September 11, 2025 • 24 mins
This is one of the most personal and honest episodes I’ve ever done. I take a step back and reflect on the darkest season of my life — the moment I almost ended it all — and why I’m grateful I didn’t.
This episode is about more than just my story. It’s about the pain we carry, the battles no one sees, and the choice to keep going when quitting feels like the only option.
If you’ve ever felt like giving up, I want you to hear this: your story isn’t done. You are not alone.
September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and this is one of the most personal episodes I’ve ever recorded.
In this remastered episode, I reflect on the darkest season of my life — the moment I almost ended it all — and why I’m grateful I didn’t. This conversation is for every Marine, veteran, and anyone out there who’s ever felt like they couldn’t keep going.
Your story isn’t done. You still have time to rewrite the ending. You still have a purpose.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – Dial 988 (24/7, confidential)
Veterans Crisis Line – Dial 988, then press 1 (or text 838255)
Wounded Warrior Project Resource Center – 888-997-2586
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine – 1-800-950-NAMI
Check on your people — not just this month, but every day. Sometimes just one conversation can save a life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:19):
This episode is sponsored by Better Help.
What's going on everybody? As we all know, mental health is
a huge piece for me. And recently, as I become a
better version of myself, I've decided that it's time for me to
go to therapy because I understand how life can be a
little overwhelming and we all need help navigating through the
trenches of military service in and out of uniform.
Better Help connects you with a licensed therapist who is
(00:40):
trained to listen and give you helpful, unbiased advice. 1st
all you got to do is go to theirsite.
Matter of fact, you can use my link right here.
Answer a few questions and Better Help will match you with
a professional who has years of experience in helping people
with struggles just like yours. You can do it.
All from your phone or computer,via phone call or video chat or
(01:00):
messaging however you feel most comfortable.
It's the easiest possible. Way to start talking to a
therapist. You will be matched to a
therapist usually within 48 hours so you can get started
fast. Let Better help connect you to a
therapist who can support you all from the comfort of your
home. Visit betterhelp.com/meech
Speaks and. Enjoy a special discount.
On your first month. Damn, it's been a rough week.
(01:27):
Oh my God, man. You know, I was scrolling
through Instagram and I just really want to just say that one
of my favorite things about Instagram is the feature of the
archives. Like I love the archive feature
and being able to go back in a moment of time within your life,
You see what I'm saying and justsee where you were at, man.
I love that. I love that because, you know,
(01:48):
they always say like a picture says 1000 words.
And I, I always wondered what itmeant.
Like, you know, like when someone sees it, you know, they
could put, you know, there's 1000 words of stories that they
could put together or assumptions or, you know, just
theories from the viewer. But if you really look at it,
the picture is telling the 1000 words from the person that took
(02:08):
in and the person that's in it. Like, like have you ever just
looked at a picture and capturedand revisit that moment within
history? Like you saw a picture of
yourself and as you're everyone else is in awe of that moment,
you stand back and you sit to yourself and you say like, damn.
Like I remember when I was goingthrough that.
Like I remember when I thought that I wouldn't even get to this
(02:29):
moment. Like this is such a spectacular
moment within my life because I thought that I wasn't going to
get to it. Or like you like damn, like this
outfit was so nice. I'm glad I was able to capture a
picture because I felt like thiswas just the worst day for me.
You know, I, I, I love being able to revisit those moments,
whether it's a couple of days, whether it's a couple of weeks,
(02:50):
a couple of months, a couple of years.
Just recently I actually saw, Oh, shit, what's going on
everybody? It's that ordinary podcast with
the extraordinary thoughts that tells you to stop being great
and be extraordinary. I'm your host, Demetrius Thick
and also known as Meech speaks. And welcome back to another
episode of extraordinary thoughts for the ordinary mind.
ANYWAYS, I was, I was looking ata archive of me in August of
(03:15):
2018, in August of 2018. For those who don't really know,
that was the pivoting, the pivoting point.
I hope I said that, right? That was the point right before
I started speaking. That was right before I became
Meech Speaks. And before that, I was just, I
(03:35):
was just a Marine, you know, 15,16/17/18.
I mean, my entire military career, to be honest with you, I
was just the Marine, no other aspirations, no other, nothing
else. Just hoping that I would make it
to 20 years. And I, you know, I really just
want to take a moment, man, because I don't know who need to
hear this. But as we go into this month, I
know it's a couple of people that stressed out about things
(03:58):
that they just can't control. You stressed out about things
that you just can't control. And I don't know who needs to
hear this, but that shit's out of your hands.
Like that's in God's hands. Like you really need to mind
your own business. And 2018, I really wish I would
have gave myself that type of advice.
You know, like this stuff is outof God's hands.
(04:19):
I mean, this stuff is in God's hands.
Like, like you really have no control in the things that you
doing right now. Like you had control in the
beginning. You have control of how you
react, but right now, as the process works itself out, you
have no control in that. Like, I really wish, I really
wish I would have just damn, I'mso happy I didn't kill myself
(04:44):
back then. Fuck, like, damn.
