Red Flags in Relationships: How to Spot Them & Avoid Heartbreak

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Skido Ortiz (00:22):
Welcome to Ten Steps Ahead. We are back. Boy,
what the the boy, what's up, D?

DeShawn Snow (00:28):
What's up, Skeeto? What's up, man? We have a great
episode.

I know. Can't. I'm so excited.

I think I wanna talk to you about accountability
and relationships, red flags,compromising, all of that stuff.
Yeah. We gonna get through allthat, man. I'm sorry. I'm still
jet lagged.
You know what

I'm saying? We got me my brain's spinning. But at
the end of the day, we I justwanted I was going I was when I
was in Cali, a lot I have a lotof people sit down. We talking.
Right?
And then he was just talkingabout red flags, not seeing
them.

You know

I'm saying? And the women it was a bunch of group of
women. I was like, oh, I'm a askthe show on this. And they said,
we just can't see it. You know?
We just we think we

see chill's about to see.

How do you feel when people don't see the red
flags? They annoy them? I don'tknow what it is. What is it? I
know you probably had a coupleepisodes.
Tell me what you see. I want awoman's perspective.

Well, I definitely, in the I mean,
probably still now, you know,ignored my fair share of red
flags. I think when people saythey don't see them, they choose
to not see them. They're sofocused on what they want that
if the red flag is interruptingthe narrative that they have
created, then they don't give itcredence. At least that's what I

(01:36):
did or do sometimes. Not as muchnow, though.

Well, listen. Let's repeat that. I don't you'd

be taking me less. I'm sorry.

I was gifted. I said, listen. When the let's
keep it the I know you had acouple of red flags. Let's keep
it really real. Like, what'ssomething that happened that you
was like, yo, you know what?
I didn't see this. You know,let's try to tell me the worst
episode of a red flag you everhad.

That I ignored

or Yes. Yes.

I know, it's been a lot.

Karesia Davis (02:06):
But let's see.

I was dating this one guy in Dallas, because the
kids were living in Dallas, Iwas always back and forth in
Dallas. And then I was alreadygoing to Dallas to go to the
games, all three different gamesand all of that, and to see my
kids. But when I was paying forall the trips, that was a red
flag

to me. So

Because what? I mean, I was paying for the trip
so I was going to see my kid,but then But if I'm spending
this time with you, I think thatwas it wasn't ready because
-Okay. I wasn't paying for ameal. So, like, I'm very adamant
on what I won't do, but when Ilook on it, I was doing all
that. And I should not have ifI'm dating this guy, which we
were in a relationship, and hewas seeing me when I was there.

Absolutely.

So on the other side of it, I can say, you know,
that was a red flag. Give meanother because he ultimately
ended up being a red flag.

So that's one. Give me another one.

He was always so busy talking about he working on
all this stuff, but you cannever see it. So what

you mean? Not giving you time?

No. Like,

It's always work related. Okay. So I'll be honest
with you. So those two red flagsare gonna be from the man's
perspective, if a man wanna bewith you, gonna be with

He's with you.

If he's gonna fly you, he's gonna fly you in. If
he's gonna take care of you,he's gonna take care of you. So
when you don't get all thoseattentions, leave it alone.

-Right. -If you gotta pay

your own ticket to go see a man, it's already a
mess for -Well,

I was going to see my kids, so that's why that's
how I justified, or that's

-You justified.

-Not justified, but that's what I was doing. But
in hindsight, no, I would neverI I didn't need to be dating
him. I could just wait

and see my dad. That was one. Another red flag.
Because you out there. You'rethe single.
You know, not out there whaty'all think. He's out there
testing the waters. Yeah. Okay.

The waters are very murky.

-It's murky?

-I mean, it's not

give me another one. Keep for thinking

I know. Another red flag, I guess, is Oh, when
we were talking about, like,when people when guys check out.
Like, when if a guy is notreally giving you all the
attention or is nonchalant ordoesn't care or is allowing a
lot of things without pushback,then usually it speaks for a

(04:14):
reason. So that's a red flag ifyou don't

I'm sorry.

That's a red flag if you don't I'm sorry, that was
my daddy.

Your dad is

calling No, it's this appointment. Doctor's
appointment. We must be rightup. So, so I think that's a red
flag.

-All right. -That you overlooked. I just When they
were talking about it so much, Isaid, I gotta I wanna just

Well, let me just I'm not really out there out
there like that now. So, thepast, it was a lot of rape. I
had a crazy guy Well, he wasn'tcrazy crazy, but he was crazy.
You know, and he

That's being out there.

Yeah, that was years ago.

Yeah. Okay. Well, what was crazy? You know, we
need to

learn He was blocking the numbers in my phone
of any guy. So business,personal and He was

doing what?

He blocked their numbers. So people trying to
call me, do business andwhatever, and it wasn't getting
So

you had a nut blocking your number, and you
talking about crazy

But I didn't know. But it was other stuff that he
was doing, red flags, that Ishould have picked up on to let
me know that he was that crazyperson.

