Picture this: your life as a cup, brimming with responsibilities—how do you pour in healthy habits without causing a spill? 🫗
It's all about understanding your bandwidth.
Today we're walking the tightrope between self-kindness and self-improvement.
We'll navigate through the noise of daily to-dos and offer you a lifeline of practical strategies for pinpointing that sweet spot where you can confidently welcome new wellness routines without tipping over.
In this heart-to-heart, we confront the tidal wave of expectations and the art of saying "I'll think about it" instead of an immediate yes. 🙋🏻♀️
I'll share personal anecdotes and the empowering steps I've taken to redistribute chores and set boundaries in my own home.
It's not just about shedding the load; it's about sharing it, teaching responsibility to those around us, and dismantling the sly beast of 'weaponized incompetence' that so often hampers our efforts to delegate.
As we wrap up, I leave you with a treasure trove of affirmations and energy management tips to safeguard your time and well-being.
By the end of our time together, you'll be ready to stand guard at the gates of self-care, armed with newfound strategies that promise to enhance your life's quality, one intentional step at a time.
…..
Don’t know how to start effectively journaling? 📖
Download your free 3D Journaling Guide here: https://heathersayerslehman.com/journal/
Ready to improve your self-care game? 💕
Download 3 Foundational Meta-Skills for Healthy Living that Lasts here: https://heathersayerslehman.com/meta-skills/
Trying to figure out if a program or activity will actually promote healthy behavior change? 🙋🏻♀️
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi and welcome to the Air we Breathe.
I'm your host, heatherSears-Laman.
I'm a national board certifiedhealth and wellness coach,
certified intuitive eatingcounselor and certified personal
trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion.
The Air we Breathe a findingwellbeing that works for you is
a podcast created to help youestablish a trusted foundation
(00:22):
of doable healthy habits andsmart self-care skills that can
endure every season and last youa lifetime.
My guests and I will share waysthat you can focus on your
physical and mental health withpurpose, flexibility and ease.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
disordered eating.
We minimize mentions ofspecific behaviors and numbers,
(00:43):
but it's still a topicnonetheless.
There also could be somesquares and or adult language
here.
Choose wisely if those areproblematic for you.
Hi everyone and welcome to thisepisode on bandwidth.
Why do we need to talk aboutbandwidth?
(01:04):
When we are looking at addinghabits or kicking our habits up
a notch, it's always good toassess how much bandwidth do I
have?
How am I doing, and is this agood time?
Because what happens isinevitably we will decide.
(01:25):
Maybe for external reasons,maybe we're not seeing a result
that we want.
Maybe we're being hard onourselves.
Maybe we've been haven't beenas consistent as we like, and
then we say, okay, now's thetime, this is time we need to do
this, to give yourself afighting chance to do well.
It can be really helpful tounderstand where you are with
(01:49):
your bandwidth in a first place.
Some of us have more controlthan others over our bandwidth.
Many of us might be in a jobthat doesn't give a lot of
freedom or latitude.
We might have moreresponsibilities at home than
other people do.
(02:09):
We might have more constraintson what we can and cannot do,
and that might be physically,emotionally.
So we don't just have thefreedom to say, oh, you know
what, this is really hard on me.
(02:30):
So if somebody was caring for afriend, a child, a parent that
needed a lot of help, you can'tjust say I really need to free
up some bandwidth here.
But what we want to do is lookat how we can work with the
bandwidth we have and makechanges there or make decisions
that now is not a good time todo this.
(02:52):
Maybe I should wait until timewhere I do have more bandwidth.
Ultimately, we don't want tostart on habits that we're not
going to be able to keep up, andI think that looking at
bandwidth is really just an actof self-kindness, so that we are
giving ourself considerationand our external circumstances
(03:17):
consideration as well, becauseobviously it's not very kind to
just tell yourself OK, youshould be able to do this, go do
it.
Good luck to me.
We really want to have a deeperconversation with ourself, so
I'm going to walk through fourdifferent steps that I think are
really helpful to assessbandwidth.
(03:37):
So we were working togetherone-on-one.
These are the steps that wewould be going through when we
get to the part of, because Ialways talk about why do you
want to do this, why is itimportant?
And then, really, how muchability do you have to do this
today?
Also, we look forward and backjust to see how your bandwidth
(04:00):
has changed.
The first step is assessing yourbandwidth.
How do I know how muchbandwidth I actually have to
invest in habits and again,please apply this to yourself
this can be for new habits, thiscan be escalating habits that
you have.
This can be restarting habitsyou had before.
I like to use a little 0 to 10scale, so it doesn't have to be
(04:26):
fancy, but 0 is I am treadingwater.
I have a 0 bandwidth.
I am barely functioning as itis.
10 is footloose and fancy free.