Now I know that was a big, that was a big, that was a big bomb
to drop on everybody. But at some point there was just
I, I really just wanted to checkout like I was.
So as I was trying to find my passion, as I was trying to find
(05:08):
my purpose, as I was existing inlife, I really just wanted to
cease my existence. And there, there's no shame in
me saying this right now. I'm not, I don't feel ashamed in
saying it. It took years to be able to
finally get it off my chest. But to be honest with you, I
just, I just didn't see no point, you know, and I know
somebody right now, they're going to reach out to me as they
(05:29):
hear this episode and say, Oh, well, you know, you're important
and everything. I, I know that.
I know that now. Trust me, I get that now.
But during those times when there was nobody else but me, I,
I just didn't see it. And I really, and as I create
this episode, I really want you to understand that, you know,
(05:51):
one thing that I've always hatedis when people say that there's
going to be better days. Like, trust me, I understand.
There's going to be better days.Like, like they say, like you're
gonna get through this. Like, no shit I'm gonna get
through this. Like what you're saying to me is
like telling me that, you know, there's a Tuesday after a
Monday. Like no shit.
Like there's, you know, don't worry, man.
Like Z comes after A, but what about the other fucking letters
(06:11):
in the alphabet that I'm gonna have to deal with?
Like that was the battle that I was really dealing with, you
know, like when I would drive towork, I remember there was a
time where there was a semi truck coming.
I took my foot off the brake andI just slowly just watched it
happen. And then I slam back on the
brakes and re grabbed on to my life, you know, and I, I, I, I,
I say that because I don't, you know, First off, let's not do
(06:33):
the whole woe with me. Like I'm good.
Trust me, I'm good. But for those who are here in
this episode right now who just need a little bit more
reinforcements within their life, you feel me?
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is always there.
If you can't reach out to your family and friends, don't forget
to grab a pen and paper and dial1-800-273-8255.
(06:54):
Once again, that's 1-800-273-8255.
Now, one of the biggest reasons why I was just so happy that I
didn't check out is because, youknow, life is like, to me, with
all the character development that you experience within life,
it's like a good TV show and you're the main character.
(07:17):
You have supporting characters that come within, in and out of
your life. You have events that change the
course of the series, but overall, you're the main
character. And a lot of times, like we see
those series that start off slowand then they pick up traction.
You know what I mean? Or you see those series where
they have like that little slow point or that time of adversity
and that uncertainty within the series.
(07:37):
Like, you know, if you decide toturn the TV off right then and
there, you're gonna miss a majorpoint within the series.
Like if you decide to stop watching it right now, you're
gonna miss a major point within it.
And I don't think people really understand that.
Like when you got like a passion, dream purpose and you
(07:59):
going through it, you trying to make it work and you constantly
keep hidden hit by failure. If you decide to walk away from
it right now, that is the thing that you will be leaving with is
failure. Like you not going to be able to
get the money back that you poured into it.
You're not going to be able to get back the time that you
poured into it. You're not going to get back all
the things that you sacrifice. It does not.
(08:20):
There's no refund on dreams and aspirations.
There's no refund on that pursuit.
So when I tell you that one of the things I'm so thankful that
I continue to keep moving forward with is that if I would
have died right then and there, like, like if I would have just
decided to not do it anymore, I would have never learned to love
myself. Like like I never would have
(08:43):
learned to love myself. And people always, you know,
like despite popular belief, there was a time where I just
did not love myself. Let me rephrase.
I just didn't love who I was. I did not love that person.
Everybody else was so captivatedby my accomplishments and would
find themselves uncomfortable when I would walk into a room
(09:06):
because of my accolades. But to me, I just felt like I
was just a piece of shit. Like to me, I was unimpressed.
Like to me, I did not see the hype.
People would compliment me and Iwould just feel so uncomfortable
by it because deep down I just was not comfortable with myself.
And the see me now. You feel me like the see me now.
(09:29):
That's the crazy part loving myself.
Let me rephrase because there's still so much of me that I have
not learned to love just yet. And there's still so much of me
that I still want to love. But the parts of me that I'm
learning to love and accept, I'mso proud of it.
Like if I would have checked outright now, I would have never
found the confidence that I havebeen searching for.
(09:50):
Like I would have never found the confidence that I pour into
my Marines. Like I would have never found
the confidence that I pour into each episode.
Like like we always sit back andwe saying like, 2020 is a rough
year. You see what I'm saying?
Like 2020 is a rough year. But the thing that I, I, I've,
I've gained throughout this yearis a new found confidence, like,
(10:11):
like, like it's a certain level of confidence that I have
acquired throughout all of this adversity.
I would have never found the strength that I was looking for.
Like, like it feels so good to finally learn how to pour into
yourself when you've been pouring into someone else this
(10:31):
entire time. Like you think it's a simple
task, Like, you know, the same way that you pour into somebody
else is that you can pour into yourself.
But the thing that you forget is, is that I don't know you,
but I do know me and the love that I'm giving you.
I probably just feel like I don't, I don't deserve that.
