October 16, 2024 • 49 mins
Ever wonder how a change in scenery can profoundly impact one's mental health? Lonnie Woods III, a remarkable creative professional, joins us on "Tea With TJ" to share his journey from Baltimore to Los Angeles. As a first-generation college student, Lonnie talks about his passion for photography and his pursuit of a master's degree at NYU, blending art with education. He reflects on his cross-country moves, motivated by the search for balance and better mental well-being, revealing the underlying challenges of seasonal depression encountered during the pandemic in New York. Despite the allure of sunny California, Lonnie's heart continues to resonate with the East Coast's vibrant energy.
Relationships are not just connections but pivotal elements that shape us, especially within the Black queer community. Together, we examine the multifaceted dynamics of love, friendship, and mentorship, sharing personal insights from his journey as a poet. The conversation highlights the courage it takes to write about relationships from a place of vulnerability and the unique experiences of people of color forming connections in predominantly white spaces. Explore how these interactions become a tapestry of support, empowerment, and personal growth, crucial for navigating identity and community.
Authentic self-worth and self-love are the cornerstones of meaningful relationships. In our conversation, we unpack the importance of understanding one's true self and how this awareness shapes interactions in bustling metropolises like New York and Los Angeles. Through personal anecdotes, including a spontaneous connection on a New York train, we discuss the transformative power of confidence, self-awareness, and embracing one's values. Our dialogue underscores that self-worth shouldn't depend on external validation, inviting listeners to embark on a journey of embracing authenticity in every aspect of life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
TJ (00:15):
Hey friends, it's TJ, and you're listening to Tea with TJ,
where our love for tea,conversation and
self-improvement intersect.
So let's take a deeper diveinto my cup and let's have a
chat.
Hey friends, it's TJ.
Welcome back to another episodeof Tea with TJ, and today I
(00:39):
have the pleasure of speakingwith Lonnie Woods III.
Fun fact, I'm also a third, sothat's something we have in
common.
Welcome to the show.
I'm so happy to have you.
Lonnie (00:51):
Great to be here.
Thanks for having me, TJ.
TJ (00:54):
So very quickly for our audience.
Can you just tell me your story?
Lonnie (00:58):
Sure, so my name is Lonnie Woods III.
I'm an only child and if you'renot familiar with thirds, that
means that my name is exactlythe same as my father and my
grandfather.
Fun fact, but I grew up inBaltimore, maryland.
So I come from a working classfamily from Baltimore, maryland,
came up with a lot of love, alot of support, and I then
(01:29):
really sort of noticed that Iwas someone who wanted to do
something creative.
So once I went off to college,I was a first generation college
student.
I went off to college and Istudied photography.
And the story about that isreally funny because I really
just chose it off a whim,because I went to the office of
the college counselor and shewas like what do you want to do
for your major?
And I had just come back fromour senior class trip and I took
(01:50):
some photos and I was likeflipping through a catalog.
Literally I feel so old becausethis is like early 2000s, no
real internet for colleges oranything like that or websites
and I was like flip tophotography and I was like
photography.
So I'm a creative.
I went to college undergrad Istudied photography and after
(02:11):
that I sort like art but Ireally like helping people.
So from there I sort of likereally thought okay, I want to
somehow combine the two art andeducation.
So I went and got a master's atNYU and from there I studied
(02:36):
higher education and studentaffairs because I really wanted
to work with art and designstudents to help them with their
careers and advising and stufflike that.
So that's kind of where mycareer has kind of gone to.
I started off doing a lot offreelance photography stuff and
(02:56):
that's kind of moved into me,working at art and design
schools and helping students,like I wanted to.
And also I have a freelancecareer where I do art direction
and help brands out with theirbranding and stuff.
So I've kind of like made amashup of a career that's been
really, you know, fulfilling forme.
TJ (03:11):
Nice, awesome, I love that.
And then I think you're are youin LA proper or in California?
Lonnie (03:17):
Yes, yes, I forgot to mention that.
So I grew up in Baltimore,maryland, like I said, but then
I moved to New York for gradschool.
Then I moved to DC, dc and,like the DMV area, then I moved
back to New York and now I'm inLA.
So I reside now in sunnyCalifornia totally different
world from the East coast thatI'm used to, but I've been here
for about two years.
TJ (03:39):
And I'm just curious.
I mean this, you know, has nobearing on the episode, but as
an East Coast person and likegrowing up in Baltimore, what
prompted the move to LA?
Because I feel like usuallypeople who live on the East
Coast are like I'm staying overhere, I'm not, I'm not making
the jump.
Lonnie (03:56):
Exactly no.
That's a really great questionand I think my answer always
shocks people, becauseoftentimes people ask me that,
especially people here inCalifornia like what made you
come?
And it really was mental health.
It was mental health.
I was living in New York duringthe pandemic and, as you
probably remember, it was just adifferent city.
I don't think the city or theworld has really come back from
(04:17):
that, but I think for the firsttime I started experiencing I
was slowing down enough tonotice that I had seasonal
depression because I was in thehouse during the winter and I
was in a really weird place withmy career at the time, dealing
with a lot of stressors, and Ijust felt myself sort of needing
a change.
(04:37):
I've always kind of been atraveler.
Like I said, I moved around abit.
I did a bunch of internships,Like I did an internship in
California in undergrad.
So I've always knew that I wasgoing to move around.
I didn't know where.
So it was really mental health.
I felt like I needed to besomewhere that had better
weather year round to help mewith that seasonal depression
and also just the city changingso much.
In New York I didn't feel likeit was the same city and I was
(04:59):
just.
I felt a little just thepandemic, I felt a little like a
boxed in.
So I wanted like a differentpace.
So that's kind of what broughtme here.
But I am being here.
I, to your point, I always knewthat I wouldn't be here forever
, but it really has solidifiedthat I'm a true East coaster.
I love the Northeast.
Um, it's just a totallydifferent world over here on the
(05:19):
West coast in some good waysand some bad ways.
But it's definitely solidifiedthat I am an East coaster.
TJ (05:26):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, interesting.
Yeah, I don't think I could uhdo the West coast.
I've been a few times andthere's just something about big
cities that that are just sospecial to me.
Lonnie (05:39):
Same, same.
TJ (05:41):
That's interesting.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that was thereason.
Lonnie (05:44):
Um, that's interesting.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that was thereason, that was the, that was
the catalyst.
It was really like a life, alow, almost honestly.
It was a low moment of liketrying to feel better and and to
to just have you know one thingabout me I think that's really
interesting is that, uh, I knowpeople shun this in some ways,
um, but I, I don't, I wouldn'tsay I, I'm a runner, but we can
talk about that later when weget into the topic.
(06:06):
But I think that I have learnedin my life that I really
believe in like that, uh, thatthat quote about like, uh,
things that you can control andthings you can't control, and
knowing the difference, theserenity prayer, um, and I think
that I really pay attention tothe things that I can control,
and moving locations issomething that I can control.
(06:27):
So usually when I get to sometype of like intersection in
life, I'm probably thinkingabout moving, so that's a part
of it as well huh, I love that.
TJ (06:38):
I um there's.
I feel like we're gonna haveanother conversation
conversation about this.
Lonnie (06:42):
It's going to circle back.
It's going to circle back, I'msure.
TJ (06:47):
So when we met and discussed having you on the show which I
was honored that you wanted tobe on Tea with TJ I felt very
special.
And you have a podcast as well.
Where can folks find that andlisten to it?
Lonnie (07:04):
Yes, I'm honored to be here and I'm so glad that you
accepted.
My podcast is called what I DidWrong and you can find it
everywhere you podcast, googlePodcasts, apple Podcasts,
spotify and it's a podcast justall about life and mistakes,
because I found that, as I wasgoing through some of the
toughest times in my life, therewasn't a lot of like
(07:25):
information out there about howto recover from mistakes and
also not be shameful in themistakes we make.
So I made a whole podcast aboutdifferent mistakes I've made in
life and I've had some guestson to talk about their mistakes
and they're kind of topical lifetopics.
But the goal is to like removethe shame from making mistakes
and really like, like how do weuse that to you know, feel who
(07:47):
we are now, as opposed to, youknow, thinking about the
mistakes we made.
TJ (07:51):
I love that, yeah, so when we, when we spoke about having
you on, we're throwing aroundtopic ideas for you and you, you
just claimed earlier that itwas my suggestion, so I'll take
it, I guess.
Just claimed earlier that itwas my suggestion, so I'll take
it, I guess.
Uh, but we wanted to discussrelationships, which, yes,
interesting, because I don'tthink I've had anyone on to date
(08:13):
that has brought uprelationships.
I know I've covered it beforein like season one, when it was,
um, just me in front of the mic, but I'm curious to know what
about that topic kind of likespeaks to you or like taps your
soul in a way to want to have adiscussion about it.
Lonnie (08:39):
As I've reflected on a lot of life and decisions and
thoughts and what life reallymeans, I realize that it all
comes down to relationships, forbetter or for worse.
If we think about relationshipswith our parents childhood
trauma, that's relationships.
So we think about dating, wethink about sexuality, identity,
(09:00):
we think about teachers,everything that we experience in
this life really comes down torelationships, community and
stuff like that.
So I think for me, the thingthat kind of sparked it is in
one of the episodes there was asmall piece about polyamory, and
I'm someone who identifies aspoly and I feel that there is
(09:23):
such a stigma and or a lack ofinformation and a lack of
representation.
I think for, for, for queerblack men especially, um, to
really have conversations aboutthat in a way that is grounded
and um, that is, you know,coming from a place of a sincere
(09:43):
place.
So, and then the other reasonwhy this topic of relationships
sort of was something I thoughtwe could talk about is that I'm
a poet as well Raven vision,when I was finishing my first
book, that my second book wasgoing to be about basically
(10:08):
affirmations for black gay menaround relationships and forming
our own relationship structuresand ideas around desire as it
pertains to romanticrelationships, and I always knew
that this was probably going tobe a struggle for me to write,
because I'm not in arelationship and I wasn't at the
time and I was looking at theuniverse like this is going to
(10:29):
be very vulnerable for mebecause I'm not in love and you
want me to like write this bookof like positive affirmations
around creating therelationships you want.
