Episode Transcript
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Kristen (00:01):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back.
I am so excited about today'sepisode.
We have Kelly with us.
Kelly is my friend andsister-in-law, and today we're
gonna be talking about some veryexciting things that I think are
probably need to talk aboutmore, honestly.
So Kelly, before we start, doyou wanna give a quick intro of
(00:23):
who you're
Kelly (00:26):
Yeah.
So I am Kelly and living inMaine which was not always my
dream, it was my husband's, butnow that we're here, I love it
and I would not change it.
We love that we can be at theocean in the mountains or down
in the city all within a coupleof hours, so that's really
great.
I work full time from home.
I homeschool my son and myhusband and I have been married
(00:49):
for just over 10 years now.
Kristen's brother can figurethat out.
Yeah.
Kristen (00:56):
Yeah, that's me in a
nutshell.
I love it.
So today the topic could reallygo anyway, but I think what we
wanted to cover is slowing down,having personal boundaries, just
taking our time and just how welive life.
So I think it's importantbecause there's so many societal
(01:18):
pressures that are put on usboth in media, social media, and
just people we know withpressures of what we should be
doing or how we should beliving, or what things we should
be doing, and just a whole lotof stuff.
And that, we acknowledge thateverybody's experience is
different.
We're just sharing ourperspective on how things like
this have affected us.
(01:38):
So what do you think, Kelly?
Kelly (01:42):
Yeah, let's dive into it.
All right.
So where do you wanna start?
The topic of slowing down.
It's funny that this kind ofcame up as an episode because as
we were ending 2024 I'm notsomeone who likes to set
resolutions necessarily.
I used to be, I used to like,just again, societal pressure,
(02:05):
right?
Yeah.
Kristen (02:05):
I do goals instead.
Like I, I skip resolutions and Ijust set goals.
What am I, what do I want toaccomplish this year?
I'm a goal setter.
Kelly (02:14):
Yeah.
And so I've gotten more that waytoo over the last several years.
But this year in particular aswe were getting ready to head
into January, I didn't, I just,not that I didn't care, it's not
that I don't have goals, but Iwas like, I just really need to
revamp life right now.
(02:37):
Oh.
Because.
The end of 2024, I was veryburnt out.
Mentally and I just came to aplace where I was like, I've
gotta slow down.
And I honestly, yes, physicallyand just in the, what we're
putting on our schedule, butmore so for me it was the need
(03:01):
to mentally slow down.
Yes.
And there's a lot, I have a lotof thoughts on that and what
that meant for me.
But yeah, dive right into that.
Kristen (03:11):
All right, go for it
then.
Tell us, do you wanna give alittle background of how you
were so burnout or how you cameto where you are now?
Kelly (03:19):
Yeah.
Like I said at the beginning, Iwork full-time remotely.
I homeschool my son, he playsmultiple youth rec sports
throughout the year.
And just other activities andmaintaining friendships and all
of our family is far away andthere, there's just a lot of
things to maintain.
(03:40):
But for me, and this probablyplays into the fact that I work
remotely.
It may be different if I werestill working in an office
setting which I haven't done forseveral years now.
But I just found that every dayI was jumping up and really,
(04:02):
especially during the schoolyear, I know homeschool people
do their things differently.
Some go year round.
We do a traditional school yearand take a full summer break.
So during the school months, Ihave found that I would wake up
in the morning and immediatelyjust immediately be tense
(04:27):
because my brain wouldimmediately start rolling into,
I've gotta jump up, I've gottaget ready, I've gotta give Ethan
breakfast.
We've gotta run into the schoolroom and get through school.
And all because I had thismindset of I gotta get clocked
in.
Yeah.
I have to do this, and this,because I need to get clocked in
now.
I'll preface this by saying myschedule is flexible.
(04:49):
I do not work set hours.
Thank goodness.
It's a schedule of, as long as Iget my 40 sometimes more hours
and for the week, it doesn'tnecessarily matter when, but to
an extent it does.
I have to obviously be availableto respond to emails and things
from clients and people who areworking regular hours in the
(05:12):
office, but I put a pressure onmyself to feel like as soon as
my day started, I needed toimmediately be available to
everyone.
Yeah.
And so my day was just startingin a frenzy.
I was choking down breakfast andjust, and then I found, and this
(05:32):
is terrible, but I found that Iwas like really?
Losing my patience during schooltime because in my head I'm
like, oh my gosh.
Like I just need to go getclocked in.
Let's hurry up.
You know how to do this, get itdone.
Yeah.
And and then again, I felt thisneed to get through my hours for
(05:55):
the work week.
And what I mean by that is Ifelt like I needed to end my
week earlier than five o'clockon a Friday.
Because I just felt oh, I shouldspend like Friday afternoon
doing like a field trip orsomething fun with Ethan and and
so I put this pressure on myselfto let's just work really long
(06:16):
days.
And so I did that for a longtime.
About a year and a half.
I, that's how I was spending myweeks.
And so I would, like I said,jump up in the morning, rush
through the morning routine.
We would do school.
And then he has independentthings that he works on after my
portion is done.
And then I was rushing into workand I would clock out long
(06:38):
enough to cook dinner, or if myhusband was cooking, I'd clock
out long enough just to eat it.
And then I was clocking back inand working until late at night.
Oh my goodness.
And no.
Time for myself throughout myweek, all for the sake of having
(06:59):
an earlier day on Friday.
And looking back, that justseems so silly.
I'm like, why am I making myselfhave four miserable days for the
sake of having one goodafternoon?
And so I had to reevaluate justhow I was running our entire
routine.
And so it, it has taken somepractice but we're two months
(07:22):
into it now, and I have justreally forced myself to just
slow down, especially mentally.
I had to, put some practicalthings in place to where I was
not waking up and immediatelylooking at my emails for work on
my phone.
Yeah.
Because that was a thing whichimmediately made me feel more
(07:43):
pressured to like, hurry up andget caught.
Yes.
And so I had to just lay somerules for myself and it takes
practice to follow them.
But once you get into some goodhabits you will see that it is
just so much better and yourmental load goes down.
Not that, I haven't takenanything off of my plate in the
(08:06):
last two months.
I'm still doing all the things,but I'm just doing them in a way
that is.
Not so stressful.
Not putting so much pressure onmyself, understanding like that
email will be there when I getto it.
