November 5, 2025 • 29 mins
In this heartfelt solo episode, Kristen opens up about a recent moment of disappointment in her family and reflects on what resilience really looks like in real life. Using stories from her son’s basketball tryouts and lessons from her own career journey, she explores how to face rejection, process the emotions that come with it, and move forward with confidence and compassion. Kristen shares personal reflections and past writing about promotion setbacks, growth, and perseverance, reminding listeners that resilience is not perfection but the courage to keep showing up even when the answer is no.
This episode is an honest, hopeful reminder that setbacks do not define us and that we can grow stronger by choosing to keep going.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kristen (00:02):
Welcome to season two of Talk with Kristen with an E.
This season, we're digging alittle deeper into leadership,
personal growth, and the courageit takes to follow your passion.
Real conversations, honestreflections, because life isn't
perfect and neither are we.
(00:27):
Hey everyone, and welcome backthere's no guest.
today, it's just me, and I amexcited about the topic, There
are all these things in my headthat I feel like I need to
share, honestly.
I feel like, if you are here,this message is for you.
This has been on my heart and Ifeel like I need to share it.
(00:48):
I don't know who needs to hearit.
I think partly I need to hearit, which is why saying it out
loud is going to be helpful, butthere's probably others that
need to hear it too.
So today we are going to talkabout rejection and how you deal
with rejection by beingresilient.
Now what actually is resilience?
The technical definition fromthe dictionary is resilience.
(01:12):
The capacity to withstand or torecover quickly from
difficulties, toughness, theability of a substance or object
to spring back into shapeelasticity.
If you just Google it.
The AI overview from Googlesays, resilience is the ability
to adapt well in the face ofadversity, trauma, or stress,
(01:33):
and bounce back from difficultexperiences.
And it talks about how it'sadaptability, not immunity to
hardship.
A combination of factors.
It's really like if you have arubber band, you can stretch it
and stretch it and when you'redone it'll go back to its
original size that's kind of howit is in your life.
When a situation stretches you,you don't let it change who you
(01:56):
are.
You're able to bounce back thereare times when situations happen
and you bounce back, but youalso grow and learn from them.
And I think it's almost moreimportant that you don't take
the negative situations orstress or trauma and.
Just go back to the way youwere, because I think there's
always lessons to learn and waysto grow from it.
(02:18):
So that's what I wanted to talkabout today, mostly because a
situation very near and dear tomy heart recently just happened,
and it started getting methinking about all these other
situations that I had been inand how I grew from them so that
I could help somebody else whowas very near and dear to me.
My son recently tried out forthe junior high basketball team
(02:42):
and this was a huge deal on manylevels.
To give you a bit of backgroundso you understand why this
situation was so important to myson and to our family we are a
basketball family.
my husband played basketball forprobably his whole life.
He was being scouted andrecruited throughout middle
(03:04):
school, junior high, high schooland was ready to go on
scholarship.
Unfortunately some thingshappened and that didn't work
out.
Injuries, life stuff, i, on theother hand, played one year of
basketball in 10th grade simplybecause my friend Heather asked
me to be on the team with her.
And I knew that if I playedbasketball, I could ride the bus
(03:25):
to the away games and be withthe boys and I had a crush
forever on the guy who playedbasketball.
So of course I was gonna dothat.
I went to a small private schooland there were no tryouts.
Basically, if you signed up andpaid the money to be on the
team, you were just there.
I was not good and part of itwas because I didn't wanna be
good.
My mindset was really, if Iwasn't good at something right
(03:45):
away, then that was just it.
Looking back I know that Ididn't try very hard on the
drills.
I didn't take it seriously.
I probably could have beenbetter.
My stats are very easy toremember from that one year in
10th grade because I scoredexactly two points the entire
season.
But to this day, I stillremember making that one basket,
(04:05):
and the entire gym was soexcited for me.
Like parents, people whoprobably didn't even know me.
Everybody cheered because, thegirl that's terrible at
basketball finally made a basketthat was a very good feeling.
So the story here is thathusband very good at basketball.
Me, not good at all.
Poor son got a lot of goodqualities from me, but
(04:28):
unfortunately also got mybasketball qualities.
So he is naturally not the mostathletic child, and I'm not
saying that.
I'm not being mean to my childhere.
He is fully aware of this and wehave had this conversation
multiple times I have apologizedto him for the genetic makeup
that I have passed on to him,but also pointed out that that's
(04:48):
why he's so smart because of me.
So anyway.
So he has had to work a littlebit harder and he has been
playing basketball, in differentrec leagues and things like that
since he was in kindergarten.
He started going to a littlecamp and he couldn't even
dribble.
So the fact that he's come thisfar is really amazing.
He played, more competitivelythrough third, through sixth
(05:12):
grade.
He was never picked for the bestteam.
We would joke.
That he'd end up on the leftoverteam.
Where, they put the boys whodidn't get picked for the best
team and that's fine because heloves the game, but we knew in
junior high he was actuallygoing to have to try out.
So we got him to go to one ofthe local college camps over the
summer.
He'd been practicing a lot, hisshooting, his drills.
(05:34):
And then during school, whenschool started, he would be
playing, with his friends duringtheir free time.
He put a lot of work into it.
Tryouts were a big deal and hewas really excited.
We knew he'd put the work in.
We knew he was gonna do hisbest, but we also knew it was
gonna go one of two ways.
There was going to be a lessonto learn regardless of what
happened.
The lesson was either going tobe, see when you want something,
(05:56):
you work really hard and thenyou can get it.
Or lesson two was going to be,well, sometimes even when you
put the work in and try yourbest, you just don't get what
you want and that's okay too.
So he went to the three days oftryouts and from what he said,
he did his best.
He put it all out there and didwhat he could.
(06:19):
Unfortunately he still didn'tmake the team.
He was positive when he calledme at work about it, he said,
well, mom, do you want the goodnews or the bad news?
I said, okay, gimme the badnews.
He said, okay, well I didn'tmake the seventh grade team.
I said, oh, well that's okaybuddy.
What's the good news?
He's like, I got a three dayfree basketball camp, it's true.
