March 13, 2024 • 36 mins
In this episode, TJ and Bernard Holcomb discuss the importance of self-worth and acceptance. Bernard shares his journey of realizing that he is enough just as he is, and how this realization has transformed his life. They also explore the role of pain and self-discovery in finding self-acceptance. Bernard emphasizes the importance of therapy, medication, meditation, and finding a supportive community in his journey. They discuss the intersection of spirituality and self-acceptance, and how to navigate the challenges that may arise. The conversation concludes with insights on dealing with rejection and finding inner peace.
Takeaways
- Self-worth and acceptance are intertwined and essential for personal growth.
- Realizing that you are enough just as you are is a powerful and transformative lesson.
- Pain and self-discovery can lead to self-acceptance and a better understanding of oneself.
- Therapy, medication, meditation, and finding a supportive community are valuable tools in the journey of self-acceptance.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
TJ (00:15):
Hey friends, it's TJ, and you're listening to Tea with TJ,
where our love for tea,conversation and
self-improvement intersect.
So let's take a deeper diveinto my cup and let's have a
chat.
Hey friends, it's TJ.
(00:36):
Welcome back to another episodeof Tea with TJ, and today I
have a very special guest, goodfriend of mine, bernard.
Bernard, please introduceyourself for the folks listening
.
Bernard (00:48):
Hey everybody, I'm Bernard Holcomb, a singer and
actor, human, you know, just outhere living my best life.
TJ (00:59):
So today we are going to chat on a subject that I think,
in giving you the like list ofdifferent topics that I wanted
to like, have you choose fromthis choice of yours, I think
was a perfect fit.
It's based off of, like, ourvery tiny friendship that is
still growing, but I feel likethis is going to be perfect for
(01:23):
us.
But notes to your younger selfI'm curious to know from you
when you think of that topiclike, what immediately comes to
mind.
Bernard (01:36):
What immediately comes to mind is self-worth and
acceptance together.
There's not one above the other, they just kind of are together
, melded together.
TJ (01:48):
And.
Bernard (01:48):
I think that a lot of the lessons that I've been
learning as of late, but reallyin my older years, that I would
want to pass on to my youngerself have to do with those two
things.
TJ (02:00):
What do you think is the big like life lesson that you've
learned that you wish you couldshare with the younger self?
Bernard (02:08):
At the basis of it all is that I'm enough.
I don't have to be more fit, Idon't have to be more masculine,
I don't have to think of myselfas more talented or more
anything.
Just being myself, just beingthe human being that I am is
enough Period.
TJ (02:29):
That's it I knew this was going to be perfect.
Yes, yes.
Bernard (02:37):
And while that's so easy to say, it takes a lot of
practice and it takes a lot oflessons and a lot of living to
get to the place where you cansay I am enough.
It's not just like you're goingto.
I used to think I was going towake up one day and be like all
right, I'm enough Great.
TJ (02:54):
And.
Bernard (02:54):
I can just move on with the rest of my life, but I'm
constantly, even at this age,being shown, being challenged to
believe that I'm enough.
TJ (03:06):
That is such a powerful statement to say that I am
enough, and I think I am inprocess of being in a place to
acknowledge it with myself andeven just thinking about younger
self and thinking about youngTJ and how, growing up, being
enough was not really in myvocabulary in the sense of
(03:30):
knowing what that meant to beenough and knowing that I had
everything inside of me to beenough for myself.
So I love that.
I'm curious to go a littledeeper with this.
With this I'm enough, becauseit's tapping my soul right now.
What would you say has kind ofbeen like the catalyst for you
(03:53):
to arrive at that place ofenoughness, if you will.
Bernard (04:02):
Pain, deep, life changing pain that comes from
living a life of pleasingeveryone else, of doing whatever
I had to do to keep someonearound or to keep a relationship
just the way I thought itneeded to be, so that they
wouldn't abandon me.
(04:22):
And so I abandoned myself, andthat left me with this deep
chasm of pain that I was one dayforced to deal with and which
hurt but was also a blessing,because it brought me to the
place where I finally had torealize oh, I'm enough, I don't
have to do those things to keeprelationships or to feel safe,
(04:44):
I'm enough.
I would rather have not beenthrough those experiences and
been through that pain, but I'mreally grateful for it because
it brought me to a better place,a really great place actually.
TJ (04:57):
I love that.
I love that and, just for thesake of the listeners, has that
journey for you of arriving atthis place of enoughness for
self, has there been anystructures or things you've put
in place to kind of help youremind yourself that you're
enough, whether it be liketherapy or support groups or any
(05:22):
of those types of things?
What has that been for you?
Bernard (05:26):
Yeah, so I started a meditation journey years ago and
it's taken me a long time to doit more regularly.
I'm still not great at it, butit is super-duper helpful and
it's one of the things that's atthe top of my list when I think
about becoming the person thatI am today.
Also, therapy I've had so manydifferent therapists and I
(05:51):
recently maybe a year ago got atherapist that is a black queer
male presenting person, andthat's been super helpful
because, while I've had othertherapists that have been
helpful, he knows exactly when Imentioned some things.
He's like yeah, I've been there, I know exactly where you're
going through.
Also, medication I startedtaking medication 2018 after a
(06:17):
particularly bad breakup, andthen I stopped in 2020 because
it was the pandemic and itwasn't really working for me,
and then my brother died inJanuary of 2023 and everything
stopped.
My life just kind of stopped andI couldn't do the simplest
things, and so that's when Irealized you need some help.
You need to go and get yourselfa pill.
(06:40):
Not one of my best friends,she's like bitch.
If you need to get a pill, youget a pill to live your life.
And so I've been on thismedication and it's anti-anxiety
mostly, but a little bit ofanti-depressant.