Wow. Wow. So, okay, -But back then -Detail. I wanna
know so the women

understand what they -Like when kids were home?
Because remember I told you theboys lived in Dallas, so they
would come back for So when Ihad the kids So sometimes I
didn't have the kids at all, sohe had all my time. But when the
kids was there, my kids were mypriority. Then he acted like a
baby.

Okay. Well, all right. That's cool.

I don't have, like,

no juicy So basically, was just doing some
crazy shit. Blocked

He was immature. He was younger too, but
insecure. I don't mind a youngerguy.

Wait. How young?

I can go 10 up, 10 down. Hell, I might go 15 up, 15
up.

Why are you giving the number? What's your what's
your range?

Oh, I'm 51. So forties, 30 five.

You went to 35, 50 1. Okay. That's close to the
twenties.

But how much fun you gonna have? I wanna be
married, but I also wanna havefun. If they're a fun person.

Okay. But as far as level of maturity and think
differently.

If it's a type of guy. You know what I'm saying?
If he gotta be established andexperienced and stuff like that.
But he could be younger.

So five is the minimum.

37 I mean, you know, I'm a young 50.

Yeah. You don't don't look

that And have You know?

And I ain't even trying to sell it. Everybody can
tell in the camera that youdon't look your age. And
actually, I've been seeing

50 old And I want see something in my life.

There's some horrible I don't know if y'all
what genetics going on here. AndI'd be like And then they'd be
like, Yo, Ski. I'm like, Yo, youwhat? And I don't know how to
catch myself because they reallylook old. And I was like

life probably

looks like Life would tear you down.

I mean, I had You know, I never looked like what I
went through. Okay. I mean, myfirst lady told me that. She was
like, Put your lipstick on, washyour face. Don't ever go out

looking like what's going And he was genetic. She's
crazy anyway.

My genetics Kay in

the last episode. She was just that she was y'all
genetics are crazy with

pretty good things.

Don't know what's going on.

You know

what I'm saying? But nah, that's what's up.
Because I

I just wanted you know you know, my thing is being
a man, I wanna get the otherside. And me having a daughter,
she we sit down and talk.Because now I'm starting to
listen.

Mhmm.

You understand? From the woman's point of view.
And the realest thing I canlisten to is the one that adores
me the most Right. Is my kid.Right?
So my daughter, I take because Iknow she loves her dad. And that
when she says dad, she's seeingme, and she's seeing the change,
and she's seeing both. And she'slike, dad, I've seen you at your
the most angry, scary. I seenthat not towards her. She just

(07:49):
see went into actions ofdiscipline, but me being calmer
and listening more.
Not that I'm the greatestfather, but I always try to be
in my kid's life. And somethings just don't work out with
the Right. Baby mamas and, youknow, stuff like that. But I
always wanted family. And Itried to be the best.
And I sacrificed a lot to not goother places because I wanted to

(08:11):
be around them, even though wewasn't getting along with that.

So how do you pull I'm sorry. The, Another thing
too with the red flags, I think,like, now, when you're so
confident in who you are andyour value, like, you have
inherent value, but sometimeslife, you know, you forget about
that. And so then you settle andyou overlook red flags and all
that, things you wouldn't do.You would do things that you
wouldn't do if you knew who youwere. So as a father to a young

(08:37):
adult woman, how do you pourinto her so that she knows that
she's a queen already?
What

I tell Well, what I do is my actions.

-Okay.

-So how I treat my daughter is already She knows
how to be treated. -Yes.

-And she won't even move

from a door unless you open it. Her boyfriend will
tell you that.

-Mm

-Like, and then he even buckles her seat. Cute. So
I was like, well, I didn't Ididn't know about all that.

I just went for

the door. When he crossed that, for a minute, I
was thought he was doing toomuch. Quick story. Because she
goes to church, you know, she'sreally trying to wait for the he
went over and crossed the beltover her. My mind is, nigga, are
you trying to touch my daughter?
I went around. I said I said,dude, you got my he said he
looked up. He said, sorry. I'mjust trying to make sure she's

(09:21):
secure. Aw.
I said but I was about to smackthe shit out of him because I
don't play that touch rub, mybreasts. And I didn't understand
it, but the young man stoodthere like, am I okay?

And I'm like, you okay?

Because that was something that you buckled my
daughter's seat belt to makesure she good. I didn't even
recognize that. The door wasenough for me.

Right.

But it's the extra shit. And I catch it, too,
getting emotional becausebecause we're not gonna always
be here for them. Mhmm. And thenif we don't teach them, I think
we get as parents, I don't knowwhat the hell is going on with
me. But I guess because of thethe love for my children.