So I will say right now as we continue with this episode, that
(10:54):
the one thing that I'm just so thankful for, you know, thankful
for continuing on, is finding that new love for me, that new
confidence for me. And if you're hearing this right
now, the one thing that I want you to take away from this
episode, if anything, is that ifyou check out right now, if you
decide to stop pursuing your goals, if you decide to stop
(11:16):
pursuing that change within, like if you listen to everybody
who say that you're acting different, you know, who's
saying to you right now that you, your mind said different
than everybody else? That is just not clicking.
And everybody's trying to tell you to revert back to the old
version of you because that's the version that they have
access to you. You will regret it.
You are going to regret it. And all of that time spit and
(11:40):
becoming the version that you are right now because this ain't
even your final form. All of this growth, you feel me?
You can't get it back. Like some of y'all don't
understand that sometimes growthand change is like driving
across country. It is going to take more than a
day to get there. But if you decide to go back,
(12:01):
even though you got halfway there, you ain't going to be
able to get that gas back. You're not going to be able to
get that time back all that money back.
So if you going to continue to move forward, continue to move
forward, I think the next, the next thing that I'm just so
(12:22):
happy that we I was able to witness or I was able to
continue to, I was able to see was that if I would have just
walked away from all of this, you know, like, you know, just
checked out of life, I would have never, I would have never
found my passion. And you know what, let me
rephrase, let me rephrase. It's not that I was I, I had
(12:43):
found it. I would have never acknowledged
it. My passion had always been
there. My gift had always been there.
But The thing is, is that for years I had spent so much of my
time looking for a treasure thatcan never be found for for
years, I was looking and pouringinto something that wasn't
(13:05):
pouring back into me. But the whole time, my dream was
being malnourished. And when I finally realized it,
you see, I'm saying like, like, like there was such a big shift,
like, like, like This is why I tell people to follow your
passions. Because when you follow your
passions, there's just somethingabout you that you gonna give
(13:28):
off that's just different than everybody else.
Like I went from going to work and showing up early just to put
my head on the steering wheel togetting out my car, taking care
of my business just so I can go back and go take care of some
other business that I'm really passionate about.
You see what I'm saying? Like ain't nothing man.
If I would have killed my damn self, I probably would never
(13:50):
even been this like like like you would have never got a
chance to see the author like like we would have never gotten
a chance to see the podcaster. Like if I would have never found
a way to channel my pain and andand negative emotions like like
where would I be? And this is the lesson that I
really want you to take from this one right here.
(14:15):
Imagine imagine going to the store and you see a outfit and
you just like I don't want it. A day later you see that exact
same outfit on somebody else andyou say to yourself, like damn,
it does look good. I wish I would have went and got
it. Imagine imagine walking out of a
movie theater just to find out that the movie got better.
(14:38):
But you if you would have just stayed, you would have noticed.
You would have saw. Imagine being at the casino and
you decide to walk away and on the dime that you walk away,
that's when the jackpot hits. That's what it feels like.
Like, we'll never know what it'slike on the other side, but I
(15:00):
imagine to see your timeline andfind out that if you just would
have endured just a couple of more years, if you would have
endured a couple of more days, if you would have endured just a
couple of more seconds, you would have finally hit the
jackpot. Like you always see those
illustrations of the diamond in the dirt and the guy walking
away. Because if he just would have
(15:20):
dug one more time, he would havefinally got the treasure that he
had been working so hard for. So it it, it brings tears to my
eyes. You feel me like it really
brings tears to my eyes to know that at some point I would have
never been this person. It brings tears to my eyes to
know that I would have never found what it means to be alive.
(15:44):
It brings tears to my eyes to know that there's somebody right
now that's willing to give up all of that time spent and
they'll never be the person thatthey've been desiring to be.
And that person is just one moreknock away, they one more dig
away, they one more step away. If I would have checked out
(16:08):
right now, I'd have never been Meech.
I'd have never been happy. That passion that burns within
me would have been put out in that exact moment right there
next. And I, you know, I kind of feel
(16:29):
like this one, I actually I'd a lot of missed out.
You know, this is another reasonwhy I kind of I'm happy that I
just continue moving forward because dude, I would have
missed out. Like you ever seen that movie
Coach Carter? And in Coach Carter, there's the
part where I forget that guy's name, but you know, he's like
the the Puerto Rican dude with the ponytail.
(16:50):
And he had quit the team early in the the movie, you feel me?
And he got to see the team like engage and he went back to the
hood and the kid, the team started receiving all the
success and XY and Z. And I imagine that's probably
what it would have been like forme in purgatory.
You know what I mean? Like, I'd like to see everybody
else just living their best lifeand going through this one hell
(17:11):
of a year and you're left out. You know, you're back on the
bench because you decided that life was just too much for you
and you decided to check out like the shit just was too much.
And now you missing out on some of the best years of your life.
Like everybody else is having a time of their lives stressed out
about what they're going to do. And you, you can't enjoy that.
