May 8, 2023 • 19 mins
Did you read that right?? YES! But with reason, I promise.
In today's conversation, I'm talking about my surprise vacation (definitely have NEVER done anything like this before) I am sharing relationship advice I've gathered from complete strangers! But ... why?
As my husband and I started getting ready to celebrate our wedding and engagement anniversaries this year, I found myself on an accidental journey of sorts.
I found myself collecting wisdom from people in long-lasting relationships and marriages, and honestly, it got juicy! I'm so excited to share what I heard and learned with you. And these definitely aren't the boring "just communicate well" answers.
I also share my personal experiences, favorite pieces of advice, and the theory that shaped my view on "emotional bids" in a relationship. So let's chat -- today we're intentionally choosing to nurture and cultivate our best love (because we deserve it!)
---
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Reach me: info@purposefullifestyledevelopment.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It only takes a second and it makes you so much
more emotionally, intimatelyconnected.
Hello, my loves, and welcome tothe Purposeful Lifestyle
Development Podcast, where wediscuss all things thought, work
and manifestation, but we useneuroscience and the study of
the brain to do so.
I'm your host, tessa Spiezeck.
(00:22):
I'm a board certifiedpractitioner, master, life and
health coach and seasonedexecutive speaker.
If you're ready to create yourhighest value lifestyle and turn
your dream life into a reality,you're in the right place.
Let's get right into today'sepisode.
Hello, hello, my loves.
Welcome back to another episodehere on the Purposeful
(00:43):
Lifestyle Development Podcast.
Thank you so much for spendingyour time with me here today.
However, and wherever you arelistening in from If you're new
here, of course don't forget tohit subscribe so that you never
miss part of our conversationhere.
And, as you see from the title,i am not the only one giving
advice today.
Today, we are talking aboutrelationship advice from
(01:07):
strangers.
Yes, and let me explain to youwhy.
So I have been over the lastfew weeks collecting advice
sorry, i guess we could say evenover the last few months very
specifically collecting advicefrom people who have been
married for a long time.
(01:28):
And I'll explain to you kind ofwhat this is and what I mean.
So I had this idea about littlebefore last March when my very
first wedding anniversary wascoming up.
So the last maybe two and ahalf months or so because you
know your big life, things likethat it just becomes part of the
conversation.
We'd find ourselves outchatting with people, maybe in a
(01:51):
restaurant, like picture.
The host asks oh, what are youcelebrating?
We say anniversary.
The couple next to us makessmall talks as congrats, that
type of thing, or shopping foranniversary outfits, like what
you're going to wear that day,and the gal checking you out is
like oh, what's this occasionfor?
You say your anniversary, getto chatting, that type of thing.
(02:12):
And we've even had a little bitwider range of time for this
conversation to happen betweenus and strangers over the last
few months, because not only didwe celebrate our wedding
anniversary March 26th but we'realso celebrating our engagement
anniversary here on May 11th,so just in a few days here,
(02:37):
because we are getting ready fora trip.
Not only is it my birthday butit's my engagement anniversary
and I don't know where we'regoing.
My husband, joe, planned thesurprise getaway and I guess
I'll know where we're going.
When we get to the airport I amso beyond excited.
I have never done somethinglike this go somewhere that I
(02:59):
don't even know where I'm going.
All I know is he said bringyour beach clothes, be beach
ready.
So I've been packing little bylittle over the last few months.
It feels like it's so excitingand different and such a huge
blessing And, of course, theprivilege to be able to do this.
So of course, that's kind ofwhat I'm getting at.
Not only were we talking aboutour wedding engagement coming up
(03:24):
, but also our anniversaryengagement coming up, because
it's on my birthday.
We'll be on a trip.
So we've been having theseconversations just surrounding
love and anniversaries andrelationships And honestly I'll
just side note here I am soexcited I have no idea what to
expect.
Joe proposed on my birthday twoyears ago in Antigua And that
(03:47):
was a surprise too He plannedthis birthday champagne photo
shoot around the island.
