. In this episode, I’m joined by Andrea McGinty, the matchmaking powerhouse who’s set up over 33,000 dates and 4,200 marriages. She’s been on Oprah, CNN, and now she’s here to spill the secrets from her new book 2nd Acts: Winning Strategies for Dating Over 40. Whether you're divorced, widowed, or just sick of the apps, Andrea’s insights will flip everything you thought you knew about midlife dating—and show you how to make your next chapter the sexiest one yet.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck,
and always with the goal offighting the patriarchy.
One female orgasm at a time.
Welcome to the locker room.
Today's topic is think datingover 50 is a dumpster fire.
(00:46):
This matchmaker's secrets willblow your mind.
If you think dating over 50 isjust a sad game of ghosting and
dinner with dudes who talk aboutcrypto and hitting the gym,
think again.
My guest today is Andrea McGinty, and she's not just any dating
coach.
She is the godmother of moderndating, a matchmaking legend
(01:08):
with over 30 years of experience, founder of the global service
it's Just Lunch and the womanbehind more than 33,000 dates
and 4,200 marriages.
It's really impressive.
She's been featured on Oprah,cnn, the Wall Street Journal and
now she's here with me in thelocker room because she's just
(01:30):
launched her brand new book,second Acts Winning Strategies
for Dating Over 50.
And, trust me, she's about toflip every outdated idea you
have about finding love later inlife.
I'm excited about thisconversation because y'all know
if you've been listening for anytime your girl is single.
Scroll down.
You're gonna find all of mylinks below to wherever you
(01:51):
wanna find me.
But for now, andrea, could youtake a moment to introduce
yourself to my listeners?
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Hey, annette.
Yes, I'm excited to be herebecause if I went back 30 years
ago, to the beginning of mycareer, there was no place for
women, aren't there that werelike in their 50s and 60s.
Today the whole world haschanged, which I'm like.
Okay, some people complain I'mgiving up so much of my privacy.
(02:22):
I'm like the heck with privacy.
Hey, we can date now.
The world has opened up.
So I started 30 years ago afterI was getting married and a
couple days before the weddinghe called it off and I was in my
early twenties in Chicago andmy world collapsed at that point
, but I kicked my butt and gotout of it.
(02:43):
Collapsed at that point, but Ikicked my butt and got out of it
, started thinking about okay,there's got to be a better way
to date and do this.
And my background is financeand accounting, which I never
did in my life.
I've always been good at fixingmy friends.
I've actually two of my collegeroommates I've fixed up and
they are still married to thisday.
(03:04):
Actually, two of my collegeroommates I've accepted.
They are still married to thisday.
But anyway, I started thinkingafter this happened to me.
Oh my gosh, you know how do youmeet people.
And then executive recruitercalled me about a job and I
thought to myself why is therelike somebody like that would be
calling me about my personallife?
(03:25):
You know like, hey, andrea,we've got this perfect guy for
you.
He fits XYZ and ABC.
And I started thinking about it.
Remember, we're in 1990.
There's no Google, there's noonline dating.
That's how the whole ball gotrolling.
I started a company called it'sJust Lunch because I was a big
believer in meeting somebody forjust an hour and meeting over
(03:46):
lunch or meeting over a drinkafter work, putting the two
people together and they reallydidn't know much about each
other, but they'd meet up forlunch and into boss.
Fast forward, 20 years later,we had 110 locations worldwide
and that's when I ended upselling the company.
(04:06):
I had two offers at that point,one from matchcom and one from a
private equity group, but Ireally saw the writing on the
wall.
I saw online dating in itsinfancy, when it was just a
chaotic mess.
But by the time we hit, when itwas just a chaotic mess, but by
the time we hit 2010, 2015,.
(04:27):
A lot of them have it togetherand there's over 1,400 dating
platforms out there.
And, of course, in the meantime, I'm aged too.
I'm no longer 22.
Now I'm in my 40s and 50s.
I did get married.
I was married for 24 years andthen I got divorced.
So I knew what it's like to hitearly 50s and be single again.
(04:52):
And that's when I started33,000 Dates, which is all about
how to use the internet, how touse online dating the right way
.
So you're getting what you wantand it's not like this scary
place, and you're using theright sites and you're doing it
(05:12):
the right way.
So I'm very business oriented,action oriented and strategic in
the way I go about dating.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Fantastic, and so we're going to mine that
experience and your knowledge sothat my listeners who are out
there, who are in midlife so 40s, 50s and up and single and
wanting to find love again orwhatever it is you want to get
out of dating, can do that moreeffectively.
(05:41):
And I know there's a lot of youout there, because I'm on
TikTok and all the social mediaplatforms and I hear everyone
complaining about dating andmidlife.
So stay to the end, folks,because this whole conversation
is going to help guide you tohaving the ability to find the
relationship you want, or atleast having a better shot at it
(06:03):
.
And, of course, at the end ofthe podcast, we're going to give
you the takeaways so you canstart changing your love life,
starting tonight.
This afternoon.
It's the morning, right now.
This always posts in themorning, so by the end of the
day maybe you'll have a datelined up, who knows?
So stay to the end, andrea.
I'm excited to have you here.
Let's get ready to talk aboutdating and finding love.
Let's get ready to talk aboutdating and finding love.
(06:24):
Andrea brought wine.
She's spicy this morning.
I love it, cheers.
Let's talk about dating inmidlife, andrea.
Let's just blow up the biggestmyth right off the bat why is
dating over 50 not a?
Speaker 2 (06:41):
death sentence, but actually a total advantage.
It's a total advantage datingover over 50 because we're so
much wise.
People complain about baggageand I'm like let's reframe that,
folks.
Let's call it life experience.
We know so much more than weknew in our twenties and we know
(07:03):
how to spot things.
Now we're not 22 and don't knowwhat we're doing.
We know what we want and a lotof times we, even more so, know
what we don't want.
So when you're dating in yourfifties, you probably never
imagined that you would be,because maybe you walked down
the aisle at 25 or 30 or were ina long-term relationship and
you did not think, whoa, wow, Ican't wait to do this again when
(07:27):
I'm 50 or 55.
No, none of us thought that.
But we are in such a lucky erabecause it's not our parents,
it's not our grandparents' erawhere I mean, that was the kiss
of death If you were single inyour 50s, because, good luck,
your friends are all married.
Meeting people is reallydifficult, but not anymore with
(07:51):
online dating.
There's over 1,400 platformsout there dating apps, dating
sites and there's a good portionthat really focus on us, the 45
plus, the 45 to 65-year-oldgroup so there's so many easy
ways to meet people.
Now Are they going to knock onyour door?
(08:12):
No, you've got to do a littlework.
You've got to get on yourlaptop.
You can't let tech scare you,because there's really nothing
scary about it.
They've improved it so muchover the lifespan that I've been
in this business, which is over30 years.
And the verification processesthe top dating apps put people
(08:35):
through with their photos thatthey're really who they say they
are.
They've gone through so much ofthat.
They can even age photos now.
So when you're online, you'renot looking at somebody that
when he shows up on a dateyou're like, oh, he looks about
20 years older than that photo.
(08:55):
That that just doesn't happenanymore.
So we're living in it.
We're living in a great age andon top of it, everyone thinks,
thinks my male clients.
They're all like all the goodwomen are taken.
My female clients are like allthe good men are married.
It is so, not true.
Look at research I'm veryresearch driven and 28% of men
(09:17):
over the age of 50 are single,meaning single, widowed,
divorced and 30% of women are.
So there's a 2% spread there.
So it's not like it's reallyfemale heavy out there, it's
just women like to talk aboutthis a lot more and complain
about it.
So get rid of those negativefriends that are complaining
(09:41):
about dating and do this on yourown.
Don't talk about your datinglife to your married friends or
to your single friends, who youknow have a bad attitude.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Right, because I will say, online you hear especially
women, but the men are nowchiming in as well that are in
sort of their midlife phase, 40sand up.
I'm going to say 40s and up.
I think that's a fair categoryto focus on Talk about how awful
(10:15):
dating the other cohort intheir age range is.
So women are fed up with themen in their age range 40s and
up in the dating sphere, andthen men are now chiming in with
their own complaints.
Right, it's interesting to methat you say we're kind of
equally single.
However, there's this hugefocus on the male loneliness
(10:38):
epidemic.
So I would ask you this Do youfind that a lot of women in
midlife are choosing just tostay single in comparison to the
men in the same age group?
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I find that there are equally women and men in their
40s, 50s, 60s that are lookingfor relationships.
There is a loneliness epidemicin this country.
There is a loneliness epidemicin this country and it's
something.
University of Michigan has areally good study that's been
going on for years now and itreally talks about the
loneliness epidemic and thatpeople, if they lose somebody or
(11:17):
they get divorced and they donothing about it.
When we talk about longevity oflife and a happy life, sure,
okay, eat the Mediterranean diet, do your 10K steps every day,
but the number one thing forhappiness and living long and
healthy is a romantic partner inyour life, number one thing
(11:41):
that determines how long you'regoing to live and how happy and
how healthy.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Is that for both genders?
Because my understanding is inmarriage, men tend to live
longer when they're married thanwhen they're single, whereas
it's the opposite effect forwomen.
Is that what your research hasshown you?
Speaker 2 (11:59):
My research hasn't shown me that at all.
It shows equally that bothsexes are living longer with a
romantic partner, with somebodythey love.
Now, does that necessarily meanmarriage?
When we're talking about the40s and 50s a lot of the 40s and
50s they will get remarried.
Maybe it's a first marriage,maybe it's a second marriage.
(12:21):
Now, when we're talking aboutthe 60s, it's more of an
exclusive, long-termrelationship.
They don't really care as muchabout getting married, but still
they have that connection.
So you know, that connection,whether it be marriage or just a
long-term relationship, is veryimportant.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Right.
Intimacy, touch sex.
Folk sex is important until theday you die.
All right, so let's get into it.
I want to start with what arethe top.
Let's say three complaints.
You hear from women aboutdating in their 40s, 50s and
beyond Women's number onecomplaint all of the good men
(13:04):
are taken.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Uh-uh, they're not.
I already talked about thestatistics on that.
That's absolutely not true.
Number two women tend to talkto their female friends and
there's too much negativity outthere.
They want to talk about the bad.
They want to talk about oh, Imet this weird guy online, or
(13:33):
this happened on a date, or thathappened on a date, and so they
tend to focus on negativity.
The third thing is they sendmessages while they're online
but they're not getting enoughback and men aren't responsive.
And I say hey, you know whatthat ball's in your court.
That's your problem, that's notthe site you're on and it's not
(13:53):
the men's problem.
The problem is you're doingsomething wrong online.
It might be your photos, itmight be what you wrote in your
profile.
No man wants to read in aprofile.
These are the 10 must-haves.
I must have Two or three thingsthat are important to you and
are dispersed in a positive way.
(14:13):
That's fine to do, but when youare being so specific about
what you're looking for, there'snothing wrong with wanting what
you want, but listing them outlike that can be such a turnoff
to men.
And then women wonder why am Inot getting a message back, and
(14:37):
also sometimes in their bios ortheir profiles.
There could be some negativitytoo.
I'll give you an example.
I've been on this site for fouryears and I don't want the
following and then they make alist of all the bad things that
have happened to them.
Or their first message to theman that they're interested in a
(14:59):
potential date with is hi, Isee you play tennis, blah, blah,
blah, whatever.
And then how's it going for you?
I bumble.
I'm just finding the quality ofpeople are awful.
How about you?
Oh my gosh, I cannot believe.
You just said that.
I tell women if they're askedthat question by a man, what?
(15:20):
On a couple texts back andforth before you actually meet
for a date, the man sayssomething to you like how's your
experience been on this site sofar?
There's only one answer youknow what?
It's been great, I've met somany interesting people.
It's not the right one yetRight right.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
So I mean yeah, that gets me to what are, and then
we'll move on to the men.
But what are the top mistakesthat women are making on their
profile?
So it sounds like negativity.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Poor photos.
It's visual.
We all know online dating isvisual and I would say when I'm
working with clients, I haveabout 70% of them that I'll send
to a professional photographer.
