Episode Transcript
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Kristen (00:01):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back.
Today we are continuing thisFriendship series and we are
gonna be talking about makingfriends as an adult, which
sounds like it should be easier,but is it really?
today joining me, I have Kelly.
Hey Kelly.
Hey Kristen.
Thanks for having me No problem.
(00:22):
I'm excited to have you here andI am super excited to talk about
this because, I have foundmaking friends as an adult.
Harder than I thought it wouldbe.
How about you?
Kelly (00:34):
Yeah, I think so.
when you're younger, before thesocial media age, You don't care
so much about what people thinkof you.
it kind of is what it is and Ithink it's easier to put
yourself out there.
And make friends when you'reyounger than it is when you're
older you have all of thesethings and life and baggage that
you carry into friendships.
(00:55):
adult friendships are definitelymore challenging to find.
Kristen (00:58):
Yeah, I mean, even in
just what you just said, I feel
like there's so many directionswe could go with that, because
the social media thing, Idefinitely wanna talk about
social media and the role thatit has in friendship because
while there's positives.
In some aspects I see morenegatives to it, but I feel like
there's a lot to unpack there.
So we can hold on that for aminute.
(01:19):
But the other part about makingfriends and the baggage you
bring into it.
Can we talk about that for alittle bit too?
Kelly (01:27):
Yeah.
Kristen (01:28):
Yeah,
Kelly (01:29):
it can be a lot
Kristen (01:30):
so this is something my
husband and I were just having
this conversation'cause I wastalking to him about how, we're
talking about friendship on thepodcast, having one best friend
and all this stuff.
he told me, it's kinda like whenwe were growing up and taught.
That whoever you're gonna marry,there's one perfect person for
you.
He said, I think somewhere alongthe way, we may have thought
that about friends too, thatthere's this one perfect friend
(01:50):
and we're always trying to findthat one friend, He's like,
you're basically looking for afriend that is you.
And I'm like, yeah, likesomebody who likes the stuff
that I like.
He's like, no, you are lookingfor a friend that is you.
You want somebody who wants thesame things you want.
Does the same things you do isjust like you.
And when they do somethingthat's not what you would've
done, then you get upset aboutit'cause they're not meeting
(02:10):
your expectations or you wantthem to do a certain thing and
when they don't react the wayhe's like, you go in to
friendships a lot like with allthis stuff in your head.
do you think sometimes there'sstruggles with adult friendships
because of expectations you haveor because you're looking for
something specific?
Kelly (02:30):
I think there have been
times and seasons where that was
definitely more true thanothers.
I don't know if it's just.
From all the different peoplethat I've encountered, I've kind
of had to reframe that mindsetand realize in, a marriage
(02:51):
communication is so important.
I think that's true too, whenyou're trying to build a really
solid friendship you have tocommunicate.
'cause like you said, yourfriends aren't gonna always meet
your expectations.
There's gonna be things thatthey do or don't do that, you
think, well, I would've donethis, and they didn't.
And so it's hard to, not getupset sometimes, but that's when
(03:11):
communication is so importantand just being able to talk
through some of those things.
And sometimes it's little thingsand it's not worth bringing up.
We have to realize that, wecan't hold everyone to our own
standards, but when it is afriendship that you feel.
is valuable and important toyou.
I think we do have to have thatcommunication aspect to talk
(03:34):
through some of those thingsNone of us are perfect and we do
things that upset each other,and so I think being able to
talk through that, even withfriends is really important.
Kristen (03:42):
Right.
So before we can get to thatpoint, we've gotta make friends.
How do you find, you know,you've moved around a little
bit.
What are some ways that you havetried that's worked, maybe some
ways that haven't worked whenyou are looking to find and
established friendships?
Kelly (04:00):
Yeah, so we've definitely
moved around, four states and 10
years of marriage and we're noteven military.
I think back to when we were.
living in Ohio and outside ofwork, I had a really hard time
meeting people there.
It was an odd time and an oddcommunity.
But that being said, for thosewho do work in, a corporate job,
(04:26):
that honestly sometimes can be agreat place to make friends.
Mm-hmm.
I've definitely had jobs whereno thank you.
I don't wanna take that.
I will talk to you all day inthe cubicle, but.
Let's leave it there.
Right.
but thinking back to the jobthat I had there, I actually
made some really great friendsand, to this day I still talk to
(04:47):
one of'em.
Oh, wow.
Not all the time, but we stillcheck in with each other and I
just loved her to death.
And so, you know, if you'restruggling to find friends and
you do work a job.
That is an option sometimes.
but yeah, I would say when wedid our last move, to Maine, I
(05:10):
don't know what it was, but Iwas in my thirties at that
point, and.
