Episode Transcript
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Kristen (00:00):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back.
It is another virtual book clubepisode.
Today we have Kelly and Alexisback with us again.
Hi Kelly.
Hey guys.
Hey Alexis.
Hello.
For those of you just joiningus, we are doing a virtual book
club for the month of May and weare doing the book Perfect is
(00:23):
Boring and Tastes like Kale byJess Johnston.
If you haven't read yet, youwanna go back and listen to our
earlier episodes where we do anintro about the book and go over
expectations and a little bitabout what it's gonna be about.
And then last week's episode, wetalked about part one, which was
lies one through five.
If you wanna pause, go back,catch up on those, you can.
(00:45):
Or you can just stay in this onebecause there's still gonna be a
lot of great information weshare with you.
So, before we get into all thedetails, what did you guys think
of this section this time?
Like were there parts that yourelated to, things that stood
out?
Kelly (01:01):
Yeah, I took a good bit
of notes on this one.
There were definitely some.
Lies that I resonated with morethan a couple of the others, but
overall it was really good.
Kristen (01:13):
What about you, Alexis?
Overall thoughts on part two ofthe book?
Alexis (01:19):
I think maybe in some
ways these ones, I.
I related to more than the partone, but they've all been
applicable to my life I'vereally enjoyed that and it was a
good one.
It was a good part.
Two, I really enjoyed it.
Kristen (01:34):
So I agree with that.
I was taking even more notes andhaving more comments because,
these definitely spoke to memore.
part two is called the lies thatKeep us from Connection Or How
to Quit Performing and StartBelonging.
Lie number six.
If I'm rejected, I will die.
Lie number seven.
My job is to keep people happyand make sure they like me.
(01:58):
Lie number eight, neighbors areweird.
Lie number nine, asking for helpis a terrible idea because then
everyone is going to know I needhelp.
Now that we know the chapternumbers, if you guys wanna say
which one was the most relatablefor you?
For me this time, I think it wasdefinitely my job is to keep
(02:19):
people happy and make sure theylike me.
'cause that's really something Istruggle with.
Alexis, did you have one ofthose chapters that was most
relatable to you?
Alexis (02:31):
Number seven, two.
And Callie?
Kelly (02:38):
I definitely resonated
with seven as well.
But I had a lot of thoughts oneight and nine also,
Kristen (02:47):
well, we will jump
right into it then.
So the overall part of part twois the, lies that keep us from
connecting or how to quitperforming and start belonging.
So a lot of it was aboutrejection and feeling like you
have to, like she said, theperforming part.
Like you're putting yourself outthere and performing instead of
(03:08):
just belonging, which I feellike is a.
Huge thing in my life.
So when we're looking atconnection and you think about
where you're at now, how would,what does real connection look
like today?
First five years ago?
Alexis (03:23):
For me, things are just
different.
I mean, we had a complete lifechange in five years as far as
moving to someplace new.
We have different opportunitiesnow, and in a lot of ways those
opportunities have allowed me toconnect more with people.
I would say I actually have abetter support system and
connection now than I did fiveyears ago.
(03:46):
But I also think that some ofthat comes with age.
My kids are older and I feellike I'm not struggling in
diapers and.
Potty training and all of that.
Like little kids, we, I'm at adifferent point and so I think
that mine is actually better.
I think I've worked through someof the things that this book
(04:06):
talks about, but obviously not100% there, they've kind of
naturally worked themselves outas I've aged and as my kids have
aged.
So for me, I would say thingsare better than they are now
just because of location andjust some life changes that we
made.
As far as moving.
Kelly (04:22):
Yeah, so my story's kind
of similar.
We also have done anout-of-state move, a couple of
years ago.
Looking back to, 2020 or evenbefore, I know for a handful of
years I fell into.
A rut with social media where Iwas utilizing that to replace
(04:43):
true connection.
I kind of believed that wasenough for socializing.
I'm scrolling, I'm keeping upwith my friends.
I know what's going on.
But nothing else much washappening beyond that.
I wasn't really getting togetherwith friends.
And if I did.
It felt like it had to bepre-planned.
(05:04):
Okay, we're gonna go out todinner on this night, whatever.
But now, after moving, I feellike we just have built a better
community here.
Also five years ago, like wehave like fallen away from
church and things like that.
And so we really didn't havestrong community.
We had our parents andcoworkers, and that was kind of
it.
But after moving, we got pluggedinto a church.
(05:25):
And so that brings a whole othergroup of people into your life.
Now I've kind of moved awayfrom, social media I cherish the
face to face so much more than Idid.
Five years ago.
And just like the spontaneoushangouts, if I want to get with
a friend, I don't feel like ithas to be a premeditated thing
where we think like, oh, it'sgonna be this date.
(05:48):
Just come over in your sweats.
My house might be a mess.
I probably am too, but that'sokay.
Kristen (05:54):
Exactly.
I love that you bring that partup because not having all the
stress and pressure and tryingto coordinate calendars and find
a location.
Like, it's almost like, it'sjust easier now and it's just
spontaneous and just like textor call somebody, like, Hey,
what are you doing?