Yes. And then we know we're trying

to get them ready, and then we know we're not gonna
be there. And then we just wedon't we get scared. We get
nervous. And then we just thenwe don't know the decisions
they're gonna go. We're like,we're not trying to tell you
what to do.
We just want you to -Thebelieving

in -We've been

through all of that, and we don't want you to
hit those walls we hit.

So

And that note that was just on that note.

Can your daughter come to you with anything? Do
you guys have an openrelationship?

Well, at the beginning, I wasn't with that.

And they couldn't even tell me when they had

their period because I start friends they
it's a joke in my family. Like,my sisters tell, tell your dad,
you got your period.

And when they come

in there, I was like, I start, you know, because
I'm just that dad. I'm like thebad but sensitive. You know what
I'm

saying? Mhmm.

And but it's when they said coming to me was, I
don't wanna hear about men. Idon't wanna not that they doing
something. They they I'm theonly man they trust. So I it it
just

And they want a man's point of view?

It took a minute. Not I'm I'm really old school.
I'm not gonna lie to you. I waslike, yo, I'm not trying to hear
that, you know, even when theybring them to me like my
daughter did, and he sat at thetable. And this is a true story.
And he said, oh, sir, I wannatake your daughter. I said and
I'm sitting there, and they allthe mom is dead. I'm like, yo,

(11:08):
I'm really different. So I Itold them, I said, let me
explain something to you. I'mgonna share this with you.
It's a true story. I said, Idon't care how much she loves
you. I don't care I love her.Don't care whatever move she get
in, I'm gonna blame you. If youtake advantage of my daughter,
what you think you're using downthere, I'm a twist it off.

(11:30):
I'm a pound you out. I'm reallylike that. I don't play.
Everybody know I don't play. I'mgonna hurt you because what you
did is sat at my table andlooked me in the face and told
me I wanna date your daughter.
You did all the proper shit, butyou still a man, a young man
with a penis that you thinkdifferent. Don't think different

(11:50):
with mines because I will hurtyou. You will never use that
again. True story. They I bringthem on the set.
We could do this, bro. They'llcome up here and tell you. He
still looked me in my eye andstill was there with her. And
they doing the right thing,going to church doing that. And
I'm not saying it's a churchthing.
But she said, I'm saving myselfthat because I've watched my

(12:10):
other brothers and sisters, andI've and I've but I love you.
And I've seen you change it. Ibroke. And I was like, what? And
she's like, and I'm not I'velearned.
You learn from your brother.Sometimes you learn what not to
do. And that made me say, youknow, I started doing certain
things. And when she told methat, and she looked at me, then
she hugged me. Because I wasn'tI guess when Affectionate?

(12:32):
The affection thing was I onlyreceived that from my children.

But from people when people talk, I

don't be really hearing that because it don't be
sincere with me. I just had thistrust issue because I know
what's real and what's not. I'mnot saying that people I know
people love me to death, I knowwhen my children is real.
-Right. -So, you know, and thatpart is good.
And when your kids talk to youabout, I don't know how your
sons feel.

I have different relationships, but my youngest
son, I mean, they say we're itdoesn't even seem like a mother
son relationship. It's not thetypical. But we talk about a
lot. Well, at least I talk abouta lot to him.

Give me a situation of how they come to you.

Like, what's the real thing? But my oldest son,
you know, he's adulting rightnow, and so he shares things
with me. You know, I like toknow what's going on in his
life, but he has his boundaries.He was like, I don't need any
advice or anything. I'm justtelling you what's going on.
So he has very strict boundarieswith me at times.

So he asked you, but he said I don't need any
advice?

Yeah, comes to me and he shares things with me,
but he's saying, like, I'm notsharing for you to give me
advice on it. I'm just tellingyou You know, sometimes you just
need to talk it all out.

I don't know. Don't know. Know.

That's not In my family, they know the way I
process things. I ask a lot ofquestions, and I have a lot of
opinions. And so, you know, hejust told me, We're not doing
all that. I'm just letting youknow what's going on.

We gotta rewind a little bit. So let's try to you
know, you know, you ain't doingthat with me. So when he says
this is from the boy. I'm theman. I I'm telling you my
problems, but I don't wanna hearyour opinions.

Well, he not saying it like that.

He's No. No. But you they know what I'm talking
about. Don't that's cool. Justlisten to me, but don't give me
opinion.
Now, why is that?

Because he just wanted to get it off. But for
me, what I do, that just I lovethat because I know how to pray
for him. I wanna know what'sgoing on. So I don't take
offense to think

that's a problem?

No, because he does take my advice, you know
what I'm saying? But justsometimes, just not unsolicited
about it. He Some situationsdon't call for it. You gotta
just listen, you just gotta bethere.

Okay, I got it. No, I'm saying I'm just trying to
really

-Yeah, yeah. -Fools through some things.
Sometimes, you know, he and heprocesses things differently
too. So sometimes it's just, youknow, listening, being that
listening ear. You know, if heasks for my advice, I give it to
him.
But more importantly for me,that just shows me what how I
need to cover him in prayer. SoI love our relationship. Our
relationship hasn't always beenlike that, but now that he's
grown, he's adulting.