And he did learn more and, gotto play and be there and
(06:42):
understand more what it took.
But that was also him masking ita little bit because I do think
it hurt, he had a lot of friendsmake the team and we were very
excited for the boys that didmake it.
A lot of the boys we know verywell and very excited that they
made the team and they're gonnahave a really good team, but it
still stings when your kiddoesn't.
And then how do you deal with itand how does he deal with it?
(07:02):
So there was a lot there.
And I'm not gonna go into allthe details because this isn't,
you know, it's not my story totell, that's his story.
I just wanted to share from myperspective where we were and
why this rejection andresiliency came up in my mind as
something I wanted to talkabout.
Because I have been there also,while it wasn't a basketball
(07:23):
team, I have been rejected frommultiple parts and plays.
I told him the story of one ofthe first auditions I went to
when I was younger, it was for apart in Cinderella.
Which I loved I had watched, theoriginal Rogers and Hammerstein,
with real people.
I watched that sang all thesongs I wanted to be in
Cinderella so bad, my parentstook me to this audition.
(07:46):
I feel like I did very well andthere was nothing not a call.
Nothing.
It was hard because, it wassomething I wanted so much there
were a lot of parts I didn'tget.
In the business world, there'sbeen jobs I've applied for that
I didn't get, or promotions Iapplied for and didn't get.
In relationships, there's peopleI wanted to be with that didn't
(08:07):
want to be with me, there'speople I thought I was friends
with.
but The friendship didn't workout.
There is rejection.
Everywhere in life.
The sooner you learn how to dealwith it and bounce back, the
better you are.
When you take those situationsand the lessons you need from
them to learn and grow, thebetter human you'll be.
(08:28):
So in preparing for thepossibility of him not making
the team, I remembered that Ihad written some blog posts for
a blog at work several yearsago.
About that resiliency piece andbouncing back.
The way the promotion cycles atwhere I work, the way the
promotion cycles worked werethat you would put together a
(08:48):
whole package and it would goforward to a panel and they
would rate it and basicallydetermine if you were ready for
promotion.
And then if you were selected,then you'd be able to apply for
jobs at the next higher levelfrom wherever you are.
So it was kind of like you wereapplying to be promotable so
that you could then apply forthe promotions.
It's weird, and believe me,there are pros and cons and
(09:11):
flaws to the process, but it'swhat we were using at the time.
I put in multiple times, Ibelieve it was four, until I
finally got promoted, to mycurrent level.
I had written multiple blogposts about it.
So this is kind of gonna be likeone of those, dear diary
episodes that I've done.
Except it's not a diary, it'sblog posts, and I think there's
(09:33):
three or four of them.
And I was just gonna read thembecause honestly, I think there
is still some wisdom here thatis good to share while they were
written specifically forpromotion, I've been able to
use, much of the language fromthis also for my son in not
getting the basketball team.
I would encourage you that ifthere is a situation or a hard
(09:54):
time you are going through andyou're kind of feeling rejected
that I think this may be helpfulfor you too.
So, we'll just read a few ofthem.
If you didn't get promoted thistime around June 27th, 2017,
congratulations to all the newlypromotings.
It looks like it's a reallygreat list this year, and I'm
(10:16):
excited to see all that you'llbe able to accomplish in this
next season of your career.
If however, you did not getpromoted this cycle, then this
post is for you.
Being not selected can cause alot of mixed emotions.
You're happy to see people youknow and respect be promoted.
It's exciting to have friendsmake it to that level, but it's
(10:38):
also a crappy feeling to knowit's not you.
This time I could share allkinds of platitudes to help you
feel better.
A setback is only a setup for acomeback or some other fortune
cooking, motivational posterkind of statement.
That's not what you need rightnow.
What do you need?
(10:59):
You need to know it's okay.
All of it.
It's okay to be pissed at theprocess.
It's okay to feel inadequate andinferior.
It's okay to be jealous.
It's okay to wonder why not me.
It's okay to be secretly gladyou didn't get it because you
don't want to have to move.
Change jobs, do something else,whatever.
(11:22):
It's even okay to be a littlebit happy that the slacker down
the hall who doesn't deserve it.
Also didn't get it.
You are entitled to all yourfeelings and allowed to feel all
of it.
Being rejected is hard.
Maybe you auditioned for Fiddleron the Roof and instead of a
decent role, you were cast aswoman number two, maybe a year
(11:44):
into your relationship withcollege boyfriend.
He told you that his mother wascertain you were not the one for
him, and he broke up with you.
Maybe you worked your butt offand had a number of people
review your promotion packageand you still didn't get it.
All of these situations, youwere basically rejected and
you'd have a lot of feelings.
(12:05):
But what makes you who you areis what you do after you feel
all the feelings.
This is where I get into my peptalk.
A wise person once told me thatyou can tell the true character
of a person based on how theyrespond to adversity.
This promotion, rejection isyour adversity.
(12:26):
Let me encourage you to takethis time and focus not on how
you missed this opportunity, buthow you are going to plan for
next year.
Work on your package sooner.
Seek out more mentors, ask formore feedback.
Determine to show them thatwhile they may not have thought
you were ready this year, youare ready.
You'll prove to all of them thatyou deserve it.
(12:49):
No matter where you are in thisorganization or the world, you
can make a difference.
You are important.
And you know what?
After I was woman number two, Igot the lead as Hermia in the
next springs production of aMidsummer Night's dream.
I met my husband seven monthsafter college.
Boyfriend broke up with me, andI'm confident that something
(13:11):
else wonderful will happen to medespite this current rejection
of not getting promoted.
Good things are out there foryou too.
Don't give up.
And then a few years past, tryto decide which one I want to
read next.
(13:33):
Let's go, we'll just go inchronological order.
The epiphany I had aboutpromotion season January 10th,
2019, when I was younger, all Iwanted to be when I grew up was
an actress.
Not in Hollywood, but onBroadway.
I didn't want the fame andfortune, I just loved performing
(13:55):
the lights, the stage, thesounds to me there was no
business like show business.
My dream was feasible.