It's changed my life in somereally beautiful ways, so I am
definitely an advocate for doingthat If you need to do that.
(07:01):
I used to feel like I was crazy,that people would think I was
crazy and they may still, butsome of the stigma I feel,
especially post or mostlypost-pandemic.
People think about itdifferently and I don't know if
I'm going to be on it forever,but I'm taking it now and I
would take it for the rest of mylife if I needed to, in order
to live the life that I'm living, because it's really a lot
(07:22):
better than what I was livingSocial therapy, medication,
meditation and also finding yourtribe.
Find your people.
Find the people that it doesn'tI mean, all relationships are
kind of work but find the peoplethat find with you and where
you are and that supports youand love you for exactly who you
are.
There's nothing like havingcommunity, real community for
(07:45):
yourself.
TJ (07:47):
My God, yes, yes, I that Again.
You just happened at the doorof my soul today.
It truly does.
It puts me in a place that Ithink I have.
It puts me in a place ofsoftness that I've not been in
in a while, because I amthinking about.
(08:09):
I feel like we have similarbackgrounds, but we'll tap on it
a little later.
But growing up down south andgrowing up in the church, you
know, therapy was never aconversation right.
Exactly, exactly when thereality is is that sometimes we
need external sources for thatextra bit of help and to really
(08:31):
kind of help us understand ourmind and our body and our
spirits.
And I don't believe I've talkedabout this on the show just yet
, but I actually have been intherapy for a year now and I
agree that it has changed myoutlook on life, my outlook on
myself.
I feel like we've hadconversations where you know
(08:53):
I've touched on a few subjectsand been like I've been doing
the work prior to coming intotherapy, like on my own, and
I've arrived at the place wherenow I need someone else to like
be an observer and to reallyhelp me make better decisions
and really see myself, becausefor a long time I didn't see
myself.
And so I'm curious to know,from from your perspective, if
(09:17):
you have that similar background.
How has that kind of how hasthat like tug of war of
spirituality or religion or thattype of background like, but it
heads with this new way ofthinking?
Bernard (09:38):
That way of thinking.
First of all, I will say that Iwas raised as a preacher's kid
in Detroit, but my family onboth sides has southern roots,
so I know that we haveexperienced a lot of the same
things and I'm in very much adifferent place than I was, and
always, when it comes tospirituality and the way I
(10:00):
believe and the way I worshipand all those things.
However, I will say that thatfoundation I am grateful for,
because it gave me a perspectivethat I wouldn't otherwise have
and it gave me just a base thatI think is a good place to
bounce off of.
However, when it comes to theperson that I am and going to
(10:21):
therapy and doing all the thingsthat I need to do to live my
best life right now, it is sodifferent from what I was taught
, because in church I picked upthings like you're not worthy,
I'll never be worthy.
I, you know, had to hide mysexuality and so I developed the
(10:42):
ability to.
That's one of the places where Ideveloped the ability to be
whatever I needed to be for,whatever whoever, and therapy
really brought me face to facewith that, and the two didn't,
I'd agree, so I had to find myway to acknowledge, accept and
(11:03):
appreciate the past that I hadin the church and my rearing, my
rate and how it was raised, andsay thank you and say goodbye.
I'm still draw from what Ireceived then, but I don't use
it as a compass for who I am now, because it wasn't meant to be,
was never built to be, acompass for the man that I am
today.
I think that that backgroundkeeps a lot of people out of
(11:28):
therapy and a lot of peoplestuck.
TJ (11:31):
I agree, I'm also a preacher's kid and, with the
caveat of not growing up with mydad, the influence was still
very much there.
And on my mom's side of thefamily it was Wednesday night,
Bible study, choir rehearsal,you know, Sunday service, three
(11:52):
o'clock program, all of thosethings.
And so I spent a lot of timewhere I was not in school
necessarily or likeextracurricular activities at
church.
And as I've gotten older, Iagree in saying that I am
appreciative of those roots andthose foundations because it, if
(12:13):
anything, I think what I amtaking from it now in my current
life is the sense of communitythat when I got pushed out into
the world I didn't really knowhow to figure that out, and you
mentioned earlier about Findingyour Tribe that whole mentality
of having like this community ofchurch members that you were a
(12:36):
part of, that you would see on aweekly basis and potentially go
out to dinner with or do otherthings with, did kind of
solidify, I would say, my likesocial life in a way like as a
child, like growing up into myteenage years.
So I'm curious to know, withthat in mind, for you
specifically how did you comeout of that type of environment
(12:58):
of like having the sense ofcommunity and kind of figuring
out your way and your path andyour journey to having like
better mental health.
How did you find that tribethat accepted you, that loves
you unconditionally, that gaveyou, at least for me in my mind?
I'm thinking of a similarsituation when you had that
(13:20):
community of church.
Bernard (13:22):
Well, I'm still finding it because it's been fairly
recent that I realized, oh, alot of the people that I'm
around that I say are friend orcommunity members are not my
people.
TJ (13:38):
Well, come on.
Bernard (13:40):
It's been a ride.
It's been a ride and I realized, as a side note, that it's not
necessarily their fault, becausethe person that I was
presenting to them they thoughtwas the person that I was and
maybe was the person that I was,but now I'm not the person
anymore.
I'm someone a little bitdifferent.
I would say.
Going into that, being honestabout who I am, trying to be as
(14:06):
authentic as possible, hasafforded me.
I definitely believe in the lawof attraction in the universe.
I believe that people that vibewith what I'm vibing are drawn
to me.
So it may be through socialmedia or it may be through as an
actor or a singer on a gig meetsomeone.
There's one woman that I metback in 2018 that I call my
(14:29):
sister.
She's redheaded and a whitewoman, but that is my sister.
That is my like, we yes.
So that's.
There's not a specific way,there's not like a meetup or you
know anything like that.