Is he now listening to your Yeah,

he listens

to But before when he didn't approve it, now is it
more open Like, I know everybodychanges. Is it Now he's

wasn't that he wasn't listening to It was now
the conversation is.

-Okay.

-'Cause it's not like we were that close before.
So now, you know, he's sharingeverything with me.

And why wasn't you that close before?

It was just, you know, they lived in Dallas with
their dad and

Oh, it was during the divorce. That's what we
thought

Well, it was later on in life too. Was after the
divorce, but it's

Did it have anything to do with your
personality?

No. No.

I'm looking in the camera, y'all. I'm

like No. No. It was other it was other stuff at
first. It it wasn't because ofme.

How about the and this is not too one thing, this
is my sister here, y'all. Let'sbe clear. And we go back and we
talk, we trying to be better inlife, on the camera, off the
camera. But your perfectionistand all the things the way you
want it or all the things, diddid that trickle down to kids
not talking to you or peoplecoming to you? I mean, just now

that standing Well, maybe others, but not
kids, though. -No? -No. I mean,I don't That wasn't the reason.
That wouldn't be the reason, Iwould say.
It was other stuff.

-Okay.

-So it wasn't that. Now, I have different
relationships with each of thekids. Like, my middle son, you
know, I'm trying to get thatdeeper relationship. It's not as
deep as it is with the other twoin terms of, like, knowing
everything.

Okay.

All right. You know, then my youngest son, I
mean, he says I don't know much,but I know a lot.

Says what?

-He said I don't really know that much about him.

That's what and that right there, I'm asking
you. I mean, we we keeping itreal because I think there's a
lot of mothers and people goingthrough that. What it when he me
when he says that you don'treally know that much, what is
he what

is Because I basically, I I take it to mean
he's I know what he's tellingme, but there's stuff that he's
not telling me, I guess.

And then he says, okay. So how do you take it? You
just go whatever?

No. I try no. I don't go whatever.

No. I'm not saying

whatever. Yeah. No. I try to, like, to make it
more deeper with you know, andlearn things. But I mean, what
can I do?

This is I think this is a little sensitive here.

It is a little

sensitive. This is sister's, don't get a clue, and
they'll put her in the corner,nothing like that.

But what I can say, I'm very you know, my kids,
everybody know my kids mean theworld to me, and I'm very happy
with, you know, this stage, thisseason, with all of my children.
You know what I'm saying? I'm sograteful because it was a little
strange sometimes at times.

Okay.

So I'm really proud of each of them. They're
all thriving their own way.

I see. I met them, and they're good kids. I saw
that one playing football. Theother one, he's the photography
videographer. He was dope.
Had vision. His son came to myrestaurant at the time. He was
cool. And you know what? We'regonna do the best we could do to
be parents.
-Absolutely. -And so, like,don't put so much pressure on
yourself, parents. I mean, we'renot perfect. We come from a
different generation. Our valuesmight not be your values.

(17:40):
-Right. -You understand what youthink? You know

what saying? -No, for sure. For sure. Because we I
so, you know, this youngergeneration is different, so we
gotta learn to listen, and tonot look at it from our point of
view, -from how we were raised.

Absolutely.
But
there's still some basic stuff,

-MIKELLE:

And we're still learning. We're some sensitive
issues. But we're gonna be allright. Because on this show, 10
steps ahead, we helping eachother, we learning, we growing.
And that's what it's all about.

That's what it's all I'm

just in the building. She straightens me
out. I straighten her out, butit's all

in love. Absolutely. You what saying?

And you see some sensitives we won't we

can't talk about. But, but no, we're not We're
gonna do what You know,

we just gonna keep doing what we're doing. -Y'all
are

gonna bring baby sis in and ask her some
questions to go -Oh, I

throw her on the block with her. You know what
I'm saying? I feel like I shouldhave went to college with you. I
don't know. Let's go.
I'm looking for it. Kay, let'sgo. Where she at?

Up next.

All right. That's what's up. Ten Steps ahead. Yo,
we be out here talking, boy. Ilove this stuff.
What's going on, Kay?

What up, doe?

Oh, man. Oh, I forgot to ask. My apologies. I
know you had to take your whathappened with your son? He broke

his Oh, yeah. My son broke his ankle playing
basketball. What? He's afootball player, but he played
basketball in the gym at school.Mhmm.
He said he went up for arebound, came down on his ankle,
and it snapped.

Oh, you gotta be kidding You

know what? I I I like to keep it real a little
bit in this perspective on itbecause I know you are a single
mom. Correct?

I am.

And I I can never understand that.

You You know

what I'm saying? Women are different. Mhmm.
Really, how do you feel raisingbecause a woman to raise a boy,
even with a man and trying toand all of that, I don't know
what's going on. But how do youfeel being a single mom?
I mean, what's how that reallyfeels?