I think just really cravingcommunity.
my best friend lives very faraway from me even before we
moved, she lived in anotherstate Other than family being
nearby, we just didn't havecommunity.
(05:33):
And I just kind of had gotten toa point where I was like, it's
fine.
I don't like people.
Yes.
I'm antisocial, you know?
Mm-hmm.
we had just gone through covid afew years ago and that made
things weird with people so Ihad settled at that point and
was like, it's fine that I don'thave friends to do anything
(05:54):
with.
when we moved.
It was like a switch flipped inme and I was like, I really want
community, not only for myself,but just for my family.
Mm-hmm.
as a whole and for my son to,grow up.
I remember growing up, my familyhad.
A handful of other families thatwe were just so close with that
(06:17):
honestly were more like familyto us than some of our own
family was.
And to this day, some of thosepeople are still very much a
part of my life.
And so I love the idea of justbuilding community for myself
and for my family.
when we moved here.
That's what I started trying todo.
it's hard, you have to beintentional about it, like
(06:40):
friends.
Most of the time don't just fallinto your lap.
Kristen (06:44):
Right.
Kelly (06:45):
and so there's, and.
Multiple ways that I've goneabout that, which we can get
into.
But what about you?
Because you've done someout-of-state moves as well.
Kristen (06:55):
Yeah.
I've done multiple out-of-statemoves, and it's kind of like
being the new girl in schoolevery time it happens and you're
trying to figure out, where ismy place here?
Where do I find my people?
How do I do it?
Like you've said, work is alwaysa thing.
when we'd first moved here.
what I found about St.
Louis community is there arepeople here who have lived here
(07:15):
their whole lives, so manypeople are still friends with
who they went to high schoolwith, who they went to college
with, and I had a really hardtime breaking in I had a girl I
met at work, we were in a classtogether and she invited me to
her book club, which was great.
I love reading.
We had a monthly book club.
We get together.
There were some other things wewould do together, and I loved
it.
I had so much fun, but at thesame time, it was like I was
(07:39):
with her and her friends.
Like I never really felt that Iwas one of them because a bunch
of them had gone to collegetogether.
They'd known each other foryears.
So they were very into includingme.
And I felt like I was a part ofit, but at the same time, I
wasn't really, if that makessense.
So, that's one example.
I used Facebook and Meetup a lotof times to make friends.
(08:02):
meetup was back when I was inVirginia, so this was probably
still oh 7, 0 8 when socialmedia was there, but it wasn't
what it is now.
And Meetup, you could joindifferent groups and Finding
people to become friends withhas never been a huge challenge.
I've always been able to findplaces and then, as my son's
been in, different playgroupswhen he was little, and now at
school I meet people that way.
(08:24):
But what I'm finding is there'sa difference between knowing
people having acquaintances orsocial media connections and
actually having friends withreal human connection.
And that's Where I struggle whenit comes to adult friendships a
question I wanted to ask you isyou know, you can be in a group
of people, you can find places,but how do you actually start
(08:49):
those To be a friend.
it's hard because I feel likeyou can't just go up to somebody
and be like, hi, I am Kristen.
Do you wanna be my friend?
that feels so silly.
But when you look at friendshipsfrom when we were children to
friendships when we were adults,that's how we did it as kids.
I remember fifth grade and wehad open house.
(09:11):
you'd go and, meet the teachers,see your classroom.
I had known there was gonna be anew girl in our class, we were
in the classroom, lookingaround.
I saw this girl and walked up toher and I was like, hi, are you
the carer girl that's supposedto be here?
And she was like, what?
And I was like, hi, I'm Kristen.
it was so easy then, and itwasn't a big deal.
I'm not saying I was braver butit was socially acceptable that
(09:34):
you could just go to somebody oron a playground, you would, you
know, go over to say and say,hi, I'm Kristen.
You don't wanna be my friend.
But as an adult, I feel likethat's so silly.
I think in my mind, everybody'salready friends with who they're
gonna be friends with andeverybody already has their
connections and nobody's lookingfor new friends.
And so I am just this weirdo onthe outside of everybody else's
(09:55):
bubble.
Floating around waiting forsomebody to see me and be like,
oh, let's invite that girl in.
So I try to always be the, whenI am the girl on the inside and
I see that person on theoutside, I try to welcome people
in.
But my question is then how doyou get to that point?
how can you start initiatingfriendships?
What advice do you have for thatKelly?
Kelly (10:18):
Well, I'll start by
saying that I pulled a very
silly goose move the other daybecause I essentially did just
approach someone and say, Hey,do you wanna be friends?
Not in those exact terms, butyes, I did.
it was very outside of mycomfort zone.
even though The last two yearshave been outside of my comfort
(10:40):
zone.
Yeah.
And making friends.