You wanna come over?
It sounds crazy because you'relike, but we need to plan it.
But it's almost better if youdon't.
(06:16):
It is interesting to hear youboth because you've, you know,
you've had the moves andconnections kind of changed for
me, I think that how I've viewedwhat connection is, is more
what's changed, and I feel if Istick to that five years, we
were still dealing with COVID,so there was no.
In real life stuff, all of theconnection was virtual and
(06:36):
that's how you were keeping intouch with everybody.
Connection to me was more if mysocial card was full, right?
Like, did I have people that Iwas going out with?
Did I have things that I wasdoing?
Was I connected with differentpeople doing different
activities?
To me, that's how I feltconnected.
But at the same time, I alwaysfelt empty because I was never
getting past what I've called onthe podcast before.
(06:57):
The shallow friendships.
The superficial, you're quoteunquote friends and you do
things together, but you don'tget to know who they really are.
Alexis, to your point, I dothink this is also an age thing
too, as I've matured and my.
Interest desires.
What I need has changed to me.
(07:18):
Now, I'm looking for thosedeeper connections where you can
sit and talk about what's onyour heart, what's bothering
you, what your struggles are,what you believe.
And I don't even mean justreligion wise, but what you
believe about the world, aboutyourself, about other people.
Really being able to get tothose conversations and build a
(07:39):
deeper connection so you getpast the acquaintance, you get
past the friend, like you get tothose true people with that you
have real relationship with.
I think that's more whatconnection is to me now
Alexis (07:52):
I agree.
Kristen (07:54):
I think finding that
real connection can be harder.
It's easy to make shallow,superficial friends.
You can meet anybody and talkabout the weather sports books,
but being able to get to that,is more challenging.
Alexis (08:09):
Yeah, that is a good
point, I do think it's harder in
that regard because.
I don't know why it's harder,but I would agree with that.
Kelly (08:18):
You have to step out of
your comfort zone to find those
deeper connections and bewilling to get vulnerable with
people.
Kristen (08:30):
Well, Kelly, I think
that's where sometimes your way
of doing things can make that alittle bit easier or more
comfortable'cause it is outsideyour comfort zone.
But if you're having people inyour space and in your home
already, I feel like you arealready building that.
Like I'm letting you see mymessy, I'm opening up to you.
I'm ready for that deeperconnection.
(08:52):
But as you mentioned, it's outof your comfort zone.
That can lead to rejection too,so what would you say to your
younger self about rejection?
Kelly (09:02):
I know that it stings now
when you're in the thick of it
and you feel like you're doingsomething wrong.
One day you will be able to findyour people.
Sit with that, and know thatyou're gonna find the people who
are gonna sit with you in yourmesses and love you regardless.
(09:24):
And when that person or thosepeople come, cherish them it's
really hard when you've gonethrough.
Difficult friendship things,friendship, breakups, whatever
the case may be.
Rejection, it can be really hardto then let the right people in.
(09:44):
Try not to hold past hurts andexperiences against the ones who
are surrounding you now.
Kristen (09:50):
That's good.
Kelly (09:52):
That's good.
Kristen (09:54):
Yeah.
I liked the first part you hadtoo, but that ending part,
that's really good.
Alexis, what would you tell youryounger self about rejection?
Alexis (10:07):
Not everybody is for
everybody.
Different personalities getalong with different
personalities and it's okay ifyou don't necessarily get along
with them and they don'tnecessarily get along with you
or you just don't jive.
It's not even that you don't getalong, it's just that you have
different interests.
You are just different peopleand that's okay.
This is something that I've hadto really work through, through
(10:29):
the years in that that's notwhere your value should come.
I mean, I, as you guys know, I'ma Christian, so that's not where
my value is and what peoplethink of me.
It should be my value is inChrist I have to remind myself
of that weekly that it doesn'tmatter what others think'cause
that's not what my value is.
(10:50):
So it's okay if I'm not forthem, but I have Christ and he
is always there for me.
So that's what I would say.
Kristen (10:59):
So I think if I were
talking to my younger self about
rejection.
I would be honest with her andsay, it's a bummer being
rejected, but being able toaccept that not everyone is
going to like you, and that'sokay because you are not going
(11:21):
to like everybody else, and thatis okay.
If you can get past therejection and stop trying to
find validation in otherpeople's opinions of you and
grow your confidence fromwithin, the sooner you can do
that the more abundant lifeyou'll be able to have.
(11:42):
You can flourish when you stopcaring about if people like you
or not and just accept that youlike you and build upon that.
That's what I would say.
Kelly (11:56):
Yeah.
'cause when you're trying tohang out and invest time in
these people who you don't havethat sense of belonging with.
You're just know, being aperformer, it's exhausting.
Like, just the idea of gettingtogether with those groups of
people.
It's so draining, and then whenyou leave, you don't feel
(12:16):
fulfilled.
But when you find your people,or even just your one friend who
you can just completely beyourself with when you get
together because you're notperforming, you're not trying to
put, you know, on any kind offront.
Those times that you're togetherare just so fulfilling and so
life-giving, because you don'thave to pretend.