A part of me you know, it's like, damn, that's
not what I wanted. Right?

Yeah.

But then a a bigger part of me is always
proud of me. Right?

Mhmm.

So my son, I would say, is probably my well,
I have I have a 18 year old son,and I have eight year old
identical girl twins.

You knocked out twins?

I did.

You are strong.

Hello? You

better do

it. I

wouldn't have never known that

for I did.

You know? So my son is actually graduating in
May.

And then

he's going off to the Air Force. Mhmm. But I did
that. Right? I mean, God carriedus through that, but I did that.
No drugs, no drama, no norecords, no nothing. Just
football grades. Ain't nothinggoing on. Right? I wanted to do
that.
Shout out to my son.

Raise them boys. But

being a single mom, you know, it it's a lot
because you gotta be everythingin one. Right? Even with him
going to the Air Force when Iwas kicking in with the
recruiter because at first I wasreally against it.

Mhmm.

But then he's like, you know, as a mom, you
did a great job. Like, he's afine young man, but the father
in you has to release him. Youknow

what I mean? Mhmm.

So And that's the hard part.

It is. Right? Because when you gotta play both
roles for so long and this is mytruth. Anybody and everybody can
say what they want, take it howthey want. I stand on it.
I raised my son for eighteenyears. Okay?

That's what's up.

So it's like you get angry sometimes and then,
you know, it's a lot that yougotta put on the back burner,
you know? And then when youdidn't have, like, the biggest
support system where I got myfriends, like, oh, yeah, they
dropping the kids off at theymama house and stuff like that.
I ain't had it.

You know what mean?

So you was

you can't hear from.

I mean, with Toreen,

you're fine. Like, not, you know, I could
call my sister and be like, youknow, can you pick the girls up
or something like that? You knowwhat I mean? Like but my in
reality, though, when it camedown to it, when all three of
them sick in each differentrooms and I gotta make sure
everybody good, you gotta be thepreacher, the the the mother,
the the nurse, the doctor, thethe coach. Like, you it's, like,

(21:23):
all in one.
Like, even raising a man. Right?Like, I can't raise my son to be
a man, but I could teach him theaspects of being a man. Right?

Mhmm.

I feel like there is a lot of lessons that a
father should play when it comesto raising a man. And then when
you flip it on the girl's side,y'all don't understand some men
don't understand the role thatthey play in a girl's life
because when you around and notsix feet under or behind the
bars, like, you literally, tome, I think it raises damaged

(21:54):
girls, right? Because womendon't admit it, but they tend to
hold on or find something inanother man that they should let
go if they father was there.They try to fill a In so many
words, it's like hard to let afuck man go. You know what I'm
Like, it's they find becausethey try to adapt to it.

(22:14):
Even when they fucked up, theytry to adapt to because they
don't wanna it's like you don'twanna give up on somebody
because you felt like you gotthat void right there, you know?

So So basically what you're saying and this is
maybe correct me if I'm wrong.It's from the perspective. If
you just bring it you can't justbring anybody around trying to
fill the And everybody think aman is just being having a man
there. But actually, having thewrong man there can be very It

can be worse.

So even you single moms out there, I know you're
lonely. I know you have themcrying episodes. But it's like
it's a lot. And, you know, Godbless you. You know what I'm
saying?
But at the end of the day, beinglonely is one thing. Bringing
the wrong man in your house isanother. Is a totally different
one. That note, and that's aswitch because you see that, not

(23:03):
you was married.

Right.

And you had a man in that situation. But when
y'all got divorced, the man voidof it. And being the mother
people don't understand, youactually almost that was a life
changer, being single. It'salmost like being single again,
and you used to him playing theman part. How was it when that
man left and you had to adjustto that and deal with your kids

(23:26):
a certain way?

So, it was split the older two allowed to go to
move out of state with theirdad, so it was just the younger
one with me, but they would goback and forth. So, I didn't
have all three by myself.

-Okay.

-So, but I did have Jarren. And, you know,
definitely And he eventuallymoved with his father because I
think his father needed to be inhis life. It's challenging. I
didn't have the same challenges.And Eric was in Jaren's life,
but there were times that, youknow I know it felt different
for Jaren.

Sis, give yourself the credit. I don't
Yeah,

he was mean, yes, it was

My son can pick up the phone and say what up to
his daddy too, but at the end ofthe day, when Jaren was sick,
when he needed to go

somewhere, when he needed to Oh, yes, choice.

Yeah. You were there, whether it was one kid or
eight. You were a single mom,and you were there doing the
damn thing with Doctor.