I have made some really greatfriendships here in the last two
years.
but that was very out ofcharacter for me.
Mm-hmm.
this girl, we have had a coupleof interactions on social media
and then face to face.
For the purpose of her buyingsomething from me.
(11:00):
I was selling some things in aFacebook group that my friend
who was moving kind of startedshe's like, yeah, you can list
your stuff in here.
this girl bought a couple thingsfrom me.
our interactions were Hey, I'llmeet you at such and such at
this time, and then in facelike, here's your stuff.
Thanks for the money.
That was that.
she has.
(11:23):
four kids, but two of her kidsare very close in age to my son.
Okay.
And he is been really strugglingfor the last six months because
his best friend moved to theother side of the world.
And a lot of the friends I'vemade here have kids who are much
younger than him.
he's homeschooled Not to sayhe's not socialized.
(11:43):
you know, he's in sports andchurch things and whatnot, but
he is really missing that likeclose connection he had with his
friend that moved.
And so I like, you know, I knowof this girl.
I know she has kids close in hisage, my friend.
Really likes her.
And so I was like, Hey, maybe wewould get along.
(12:06):
Yeah.
And maybe our kids would getalong.
So I messaged her and was like,Hey, this is very random, but I
was wondering if you wanna comeover for coffee and let our kids
play.
she was like, I would love to dothat.
they're coming over in a coupleweeks.
that was so unlike me to dothat.
But sometimes you just gotta putyourself out there.
as far as, like you were sayingit can be easy to meet people.
(12:30):
through, sports and whatnot.
my son plays basketball and hewas in T-ball and now he's
starting coach pitch He's doneswimming lessons and soccer.
you're always around otherparents and it's like, Hey, how
you doing?
see you Friday, whatever.
Yeah.
And that's great.
But, to build those deeper,meaningful friendships that not
only do you chat when you'retogether, but you can call them
(12:53):
and be like, Hey, I need help,whatever.
Or someone to talk to whenyou're having a hard day.
I have built those friendshipshere too, and I'm very thankful
for that.
But it definitely takes puttingyourself out there, but also a
lot of effort, And I tell myhusband this all the time'cause
(13:14):
he loves to say like.
I don't have any friends, and Itell him, you have to be a
friend.
First, like, you know, friendsdon't fall into your lap, and
chances are the people thatyou're talking to and that
you're like we chat, but we'renot really friends.
(13:36):
they might be feeling the samething.
so I think making those firststeps.
and for me, what I have foundhere,'cause like you said, when
you moved to Missouri, it's kindof a hard community to break
into And feel a part of becauseeveryone grew up there.
that could not be more true ofMaine, I have cousins here in
(13:58):
the next town over.
And I'm telling you, they're onFourth or fifth generation in
that town.
it was very normal for Mainersto just grow up and stay in the
town they were raised in.
And then raise their kids there.
it's very generational here.
coming into that, it was verylike.
(14:19):
I am definitely an outsider.
Mm-hmm.
Even though, you know, like Iknew all about me and I grew up
coming here.
Yeah.
I have family here.
I was still very much theoutsider one of the first things
that I plugged into that helpedme get to know people, was a
book club it was great.
I met a lot of people throughthat.
I'm not in that book clubanymore, but I built some really
(14:42):
good relationships through that.
if you're wanting to buildsolid, really meaningful
friendships, you can't do it byjust.
Talking to those people.
Yeah.
When you see them at these groupevents.
so what I started doing prettysoon after we moved, I just
started inviting people over sothat we could have one-on-one.
(15:02):
that is where I've built somereally good friendships it's a
little uncomfortable at first,when we lived in Virginia, we
never.
had people over, which is crazybecause I grew up there.
but it's different.
people, don't stay there.
that area is very much likepeople come and they go.
even a lot of the people I grewup with, weren't around anymore.
(15:23):
I had family there so I justkind of Fell on that and didn't
crave community.
I could probably count on onehand how many times I invited
someone over to my house.
That's sad.
'cause you had the cutest house.
Kristen (15:34):
I mean, your one in
Maine.
Yeah.
And pictures looks nice too.
But your Virginia House wasadorable.
I went to your house.
You did.
But you're family.
Oh, that's true.
Right.
Kelly (15:45):
And so when we moved
here, I was like, you know what,
we're not doing this anymore.
I have cousins, but they're verybusy and their schedules are
very different from ours.
I was like, Nope, we're notgonna be loners here.
And so we just started invitingpeople over and building
relationships that way.
it was actually funny'cause oneof the first times we did it,
the couple we had over, werelike, thanks for doing this.
(16:09):
Like, I feel like not a lot ofpeople.
Do that here.