And most of my work emails arenot things that require
(08:27):
immediate reten attention, butfor whatever reason, I made
myself feel like I needed toimmediately reply or just
immediately take care of things.
And that's really not the case.
And
Kristen (08:38):
that's the thing.
It's so much self-imposedpressure and I don't, I'm saying
it's ourselves'cause we're doingit, but obviously there's a
reason we're doing it.
And I would venture to say it'sthose societal pressures, it's
be a good worker.
To be a good worker, you'vegotta be responsive.
You've gotta do all the things.
You've gotta be ready, you'vegotta be available.
Be a good mom.
Yeah.
To be a good mom.
(08:59):
That means you also need to bealways available and do all the
things and do fun things withthem too.
And make sure you're present andmake sure you're doing
everything with them and makesure they know that you care.
And then also be a good wife.
And that means do everything foryour husband.
Make sure he's taking care of,make sure he knows you love him.
If he wants you to do something,you have to do it.
Make sure you're there foreverybody.
And then if your friends needstuff, do stuff for your
(09:19):
friends.
Be there for them.
Be always present, beeverything.
And you do all these things foreverybody else because you think
it's what you're supposed to doand you lose yourself.
Skin it completely till all of asudden you are so broken.
Like you were saying, it's amental burnout, mental and
emotional and physical.
And you're like, what of this amI doing for myself?
And you try to justify, you'relike I'm doing it so that I'm a
(09:41):
good mom and a good wife, and agood worker, and a good friend
and a good person, and I'm doingthis so that they will like me
so that they will appreciate meso that I am needed and I'm
important, whatever the reasonis.
But we lose ourselves in all ofit, and it's so hard to then
find yourself and come back.
Kelly (10:00):
Yeah.
And that was really the breakingpoint for me at the end of the
year.
I took, I had some, vacationtime that was not gonna roll
over into the new year.
And so I took a few days offaround Christmas and those five
days just really helped me andthe timing of course, as we were
heading into the new year.
And just reflecting on 2024,helped me to be like, okay.
(10:24):
These last few days were exactlywhat I needed.
I, we didn't do anything for theholidays.
We didn't go out of town.
We didn't have family in town.
And it was so nice
Kristen (10:35):
refreshing because
Kelly (10:37):
we, yeah.
Yeah.
And apart from just the day today, we had a really crazy year
last year.
Our schedule was so full, we,every single month, except for
January and July, we eithertraveled out of town or we had
company come into town and staywith us.
And so it just was a lot.
And so I had a breaking pointand I finally I had to just
(11:00):
kinda, I was in bed one nightthinking about my day and I was
like, I'm doing all of thesethings, like trying, I.
To be a better employee and abetter mom and a better wife.
But I, when I stopped and reallythought about it, I was like,
I'm actually not being a goodmom right now, not being a good
(11:22):
wife, because let me tell you, Iwas moody.
Oh, yeah.
And it took I didn't realize itat first, you go through like a
season where you're just, andyou blame everything else.
But then I had to stop and I'mlike, oh, wait, this is me.
I am not a nice person rightnow.
I'm not being like, I'm, I wassnapping.
(11:44):
Yeah.
I was snapping at my son, I wassnapping at my husband
frustrated with myself fordifferent things.
And that, that was when Irealized okay, I've gotta, I've
gotta make some changes becausein my.
Chaotic chase to be better.
(12:06):
I'm actually being a terribleversion Yes.
Of myself, for my family, and Iam not showing up for them with
grace and patience.
And that's just really hard todo when you start your day in a
mental frenzy.
And you stay on that level allday long and you just go one day
(12:30):
after another like that.
Kristen (12:31):
So what does slowing
down mean to you?
Kelly (12:37):
Just some practical
things that I've put into play
is I've started my days earlier,which like may sound kind of
counterintuitive to slowingdown, but because in my head I'm
like, oh, let me slow down.
Like I'll just sleep in No.
We still all have, a lot ofresponsibilities to get through
(12:58):
in a day and just a lot of lifeto take care of.
And so for me, that looked likegetting up earlier.
And I'm not a morning person.
Me neither at all.
Kristen (13:08):
That sounds terrible.
I'm gonna listen to your ideabar right now.
I'm like, Ugh, I don't wanna dothat, but continue.
Let me see how it works.
Kelly (13:15):
Yeah.
And when I first told myselfthat.
I'm like, I need to get upearlier.
So that I'm not feeling the needto rush through breakfast or not
even eating anything.
I just need to start a littleearlier.
And so for me what that haslooked like, and it was really
hard the first several days, butI've really come to enjoy it and
(13:40):
love it.
And the past week it didn't playout that way'cause I was
fighting off some sickness andso I did let myself sleep in.
A lot of days, but what my whatI found is working for me is
getting up earlier and notcrazy.
I'm never gonna be the personwho wakes up at 4:00 AM to Yeah.
Kristen (13:56):
And then runs three
miles and you're like, yeah, I'm
ready to start my day.
No, thank
Kelly (14:00):
you.
That sounds like a run day.
I know.
And it'll never be my reality.
But I am waking up earlier andmaking a point to not look at my
phone.
Yes.
That's a huge one.
And the mental slowdown.
Okay.
Because whether it was.
Reaching for my phone andlooking at work emails or not
(14:21):
being ready to climb out of bed.
And so you end up on a socialmedia app, right?
Yeah.
And you start scrolling.
And so that immediately setsyour mind Yes.
Into just mental frenzy.
And we don't even realize it, wedon't realize what that just
scrolling does to our brains.
It because it is just taking usfrom one, one thing to another.
(14:43):
And your brain is having to doso much, so many like mental
gymnastics.
Yes.
You don't even realize itbecause we just do it like
zombies, right?
It's scary.
But that was a big one for me.
And that can be a hard habit tobreak.
And so something I did was Itook my social media apps off of
my phone and I only have them onmy iPad now.
(15:04):
Really?
And yes.
And that has been a beautifulthing.
It's sometimes like a pain.
'cause if I do want to postsomething, then I have to text
it to my iPad and then save aphoto.
But I'm not posting a ton onsocial media like I used to.
Anyways, so it's really not abig deal.
But that was just one practicalthing I did is I took social
(15:25):
media off my phone because I,I'm not carrying my iPad around
with me.