Brown. In that part we're talking about. We know all
of that. You're trying What Howwould you feel in that

other Well, of course, I was, you know, I did
what I had to do, but I wasfeeling like I shouldn't be
having to do this by myselfbecause, you know, that wasn't
the situation I signed up But,you know, I guess that, you
know, with everything in life, Idon't really focus on like, oh,
it should be the other way. Ithink it, but then I still gotta
do what I gotta do. That doesn'tat the end of the day, the issue

(24:42):
needs to be addressed. Gottadone. It gotta be done.
So you ain't got time to doWhatever gotta

be done gotta be done.

Exactly. We just roll up our sleeves and do what
we have to do.

The only time you gonna see me fold is doing
laundry. Yo.

And let me tell y'all something. My sister, and
she's being you know, I got mycousins and sisters. They'd be
like they get sometimes they getpersonal, right, in being black,
beautiful women that y'all youknow what I'm saying? And then
you'll hear men go, well, Idon't mess with black women.
They do this, that.
They don't see the importance ofgreat. And it's not a race
thing. It's more like, how doyou feel about another black man

(25:16):
saying we only date white womenbecause black women are a
certain way? I mean, I know thathurts, but what do y'all think
about that? What okay.
What do you think about that for

Do they actually say it, though, or they just
write? Because so some

might say. I've heard that before because of the
quote, unquote attitude and theanger and this and that. Right?
But I feel like when you want awoman to be in a soft girl era,
as they say, then you gotta takeme out of survivor mode. So
maybe them attitudes wouldn'talways be there.
Right?

So basically, you're saying it ain't about the
color of race. It's and they saywe got more attitudes, black
women. I love my black women. Ilove my brother. I'm about both.
But, you know, I say, I gottagive shout out

to both of them.

Next but at the same time, you're saying is
being a strong black woman, theyget they is they don't
understand that if you wannastep into this life, take the
pressure off of me, and thenyou'll see a different woman.

Right.

Or they feel they wanna keep allowing you to still
be that boss and, you know, allthe strains of being it's like
they're there, but they're notthere.

Right. You can't lead and then expect me to tell
you the steps to lead. -Mm.-That's crazy. -Right?
That's crazy work.

That is crazy.

Yeah, that's I don't I don't subscribe to that.
Know what I'm saying? Basically,-She's saying,

I don't wait for nobody. Don't subscribe

to this, But So have you Did I know you're
dating a beautiful black queen.-Mm -So -But were you Did you go
through an era where you wouldonly date white women or

don't never dated white women in

my life. -Okay. Okay. Let me know. -But I think
they're beautiful.
-Yes.

-I like green, white, Chinese, black, all that.
I never dated, you know, back inmy day.

Couldn't bring them, Yeah.

No, but, you know, it's like this.

No face, no case, It

was the taste of everything. You taste a little
of everything, and then you knowwhat you like. Right. And I like
my Black women, and I love myPuerto Rican women. And then
because I'm half and half,that's just the preference of my
taste.
Yeah. And I adore them. Irespect them. You know I'm
saying? And my mom was 100%Puerto Rican and my father and
then my aunts are black.

(27:22):
And we all knew each other.Puerto Rican and blacks are all
in the hood. Mhmm. You know I'msaying? We all in the same
projects all that.
So I've seen all the cultures,but they taught me a lot of good
things. One, carry an oldperson's bag. Two, you know,
don't hold that door. And if youdidn't hold that door, you got
popped in

your That's right.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, you know, kids that walk through the door
keep walking.

Then get on the scene. And then

you don't wanna see it no matter what color. So I
love how I was disciplined likethat. The next neighbor could do
that and that. But that camefrom black and that came from
poor people.

That's right.

And I love how we are. I love the strength in
y'all. Because but a lot ofinsecure men, a lot of weak men
Mhmm. Start complaining aboutthat. And I'm I'm a say this.
It's not because I know goodwhite people, black people I'm
not saying that. But when blackpeople down their own people,
it's because there's somethingweak in them. There was
something that was you blamingcolor. You putting color like it

(28:17):
is. That's just my opinion.
Real. I said, no. A great personis a great person no matter how
what color they

are. Right.

But respect who you are or what you came from.
Understand? And that part, Idon't like when men do that.
That's why I was asking y'all.

Isn't that a small percentage? Because it's still
most the higher percentage ofblack men, they marry black
women, though. Right? -No. -It'sa larger percentage of -No.

Because of that negative. You understand? It it
kinda like they start paintingthis picture that a certain race
is better than a certain race.-A small -No. Just look what's
out there.
So when they start saying that,some people that are weak will
gravitate to that. -Right.-Instead of building men, you're
building -Bitches. -Bitches.Bitches.

(29:06):
Whatever. You know, whatever.You know, I don't wanna be
professional, but weak ass men.Like,

you Let's talk about it.

You know what I'm saying? Go ahead.

I just wanna know, like, so what do you think
makes and this is society'slabel. A man a whole ass nigga.
Right? And that is their label.

A nigga.

Whole ass nigga.

That is what

they call it. And so I do you think it's the
mother, how they were raised,maybe the ex girlfriend? You
want a ass nigga? Sure. Swear toGod, I Please tell me.