Kristen (12:39):
Yes, and I wish I had
learned that sooner.
And I'm glad you brought up theperforming part, which, Jess
also covers in her chapters, butI feel like I've been doing that
for so long.
And you're right, it isexhausting.
I recently saw something onInstagram.
I can't remember if I shared itor if I just saved it.
But it was talking about payattention to how you feel after
(13:00):
you spend time with people.
If you feel exhausted orfulfilled, to pay attention to
that and the relationships orfriendships where you're feeling
they're draining you, it's okayto pull back from them or even
end them completely the onesthat you aren't yourself around
or that you are not belongingwith, may not be.
I'll say it's a waste of yourtime, but it may not be a good
(13:21):
use of your time.
Kelly (13:25):
Yeah,
Alexis (13:28):
yeah.
I would even go as far as tosay, and some people might think
this is terrible but sometimeseven in family, that can be the
case.
And sometimes you have to pullback from family, even if
they're draining you.
It doesn't mean that you don'tlove them, and you wouldn't help
them if needed, but if it's aconstant drain on you.
(13:48):
It's okay to pull back'causeI've been there and I've had to
do that at points in my life.
Kristen (13:52):
Yeah.
And I think the healthyboundaries, you know, at some
point you have to take care ofyourself and not everybody else.
Which goes to the peoplepleasing aspects of the book
too, of really getting away fromtrying to do everything for
everybody else.
Think about a time when youdidn't ask for help and you wish
you had.
Line number nine is asking forhelp is a terrible idea because
(14:15):
then everyone is going to know Ineed help.
But has there been a time inyour life where you didn't ask
for help and maybe you wish thatyou had?
How did that go?
Alexis (14:26):
Yeah, I think even in my
earlier years with motherhood, I
wish I would've asked for morehelp.
We lived so rural and I hadfamily around.
They were great and helped somuch, but I wish I would've,
leaned on them for other things.
One thing that comes to mind iswhen we moved from Michigan to
(14:46):
here, it was in the height ofCovid.
My family was sick with a cold.
And of course, you know, ifyou're sick with a cold, you
automatically had covid, I wishwe had reached out to people and
asked them to help us load upour moving truck and move.
We have five kids, so we in likefive days had to finish packing
(15:10):
up our house and get it allloaded and travel, and it was
exhausting I wish we had askedfor help for action, like
packing the pick up because myhusband and I did it.
Our kids helped, but they wereyounger and they just weren't
the biggest help.
And in all honesty, they weresometimes a hindrance because,
you know, they don't,everything's chaotic.
(15:30):
So, obviously it would've, itwas a hindrance in that.
And I still look back and I wishwe would've done it because we
would've had more time to saygoodbyes enjoy the last few
things frantically getting outof our house.
Like we didn't really even getto say goodbye and I loved that
house and I wish we kind ofwould've been able to say
goodbye.
So that is one regret I haveabout not asking for help and I
will never do that again.
Kelly (15:52):
I cannot relate to that.
We've moved a lot, but we likeour last few moves we.
Just straight up asked for helpfrom family and friends.
I couldn't think of any specificscenario like that.
But for me, I was thinking moreso for times when I needed
(16:15):
emotional support.
That's a really hard one for meto admit that I'm struggling.
There have been multipleinstances where I just
internalized things for a longtime eventually those feelings
all start to bubble up I waskind of feeling that, at the end
of 2024 I was kind of getting tothat point with like just
(16:39):
burnout with work and life andjust a lot of things and, but I
wasn't really talking about itand it started to show itself in
other ways.
Learning to.
Admit when you're struggling andbeing able to talk that through
with people is really important.
Kristen (16:59):
Yeah, for sure.
I can relate to that because Ialso will keep things inside and
let it bubble up, and then Ijust explode.
People are like, we didn't evenknow that you had that going on.
Why didn't you ask for help?
A few months ago, things at workwere not great and I felt like I
had to do it all because if Ididn't do it, who was going to
(17:21):
do it or if I gave it tosomebody else, they weren't
gonna do it right.
So I just needed to do itmyself.
But then I just kept taking onso much, and then I remember
just cracking and I startedcrying and I'm like, but I've
got this and I've got this.
And like, well, why don't yougive that to somebody else?
Once I was able to be like,okay, well let me see if I can
have somebody do this andsomebody do that.
(17:41):
And it is hard asking for help'cause it's like, well I should
be able to do all this.
Like, this is my job, I can doit.
And it is really hard for me toadmit that I can't, well not
that I can't see, I can't evenadmit it now.
But it's hard for me to admitthat maybe I can't do it all.
Or I do need some help.
It is really hard for me, and Idon't know if it's a pride thing
(18:04):
or it's just like she says,because I have this image, like
people think that I'm competentand that I can do things and I
am competent, but if I needhelp, what if they think I
can't?
So it's hard for me.
It's hard.
Which leads us into thehighlights from the chapters.
(18:25):
Does somebody wanna go first andshare something that stuck out
with you from the line?
Number six, if I'm rejected, Iwill die.
