December 11, 2023 • 20 mins
Ever feel like you're at the mercy of others' expectations, especially during this bustling holiday season? This episode is a guide through the empowering process of setting boundaries that will forever change the landscape of your relationships for the better.
This week's episode peels back the layers of why personal inventory is pivotal and how we can take charge of the way we're treated and respond to others. It's not just about being treated right; it's about responding right. We'll discuss interpersonal dynamics with a particular focus on handling the energy-draining and unsolicited conversations that can spike, especially during holiday gatherings.
Armed with a step-by-step process, we'll learn to articulate our values, give ourselves the permission to uphold them, and communicate these boundaries with clarity and respect.
I'm looking forward to sharing stories and strategies that will bolster your self-care and self-love practices. And as we look ahead, get ready to mark your calendars for next Monday – we'll continue this vital conversation by delving deeper into the practice of setting personal boundaries that nurture the life you dream of.
Join our community in fostering a lifestyle of empowerment and respect, and together let's embrace the power of establishing clear and respectful boundaries that support our well-being.
------------------------------
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'd say it is the most mindful and kind version of
self-discipline.
Hello, my loves, and welcome tothe Purposeful Lifestyle
Development Podcast, where wediscuss all things thought, work
and manifestation, but we useneuroscience and the study of
the brain to do so.
I'm your host, tessa Spiezak.
(00:24):
I'm a board certifiedpractitioner, master, life and
health coach and seasonedexecutive speaker.
If you're ready to create yourhighest value lifestyle and turn
your dream life into a reality,you're in the right place.
Let's get right in to today'sepisode.
Hello, hello, my loves, andwelcome back to the Purposeful
Lifestyle Development Podcast.
(00:45):
As you know, I so appreciateyou spending your time with me
here and I'm honored to be partof your journey.
Whether you tune in everysingle week or this is the first
time you are joining thisconversation, if you haven't
done so, make sure that you hitsubscribe so that you never lose
part of our chat and, honestly,I am so excited to talk about
(01:06):
this today.
I think this is a perfect timeto do so, especially with most
folks coming up on some kind ofholiday season right now.
That might mean maybe you'regoing to be around some people
that you have differentrelationships with, or even if
it's just the fact that we'recoming up on the end of the year
, it seems like a really greattime to discuss this, and it's
(01:29):
following the theme that we'vebeen going with for the last few
weeks, which is really justkeeping some personal inventory
taken, some inventory, and thatjust means being really really
mindful of what's going on withus, of course, focusing on
adding more of the things thatfill us up, bring us light,
bring us good, and getting clearon what we want to clear out
(01:54):
right Some of the things thatdon't serve us so much and that
we really just don't love.
So I've actually been thinkingabout this specific topic for a
while now and I haven't beenable to get the exact words
together behind it in a way tomake a really meaningful podcast
.
But today, just as many goodthoughts come to us, it hit me a
(02:18):
good shower thought and itclicked, so I immediately came
to record this.
I'm so excited and it's aboutthe topic that I know is covered
a lot.
But this is in a different wayand it's about, as you see in
the title, our boundaries and,like I said, I know there's been
a lot of conversations aroundsetting boundaries with other
(02:38):
people and I am going to touchon that, but I want to go deeper
.
So, even if you feel thatyou're really really good at
setting boundaries in your life,if you maintain really healthy,
successful boundaries with yourpersonal relationships, that's
wonderful, but I do stillsuggest that you stick around,
because I've got somethingreally juicy for you.
Whether you're new to kind ofsetting these boundaries, you're
(03:01):
starting it out, maybe have afew, or you're an expert, your
boundaries are perfect.
Coming out with me here today,this is going to be a really
good chat.
So, with all of that being said, regardless if we are boundary
setting champions or not, we allknow that they are important.
Boundaries really help determinewhat is okay and what is not
okay in a relationship, and whenI say relationship, I don't
(03:24):
just mean romantic.
This could be your friends,partners, coworkers, bosses or
people that you just interactwith on a regular basis, and, of
course, your romantic partnerthat, too, someone you're dating
, all of it.
But boundaries with everyone,when needed, are great because
they essentially help establishguidelines for both how you
(03:47):
expect to be treated and how youengage with people, the people
that you are creating an ongoingrelationship with and, of
course, these people should haveboundaries, too.
Boundaries they protecteverybody.