And I don't mean go get photosthat like look LinkedIn-ish,
like look corporate-y, orthey're in the studio with those
(16:14):
like swirly backgrounds behindyou, but get good pictures.
If you're adventurous or you'reoutdoorsy, show me the pictures
.
Show me you in an outriggercanoe.
Show me you skiing.
Show me you doing these things,versus telling me.
The pictures sell so much morethan the words.
(16:36):
Plus, the men just don't read.
They just don't read.
And women one of the mistakesthey make.
They'll write a long profile.
Nobody's going to read it.
They're better looking at yourphotos.
And men, if they're interested,they're going to glance at your
profile.
When you think about magazineslike Men's Health or GQ, there's
(16:57):
a reason they write bulletpoints and blurbs because that's
the way men like to look atnews.
So they want to see just threeor four bullet points about you
that are really specific andinteresting.
Not just I like to cook, butpeople go crazy for my French
silk pie, something that's muchmore specific.
(17:19):
So those are some of themistakes women make.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Your French silk pie.
I'm just saying there's ametaphor in there, folks, you
might want to borrow that one.
People go crazy for it.
All right, that's wonderful.
So now let's talk about men.
What are their top like?
Three complaints about onlinedating?
Women in their 40s, 50s andbeyond women in their 40s, 50s
(17:46):
and beyond.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Men have the same complaint over and over again.
40% of my clients are men andthis is what they all say why,
when I'm online and I open it upand I look at it on my phone or
my laptop or whatever, and Iget winks and smiles and likes
(18:08):
and no message, what does thatmean?
Why could she not write amessage?
Basically, the men feel likeshe just kicked the ball back in
my court, right?
Does she not have anything tosay?
Now I have to do all the work.
What's a wink or a smile mean?
Like, come on, let's get withit.
(18:29):
Yeah, you can send a wink or asmile, but send a good message
too, and it's easy to send, froma female perspective to a man,
a good response.
You're looking at their photos.
They have five or six photos.
It might be a family photo.
It might be a family skivacation, it might be, you know,
(18:51):
whitewater rafting.
You know, make a comment aboutsomething that they're doing and
then about your own experiencewith something adventurous that
you do.
You know that fits them, and Imean, if you're not adventurous,
that's okay too.
You're probably not picking theguy who's doing all this
(19:12):
adventure.
You know, kind of travel.
But men really complain aboutthose likes and winks and hearts
.
And why can't women send amessage?
The other message I have forwomen here from the men is that
sending a message to a manbefore they reached out to you
(19:34):
showed a lot of self-confidence,and self-confidence is very
sexy to men.
So send a well-thought-outmessage and don't send a book.
So send a well thought outmessage and don't send a book.
Set you know, three or foursentences and then end it with
I'm interested, let's grab adrink.
Always use salutations, youknow, hey, mark, warmly, mia.
(19:56):
So use names and make it warmand gracious.
And there are parts of thecountry where I see varying
messages, like New York.
New Yorkers can tend to be verybrutal with their messages,
like one-liners.
You know, what are you lookingfor?
I've been doing this forever.
What are you looking for?
(20:17):
Let's just get this over without front, or I'm looking to get
married again.
What are you looking for?
Do you think that's gracious oranybody really wants to respond
to you?
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Right, like a little foreplay here, folks, a little
foreplay, right, that's what weneed.
So that's one thing, but what'sthe second complaint that they
have?
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Yeah, that men have.
They want to make sure thatwomen are not lying.
So, women, what you can do is,when you post a photo, also post
when it was taken, like March2025, December 2024, if it's a
(21:00):
Christmas shot or something sothat they really see this is
what they're getting, becausethere's nothing worse than for
either a man or a woman showingup on a date and seeing this
person and they look 10 yearsolder than their pictures and 20
pounds heavier than theirpictures.
So you know honesty.
(21:22):
Let's be honest with what we'reshowing, Right, and we're going
to have a lot more success too,and so then a third complaint
men have about women's onlinedating profiles and responses.
The last one would be withresponses.
Online dating moves veryquickly.
(21:43):
The etiquette online isgenerally within 12 hours.
You should be responding tosomeone.
Are you carrying your tempoaround all day?
No, but you've got your cellphone.
Get back to the person rightaway.
And the other thing is ifyou've had a good first date
with somebody.
I was just on the phone beforethis with a client and she said
(22:06):
we had a good date yesterday andI said when was it?
And she said lunch and I saiddid you respond back that you
want to see him again?
She goes no, I was kind ofwaiting till today and I said no
, if it's a lunch date that youwent on with him yesterday and
he picked up the tab, which isvery common.
Thank you, men, for being sogracious.
(22:27):
Later in the afternoon, earlyevening, the appropriate thing
is manners, is etiquette is tosend a message, you know.
Thank you so much for a lovelylunch and a lovely discussion.
I'd love to do this again.
What would you think about andoffer up an idea If it's
somebody you want to see again,would you like to go hiking?
(22:50):
Or I have two tickets to thisevent coming up this weekend.
Would you like to be my guest.
So be reciprocal in what you'redoing and show some interest.
What?
Speaker 1 (23:01):
are the three top mistakes men are making with
their own profile in onlinedating.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Oh, number one easy Photos.
Oh my gosh, after I sold, it'sJust Lunch and started 33,000
dates.
There was a reason I started33,000 dates.
One of my best friends, acouple, got divorced and luckily
I was able to stay friends withboth of them and they were like
48, 49 when they got divorcedand Mark, the husband or the
(23:31):
ex-husband, called me and said Idon't know what I'm doing
online dating.
I'm getting the worst women.
So I said, okay, give me yourlogin and your password, let me
go in and see what you're doinghere.
So I go in and I'm like, oh mygosh, this guy is a successful
CFO, he's good looking, he'svery marketable.
(23:54):
And I look at his photos and hehas a photo he took like a
selfie in the car, a selfie inthe bathroom, a selfie with the
fish.
I'm like, mark, what's up withthe fish?
You don't even fish.
He goes.
I don't know.
I just thought it was like kindof unique.
I go.
That's not a term for any woman.
You know.
Bad photos, bad photos.
(24:16):
So, number one mistake men makeare just awful photos.
So okay, photos that work formen, showing a picture of you
maybe walking your daughter downthe aisle as she's getting
married.
Another good photo could be afamily party, thanksgiving,
(24:37):
because it also shows you in asocial light that you have
people in your life that you'reclose to.
So by far men's biggest mistakeis with their photos.
The second mistake would be toomuch chatter online, too much
texting back and forth, and thismight go to somebody who's 50,
(25:02):
recently widowed, it happens, orrecently divorced, and they're
writing about it to this strangethat they're communicating with
.
I mean, this person's still astranger and they're talking
about it.
And as a woman, you're thinking, oh, I don't want to be his
(25:23):
interim girlfriend, right?
I don't want to be the one tobe his therapist and talk him
through this and get him over itand get him ready for other
women.
So keep the personal stuff to aminimum and get it to the first
date as fast as possible,because you cannot tell
(25:45):
chemistry online and when it'sgoing back and forth too much
with text, those are not realdates.
And I talked to a client earlierthis week a male client and I
said, okay, so tell me about thepast week, and he said, oh,
it's great.
And I'm like okay, how manydates did you have?
He said none.
(26:08):
So what was great he goes.
Well, look at me, because I'monline with my clients at the
same time, so I'm on the samedating app or site with them and
I'm looking and he's writinglong texts.
She's writing long texts and hethinks he's in a relationship.
He's already told some of hisfriends that he played golf with
(26:28):
over the weekend about thiswoman who he's never even met,
who is just fantastic.
Or this is the other thing thatis just as bad, but even more of
a time waster phone calls.
So he also said to me and I hada great phone call with her and
then my normal question is forhow long?
(26:50):
Oh, probably, it was like anhour and a half.
And then I told her I'd callher the next day and we talked
again for probably 45 minutesand I said those aren't real
dates.
You're getting nowhere.
You have to go out on the date.
Those are just total timewasters.
When you put those two datestogether, I mean, that's over
(27:11):
two hours.
You could have taken a shower,shaved, met this woman in person
and found out whether or notthe two of you had chemistry or
not, because chemistry is notgoing to happen with the written
word or with a chatter over thephone.
It just isn't.
So stop all this texting.
(27:32):
And the way it really shouldwork.
And I tell my men this all thetime you text, she texts, you
text, she texts, you suggestplace time for the date.
And if you go, something likethis oh, we've got so much in
common.
I'm excited to meet you.
How does Friday or Saturdayaround four work for a drink and
(27:57):
an appetizer?
And let's do it halfway betweenus?
And what do you think aboutBistro 110?
Have you been there?
So we're being specific, we'rebeing specific.
We're throwing out two datesand we're throwing out a place
to meet.
The worst thing the men can dois say something like I'd like
(28:21):
to meet you sometime.
I'm just like what Sometime?
Sometime's never going tohappen, right.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
So what you're saying is they should initiate that
date in that manner.
They should say let's give thema couple of dates, give them a
location halfway in between.
When a man wants to go on adate with me, he needs to come
my direction.
That's just how I do it,because for me it's like I think
there's a higher risk factorfor women just in meeting a man
(28:45):
on a date, and I'm just like Ineed to be close to my home.
I need a quick exit plan.
If so, I'm just here's where Ilive, and you know what.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
I agree with you there because just as as the men
can throw out the idea of afirst date, just as often I like
to see the women throwing outthe idea of a first date.
Now, let's say you live a halfan hour from each other.
I am 100% with you that the manshould do it 10 minutes from
(29:14):
your house.
He drives 20 minutes, you drive10 minutes.
Absolutely fine, and most menwill be totally fine with that.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Yeah, for me, a man who that seems to be a problem,
where they're like oh well, butthat's all the way where you
live, you know, I'm instantlylike this probably isn't going
to work for me.
That's just, that's my instantreaction, because I also know
myself.
I live in Portland.
(29:46):
There's like all of theseoutskirt towns like Beaverton
and Gresham and stuff like thatthat can take anywhere from a
half hour to 40 minutes to getto.
And I know for a fact if I meetsomeone who lives there and I'm
going to have to go thatdirection a lot unless I'm
absolutely this guy has to belike he's got to be something
super special for me to want todo that regularly, like coming
my direction more.
Or I know that it's got to besomething super special for me
to want to do that regularly,like coming my direction more.
Or I know that it's going topeter off for me.
(30:07):
Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
And I agree with you and I think the majority of men
will absolutely do that theylike to drive.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Men love to drive.
I hate driving.
I have yet to be in arelationship where the man
wanted me to drive, like wherewe got in a car and he was like
why don't you drive me?
Never have I ever had thathappen and guys just tend to
like I hate driving.
So I need a man who wants tofight the traffic to get to his
(30:36):
woman.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Right, yeah, I agree, and I think best men will do
that.
And, as I said, when a woman issuggesting a date, if there's a
45 minute split between wherethe two of you live, make it
within like 10 minutes of yourhouse and you can drive the half
an hour Absolutely positivelyfine.
(30:59):
And it's so rare where a mansays no, yeah, I want to be
exactly.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
And everything you've just said about profiles I
think resonates with me with mypast experience.
First of all, like sometimes Iused to joke with my girlfriends
when I was on the apps that I'dbe scrolling through men and
I'm like if there was horrormovie style music playing behind
me while I was scrolling, itwould totally fit the pictures
(31:26):
I'm seeing.
I'm like why would they takephotos like that?
Some of them are literally makethem look like somebody you
wouldn't want to meet in a darkalley.
You know, if you think abouthow we're socialized, women are
socialized to focus on theirphysical appearance and how they
look, and men aren't reallytaught that as well.
(31:47):
So when they're now trying totake pictures because they have
to do that, they have no concept.
But sometimes the photos I'mjust like Jesus Christ, talk to
a girlfriend, have her look atthe photos you're putting up and
tell you what it looks like,right.
And then, on the other hand, Ithink that the negativity can go
both ways.
I mean, I'm really turned offby a profile from a guy who's
(32:11):
like I don't want a woman withdrama and you better match your
pictures.