Kelly (18:36):
Yeah.
I related to that a lot.
When she was talking about howshe had texted someone to ask if
they wanted to get together andthey didn't immediately text
back.
After an hour she was like, thisperson hates me, but she doesn't
wanna say it.
I am so guilty of thatsometimes.
A funny example that popped intomy head with that was, I can't
(18:58):
remember if I said this on thepodcast or not, but I was going
out for our church worship teamand they do ask that you send in
a video of you singing just'cause like there's people out
there who would try to join andreally can't carry a tune.
They just like to know whatthey're dealing with when you're
coming into it.
And so, I sent my video in.
(19:22):
This was the week leading intoEaster, so I knew that the
worship director was very busyand they were practicing,
rehearsing all the things.
I fully, logically did notexpect to hear back until that
following week.
But I sent my video.
On like a Tuesday.
Because I hadn't heard back byFriday, I was like, they hated
(19:46):
it.
I was terrible.
When she was talking about that,it made me laugh because I'm so
guilty of that.
I think probably a lot of usare.
Kristen (19:53):
Oh, for sure.
If somebody doesn't message meback in what I think is a
reasonable amount of time, I'mlike, that's it.
She hates me.
I did something wrong.
She's mad at me.
Meanwhile, I can be sometimesthe worst at texting back I'm
not mad at anybody.
And I think we've done thisbefore too, where you see a
text, you reply in your head,but you don't actually send it.
And then like three days lateryou're like, why didn't so and
(20:14):
so write back to me?
Oh, because I never actuallyreplied.
Kelly (20:19):
Yes, I do that often.
And so I've, gotten better atjust chilling out and reminding
myself like, people are busy.
It doesn't mean anything, thatthey're not responding to you
right now.
Kristen (20:30):
Or if they do respond
and it's just like, okay, or
Yeah, sounds good.
And I'm like, but there's noemoji.
And it's just a period, what didI do wrong?
The line that I highlighted inthis chapter was she said, I
have a friend who seems like themost secure person in the entire
world, but if you ask her, shewill tell you that she's often
(20:52):
terrified.
She just makes it by, she justmasks it by projecting security.
If she hadn't told me that fromher own lips, I wouldn't have
believed it, I have both seenpeople like that, and I think I
have been someone like thatwhere it's definitely a mask.
Like if, I keep sayingeverything's fine, it'll be
fine.
(21:12):
And I think it's kind of thatthing.
And I think Kelly, you'dmentioned too, imposter
syndrome.
Like if everybody thinks I haveit all together, then it'll be
perfect and everything's alltogether.
But how she said it about notrealizing what other people is
what got me thinking there'sother people that may have
insecurities like I do too, andI think they've got it all
together and it's not.
So, I don't know.
It's just one of those thingsthat really just makes me think.
(21:36):
Alexis, did you have anythingfrom this chapter?
Alexis (21:40):
I did.
Only a couple things that Icould relate to.
The part that she talks about,how they chose like a certain
evening every week.
Friday to keep it simple andthen like you wake up the next
morning and you're gonna belike, this is a terrible idea.
And that is my life to a tee,because I just get super.
(22:03):
I like things planned, but if Ihave to commit to it and then
that week is just crazy withwhatever happens and I have that
on my plate, it just feels sostressful.
And just even the franticcleaning like that is, that is
us.
If we're having people over,there's the frantic cleaning and
I've gotten better where I tryto do it sooner, and I've even
gotten to the point last year.
Where there were things I didn'tclean because we're not coming
(22:25):
inside.
I don't need to clean my house.
We're having a barbecue out onour deck.
So I feel like I've gottenbetter about it, but I could
relate to all that.
And it's not even necessarilyabout rejection.
It's just about this happeningto have things Perfect.
Which is ironic if you thinkabout it, right?
Because that's what we'reworking on.
That's where we've been.
I can relate to that.
I mean, when she was sayingthat, it's even just simple
(22:46):
things like committing tohelping out at church every,
Wednesday for months on end.
Wait, that's a lot.
What if we're sick?
My brain probably goes a littletoo far onto that, so I laughed
and I could relate to thatentire story.
Kelly (23:04):
I laughed when she said,
kale tastes like broken dreams.
Kristen (23:07):
Yes.
Sorry, Alexis.
Kelly (23:13):
I was like, oh, that line
probably hurt Alexis A.
Little.
She's like, no.
Alexis (23:20):
I giggled about it and I
thought, well, that's okay.
Some people may think that, andI can see where, I mean, it's
definitely not a brownie.
Let's be honest, it's not abrownie.
Right.
But if you're trying to get yourfruits and veggies in, I
personally like kale.
Kelly (23:34):
That's funny.
I related a lot to when she wasjust talking about them, making
it a point to invite peopleover.
Kristen (23:41):
Yes.
Kelly (23:42):
Because that is something
that we have done a lot of since
we moved a couple of years ago.
And kind of like she said, likewe just started by like, oh,
we've talked to this couple atchurch like a handful of times.
Let's just ask'em if they wannacome over for dinner on Friday.
We've made a habit of that and.