So they're good things.
Like I said, they help keep ourrelationships healthy.
We make sure that there's asense of mutual respect that
works for each person and, ifyou ask me I think that's the
(04:11):
sake of a healthy relationshipis some sense of mutual benefit
you're gaining from being, fromaround this person.
You both are, and that's thebeauty of it.
But the most important rule ofboundaries and we know it, it's
that boundaries are not foranyone other than you.
Your boundaries are about youand now they're not rules that
(04:33):
you're imposing on anyone, right?
This isn't some weird ideawhere I'm trying to tell you to
put rules on people for how theycan communicate or act around
you.
That's not the case.
It doesn't work if you'retrying to tell someone what they
can or cannot do as a rule, butboundaries instead are just
informing people what and howyou will respond to certain IFU.
(04:56):
That's all.
So sometimes we do have to setboundaries in or usually, I
would think, in situations again, that keep us safe, that keep
us away from negative things.
So, for example, tellingsomeone hey, you can't speak to
me that way, that's not aboundary.
I mean that has a time and aplace.
Sure, I'm not saying don't saythat, but telling someone hey,
(05:19):
if you speak to me in thatmanner whether it's name calling
, yelling, derogatory,derogatory, excuse me, whatever
if you speak to me in thatmanner, I will in the
conversation I'll leave, or insome cases, you know, I'll just
never engage in conversationwith you again if you keep this
up.
It has to be that far right,depending on what relationship
(05:40):
this is.
Or say here's another examplethat I think we've all been
through.
One of you are beloved friends.
You love them unconditional,right, but they are just being a
negative nilly and they'recalling you very frequently to
complain about the happenings inyour life.
That kind of bring in you downalong with them.
We love them, but when they dothis, I said, their energy is
(06:03):
bringing us down.
Maybe it's to the point wherejust seeing their name on your
phone is kind of giving you thatjolt of anxiety.
You may love them and you wantto really continue this
relationship, but you know theway that they communicate with
you right now is activelypushing you away and you don't
want to talk like that anymore.
You want to have your friend.
So I obviously don't advisethat you would say something
(06:27):
like don't call me and complainanymore, because obviously
that's not a good friend move.
Or doing something like you haveto ask me if I have the
headspace before you dump thison me, which again that's kind
of mean vernacular and I know noone would really say that maybe
it's getting closer.
But to set a healthy boundaryin a way that empowers you both
(06:48):
and allows you to both makeclear decisions is maybe saying
something like babe, I reallyreally appreciate how close
we've gone, how much you trustme with this information and how
open you are with me.
But, friend, if you need tovent to me, I'm going to need
you to give me a heads up,because if I don't have the
headspace at the time, I reallycan't do it.
(07:09):
I'm going to have to get offthe phone.
Or again, if it is more seriousbecause I know some folks have
even been talking with me in ourone on one sessions about
sometimes really seriousboundaries that's why I'm trying
to give this range here ismaybe saying something like I
really love and value ourfriendship, but I feel like the
majority of the time that wetalk, you are being so negative
(07:31):
and it feels like a constantnegativity and I am personally
really trying to work on mypositivity, or increasing my
vibe, or changing the way that Ithink, or whatever your
vernacular is, whatever it isthat you're going through what
your values are and just explainto them, and whatever way that
is, is that, hey, I love you, Ivalue our friendship, but I can
(07:54):
no longer be around this type ofconversation.
You can totally tell them whyor why not, but let them know
what will happen.
I won't be able to talk to youlike this anymore, or whatever
the case may be.
So now, last example, justbecause, again, like I said
earlier, for a lot of folkswe're coming up on holiday time
and this is when I wasspecifically asked about
(08:14):
recently is what?
If there is someone who has ahabit of giving you unsolicited
advice, we'll call it instead ofresponding to them with stop
telling me what to do all thetime, which is clearly usually
not the right answer, especiallyif it's well-meaning family or
(08:37):
what I'm trying to get at there,but maybe even saying I'm doing
my best.
Please stop telling me how todo this.
Maybe that's a little kinder,but it's not boundary setting.
Maybe a proper boundary herecould be.
Hey, I really do understandthat you have great intentions
and I appreciate your help.
(08:58):
However, this discussion here.
I'm not willing to do thisanymore.