Like, like everybody else is witnessing a big point in which
(17:33):
they are about to grow. Like a lot of people don't
understand how powerful 2020 is for everybody.
And trust me, this one hell of afucking year.
This one hell of a year, but a lot of people don't realize how
powerful this year is. Like there's people that are
really walking in their purpose and passions because they are
(17:54):
pulled away from the medane and the monotony of their lives.
Like there's people really, really finding themselves
because they have to social distance themselves from
everybody else. Like I think to myself on that
day when I really decided that Iwas really gonna do it and to
(18:15):
know that I probably would neverhad experienced the growth that
I had been looking for for so long, it just pains me.
And I'm thankful that I was ableto endure that.
You know what I mean? Like I'm thankful that I was
able to continue that. Lastly, and you know, bear with
(18:36):
me, 'cause I probably might get emotional, cry on air.
If I would have did it, I'd haveactually become my father, you
know, like, like, like I would have been bad.
I would have abandoned my kids the same way that he abandoned
us, you know, and let me friends, I would have abandoned
my kids in a similar fashion that he would have abandoned us,
you know, because for those who don't understand how addiction
(18:58):
work, it's not that, you know, they just leave and come in and
out of your life. It's the the big issue with that
is that they're slowly killing themselves and you get to
witness them slowly kill themselves.
And I imagine because when this happened, I had kids.
I had kids. You know, they say, oh, think
about your kids, you know, you know, you, you know, think about
what you're living for. You know, you got to find
(19:19):
something to live for. But The thing is, is that when
you want to end the life that you currently are in, those
things don't really matter. And I say that they don't
matter. They don't matter enough for you
to continue to keep moving forward because you don't tell
you. One thing that we forget is that
we know each other. We know how to talk to each
other, not each other. We know how to talk to
(19:42):
ourselves. We know exactly what to say.
We know exactly how to say it. I remember in those moments I
could persuade. I could, I could persuade myself
and say things like they would be better without me.
They would, they would, they're,they're young.
They would, they would forget this.
(20:04):
They, they won't miss me. I don't know who needs to hear
this, but you never know. What somebody is going through
and and I really need you to understand right now that I
don't know who needs to hear this, but you never know who you
(20:27):
really are inspiring. Like like I don't think somebody
really understands that somebodythat you will never meet a day
in your life. They won't never come up to you.
They won't never speak to you, but they will secretly watch you
over and over and over and over and they really just send in
nothing but positive vibrations.They really just hoping for you
(20:48):
to make it through because you are the motivation and
inspiration that they need to continue to move forward.
You really don't know who you impact in and although like you
think that you mean nothing, youreally, you actually mean the
world to somebody. Like people always get upset,
you know, when they say and ask God, when they face some form of
(21:09):
adversity, You know, God, why isthis happening to me?
Why me? I don't think you really
understand. Because if it was given to
somebody else, they will fuckingfold.
Like, like, like if, if, if thisadversity was weighed upon
someone else, they will crumble upon the pressure.
Like it's gotta happen to you. You the only one that's gonna be
(21:30):
able to tell this story. Let me rephrase this.
You the only one that can endurethis shit.
You the only one. And I didn't understand that at
that moment. And it took time for me to
finally, when I started to tell my story, that these things had
to happen so that way I can be able to echo it to the masses.
(21:52):
Like earlier, I said that, you know, I'm just a vessel, A
vessel that the universe speaks through.
I'm serious by that, that I'm nothing more but a passageway.
That energy just comes back and forth through.
But if I would have decided to check out Dan, who would have
been able to tell the message, like if I would have decided to
(22:12):
check out then the inspiration, the aspirations of who I was to
somebody else, I would have cut off.
Like I sit back and I look at mykids and I and I don't think and
I and I say to myself, like, y'all just really don't
understand the things that I'm really pioneering for.
Y'all not changing. I'm pioneering, I'm creating,
(22:35):
and I'm so happy that I was ableto find myself again as I was
lost. And as we come to a close to
this episode, you know, there's a couple of things I just really
need you to take away. I really just need you to grab
as you walk through this morningand take on this new day.
I really just need you to understand this, even it if it
(22:58):
even if it ain't this extreme asyour life, if you decide to walk
away right now, imagine the things that you are giving up.
You know that time with your family.
So that way you said that you could have time with your family
that you ain't gonna never be able to get back.
You know all that energy you'd spent pouring into it.
You know all that money you spent pouring into it.
(23:19):
There ain't no refund on that. As you sit back and you say to
yourself, like, why is this happening to me?
I need you to understand that ifit didn't happen to you and the
story would never get told. Like if you've ever heard that
saying, like, you know, if you want it done right, you got to
do it yourself. Well, I'm gonna tell you right
now that if it was done with somebody else, they would have
crumbled and the story would never been told.
(23:41):
It had to happen to you because you, the vessel that needs to be
towed through the love that you have longed for.
I can assure you, you about to find out how to love yourself.
But if you check out right now, you would never know what it's
like to love yourself. Continue to move forward.