Tell me. Because I should not be single.

Oh, man. Okay.

So But it is a lot of ho ass niggas out here,
and I just don't know if it'strauma. I'm

Can you

say that? I don't know.

Define the ho ass nigga for the other one is break
it down to me, so I'm gonna giveyou the real answer.

Oh, just even what you just said about yeah, a
clown. A a clown. But what makesyou a ho ass niggas is when your
weakness and them insecuritiesstart to overshadow how things
are supposed to go in therelationship. Right? So, like,
it Could it be how you wereraised?
Because some You got some menwho see women, right, who do Who

(30:10):
grew up. Some mamas are singleMhmm. Did it by they self. You
got men that be like, you couldjust do it. Right?
Mhmm. You did it.

My mama did it.

Yeah.

Then you got those, like, the ones that I'm
raising. I saw my mama do it.I'm not about to let you do it.
Right? Mhmm.
So I just feel like there aretwo different types of men, but
whole ass niggas, this is like avariety of what they could be.
Because a real nigga could dofuck boy shit too. They fuck up.

Oh, yeah. I mean, everybody get it.

They do. Yes. Hello.

They do.

You you don't

know what you're

getting into.

It's a mixed bag.

It's a mixed bag.

It is. But

my opinion, this this is me. I'm listening. I I
everybody is different. I don'tyou can't that's why I tell my
girl, don't you ever compare meto nobody.

You can't.

You can't compare what who my mother who my
mother, how she raised me, andthe way I see people. Mhmm. So
but you don't know what you'regetting when you're in a
relationship. Mhmm. Right?
And now I got a daughter. Youknow what saying? I got
daughters, two daughters, youknow, my daughters, and it made
me grow up a little bit morebecause

Right.

How they look at me is how they're gonna look at
men.

Yeah.

Absolutely. I caught a phobia almost.

That's that damaged girl

part I

was talking about.

Yeah. So now it defines how dad acts with them.
That's why a lot of them needthem. But what I don't like, you
know, you got predators and thenyou got protectors. Mhmm.
So how they're raised, they'reeither gonna be a predator or
they're gonna be a Mhmm. They'renot gonna mind you being a boss.
They're not

gonna be like, I could I'm so off. Right?

And everybody knows me. I'm just you know? When I
say I'll say certain things tomy girl, and it takes a lot to
deal with me. Yo, you burning myears. You talking too much.

Right.

She'll start bust out laughing. You gotta have a
personality with me.

Correct.

But she know my heart is for family. Like, but
she lets me be me.

All day.

You understand? But I have no bad intentions. I'm
not putting her

down. Right. Right. I'm not doing that. But
you wanna keep it real?

She goes, Ski, I never If you define I don't give
a fuck next to it, it shouldsay, Ski, though.

Right?

I'm so glad God built me like that. Yes. Because
I could be just like the next. Idon't judge. I came through so
much pain and suffering that theway I see people, I don't care

(32:26):
is that you gotta bring them inBen into your house.
You don't know You better do aresume check. You gotta see You
gotta do certain things. Sothese Some of these people going
in the house are molesting yourkids. They're doing stuff, and
you're wondering what's goingon, and you so worried about
being lonely and being Thatyou're paying attention to sound
of if they got money?

Because my philosophy on that is if my kids
see you before they go to bed,then they should see you when
they wake up consistently.Therefore men don't come around.
It's not no, oh, I'm cookingdinner. You can come over for
dinner today. You know what Imean?
Like, it's not know, Oh, wegonna jump in the bed with him
because she in the bed withthem.

It's not It's just certain rules you gotta

have in your house.

But the thing is, you gotta see how a man treats
his own mama sometimes and howthat he won't allow you to do
certain things. Because a lot of

Some things can't be taught. It's either you have
it or you don't.

You can't go, I didn't have that in my life, so
I don't give a shit about it. Hehad it in their life. She had it
in their life. You gotta adjustto, I ain't have no family. You
have a But I got a family.

Right.

And they started tearing up, tearing stuff up.
What you think about that, D?When you have a family of
structure, and now that you'reout here being single, the men,
whoever's gonna come in yourlife gotta understand your kids
all Yeah.

So I never brought people, I mean, maybe a couple
people, but not really. Theydon't come around to meet the
kids or anything like that. ButI haven't been in anything
serious like that.

Are. But you see, leading up to -But I will. -It's
coming. But you're prepping withyour sister being next to you

I love you. Listen. System change is real. I
defense. Girl, Because

you like to protect. You don't You not even
just about to tell him some shityou're

No, Listen. Listen. They are They were
clowns. They were clowns. Theywere clowns.
So no longer today will Ientertain a clown. Because back
then, like, my desire -It'sabsolutely -Yes. I stopped
buying them. -Okay. Have adesire to be married, but the
difference is, back then, I wasdriven by that desire.
-Mm -It no longer drives me. Soyou can say all the words

(34:41):
pretend to do all the -and Iwill fall for it -because
failed. Was trying to be failed.-I love it. -It's like,

keep it up.