Mm-hmm.
it's very much you see them atthings.
and this was from someone whogrew up here Oh, wow.
it's just not super common forpeople to invite random people
over.
so we started making it a pointto do that.
we've had, people that Jeffworks with, we've had multiple
(16:34):
people that we've met at church.
it's kind of just been like, ohyeah, we've talked to this
couple.
Multiple times at church.
they always sit on the row infront of us, so let's just ask
'em if they wanna come over fordinner Friday night.
very out of character for bothof us, but it's been so huge in
(16:55):
us building a community here.
Kristen (16:56):
Well, and I love that.
And so many of the things yousaid, I think one of the big
things is you're right, it hasto be intentional.
You can't just go on autopilotand think friendships are going
to work.
And that's not just the creatingthem, that's the maintaining
them too.
it also, I feel like it's alittle bit like dating, like
you're putting yourself outthere I joke by saying, Hey, do
you wanna be my.
Friend, friend, but at the sametime, it's kind of like that,
(17:18):
like, you know, you asking Thatgirl to come over for coffee I
think part of it is because I'mstill dealing with insecurities
deep within my brain that thefear of rejection is So deep
within me that I'm like, well,what if they don't like me?
Like, what if they don't wannabe my friend?
if I ask them to hang out andthey're like, Ew, no.
Which I realize nobody wouldprobably say out loud, but in my
(17:41):
head I'd be like, oh, their eyestotally sad.
They were like, Ew, no.
I struggle with that.
And it's weird because Atcertain times or with certain
people, there's certain people Ifeel very intimidated by.
Like, oh, she's really pretty.
Oh, she's really skinny.
Oh, she's really popular.
And I realize, I sound like I'm15 right now with the fears.
I still have, but it's like,well, she wouldn't wanna be my
(18:02):
friend.
people already have friends.
They're not looking for newfriends.
But I think that you're rightthat there are other people who
are looking for it and they'realmost waiting for somebody else
to do it.
So you need to be the one to doit.
And there's a really sweet lady,she's The mom of my son's
friend.
And she and I, you know, we'veseen each other, you know, like
(18:22):
birthday parties or schoolevents and I do, I really like
her.
And it's one of those onesWhere're like, oh, we should
hang out.
And she had texted me, it'sbeen, probably a little over a
month and, you know, kind oftalking about things and I was
like, oh, we should do coffeesometime.
And she's like, yeah, I'd reallylike that.
And we still have it.
So Jenny, if you're listening,we will get coffee.
(18:43):
I do wanna be your friend,please.
Let us do this.
I think that it's important tokind of, and it may not work,
but you don't know, just likedating, go out for coffee, do an
activity, hang out, get to knowthem.
Like you said, invite them over.
I don't know if it's mypersonality or my age now, but I
long more for those simplerthings.
(19:04):
I would love to just have a gamenight, I love.
Board games, and I would love tohave people over because you're
doing an activity it's not weirdif the conversation lulls, and
you can have multiple peopleover for it.
And you're right, just invitingpeople over.
But then the voices in my headare like, oh, but my house, it's
not perfectly decorated ourliving room is very lived in,
(19:28):
it's clean.
'cause my husband, I.
Thank God for him is very biginto cleaning and organization
and you know, we're oppositesthat way.
So it's great.
He's in charge of that stuff.
So our house is clean, but likeour living room, it's got our
son's artwork on the walls.
we've got like.
Lego things on the bookshelvesand memorabilia around and
(19:49):
knickknacks.
'cause all of us, my husband,myself, my son, were into
antiquing.
So we have a bunch of just whatsome people might call crap, but
we think our treasures Do I wantthose people inside my house to
see what I'm like if I'm tryingto put my best self out there,
so people will like me, do Iwanna invite them in here?
And then they're gonna be like,oh, this girl, she's a nutcase.
(20:10):
Like, let's not be her friend.
I know those are theinsecurities talking, but like
you said, when I was younger, Istill had insecurities, but it
wasn't about friendship stuff.
It was like, ah, whatever.
this is me, you can like me ornot.
when it came to friends, I mighthave been delusional, just
figured everybody liked me.
Like, why wouldn't you wanna bemy friend?
I'm a great person.
(20:30):
but as I've gotten older, Istill think people should like
me and I'm a great person, butit's different because I see all
the things that I think arewrong with me.
And I worry that if I let peoplein, other people will see what's
wrong with me?
And then they don't wanna be myfriend.
Does that make sense?
Kelly (20:47):
Yeah, that was something
I had to push myself to get
over, after we moved and startedbeing intentional about inviting
people over.
when we lived in our old house,that you so kindly called super
cute.
I worked really hard at that.
it was very important for me.
I don't know why.
(21:07):
for one thing, I just enjoydecorating.
And that's fine.
And I've still done that here.