(24:02):
It has led to some reallybeautiful friendships.
Others like they've come over.
We've had a good time and thingshaven't necessarily grown into a
deep friendship, but that'sokay.
Not everyone has to be your bestfriend to still hang out on
occasion.
Kristen (24:20):
Well, yeah, and I think
overcoming the fear of rejection
is doing it more and more, likeif you're afraid of it, don't do
it.
But the more you do it and itworks out great, and then when
it doesn't, it's like, that'sokay.
You get more used to it, I don'tknow, you've gotta put yourself
out there.
You might get rejected.
Yeah.
But you won't die.
At least not that I, I don'tknow anybody who's died from it.
(24:42):
Line number seven.
My job is to keep people happyand make sure they like me.
Oh my gosh, you guys, I couldhave like highlighted this
entire chapter, but somebodyelse wants to go first with
something they found relatable.
Alexis (24:59):
I found the entire
chapter relatable.
The whole job situation, likeyou bend over backwards, and
then like life happens and youcan't do that anymore and then
all of a sudden you are the badperson because you're not, you
know, bending over backwards anddoing everything.
But like life happened andthere's circumstances that I
just can't do those things.
And it's hard because youeither, I think.
(25:23):
The thing that I liked the most,I think this was the chapter
where she talked about,basically she went to the her
counselor and the counselor'slike, well, you know, it's not
like there's a villain and agood person.
There's, you know, like you bothjust are at different places and
you are not working togetheranymore.
(25:43):
So you have to part ways.
And it's not necessarily thatyou did anything bad or they did
anything bad.
And I do think that there aretimes when, things happen there
is somebody that may havewronged somebody, but that may
not be the whole picture.
And so to see that perspectiveas somebody that's dealt with
their job and parting ways andlosing their job because of
some, health things and I couldnot just.
(26:07):
Be there at your beck and callall the time, but that doesn't
necessarily mean we're just at adifferent point and we can't
come to terms, you're not a badperson and I'm not a bad person.
I don't know, that really stuckwith me and it felt better, it
kind of felt a little bit ofclosure part of me losing, my
job in that entire situation.
Kristen (26:27):
I can see that.
Kelly (26:28):
I did note, yes, I agreed
with everything she said.
But she did mention beingwilling to own your mistakes
because sometimes it isn't justa matter of oh, well, they're
upset.
That's not my problem.
Yes, there are situations wherethat's true and we're not
responsible for the way peoplereact to things or if they take
(26:52):
something the wrong way.
But I also don't want to losesight of the fact that sometimes
I am going to mess up.
I'm gonna make mistakes.
I'm gonna hurt people's feelingssometimes unintentionally, I
hope.
But just being able to sometimestake a step back and recognize
that and then being willing toown it.
(27:14):
There's a difference betweenbreaking up with the idea of
people pleasing versus justbeing unwilling to own our
mistakes sometimes, if thatmakes sense.
Kristen (27:23):
Totally.
Kelly (27:25):
Yeah.
Kristen (27:26):
A few of the things I
highlighted, were things that I
felt like I wrote myself.
Like literally I felt like Jessreached out to my brain or my
journal and was like, oh, whatKristen said, this looks good.
I'll put it in my book.
Be all things to all peopleliterally feel that one.
It's embarrassing to admit howmuch I struggle with other
(27:48):
people's opinions of me.
I know better.
It's just a lot of work to dobetter it's only in the past few
years where I've tried to let goof really worrying about what
people think about me, I knowit's better, but it's almost
harder to do that because it'seasier to put it on somebody
else.
Like, oh, they just don't likeme, or Why don't they like me?
(28:10):
Just get all in your head, whichisn't healthy, but it's hard.
It's harder.
Hi, I'm Jess and I'm a peoplepleaser.
I also dabble in codependencyjust for fun.
I really want you to like me,and I really, really want you
not to be mad at me.
I also don't want you to feelanything icky, like, oh my gosh,
you guys, and I feel like it'smy responsibility, like if
somebody's.
(28:31):
Mad at me, or even if I thinkthey're mad at me, I go through
everything like, well, did I dothis?
What did I do that?
I spend so much time trying tofigure out what I did wrong to
make somebody mad at me.
When somebody isn't even mad atme, it's ridiculous.
And as I'm saying this all outloud, there's so many things I
need to work on.
I do think I'm getting betterthough.
And
Alexis (28:50):
I can relate to that
though, Kristen.
Everything you said, I couldrelate to all of that.
Kristen (28:55):
I really am working on
it.
Because I was even just tellingsomebody today, it's crazy.
I feel like I just don't careabout these things.
Like I'm apathetic and not in abad way.
I feel like I finally gotten toa place where I am becoming more
comfortable in my skin and notcaring as much about what people
think.
And it's such a.
Screening thing, like when I'mfocusing just on me, and that
(29:17):
sounds selfish, but when I'mfocusing just on me and not how
I think other people see me, I'mso much more relaxed.
It's exhausting thinking aboutwhat people might be thinking
about me even though they'renot.
