June 5, 2025 • 28 mins
In this episode of 'The Air We Breathe,' hosts Tracey and Lauren discuss their shared experience with ADHD, an aspect of their lives they didn't realize they had in common for a long time. Both women share their personal journeys of receiving an ADHD diagnosis, the misconceptions they faced, and how it shaped their daily lives. They talk about the challenges of coping with ADHD, the concept of 'spoons' representing energy levels, and the impact of societal expectations. The episode delves into the nuances of late diagnosis, the unique strengths ADHD brings, and the struggle with internalized ableism. Through their candid conversation, Tracey and Lauren highlight the importance of community, self-acceptance, and understanding ADHD as more than just a set of symptoms.
00:00 Introduction and Common Ground
00:27 Discovering ADHD
02:39 Living with ADHD
05:48 ADHD and Anxiety
08:09 Navigating Life with ADHD
08:57 Late Diagnosis and Self-Discovery
11:26 ADHD in Daily Life
12:19 Humorous Interlude
12:40 School Experiences
13:08 Struggles with Algebra and Self-Doubt
15:39 The Challenges of Working at Burger King
18:48 Bias in Job Interviews and Orchestras
20:14 Understanding ADHD and Neurodivergence
21:44 The Evolution of ADHD Perception
27:13 Gender Differences in ADHD Diagnosis
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I need skills and pills. Something's happening.
I. Need skills and pills?
Hi Breathers, this is Tracy. And Lauren?
And this is the air we breathe today.
We're talking about something wedidn't know we had in common for
a long time. We got something to comment.
(00:23):
And we and people noted our quick banter and brain worms.
And that is because we both haveADHD.
Would you like to share how you found out you had ADHD?
My doctor was trying to get me consistent on my weight loss,
giving me something to jump start my metabolism.
I came back for a checkup and he's like, how are we doing?
And I was like, I don't, it didn't do anything.
(00:46):
And he's like, what are you talking about?
And I was like, I felt productive, could come home and
not stare at the wall for 1/2 anhour, but didn't feel any boost
of energy. He's like, how many cups of
coffee do you drink a day, Lauren?
I'm like, I feel like you're attacking me or can we lower
your voice a bit? Then he's like, I'm going to get
you tested for ADHD. And I said that's been an
(01:08):
ongoing joke. I took the test and I have all
of 80 of those motherfuckers oldof them certifiably.
Most live inside. Inattentive.
It's all behind. In my head, I'm not.
The perception of it. She is like you're hyper jumping
off the walls. No, babe, no.
(01:29):
You got the wrong idea. I got 15 tabs open.
Yeah, had one halfway done. I haven't even started.
There's music playing in the background.
I don't know where it's coming from or how to turn it off.
So I had a man diagnosed me as well.
He was my husband, which like I love him but that is not his
brand. The fact that he.
Clocked that I was like. How did you do?
(01:50):
I thought he had ADHD during thepandemic.
What else was I going to do other than diagnose everybody in
my family with things? So I was sending him tik toks
like hey I think this. We need to see this ball game
and. He went and got tested.
I was not wrong. He's got his own struggles.
You got 88 problems but in HDA one.
And he's. Like all those tic tacs remind
me of you, I think it actually is you that has.
(02:10):
ADHD and I'm like. I have my master's degree, so
obviously you are incorrect. The audacity.
But then I was like, all right, let me see.
Then I started finding a community of women who were
like, wait a minute. And so my husband and tic tac
diagnosed me and I got tested. I found out I'm up against a lot
of shit actually. And and they were like, you
(02:33):
know, you have idiot like because I figured it would be
like on the board. They were like, what is the
starting dose? So something interesting for me
has been realizing how much I beat myself up for being a
dysfunctional human. Now realizing I have a deficit,
it makes sense. There's a word for it and name
for it and the community. I am not broken.
(02:53):
I was just like, how is everybody else doing this?
How are people, successful adults, also having to deal with
all these things and be quiet about it?
Masking so hard because you mentioned we always knew.
What did you say about getting diagnosed?
We always knew I had an issue paying attention, daydreaming.
(03:14):
I was a check out queen disassociation city, right?
That was one of the things I experienced as a kid.
I had a weight problem. Always a chunky kid, lazy, fat,
you know, daydreaming. Why am I so tired from doing
nothing, trying to cope with being so dysregulated and so
overstimulated from eye open to eye closed with no time to
(03:36):
decompress and stare at the wall.
There is a theory about chronic illness in general, but ADHD
kind of goes under that umbrellain terms of everybody starts out
their day with so many spoons, and spoons represent energy.
You have to give up every time you have to do something.
And basically people who have like chronic pain or ADHD or
(03:56):
anything like that, we start theday with less spoons and our
spoons, we have to pay more of them to get through things.
So I'm gonna run out of my spoons way sooner than you are.
I'm learning there are things I can do to collect a couple
spoons back. I did do that on my daughter's
birthday. I over scheduled myself in the
(04:18):
past is I would have beaten myself up then like you didn't
over schedule yourself. This is how many things people
do in. It yeah, this is life.
Why are you crying? Guess who would have suffered?
My kid whose birthday it was, because that would have been the
end of the day. Yeah.
So if I held and that was how I kept myself going was like, who
can I not disappoint? And that is how I prioritize
(04:40):
things. So if I'm going to get charged
for canceling this, I'm going togo to it even if I don't really
need it. But I need to do this other
thing, correct? And then I'll burn out and flake
out and hate myself. I let the person closest to me
down because I chose them last because I trust that I can let
them down. What a fucking life.
So I was proud of myself becauseI'm like, Nope, you have to take
(05:02):
something off your plate. You held yourself accountable.
It was a necessity. Because you're just living in
your own brain. You don't know that you're
satisfied at the end of the day because you've also gone to the
grocery store and cooked dinner just to know that you're just
going to eat it and then you have to clean stuff and then do
it all again tomorrow. Pass and people are like oh I'm
so excited to go home and cook. I'm like I am broken.