You can see those in my socialmedias And then when we got back
to shore, he had everything setup.
We walked up to this big heartrose in the sand.
He popped the question.
I said yes, a really romanticdinner on the beach was great.
So, celebrating our two yearanniversary of our engagement on
(04:12):
the beach somewhere, so I'lllet you know when we get back.
But in the case, a little funlife update as we go along with
explaining why I've had thisconversation so much lately.
But I noticed that when I asked,for whatever reason, it just
happened to be that a lot of thepeople that this happened with
would follow up with oh, we'vebeen married 25 years, 35 years,
(04:35):
like really long termpartnerships, marriages, very
impressive.
They got to know somethingright.
So I was asking you know like,oh hey, so you've been at this a
long time.
What's the best advice you gotfor me?
And the first person I askedyou know it was normal, it's
what you'd expect.
Just always be kind, supporteach other.
(04:55):
Nothing profound, but nice tohear lovely little reminders.
So I kind of picked it up as mypolite conversation piece since
, like I said, it's beenhappening, my nice little small
talk, so that me and this randomperson could just both have a
lovely exchange.
We know people love to talkabout themselves, so giving a
person permission to do that isa good, humanly thing to do, in
(05:17):
my opinion, and I know all ofthis chatting with strangers
could be super foreign to somepeople listening.
I know some cultures definitelydo not do that, but I live in
the South, i live in Texas andprobably too, because I'm a
coach, i don't know.
I guess I just have a veryapproachable face or body
(05:38):
posture or something, becausepeople are always talking to me
right.
But I got some really goodanswers and I really want to
share them with you guys, and,of course, i'm going to add my
thoughts on my favorite too.
So let me know what you thinkAnd if you have any really good
marriage relationship, whateveradvice that you want to share
with the class, please do So.
(05:59):
Here are some of the ones that Iheard the most that just really
sat with me well And, like Isaid, i'll give you my notes.
So to start, i know that youknow most people said
communication, blah, blah, blah.
Right, we know that's a goodone.
But this one older gentlemanthat I met said it's not just
communication, it's being areally good, active listener,
(06:23):
not just giving your partner aminute to speak and then you
talk at them, but hear them.
And I love that, because it'salways been a little weird to me
that the one that people alwaysgo to is communication.
But, frankly, not everyone's agood communicator, right?
My answer has always beenrespect, because if you respect
(06:45):
someone, then you willcommunicate well with them.
You will be better with them,by default, you know.
But I really liked that it wasso specific, because being an
active listener is differentthan just communicating.
Active listening is acommunication skill, yes, but it
involves going way beyondsimply hearing the words that
(07:07):
another person is speaking.
But the goal in activelistening is to understand the
meaning and the intent behindwhat the person is saying, not
just the words they're using.
It requires being an activeparticipant in the communication
process.
It's not just communicating.
I mean people can communicateby shouting and cursing at each
(07:29):
other, but having goodcommunication needs active
listening.
This includes being fullypresent in the conversation.
This is showing interestthrough your body language,
facials, good eye contact,nodding to show that you
understand all of that.
It's noticing and using thosenonverbal cues.
(07:50):
It's asking open-endedquestions to encourage your
partner to go deeper with theirresponses, rather than just
trying to answer or respond toyourself.
It's letting them work throughit.
It's paraphrasing andreflecting back what's been said
to you to make sure that you'reon the same page.
(08:10):
It's not judging and it'swithholding any advice you might
have unless they ask for it,and then being super thorough
with your word choice.
The big one, everyone's favorite, really good one.
Listen it to understand ratherthan to just respond.
I know it's not always easy.
(08:32):
I'm a coach and a practitioner.
A big part of my job is to bereally good at that with my
patients and clients.
But even though it's a skilland even if you practice it,
it's harder to do with someonethat you're so close to, like
your spouse or your partner.
