Episode Transcript
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Kristen (00:01):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back.
It is week two of our virtualbook club and I have Kelly and
Alexis back.
Hey Kelly.
Hey guys.
Hey Alexis.
Hi everybody.
Today we're gonna be discussingpart one of the book, perfect Is
(00:23):
Boring and Tastes Like Kale byJess Johnson.
If you aren't caught up listento the first episode.
We talk about what the book isabout, some first impressions, a
little bit of overview, and somereally funny comments.
So you don't wanna miss thatepisode.
If you are caught up on partone, which is lies one through
five, join us now and we're justgonna talk about the book and
(00:44):
what we thought about it.
Answer some questions.
And if you didn't read the book,you are still welcome here'cause
I think there's gonna be a lotof great truth to apply to your
life.
So we will jump right in.
we talked last week aboutexpectations of the book, what
we thought it was gonna beabout.
did it meet your expectations?
Was it different?
What were your first thoughts aswe delved into the material?
(01:06):
Alexis, do you wanna go first?
Alexis (01:09):
Yeah, I have loved the
first five, lives.
I've laughed out loud andgiggled so much that it was
worth it just for that becauseif a book can make me laugh, I'm
sold for good, I'm there.
Mm-hmm.
So, There was, I, I reallyenjoyed that aspect of it, but
there's so many good nuggets ofinformation that got me thinking
(01:34):
and validating things I'vealready thought.
it's almost like it's okay tothink that, and there's nothing
wrong with me.
I really enjoyed that aspect
Kristen (01:44):
That's awesome.
I remember last week when wetalked, you were nervous about
the book'cause you're like, Idon't really do self-help books.
I don't know what they're gonnatell me.
So are you feeling differentlynow?
Alexis (01:56):
Yes.
it's definitely not what I wasconcerned with.
I don't see that at all.
I'm really enjoying it.
That's awesome.
Kristen (02:03):
Kelly, over to you.
First impressions or thoughts orlike any huge things that stood
out to you from different thatyou might have been thinking
last week?
Kelly (02:13):
So, yeah, I was not
expecting to laugh out loud
either.
I definitely had some moments.
I think we said last week, I'mlistening on Audible, and is
just the one reading it,
Kristen (02:25):
is the author the
narrator?
Yes.
Kelly (02:26):
Yes, she is.
So that's fun.
I was listening to it todaywhile working and I was having a
good time laughing but then Ialso found myself.
several times being like, Hmm,yeah, like, that hits home.
That's me.
I relate.
and there were just a lot ofthings she said that had me like
thinking wow.
(02:47):
Like why, why am I so hard onmyself in that way?
Or why do we so easily jump tothinking those things about
ourselves?
So it was good.
Kristen (02:58):
I agree with both of
you.
I'm not doing the audio version,but I.
Feel her reading it to me I feellike I'm having a conversation
with a friend.
she's sharing her stories andtalking with me, and I feel like
she gets me.
I think, Alexis, you said, Ifeel like I'm not the only one.
other people feel that way too?
I'm not just crazy or someweirdo.
(03:19):
So it's kind of that validationof it's okay to have those
insecurities and believe thelies.
I mean, I shouldn't be believingthe lies because they're lies.
But to realize that I'm not theonly one that has those
struggles.
So for anyone who doesn't havethe book handy, I'm gonna go
over what the first five lieswere that we read, then, ask
(03:40):
questions part one, these arelies that keep us from loving
ourselves as we are or becomingan imper perfectionist.
So line number one is today I'llbe perfect.
Line number two, I have to keepup with the Kardashians and also
my neighbor, Tammy, line numberthree, they forgot my name
(04:01):
again, and I think I mightactually be invisible.
Lie number four, I'm going toneed to shrink, suck it all in,
quiet down, and possiblydisappear lie.
Number five, pretending to befine is the same thing as being
fine.
which one of those lies feltmost familiar to each of you?
Alexis (04:25):
line number one today,
I'll be perfect.
Felt familiar.
maybe line number four, I'mgonna need to shrink, suck it
in.
really relate to that one too.
both hit home.
Kelly (04:36):
Yeah.
lie number one, I took a lot ofnotes on that one really set in
with me also lie number two, thecomparison game basically, was
what that was about.
And, I think that's really easyto fall into especially with
today's world and social media.
Kristen (04:54):
Yeah.
similar to both of you.
Number one was my big one.
I think that's where I had themost highlights in notes,
although I have through all ofthem.
number five hit me pretending tobe fine is the same as being
fine.
just last week, I'd written amonthly note to my organization
Boost their morale fill them inon things.
but I had actually said, youknow, I'd start it by saying,
(05:16):
how are you doing?
You know, how are you reallydoing?
so many times we go around andpeople say, oh, how are you?
And we say, I'm fine.
it's just a natural response.
but maybe more often than not,we're not really fine.