Men will put that in theirprofile too, and I would imagine
like also with women.
In fact I'm bisexual and I havedated women and been on the
apps dating women and I wouldimagine like also with women.
In fact I'm bisexual and I havedated women and been on the
apps dating women and I've seena lot of that as well and I'm
just like like that means that'skind of for me your overall
(32:33):
personality, right.
If you're willing to put it onyour profile, then I'm going to
assume that's going to be 90% ofwhat I experience when I'm with
you, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Absolutely.
And anyone who's putting anytype of rants on a profile, I
don't care.
If it's about dating, politics,whatever, get off.
Keep it off your profile.
Nobody cares, you know, I meanthere's boxes.
You check on every single siteout there liberal, conservative,
(33:05):
whatever, linkedin, that Right.
There's no reason you have toget into politics in a long rant
because it's a big trouble.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Right, and so I believe one of your concepts in
dating over 40 or 50 that youtalk to people about is to think
of your profile like it's yourbranding correct?
Yes, Can you just let's capthis part of the conversation
with explaining what that meansto people who might not fully
understand the concept ofbranding themselves.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Sure.
Okay, my book, which just cameout two ago.
It has 15 worksheets in it andthen it also has QR codes in it
where I explain how to workthrough the worksheet.
Like the first worksheet justkind of gets you into it, Like
where's your head at and itreally shows, like whether or
not you're ready to date or not,which I think is a good way to
(34:02):
start.
Okay, Branding is reallyimportant.
You are already doing it,whether you know it or not.
You're on Facebook, you're onInsta, you're on TikTok you
could be on a lot of things.
You're already brandingyourself, so you LinkedIn.
You're branding yourself, soyou're branding.
I have a whole worksheet thattakes you through.
(34:24):
What do you want your brand tolook like?
What do you want to look like?
How do you want to portrayyourself to others?
What do you look like?
Think about it, Because I thinkwhen we go on Instagram, a lot
of people aren't really thinkingabout what's my branding look
like?
How am I coming across to otherpeople?
And that's really important.
(34:46):
If you don't understand branding, you don't need to read book
found branding All you need todo.
Or you don't even need toGoogle it or use AI or anything.
Do this worksheet, my book, andit'll really make you think
about what is my brand.
And part of what I do in thatworksheet is have you reach out
to a couple of close friends andcome up with some descriptive
(35:09):
words about you and how they seeyou and how they see your brand
and how they would write anelevator pitch about you.
A lot of people that aren't inbusiness don't know what an
elevator pitch is either.
Reaching out for some help fromsome girlfriends or friends can
(35:29):
be very helpful with your ownbranding and I don't mean
generic words like fun, happy,positive, considerate, kind,
nice.
Those words mean nothing.
They mean just absolutelyhopefully we're all those things
you know, but they don't meananything.
You've got to come up withgreat descriptive words that are
(35:52):
going to build your brand image.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
That makes sense.
You want people to get a senseof like who you really are and
then attract, hopefully, similarfolks.
So let's move to really quickly.
And then I want to get to thefirst date, because I think
that's important, like what wedo on the first date, but, like
for someone like me, I havechosen at this point not to be
on apps and I know that's sortof one of the things you're
(36:17):
teaching about mostly is how tobrand themselves on apps.
But for somebody like me andpeople who just need a break
from that kind of dating, wherewould you suggest people who are
in their 40s, 50s and beyond go, or what should they do?
Who want to veer away from theapps right now?
Speaker 2 (36:34):
Okay, you don't want to do the apps.
What I would say then, is getinvolved in things that you are
genuinely interested in.
I'll give you an example.
I had a client not too long ago, a female client in her late
40s, and she thought it would bea good idea to go to the
driving range every night andhit golf balls, because it's a
(36:56):
good place to meet men.
Yes, good idea, except shehates golf.
So, as she's hitting golf balls, she's meeting men, and then
men are saying would you like togo out and play around, Would
you?
And she hates it, you know.
And then it comes across reallyfast Sir, don't do stuff you
don't like.
(37:18):
One of my things is I'm thinkingto yoga and my yoga studio.
I go to like probably fourtimes a week and each class is
about 40 or 50 people.
My husband cracks up this hegoes how many men today?
And because I always count howmany men are in the class, so
all right, let's say there's 40people in the class.
I'm like today there were eight, Today there were six.
(37:39):
That you know.
And I tell them and I think tomyself those are smart men and
they're all age groups, from 30,40, 50, 60 in the class.
Maybe they're doing yogabecause they love yoga and they
want to get in shape.
But it's also an awesome placefor the guys to meet with it,
because there's all that chatter, you know, before class starts.
(38:01):
Get there 10 minutes early,Okay.
What else can you do?
Do some meetups, Like I wouldsay, throw it all at the wall,
Like don't just say I'm going todo one thing and I'm going to
focus on this one thing.
Okay, meetups, there's some.
You're in Portland, so you'rein an outdoorsy market, so a
(38:21):
meetup like a hiking meetup,that will be a nice mix of men
and women.
Now, if you're going to go takea pottery class, it's going to
be a lot of women, it just is.
That's the way that one rolls.
So do some things that youreally like and you're really
(38:42):
interested in yourself.
And that's the best way to meetpeople outside your circle,
because we tend to have tightcircles and groups of friends
and we need to get outside thatcircle of friends sometimes.
Now, as far as the meetingorganically or meeting in the
wild Meg Ryan, meet cute atWhole Foods Okay, that just
(39:07):
doesn't work.
It just doesn't.
I mean, your odds are so low atmeeting somebody that way.
Speaker 1 (39:13):
Can I give a tip though?
Because here's what I do.
I'm going to tell you the toptwo places I get asked out
regularly.
Uber drivers I can count onalmost, and it sounds crazy but
it's true.
But I would say 30% of the maledrivers end up asking me out,
(39:34):
which, by the way, is alsouncomfortable because then you
feel forced into giving theminformation because they've got
you in their car, so also kindof freaks you out creepy, so
drawback to that.
But grocery stores have beengood for me.
That but grocery stores havebeen good for me.
I have to admit I have anadvantage I'm short, I'm very
short, so I will sidle up to aguy who's attractive, who's
(39:55):
given me a smile, because I dothink more men are going there
looking for what.
I think I've noticed an uptickin Portland and I'm short, and
so I'll go to get something offa top shelf and make it look
hard for myself and inevitablythey'll offer to get me whatever
I need off the top shelf.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Okay, and then what happens?
Speaker 1 (40:18):
next.
Then I thank them and I start aconversation.
I talk to strangers all of thetime, interview them.
I'm good at asking questions.
People love and this is a greatsegue into the first date.
I am a great date because I'mvery curious and people love to
have people ask them questionsabout themselves.
(40:40):
So I'm also pretty witty andgood at saying something funny.
It gives me an opportunity tomake a joke about my height or
whatever and then ask themsomething.
If they're interested, they'regoing to engage and continue the
conversation.
Right, and I can hold aconversation all by myself.
So you figure out a lot.
(41:00):
But I think you're right Ingeneral.
There's the other side of it.
A lot of women would say whenI'm going to the grocery store
or running these errands, Idon't want to have to deal with
men hitting on me.
It's a hit and miss.
You've given a lot of solutionsto the profile.
You've given ideas for youdon't want to get on the apps.
Here's kind of how you can goabout it.
Let's talk about the first dateor even if you're going to the
(41:22):
meetup and that firstconversation starts, how do we
have success in person?
Because where a lot of thecomplaints online, especially
from women, and I'm going to say, at least from what I'm hearing
and seeing, women tend tocomplain about first dates more
than men.
Is that I would go and be likea really engaged first date.
The date would end and the guywould be like this was so fun.
(41:45):
I really go in for the kiss,like, say they want to go on the
next date, and I would have hadjust a miserable time.
I'd be at the end of it, I'd betired, I'd have carried the
conversation and I'm like thiswasn't fun for me.
You know, you didn't ask meanything about myself, right?
You told me about your bunions,Like, oh, I need to go home and
(42:09):
take a shower.
These are things that haveactually happened to me on first
date.
So can you help listeners knowwhat to do on the first date?
That's going to lead to asecond date.
Right, that's our goal.
Let's get to the second date.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Right, that's all.
The first date is it'sinformation gathering and
knowing.
Do I want to go on a seconddate with this person?
Okay, so a couple of thingsfrom what you just said.
You don't want to talk aboutactual problems like what you
just mentioned, but I hadsomebody last week say to a
client of mine yeah, I'm gettingknee replacement surgery next
week, and talk about it Out thedate.
(42:42):
She's like what, I'm like never.
Thank you, you know, I barelyknow you.
So that obviously was goingnowhere.
So conversations on the firstdate get your news somewhere.
I don't care if you get it fromApple or Yahoo or the Wall
Street Journal or whatever.
I have some interesting topicsto talk about, and talking about
(43:06):
interests too.
Okay, now, this is a problemthat I've seen since the
beginning of my career at age 22.
Men, men like to talk on dates.
Men can go on and on, and sohere's what I tell my female
clients.
So you can go to one of thosekind of dates and, just being
(43:29):
there, a bad person, and I don'tknow why they do it, and I'm
not a sociologist or apsychologist or anything, but I
don't know if it's like back tothe caveman era.
I'm a hunter gatherer, and I'mjust trying to show my
masculinity.
Who cares what it is, they doit right.
How do we get out of that sothat this whole hour date does
(43:52):
not turn into, just like youknow, a monologue?
So what I tell my clients is,after 10, 15 minutes and he's
going on and on about somethingand there may be some potential
it's just to put your hand upand go oh, just wait a second.
I feel like I know so muchabout you.
(44:12):
You're such a goodconversationalist, you must have
a ton of questions about me.
So, shoot, what do you want toknow about me?
And it's a really nice way tointerrupt, though and you're
laughing as you say it, you havea smile on your face, but they
start asking you questions, andthen it becomes dialogue.
It becomes back and forth talk.
(44:33):
Now, if you make it to thatsecond date where you've had a
talker, you'll find, for themost part, it reverses not
totally, but it becomes more ofa 50, 50, 60, 40 type of
conversation.
But after 15 minutes, I wouldsay cut it off that way, just
(44:54):
cut it off.
Though I'll tell you, after Igot divorced, my first week of
online dating, I went in fivefirst dates and that's like too
many first dates for one weekbecause I couldn't even remember
what I talked about with eachperson.
This one guy, he was a doctor.
He was like a dermatologist,plastic surgeon, and I'm just
(45:16):
thinking to myself this guy isso boring.
And then I decided no, let'sre-fraud this, andrea, you have
no interest in him.
Ask him a lot of questionsabout product and face because
he likes to talk about, and Ifelt like I got like a 45 minute
console on the best productsfor you know using on my face
(45:39):
and you know, looking youngerand stuff like that.
And I always laugh about thatdate.
Because he even called meafterwards for a second date, I
thought, no, I really enjoyedmeeting you, but I met somebody
else and I kind of want to seewhat's going to happen with him.
But I didn't walk away withthat date with nothing.
(45:59):
I walked away with some reallygood vitamin C serum and a good
hyaluronic acid to use on myface, so it wasn't a waste.
Speaker 1 (46:08):
I love that.
I love that you turned it intosomething you got something out
of, because I do think a lot ofwomen feel like after they go on
dates that they've lost time.
It's like I didn't get anythingout of that and guys will be
like, well, did he pay for themeal?
Most of us can pay for our ownfood and we'd rather spend that
20 bucks on our own food thanlike lose all of that energy and
(46:32):
time.
We most of us get paid morethan like $20 for what ends up
being like a two hour date.
It's not a good trade-off.
So that's one thing like a hugetip for men.
Yes, you're selling yourself,but part of selling yourself is
demonstrating that you are agood listener, that you're
(46:53):
curious about her, that you'rean empath, listen to her stories
and react to them right, like.
I think that we get so.
So and this is for people ofall ages, but especially older
men, because they're reallytrying to prove their worth so
into the selling of themselvesthat they forget that the
selling, the real sell, happenswhen you demonstrate your
(47:17):
quality of character to a womanand what you're going to bring.
So let's do this.