If you're already finishingeach other's sentences half the
(08:52):
time, it's really easy to have atendency to feel like you
already know what they need, youalready know how they feel, you
know what they're thinking, butit's a really good reminder
that we can't know.
So listen, be respectful inyour communication.
I love that.
The next one is kind of atwo-parter and we got a lot of
(09:15):
choose your battles wisely, buton two ends of the spectrum.
So few iterations of that one,but here are the main two points
on each end.
Firstly, don't let yourmolehills become mountains.
There are times where we findsomething small that kind of
bothers us or makes us feel bad,that we don't want to say
(09:37):
anything or don't know how tosay anything kind of back to our
communication point.
And that thing grows and growsuntil it's a real problem.
And it makes me think of thatstory, that article that went
pretty viral in the last fewyears.
It was called She Divorced MeBecause I Left the Dishes by the
Sync.
It wasn't a big deal to me whenI was married, but it's a big
(10:01):
deal to her.
It's by Matthew Frey, who'stalking about how he used to not
understand why his wife lefthim, thinking that it was
something as simple as notcleaning the dishes.
And of course we know that itcouldn't have just been that
right May have been what brokethe camel's back which finally
led her to file, but that's notwhat did it.
(10:23):
And he says he's got a reallygood point here.
I'm going to read a littleexcerpt.
He said there's only one reasonI will ever stop leaving my
glass by the sink A lesson Ilearned much too late because I
love and respect my partner andit really matters to her.
That's it.
I understand that when I leavethe glass there, it hurts her,
(10:44):
literally, causes her pain,because it feels to her like I
just said hey, i don't respectyou.
I don't value your thoughts andopinions.
I'm not going to take the fourseconds it takes to put my glass
in the dishwasher, because myfour seconds is more important
than you are.
And all of a sudden it's notabout something as benign and
(11:06):
meaningless as a dirty dish.
Now it's a meaningful act oflove and sacrifice.
And really, four seconds, thatdoesn't seem like the kind of
thing too big for the person whosacrifices to me daily.
I don't have to understand whyshe cares so much about the
stupid glass.
I just have to understand andrespect that she does.
(11:26):
Then I understood.
Caring about her equals puttingthe glass in the dishwasher.
Caring about her equals keepingyour laundry off the floor.
Caring about her equalsthoughtfully not tracking dirt
or whatever on the floor shejust worked so hard to clean.
Caring about her equals hey,babe, is there anything I can do
(11:48):
today Or pick up on my way homethat will make your life better
?
Caring about her is a millionlittle things that say I love
you more than speaking thosewords can ever Ugh.
So so good.
So basically, what it's talkingabout is he finally understands
.
Wife did not just leave him forthe dirty dishes in the sink, it
(12:11):
was because she needed moresupport and help from him,
needed involvement, and that actbegan to represent disrespect,
lack of love, all of thesethings.
So she left him.
And now I know that was a longexample, but the other end of
the pendulum here is we gottastill pick wisely.
(12:34):
You can't turn everything youdon't love about your partner in
that exact instance into aproblem or into a fight.
You have to be willing to letyour partner be a growing,
changing, evolving human beingwho is not perfect, and you have
to commit to loving all of themas they change, as they grow,
(12:57):
even if they get the weird hobbyright.
You have to be committed tothat And don't fight on the
things that don't matter, thatwon't matter in the long run.
And there's this old little ruleof thumb that works for both
ends of this that I really like,and it's just asking yourself
honestly what happens if I do ordon't address this.
(13:19):
Will this cause a betterlong-term future?
Do I need to bring it up orrequest this of my partner?
Is this something I should justlet roll off my back?
and it doesn't need to be a bigdeal Just keeping those
parameters in line.
It's really easy when we get socomfortable with someone to
(13:40):
just say anything that pops intoour heads or air any slight
grievance, but keep them in mindand keep what is important in
mind when bringing up thesetypes of conversations.