So I think it's just the spacethat I'm in where I feel like
I'm a vessel and I don't feellike you have to be going
through a specific thing to toshare thoughts, you know about a
(10:49):
topic, so Interesting.
TJ (10:51):
I love that, yeah, and I can't wait for that book to come
out.
I'm very, very intrigued.
What would you say has beenlike the most impactful
relationship in your life today?
Lonnie (11:03):
Ooh, that's a great question and you ask great
questions.
By the way, I would have to saymy mom, my relationship with my
mother.
I'm an only child raised by asingle mother and that
relationship really defines whoI am, who I become, who I want
to be proud of, and my momreally fostered this sense of
(11:27):
self that I have.
I'm really self-assured, andshe is, she's always been
instrumental in like pouringback into me and like making
sure that my identity was alwaysprotected, but also that I had.
I was in the driver's seat ofwho I wanted to be in the world,
and that is like lasting impactthat I think I'll have across
(11:51):
my whole life.
So, yeah, I would say that'sprobably the most important
relationship for sure.
TJ (11:57):
I love that I have a similar background to you my, my mom
and dad got a divorce when I wassix or seven, I believe, and uh
, for a good chunk of my life,um, I grew up in a single parent
home until she remarried, um,but it was interesting.
It's interesting to think backon it now as an adult and look
(12:17):
at that moment in time when itwas just the two of us and how
impactful it was in my life,because I don't think, like even
listening to you talk aboutyour mother, I'm thinking back
to those moments and I'm like,oh, yeah, it was me and her
versus the world, you know, yeah, which is kind of like
influenced and informed, the wayI kind of moved through life,
(12:39):
even in my current relationship,or even like the relationships
that I have with other people,whether they be platonic or
friendships or even creativerelationships.
There's something special abouthaving someone on your side or
having someone in your cornerthat truly believes in you and
believes in what you bring tothe table and what you can
(13:00):
provide to the world, just as ahuman being.
I think that is something thatis really unique and special.
When it comes to relationshipsthat are paternal, and I think
even more specifically Blackpeople, folks who look like us.
I think there is even morenuance with our relationships
(13:23):
because there's so much stuffwrapped up in it.
Do you feel like you've had anyrelationships with people of
color whether they be romantic,platonic, professionally,
creatively that have kind ofinfluenced who you are, outside
of the relationship with yourmother?
Lonnie (13:45):
Absolutely, absolutely, and I think you're absolutely
right about people of color,black folks especially.
Relationships show up verydifferently for us.
And then when you add in theintersectionality of being queer
and gay being whatever, I thinkI was actually thinking as a
side note before I answer yourquestion.
I was thinking about thisearlier, about like queer folks
and how our we can sometimesblur the lines of platonic and
(14:09):
romantic, I think easier thanthan heteronormative folks, and
I think in some ways that'slooked at as a bad thing and I
don't think it's good or bad,but I've noticed that it's
something that that happens, Ithink maybe more often, but I
think it goes into the idea offound family or chosen family,
(14:30):
right, like you think about,like you know, houses for vogue
and for voguing houses and howthere's like house mothers and
things like that.
We're like kind of likesometimes disenfranchised as it
pertains to community.
So I think we find community andcherish it sometimes
differently than others, butyeah, I can think of multiple
examples of close friends thatactually was someone that I used
(14:53):
to work with, that was asupervisor of mine.
I was actually just tellingthis story to my best friend
yesterday and this was the firsttime that I had a black
supervisor, black supervisor,and I had built a relationship
with this, this person, thatbecame more than just a
supervisor.
It was like a friend, it was amentor, it was someone that I
(15:14):
trusted and just as a backgroundfor me, like I've only worked
in like predominantly whiteinstitutions, I only went to
predominantly white schools.
I grew up in a black city, butmy professional life has been
very white and typically I'm theonly one because in the art and
design fields there are veryfew people of color in like
certain, certain areas, and so Icame into that role guarded,
(15:36):
you know, just like OK, like Idon't know what to expect from
this relationship.
I want to keep it professional,which we did, but during the
pandemic I think all of us gotso vulnerable like the world was
just in shambles and there weremoments where it was like this
person is someone that I cantrust.
This is a relationship thatwill go beyond this moment for
me and that was really definingfor me, because me, as an
(16:00):
educator, I often think aboutthe impact I have on people in
that way and of course I don'talways get to keep in touch with
former students or anythinglike that but just to know that
that relationship can be soeither detrimental or beneficial
to a student or a coworker orsomeone you're supervising, it
just really just shifted alittle bit of my brain chemistry
(16:22):
around what that could reallylook like when Black folks are
in power, cause the only waythat happened was because she
was in a position of power as adirector to even be my
supervisor, so that's a wholenother DEI discussion.
TJ (16:35):
but absolutely I want to go back and touch on something that
you mentioned, that I, that youmentioned, that I, I completely
um am tapped into with you,that this idea of like chosen
family and how the lines areblurred for for us um weird.
(16:56):
Like you know, our platonicrelationships can become
romantic, and I won't even Iwon't even put all of it on
romantic.
I will say that I've alsoencountered a lot of platonic
relationships that have blurredthe line into, uh, some type of
sexual space or some type ofintimate space yeah um in in not
(17:18):
to even make it about make itall about sex, because I don't
believe that everything is aboutsex, but a certain level of
intimacy that does exist incertain relationships that can
be platonic or that started offplatonic.
There's something unique, Ithink, about being queer and
(17:43):
specifically being a queerperson of color, when it comes
to that blurred line.
I think and I am no therapist,I am not a scholar, I am merely
someone with lived experiencecommenting on this.
But I think I'll use my ownlife as an example that you know
(18:03):
, growing up in the South, forthe majority of the time in a
single parent home, someone whowas trying to navigate his
sexuality and trying to figureout where I fit in the world and
what that meant, and thedefinition of being at that time
using only the terminology ofgay.
Now understanding that I'm morequeer than anything.
(18:28):
Um, being in that space andtrying to, especially at like 16
, trying to figure out what Ilike, who I like, um, while also
trying to make friends and likebe just a normal person, normal
human, right on top of tryingto get those relationships that
(18:50):
were intimate, that started offas a friendship, I think, taught
(19:10):
me a lot about myself andallowed me space to really
explore myself and figure outwhat I actually liked in a safe
environment, because I feel likethere's a lot of spaces,
especially at that age, whereyou can get kind of wrapped up,
quote unquote, into the wrongthing.
Have you had any of those typesof experiences, maybe in your
(19:39):
younger life, where arelationship has developed from
something that was initiallyplatonic as a friendship and
then developed into somethingmore, either romantic or
intimate?
Lonnie (19:52):
Not so much, but I definitely had relationships
when I was younger.
When I look back to your point,I'm like, oh, wow, there was a
connection and attraction there,and I think that that is why I
get so frustrated about when wetalk about in the US, this idea
of, like, sexual health orsexual education, how young we
(20:14):
should talk about certain things.
I think this is a really greatconversation when we talk about
like what's appropriate, but Ithink talking about attraction
is super important.
Just attraction, right, Becauseyou talk to anybody who's queer
.
Before we came out, typically wethought like, oh, I always felt
something and it's like wecouldn't put a name to it and
that's why people don't likethat we exist and we show up,
(20:37):
because we're putting a name tosomething that's real.
And when you don't have a wordfor what you're feeling and that
could be in any realm of life,that's really harmful because
you're like, you feel likesomething's wrong.
Is something wrong with me?
You know you're hearing allthese messages from church and
culture and you never reallyheard someone say like, hey,
some people are attracted to thesame gender.
(20:58):
It's like what.
Some people are attracted tothe same gender.
It's like what would that looklike.
You know, if I had heard thatwhen I was like seven or eight,
I would have been like, okay, itwouldn't have made me go do
anything, but I think I wouldhave just been like, oh, okay,
this is what I'm feeling.
This boy over there is cute andthat's happened, you know.
But I can think of a friend Ihad back in middle school and we
were best friends and come tofind out later we're both queer
(21:21):
and like we never talked aboutit.
And I think that's what was sobeautiful about our relationship
is that it wasn't built onsexuality or anything, but it
was just built on a commonconnection and we just became
friends.
And it was like I think growingup in Baltimore, which is is a
very, not always the most safestplace, especially like being a
certain type of person andlooking a certain type of way,
(21:42):
showing up a certain type of way.
And I think when I found him, Ifound the first person where I
was like, oh, there's somebodyout there like me.
I didn't know it was because hewas queer, and I don't think
it's just because he's queer,but it was like he liked the
same things I liked.
He liked the same music I likehe, he was nice to me and stuff
(22:04):
like that.
So absolutely Now I would saylike in my adult life I've
definitely seen people have exesthat they're still friends with
or express like for a friend,and I've seen different
variations of that.
I would say recently and this iskind of like I didn't think
this would come up, but whateverRecently I had my first time
(22:27):
where you know how you have afriend and I've seen this on TV.
I never thought it would happento be you have a friend and
you're like I actually like thisperson, Uh-oh.
And should I tell them, and allthe emotions that come along
with that.
And that didn't go the way Ithought it would, you know.
But that happened to me in my30s, you know, last year, where
(22:49):
I had a friend and I kind of hada crush on this person and I
didn't.
It wasn't like a longfriendship, so I felt like there
was potential for it to goeither way and I went back and
forth on whether I should saysomething that I did and they
didn't necessarily feel the sameway and they were going through
different things in their lifeand stuff like that.
So that was a very interestingthing from an ego perspective.
(23:12):
I never knew what that feltlike and I understand why people
say, oh, I'll just keep it toto myself, I'll take it to the
grave, because it can bedisappointing if, if you know,
the person doesn't feel the sameway.
TJ (23:24):
But I think it's still important to say it because I
think it can get in the way ofthe friendship so I was going to
say I agree, I think that's ineven in this space, because this
, this show, has always um,lived in this like
self-development space andvulnerable moments, and that is
quoted by jay the gentleman fromdear black gay man.
Uh, but I agree that, like youknow, there's what is the use of
(23:48):
holding on to stuff like that?
Right, because you're alwaysgoing to have this what if
mentality, if you don't share it.
We had um will, what is will'slast name?
Uh, will will more.