(05:24):
I belong in a dumpster with my raccoon brethren have a.
Skin regiment and make yourself a well balanced smoothie.
Put on a matching workout outfit.
Go to the gym, take a shower, get dressed for work, go to
work, grocery store after work. I'm home.
(05:44):
Meal prep sounds like a hellscape.
It's easier as a woman to get diagnosed with anxiety and it
tracked for me. My anxiety was masking my ADHD.
Oh yeah, if you. Stay nervous.
You don't have to get nervous. Anxiety is the biggest lyingest
bitch. She will make you believe the
sky is purple when it's not. What is our motto?
(06:07):
Anxiety Lying Asshoe She is a perpetrator.
She will make you feel like the worst case scenario was going to
happen. Anxiety has been modeled from
something. So what is that voice?
It's capitalism, society, Instagram, competition, social
media, the hustle culture I. Literally chose a profession
(06:27):
where I could operate in a cycleof burnout.
I left everything on the field from August to June and then I
would be bedridden for five dayswhen summer started.
I have to rot. I had no reason to believe that
was OK. I felt shitty about it.
(06:49):
Oh, that's how we were raised, right?
Exactly. If you're in bed staring at the
wall, you're depressed, you're lazy, there's something wrong
with you. Get up and be a member of
society. You feel this innate guilt.
I have to do my dishes. Why do I have to do it on your
schedule? Why can't I just get it done and
be OK with my bubble? Because.
That's not how the world works. 9 to 5 jobs.
(07:10):
Your world. The world that works best for
the people telling us what the world will.
Be like and if you're lucky enough to find a job where it
can use your ADHD for the positive.
When I work with dogs, my brain is relaxed.
It's not as complicated, is not as complex, regulates me.
And they're people at jobs eating them from the inside out
(07:34):
because they're masking through the whole thing.
And that's crazy, but. You don't even know your mask.
Now that I know I have ADHD, it's like a shorthand.
I know I'm built different. I was never lazy.
I'm going to start taking my space, taking my time.
My therapist was like try giving60%.
No one will notice if they're comparing you to themselves.
I had to be at 110% all the timeor I would crumble.
(07:58):
I had to ask myself, is this sustainable?
Just because you're good at it doesn't mean it's sustainable.
They'll replace you tomorrow like.
Burnout is real, yeah. No matter what, you're a nurse
because AHD is. A lot of us are caretakers or
trainers or teacher because we notice everything.
We see patterns faster, like we pick up on things faster.
(08:21):
It is hard because you're getting that dopamine.
I'm actually good at something. I found something that fits for
the first time. I am better than normal people
at it. Dopamine you.
Need to write an e-mail to a parent just saying this and I'm
like how did you do that? I'm like how did you not?
I'm a queen here. How do you make it look so easy?
You get the dogs to listen to you.
Guess what? At the end of the day, you could
(08:42):
be that person where people willsay to you, there's no way
they're going to let you go. If they hear you want to leave,
guess what? They'll let you go because
there's others out there. Just because it speaks to my
strengths, it also ignores my limitations.
Correct. Yeah, I feel lucky.
I was late diagnosed at 38 afterI got divorced because I was
(09:03):
able to negotiate it and be accountable to myself.
Nobody else was. At fault?
It was a very nice way to get toknow myself.
This is me walking into a brand new world of me, the next level
of me, yeah. Were you living alone at this?
Point I was with my dad was a good distraction because I
(09:25):
utilized my medication to help be organized enough to work and
take care of my dad. It took down some of the
roadblock. Wait, I've never thought about
this with you. Did you tell your dad you had
ADHD? What did that conversation look
like, dude? We need to talk.
Let me spill the tea. You got this.
That's how you did it. You weren't like I have it, but
that's not what we're here to talk.
(09:46):
About I was like, dude, we need to talk.
Did he agree with? You he wasn't triggered or
anything. I wish I would have had that
conversation when he was. Healthy.
Every time I shake my Ritalin bottle, I'm shaking what my Mama
gave me. Thanks, Mom.
Undiagnosed, trying to do too much and burnout can lead to
other issues. Yes, you.
(10:07):
Mix ADHD with. Postpartum I couldn't imagine
was the. One thing I couldn't mask.
I worked three jobs while student teaching.
I taught, did extras, and tutored while getting my
master's degree. Which is why I couldn't believe
that there was a chance that I'dADHD.
The picture I had been painted was not that.
That wouldn't be possible. I'm like, maybe when I was
(10:28):
younger. Yeah, I always thought that too.
Yeah, that you could grow out ofADD.
If you take some pills and you focus real hard, it'll come out.
That's why I think it's a flex. I think it's like you are at an
age where you can actually appreciate the muscles you had
to exercise. The Fixing Nurturing Bible is
coming together, going on damagecontrol.
I'm really good at that. Yeah, I am the Hussein Bolt of
(10:51):
critical thinking. I don't want anybody to take it.
I like that part of me. Knowing I have it has actually
made me enjoy myself more. It's interesting that when you
get the late diagnosis, it is a very unique experience.
It really upended my entire identity.
It was like shaking the Boggle pieces I had to reread.
(11:12):
So I feel like that is the experience I'm having with ADHD
now that I have a schema for it,place to categorize these
things. It's like Domino's or a Lego
being built. You know what?
I mean, right in front of your face.
Yeah. Yeah, in real time.
So something I've noticed, like as a mom having ADHD, if I'm
talking to you and my kid comes to talk to me and the dog starts
(11:34):
barking and somebody's talking behind me, apparently there are
brains that can be like SHHH andthen turn this up.
I do, I know, wish I could do that.
That's what we cannot do. Crazy.
If you notice some people even in the restaurant, don't do a
lot of looking behind you or around.
(11:57):
They're not ignoring that stuff.They don't see it.
God, that's going to be nice. They can tune out.
That's what our meds help us do.For me, without the meds, I have
7 radio stations going on all atonce.
There's some music, a rerun of some show I watch.
Oh look, there's a Jingle. So much noise when I'm on the
meds. You can.