So for my next one, i got to adda little note here and just for
all of this caveat, i think youall know this but please be
aware, in this conversationtoday, i'm talking about safe,
(14:03):
healthy, decent relationships.
Anyone in an abusive or unsafesituation that is not the
conversation that we are havingtoday Please use your resources
and get safe.
If that is you, i had to throwthis out there because my next
advice does not apply to thesefolk.
But for the healthy, saferelationships that you want to
(14:26):
grow in, nurture, especially ifyou're married, don't speak
about divorce, don't use thatword, don't discuss it, don't
joke about it, don't think aboutit, don't fantasize about it
when you're fighting right, andI totally agree with this one We
definitely don't do that.
That is a hard set boundary forboth of us in our relationship.
Never, ever, use that word.
(14:48):
Never have, never will.
Really, if you start to evenjust joke about it or play with
it, it starts to normalize it inyour brain and that is not
something you want to becomfortable with, especially if
you want to be like these folkswho are celebrating 30, 40 plus
years together.
If you want that, yourfantasies need to be about
fixing any problems or hurdlesand visualizing you guys in the
(15:12):
healthy, wonderful relationshipthat you know you can have, not
fantasizing about you withoutthem.
Again, safe, healthyrelationships only.
Does this apply?
Okay, but my last one, this oneis my absolute favorite and
I'll explain.
but it's to be engaged what theother one cares about.
(15:32):
Engage in their bids forattention.
I remember way back when hearingabout the bird watcher bird bid
theory years and years ago, andI thought it was so profound,
so good and it was so veryheavily imprinted on me, fully,
since the first time I read it,and it was something that I was
very mindful of in my own dating, so I was really happy to get
(15:55):
this advice.
So what is this?
if you don't know about thebird bid theory, it's by a man
named John Gottman, who coinedwhat he calls bids for
connections, which are reallyjust requests from one partner
to another to connectemotionally.
And he explains it this waythroughout the day, partners
(16:17):
would make requests forconnections.
What Gottman calls bids For theexample.
The husband is a bird enthusiast, has been for years and he
notices a gold finch fly acrossthe yard.
He looks and says to his wifelook at this beautiful bird
outside.
He's not just commenting on thebird here, he's requesting a
(16:38):
response from his wife, a signof interest or support, hoping
that they'll connect, howevermomentarily, over this bird.
Now the wife has a choice.
She can respond by eitherturning toward or turning away
from her husband's bid.
As he puts it.
Even though this bird bid mightsound really minor and really
(17:02):
silly, like nothing, it canactually reveal a lot about the
health of the relationship.
The husband thought that thebird was important enough to
bring up in the conversation andthe question is whether or not
his wife realizes and respectsthat.
And as part of his research onthis, he conducted a study with
newlyweds and then followed upon them six years later.
(17:24):
Many of them were stilltogether, many of them were
divorced.
But what he found statistically?
that the couples who stayedmarried were much better at just
one thing The percent of timesthey turned inward rather than
away.
At the six-year follow-up,couples that stayed married were
(17:46):
the ones that turned towardseach other 86% of the time, such
such good stuff.
So care about your partner'sinterest.
If they love them, you lovethem.
If y'all are a unit, i thinkthat's so, so great.
Just that simple littleengagement of excitement is
enough to really help keep yourspark.
(18:07):
So what we've gathered fromthis information, all the advice
we've been getting over thelast few months, is Communicate
respectfully, with activelistening.
Choose your battles wisely.
Is it worth fighting over or dowe let it go?
Be clear on what answer servesyou best.
If you don't want a divorce,don't let it be a reality in
(18:32):
conversation or really even inthought.
And, lastly, engage with theirbids for attention.
Give them that love, give themthat attention.
It only takes a second and itmakes you so much more
emotionally, intimatelyconnected.
So good, go out there.
Go love on your honey, love onyour partner.
(18:54):
Keep on loving.
Love hard, love strong.
It's what the world needs.