William sinclair more on theshow, uh, this season, and he
said something in his episodethat is still like like living
(24:10):
with me, where he was sayingthat there are so many moments
in life where if, if someonesays no or like dismisses you or
or discredits your feelings, somuch stuff in you can die in
that moment and those doors canclose, versus when you get a yes
and when you are receptive tosomeone, so many things can be
(24:33):
birthed in that exchange withyour friend.
Again, just speaking from myown lived experience, those are
the moments that are worthtaking the risk, right, because
you don't know what's going tohappen.
Your whole thought process ispurely perception of the
situation from your side and notnecessarily the other person's
(24:55):
Right.
It could have been that theperson was like oh yeah, I was
just waiting on you to you knowexactly because, um, I even
think about how the the currentrelationship that I'm in.
We've been together since 2007and had I not taken the leap and
actually spoke to this person,we would not be together,
(25:17):
because he was very much like Iwasn't gonna say anything
because I thought you werestraight, uh, and I was very
much like no, like I was staringat you and wanting you know
some sort of acknowledgement ofthat to like have an okay to say
something to you.
Um, so, yeah, it's, it'sbeautiful in the sense that so
many of our life's moments andlike very teachable moments, I
(25:40):
think, exist in that space oflike just just do it, just take
the risk you know, absolutely.
Lonnie (25:47):
Yeah, you got me thinking about a couple of
things.
One is you know the old time,you know you miss all the shots
you don't take.
I think that is that appliesacross the board.
Or like as my mom used to say,like what are you going to lose?
Like the worst thing in thisscenario that could happen is
like the person could say no orwhatever that means.
But absolutely I think youshould and I think what I've
(26:10):
learned about that process, butalso just even like going up to
guys and um, you know, takingthe first um, like you said,
like taking the first step to tointroduce myself and to start
the conversation, is that I hadto dig deep and I'm not
generalizing audience because Iknow I don't want anybody to
come for me, but you can if youwant.
When we think about why wedon't do things that we want to
(26:33):
do, you got to really lookinward and say why am I not
doing it?
And for me, I'm only speakingfor me.
Really look inward and say whyam I not doing it?
And for me, I'm only speakingfor me.
For me, it was a lack of a senseof self in terms of my
confidence, like cause, cause.
My thought was like well, whatwould you want someone to do?
Oh, I want someone to beconfident and come up to me and
say what they, what's on theirmind, and introduce themselves.
And I would want, cause I'mreally attracted to confidence.
(26:55):
And then I started taking aninventory of the things I like
in other men, whether they becelebrities I think about Lenny
Kravitz and I love that likeandrogyny and that like
confidence to be a little bitdifferent or whatever, as a man.
And I'm like you likeconfidence, you like educated
men, you like people that have astrong sense of style and self.
And I'm like, and I askedmyself do you think you have all
(27:16):
those things?
This is like a conversation Ihad with myself and I said yes,
so I'm like so why do you thinkthat someone else is worthy of
feeling like?
They can come up to you withall of that that you say you
have.
So then I just shifted my mind.
I'm like no, you have to stop.
Like, you really need to startdoing this.
So I think to your point youdon't lose anything by being
(27:39):
honest and being yourself, andif that includes telling a
friend that you're, it's notlike I was in love with this
person.
But I'm like, hey, there's aromantic interest there.
They were in a relationshipwhen we first met and so it was.
Actually it was even moreserendipitous because I was like
, wow, they just broke up andlike here's my chance.
Because in my mind I'm likethis person is going to be with
this person.
So of course, that will neverhappen and I'll just keep it
inside.
(27:59):
And it wasn't like this burningthing where I'm like, oh my God
, like I can't wait.
I just want to have sex withyou every time I see you.
But I did.
I felt like when thatrelationship ended with I'm just
like, wow, this seems like theuniverse is opening this up, at
least for me to say somethingyou know.
So I agree with you.
It builds your character, not ina toxic way, but in a way where
(28:20):
, when I think about rejectionwhich is what I think a lot of
rejection because, um, thatreject to me, that doesn't, it's
(28:47):
not even a rejection.
It's just like you know,someone doesn't want what you
want.
That's not necessarilyrejection.
It's just like I had a desirethat I would have loved to work
a specific way, or at least tofind out.
But when we think aboutbreakups and we think about
people not being interested inus, that cheating on us and all
that other stuff.
I'm an Aquarius and this may bewhy I think like this.
But they say we can be a littleself-centered.
(29:09):
But to me, none of that hasanything to do with me.
It has nothing that if someonecheating on me has nothing to do
with me.
But I know, a lot of times weinternalize rejection.
When it comes to relationships,we internalize oh, I shot my
shot and this is why I don't dothis.
You did it one time.
The person wasn't into it,there is someone else that would
love it.
And I will say that once Istarted, after I took that
(29:31):
inventory and I basicallystarted, like when I went out
not all the time, but I would bemore confident and like if I
saw something, see something,say something, like in New York,
I was like talking to boys,like men, like, hey guys, I'm
interested, you know, and what Ilearned is that I got more
acceptance than I got rejection.
I really did, and I'm notsaying that to, but I think
(29:53):
that's what happens is that wedon't practice things enough to
have enough data to say well,actually, out of the 25 people I
talked to not that I can track,one of them wasn't interested,
but 24 of them was it kind ofbuilt your confidence, so that's
been helpful for me.
I love that.
TJ (30:10):
There's also this space, I think and I'm curious to know
your thoughts because you've nowdone both coasts, and I'm
curious to know your thoughtsbecause you've now done both
coasts but I feel like in NewYork specifically, there's a
different type of energy.
Here, where people are,although from the outside it
looks like people are closed off, people are actually pretty
(30:32):
receptive in New York.
Like, if you approach someoneand like speak to them like a
normal person, not trying tosell them anything, because I
feel like that is the thing inNew York is that you can walk
down the street and someone'strying to sell you something,
you're like no, I don't havemoney, I don't have time.
But if you genuinely want tohave a connection with people,
people are pretty receptive.
Like the amount of times thatI've connected with someone on
the train or in a store or likeat a coffee shop that I did not
(30:56):
know, that I just so happened tosee, maybe like twice, and
commented on that and formedsome type of relationship from
that moment, even if it's a Iuse this as an example like
there's a coffee shop near myhouse that I go to every day.
It got to the point where thebaristas actually know my name
now, know my order and actuallygenuinely care about, like how
(31:18):
your day is going Right, whereasif I had not engaged with them
or had a moment with them first,or even allowed them to allow
them in right to want to have aconversation with me, it could
have been very closed off, itcould have been very sterile.
So I feel like those moments inNew York do exist.
(31:40):
I'm curious to know if thoseexist for you in LA.
Lonnie (31:43):
Yeah, no, I think you're absolutely right.
I definitely see a differencebetween the East Coast and the
West Coast as it pertains tothose types of things.
I would say the difference isless about people wanting to be
talked to and more aboutauthenticity.
I feel like and I think this isvery common and very
stereotypical, but I have theexperience to say on the East
Coast things are a bit more rawand real.
(32:04):
So if someone likes you,whether you introduce yourself
to them or not, it's probablytrue they like you, like, let's
go.
If I'm hollering, I really wantto holler If I, if I'm talking
to you on the dating app, Ireally want to talk to you.
Here in on the West coast, or atleast in Southern, in Los
Angeles, I'd say there is a bitmore of a sense of a veneer over
(32:28):
everything sometimes.
So someone might be showinginterest but they might not be
interested, which is it's veryhard for East coasters to deal
with because we're so used tobeing direct and like yo, you
wasted my time.
So here's, someone will meetyou in the coffee shop and say,
oh, my goodness, I love yourshirt, let's hang out.
Let's hang out.
You seem like a really coolperson and actually not mean it
(32:49):
at all and, you know, flake anddo all these things.
So that can be a bitdisappointing.
But, yeah, absolutely, I thinksomething you said earlier I
think is super important too.
More people than not, I believe, want to be talked to, and
we're all at parties, like whenI hear people including myself,
I've done it too you go to aparty and you're like that party
was whack because everyone wasin their group talking, you know
(33:12):
.
So that gives me the clue thatwe all want to be talked to, but
we all, like, want someone elseto do it.
And I don't know if it wasgandhi or somebody who said,
like you have to be the changeyou want to see in the world I'm
misquoting, I think, the person, but I think it's really true.
We have to start acting andcoming up to people and talking
and stuff like that, I thinkmore not being afraid of the
(33:33):
rejection, but it can be hard incities like this where there is
some disingenuous interactions.
And the other thing you saidreminded me of, you know, this
idea of you know, when you arethinking about connecting,
thinking about what your valuesare Like, what are my values
that pertain to relationships,friends.
(33:53):
You know we often say that it'shard to make friends as adults,
which I agree with.
But I think if you find, if youtake an inventory of your
values, sometimes it's easier tokind of connect with people
across those values and that cankind of take some of the
pressure off of meeting thembecause you have something in
common that you really like.
(34:14):
Like, whether it's art orsocial, social justice or, you
know, whatever the topic may be,finding people in those spaces
I found have been easier toconnect with because, um,
because it's just like you havesomething in common.
It's funny, and I'll say onemore story.
This is funny.
I'm kind of having flashbacksof my New York.
Speaking of New York, I neversaid this publicly before, but I
(34:36):
have a really fun story aboutmeeting someone, a stranger, and
this is this.
Sounds like it's from a moviebut, it's.
I promise it's true.
I once saw this guy on thetrain in the Bronx I used to
live in the Bronx before I movedhere and he was really
attractive he was.
I found out later he was amodel and something.
(34:56):
I've always had this likefantasy of airdropping a
stranger and I've never done itand I don't know what in my mind
this morning.
That morning allowed me to saytry to airdrop and see, cause it
was a very empty train.
It was the morning I was on myway to a doctor's appointment.
So, you know it was early andyou know it wasn't that many
people and it was uptown, it waslike the red line, so it wasn't
(35:19):
like super crowded, it wasn'tlike the A or the C E, it was
like the three or four, it wassomething that wasn't super busy
.
So it was just him and I'm likechances are he has a black name
.
You know what I mean.
So if I open up my airdrop, ifI see Jabarius or something, I'm
like that's him.
And I actually forgot that Idid this.
This was so bold of me.
I wrote a note in my phone andI screenshot like hey, how are
(35:46):
you?
And I airdropped it to him andI said good morning.
And we had a whole conversationback and forth by like
airdropping these photos ofnotes and I couldn't believe it.