And that could be a littletricky because with church and
religious institutions, it'slike a central place where
everyone meets and that becomesyour community.
(14:50):
But when you're out here,outside of that, it can be a
little difficult for people,especially as they get older, to
find their turn.
But me, I just try to be ashonest as I can, as open as I
can, and I find the people alongthe way, along the journey, oh
my gosh, and it's taking me backto a moment, to where we first
(15:13):
met, when.
TJ (15:15):
what was it?
Men With Money, I think was theshow.
Bernard (15:18):
Yeah.
TJ (15:18):
It was the first time we met and I immediately I was like
wait a minute now there's someenergy here that I'm interested
in and I feel like we've had youknow moments here and there
throughout, and then I thinkabout I think was it last year
or two year, almost two yearsago in San Francisco, San
Francisco.
Bernard (15:37):
Yeah, you know what's funny.
I'm here in Michigan working onthat same show.
Oh wow, this is so cool.
TJ (15:44):
Oh, it was it our time in San Francisco, because I feel
like that was really that wasthe first time that we had a
good chunk of time together, ifmy memory serves me correctly,
and I remember just feeling sowarm and embraced and seen and
just love came up like vibratingoff of you.
(16:05):
But yeah, that is just.
Oh, it gives me chills thinkingabout it.
So what would you say to youryounger self if you had him here
right now?
Bernard (16:23):
I would first assure him that everything is going to
be okay, because before thismedication, it wasn't until
after I started making, startedtaking this medication, that I
realized how anxiety has ruledin my life for a very long time,
and so my younger self wasanxious a lot.
(16:48):
And I would tell him thateverything's going to be okay,
that I would have some greatexperiences, that I would travel
the world.
I would tell him that we wouldfinally be making our
Metropolitan Opera debut, thatwe you know that it's just going
to be a great life and that Idon't have to try so hard.
(17:10):
I would tell him, maybe youdon't have to try so hard to be
liked, to be loved, to beanything.
TJ (17:19):
Yeah, oh, I love it, I love it, I love it.
I'm trying not to cheer up, soyou have a podcast as well.
Bernard (17:34):
Yes, Damon speaks.
It's kind of defunct, but maybethat's not the word.
It's not, I'm not doing itright now, but it keeps coming
back.
People are like where is it?
Where is it, and I'm like youknow what I'm going to get back
on the air.
But yes, damon, speaks.
TJ (17:50):
Yes, damon speaks and you share a lot of good, positive
messages and vibes in all thefields and I admire it and I
adore it and I love it.
And I agree you should bring itback because it is needed in
the world In thinking about thiswhole topic and that's why I
(18:11):
said I think it really justaligned with you, because there
are a lot of clips that almostfeel like you are giving
information to your younger selfor to self you know, like can,
can 1000%, 1000%.
So if you wouldn't mind, justgive us a little Damon speaks
(18:33):
nugget, if you will.
Bernard (18:39):
Oh, I would say my Damon speaks nugget for this
show.
This show is to not abandonyourself.
It can become so easy whenchasing a career or chasing a
man or woman or any kind ofrelationship or wanting to get
close with someone, that you putthem on a pedestal and you look
(19:00):
up to them and you make themgreater than you are.
So that means that whatever youthink they want because
sometimes these conversationsare not happening Truly, it's on
your head Whatever you thinkthey want you to be, you are
going to be there.
If they say let's go to themovies on Saturday at five
o'clock but you have a familythat you are already committed
to, but you're telling yourfamily, oh, I have to study
tonight, I can't go in, so thatyou can go to on a date with
(19:22):
this person, that's like kind oflike abandoning yourself and
denying yourself.
And what I've learned is thatwhen you do that, once that
relationship dissolves whichthey often do what are you left
with?
You're left with all the thingsthat you never did for yourself
and breakups are hard.
(19:44):
But then breakups are nearlyimpossible to get over when
you've spent the bulk of yourrelationship trying to be what
they want you to be and reallydiscarding yourself.
So one thing I've learned isthat along the way you know we
(20:04):
should have relationships, weshould date, we should do all
those things.
Make sure to check in withyourself and make sure you're
always honoring yourself thebest of your ability and that
you never forget yourself.
Don't forget the home that youhave in here.
Always keep a little somethingfor yourself.
TJ (20:22):
Yeah, this is just.
This is amazing.
You said something that I wantto come back to, with checking
in with yourself and in this, inthis language, and this idea
and this thought of speaking toour younger selves, what, what
do you have or what do you do,or what do you have in place
(20:45):
that kind of helps you reconnectto your inner child and kind of
keep your adult self sure,driving you know, the car you
know, metaphorically, but tohonor that inner child.
Bernard (21:00):
Well, I often have conversations with my inner
child and I'll say I wentthrough a situation not too long
ago.
That was a situation ship andit taught me a lot of things and
I had to one of the first time.
For the one of the first timesin my life, I was the one that
said this is not working for meanymore and I walked away from
(21:21):
it.
But during that whole situationship, I experienced a lot of
disappointment and what Iperceived as rejection, and so
what I would do is I wouldliterally wrap myself in my own
arms and talk to my inner childand say it's okay, we're gonna
be okay, I've got you.
(21:42):
There's um, what is it called?
Self um, self soothing.
I have learned how and I'm stilllearning, but I've really
learned how to self soothe, anda part of that is talking to my
inner child, because I'm anadult.
But a lot of the ways that Iwould act out sometimes we're
(22:03):
really coming from my innerchild.
It's really the the part of methat wasn't embraced at five,
six, seven, eight years old, andso I find myself having to go
back and talk to and really askhim what he needs.
Sometimes it's to stay in bedlater.
Sometimes it's not to leave thehouse that day.
Sometimes it's captain crunchand cartoons Rick and Morty.
