July 19, 2021 • 21 mins
Had a recent bout of anger come out and I decided to dive in to see where it came from.
Like most problems in our life, this one stemmed from an overall feeling of not being good enough.
Instead of addressing it, I projected these negative feelings and insecurities onto someone I love.
Freedom comes when we own these weaker parts of ourself craving attention and care.
Through self compassion, forgiveness and care I can stop putting so much pressure on myself and start paying attention my needs.
Instead of blaming the world for my problems and pushing them onto the people around me, I can become a psychologically complete human being.
In this case I get to recognize that I am an imperfect human being, doing the damn best I can out here.
So are you.
Let's own these parts of our psyche so they no longer ruin our life.
No matter how we grew or what we observed, we are responsible for our actions moving forward.
Own this fact and we become free.
Tune in to see if you might be doing the same thing as me.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:04):
Welcome to the action hour. My name is Jesse Simpson
and I believe there's never beena better time in the history of
the world to be alive. I'm on amission to bring you the
insights, ideas and inspirationyou need to uncover your
greatness and take action onyour dreams. If you want to
start a business, write a book,take a big trip, or level up to
(00:24):
a higher state of living in theworld, mentally, physically,
spiritually, or financially. Thestories found in the show will
provide the action steps andenergy you need to succeed. No
matter what you are goingthrough or where you've been,
you can at any time, break thatcycle and transform your life.
This show is going to show youhow to do it if you've got the
(00:47):
itch to act, now is the time.
Allow the inspiring storieswithin this show to serve as
your guide. This is the actionhour buckle up and enjoy the
ride. Welcome back to the actionhour. Thanks so much for tuning
in. I got a question for you.
Have you ever had road rage?
Just can i, a while backprobably about a month ago now
(01:12):
we're driving on the I-4 theinterstate over here in Florida.
They call that die 4 for,apparently it's one of the most
dangerous interstates in thecountry. There's always all
kinds of people that are blowingby you going like 30 or 40 over.
I've probably been there beforebut it seems it does seem a
little bit more people drive alittle bit fucking crazy here
(01:34):
here in Florida, that's forsure. Maybe similar to
California, I don't really know,but either way, just gonna I was
driving on our way back fromTampa one day, and she started
like shaking the steering wheel,and she got over real quick and
was like shaking the steeringwheel, and you could tell she
got a little bit flustered. Likebabe, what is like what's going
on? And apparently, there was aperson behind us that had been
(01:54):
tailgating us, and she wasgetting sick of it. She kind of
even tapped on our brakes alittle bit. I was like, what are
we? What are we doing right now?
And all of a sudden, I'm like,babe, pull off the side. Calm
down. It's okay. And she'sexplaining to me, this guy's
(02:14):
been tailgating us and I'm like,okay, it's not worth it. Like,
let this guy pass who gives ashit. And all of a sudden, this
guy pulls up and he gets righteven with us. And I look over at
him. And I'm like, fuck youmotherfucker. I was like, well,
that escalated quickly. And thenhe gets in front of us and she
goes right behind him and heslams on his brakes. We're going
(02:37):
like 70-80 miles an hour downthe I-4, and she has to slam on
her brakes so she doesn't runinto him. And pretty much that
it was like, okay, let this go.
It's not worth it. It's neverworth it. On the road, road Rage
is never worth it. Like peoplelose their lives over this kind
of stuff. You know, in the fireservice and first responder
world like the most dangerousplace is on the freeways. People
(02:59):
are crazy folks or distracted.
They're listening to somethinglike this podcast, if you're
listening this podcast, makesure you pay attention to the
road, both hands on the wheelten and two Baby let's go. But
either way, it just brought upin inside of me this like
automatic reaction. And thatperson went on whatever we went
(03:20):
about our business and I waskind of joke with Jessica that
she had road rage. But it wasfunny to me how that's like how
quickly I was angered. And Isaid fuck you motherfucker and I
was waving my hands around outof out of nothing, you know, and
I kind of laugh about it now.