I'm literally happy to talk toyou about whatever else, but I'm
not able to have thisconversation with you and again,
if necessary, really adding onwhatever that consequence will
be if they don't follow thatboundary and say, fill in the
blank, maybe I'll have to leavethis event if you do that, or
(09:22):
our relationship might have tochange.
In this way, you get the drillhere.
So, overall, I know those mighthave been kind of intense
examples but, like I said,that's specific ones that I've
been asked lately, so I thoughtthat would be great examples for
us to give in this chat.
But overall, the things thatmake something a boundary are
One that it's empowering.
(09:43):
It's something that serves youin a way that you need to be
comfortable or safe or fill inthe blank, and again, from both
parties.
But also, your boundaries areabout you.
It's not about anyone else.
It's about your response tosomething, your response to an
action and, again, how you wouldrespond.
(10:04):
Third, condition of a boundaryis that you can enforce it
because the response is in yourcontrol.
And fourth, if the boundary isviolated, if someone doesn't
stick to it or honor it.
You've already explained whatwill happen.
This isn't punishment, thisisn't being rude.
This is if you talked to methis way, I'm going to leave the
(10:26):
conversation.
This is if you fill in theblank.
I am going to do this, sothere's a clear cut answer there
and you're able to just moveforward.
So again, boundaries areempowering.
They're about you and theyleave you in the driver's seat
to make the decision about whathappens in response to certain
actions or certain stimuli orwhatever.
(10:49):
And doing a little research, Isaw something that said this is
actually an image clip, so I'mjust going to read it and it
says what a boundary is versuswhat a boundary is not.
A boundary is centered on yourown needs, your own thoughts and
your own behaviors.
It's protecting your finiteenergy and resources, and it's a
(11:10):
way to invite others to loveyou too.
Ooh, I love that.
What a boundary is not and thisis kind of what I've been
talking about here too is it'snot centered around someone
else's thoughts, actions orbehaviors.
It's not about changing theother person's behaviors, even
and again ooh, I love this lastone on this side as well.
(11:31):
The boundary is not is walls tokeep loved ones out and it's
not one size fits all.
It is what it is.
Ooh, I like that a lot.
So a boundary is a way toinvite others to love you and it
is not a way to keep walls out,and it's not one size fits all.
I like that a lot and I knowyou've heard a lot of different
(11:51):
ways or methods of figuring outreally what your boundaries
should be and if there's anyarea that you need to set them.
I know there's a lot of ways wecan do it, but what I believe is
the most simple, cut and dryanswer is this it's three steps.
One, get clear on what yourvalues are, your true, honest
values.
What do you want out of acertain relationship and what
(12:14):
type of relationship would bevaluable to both you and that
other person?
Is there something specificthat this relationship needs to
entail or specifically does notentail Kind of more so, like
we've been talking about, like aline that cannot be crossed.
So first get clear on what yourvalues are.
Then, second, once you'veestablished those values and
(12:38):
what you want out of it,actually give yourself
permission to want that out ofyour relationship or partnership
.
One of the biggest problems Isee with people in boundary
setting and building thatboundary setting skill is
knowing what their boundariesare and where they would like to
set them, but never actuallycommunicating them or not
(13:00):
communicating them in ameaningful way.
Again, people aren't mindreaders.
So I just want you to know ifyou haven't set boundaries in
whatever this relationship is,you probably don't have
boundaries.
If you're not specific aboutwhat your boundaries include or
exclude, it really just causes alot of confusion for both of
you.
We don't know how we need toshow up for each other.
(13:23):
So they're really importantthere.
And the third step so get clearon what you want, give yourself
permission to have thoseboundaries and communicate them.
And three is be consistent.
You have to make yourboundaries known and stick to it
.
If you don't stick to it, theboundary has essentially lost
its meaning and it won't workbecause you're showing that it's
(13:45):
not actually a boundary, it'sjust something that's a little
flexible.
Maybe it's a preference, right,which the nice people, the
people that love us, right?
They're going to show up forour preferences too.
But again, boundaries areimportant.
So being for real about it andkeeping it clear.
If you're going back and forthon it, then it's not an
effective boundary and againcreates a lot of confusion for
(14:08):
you and the person you're inrelationship with.
And that was kind of a lot, butI think that gives us a really
good overview exactly what youneed to know of why.