(22:25):
Like just a day for us, nobodyelse just a day for us.
TJ (22:30):
Um, yeah, I love that.
I, um, there are definitelymoments in my life when we, me
and young TJ are sitting on thecouch watching avatar or
something of that nature andjust needing to be and exist and
do nothing, um, because wedidn't get that a lot of the
(22:50):
times when we were younger.
So, as an adult, like the worldthat we live in, I know that
life can be a lot.
Um, specifically as a performer, it can be a whole, whole shit
show.
I recently saw that you bookedsomething.
(23:10):
Congratulations.
I just want to honor that andgive that to you right there.
Um, I know we can't say it nowloud until things are, you know,
done, but congratulations,thank you.
But as a as a performer, um,and and I I'm curious to know,
and I feel like we've hadconversations about this, but
(23:31):
specifically as an operaperformer, how, how do you, how
do you kind of help your innerchild, your younger self, self,
deal with that type of rejectionwhen you don't book things?
Bernard (23:50):
it's tough, as you know .
It is tough, um, and I.
One of the things that I'vereally been holding on to as of
late is the only way out isthrough, and so applying that to
rejection is the only waythrough rejection, or how to
feel better when being rejectedis to be rejected and to
(24:13):
practice being rejected.
You've got to go through ifyou're not going to escape
feeling terrible when you don'tbook something or when someone
tells you that they don't likeyou or for whatever reason, just
don't fit into a project.
Um, but really having thatplace that I talked about when,
not abandoning yourself, andbuilding that home, what I call
a home within yourself that youcan retreat to when you are
(24:36):
rejected.
Knowing that you have thatenables me to go out and to work
harder and to be rejected evenmore, because I know that in a
line of 100 rejections, some oneperson is going to say, yes,
maybe more, um, and so I wouldsay going out being okay.
(24:57):
I'm still not okay with beingrejected, but I know that I'm
going to be okay, and I used tonot know that, and so any hint
of rejection would tear me topieces, yeah, but now I'm just
able to handle it a little bitbetter.
TJ (25:10):
Yeah, there's definitely um, and I think I've I think I've
touched on this on the podcastbefore um, but I will bring it
up in this moment.
But I had an acting teacherwhen I was at cap 21, um, who
helped us kind of deal withrejection and how to cope with
it and his suggestion which Istill do to this day, even
(25:35):
though we're in a digital world,um, but he would say you know,
when you go to an audition, say,you get a callback and you have
those sides or that music orwhatever it is, once you are
done with an audition, rip upthe paper and throw it away it.
Yes, yes, it's that that simplepractice changed the way that I
dealt with rejection and likenot booking things, because
(25:57):
everything that I did in thatroom I leave there in the trash.
So like any tight, any no orany bad feelings of like oh,
I've messed up this note, orlike my acting was a little off
today or whatever.
I was feeling crappy, orwhatever lives there, so I don't
take it home with me and sothat it all hold it here.
Yeah, and it is truly like ithas changed everything because
(26:21):
there, now it allows me to gointo an audition room, do what I
need to do and go about my dayand say, well, that's it, I did
that, mm, hmm, mm, hmm, it'll bewhat it'll be, and I don't have
to harp on it or try tomeditate on it too much and be
like, well, I did this.
Or uh, you know what?
What happened with that note?
Like you know, my vowelsweren't quite right, or you know
(26:42):
something like that.
Bernard (26:44):
But I love that, I love that, yeah, yeah, gosh.
Oh and I had listen.
When you walk into a room andyou are ready, quote unquote to
be rejected and you just kind ofdon't care and you're just
being yourself.
I booked more now than I didback then because I'm not so
tied to the result.
I'm going to have a greatexperience.
TJ (27:04):
Exactly or whatever yeah.
I'm like I wish someone wouldhave told me that, coming out of
college.
Bernard (27:13):
But now we have the responsibility to tell others
which is what you're doing,you're true.
TJ (27:16):
Oh, my gosh, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
Also.
This has been great.
I this, thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you, thank you
for doing this, absolutely Areyou kidding me.
Oh my gosh, I, I love you, I seeyou, I hear you, I feel you, I
am with you.
Like this is leaps and boundsbetter than I could ever could
(27:37):
have imagined.
So I really appreciate it and Ithank you for taking the time
to do this.
That's so lovely.
So I have three questions, okay, unrelated to the topic, just
to let Damon speak, so to speak,just so you don't speak.
Bernard (27:55):
One thing is you don't do, is you don't speak.
TJ (27:59):
What are you most grateful for?
Bernard (28:03):
I'm most grateful for all the things that I thought
were set to destroy me, but wereactually lessons that helped me
become the person that I amtoday.
That's what I'm most gratefulfor.
I wasn't always, but today I'mgrateful for that.
Oh my God, that's beautiful.
Yeah, if you were not to speak,you were not to be you were not
(28:27):
to be.
TJ (28:28):
You were not to be.
Yeah, if you were not an operasinger or a performer, what
would you be doing?
Bernard (28:39):
Well, I would either be a mechanic engineer, a
mechanical engineer or anautomotive engineer, because I
love cars, I love designing.
But if that hadn't worked out,I may be a medical professional,
probably a nurse.
TJ (28:55):
I was going to say you give very much acts of service Like I
get that, I completely get that.
And then last question whatbrings you the most peace?
Bernard (29:05):
What brings me the most peace is knowing, having a deep
knowing that I'm going to beokay, that no matter what
happens, no matter who comes orgoes, I can take care of myself
and that I am going to be okay.
That's beautiful.
TJ (29:26):
Oh my gosh, I love you, I love you.
Bernard (29:33):
Thank you for having me .
Thank you for asking me.
Where can the folks find you?