I'd been in every school andchurch play or musical as a
child, and in high school Ibecame very active in community
theater.
I was going to go to college fortheater and move to New York
City.
(14:16):
One of my first acting classes,the professor said, you always
have a job as an actor.
Auditioning is your job.
Well, that and waitressingbecause you've gotta pay the
bills somehow.
I was talking with a mentoryesterday about this upcoming
promotion process, and he saidsomething that I'm sure we've
heard before, but it had adifferent meaning to me this
(14:37):
time.
He said, you may not getpromoted this year.
It doesn't mean you're notqualified.
It just means there may besomeone more qualified.
There are people more qualifiedthan you.
Stop and think about that for aminute.
He also made a point aboutsometimes we don't get jobs or
promoted because we're notexactly what they're looking
(15:00):
for.
Maybe we just don't fit the partthey're needing to fill, and
then it all made sense.
Putting in for promotion is justlike auditioning.
Most auditions, you show up witha prepared monologue or a bit to
present to the director orproduction team.
They probably already have anidea of what they're looking
(15:20):
for, but you just show up and doyour best.
Sometimes you'll get a callbackand they'll want to see more.
Sometimes you just get a thankyou and nothing happens.
Sometimes you get the part.
Sometimes lots of times youdon't.
That doesn't mean you're less ofan actress or that you are not
good at what you do.
(15:42):
It just means you are not whatthey wanted at that time.
Someone else might have beenmore qualified.
I didn't write some feel good.
Pick you up.
You didn't get promoted thistime around post last year.
I did the year before, becauselast year, that's not where I
was last year.
(16:02):
I had so many people sayingthings like, this is your year.
You've worked so hard, you'll bepromoted this time around.
After all, it was my third timetrying.
Third time is a charm, right?
The countless hours and reviewsI had on my package, I put the
work in.
Clearly I would be rewarded.
Spoiler alert, I was notpromoted.
(16:26):
I was devastated.
Not because I wasn't promoted,but because my brain interpreted
it as I'm not good enough.
Whatever happens.
Don't let that define you.
I have that quote on a piece ofpaper hanging above my computer
at work.
It was hard to realize it.
The defeat on that July day wasdefining me.
(16:48):
I felt that my work didn'tmatter, that I didn't matter,
that I wasn't qualified.
There are others more qualifiedthan you?
There were parts I auditionedfor it that I didn't get.
There were times I was onlywoman number two or member of
the ensemble.
But it never stopped me frompreparing and going to another
(17:12):
audition because every monologueI memorized, every bar of music
I practiced, continued making mea better actress.
And that is why friends, Icontinue to improve my promotion
package and rewrite my essaybecause it's making me better.
And someday, when I am whatthey're looking for, I'll be
(17:34):
ready to accept the role andplay my part.
I encourage you to do the same.
There may always be someone morequalified than you when you put
in for a job or promotion.
Don't let that stop you.
You keep working on you and howyou present yourself in your
resume, cover letters, etcetera.
Your time will come.
(17:55):
Don't give up.
And that one was great because.
I feel like it was very relevantto my son as we talked to him
about how it's not that he's nota good basketball player, it's
not that he didn't put the workin, they have to build a team
and there are certain piecesthey need to build that team and
(18:16):
certain skills they're lookingfor, it doesn't mean he's less
of a player, it's just he wasn'twhat they needed for that part
of the team.
And I think it's very, verysimilar to what I was sharing
there.
For people who weren't promoted.
So then if you didn't getpromoted again, July 24th, 2019.
(18:38):
Well, here we are again friends.
The selection notice went outlast month and some are still
getting their phone calls now.
Anyone who's read this blog forany amount of time knows I've
shared a number of posts aboutnot getting promoted and
allowing yourself to feel thefeelings and then getting back
(18:58):
up and trying again.
This year, I want to dosomething a little different.
I am going to share a letter Iwrote to myself one year ago in
preparation of receiving thedreaded, sorry, not this year
news.
It's personal, but in talking tosome of my dear friends who are
going through this again, I'msharing in hopes that it will
(19:21):
help you.
Remember, this is not the end.
It is just one page in yourstory.
Dear, insert your name here.
If you are reading this, it'sbecause you didn't get promoted.
It's the insert number of howmany times you've applied here
time, and really it shouldn't beso hard.
But honestly, the pain andrejection never get any easier.
(19:46):
So there are a few things I wantyou to know.
First, this does not define you.
Not being promoted does not makeyou less of a worker, less of a
friend, less of a mother,father, partner, or less of a
person.
This doesn't mean anything.
(20:07):
Second, the promotion processisn't perfect.
Not being promoted doesn't meanyou aren't good enough.
It means that there weren'tenough spots for all the really
great people like you to getpromoted this time.
If you're feeling bad about it,please read the above paragraph.
This does not mean you are lessof anything.
(20:27):
Third, a wise woman once said, Ido not have to be the best as
long as I do my best.
Let me remind you, you did yourbest.
You put the work into thepackage.
You had multiple reviews.
You edited and updated over andover.
You are proud of what yousubmitted, and it was an
accurate representation of whoyou are.
(20:49):
There was nothing else you couldhave done.
You did your best fourth.
Eventually they'll run out ofother people to promote and it
will have to be your turn.
so don't quit applying.
You are not a quitter.
You can take a break and figureout what you want to do next,
but you will not be any lessthan what you already are.
(21:11):
You are a hard worker.
You will continue to work hard.
You want to make every positionbetter when you leave than when
you got there.
You will continue to do that.
You care about people and thatthey are taken care of and
undeveloped.
You will continue to do that.
You will continue to make thisorganization a better place.
You will support you, will serveyou will be amazing.
(21:34):
This lack of promotion is noreflection of who you are.
This doesn't change anything.
The person you were before yougot the news is the same person
you are now.
Now you're just a little hurtand pissed off and frustrated
and probably crying, but that'sokay.
Feel the feelings, then get overit and go back to being your
(21:58):
awesome self.
This is not the end.
And that's also what we sharedwith my son.
Um, we had told him that, itdoesn't change anything.