But the last things in it were,she says, if you have to hide
parts of yourself to keep thepeace, if you have to minimize
(29:37):
your needs to make things work.
If you have to play a specificrole to stay friends, while you
might save the face of yourfriendship, it will be shallow
if we don't authentically showup in our relationships.
True belonging can't happen, andI think this is literally what
I've been basing my most recentjourney on, and even doing this
(29:58):
podcast.
This has been one of my.
Core values is authenticity andbelonging.
And this is maybe the fifth timeI've mentioned the Brene Brown
clip where she talks about thedifference of fitting in and
belonging.
'cause I feel like that's becomelike my life's motto.
But this really is it.
If you have to change anythingabout who you are to fit in with
(30:20):
the people you're around, that'snot true Belonging.
Belonging is when you show up,all of you, the good, the bad,
the messy, every single part ofyou.
And it all just works.
That's where you belong, whereyou're really a part of it and
you're not having to forceanything.
So for me, that was just likethe huge, huge lines out of this
(30:42):
chapter that's like, yes, that'swhat it is.
I will be authentically me.
The people who appreciaterespect and accept the authentic
version of me will be there andthe ones that aren't aren't for
me.
And that's okay because noteverybody is going to like me
and I don't need everybody tolike me.
(31:06):
Mic drop applause.
No thoughts on that, you guys.
Alexis (31:13):
Any thoughts?
I like that it, ties in withthis highlight from this
chapter.
Anytime you're confused, it'sbecause you're taking on someone
else's feelings your feelingsaren't confusing.
When you're worried about, whatother people might be thinking
or their feelings, it can.
Make you feel less confidentyou're in your head rather than
relaxing and enjoying who youare because who you are isn't
(31:38):
confusing.
Trying to be what everybody elsewants you to be is, you know,
doesn't mean we shouldn't changeand shouldn't grow, but trying
to fit in to be somebody thatyou're not is confusing
Kristen (31:50):
and doing it for other
people.
Like if you're gonna change, doit for yourself.
Do it for the right reasons.
Don't try to change because youthink it's what somebody else
wants you to be.
And I swear for 40 years of mylife, that's what I did.
And I am tired of being allthose other versions of Kristen
for everybody else.
Yeah.
(32:11):
All right.
Moving on from that passionatetopic this is line number eight.
Neighbors are weird.
All right.
Who wants to go first withsomething that stuck out to them
from this chapter?
Kelly (32:26):
I.
Noted the part where she'stalking about when she was
hanging out with a group ofkids, from her church and
realized that those people onlyhung out with, other church
kids.
That stuck out to me because Itoo am a follower of Jesus,
(32:50):
we're called to be a light tothe world, and how can we do
that if we're only eversurrounding ourselves with
church people?
I have made beautifulfriendships with people who
don't believe the same thing asme.
I think that's a good thing.
Like I think, hanging aroundpeople who, and, and not even
just religious things.
(33:12):
I have friends who haveextremely different political
views than me, but we've managedto work through it.
Imagine that you can actuallylike someone who doesn't see
politics the same way you do.
It's a miracle.
Being willing to branch out and.
Put yourselves in differentsettings, different groups, is a
(33:35):
really beautiful thing.
I was loving all of the GilmoreGirl references in this chapter.
I love how she was saying noteveryone is going to be a main
character in your story.
That's okay, but that doesn'tmean they're not important.
Kristen (33:54):
Yes.
When there were the Gilmore Girlreferences, I thought of you.
I was like, Kelly's gonna lovethis.
Kelly (33:59):
Oh, I loved it so much.
Alexis (34:01):
There was a lot of good
stories in this one.
I think the one about thepreacher being, you know, in the
small town and he was in asituation, but because he had
cared about the community.
It wasn't necessarily about, hisreligion or his church.
He just cared about the peoplein his community and he wanted
to help them and be there forthem and just get to know them.
(34:21):
And it, helped him in asituation.
So I really liked that.
I thought, you know, I like mylittle bubble.
I'm very much an introvert.
Being around a lot of people isexhausting.
It doesn't matter if I'mcomfortable or not, it's just
exhausting.
So I don't always love to do allsorts of things, but it would be
good for me to.
(34:43):
Make friends in my community.
Kristen (34:47):
I agree with you
Alexis.
She gave some good examples too,she talks about the connection.
Connection and belonging cancome from the places you least
expect if you open your heartand pay attention.
Our go-to move is choosing acoffee shop, preferably near my
house where I can become aregular.
Yes, I can make coffee at home,but I consider it a way to get
out at least three times a weekand connect with my community.
(35:09):
We all know I love my icedcoffee and my local coffee shop,
shout out to the wandering bean.
Love you guys.
And I'm there, pretty regularly,five days a week.
When you see those same peopleevery day, they may not be your
closest friends, but they candevelop into that.
I went to a surprise birthdayparty for one of them.
I've been invited to a babyshower for one of them, they're
(35:30):
the people I am buildingconnections with.
It all just came from showingup.
It's also the place where I goto meet friends and spend time
with friends I do live in asmall town, so anytime I'm
there, you know.