I think part of it was because Iwas on social media a lot more
back then than I am now.
Mm-hmm.
And so, you know how that is.
I do you compare and you feellike.
Your life and your house shouldlook a certain way, I fell into
(21:29):
that when we lived in our oldhouse, and I wouldn't dare
invite someone over.
If everything was not in itsplace and I'm talking like no
toys laying in the floor.
Oh.
Despite the fact that I had a3-year-old, like everything
needed to look perfect.
when we came here and startedinviting people, I almost fell
(21:51):
into that again.
We have hardly even talked.
I need everything to look great.
So that they think that I havemy life together in my house
together.
Right.
And that just couldn't befurther from the truth.
And one really great thing aboutMainers is that.
Most of the time they're nottrying to impress anyone.
(22:13):
and I just really love that andI have started to settle into
that myself.
coming here and starting to makefriends and going to different
houses made me realize, oh,Their house looks like a normal
house too.
they have dishes in the sink andI'm not judging them for that.
So it's probably okay if there'sa cup in my sink when someone
(22:34):
comes over There was a timewhere I, if someone was coming
over, I would take all ofEthan's artwork off the fridge
and wipe all the fingerprintsoff.
and now I'm like, no.
why would I do that?
so many people come into myhouse and look at like his
artwork and stuff and they'recommenting on it and having
conversation with him about itand like.
(22:56):
I think we just have to, andit's not easy and it's not
comfortable until you start todo it more, but we have to get
over that concern that peopleare going to judge us or think
less of us.
the reality is they're justgonna see that we're a normal
person, like they probably aretoo.
Kristen (23:17):
And I think it comes
from like we have to accept
ourselves so that we can allowother people to accept us the
way we are.
The people that I do considerfriends, I have no problem with
just having them over.
Like, yeah, come over whenever.
And I don't even care ifthere's, dust certain places or
whatever.
I had somebody over and sheasked if she could use the
bathroom.
(23:37):
Like, yeah, but it's a boy'sbathroom so I can't promise it's
gonna be super clean.
I try to clean my son's bathroom'cause that is the guest
bathroom when people come over.
So I try to keep it clean, He'sa 12-year-old boy.
I can't guarantee what's goingon in that bathroom But again,
those are people I've alreadyestablished friendships with, so
I don't care.
You've seen me at my low.
This is my house.
(23:58):
This is me.
I was thinking more like whenyou said I wanna be your friend
and come over to my house.
That's where I'm like, how aboutlet's meet at the coffee shop
and let me see if I want toinvite you to my house.
I think that's important.
if we can talk about the socialmedia thing for a minute,
because I know that you have letgo of it more, and I love that I
(24:19):
have not let go as much, but Ifeel like my social media
posting has become moreintentional because my social
media viewing, perusing,scrolling, whatever word you
wanna use is not healthy.
I get into that comparison gameand it's not healthy for me.
(24:40):
I get more depressed aboutmyself, my life, whatever.
honestly, I have a great life.
I shouldn't be depressed aboutany of it, but I'm like, oh,
so-and-so's doing this, orso-and-so's going there.
So and so has this.
And I feel like you know.
It can affect some of myfriendships too, because people
who may not be super closefriends, if all I know from them
(25:01):
is on social media, it doespaint a picture.
And there are some people, and Ithink we've all done it right?
You see somebody posting andyou're like, oh, if they're
posting again, and you know,they're posting it for attention
While I am trying to be moreauthentically me, I almost get
more irritated when I see peoplenot being authentically them.
And I realize that soundsterrible and I sound like such a
(25:23):
judgmental beat or whatever, butI feel like.
Okay, we can all admit Facebookis fake.
Like yeah, it's your highlightreel.
It's the best things, whatever.
But at the same time, I do thinkthere are some people that post
just to make it look even betterthan it really is.
And when I know that it is not,that bothers me more.
(25:43):
When I post.
I even stop and think about whyam I posting this?
Am I posting it for me?
Am I posting it to get likes orviews or clicks?
Or am I trying to show off tosomeone?
I don't even post that muchabout my son anymore.
I'm proud of stuff he does, butmost of the people that are on
my Facebook aren't going tocare.
You know, funny memes orsomething that I think is, like
(26:06):
the other day I shared somethingand it was like, don't invite me
to anything that has a chaoticparking situation, which is
legit.
Yes, I do not want to parallelpark if it's a stressful
situation.
I don't wanna, if have to payfor parking, I don't know how to
pay for it.
parking is huge for me.
And that's something I sharebecause one, I think it's funny.
Two, it is authentically me andI think other people can relate
(26:29):
to it.
So I feel like my Facebook hasbecome more of just that like
sharing funny things orsometimes I'll share like.