But recently,I had the same reaction as an
anger and yelling towardsJessica. So this is a bit of a
(03:46):
confession, I want to dissect ita bit because I know there's
people out there listening tothis that can resonate with the
story. And I want to talk aboutthe idea of psychological
projections. I want to talkabout our shadow, I want to talk
about these things that are kindof running beneath the surface
that lead to these bursts ofrage these these outbursts where
we lose control of ourselves, Ithink it can manifest in anger
(04:10):
in rage in an outwardexpression. A lot of men I think
go like this. But it can alsoresult in like depression. So if
there's sadness, or there'sother sort of things that we
suppress inside of ourselves,then we just like give up and we
become depressed and can get offthe couch. So think about this
from both sides of a differentof the same coin. Alright, they
can manifest in different waysin our life, whatever sort of
(04:33):
coping mechanisms, or whateveryou saw growing up is most
likely what you're going to nowdo as an adult. So in my
household growing up, I saw alot of yelling there was yelling
all the time. My mom loved us somuch and she was she was
amazing. She, she loves usunconditionally. But there was a
lot of emotional distress. Therewas a lot I mean, we filed for
(04:54):
bankruptcy twice. My mom wasunder a lot of pressure from the
childcare she had started. She,I mean, my older brother, her
oldest son had cancer, he got atthe age of 14, there was just a
lot and she was a single momraising four kids, you know,
Jesus, that's enough right thereto make someone go crazy. And so
she was doing the best shecould, but in a way, the kids
are always then, given thestress, you know, we if we can't
(05:22):
manage our stress, if we can'thandle ourself, we projected
onto the people around us notonly get too far down the rabbit
hole, I'm not blaming my mom foranything, because at this point,
I'm 32 years old, and it's myopportunity to take full
responsibility for the way Igrew up. But the point of this
psychological projection, thisdefense mechanism is where our
ego defends itself against ourunconscious impulses or
(05:47):
qualities. Alright, so it's likedenying a part of yourself these
impulses to be angered to beanger to feel something, or
these different things that wewant to avoid or suppress or
neglect inside of ourselves. Alot of times, at the root of
this is a feeling of not beinggood enough feeling of
inadequacy. Now, if we take thisback to the story that I
(06:14):
mentioned, with Jessica and I,we were we were, we were,
basically I was blaming her forhow I was feeling. And what I
noticed is the week leading upto this big kind of yelling
match that I that I had, wasthat I wasn't feeling much of
anything. And like internally,like I was, like, tired, like I
couldn't taste anything. It wasjust sort of a weird time for
(06:37):
me. But either way, I noticed inour conversations, the week
leading up to this one, I waslike picking at, it's like I was
like trying to pick out andtrying to feel something even if
it was negative. And what thatall culminated in was, at the
end of the week of this sort oflike picking at her was this
explosion of anger of meprojecting my own feelings of
(06:59):
not being good enough of whatonto her, these feelings of not
being good enough are beingprojected onto her. Now, so if
you've ever done any sort ofblaming, or bullying, bullying
is a perfect example of what apsychological projection is. All
bullies are just feeling notgood enough, you know, they
don't feel good inside ofthemselves. So they project
(07:21):
those insecurities onto otherpeople. They bully other people
make them feel bad, so they canbring those other people down to
the same level as them. That'swhat bullying is. And that's a
perfect example of projectionis, but know how no matter how
you grew up, or where youlearned how to respond, whether
you yell or you get depressed,and you go inside your room and
never come out again, it doesn'tmatter. At this point, our job
(07:44):
is to break the cycle. If you'relistening to this, and you have
any of these sort of differentparts of yourself, first
recognize the fact that it'sokay. Own those parts of
yourself bring these to thelight shadow work is is not dark
work, it's bringing what's inthe dark to the light, it's
light work. And if we can justoffer ourselves a little bit of
compassion, a little bit of selfforgiveness, we can slow down a
(08:07):
bit.
And own these different parts ofthese fragmented parts of our
psyche, instead of projectingthem on to other people. So
let's say that I wasn't feelingnot good enough. And my tendency
in relationships is to, when Iget close to someone or I'm
feeling a certain way, then Iwill it negative, if I'm feeling
(08:28):
a certain way that's negative,then I will not be able to own
that part of myself, I won't beable to tune into myself, I
won't be able to sit down, Iwon't be able to haven't in the
past, at least, I haven't beenable to sit down and write about
it or meditate on it or feel thethe feeling or lack thereof of
what's going on in my body.
Instead, when I feel thisdiscomfort, I blame other
(08:49):
people. And what I need torecognize is that these sort of
limited ways of thinking, being,act in the world are stemming
from these early childhoodexperiences. As a way of
protecting ourselves fromemotional and physical wounds.
As kids, we developed theserigid ways of thinking, which
(09:10):
seriously limit our ability tohave fulfilling relationships,
careers, and really find peacewithin ourselves. Because that's
where everything starts andends. inside of ourselves. We
become rigid and resistant tochange and we become
psychologically stuck in thissort of thinking feeling acting
cycle. As if we are that innerchild still today. So to make
(09:36):
sure you're not stuck in thesort of broken inner child
feeling not good enough and thenprojecting those insecurities on
the people around you. I want tooffer three B's to think about
and if you're doing thesethings, there's a good chance
that below your level ofawareness. You are projecting
your feelings of not being goodenough, you've disowned parts of
(09:59):
yourself that you have beenshamed out of from when you were
a kid, or any number ofdifferent things that are just
like you're unwilling to face orrecognize within yourself. And
the three B's are blaming,bullying, and bulldozing.