And love on you too.
Today, don't forget that.
But all right, my loves, that'swhere I'll leave us today.
I want to thank you so much forjoining in on this conversation
with me, and each week, everyMonday, we're going to be
posting a new episode, going alittle bit deeper into the
conversation of what you can doto train your brain on purpose
(19:18):
to really allow for thelifestyle that you want to live.
Until next time, my loves.
In the meantime, here's to yourhealth and your happiness.
It only takes a second and it makes you so much
more emotionally, intimatelyconnected.
Hello, my loves, and welcome tothe Purposeful Lifestyle
Development Podcast, where wediscuss all things thought, work
and manifestation, but we useneuroscience and the study of
the brain to do so.
I'm your host, tessa Spiezeck.
(00:22):
I'm a board certifiedpractitioner, master, life and
health coach and seasonedexecutive speaker.
If you're ready to create yourhighest value lifestyle and turn
your dream life into a reality,you're in the right place.
Let's get right into today'sepisode.
Hello, hello, my loves.
Welcome back to another episodehere on the Purposeful
(00:43):
Lifestyle Development Podcast.
Thank you so much for spendingyour time with me here today.
However, and wherever you arelistening in from If you're new
here, of course don't forget tohit subscribe so that you never
miss part of our conversationhere.
And, as you see from the title,i am not the only one giving
advice today.
Today, we are talking aboutrelationship advice from
(01:07):
strangers.
Yes, and let me explain to youwhy.
So I have been over the lastfew weeks collecting advice
sorry, i guess we could say evenover the last few months very
specifically collecting advicefrom people who have been
married for a long time.
(01:28):
And I'll explain to you kind ofwhat this is and what I mean.
So I had this idea about littlebefore last March when my very
first wedding anniversary wascoming up.
So the last maybe two and ahalf months or so because you
know your big life, things likethat it just becomes part of the
conversation.
We'd find ourselves outchatting with people, maybe in a
(01:51):
restaurant, like picture.
The host asks oh, what are youcelebrating?
We say anniversary.
The couple next to us makessmall talks as congrats, that
type of thing, or shopping foranniversary outfits, like what
you're going to wear that day,and the gal checking you out is
like oh, what's this occasionfor?
You say your anniversary, getto chatting, that type of thing.
(02:12):
And we've even had a little bitwider range of time for this
conversation to happen betweenus and strangers over the last
few months, because not only didwe celebrate our wedding
anniversary March 26th but we'realso celebrating our engagement
anniversary here on May 11th,so just in a few days here,
(02:37):
because we are getting ready fora trip.
Not only is it my birthday butit's my engagement anniversary
and I don't know where we'regoing.
My husband, joe, planned thesurprise getaway and I guess
I'll know where we're going.
When we get to the airport I amso beyond excited.
I have never done somethinglike this go somewhere that I
(02:59):
don't even know where I'm going.
All I know is he said bringyour beach clothes, be beach
ready.
So I've been packing little bylittle over the last few months.
It feels like it's so excitingand different and such a huge
blessing And, of course, theprivilege to be able to do this.
So of course, that's kind ofwhat I'm getting at.
Not only were we talking aboutour wedding engagement coming up
(03:24):
, but also our anniversaryengagement coming up, because
it's on my birthday.
We'll be on a trip.
So we've been having theseconversations just surrounding
love and anniversaries andrelationships And honestly I'll
just side note here I am soexcited I have no idea what to
expect.
Joe proposed on my birthday twoyears ago in Antigua And that
(03:47):
was a surprise too He plannedthis birthday champagne photo
shoot around the island.
You can see those in my socialmedias And then when we got back
to shore, he had everything setup.
We walked up to this big heartrose in the sand.
He popped the question.
I said yes, a really romanticdinner on the beach was great.
So, celebrating our two yearanniversary of our engagement on
(04:12):
the beach somewhere, so I'lllet you know when we get back.