I don't carry it with me to thestore or wherever I go.
It's at home and so it's nicebeing able to get out and not
even have access to that.
Kristen (15:39):
Yeah.
So it removes the temptationaltogether.
Kelly (15:42):
Exactly.
Yeah.
And so that was one practicalthing.
I do still have my work emailson my phone because sometimes I
just really need thatconvenience.
But so starting my day without.
Jumping into mental gymnasticswas a huge thing for me.
And then just setting up aroutine, like what makes you
feel good to start your day?
(16:04):
And for me, that is getting upand doing my skincare routine.
Ooh.
And getting ready.
And now I work from home.
So like I'm not over hereputting on, dress pants or even
Yeah.
Kristen (16:16):
And a whole glam face.
You're like, let me put on myfake lashes now for my zoom
call.
Kelly (16:22):
And my company, we rarely
use our cameras for our
meetings.
Which is a beautiful thing, so Ijust don't feel the need to
like.
Overdo it, but for me it meansnot staying in my pajamas all
day.
Because that makes me feel veryunproductive and just like
sleepy and lazy.
So I do get up and I change outof whatever I slept in usually
(16:43):
at a sweatpants and a t-shirt ora sweatshirt Yeah.
Or whatever.
But that's me getting ready, andso then I have made it a point
to eat something.
I will not drink my coffee untilI've gotten something on my
stomach.
Wow.
Which is actually a good thingfor your hormones.
Drinking caffeine on an emptystomach is terrible for
(17:03):
hormones.
I've learned.
But that's a different topic.
Kristen (17:06):
That is, I would
definitely wanna dive into that
one sometime.
Maybe that's my problem.
So continue.
Yeah.
And
Kelly (17:12):
I did it for years but I
make a point now to eat and I
make breakfast for my son andthen instead of.
Being like, hurry up and eat sowe can go start school.
I've made it a point to justcome down to my office and in my
office I have this cozy likereading chair and a little table
and lamp.
And so I will sit down with mycoffee and read my Bible and
(17:36):
drink my coffee and just have,it not, I'm not spending an hour
doing this.
'cause that's not practical formy morning, but I'm just taking
that time to just be still.
And it, like I said, it wasn'teasy to do at first because I
would rather just sleep in.
But when I realized the impactit was having on the rest of my
(17:57):
day of just not starting themorning out in a mental frenzy.
It is so worth it, and it'sbecome one of my favorite
things.
And then another thing that I'vehad to implement is just
developing some I, I don't evenreally wanna say routines for
the household, because routinesI think can be rigid.
(18:22):
Yeah.
And I don't do rigid I'm very gowith the flow with certain
things.
But I would say rhythms.
I've tried to develop somerhythms just meaning these
things aren't happening at thesame time every day, or
necessarily even the same dayevery week, but making just some
simple rhythms and habits aroundthe household.
(18:45):
Like when I wake up, throw in aload of laundry so that it's
going, and at whatever point ofmy day I can come up and move it
to the dryer.
I know like working outside thehome, that's gonna look
different for people.
But I found for us, if I canimplement just staying on top of
some of the household choresthroughout the week even on top
(19:09):
of just the work schedules andthings, it makes the weekend
more enjoyable.
Because I was finding that Iwasn't doing anything productive
around the house during theweek, and then the weekend would
come and I would just have thislike mental frenzy of needing to
like, reset everything, yes.
And do cleaning and so I spend,a whole weekend day doing all of
(19:31):
that.
And then it's oh, I've got oneday left, and then we're back
into it again.
Yes.
And so if you can find justsome, and like I said, it's
gonna look different foreveryone whether you're working
outside the home or you're I.
Working from home, or maybeyou're a stay at home mom or
whatever the case may be.
Everyone's situation is going tolook different.
But if you can develop somesimple rhythms around the house
(19:56):
that you can spread outthroughout the week so that it
doesn't feel like you're havingso much piled on you at one time
it, it makes the weekend more
Kristen (20:05):
enjoyable.
Yeah.
And I think the morning thingyou bring up and having the
morning routines and startingearlier is huge.
Somebody recently told me and hewas like, mornings are your
time.
He said, once you get to workit, how do you say?
He was like, do what you wannado in the morning before you get
to work, because then whateverhappens at work, you don't know
what's gonna happen there.
You can't control that, but atleast you started your day doing
(20:28):
something you enjoy.
Whether that's working out orreading a little bit or doing
something like you've alreadydone something for you that has
prepared you and got you in thatmindset.
And I don't know that I'm quitethere.
Like I'm, again, I'm also notthe person getting up at four or
five in the morning to do aworkout.
Wish I could be that person.
That's not who I am, and that'sokay.
(20:49):
But I am the person who, I'llget up and get ready for work.
And then I have a pretty lengthycommute, so I'll listen to an
audiobook or a podcast andthat's my time.
So at least I'm preparingmyself.
And if I know it's gonna be aharder day, I've got some
playlist of like my, uplifting,pump me up kind of music.
And sometimes I'll listen tothat.
So I do have some of that timein the morning.
(21:10):
For me, and I love that youbrought up the weekends because
I felt our lives were just,everything was so packed.
It's okay, work, come home, takethe kid to dance, work, come
home, take the kid tobasketball, work, come home, and
and it's every day there wassomething else.
And then weekends, it was thesame thing.
Okay, now we've got basketballgames, now we've got soccer
games.
Now we've got it was just go.
What I found for me is sometimesslowing down.
(21:30):
I love how you're like, oh, juststaying in my pajamas makes me
just feel lazy.
That's what I found has helpedme a little bit actually,
because the weekends, even afterwhatever activity du jour we had
on Saturday, then it's like, allright, let's go do this.
Let's run errands, let's dothis.
It was just like nonstop, likewe'd be gone forever and I felt
like I had no time.
(21:51):
So now, and this isn't everyweekend, but there are some
times where I'll get up earlierthan my husband, my son.
I'll take the puppy out andshe'll do her thing and then I
will just get on the couch andwe'll turn on.
During Christmas time, it was aHallmark movie.
We would watch a Hallmark movieevery Saturday.
Or Sunday, whichever day I woulddo it or just watch something.
So it's just me time and I amjust still in whatever.
(22:13):
I slept in on the couch and Iwill be there.
I don't wanna say all day'causeit is not all day, but it was
almost like the reset I needed.
