January 26, 2022 • 52 mins
Tune in this week as the coupe takes it back to you all and answers more of your burning relationship questions!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Straw Hut Media.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Here we go, here we goddem Welcome to Tequila Talk.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Every Welcome everyone to Part two. Do part do of
relationship questions.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Pour yourself a glass of your finest tequila or whatever
you drink from straw Hut Media.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
This is Tequila Talk with Daisy Foyntes.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
And Richard mox our friends from social media.
Speaker 4 (00:39):
I didn't want to bombard them. I figured, you know
a lot of the people who follow you follow me
as well, So I didn't want to be redundant and
annoy them.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
And so I put it out there a few days
before the last before last week's podcast, and there were
so many good questions that I know we couldn't get
to all of them on the last episodes. So we're
going to tackle a few more on this one.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
More relationship topics.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
That's what everybody wants to talk about.
Speaker 4 (01:03):
That's what we all need to talk about.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
I think even if you're not in a relationship, you
have relationship questions.
Speaker 4 (01:10):
Well, everyone has relationships, right, They don't have to be
just romantic relationships. You know, relationships are the most important thing,
I think, the most important part of society. Of course,
it's all about relationships, and we often think that it
has to be a romantic, intimate relationship, but you know,
we've got sometimes the most troublesome relationships in our lives
(01:34):
are not the romantic ones.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
True, although that's the majority of the questions that we got. Yeah,
although I like talking to people about what they might
be going through with a family member or a friend
or an ex friend.
Speaker 4 (01:50):
Yeah, And also, you know what's going on with yourself,
because what goes on with yourself affects every relationship. How
you feel about yourself, Yeah, reflects in how you feel
in a.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Place with yourself, you're not going to probably be in
a good place with anybody else. Yeah. You know.
Speaker 4 (02:05):
The perfect example of that was recently we went to
a friend's dinner party and we met someone new and
it was this guy, really nice man, very successful, he'd
had a lot of success in his life.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
But he said he was.
Speaker 4 (02:22):
Going through some personal crap and you know, he had
just been out of a relationship that he didn't really
want to be out of, but he realized it was
the wrong relationship for him, so he acknowledges that. He
also said he was going through some sort of a
midlife crisis, changing everything that he was doing. He said
he didn't know exactly what it was that was bothering
(02:43):
him about his life and about himself, so instead of
trying to find down to what it was that he
had to change, he said, I am changing everything. And
I thought that was brave and brilliant and interesting.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yeah. Yeah, and we both really gave him props for that.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:02):
Yeah, So sometimes it is Sometimes you have to figure
out what it is in your life that you're not
happy with anyone, the one.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Thing that you want to change.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
But yeah, sometimes you just want to change it all up,
change everything, including his career. He's a very successful man
and he's started doing something completely different.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Yeah. I mean I can really relate to that in that,
you know, I did the things that I did for decades,
the things that I ate, the shows that I watched,
the books that I read, the time I spent my
downtime doing, and then changed it all. I really changed
(03:46):
it all. You did. There's very aside from seeking out
a really great ice mocha everywhere I go. That's pretty
much the only thing I still do from yeah days.
Speaker 4 (03:58):
Do you think the catalyst for that was mostly your
divorce or were you headed in that direction prior to
your separation.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
I was starting to head in that direction prior to that,
which I think was maybe part of knowing that I,
you know that I was headed out of that relationship.
Speaker 4 (04:17):
What would you say, was the first thing that you
can remember changing, Whether it was like something that you
changed your mind about, or something that you changed the
way you did something, or what was it that that
you that you can remember was the catalyst to all
the change.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Well, the first thing that comes to mind, actually is
I started to really seek what's called self help. I
started to really pursue every book and every ted talk
and every lecture I could get my hands on about
(05:01):
all I knew was I knew that I was not
I knew that my relationship was not healthy in at
least in the ways that I felt like, and I
won't speak for her, but I felt like I wasn't
fulfilled in the relationship the way I want it to
be for a long time. And so rather than blame someone,
(05:23):
you know, you try to work it out. You try
to fix what's broken. But at a certain point, when
you realize that it's not that anybody's doing something wrong,
it's just fundamentally you just completely changed and you're different
than you were before, and what you want out of
life is different than what they want out of life.
(05:45):
Then you're at this cross road. It's like what do
I do about it? Do I just sort of like
put my head down and just go with it, because
like out of respect to history or you know, and
the people who do that, I think end up really miserable.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
I think there is something to be said for respecting
your history and trying to make things work, absolutely trying.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
To figure out if you've had good times and you've
had good and you have respect for each other. I
think you owe it to each other to try.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
I think every marriage has had good times, because otherwise
you wouldn't get married.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
So is that true? That's just sort of miserable from
day one?
Speaker 4 (06:28):
Sure, But let's talk about it the way it's supposed
to be. You're supposed to be in love when you
get married. You're supposed to have a good relationship, at
least in the beginning. And it's very easy to see
how some very young marriages, some very young couples, you know,
twenty years into their marriage change and.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
You're supposed to.
Speaker 4 (06:49):
So there is something to be said for let's try
to get back what we once had. And if that
doesn't work, sometimes it really is the old you know,
it's not you, it's me. Where the one person who
is that there's usually one person who wants out. Yeah,
(07:10):
it's very rare that both people are like, Okay, we're
both done.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
We're both good with this. Are we done? Are we good?
Speaker 4 (07:15):
We're good, We're happy. You know, there's usually someone who
is not on board with what is going to happen,
right But yeah, I think that that is respectable that
most people should at least try. I mean, we all
go through tough times in relationships and in marriage, and
I think clearly it's not okay to just be like, oh, yeah,
(07:39):
things aren't that great right now, I'm out. You know,
you owe into each other and to yourself to try
to salvage something that was once good.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
But what happens sometimes, and I'll speak for myself, is
that when you get to the point when you realize
that you are not in that relationship, you are not
being one hundred percent authentically your self, where you are
compromising who you are and what you like to talk
about and what you like to do and how you
(08:08):
like to go about your life. Yeah, out of knowing
that the other person is not on board with a
lot of that. You So when you for me, it
started to I started to feel like I was just
on mute, Like everything was muted, everything was sort of okay.
And I think that there should be more than that.
(08:30):
And when you are compromising who you are, your authentic self,
it's going to eat at you and then it's not
fair to the other person either.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Well, and sometimes you're in a relationship where you're just
not really allowed the freedom to find out who your
authentic self is.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Yeah, that's a little bit of a copat too. Everybody.
You know, if your quote's not allowed, then you either
speak up or you get out.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
It's a little more complicated than that.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
People who sort of lives it's very it's much easier
to be a victim. It's much easier to exist in
an unhappy relationship and blame the other person rather than
going you know what you need it to. You know,
it was very tough and very difficult and it affected
a lot of people, but you know what, you got
to do what you have to do.
Speaker 4 (09:16):
Yeah, but that's much easier said than done. You know,
you're a very strong person. You have a very strong
sense of self and not everybody has that. Some people
have been worn down, or they've been worn down in
their relationship by the struggles that they've been through in
that relationship, or the partner that they're with has broken
(09:37):
them down and made them insecure, or sometimes you're just
not that person who's really strong and you know, you
rely on having someone to lean on. So it's really
hard to make that move for some people to take
that step. Look, it was hard for you, and you're
a very strong person, very independent, and it was difficult,
(10:00):
so you can imagine not everybody's like that.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
No, No, there are some people I know that they
get out of a long relationship like they through it,
like they're taking out the trash.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Especially of midlife. It's very difficult to make that.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yes, well that's that's one of the themes of some
of these questions. We should we dive in. So here
our first question is from Meredith who and this is
such a simple question, but how do you keep your
relationship exciting and spicy?
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Everyone wants to know that.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
Every time we ask about this, people want to know
how do you keep it hot and spicey?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Right, and The first answer is we holding up. We've
only been married six years, been together eight so yeah.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
But most people by you know, year five or year seven. True,
are you know you fall.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Into a routine?
Speaker 4 (10:51):
Is something that's kind of eh, you know, just okay.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Would you agree with me that we don't quotes work
at it.
Speaker 4 (11:00):
Yeah, well we don't work at it, but we don't
get lazy about it.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Right. But there's a big difference this whole thing of like, well,
you need to really work at it. If it's really
that much work, then is it really then there's something
fundamentally wrong.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
No.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
I think it's important to work at it in a
way where you ask yourself, you know, how can I
contribute to this relationship getting better?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
What can I do better?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
That's different, But that's not about keeping it exciting and spicy.
I think that that and I know that sometimes you do.
Every relationship has ebbs and flows, and it has periods
where for circumstances that are out of your control. Sometimes, Yeah,
you can't be as hot for each other. You can't.
(11:48):
You're not going to be as spontaneous, you're not going
to like life happens. Yeah, maybe part of it is
that we met at a time when we had so
much of that behind us already. Yeah, so that by
the time you and I got together, you didn't have kids,
My kids were grown. Yeah, which is a huge component
(12:11):
of sure keeping a marriage hot, let's face it.
Speaker 4 (12:17):
Yeah, But then you know, other aspects of life happen.
You know, we start dealing with our parents getting older,
and with losing people in our family, and you know,
there's there's everything goes through stages. You know, if it's
not one thing, it's another. But life will always happen,
Life will continue to happen. So it's with us, it
(12:38):
was about really finding a balance of how to deal
with all these things that were happening in our lives
during a new relationship. But they're the kind of things
that normally happened to people later on in their relationship.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Yeah, But for.
Speaker 4 (12:52):
Us, we got married and immediately it was you know,
your mom was getting older, she was ill, she moved
in with us.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
We were taking care of her.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
My mom also is not well, and you know it's
also being worrying about our parents. Yeah, you know, it's
that hit us the minute we got married, and that
usually doesn't happen when you first get married.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Until many rights.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Why do you think that that didn't impact us in
terms of being.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Because we were aware of it and we talked about it.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Yeah, we we did definitely communicate about it.