I will admit, there were a couple people that
I would A is Okay.

A few.

Is it a few? I haven't even dated that many
people, Karisha.

Ninja turtles. Okay. Anyway

You said Ninja turtles.

It's called Ninja Turtles. So listen, so, and, you
know, it goes with thecompromise and the settling,
because back then I just sodesired to, you know, be
married, to be You know, I wasso wanted to be chosen. But now,
like, I don't have the patience.Like, I'm no longer selling,
right? And then I don't haveLike, I can't deal with
mediocrity.
I don't have the patience forincompetence and stuff like

(35:26):
that. So I know I need to, like,soften up a little bit, I -A lot
of it. -I just want entertain a-Don't sell.

Because listen

-Yeah. -And it's not it's

nothing And another thing I hear a lot, and this is
for y'all beautiful black women.

Thank you.

Stop thinking, is there something wrong with me?
Because that's another thing menare playing this game. There's
nothing wrong with you.

I just told her.

Listen to me. I want y'all to hear this.

Didn't see nothing wrong me.

I No. But I'm

just saying that's the thing.

You gotta listen to what I'm saying. I'm saying this
from a man's perspective.There's nothing wrong with you.
It's just don't settle and becareful and stay on your
bullshit. But stop getting getthat out your mind, ladies.
Nothing's wrong with you. It'sthem. It's and timing too.
Everything is timing. Y'all rushinto stuff, and y'all get
desperate, and you get lonely,and then it's a mess.

(36:16):
If you came out of a mess,you're gonna go into another
mess and another mess.

I'm saying get sick and tired.

Get sick and I'm this. This is like we're having
this And I keep it real.

Turkey stops. You did not.

I did cold turkey. Goddamn it.

But cold turkey, don't know. I did a year. I did
a year cold turkey. Real talk. Idid a year of celibacy,

chilled out. I wasn't even talking about that.
I don't

think that you need to even focus on finding
anyone.

I don't think there's anything wrong. The
women is prize. They find us.

At the end of the day, like, if you focus on your
bag

-The woman the prize.

That's true. That's biblical.

-Yeah, we are.

-Yeah, so -There's that.

Here we are. -Okay. -So,

yeah. Man that findeth a wife

findeth a

good thing. I can't think of the verse
offhand.

No. I love it. No. Like it's all good. But you know
what a good part of arelationship?
When you find that person thatlets you be you. Right.

That's growth.

That's it.

Right? Because you can't find happiness, right?
Because happiness is alwaysgonna bring a disappointment,
but you can find someone to growwith. And that's gonna bring
happiness because it's alwaysgonna be accomplishment and
growth. Correct?

Absolutely.

So, yeah, you find somebody that you can grow
with, not necessarily just

And we're gonna get on each other's nerve. It's not
that nerve. It start takinglittle things into big
arguments.

Yeah.

When you go through relationships and you and you've
learned from all that,everything gotta almost gotta be
argued. It could be adisagreement at a low level.
Yeah. We ain't gotta turn up andlaugh about it later. Don't
carry it to bed.
Don't do all of that. Let yourman be a man and your woman be a
woman. But know that, like Isaid, the man leads, but he
gotta lead the right way.

The right way.

And that because that's what's going on is when
y'all leading the wrong way, thewomen jump in

front of you, then you're like, oh, not letting me
be the man because she's used tocoming from being

single mom, and then she's used to being the

man She's being out of survival mode.

Because just that, you bring her back into survival
mode. And that's what theattitude you give. It's not who
she is. You gotta look at herheart.

And it ain't even an attitude. It's really just a,
I ain't got time for that shitright

I love it. I love it.

And on that note, you see Kay bringing the real we
talking about super sync, herbeing a single mom, holding it
down. Son's going into the airforce.

Air force.

It it successful. They applauded her, and a lot of
mothers are getting applaudedhow they raise their kids. And I
salute all of y'all single momsthat raise them. And I salute
you and I salute you. And I loveit.
Y'all looking marvelous with

the beautiful white teeth. Again, I gotta go
to the dentist. But anyway,

on that note, we're getting 10 steps ahead, man. We
loving y'all. We love that y'allall joined in with us, we're so
happy and everything. And Kay,welcome to the show and

all of Thank

you. And she you you see it from the first
episode, she was and now she'son now. It's on now. You know
what I'm saying? So what youthink, D?

I think it's fire. I think it's fire.

So that we out of here on that note.

Yep. So stay tuned for the next episode. Thank you
for joining us today. Love you,

guest coming.

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Dateline NBC

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Red Flags in Relationships: How to Spot Them & Avoid Heartbreak

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Dateline NBC

All Episodes

Red Flags in Relationships: How to Spot Them & Avoid Heartbreak

Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club