Not every time, but anytime myhusband and I go, he's always
like, you always know so manypeople, like, you know,
everybody in there.
I don't know everybody.
I just like to be connected andknow people.
(35:53):
There was a book I read lastyear and it was talking about,
how to find friends you havethree or four core locations
where you work, where you live,and a third location you have a
way to make connections at themain places in your life.
I love that she brought that up.
Kelly (36:09):
Yeah.
And the story about her dad andthat situation, with the rough
men and everything.
I also related that to when shetalked about the kids from her
church who would only hang outwith kids that were just like
them.
I was like, what if her dad hadthat mindset?
He would've never had thatprevious.
(36:29):
Situation where he made animpact on that family.
And so that night where thoseguys were going crazy outside of
his house could have turned outso differently, but because he
had put himself out there andshown love and concern for
people who were not like him, ithad a huge impact on that entire
night and how it all played out.
(36:52):
Yep.
Kristen (36:53):
Because it's like she
says, I'm telling you, getting
involved and showing up.
Matters.
To be a part of stuff, you haveto show up.
And I love that because, just achapter or two ago we're talking
about rejection, and now hereit's like you might get
rejected, but you've gotta atleast show up.
You can't be involved unless youshow up.
(37:13):
People might not like you, butyou still need to show up for
that connection.
So I love how all the chaptersare kind of building on each
other.
Which leads us to our finalchapter for this part, lie
number nine.
Asking for help is a terribleidea because then everyone is
going to know I need help.
(37:34):
I know the first line that I hadhighlighted was something I'd
mentioned earlier too, whichsays I can't do it all this is
too much, but if I don't do itmyself, it won't be done right.
I unfortunately have thatmindset where if you want
something done right, you haveto do it yourself.
At work especially, I've gottenbetter at delegating, but it is
still hard sometimes because Ijust think that if I want it
(37:58):
done my way, then I need to bethe one that does it.
Still working on it.
Kelly (38:04):
The first thing that
popped into my head with that
line was loading the dishwasher.
Because I feel like the way I doit just makes the most sense.
And so when it's not done thatway, I'm like, but we could have
fit more in here.
Or like, that's not gonna getcleaned well because of how
that's in there.
That was my first thought.
Kristen (38:23):
So here's a fun,
Kelly (38:24):
though.
Kristen (38:25):
Here's a fun story,
listeners, if you don't know.
Kelly married my brother, sheand my brother are very happy
together.
But the reason I bring this upis because I also, according to
my husband, am a terribledishwasher loader, and he will
actively come back and.
Unload what I put in so that hecan reload it in his crazy
(38:45):
Tetris way so that he can fitthe stuff that I left in the
sink into the dishwasher.
But the reason I bring up thatKelly is married to my brother,
because I don't know if he hastold you this, we really didn't
have a dishwasher growing up.
Like we clean off the table andthen I would do the dishes or my
mom would do the dishes.
Like we didn't have adishwasher.
It was like from 1960, whatever.
(39:06):
It worked sporadically, but soI'm wondering if maybe my
brother and I aren't theproblem.
We just were never taught how todo it properly,
Kelly (39:16):
I was gonna say, so what
I'm hearing is it runs in the
family that you guys don't knowhow to load a dishwasher also I
mean's genetic.
Kristen (39:22):
It's genetic in nature.
Nurture, I don't know, but wehave that in common.
Kelly (39:28):
Yeah.
I mean, we had a dishwasher inthe house I lived in until I was
10, but we didn't use it as adishwasher.
We just did them by hand andthat dishwasher was extra.
Pantry space.
So there's a fun fact.
Kristen (39:42):
Oh, it's airtight.
Actually.
Kelly (39:45):
I guess we didn't have a
big pantry, so I
Kristen (39:48):
love that.
Alexis, anything from thischapter that stood out
Alexis (39:52):
I have five kids and
homeschooling and my husband
being gone all the time.
I had to let go of some of that.
I had twins number four andfive, and towards the end of my
pregnancy, I couldn't even lockup the stairs.
I was just so big.
And then I had a C-section withthem and was dealing with an
(40:14):
infection afterwards, so I hadto let go and let my kids do a
lot more than they probablyshould have at that age.
But that's just where we were.
And then now they do chores,because I think it's good for
them.
I have had to let go because ifI did.
I would constantly becomplaining to them like, you
didn't do this right.
(40:34):
And that's not helpful for theirself-esteem or for them to
learn.
Obviously I can come alongsideif it's something really big and
say, Hey, let's do it this way,this time, but I kind of had to
let go of that, so I can relateto that.
I still feel that way aboutcertain things, like cooking, I
should teach my kids to cookmore, but I will just be faster
and can get it done.
(40:55):
Better if I do it, so I canrelate to some of that too.
Kelly (41:01):
Yeah.
I feel that I am trying to teachmy son that.
It's good for him to learn tohelp around the house and do
things, but I really struggle tohave the patience to let him do
the things.
Kristen (41:13):
It used to be that way,
decorating the Christmas tree
when my son was younger.
He wants to put ornaments on thetree and oh, he would be
terrible.