(12:17):
Close those doors. Breath Heads.
This episode is brought to you by Reminder, the new fragrance
from Johnson and Johnson with warm top notes of did you take
your pills today And a strong base note of Why didn't I set an
alarm. It'll have you smelling great
and feeling anxious all day. Reminder from Johnson and
(12:38):
Johnson. I had been a big fish in a small
pond, but I was in a Chicago Public school, and then I moved.
We moved to the suburban district with money, so there
were kids in science class and they're like here.
They're like where your goggles heat up the Bunsen burner and
I'm like, the fuck's a Bunsen burner?
(13:00):
Where are the desks? What is this room?
Is this a fucking lab? What are we doing?
Potions. I'm.
Like, excuse me, I think I belong in whatever science is
held in a classroom. I should start there.
Yeah, can we not? You're putting me in full wizard
mode and I don't know what to dowith.
This in my head, I'm just thinking, Rich, It was a rough
(13:20):
year because I was smart, but itdid not translate anymore
because my tricks, none of my tricks worked.
Like I couldn't just show up to school, listen.
Do my homework. There had been a decline
starting in puberty like around puberty and in very 80s fashion.
(13:42):
The only buddy that even said anything to me about it was my
math teachers like hey what are you doing?
Why are your grades so bad at dobetter?
Good talk thanks. Meanwhile, so my grades are like
going down down down, especiallyin my non preferred subjects
like in specifically like in math, I couldn't zone out and
then go home and teach it to myself anymore.
(14:03):
And like that was my blessing and curse was for so long.
I could half pay attention, go home and reread it like cool.
This one you had to perform. Letters started being there
instead of numbers and I'm like.What?
But it wasn't like now I couldn't.
Go yeah, you lost me. After letters become numbers,
algebra was not it for. Me If you're someone who's never
been able to teach yourself mathby reading a math textbook,
(14:27):
imagine my surprise when I was suddenly thrust into your ranks
where I'm like, wait, this used to work?
Am I getting Dumber? No, you're just finally getting
challenged and you have no skills for something that's at
your level. Correct.
So I remember being into journaling, I think in part
because I'm like, well, the train has left the station and
(14:47):
I'm not on it, so I need to at least look like I'm writing
things down. I talk about myself because I'm
14 and that's my favorite topic.I literally spent 45 minutes a
day ignoring algebra and journaling, and I remember very
vividly, which is interesting because I don't remember like
every journal entry. It felt like as time moves
forward, everybody's tied to it with a rope that it felt like
(15:10):
everybody else had a shit ton ofslack.
They're just in a parade and I'mbeing almost dragged, like
trying to Sprint just to keep up.
That visual has stuck with me. That was the first thing I
thought about when I got that sort of like understanding my
ADHD was like, that's what I wasfeeling.
Which was the worst? I'm having flashbacks.
(15:33):
Was such a drag. Everything was just barely
keeping. Them math was the fucking worst.
Try having a job working at 16 at Burger King and working the
drive through. It is all my fault.
Math sucks, not my strong suit. No bitch, you just can't do math
in the middle of a drive throughwith a headset and somebody
telling you their order. You're remembering their order
(15:55):
and you're running through getting the order that's at the
door together while this other person's telling you an order.
And then you got to remember that order.
Put it in the register to get the total so when they come to
the window you can exchange. Cash.
It was the worst. Well, and you know what?
You know what that is hard like I'd like to see somebody who
(16:18):
like has a six figure job who just is like working on a TPS
report all day. You would crumble because not
only that, you have to be good at all of that.
You have to navigate personalities.
You have to be monitoring like the stock of stuff, remembering
what they told you you were out of that's.
(16:39):
Snappy your manager communicate with different.
And emotionally regulated. You have to communicate with
everybody else in the run because you're like, I need four
more fries, I need this, I need 2 burgers, cheeseburger, I need
this burger. And I you got something in the
heads. It literally is giving me
flashbacks like I'm getting spicy pits right now sweating.
Oh, and there's a stop clock too.
(17:01):
Then they're putting you on a time restraint that starts
that's at 3 minutes. Every order should take 3
minutes to take and prepare, andyou should be giving this person
an order within 3 minutes. What happens if I don't?
The whole machine slows down andyou've got the whole lineup of
people making the burgers. I can't fit more burgers in
(17:21):
here. I've made 5 already.
Your order. It is so stressful and boiler
room esque. That's a finely tuned dance.
When you're stepping into it, you're stepping on toes and
knocking stuff over. It's like the emotional baggage
on that, the guilt that you're messing up this entire machine.
Can I just? Say if there is or if there was
(17:44):
somebody who was good at that, Are they our age now because
they should run for president? Can you imagine if we unleashed
that on something bigger, more consequential?
The talent. Right.
The bandwidth, yeah. You're going to tell me like,
here's what I'm hearing. I guess if it weren't for DEI,
(18:09):
more people who went to an Ivy League school and never had to
work until they had to and got legacied into a top college
would have jobs. If it was truly just based on
ability, well. Perhaps.
If we just say like, OK, we're all just going to create
(18:34):
interviews that take the place of you telling me of any
experience, I'm not going to askyour experience.
I'm going to interview you and see if you could do this job.
Right. Imagine what the workforce would
look like. Fuck.
That. Can we have Love is Blind for a
job interview? They did a study where they sent
the exact same resumes with veryJohn Smith sounding names and
(18:59):
then very like Juan Carlos Messina, Devante Jones and
Samantha Meyer or whatever. And across the board the men,
the one that was like a white dude would get the call even if
they were identical. There was also this thing where
the, I don't know what Symphony Orchestra, Philharmonic, it was
(19:20):
New York, but they decided they wanted to.
They were accepting more men than women and it wasn't like
less women were auditioning, it was less women were getting in.
So they set up where they couldn't see who was playing.
It was like behind a partition. And so they would the person
would walk on stage, sit down and play their peace and leave.
(19:41):
They were still finding for somereason they were under
representing women. They realized they could hear
who was wearing high heels. When they had everybody take off
their shoes, it evened out. That's so fucked up.