And then at the end that weexchanged phone numbers and it
fizzled out and nothing happened.
But I was like you really justdid that.
Like you know, it was somethingout of like a romantic comedy,
(36:08):
but I really did it and itworked.
And to to to my point, to yourpoint, it works more than it
doesn't?
You just have to try, you know.
TJ (36:17):
So, yeah, I did that jesus, that that I, I, I love that,
that is.
That's such a new york story,you know such a new york story.
Lonnie (36:29):
So I think to your point actually I take that back.
I think, yeah, new York is moresusceptible to stuff like that.
TJ (36:34):
Like I don't know if I could do that here.
Lonnie (36:36):
I don't know if that will work.
TJ (36:39):
I feel like there's not a lot of.
I mean, I've only visited andnot lived there, but I would
imagine there's not a lot ofopportunity there for those
types of moments.
Lonnie (36:47):
Right, it's not.
Yeah, because there's not asmuch public transportation,
there's not as much walkability,walkable experiences every year
, driving to everything.
So here communities write hardbecause you're not often forced
to be with strangers.
You know, I was on my way to adoctor's appointment that
morning and saw that guy on thetrain.
That doesn't really happen herebecause I'm driving and stuff
(37:08):
like that.
But also just yeah, I thinkthere's just this fearlessness
about the East Coast that Ireally like.
It's just just like it is whatit is, which I mean can get you
in trouble.
Sometimes there is this justlike boldness, and I don't know
it was the pandemic too.
So I feel like the pandemic.
(37:29):
My brain was just like there'sso much going on in the world,
why not?
Like I could die from COVID?
So like, what is me likesending a note to this guy on
the train?
That's yeah.
TJ (37:39):
I am thinking about that story, like I'm baffled by that
because that's such a New Yorkmoment and something that like
if I saw that in a movie I'd belike that's so sweet, like I
(38:00):
would want somebody to do thatto me or, you know, want to do
that with me.
Yeah.
Lonnie (38:05):
It would have been a good story if we like got
married or something Likeimagine that being the story at
the wedding.
TJ (38:09):
Yes, good story if we like got married or something like.
Lonnie (38:11):
Imagine that being the story at the wedding.
Yes, like that would have beentoo bad.
TJ (38:12):
That didn't work out, but that would have been a really
cool origin story of arelationship yeah, it's
interesting because I'm like nowthat has me thinking so what in
in your I would say romanticrelationships?
Because that's I feel like this.
We're leaning um and you saidsomething that I feel like this
(38:34):
question makes sense.
Now, where does self-love fallwhen it comes to forging
relationships with people?
Because I do believe there is,like you said earlier, like
there are certain things thatpeople have to check off the
list for you to, like you know,approach them, slash, want to be
approached by them, and I feellike self-love is a pivotal
(38:58):
space in there.
Where does that fall and likewhat does it look like for you?
Lonnie (39:02):
It's a really good question.
It's super important.
In some ways, I think theanswer to that question, and
even the concept of that, is thereason why me and maybe some
other people are single.
Right, I think, when you aresingle and doing the work, the
self-work, your value goes up.
(39:23):
And I'm not talking about somehigh value red pill stuff, but
your, your, your, yourperspective of yourself goes up
because you've done the work andyou're like, wow, in order to
do the work, you have to loveyourself, and so, um, it
definitely is super important tome, um, especially because I am
someone who really valuesspeaking of values, um, having
(39:46):
my own mind, my own perspective,my own personality, my own life
.
So self-love is super importantin relationships Romantic, I'll
stick to is because when youseek a partner, trying to find
validation or completion, Ithink that's when it can be
(40:06):
really dangerous because, evenif that's a good relationship,
you're expecting someone else tofill in the blanks that you're
missing.
And I'm not talking aboutsomeone being complimentary,
because I know there's thisargument.
When people say things like I'msaying that, like, oh no, there
is a way that, like a person isgood at something that you're
not, yeah, that's different thanwhat I'm saying.
I'm talking about likeself-value.
If I'm with you and I don't,really it's just like the thing
(40:33):
I talked about approachingpeople.
The thing I had to get throughwas that you don't think that
you deserve even to try to talkto this attractive guy Like how
and that sounded crazy to mewhen I, when I really sat back
like oh wow, you don't thinkthat you deserve a chance.
So the same with relationships.
If your self love is not incheck, I think you can get into
spaces where you are seeking outexternal validation from this
(40:58):
partner or from this lover thatyou don't actually feel for
yourself.
So then they're not validatingsomething that you already
believe they're actually the ofthis, this so-called truth about
yourself, and I think that canbe really dangerous.
So for me, I think, when I gointo relationships and the way I
think about it is, yeah,self-care is important.
(41:20):
I think solo dates areimportant.
I think spending time withyourself, your friends, still
having practices that arehealthy practices outside of
that person, that feeds intoLonnie.
Like what does Lonnie like todo?
Like, I'm an avid thrifter.
I like to go hiking, I like todrink wine, I like to, like you
know, connect with my friends.
I got to make sure that Imaintain that my looks and my
(41:43):
style and stuff for me first,even in a relationship, because
if not, I think it's easy forthat validation to be dependent
on the lover.
TJ (41:53):
I completely agree.
I think that's, um, that issomething that, being on the
other side of 30, I realized formyself and I think, although
I'm grateful for therelationship that I'm in, it was
one of the um, the nuancesabout our relationship that I
didn't realize until it wasuntil I was older that I spent
(42:14):
so much of 18 to 25 with thisone person and kind of like
hinged at the hip, so to speak,to where I had kind of lost I
don't want to say lost because Idon't mean it in that way, but
I was still figuring out who Iactually was, right and being
(42:39):
able to navigate all that.
And now, being 35, you know, Inow I know the things that I
like, I know the things that Idon't like, right.
I know when I need time tomyself.
Don't talk to me, I need timeto myself.
I need to go for a walk, I needto have a cup of tea, I need to
go to a museum, I just need togo to the movies by myself, and
I think there's a lot of thattype of thought that gets missed
when you've been in arelationship very young and for
(43:03):
such an extended amount of timeprior to knowing who you
actually are, and so I hope thatthat's such a beautiful point
and statement.
I loved every moment of that.
I am curious to know from youbecause you did mention this
earlier are there in this ideaof like self-love prior to
(43:29):
entering into any type ofrelationship with someone else,
not just romantic?
What are some of those youmentioned affirmations before
like?
What are some of thoseaffirmations that you do have to
kind of just help you feed thatself?
Lonnie (43:45):
Absolutely Something I didn't mention.
When you asked me why I movedto LA, I think part of the
healing journey that I was on isthat I had always gone to
therapy, but during that time Ireally had locked in with a
therapist and I remember on ourfirst call which was actually
kind of shocking because I feltlike I hadn't had a therapist
say something so direct to mebefore After our consultation
(44:08):
and maybe the second or thefirst one, she told me that we
would be working on my view ofmyself and my self-worth.
TJ (44:14):
And I was so offended.
Lonnie (44:15):
I was like I'm so confident.
What are you talking about?
I'm a super confident person.
And she said you are confident.
But basically she was tellingme that you know, let's dig
deeper into the source of myconfidence.
And at the time the source ofmy confidence wasn't self-worth.
And I was like you know, let'sdig deeper into the source of my
confidence, and at the time thesource of my confidence wasn't
self-worth.
Then I was like oh gosh, Ididn't know that the source of
(44:37):
my confidence was production.
What could I produce?
So I've always been a highachiever, which, again, I also
did some studies about blackqueer people and overachieving.
That's how we like move, that'show we show up, and I was like
whoa, I actually haven't had ahigh value of self.
I've just been really praisedand excited about the things
(44:58):
I've been able to accomplish.
So, anyway that that's somethingthat came up in my therapy.
That leads to the answer aboutthe affirmations, which is that
you are enough at base levelwithout doing anything for
anyone else.
Lonnie deserves love becauseit's his birthright, not because
(45:22):
he has education or he he'screative or he's cool, he can
make you laugh.
That has been a game changerfor me, and it's still hard
sometimes to receive love frommy friends and even sometimes
romantic partners, because I'mso used to this default of my
(45:43):
love being conditional tosomething I could do for the
person subconsciously, or do forthe situation or me fixing
something or saving something.
Or even when I think about myfamily even though I had a
pretty decent, I feel like I hada great upbringing.
(46:03):
But when you are the prize Iwas the prize student, the prize
family, even my cousin when Igo back home, you know,
sometimes he's like yo, youbroke the family curse, you know
, and I think it's such agenuine thing to say.
But that comes with an immenseamount of pressure.
But it also comes with thisidea that I can perform my way
(46:26):
out of my emotions and that myvalue is really about me like
achieving, and not about mebeing me.
So that's one of theaffirmations, and I think one of
them is less of a.
The other thing I'll say beforeI stop is it's not so much
affirmation, but I think I'velearned that one thing that I
value in relationships, or Ivalue in myself, is I like being
(46:51):
around people who also valuepeople being themselves.
So transparency, authenticity,is a value of mine and I've been
in relationships before where Ididn't know that this was a
thing.
But there are people who do notvalue authenticity.
Some people, I'll say in myexperience is what I've learned?
(47:12):
It's like oh, some peopleactually value being chosen more
than authenticity, becausebeing chosen doesn't have to be
authentic.
So if I say this is my favoritecup, I don't have to mean that
to make this cup feel like it'smy favorite.
So some people I've learned andI'm not judging that, I'm just
(47:34):
saying it's not a high value ofmine to be chosen.
Some people value being chosen.
Some people value being marriedmore than authenticity.
So they'd be in a relationshipthat is not authentically happy
but because they're married andI had to learn that I'm like oh,
everyone doesn't valueauthenticity.
So for me, I want to be aroundpeople who are themselves.
(47:58):
So my goal to your point is totry to be myself as much as
possible around people and tovet out people who don't value
that, because that type ofrelationship won't serve me at
all.
TJ (48:12):
I wish I could see my face right now, because I'm agreeing
with everything money is sayingright now.
I want to, just I want to.
I want to pin this because youjust spoke to the depths of my
soul Confidence is not equal toyour self-worth.
Confidence is not equal to yourself-worth and your self-worth
(48:35):
is not hinged on anyone else.