Primarily on Instagram atBernard Damon Holcomb, and I'm
also on TikTok at Bernard DamonHolcomb as well and my website,
bernardholcombcom.
TJ (29:52):
So that's our show, friends.
Thank you for listening and Iwill see you next week.
And that's our show, friends.
Thanks for joining us on Teenwith TJ.
Please rate, review andsubscribe, and you can find us
on Instagram at Teen with TJpodcast.
And, as always, stay kind, keepsipping and remember we're here
(30:15):
, so we might as well do it.
Hey friends, it's TJ, and you're listening to Tea with TJ,
where our love for tea,conversation and
self-improvement intersect.
So let's take a deeper diveinto my cup and let's have a
chat.
Hey friends, it's TJ.
(00:36):
Welcome back to another episodeof Tea with TJ, and today I
have a very special guest, goodfriend of mine, bernard.
Bernard, please introduceyourself for the folks listening
.
Bernard (00:48):
Hey everybody, I'm Bernard Holcomb, a singer and
actor, human, you know, just outhere living my best life.
TJ (00:59):
So today we are going to chat on a subject that I think,
in giving you the like list ofdifferent topics that I wanted
to like, have you choose fromthis choice of yours, I think
was a perfect fit.
It's based off of, like, ourvery tiny friendship that is
still growing, but I feel likethis is going to be perfect for
(01:23):
us.
But notes to your younger selfI'm curious to know from you
when you think of that topiclike, what immediately comes to
mind.
Bernard (01:36):
What immediately comes to mind is self-worth and
acceptance together.
There's not one above the other, they just kind of are together
, melded together.
TJ (01:48):
And.
Bernard (01:48):
I think that a lot of the lessons that I've been
learning as of late, but reallyin my older years, that I would
want to pass on to my youngerself have to do with those two
things.
TJ (02:00):
What do you think is the big like life lesson that you've
learned that you wish you couldshare with the younger self?
Bernard (02:08):
At the basis of it all is that I'm enough.
I don't have to be more fit, Idon't have to be more masculine,
I don't have to think of myselfas more talented or more
anything.
Just being myself, just beingthe human being that I am is
enough Period.
TJ (02:29):
That's it I knew this was going to be perfect.
Yes, yes.
Bernard (02:37):
And while that's so easy to say, it takes a lot of
practice and it takes a lot oflessons and a lot of living to
get to the place where you cansay I am enough.
It's not just like you're goingto.
I used to think I was going towake up one day and be like all
right, I'm enough Great.
TJ (02:54):
And.
Bernard (02:54):
I can just move on with the rest of my life, but I'm
constantly, even at this age,being shown, being challenged to
believe that I'm enough.
TJ (03:06):
That is such a powerful statement to say that I am
enough, and I think I am inprocess of being in a place to
acknowledge it with myself andeven just thinking about younger
self and thinking about youngTJ and how, growing up, being
enough was not really in myvocabulary in the sense of
(03:30):
knowing what that meant to beenough and knowing that I had
everything inside of me to beenough for myself.
So I love that.
I'm curious to go a littledeeper with this.
With this I'm enough, becauseit's tapping my soul right now.
What would you say has kind ofbeen like the catalyst for you
(03:53):
to arrive at that place ofenoughness, if you will.
Bernard (04:02):
Pain, deep, life changing pain that comes from
living a life of pleasingeveryone else, of doing whatever
I had to do to keep someonearound or to keep a relationship
just the way I thought itneeded to be, so that they
wouldn't abandon me.
(04:22):
And so I abandoned myself, andthat left me with this deep
chasm of pain that I was one dayforced to deal with and which
hurt but was also a blessing,because it brought me to the
place where I finally had torealize oh, I'm enough, I don't
have to do those things to keeprelationships or to feel safe,
(04:44):
I'm enough.
I would rather have not beenthrough those experiences and
been through that pain, but I'mreally grateful for it because
it brought me to a better place,a really great place actually.
TJ (04:57):
I love that.
I love that and, just for thesake of the listeners, has that
journey for you of arriving atthis place of enoughness for
self, has there been anystructures or things you've put
in place to kind of help youremind yourself that you're
enough, whether it be liketherapy or support groups or any
(05:22):
of those types of things?
What has that been for you?
Bernard (05:26):
Yeah, so I started a meditation journey years ago and
it's taken me a long time to doit more regularly.
I'm still not great at it, butit is super-duper helpful and
it's one of the things that's atthe top of my list when I think
about becoming the person thatI am today.
Also, therapy I've had so manydifferent therapists and I
(05:51):
recently maybe a year ago got atherapist that is a black queer
male presenting person, andthat's been super helpful
because, while I've had othertherapists that have been
helpful, he knows exactly when Imentioned some things.
He's like yeah, I've been there, I know exactly where you're
going through.
Also, medication I startedtaking medication 2018 after a
(06:17):
particularly bad breakup, andthen I stopped in 2020 because
it was the pandemic and itwasn't really working for me,
and then my brother died inJanuary of 2023 and everything
stopped.
My life just kind of stopped andI couldn't do the simplest
things, and so that's when Irealized you need some help.
You need to go and get yourselfa pill.
(06:40):
Not one of my best friends,she's like bitch.
If you need to get a pill, youget a pill to live your life.
And so I've been on thismedication and it's anti-anxiety
mostly, but a little bit ofanti-depressant.
It's changed my life in somereally beautiful ways, so I am
definitely an advocate for doingthat If you need to do that.
(07:01):
I used to feel like I was crazy,that people would think I was
crazy and they may still, butsome of the stigma I feel,
especially post or mostlypost-pandemic.
People think about itdifferently and I don't know if
I'm going to be on it forever,but I'm taking it now and I
would take it for the rest of mylife if I needed to, in order
to live the life that I'm living, because it's really a lot
(07:22):
better than what I was livingSocial therapy, medication,
meditation and also finding yourtribe.