Speaker 4 (13:24):
You know when we look at each other and we say,
you know, what's different. When we first started dating, there
was a care free kind of.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Just just a.
Speaker 4 (13:35):
Very free feeling and we were just doing everything that
we wanted to do and we were having fun. And
now all of a sudden, things aren't that much fun anymore,
well because of what's going on around.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Us external circumstances.
Speaker 4 (13:47):
So we identified the blow highs in our life that
were happening at the time, the things that were really
worrying us and bringing us down. Yeah, and once you
identify that and you realize it's it's not you, it's
not each other, it's something that we're going through together
that is changing our circumstances. So I think that talking
about it for us was key and identifying what it was.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Communication is always number one. But I also think that
we communicated really well about it, and we also recognized
and identified the things that we love to do together
that are part of that exciting sexy thing which is
going to a really sexy place to have a drink
and then going to dinner there, or going away for
(14:33):
the weekend.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Or bording time together alone.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Or especially our favorite thing, like the days when we
don't have anything to do and we lay in bed
until noon, Yeah, and we hang out, and we sort
of took refuge in those things as much as we
could when we were dealing with my mom passing away
and your family and the pressures of all this other stuff.
(14:58):
It was like for me, I would always look to
you and those things to kind of pull me out
of the depression of the rest of it.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Right, we'll be right back after this short break.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
And I also think it's important when when a couple
is going through maybe a little bit of a mundane
you know, things are changing, things are not as hot
or as spicy as they used to be, and maybe
you're bored, maybe you're disappointed, maybe you're thinking about getting out.
(15:39):
You know, aside from discussing it with your partner and
really talking about it and voicing what it is that
you would like to have back in the relationship, what
it is that you miss, you can discuss that and
talk about ways of bringing it back into the relationship,
but don't blame the other person, like, don't say things
(16:01):
like well you don't do this anymore and you're like
this now, and you know, talk about the things that
you miss, ask for what you want, Ask for what
you want, but also start being the one with the change.
Start making the changes that you want to see in
the relationship.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Don't wait, you.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
Know, have the conversation, but don't leave it all on
the other person. And you keep acting exactly the same
way that you're acting. So bring in the things that
you that you miss. Start being the person that makes
those changes, and hopefully your partner will join you in that.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yeah, it's like as a man, I know some guys
who when they complain about their partner not being as sexual,
or not being as spontaneous or not being I always go, well,
are you doing for her what she likes?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Are you?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Are you sitting and talking to her and listening to her,
Are you, you know, touching her and holding her in
a way that's not sexual and just loving? Are you
doing the things that she likes? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (17:10):
I think that you're absolutely right. In order for things
to be hot and spicy and still exciting in bed,
the foreplay has to start you know, throughout the day, Yeah,
with just you know, holding someone's hand, or leaning in
and kissing someone's neck, or just acknowledging something nice about
(17:33):
the other person, just you know, like you said, touching
the other person, or we kiss throughout the day and
we hold hands and we hug, and all that leads
up to you know, by the time you we.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Also talk about we tell each other how hot we
are for each other.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I think you can't stop doing that.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
That's important because.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
You're reminding each other that you still want each other,
and it's important and to somehow throughout the day every
day let each other know that you don't take them
for granted.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
This morning, we went to pilates, Yeah, and I was
sitting I was looking at you, and we were laying
next to each other beating our bodies up, and I
was so happy that I that you got me into that.
And then that's something that we do together as a couple.
And then we left and we were walking to the
car and you were in front of me, and I
was looking at you and I was objectifying you, and
(18:29):
I went, Wow.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
What a hot piece of ass you are.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Oh, I love you, and it's true.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
But you know, you need to keep that going. I
think that that's important. That's an important part to keeping
it hot and spicy, is you know, don't just be
hot and spicy when you're in.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Bed, exactly. That's a very that's very good.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Hot for each other all day long or every chance
you get.
Speaker 4 (18:53):
Obviously can't be all day long, but you know, when
you do have a chance to be loving or to
touch each other, give each other a kiss, a hug,
or just acknowledge that you're not taking the other person
for granted.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Exactly. This is a good one. I don't know the name,
but it's spa brat on my Instagram. After not being
in a relationship for three plus years, how do you
get back out there?
Speaker 2 (19:21):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (19:22):
I have the same question from Sandra, another person from
the last from the previous group of questions that we took,
and Sandra said, after being single for thirteen years, any
tips on how to trust again? So it's very similar
to that question. And you know this person said three years.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Three years, three plus years. You know, we both know
that you particularly know a couple of people who've been
out of the dating scene and out of the relationship
scene for years and years and years, and they have
sort of settled into their life alone, but they clearly
would love to, yeah, find someone or date or whatever.
(20:03):
So what do you say to people who've been off
the market for a long time.
Speaker 4 (20:10):
I think that the longer you are alone, the more
difficult it is for you to get back on the.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
Horse, so to speak. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
I think it's really important to just remember how to socialize.
It's really important to just remember how to be with
a person that you may be romantically interested in.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Yeah, whether it's a good point, like, think about how
many relationships started because you met someone through friends. You
were at a party, you were at a dinner, you
were at somebody's house, and that's how it happens.
Speaker 4 (20:47):
Absolutely, And I know these last you know, two years
have been really difficult on everyone. If you were single
when the pandemic started, it's been hell because you haven't
been able to date, you haven't been to go out
for a long time. And now people are just starting
to get back out there. Some people are too afraid
(21:09):
to even get back out there, so they're not back
on the dating scene. But you know, like this, this woman,
Saundra says, after being single for thirteen years, you know,
so three years can easily turn into thirteen.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Years or longer.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Don't make it a point to put yourself out there.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
So what does that mean? Put yourself out there for
I know what you mean, but.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Yeah, I click. I think.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
Opening yourself up to dating and to meeting people, not
necessarily meeting your next relationship, but meeting someone who you
may be interested in. I think that people put too
much pressure on a meeting or on a date, and
you can't think of the outcome. You have to just
(21:55):
give yourself a chance to get to know someone. Yeah,
that's all that a date is. It's just a conversation,
you know. It doesn't have to be about oh I
have now I have to sleep with this person and
I don't really like this person.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
And oh now I don't really like this person. How
do I tell them? Well, you just if you don't
like someone, you never see them again.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Right, But also, like you referenced the guy we met
a couple of nights ago, and he came to this
dinner with a woman friend. Yeah who I immediately thought
they were a couple, but they weren't. And they're both
single and they're both great friends. I don't know why
they're not together, who's not my business. But for whatever reason,
(22:38):
they're not a romantic couple. They're friends. But they must
have by putting themselves out there. That's how they're friends.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
And that's another thing, is like, don't play so much
pressure on it becoming the next thing. The more you
the more desperate you are to find the love of
your life, the more elusive I think it is.
Speaker 4 (22:59):
Yeah, I think we've said this before. You have to
get yourself to a good place where you're really happy
with your life. You're happy enough with your life that
you would welcome someone into your life. Just remember, don't
bring someone into your life who is going to bring
your life or your living circumstances or your lifestyle down.
(23:22):
Someone who is going to now be struggling or depending
on you for help, or someone who is broken and
now you need to fix them. That's not what you
want to do. It's up to everyone to get themselves
to a good place.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
I know that there are people who are wired in
a way that they feel they need to rescue people
and they but it's never good for you.
Speaker 4 (23:42):
But that's usually someone who needs to be rescued themselves.
If you feel like you need to. You're constantly finding
people who are broken.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
And you can't be rescued by someone else. You can
rescue yourself.
Speaker 4 (23:53):
So if your pattern is that you find people who
are just broken or not ready to be in a
relationship and you're trying to help, that's that's a reflection
of where you are with yourself. Other people are looking
at you and also thinking, oh, they're not really one
hundred percent either, you know, So bring yourself to one
hundred percent, and then you'll find someone who is pretty
(24:16):
much at that point as well in their life, and
then you can come together and have a nice time.
But you know, for the for the woman who said
after being single for thirteen years and she wants to
trust again, Look, it doesn't matter how long you've been single.
Trust is an issue. We all are hoping that we
can trust the person that we start seeing. But you
(24:38):
have to get to know people. And trust isn't something
that you can say, oh, now I trust people. No
trust case, trust has to be earned. Yes, trust is
not something that you ask for or look for. It
has to be earned. You know, the other people have
to earn your trust and you have to earn their trust.
(25:00):
It goes both ways, and the only way that you're
going to figure that out is by getting to know
each other, by spending time with each other without any pressure,
when without any attachment to the outcome. Give yourself, you know,
a few dates to get to know someone and just
say to yourself, if this doesn't turn into a romantic relationship,
(25:24):
maybe it'll just be a friendship.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
And a few people who want to get back out
there but are not. They're not terribly social, or they
have they have a very limited social circle. You're very
pro online dating, right.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
I'm totally for it.
Speaker 4 (25:37):
I haven't done it myself, but I think that if
I were single, especially through the pandemic at this point
in my life, I would give it a shot. I
think you have to be honest. I think you have to,
you know, do a little research on which site you
think is more appropriate for you, which one works best
for you. Maybe you have to try a few. But
(25:59):
that is the new way of meeting people. It's the
same thing as going to a bar and checking everybody
else who's at the bar out or you know, at
the party or whatever, and you get your eye on someone,
you see how they are. You may just say hello,
talk to them for.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
A little while. That's exactly what online dating is.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Yeah, so I've never I haven't asked you this. If
I ever did, it was ages ago. So you didn't
ever do the online dating. But you're you would be
open to it if we weren't together and you were
I think so. Yeah, Okay, you've said many times over
the years that you would never You've never asked a
(26:38):
guy out? No, would you now? No?