Alright, so I've already talkedabout bullying. If you're
bullying someone you're makingthem feel less than is because
you feel less than. So checkyourself, look in the mirror and
(10:22):
recognize the fact that you needto stop pushing your problems on
other people. No one likes abully. But at anytime you can
look in the mirror, sit down anduncover why you were feeling
like you have to belittle otherpeople. So do that shit, if
you're a bully, cut it out, lookat yourself in the mirror. Now
(10:42):
blaming this comes up often inrelationships, as in how I
wasn't feeling good aboutmyself. So I was blaming my wife
and I was picking at her. And Iwas picking up these little
things and saying she was makingme feel this way when reality
is, I'm not feeling good aboutmyself, because I'm not giving
myself some compassion. I'm notgiving myself the time and
(11:03):
energy, the space that I need totune in, to listen, to uncover
what I need, what I want, what Idesire, and then get that for
myself. So the easy way out, isto just blame other people,
blame our circumstances, blamethe world, blame anything and
everything but ourselves. Whenin fact, we are actually
(11:27):
completely and totallyresponsible for our life. The
problem is, we're unwilling toface that. But once we are
willing to sit down withourselves and really own these
parts of ourselves, on ourfeelings, how we feel towards
something or ourselves, thatfeeling of not being good
(11:49):
enough. And we do what we needto do to show our self love and
compassion, then we can overcomethat. Now the third B is
bulldozing. I want to tell youabout a story a man about a guy
I met. It's been about a yearago now. He was a firefighter he
was a on the city council, hevolunteered on these on the
board of directors for a coupleof nonprofits you seem like on
(12:09):
the outward, a very successfulguy. But we were connected as
after he reached out to mebecause his wife was leaving
him. They had four kids, andthey had been married for like
14 years. And when I got totalking to this guy, he just
seemed completely oblivious. Heseemed completely oblivious that
(12:30):
all these years, he had justbeen only living his own life
what I would call bulldozingthrough life plowing through
life, and without anyconsideration towards his wife's
needs, wants desires, herdreams,
prospered as kids don't he justwanted to make himself look
good, which is why he wasserving on all these different
(12:52):
boards. And all this sort ofstuff, this sort of external
version of success. It was hischildhood dream, actually to do
all the things he was doing,which is fine. But the problem
is, he was just plowing throughhis life. And he didn't even
take note of any of the cuesalong the way from his wife when
she was begging, when she wasasking, she was pleading from
(13:14):
him to show her a little bit ofan emotional connection. I mean,
ultimately, that's why that'swhy women cheat. Because they
don't feel any emotionalconnection. Women cheat too, no
emotional connection. And thecase with these, this couple,
she was like a speaker like 10or 12 years ago, she was Miss
(13:35):
Rhode Island or some shit likethat. She wanted to then go on
this speaking career. But sheended up meeting this guy who I
was talking to, they gotmarried, they settle down, but
she always had this drive to doher stuff. She wanted to really
travel the world and all thesesorts of things. But she ended
up having four kids and wasn'table to do that. But all the
(13:55):
while her husband is just likeliving his dreams. And he's just
doing everything that he wantedto do as if she is his servant.
Again, this is what I would callbulldozing. And I think it's
very common for a lot of men toget on this path and think that
we can just plow our way throughlife without any regard for the
(14:16):
people around us or theenvironment. You know, we could
go down this rabbit hole withlike corporations and this sort
of stuff, plowing through life,destroying everything in our
way. And if we come back toourselves, and we realize we are
good enough, and we come from aplace of wholeness and
completion, that we don't haveto fucking bulldoze through
(14:37):
life, we can keep our head upand be aware of what's going on
around us. If he would have beencoming from a place of wholeness
and completion and not having toprove himself to the world. Then
his wife would have not left himbecause he would have been
connected with her. They wouldhave been raising a family
together instead of him justdoing what he wanted to do.