But in the case, a little funlife update as we go along with
explaining why I've had thisconversation so much lately.
But I noticed that when I asked,for whatever reason, it just
happened to be that a lot of thepeople that this happened with
would follow up with oh, we'vebeen married 25 years, 35 years,
(04:35):
like really long termpartnerships, marriages, very
impressive.
They got to know somethingright.
So I was asking you know like,oh hey, so you've been at this a
long time.
What's the best advice you gotfor me?
And the first person I askedyou know it was normal, it's
what you'd expect.
Just always be kind, supporteach other.
(04:55):
Nothing profound, but nice tohear lovely little reminders.
So I kind of picked it up as mypolite conversation piece since
, like I said, it's beenhappening, my nice little small
talk, so that me and this randomperson could just both have a
lovely exchange.
We know people love to talkabout themselves, so giving a
person permission to do that isa good, humanly thing to do, in
(05:17):
my opinion, and I know all ofthis chatting with strangers
could be super foreign to somepeople listening.
I know some cultures definitelydo not do that, but I live in
the South, i live in Texas andprobably too, because I'm a
coach, i don't know.
I guess I just have a veryapproachable face or body
(05:38):
posture or something, becausepeople are always talking to me
right.
But I got some really goodanswers and I really want to
share them with you guys, and,of course, i'm going to add my
thoughts on my favorite too.
So let me know what you thinkAnd if you have any really good
marriage relationship, whateveradvice that you want to share
with the class, please do So.
(05:59):
Here are some of the ones that Iheard the most that just really
sat with me well And, like Isaid, i'll give you my notes.
So to start, i know that youknow most people said
communication, blah, blah, blah.
Right, we know that's a goodone.
But this one older gentlemanthat I met said it's not just
communication, it's being areally good, active listener,
(06:23):
not just giving your partner aminute to speak and then you
talk at them, but hear them.
And I love that, because it'salways been a little weird to me
that the one that people alwaysgo to is communication.
But, frankly, not everyone's agood communicator, right?
My answer has always beenrespect, because if you respect
(06:45):
someone, then you willcommunicate well with them.
You will be better with them,by default, you know.
But I really liked that it wasso specific, because being an
active listener is differentthan just communicating.
Active listening is acommunication skill, yes, but it
involves going way beyondsimply hearing the words that
(07:07):
another person is speaking.
But the goal in activelistening is to understand the
meaning and the intent behindwhat the person is saying, not
just the words they're using.
It requires being an activeparticipant in the communication
process.
It's not just communicating.
I mean people can communicateby shouting and cursing at each
(07:29):
other, but having goodcommunication needs active
listening.
This includes being fullypresent in the conversation.
This is showing interestthrough your body language,
facials, good eye contact,nodding to show that you
understand all of that.
It's noticing and using thosenonverbal cues.
(07:50):
It's asking open-endedquestions to encourage your
partner to go deeper with theirresponses, rather than just
trying to answer or respond toyourself.
It's letting them work throughit.
It's paraphrasing andreflecting back what's been said
to you to make sure that you'reon the same page.
(08:10):
It's not judging and it'swithholding any advice you might
have unless they ask for it,and then being super thorough
with your word choice.
The big one, everyone's favorite, really good one.
Listen it to understand ratherthan to just respond.
I know it's not always easy.
(08:32):
I'm a coach and a practitioner.
A big part of my job is to bereally good at that with my
patients and clients.
But even though it's a skilland even if you practice it,
it's harder to do with someonethat you're so close to, like
your spouse or your partner.
If you're already finishingeach other's sentences half the
(08:52):
time, it's really easy to have atendency to feel like you
already know what they need, youalready know how they feel, you
know what they're thinking, butit's a really good reminder
that we can't know.
So listen, be respectful inyour communication.
I love that.
The next one is kind of atwo-parter and we got a lot of
(09:15):
choose your battles wisely, buton two ends of the spectrum.
So few iterations of that one,but here are the main two points
on each end.