Speaker 4 (26:43):
But if you knew a guy, no, Only because not
that there's anything wrong with that. I think it's totally
fine to ask a man out. And I think, especially today,
men have kind of taken taken the hint and they
sit back and they wait for women to ask them.
Many men do. However, the men I have been interested in,
(27:04):
the men that I see myself, that I saw myself with,
was not the kind of man who was going to
sit around and wait for a woman to ask him out.
That's just not the kind of character that I am
attractive to. Now, with that said, it doesn't mean anything.
It's just one of my hang ups. It's just one
of my things. I prefer for the man to make
(27:28):
that move. That's just how I don't know. Maybe maybe
if I was still single, I would have changed my
mind on that, but I like for a man to
take that lead.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Initially.
Speaker 4 (27:45):
Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. That's just me and
my stupid old fashioned way of thinking.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
I know that you know.
Speaker 4 (27:53):
Many, many relationships that are great relationships start out with
a woman making that first time.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
So even though you feel that way personally, you would
gladly say to a friend who you didn't who you
knew wasn't hung up on that, ask him out.
Speaker 4 (28:08):
Sure, Yeah, I don't see why not. Okay, I don't
see why not. I mean unless you're like me, where
you appreciate the kind of man who would take the
lead on that.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
You know, I just I don't know.
Speaker 4 (28:22):
That's very personal. But you know, if you're online dating,
then you're putting yourself out there and you have to
make as much of a move as the other person,
or the very least respond. You know, if you're not
going to be the person to ask the man out,
or if you don't want to be the person to
ask to do the asking, because I mean it could
(28:44):
be you know, a same sex relationship and you just
still don't want to be the person to do the asking.
You want to be asked. Then it's all about putting
the right signals out there and letting that person know
that you would be open to dating or to getting
to know each other differently.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Yeah, I think before we move on to the next question,
I think it's really important. And I know we've hammered
this on several of our podcasts, but it's a really
important piece of advice people who are asking, you know,
how do I get back out there? How do I
find the right person? How do I That's all valid,
(29:23):
But the most important thing you can do is what
you've mentioned is setting up your life in a way
where if you do find someone to share that with
and you have a great time, wonderful, congratulations. But if
you don't, or if it takes a long time, in
(29:44):
the meantime, you're happy doing what you do. You have
your friends, you have your stuff that you like to do,
you have your your comfortable and happy being alone.
Speaker 4 (29:56):
The minute that happens, everything opens up for you. Yeah,
you start attracting people into your life.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
When I was single before I met you, I was
at a I was at a time in my life
where I was dating. I wasn't dating anyone exclusively. It
was just very casual, and I mostly did that just
so that I wouldn't forget how to relate to men. Yeah,
(30:27):
just so that I would remember what it's like to
socialize that way. And many times it didn't turn into
anything romance, Like many times, you know, we wouldn't even
kiss good night. It was just meeting somebody for drinks,
having good conversation, and then deciding whether you wanted to
have another date or not, or deciding whether this was
(30:48):
just going to be a friendship. You don't have to
go on every date, you know, tessing the person out, like,
is this going to be the next it's going to
be someone who wants.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
To marry me? You Yeah, you don't know.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
You don't know. So go into the dates, just as
if you're going on a date with a friend, just
as if you're going out to dinner with a friend.
Just get to know the person, get to know each
other and let your guard down, really show them who
you are, because if you start putting on errors and
being fake and you're so nervous that you can't be yourself,
(31:26):
then it's not fair because the person starts liking someone
who you are not. Yeah, I think it's really important
just to put yourself out there and you know, sure,
be nice, be.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Respectful, but be yourself.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (31:39):
And this way, you know that if that person calls
back and if you continue seeing each other, it's because
they really like the real you.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Yeah, that's great, You'll be right back after this short break. Okay, next,
this is again anybody's name, I can it's just a handle.
(32:09):
But this is a good question. How do you two
find a good balance of spending time together and spending
time apart. My husband and I have been together for
twenty four years, and we find that having time to
ourselves individually really makes the time we spend together that
much more valuable. Great question. And the first thing is,
(32:31):
if you haven't been told this, or if you're on
the fence about this, there is a major difference between
loving being alone and not wanting to be with your partner.
There's a huge difference. Yeah, and I'm fifty eight years old.
I've you know, I've always I'm an only child, so
(32:55):
I grew up alone. I grew up without siblings and
without a lot of friends. I spent a tremendous amount
of time alone, which it turns out served me really
well in my chosen profession because that's a real solitary thing,
creating songs and writing lyrics and so. But even aside
(33:18):
from that, I learned really early on to love my
own company, to be really comfortable being alone, to the
point where as you know, I crave it sometimes, and
it's got nothing to do with being away from you
or anyone else. It's got to do with just really
(33:39):
enjoying and needing time to be completely just with me.
Speaker 4 (33:46):
I think that is so important, and it's something that
the younger generation now has a real problem with. When
you and I were kids, and I mean I have
a younger sister, but we weren't close enough in age where
we hung out together all the time. So yeah, I
(34:07):
did spend a lot of time with myself, and so
did she. And we grew up at a time, as
did you, where our parents were busy and their entire
lives did not revolve around making a schedule for us
Jesus and finding things for us to do.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Kids are so scheduled now.
Speaker 4 (34:26):
So now kids are so scheduled that, you know, I
have a friend who at the beginning a couple of
friends actually with kids at different ages. You know, one
was nineteen and another one with a twelve year old,
who both said that the children went through so much
psychological trauma because they couldn't see their friends or have
(34:48):
their regular scheduled socializing that they really suffered emotionally and psychologically.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
And that's because.
Speaker 4 (34:59):
People aren't taught to just ever have downtime quiet time.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
So if you go through your entire life.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
With an entire schedule, a social schedule, a school schedule,
then a work schedule, and then a social schedule, and
the minute that that dies down and you have maybe
a day to yourself, you freak out, You pack, you
don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Yeah, that's awful.
Speaker 4 (35:24):
So for us, you know, it's really important for many
people to spend some time alone to do their own thing,
whether you know you have hobbies or reading, or whether
you have friends that you want to catch up with
that you don't always have to be in a couple situation,
you know, I think it's so important, and a lot
(35:45):
of times people who don't like their partner going off.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
And doing things on their own.
Speaker 4 (35:52):
I have to say that there might be a trust
issue there, because if you really trust the person who
you're with, and you love the person you want to
see them happy. You want them to do what they
want to do, what makes them happy. Yeah, whether that's
with or without you. If you're secure in your relationship,
then you need to allow room for each other to
(36:15):
do your own thing.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Yeah. I think that that balance is crucial. Like you
and I are together ninety eight percent of the time.
Speaker 4 (36:26):
Yeah, but that's because we were robbed of a lot
of time previously.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
But also because and this is important too, because there
are a lot of couples who don't who can't relate
to this or don't have this dynamic. But you and
I can be alone.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
In the same room.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
You're over there doing your thing. Yeah, I'm reading my shit,
I'm you know whatever.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
Yeah, I don't care what you're doing. You don't care
what I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
Yeah, it's like, and I know, technically that's not what
this person's talking about it. Yeah, but there is something
really valuable to that in a relationship as well.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
Yeah, to be to be physically together but also very.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Independent of each other, it's important. It's really important that said,
you know, you, once in a while have a girl's night,
or I'll go hang out with Matt or one of
my friends and I love when you do that or
when I do that, because then I can't wait to
hear about what you did, and you want to know
what we talked about.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
You know, a lot of times.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
It's difficult because couples get into a routine of going
out with other couples, and it's very difficult to find
couples where you both are close to.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
Both of them.
Speaker 1 (37:44):
Holy shit, is it hard? You know?
Speaker 4 (37:46):
And of course there are couples that you like and
that you you know, you all have a great time
when you go.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Out, but it doesn't always just have to be that.
Speaker 4 (37:53):
Sometimes, you know, you have relationships with friends that are
not part of a couple, and that doesn't mean that
you can and see them because they're not part of
a compy.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
You and I both have single friends, yeah, and to
hang out with.
Speaker 4 (38:05):
It's important for you to keep those friendships. And you know,
you have some friends that I just I'm not particularly
looking forward to getting to know them any further, Like
they're not my scene, but they're good friends of yours,
and you need to keep those relationships alive, right whether
(38:26):
or not I want to join that or not, you know,
And I think that keeping that individuality and even.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
Down to I mean, I don't know that you and
I have examples of this, but if we did, it
would be one hundred percent okay. Is to have interests
that are separate from each other totally. You know, if
I were into some activity that you were like, yeah,
I don't.
Speaker 4 (38:51):
Care, right, and then you go and you do that
on your own or with your friends. It also keeps
it more interesting because you have more things to talk about.
I think if you're constantly together and just doing the
same things all the time, then what do you have
to talk about if you're if there's nothing that you've
done on your own that you want to tell the
other person about. It's really important to keep your individuality,
(39:17):
and I know that that that changes quickly.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (39:20):
There are a lot of people who whose friends and
their friendships kind of fall out when they start dating
someone new, which is understandable at the beginning, but it's
important to take care of all your other relationships as
well as your romantic relationship or as well as your marriage.
You know, it can't it can't be just about the
(39:43):
two of you, because then you become an island and
that is putting way too much pressure on each other.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
I think it.
Speaker 4 (39:49):
Makes for a much more happy relationship when there are
outside interests and things to talk about, when there is
trust and like, I'm genuinely happy when you're doing things
that fulfill you, that make you happy, when you catch
up with your friends, and do.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
I miss you?