Find your people.
Find the people that it doesn'tI mean, all relationships are
kind of work but find the peoplethat find with you and where
you are and that supports youand love you for exactly who you
are.
There's nothing like havingcommunity, real community for
(07:45):
yourself.
TJ (07:47):
My God, yes, yes, I that Again.
You just happened at the doorof my soul today.
It truly does.
It puts me in a place that Ithink I have.
It puts me in a place ofsoftness that I've not been in
in a while, because I amthinking about.
(08:09):
I feel like we have similarbackgrounds, but we'll tap on it
a little later.
But growing up down south andgrowing up in the church, you
know, therapy was never aconversation right.
Exactly, exactly when thereality is is that sometimes we
need external sources for thatextra bit of help and to really
(08:31):
kind of help us understand ourmind and our body and our
spirits.
And I don't believe I've talkedabout this on the show just yet
, but I actually have been intherapy for a year now and I
agree that it has changed myoutlook on life, my outlook on
myself.
I feel like we've hadconversations where you know
(08:53):
I've touched on a few subjectsand been like I've been doing
the work prior to coming intotherapy, like on my own, and
I've arrived at the place wherenow I need someone else to like
be an observer and to reallyhelp me make better decisions
and really see myself, becausefor a long time I didn't see
myself.
And so I'm curious to know,from from your perspective, if
(09:17):
you have that similar background.
How has that kind of how hasthat like tug of war of
spirituality or religion or thattype of background like, but it
heads with this new way ofthinking?
Bernard (09:38):
That way of thinking.
First of all, I will say that Iwas raised as a preacher's kid
in Detroit, but my family onboth sides has southern roots,
so I know that we haveexperienced a lot of the same
things and I'm in very much adifferent place than I was, and
always, when it comes tospirituality and the way I
(10:00):
believe and the way I worshipand all those things.
However, I will say that thatfoundation I am grateful for,
because it gave me a perspectivethat I wouldn't otherwise have
and it gave me just a base thatI think is a good place to
bounce off of.
However, when it comes to theperson that I am and going to
(10:21):
therapy and doing all the thingsthat I need to do to live my
best life right now, it is sodifferent from what I was taught
, because in church I picked upthings like you're not worthy,
I'll never be worthy.
I, you know, had to hide mysexuality and so I developed the
(10:42):
ability to.
That's one of the places where Ideveloped the ability to be
whatever I needed to be for,whatever whoever, and therapy
really brought me face to facewith that, and the two didn't,
I'd agree, so I had to find myway to acknowledge, accept and
(11:03):
appreciate the past that I hadin the church and my rearing, my
rate and how it was raised, andsay thank you and say goodbye.
I'm still draw from what Ireceived then, but I don't use
it as a compass for who I am now, because it wasn't meant to be,
was never built to be, acompass for the man that I am
today.
I think that that backgroundkeeps a lot of people out of
(11:28):
therapy and a lot of peoplestuck.
TJ (11:31):
I agree, I'm also a preacher's kid and, with the
caveat of not growing up with mydad, the influence was still
very much there.
And on my mom's side of thefamily it was Wednesday night,
Bible study, choir rehearsal,you know, Sunday service, three
(11:52):
o'clock program, all of thosethings.
And so I spent a lot of timewhere I was not in school
necessarily or likeextracurricular activities at
church.
And as I've gotten older, Iagree in saying that I am
appreciative of those roots andthose foundations because it, if
(12:13):
anything, I think what I amtaking from it now in my current
life is the sense of communitythat when I got pushed out into
the world I didn't really knowhow to figure that out, and you
mentioned earlier about Findingyour Tribe that whole mentality
of having like this community ofchurch members that you were a
(12:36):
part of, that you would see on aweekly basis and potentially go
out to dinner with or do otherthings with, did kind of
solidify, I would say, my likesocial life in a way like as a
child, like growing up into myteenage years.
So I'm curious to know, withthat in mind, for you
specifically how did you comeout of that type of environment
(12:58):
of like having the sense ofcommunity and kind of figuring
out your way and your path andyour journey to having like
better mental health.
How did you find that tribethat accepted you, that loves
you unconditionally, that gaveyou, at least for me in my mind?
I'm thinking of a similarsituation when you had that
(13:20):
community of church.
Bernard (13:22):
Well, I'm still finding it because it's been fairly
recent that I realized, oh, alot of the people that I'm
around that I say are friend orcommunity members are not my
people.
TJ (13:38):
Well, come on.
Bernard (13:40):
It's been a ride.
It's been a ride and I realized, as a side note, that it's not
necessarily their fault, becausethe person that I was
presenting to them they thoughtwas the person that I was and
maybe was the person that I was,but now I'm not the person
anymore.
I'm someone a little bitdifferent.
I would say.
Going into that, being honestabout who I am, trying to be as
(14:06):
authentic as possible, hasafforded me.
I definitely believe in the lawof attraction in the universe.
I believe that people that vibewith what I'm vibing are drawn
to me.
So it may be through socialmedia or it may be through as an
actor or a singer on a gig meetsomeone.
There's one woman that I metback in 2018 that I call my
(14:29):
sister.
She's redheaded and a whitewoman, but that is my sister.
That is my like, we yes.
So that's.
There's not a specific way,there's not like a meetup or you
know anything like that.
And that could be a littletricky because with church and
religious institutions, it'slike a central place where
everyone meets and that becomesyour community.
(14:50):
But when you're out here,outside of that, it can be a
little difficult for people,especially as they get older, to
find their turn.
But me, I just try to be ashonest as I can, as open as I
can, and I find the people alongthe way, along the journey, oh
my gosh, and it's taking me backto a moment, to where we first
(15:13):
met, when.
TJ (15:15):
what was it?