They've talked about rottinglike you just, I.
Gen Z comes up with all thesefun things, right?
But rotting is basically justlike laying around, not getting
dressed, not doing anything.
Just literally rotting in yourown self, right?
(22:34):
Yeah.
But I have found that hasactually helped me, not all the
time, let's not get crazy.
I'm not like some super lazyperson now, but that's, that was
my way of slowing down insteadof being busy doing, going.
And then I was like, I wouldplan all these social things.
So like every weekend, likewe've got all the family stuff
and then I'm going out withthese friends and then I'm doing
this.
And it was so much, and I feltlike I had to do all those
(22:56):
things.
Like I said earlier, be the goodfriend, be the good wife, be the
good mom.
Do all the things for all thepeople, and to take that time
and just sit with me.
Was so enjoyable.
And then in the evenings too Iwas trying to read a little bit
every night, even if it was justa chapter,'cause I would get
tired.
I have fallen asleep and I'vehad my Kindle fall on my face
(23:17):
because I fall asleep while I'mreading.
But that was me time too.
And so it helped me settle mymind, like even if it has been
racing through the day with workand family stuff and house stuff
and whatever else, being able totake that time in the evening
and settle down and lose myselfin some other world because it's
usually some, rom-com book I'mreading so I can lose myself
(23:40):
somewhere else.
That was a way for me to slowdown also and to make the time
for myself and be intentionalabout it.
Kelly (23:49):
Yeah, definitely.
And I've done the same like Iwas, I said before I was
spending Monday throughThursday, I.
Committed to something.
Whether I was working until Iwent to sleep or we had sports
practice, and then a lot oftimes we were getting home from
that.
And once my son went to bed,then I was usually jumping back
(24:11):
into work and I would, I feltbad.
And so I felt I need to spendtime with my husband.
Obviously.
And so I would just bring mylaptop upstairs and work on the
couch while he watched a show,because I'm like we're like,
we're together.
Yeah.
We're present.
We're at the same place spendingtime together.
But I was just still like inanother world and mentally just
(24:32):
still going with my day.
Yeah.
And so since I have set thoseboundaries and been like, having
one good Friday afternoon is notworth this chaos for the week.
I have made it a point to.
I'm not working at night.
Now, there have been some timeswhere I had something I really
needed to get done, and I have,but for the most part this year,
(24:53):
so far I'm not.
And so instead I'm spending myevenings doing something.
We, a lot of times after dinnernow, we will play a game.
Yep.
Whether that's a board game orMario Kart.
My son wants to play and thenhim to switch.
And we'll, we might jump on anddo something like that, or maybe
we're just sitting and reading abook together.
(25:14):
Because my son's really gettinginto chapter books, and so we'll
do that sometimes before bed.
But then after he goes to bed,my husband and I, we do we have,
all of our shows, right?
There's a whole list of ourshows that we're keeping up
with.
And so usually we will spend alittle time doing that.
But sometimes when we'rewatching the show, I have found
(25:34):
a new little hobby for myselfthat I can do and still be very
present with him.
And that is, have you seen likethe bold, easy, stress-free
coloring books?
Kristen (25:44):
I know what coloring
books are, but I don't know the
specific one you're talkingabout.
So
Kelly (25:48):
like bold and easy
coloring books.
There's a whole bunch of them onAmazon.
Okay.
And so I found that I likesitting and coloring with my
markers while we watch a show.
I love that.
And I do it every night.
Love.
It's just something fun and it'sit doesn't require any mental
stimulation.
It's way more peaceful thanscrolling social media.
(26:10):
Yes.
It's also
Kristen (26:11):
I feel like.
Go ahead.
No, I was gonna say and it'sgiving you something to do with
your hands.
'cause I found like when I'mcrafty or I'm doing something
with my hands like that, itcalms me down.
There was one time I was in ameeting for work and it was a
video call and I was veryfrazzled.
The day had been just chaos.
And I had these stickers, Istrawberry shortcake sticker pad
(26:32):
at my desk.
And I had these little likeheart doily things that I was
gonna hang up around my officefor Valentine's Day.
And I was like, oh.
Let me use these stickers andput little, scenes on these
hearts and they'll be evencuter.
I'm still present in themeeting, I'm still contributing
to the meeting, but with myhands and my mind, I'm being
crafty and I found that thatreally calmed me down.
There's definitely somethingabout, I don't know, the science
(26:54):
behind it, so you know, don'tlike fact check me too hard on
this one, but like I reallythink there's something to it
when then your hands areinvolved in that creative aspect
of your brain is triggered thatit can let off some of the
stress.
Again, not a scientist here or adoctor.
Yeah, just it makes sense in myexperience.
Kelly (27:13):
Yeah, definitely.
And like I said, it's much morerelaxing than scrolling socials
and it also allows you to bemore present.
Because you can do simple littlethings like that to unwind, but
still be very capable ofcarrying on conversation.
Yes.
Whereas before, when I wouldjust sit and either be working
or scrolling social media while,quote unquote spending time with
(27:35):
my husband.
You're not really having likeconversations with that.
'cause your brain is elsewhere.
Yeah.
You're like,
Kristen (27:40):
yeah, Uhhuh.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
That's cool.
Uhhuh.
Kelly (27:42):
And then you're like,
wait, what did you say?
Yeah, exactly.
Kristen (27:46):
So Kelly, what are some
of the misconceptions about
being busy versus beingfulfilled?
Kelly (27:56):
Oh, so this is one that.
I feel like we had to findbalance with after moving.
Because where we lived beforewe, as far as the social life
went, we didn't really have one.
Other than just seeing ourfamily.
And my husband worked a lot backthen.
Yeah.
You did.
Sometimes seven days a week.
And that was busy in a differentway.
(28:17):
But when we moved and we reallyfound community here where we're
living now.
And so I think partly because wehad never really had that in our
marriage prior where we justdidn't have friends to be like,
Hey, come over.
And so when we did find that, wetook it to the extreme and felt
(28:39):
like we need to always be likedoing things with people.
And so we kind lived that wayfor the first i, a year and a
half I would say.
Where it was like every Fridaynight.
Yeah.
We were having someone over orjust because like we now live in
(29:00):
a beautiful state with so manythings to explore and adventure.
We not really in the winter.
No.