(20:05):
Yeah, the amount your brain wants to confirm what it already
knows, which is why when you give it a piece of undeniable
information like having ADHD, you're like, I can't deny this.
They showed me the data. Oh my gosh, what I used to
(20:27):
believe is not true anymore. But you have to be willing to be
open. Does sound like somebody's going
to come up to you at 42 and be like, hey, I had my friend here,
Doctor Samson, come watch you while you were trying to make
dinner and take some notes. We've decided to put you on an
intervention plan and see if youneed testing.
Nobody just busts into your house.
Should be our TLC show what not to endure.
(20:50):
You no longer have to live with nothing.
And or with a. Disability.
Somebody follow me around work. Lauren, you don't need to be
dealing with this girl. Here's the data.
Let's go. We have the doctor from our
cadre of doctors. You're not a garbage monster.
You have ADHD. You're not a Martian.
You have something called autism, and you're smarter than
(21:13):
most people. Here are 87 things that guess
what all of us cannot do. They can be like, wait, you
can't do that. Like you can't name pie up until
the like 600th digit. No bro.
But you can. That's pretty cool.
That's our show what not to endure mental health.
You're not crazy, you're just putting up with too much
(21:35):
bullshit. If you're not regulated, we're
not regulated. What not to endure?
I have a lot take. There's so many people.
Is it really a disability or just a different evolutionary
like? Like an evolutionary flag like.
We come up with these symptoms. The reason you get diagnosed is
(21:56):
because it is getting in the wayof your everyday life.
Schools sometimes say they're doing too well.
Like we're not going to give them support because they don't
need it. But like, that's not how this
works. If it's really is a disability,
then it's a disability. So if you can outperform a
disability, perhaps it's a societal thing.
Is it outdated expectations on our time?
(22:19):
Humans are evolving. For me, ADHD, I'm going a mile a
minute in my head. I'm not out here jumping on a
trampoline. I'm 5 steps ahead, tied your
shoes. I'm almost done with the race.
These parameters were all set when we didn't have screens in
our fucking faces constantly. The info dump that you get on a
minute. Basis So if as a collective
(22:40):
society our attention span is shrinking, like wouldn't the
people that struggle with that now be the ones that.
Have a disability? I think this is the case for
like a lot of like mental healthissues is like, like I think
about like, are there things that would be an illness here?
(23:01):
But like I moved to a different culture.
Would it be better? My roommates in college, I was
having a graduation party and I'm like, hey, are you guys
coming or not? They kept like, what are you
doing? I'm asking you to RSVP like it's
totally fine, whatever. And they were like, oh, that's
not a thing for us. I'm like, what do you do?
If you throw a party? They're like, you make enough
food for everybody you invited and have your party.
(23:24):
And I was like, what? What metrics are you even?
I have no guidelines. Listen, I love a guideline.
Yes, I love a map. Bullet points are always have
always been your friend. I actually love that because I
always get too much food anyway.If I'm at a party where they
(23:45):
didn't order enough food, I'm angry at you.
You have a visceral response like you were.
The lack of consideration is astounding when you don't have
enough food at a fucking party. Oh my God, when somebody's like,
hey, I'm going to order some pizzas and like, how many do you
think? Because I'm.
Like you, I mean, I'm sorry if you're been around eight adults
(24:05):
and somebody orders one pizza. This bitch is with how many?
With the fingers, Yeah. Don't you know This is Mary Beth
Mary Ann from a Women's Place magazine and we are so happy to
once again sponsor an episode. Don't miss this month's cover
story. ADAP stands for Always Denying
(24:27):
His Downfalls, an article about how she can ignore her diagnosis
to focus helping him cover up his women's plays.
Magazine for the. Woman who knows her plays.
I think ADHD and neuro spicy people are so much and more
interesting. There's so many more layers.
What is neuro spicy? That's neurodivergent.
(24:50):
So you have neurotypical and neurodivergent is like the new
terms that people probably complain about South.
Neurotypical is like what is expected, like what is typical.
Like if you had 100 kids and youhad all the same like
parameters, the bell curve wouldbe that they would do this.
And then neurodivergent just means like you're on different
(25:12):
parts of that bell curve, whether it's like you're high IQ
is significantly high, your IQ is significantly low.
Like you're just whatever brain comparisons, you're not in the,
you're in the minority, which isI think why people are now
freaking out because they're like, who the why are there so
many? Well, because like your bell
curve was based on a very limited population.
(25:36):
Science grows and improves, and people were probably always like
this. It's human.
It didn't use to it. It's a hindrance because now we
expect everything to be fast andon time.
I think ADHD got caught in boys earlier because men basically
have been shaped to just be capitalism.
(25:58):
Like that's what in terms of thepatriarchy, it's like, yes, the
way you act is the way, but guess what?
The joke is on you because the way you act is the way we're
teaching you to act. Which is like good little
soldiers, right? Because you cannot have think
about all we know about military, right?
And that was historically just amen's thing.
Historically, yeah. Don't nobody want a bunch of
(26:20):
free thinkers in military? The whole reason that everybody
looks the same acts the same. Your dad explained this.
You have to be able to just defer.
Eat now, taste it later. You have to.
Lose yourself. Don't.
Enjoy that in the. Music the moment you own it.
Sorry, I'm thinking of that as abreeding.
(26:40):
We've been breeding workhorses, right?
And then that's where things like ADHD came up.
They're not doing the working thing.
Something wrong? To drunk them, yeah.
Defective and then like medicate.
Well, first it was like eradicate for women.
It it was fine for us to have ADHD so be so hyper that we're
meant we have to like we just would be like manically
(27:02):
cleaning. And also, you know what I was
thinking about recently. Do you know how housewives would
get? Prescribed speed 1000%.
Dude, you've been medicating women for ADHD for eons.
We are still. Learning the difference between
a female's brain and a male's brain.
They've only looked at male brains as a standard.
(27:22):
They've never looked at female Physiology as a standard.