(24:02):
God damn man, I'm just I'm just I'm I'm just I'm just so happy I
didn't kill myself and just likethat, another extraordinary
thought left this ordinary mind.I hope you enjoyed this episode
half as much as I enjoy making it.
Don't forget to head on over to your favorite streaming
platform, whether that's Apple Podcast or Spotify Podcast, and
leave this podcast on honest review because this podcast
(24:22):
deserves to grow just as much as.
We do also. Don't forget to head on over to
TikTok or Instagram and follow me at Meech.
Speaks. That's right, Meech Speaks
Meecha. M EE Ch Stay motivated, stay
healthy. I'm out.
This episode is sponsored by Better Help.
What's going on everybody? As we all know, mental health is
a huge piece for me. And recently, as I become a
better version of myself, I've decided that it's time for me to
go to therapy because I understand how life can be a
little overwhelming and we all need help navigating through the
trenches of military service in and out of uniform.
Better Help connects you with a licensed therapist who is
(00:40):
trained to listen and give you helpful, unbiased advice. 1st
all you got to do is go to theirsite.
Matter of fact, you can use my link right here.
Answer a few questions and Better Help will match you with
a professional who has years of experience in helping people
with struggles just like yours. You can do it.
All from your phone or computer,via phone call or video chat or
(01:00):
messaging however you feel most comfortable.
It's the easiest possible. Way to start talking to a
therapist. You will be matched to a
therapist usually within 48 hours so you can get started
fast. Let Better help connect you to a
therapist who can support you all from the comfort of your
home. Visit betterhelp.com/meech
Speaks and. Enjoy a special discount.
On your first month. Damn, it's been a rough week.
(01:27):
Oh my God, man. You know, I was scrolling
through Instagram and I just really want to just say that one
of my favorite things about Instagram is the feature of the
archives. Like I love the archive feature
and being able to go back in a moment of time within your life,
You see what I'm saying and justsee where you were at, man.
I love that. I love that because, you know,
(01:48):
they always say like a picture says 1000 words.
And I, I always wondered what itmeant.
Like, you know, like when someone sees it, you know, they
could put, you know, there's 1000 words of stories that they
could put together or assumptions or, you know, just
theories from the viewer. But if you really look at it,
the picture is telling the 1000 words from the person that took
(02:08):
in and the person that's in it. Like, like have you ever just
looked at a picture and capturedand revisit that moment within
history? Like you saw a picture of
yourself and as you're everyone else is in awe of that moment,
you stand back and you sit to yourself and you say like, damn.
Like I remember when I was goingthrough that.
Like I remember when I thought that I wouldn't even get to this
(02:29):
moment. Like this is such a spectacular
moment within my life because I thought that I wasn't going to
get to it. Or like you like damn, like this
outfit was so nice. I'm glad I was able to capture a
picture because I felt like thiswas just the worst day for me.
You know, I, I, I love being able to revisit those moments,
whether it's a couple of days, whether it's a couple of weeks,
(02:50):
a couple of months, a couple of years.
Just recently I actually saw, Oh, shit, what's going on
everybody? It's that ordinary podcast with
the extraordinary thoughts that tells you to stop being great
and be extraordinary. I'm your host, Demetrius Thick
and also known as Meech speaks. And welcome back to another
episode of extraordinary thoughts for the ordinary mind.
ANYWAYS, I was, I was looking ata archive of me in August of
(03:15):
2018, in August of 2018. For those who don't really know,
that was the pivoting, the pivoting point.
I hope I said that, right? That was the point right before
I started speaking. That was right before I became
Meech Speaks. And before that, I was just, I
(03:35):
was just a Marine, you know, 15,16/17/18.
I mean, my entire military career, to be honest with you, I
was just the Marine, no other aspirations, no other, nothing
else. Just hoping that I would make it
to 20 years. And I, you know, I really just
want to take a moment, man, because I don't know who need to
hear this. But as we go into this month, I
know it's a couple of people that stressed out about things
(03:58):
that they just can't control. You stressed out about things
that you just can't control. And I don't know who needs to
hear this, but that shit's out of your hands.
Like that's in God's hands. Like you really need to mind
your own business. And 2018, I really wish I would
have gave myself that type of advice.
You know, like this stuff is outof God's hands.
(04:19):
I mean, this stuff is in God's hands.
Like, like you really have no control in the things that you
doing right now. Like you had control in the
beginning. You have control of how you
react, but right now, as the process works itself out, you
have no control in that. Like, I really wish, I really
wish I would have just damn, I'mso happy I didn't kill myself
(04:44):
back then. Fuck, like, damn.
Now I know that was a big, that was a big, that was a big bomb
to drop on everybody. But at some point there was just
I, I really just wanted to checkout like I was.
So as I was trying to find my passion, as I was trying to find
(05:08):
my purpose, as I was existing inlife, I really just wanted to
cease my existence. And there, there's no shame in
me saying this right now. I'm not, I don't feel ashamed in
saying it. It took years to be able to
finally get it off my chest. But to be honest with you, I
just, I just didn't see no point, you know, and I know
somebody right now, they're going to reach out to me as they
(05:29):
hear this episode and say, Oh, well, you know, you're important
and everything. I, I know that.