First, I'm going to ask yousome yes and no questions, some
quick like rattle off youradvice.
First date should it be aquickie drink or lunch, or
should we have a full romanticdinner?
(47:39):
It'd be a quickie, drink orlunch.
Kissing on the first date yesor no?
You feel it yes.
Sex on the first date yes or no?
Probably no, probably no.
Okay, dress how do you dress onthe first date?
Dress up, dress down.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Don't, okay, first of all, don't drink coffee dates.
Coffee dates are compounds.
It's showing up in your lulus.
It's not attractive.
Look so dressing up, you know?
Okay.
A drink date a pair of jeans, acute shirt and a pair of heels
Great.
A lunch date a cute top, a pairof jeans and some high-end
(48:20):
sneakers Perfect.
Speaker 1 (48:22):
Okay, no dresses.
I always wear dresses to thefirst date.
No, too much For cocktails.
Speaker 2 (48:29):
Yeah, yeah for cocktails.
Yeah, dress is great forcocktails, yeah, Okay perfect,
not for lunch, not for lunch,okay Ask for the second date at
the end of the first date, orwait until you've parted and
(48:49):
gone home.
First you like them, you cansay no, I had a really great
time.
I'd love to do this again.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
How do you feel?
Either man and woman can dothis.
All right, yep, absolutely Okay.
Talk about your ex on the firstdate a little early.
Speaker 2 (49:14):
You could talk about your kids.
Speaker 1 (49:17):
That's normal family kids when do you talk about sex?
Speaker 2 (49:21):
that's usually around three, very common time for
first time intimacy for some.
Some people it's very much ofan emotional connection first.
For some people it's purelyrecreational.
If you're both in therecreational thing you could
have sex on the second date,right.
But if you need that emotionalconnection it's probably going
(49:44):
to go to date five or six.
Who?
Speaker 1 (49:46):
pays on the first date he does.
Who pays on?
Speaker 2 (49:48):
the first date he does.
Speaker 1 (49:50):
Who pays on?
Speaker 2 (49:50):
the second date.
I think the woman should haveprobably asked for the second
date or suggested something forthe second date pay.
Oh, interesting, the one whoasked pays.
Speaker 1 (50:02):
I like that.
I like that.
That sounds fair.
So let's say that's somethingyou're like hey, yeah, I want to
find a partner, but also I'mreally into this kink right now,
or I want to explore that kink.
Do you put that in your profileand do you bring it up on the
first date, or do you wait toget down the line to bring that
(50:23):
up?
I would put it in your profile,I would not put it in my
profile.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
However, you know, if the first date's going really
well and the conversation doessegue into sex, you can be like
yeah, I'm a lot moreexperimental than I was in my
20s, right Boom, you just saidyou're a little more adventurous
in your sex life now.
Speaker 1 (50:47):
Right, because if you like the person and you get to
date three and then you find outthey're like I'm vanilla and
that's weird to me, then you'redone.
You're done Right.
You're like, hey, we can bebuddies, but we're not going to.
I'm not interested inmissionary for the rest of my
life with the same guy, right,yeah.
Or woman, right, like.
(51:08):
So if you're a guy and you'relike I need to get kinky, don't
wait till date five or thinkthat you can convince her to.
Speaker 2 (51:24):
Exactly, exactly, because I think a lot of us have
gotten a lot more experimentalin our 50s than we were in our
20s, because it was like itwasn't talked about as much, we
didn't really have as muchInternet, and missionary was
like kind of I don't know whatwe kind of came up with Right.
But yeah, I think we're a lotmore open to trying a lot of
different things.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
Absolutely All right.
That's good Politics.
Do you put your politicalaffiliation in your profile or
do you talk about it on thefirst date, or when do you talk
about it?
Speaker 2 (51:55):
I wouldn't put my political affiliation on my
profile.
There's always boxes on everysite or app that will just put
you in a box, whether it'slibertarian, republican,
democrat, conservative, whatever.
I'll give you the categories.
Check that off.
Don't go into a big like longthing about this way on social
issues, on this way on fiscalissues.
(52:17):
You know, talk about it on thefirst date.
I really think so, and unlessit's coming up as a topic I mean
right now we have so much goingon in the political world with
everything going on with tariffsand all that kind of stuff it
might be something that popsinto the conversation, but I'd
rather see you.
Two people that have differentideologies about politics can
(52:42):
also be the best matches evertoo, as long as they're both
open to listening to the otherperson's views.
So I don't think you have toput yourself in a box okay,
political debates on a firstdate, no religion.
Speaker 1 (53:03):
When do you talk about that first date in your
profile?
Speaker 2 (53:08):
You know, you mentioned it in your profile
we're not 25 and Jewish and I'vegot to marry somebody Jewish
because my parents will kill me.
If I don't right, we're 45 or50 and we're probably not going
to have kids then most likely.
So you know what Most peoplereally don't care.
Speaker 1 (53:28):
All right, here is.
I know this is going to this isgoing to sound out there, but
it's not.
It's very common In chattingprior to the first date dick
pics.
No, let's wait to see it inreal life.
That's awesome.
But on the opposite side ofthat, I know ladies get a little
spicy as we get older and we'relike some of us, lots of us.
(53:51):
I've actually talked to a lotof guys who have experienced
that.
Speaker 2 (53:53):
Yeah, after the first date, I'm OK with that.
Speaker 1 (53:57):
OK, ok, men, asking for photos that show a little
bit more before the first date.
Speaker 2 (54:08):
This is common.
Speaker 1 (54:11):
No, look at my photos online.
Love it.
All right.
This is kind of the finalquestion I'm going to ask you
before we give takeaways.
One of the biggest complaintsacross the internet and I think
there's some truth to it thatI've heard especially women
dating men in their 40s, 50s andbeyond is that there are lots
of men who come out of theirmarriages in their 40s 50s and
they get out there and theythink they want to date, or the
(54:33):
dream is to date a woman in her20s or early 30s.
I'd like to hear, from yourpoint of view, the reality about
that.
Speaker 2 (54:42):
Here's the reality.
I'm research-driven.
Stanford's been running a studyfor 25 years and men in their
fifties and sixties 80% of thempulled again ongoing survey want
to date women within five yearsof their age.
So 20% of them want to dateyounger.
(55:06):
Let them, who cares?
We've got the other 80%, sothat's the reality.
So to try to say it's like 80%of men want to date younger is
just not true.
Speaker 1 (55:18):
And I also think for women, like if you know, that's
what a guy wants to do and look,there is nothing wrong with our
younger counterparts.
I love women in their 20s and30s and I'm here to support them
.
I'm not here to compete withthem.
I find it gross that a50-year-old man thinks he's
compatible with a 20-year-oldwoman.
That's an ick for me, because Ialso have a daughter who's in
(55:40):
her 20s and the idea of a manthat age hitting it just makes
my skin crawl.
And that age hitting it justmakes my skin crawl.
As a woman, since I hit my 40sand as I've, like, aged through
(56:01):
that, I have had a huge influxof interest from younger men,
late 20s through their 30s, andfor me there's definitely like I
don't, I would never date a manin his 20s at this point in my
life and like I'm kind of likeupper in his 20s at this point
in my life and like I'm kind oflike upper 30s and beyond at
this point.
But have you seen that trend orheard of that trend yourself?
And what do you think aboutwomen in their 40s and 50s
dating?
I'm going to say I'm not goingto go into the 20s.
(56:21):
To me, Aziki, 30s and above.
Speaker 2 (56:25):
I think it's fine because I've seen a lot of that
in the last like five to sevenyears that a woman who's 60
dating men 45 and up.
They've taken good care ofthemselves, they look good, and
it's not because the man's aftertheir money or anything like
that it could work.
(56:47):
So I would tell a typical if Iwas working with like a 52 year
old woman, and she looks reallygreat for her age, et cetera, et
cetera, I would say, dating 42to 58, reasonable, absolutely
reasonable.
I mean, the only caveat therewould be like my lower range is
(57:07):
a little lower I'm not 52 yet,but yeah, the only caveat there
would be like my lower range isa little lower, I'm not 52 yet,
but yeah, the only caveat wouldbe if he wants kids and you
can't do that anymore, thenthat's going to be an issue.
Speaker 1 (57:17):
Yeah, in order to do it, but I want to be able to.
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm done with that.
All right, well, I think we'vecovered a lot of ground here,
you know?
All right, well, I think we'vecovered a lot of ground here.
You know your basics with yourprofile.
I gave you some real good do'sand don'ts with this quick
question and response.
I'd like you to sum this up,andrea Can you give my listeners
(57:40):
like right now, they're wantingto date, they're struggling.
Tell them what they can dotoday to start shifting their
success, both online and inperson, starting tonight or
tomorrow?
Speaker 2 (57:56):
Okay, I would say to start with some attitude
adjustment and positivity andthen also think about.
We all deal with rejection onsome level in every aspect of
our life.
So what I want you to do ismake a three-month commitment to
dating.
(58:17):
I don't care if it's meeting atthe grocery store, doing
meetups, doing apps, doing sites, hiring a high-end matchmaker,
I don't care what it is, butyou're going to give it three
months and you're going to bedogged and persistent through
the whole process and you're notgoing to give up.
(58:39):
There's going to be highs andlows, but you're going to give
it three months.
My bet is that probablysomewhere between 80 to 85
percent of you will meetsomebody I love that and you
have a book that can inspirethem hi, it's my baby second,
(59:02):
it's second acts winningstrategies for dating over 50.
What I like about it it's nofluff, it's very strategic, it's
very business-like.
There's a lot of worksheets inthere and there's also QR codes
to help me where I help youthrough these worksheets.
But the other thing I like isit concludes with you writing a
(59:24):
business plan for your personallife, and people are like huh,
that doesn't sound romantic.
Well, no, it's not.
But you know what it'slegitimate?
It's like let's have a plan ofaction and a strategy of where
we're going here and how we'regoing to do it, and I think we
all feel better when we have aplan in place.
(59:45):
So it's 166 tips.
Like I said, they're not fluff.
There are things you could dotoday and start immediately with
.
And it's kind of been inside mefor like, I think, 25 years,
and the book just came outJanuary of 2025.
Speaker 1 (01:00:04):
How exciting Guys.
Go get the book, Write thebusiness plan.
It sounds like this is a greatpath for defining partnership,
whatever kind of partnership youenvision for yourself in the
future.
You've got one life.
Let's not waste it on bad dates, right?
Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
Or being alone.
No, there's no reason or beingalone.
Speaker 1 (01:00:30):
No, there's no reason Right, 100%, so can you tell my
listeners, everywhere they canfind you Because you are also a
matchmaker, so you can get thebook, but also she can help you
find love.
Speaker 2 (01:00:38):
I can help you find love and I'm really great at
finding love online where youmight be like, oh, I don't want
to do this and I'll be like,that's okay, I'm your
cheerleader, I'm going to helpyou, I'm very direct, I'm
graciously direct and I'll havea strategy for you.
(01:00:59):
So you can find me at33,000datescom and that's
33000datescom, and you can buymy book anywhere.
It's Second Amps WinningStrategies forating number 50,
amazon has it, barnes, noble,everyone has it, but you can
also find it on my website.
Oh, and the other thing I woulddo I would take.
I've got a fun dating quiz onmy website.
Take it, because it'll show youhow you stack up and compare to
(01:01:24):
other people your age that aredating and it might give you
some clues and things you knowyou're doing really well and
maybe some things you know thatyou need to work on a little bit
too.
Speaker 1 (01:01:34):
All right, guys, you don't have to be alone in this
journey.
You've got a woman here who hashad so much success at helping
people find love.
So if this is something that isimportant to you moving forward
from this point on in your life, go and find a cheerleader
who's going to help you get whatyou want, and you know where to
(01:01:56):
find Andrea.
As for sex and intimacy, youguys know I'm out here and I am
coaching and my books are open.
If you want a cheerleader whenit comes to having more orgasms,
I'm your girl.
I'm here for you.
My books are open.
You can find out more aboutthat at TalkSexWithAnettecom.
But until next time, I wish youall well on this journey and
(01:02:18):
I'm here for you every week tohelp you move forward.