So you were either gonna be onthe team or you weren't gonna be
on the team.
It didn't change anything elseabout you.
And I think that's somethingthat we all need to know when we
go through hard times and we'restruggling and we feel like
(22:21):
there's nothing we can do, orthat everything's against us or
that we're failing that we'renot.
As long as we're doing our bestand we're learning and growing,
then everything is exactly theway it's supposed to be.
So I did have one other blogpost that I wanted to share.
This was not specific aboutpromotion, but it was another
(22:42):
one of those kind of lifelessons that I wanted to share
about how sometimes we seethings and it looks like it's
negative and we wanna stop andgive up and how we can't or
shouldn't.
So this is the last one I'llread.
When the rain comes, dealingwith difficult situations June
10th, 2019, you probably haven'tmissed the fact that it's been
(23:06):
raining a lot.
A couple weeks ago I was drivinghome and had a realization of
another leadership lesson.
It was a Tuesday and it was asudden hard rain.
You know the ones you look up atthe sky and think, Hmm, it's
getting a little gray, and thenbam, big, huge, heavy raindrops.
A deluge, floods coming down allaround you.
(23:29):
You get the idea.
Cars were slowing down andvisibility was worsening.
I saw a car cut over two lanesand park under an overpass,
presumably going to wait out thestorm until it was safer for him
to drive.
He was tempting.
He was getting so hard to see.
Stopping.
Seemed like a safe solution,maybe even easier, but I kept
(23:50):
driving.
I could see it clearing upahead, and the sky wasn't as
dark.
Maybe it wasn't even raining.
I had to just keep going, and Iknew the rain would stop.
I knew it would be better.
I was going to get through it,so I kept driving.
It wasn't more than a couplemiles and it happened.
The rain just stopped as fast asit came in, it was gone.
(24:11):
There was even a hint ofsunshine, and I was there
because I kept driving.
What's the point of this?
I shall explain.
Sometimes rain comes in ourlife.
Sometimes it's a breakup,sometimes it's an illness.
Sometimes it's a rejectionletter from a job or a
promotion.
And when rain comes in our life,there are ways we can respond.
(24:34):
We can stop and wait for thingsto get better.
We can shut down and give up, orwe can keep driving knowing that
the rain isn't there forever,that there is something better
on the other side.
We are coming up on the time ofyear when promotion
announcements are being made andas per usual, there will be
(24:55):
excitement and disappointment ifyou're on the side of
disappointment.
While the rejection, whether thefirst time or the fifth time
will hurt and feel like you'redrowning under a downpour, you
must keep driving.
The clouds will clear, the sunwill come back, and you'll be
farther ahead than the peoplewho quit and parked under the
(25:18):
overpass.
Don't stop driving.
So there you have it, friends.
A little bit of wisdom fromKristen from the past.
Which actually I think it'sreally good and I know it's
because I wrote it myself andI'm kind of biased.
And also that was like beforeanybody was using AI to write
(25:41):
anything.
So that was all literally me.
So going through all those blogposts and talking about helping
my son deal with it, I alsoremembered that we'd learned
about.
Resiliency in my leadershipprogram.
I just wanted to share a fewthings from that.
Because I talk about resilienceand resilient leadership and how
(26:05):
you cope with stress, pressure,adversity, and change coming.
And part of it is personalityand part of it can be trained.
And that's the part I reallywanna focus on is helping people
learn how to be more resilient.
The four key traits people needin order to be led and balanced,
even when under pressure, onefeeling of self-control, need to
feel they're in control of theirown destiny.
(26:28):
Two, feeling of belonging, beingpart of a team or community.
Three, feeling of self-worth andtendency to increase your own
self-worth.
And four, striving for happinessand joy.
So I would just encourage you,whether you're going through a
hard time now, or you've beenthrough a hard time and you've
(26:50):
been able to bounce back from itand build resiliency, just focus
on how you did it and maybe helpsomebody else.
Talks about being part of a teamor a community.
If there's somebody around yougoing through a hard time, maybe
you can help them.
Maybe there's somebody whodidn't get a job.
Maybe there's somebody who'sgoing through a relationship.
Problem.
or they Didn't get picked for arole on a basketball team or a
(27:12):
theatrical production, orthey're just struggling with
personal issues, health issues.
If there's anything you can doto help somebody else, I would
encourage you to do that.
Also how you can just kind of.
Learn on your own.
The final thing is I love AdamGrant.
If you have not read or listenedto a book by Adam Grant, I would
(27:32):
encourage you to, the one I mostrecently listened to was Hidden
Potential, the Science ofAchieving Greater Things.
Hidden Potential offers a newframework for raising
aspirations and exceedingexpectations.
Adam Grant weaves togethergroundbreaking evidence,
surprising insight, and vividstorytelling that takes us from
the classroom to the boardroom,the playground to the Olympics,
(27:55):
and underground to outer space.
Progress depends less on howhard you work than how well you
learn.
Growth is not about the geniusyou possess, it's about the
character you develop.
Grant explores how to build thecharacter skills and
motivational structures torealize our own potential and
how to design systems thatcreate opportunities for those
who have been underrated andoverlooked.
(28:18):
So I'm thinking about doing aseries of book club podcasts on
this book.
It's not necessarily anentertaining book, but it is one
that I feel fits the directionwe're going right now with
growth and learning that it'snot necessarily the people that
have the best talent, but theones that are able to learn and
(28:39):
grow.
And that's what I'm trying to dowith this podcast.
The season is help us find waysto learn and grow.
I hope that you got somethingout of this that it's meaningful
or maybe you'll just save it.
for When you are going through ahard time, You'll think, you
know what?
I think Kristen had an episodeabout that, that may be able to
help me now.
So just hang in there.
(28:59):
Friends, we are all going to getthrough this and be better for
it.
And if you need anything, youcan reach out to me, email, see
on Instagram, you know how toget ahold of me.
All right.
Bye guys.
That's a wrap for this week'sepisode.
Thanks so much for spending timewith me.
Until next time, be honest withyourself.
Ask the hard questions, andremember, you are not alone on
(29:23):
this journey.