Firstly, don't let yourmolehills become mountains.
There are times where we findsomething small that kind of
bothers us or makes us feel bad,that we don't want to say
(09:37):
anything or don't know how tosay anything kind of back to our
communication point.
And that thing grows and growsuntil it's a real problem.
And it makes me think of thatstory, that article that went
pretty viral in the last fewyears.
It was called She Divorced MeBecause I Left the Dishes by the
Sync.
It wasn't a big deal to me whenI was married, but it's a big
(10:01):
deal to her.
It's by Matthew Frey, who'stalking about how he used to not
understand why his wife lefthim, thinking that it was
something as simple as notcleaning the dishes.
And of course we know that itcouldn't have just been that
right May have been what brokethe camel's back which finally
led her to file, but that's notwhat did it.
(10:23):
And he says he's got a reallygood point here.
I'm going to read a littleexcerpt.
He said there's only one reasonI will ever stop leaving my
glass by the sink A lesson Ilearned much too late because I
love and respect my partner andit really matters to her.
That's it.
I understand that when I leavethe glass there, it hurts her,
(10:44):
literally, causes her pain,because it feels to her like I
just said hey, i don't respectyou.
I don't value your thoughts andopinions.
I'm not going to take the fourseconds it takes to put my glass
in the dishwasher, because myfour seconds is more important
than you are.
And all of a sudden it's notabout something as benign and
(11:06):
meaningless as a dirty dish.
Now it's a meaningful act oflove and sacrifice.
And really, four seconds, thatdoesn't seem like the kind of
thing too big for the person whosacrifices to me daily.
I don't have to understand whyshe cares so much about the
stupid glass.
I just have to understand andrespect that she does.
(11:26):
Then I understood.
Caring about her equals puttingthe glass in the dishwasher.
Caring about her equals keepingyour laundry off the floor.
Caring about her equalsthoughtfully not tracking dirt
or whatever on the floor shejust worked so hard to clean.
Caring about her equals hey,babe, is there anything I can do
(11:48):
today Or pick up on my way homethat will make your life better
?
Caring about her is a millionlittle things that say I love
you more than speaking thosewords can ever Ugh.
So so good.
So basically, what it's talkingabout is he finally understands
.
Wife did not just leave him forthe dirty dishes in the sink, it
(12:11):
was because she needed moresupport and help from him,
needed involvement, and that actbegan to represent disrespect,
lack of love, all of thesethings.
So she left him.
And now I know that was a longexample, but the other end of
the pendulum here is we gottastill pick wisely.
(12:34):
You can't turn everything youdon't love about your partner in
that exact instance into aproblem or into a fight.
You have to be willing to letyour partner be a growing,
changing, evolving human beingwho is not perfect, and you have
to commit to loving all of themas they change, as they grow,
(12:57):
even if they get the weird hobbyright.
You have to be committed tothat And don't fight on the
things that don't matter, thatwon't matter in the long run.
And there's this old little ruleof thumb that works for both
ends of this that I really like,and it's just asking yourself
honestly what happens if I do ordon't address this.
(13:19):
Will this cause a betterlong-term future?
Do I need to bring it up orrequest this of my partner?
Is this something I should justlet roll off my back?
and it doesn't need to be a bigdeal Just keeping those
parameters in line.
It's really easy when we get socomfortable with someone to
(13:40):
just say anything that pops intoour heads or air any slight
grievance, but keep them in mindand keep what is important in
mind when bringing up thesetypes of conversations.
So for my next one, i got to adda little note here and just for
all of this caveat, i think youall know this but please be
aware, in this conversationtoday, i'm talking about safe,
(14:03):
healthy, decent relationships.
Anyone in an abusive or unsafesituation that is not the
conversation that we are havingtoday Please use your resources
and get safe.
If that is you, i had to throwthis out there because my next
advice does not apply to thesefolk.