(14:59):
Alright, so this is another formof projecting, we're projecting
our own our own dreams withoutany concern for the people in
situations and in ourenvironment around us, we have
to take into consideration allthese things that are a part of
our lives. Because if we don't,there are three paths, you know,
let's consider life being amountain, we can climb up a
mountain, and realize, weclimbed up the wrong one, if we
(15:21):
were bulldozing through lifewill climb up their mountain,
and realize we climbed up thewrong one, and there's no going
back. Maybe we'll look back. Andwe'll realize that it's the
people we love our wife, ourhusband, our kids, our family,
our friends, whatever, laid outin a trail of tears behind us,
you know, these people werethere, they were trying to
(15:42):
support us, and they wanted usto be happy. But we just
completely abandon them. This isa result of a abandoning
ourselves, feeling not goodenough, trying to prove
ourselves to the world, weproject that onto the world
around us. Or the third mountainwe can climb. If we don't own
these parts of ourselves andcome from a place of wholeness
(16:04):
and completion is we end up atthe mountain, the top of the
mountain, surrounded by a bunchof fake and phony friends who
just will their their selvesserving, they are around us
because we can provide somethingto them. Money, attention, fame,
whatever it might be. But assoon as we lose those things,
and we start to break down,which is inevitable, as in this
(16:26):
guy's case, those fake assfriends disappear. So if any of
these three Bs, blamingbullying, or bulldozing is going
on in your life, the key tocutting this shit out once and
for all, to become free from itonce and for all. So you're not
(16:47):
driven by this underlyingfeeling of not being good enough
is to learn to love and acceptyourself, as an imperfect human
being, is to embrace yourfeelings and your faults, offer
yourself grace and selfcompassion. Take care of your
needs and forgive those thathave wronged you forget, I can
(17:07):
forgive my mother. Because Iknow she did the best she could.
Because she is an imperfecthuman that was doing the best
she could to love her fourchildren. And that puts the ball
in my court. I'm completelyresponsible for the way I acted
(17:27):
towards my wife just the otherday where I was blaming her for
the way I was feeling. There'sprobably a little bit of this
bulldozing in there as well,where I'm just like plowing
through and I'm, I'm not takingtime for myself, I'm not
considering her needs, you know,which is what led to the fight
in the first place.
So recognize the fact that youare an imperfect human being
(17:48):
take some time for yourself,stop putting too much pressure
on yourself, give yourself sometime to relax, and enjoy it. And
when you can do that. You canbring to light some of these,
these disconnected, the shadowparts of yourself, these things
that you're ashamed of. Becausereally, whatever bothers you
about another person is likely adisowned part of yourself. This
(18:10):
is where the blame comes in. Yousay it's the fucking Democrats,
or the Republicans, or Trump orBiden, or whatever. That's why
you feel this way. And that'scompletely bullshit. We were all
parts of the same hole. And ifyou start taking time for
yourself, and you get away, youenjoy the world, you enjoy some
friends, you make it a point totake care of yourself. And you
(18:34):
take full responsibility foryour actions, then you can
really start to shift your lifein a positive direction, you no
longer have to project thosedisowned parts of yourself in
the world around you. Becauseyou've own them. You've
integrated them, they call itintegrating your shadow. Now for
me, I'm taking fullresponsibility for my actions.
And I'm committing to onlysaying uplifting positive and
(18:55):
constructive things to my wife,and to all others. I'm becoming
aware of the fact that when I'mnegative, when I'm saying things
that are harmful to otherpeople, it's a part of myself
that I have not owned. If itdoesn't serve the betterment of
the conversation, I'm committingto not saying it. I want to
speak love and light and alwayssee the best in people. I want
(19:16):
to build other people upincluding my wife. Isn't it
interesting how the people thatare closest to us, bear the
brunt of our insecurities untilwe own them. And that's the
opportunity here. Theopportunity to forgive yourself.
I get it forgive myself fromthat loss of control. learn the
(19:38):
lessons that I need to learn,come back to myself. Stop
putting so much pressure onmyself and recognize that I'm
doing the goddamn best I canjust like every other person
around me as we're all justdoing the best we can with the
the knowledge, the experiences,the skills that we have here and
(20:00):
now. And if we can move forwardfrom this place of wholeness and
completion, and we own these,the our weaknesses, and we own
these parts that have beenshamed out of us from when we
were kids, do we can start to bepsychologically complete human
beings, and stop projecting ourinsecurities on the world around
us. That's the opportunity here.
So if this episode resonateswith you, I would love to know
(20:21):
what it is like, what is it thatyou're working through? What are
you projecting? Are you a bully?
Are you blaming? Are youbulldozing through your life?
And when are you going to slowdown and start to show up for
yourself, fill your cup upfirst, so you can be present
engaged for the people aroundyou, for the causes that you
(20:43):
care about. There's a reason forall of this. And if these
projections are coming up inyour life, it's time to own
them. Forgive yourself. Giveyourself some compassion.