Some of the big things, youknow, when we went to the mother
Sun dance, like I shared thatbecause I do want to show my
memories again, Or if we'rethere with other friends and I
wanna share pictures so they cansee the pictures there.
And too, like I'm just moreintentional About what I share.
(26:51):
social media can help, but Ialso think it can negatively
affect some in-personfriendships too.
Thoughts on that?
Yeah.
I agree that that's yourthought.
You're like, yep, Kristen, yousaid it Good job.
I'm like, social media is thedevil friendship.
(27:11):
You're like, yep.
You said it.
Kelly (27:15):
I met my best friend
through social media and It can
be a great thing.
But at the end of the day, Ithink the whole purpose of
social media has changed.
initially it was intended to bea way to connect with your
friends or distant family.
(27:37):
And that was cool.
but.
it's not that anymore for mostpeople.
Granted, yes, some people stillpretty much just utilize it to
share, pictures of their kids tofriends and family who are far
away And that's fine.
I don't think it's bad to useit.
and I'm still on it.
(27:57):
but I think the whole intentionbehind social media has just.
Gone so far from how it startedand now it's just so much
politics and people arguing withcomplete strangers.
Yes.
Which will never not baffle me.
I do not understand.
(28:18):
I know keyboard warriors likewhatever, but that's a whole
different topic.
It is.
But yeah, it is so easy to fallinto the comparison game.
Or you know, like you said, I'vekind of had some of this where I
utilized Facebook to connect topeople that I've maybe met at
(28:41):
church or wherever we've met,sports, things like that.
And I've used it to be like, oh,like let me like,'cause
obviously I don't just like walkup to you and be like, Hey,
what's your number?
Right.
so it's a little more sociallyacceptable To friend request
them connect.
And then Facebook message.
Yes, I've carried that intoMessenger and built things from
there.
Ask them to come over onFacebook Messenger.
(29:02):
I think it can be a great tool.
But even with that, sometimesit's like, I wanted to connect
with her, so let me add her onFacebook.
you add them and then you startscrolling their page.
And that can give youpreconceived notions about this
person and who they are, or whatthey like, or what their
personality is like when reallyit's so far from the truth.
(29:23):
and I think also it can be easy,especially with our friends who
are nearby, it can be easy,especially if there's someone
who does post a lot.
I think it can be easy to feellike you're in the know.
And that you're keeping up andthat, you don't need to check in
because you see their Facebookposts every single day.
(29:43):
But chances are they're notposting on Facebook about what's
really going on in their life.
And so we can't let ourselvesfall into that lie of like, I
know what's going on because Iread their posts every day.
It's just not true.
And so I think it's important tokeep that in mind and be super
(30:05):
intentional even with thosefriends who are very present on
social media Checking in, justlike you would on a friend.
Who never posts on social media.
Kristen (30:14):
No, and I fully agree
with that that was the other
thing I wanted to talk about ishow it almost gives a false
sense of friendship.
Because like you said, you'relike, mm-hmm.
Oh yeah, I like her posts allthe time.
I comment on all of herpictures, like, yeah, we're good
when really, maybe she's postingall those things because she's
hiding what's really going on.
Facebook is your highlight reeland all the things you're proud
(30:34):
of, sometimes people will use itas a way to, hide what's really
going on.
Kelly (30:39):
they're not airing.
The real nitty gritty of life.
That they maybe really need tobe checked in on about, you
know?
Yes.
like just for example, last weekwas a really hard week here in
my house.
For me, like everyone's fine,but it was just me.
I cried and was really goingthrough it emotionally.
Even when I was very present onsocial media, I wasn't posting
(31:03):
things like that, you know?
sure.
You might do the classic little,picture of your coffee cup and
you're like, oh, mamas, it'sbeen a tough week over here.
I feel you.
Like, you know what I mean?
Yes.
I keep it real on social media,but you're not really sharing
what's going on.
And so, yeah, I think it's justreally important to keep that in
(31:25):
mind and still be intentionalabout reaching out and
connecting in real
Kristen (31:31):
life.
Kelly (31:32):
Mm-hmm.
Kristen (31:33):
I agree.
you can't just replace face toface or even, text to text,
which I know is stillimpersonal, but you can't
replace that with social media.
I would love to see a worldsomeday.
Where people are moreauthentically themselves in real
life and on the internet.
I'm not saying post the worst ofthe worst, but like you said, I
(31:55):
wish people would feelcomfortable being like, Hey, had
a bad day cried at work today.
and again, I know you wouldn'treally post that out there,
which PS I'm almost two monthsof not crying at work, so we're
winning there, February 5th wasthe last day I cried at work.
Not like I'm keeping track.
I'm totally keeping trackbecause for a while there, there
are a lot of tears in my office.
(32:17):
So every day is a win.