I know that now. Trust me, I get that now.
But during those times when there was nobody else but me, I,
I just didn't see it. And I really, and as I create
this episode, I really want you to understand that, you know,
(05:51):
one thing that I've always hatedis when people say that there's
going to be better days. Like, trust me, I understand.
There's going to be better days.Like, like they say, like you're
gonna get through this. Like, no shit I'm gonna get
through this. Like what you're saying to me is
like telling me that, you know, there's a Tuesday after a
Monday. Like no shit.
Like there's, you know, don't worry, man.
Like Z comes after A, but what about the other fucking letters
(06:11):
in the alphabet that I'm gonna have to deal with?
Like that was the battle that I was really dealing with, you
know, like when I would drive towork, I remember there was a
time where there was a semi truck coming.
I took my foot off the brake andI just slowly just watched it
happen. And then I slam back on the
brakes and re grabbed on to my life, you know, and I, I, I, I,
I say that because I don't, you know, First off, let's not do
(06:33):
the whole woe with me. Like I'm good.
Trust me, I'm good. But for those who are here in
this episode right now who just need a little bit more
reinforcements within their life, you feel me?
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is always there.
If you can't reach out to your family and friends, don't forget
to grab a pen and paper and dial1-800-273-8255.
(06:54):
Once again, that's 1-800-273-8255.
Now, one of the biggest reasons why I was just so happy that I
didn't check out is because, youknow, life is like, to me, with
all the character development that you experience within life,
it's like a good TV show and you're the main character.
(07:17):
You have supporting characters that come within, in and out of
your life. You have events that change the
course of the series, but overall, you're the main
character. And a lot of times, like we see
those series that start off slowand then they pick up traction.
You know what I mean? Or you see those series where
they have like that little slow point or that time of adversity
and that uncertainty within the series.
(07:37):
Like, you know, if you decide toturn the TV off right then and
there, you're gonna miss a majorpoint within the series.
Like if you decide to stop watching it right now, you're
gonna miss a major point within it.
And I don't think people really understand that.
Like when you got like a passion, dream purpose and you
(07:59):
going through it, you trying to make it work and you constantly
keep hidden hit by failure. If you decide to walk away from
it right now, that is the thing that you will be leaving with is
failure. Like you not going to be able to
get the money back that you poured into it.
You're not going to be able to get back the time that you
poured into it. You're not going to get back all
the things that you sacrifice. It does not.
(08:20):
There's no refund on dreams and aspirations.
There's no refund on that pursuit.
So when I tell you that one of the things I'm so thankful that
I continue to keep moving forward with is that if I would
have died right then and there, like, like if I would have just
decided to not do it anymore, I would have never learned to love
myself. Like like I never would have
(08:43):
learned to love myself. And people always, you know,
like despite popular belief, there was a time where I just
did not love myself. Let me rephrase.
I just didn't love who I was. I did not love that person.
Everybody else was so captivatedby my accomplishments and would
find themselves uncomfortable when I would walk into a room
(09:06):
because of my accolades. But to me, I just felt like I
was just a piece of shit. Like to me, I was unimpressed.
Like to me, I did not see the hype.
People would compliment me and Iwould just feel so uncomfortable
by it because deep down I just was not comfortable with myself.
And the see me now. You feel me like the see me now.
(09:29):
That's the crazy part loving myself.
Let me rephrase because there's still so much of me that I have
not learned to love just yet. And there's still so much of me
that I still want to love. But the parts of me that I'm
learning to love and accept, I'mso proud of it.
Like if I would have checked outright now, I would have never
found the confidence that I havebeen searching for.
(09:50):
Like I would have never found the confidence that I pour into
my Marines. Like I would have never found
the confidence that I pour into each episode.
Like like we always sit back andwe saying like, 2020 is a rough
year. You see what I'm saying?
Like 2020 is a rough year. But the thing that I, I, I've,
I've gained throughout this yearis a new found confidence, like,
(10:11):
like, like it's a certain level of confidence that I have
acquired throughout all of this adversity.
I would have never found the strength that I was looking for.
Like, like it feels so good to finally learn how to pour into
yourself when you've been pouring into someone else this
(10:31):
entire time. Like you think it's a simple
task, Like, you know, the same way that you pour into somebody
else is that you can pour into yourself.
But the thing that you forget is, is that I don't know you,
but I do know me and the love that I'm giving you.
I probably just feel like I don't, I don't deserve that.
So I will say right now as we continue with this episode, that
(10:54):
the one thing that I'm just so thankful for, you know, thankful
for continuing on, is finding that new love for me, that new
confidence for me. And if you're hearing this right
now, the one thing that I want you to take away from this
episode, if anything, is that ifyou check out right now, if you
decide to stop pursuing your goals, if you decide to stop
(11:16):
pursuing that change within, like if you listen to everybody
who say that you're acting different, you know, who's
saying to you right now that you, your mind said different
than everybody else? That is just not clicking.