Men With Money, I think was theshow.
Bernard (15:18):
Yeah.
TJ (15:18):
It was the first time we met and I immediately I was like
wait a minute now there's someenergy here that I'm interested
in and I feel like we've had youknow moments here and there
throughout, and then I thinkabout I think was it last year
or two year, almost two yearsago in San Francisco, San
Francisco.
Bernard (15:37):
Yeah, you know what's funny.
I'm here in Michigan working onthat same show.
Oh wow, this is so cool.
TJ (15:44):
Oh, it was it our time in San Francisco, because I feel
like that was really that wasthe first time that we had a
good chunk of time together, ifmy memory serves me correctly,
and I remember just feeling sowarm and embraced and seen and
just love came up like vibratingoff of you.
(16:05):
But yeah, that is just.
Oh, it gives me chills thinkingabout it.
So what would you say to youryounger self if you had him here
right now?
Bernard (16:23):
I would first assure him that everything is going to
be okay, because before thismedication, it wasn't until
after I started making, startedtaking this medication, that I
realized how anxiety has ruledin my life for a very long time,
and so my younger self wasanxious a lot.
(16:48):
And I would tell him thateverything's going to be okay,
that I would have some greatexperiences, that I would travel
the world.
I would tell him that we wouldfinally be making our
Metropolitan Opera debut, thatwe you know that it's just going
to be a great life and that Idon't have to try so hard.
(17:10):
I would tell him, maybe youdon't have to try so hard to be
liked, to be loved, to beanything.
TJ (17:19):
Yeah, oh, I love it, I love it, I love it.
I'm trying not to cheer up, soyou have a podcast as well.
Bernard (17:34):
Yes, Damon speaks.
It's kind of defunct, but maybethat's not the word.
It's not, I'm not doing itright now, but it keeps coming
back.
People are like where is it?
Where is it, and I'm like youknow what I'm going to get back
on the air.
But yes, damon, speaks.
TJ (17:50):
Yes, damon speaks and you share a lot of good, positive
messages and vibes in all thefields and I admire it and I
adore it and I love it.
And I agree you should bring itback because it is needed in
the world In thinking about thiswhole topic and that's why I
(18:11):
said I think it really justaligned with you, because there
are a lot of clips that almostfeel like you are giving
information to your younger selfor to self you know, like can,
can 1000%, 1000%.
So if you wouldn't mind, justgive us a little Damon speaks
(18:33):
nugget, if you will.
Bernard (18:39):
Oh, I would say my Damon speaks nugget for this
show.
This show is to not abandonyourself.
It can become so easy whenchasing a career or chasing a
man or woman or any kind ofrelationship or wanting to get
close with someone, that you putthem on a pedestal and you look
(19:00):
up to them and you make themgreater than you are.
So that means that whatever youthink they want because
sometimes these conversationsare not happening Truly, it's on
your head Whatever you thinkthey want you to be, you are
going to be there.
If they say let's go to themovies on Saturday at five
o'clock but you have a familythat you are already committed
to, but you're telling yourfamily, oh, I have to study
tonight, I can't go in, so thatyou can go to on a date with
(19:22):
this person, that's like kind oflike abandoning yourself and
denying yourself.
And what I've learned is thatwhen you do that, once that
relationship dissolves whichthey often do what are you left
with?
You're left with all the thingsthat you never did for yourself
and breakups are hard.
(19:44):
But then breakups are nearlyimpossible to get over when
you've spent the bulk of yourrelationship trying to be what
they want you to be and reallydiscarding yourself.
So one thing I've learned isthat along the way you know we
(20:04):
should have relationships, weshould date, we should do all
those things.
Make sure to check in withyourself and make sure you're
always honoring yourself thebest of your ability and that
you never forget yourself.
Don't forget the home that youhave in here.
Always keep a little somethingfor yourself.
TJ (20:22):
Yeah, this is just.
This is amazing.
You said something that I wantto come back to, with checking
in with yourself and in this, inthis language, and this idea
and this thought of speaking toour younger selves, what, what
do you have or what do you do,or what do you have in place
(20:45):
that kind of helps you reconnectto your inner child and kind of
keep your adult self sure,driving you know, the car you
know, metaphorically, but tohonor that inner child.
Bernard (21:00):
Well, I often have conversations with my inner
child and I'll say I wentthrough a situation not too long
ago.
That was a situation ship andit taught me a lot of things and
I had to one of the first time.
For the one of the first timesin my life, I was the one that
said this is not working for meanymore and I walked away from
(21:21):
it.
But during that whole situationship, I experienced a lot of
disappointment and what Iperceived as rejection, and so
what I would do is I wouldliterally wrap myself in my own
arms and talk to my inner childand say it's okay, we're gonna
be okay, I've got you.
(21:42):
There's um, what is it called?
Self um, self soothing.
I have learned how and I'm stilllearning, but I've really
learned how to self soothe, anda part of that is talking to my
inner child, because I'm anadult.
But a lot of the ways that Iwould act out sometimes we're
(22:03):
really coming from my innerchild.
It's really the the part of methat wasn't embraced at five,
six, seven, eight years old, andso I find myself having to go
back and talk to and really askhim what he needs.
Sometimes it's to stay in bedlater.
Sometimes it's not to leave thehouse that day.
Sometimes it's captain crunchand cartoons Rick and Morty.
(22:25):
Like just a day for us, nobodyelse just a day for us.
TJ (22:30):
Um, yeah, I love that.
I, um, there are definitelymoments in my life when we, me
and young TJ are sitting on thecouch watching avatar or
something of that nature andjust needing to be and exist and
do nothing, um, because wedidn't get that a lot of the
(22:50):
times when we were younger.
So, as an adult, like the worldthat we live in, I know that
life can be a lot.