We want to be clear on bothwhat our boundaries are, but
also how to set them, and here'sthe crucial part allowing the
same respect in the oppositedirection, meaning other
(14:30):
people's boundaries of us right.
But here's the thing I want youto consider.
This is the shower thoughtcoming through.
We just had to get through allof the important parts of a
boundary first, but do you havehealthy, strategic boundaries
that honor you, your mentalhealth, for bettering your own
(14:55):
relationship with you?
We talk about how boundariesare meant to create strong,
healthy relationships with allof those around us, but what
about strong and healthyrelationships that are the most
important one, the relationshipswe have with ourselves?
And I think some signs.
(15:15):
If we see this popping up inour lives, this might be a sign
that we might need to tighten upour boundaries with ourselves.
It could be something like thisyou know, when your life just
feels like a lack structure,maybe it feels like certain
aspects of our life or thethings that are so important to
us, they just feel like they'refalling through the cracks.
(15:37):
Maybe certain aspects of ourroutine really need tightening
up, like maybe we need to getour finances are in check, or
something in physical health,nutrition we have to work on a
piece of our mental health.
Maybe our vices are taking abit too strong of a hold.
You know scrolling when itdoesn't feel good anymore,
(15:58):
having a drink, even when yousaid you probably weren't, or a
big one.
This is, I think, one of thebiggest signs is if you find
yourself having a pretty similaror almost the exact same
thought at the end or the startof each day.
That's like I wish I didn't dothat, or I wish I finally did do
(16:18):
that, and that one's repeatingover and over and over Maybe
it's been days, weeks, months,sometimes even years Then that's
a big clue that it's time toset some boundaries with you on
that thing as well.
I mean setting boundaries withyourself.
I'd say it is the most mindfuland kind version of self
(16:40):
discipline.
I'd honestly say it's anessential part of our self care,
our self love.
It's just like establishingguidelines or maybe even limits
on our own actions, behaviorsand habits, just like keeping
our relationships with othershealthy and thriving.
I'm telling you my loves.
The answer is also to set themwith you.
(17:01):
Setting boundaries withyourself really helps prioritize
your own needs, your own valuesand your well being, not above
or against anyone else.
To be clear, we're all aboutour love pouring onto others,
overflowing love onto othersaround us around here.
It's all about giving yourselflove and intentional boundaries
(17:22):
just to make sure that you'redoing that successfully.
Whatever you're pouring ontoyou is what is spilling onto the
people you love.
So the more good you pour ontoyou, the more good your entire
environment gets.
I'd say when we're good atsetting or forming boundaries
with ourselves, that's whatreally establishes the framework
for a balanced and healthy life.
(17:45):
It absolutely can preventburnout or help prevent burnout,
and hello.
In today's world that is soimportant.
But having boundaries with youare key and if you stick to it,
as we know, we might have torefer to the science of
happiness episode, but when westick to these things, it makes
us happier.
Our brain loves it.
(18:05):
When we complete a task andmove in the direction that
brings us excitement and joyturns into the reward center of
the brain and it wants more ofit again, hacking our brain to
get back on our sides.
So sorry, I have a littletangent there, but that's what I
want you to think about thisweek.
Have you set boundaries withyourselves in terms of where you
are in life or where you'd liketo go, maybe in this upcoming
(18:28):
year?
Do the boundaries that you dohave with yourself, do they need
some adjusting?
Is there an area that you couldbenefit from just giving a
little bit more attention?
In what ways could this makeyou feel good?
And we're all about feelingbetter, moving into the
lifestyle that we want and thatwe deserve.
So, especially if this resonatedwith you, keep in mind, keep it
(18:51):
in mind throughout the week.
Take some intentional inventoryon how you're feeling, on how
you're acting or what you'redoing, making sure or checking
in.
Do I feel powerful?
Do I feel like I'm in controlof these scenarios?
And next week, make sure youcome back to our conversation
and maybe ready to take a fewnotes, because we're going to be
mapping out how you can havethat check in with you.
(19:15):
And if you need a little bitmore muscle behind the
boundaries that you set withyourself, make sure you don't
miss it, because we'll be goingthere too, but let me say I'm so
proud of everyone who is partof this conversation today.
Thank you for taking time,however, or wherever you're
listening from, to just spendsome intentional time thinking
about how you show up for thepeople in your relationships,
(19:36):
how you are having people showup for you, and, as I said, next
week we'll dive into more ofhow you can set boundaries with
yourself in the name of selfcare and self love, and all of
my love to each and every one ofyou.