And everybody's trying to tell you to revert back to the old
version of you because that's the version that they have
access to you. You will regret it.
You are going to regret it. And all of that time spit and
(11:40):
becoming the version that you are right now because this ain't
even your final form. All of this growth, you feel me?
You can't get it back. Like some of y'all don't
understand that sometimes growthand change is like driving
across country. It is going to take more than a
day to get there. But if you decide to go back,
(12:01):
even though you got halfway there, you ain't going to be
able to get that gas back. You're not going to be able to
get that time back all that money back.
So if you going to continue to move forward, continue to move
forward, I think the next, the next thing that I'm just so
(12:22):
happy that we I was able to witness or I was able to
continue to, I was able to see was that if I would have just
walked away from all of this, you know, like, you know, just
checked out of life, I would have never, I would have never
found my passion. And you know what, let me
rephrase, let me rephrase. It's not that I was I, I had
(12:43):
found it. I would have never acknowledged
it. My passion had always been
there. My gift had always been there.
But The thing is, is that for years I had spent so much of my
time looking for a treasure thatcan never be found for for
years, I was looking and pouringinto something that wasn't
(13:05):
pouring back into me. But the whole time, my dream was
being malnourished. And when I finally realized it,
you see, I'm saying like, like, like there was such a big shift,
like, like, like This is why I tell people to follow your
passions. Because when you follow your
passions, there's just somethingabout you that you gonna give
(13:28):
off that's just different than everybody else.
Like I went from going to work and showing up early just to put
my head on the steering wheel togetting out my car, taking care
of my business just so I can go back and go take care of some
other business that I'm really passionate about.
You see what I'm saying? Like ain't nothing man.
If I would have killed my damn self, I probably would never
(13:50):
even been this like like like you would have never got a
chance to see the author like like we would have never gotten
a chance to see the podcaster. Like if I would have never found
a way to channel my pain and andand negative emotions like like
where would I be? And this is the lesson that I
really want you to take from this one right here.
(14:15):
Imagine imagine going to the store and you see a outfit and
you just like I don't want it. A day later you see that exact
same outfit on somebody else andyou say to yourself, like damn,
it does look good. I wish I would have went and got
it. Imagine imagine walking out of a
movie theater just to find out that the movie got better.
(14:38):
But you if you would have just stayed, you would have noticed.
You would have saw. Imagine being at the casino and
you decide to walk away and on the dime that you walk away,
that's when the jackpot hits. That's what it feels like.
Like, we'll never know what it'slike on the other side, but I
(15:00):
imagine to see your timeline andfind out that if you just would
have endured just a couple of more years, if you would have
endured a couple of more days, if you would have endured just a
couple of more seconds, you would have finally hit the
jackpot. Like you always see those
illustrations of the diamond in the dirt and the guy walking
away. Because if he just would have
(15:20):
dug one more time, he would havefinally got the treasure that he
had been working so hard for. So it it, it brings tears to my
eyes. You feel me like it really
brings tears to my eyes to know that at some point I would have
never been this person. It brings tears to my eyes to
know that I would have never found what it means to be alive.
(15:44):
It brings tears to my eyes to know that there's somebody right
now that's willing to give up all of that time spent and
they'll never be the person thatthey've been desiring to be.
And that person is just one moreknock away, they one more dig
away, they one more step away. If I would have checked out
(16:08):
right now, I'd have never been Meech.
I'd have never been happy. That passion that burns within
me would have been put out in that exact moment right there
next. And I, you know, I kind of feel
(16:29):
like this one, I actually I'd a lot of missed out.
You know, this is another reasonwhy I kind of I'm happy that I
just continue moving forward because dude, I would have
missed out. Like you ever seen that movie
Coach Carter? And in Coach Carter, there's the
part where I forget that guy's name, but you know, he's like
the the Puerto Rican dude with the ponytail.
(16:50):
And he had quit the team early in the the movie, you feel me?
And he got to see the team like engage and he went back to the
hood and the kid, the team started receiving all the
success and XY and Z. And I imagine that's probably
what it would have been like forme in purgatory.
You know what I mean? Like, I'd like to see everybody
else just living their best lifeand going through this one hell
(17:11):
of a year and you're left out. You know, you're back on the
bench because you decided that life was just too much for you
and you decided to check out like the shit just was too much.
And now you missing out on some of the best years of your life.
Like everybody else is having a time of their lives stressed out
about what they're going to do. And you, you can't enjoy that.
Like, like everybody else is witnessing a big point in which
(17:33):
they are about to grow. Like a lot of people don't
understand how powerful 2020 is for everybody.
And trust me, this one hell of afucking year.
This one hell of a year, but a lot of people don't realize how
powerful this year is. Like there's people that are
really walking in their purpose and passions because they are
(17:54):
pulled away from the medane and the monotony of their lives.
Like there's people really, really finding themselves
because they have to social distance themselves from
everybody else. Like I think to myself on that
day when I really decided that Iwas really gonna do it and to
(18:15):
know that I probably would neverhad experienced the growth that
I had been looking for for so long, it just pains me.