Forgive the people who havewronged you, so you can have
back your life. This is freedom.
Ladies and gentlemen, freedom.
(21:04):
Freedom awaits when you ownthese parts of yourself, you
learn to love yourself, showcompassion to yourself. You stop
fucking beating down your kidsand your wife. That's all I got
for you. Ladies and gentlemen,thanks so much for tuning into
the action hour. I hope you havean amazing day. I'll see you on
the next episode.
Welcome to the action hour. My name is Jesse Simpson
and I believe there's never beena better time in the history of
the world to be alive. I'm on amission to bring you the
insights, ideas and inspirationyou need to uncover your
greatness and take action onyour dreams. If you want to
start a business, write a book,take a big trip, or level up to
(00:24):
a higher state of living in theworld, mentally, physically,
spiritually, or financially. Thestories found in the show will
provide the action steps andenergy you need to succeed. No
matter what you are goingthrough or where you've been,
you can at any time, break thatcycle and transform your life.
This show is going to show youhow to do it if you've got the
(00:47):
itch to act, now is the time.
Allow the inspiring storieswithin this show to serve as
your guide. This is the actionhour buckle up and enjoy the
ride. Welcome back to the actionhour. Thanks so much for tuning
in. I got a question for you.
Have you ever had road rage?
Just can i, a while backprobably about a month ago now
(01:12):
we're driving on the I-4 theinterstate over here in Florida.
They call that die 4 for,apparently it's one of the most
dangerous interstates in thecountry. There's always all
kinds of people that are blowingby you going like 30 or 40 over.
I've probably been there beforebut it seems it does seem a
little bit more people drive alittle bit fucking crazy here
(01:34):
here in Florida, that's forsure. Maybe similar to
California, I don't really know,but either way, just gonna I was
driving on our way back fromTampa one day, and she started
like shaking the steering wheel,and she got over real quick and
was like shaking the steeringwheel, and you could tell she
got a little bit flustered. Likebabe, what is like what's going
on? And apparently, there was aperson behind us that had been
(01:54):
tailgating us, and she wasgetting sick of it. She kind of
even tapped on our brakes alittle bit. I was like, what are
we? What are we doing right now?
And all of a sudden, I'm like,babe, pull off the side. Calm
down. It's okay. And she'sexplaining to me, this guy's
(02:14):
been tailgating us and I'm like,okay, it's not worth it. Like,
let this guy pass who gives ashit. And all of a sudden, this
guy pulls up and he gets righteven with us. And I look over at
him. And I'm like, fuck youmotherfucker. I was like, well,
that escalated quickly. And thenhe gets in front of us and she
goes right behind him and heslams on his brakes. We're going
(02:37):
like 70-80 miles an hour downthe I-4, and she has to slam on
her brakes so she doesn't runinto him. And pretty much that
it was like, okay, let this go.
It's not worth it. It's neverworth it. On the road, road Rage
is never worth it. Like peoplelose their lives over this kind
of stuff. You know, in the fireservice and first responder
world like the most dangerousplace is on the freeways. People
(02:59):
are crazy folks or distracted.
They're listening to somethinglike this podcast, if you're
listening this podcast, makesure you pay attention to the
road, both hands on the wheelten and two Baby let's go. But
either way, it just brought upin inside of me this like
automatic reaction. And thatperson went on whatever we went
(03:20):
about our business and I waskind of joke with Jessica that
she had road rage. But it wasfunny to me how that's like how
quickly I was angered. And Isaid fuck you motherfucker and I
was waving my hands around outof out of nothing, you know, and
I kind of laugh about it now.