Speaker 4 (40:04):
Yeah, And sometimes I'm like, oh, I kind of wish
we were doing something today, But I love you so
much that.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
I want you to be happy. I want you to
do what you want to do. I don't want to
control what you do.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
Yeah, it's really important. Yeah, this is a you know,
switching to a really serious topic here for a second.
This person wants to know how does Daisy Flintest feel
when fans hug and kiss you and throw their panties
on the stage. Does it make you feel uncomfortable in
any way? First of all, at this stage, if I
(40:38):
get panties thrown up on stage, there depends top it.
I'm just saying, Okay, I had to just repeat that question.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
I've seen some thoughts.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
I just had to repeat that question. This is I
saw this a couple of times. This is Shanny, who
she and her sister come to have come to a
bunch of my gigs. She said, Hey, hotties, I like
her already have any advice for couples that have to
be long distance for weeks at a time. How do
(41:10):
you keep the trust and lust going without being able
to touch? How do you feel about long distance relationship?
Speaker 4 (41:16):
I think that that's a really tough one. If it's
a long distance relationship where you know that it's just
a limited amount of time, you know, but that person
is going to come back or you're going to go
and be with that person again, then I think a
good relationship can survive that. But if you met long
distance and you have a long distance relationship and you
(41:38):
have not met, that's not really a relationship, right. Or
if you've met only briefly for spirit any time together,
and now you've you're going on like a couple of
years of this, then you're both living separate lives and
I don't think that that ever works. You need to
(41:59):
spend time with each other other to know that you
can trust each other and to know whether you can
survive a bit of a long distance relationship. And again,
it's different for everyone. I'm sure there are people who
love that they have a long distance relationship. They because
they like spending time alone, or it just works for them,
(42:19):
or they're the type of personalities.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
But that's rare.
Speaker 4 (42:23):
I think for most relationships, you need to spend time together,
You need to really get to know each other and
be there for each other. If you live, you know,
in different time zones, or if you live really far
away from each other, all you have is FaceTime calls
(42:43):
and the you know, texting and emailing.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
That's that's really difficult.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
It also depends on what you want out of the
quotes relationship and the relationship definition is you know, depends
on that. It's very subjective. So I would say that, yeah,
I hear you. If you, if you, if you're classifying
it as a classic relationship where you're together and you're
a couple, then yeah, I agree with you. But there
(43:09):
are also relationships where it's casual and you do your thing.
Speaker 2 (43:16):
Oh sure, that's their thing.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
You hook up, you have fun sexually, you have fun conversations,
but you don't need to be together all the time.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
Right, And that's fine. But that's fine if both.
Speaker 4 (43:29):
Of you are aware that that's what it is, right,
Because if one person is thinking that at some point
something is going to change, those never really because Eventually,
someone is going to meet somebody in their town or
someone they work with, and they're just going to end
up spending more time with that person, get to know
that person better, and someone is going to be surprised
(43:54):
by that.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
You know.
Speaker 4 (43:56):
So I think as long as you understand each other
and you make it very very clear what's expected in
that relationship or how you see that relationship, and still
I think it's very difficult. I am not a fan
of long distance relationships. I've never seen one work.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Have you ever had one?
Speaker 2 (44:13):
No?
Speaker 4 (44:14):
No, I know people who have, and it works for
a little while. It works temporarily, but on a long
term basis, there are problems, problems always.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
I had one when I was really young, and it
was again, it was really exciting for the first ten minutes,
and then it was like, you can't. It's difficult, you
can't be Yeah, you can't get invested, you can't.
Speaker 4 (44:38):
I think the times have changed so much that where
people are so used to just communicating via socials and.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
Well it's also a little different technology you were younger,
in that you know, you have FaceTime, you have you
can really sort of be together without being together as
close as as close as you can come without actually
physically being together.
Speaker 4 (44:56):
Oh, it's definitely much better and much more doable. But
does it work long term?
Speaker 2 (45:01):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
I'm with you. Yeah, I thought this was a good
question too. Have you ever had a different Oh? This
is from Liz in London, who's wonderful. She's a big
supporter of both of ours. Liz McEwan, have you ever
had a different point of view that you haven't been
(45:23):
able to resolve? If you have, would you just agree
to disagree or more likely talk about it until you
reach a compromise, She said. I somehow I don't see
this being applicable to you guys, But you know, nothing important.
I don't think that you can agree to disagree about
something that's important. Yes, that's fundamentally important when it comes
(45:48):
to philosophies or opinions about things. First of all, you
and I agree about most everything.
Speaker 4 (45:55):
Yeah, And then when we don't agree on something, we
are two people who really should have been lawyers because
we can argue the shit out of anything.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
One hund Yes.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
And the first thing that comes to mind is we've
I think we've argued about it on this podcast. Is
the concept of karma yeah, you believe in karma. I don't, right,
and you have spent years trying to prove to me
that karma is real and that I'll go no, but
but then I'll give you example after example, and Daisy
(46:26):
does this fucking thing that drives me credule. We should go, well,
maybe that's just their karma, and I go, fuck you see.
Speaker 4 (46:34):
It when it comes to us, like, I love you
so much that I know that the right thing to
do is to just listen to your point.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
And I do and then just try to understand it.
Speaker 4 (46:45):
But when it comes to us, I just want to
convince you that I'm right.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
Right, let's do I Like, I don't like that you
disagree with me on anything, so I want you to
agree with me. Yes, there have been times when you've
convinced me. Yeah, and I think that I mean fewer,
but there have been a couple of times when I've
brought you to my side on certain things. But how
(47:10):
often that doesn't happen to us? Very often?
Speaker 4 (47:12):
And not, like you said, not with anything important. It
could never anything with things in the news, or with
social issues, or with things that are going on or
you know, and yeah, a lot of things based on
lifestyle or on self improvement, you know, because we read
a lot of self improvement type.
Speaker 1 (47:33):
We don't disagree on that stuff.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Well, sometimes you do.
Speaker 4 (47:35):
Sometimes I will be listening to someone You're like, that
guy's a dick, and then you won't hear anything that
I have to say, just because you've decided that the
guy's a dick based on like two things that I've
told you about, or whoever it is that I'm reading about.
Speaker 2 (47:47):
You know that that is telling me this.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
So I can be dismissive.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
You can be very.
Speaker 4 (47:51):
Dismissive, and that only challenges me even more to convince you.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
But I think part of in my defense and there's
no excuse for it, I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying.
I'm just explaining. I think that I've done so much
work and reading on that topic a lot thanks to
you because you and you introduced me to some amazing
writers and and uh Phis philosophers and speakers and people
(48:19):
with amazing ideology about how we should be as you know,
how we can be better, and how we can be better.
That I've gotten to the point where you got to
come up with something really unique now because I know,
I know it all. I know it all. I get
(48:40):
it all.
Speaker 2 (48:40):
Do you do you really?
Speaker 1 (48:42):
I'm saying, I obviously don't know it all, but I
know most of it. And so when somebody hits me
with something that I find to be kind of rudimentary
and I've heard that, I read that in eleven other books.
Speaker 4 (48:54):
Yes there is that, I get it. But sometimes there
is something that registers differently. Yeah, I have read books,
and you got to stay open. You got to stay open.
The minute that you think that you know it all
and that you've heard it all is the minute you
start dying. That's the minute you're done. So, yes, I
know that a lot of things are set. I know
(49:16):
that a lot of things you know are said in
different ways and it's the same thing. They're saying the
same thing. But sometimes you have to receive it differently.
Sometimes it's how you receive it and what you make
out of what you're reading. It will mean different things
to you in different stages.
Speaker 2 (49:31):
Of your life.
Speaker 1 (49:32):
That's true.
Speaker 4 (49:33):
And sometimes you read something where ninety five percent of
it is shit that you're either not interested in or
that you've already read and already understand. But there will
be a few of the things. There is that five
percent that that person has to say or the way
they're explaining something that hits you differently and changes a
(49:54):
little something in you or makes you a little bit better,
or it's something that you put into practice your daily
life that benefits you.
Speaker 2 (50:02):
You have to remain open to that. You can't.
Speaker 4 (50:05):
The minute you think that, it's like, oh, well, then
I'm set in my way. Is I know everything I'm
going to know. No one has anything new to tell me.
You don't ever want to think like that. But I
see how it's I see how it's easy to think.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
And also my experience, which you know, I have to
remind myself with this. My experience is it's never, not never.
But it's really the huge concepts that someone will lay
on me that makes me wake up. It's the little
simple things. It's just like you said, it's like taking
(50:38):
a thought or a concept that we know and twisting
it or turning it in their own way just a
little bit so that you go, oh, I never thought
about it that way. Yeah, So yeah, you got to
stay open. Yeah, but we're really lucky that way. We don't.
We don't disagree about much.
Speaker 4 (50:55):
Yeah, and it's okay.
Speaker 1 (50:58):
How I dry my hair with a towel.
Speaker 2 (51:00):
Well, we already fix that. You're doing it correctly now,
thank you, Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1 (51:09):
We have a couple more questions, but I'm gonna be honest.
I've been craving a motherfucking impossible burger today and we've
done fifteen minutes. And we can always come back to
more questions later, but we need to go. I need
to go down the street to this great place that
we love and get an impossible.
Speaker 2 (51:30):
Well that's a very professional of you.
Speaker 1 (51:32):
Well, no, we did the work.
Speaker 2 (51:34):
I'm down. Let's go.
Speaker 1 (51:35):
Yes, you guys, we really appreciate you listening and your support,
and we will see you guys next week. Be safe
and healthy.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
Bye, take care of each other.
Speaker 3 (51:46):
Thanks for listening to Tequila Talk with Daisy Puentez and
Richard Marx. Download new episodes every week, and if you
haven't already, subscribe and be sure to leave.
Speaker 1 (51:54):
Us a rating and review.
Speaker 3 (51:55):
And while you're at it, check out some of the
other great shows available on straw Hut.