I don't know if anyone's seenthe movie, the Italian job, but
they talk about, fine stands forfreaked out, insecure, neurotic,
and Emotional.
in the email I comment aboutthat and I was like, unless
(05:38):
we're talking about this way andfine, in which case I am often
freaked out insecure, neuroticand emotional.
so those are the ones that kindof stuck out to me.
the most outta the ones we readthis time.
so the next question is, How dowomen, especially those juggling
careers and expectations,internalize these lies?
Kelly (06:01):
for me, life has felt
like so much, especially these
last few months.
I'm not gonna lie, I've been onthe struggle bus, in a lot of
areas.
And I think when we are jugglingall the things and we're very
busy, it's easy to get caught upand feel alone the day-to-day
(06:23):
lies we tell ourselves when busyIt's easy to fall into.
Like I'm the only one.
Yes.
Kristen (06:31):
it becomes a recurring
statement.
when we start saying toourselves, I'm not enough, it's
not going to get better.
You know, all that negativitywhen we don't have different
outlets or we already do feeldisconnected from others, that's
kind of all we hear.
It becomes even more reinforcedbecause it's the only thing
going on over and over
Alexis (06:52):
I think there's a
reason, women stayed home for so
long obviously there says nojudgment on any woman that works
out of the home.
Mm-hmm.
Because I have been that person.
But I think there is a reasonwhy for years women stayed home
with kids and didn't workoutside the home.
Because as we all know, when youbegin working outside of the
(07:16):
home, plus you have kids.
And in my instance, and Kelly,like if you're homeschooling on
top of that, it's like threejobs in one.
it can be incredibly lonely andexhausting to the point that you
can't even, have anyself-reflection because you have
to get the next thing done.
And that can really mess withCreating a lot of the lies and
(07:40):
problems we see especially withsocial media, you see everybody
online.
think they have it all together,they're working, doing this, and
that when really they're not.
as I was reading and thinkingabout it, before I lost my job I
was struggling for a yearhanging on by a thread my
husband's like, you are sostressed.
I'm barely hanging on I have somuch work Home is insane.
(08:03):
Forget everything else.
Like I don't have time to thinkabout this and try to fix
anything because I just have toget the next thing done.
Something I think women thatwork outside the home, even if
you work inside the home, we allknow that that internet itself
be really lonely too.
you struggle with those things.
Kristen (08:22):
Yeah.
you're right social media makesit worse.
I can't remember which chapterit was that Jess started.
It may have been the one aboutkeeping up with Kardashians.
my neighbor Tammy, she wakes upgets on her phone sees what
everybody's doing and herhusband's like, Hey, are you
getting up?
that happens to me'cause myalarm goes off.
I'm not ready to get up yet.
Let me check my email, Facebook,Instagram.
(08:43):
And when I'm starting my daylike that, it's already setting
me up in that mindset of likeseeing whether people are doing
and doing the comparison andit's not healthy.
And I need to get away from thatwhere either I just get up.
Or, or I don't.
But like you, you can't do that.
And I think, other things you'vesaid too about whether you are
(09:04):
working in the home or workingout of the home or not working,
there's still so much that goeson that women are responsible
for.
And one of the other chapters Ithink talked about women being
the chief worry officer fixingeverything.
And yes, there's so many timeswe can't fix anything or we're
so burned out and just mentallyexhausted just trying to survive
(09:27):
and get through the day.
There's nothing we can do.
And Kelly, I think you mentionedabout being disconnected or,
that feeling.
Do either of you, I.
Have suggestions of how you cankind of get outta that head
space when you're like that.
how can you get yourself to aplace where you feel more
connected to others where youcan move on from the stress and
(09:50):
burnout feelings?
Kelly (09:54):
for me, it's been a
matter of actual connection not
just faking connection Throughsocial media.
we bash social media all thetime.
it has its place.
like you said, she woke up andshe's scrolling her phone, some
months ago, I took my socialmedia apps off my phone because
(10:17):
I was starting my day that way.
I am not a morning person, soI'm not the person whose alarm
goes off and I just jump rightup
Kristen (10:26):
and
Kelly (10:26):
I have three alarms and
snooze
Kristen (10:27):
all of them.
after 47 minutes, I am ready to,
Kelly (10:32):
I need to lay there and
come to I would immediately
reach for my phone and startdoom scrolling.
we have that false sense ofconnection through social media
but I was finding that was justcreating so much noise in my
brain, that it wasn't leaving.
Headspace for me to reach outand talk to a friend and have a
(10:55):
real one-on-one conversationbecause I had all this other
noise in my head.
so I removed my social mediaapps, removing so much of that
scroll time is helpful I made anote when she talked about that
part where her husband comes outand is like, are you gonna get
up?
And she's like, I don't havetime for this.
And he's like, what are youtalking about?
(11:17):
and I just made a note that likemy husband, you know, like he's
on social media only onFacebook.
he'll scroll but I don't thinkit has the same impact on him
and other men, I just don'tthink he falls into that
comparison game.