All of the other months of theyear, which, we're only like six
because we, it's a winter allthe time.
But no, we were spending likeevery weekend being like, oh,
like we wanna go check out thisplace.
(29:21):
And we wanna go here and wewanna take our son there'cause
he is never seen it or, and soit was very easy to get caught
up in all of the things we coulddo.
And I had to realize justbecause we could doesn't mean we
should.
Yes.
It doesn't mean you have to.
Yeah.
And yes, it's awesome to havefriends that can just come over
(29:43):
for dinner or a game night orwhatever, and we should do those
things.
We should take time to spendwith those people, but we also
need to make space for just yourfamily and just ourselves.
And so we had to slow it down abit and stop trying to fill our
(30:04):
calendar so much because, yes,it's fun for a while, but then
you really just start to getburnout
Kristen (30:10):
and Yeah, it becomes
exhausting.
That's the word I was gonna usetoo.
It's, and that's why I thinklike being busy is definitely
not the same as being fulfilledbecause you can be doing all
these things and maybe you aregetting some things out of them,
but when you are having yourcalendar stacked that much and
your time being stretched sothin.
It's more like you're losingpart of yourself.
(30:32):
And like I said, the exhaustionis the only word I can think of.
Like mentally and emotionally,and even physically in some
aspects.
You're just done.
And that's what you know tobring up social media.
Again, there's so many people Isee on there and they're like,
oh, they're doing this, they'redoing that.
And then I start to look atmyself and I'm like, should I be
doing more?
Like we're just staying at homewatching tv.
(30:53):
Am I supposed to be taking myson to all these cool places so
he can experience all thesethings?
And it's like he doesn't want tothough.
That's not gonna fulfill him.
And so I just feel like we'refed this story, whether by media
or social media, that you needto be doing all these things and
you need to be going all theseplaces and you need to be doing
all the things all the time.
(31:14):
And it's just, it's not afulfilling life.
That's, it's more, I dunno whatthe opposite is fulfilling is
it's an emptying life.
You're not being filled, you'rebeing emptied because of all
that you're having to give.
And just the go go, yeah.
Is just, ugh, I'm gettingexhausted just thinking about
it.
Yeah.
Kelly (31:32):
Yeah.
And I found for us, when we werekeeping our calendars so full
and had just all of these thingsgoing on like you said, it, that
does not equate with beingfulfilled.
And it really is true because wewere me especially, I can't
speak for my husband.
I, but I know that he definitelyhad points where he was like,
(31:52):
okay, like we've been doing somuch.
We, at that point you get to aspace just mentally and also
physically where you can't showup well for each other.
And so in those, probably fewand far between moments in those
like times of busyness, you'renot actually showing up for each
(32:16):
other in the way that youshould.
'cause we would get to the endof our day, or if we happened to
have a weekend where we didn'thave something planned for both
days.
Because we spent months wherelike both of our calendar, both
of our weekend days, had rightitems on the calendar.
And we, then when we would getto a place where it was like,
oh, we don't have anything todo.
We were just so like mentallyand ex, like physically drained
(32:39):
that.
You're not even I didn't evenwanna sit and play a game with
our son.
I'm like, no, I literally justwanna sit and rot.
Yes.
I don't wanna do anythingbecause I'm not allowing myself
to have regular times ofnothingness.
Kristen (32:53):
And I also think
there's so much pressure for it
too, and I don't know if youexperience the same'cause you're
not working in the office.
I know like when it comes toFriday, people will be like, oh,
so what are you doing thisweekend or Monday?
The small talk is oh, so whatdid you do over the weekend?
And you feel like you'resupposed to have these things
like, oh, I did this and this,or I'm going to do this and
that.
And it you feel like an idiot.
(33:14):
You're like, oh really?
I don't have a anything planned.
Or on Monday you're like, yeah,we didn't really do a whole lot.
You feel bad about that.
Like people are like, oh, youmust have a really dumb life if
you're not busy.
But it's again, the busy,fulfilled thing.
Sometimes doing nothing or justhanging out around the house.
Like you said, game nights.
We've been talking about havinga movie night.
I keep telling my son, we'regonna watch Sonic three.
(33:35):
We were finally gonna do ittonight.
And he's no, mom, I wanna watchthe Thunder game.
We're really, we're a basketballfamily right now too but still
that's, yeah, but that's notsomething, you don't go to work
on Monday, you're like, yeah wewatched the Oklahoma City
Thunder basketball game.
'cause unless somebody elsecares about that, nobody's gonna
care.
That's what you did.
But for us, that's what we enjoydoing together as a family.
Yeah.
(33:55):
So why is it hard to setboundaries with friends and
family?
How do you say no to things orwhen you're trying to keep your
calendar, you said you guys weredoing a whole lot with people
for a while.
How can you get away from thatand build some of those
boundaries in?
Kelly (34:12):
For one, I think you have
to, if what you're used to is
just chaos constant go.
You have to and it's gonna be alittle uncomfortable at first,
but you have to be willing tohave blank spaces.
Yeah.
And it understand that likeblank spaces on your calendar
(34:36):
or.
Moments of just nothingnessmentally.
It doesn't mean that you're lazyor it doesn't mean that you're
not, like you said, living afulfilled life or taking
advantage of fun opportunities.
But there has to be balance.
And it, I think sometimes if,you've got friends or family who
(35:00):
are constantly wanting to dothings or whatever it might take
a, an uncomfortable conversationof Hey, I love you, but we just,
we really need some time.
We're not gonna be there thisweekend because we've just been
go and we're tired and we reallyjust need some downtime as a
family.
And so being able to just stay.
(35:22):
Learning to say no, which it'snot easy and I struggle with
that for sure.
But, and something that,
Kristen (35:28):
and something I had a
hard time with saying no to
things is because I'm the kindof person, like I wanna be
invited, even if I don't wannago to your thing I wanna be
included.
I wanna be invited.
So for me, when somebody wouldinvite me to something and even
if I could go and I just didn'twant to, or if I couldn't go, I
felt like I always had to givean excuse like, oh no, I can't
(35:48):
because I have whatever.
I felt like that obligation thatI had to explain myself, and as
I've gotten older and haveexplored this more, I realized
that, what they say no is acomplete sentence.
So I have tried to be more, oh,thank you so much for including
me.