But all right, my loves, that'swhere I'll leave us today.
I want to thank you so much forjoining in on this conversation
(19:58):
with me, and each week, everyMonday, we're going to be
posting a new episode, going alittle bit deeper into the
conversation, of what you can doto train your brain on purpose
to really allow for thelifestyle that you want to live.
Until next time, my loves.
In the meantime, here's to yourhealth and your happiness.
I'd say it is the most mindful and kind version of
self-discipline.
Hello, my loves, and welcome tothe Purposeful Lifestyle
Development Podcast, where wediscuss all things thought, work
and manifestation, but we useneuroscience and the study of
the brain to do so.
I'm your host, tessa Spiezak.
(00:24):
I'm a board certifiedpractitioner, master, life and
health coach and seasonedexecutive speaker.
If you're ready to create yourhighest value lifestyle and turn
your dream life into a reality,you're in the right place.
Let's get right in to today'sepisode.
Hello, hello, my loves, andwelcome back to the Purposeful
Lifestyle Development Podcast.
(00:45):
As you know, I so appreciateyou spending your time with me
here and I'm honored to be partof your journey.
Whether you tune in everysingle week or this is the first
time you are joining thisconversation, if you haven't
done so, make sure that you hitsubscribe so that you never lose
part of our chat and, honestly,I am so excited to talk about
(01:06):
this today.
I think this is a perfect timeto do so, especially with most
folks coming up on some kind ofholiday season right now.
That might mean maybe you'regoing to be around some people
that you have differentrelationships with, or even if
it's just the fact that we'recoming up on the end of the year
, it seems like a really greattime to discuss this, and it's
(01:29):
following the theme that we'vebeen going with for the last few
weeks, which is really justkeeping some personal inventory
taken, some inventory, and thatjust means being really really
mindful of what's going on withus, of course, focusing on
adding more of the things thatfill us up, bring us light,
bring us good, and getting clearon what we want to clear out
(01:54):
right Some of the things thatdon't serve us so much and that
we really just don't love.
So I've actually been thinkingabout this specific topic for a
while now and I haven't beenable to get the exact words
together behind it in a way tomake a really meaningful podcast
.
But today, just as many goodthoughts come to us, it hit me a
(02:18):
good shower thought and itclicked, so I immediately came
to record this.
I'm so excited and it's aboutthe topic that I know is covered
a lot.
But this is in a different wayand it's about, as you see in
the title, our boundaries and,like I said, I know there's been
a lot of conversations aroundsetting boundaries with other
(02:38):
people and I am going to touchon that, but I want to go deeper
.
So, even if you feel thatyou're really really good at
setting boundaries in your life,if you maintain really healthy,
successful boundaries with yourpersonal relationships, that's
wonderful, but I do stillsuggest that you stick around,
because I've got somethingreally juicy for you.
Whether you're new to kind ofsetting these boundaries, you're
(03:01):
starting it out, maybe have afew, or you're an expert, your
boundaries are perfect.
Coming out with me here today,this is going to be a really
good chat.
So, with all of that being said, regardless if we are boundary
setting champions or not, we allknow that they are important.
Boundaries really help determinewhat is okay and what is not
okay in a relationship, and whenI say relationship, I don't
(03:24):
just mean romantic.
This could be your friends,partners, coworkers, bosses or
people that you just interactwith on a regular basis, and, of
course, your romantic partnerthat, too, someone you're dating
, all of it.
But boundaries with everyone,when needed, are great because
they essentially help establishguidelines for both how you
(03:47):
expect to be treated and how youengage with people, the people
that you are creating an ongoingrelationship with and, of
course, these people should haveboundaries, too.
Boundaries they protecteverybody.
So they're good things.
Like I said, they help keep ourrelationships healthy.
We make sure that there's asense of mutual respect that
works for each person and, ifyou ask me I think that's the
(04:11):
sake of a healthy relationshipis some sense of mutual benefit
you're gaining from being, fromaround this person.
You both are, and that's thebeauty of it.
But the most important rule ofboundaries and we know it, it's
that boundaries are not foranyone other than you.
Your boundaries are about youand now they're not rules that
(04:33):
you're imposing on anyone, right?