As hard as we women tend to dowhen we're scrolling those apps
(11:38):
and seeing all these things.
so that's one thing for me hasbeen trying to cut down social
media time, to remove some ofthat noise in my head.
and making more time and beingmore intentional with having
real conversations with myfriends, whether that's through
text or voice memos'cause wedon't necessarily have time to
(12:00):
be on the phone chatting we'llsend voice memos back and forth,
and have meaningfulconversations I can send a voice
memo and be like, I amstruggling today.
getting that out versusinternalizing it.
'cause I was doing that for awhile and it's not healthy.
Kristen (12:16):
one of the later
chapters talks about, sucking it
in and shrinking are there anymoments from your past where you
now realize you were shrinkingto fit in?
Alexis (12:26):
Yeah, I think there's
been a couple times in my past,
in certain work situations Ijust have not said what I felt
was right because you don'twanna upset the boss and lose
your job.
But I do think it would've beenbetter had I spoken up and said
it in a tactful respectfulmanner.
(12:47):
I think for me, those were thepoints I thought about and
noticed.
Kristen (12:51):
Kelly, any time you can
think of?
Kelly (12:54):
I don't know if it's
really me shrinking myself, so
much as like me just trying tofit in.
Mm-hmm.
Like, I don't wanna stand outtoo much.
I am not someone who keeps upwith trendy clothes.
I just wanna be comfortable.
(13:15):
and so there have been timeswhere like, I'll go to something
or I'm like hanging out with agroup of people and they're very
into trends, I feel good aboutmyself when I'm getting dressed
and leaving the house, but thenI like get to where I'm going
and I look around and I'm like,oh, I could never pull that off.
I could not wear that.
I'm comparing myself and hopingnobody's paying attention to
(13:38):
what I'm wearing.
I don't feel like I look nearlyas cute as these other people,
even though I would never wearwhat they're wearing.
and so just situations like thatwhere I like, I feel like I
don't belong, I don't fit in I'msilently hoping no one's
actually paying attention to me.
Kristen (13:56):
Well, and it's funny
'cause I think that's probably
an actually really commonfeeling because you know, we're
told, from a young age, be anindividual.
express yourself, but then fitthis mold and belong and fit in
with everybody else.
And they're mixed messaging ofwhat are you really supposed to
do?
Is it okay to stand out?
But then if you stand out,you're kind of looked down upon,
(14:17):
like you need to make yourselffit into it.
it's funny how Kelly, youmentioned clothes and Alexis,
you mentioned work.
'cause when I was trying tothink of a situation, one kind
of came to mind that kind ofcovers both I'm really a girly
girl.
I like skirts, wear sparkleshoes love glitter and hot pinks
even in my forties, I'm really agirly girl.
(14:39):
early in my career, and actuallymultiple times through I've, I
had a friend who tell me, you'reprobably gonna have to change
yourself.
people aren't gonna take youseriously if that's how you are
at work.
it hurt me.
we've been told to expressourselves be who you are do what
you want.
it bothered me, why should Ichange who I am to be accepted
early in my career, I went to acourse about, women in the
(15:00):
workplace or being a woman.
I, I don't remember, but I, Iremember what I was wearing
though.
I thought my outfit was so cute.
I had on this little gray skirtand it was probably knee length,
maybe right above my knee.
I had on this purple sweaterthat had like an argyle print
right across the chest.
And then I had these, knee socksthat.
(15:22):
Had like a little argyle patternaround the top that like matched
the sweater and these littleblack, like Mary Jane shoes.
I thought I was adorable.
this was the early to mid twothousands.
Like it may not have been superon trend, but like preppy was
still really in then.
So it, it was, and I was 22, 23at the time.
So really it worked for what Iwas, so I'm in this course and I
(15:46):
remember the Q Mind, the outfitdidn't really have a lot to do
with what I'm about to tell you,but it's good to set the stage.
after the course I had, I hadstayed back to talk to the
teacher.
'cause I was really interested,you know, like how can I be
taken more professional in theworkplace?
And I meant it as I'm 23, 22,whatever, I'm around all these
older people, like how can I betaken seriously?
(16:08):
And she told me to considerchanging my voice and what I
wear.
I was.
Heartbroken.
my response to her was, well, Iwas a communication major.
I actually had a course in voicein articulation, so this is my
voice.
but anyway, I was, I was soheartbroken by that because I
(16:29):
just felt like that's the adviceyou're giving someone.
new to the working world rightout of school.
And you're basically saying,change everything about you.
Change how you talk, look, whatyou're wearing, like you're
never gonna make it.
by the way, lady who taught thatclass, I'm, doing quite well for
myself and still wearing skirtstalking the way I do, so thank
you.
while I'm more comfortable withwho I am, in that sense, that
(16:49):
was really hard for me because Iwas like, well, how am I
supposed to fit in?
So, a long rambling story to saythat I have felt like I've had
to shrink myself because ofcomments by other people.
But I have chosen to ignorethose comments and still be me
for the most part.
Good for you.