Speaker 4 (51:58):
Meetia
Straw Hut Media.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Here we go, here we goddem Welcome to Tequila Talk.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Every Welcome everyone to Part two. Do part do of
relationship questions.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Pour yourself a glass of your finest tequila or whatever
you drink from straw Hut Media.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
This is Tequila Talk with Daisy Foyntes.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
And Richard mox our friends from social media.
Speaker 4 (00:39):
I didn't want to bombard them. I figured, you know
a lot of the people who follow you follow me
as well, So I didn't want to be redundant and
annoy them.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
And so I put it out there a few days
before the last before last week's podcast, and there were
so many good questions that I know we couldn't get
to all of them on the last episodes. So we're
going to tackle a few more on this one.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
More relationship topics.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
That's what everybody wants to talk about.
Speaker 4 (01:03):
That's what we all need to talk about.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
I think even if you're not in a relationship, you
have relationship questions.
Speaker 4 (01:10):
Well, everyone has relationships, right, They don't have to be
just romantic relationships. You know, relationships are the most important thing,
I think, the most important part of society. Of course,
it's all about relationships, and we often think that it
has to be a romantic, intimate relationship, but you know,
we've got sometimes the most troublesome relationships in our lives
(01:34):
are not the romantic ones.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
True, although that's the majority of the questions that we got. Yeah,
although I like talking to people about what they might
be going through with a family member or a friend
or an ex friend.
Speaker 4 (01:50):
Yeah, And also, you know what's going on with yourself,
because what goes on with yourself affects every relationship. How
you feel about yourself, Yeah, reflects in how you feel
in a.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Place with yourself, you're not going to probably be in
a good place with anybody else. Yeah. You know.
Speaker 4 (02:05):
The perfect example of that was recently we went to
a friend's dinner party and we met someone new and
it was this guy, really nice man, very successful, he'd
had a lot of success in his life.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
But he said he was.
Speaker 4 (02:22):
Going through some personal crap and you know, he had
just been out of a relationship that he didn't really
want to be out of, but he realized it was
the wrong relationship for him, so he acknowledges that. He
also said he was going through some sort of a
midlife crisis, changing everything that he was doing. He said
he didn't know exactly what it was that was bothering
(02:43):
him about his life and about himself, so instead of
trying to find down to what it was that he
had to change, he said, I am changing everything. And
I thought that was brave and brilliant and interesting.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yeah. Yeah, and we both really gave him props for that.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:02):
Yeah, So sometimes it is Sometimes you have to figure
out what it is in your life that you're not
happy with anyone, the one.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Thing that you want to change.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
But yeah, sometimes you just want to change it all up,
change everything, including his career. He's a very successful man
and he's started doing something completely different.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Yeah. I mean I can really relate to that in that,
you know, I did the things that I did for decades,
the things that I ate, the shows that I watched,
the books that I read, the time I spent my
downtime doing, and then changed it all. I really changed
(03:46):
it all. You did. There's very aside from seeking out
a really great ice mocha everywhere I go. That's pretty
much the only thing I still do from yeah days.
Speaker 4 (03:58):
Do you think the catalyst for that was mostly your
divorce or were you headed in that direction prior to
your separation.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
I was starting to head in that direction prior to that,
which I think was maybe part of knowing that I,
you know that I was headed out of that relationship.
Speaker 4 (04:17):
What would you say, was the first thing that you
can remember changing, Whether it was like something that you
changed your mind about, or something that you changed the
way you did something, or what was it that that
you that you can remember was the catalyst to all
the change.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Well, the first thing that comes to mind, actually is
I started to really seek what's called self help. I
started to really pursue every book and every ted talk
and every lecture I could get my hands on about
(05:01):
all I knew was I knew that I was not
I knew that my relationship was not healthy in at
least in the ways that I felt like, and I
won't speak for her, but I felt like I wasn't
fulfilled in the relationship the way I want it to
be for a long time. And so rather than blame someone,
(05:23):
you know, you try to work it out. You try
to fix what's broken. But at a certain point, when
you realize that it's not that anybody's doing something wrong,
it's just fundamentally you just completely changed and you're different
than you were before, and what you want out of
life is different than what they want out of life.
(05:45):
Then you're at this cross road. It's like what do
I do about it? Do I just sort of like
put my head down and just go with it, because
like out of respect to history or you know, and
the people who do that, I think end up really miserable.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
I think there is something to be said for respecting
your history and trying to make things work, absolutely trying.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
To figure out if you've had good times and you've
had good and you have respect for each other. I
think you owe it to each other to try.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
I think every marriage has had good times, because otherwise
you wouldn't get married.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
So is that true? That's just sort of miserable from
day one?
Speaker 4 (06:28):
Sure, But let's talk about it the way it's supposed
to be. You're supposed to be in love when you
get married. You're supposed to have a good relationship, at
least in the beginning. And it's very easy to see
how some very young marriages, some very young couples, you know,
twenty years into their marriage change and.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
You're supposed to.
Speaker 4 (06:49):
So there is something to be said for let's try
to get back what we once had. And if that
doesn't work, sometimes it really is the old you know,
it's not you, it's me. Where the one person who
is that there's usually one person who wants out. Yeah,
(07:10):
it's very rare that both people are like, Okay, we're
both done.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
We're both good with this. Are we done? Are we good?
Speaker 4 (07:15):
We're good, We're happy. You know, there's usually someone who
is not on board with what is going to happen,
right But yeah, I think that that is respectable that
most people should at least try. I mean, we all
go through tough times in relationships and in marriage, and
I think clearly it's not okay to just be like, oh, yeah,
(07:39):
things aren't that great right now, I'm out. You know,
you owe into each other and to yourself to try
to salvage something that was once good.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
But what happens sometimes, and I'll speak for myself, is
that when you get to the point when you realize
that you are not in that relationship, you are not
being one hundred percent authentically your self, where you are
compromising who you are and what you like to talk
about and what you like to do and how you
(08:08):
like to go about your life. Yeah, out of knowing
that the other person is not on board with a
lot of that. You So when you for me, it
started to I started to feel like I was just
on mute, Like everything was muted, everything was sort of okay.
And I think that there should be more than that.
(08:30):
And when you are compromising who you are, your authentic self,
it's going to eat at you and then it's not
fair to the other person either.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Well, and sometimes you're in a relationship where you're just
not really allowed the freedom to find out who your
authentic self is.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Yeah, that's a little bit of a copat too. Everybody.
You know, if your quote's not allowed, then you either
speak up or you get out.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
It's a little more complicated than that.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
People who sort of lives it's very it's much easier
to be a victim. It's much easier to exist in
an unhappy relationship and blame the other person rather than
going you know what you need it to. You know,
it was very tough and very difficult and it affected
a lot of people, but you know what, you got
to do what you have to do.
Speaker 4 (09:16):
Yeah, but that's much easier said than done. You know,
you're a very strong person. You have a very strong
sense of self and not everybody has that. Some people
have been worn down, or they've been worn down in
their relationship by the struggles that they've been through in
that relationship, or the partner that they're with has broken
(09:37):
them down and made them insecure, or sometimes you're just
not that person who's really strong and you know, you
rely on having someone to lean on. So it's really
hard to make that move for some people to take
that step. Look, it was hard for you, and you're
a very strong person, very independent, and it was difficult,
(10:00):
so you can imagine not everybody's like that.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
No, No, there are some people I know that they
get out of a long relationship like they through it,
like they're taking out the trash.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Especially of midlife. It's very difficult to make that.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yes, well that's that's one of the themes of some
of these questions. We should we dive in. So here
our first question is from Meredith who and this is
such a simple question, but how do you keep your
relationship exciting and spicy?
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Everyone wants to know that.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
Every time we ask about this, people want to know
how do you keep it hot and spicey?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Right, and The first answer is we holding up. We've
only been married six years, been together eight so yeah.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
But most people by you know, year five or year seven. True,
are you know you fall.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Into a routine?
Speaker 4 (10:51):
Is something that's kind of eh, you know, just okay.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Would you agree with me that we don't quotes work
at it.
Speaker 4 (11:00):
Yeah, well we don't work at it, but we don't
get lazy about it.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Right. But there's a big difference this whole thing of like, well,
you need to really work at it. If it's really
that much work, then is it really then there's something
fundamentally wrong.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
No.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
I think it's important to work at it in a
way where you ask yourself, you know, how can I
contribute to this relationship getting better?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
What can I do better?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
That's different, But that's not about keeping it exciting and spicy.
I think that that and I know that sometimes you do.
Every relationship has ebbs and flows, and it has periods
where for circumstances that are out of your control. Sometimes, Yeah,
you can't be as hot for each other. You can't.
(11:48):
You're not going to be as spontaneous, you're not going
to like life happens. Yeah, maybe part of it is
that we met at a time when we had so
much of that behind us already. Yeah, so that by
the time you and I got together, you didn't have kids,
My kids were grown. Yeah, which is a huge component
(12:11):
of sure keeping a marriage hot, let's face it.
Speaker 4 (12:17):
Yeah, But then you know, other aspects of life happen.
You know, we start dealing with our parents getting older,
and with losing people in our family, and you know,
there's there's everything goes through stages. You know, if it's
not one thing, it's another. But life will always happen,
Life will continue to happen. So it's with us, it
(12:38):
was about really finding a balance of how to deal
with all these things that were happening in our lives
during a new relationship. But they're the kind of things
that normally happened to people later on in their relationship.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Yeah, But for.
Speaker 4 (12:52):
Us, we got married and immediately it was you know,
your mom was getting older, she was ill, she moved
in with us.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
We were taking care of her.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
My mom also is not well, and you know it's
also being worrying about our parents. Yeah, you know, it's
that hit us the minute we got married, and that
usually doesn't happen when you first get married.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Until many rights.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Why do you think that that didn't impact us in
terms of being.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Because we were aware of it and we talked about it.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Yeah, we we did definitely communicate about it.