This isn't some weird ideawhere I'm trying to tell you to
put rules on people for how theycan communicate or act around
you.
That's not the case.
It doesn't work if you'retrying to tell someone what they
can or cannot do as a rule, butboundaries instead are just
informing people what and howyou will respond to certain IFU.
(04:56):
That's all.
So sometimes we do have to setboundaries in or usually, I
would think, in situations again, that keep us safe, that keep
us away from negative things.
So, for example, tellingsomeone hey, you can't speak to
me that way, that's not aboundary.
I mean that has a time and aplace.
Sure, I'm not saying don't saythat, but telling someone hey,
(05:19):
if you speak to me in thatmanner whether it's name calling
, yelling, derogatory,derogatory, excuse me, whatever
if you speak to me in thatmanner, I will in the
conversation I'll leave, or insome cases, you know, I'll just
never engage in conversationwith you again if you keep this
up.
It has to be that far right,depending on what relationship
(05:40):
this is.
Or say here's another examplethat I think we've all been
through.
One of you are beloved friends.
You love them unconditional,right, but they are just being a
negative nilly and they'recalling you very frequently to
complain about the happenings inyour life.
That kind of bring in you downalong with them.
We love them, but when they dothis, I said, their energy is
(06:03):
bringing us down.
Maybe it's to the point wherejust seeing their name on your
phone is kind of giving you thatjolt of anxiety.
You may love them and you wantto really continue this
relationship, but you know theway that they communicate with
you right now is activelypushing you away and you don't
want to talk like that anymore.
You want to have your friend.
So I obviously don't advisethat you would say something
(06:27):
like don't call me and complainanymore, because obviously
that's not a good friend move.
Or doing something like you haveto ask me if I have the
headspace before you dump thison me, which again that's kind
of mean vernacular and I know noone would really say that maybe
it's getting closer.
But to set a healthy boundaryin a way that empowers you both
(06:48):
and allows you to both makeclear decisions is maybe saying
something like babe, I reallyreally appreciate how close
we've gone, how much you trustme with this information and how
open you are with me.
But, friend, if you need tovent to me, I'm going to need
you to give me a heads up,because if I don't have the
headspace at the time, I reallycan't do it.
(07:09):
I'm going to have to get offthe phone.
Or again, if it is more seriousbecause I know some folks have
even been talking with me in ourone on one sessions about
sometimes really seriousboundaries that's why I'm trying
to give this range here ismaybe saying something like I
really love and value ourfriendship, but I feel like the
majority of the time that wetalk, you are being so negative
(07:31):
and it feels like a constantnegativity and I am personally
really trying to work on mypositivity, or increasing my
vibe, or changing the way that Ithink, or whatever your
vernacular is, whatever it isthat you're going through what
your values are and just explainto them, and whatever way that
is, is that, hey, I love you, Ivalue our friendship, but I can
(07:54):
no longer be around this type ofconversation.
You can totally tell them whyor why not, but let them know
what will happen.
I won't be able to talk to youlike this anymore, or whatever
the case may be.
So now, last example, justbecause, again, like I said
earlier, for a lot of folkswe're coming up on holiday time
and this is when I wasspecifically asked about
(08:14):
recently is what?
If there is someone who has ahabit of giving you unsolicited
advice, we'll call it instead ofresponding to them with stop
telling me what to do all thetime, which is clearly usually
not the right answer, especiallyif it's well-meaning family or
(08:37):
what I'm trying to get at there,but maybe even saying I'm doing
my best.
Please stop telling me how todo this.
Maybe that's a little kinder,but it's not boundary setting.
Maybe a proper boundary herecould be.
Hey, I really do understandthat you have great intentions
and I appreciate your help.
(08:58):
However, this discussion here.
I'm not willing to do thisanymore.
I'm literally happy to talk toyou about whatever else, but I'm
not able to have thisconversation with you and again,
if necessary, really adding onwhatever that consequence will
be if they don't follow thatboundary and say, fill in the
blank, maybe I'll have to leavethis event if you do that, or
(09:22):
our relationship might have tochange.
In this way, you get the drillhere.
So, overall, I know those mighthave been kind of intense
examples but, like I said,that's specific ones that I've
been asked lately, so I thoughtthat would be great examples for
us to give in this chat.
But overall, the things thatmake something a boundary are
One that it's empowering.