Alexis (17:08):
Thanks.
that's really good.
Also, Kristen, can we talk aboutthe girl after my own heart?
the knee socks, Mary JanesTheile sweater.
if I could get away with itwhich I probably could if I
really wanted to, but let's bereal.
I'm not gonna do that and drawthose kind of attention.
I would still wear that.
Kristen (17:25):
Oh, a hundred percent.
I have more sweaters like thatnow.
I have dropped the knee socks.
'cause I feel like that's kindof.
School girl only fans kind ofstuff.
Yeah.
That I'm not, yeah, not readyfor time gets tough.
I'm not saying I'm above that,but
Alexis (17:45):
you just feel like that,
which is why I don't necessarily
like Right.
Would go for that, but the skirtand the sweater, absolutely.
Kristen (17:52):
A hundred percent.
Always a good look.
I feel like it's very classic Sothat's kind of high level stuff,
but now I wanna get into thedeep stuff.
we all took notes, got littlehighlights.
Can we go through each chapterand share, one or two, things
that stood out or specificthings you read earlier this
week when you were reading itthat you're like, Hey, it's been
several days since I read it andthis is still standing out to
(18:14):
me.
So, line number one, as wementioned earlier, is titled
Today.
I'll Be Perfect.
in this chapter, what stood outto you that you'd wanna share?
Alexis (18:28):
This one's ridiculous,
but I related to it face turns
bright red.
After any physical exertion, youmight think she needs a
hospital.
She does not.
It's just her face.
So I, this is like something Ihave always had and everybody's
like, it's ro rosacea.
I'm like, I don't think it'srosacea since I've had it since
I was little.
I remember being pregnant withmy twins and had to go to the
(18:52):
hospital to be checked on forpreeclampsia.
And the nurse specifically waslike, well, your blood
pressure's great.
Your heart rate's fine, but yourcheeks are really red.
And so ever since then, I'vealways known my cheeks are red.
I still think about that Thepast 10 years, I'm like, what
makeup can I cover it up with?
(19:13):
finally, in the past, sixmonths, I just said, I'm done
trying to cover it up.
I'm not gonna do it anymore.
I just don't care.
This is who I am.
But it has stuck with me.
people don't have red cheekslike I have.
we could say it's natural blush,but let's be real.
It's beyond that.
it stuck with me and I canrelate to a lot of that.
Kristen (19:33):
I thought you guys
would laugh if I said that was
the line I'd highlighted my facesays that.
But also my arms, especially myupper arms are.
Almost always red.
And I cannot tell you how manytimes people are like, oh, looks
like you got some sun.
I'm like, no, this is just myskin.
if I'm too hot, cold orstressed, my arms neck and chest
get red it's just me.
(19:55):
I'm very self-conscious of it.
So I highlighted that part.
Alexis (19:59):
can be self-conscious
together because if I'm stressed
it's like blushing, but itdoesn't go away for a while.
And you're like, okay, I need itto go away.
Yes.
Kelly (20:09):
when she, in line number
one, she was saying like, I.
We will have these momentsduring the day where we're
thinking if only I were fill inthe blank.
Mm-hmm.
And then on the flip side, she'slike saying the opposite.
Like, oh, but then that person,if only I were this.
And it just reminded me thatlike so often we think if this
(20:32):
or that was different, that wewould be better.
but in reality, the people whoare those things that we're
probably like wishing like ifonly this, the people who are
those things are probably havingsimilar thoughts, but like vice
versa, like the opposite.
just as an example, the curlyhaired girl wants straight hair
(20:53):
and the straight haired girlwants curly hair.
each one thinks if only I hadthe opposite, things would be
easier my hair would lookbetter.
it's easy to think the grass isgreener on the other side we
think that's what we need to bemore content, but we have to
learn to be content with wherewe are Like Alexis with her
skin, she has come to justaccept that and be content with
(21:17):
that and not feeling the need tochange it and cover it up with
makeup and, you know, and, andit's not to say we should settle
in areas where we could be doingbetter.
if you're struggling with,laziness that's not to say we
should just well I'm a lazyperson.
It is what it is.
No, but the things that aretruly part of who we are that we
(21:38):
can't change.
We've gotta learn to be morecontent with that.
Kristen (21:44):
Yeah.
if you have straight hair,you're always going to have
straight hair.
you can permit, curlers,whatever.
But you're right when youfocusing on things that you can
change vice things that youcan't.
And I love the part two.
'cause Yeah, she talks about,you know, everyone has, on the
surface level, our hair's tooflat, too curly, stringy.
hips too wide, womanly, narrow,boyish.
everybody wants what somebodyelse has because that's what
(22:06):
we're looking at.
And she, I think this is achapter, she introduces her
friendship with her friendAubrey.
And she said, with Aubrey, Ifelt at ease in my own skin and
I began opening up about mystruggles.
do you have a friend like that?
while we're trying to impresspeople even strangers and fit in
Do you have close friends whereyou can be yourself and you
(22:28):
don't feel like you're beingjudged?