Speaker 4 (13:24):
You know when we look at each other and we say,
you know, what's different. When we first started dating, there
was a care free kind of.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Just just a.
Speaker 4 (13:35):
Very free feeling and we were just doing everything that
we wanted to do and we were having fun. And
now all of a sudden, things aren't that much fun anymore,
well because of what's going on around.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Us external circumstances.
Speaker 4 (13:47):
So we identified the blow highs in our life that
were happening at the time, the things that were really
worrying us and bringing us down. Yeah, and once you
identify that and you realize it's it's not you, it's
not each other, it's something that we're going through together
that is changing our circumstances. So I think that talking
about it for us was key and identifying what it was.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Communication is always number one. But I also think that
we communicated really well about it, and we also recognized
and identified the things that we love to do together
that are part of that exciting sexy thing which is
going to a really sexy place to have a drink
and then going to dinner there, or going away for
(14:33):
the weekend.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Or bording time together alone.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Or especially our favorite thing, like the days when we
don't have anything to do and we lay in bed
until noon, Yeah, and we hang out, and we sort
of took refuge in those things as much as we
could when we were dealing with my mom passing away
and your family and the pressures of all this other stuff.
(14:58):
It was like for me, I would always look to
you and those things to kind of pull me out
of the depression of the rest of it.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Right, we'll be right back after this short break.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
And I also think it's important when when a couple
is going through maybe a little bit of a mundane
you know, things are changing, things are not as hot
or as spicy as they used to be, and maybe
you're bored, maybe you're disappointed, maybe you're thinking about getting out.
(15:39):
You know, aside from discussing it with your partner and
really talking about it and voicing what it is that
you would like to have back in the relationship, what
it is that you miss, you can discuss that and
talk about ways of bringing it back into the relationship,
but don't blame the other person, like, don't say things
(16:01):
like well you don't do this anymore and you're like
this now, and you know, talk about the things that
you miss, ask for what you want, Ask for what
you want, but also start being the one with the change.
Start making the changes that you want to see in
the relationship.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Don't wait, you.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
Know, have the conversation, but don't leave it all on
the other person. And you keep acting exactly the same
way that you're acting. So bring in the things that
you that you miss. Start being the person that makes
those changes, and hopefully your partner will join you in that.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yeah, it's like as a man, I know some guys
who when they complain about their partner not being as sexual,
or not being as spontaneous or not being I always go, well,
are you doing for her what she likes?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Are you?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Are you sitting and talking to her and listening to her,
Are you, you know, touching her and holding her in
a way that's not sexual and just loving? Are you
doing the things that she likes? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (17:10):
I think that you're absolutely right. In order for things
to be hot and spicy and still exciting in bed,
the foreplay has to start you know, throughout the day, Yeah,
with just you know, holding someone's hand, or leaning in
and kissing someone's neck, or just acknowledging something nice about
(17:33):
the other person, just you know, like you said, touching
the other person, or we kiss throughout the day and
we hold hands and we hug, and all that leads
up to you know, by the time you we.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Also talk about we tell each other how hot we
are for each other.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I think you can't stop doing that.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
That's important because.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
You're reminding each other that you still want each other,
and it's important and to somehow throughout the day every
day let each other know that you don't take them
for granted.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
This morning, we went to pilates, Yeah, and I was
sitting I was looking at you, and we were laying
next to each other beating our bodies up, and I
was so happy that I that you got me into that.
And then that's something that we do together as a couple.
And then we left and we were walking to the
car and you were in front of me, and I
was looking at you and I was objectifying you, and
(18:29):
I went, Wow.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
What a hot piece of ass you are.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Oh, I love you, and it's true.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
But you know, you need to keep that going. I
think that that's important. That's an important part to keeping
it hot and spicy, is you know, don't just be
hot and spicy when you're in.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Bed, exactly. That's a very that's very good.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Hot for each other all day long or every chance
you get.
Speaker 4 (18:53):
Obviously can't be all day long, but you know, when
you do have a chance to be loving or to
touch each other, give each other a kiss, a hug,
or just acknowledge that you're not taking the other person
for granted.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Exactly. This is a good one. I don't know the name,
but it's spa brat on my Instagram. After not being
in a relationship for three plus years, how do you
get back out there?
Speaker 2 (19:21):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (19:22):
I have the same question from Sandra, another person from
the last from the previous group of questions that we took,
and Sandra said, after being single for thirteen years, any
tips on how to trust again? So it's very similar
to that question. And you know this person said three years.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Three years, three plus years. You know, we both know
that you particularly know a couple of people who've been
out of the dating scene and out of the relationship
scene for years and years and years, and they have
sort of settled into their life alone, but they clearly
would love to, yeah, find someone or date or whatever.
(20:03):
So what do you say to people who've been off
the market for a long time.
Speaker 4 (20:10):
I think that the longer you are alone, the more
difficult it is for you to get back on the.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
Horse, so to speak. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
I think it's really important to just remember how to socialize.
It's really important to just remember how to be with
a person that you may be romantically interested in.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Yeah, whether it's a good point, like, think about how
many relationships started because you met someone through friends. You
were at a party, you were at a dinner, you
were at somebody's house, and that's how it happens.
Speaker 4 (20:47):
Absolutely, And I know these last you know, two years
have been really difficult on everyone. If you were single
when the pandemic started, it's been hell because you haven't
been able to date, you haven't been to go out
for a long time. And now people are just starting
to get back out there. Some people are too afraid
(21:09):
to even get back out there, so they're not back
on the dating scene. But you know, like this, this woman,
Saundra says, after being single for thirteen years, you know,
so three years can easily turn into thirteen.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Years or longer.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Don't make it a point to put yourself out there.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
So what does that mean? Put yourself out there for
I know what you mean, but.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Yeah, I click. I think.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
Opening yourself up to dating and to meeting people, not
necessarily meeting your next relationship, but meeting someone who you
may be interested in. I think that people put too
much pressure on a meeting or on a date, and
you can't think of the outcome. You have to just
(21:55):
give yourself a chance to get to know someone. Yeah,
that's all that a date is. It's just a conversation,
you know. It doesn't have to be about oh I
have now I have to sleep with this person and
I don't really like this person.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
And oh now I don't really like this person. How
do I tell them? Well, you just if you don't
like someone, you never see them again.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Right, But also, like you referenced the guy we met
a couple of nights ago, and he came to this
dinner with a woman friend. Yeah who I immediately thought
they were a couple, but they weren't. And they're both
single and they're both great friends. I don't know why
they're not together, who's not my business. But for whatever reason,
(22:38):
they're not a romantic couple. They're friends. But they must
have by putting themselves out there. That's how they're friends.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
And that's another thing, is like, don't play so much
pressure on it becoming the next thing. The more you
the more desperate you are to find the love of
your life, the more elusive I think it is.
Speaker 4 (22:59):
Yeah, I think we've said this before. You have to
get yourself to a good place where you're really happy
with your life. You're happy enough with your life that
you would welcome someone into your life. Just remember, don't
bring someone into your life who is going to bring
your life or your living circumstances or your lifestyle down.
(23:22):
Someone who is going to now be struggling or depending
on you for help, or someone who is broken and
now you need to fix them. That's not what you
want to do. It's up to everyone to get themselves
to a good place.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
I know that there are people who are wired in
a way that they feel they need to rescue people
and they but it's never good for you.
Speaker 4 (23:42):
But that's usually someone who needs to be rescued themselves.
If you feel like you need to. You're constantly finding
people who are broken.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
And you can't be rescued by someone else. You can
rescue yourself.
Speaker 4 (23:53):
So if your pattern is that you find people who
are just broken or not ready to be in a
relationship and you're trying to help, that's that's a reflection
of where you are with yourself. Other people are looking
at you and also thinking, oh, they're not really one
hundred percent either, you know, So bring yourself to one
hundred percent, and then you'll find someone who is pretty
(24:16):
much at that point as well in their life, and
then you can come together and have a nice time.
But you know, for the for the woman who said
after being single for thirteen years and she wants to
trust again, Look, it doesn't matter how long you've been single.
Trust is an issue. We all are hoping that we
can trust the person that we start seeing. But you
(24:38):
have to get to know people. And trust isn't something
that you can say, oh, now I trust people. No
trust case, trust has to be earned. Yes, trust is
not something that you ask for or look for. It
has to be earned. You know, the other people have
to earn your trust and you have to earn their trust.
(25:00):
It goes both ways, and the only way that you're
going to figure that out is by getting to know
each other, by spending time with each other without any pressure,
when without any attachment to the outcome. Give yourself, you know,
a few dates to get to know someone and just
say to yourself, if this doesn't turn into a romantic relationship,
(25:24):
maybe it'll just be a friendship.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
And a few people who want to get back out
there but are not. They're not terribly social, or they
have they have a very limited social circle. You're very
pro online dating, right.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
I'm totally for it.
Speaker 4 (25:37):
I haven't done it myself, but I think that if
I were single, especially through the pandemic at this point
in my life, I would give it a shot. I
think you have to be honest. I think you have to,
you know, do a little research on which site you
think is more appropriate for you, which one works best
for you. Maybe you have to try a few. But
(25:59):
that is the new way of meeting people. It's the
same thing as going to a bar and checking everybody
else who's at the bar out or you know, at
the party or whatever, and you get your eye on someone,
you see how they are. You may just say hello,
talk to them for.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
A little while. That's exactly what online dating is.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Yeah, so I've never I haven't asked you this. If
I ever did, it was ages ago. So you didn't
ever do the online dating. But you're you would be
open to it if we weren't together and you were
I think so. Yeah, Okay, you've said many times over
the years that you would never You've never asked a
(26:38):
guy out? No, would you now? No?