Welcome to season two of Talk with Kristen with an E.
This season, we're digging alittle deeper into leadership,
personal growth, and the courageit takes to follow your passion.
Real conversations, honestreflections, because life isn't
perfect and neither are we.
(00:27):
Hey everyone, and welcome backthere's no guest.
today, it's just me, and I amexcited about the topic, There
are all these things in my headthat I feel like I need to
share, honestly.
I feel like, if you are here,this message is for you.
This has been on my heart and Ifeel like I need to share it.
(00:48):
I don't know who needs to hearit.
I think partly I need to hearit, which is why saying it out
loud is going to be helpful, butthere's probably others that
need to hear it too.
So today we are going to talkabout rejection and how you deal
with rejection by beingresilient.
Now what actually is resilience?
The technical definition fromthe dictionary is resilience.
(01:12):
The capacity to withstand or torecover quickly from
difficulties, toughness, theability of a substance or object
to spring back into shapeelasticity.
If you just Google it.
The AI overview from Googlesays, resilience is the ability
to adapt well in the face ofadversity, trauma, or stress,
(01:33):
and bounce back from difficultexperiences.
And it talks about how it'sadaptability, not immunity to
hardship.
A combination of factors.
It's really like if you have arubber band, you can stretch it
and stretch it and when you'redone it'll go back to its
original size that's kind of howit is in your life.
When a situation stretches you,you don't let it change who you
(01:56):
are.
You're able to bounce back thereare times when situations happen
and you bounce back, but youalso grow and learn from them.
And I think it's almost moreimportant that you don't take
the negative situations orstress or trauma and.
Just go back to the way youwere, because I think there's
always lessons to learn and waysto grow from it.
(02:18):
So that's what I wanted to talkabout today, mostly because a
situation very near and dear tomy heart recently just happened,
and it started getting methinking about all these other
situations that I had been inand how I grew from them so that
I could help somebody else whowas very near and dear to me.
My son recently tried out forthe junior high basketball team
(02:42):
and this was a huge deal on manylevels.
To give you a bit of backgroundso you understand why this
situation was so important to myson and to our family we are a
basketball family.
my husband played basketball forprobably his whole life.
He was being scouted andrecruited throughout middle
(03:04):
school, junior high, high schooland was ready to go on
scholarship.
Unfortunately some thingshappened and that didn't work
out.
Injuries, life stuff, i, on theother hand, played one year of
basketball in 10th grade simplybecause my friend Heather asked
me to be on the team with her.
And I knew that if I playedbasketball, I could ride the bus
(03:25):
to the away games and be withthe boys and I had a crush
forever on the guy who playedbasketball.
So of course I was gonna dothat.
I went to a small private schooland there were no tryouts.
Basically, if you signed up andpaid the money to be on the
team, you were just there.
I was not good and part of itwas because I didn't wanna be
good.
My mindset was really, if Iwasn't good at something right
(03:45):
away, then that was just it.
Looking back I know that Ididn't try very hard on the
drills.
I didn't take it seriously.
I probably could have beenbetter.
My stats are very easy toremember from that one year in
10th grade because I scoredexactly two points the entire
season.
But to this day, I stillremember making that one basket,
(04:05):
and the entire gym was soexcited for me.
Like parents, people whoprobably didn't even know me.
Everybody cheered because, thegirl that's terrible at
basketball finally made a basketthat was a very good feeling.
So the story here is thathusband very good at basketball.
Me, not good at all.
Poor son got a lot of goodqualities from me, but
(04:28):
unfortunately also got mybasketball qualities.
So he is naturally not the mostathletic child, and I'm not
saying that.
I'm not being mean to my childhere.
He is fully aware of this and wehave had this conversation
multiple times I have apologizedto him for the genetic makeup
that I have passed on to him,but also pointed out that that's
(04:48):
why he's so smart because of me.
So anyway.
So he has had to work a littlebit harder and he has been
playing basketball, in differentrec leagues and things like that
since he was in kindergarten.
He started going to a littlecamp and he couldn't even
dribble.
So the fact that he's come thisfar is really amazing.
He played, more competitivelythrough third, through sixth
(05:12):
grade.
He was never picked for the bestteam.
We would joke.
That he'd end up on the leftoverteam.
Where, they put the boys whodidn't get picked for the best
team and that's fine because heloves the game, but we knew in
junior high he was actuallygoing to have to try out.
So we got him to go to one ofthe local college camps over the
summer.
He'd been practicing a lot, hisshooting, his drills.
(05:34):
And then during school, whenschool started, he would be
playing, with his friends duringtheir free time.
He put a lot of work into it.
Tryouts were a big deal and hewas really excited.
We knew he'd put the work in.
We knew he was gonna do hisbest, but we also knew it was
gonna go one of two ways.
There was going to be a lessonto learn regardless of what
happened.
The lesson was either going tobe, see when you want something,
(05:56):
you work really hard and thenyou can get it.
Or lesson two was going to be,well, sometimes even when you
put the work in and try yourbest, you just don't get what
you want and that's okay too.
So he went to the three days oftryouts and from what he said,
he did his best.
He put it all out there and didwhat he could.
(06:19):
Unfortunately he still didn'tmake the team.
He was positive when he calledme at work about it, he said,
well, mom, do you want the goodnews or the bad news?
I said, okay, gimme the badnews.
He said, okay, well I didn'tmake the seventh grade team.
I said, oh, well that's okaybuddy.
What's the good news?
He's like, I got a three dayfree basketball camp, it's true.
And he did learn more and, gotto play and be there and
(06:42):
understand more what it took.
But that was also him masking ita little bit because I do think
it hurt, he had a lot of friendsmake the team and we were very
excited for the boys that didmake it.
A lot of the boys we know verywell and very excited that they
made the team and they're gonnahave a really good team, but it
still stings when your kiddoesn't.
And then how do you deal with itand how does he deal with it?
(07:02):
So there was a lot there.
And I'm not gonna go into allthe details because this isn't,
you know, it's not my story totell, that's his story.
I just wanted to share from myperspective where we were and
why this rejection andresiliency came up in my mind as
something I wanted to talkabout.