And it's okay to have your flawsand not be perfect.
Do you have those friends?
Alexis (22:36):
Kristen, you are my
friend I can be who I want and
whatever, and do that.
And obviously, you know, we livefar away.
Mm-hmm.
But I can just be, and I don'tfeel like I have to shield some
of me away.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
you probably are that friend atthis point.
(22:57):
I do have one other friend I'mthat way with.
but it's a bit different withher.
Anybody close that I See face toface.
I don't, which is kind of sadactually.
Kristen (23:08):
Yeah, and I feel that
way with you too because there
is the distance between us wedon't have to put up airs and
show we're something we're not.
because of the time we've knowneach other, it's like this is
what it is.
you know me enough that I don'thave to hide who I am and you
know, enough of my history thatit's not like I'm trying to
pretend I'm something I'm not.
And I think for me it does taketime because even in friendships
(23:31):
that I may consider closefriendships, I think I'm still
guarded a little ways that I'mnot ready for them to fully see
who I am I still feel I have toimpress them or I care more
about other people.
I'm focused on how they're doingand what's going on with their
lives and less about being ableto open up about myself.
Alexis (23:53):
Yeah, makes sense.
I also wonder if it's because welive together.
we didn't live in the exact sameroom, but we we're around each
other's habits, so we knew thatfrom college.
I wonder if that has anything toplay into it
Kristen (24:04):
Kelly, Do you have
those people in your life?
Kelly (24:07):
I didn't always, but over
the last four years I've found
my people it is wonderful Ihave, a good bit of friends that
like I, well there'sacquaintances and there's
friends and I'm still likesometimes having to remind
myself of that difference.
(24:28):
I have.
a couple of friends, some faraway, and some here.
I have nothing to try to impress'em with.
I have a friend here who had ababy in March she was going
crazy one week, needed to getout she's on maternity leave.
I just need a change of scenery.
(24:49):
I'm working, but you are welcometo come over sit on my couch and
look out my window I can chatwith you while I'm on my laptop.
my house is kind of a mess.
what you see is what you get shecame over, I was in bright pink
sweatpants, a sweatshirt thatdid not match hair all over the
place.
I don't even know if I hadbrushed it zits all over my face
(25:11):
because I've been having a realtime with stress lately and I'm
breaking out.
And I was just like, Hey, comeon in.
I didn't feel worried about thator like, Ugh, I'm a mess.
I can't believe I'm letting hersee me like this.
we're just on that level and itwas fine.
it is really great if you, evenjust have one of those people in
(25:31):
your life.
Kristen (25:33):
Yeah.
the thing she said that I wantedto bring up before we move on
she said, connection is found inour real, not our perfect.
We're not going to feelbelonging if we don't show up as
who we are.
she also said you're caring toomuch, give yourself permission
just be you that was reallypoignant.
Alexis (25:53):
I love that.
There's a lady that I followthat she really says like, you
know, we have to give up thisidea that your house has to be
clean and you have to be puttogether.
you want people with you in thetrenches where you can say, can
you come over and help me, cleanmy house.
I could never do that.
it would be mortifying.
(26:14):
But if you can find that friendto help you you know, He's made
the best friend because you canbe who you are and you can allow
even your messy house and youare crazy.
And like you said, Kelly, just,you know, not having brushed
your hair or maybe in my casesome days, maybe not even gotten
dressed and until, you know, 11o'clock.
(26:36):
And I just think that connectionis, it's, it is really
important.
So when you can find it, it isworth it.
Kelly (26:45):
Yeah, for sure.
one more thing I noted, when sheintroduced Aubrey was the idea
of when Aubrey says like, howare you doing?
And she's like, just realizingshe doesn't always have to say
I'm good.
everything's great.
we don't necessarily have tospill all the nitty gritty but
we also don't always have to sayI'm good.
Things are good.
(27:06):
Yes.
because like, if we are willingto just be real and honest, that
opens the door for the otherperson maybe they're struggling
with something, but when we dothis surface level Hey, how are
you?
I'm really good.
it makes them feel they have tofake a smile and not make you
(27:26):
uncomfortable with their answerto that question if they're
feeling like they wanna behonest.
So if we go first and we openthat door, it's gonna make it
easier for other people whenthey may need to really kind of
just spill things.
Kristen (27:42):
we need to make that
the new normal.
it's okay to not say, I'm fine,I'm good, I'm wonderful.
Like it's okay to be like, Hey,today's not a great day.
Not doing great.
Thank you for asking.
you could go into more dependingon the friendship, but no
obligation to share beyond that.
We get used to being honest byanswering that question.
society would do better if wewere more honest about how we're
(28:04):
doing.
We wouldn't feel like everybodyelse is perfect.
And we are the mess ups here,right?
we'd be like, oh, you're havinga bad day too.
let's talk about our bad days.
And bond over that and bevulnerable with people.