Again, your self-worth is nothinged on anyone else, it's not
conditional.
So I just needed to say that,because those two things just
just tapping right here.
So, friends, if you were lovingthis episode as much as I am
right now, this is beyond what Icould have asked for in an
(48:57):
episode about relationships.
We're going to end this righthere and then come back and join
us for part two, which will bein the following week.
Thanks so much for listening.
This has been the Tea with TJand I'll see you in part two
next week.
And so much for listening.
This has been Tea with TJ andI'll see you in part two next
week and that's our show.
Friends, thanks for joining uson Tea with TJ.
(49:19):
Please rate, review andsubscribe, and you can find us
on Instagram at Tea with TJpodcast.
And, as always, stay kind, keepsipping and remember we're here
, so we might as well do it.
Hey friends, it's TJ, and you're listening to Tea with TJ,
where our love for tea,conversation and
self-improvement intersect.
So let's take a deeper diveinto my cup and let's have a
chat.
Hey friends, it's TJ.
Welcome back to another episodeof Tea with TJ, and today I
(00:39):
have the pleasure of speakingwith Lonnie Woods III.
Fun fact, I'm also a third, sothat's something we have in
common.
Welcome to the show.
I'm so happy to have you.
Lonnie (00:51):
Great to be here.
Thanks for having me, TJ.
TJ (00:54):
So very quickly for our audience.
Can you just tell me your story?
Lonnie (00:58):
Sure, so my name is Lonnie Woods III.
I'm an only child and if you'renot familiar with thirds, that
means that my name is exactlythe same as my father and my
grandfather.
Fun fact, but I grew up inBaltimore, maryland.
So I come from a working classfamily from Baltimore, maryland,
came up with a lot of love, alot of support, and I then
(01:29):
really sort of noticed that Iwas someone who wanted to do
something creative.
So once I went off to college,I was a first generation college
student.
I went off to college and Istudied photography.
And the story about that isreally funny because I really
just chose it off a whim,because I went to the office of
the college counselor and shewas like what do you want to do
for your major?
And I had just come back fromour senior class trip and I took
(01:50):
some photos and I was likeflipping through a catalog.
Literally I feel so old becausethis is like early 2000s, no
real internet for colleges oranything like that or websites
and I was like flip tophotography and I was like
photography.
So I'm a creative.
I went to college undergrad Istudied photography and after
(02:11):
that I sort like art but Ireally like helping people.
So from there I sort of likereally thought okay, I want to
somehow combine the two art andeducation.
So I went and got a master's atNYU and from there I studied
(02:36):
higher education and studentaffairs because I really wanted
to work with art and designstudents to help them with their
careers and advising and stufflike that.
So that's kind of where mycareer has kind of gone to.
I started off doing a lot offreelance photography stuff and
(02:56):
that's kind of moved into me,working at art and design
schools and helping students,like I wanted to.
And also I have a freelancecareer where I do art direction
and help brands out with theirbranding and stuff.
So I've kind of like made amashup of a career that's been
really, you know, fulfilling forme.
TJ (03:11):
Nice, awesome, I love that.
And then I think you're are youin LA proper or in California?
Lonnie (03:17):
Yes, yes, I forgot to mention that.
So I grew up in Baltimore,maryland, like I said, but then
I moved to New York for gradschool.
Then I moved to DC, dc and,like the DMV area, then I moved
back to New York and now I'm inLA.
So I reside now in sunnyCalifornia totally different
world from the East coast thatI'm used to, but I've been here
for about two years.
TJ (03:39):
And I'm just curious.
I mean this, you know, has nobearing on the episode, but as
an East Coast person and likegrowing up in Baltimore, what
prompted the move to LA?
Because I feel like usuallypeople who live on the East
Coast are like I'm staying overhere, I'm not, I'm not making
the jump.
Lonnie (03:56):
Exactly no.
That's a really great questionand I think my answer always
shocks people, becauseoftentimes people ask me that,
especially people here inCalifornia like what made you
come?
And it really was mental health.
It was mental health.
I was living in New York duringthe pandemic and, as you
probably remember, it was just adifferent city.
I don't think the city or theworld has really come back from
(04:17):
that, but I think for the firsttime I started experiencing I
was slowing down enough tonotice that I had seasonal
depression because I was in thehouse during the winter and I
was in a really weird place withmy career at the time, dealing
with a lot of stressors, and Ijust felt myself sort of needing
a change.
(04:37):
I've always kind of been atraveler.
Like I said, I moved around abit.
I did a bunch of internships,Like I did an internship in
California in undergrad.
So I've always knew that I wasgoing to move around.
I didn't know where.
So it was really mental health.
I felt like I needed to besomewhere that had better
weather year round to help mewith that seasonal depression
and also just the city changingso much.
In New York I didn't feel likeit was the same city and I was
(04:59):
just.
I felt a little just thepandemic, I felt a little like a
boxed in.
So I wanted like a differentpace.
So that's kind of what broughtme here.
But I am being here.
I, to your point, I always knewthat I wouldn't be here forever
, but it really has solidifiedthat I'm a true East coaster.
I love the Northeast.
Um, it's just a totallydifferent world over here on the
(05:19):
West coast in some good waysand some bad ways.
But it's definitely solidifiedthat I am an East coaster.
TJ (05:26):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, interesting.
Yeah, I don't think I could uhdo the West coast.
I've been a few times andthere's just something about big
cities that that are just sospecial to me.
Lonnie (05:39):
Same, same.
TJ (05:41):
That's interesting.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that was thereason.
Lonnie (05:44):
Um, that's interesting.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that was thereason, that was the, that was
the catalyst.
It was really like a life, alow, almost honestly.
It was a low moment of liketrying to feel better and and to
to just have you know one thingabout me I think that's really
interesting is that, uh, I knowpeople shun this in some ways,
um, but I, I don't, I wouldn'tsay I, I'm a runner, but we can
talk about that later when weget into the topic.
(06:06):
But I think that I have learnedin my life that I really
believe in like that, uh, thatthat quote about like, uh,
things that you can control andthings you can't control, and
knowing the difference, theserenity prayer, um, and I think
that I really pay attention tothe things that I can control,
and moving locations issomething that I can control.
(06:27):
So usually when I get to sometype of like intersection in
life, I'm probably thinkingabout moving, so that's a part
of it as well huh, I love that.
TJ (06:38):
I um there's.
I feel like we're gonna haveanother conversation
conversation about this.
Lonnie (06:42):
It's going to circle back.
It's going to circle back, I'msure.
TJ (06:47):
So when we met and discussed having you on the show which I
was honored that you wanted tobe on Tea with TJ I felt very
special.
And you have a podcast as well.
Where can folks find that andlisten to it?
Lonnie (07:04):
Yes, I'm honored to be here and I'm so glad that you
accepted.
My podcast is called what I DidWrong and you can find it
everywhere you podcast, googlePodcasts, apple Podcasts,
spotify and it's a podcast justall about life and mistakes,
because I found that, as I wasgoing through some of the
toughest times in my life, therewasn't a lot of like
(07:25):
information out there about howto recover from mistakes and
also not be shameful in themistakes we make.
So I made a whole podcast aboutdifferent mistakes I've made in
life and I've had some guestson to talk about their mistakes
and they're kind of topical lifetopics.
But the goal is to like removethe shame from making mistakes
and really like, like how do weuse that to you know, feel who
(07:47):
we are now, as opposed to, youknow, thinking about the
mistakes we made.
TJ (07:51):
I love that, yeah, so when we, when we spoke about having
you on, we're throwing aroundtopic ideas for you and you, you
just claimed earlier that itwas my suggestion, so I'll take
it, I guess.
Just claimed earlier that itwas my suggestion, so I'll take
it, I guess.
Uh, but we wanted to discussrelationships, which, yes,
interesting, because I don'tthink I've had anyone on to date
(08:13):
that has brought uprelationships.
I know I've covered it beforein like season one, when it was,
um, just me in front of the mic, but I'm curious to know what
about that topic kind of likespeaks to you or like taps your
soul in a way to want to have adiscussion about it.
Lonnie (08:39):
As I've reflected on a lot of life and decisions and
thoughts and what life reallymeans, I realize that it all
comes down to relationships, forbetter or for worse.
If we think about relationshipswith our parents childhood
trauma, that's relationships.
So we think about dating, wethink about sexuality, identity,
(09:00):
we think about teachers,everything that we experience in
this life really comes down torelationships, community and
stuff like that.
So I think for me, the thingthat kind of sparked it is in
one of the episodes there was asmall piece about polyamory, and
I'm someone who identifies aspoly and I feel that there is
(09:23):
such a stigma and or a lack ofinformation and a lack of
representation.
I think for, for, for queerblack men especially, um, to
really have conversations aboutthat in a way that is grounded
and um, that is, you know,coming from a place of a sincere
(09:43):
place.
So, and then the other reasonwhy this topic of relationships
sort of was something I thoughtwe could talk about is that I'm
a poet as well Raven vision,when I was finishing my first
book, that my second book wasgoing to be about basically
(10:08):
affirmations for black gay menaround relationships and forming
our own relationship structuresand ideas around desire as it
pertains to romanticrelationships, and I always knew
that this was probably going tobe a struggle for me to write,
because I'm not in arelationship and I wasn't at the
time and I was looking at theuniverse like this is going to
(10:29):
be very vulnerable for mebecause I'm not in love and you
want me to like write this bookof like positive affirmations
around creating therelationships you want.
So I think it's just the spacethat I'm in where I feel like
I'm a vessel and I don't feellike you have to be going
through a specific thing to toshare thoughts, you know about a
(10:49):
topic, so Interesting.
TJ (10:51):
I love that, yeah, and I can't wait for that book to come
out.
I'm very, very intrigued.
What would you say has beenlike the most impactful
relationship in your life today?
Lonnie (11:03):
Ooh, that's a great question and you ask great
questions.
By the way, I would have to saymy mom, my relationship with my
mother.
I'm an only child raised by asingle mother and that
relationship really defines whoI am, who I become, who I want
to be proud of, and my momreally fostered this sense of
(11:27):
self that I have.
I'm really self-assured, andshe is, she's always been
instrumental in like pouringback into me and like making
sure that my identity was alwaysprotected, but also that I had.