Because I have been there also,while it wasn't a basketball
(07:23):
team, I have been rejected frommultiple parts and plays.
I told him the story of one ofthe first auditions I went to
when I was younger, it was for apart in Cinderella.
Which I loved I had watched, theoriginal Rogers and Hammerstein,
with real people.
I watched that sang all thesongs I wanted to be in
Cinderella so bad, my parentstook me to this audition.
(07:46):
I feel like I did very well andthere was nothing not a call.
Nothing.
It was hard because, it wassomething I wanted so much there
were a lot of parts I didn'tget.
In the business world, there'sbeen jobs I've applied for that
I didn't get, or promotions Iapplied for and didn't get.
In relationships, there's peopleI wanted to be with that didn't
(08:07):
want to be with me, there'speople I thought I was friends
with.
but The friendship didn't workout.
There is rejection.
Everywhere in life.
The sooner you learn how to dealwith it and bounce back, the
better you are.
When you take those situationsand the lessons you need from
them to learn and grow, thebetter human you'll be.
(08:28):
So in preparing for thepossibility of him not making
the team, I remembered that Ihad written some blog posts for
a blog at work several yearsago.
About that resiliency piece andbouncing back.
The way the promotion cycles atwhere I work, the way the
promotion cycles worked werethat you would put together a
(08:48):
whole package and it would goforward to a panel and they
would rate it and basicallydetermine if you were ready for
promotion.
And then if you were selected,then you'd be able to apply for
jobs at the next higher levelfrom wherever you are.
So it was kind of like you wereapplying to be promotable so
that you could then apply forthe promotions.
It's weird, and believe me,there are pros and cons and
(09:11):
flaws to the process, but it'swhat we were using at the time.
I put in multiple times, Ibelieve it was four, until I
finally got promoted, to mycurrent level.
I had written multiple blogposts about it.
So this is kind of gonna be likeone of those, dear diary
episodes that I've done.
Except it's not a diary, it'sblog posts, and I think there's
(09:33):
three or four of them.
And I was just gonna read thembecause honestly, I think there
is still some wisdom here thatis good to share while they were
written specifically forpromotion, I've been able to
use, much of the language fromthis also for my son in not
getting the basketball team.
I would encourage you that ifthere is a situation or a hard
(09:54):
time you are going through andyou're kind of feeling rejected
that I think this may be helpfulfor you too.
So, we'll just read a few ofthem.
If you didn't get promoted thistime around June 27th, 2017,
congratulations to all the newlypromotings.
It looks like it's a reallygreat list this year, and I'm
(10:16):
excited to see all that you'llbe able to accomplish in this
next season of your career.
If however, you did not getpromoted this cycle, then this
post is for you.
Being not selected can cause alot of mixed emotions.
You're happy to see people youknow and respect be promoted.
It's exciting to have friendsmake it to that level, but it's
(10:38):
also a crappy feeling to knowit's not you.
This time I could share allkinds of platitudes to help you
feel better.
A setback is only a setup for acomeback or some other fortune
cooking, motivational posterkind of statement.
That's not what you need rightnow.
What do you need?
(10:59):
You need to know it's okay.
All of it.
It's okay to be pissed at theprocess.
It's okay to feel inadequate andinferior.
It's okay to be jealous.
It's okay to wonder why not me.
It's okay to be secretly gladyou didn't get it because you
don't want to have to move.
Change jobs, do something else,whatever.
(11:22):
It's even okay to be a littlebit happy that the slacker down
the hall who doesn't deserve it.
Also didn't get it.
You are entitled to all yourfeelings and allowed to feel all
of it.
Being rejected is hard.
Maybe you auditioned for Fiddleron the Roof and instead of a
decent role, you were cast aswoman number two, maybe a year
(11:44):
into your relationship withcollege boyfriend.
He told you that his mother wascertain you were not the one for
him, and he broke up with you.
Maybe you worked your butt offand had a number of people
review your promotion packageand you still didn't get it.
All of these situations, youwere basically rejected and
you'd have a lot of feelings.
(12:05):
But what makes you who you areis what you do after you feel
all the feelings.
This is where I get into my peptalk.
A wise person once told me thatyou can tell the true character
of a person based on how theyrespond to adversity.
This promotion, rejection isyour adversity.
(12:26):
Let me encourage you to takethis time and focus not on how
you missed this opportunity, buthow you are going to plan for
next year.
Work on your package sooner.
Seek out more mentors, ask formore feedback.
Determine to show them thatwhile they may not have thought
you were ready this year, youare ready.
You'll prove to all of them thatyou deserve it.
(12:49):
No matter where you are in thisorganization or the world, you
can make a difference.
You are important.
And you know what?
After I was woman number two, Igot the lead as Hermia in the
next springs production of aMidsummer Night's dream.
I met my husband seven monthsafter college.
Boyfriend broke up with me, andI'm confident that something
(13:11):
else wonderful will happen to medespite this current rejection
of not getting promoted.
Good things are out there foryou too.
Don't give up.
And then a few years past, tryto decide which one I want to
read next.
(13:33):
Let's go, we'll just go inchronological order.
The epiphany I had aboutpromotion season January 10th,
2019, when I was younger, all Iwanted to be when I grew up was
an actress.
Not in Hollywood, but onBroadway.
I didn't want the fame andfortune, I just loved performing
(13:55):
the lights, the stage, thesounds to me there was no
business like show business.
My dream was feasible.
I'd been in every school andchurch play or musical as a
child, and in high school Ibecame very active in community
theater.
I was going to go to college fortheater and move to New York
City.
(14:16):
One of my first acting classes,the professor said, you always
have a job as an actor.
Auditioning is your job.
Well, that and waitressingbecause you've gotta pay the
bills somehow.
I was talking with a mentoryesterday about this upcoming
promotion process, and he saidsomething that I'm sure we've
heard before, but it had adifferent meaning to me this
(14:37):
time.
He said, you may not getpromoted this year.
It doesn't mean you're notqualified.
It just means there may besomeone more qualified.
There are people more qualifiedthan you.