Alexis (28:18):
I do think it's really
good, but be prepared for people
to look at you like you havefour eyes.
it might have been a woman'slike, Thing that we did, and we
were talking about somethingbasically like being honest.
When somebody asks you like,how's your day?
Or how are you doing?
Just to say, I'm good.
When really you're not, you'renot being honest.
You're not being honest withthem.
You're not being honest withyourself.
(28:40):
last year a friend asked me howthey were doing and I just said,
I'm not really that great, butit's okay.
I'm getting through it and itwas not what they were looking
for.
almost like I had four eyes andwent off the script,
Kristen (28:53):
you didn't follow the
pre-planned conversation you
were supposed to have.
Alexis (28:59):
just keep in mind it may
not go how you think but there's
nothing wrong with continuingdoing it even when people look
at you crazily.
It's crazily even a word.
I dunno.
Yeah,
Kristen (29:11):
totally.
It's the adverb form of crazy.
The act of being crazy crazily.
Love it.
All right, line number two is Ihave to keep up with the
Kardashians and also myneighbor, Tammy, things that
stood out from this chapter oritems to discuss.
Alexis (29:32):
It didn't have a lot
from this chapter, so I might
have something when you guyshave yours,
Kristen (29:37):
one of the things I'd
highlighted was, she's talking
about, she's in the grocerystore and she said, the music
takes over my body and I'm inaisle nine, reliving my clubbing
days, and my kids are screamingto stop.
I have no desire to stop grocerystore dancing.
Sorry, kids.
I highlighted that because lastweek we talked about dancing in
the store.
sometimes Walmart radio has myjams and I find myself moving to
the music.
Kelly (29:58):
Yeah, that part made me
laugh.
but for that chapter, just whatI jotted down was the part about
social media I think so much ofthe comparison game we play
today comes from, all thosethings we see there, I've had
friends talk about it and seenpeople on social media.
it's just if you have likecertain accounts where you're,
(30:19):
especially finding yourselffalling into that comparison
game, like whether it's someoneyou follow who's, you know, got
a really awesome house oranything that's triggering, just
pages that cause you to fallinto that comparison game it's
okay to unfollow those pages.
(30:40):
even if Absolutely.
Someone you know, on Facebook,you can unfollow their stuff so
it doesn't show up in yournewsfeed.
On Instagram, you can mute themso their stuff is not in your
feed.
a little trick for you.
Alexis (30:53):
That is a good one.
You can do that for politicstoo.
I just had to say that Withpolitics, I don't wanna ruin a
friendship, I love that.
If you have that permission, I'mprobably the opposite in that
there are certain things that Iwant to, but like even just,
(31:14):
shopping I don't like to shop.
I don't love, like I look atpeople's houses and think, oh,
that'd be nice.
But I realized a long time ago,that's not my reality, and I'm
okay with that.
we chose to have a big familyand for me, to stay home.
traveling and having a nice,house.
I'm happy for you, but that'snot my, lane that's why maybe
(31:36):
this chapter didn't really hitme as much.
it made me more of what my bodylooks like and like how I
present myself
Kristen (31:46):
towards the end of the
chapter she says, don't buy into
the lie that you have to keep upor blend in your lane is the
perfect path for you.
Don't look around, you don'tworry if you're moving slow
while everyone else is movingfast.
Don't stress that no one elseseems to struggle with that.
One thing you struggle with.
made me think of a race analogy.
we all have our own lanes.
going at our own pace, it's notabout who gets to the end first.
(32:10):
It's about finishing your race.
that's hard because you seeother people whether it's, they
got married first, or they havekids first, or they have this
great career and I'm just inthis entry level job.
Like when we look at what otherpeople have, we think that we
are not doing it right.
Everybody's path is differentand it's important to focus on
(32:30):
you and appreciate what youhave.
I think one of the other thingsshe said, it was, you know,
matter how impressive the realor the pictures or their
vacation or what other peopleare doing on social media.
She wouldn't trade it for whatshe has in her life, as
unglamorous as it may be.
And it's true, like I may notbe, climbing Everest or spending
(32:50):
every weekend at the beach, butbeing at home with my husband
and my son watching the NBAplayoffs games, like that's
where I wanna be.
That's my happy place.
And it may not be for everybody,but it's my life and it's good
for me.
Kelly (33:06):
Yeah.
I've been struggling the lastfew months.
finding contentment in my lane.
Not even social media asidebecause really it hasn't had
anything to do with that kind ofcomparison.
But just, like the fact that Ido work a full-time job and I'm
also homeschooling that likemakes our homeschooling journey
(33:29):
look a lot different than like alot of my friends who
homeschool.
they don't work.
so they have time freedom tojust like, oh, we're gonna go
here this day and we're gonna godo this or whatever.
they have extra time to throwin, various activities mixed
(33:50):
into their curriculum ourhomeschooling journey doesn't
look like that, academically,he's thriving, but I don't
always have the time to be like,oh yeah, we're gonna go to this
outing with this group, or thisor that.