Thank you so much, andrea, forjoining me and giving these
fantastic strategies to mylistenership.
I appreciate you.
It's my pleasure.
So, wishful eye, and to mylisteners, I will see you in the
locker room.
Cheers.
Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck,
and always with the goal offighting the patriarchy.
One female orgasm at a time.
Welcome to the locker room.
Today's topic is think datingover 50 is a dumpster fire.
(00:46):
This matchmaker's secrets willblow your mind.
If you think dating over 50 isjust a sad game of ghosting and
dinner with dudes who talk aboutcrypto and hitting the gym,
think again.
My guest today is Andrea McGinty, and she's not just any dating
coach.
She is the godmother of moderndating, a matchmaking legend
(01:08):
with over 30 years of experience, founder of the global service
it's Just Lunch and the womanbehind more than 33,000 dates
and 4,200 marriages.
It's really impressive.
She's been featured on Oprah,cnn, the Wall Street Journal and
now she's here with me in thelocker room because she's just
(01:30):
launched her brand new book,second Acts Winning Strategies
for Dating Over 50.
And, trust me, she's about toflip every outdated idea you
have about finding love later inlife.
I'm excited about thisconversation because y'all know
if you've been listening for anytime your girl is single.
Scroll down.
You're gonna find all of mylinks below to wherever you
(01:51):
wanna find me.
But for now, andrea, could youtake a moment to introduce
yourself to my listeners?
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Hey, annette.
Yes, I'm excited to be herebecause if I went back 30 years
ago, to the beginning of mycareer, there was no place for
women, aren't there that werelike in their 50s and 60s.
Today the whole world haschanged, which I'm like.
Okay, some people complain I'mgiving up so much of my privacy.
(02:22):
I'm like the heck with privacy.
Hey, we can date now.
The world has opened up.
So I started 30 years ago afterI was getting married and a
couple days before the weddinghe called it off and I was in my
early twenties in Chicago andmy world collapsed at that point
, but I kicked my butt and gotout of it.
(02:43):
Collapsed at that point, but Ikicked my butt and got out of it
, started thinking about okay,there's got to be a better way
to date and do this.
And my background is financeand accounting, which I never
did in my life.
I've always been good at fixingmy friends.
I've actually two of my collegeroommates I've fixed up and
they are still married to thisday.
(03:04):
Actually, two of my collegeroommates I've accepted.
They are still married to thisday.
But anyway, I started thinkingafter this happened to me.
Oh my gosh, you know how do youmeet people.
And then executive recruitercalled me about a job and I
thought to myself why is therelike somebody like that would be
calling me about my personallife?
(03:25):
You know like, hey, andrea,we've got this perfect guy for
you.
He fits XYZ and ABC.
And I started thinking about it.
Remember, we're in 1990.
There's no Google, there's noonline dating.
That's how the whole ball gotrolling.
I started a company called it'sJust Lunch because I was a big
believer in meeting somebody forjust an hour and meeting over
(03:46):
lunch or meeting over a drinkafter work, putting the two
people together and they reallydidn't know much about each
other, but they'd meet up forlunch and into boss.
Fast forward, 20 years later,we had 110 locations worldwide
and that's when I ended upselling the company.
(04:06):
I had two offers at that point,one from matchcom and one from a
private equity group, but Ireally saw the writing on the
wall.
I saw online dating in itsinfancy, when it was just a
chaotic mess.
But by the time we hit, when itwas just a chaotic mess, but by
the time we hit 2010, 2015,.
(04:27):
A lot of them have it togetherand there's over 1,400 dating
platforms out there.
And, of course, in the meantime, I'm aged too.
I'm no longer 22.
Now I'm in my 40s and 50s.
I did get married.
I was married for 24 years andthen I got divorced.
So I knew what it's like to hitearly 50s and be single again.
(04:52):
And that's when I started33,000 Dates, which is all about
how to use the internet, how touse online dating the right way
.
So you're getting what you wantand it's not like this scary
place, and you're using theright sites and you're doing it
(05:12):
the right way.
So I'm very business oriented,action oriented and strategic in
the way I go about dating.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Fantastic, and so we're going to mine that
experience and your knowledge sothat my listeners who are out
there, who are in midlife so 40s, 50s and up and single and
wanting to find love again orwhatever it is you want to get
out of dating, can do that moreeffectively.
(05:41):
And I know there's a lot of youout there, because I'm on
TikTok and all the social mediaplatforms and I hear everyone
complaining about dating andmidlife.
So stay to the end, folks,because this whole conversation
is going to help guide you tohaving the ability to find the
relationship you want, or atleast having a better shot at it
(06:03):
.
And, of course, at the end ofthe podcast, we're going to give
you the takeaways so you canstart changing your love life,
starting tonight.
This afternoon.
It's the morning, right now.
This always posts in themorning, so by the end of the
day maybe you'll have a datelined up, who knows?
So stay to the end, andrea.
I'm excited to have you here.
Let's get ready to talk aboutdating and finding love.
Let's get ready to talk aboutdating and finding love.
(06:24):
Andrea brought wine.
She's spicy this morning.
I love it, cheers.
Let's talk about dating inmidlife, andrea.
Let's just blow up the biggestmyth right off the bat why is
dating over 50 not a?
Speaker 2 (06:41):
death sentence, but actually a total advantage.
It's a total advantage datingover over 50 because we're so
much wise.
People complain about baggageand I'm like let's reframe that,
folks.
Let's call it life experience.
We know so much more than weknew in our twenties and we know
(07:03):
how to spot things.
Now we're not 22 and don't knowwhat we're doing.
We know what we want and a lotof times we, even more so, know
what we don't want.
So when you're dating in yourfifties, you probably never
imagined that you would be,because maybe you walked down
the aisle at 25 or 30 or were ina long-term relationship and
you did not think, whoa, wow, Ican't wait to do this again when
(07:27):
I'm 50 or 55.
No, none of us thought that.
But we are in such a lucky erabecause it's not our parents,
it's not our grandparents' erawhere I mean, that was the kiss
of death If you were single inyour 50s, because, good luck,
your friends are all married.
Meeting people is reallydifficult, but not anymore with
(07:51):
online dating.
There's over 1,400 platformsout there dating apps, dating
sites and there's a good portionthat really focus on us, the 45
plus, the 45 to 65-year-oldgroup so there's so many easy
ways to meet people.
Now Are they going to knock onyour door?
(08:12):
No, you've got to do a littlework.
You've got to get on yourlaptop.
You can't let tech scare you,because there's really nothing
scary about it.
They've improved it so muchover the lifespan that I've been
in this business, which is over30 years.
And the verification processesthe top dating apps put people
(08:35):
through with their photos thatthey're really who they say they
are.
They've gone through so much ofthat.
They can even age photos now.
So when you're online, you'renot looking at somebody that
when he shows up on a dateyou're like, oh, he looks about
20 years older than that photo.
(08:55):
That that just doesn't happenanymore.
So we're living in it.
We're living in a great age andon top of it, everyone thinks,
thinks my male clients.
They're all like all the goodwomen are taken.
My female clients are like allthe good men are married.
It is so, not true.
Look at research I'm veryresearch driven and 28% of men
(09:17):
over the age of 50 are single,meaning single, widowed,
divorced and 30% of women are.
So there's a 2% spread there.
So it's not like it's reallyfemale heavy out there, it's
just women like to talk aboutthis a lot more and complain
about it.
So get rid of those negativefriends that are complaining
(09:41):
about dating and do this on yourown.
Don't talk about your datinglife to your married friends or
to your single friends, who youknow have a bad attitude.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Right, because I will say, online you hear especially
women, but the men are nowchiming in as well that are in
sort of their midlife phase, 40sand up.
I'm going to say 40s and up.
I think that's a fair categoryto focus on Talk about how awful
(10:15):
dating the other cohort intheir age range is.
So women are fed up with themen in their age range 40s and
up in the dating sphere, andthen men are now chiming in with
their own complaints.
Right, it's interesting to methat you say we're kind of
equally single.
However, there's this hugefocus on the male loneliness
(10:38):
epidemic.
So I would ask you this Do youfind that a lot of women in
midlife are choosing just tostay single in comparison to the
men in the same age group?
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I find that there are equally women and men in their
40s, 50s, 60s that are lookingfor relationships.
There is a loneliness epidemicin this country.
There is a loneliness epidemicin this country and it's
something.
University of Michigan has areally good study that's been
going on for years now and itreally talks about the
loneliness epidemic and thatpeople, if they lose somebody or
(11:17):
they get divorced and they donothing about it.
When we talk about longevity oflife and a happy life, sure,
okay, eat the Mediterranean diet, do your 10K steps every day,
but the number one thing forhappiness and living long and
healthy is a romantic partner inyour life, number one thing
(11:41):
that determines how long you'regoing to live and how happy and
how healthy.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Is that for both genders?
Because my understanding is inmarriage, men tend to live
longer when they're married thanwhen they're single, whereas
it's the opposite effect forwomen.
Is that what your research hasshown you?
Speaker 2 (11:59):
My research hasn't shown me that at all.
It shows equally that bothsexes are living longer with a
romantic partner, with somebodythey love.
Now, does that necessarily meanmarriage?
When we're talking about the40s and 50s a lot of the 40s and
50s they will get remarried.
Maybe it's a first marriage,maybe it's a second marriage.
(12:21):
Now, when we're talking aboutthe 60s, it's more of an
exclusive, long-termrelationship.
They don't really care as muchabout getting married, but still
they have that connection.
So you know, that connection,whether it be marriage or just a
long-term relationship, is veryimportant.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Right.
Intimacy, touch sex.
Folk sex is important until theday you die.
All right, so let's get into it.
I want to start with what arethe top.
Let's say three complaints.
You hear from women aboutdating in their 40s, 50s and
beyond Women's number onecomplaint all of the good men
(13:04):
are taken.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Uh-uh, they're not.
I already talked about thestatistics on that.
That's absolutely not true.
Number two women tend to talkto their female friends and
there's too much negativity outthere.
They want to talk about the bad.
They want to talk about oh, Imet this weird guy online, or
(13:33):
this happened on a date, or thathappened on a date, and so they
tend to focus on negativity.
The third thing is they sendmessages while they're online
but they're not getting enoughback and men aren't responsive.
And I say hey, you know whatthat ball's in your court.
That's your problem, that's notthe site you're on and it's not
(13:53):
the men's problem.
The problem is you're doingsomething wrong online.
It might be your photos, itmight be what you wrote in your
profile.
No man wants to read in aprofile.
These are the 10 must-haves.
I must have Two or three thingsthat are important to you and
are dispersed in a positive way.
(14:13):
That's fine to do, but when youare being so specific about
what you're looking for, there'snothing wrong with wanting what
you want, but listing them outlike that can be such a turnoff
to men.
And then women wonder why am Inot getting a message back, and
(14:37):
also sometimes in their bios ortheir profiles.
There could be some negativitytoo.
I'll give you an example.
I've been on this site for fouryears and I don't want the
following and then they make alist of all the bad things that
have happened to them.
Or their first message to theman that they're interested in a
(14:59):
potential date with is hi, Isee you play tennis, blah, blah,
blah, whatever.
And then how's it going for you?
I bumble.
I'm just finding the quality ofpeople are awful.
How about you?
Oh my gosh, I cannot believe.
You just said that.
I tell women if they're askedthat question by a man, what?
(15:20):
On a couple texts back andforth before you actually meet
for a date, the man sayssomething to you like how's your
experience been on this site sofar?
There's only one answer youknow what?
It's been great, I've met somany interesting people.
It's not the right one yetRight right.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
So I mean yeah, that gets me to what are, and then
we'll move on to the men.
But what are the top mistakesthat women are making on their
profile?
So it sounds like negativity.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Poor photos.
It's visual.
We all know online dating isvisual and I would say when I'm
working with clients, I haveabout 70% of them that I'll send
to a professional photographer.
And I don't mean go get photosthat like look LinkedIn-ish,
like look corporate-y, orthey're in the studio with those
(16:14):
like swirly backgrounds behindyou, but get good pictures.