I wish that it could be, youknow.
I don't know if you're too youngto remember this, but back in
the day we used this thingcalled a OL Instant messenger,
also known as Oh, for sure.
do you remember using, crypticlyrics to leave a message?
(32:37):
I remember one time in collegeand I specifically remember, I,
I made the message, it waslyrics from I think, oh, I'm
gonna have to look it up, but.
It was the bad day again.
Song you had a bad day.
Yes.
Whatever.
Right?
So, also remind me never to singon the podcast again, but, I had
put lyrics from that because Iwas just having a bad day.
(32:57):
Like, I don't know what it was,but it resonated with me.
why can't we get back to that?
Even if it's a little cryptic,why can't we get back to a OL
instant messenger days?
Where you used phrases to talkabout what your actual emotional
state was so people knew whatwas going on with you.
let's normalize that again.
Kelly (33:14):
Well, and even in the
early days of Facebook, it was,
totally acceptable to post songlyrics as your status.
And it was very cryptic most ofthe time.
But like everyone did it andthat was fine.
And it's so funny because Istill occasionally find myself
wanting to post song lyrics onmy Facebook status.
(33:35):
Same.
Let's do it.
And I'm like, this would just beso weird.
Kristen (33:39):
And then I'll go and
like it.
I think nobody does thatanymore.
I think we should do it.
Let's start doing it.
there's a lot of trends I'vebrought back that I take credit
for.
I have brought Scrunchies back.
Yes, I have brought butterflyhair clips back.
I am still working babybarrettes and zigzag parts,
which I know are gonna catch oneventually.
I just have to keep marketingit.
(34:00):
So I also think I can bring backlyrics as status updates on
Facebook.
Kelly (34:06):
last week, I was told
that zigzag parts are coming
back.
this came to me from someonewho's pretty on top of trends
and very active on TikTok, and Isaid my sister-in-law started
that.
Kristen (34:21):
love that.
Kelly (34:21):
I said she's been trying
to search that for a while and
she said, it's becoming a thingagain.
Kristen (34:26):
So there you go.
Manifest it.
Making friendships, beingfriends.
It's hard.
I do think that, we've made somereally good progress in talking
about, it's about beingintentional.
It's about finding someone andputting yourself out there and
accepting people for who theyare.
Also accepting you for who youare and knowing that the right
(34:49):
people will be there, and Ithink that's what it is.
I think part of it too, we'vetalked about being intentional
and putting the work in, andmaking the time and doing the
things.
Sometimes it's okay if afriendship doesn't work out.
Have you had any examples ofthat where you have tried to
make a friend and whether it wasyou or her or whatever, just
kinda like, yes, this isn't ourthing.
(35:09):
have you experienced that?
Kelly (35:12):
I was just gonna say, on
the topic of it's okay if things
don't work out and things don'tturn into a friendship.
this example popped into my headthere is someone who I invited
over, I think the first time Iwas like, let's grab dinner or
something.
And then it was kinda like aYeah.
And then never heard from her.
(35:36):
And then ran into her and.
I texted her after the fact justlike, Hey, good to see you.
still would love to gettogether.
Do you wanna come over forcoffee?
And suggested a day and it waslike, yeah.
And then no response.
I don't know if it's likecompletely unintentional.
(35:59):
Mm-hmm.
Like I've learned some peoplejust really are bad at like
responding to text and that'sokay.
I don't know if it's that or ifit's me trying to make a friend
with someone who's Not on thesame page as me.
I dunno.
But I'm.
Okay with that.
there was a time where Iwould've taken that so
personally and been like sheprobably thinks I'm an idiot
(36:21):
because I've asked her twice nowAnd just been really hard on
myself, or felt like nobodywants to be my friend.
Yes.
How we can get all in ourfeelings and extra dramatic, And
I feel like there was a timewhere that would've been my
response, but I just think I'min a place now where I have very
intentionally built some reallysolid friendships that I'm like,
(36:45):
sure, I'm always up for makingnew friends.
I've got this girl coming overin two weeks and maybe that'll
be the start of a newfriendship.
Maybe our kids are just gonnalike each other and we won't
actually vibe.
I don't know.
But that's okay.
we don't have to be friends witheveryone.
It's totally fine to haveacquaintances and, we're not
(37:07):
going to build a deep friendshipwith every single person we
encounter.
Every single person that we evenmaybe go out to for coffee with
occasionally.
and that's okay.
When you are being intentionaland seeking people out and
putting in the effort to thefriendships that you know, just
(37:32):
click and that really meanssomething.
it.
It's gonna, it's gonna makethose other situations.
Just easier.
'cause you're like, it's okay.
no hard feelings.
I have my people.