I can't always be, I have aflexible work schedule, but I'm
not always available to do allthose extra things.
And so I found myselfquestioning am I, am I hurting
(34:14):
him by having him home?
And my husband's like, he's nothurting, like he's thriving.
He's a year ahead in math.
he's doing great.
Our situation just looksdifferent than the other people
around us, and I'm reallystruggling to be like, that's
okay.
Like our journey looksdifferent, but that's okay.
(34:34):
I laughed out loud when shetalked about the homeschooling
thing, because I am never goingto be the homeschooling mom who
is doing like bread doughletters and tree branches.
like we're not doing thatbecause I probably have a
meeting to clock in for soon.
(34:54):
So we're not getting the doughout.
but yeah, so just in fulltransparency, that part stuck
out to me a lot because that'ssomething that I have been
walking through and strugglingwith comparing our journey to
others and just trying to findcontentment.
I even went through a pointwhere I was like maybe I should
just send him to school.
(35:14):
But ultimately I know this isjust the season that God has us
in and it's okay.
It's okay that it looksdifferent.
Kristen (35:23):
I think just talking
about it is helpful too because
it's one thing to tell yourselfit's okay, this is our journey.
But being able to say it outloud and how you were kind of
just vulnerable there sayingthat even you're struggling with
it and it's something thatyou're working on.
I think that has healingproperties too, that because
Alexis and I can, reaffirm thatfor you, like, yeah, Kelly,
(35:44):
you're doing fine.
You're making the choice that'sright for your son and your
family and it doesn't have tolook like everybody else's
because his memories are gonnabe with the time you did spend
with him and what you guys diddo together.
And that's more time than he'sgonna get than if he was away at
school.
what you're doing is perfect foryour family
Alexis (36:03):
I'm Kelly.
as somebody that has alwayshomeschooled my kids.
My oldest is now a sophomore.
for a long time, I didn't work.
I had my own business, butdidn't work during school days.
We never did activities.
There was no way I was doing thesalt dose stuff.
I am a get our bookwork done,enjoy the rest of the day doing
(36:24):
whatever you wanna do and what Iwanna do, that sounds selfish,
but I am not that person.
I have never been that person.
I have to talk myself intolooking at the activities in our
homeschool group each month andliterally talk myself into going
because I don't love, Dynamic,it's getting kids out the door.
(36:45):
if I had to send my kids toschool every morning, we would
not make it just know you arenot alone I can relate 100%
while you are working and itbeing even worse.
whatever you see on YouTube orin other people, it's okay.
There are plenty like youworking in my former job, I
spent five years on the phonehelping homeschool families with
curriculum and stuff and theamount of women that are working
(37:09):
and even men and homeschoolingtheir kids.
Significant, especially sinceCovid and they all struggle with
the same thing.
I actually heard this come up alot, so you are not alone It's
okay.
thank you for
Kristen (37:21):
So moving on to line
three.
They forgot my name again Ithink I might be invisible.
Thoughts or quotes that stoodout
Alexis (37:32):
at the very end she
says, be the kind of woman who
sees other women.
be the kind of person who seesother people, because I don't
think there's a single otherthing that will make you feel
less insignificant.
I really, just loved that andbasically taking more time to.
See other people and complimentthem and make them feel
(37:57):
included.
I struggle with that because I'mtrying to shrink a little when
I'm out.
But if you take time to seeother people and acknowledge
them, it's helpful for you andthem.
it can build friendships or justmake somebody feel good that
day, I really like that.
Kristen (38:12):
Yeah.
I love that.
I try to share stuff like thaton my Instagram too when I see
other people posting things.
you've seen things like, womenneed to build other women up.
look for the woman who's gonnatalk about you in a room when
you're not there.
in a good way, I think it's soimportant, there's mean girl
mentality everywhere.
Still.
That's a whole episode initself.
But having women, supportingother women and even other
(38:33):
people.
the quote before the one youread Alexis, was she said,
rather than waiting to be seen,we can make sure we see the
people around us, giving them aninvitation to engage.
I see you.
I remember you, you are notinvisible like you said, it's
important not necessarily aboutus being seen or in the
spotlight.
(38:53):
It's, it's so much more aboutlifting up others and seeing
them and acknowledging wherethey are and bringing them to
the table and uplifting them.
you get so much more when givingto others that was my key
takeaway from this chapter.
moving on to line four.
Line four says, I'm going toneed to shrink, suck it all in,
(39:13):
quiet down, and possiblydisappear.
Oh,
Alexis (39:18):
this one, is relevant to
the live, but the snowboarding
story had me.
I almost spit out my coffeereading that because it was
hilarious I'm cringing because Iknow when she starts this out
that she either A, has neversnowboarded and she's just
(39:40):
saying this to get this guy, orB, she's just really terrible at
it, but she really likes thesky.
And I just, I'm sorry, but I, Ihad laughed so much so that that
right there was just, it was thebest part.
For me,
Kelly (39:56):
I don't remember.