Unfortunately, I won't be ableto make it this time, or, oh,
(36:08):
thank you for thinking of me.
I appreciate the invitation, butI can't make it, I don't need to
tell them why it's not anybody'sbusiness, why I can't.
Won't, don't want to.
Still being kind about it bysaying, thank you, no thank you,
kind of thing.
And that's something that I'vebeen able to, it's still hard.
Like even, when I send a textand I send that, I'm like, oh my
gosh, they're gonna hate me.
(36:29):
They're gonna be mad at me.
They're gonna ask me why theydon't.
It's cool because nobody elsecares about the level that you
think they care about it's justgetting, it's being able to
become more comfortable withyour responses to other people.
Kelly (36:44):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I also, I know for me, likeI, we would get invited to
something and if we didn't haveanother obligation In my head,
I'm like, oh, that means we haveto go.
I don't have an ex, I don't havean excuse not to uhhuh, so that
means we need to go to thisbirthday party, or this or that.
(37:04):
And that's really just notreality and it's not a healthy
mindset to live with.
Sure.
There are some things that likeyeah, you probably should show
up for.
But it's okay to not have a,quote unquote reason to not go
to something other than just thefact that you just want to stay
(37:26):
home.
Kristen (37:26):
Not wanting to go to a
thing is a perfectly good reason
for not going to that thing.
Kelly (37:33):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's a hard place to getto in your own mind.
It was for me, but gettingbetter at it.
Kristen (37:39):
Yeah.
So what other boundaries do weneed?
Do you have you ever struggledwith people asking other things
and maybe they're overstepping,whether it's inviting you to
event or asking you something?
Have you found other ways todeal with personal boundaries?
Kelly (37:58):
Yeah.
So one thing that comes to mindis for us after moving far away
from family, is that I foundthat I felt like I always needed
to be available by phone.
Kristen (38:16):
Oh.
To talk.
Yeah.
Kelly (38:17):
At any given time or
whatever.
My family is a big FaceTimefamily.
We hardly just make a normalphone call to each other.
Usually we're FaceTiming andthat's how we carry on our
conversations.
Which is fine, but, it canbecome very excessive,
(38:38):
especially when you are the onlyone in the family that has a
kid, right?
And so every, everyone just likenavigates to that.
Like they all wanna just talk tohim and they miss him, and I
fully understand that.
But he, and this is somethingthat just recently I had to
bring up and it's not always afun conversation to have to set
(39:00):
boundaries with family or withfriends.
But I had to have a conversationand just say Hey, I can't always
be available to answer thephone.
And if I don't answer the phone,I don't need texts saying, why
aren't you answering your phone?
Where are you?
(39:21):
And and so I, I just had to haveone of those conversations and I
think.
It's sometimes we're afraid toset those boundaries because we
feel rude or we feel like, we,the last thing you wanna do is
hurt a family member or afriend's feelings.
Yeah.
But I think there is a way tojust say, Hey I don't have to be
(39:44):
available right now.
And I can't always answerbecause sometimes we're
literally like just sitting downfor dinner.
Or this is our family timebecause, my husband's at work
all day and so when he gets homein the evening for those few
hours, like I don't want my sonto be like off in another room
(40:05):
FaceTiming because that's histime to spend with daddy.
Or, and sometimes we do have tojust say the hard things.
But, say it in a way that like.
Just explain it and that'scounterintuitive to what you
just said about not needing togive people reasons for
everything, but I think thereare cases where, and those like
close family and friendrelationships where sometimes
(40:27):
you do just have to explain alittle bit of the why.
Kristen (40:30):
Oh yeah.
For that, I think Totally.
I was saying more like if afriend invites me to, a party,
and I'm not gonna go, I don'tneed to give an elaborate, but I
think you're exactly rightbecause I think having those
boundaries around your time ishuge and something I've done
without having conversations.
But the different focus settingson your phone, like I've got one
where I can put it into a focussetting and it'll only let kinda
(40:53):
like a me like basically.
You and Jeff can call me, momand dad can call me.
Like family can get through, butnobody else can so that I'm not
distracted by text or calls fromanyone, because otherwise I am
like, even if we're havingfamily time, but I get a text
from a friend, I'm like, oh,what's say whereas putting my
phone using that as a boundaryfor me, then that helps guard my
(41:17):
time too, because I'm notgetting specific calls and I
think.
I've talked about boundaries atwork and how I'll only check my
email, every three hours andI've let my employees know oh,
if you need something outside ofthose hours, let me know.
Like I can go into an email ifthere's something I need to
respond to.
So it's kinda the same way.
Is letting family or friendsknow hey, sometimes during these
times and these times is myfamily time and I need to not be
(41:40):
available for other things.
And yeah, I think that's totallyacceptable that you should be
able to make thosedeterminations for you,
yourself, your family, andsharing those with others so
that they can respect theboundaries.
Kelly (41:55):
Yeah, absolutely.
And usually when you have thatconversation and you just
explain the why and help'emunderstand why you're not gonna
be available or why you're notalways going to answer your
phone most of the time, if.
Your family or friends arereasonable.
Yeah.
They're gonna get it and they'regonna be like, okay.
Most of the time it's not thatsomeone's just like trying to
(42:18):
bug you or anything, it's justthey don't realize
Kristen (42:22):
Yeah.
They don't see what you'redoing.
Then they don't know if you'rebusy making dinner or you're
about to get in the shower oryou're driving to Target.
They don't know what you'redoing.
Kelly (42:30):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I, that, that's actuallywhat happened the other day.
I was in the shower listening tomy music.
And it like got cut off becausea phone call started coming in.
Yeah.
And I got out like a coupleminutes later and it was a, had
a missed call from a familymember.
And then also a text like inthose like two minutes of the
(42:52):
call and me not getting outtathe shower yet, there was also a
text saying, where are you?
Yeah.
And and I also a lot of timeswould get phone calls.
Or FaceTimes or whatever fromfamily.
And if I missed it, I would feelthe need to Yes.
To explain it.
Sorry, I couldn't answer.
I'm busy right now.
(43:13):
Yes.
And so I'm just now starting tocome to a place where I'm like,
I don't always need to even saywhy I'm not answering the phone
right now.
Obviously, if it's an emergency,they're gonna call and then
they're gonna call again andthey're gonna call again.
Yes.