I was in the driver's seat ofwho I wanted to be in the world,
and that is like lasting impactthat I think I'll have across
(11:51):
my whole life.
So, yeah, I would say that'sprobably the most important
relationship for sure.
TJ (11:57):
I love that I have a similar background to you my, my mom
and dad got a divorce when I wassix or seven, I believe, and uh
, for a good chunk of my life,um, I grew up in a single parent
home until she remarried, um,but it was interesting.
It's interesting to think backon it now as an adult and look
(12:17):
at that moment in time when itwas just the two of us and how
impactful it was in my life,because I don't think, like even
listening to you talk aboutyour mother, I'm thinking back
to those moments and I'm like,oh, yeah, it was me and her
versus the world, you know, yeah, which is kind of like
influenced and informed, the wayI kind of moved through life,
(12:39):
even in my current relationship,or even like the relationships
that I have with other people,whether they be platonic or
friendships or even creativerelationships.
There's something special abouthaving someone on your side or
having someone in your cornerthat truly believes in you and
believes in what you bring tothe table and what you can
(13:00):
provide to the world, just as ahuman being.
I think that is something thatis really unique and special.
When it comes to relationshipsthat are paternal, and I think
even more specifically Blackpeople, folks who look like us.
I think there is even morenuance with our relationships
(13:23):
because there's so much stuffwrapped up in it.
Do you feel like you've had anyrelationships with people of
color whether they be romantic,platonic, professionally,
creatively that have kind ofinfluenced who you are, outside
of the relationship with yourmother?
Lonnie (13:45):
Absolutely, absolutely, and I think you're absolutely
right about people of color,black folks especially.
Relationships show up verydifferently for us.
And then when you add in theintersectionality of being queer
and gay being whatever, I thinkI was actually thinking as a
side note before I answer yourquestion.
I was thinking about thisearlier, about like queer folks
and how our we can sometimesblur the lines of platonic and
(14:09):
romantic, I think easier thanthan heteronormative folks, and
I think in some ways that'slooked at as a bad thing and I
don't think it's good or bad,but I've noticed that it's
something that that happens, Ithink maybe more often, but I
think it goes into the idea offound family or chosen family,
(14:30):
right, like you think about,like you know, houses for vogue
and for voguing houses and howthere's like house mothers and
things like that.
We're like kind of likesometimes disenfranchised as it
pertains to community.
So I think we find community andcherish it sometimes
differently than others, butyeah, I can think of multiple
examples of close friends thatactually was someone that I used
(14:53):
to work with, that was asupervisor of mine.
I was actually just tellingthis story to my best friend
yesterday and this was the firsttime that I had a black
supervisor, black supervisor,and I had built a relationship
with this, this person, thatbecame more than just a
supervisor.
It was like a friend, it was amentor, it was someone that I
(15:14):
trusted and just as a backgroundfor me, like I've only worked
in like predominantly whiteinstitutions, I only went to
predominantly white schools.
I grew up in a black city, butmy professional life has been
very white and typically I'm theonly one because in the art and
design fields there are veryfew people of color in like
certain, certain areas, and so Icame into that role guarded,
(15:36):
you know, just like OK, like Idon't know what to expect from
this relationship.
I want to keep it professional,which we did, but during the
pandemic I think all of us gotso vulnerable like the world was
just in shambles and there weremoments where it was like this
person is someone that I cantrust.
This is a relationship thatwill go beyond this moment for
me and that was really definingfor me, because me, as an
(16:00):
educator, I often think aboutthe impact I have on people in
that way and of course I don'talways get to keep in touch with
former students or anythinglike that but just to know that
that relationship can be soeither detrimental or beneficial
to a student or a coworker orsomeone you're supervising, it
just really just shifted alittle bit of my brain chemistry
(16:22):
around what that could reallylook like when Black folks are
in power, cause the only waythat happened was because she
was in a position of power as adirector to even be my
supervisor, so that's a wholenother DEI discussion.
TJ (16:35):
but absolutely I want to go back and touch on something that
you mentioned, that I, that youmentioned, that I, I completely
um am tapped into with you,that this idea of like chosen
family and how the lines areblurred for for us um weird.
(16:56):
Like you know, our platonicrelationships can become
romantic, and I won't even Iwon't even put all of it on
romantic.
I will say that I've alsoencountered a lot of platonic
relationships that have blurredthe line into, uh, some type of
sexual space or some type ofintimate space yeah um in in not
(17:18):
to even make it about make itall about sex, because I don't
believe that everything is aboutsex, but a certain level of
intimacy that does exist incertain relationships that can
be platonic or that started offplatonic.
There's something unique, Ithink, about being queer and
(17:43):
specifically being a queerperson of color, when it comes
to that blurred line.
I think and I am no therapist,I am not a scholar, I am merely
someone with lived experiencecommenting on this.
But I think I'll use my ownlife as an example that you know
(18:03):
, growing up in the South, forthe majority of the time in a
single parent home, someone whowas trying to navigate his
sexuality and trying to figureout where I fit in the world and
what that meant, and thedefinition of being at that time
using only the terminology ofgay.
Now understanding that I'm morequeer than anything.
(18:28):
Um, being in that space andtrying to, especially at like 16
, trying to figure out what Ilike, who I like, um, while also
trying to make friends and likebe just a normal person, normal
human, right on top of tryingto get those relationships that
(18:50):
were intimate, that started offas a friendship, I think, taught
(19:10):
me a lot about myself andallowed me space to really
explore myself and figure outwhat I actually liked in a safe
environment, because I feel likethere's a lot of spaces,
especially at that age, whereyou can get kind of wrapped up,
quote unquote, into the wrongthing.
Have you had any of those typesof experiences, maybe in your
(19:39):
younger life, where arelationship has developed from
something that was initiallyplatonic as a friendship and
then developed into somethingmore, either romantic or
intimate?
Lonnie (19:52):
Not so much, but I definitely had relationships
when I was younger.
When I look back to your point,I'm like, oh, wow, there was a
connection and attraction there,and I think that that is why I
get so frustrated about when wetalk about in the US, this idea
of, like, sexual health orsexual education, how young we
(20:14):
should talk about certain things.
I think this is a really greatconversation when we talk about
like what's appropriate, but Ithink talking about attraction
is super important.
Just attraction, right, Becauseyou talk to anybody who's queer
.
Before we came out, typically wethought like, oh, I always felt
something and it's like wecouldn't put a name to it and
that's why people don't likethat we exist and we show up,
(20:37):
because we're putting a name tosomething that's real.
And when you don't have a wordfor what you're feeling and that
could be in any realm of life,that's really harmful because
you're like, you feel likesomething's wrong.
Is something wrong with me?
You know you're hearing allthese messages from church and
culture and you never reallyheard someone say like, hey,
some people are attracted to thesame gender.
(20:58):
It's like what.
Some people are attracted tothe same gender.
It's like what would that looklike.
You know, if I had heard thatwhen I was like seven or eight,
I would have been like, okay, itwouldn't have made me go do
anything, but I think I wouldhave just been like, oh, okay,
this is what I'm feeling.
This boy over there is cute andthat's happened, you know.
But I can think of a friend Ihad back in middle school and we
were best friends and come tofind out later we're both queer
(21:21):
and like we never talked aboutit.
And I think that's what was sobeautiful about our relationship
is that it wasn't built onsexuality or anything, but it
was just built on a commonconnection and we just became
friends.
And it was like I think growingup in Baltimore, which is is a
very, not always the most safestplace, especially like being a
certain type of person andlooking a certain type of way,
(21:42):
showing up a certain type of way.
And I think when I found him, Ifound the first person where I
was like, oh, there's somebodyout there like me.
I didn't know it was because hewas queer, and I don't think
it's just because he's queer,but it was like he liked the
same things I liked.
He liked the same music I likehe, he was nice to me and stuff
(22:04):
like that.
So absolutely Now I would saylike in my adult life I've
definitely seen people have exesthat they're still friends with
or express like for a friend,and I've seen different
variations of that.
I would say recently and this iskind of like I didn't think
this would come up, but whateverRecently I had my first time
(22:27):
where you know how you have afriend and I've seen this on TV.
I never thought it would happento be you have a friend and
you're like I actually like thisperson, Uh-oh.
And should I tell them, and allthe emotions that come along
with that.
And that didn't go the way Ithought it would, you know.
But that happened to me in my30s, you know, last year, where
(22:49):
I had a friend and I kind of hada crush on this person and I
didn't.
It wasn't like a longfriendship, so I felt like there
was potential for it to goeither way and I went back and
forth on whether I should saysomething that I did and they
didn't necessarily feel the sameway and they were going through
different things in their lifeand stuff like that.
So that was a very interestingthing from an ego perspective.
(23:12):
I never knew what that feltlike and I understand why people
say, oh, I'll just keep it toto myself, I'll take it to the
grave, because it can bedisappointing if, if you know,
the person doesn't feel the sameway.
TJ (23:24):
But I think it's still important to say it because I
think it can get in the way ofthe friendship so I was going to
say I agree, I think that's ineven in this space, because this
, this show, has always um,lived in this like
self-development space andvulnerable moments, and that is
quoted by jay the gentleman fromdear black gay man.
Uh, but I agree that, like youknow, there's what is the use of
(23:48):
holding on to stuff like that?
Right, because you're alwaysgoing to have this what if
mentality, if you don't share it.
We had um will, what is will'slast name?
Uh, will will more.
William sinclair more on theshow, uh, this season, and he
said something in his episodethat is still like like living
(24:10):
with me, where he was sayingthat there are so many moments
in life where if, if someonesays no or like dismisses you or
or discredits your feelings, somuch stuff in you can die in
that moment and those doors canclose, versus when you get a yes
and when you are receptive tosomeone, so many things can be
(24:33):
birthed in that exchange withyour friend.
Again, just speaking from myown lived experience, those are
the moments that are worthtaking the risk, right, because
you don't know what's going tohappen.
Your whole thought process ispurely perception of the
situation from your side and notnecessarily the other person's
(24:55):
Right.
It could have been that theperson was like oh yeah, I was
just waiting on you to you knowexactly because, um, I even
think about how the the currentrelationship that I'm in.
We've been together since 2007and had I not taken the leap and
actually spoke to this person,we would not be together,
(25:17):
because he was very much like Iwasn't gonna say anything
because I thought you werestraight, uh, and I was very
much like no, like I was staringat you and wanting you know
some sort of acknowledgement ofthat to like have an okay to say
something to you.