Speaker 4 (26:43):
But if you knew a guy, no, Only because not
that there's anything wrong with that. I think it's totally
fine to ask a man out. And I think, especially today,
men have kind of taken taken the hint and they
sit back and they wait for women to ask them.
Many men do. However, the men I have been interested in,
(27:04):
the men that I see myself, that I saw myself with,
was not the kind of man who was going to
sit around and wait for a woman to ask him out.
That's just not the kind of character that I am
attractive to. Now, with that said, it doesn't mean anything.
It's just one of my hang ups. It's just one
of my things. I prefer for the man to make
(27:28):
that move. That's just how I don't know. Maybe maybe
if I was still single, I would have changed my
mind on that, but I like for a man to
take that lead.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Initially.
Speaker 4 (27:45):
Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. That's just me and
my stupid old fashioned way of thinking.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
I know that you know.
Speaker 4 (27:53):
Many, many relationships that are great relationships start out with
a woman making that first time.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
So even though you feel that way personally, you would
gladly say to a friend who you didn't who you
knew wasn't hung up on that, ask him out.
Speaker 4 (28:08):
Sure, Yeah, I don't see why not. Okay, I don't
see why not. I mean unless you're like me, where
you appreciate the kind of man who would take the
lead on that.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
You know, I just I don't know.
Speaker 4 (28:22):
That's very personal. But you know, if you're online dating,
then you're putting yourself out there and you have to
make as much of a move as the other person,
or the very least respond. You know, if you're not
going to be the person to ask the man out,
or if you don't want to be the person to
ask to do the asking, because I mean it could
(28:44):
be you know, a same sex relationship and you just
still don't want to be the person to do the asking.
You want to be asked. Then it's all about putting
the right signals out there and letting that person know
that you would be open to dating or to getting
to know each other differently.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Yeah, I think before we move on to the next question,
I think it's really important. And I know we've hammered
this on several of our podcasts, but it's a really
important piece of advice people who are asking, you know,
how do I get back out there? How do I
find the right person? How do I That's all valid,
(29:23):
But the most important thing you can do is what
you've mentioned is setting up your life in a way
where if you do find someone to share that with
and you have a great time, wonderful, congratulations. But if
you don't, or if it takes a long time, in
(29:44):
the meantime, you're happy doing what you do. You have
your friends, you have your stuff that you like to do,
you have your your comfortable and happy being alone.
Speaker 4 (29:56):
The minute that happens, everything opens up for you. Yeah,
you start attracting people into your life.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
When I was single before I met you, I was
at a I was at a time in my life
where I was dating. I wasn't dating anyone exclusively. It
was just very casual, and I mostly did that just
so that I wouldn't forget how to relate to men. Yeah,
(30:27):
just so that I would remember what it's like to
socialize that way. And many times it didn't turn into
anything romance, Like many times, you know, we wouldn't even
kiss good night. It was just meeting somebody for drinks,
having good conversation, and then deciding whether you wanted to
have another date or not, or deciding whether this was
(30:48):
just going to be a friendship. You don't have to
go on every date, you know, tessing the person out, like,
is this going to be the next it's going to
be someone who wants.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
To marry me? You Yeah, you don't know.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
You don't know. So go into the dates, just as
if you're going on a date with a friend, just
as if you're going out to dinner with a friend.
Just get to know the person, get to know each
other and let your guard down, really show them who
you are, because if you start putting on errors and
being fake and you're so nervous that you can't be yourself,
(31:26):
then it's not fair because the person starts liking someone
who you are not. Yeah, I think it's really important
just to put yourself out there and you know, sure,
be nice, be.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Respectful, but be yourself.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (31:39):
And this way, you know that if that person calls
back and if you continue seeing each other, it's because
they really like the real you.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Yeah, that's great, You'll be right back after this short break. Okay, next,
this is again anybody's name, I can it's just a handle.
(32:09):
But this is a good question. How do you two
find a good balance of spending time together and spending
time apart. My husband and I have been together for
twenty four years, and we find that having time to
ourselves individually really makes the time we spend together that
much more valuable. Great question. And the first thing is,
(32:31):
if you haven't been told this, or if you're on
the fence about this, there is a major difference between
loving being alone and not wanting to be with your partner.
There's a huge difference. Yeah, and I'm fifty eight years old.
I've you know, I've always I'm an only child, so
(32:55):
I grew up alone. I grew up without siblings and
without a lot of friends. I spent a tremendous amount
of time alone, which it turns out served me really
well in my chosen profession because that's a real solitary thing,
creating songs and writing lyrics and so. But even aside
(33:18):
from that, I learned really early on to love my
own company, to be really comfortable being alone, to the
point where as you know, I crave it sometimes, and
it's got nothing to do with being away from you
or anyone else. It's got to do with just really
(33:39):
enjoying and needing time to be completely just with me.
Speaker 4 (33:46):
I think that is so important, and it's something that
the younger generation now has a real problem with. When
you and I were kids, and I mean I have
a younger sister, but we weren't close enough in age where
we hung out together all the time. So yeah, I
(34:07):
did spend a lot of time with myself, and so
did she. And we grew up at a time, as
did you, where our parents were busy and their entire
lives did not revolve around making a schedule for us
Jesus and finding things for us to do.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Kids are so scheduled now.
Speaker 4 (34:26):
So now kids are so scheduled that, you know, I
have a friend who at the beginning a couple of
friends actually with kids at different ages. You know, one
was nineteen and another one with a twelve year old,
who both said that the children went through so much
psychological trauma because they couldn't see their friends or have
(34:48):
their regular scheduled socializing that they really suffered emotionally and psychologically.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
And that's because.
Speaker 4 (34:59):
People aren't taught to just ever have downtime quiet time.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
So if you go through your entire life.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
With an entire schedule, a social schedule, a school schedule,
then a work schedule, and then a social schedule, and
the minute that that dies down and you have maybe
a day to yourself, you freak out, You pack, you
don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Yeah, that's awful.
Speaker 4 (35:24):
So for us, you know, it's really important for many
people to spend some time alone to do their own thing,
whether you know you have hobbies or reading, or whether
you have friends that you want to catch up with
that you don't always have to be in a couple situation,
you know, I think it's so important, and a lot
(35:45):
of times people who don't like their partner going off.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
And doing things on their own.
Speaker 4 (35:52):
I have to say that there might be a trust
issue there, because if you really trust the person who
you're with, and you love the person you want to
see them happy. You want them to do what they
want to do, what makes them happy. Yeah, whether that's
with or without you. If you're secure in your relationship,
then you need to allow room for each other to
(36:15):
do your own thing.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Yeah. I think that that balance is crucial. Like you
and I are together ninety eight percent of the time.
Speaker 4 (36:26):
Yeah, but that's because we were robbed of a lot
of time previously.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
But also because and this is important too, because there
are a lot of couples who don't who can't relate
to this or don't have this dynamic. But you and
I can be alone.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
In the same room.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
You're over there doing your thing. Yeah, I'm reading my shit,
I'm you know whatever.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
Yeah, I don't care what you're doing. You don't care
what I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
Yeah, it's like, and I know, technically that's not what
this person's talking about it. Yeah, but there is something
really valuable to that in a relationship as well.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
Yeah, to be to be physically together but also very.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Independent of each other, it's important. It's really important that said,
you know, you, once in a while have a girl's night,
or I'll go hang out with Matt or one of
my friends and I love when you do that or
when I do that, because then I can't wait to
hear about what you did, and you want to know
what we talked about.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
You know, a lot of times.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
It's difficult because couples get into a routine of going
out with other couples, and it's very difficult to find
couples where you both are close to.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
Both of them.
Speaker 1 (37:44):
Holy shit, is it hard? You know?
Speaker 4 (37:46):
And of course there are couples that you like and
that you you know, you all have a great time
when you go.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Out, but it doesn't always just have to be that.
Speaker 4 (37:53):
Sometimes, you know, you have relationships with friends that are
not part of a couple, and that doesn't mean that
you can and see them because they're not part of
a compy.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
You and I both have single friends, yeah, and to
hang out with.
Speaker 4 (38:05):
It's important for you to keep those friendships. And you know,
you have some friends that I just I'm not particularly
looking forward to getting to know them any further, Like
they're not my scene, but they're good friends of yours,
and you need to keep those relationships alive, right whether
(38:26):
or not I want to join that or not, you know,
And I think that keeping that individuality and even.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
Down to I mean, I don't know that you and
I have examples of this, but if we did, it
would be one hundred percent okay. Is to have interests
that are separate from each other totally. You know, if
I were into some activity that you were like, yeah,
I don't.
Speaker 4 (38:51):
Care, right, and then you go and you do that
on your own or with your friends. It also keeps
it more interesting because you have more things to talk about.
I think if you're constantly together and just doing the
same things all the time, then what do you have
to talk about if you're if there's nothing that you've
done on your own that you want to tell the
other person about. It's really important to keep your individuality,
(39:17):
and I know that that that changes quickly.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (39:20):
There are a lot of people who whose friends and
their friendships kind of fall out when they start dating
someone new, which is understandable at the beginning, but it's
important to take care of all your other relationships as
well as your romantic relationship or as well as your marriage.
You know, it can't it can't be just about the
(39:43):
two of you, because then you become an island and
that is putting way too much pressure on each other.
Speaker 2 (39:48):
I think it.
Speaker 4 (39:49):
Makes for a much more happy relationship when there are
outside interests and things to talk about, when there is
trust and like, I'm genuinely happy when you're doing things
that fulfill you, that make you happy, when you catch
up with your friends, and do.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
I miss you?
Speaker 4 (40:04):
Yeah, And sometimes I'm like, oh, I kind of wish
we were doing something today, But I love you so
much that.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
I want you to be happy. I want you to
do what you want to do. I don't want to
control what you do.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
Yeah, it's really important. Yeah, this is a you know,
switching to a really serious topic here for a second.