And I'm thankful that I was ableto endure that.
You know what I mean? Like I'm thankful that I was
able to continue that. Lastly, and you know, bear with
(18:36):
me, 'cause I probably might get emotional, cry on air.
If I would have did it, I'd haveactually become my father, you
know, like, like, like I would have been bad.
I would have abandoned my kids the same way that he abandoned
us, you know, and let me friends, I would have abandoned
my kids in a similar fashion that he would have abandoned us,
you know, because for those who don't understand how addiction
(18:58):
work, it's not that, you know, they just leave and come in and
out of your life. It's the the big issue with that
is that they're slowly killing themselves and you get to
witness them slowly kill themselves.
And I imagine because when this happened, I had kids.
I had kids. You know, they say, oh, think
about your kids, you know, you know, you, you know, think about
what you're living for. You know, you got to find
(19:19):
something to live for. But The thing is, is that when
you want to end the life that you currently are in, those
things don't really matter. And I say that they don't
matter. They don't matter enough for you
to continue to keep moving forward because you don't tell
you. One thing that we forget is that
we know each other. We know how to talk to each
other, not each other. We know how to talk to
(19:42):
ourselves. We know exactly what to say.
We know exactly how to say it. I remember in those moments I
could persuade. I could, I could persuade myself
and say things like they would be better without me.
They would, they would, they're,they're young.
They would, they would forget this.
(20:04):
They, they won't miss me. I don't know who needs to hear
this, but you never know. What somebody is going through
and and I really need you to understand right now that I
don't know who needs to hear this, but you never know who you
(20:27):
really are inspiring. Like like I don't think somebody
really understands that somebodythat you will never meet a day
in your life. They won't never come up to you.
They won't never speak to you, but they will secretly watch you
over and over and over and over and they really just send in
nothing but positive vibrations.They really just hoping for you
(20:48):
to make it through because you are the motivation and
inspiration that they need to continue to move forward.
You really don't know who you impact in and although like you
think that you mean nothing, youreally, you actually mean the
world to somebody. Like people always get upset,
you know, when they say and ask God, when they face some form of
(21:09):
adversity, You know, God, why isthis happening to me?
Why me? I don't think you really
understand. Because if it was given to
somebody else, they will fuckingfold.
Like, like, like if, if, if thisadversity was weighed upon
someone else, they will crumble upon the pressure.
Like it's gotta happen to you. You the only one that's gonna be
(21:30):
able to tell this story. Let me rephrase this.
You the only one that can endurethis shit.
You the only one. And I didn't understand that at
that moment. And it took time for me to
finally, when I started to tell my story, that these things had
to happen so that way I can be able to echo it to the masses.
(21:52):
Like earlier, I said that, you know, I'm just a vessel, A
vessel that the universe speaks through.
I'm serious by that, that I'm nothing more but a passageway.
That energy just comes back and forth through.
But if I would have decided to check out Dan, who would have
been able to tell the message, like if I would have decided to
(22:12):
check out then the inspiration, the aspirations of who I was to
somebody else, I would have cut off.
Like I sit back and I look at mykids and I and I don't think and
I and I say to myself, like, y'all just really don't
understand the things that I'm really pioneering for.
Y'all not changing. I'm pioneering, I'm creating,
(22:35):
and I'm so happy that I was ableto find myself again as I was
lost. And as we come to a close to
this episode, you know, there's a couple of things I just really
need you to take away. I really just need you to grab
as you walk through this morningand take on this new day.
I really just need you to understand this, even it if it
(22:58):
even if it ain't this extreme asyour life, if you decide to walk
away right now, imagine the things that you are giving up.
You know that time with your family.
So that way you said that you could have time with your family
that you ain't gonna never be able to get back.
You know all that energy you'd spent pouring into it.
You know all that money you spent pouring into it.
(23:19):
There ain't no refund on that. As you sit back and you say to
yourself, like, why is this happening to me?
I need you to understand that ifit didn't happen to you and the
story would never get told. Like if you've ever heard that
saying, like, you know, if you want it done right, you got to
do it yourself. Well, I'm gonna tell you right
now that if it was done with somebody else, they would have
crumbled and the story would never been told.
(23:41):
It had to happen to you because you, the vessel that needs to be
towed through the love that you have longed for.
I can assure you, you about to find out how to love yourself.
But if you check out right now, you would never know what it's
like to love yourself. Continue to move forward.
(24:02):
God damn man, I'm just I'm just I'm I'm just I'm just so happy I
didn't kill myself and just likethat, another extraordinary
thought left this ordinary mind.I hope you enjoyed this episode
half as much as I enjoy making it.
Don't forget to head on over to your favorite streaming
platform, whether that's Apple Podcast or Spotify Podcast, and
leave this podcast on honest review because this podcast
(24:22):
deserves to grow just as much as.
We do also. Don't forget to head on over to
TikTok or Instagram and follow me at Meech.
Speaks. That's right, Meech Speaks
Meecha. M EE Ch Stay motivated, stay
healthy. I'm out.
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