Kristen (37:47):
And I think you're
right, and being intentional
too, and it's being able to knowwhen to keep pushing and when to
stop.
Because like you said, the girlwho hasn't really gotten back to
you yet, but she could be goingthrough something hard, like
maybe her.
Yeah.
And I'm completely making thisup just for, you know, example
purposes.
Mm-hmm.
Like maybe your husband just gotlaid off, maybe her mother got
(38:08):
diagnosed with cancer, likemaybe she actually has some
stuff going on in her life.
And she hasn't been able to getback to you, but now she needs
somebody more than ever and youshould keep trying and,'cause
just the timing was wrong.
I'm not saying that's what itis, but it could also be that.
She's, she doesn't wanna do it,but she's not, Forward enough to
(38:28):
be able to just say, no thankyou and is, Leading you on in a
way.
And it's hard to know thosethings.
And that's the other thing,while we're coming up with all
these things, we need tonormalize, we also need people
to be able to know that no is acomplete sentence.
for the longest time, if Ididn't want to do something or
whatever, I try to go with theexcuse, oh no, I'm sorry, I
(38:49):
have.
To wash my hair that night.
It wasn't that bad.
But finding a reason to not dosomething because I just
couldn't say no.
Whereas I've gotten to the pointnow in my life where it's more
of a, oh, thank you so much forthinking of me.
I'm not gonna be able to go, Ireally appreciate the
invitation, but I'm going todecline at this time.
I don't owe.
(39:10):
Anybody an excuse, or a reasonor a justification I don't
expect that from anybody either.
I have some friends who arestill working on boundaries and
struggling with saying no.
So if I ask someone to dosomething, I've come right out
and said, Hey, look, I'm askingyou because you're my friend and
I want to include you, but I amokay if you say no.
(39:31):
you don't have to give me areason.
this happened recently with afriend of mine.
she came back'cause she's like,you know, no, I don't think I
can because of, you know,whatever, whatever.
And I was like, see, you saidno.
Like, didn't that feel good?
And she was like, no.
I'd really like to go eat.
I was like, oh my gosh.
But, it comes with practice andit comes with time, but we don't
have to do everything witheverybody and we don't have to
(39:51):
try to force friendships withevery person.
And it's okay to say no.
And I think that's importanttoo, is knowing, when to say it
and how to say it, but you don'thave to give excuses.
You can just say No, thank you.
Kelly (40:05):
Yeah.
And I feel like in today'ssociety people are so easily
offended.
Yes.
And people take everything sopersonally.
Yes.
And so speaking for myself andeveryone else out there who's
listening You can't takeeverything as a personal attack.
Mm-hmm.
'cause a lot of the times whenpeople decline or whatever, it's
(40:27):
not even about you.
Right, exactly.
Kristen (40:30):
So, I don't know.
We'll get there, I think beintentional.
Be a good friend.
Make friends where you can, butdon't feel like you have to
force it with every person youmeet.
Social media isn't real.
Let's use song lyrics and havezigzag parts.
Yes.
That's the moral of thisepisode.
(40:51):
If you get nothing else, stopHarding your hair in a zigzag.
There's YouTube tutorials youcan find, because I know it's
hard sometimes, but we're gonnabring it back.
Yeah, go post the song on yourSabbath, please.
Yeah, so, so next time you're onFacebook, you see if I get song
lyrics there because.
(41:12):
Yeah.
All right, Kelly, this has beenwonderful.
Any final closing thoughts,advice, stories you wanna share
before we wrap it up?
Kelly (41:23):
if you're in a season
where you're wanting to build
deeper face-to-face friendshipsand build community with the
people around you, Put asideyour concerns of what someone
might think of you and know thatthey're probably normal.
(41:44):
I think we put such highexpectations on people and think
that there's something thatthey're not.
we expect ourselves to portraythat as well.
don't be afraid to dive in it'sgonna feel uncomfortable, but
speaking as someone who's beenpracticing this for almost two
years, just start doing it.
start asking people to grab acoffee with you or invite them
(42:07):
over to your house, even if it'sa little messy.
and again, they may come overone time and you guys may never
plan to hang out again, andthat's okay.
or.
They might come over and itcould be the start of a really
awesome friendship.
Kristen (42:25):
Yes.
I love that.
And I think I would add, becomfortable in accepting
yourself and who you are so thatyou can allow other people to
accept you the way you are.
Also, don't read into things toomuch.
Don't take yourself tooseriously.
Mm-hmm.
Don't take things toopersonally.
And just be open to whateverhappens and do his z exact part.
(42:47):
Yeah.
All right, Kelly.
Well, as always, this has beenwonderful and I can't wait till
we talk again.
So we'll talk soon.
Sounds
Kelly (42:57):
good,
Kristen (42:57):
thanks.
Yep.