But recently,I had the same reaction as an
anger and yelling towardsJessica. So this is a bit of a
(03:46):
confession, I want to dissect ita bit because I know there's
people out there listening tothis that can resonate with the
story. And I want to talk aboutthe idea of psychological
projections. I want to talkabout our shadow, I want to talk
about these things that are kindof running beneath the surface
that lead to these bursts ofrage these these outbursts where
we lose control of ourselves, Ithink it can manifest in anger
(04:10):
in rage in an outwardexpression. A lot of men I think
go like this. But it can alsoresult in like depression. So if
there's sadness, or there'sother sort of things that we
suppress inside of ourselves,then we just like give up and we
become depressed and can get offthe couch. So think about this
from both sides of a differentof the same coin. Alright, they
can manifest in different waysin our life, whatever sort of
(04:33):
coping mechanisms, or whateveryou saw growing up is most
likely what you're going to nowdo as an adult. So in my
household growing up, I saw alot of yelling there was yelling
all the time. My mom loved us somuch and she was she was
amazing. She, she loves usunconditionally. But there was a
lot of emotional distress. Therewas a lot I mean, we filed for
(04:54):
bankruptcy twice. My mom wasunder a lot of pressure from the
childcare she had started. She,I mean, my older brother, her
oldest son had cancer, he got atthe age of 14, there was just a
lot and she was a single momraising four kids, you know,
Jesus, that's enough right thereto make someone go crazy. And so
she was doing the best shecould, but in a way, the kids
are always then, given thestress, you know, we if we can't
(05:22):
manage our stress, if we can'thandle ourself, we projected
onto the people around us notonly get too far down the rabbit
hole, I'm not blaming my mom foranything, because at this point,
I'm 32 years old, and it's myopportunity to take full
responsibility for the way Igrew up. But the point of this
psychological projection, thisdefense mechanism is where our
ego defends itself against ourunconscious impulses or
(05:47):
qualities. Alright, so it's likedenying a part of yourself these
impulses to be angered to beanger to feel something, or
these different things that wewant to avoid or suppress or
neglect inside of ourselves. Alot of times, at the root of
this is a feeling of not beinggood enough feeling of
inadequacy. Now, if we take thisback to the story that I
(06:14):
mentioned, with Jessica and I,we were we were, we were,
basically I was blaming her forhow I was feeling. And what I
noticed is the week leading upto this big kind of yelling
match that I that I had, wasthat I wasn't feeling much of
anything. And like internally,like I was, like, tired, like I
couldn't taste anything. It wasjust sort of a weird time for
(06:37):
me. But either way, I noticed inour conversations, the week
leading up to this one, I waslike picking at, it's like I was
like trying to pick out andtrying to feel something even if
it was negative. And what thatall culminated in was, at the
end of the week of this sort oflike picking at her was this
explosion of anger of meprojecting my own feelings of
(06:59):
not being good enough of whatonto her, these feelings of not
being good enough are beingprojected onto her. Now, so if
you've ever done any sort ofblaming, or bullying, bullying
is a perfect example of what apsychological projection is. All
bullies are just feeling notgood enough, you know, they
don't feel good inside ofthemselves. So they project
(07:21):
those insecurities onto otherpeople. They bully other people
make them feel bad, so they canbring those other people down to
the same level as them. That'swhat bullying is. And that's a
perfect example of projectionis, but know how no matter how
you grew up, or where youlearned how to respond, whether
you yell or you get depressed,and you go inside your room and
never come out again, it doesn'tmatter. At this point, our job
(07:44):
is to break the cycle. If you'relistening to this, and you have
any of these sort of differentparts of yourself, first
recognize the fact that it'sokay. Own those parts of
yourself bring these to thelight shadow work is is not dark
work, it's bringing what's inthe dark to the light, it's
light work. And if we can justoffer ourselves a little bit of
compassion, a little bit of selfforgiveness, we can slow down a
(08:07):
bit.
And own these different parts ofthese fragmented parts of our
psyche, instead of projectingthem on to other people. So
let's say that I wasn't feelingnot good enough. And my tendency
in relationships is to, when Iget close to someone or I'm
feeling a certain way, then Iwill it negative, if I'm feeling
(08:28):
a certain way that's negative,then I will not be able to own
that part of myself, I won't beable to tune into myself, I
won't be able to sit down, Iwon't be able to haven't in the
past, at least, I haven't beenable to sit down and write about
it or meditate on it or feel thethe feeling or lack thereof of
what's going on in my body.
Instead, when I feel thisdiscomfort, I blame other
(08:49):
people. And what I need torecognize is that these sort of
limited ways of thinking, being,act in the world are stemming
from these early childhoodexperiences. As a way of
protecting ourselves fromemotional and physical wounds.
As kids, we developed theserigid ways of thinking, which
(09:10):
seriously limit our ability tohave fulfilling relationships,
careers, and really find peacewithin ourselves. Because that's
where everything starts andends. inside of ourselves. We
become rigid and resistant tochange and we become
psychologically stuck in thissort of thinking feeling acting
cycle. As if we are that innerchild still today. So to make
(09:36):
sure you're not stuck in thesort of broken inner child
feeling not good enough and thenprojecting those insecurities on
the people around you. I want tooffer three B's to think about
and if you're doing thesethings, there's a good chance
that below your level ofawareness. You are projecting
your feelings of not being goodenough, you've disowned parts of
(09:59):
yourself that you have beenshamed out of from when you were
a kid, or any number ofdifferent things that are just
like you're unwilling to face orrecognize within yourself. And
the three B's are blaming,bullying, and bulldozing.