If you're adventurous or you'reoutdoorsy, show me the pictures
.
Show me you in an outriggercanoe.
Show me you skiing.
Show me you doing these things,versus telling me.
The pictures sell so much morethan the words.
(16:36):
Plus, the men just don't read.
They just don't read.
And women one of the mistakesthey make.
They'll write a long profile.
Nobody's going to read it.
They're better looking at yourphotos.
And men, if they're interested,they're going to glance at your
profile.
When you think about magazineslike Men's Health or GQ, there's
(16:57):
a reason they write bulletpoints and blurbs because that's
the way men like to look atnews.
So they want to see just threeor four bullet points about you
that are really specific andinteresting.
Not just I like to cook, butpeople go crazy for my French
silk pie, something that's muchmore specific.
(17:19):
So those are some of themistakes women make.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Your French silk pie.
I'm just saying there's ametaphor in there, folks, you
might want to borrow that one.
People go crazy for it.
All right, that's wonderful.
So now let's talk about men.
What are their top like?
Three complaints about onlinedating?
Women in their 40s, 50s andbeyond women in their 40s, 50s
(17:46):
and beyond.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Men have the same complaint over and over again.
40% of my clients are men andthis is what they all say why,
when I'm online and I open it upand I look at it on my phone or
my laptop or whatever, and Iget winks and smiles and likes
(18:08):
and no message, what does thatmean?
Why could she not write amessage?
Basically, the men feel likeshe just kicked the ball back in
my court, right?
Does she not have anything tosay?
Now I have to do all the work.
What's a wink or a smile mean?
Like, come on, let's get withit.
(18:29):
Yeah, you can send a wink or asmile, but send a good message
too, and it's easy to send, froma female perspective to a man,
a good response.
You're looking at their photos.
They have five or six photos.
It might be a family photo.
It might be a family skivacation, it might be, you know,
(18:51):
whitewater rafting.
You know, make a comment aboutsomething that they're doing and
then about your own experiencewith something adventurous that
you do.
You know that fits them, and Imean, if you're not adventurous,
that's okay too.
You're probably not picking theguy who's doing all this
(19:12):
adventure.
You know, kind of travel.
But men really complain aboutthose likes and winks and hearts
.
And why can't women send amessage?
The other message I have forwomen here from the men is that
sending a message to a manbefore they reached out to you
(19:34):
showed a lot of self-confidence,and self-confidence is very
sexy to men.
So send a well-thought-outmessage and don't send a book.
So send a well thought outmessage and don't send a book.
Set you know, three or foursentences and then end it with
I'm interested, let's grab adrink.
Always use salutations, youknow, hey, mark, warmly, mia.
(19:56):
So use names and make it warmand gracious.
And there are parts of thecountry where I see varying
messages, like New York.
New Yorkers can tend to be verybrutal with their messages,
like one-liners.
You know, what are you lookingfor?
I've been doing this forever.
What are you looking for?
(20:17):
Let's just get this over without front, or I'm looking to get
married again.
What are you looking for?
Do you think that's gracious oranybody really wants to respond
to you?
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Right, like a little foreplay here, folks, a little
foreplay, right, that's what weneed.
So that's one thing, but what'sthe second complaint that they
have?
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Yeah, that men have.
They want to make sure thatwomen are not lying.
So, women, what you can do is,when you post a photo, also post
when it was taken, like March2025, December 2024, if it's a
(21:00):
Christmas shot or something sothat they really see this is
what they're getting, becausethere's nothing worse than for
either a man or a woman showingup on a date and seeing this
person and they look 10 yearsolder than their pictures and 20
pounds heavier than theirpictures.
So you know honesty.
(21:22):
Let's be honest with what we'reshowing, Right, and we're going
to have a lot more success too,and so then a third complaint
men have about women's onlinedating profiles and responses.
The last one would be withresponses.
Online dating moves veryquickly.
(21:43):
The etiquette online isgenerally within 12 hours.
You should be responding tosomeone.
Are you carrying your tempoaround all day?
No, but you've got your cellphone.
Get back to the person rightaway.
And the other thing is ifyou've had a good first date
with somebody.
I was just on the phone beforethis with a client and she said
(22:06):
we had a good date yesterday andI said when was it?
And she said lunch and I saiddid you respond back that you
want to see him again?
She goes no, I was kind ofwaiting till today and I said no
, if it's a lunch date that youwent on with him yesterday and
he picked up the tab, which isvery common.
Thank you, men, for being sogracious.
(22:27):
Later in the afternoon, earlyevening, the appropriate thing
is manners, is etiquette is tosend a message, you know.
Thank you so much for a lovelylunch and a lovely discussion.
I'd love to do this again.
What would you think about andoffer up an idea If it's
somebody you want to see again,would you like to go hiking?
(22:50):
Or I have two tickets to thisevent coming up this weekend.
Would you like to be my guest.
So be reciprocal in what you'redoing and show some interest.
What?
Speaker 1 (23:01):
are the three top mistakes men are making with
their own profile in onlinedating.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Oh, number one easy Photos.
Oh my gosh, after I sold, it'sJust Lunch and started 33,000
dates.
There was a reason I started33,000 dates.
One of my best friends, acouple, got divorced and luckily
I was able to stay friends withboth of them and they were like
48, 49 when they got divorcedand Mark, the husband or the
(23:31):
ex-husband, called me and said Idon't know what I'm doing
online dating.
I'm getting the worst women.
So I said, okay, give me yourlogin and your password, let me
go in and see what you're doinghere.
So I go in and I'm like, oh mygosh, this guy is a successful
CFO, he's good looking, he'svery marketable.
(23:54):
And I look at his photos and hehas a photo he took like a
selfie in the car, a selfie inthe bathroom, a selfie with the
fish.
I'm like, mark, what's up withthe fish?
You don't even fish.
He goes.
I don't know.
I just thought it was like kindof unique.
I go.
That's not a term for any woman.
You know.
Bad photos, bad photos.
(24:16):
So, number one mistake men makeare just awful photos.
So okay, photos that work formen, showing a picture of you
maybe walking your daughter downthe aisle as she's getting
married.
Another good photo could be afamily party, thanksgiving,
(24:37):
because it also shows you in asocial light that you have
people in your life that you'reclose to.
So by far men's biggest mistakeis with their photos.
The second mistake would be toomuch chatter online, too much
texting back and forth, and thismight go to somebody who's 50,
(25:02):
recently widowed, it happens, orrecently divorced, and they're
writing about it to this strangethat they're communicating with
.
I mean, this person's still astranger and they're talking
about it.
And as a woman, you're thinking, oh, I don't want to be his
(25:23):
interim girlfriend, right?
I don't want to be the one tobe his therapist and talk him
through this and get him over itand get him ready for other
women.
So keep the personal stuff to aminimum and get it to the first
date as fast as possible,because you cannot tell
(25:45):
chemistry online and when it'sgoing back and forth too much
with text, those are not realdates.
And I talked to a client earlierthis week a male client and I
said, okay, so tell me about thepast week, and he said, oh,
it's great.
And I'm like okay, how manydates did you have?
He said none.
(26:08):
So what was great he goes.
Well, look at me, because I'monline with my clients at the
same time, so I'm on the samedating app or site with them and
I'm looking and he's writinglong texts.
She's writing long texts and hethinks he's in a relationship.
He's already told some of hisfriends that he played golf with
(26:28):
over the weekend about thiswoman who he's never even met,
who is just fantastic.
Or this is the other thing thatis just as bad, but even more of
a time waster phone calls.
So he also said to me and I hada great phone call with her and
then my normal question is forhow long?
(26:50):
Oh, probably, it was like anhour and a half.
And then I told her I'd callher the next day and we talked
again for probably 45 minutesand I said those aren't real
dates.
You're getting nowhere.
You have to go out on the date.
Those are just total timewasters.
When you put those two datestogether, I mean, that's over
(27:11):
two hours.
You could have taken a shower,shaved, met this woman in person
and found out whether or notthe two of you had chemistry or
not, because chemistry is notgoing to happen with the written
word or with a chatter over thephone.
It just isn't.
So stop all this texting.
(27:32):
And the way it really shouldwork.
And I tell my men this all thetime you text, she texts, you
text, she texts, you suggestplace time for the date.
And if you go, something likethis oh, we've got so much in
common.
I'm excited to meet you.
How does Friday or Saturdayaround four work for a drink and
(27:57):
an appetizer?
And let's do it halfway betweenus?
And what do you think aboutBistro 110?
Have you been there?
So we're being specific, we'rebeing specific.
We're throwing out two datesand we're throwing out a place
to meet.
The worst thing the men can dois say something like I'd like
(28:21):
to meet you sometime.
I'm just like what Sometime?
Sometime's never going tohappen, right.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
So what you're saying is they should initiate that
date in that manner.
They should say let's give thema couple of dates, give them a
location halfway in between.
When a man wants to go on adate with me, he needs to come
my direction.
That's just how I do it,because for me it's like I think
there's a higher risk factorfor women just in meeting a man
(28:45):
on a date, and I'm just like Ineed to be close to my home.
I need a quick exit plan.
If so, I'm just here's where Ilive, and you know what.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
I agree with you there because just as as the men
can throw out the idea of afirst date, just as often I like
to see the women throwing outthe idea of a first date.
Now, let's say you live a halfan hour from each other.
I am 100% with you that the manshould do it 10 minutes from
(29:14):
your house.
He drives 20 minutes, you drive10 minutes.
Absolutely fine, and most menwill be totally fine with that.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Yeah, for me, a man who that seems to be a problem,
where they're like oh well, butthat's all the way where you
live, you know, I'm instantlylike this probably isn't going
to work for me.
That's just, that's my instantreaction, because I also know
myself.
I live in Portland.
(29:46):
There's like all of theseoutskirt towns like Beaverton
and Gresham and stuff like thatthat can take anywhere from a
half hour to 40 minutes to getto.
And I know for a fact if I meetsomeone who lives there and I'm
going to have to go thatdirection a lot unless I'm
absolutely this guy has to belike he's got to be something
super special for me to want todo that regularly, like coming
my direction more.
Or I know that it's got to besomething super special for me
to want to do that regularly,like coming my direction more.
Or I know that it's going topeter off for me.
(30:07):
Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
And I agree with you and I think the majority of men
will absolutely do that theylike to drive.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Men love to drive.
I hate driving.
I have yet to be in arelationship where the man
wanted me to drive, like wherewe got in a car and he was like
why don't you drive me?
Never have I ever had thathappen and guys just tend to
like I hate driving.
So I need a man who wants tofight the traffic to get to his
(30:36):
woman.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Right, yeah, I agree, and I think best men will do
that.
And, as I said, when a woman issuggesting a date, if there's a
45 minute split between wherethe two of you live, make it
within like 10 minutes of yourhouse and you can drive the half
an hour Absolutely positivelyfine.
(30:59):
And it's so rare where a mansays no, yeah, I want to be
exactly.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
And everything you've just said about profiles I
think resonates with me with mypast experience.
First of all, like sometimes Iused to joke with my girlfriends
when I was on the apps that I'dbe scrolling through men and
I'm like if there was horrormovie style music playing behind
me while I was scrolling, itwould totally fit the pictures
(31:26):
I'm seeing.
I'm like why would they takephotos like that?
Some of them are literally makethem look like somebody you
wouldn't want to meet in a darkalley.
You know, if you think abouthow we're socialized, women are
socialized to focus on theirphysical appearance and how they
look, and men aren't reallytaught that as well.
(31:47):
So when they're now trying totake pictures because they have
to do that, they have no concept.
But sometimes the photos I'mjust like Jesus Christ, talk to
a girlfriend, have her look atthe photos you're putting up and
tell you what it looks like,right.
And then, on the other hand, Ithink that the negativity can go
both ways.
I mean, I'm really turned offby a profile from a guy who's
(32:11):
like I don't want a woman withdrama and you better match your
pictures.
Men will put that in theirprofile too, and I would imagine
like also with women.
In fact I'm bisexual and I havedated women and been on the
apps dating women and I wouldimagine like also with women.