Stop and think about that for aminute.
He also made a point aboutsometimes we don't get jobs or
promoted because we're notexactly what they're looking
(15:00):
for.
Maybe we just don't fit the partthey're needing to fill, and
then it all made sense.
Putting in for promotion is justlike auditioning.
Most auditions, you show up witha prepared monologue or a bit to
present to the director orproduction team.
They probably already have anidea of what they're looking
(15:20):
for, but you just show up and doyour best.
Sometimes you'll get a callbackand they'll want to see more.
Sometimes you just get a thankyou and nothing happens.
Sometimes you get the part.
Sometimes lots of times youdon't.
That doesn't mean you're less ofan actress or that you are not
good at what you do.
(15:42):
It just means you are not whatthey wanted at that time.
Someone else might have beenmore qualified.
I didn't write some feel good.
Pick you up.
You didn't get promoted thistime around post last year.
I did the year before, becauselast year, that's not where I
was last year.
(16:02):
I had so many people sayingthings like, this is your year.
You've worked so hard, you'll bepromoted this time around.
After all, it was my third timetrying.
Third time is a charm, right?
The countless hours and reviewsI had on my package, I put the
work in.
Clearly I would be rewarded.
Spoiler alert, I was notpromoted.
(16:26):
I was devastated.
Not because I wasn't promoted,but because my brain interpreted
it as I'm not good enough.
Whatever happens.
Don't let that define you.
I have that quote on a piece ofpaper hanging above my computer
at work.
It was hard to realize it.
The defeat on that July day wasdefining me.
(16:48):
I felt that my work didn'tmatter, that I didn't matter,
that I wasn't qualified.
There are others more qualifiedthan you?
There were parts I auditionedfor it that I didn't get.
There were times I was onlywoman number two or member of
the ensemble.
But it never stopped me frompreparing and going to another
(17:12):
audition because every monologueI memorized, every bar of music
I practiced, continued making mea better actress.
And that is why friends, Icontinue to improve my promotion
package and rewrite my essaybecause it's making me better.
And someday, when I am whatthey're looking for, I'll be
(17:34):
ready to accept the role andplay my part.
I encourage you to do the same.
There may always be someone morequalified than you when you put
in for a job or promotion.
Don't let that stop you.
You keep working on you and howyou present yourself in your
resume, cover letters, etcetera.
Your time will come.
(17:55):
Don't give up.
And that one was great because.
I feel like it was very relevantto my son as we talked to him
about how it's not that he's nota good basketball player, it's
not that he didn't put the workin, they have to build a team
and there are certain piecesthey need to build that team and
(18:16):
certain skills they're lookingfor, it doesn't mean he's less
of a player, it's just he wasn'twhat they needed for that part
of the team.
And I think it's very, verysimilar to what I was sharing
there.
For people who weren't promoted.
So then if you didn't getpromoted again, July 24th, 2019.
(18:38):
Well, here we are again friends.
The selection notice went outlast month and some are still
getting their phone calls now.
Anyone who's read this blog forany amount of time knows I've
shared a number of posts aboutnot getting promoted and
allowing yourself to feel thefeelings and then getting back
(18:58):
up and trying again.
This year, I want to dosomething a little different.
I am going to share a letter Iwrote to myself one year ago in
preparation of receiving thedreaded, sorry, not this year
news.
It's personal, but in talking tosome of my dear friends who are
going through this again, I'msharing in hopes that it will
(19:21):
help you.
Remember, this is not the end.
It is just one page in yourstory.
Dear, insert your name here.
If you are reading this, it'sbecause you didn't get promoted.
It's the insert number of howmany times you've applied here
time, and really it shouldn't beso hard.
But honestly, the pain andrejection never get any easier.
(19:46):
So there are a few things I wantyou to know.
First, this does not define you.
Not being promoted does not makeyou less of a worker, less of a
friend, less of a mother,father, partner, or less of a
person.
This doesn't mean anything.
(20:07):
Second, the promotion processisn't perfect.
Not being promoted doesn't meanyou aren't good enough.
It means that there weren'tenough spots for all the really
great people like you to getpromoted this time.
If you're feeling bad about it,please read the above paragraph.
This does not mean you are lessof anything.
(20:27):
Third, a wise woman once said, Ido not have to be the best as
long as I do my best.
Let me remind you, you did yourbest.
You put the work into thepackage.
You had multiple reviews.
You edited and updated over andover.
You are proud of what yousubmitted, and it was an
accurate representation of whoyou are.
(20:49):
There was nothing else you couldhave done.
You did your best fourth.
Eventually they'll run out ofother people to promote and it
will have to be your turn.
so don't quit applying.
You are not a quitter.
You can take a break and figureout what you want to do next,
but you will not be any lessthan what you already are.
(21:11):
You are a hard worker.
You will continue to work hard.
You want to make every positionbetter when you leave than when
you got there.
You will continue to do that.
You care about people and thatthey are taken care of and
undeveloped.
You will continue to do that.
You will continue to make thisorganization a better place.
You will support you, will serveyou will be amazing.
(21:34):
This lack of promotion is noreflection of who you are.
This doesn't change anything.
The person you were before yougot the news is the same person
you are now.
Now you're just a little hurtand pissed off and frustrated
and probably crying, but that'sokay.
Feel the feelings, then get overit and go back to being your
(21:58):
awesome self.
This is not the end.
And that's also what we sharedwith my son.
Um, we had told him that, itdoesn't change anything.
So you were either gonna be onthe team or you weren't gonna be
on the team.
It didn't change anything elseabout you.
And I think that's somethingthat we all need to know when we
go through hard times and we'restruggling and we feel like
(22:21):
there's nothing we can do, orthat everything's against us or
that we're failing that we'renot.
As long as we're doing our bestand we're learning and growing,
then everything is exactly theway it's supposed to be.
So I did have one other blogpost that I wanted to share.
This was not specific aboutpromotion, but it was another
(22:42):
one of those kind of lifelessons that I wanted to share
about how sometimes we seethings and it looks like it's
negative and we wanna stop andgive up and how we can't or
shouldn't.