Like, here's 16 ornaments in theone spot.
He decided to put them.
And then I'm like, trying todiscreetly move them, oh, why
don't we put that one over here?
Wouldn't it be better over here?
It is, but at the same time it'slike he's making memories and
(41:34):
it's that balance of givingthem.
What they need and stilldeveloping them.
What I noticed too was shetalked about how asking for help
feels vulnerable and can bescary.
Even if people ask if they canhelp you, she doesn't want
people to be inconvenienced andthat leaves her scared, and it's
true.
Like it's one thing to ask forhelp, but if somebody else asks
(41:56):
if you need help, that's almostworse.
'cause then it's like, does itlook like I need help?
Do people think I'm failing?
What is happening right now?
It's just, it's so hard, one ofthe final things I'd highlighted
was, if we don't ask for help,something will snap eventually,
whether it's our mental healthor our physical health.
And that's the story I sharedearlier too.
You let it all bottle up andthen you just crack and then
(42:16):
you're not good for anybody.
It's probably easier to ask forhelp, but at the same time in
the moment, it's so hard to doit.
Alexis (42:24):
Yeah.
I like to help.
So I take on too much.
Because that's just mypersonality, then I realized,
I'm helping everybody else, butnow I need help.
And you don't wanna ask becauseyou've been helping everybody
else.
So you know that they're busyand it's a bad cycle.
Agreed.
Kelly (42:44):
I feel like I have gotten
better and I do okay with
accepting help, from certainpeople.
Like if my mom wants to comevisit and help me clean out my
basement, of course I'm gonnalet her do that.
But this random person that Ijust recently met at church,
wants to offer to help withsomething that feels harder.
She talked about not denyingpeople the opportunity to be a
(43:09):
blessing to us especially ifthey're offering to help.
Denying them that blessing youknow, God might have placed it
on their heart to help you insome way.
And when we deny them that,because we just think Nope, I'm
good.
I can do everything myself.
I don't think that's a goodthing.
I also noted I want to not onlybe willing to ask for help, but
(43:31):
to be a helper and even inlittle ways, looking for ways
that I can be a blessing toother people.
Kristen (43:38):
Yeah, I love that.
And it's kinda like what wetalked about last week too,
about seeing other people also,right?
Like, you know, I think it waschapter about, being visible,
but you know, validating otherpeople and seeing them and
complimenting them.
And I think it's kind of thatsame thing, Kelly just, allowing
the opportunity to help us andlook where we can be a help
also.
(43:58):
So I love that.
Any final thoughts or anythingyou wanted to bring up again
about, any of these lies beforewe wrap up?
All right, we are going into thefinal stretch of the book.
For next week we'll be goingover part three, which is the
lies that keep us from dreamingbig and living a full life, or
(44:21):
how to try things without fearof failure.
I am looking forward to thosebecause.
Failure is something, I am, Idon't wanna say I'm afraid, but
there is this quote that I oftensay, there's this line in an
Eminem song, Lose Yourself andthe line says, success is my
only mother effing option.
(44:43):
Failure is not.
I've made that my life's motto,not because of the profanity in
it, but because that's how I'vetreated my life.
Like success is my only option.
I cannot fail.
I will not fail.
I am not a failure.
Failing doesn't make me afailure, but you know, mental
stuff.
Fear of failure is something Ineed to read about.
(45:03):
I'm sure next week'sconversation we will have lots
to share.
Let me share the chapters we'regonna be going over for that
though.
In part three we will be goingover lies 10 through 14.
Lie number 10, I'm a juniorvarsity adult and the best spot
for me is usually the bench lienumber 11.
(45:25):
It's better not to try than tomess up in front of everyone.
Yeah, that's gonna be mychapter, you guys, line number
12.
I can't do that because no onedoes that.
Line number 13, if I can't gobig, I should just go home and
line number 14.
It's better to dream smallbecause then I won't be
(45:45):
disappointed.
It's another one that's probablygonna be big.
Any of those stand out to eitherof you that you're really
looking forward to reading thisweek?
Kelly (45:56):
I.
Started listening ahead a littlebit, and I already got through
line number 10 and I resonatedwith it so much.
So
Kristen (46:08):
What about you, Alexis?
Anything that you're superexcited about reading?
Alexis (46:12):
Probably line number 13,
if I can't go big, should just
go home.
Honestly, that's how I am with alot of stuff.
If I can't do it right.
Perfect.
Just forget it.
I'm not doing it.
Yeah.
Kristen (46:23):
Alright guys, this has
been wonderful.
I think this section of the bookmay have even been better than
last week, but they're all justso good and we're learning so
much and I appreciate you beinghere.
Listeners, as a reminder, youcan share your thoughts on the
chapters with us.
We would love to hear from you.
You can reach out to me onInstagram Facebook or email.
(46:45):
You can send voice memos or goto the Google Link in the Google
form in my bio and fill ininformation.
Share which chapters you'retalking about, comments you want
us to know, and if you want usto share it on the pod or not.
So, all right guys, well, we'lldo this again next week when we
discuss part three.
Talk to you then.
(47:07):
Bye.