I mean I listen no ones letting the medical community off the
fucking hook right now. The patriarchy is the reason I
suffered for 30 extra years. We were forced to reflect in a
way we wouldn't have other No. But we wouldn't have been able
to look back under new lenses and be like, that's why I'm
(27:47):
really good at this. What we're talking about is
internalized ableism. There's something wrong with you
as opposed to there's something different with you.
And we're talking about neurotypical versus
neurodiverse. What if there wasn't a
neurotypical? Right.
You're just level of divergency.There's a lot more people out
there that have ADDADHD and you have a tribe.
(28:12):
You're not alone. It's not a stigma.
It shouldn't be a stigma and it makes you fucking interesting.
I need skills and pills. Something's happening.
I. Need skills and pills?
Hi Breathers, this is Tracy. And Lauren?
And this is the air we breathe today.
We're talking about something wedidn't know we had in common for
a long time. We got something to comment.
(00:23):
And we and people noted our quick banter and brain worms.
And that is because we both haveADHD.
Would you like to share how you found out you had ADHD?
My doctor was trying to get me consistent on my weight loss,
giving me something to jump start my metabolism.
I came back for a checkup and he's like, how are we doing?
And I was like, I don't, it didn't do anything.
(00:46):
And he's like, what are you talking about?
And I was like, I felt productive, could come home and
not stare at the wall for 1/2 anhour, but didn't feel any boost
of energy. He's like, how many cups of
coffee do you drink a day, Lauren?
I'm like, I feel like you're attacking me or can we lower
your voice a bit? Then he's like, I'm going to get
you tested for ADHD. And I said that's been an
(01:08):
ongoing joke. I took the test and I have all
of 80 of those motherfuckers oldof them certifiably.
Most live inside. Inattentive.
It's all behind. In my head, I'm not.
The perception of it. She is like you're hyper jumping
off the walls. No, babe, no.
(01:29):
You got the wrong idea. I got 15 tabs open.
Yeah, had one halfway done. I haven't even started.
There's music playing in the background.
I don't know where it's coming from or how to turn it off.
So I had a man diagnosed me as well.
He was my husband, which like I love him but that is not his
brand. The fact that he.
Clocked that I was like. How did you do?
(01:50):
I thought he had ADHD during thepandemic.
What else was I going to do other than diagnose everybody in
my family with things? So I was sending him tik toks
like hey I think this. We need to see this ball game
and. He went and got tested.
I was not wrong. He's got his own struggles.
You got 88 problems but in HDA one.
And he's. Like all those tic tacs remind
me of you, I think it actually is you that has.
(02:10):
ADHD and I'm like. I have my master's degree, so
obviously you are incorrect. The audacity.
But then I was like, all right, let me see.
Then I started finding a community of women who were
like, wait a minute. And so my husband and tic tac
diagnosed me and I got tested. I found out I'm up against a lot
of shit actually. And and they were like, you
(02:33):
know, you have idiot like because I figured it would be
like on the board. They were like, what is the
starting dose? So something interesting for me
has been realizing how much I beat myself up for being a
dysfunctional human. Now realizing I have a deficit,
it makes sense. There's a word for it and name
for it and the community. I am not broken.
(02:53):
I was just like, how is everybody else doing this?
How are people, successful adults, also having to deal with
all these things and be quiet about it?
Masking so hard because you mentioned we always knew.
What did you say about getting diagnosed?
We always knew I had an issue paying attention, daydreaming.
(03:14):
I was a check out queen disassociation city, right?
That was one of the things I experienced as a kid.
I had a weight problem. Always a chunky kid, lazy, fat,
you know, daydreaming. Why am I so tired from doing
nothing, trying to cope with being so dysregulated and so
overstimulated from eye open to eye closed with no time to
(03:36):
decompress and stare at the wall.
There is a theory about chronic illness in general, but ADHD
kind of goes under that umbrellain terms of everybody starts out
their day with so many spoons, and spoons represent energy.
You have to give up every time you have to do something.
And basically people who have like chronic pain or ADHD or
(03:56):
anything like that, we start theday with less spoons and our
spoons, we have to pay more of them to get through things.
So I'm gonna run out of my spoons way sooner than you are.
I'm learning there are things I can do to collect a couple
spoons back. I did do that on my daughter's
birthday. I over scheduled myself in the
(04:18):
past is I would have beaten myself up then like you didn't
over schedule yourself. This is how many things people
do in. It yeah, this is life.
Why are you crying? Guess who would have suffered?
My kid whose birthday it was, because that would have been the
end of the day. Yeah.
So if I held and that was how I kept myself going was like, who
can I not disappoint? And that is how I prioritize
(04:40):
things. So if I'm going to get charged
for canceling this, I'm going togo to it even if I don't really
need it. But I need to do this other
thing, correct? And then I'll burn out and flake
out and hate myself. I let the person closest to me
down because I chose them last because I trust that I can let
them down. What a fucking life.
So I was proud of myself becauseI'm like, Nope, you have to take
(05:02):
something off your plate. You held yourself accountable.
It was a necessity. Because you're just living in
your own brain. You don't know that you're
satisfied at the end of the day because you've also gone to the
grocery store and cooked dinner just to know that you're just
going to eat it and then you have to clean stuff and then do
it all again tomorrow. Pass and people are like oh I'm
so excited to go home and cook. I'm like I am broken.
(05:24):
I belong in a dumpster with my raccoon brethren have a.
Skin regiment and make yourself a well balanced smoothie.
Put on a matching workout outfit.
Go to the gym, take a shower, get dressed for work, go to
work, grocery store after work. I'm home.
(05:44):
Meal prep sounds like a hellscape.
It's easier as a woman to get diagnosed with anxiety and it
tracked for me. My anxiety was masking my ADHD.
Oh yeah, if you. Stay nervous.
You don't have to get nervous. Anxiety is the biggest lyingest
bitch. She will make you believe the
sky is purple when it's not. What is our motto?
(06:07):
Anxiety Lying Asshoe She is a perpetrator.