(09:43):
It's something that serves youin a way that you need to be
comfortable or safe or fill inthe blank, and again, from both
parties.
But also, your boundaries areabout you.
It's not about anyone else.
It's about your response tosomething, your response to an
action and, again, how you wouldrespond.
(10:04):
Third, condition of a boundaryis that you can enforce it
because the response is in yourcontrol.
And fourth, if the boundary isviolated, if someone doesn't
stick to it or honor it.
You've already explained whatwill happen.
This isn't punishment, thisisn't being rude.
This is if you talked to methis way, I'm going to leave the
(10:26):
conversation.
This is if you fill in theblank.
I am going to do this, sothere's a clear cut answer there
and you're able to just moveforward.
So again, boundaries areempowering.
They're about you and theyleave you in the driver's seat
to make the decision about whathappens in response to certain
actions or certain stimuli orwhatever.
(10:49):
And doing a little research, Isaw something that said this is
actually an image clip, so I'mjust going to read it and it
says what a boundary is versuswhat a boundary is not.
A boundary is centered on yourown needs, your own thoughts and
your own behaviors.
It's protecting your finiteenergy and resources, and it's a
(11:10):
way to invite others to loveyou too.
Ooh, I love that.
What a boundary is not and thisis kind of what I've been
talking about here too is it'snot centered around someone
else's thoughts, actions orbehaviors.
It's not about changing theother person's behaviors, even
and again ooh, I love this lastone on this side as well.
(11:31):
The boundary is not is walls tokeep loved ones out and it's
not one size fits all.
It is what it is.
Ooh, I like that a lot.
So a boundary is a way toinvite others to love you and it
is not a way to keep walls out,and it's not one size fits all.
I like that a lot and I knowyou've heard a lot of different
(11:51):
ways or methods of figuring outreally what your boundaries
should be and if there's anyarea that you need to set them.
I know there's a lot of ways wecan do it, but what I believe is
the most simple, cut and dryanswer is this it's three steps.
One, get clear on what yourvalues are, your true, honest
values.
What do you want out of acertain relationship and what
(12:14):
type of relationship would bevaluable to both you and that
other person?
Is there something specificthat this relationship needs to
entail or specifically does notentail Kind of more so, like
we've been talking about, like aline that cannot be crossed.
So first get clear on what yourvalues are.
Then, second, once you'veestablished those values and
(12:38):
what you want out of it,actually give yourself
permission to want that out ofyour relationship or partnership
.
One of the biggest problems Isee with people in boundary
setting and building thatboundary setting skill is
knowing what their boundariesare and where they would like to
set them, but never actuallycommunicating them or not
(13:00):
communicating them in ameaningful way.
Again, people aren't mindreaders.
So I just want you to know ifyou haven't set boundaries in
whatever this relationship is,you probably don't have
boundaries.
If you're not specific aboutwhat your boundaries include or
exclude, it really just causes alot of confusion for both of
you.
We don't know how we need toshow up for each other.
(13:23):
So they're really importantthere.
And the third step so get clearon what you want, give yourself
permission to have thoseboundaries and communicate them.
And three is be consistent.
You have to make yourboundaries known and stick to it
.
If you don't stick to it, theboundary has essentially lost
its meaning and it won't workbecause you're showing that it's
(13:45):
not actually a boundary, it'sjust something that's a little
flexible.
Maybe it's a preference, right,which the nice people, the
people that love us, right?
They're going to show up forour preferences too.
But again, boundaries areimportant.
So being for real about it andkeeping it clear.
If you're going back and forthon it, then it's not an
effective boundary and againcreates a lot of confusion for
(14:08):
you and the person you're inrelationship with.
And that was kind of a lot, butI think that gives us a really
good overview exactly what youneed to know of why.
We want to be clear on bothwhat our boundaries are, but
also how to set them, and here'sthe crucial part allowing the
same respect in the oppositedirection, meaning other
(14:30):
people's boundaries of us right.
But here's the thing I want youto consider.
This is the shower thoughtcoming through.
We just had to get through allof the important parts of a
boundary first, but do you havehealthy, strategic boundaries
that honor you, your mentalhealth, for bettering your own
(14:55):
relationship with you?
We talk about how boundariesare meant to create strong,
healthy relationships with allof those around us, but what
about strong and healthyrelationships that are the most
important one, the relationshipswe have with ourselves?