But for the healthy, saferelationships that you want to
(14:26):
grow in, nurture, especially ifyou're married, don't speak
about divorce, don't use thatword, don't discuss it, don't
joke about it, don't think aboutit, don't fantasize about it
when you're fighting right, andI totally agree with this one We
definitely don't do that.
That is a hard set boundary forboth of us in our relationship.
Never, ever, use that word.
(14:48):
Never have, never will.
Really, if you start to evenjust joke about it or play with
it, it starts to normalize it inyour brain and that is not
something you want to becomfortable with, especially if
you want to be like these folkswho are celebrating 30, 40 plus
years together.
If you want that, yourfantasies need to be about
fixing any problems or hurdlesand visualizing you guys in the
(15:12):
healthy, wonderful relationshipthat you know you can have, not
fantasizing about you withoutthem.
Again, safe, healthyrelationships only.
Does this apply?
Okay, but my last one, this oneis my absolute favorite and
I'll explain.
but it's to be engaged what theother one cares about.
(15:32):
Engage in their bids forattention.
I remember way back when hearingabout the bird watcher bird bid
theory years and years ago, andI thought it was so profound,
so good and it was so veryheavily imprinted on me, fully,
since the first time I read it,and it was something that I was
very mindful of in my own dating, so I was really happy to get
(15:55):
this advice.
So what is this?
if you don't know about thebird bid theory, it's by a man
named John Gottman, who coinedwhat he calls bids for
connections, which are reallyjust requests from one partner
to another to connectemotionally.
And he explains it this waythroughout the day, partners
(16:17):
would make requests forconnections.
What Gottman calls bids For theexample.
The husband is a bird enthusiast, has been for years and he
notices a gold finch fly acrossthe yard.
He looks and says to his wifelook at this beautiful bird
outside.
He's not just commenting on thebird here, he's requesting a
(16:38):
response from his wife, a signof interest or support, hoping
that they'll connect, howevermomentarily, over this bird.
Now the wife has a choice.
She can respond by eitherturning toward or turning away
from her husband's bid.
As he puts it.
Even though this bird bid mightsound really minor and really
(17:02):
silly, like nothing, it canactually reveal a lot about the
health of the relationship.
The husband thought that thebird was important enough to
bring up in the conversation andthe question is whether or not
his wife realizes and respectsthat.
And as part of his research onthis, he conducted a study with
newlyweds and then followed upon them six years later.
(17:24):
Many of them were stilltogether, many of them were
divorced.
But what he found statistically?
that the couples who stayedmarried were much better at just
one thing The percent of timesthey turned inward rather than
away.
At the six-year follow-up,couples that stayed married were
(17:46):
the ones that turned towardseach other 86% of the time, such
such good stuff.
So care about your partner'sinterest.
If they love them, you lovethem.
If y'all are a unit, i thinkthat's so, so great.
Just that simple littleengagement of excitement is
enough to really help keep yourspark.
(18:07):
So what we've gathered fromthis information, all the advice
we've been getting over thelast few months, is Communicate
respectfully, with activelistening.
Choose your battles wisely.
Is it worth fighting over or dowe let it go?
Be clear on what answer servesyou best.
If you don't want a divorce,don't let it be a reality in
(18:32):
conversation or really even inthought.
And, lastly, engage with theirbids for attention.
Give them that love, give themthat attention.
It only takes a second and itmakes you so much more
emotionally, intimatelyconnected.
So good, go out there.
Go love on your honey, love onyour partner.
(18:54):
Keep on loving.
Love hard, love strong.
It's what the world needs.
And love on you too.
Today, don't forget that.
But all right, my loves, that'swhere I'll leave us today.
I want to thank you so much forjoining in on this conversation
with me, and each week, everyMonday, we're going to be
posting a new episode, going alittle bit deeper into the
conversation of what you can doto train your brain on purpose
(19:18):
to really allow for thelifestyle that you want to live.
Until next time, my loves.
In the meantime, here's to yourhealth and your happiness.
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