This person wants to know how does Daisy Flintest feel
when fans hug and kiss you and throw their panties
on the stage. Does it make you feel uncomfortable in
any way? First of all, at this stage, if I
(40:38):
get panties thrown up on stage, there depends top it.
I'm just saying, Okay, I had to just repeat that question.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
I've seen some thoughts.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
I just had to repeat that question. This is I
saw this a couple of times. This is Shanny, who
she and her sister come to have come to a
bunch of my gigs. She said, Hey, hotties, I like
her already have any advice for couples that have to
be long distance for weeks at a time. How do
(41:10):
you keep the trust and lust going without being able
to touch? How do you feel about long distance relationship?
Speaker 4 (41:16):
I think that that's a really tough one. If it's
a long distance relationship where you know that it's just
a limited amount of time, you know, but that person
is going to come back or you're going to go
and be with that person again, then I think a
good relationship can survive that. But if you met long
distance and you have a long distance relationship and you
(41:38):
have not met, that's not really a relationship, right. Or
if you've met only briefly for spirit any time together,
and now you've you're going on like a couple of
years of this, then you're both living separate lives and
I don't think that that ever works. You need to
(41:59):
spend time with each other other to know that you
can trust each other and to know whether you can
survive a bit of a long distance relationship. And again,
it's different for everyone. I'm sure there are people who
love that they have a long distance relationship. They because
they like spending time alone, or it just works for them,
(42:19):
or they're the type of personalities.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
But that's rare.
Speaker 4 (42:23):
I think for most relationships, you need to spend time together,
You need to really get to know each other and
be there for each other. If you live, you know,
in different time zones, or if you live really far
away from each other, all you have is FaceTime calls
(42:43):
and the you know, texting and emailing.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
That's that's really difficult.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
It also depends on what you want out of the
quotes relationship and the relationship definition is you know, depends
on that. It's very subjective. So I would say that, yeah,
I hear you. If you, if you, if you're classifying
it as a classic relationship where you're together and you're
a couple, then yeah, I agree with you. But there
(43:09):
are also relationships where it's casual and you do your thing.
Speaker 2 (43:16):
Oh sure, that's their thing.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
You hook up, you have fun sexually, you have fun conversations,
but you don't need to be together all the time.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
Right, And that's fine. But that's fine if both.
Speaker 4 (43:29):
Of you are aware that that's what it is, right,
Because if one person is thinking that at some point
something is going to change, those never really because Eventually,
someone is going to meet somebody in their town or
someone they work with, and they're just going to end
up spending more time with that person, get to know
that person better, and someone is going to be surprised
(43:54):
by that.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
You know.
Speaker 4 (43:56):
So I think as long as you understand each other
and you make it very very clear what's expected in
that relationship or how you see that relationship, and still
I think it's very difficult. I am not a fan
of long distance relationships. I've never seen one work.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Have you ever had one?
Speaker 2 (44:13):
No?
Speaker 4 (44:14):
No, I know people who have, and it works for
a little while. It works temporarily, but on a long
term basis, there are problems, problems always.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
I had one when I was really young, and it
was again, it was really exciting for the first ten minutes,
and then it was like, you can't. It's difficult, you
can't be Yeah, you can't get invested, you can't.
Speaker 4 (44:38):
I think the times have changed so much that where
people are so used to just communicating via socials and.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
Well it's also a little different technology you were younger,
in that you know, you have FaceTime, you have you
can really sort of be together without being together as
close as as close as you can come without actually
physically being together.
Speaker 4 (44:56):
Oh, it's definitely much better and much more doable. But
does it work long term?
Speaker 2 (45:01):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
I'm with you. Yeah, I thought this was a good
question too. Have you ever had a different Oh? This
is from Liz in London, who's wonderful. She's a big
supporter of both of ours. Liz McEwan, have you ever
had a different point of view that you haven't been
(45:23):
able to resolve? If you have, would you just agree
to disagree or more likely talk about it until you
reach a compromise, She said. I somehow I don't see
this being applicable to you guys, But you know, nothing important.
I don't think that you can agree to disagree about
something that's important. Yes, that's fundamentally important when it comes
(45:48):
to philosophies or opinions about things. First of all, you
and I agree about most everything.
Speaker 4 (45:55):
Yeah, And then when we don't agree on something, we
are two people who really should have been lawyers because
we can argue the shit out of anything.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
One hund Yes.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
And the first thing that comes to mind is we've
I think we've argued about it on this podcast. Is
the concept of karma yeah, you believe in karma. I don't, right,
and you have spent years trying to prove to me
that karma is real and that I'll go no, but
but then I'll give you example after example, and Daisy
(46:26):
does this fucking thing that drives me credule. We should go, well,
maybe that's just their karma, and I go, fuck you see.
Speaker 4 (46:34):
It when it comes to us, like, I love you
so much that I know that the right thing to
do is to just listen to your point.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
And I do and then just try to understand it.
Speaker 4 (46:45):
But when it comes to us, I just want to
convince you that I'm right.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
Right, let's do I Like, I don't like that you
disagree with me on anything, so I want you to
agree with me. Yes, there have been times when you've
convinced me. Yeah, and I think that I mean fewer,
but there have been a couple of times when I've
brought you to my side on certain things. But how
(47:10):
often that doesn't happen to us? Very often?
Speaker 4 (47:12):
And not, like you said, not with anything important. It
could never anything with things in the news, or with
social issues, or with things that are going on or
you know, and yeah, a lot of things based on
lifestyle or on self improvement, you know, because we read
a lot of self improvement type.
Speaker 1 (47:33):
We don't disagree on that stuff.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Well, sometimes you do.
Speaker 4 (47:35):
Sometimes I will be listening to someone You're like, that
guy's a dick, and then you won't hear anything that
I have to say, just because you've decided that the
guy's a dick based on like two things that I've
told you about, or whoever it is that I'm reading about.
Speaker 2 (47:47):
You know that that is telling me this.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
So I can be dismissive.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
You can be very.
Speaker 4 (47:51):
Dismissive, and that only challenges me even more to convince you.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
But I think part of in my defense and there's
no excuse for it, I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying.
I'm just explaining. I think that I've done so much
work and reading on that topic a lot thanks to
you because you and you introduced me to some amazing
writers and and uh Phis philosophers and speakers and people
(48:19):
with amazing ideology about how we should be as you know,
how we can be better, and how we can be better.
That I've gotten to the point where you got to
come up with something really unique now because I know,
I know it all. I know it all. I get
(48:40):
it all.
Speaker 2 (48:40):
Do you do you really?
Speaker 1 (48:42):
I'm saying, I obviously don't know it all, but I
know most of it. And so when somebody hits me
with something that I find to be kind of rudimentary
and I've heard that, I read that in eleven other books.
Speaker 4 (48:54):
Yes there is that, I get it. But sometimes there
is something that registers differently. Yeah, I have read books,
and you got to stay open. You got to stay open.
The minute that you think that you know it all
and that you've heard it all is the minute you
start dying. That's the minute you're done. So, yes, I
know that a lot of things are set. I know
(49:16):
that a lot of things you know are said in
different ways and it's the same thing. They're saying the
same thing. But sometimes you have to receive it differently.
Sometimes it's how you receive it and what you make
out of what you're reading. It will mean different things
to you in different stages.
Speaker 2 (49:31):
Of your life.
Speaker 1 (49:32):
That's true.
Speaker 4 (49:33):
And sometimes you read something where ninety five percent of
it is shit that you're either not interested in or
that you've already read and already understand. But there will
be a few of the things. There is that five
percent that that person has to say or the way
they're explaining something that hits you differently and changes a
(49:54):
little something in you or makes you a little bit better,
or it's something that you put into practice your daily
life that benefits you.
Speaker 2 (50:02):
You have to remain open to that. You can't.
Speaker 4 (50:05):
The minute you think that, it's like, oh, well, then
I'm set in my way. Is I know everything I'm
going to know. No one has anything new to tell me.
You don't ever want to think like that. But I
see how it's I see how it's easy to think.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
And also my experience, which you know, I have to
remind myself with this. My experience is it's never, not never.
But it's really the huge concepts that someone will lay
on me that makes me wake up. It's the little
simple things. It's just like you said, it's like taking
(50:38):
a thought or a concept that we know and twisting
it or turning it in their own way just a
little bit so that you go, oh, I never thought
about it that way. Yeah, So yeah, you got to
stay open. Yeah, but we're really lucky that way. We don't.
We don't disagree about much.
Speaker 4 (50:55):
Yeah, and it's okay.
Speaker 1 (50:58):
How I dry my hair with a towel.
Speaker 2 (51:00):
Well, we already fix that. You're doing it correctly now,
thank you, Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1 (51:09):
We have a couple more questions, but I'm gonna be honest.
I've been craving a motherfucking impossible burger today and we've
done fifteen minutes. And we can always come back to
more questions later, but we need to go. I need
to go down the street to this great place that
we love and get an impossible.
Speaker 2 (51:30):
Well that's a very professional of you.
Speaker 1 (51:32):
Well, no, we did the work.
Speaker 2 (51:34):
I'm down. Let's go.
Speaker 1 (51:35):
Yes, you guys, we really appreciate you listening and your support,
and we will see you guys next week. Be safe
and healthy.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
Bye, take care of each other.
Speaker 3 (51:46):
Thanks for listening to Tequila Talk with Daisy Puentez and
Richard Marx. Download new episodes every week, and if you
haven't already, subscribe and be sure to leave.
Speaker 1 (51:54):
Us a rating and review.
Speaker 3 (51:55):
And while you're at it, check out some of the
other great shows available on straw Hut.
Speaker 4 (51:58):
Meetia
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