And I think some signs.
(15:15):
If we see this popping up inour lives, this might be a sign
that we might need to tighten upour boundaries with ourselves.
It could be something like thisyou know, when your life just
feels like a lack structure,maybe it feels like certain
aspects of our life or thethings that are so important to
us, they just feel like they'refalling through the cracks.
(15:37):
Maybe certain aspects of ourroutine really need tightening
up, like maybe we need to getour finances are in check, or
something in physical health,nutrition we have to work on a
piece of our mental health.
Maybe our vices are taking abit too strong of a hold.
You know scrolling when itdoesn't feel good anymore,
(15:58):
having a drink, even when yousaid you probably weren't, or a
big one.
This is, I think, one of thebiggest signs is if you find
yourself having a pretty similaror almost the exact same
thought at the end or the startof each day.
That's like I wish I didn't dothat, or I wish I finally did do
(16:18):
that, and that one's repeatingover and over and over Maybe
it's been days, weeks, months,sometimes even years Then that's
a big clue that it's time toset some boundaries with you on
that thing as well.
I mean setting boundaries withyourself.
I'd say it is the most mindfuland kind version of self
(16:40):
discipline.
I'd honestly say it's anessential part of our self care,
our self love.
It's just like establishingguidelines or maybe even limits
on our own actions, behaviorsand habits, just like keeping
our relationships with othershealthy and thriving.
I'm telling you my loves.
The answer is also to set themwith you.
(17:01):
Setting boundaries withyourself really helps prioritize
your own needs, your own valuesand your well being, not above
or against anyone else.
To be clear, we're all aboutour love pouring onto others,
overflowing love onto othersaround us around here.
It's all about giving yourselflove and intentional boundaries
(17:22):
just to make sure that you'redoing that successfully.
Whatever you're pouring ontoyou is what is spilling onto the
people you love.
So the more good you pour ontoyou, the more good your entire
environment gets.
I'd say when we're good atsetting or forming boundaries
with ourselves, that's whatreally establishes the framework
for a balanced and healthy life.
(17:45):
It absolutely can preventburnout or help prevent burnout,
and hello.
In today's world that is soimportant.
But having boundaries with youare key and if you stick to it,
as we know, we might have torefer to the science of
happiness episode, but when westick to these things, it makes
us happier.
Our brain loves it.
(18:05):
When we complete a task andmove in the direction that
brings us excitement and joyturns into the reward center of
the brain and it wants more ofit again, hacking our brain to
get back on our sides.
So sorry, I have a littletangent there, but that's what I
want you to think about thisweek.
Have you set boundaries withyourselves in terms of where you
are in life or where you'd liketo go, maybe in this upcoming
(18:28):
year?
Do the boundaries that you dohave with yourself, do they need
some adjusting?
Is there an area that you couldbenefit from just giving a
little bit more attention?
In what ways could this makeyou feel good?
And we're all about feelingbetter, moving into the
lifestyle that we want and thatwe deserve.
So, especially if this resonatedwith you, keep in mind, keep it
(18:51):
in mind throughout the week.
Take some intentional inventoryon how you're feeling, on how
you're acting or what you'redoing, making sure or checking
in.
Do I feel powerful?
Do I feel like I'm in controlof these scenarios?
And next week, make sure youcome back to our conversation
and maybe ready to take a fewnotes, because we're going to be
mapping out how you can havethat check in with you.
(19:15):
And if you need a little bitmore muscle behind the
boundaries that you set withyourself, make sure you don't
miss it, because we'll be goingthere too, but let me say I'm so
proud of everyone who is partof this conversation today.
Thank you for taking time,however, or wherever you're
listening from, to just spendsome intentional time thinking
about how you show up for thepeople in your relationships,
(19:36):
how you are having people showup for you, and, as I said, next
week we'll dive into more ofhow you can set boundaries with
yourself in the name of selfcare and self love, and all of
my love to each and every one ofyou.
But all right, my loves, that'swhere I'll leave us today.
I want to thank you so much forjoining in on this conversation
(19:58):
with me, and each week, everyMonday, we're going to be
posting a new episode, going alittle bit deeper into the
conversation, of what you can doto train your brain on purpose
to really allow for thelifestyle that you want to live.
Until next time, my loves.
In the meantime, here's to yourhealth and your happiness.
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