She will make you feel like the worst case scenario was going to
happen. Anxiety has been modeled from
something. So what is that voice?
It's capitalism, society, Instagram, competition, social
media, the hustle culture I. Literally chose a profession
(06:27):
where I could operate in a cycleof burnout.
I left everything on the field from August to June and then I
would be bedridden for five dayswhen summer started.
I have to rot. I had no reason to believe that
was OK. I felt shitty about it.
(06:49):
Oh, that's how we were raised, right?
Exactly. If you're in bed staring at the
wall, you're depressed, you're lazy, there's something wrong
with you. Get up and be a member of
society. You feel this innate guilt.
I have to do my dishes. Why do I have to do it on your
schedule? Why can't I just get it done and
be OK with my bubble? Because.
That's not how the world works. 9 to 5 jobs.
(07:10):
Your world. The world that works best for
the people telling us what the world will.
Be like and if you're lucky enough to find a job where it
can use your ADHD for the positive.
When I work with dogs, my brain is relaxed.
It's not as complicated, is not as complex, regulates me.
And they're people at jobs eating them from the inside out
(07:34):
because they're masking through the whole thing.
And that's crazy, but. You don't even know your mask.
Now that I know I have ADHD, it's like a shorthand.
I know I'm built different. I was never lazy.
I'm going to start taking my space, taking my time.
My therapist was like try giving60%.
No one will notice if they're comparing you to themselves.
I had to be at 110% all the timeor I would crumble.
(07:58):
I had to ask myself, is this sustainable?
Just because you're good at it doesn't mean it's sustainable.
They'll replace you tomorrow like.
Burnout is real, yeah. No matter what, you're a nurse
because AHD is. A lot of us are caretakers or
trainers or teacher because we notice everything.
We see patterns faster, like we pick up on things faster.
(08:21):
It is hard because you're getting that dopamine.
I'm actually good at something. I found something that fits for
the first time. I am better than normal people
at it. Dopamine you.
Need to write an e-mail to a parent just saying this and I'm
like how did you do that? I'm like how did you not?
I'm a queen here. How do you make it look so easy?
You get the dogs to listen to you.
Guess what? At the end of the day, you could
(08:42):
be that person where people willsay to you, there's no way
they're going to let you go. If they hear you want to leave,
guess what? They'll let you go because
there's others out there. Just because it speaks to my
strengths, it also ignores my limitations.
Correct. Yeah, I feel lucky.
I was late diagnosed at 38 afterI got divorced because I was
(09:03):
able to negotiate it and be accountable to myself.
Nobody else was. At fault?
It was a very nice way to get toknow myself.
This is me walking into a brand new world of me, the next level
of me, yeah. Were you living alone at this?
Point I was with my dad was a good distraction because I
(09:25):
utilized my medication to help be organized enough to work and
take care of my dad. It took down some of the
roadblock. Wait, I've never thought about
this with you. Did you tell your dad you had
ADHD? What did that conversation look
like, dude? We need to talk.
Let me spill the tea. You got this.
That's how you did it. You weren't like I have it, but
that's not what we're here to talk.
(09:46):
About I was like, dude, we need to talk.
Did he agree with? You he wasn't triggered or
anything. I wish I would have had that
conversation when he was. Healthy.
Every time I shake my Ritalin bottle, I'm shaking what my Mama
gave me. Thanks, Mom.
Undiagnosed, trying to do too much and burnout can lead to
other issues. Yes, you.
(10:07):
Mix ADHD with. Postpartum I couldn't imagine
was the. One thing I couldn't mask.
I worked three jobs while student teaching.
I taught, did extras, and tutored while getting my
master's degree. Which is why I couldn't believe
that there was a chance that I'dADHD.
The picture I had been painted was not that.
That wouldn't be possible. I'm like, maybe when I was
(10:28):
younger. Yeah, I always thought that too.
Yeah, that you could grow out ofADD.
If you take some pills and you focus real hard, it'll come out.
That's why I think it's a flex. I think it's like you are at an
age where you can actually appreciate the muscles you had
to exercise. The Fixing Nurturing Bible is
coming together, going on damagecontrol.
I'm really good at that. Yeah, I am the Hussein Bolt of
(10:51):
critical thinking. I don't want anybody to take it.
I like that part of me. Knowing I have it has actually
made me enjoy myself more. It's interesting that when you
get the late diagnosis, it is a very unique experience.
It really upended my entire identity.
It was like shaking the Boggle pieces I had to reread.
(11:12):
So I feel like that is the experience I'm having with ADHD
now that I have a schema for it,place to categorize these
things. It's like Domino's or a Lego
being built. You know what?
I mean, right in front of your face.
Yeah. Yeah, in real time.
So something I've noticed, like as a mom having ADHD, if I'm
talking to you and my kid comes to talk to me and the dog starts
(11:34):
barking and somebody's talking behind me, apparently there are
brains that can be like SHHH andthen turn this up.
I do, I know, wish I could do that.
That's what we cannot do. Crazy.
If you notice some people even in the restaurant, don't do a
lot of looking behind you or around.
(11:57):
They're not ignoring that stuff.They don't see it.
God, that's going to be nice. They can tune out.
That's what our meds help us do.For me, without the meds, I have
7 radio stations going on all atonce.
There's some music, a rerun of some show I watch.
Oh look, there's a Jingle. So much noise when I'm on the
meds. You can.
(12:17):
Close those doors. Breath Heads.
This episode is brought to you by Reminder, the new fragrance
from Johnson and Johnson with warm top notes of did you take
your pills today And a strong base note of Why didn't I set an
alarm. It'll have you smelling great
and feeling anxious all day. Reminder from Johnson and
(12:38):
Johnson. I had been a big fish in a small
pond, but I was in a Chicago Public school, and then I moved.
We moved to the suburban district with money, so there
were kids in science class and they're like here.
They're like where your goggles heat up the Bunsen burner and
I'm like, the fuck's a Bunsen burner?
(13:00):
Where are the desks? What is this room?
Is this a fucking lab? What are we doing?