In fact I'm bisexual and I havedated women and been on the
apps dating women and I've seena lot of that as well and I'm
just like like that means that'skind of for me your overall
(32:33):
personality, right.
If you're willing to put it onyour profile, then I'm going to
assume that's going to be 90% ofwhat I experience when I'm with
you, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Absolutely.
And anyone who's putting anytype of rants on a profile, I
don't care.
If it's about dating, politics,whatever, get off.
Keep it off your profile.
Nobody cares, you know, I meanthere's boxes.
You check on every single siteout there liberal, conservative,
(33:05):
whatever, linkedin, that Right.
There's no reason you have toget into politics in a long rant
because it's a big trouble.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Right, and so I believe one of your concepts in
dating over 40 or 50 that youtalk to people about is to think
of your profile like it's yourbranding correct?
Yes, Can you just let's capthis part of the conversation
with explaining what that meansto people who might not fully
understand the concept ofbranding themselves.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Sure.
Okay, my book, which just cameout two ago.
It has 15 worksheets in it andthen it also has QR codes in it
where I explain how to workthrough the worksheet.
Like the first worksheet justkind of gets you into it, Like
where's your head at and itreally shows, like whether or
not you're ready to date or not,which I think is a good way to
(34:02):
start.
Okay, Branding is reallyimportant.
You are already doing it,whether you know it or not.
You're on Facebook, you're onInsta, you're on TikTok you
could be on a lot of things.
You're already brandingyourself, so you LinkedIn.
You're branding yourself, soyou're branding.
I have a whole worksheet thattakes you through.
(34:24):
What do you want your brand tolook like?
What do you want to look like?
How do you want to portrayyourself to others?
What do you look like?
Think about it, Because I thinkwhen we go on Instagram, a lot
of people aren't really thinkingabout what's my branding look
like?
How am I coming across to otherpeople?
And that's really important.
(34:46):
If you don't understand branding, you don't need to read book
found branding All you need todo.
Or you don't even need toGoogle it or use AI or anything.
Do this worksheet, my book, andit'll really make you think
about what is my brand.
And part of what I do in thatworksheet is have you reach out
to a couple of close friends andcome up with some descriptive
(35:09):
words about you and how they seeyou and how they see your brand
and how they would write anelevator pitch about you.
A lot of people that aren't inbusiness don't know what an
elevator pitch is either.
Reaching out for some help fromsome girlfriends or friends can
(35:29):
be very helpful with your ownbranding and I don't mean
generic words like fun, happy,positive, considerate, kind,
nice.
Those words mean nothing.
They mean just absolutelyhopefully we're all those things
you know, but they don't meananything.
You've got to come up withgreat descriptive words that are
(35:52):
going to build your brand image.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
That makes sense.
You want people to get a senseof like who you really are and
then attract, hopefully, similarfolks.
So let's move to really quickly.
And then I want to get to thefirst date, because I think
that's important, like what wedo on the first date, but, like
for someone like me, I havechosen at this point not to be
on apps and I know that's sortof one of the things you're
(36:17):
teaching about mostly is how tobrand themselves on apps.
But for somebody like me andpeople who just need a break
from that kind of dating, wherewould you suggest people who are
in their 40s, 50s and beyond go, or what should they do?
Who want to veer away from theapps right now?
Speaker 2 (36:34):
Okay, you don't want to do the apps.
What I would say then, is getinvolved in things that you are
genuinely interested in.
I'll give you an example.
I had a client not too long ago, a female client in her late
40s, and she thought it would bea good idea to go to the
driving range every night andhit golf balls, because it's a
(36:56):
good place to meet men.
Yes, good idea, except shehates golf.
So, as she's hitting golf balls, she's meeting men, and then
men are saying would you like togo out and play around, Would
you?
And she hates it, you know.
And then it comes across reallyfast Sir, don't do stuff you
don't like.
(37:18):
One of my things is I'm thinkingto yoga and my yoga studio.
I go to like probably fourtimes a week and each class is
about 40 or 50 people.
My husband cracks up this hegoes how many men today?
And because I always count howmany men are in the class, so
all right, let's say there's 40people in the class.
I'm like today there were eight, Today there were six.
(37:39):
That you know.
And I tell them and I think tomyself those are smart men and
they're all age groups, from 30,40, 50, 60 in the class.
Maybe they're doing yogabecause they love yoga and they
want to get in shape.
But it's also an awesome placefor the guys to meet with it,
because there's all that chatter, you know, before class starts.
(38:01):
Get there 10 minutes early,Okay.
What else can you do?
Do some meetups, Like I wouldsay, throw it all at the wall,
Like don't just say I'm going todo one thing and I'm going to
focus on this one thing.
Okay, meetups, there's some.
You're in Portland, so you'rein an outdoorsy market, so a
(38:21):
meetup like a hiking meetup,that will be a nice mix of men
and women.
Now, if you're going to go takea pottery class, it's going to
be a lot of women, it just is.
That's the way that one rolls.
So do some things that youreally like and you're really
(38:42):
interested in yourself.
And that's the best way to meetpeople outside your circle,
because we tend to have tightcircles and groups of friends
and we need to get outside thatcircle of friends sometimes.
Now, as far as the meetingorganically or meeting in the
wild Meg Ryan, meet cute atWhole Foods Okay, that just
(39:07):
doesn't work.
It just doesn't.
I mean, your odds are so low atmeeting somebody that way.
Speaker 1 (39:13):
Can I give a tip though?
Because here's what I do.
I'm going to tell you the toptwo places I get asked out
regularly.
Uber drivers I can count onalmost, and it sounds crazy but
it's true.
But I would say 30% of the maledrivers end up asking me out,
(39:34):
which, by the way, is alsouncomfortable because then you
feel forced into giving theminformation because they've got
you in their car, so also kindof freaks you out creepy, so
drawback to that.
But grocery stores have beengood for me.
That but grocery stores havebeen good for me.
I have to admit I have anadvantage I'm short, I'm very
short, so I will sidle up to aguy who's attractive, who's
(39:55):
given me a smile, because I dothink more men are going there
looking for what.
I think I've noticed an uptickin Portland and I'm short, and
so I'll go to get something offa top shelf and make it look
hard for myself and inevitablythey'll offer to get me whatever
I need off the top shelf.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Okay, and then what happens?
Speaker 1 (40:18):
next.
Then I thank them and I start aconversation.
I talk to strangers all of thetime, interview them.
I'm good at asking questions.
People love and this is a greatsegue into the first date.
I am a great date because I'mvery curious and people love to
have people ask them questionsabout themselves.
(40:40):
So I'm also pretty witty andgood at saying something funny.
It gives me an opportunity tomake a joke about my height or
whatever and then ask themsomething.
If they're interested, they'regoing to engage and continue the
conversation.
Right, and I can hold aconversation all by myself.
So you figure out a lot.
(41:00):
But I think you're right Ingeneral.
There's the other side of it.
A lot of women would say whenI'm going to the grocery store
or running these errands, Idon't want to have to deal with
men hitting on me.
It's a hit and miss.
You've given a lot of solutionsto the profile.
You've given ideas for youdon't want to get on the apps.
Here's kind of how you can goabout it.
Let's talk about the first dateor even if you're going to the
(41:22):
meetup and that firstconversation starts, how do we
have success in person?
Because where a lot of thecomplaints online, especially
from women, and I'm going to say, at least from what I'm hearing
and seeing, women tend tocomplain about first dates more
than men.
Is that I would go and be likea really engaged first date.
The date would end and the guywould be like this was so fun.
(41:45):
I really go in for the kiss,like, say they want to go on the
next date, and I would have hadjust a miserable time.
I'd be at the end of it, I'd betired, I'd have carried the
conversation and I'm like thiswasn't fun for me.
You know, you didn't ask meanything about myself, right?
You told me about your bunions,Like, oh, I need to go home and
(42:09):
take a shower.
These are things that haveactually happened to me on first
date.
So can you help listeners knowwhat to do on the first date?
That's going to lead to asecond date.
Right, that's our goal.
Let's get to the second date.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Right, that's all.
The first date is it'sinformation gathering and
knowing.
Do I want to go on a seconddate with this person?
Okay, so a couple of thingsfrom what you just said.
You don't want to talk aboutactual problems like what you
just mentioned, but I hadsomebody last week say to a
client of mine yeah, I'm gettingknee replacement surgery next
week, and talk about it Out thedate.
(42:42):
She's like what, I'm like never.
Thank you, you know, I barelyknow you.
So that obviously was goingnowhere.
So conversations on the firstdate get your news somewhere.
I don't care if you get it fromApple or Yahoo or the Wall
Street Journal or whatever.
I have some interesting topicsto talk about, and talking about
(43:06):
interests too.
Okay, now, this is a problemthat I've seen since the
beginning of my career at age 22.
Men, men like to talk on dates.
Men can go on and on, and sohere's what I tell my female
clients.
So you can go to one of thosekind of dates and, just being
(43:29):
there, a bad person, and I don'tknow why they do it, and I'm
not a sociologist or apsychologist or anything, but I
don't know if it's like back tothe caveman era.
I'm a hunter gatherer, and I'mjust trying to show my
masculinity.
Who cares what it is, they doit right.
How do we get out of that sothat this whole hour date does
(43:52):
not turn into, just like youknow, a monologue?
So what I tell my clients is,after 10, 15 minutes and he's
going on and on about somethingand there may be some potential
it's just to put your hand upand go oh, just wait a second.
I feel like I know so muchabout you.
(44:12):
You're such a goodconversationalist, you must have
a ton of questions about me.
So, shoot, what do you want toknow about me?
And it's a really nice way tointerrupt, though and you're
laughing as you say it, you havea smile on your face, but they
start asking you questions, andthen it becomes dialogue.
It becomes back and forth talk.
(44:33):
Now, if you make it to thatsecond date where you've had a
talker, you'll find, for themost part, it reverses not
totally, but it becomes more ofa 50, 50, 60, 40 type of
conversation.
But after 15 minutes, I wouldsay cut it off that way, just
(44:54):
cut it off.
Though I'll tell you, after Igot divorced, my first week of
online dating, I went in fivefirst dates and that's like too
many first dates for one weekbecause I couldn't even remember
what I talked about with eachperson.
This one guy, he was a doctor.
He was like a dermatologist,plastic surgeon, and I'm just
(45:16):
thinking to myself this guy isso boring.
And then I decided no, let'sre-fraud this, andrea, you have
no interest in him.
Ask him a lot of questionsabout product and face because
he likes to talk about, and Ifelt like I got like a 45 minute
console on the best productsfor you know using on my face
(45:39):
and you know, looking youngerand stuff like that.
And I always laugh about thatdate.
Because he even called meafterwards for a second date, I
thought, no, I really enjoyedmeeting you, but I met somebody
else and I kind of want to seewhat's going to happen with him.
But I didn't walk away withthat date with nothing.
(45:59):
I walked away with some reallygood vitamin C serum and a good
hyaluronic acid to use on myface, so it wasn't a waste.
Speaker 1 (46:08):
I love that.
I love that you turned it intosomething you got something out
of, because I do think a lot ofwomen feel like after they go on
dates that they've lost time.
It's like I didn't get anythingout of that and guys will be
like, well, did he pay for themeal?
Most of us can pay for our ownfood and we'd rather spend that
20 bucks on our own food thanlike lose all of that energy and
(46:32):
time.
We most of us get paid morethan like $20 for what ends up
being like a two hour date.
It's not a good trade-off.
So that's one thing like a hugetip for men.
Yes, you're selling yourself,but part of selling yourself is
demonstrating that you are agood listener, that you're
(46:53):
curious about her, that you'rean empath, listen to her stories
and react to them right, like.
I think that we get so.
So and this is for people ofall ages, but especially older
men, because they're reallytrying to prove their worth so
into the selling of themselvesthat they forget that the
selling, the real sell, happenswhen you demonstrate your
(47:17):
quality of character to a womanand what you're going to bring.
So let's do this.
First, I'm going to ask yousome yes and no questions, some
quick like rattle off youradvice.
First date should it be aquickie drink or lunch, or
should we have a full romanticdinner?
(47:39):
It'd be a quickie, drink orlunch.
Kissing on the first date yesor no?