Um, so, yeah, it's, it'sbeautiful in the sense that so
many of our life's moments andlike very teachable moments, I
(25:40):
think, exist in that space oflike just just do it, just take
the risk you know, absolutely.
Lonnie (25:47):
Yeah, you got me thinking about a couple of
things.
One is you know the old time,you know you miss all the shots
you don't take.
I think that is that appliesacross the board.
Or like as my mom used to say,like what are you going to lose?
Like the worst thing in thisscenario that could happen is
like the person could say no orwhatever that means.
But absolutely I think youshould and I think what I've
(26:10):
learned about that process, butalso just even like going up to
guys and um, you know, takingthe first um, like you said,
like taking the first step to tointroduce myself and to start
the conversation, is that I hadto dig deep and I'm not
generalizing audience because Iknow I don't want anybody to
come for me, but you can if youwant.
When we think about why wedon't do things that we want to
(26:33):
do, you got to really lookinward and say why am I not
doing it?
And for me, I'm only speakingfor me.
Really look inward and say whyam I not doing it?
And for me, I'm only speakingfor me.
For me, it was a lack of a senseof self in terms of my
confidence, like cause, cause.
My thought was like well, whatwould you want someone to do?
Oh, I want someone to beconfident and come up to me and
say what they, what's on theirmind, and introduce themselves.
And I would want, cause I'mreally attracted to confidence.
(26:55):
And then I started taking aninventory of the things I like
in other men, whether they becelebrities I think about Lenny
Kravitz and I love that likeandrogyny and that like
confidence to be a little bitdifferent or whatever, as a man.
And I'm like you likeconfidence, you like educated
men, you like people that have astrong sense of style and self.
And I'm like, and I askedmyself do you think you have all
(27:16):
those things?
This is like a conversation Ihad with myself and I said yes,
so I'm like so why do you thinkthat someone else is worthy of
feeling like?
They can come up to you withall of that that you say you
have.
So then I just shifted my mind.
I'm like no, you have to stop.
Like, you really need to startdoing this.
So I think to your point youdon't lose anything by being
(27:39):
honest and being yourself, andif that includes telling a
friend that you're, it's notlike I was in love with this
person.
But I'm like, hey, there's aromantic interest there.
They were in a relationshipwhen we first met and so it was.
Actually it was even moreserendipitous because I was like
, wow, they just broke up andlike here's my chance.
Because in my mind I'm likethis person is going to be with
this person.
So of course, that will neverhappen and I'll just keep it
inside.
(27:59):
And it wasn't like this burningthing where I'm like, oh my God
, like I can't wait.
I just want to have sex withyou every time I see you.
But I did.
I felt like when thatrelationship ended with I'm just
like, wow, this seems like theuniverse is opening this up, at
least for me to say somethingyou know.
So I agree with you.
It builds your character, not ina toxic way, but in a way where
(28:20):
, when I think about rejectionwhich is what I think a lot of
rejection because, um, thatreject to me, that doesn't, it's
(28:47):
not even a rejection.
It's just like you know,someone doesn't want what you
want.
That's not necessarilyrejection.
It's just like I had a desirethat I would have loved to work
a specific way, or at least tofind out.
But when we think aboutbreakups and we think about
people not being interested inus, that cheating on us and all
that other stuff.
I'm an Aquarius and this may bewhy I think like this.
But they say we can be a littleself-centered.
(29:09):
But to me, none of that hasanything to do with me.
It has nothing that if someonecheating on me has nothing to do
with me.
But I know, a lot of times weinternalize rejection.
When it comes to relationships,we internalize oh, I shot my
shot and this is why I don't dothis.
You did it one time.
The person wasn't into it,there is someone else that would
love it.
And I will say that once Istarted, after I took that
(29:31):
inventory and I basicallystarted, like when I went out
not all the time, but I would bemore confident and like if I
saw something, see something,say something, like in New York,
I was like talking to boys,like men, like, hey guys, I'm
interested, you know, and what Ilearned is that I got more
acceptance than I got rejection.
I really did, and I'm notsaying that to, but I think
(29:53):
that's what happens is that wedon't practice things enough to
have enough data to say well,actually, out of the 25 people I
talked to not that I can track,one of them wasn't interested,
but 24 of them was it kind ofbuilt your confidence, so that's
been helpful for me.
I love that.
TJ (30:10):
There's also this space, I think and I'm curious to know
your thoughts because you've nowdone both coasts, and I'm
curious to know your thoughtsbecause you've now done both
coasts but I feel like in NewYork specifically, there's a
different type of energy.
Here, where people are,although from the outside it
looks like people are closed off, people are actually pretty
(30:32):
receptive in New York.
Like, if you approach someoneand like speak to them like a
normal person, not trying tosell them anything, because I
feel like that is the thing inNew York is that you can walk
down the street and someone'strying to sell you something,
you're like no, I don't havemoney, I don't have time.
But if you genuinely want tohave a connection with people,
people are pretty receptive.
Like the amount of times thatI've connected with someone on
the train or in a store or likeat a coffee shop that I did not
(30:56):
know, that I just so happened tosee, maybe like twice, and
commented on that and formedsome type of relationship from
that moment, even if it's a Iuse this as an example like
there's a coffee shop near myhouse that I go to every day.
It got to the point where thebaristas actually know my name
now, know my order and actuallygenuinely care about, like how
(31:18):
your day is going Right, whereasif I had not engaged with them
or had a moment with them first,or even allowed them to allow
them in right to want to have aconversation with me, it could
have been very closed off, itcould have been very sterile.
So I feel like those moments inNew York do exist.
(31:40):
I'm curious to know if thoseexist for you in LA.
Lonnie (31:43):
Yeah, no, I think you're absolutely right.
I definitely see a differencebetween the East Coast and the
West Coast as it pertains tothose types of things.
I would say the difference isless about people wanting to be
talked to and more aboutauthenticity.
I feel like and I think this isvery common and very
stereotypical, but I have theexperience to say on the East
Coast things are a bit more rawand real.
(32:04):
So if someone likes you,whether you introduce yourself
to them or not, it's probablytrue they like you, like, let's
go.
If I'm hollering, I really wantto holler If I, if I'm talking
to you on the dating app, Ireally want to talk to you.
Here in on the West coast, or atleast in Southern, in Los
Angeles, I'd say there is a bitmore of a sense of a veneer over
(32:28):
everything sometimes.
So someone might be showinginterest but they might not be
interested, which is it's veryhard for East coasters to deal
with because we're so used tobeing direct and like yo, you
wasted my time.
So here's, someone will meetyou in the coffee shop and say,
oh, my goodness, I love yourshirt, let's hang out.
Let's hang out.
You seem like a really coolperson and actually not mean it
(32:49):
at all and, you know, flake anddo all these things.
So that can be a bitdisappointing.
But, yeah, absolutely, I thinksomething you said earlier I
think is super important too.
More people than not, I believe, want to be talked to, and
we're all at parties, like whenI hear people including myself,
I've done it too you go to aparty and you're like that party
was whack because everyone wasin their group talking, you know
(33:12):
.
So that gives me the clue thatwe all want to be talked to, but
we all, like, want someone elseto do it.
And I don't know if it wasgandhi or somebody who said,
like you have to be the changeyou want to see in the world I'm
misquoting, I think, the person, but I think it's really true.
We have to start acting andcoming up to people and talking
and stuff like that, I thinkmore not being afraid of the
(33:33):
rejection, but it can be hard incities like this where there is
some disingenuous interactions.
And the other thing you saidreminded me of, you know, this
idea of you know, when you arethinking about connecting,
thinking about what your valuesare Like, what are my values
that pertain to relationships,friends.
(33:53):
You know we often say that it'shard to make friends as adults,
which I agree with.
But I think if you find, if youtake an inventory of your
values, sometimes it's easier tokind of connect with people
across those values and that cankind of take some of the
pressure off of meeting thembecause you have something in
common that you really like.
(34:14):
Like, whether it's art orsocial, social justice or, you
know, whatever the topic may be,finding people in those spaces
I found have been easier toconnect with because, um,
because it's just like you havesomething in common.
It's funny, and I'll say onemore story.
This is funny.
I'm kind of having flashbacksof my New York.
Speaking of New York, I neversaid this publicly before, but I
(34:36):
have a really fun story aboutmeeting someone, a stranger, and
this is this.
Sounds like it's from a moviebut, it's.
I promise it's true.
I once saw this guy on thetrain in the Bronx I used to
live in the Bronx before I movedhere and he was really
attractive he was.
I found out later he was amodel and something.
(34:56):
I've always had this likefantasy of airdropping a
stranger and I've never done itand I don't know what in my mind
this morning.
That morning allowed me to saytry to airdrop and see, cause it
was a very empty train.
It was the morning I was on myway to a doctor's appointment.
So, you know it was early andyou know it wasn't that many
people and it was uptown, it waslike the red line, so it wasn't
(35:19):
like super crowded, it wasn'tlike the A or the C E, it was
like the three or four, it wassomething that wasn't super busy
.
So it was just him and I'm likechances are he has a black name
.
You know what I mean.
So if I open up my airdrop, ifI see Jabarius or something, I'm
like that's him.
And I actually forgot that Idid this.
This was so bold of me.
I wrote a note in my phone andI screenshot like hey, how are
(35:46):
you?
And I airdropped it to him andI said good morning.
And we had a whole conversationback and forth by like
airdropping these photos ofnotes and I couldn't believe it.
And then at the end that weexchanged phone numbers and it
fizzled out and nothing happened.
But I was like you really justdid that.
Like you know, it was somethingout of like a romantic comedy,
(36:08):
but I really did it and itworked.
And to to to my point, to yourpoint, it works more than it
doesn't?
You just have to try, you know.
TJ (36:17):
So, yeah, I did that jesus, that that I, I, I love that,
that is.
That's such a new york story,you know such a new york story.
Lonnie (36:29):
So I think to your point actually I take that back.
I think, yeah, new York is moresusceptible to stuff like that.
TJ (36:34):
Like I don't know if I could do that here.
Lonnie (36:36):
I don't know if that will work.
TJ (36:39):
I feel like there's not a lot of.