Potions. I'm.
Like, excuse me, I think I belong in whatever science is
held in a classroom. I should start there.
Yeah, can we not? You're putting me in full wizard
mode and I don't know what to dowith.
This in my head, I'm just thinking, Rich, It was a rough
(13:20):
year because I was smart, but itdid not translate anymore
because my tricks, none of my tricks worked.
Like I couldn't just show up to school, listen.
Do my homework. There had been a decline
starting in puberty like around puberty and in very 80s fashion.
(13:42):
The only buddy that even said anything to me about it was my
math teachers like hey what are you doing?
Why are your grades so bad at dobetter?
Good talk thanks. Meanwhile, so my grades are like
going down down down, especiallyin my non preferred subjects
like in specifically like in math, I couldn't zone out and
then go home and teach it to myself anymore.
(14:03):
And like that was my blessing and curse was for so long.
I could half pay attention, go home and reread it like cool.
This one you had to perform. Letters started being there
instead of numbers and I'm like.What?
But it wasn't like now I couldn't.
Go yeah, you lost me. After letters become numbers,
algebra was not it for. Me If you're someone who's never
been able to teach yourself mathby reading a math textbook,
(14:27):
imagine my surprise when I was suddenly thrust into your ranks
where I'm like, wait, this used to work?
Am I getting Dumber? No, you're just finally getting
challenged and you have no skills for something that's at
your level. Correct.
So I remember being into journaling, I think in part
because I'm like, well, the train has left the station and
(14:47):
I'm not on it, so I need to at least look like I'm writing
things down. I talk about myself because I'm
14 and that's my favorite topic.I literally spent 45 minutes a
day ignoring algebra and journaling, and I remember very
vividly, which is interesting because I don't remember like
every journal entry. It felt like as time moves
forward, everybody's tied to it with a rope that it felt like
(15:10):
everybody else had a shit ton ofslack.
They're just in a parade and I'mbeing almost dragged, like
trying to Sprint just to keep up.
That visual has stuck with me. That was the first thing I
thought about when I got that sort of like understanding my
ADHD was like, that's what I wasfeeling.
Which was the worst? I'm having flashbacks.
(15:33):
Was such a drag. Everything was just barely
keeping. Them math was the fucking worst.
Try having a job working at 16 at Burger King and working the
drive through. It is all my fault.
Math sucks, not my strong suit. No bitch, you just can't do math
in the middle of a drive throughwith a headset and somebody
telling you their order. You're remembering their order
(15:55):
and you're running through getting the order that's at the
door together while this other person's telling you an order.
And then you got to remember that order.
Put it in the register to get the total so when they come to
the window you can exchange. Cash.
It was the worst. Well, and you know what?
You know what that is hard like I'd like to see somebody who
(16:18):
like has a six figure job who just is like working on a TPS
report all day. You would crumble because not
only that, you have to be good at all of that.
You have to navigate personalities.
You have to be monitoring like the stock of stuff, remembering
what they told you you were out of that's.
(16:39):
Snappy your manager communicate with different.
And emotionally regulated. You have to communicate with
everybody else in the run because you're like, I need four
more fries, I need this, I need 2 burgers, cheeseburger, I need
this burger. And I you got something in the
heads. It literally is giving me
flashbacks like I'm getting spicy pits right now sweating.
Oh, and there's a stop clock too.
(17:01):
Then they're putting you on a time restraint that starts
that's at 3 minutes. Every order should take 3
minutes to take and prepare, andyou should be giving this person
an order within 3 minutes. What happens if I don't?
The whole machine slows down andyou've got the whole lineup of
people making the burgers. I can't fit more burgers in
(17:21):
here. I've made 5 already.
Your order. It is so stressful and boiler
room esque. That's a finely tuned dance.
When you're stepping into it, you're stepping on toes and
knocking stuff over. It's like the emotional baggage
on that, the guilt that you're messing up this entire machine.
Can I just? Say if there is or if there was
(17:44):
somebody who was good at that, Are they our age now because
they should run for president? Can you imagine if we unleashed
that on something bigger, more consequential?
The talent. Right.
The bandwidth, yeah. You're going to tell me like,
here's what I'm hearing. I guess if it weren't for DEI,
(18:09):
more people who went to an Ivy League school and never had to
work until they had to and got legacied into a top college
would have jobs. If it was truly just based on
ability, well. Perhaps.
If we just say like, OK, we're all just going to create
(18:34):
interviews that take the place of you telling me of any
experience, I'm not going to askyour experience.
I'm going to interview you and see if you could do this job.
Right. Imagine what the workforce would
look like. Fuck.
That. Can we have Love is Blind for a
job interview? They did a study where they sent
the exact same resumes with veryJohn Smith sounding names and
(18:59):
then very like Juan Carlos Messina, Devante Jones and
Samantha Meyer or whatever. And across the board the men,
the one that was like a white dude would get the call even if
they were identical. There was also this thing where
the, I don't know what Symphony Orchestra, Philharmonic, it was
(19:20):
New York, but they decided they wanted to.
They were accepting more men than women and it wasn't like
less women were auditioning, it was less women were getting in.
So they set up where they couldn't see who was playing.
It was like behind a partition. And so they would the person
would walk on stage, sit down and play their peace and leave.
(19:41):
They were still finding for somereason they were under
representing women. They realized they could hear
who was wearing high heels. When they had everybody take off
their shoes, it evened out. That's so fucked up.
(20:05):
Yeah, the amount your brain wants to confirm what it already
knows, which is why when you give it a piece of undeniable
information like having ADHD, you're like, I can't deny this.
They showed me the data. Oh my gosh, what I used to
(20:27):
believe is not true anymore. But you have to be willing to be
open. Does sound like somebody's going
to come up to you at 42 and be like, hey, I had my friend here,
Doctor Samson, come watch you while you were trying to make
dinner and take some notes. We've decided to put you on an
intervention plan and see if youneed testing.
Nobody just busts into your house.
Should be our TLC show what not to endure.
(20:50):
You no longer have to live with nothing.