Alright, so I've already talkedabout bullying. If you're
bullying someone you're makingthem feel less than is because
you feel less than. So checkyourself, look in the mirror and
(10:22):
recognize the fact that you needto stop pushing your problems on
other people. No one likes abully. But at anytime you can
look in the mirror, sit down anduncover why you were feeling
like you have to belittle otherpeople. So do that shit, if
you're a bully, cut it out, lookat yourself in the mirror. Now
(10:42):
blaming this comes up often inrelationships, as in how I
wasn't feeling good aboutmyself. So I was blaming my wife
and I was picking at her. And Iwas picking up these little
things and saying she was makingme feel this way when reality
is, I'm not feeling good aboutmyself, because I'm not giving
myself some compassion. I'm notgiving myself the time and
(11:03):
energy, the space that I need totune in, to listen, to uncover
what I need, what I want, what Idesire, and then get that for
myself. So the easy way out, isto just blame other people,
blame our circumstances, blamethe world, blame anything and
everything but ourselves. Whenin fact, we are actually
(11:27):
completely and totallyresponsible for our life. The
problem is, we're unwilling toface that. But once we are
willing to sit down withourselves and really own these
parts of ourselves, on ourfeelings, how we feel towards
something or ourselves, thatfeeling of not being good
(11:49):
enough. And we do what we needto do to show our self love and
compassion, then we can overcomethat. Now the third B is
bulldozing. I want to tell youabout a story a man about a guy
I met. It's been about a yearago now. He was a firefighter he
was a on the city council, hevolunteered on these on the
board of directors for a coupleof nonprofits you seem like on
(12:09):
the outward, a very successfulguy. But we were connected as
after he reached out to mebecause his wife was leaving
him. They had four kids, andthey had been married for like
14 years. And when I got totalking to this guy, he just
seemed completely oblivious. Heseemed completely oblivious that
(12:30):
all these years, he had justbeen only living his own life
what I would call bulldozingthrough life plowing through
life, and without anyconsideration towards his wife's
needs, wants desires, herdreams,
prospered as kids don't he justwanted to make himself look
good, which is why he wasserving on all these different
(12:52):
boards. And all this sort ofstuff, this sort of external
version of success. It was hischildhood dream, actually to do
all the things he was doing,which is fine. But the problem
is, he was just plowing throughhis life. And he didn't even
take note of any of the cuesalong the way from his wife when
she was begging, when she wasasking, she was pleading from
(13:14):
him to show her a little bit ofan emotional connection. I mean,
ultimately, that's why that'swhy women cheat. Because they
don't feel any emotionalconnection. Women cheat too, no
emotional connection. And thecase with these, this couple,
she was like a speaker like 10or 12 years ago, she was Miss
(13:35):
Rhode Island or some shit likethat. She wanted to then go on
this speaking career. But sheended up meeting this guy who I
was talking to, they gotmarried, they settle down, but
she always had this drive to doher stuff. She wanted to really
travel the world and all thesesorts of things. But she ended
up having four kids and wasn'table to do that. But all the
(13:55):
while her husband is just likeliving his dreams. And he's just
doing everything that he wantedto do as if she is his servant.
Again, this is what I would callbulldozing. And I think it's
very common for a lot of men toget on this path and think that
we can just plow our way throughlife without any regard for the
(14:16):
people around us or theenvironment. You know, we could
go down this rabbit hole withlike corporations and this sort
of stuff, plowing through life,destroying everything in our
way. And if we come back toourselves, and we realize we are
good enough, and we come from aplace of wholeness and
completion, that we don't haveto fucking bulldoze through
(14:37):
life, we can keep our head upand be aware of what's going on
around us. If he would have beencoming from a place of wholeness
and completion and not having toprove himself to the world. Then
his wife would have not left himbecause he would have been
connected with her. They wouldhave been raising a family
together instead of him justdoing what he wanted to do.