You feel it yes.
Sex on the first date yes or no?
Probably no, probably no.
Okay, dress how do you dress onthe first date?
Dress up, dress down.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Don't, okay, first of all, don't drink coffee dates.
Coffee dates are compounds.
It's showing up in your lulus.
It's not attractive.
Look so dressing up, you know?
Okay.
A drink date a pair of jeans, acute shirt and a pair of heels
Great.
A lunch date a cute top, a pairof jeans and some high-end
(48:20):
sneakers Perfect.
Speaker 1 (48:22):
Okay, no dresses.
I always wear dresses to thefirst date.
No, too much For cocktails.
Speaker 2 (48:29):
Yeah, yeah for cocktails.
Yeah, dress is great forcocktails, yeah, Okay perfect,
not for lunch, not for lunch,okay Ask for the second date at
the end of the first date, orwait until you've parted and
(48:49):
gone home.
First you like them, you cansay no, I had a really great
time.
I'd love to do this again.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
How do you feel?
Either man and woman can dothis.
All right, yep, absolutely Okay.
Talk about your ex on the firstdate a little early.
Speaker 2 (49:14):
You could talk about your kids.
Speaker 1 (49:17):
That's normal family kids when do you talk about sex?
Speaker 2 (49:21):
that's usually around three, very common time for
first time intimacy for some.
Some people it's very much ofan emotional connection first.
For some people it's purelyrecreational.
If you're both in therecreational thing you could
have sex on the second date,right.
But if you need that emotionalconnection it's probably going
(49:44):
to go to date five or six.
Who?
Speaker 1 (49:46):
pays on the first date he does.
Who pays on?
Speaker 2 (49:48):
the first date he does.
Speaker 1 (49:50):
Who pays on?
Speaker 2 (49:50):
the second date.
I think the woman should haveprobably asked for the second
date or suggested something forthe second date pay.
Oh, interesting, the one whoasked pays.
Speaker 1 (50:02):
I like that.
I like that.
That sounds fair.
So let's say that's somethingyou're like hey, yeah, I want to
find a partner, but also I'mreally into this kink right now,
or I want to explore that kink.
Do you put that in your profileand do you bring it up on the
first date, or do you wait toget down the line to bring that
(50:23):
up?
I would put it in your profile,I would not put it in my
profile.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
However, you know, if the first date's going really
well and the conversation doessegue into sex, you can be like
yeah, I'm a lot moreexperimental than I was in my
20s, right Boom, you just saidyou're a little more adventurous
in your sex life now.
Speaker 1 (50:47):
Right, because if you like the person and you get to
date three and then you find outthey're like I'm vanilla and
that's weird to me, then you'redone.
You're done Right.
You're like, hey, we can bebuddies, but we're not going to.
I'm not interested inmissionary for the rest of my
life with the same guy, right,yeah.
Or woman, right, like.
(51:08):
So if you're a guy and you'relike I need to get kinky, don't
wait till date five or thinkthat you can convince her to.
Speaker 2 (51:24):
Exactly, exactly, because I think a lot of us have
gotten a lot more experimentalin our 50s than we were in our
20s, because it was like itwasn't talked about as much, we
didn't really have as muchInternet, and missionary was
like kind of I don't know whatwe kind of came up with Right.
But yeah, I think we're a lotmore open to trying a lot of
different things.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
Absolutely All right.
That's good Politics.
Do you put your politicalaffiliation in your profile or
do you talk about it on thefirst date, or when do you talk
about it?
Speaker 2 (51:55):
I wouldn't put my political affiliation on my
profile.
There's always boxes on everysite or app that will just put
you in a box, whether it'slibertarian, republican,
democrat, conservative, whatever.
I'll give you the categories.
Check that off.
Don't go into a big like longthing about this way on social
issues, on this way on fiscalissues.
(52:17):
You know, talk about it on thefirst date.
I really think so, and unlessit's coming up as a topic I mean
right now we have so much goingon in the political world with
everything going on with tariffsand all that kind of stuff it
might be something that popsinto the conversation, but I'd
rather see you.
Two people that have differentideologies about politics can
(52:42):
also be the best matches evertoo, as long as they're both
open to listening to the otherperson's views.
So I don't think you have toput yourself in a box okay,
political debates on a firstdate, no religion.
Speaker 1 (53:03):
When do you talk about that first date in your
profile?
Speaker 2 (53:08):
You know, you mentioned it in your profile
we're not 25 and Jewish and I'vegot to marry somebody Jewish
because my parents will kill me.
If I don't right, we're 45 or50 and we're probably not going
to have kids then most likely.
So you know what Most peoplereally don't care.
Speaker 1 (53:28):
All right, here is.
I know this is going to this isgoing to sound out there, but
it's not.
It's very common In chattingprior to the first date dick
pics.
No, let's wait to see it inreal life.
That's awesome.
But on the opposite side ofthat, I know ladies get a little
spicy as we get older and we'relike some of us, lots of us.
(53:51):
I've actually talked to a lotof guys who have experienced
that.
Speaker 2 (53:53):
Yeah, after the first date, I'm OK with that.
Speaker 1 (53:57):
OK, ok, men, asking for photos that show a little
bit more before the first date.
Speaker 2 (54:08):
This is common.
Speaker 1 (54:11):
No, look at my photos online.
Love it.
All right.
This is kind of the finalquestion I'm going to ask you
before we give takeaways.
One of the biggest complaintsacross the internet and I think
there's some truth to it thatI've heard especially women
dating men in their 40s, 50s andbeyond is that there are lots
of men who come out of theirmarriages in their 40s 50s and
they get out there and theythink they want to date, or the
(54:33):
dream is to date a woman in her20s or early 30s.
I'd like to hear, from yourpoint of view, the reality about
that.
Speaker 2 (54:42):
Here's the reality.
I'm research-driven.
Stanford's been running a studyfor 25 years and men in their
fifties and sixties 80% of thempulled again ongoing survey want
to date women within five yearsof their age.
So 20% of them want to dateyounger.
(55:06):
Let them, who cares?
We've got the other 80%, sothat's the reality.
So to try to say it's like 80%of men want to date younger is
just not true.
Speaker 1 (55:18):
And I also think for women, like if you know, that's
what a guy wants to do and look,there is nothing wrong with our
younger counterparts.
I love women in their 20s and30s and I'm here to support them
.
I'm not here to compete withthem.
I find it gross that a50-year-old man thinks he's
compatible with a 20-year-oldwoman.
That's an ick for me, because Ialso have a daughter who's in
(55:40):
her 20s and the idea of a manthat age hitting it just makes
my skin crawl.
And that age hitting it justmakes my skin crawl.
As a woman, since I hit my 40sand as I've, like, aged through
(56:01):
that, I have had a huge influxof interest from younger men,
late 20s through their 30s, andfor me there's definitely like I
don't, I would never date a manin his 20s at this point in my
life and like I'm kind of likeupper in his 20s at this point
in my life and like I'm kind oflike upper 30s and beyond at
this point.
But have you seen that trend orheard of that trend yourself?
And what do you think aboutwomen in their 40s and 50s
dating?
I'm going to say I'm not goingto go into the 20s.
(56:21):
To me, Aziki, 30s and above.
Speaker 2 (56:25):
I think it's fine because I've seen a lot of that
in the last like five to sevenyears that a woman who's 60
dating men 45 and up.
They've taken good care ofthemselves, they look good, and
it's not because the man's aftertheir money or anything like
that it could work.
(56:47):
So I would tell a typical if Iwas working with like a 52 year
old woman, and she looks reallygreat for her age, et cetera, et
cetera, I would say, dating 42to 58, reasonable, absolutely
reasonable.
I mean, the only caveat therewould be like my lower range is
(57:07):
a little lower I'm not 52 yet,but yeah, the only caveat there
would be like my lower range isa little lower, I'm not 52 yet,
but yeah, the only caveat wouldbe if he wants kids and you
can't do that anymore, thenthat's going to be an issue.
Speaker 1 (57:17):
Yeah, in order to do it, but I want to be able to.
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm done with that.
All right, well, I think we'vecovered a lot of ground here,
you know?
All right, well, I think we'vecovered a lot of ground here.
You know your basics with yourprofile.
I gave you some real good do'sand don'ts with this quick
question and response.
I'd like you to sum this up,andrea Can you give my listeners
(57:40):
like right now, they're wantingto date, they're struggling.
Tell them what they can dotoday to start shifting their
success, both online and inperson, starting tonight or
tomorrow?
Speaker 2 (57:56):
Okay, I would say to start with some attitude
adjustment and positivity andthen also think about.
We all deal with rejection onsome level in every aspect of
our life.
So what I want you to do ismake a three-month commitment to
dating.
(58:17):
I don't care if it's meeting atthe grocery store, doing
meetups, doing apps, doing sites, hiring a high-end matchmaker,
I don't care what it is, butyou're going to give it three
months and you're going to bedogged and persistent through
the whole process and you're notgoing to give up.
(58:39):
There's going to be highs andlows, but you're going to give
it three months.
My bet is that probablysomewhere between 80 to 85
percent of you will meetsomebody I love that and you
have a book that can inspirethem hi, it's my baby second,
(59:02):
it's second acts winningstrategies for dating over 50.
What I like about it it's nofluff, it's very strategic, it's
very business-like.
There's a lot of worksheets inthere and there's also QR codes
to help me where I help youthrough these worksheets.
But the other thing I like isit concludes with you writing a
(59:24):
business plan for your personallife, and people are like huh,
that doesn't sound romantic.
Well, no, it's not.
But you know what it'slegitimate?
It's like let's have a plan ofaction and a strategy of where
we're going here and how we'regoing to do it, and I think we
all feel better when we have aplan in place.
(59:45):
So it's 166 tips.
Like I said, they're not fluff.
There are things you could dotoday and start immediately with
.
And it's kind of been inside mefor like, I think, 25 years,
and the book just came outJanuary of 2025.
Speaker 1 (01:00:04):
How exciting Guys.
Go get the book, Write thebusiness plan.
It sounds like this is a greatpath for defining partnership,
whatever kind of partnership youenvision for yourself in the
future.
You've got one life.
Let's not waste it on bad dates, right?
Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
Or being alone.
No, there's no reason or beingalone.
Speaker 1 (01:00:30):
No, there's no reason Right, 100%, so can you tell my
listeners, everywhere they canfind you Because you are also a
matchmaker, so you can get thebook, but also she can help you
find love.
Speaker 2 (01:00:38):
I can help you find love and I'm really great at
finding love online where youmight be like, oh, I don't want
to do this and I'll be like,that's okay, I'm your
cheerleader, I'm going to helpyou, I'm very direct, I'm
graciously direct and I'll havea strategy for you.
(01:00:59):
So you can find me at33,000datescom and that's
33000datescom, and you can buymy book anywhere.
It's Second Amps WinningStrategies forating number 50,
amazon has it, barnes, noble,everyone has it, but you can
also find it on my website.
Oh, and the other thing I woulddo I would take.
I've got a fun dating quiz onmy website.
Take it, because it'll show youhow you stack up and compare to
(01:01:24):
other people your age that aredating and it might give you
some clues and things you knowyou're doing really well and
maybe some things you know thatyou need to work on a little bit
too.
Speaker 1 (01:01:34):
All right, guys, you don't have to be alone in this
journey.
You've got a woman here who hashad so much success at helping
people find love.
So if this is something that isimportant to you moving forward
from this point on in your life, go and find a cheerleader
who's going to help you get whatyou want, and you know where to
(01:01:56):
find Andrea.
As for sex and intimacy, youguys know I'm out here and I am
coaching and my books are open.
If you want a cheerleader whenit comes to having more orgasms,
I'm your girl.
I'm here for you.
My books are open.
You can find out more aboutthat at TalkSexWithAnettecom.
But until next time, I wish youall well on this journey and
(01:02:18):
I'm here for you every week tohelp you move forward.
Thank you so much, andrea, forjoining me and giving these
fantastic strategies to mylistenership.
I appreciate you.
It's my pleasure.
So, wishful eye, and to mylisteners, I will see you in the
locker room.
Cheers.
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