And or with a. Disability.
Somebody follow me around work. Lauren, you don't need to be
dealing with this girl. Here's the data.
Let's go. We have the doctor from our
cadre of doctors. You're not a garbage monster.
You have ADHD. You're not a Martian.
You have something called autism, and you're smarter than
(21:13):
most people. Here are 87 things that guess
what all of us cannot do. They can be like, wait, you
can't do that. Like you can't name pie up until
the like 600th digit. No bro.
But you can. That's pretty cool.
That's our show what not to endure mental health.
You're not crazy, you're just putting up with too much
(21:35):
bullshit. If you're not regulated, we're
not regulated. What not to endure?
I have a lot take. There's so many people.
Is it really a disability or just a different evolutionary
like? Like an evolutionary flag like.
We come up with these symptoms. The reason you get diagnosed is
(21:56):
because it is getting in the wayof your everyday life.
Schools sometimes say they're doing too well.
Like we're not going to give them support because they don't
need it. But like, that's not how this
works. If it's really is a disability,
then it's a disability. So if you can outperform a
disability, perhaps it's a societal thing.
Is it outdated expectations on our time?
(22:19):
Humans are evolving. For me, ADHD, I'm going a mile a
minute in my head. I'm not out here jumping on a
trampoline. I'm 5 steps ahead, tied your
shoes. I'm almost done with the race.
These parameters were all set when we didn't have screens in
our fucking faces constantly. The info dump that you get on a
minute. Basis So if as a collective
(22:40):
society our attention span is shrinking, like wouldn't the
people that struggle with that now be the ones that.
Have a disability? I think this is the case for
like a lot of like mental healthissues is like, like I think
about like, are there things that would be an illness here?
(23:01):
But like I moved to a different culture.
Would it be better? My roommates in college, I was
having a graduation party and I'm like, hey, are you guys
coming or not? They kept like, what are you
doing? I'm asking you to RSVP like it's
totally fine, whatever. And they were like, oh, that's
not a thing for us. I'm like, what do you do?
If you throw a party? They're like, you make enough
food for everybody you invited and have your party.
(23:24):
And I was like, what? What metrics are you even?
I have no guidelines. Listen, I love a guideline.
Yes, I love a map. Bullet points are always have
always been your friend. I actually love that because I
always get too much food anyway.If I'm at a party where they
(23:45):
didn't order enough food, I'm angry at you.
You have a visceral response like you were.
The lack of consideration is astounding when you don't have
enough food at a fucking party. Oh my God, when somebody's like,
hey, I'm going to order some pizzas and like, how many do you
think? Because I'm.
Like you, I mean, I'm sorry if you're been around eight adults
(24:05):
and somebody orders one pizza. This bitch is with how many?
With the fingers, Yeah. Don't you know This is Mary Beth
Mary Ann from a Women's Place magazine and we are so happy to
once again sponsor an episode. Don't miss this month's cover
story. ADAP stands for Always Denying
(24:27):
His Downfalls, an article about how she can ignore her diagnosis
to focus helping him cover up his women's plays.
Magazine for the. Woman who knows her plays.
I think ADHD and neuro spicy people are so much and more
interesting. There's so many more layers.
What is neuro spicy? That's neurodivergent.
(24:50):
So you have neurotypical and neurodivergent is like the new
terms that people probably complain about South.
Neurotypical is like what is expected, like what is typical.
Like if you had 100 kids and youhad all the same like
parameters, the bell curve wouldbe that they would do this.
And then neurodivergent just means like you're on different
(25:12):
parts of that bell curve, whether it's like you're high IQ
is significantly high, your IQ is significantly low.
Like you're just whatever brain comparisons, you're not in the,
you're in the minority, which isI think why people are now
freaking out because they're like, who the why are there so
many? Well, because like your bell
curve was based on a very limited population.
(25:36):
Science grows and improves, and people were probably always like
this. It's human.
It didn't use to it. It's a hindrance because now we
expect everything to be fast andon time.
I think ADHD got caught in boys earlier because men basically
have been shaped to just be capitalism.
(25:58):
Like that's what in terms of thepatriarchy, it's like, yes, the
way you act is the way, but guess what?
The joke is on you because the way you act is the way we're
teaching you to act. Which is like good little
soldiers, right? Because you cannot have think
about all we know about military, right?
And that was historically just amen's thing.
Historically, yeah. Don't nobody want a bunch of
(26:20):
free thinkers in military? The whole reason that everybody
looks the same acts the same. Your dad explained this.
You have to be able to just defer.
Eat now, taste it later. You have to.
Lose yourself. Don't.
Enjoy that in the. Music the moment you own it.
Sorry, I'm thinking of that as abreeding.
(26:40):
We've been breeding workhorses, right?
And then that's where things like ADHD came up.
They're not doing the working thing.
Something wrong? To drunk them, yeah.
Defective and then like medicate.
Well, first it was like eradicate for women.
It it was fine for us to have ADHD so be so hyper that we're
meant we have to like we just would be like manically
(27:02):
cleaning. And also, you know what I was
thinking about recently. Do you know how housewives would
get? Prescribed speed 1000%.
Dude, you've been medicating women for ADHD for eons.
We are still. Learning the difference between
a female's brain and a male's brain.
They've only looked at male brains as a standard.
(27:22):
They've never looked at female Physiology as a standard.
I mean I listen no ones letting the medical community off the
fucking hook right now. The patriarchy is the reason I
suffered for 30 extra years. We were forced to reflect in a
way we wouldn't have other No. But we wouldn't have been able
to look back under new lenses and be like, that's why I'm
(27:47):
really good at this. What we're talking about is
internalized ableism. There's something wrong with you
as opposed to there's something different with you.
And we're talking about neurotypical versus
neurodiverse. What if there wasn't a
neurotypical? Right.
You're just level of divergency.There's a lot more people out
there that have ADDADHD and you have a tribe.
(28:12):
You're not alone. It's not a stigma.
It shouldn't be a stigma and it makes you fucking interesting.
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