(14:59):
Alright, so this is another formof projecting, we're projecting
our own our own dreams withoutany concern for the people in
situations and in ourenvironment around us, we have
to take into consideration allthese things that are a part of
our lives. Because if we don't,there are three paths, you know,
let's consider life being amountain, we can climb up a
mountain, and realize, weclimbed up the wrong one, if we
(15:21):
were bulldozing through lifewill climb up their mountain,
and realize we climbed up thewrong one, and there's no going
back. Maybe we'll look back. Andwe'll realize that it's the
people we love our wife, ourhusband, our kids, our family,
our friends, whatever, laid outin a trail of tears behind us,
you know, these people werethere, they were trying to
(15:42):
support us, and they wanted usto be happy. But we just
completely abandon them. This isa result of a abandoning
ourselves, feeling not goodenough, trying to prove
ourselves to the world, weproject that onto the world
around us. Or the third mountainwe can climb. If we don't own
these parts of ourselves andcome from a place of wholeness
(16:04):
and completion is we end up atthe mountain, the top of the
mountain, surrounded by a bunchof fake and phony friends who
just will their their selvesserving, they are around us
because we can provide somethingto them. Money, attention, fame,
whatever it might be. But assoon as we lose those things,
and we start to break down,which is inevitable, as in this
(16:26):
guy's case, those fake assfriends disappear. So if any of
these three Bs, blamingbullying, or bulldozing is going
on in your life, the key tocutting this shit out once and
for all, to become free from itonce and for all. So you're not
(16:47):
driven by this underlyingfeeling of not being good enough
is to learn to love and acceptyourself, as an imperfect human
being, is to embrace yourfeelings and your faults, offer
yourself grace and selfcompassion. Take care of your
needs and forgive those thathave wronged you forget, I can
(17:07):
forgive my mother. Because Iknow she did the best she could.
Because she is an imperfecthuman that was doing the best
she could to love her fourchildren. And that puts the ball
in my court. I'm completelyresponsible for the way I acted
(17:27):
towards my wife just the otherday where I was blaming her for
the way I was feeling. There'sprobably a little bit of this
bulldozing in there as well,where I'm just like plowing
through and I'm, I'm not takingtime for myself, I'm not
considering her needs, you know,which is what led to the fight
in the first place.
So recognize the fact that youare an imperfect human being
(17:48):
take some time for yourself,stop putting too much pressure
on yourself, give yourself sometime to relax, and enjoy it. And
when you can do that. You canbring to light some of these,
these disconnected, the shadowparts of yourself, these things
that you're ashamed of. Becausereally, whatever bothers you
about another person is likely adisowned part of yourself. This
(18:10):
is where the blame comes in. Yousay it's the fucking Democrats,
or the Republicans, or Trump orBiden, or whatever. That's why
you feel this way. And that'scompletely bullshit. We were all
parts of the same hole. And ifyou start taking time for
yourself, and you get away, youenjoy the world, you enjoy some
friends, you make it a point totake care of yourself. And you
(18:34):
take full responsibility foryour actions, then you can
really start to shift your lifein a positive direction, you no
longer have to project thosedisowned parts of yourself in
the world around you. Becauseyou've own them. You've
integrated them, they call itintegrating your shadow. Now for
me, I'm taking fullresponsibility for my actions.
And I'm committing to onlysaying uplifting positive and
(18:55):
constructive things to my wife,and to all others. I'm becoming
aware of the fact that when I'mnegative, when I'm saying things
that are harmful to otherpeople, it's a part of myself
that I have not owned. If itdoesn't serve the betterment of
the conversation, I'm committingto not saying it. I want to
speak love and light and alwayssee the best in people. I want
(19:16):
to build other people upincluding my wife. Isn't it
interesting how the people thatare closest to us, bear the
brunt of our insecurities untilwe own them. And that's the
opportunity here. Theopportunity to forgive yourself.
I get it forgive myself fromthat loss of control. learn the
(19:38):
lessons that I need to learn,come back to myself. Stop
putting so much pressure onmyself and recognize that I'm
doing the goddamn best I canjust like every other person
around me as we're all justdoing the best we can with the
the knowledge, the experiences,the skills that we have here and
(20:00):
now. And if we can move forwardfrom this place of wholeness and
completion, and we own these,the our weaknesses, and we own
these parts that have beenshamed out of us from when we
were kids, do we can start to bepsychologically complete human
beings, and stop projecting ourinsecurities on the world around
us. That's the opportunity here.
So if this episode resonateswith you, I would love to know
(20:21):
what it is like, what is it thatyou're working through? What are
you projecting? Are you a bully?
Are you blaming? Are youbulldozing through your life?
And when are you going to slowdown and start to show up for
yourself, fill your cup upfirst, so you can be present
engaged for the people aroundyou, for the causes that you
(20:43):
care about. There's a reason forall of this. And if these
projections are coming up inyour life, it's time to own
them. Forgive yourself. Giveyourself some compassion.
Forgive the people who havewronged you, so you can have
back your life. This is freedom.
Ladies and gentlemen, freedom.
(21:04):
Freedom awaits when you ownthese parts of yourself, you
learn to love yourself, showcompassion to yourself. You stop
fucking beating down your kidsand your wife. That's all I got
for you. Ladies and gentlemen,thanks so much for tuning into
the action hour. I hope you havean amazing day. I'll see you on
the next episode.
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