So this is the last one I'llread.
When the rain comes, dealingwith difficult situations June
10th, 2019, you probably haven'tmissed the fact that it's been
(23:06):
raining a lot.
A couple weeks ago I was drivinghome and had a realization of
another leadership lesson.
It was a Tuesday and it was asudden hard rain.
You know the ones you look up atthe sky and think, Hmm, it's
getting a little gray, and thenbam, big, huge, heavy raindrops.
A deluge, floods coming down allaround you.
(23:29):
You get the idea.
Cars were slowing down andvisibility was worsening.
I saw a car cut over two lanesand park under an overpass,
presumably going to wait out thestorm until it was safer for him
to drive.
He was tempting.
He was getting so hard to see.
Stopping.
Seemed like a safe solution,maybe even easier, but I kept
(23:50):
driving.
I could see it clearing upahead, and the sky wasn't as
dark.
Maybe it wasn't even raining.
I had to just keep going, and Iknew the rain would stop.
I knew it would be better.
I was going to get through it,so I kept driving.
It wasn't more than a couplemiles and it happened.
The rain just stopped as fast asit came in, it was gone.
(24:11):
There was even a hint ofsunshine, and I was there
because I kept driving.
What's the point of this?
I shall explain.
Sometimes rain comes in ourlife.
Sometimes it's a breakup,sometimes it's an illness.
Sometimes it's a rejectionletter from a job or a
promotion.
And when rain comes in our life,there are ways we can respond.
(24:34):
We can stop and wait for thingsto get better.
We can shut down and give up, orwe can keep driving knowing that
the rain isn't there forever,that there is something better
on the other side.
We are coming up on the time ofyear when promotion
announcements are being made andas per usual, there will be
(24:55):
excitement and disappointment ifyou're on the side of
disappointment.
While the rejection, whether thefirst time or the fifth time
will hurt and feel like you'redrowning under a downpour, you
must keep driving.
The clouds will clear, the sunwill come back, and you'll be
farther ahead than the peoplewho quit and parked under the
(25:18):
overpass.
Don't stop driving.
So there you have it, friends.
A little bit of wisdom fromKristen from the past.
Which actually I think it'sreally good and I know it's
because I wrote it myself andI'm kind of biased.
And also that was like beforeanybody was using AI to write
(25:41):
anything.
So that was all literally me.
So going through all those blogposts and talking about helping
my son deal with it, I alsoremembered that we'd learned
about.
Resiliency in my leadershipprogram.
I just wanted to share a fewthings from that.
Because I talk about resilienceand resilient leadership and how
(26:05):
you cope with stress, pressure,adversity, and change coming.
And part of it is personalityand part of it can be trained.
And that's the part I reallywanna focus on is helping people
learn how to be more resilient.
The four key traits people needin order to be led and balanced,
even when under pressure, onefeeling of self-control, need to
feel they're in control of theirown destiny.
(26:28):
Two, feeling of belonging, beingpart of a team or community.
Three, feeling of self-worth andtendency to increase your own
self-worth.
And four, striving for happinessand joy.
So I would just encourage you,whether you're going through a
hard time now, or you've beenthrough a hard time and you've
(26:50):
been able to bounce back from itand build resiliency, just focus
on how you did it and maybe helpsomebody else.
Talks about being part of a teamor a community.
If there's somebody around yougoing through a hard time, maybe
you can help them.
Maybe there's somebody whodidn't get a job.
Maybe there's somebody who'sgoing through a relationship.
Problem.
or they Didn't get picked for arole on a basketball team or a
(27:12):
theatrical production, orthey're just struggling with
personal issues, health issues.
If there's anything you can doto help somebody else, I would
encourage you to do that.
Also how you can just kind of.
Learn on your own.
The final thing is I love AdamGrant.
If you have not read or listenedto a book by Adam Grant, I would
(27:32):
encourage you to, the one I mostrecently listened to was Hidden
Potential, the Science ofAchieving Greater Things.
Hidden Potential offers a newframework for raising
aspirations and exceedingexpectations.
Adam Grant weaves togethergroundbreaking evidence,
surprising insight, and vividstorytelling that takes us from
the classroom to the boardroom,the playground to the Olympics,
(27:55):
and underground to outer space.
Progress depends less on howhard you work than how well you
learn.
Growth is not about the geniusyou possess, it's about the
character you develop.
Grant explores how to build thecharacter skills and
motivational structures torealize our own potential and
how to design systems thatcreate opportunities for those
who have been underrated andoverlooked.
(28:18):
So I'm thinking about doing aseries of book club podcasts on
this book.
It's not necessarily anentertaining book, but it is one
that I feel fits the directionwe're going right now with
growth and learning that it'snot necessarily the people that
have the best talent, but theones that are able to learn and
(28:39):
grow.
And that's what I'm trying to dowith this podcast.
The season is help us find waysto learn and grow.
I hope that you got somethingout of this that it's meaningful
or maybe you'll just save it.
for When you are going through ahard time, You'll think, you
know what?
I think Kristen had an episodeabout that, that may be able to
help me now.
So just hang in there.
(28:59):
Friends, we are all going to getthrough this and be better for
it.
And if you need anything, youcan reach out to me, email, see
on Instagram, you know how toget ahold of me.
All right.
Bye guys.
That's a wrap for this week'sepisode.
Thanks so much for spending timewith me.
Until next time, be honest withyourself.
Ask the hard questions, andremember, you are not alone on
(29:23):
this journey.
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Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by Audiochuck Media Company.
The Brothers Ortiz
The Brothers Ortiz is the story of two brothers–both successful, but in very different ways. Gabe Ortiz becomes a third-highest ranking officer in all of Texas while his younger brother Larry climbs the ranks in Puro Tango Blast, a notorious Texas Prison gang. Gabe doesn’t know all the details of his brother’s nefarious dealings, and he’s made a point not to ask, to protect their relationship. But when Larry is murdered during a home invasion in a rented beach house, Gabe has no choice but to look into what happened that night. To solve Larry’s murder, Gabe, and the whole Ortiz family, must ask each other tough questions.