And I'm gonna be like, oh,they've called three times,
something must be wrong.
Or if it was a real emergency,like most likely if I didn't
answer my phone, they're gonnathen call my husband.
(43:34):
And so I've had to realize, ifit's an emergency, like we're
gonna figure that out prettyquickly.
But otherwise, like I don't haveto give an account for what I'm
doing all of the
Kristen (43:45):
time.
I do.
I still have a hard time withthat.
If I have a text and I, orsomebody calls or I have a text
and don't have text back for awhile, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm
so sorry.
Like it doesn't matter.
Like even though texts feel likeimmediate communication, it
doesn't have to be.
And, but I always feel guiltyabout like I, so I can't have my
(44:06):
phone where I work.
I can't have my cell phone withme.
And so I will often feel bad forpeople who don't know that.
'cause then I'm getting out ofwork and I'm just seeing there a
text that they sent six hoursago and I'm just replying and
I'm like, I'm sorry I can't havemy phone at work again.
Nobody needs an explanation, butit's that internal guilt I have
that, oh my gosh, I wasn'tavailable for somebody.
Oh my gosh, I wasn't.
(44:26):
Yeah.
It's it's definitely a mentalthing and it's not even about
the other person.
It's about me being able to dealwith my own stuff.
I think.
Kelly (44:37):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it, I think as we get older,it becomes a little easier to
realize we don't always have toexplain ourselves.
But it's still something that Istruggle with from time to time.
Kristen (44:48):
And that's a good segue
into one of the other topics we
wanted to cover about having toexplain yourself, because we
talked about, talked about howpeople sometimes feel very
forthright to ask questions thatare really none of their
business.
And, it can be anything from,when are you getting married?
Or Why aren't you married yet?
Or when are you having kids?
And then once you have a kid,when are you having your next
(45:10):
kid or in the job, you just gota new job.
Great.
When are you gonna put in forpromotion?
Or what are you gonna go foryour next job?
People who have no say in yourlife, always want to be very
involved in your life and askingquestions like that.
Yeah.
Have you experienced things likethat?
Or, why is it that you feel someof those questions are so
loaded?
Kelly (45:31):
Yeah, so the number one
thing that comes to mind for me
with this is the topic of whenare you having kids?
Or when are you going to haveanother?
And that, that could be a wholeepisode in and of itself.
But I have found with thatquestion, especially, I think it
(45:53):
largely imparts stems from theolder generations.
One thing being that it, thatwas just, that was normal yeah.
In our grandparents' day or evenin our parents' day was to you
get married and have kids andthen you have more kids and,
there's so many things that playinto that conversation and why I
(46:15):
think it was okay to ask a longtime ago versus not so much now.
And one of those being just Idon't think like the topic of
infertility, not to say that ithasn't always been a thing,
right?
Because obviously infertilitygoes all the way back to the
Bible days and we see stories ofthat.
(46:36):
So it's always been a thing.
But in general, I feel like itwas not something as struggled
with back in our grandparents'day, I think of my grandfather.
He was one of six, mygrandmother was one of 15.
Oh my my other grandfather, I,oh gosh, I can't, I don't even
(46:58):
know how many siblings he had,but he had a lot.
And back in those days it wasvery normal to have a lot of
kids.
And I think without gettingsuper sciencey or maybe
conspiracy minded, whateverwithout getting too much into
that, I do think that there arethings in our world today that
have greatly impacted people'sability to have kids Yeah.
(47:22):
Or have multiple kids and thingsthat just.
Didn't affect people the waythey do now.
Our food and just a lot ofthings.
And so I think because it wassuch a normal thing then that
generation still expects that tobe normal of us today.
And so I found in my circles atchurch or work or just family
(47:46):
friends, that the oldergenerations were always the
first to want to know, like assoon as we got married.
It was when are you havingbabies?
Yeah.
And they say it and it's likethey almost think they're being
cute.
And I'm like, you're really not.
Yeah.
The thing is, it's like they,
Kristen (48:02):
they think they know
more about your family, so we're
also a one kid family, but itwas by choice.
And I feel like people had aharder time than that.
Not to take away from theinfertility thing.
'cause I have a lot of friendsthat have dealt with that also,
but they almost kind of guilt.
You're like don't you think heshould have a friend?
Don't you think you should havemore of them?
Shouldn't you have anotherchild?
Yeah.
And but then I see people thathave multiple children and
(48:26):
they're like, oh, we've gottaget Sally over to ballet and
then we've gotta get Johnny tosoccer.
And then just they're going somany different ways with so many
activities and it's just, thatseems too much for me and for my
husband and I, we wanted to beable to give our son everything.
And yes, he probably is spoiledon some accounts, but that was
part of by design, because Inever wanted to have to say no
(48:47):
to him.
I didn't wanna have, and I don'tmean like we do say no to him,
but when it comes to activities,I don't wanna be like, no, you
can't play soccer because yoursister's an ice skating and your
brother's in football.
You know what I mean?
And I'm not saying that's whatpeople do, but in my mind, for
us, it was a conscious choicethat we wanted to be able to
just have one so that he wouldhave our attention.
And we're fine with that.
And it's like other peoplearen't okay with that.
(49:08):
Oh, you know what they say aboutonly children?
No, what do they say about onlychildren?
Please enlighten me.
Oh, only children are spoiled.
Only children aren't gonnasocially develop properly only
children.
And they try to give you allthese things and scare things
like, so you know, you reallyshould have another kid.
And it's it's just, it's too,people need to mind their own
business.
That's what I think.
Kelly (49:27):
Yeah.
And I've seen that on the flipside too, of, it's.
Nothing's ever going to be goodenough for people.
That's true.
Whether you have one, one kid,they're gonna have opinions
about that.
But then, I, you've got, I'vegot friends that have, four,
five kids and they get commentsfrom the older at the grocery
store saying oh, wow.
(49:48):
You've got your hands slowly.
Yes.
And it, or, like the very rude,in my opinion, comment of how to
prevent that.
As if as if their kids as if anyof them are a mistake, yes.
And so it happens on both sidesof the coin.
And it, there's, like I saidthere, I think there's so many
(50:08):
things that play into thatconversation and why people
think it's okay.
Another, thing.
I think is that in particularly,and not to say that it's only
like older people asking thesequestions because I've had it
from people of all ages.