Um, specifically as a performer, it can be a whole, whole shit
show.
I recently saw that you bookedsomething.
(23:10):
Congratulations.
I just want to honor that andgive that to you right there.
Um, I know we can't say it nowloud until things are, you know,
done, but congratulations,thank you.
But as a as a performer, um,and and I I'm curious to know,
and I feel like we've hadconversations about this, but
(23:31):
specifically as an operaperformer, how, how do you, how
do you kind of help your innerchild, your younger self, self,
deal with that type of rejectionwhen you don't book things?
Bernard (23:50):
it's tough, as you know .
It is tough, um, and I.
One of the things that I'vereally been holding on to as of
late is the only way out isthrough, and so applying that to
rejection is the only waythrough rejection, or how to
feel better when being rejectedis to be rejected and to
(24:13):
practice being rejected.
You've got to go through ifyou're not going to escape
feeling terrible when you don'tbook something or when someone
tells you that they don't likeyou or for whatever reason, just
don't fit into a project.
Um, but really having thatplace that I talked about when,
not abandoning yourself, andbuilding that home, what I call
a home within yourself that youcan retreat to when you are
(24:36):
rejected.
Knowing that you have thatenables me to go out and to work
harder and to be rejected evenmore, because I know that in a
line of 100 rejections, some oneperson is going to say, yes,
maybe more, um, and so I wouldsay going out being okay.
(24:57):
I'm still not okay with beingrejected, but I know that I'm
going to be okay, and I used tonot know that, and so any hint
of rejection would tear me topieces, yeah, but now I'm just
able to handle it a little bitbetter.
TJ (25:10):
Yeah, there's definitely um, and I think I've I think I've
touched on this on the podcastbefore um, but I will bring it
up in this moment.
But I had an acting teacherwhen I was at cap 21, um, who
helped us kind of deal withrejection and how to cope with
it and his suggestion which Istill do to this day, even
(25:35):
though we're in a digital world,um, but he would say you know,
when you go to an audition, say,you get a callback and you have
those sides or that music orwhatever it is, once you are
done with an audition, rip upthe paper and throw it away it.
Yes, yes, it's that that simplepractice changed the way that I
dealt with rejection and likenot booking things, because
(25:57):
everything that I did in thatroom I leave there in the trash.
So like any tight, any no orany bad feelings of like oh,
I've messed up this note, orlike my acting was a little off
today or whatever.
I was feeling crappy, orwhatever lives there, so I don't
take it home with me and sothat it all hold it here.
Yeah, and it is truly like ithas changed everything because
(26:21):
there, now it allows me to gointo an audition room, do what I
need to do and go about my dayand say, well, that's it, I did
that, mm, hmm, mm, hmm, it'll bewhat it'll be, and I don't have
to harp on it or try tomeditate on it too much and be
like, well, I did this.
Or uh, you know what?
What happened with that note?
Like you know, my vowelsweren't quite right, or you know
(26:42):
something like that.
Bernard (26:44):
But I love that, I love that, yeah, yeah, gosh.
Oh and I had listen.
When you walk into a room andyou are ready, quote unquote to
be rejected and you just kind ofdon't care and you're just
being yourself.
I booked more now than I didback then because I'm not so
tied to the result.
I'm going to have a greatexperience.
TJ (27:04):
Exactly or whatever yeah.
I'm like I wish someone wouldhave told me that, coming out of
college.
Bernard (27:13):
But now we have the responsibility to tell others
which is what you're doing,you're true.
TJ (27:16):
Oh, my gosh, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
Also.
This has been great.
I this, thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you, thank you
for doing this, absolutely Areyou kidding me.
Oh my gosh, I, I love you, I seeyou, I hear you, I feel you, I
am with you.
Like this is leaps and boundsbetter than I could ever could
(27:37):
have imagined.
So I really appreciate it and Ithank you for taking the time
to do this.
That's so lovely.
So I have three questions, okay, unrelated to the topic, just
to let Damon speak, so to speak,just so you don't speak.
Bernard (27:55):
One thing is you don't do, is you don't speak.
TJ (27:59):
What are you most grateful for?
Bernard (28:03):
I'm most grateful for all the things that I thought
were set to destroy me, but wereactually lessons that helped me
become the person that I amtoday.
That's what I'm most gratefulfor.
I wasn't always, but today I'mgrateful for that.
Oh my God, that's beautiful.
Yeah, if you were not to speak,you were not to be you were not
(28:27):
to be.
TJ (28:28):
You were not to be.
Yeah, if you were not an operasinger or a performer, what
would you be doing?
Bernard (28:39):
Well, I would either be a mechanic engineer, a
mechanical engineer or anautomotive engineer, because I
love cars, I love designing.
But if that hadn't worked out,I may be a medical professional,
probably a nurse.
TJ (28:55):
I was going to say you give very much acts of service Like I
get that, I completely get that.
And then last question whatbrings you the most peace?
Bernard (29:05):
What brings me the most peace is knowing, having a deep
knowing that I'm going to beokay, that no matter what
happens, no matter who comes orgoes, I can take care of myself
and that I am going to be okay.
That's beautiful.
TJ (29:26):
Oh my gosh, I love you, I love you.
Bernard (29:33):
Thank you for having me .
Thank you for asking me.
Where can the folks find you?
Primarily on Instagram atBernard Damon Holcomb, and I'm
also on TikTok at Bernard DamonHolcomb as well and my website,
bernardholcombcom.
TJ (29:52):
So that's our show, friends.
Thank you for listening and Iwill see you next week.
And that's our show, friends.
Thanks for joining us on Teenwith TJ.
Please rate, review andsubscribe, and you can find us
on Instagram at Teen with TJpodcast.
And, as always, stay kind, keepsipping and remember we're here
(30:15):
, so we might as well do it.
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