I'm not a good note taker.
I feel this quote was from thischapter.
she said, I don't care how old Iget or how healthy I am, there
are still rooms I walk into thatbring me right back to that
acute feeling of I don't belonghere.
Followed by a wave of shame as Icomplete the sentence, I don't
(40:19):
belong here because I am notblank enough.
that resonated with me so much.
Kristen (40:28):
Yes.
I can feel as confident as Iwant, amped up to go somewhere
or an event But then when I getthere, it's like I am that
scared little girl again why amI here?
Nobody's gonna like me.
What am I doing?
This is a mistake.
I just feel like I'm not enough
Kelly (40:45):
Yeah.
that imposter syndrome kicks in.
Kristen (40:49):
One of the things I
took from this is he says, don't
be extra, or You're going tomake everyone uncomfortable.
Be happy, but don't freak out.
Be friendly, but not sooutgoing.
It's weird.
Be sad if you must, but don'tlet anyone see you cry because
you're not a cute crier and all.
That's not as gross.
Anger is a no, for sure.
No one wants to see that.
Be confident, but don't doanything you're not already sure
(41:09):
you're good at.
Because what if you look dumband for the love, don't ever
stand out even for good things,because people might talk about
you.
I'm like, that's everything Ifeel in a nutshell.
But it's just, I feel all thosethings like be this, but not too
much do this, but not too much.
you guys ever feel that?
I feel like
Kelly (41:27):
that happens to me all
the time where I'm having a
conversation with someone, but Ican tell their attention's
starting to wander and I don'tknow how to end it.
so it's like you just grin alittle and like, do I walk away
now?
I don't know what to do thathappens to me all the time.
Mm-hmm.
Alexis (41:44):
I can relate
Kristen (41:45):
Yeah, that one's hard.
All right, we've made it to linenumber five.
line number five is pretendingto be fine is the same thing as
being fine.
we talked about this earlier,but she said I learned to
undermine my own struggle.
I learned to grin and bear it.
I learned that no one wanted tohear me whine or complain.
I feel like that's where I'm at.
(42:05):
I care about how my friends aredoing, but think they don't
really care about me, like shesays I've learned to hide my
emotions because nobody reallywants to deal with you if you're
not, in a good mood.
I feel like I've said that tomyself so much that I hide any
emotion that may be construed asnegative because nobody wants to
(42:26):
hear that.
Alexis (42:27):
Yeah.
I can relate I don't wanna saytoo much, but even like work,
there was one point about thefever and stuff like I.
I used to work, at one point Iworked having complete food with
105 feet over because I justfelt like there wasn't, I
couldn't mm-hmm.
Like, I couldn't take the time Iwas so sick.
(42:49):
I had covid again.
it was like the 17th time.
It's ridiculous.
I get it so much.
I can relate to feeling like youhave to keep going because you
don't want, you don't want, youdon't think people wanna hear
you complain, but it's not evencomplaining, but just saying
like, I have a problem, or, youknow, you're just hiding it.
(43:12):
You're hiding how you are reallyfeeling because.
Either you don't wannadisappoint or people just don't
even want, you don't feel likethey care enough to see it.
Right.
Kristen (43:24):
Okay so that wraps up
part one, the lies that keep us
from loving ourselves as we areor becoming Imperf
perfectionists.
Part two that we'll be talkingabout next week that we're gonna
start, that we're gonna bereading this week, is, lies that
keep us from connection or howto quit performing and start
belonging.
(43:45):
we'll go through lies sixthrough nine.
any thoughts on this?
anything you're looking forwardto learning about how to quit
performing and start belonging?
Alexis (43:54):
watch out world?
You gonna see who I really am?
Kristen (43:58):
I picture you like
having a robe around you and
then you just like open it upand you're like, hello world.
Here I am.
And you open it and there'snothing under it.
this is me.
Alexis (44:08):
That's not what I
thought you were gonna say.
Kristen (44:10):
Oh boy.
Let's talk with Kristen with anE after dark.
that's where my knee socks are.
Alexis (44:18):
Oh goodness.
No,
Kelly (44:20):
I'm excited.
I think a lot of us strugglewith fitting in to fit in.
we almost put on a performancenot really being ourselves.
I'm looking forward to laughingmore.
the part about farting in frontof her husband.
No, I mean, I was dying becausethe point that my son was like,
(44:42):
what's so funny, mom?
Kristen (44:45):
Oh, that's hilarious.
Well, I also am very muchlooking forward to it.
Alexis Kelly, thank you forjoining me.
Listeners, remember you can be apart of the conversation.
You can reach out to me onInstagram, Facebook, email, or
we have the Google form whereyou can go and, give your name
(45:05):
or not tell us which part of thebook you are commenting on.
Put in some comments and let meknow if it's something you wanna
share just with us or you wantme to share with the listeners
Kelly Lexus, this was fantastic.
I look forward to part two.
Thanks guys.
Thank you.
Can't wait.
Bye