Kristen (50:24):
But same,
Kelly (50:24):
I do find it more common
in people that are a little
older than me to ask thosequestions.
And I think part of that too isthat topics of infertility,
topics of loss were very taboo.
Until more recent times whensocial media started to bring
(50:44):
light to that and Right.
Had people who were willing to,open up and share their stories.
And so I think it was just atopic that so many people never
had to stop and think about therepercussions of their
questions.
Because I can say firsthand,like some of the.
(51:05):
Those questions are so painful.
And I think it's important forpeople to realize that what
they're seeing as a harmlessquestion, because for whatever
reason they think it's theirbusiness it actually can impact
people in really awful ways.
(51:26):
Yeah.
Kristen (51:28):
So how can they maybe
reframe their curiosity in a
more respectful way?
Because I, I do believe thatpeople don't do it maliciously.
I don't think there's ever anyill intent when people are
asking personal questions likethat.
I really do believe they areinterested in just knowing.
And like you said, it's it'salmost like a small talk
(51:50):
question to so many people.
It's just, it's what you do.
That's the natural progressionof things and they're just being
nice and I really don't thinkthey mean it.
In a harmful or malicious way.
But if they do wanna ask thesequestions still, are there ways
that people can be curious andmaybe a less harmful way of
(52:10):
asking it?
Kelly (52:14):
Yeah.
I think, just if you're curiousabout someone and their life and
what's going on and what they'rehoping for or planning I think
just reframing.
The question for one thinginstead of saying like, when are
(52:34):
you having kids?
Or when's the next one comingalong?
Which I started getting thatquestion when my son was
literally like a few weeks old.
Oh,
Kristen (52:43):
same.
As soon as I popped him out,they're like, all right, so is
it time to start about the nextone?
I don't even know what I'm doingwith this baby right now.
Calm your jets there, Brenda,but
Kelly (52:52):
Oh yeah.
Same.
But I think just like it's okayto wanna have conversations with
people and ask questions abouttheir life, but number one,
reframe your own mindset tounderstand that like they don't
owe you explanations.
Yes.
But then also just reframe thequestions instead of saying, are
(53:14):
you having kids?
When are you having'em?
Why don't you have them yet?
Maybe just ask something like.
What are your goals for thefuture?
Or, do you and your husband havea five year plan?
Because, for someone who is inthe thick of, maybe infertility
or, for all, this person mayhave just had a miscarriage or
(53:35):
whatever, and those questionscan just feel like daggers.
But if you were to reframe that,and like I said, just say
something simple what are yourwhat are your future goals?
Or what are you guys hoping todo?
Yeah.
What
Kristen (53:48):
are the dreams you have
for your family?
Like how
Kelly (53:51):
Yeah.
That just, that allows them to.
If they want to talk abouthaving kids, then that's a great
way for them to open thatconversation and say oh, we're
hoping to start trying for ababy next year.
Yeah.
Or whatever, but if they're,maybe they don't want kids.
(54:12):
Yeah.
Or maybe like they're in Afinfinancial position where they
know that having kids right nowjust would really not be wise at
the moment.
Or whatever the case may be,that, a question like that still
allows them to carryconversation with you and talk
(54:32):
about other things like, oh,like we're hoping to buy a house
or we're hoping to move, orwhatever the case may be.
So I think just coming up with,different ways of carrying a
conversation and not justassuming that just'cause someone
like, oh, they just got married.
That means we need to ask themabout their sex life.
No
Kristen (54:52):
kidding.
You can do it now, so pop thebabies out.
Yeah.
Oh my goodness.
We have been on a journey today,journey, going from being busy
and slowing down and buildingpersonal boundaries, and
handling personal questions.
What's one thing that you hopelisteners take away from this
episode?
Kelly (55:13):
I would just say to as
hard as it can be, especially
in, today's world.
Just know that you.
Your every day, your routine,your calendar and then even your
family dynamics.
They don't have to look like theexpectations of those around
(55:35):
you.
Yes.
And so knowing that your storyand your season is not meant to
be the same as everyone aroundyou or it's not meant to be what
Grandma Josie thinks it'ssupposed to be.
It's okay.
(55:55):
And just removing thosepressures of trying to do all
the things or have your familylook a certain way just because
that's what's considered normal.
Really what is normal
Kristen (56:12):
Exactly.
Because
Kelly (56:13):
that's what I Yeah, go
ahead.
I was just gonna say, becauseeveryone has things, there's no
such thing as a normal family.
We all have our things.
Yes.
And so just be okay with theseason that God has placed you
in.
And yeah, just don't feel likeyou have to look like everyone
(56:37):
else.
Kristen (56:38):
Yeah, I love that.
And I would add that,normalizing that doing nothing
is doing something likesometimes we have to just sit
and not do anything becausethat's what we need to rebalance
ourselves, to refresh ourselvesthat it's okay to not be busy
and going all the time.
Because sometimes it's moreimportant to slow down and make
(57:00):
the time for yourself.
And I say this all the time,more so that I will eventually
learn it myself, but self careis not selfish.
You have to take care ofyourself first so that you can
be the best version of yourselfto be there for others.
And I think that's part of ittoo, in the slowing down and
building boundaries and how youengage with other people too, is
(57:21):
just making sure that you aretaking care of yourself.
Kelly (57:25):
Yeah.
Absolutely.
And when we don't have thoseboundaries in place and we are
just living in a frenzy and notslowing down I think it makes it
really easy for us to just getour priorities outta whack.
Kristen (57:39):
Yep.
And then it's just chaoseverywhere.
And then you're trying to justkeep up and it's just, it's
exhausting.
Yep.
Thanks Kelly.
So before we close any finalthoughts?
Kelly (57:55):
Oh, I just would
encourage everyone as they go
throughout their week to findlittle habits, little things you
can implement to your week, tojust make things easier.
Whether that's a simple littlemorning routine or something as
simple as taking Instagram offof your phone and only looking
(58:17):
at it.
On your iPad or whatever thecase may be.
Yeah, just find something simplethat you can easily implement to
just slow down a little bit andslow your mind down a little
bit.
Kristen (58:29):
I love it.
I think that's probablysomething I need to do too and
get out of the doom scrolling,so appreciate that advice.
All right.
Thanks so much, Kelly.
We look forward to talking toyou again in the future.
Yeah, thanks for having me all.