I mean, I've only visited andnot lived there, but I would
imagine there's not a lot ofopportunity there for those
types of moments.
Lonnie (36:47):
Right, it's not.
Yeah, because there's not asmuch public transportation,
there's not as much walkability,walkable experiences every year
, driving to everything.
So here communities write hardbecause you're not often forced
to be with strangers.
You know, I was on my way to adoctor's appointment that
morning and saw that guy on thetrain.
That doesn't really happen herebecause I'm driving and stuff
(37:08):
like that.
But also just yeah, I thinkthere's just this fearlessness
about the East Coast that Ireally like.
It's just just like it is whatit is, which I mean can get you
in trouble.
Sometimes there is this justlike boldness, and I don't know
it was the pandemic too.
So I feel like the pandemic.
(37:29):
My brain was just like there'sso much going on in the world,
why not?
Like I could die from COVID?
So like, what is me likesending a note to this guy on
the train?
That's yeah.
TJ (37:39):
I am thinking about that story, like I'm baffled by that
because that's such a New Yorkmoment and something that like
if I saw that in a movie I'd belike that's so sweet, like I
(38:00):
would want somebody to do thatto me or, you know, want to do
that with me.
Yeah.
Lonnie (38:05):
It would have been a good story if we like got
married or something Likeimagine that being the story at
the wedding.
TJ (38:09):
Yes, good story if we like got married or something like.
Lonnie (38:11):
Imagine that being the story at the wedding.
Yes, like that would have beentoo bad.
TJ (38:12):
That didn't work out, but that would have been a really
cool origin story of arelationship yeah, it's
interesting because I'm like nowthat has me thinking so what in
in your I would say romanticrelationships?
Because that's I feel like this.
We're leaning um and you saidsomething that I feel like this
(38:34):
question makes sense.
Now, where does self-love fallwhen it comes to forging
relationships with people?
Because I do believe there is,like you said earlier, like
there are certain things thatpeople have to check off the
list for you to, like you know,approach them, slash, want to be
approached by them, and I feellike self-love is a pivotal
(38:58):
space in there.
Where does that fall and likewhat does it look like for you?
Lonnie (39:02):
It's a really good question.
It's super important.
In some ways, I think theanswer to that question, and
even the concept of that, is thereason why me and maybe some
other people are single.
Right, I think, when you aresingle and doing the work, the
self-work, your value goes up.
(39:23):
And I'm not talking about somehigh value red pill stuff, but
your, your, your, yourperspective of yourself goes up
because you've done the work andyou're like, wow, in order to
do the work, you have to loveyourself, and so, um, it
definitely is super important tome, um, especially because I am
someone who really valuesspeaking of values, um, having
(39:46):
my own mind, my own perspective,my own personality, my own life
.
So self-love is super importantin relationships Romantic, I'll
stick to is because when youseek a partner, trying to find
validation or completion, Ithink that's when it can be
(40:06):
really dangerous because, evenif that's a good relationship,
you're expecting someone else tofill in the blanks that you're
missing.
And I'm not talking aboutsomeone being complimentary,
because I know there's thisargument.
When people say things like I'msaying that, like, oh no, there
is a way that, like a person isgood at something that you're
not, yeah, that's different thanwhat I'm saying.
I'm talking about likeself-value.
If I'm with you and I don't,really it's just like the thing
(40:33):
I talked about approachingpeople.
The thing I had to get throughwas that you don't think that
you deserve even to try to talkto this attractive guy Like how
and that sounded crazy to mewhen I, when I really sat back
like oh wow, you don't thinkthat you deserve a chance.
So the same with relationships.
If your self love is not incheck, I think you can get into
spaces where you are seeking outexternal validation from this
(40:58):
partner or from this lover thatyou don't actually feel for
yourself.
So then they're not validatingsomething that you already
believe they're actually the ofthis, this so-called truth about
yourself, and I think that canbe really dangerous.
So for me, I think, when I gointo relationships and the way I
think about it is, yeah,self-care is important.
(41:20):
I think solo dates areimportant.
I think spending time withyourself, your friends, still
having practices that arehealthy practices outside of
that person, that feeds intoLonnie.
Like what does Lonnie like todo?
Like, I'm an avid thrifter.
I like to go hiking, I like todrink wine, I like to, like you
know, connect with my friends.
I got to make sure that Imaintain that my looks and my
(41:43):
style and stuff for me first,even in a relationship, because
if not, I think it's easy forthat validation to be dependent
on the lover.
TJ (41:53):
I completely agree.
I think that's, um, that issomething that, being on the
other side of 30, I realized formyself and I think, although
I'm grateful for therelationship that I'm in, it was
one of the um, the nuancesabout our relationship that I
didn't realize until it wasuntil I was older that I spent
(42:14):
so much of 18 to 25 with thisone person and kind of like
hinged at the hip, so to speak,to where I had kind of lost I
don't want to say lost because Idon't mean it in that way, but
I was still figuring out who Iactually was, right and being
(42:39):
able to navigate all that.
And now, being 35, you know, Inow I know the things that I
like, I know the things that Idon't like, right.
I know when I need time tomyself.
Don't talk to me, I need timeto myself.
I need to go for a walk, I needto have a cup of tea, I need to
go to a museum, I just need togo to the movies by myself, and
I think there's a lot of thattype of thought that gets missed
when you've been in arelationship very young and for
(43:03):
such an extended amount of timeprior to knowing who you
actually are, and so I hope thatthat's such a beautiful point
and statement.
I loved every moment of that.
I am curious to know from youbecause you did mention this
earlier are there in this ideaof like self-love prior to
(43:29):
entering into any type ofrelationship with someone else,
not just romantic?
What are some of those youmentioned affirmations before
like?
What are some of thoseaffirmations that you do have to
kind of just help you feed thatself?
Lonnie (43:45):
Absolutely Something I didn't mention.
When you asked me why I movedto LA, I think part of the
healing journey that I was on isthat I had always gone to
therapy, but during that time Ireally had locked in with a
therapist and I remember on ourfirst call which was actually
kind of shocking because I feltlike I hadn't had a therapist
say something so direct to mebefore After our consultation
(44:08):
and maybe the second or thefirst one, she told me that we
would be working on my view ofmyself and my self-worth.
TJ (44:14):
And I was so offended.
Lonnie (44:15):
I was like I'm so confident.
What are you talking about?
I'm a super confident person.
And she said you are confident.
But basically she was tellingme that you know, let's dig
deeper into the source of myconfidence.
And at the time the source ofmy confidence wasn't self-worth.
And I was like you know, let'sdig deeper into the source of my
confidence, and at the time thesource of my confidence wasn't
self-worth.
Then I was like oh gosh, Ididn't know that the source of
(44:37):
my confidence was production.
What could I produce?
So I've always been a highachiever, which, again, I also
did some studies about blackqueer people and overachieving.
That's how we like move, that'show we show up, and I was like
whoa, I actually haven't had ahigh value of self.
I've just been really praisedand excited about the things
(44:58):
I've been able to accomplish.
So, anyway that that's somethingthat came up in my therapy.
That leads to the answer aboutthe affirmations, which is that
you are enough at base levelwithout doing anything for
anyone else.
Lonnie deserves love becauseit's his birthright, not because
(45:22):
he has education or he he'screative or he's cool, he can
make you laugh.
That has been a game changerfor me, and it's still hard
sometimes to receive love frommy friends and even sometimes
romantic partners, because I'mso used to this default of my
(45:43):
love being conditional tosomething I could do for the
person subconsciously, or do forthe situation or me fixing
something or saving something.
Or even when I think about myfamily even though I had a
pretty decent, I feel like I hada great upbringing.
(46:03):
But when you are the prize Iwas the prize student, the prize
family, even my cousin when Igo back home, you know,
sometimes he's like yo, youbroke the family curse, you know
, and I think it's such agenuine thing to say.
But that comes with an immenseamount of pressure.
But it also comes with thisidea that I can perform my way
(46:26):
out of my emotions and that myvalue is really about me like
achieving, and not about mebeing me.
So that's one of theaffirmations, and I think one of
them is less of a.
The other thing I'll say beforeI stop is it's not so much
affirmation, but I think I'velearned that one thing that I
value in relationships, or Ivalue in myself, is I like being
(46:51):
around people who also valuepeople being themselves.
So transparency, authenticity,is a value of mine and I've been
in relationships before where Ididn't know that this was a
thing.
But there are people who do notvalue authenticity.
Some people, I'll say in myexperience is what I've learned?
(47:12):
It's like oh, some peopleactually value being chosen more
than authenticity, becausebeing chosen doesn't have to be
authentic.
So if I say this is my favoritecup, I don't have to mean that
to make this cup feel like it'smy favorite.
So some people I've learned andI'm not judging that, I'm just
(47:34):
saying it's not a high value ofmine to be chosen.
Some people value being chosen.
Some people value being marriedmore than authenticity.
So they'd be in a relationshipthat is not authentically happy
but because they're married andI had to learn that I'm like oh,
everyone doesn't valueauthenticity.
So for me, I want to be aroundpeople who are themselves.
(47:58):
So my goal to your point is totry to be myself as much as
possible around people and tovet out people who don't value
that, because that type ofrelationship won't serve me at
all.
TJ (48:12):
I wish I could see my face right now, because I'm agreeing
with everything money is sayingright now.
I want to, just I want to.
I want to pin this because youjust spoke to the depths of my
soul Confidence is not equal toyour self-worth.
Confidence is not equal to yourself-worth and your self-worth
(48:35):
is not hinged on anyone else.
Again, your self-worth is nothinged on anyone else, it's not
conditional.
So I just needed to say that,because those two things just
just tapping right here.
So, friends, if you were lovingthis episode as much as I am
right now, this is beyond what Icould have asked for in an
(48:57):
episode about relationships.
We're going to end this righthere and then come back and join
us for part two, which will bein the following week.
Thanks so much for listening.
This has been the Tea with TJand I'll see you in part two
next week.
And so much for listening.
This has been Tea with TJ andI'll see you in part two next
week and that's our show.
Friends, thanks for joining uson Tea with TJ.
(49:19):
Please rate, review andsubscribe, and you can find us
on Instagram at Tea with TJpodcast.
And, as always, stay kind, keepsipping and remember we're here
, so we might as well do it.
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