I'm feeling so good, I have somuch time, I've got resources,
maybe I've got money to throw atit, but you know what More is
(04:50):
more I'm doing so well.
So you want to look within that0 to 10.
Decide where you are and atwhat number would you feel
comfortable adding more?
Now this for our Type A honeys,who have a constant internal
(05:19):
stress on what you should orshouldn't be doing, and whatever
you're doing is probably notenough and you could be doing
more.
We really want to again take akinder, softer look at our
numbers and what is reasonableto add more, and I always have
(05:40):
people set a number forthemselves because it doesn't
really matter what.
I think it matters what's goingto work for you.
So I definitely.
If I'm hearing like I might geta one or a two, that might not
be a great time, but we're alsogoing to talk about freeing up
(06:01):
bandwidth.
So, whatever that number is foryou, definitely jot it down and
ask yourself the question do Ihave any free time?
Is there time of day where Iactually would have five minutes
(06:22):
, 10 minutes, 20 minutes an hourand also the question am I
wasting time on anything?
I will give a hearty yes,probably to myself, because do I
waste time doing things?
Certainly like social media, orI definitely watch some dumb
movies or shows that I couldlive without, and I'm just
(06:47):
wasting time actually watchingthem and I don't think it's
replenishing me.
And people can go back andforth on this if they want, and
it's not because I just need tobe productive 24 seven and I
really need to be doing all ofthe things to take care of
myself.
You can waste as much time asyou would like.
There are definitely timeswhere I wish I was doing
(07:10):
something that was morereplenishing and nourishing to
myself than what I'm actuallydoing.
So these pieces of assessingzero to 10, how do you feel?
At what number would you feelcomfortable adding more?
Do I have any free time and amI wasting time on anything?
Those are what I would do first, to assess your bandwidth.
(07:32):
Also, my voice cracked so Iwould look at it as if we're
having conversation.
I'm completely objective whensomebody is talking to me about
this, so you don't want to putyour twist of oh, you don't have
any bandwidth because you're sodumb.
(07:53):
You're always saying yes tothings.
You need to say no or whateverguilt trip, kind of negative
inner talk.
You just really want to lookand see like where am I?
Do I have any free time?
I wasting time?
So just ask yourself thosequestions, the same way that I
would ask you.
The next piece is freeing upbandwidth.
(08:15):
So again, we're all over thespectrum and some people this
may be easier for and then somepeople this may be difficult.
Also, it can be easier becauseyou might be a more easy breezy
person.
You know what.
I don't feel bad saying no tothis.
And it might be more difficultif you're like oh my gosh, the
(08:35):
world's going to fall off myaxis.
If it's axis, if I say no, I'mgoing to be a bad person.
People are going to hate me,everything's going to be over.
So your approach to this willactually make a big difference.
But again, I'm going to gothrough the questions.
We're just going to look atthem objectively what can I take
off of my plate?
So if I want to take somethingoff of my plate to free up my
(08:59):
bandwidth, I have to look at Imean it might seem a little
overwhelming at what I'm doingwhat is on my plate, and I
always like to hearken back tomy single parent days and there
were things that perhaps I wasdoing and that maybe my kids
(09:23):
could do.
I didn't have a significantother through most of it, and
sometimes I had a significantother.
They weren't helpful anyway, sogood thing I just took him off
my plate.
Anyway, when I look at this, Ineed to look at what am I doing?
(09:44):
So dishes, laundry, grocerycleaning, changing the sheets,
all of these things, what arethe things that I'm doing?
And again, then you might falloff your chair if you look at
this list and you're like, oh mygosh, I'm doing all the things.
But I think it's helpful If,okay, I'm paying the bills, I'm
(10:04):
also working, I do help myin-laws, but just get it all
down and write down this hugelaundry list.
And I think this is going to behelpful in a way, because
sometimes you're like why am Iso lazy?
Why can't I add these habits?
What is my problem?
(10:25):
And so this list might give youa little more insight as to
quote, unquote what your problemis, but why it's so difficult.
So if I find some things onthis list that I know that I
could probably offload.
It's something that doesn't needto be done by me.
So I have that in my work.
(10:45):
There are certain things that Ineed to do, but there are
absolutely other things thatother people could do.
It doesn't have to be done byme, but, like this podcast right
now, it's going to be done byme.
I got to do this part, but whenit comes to editing or social
media, things like that, otherpeople can do it.
So back to who is going to takeit.
(11:06):
So let's just make a couple ofdecisions here, and I always
especially like when I had kidsgetting out of the house
nightmare, total nightmarebecause again it's oh, surprise,
you're going to need your shoes, surprise, you're going to have
to take your homework with you.
But when we look at what's onthe plate and so maybe that is
(11:31):
policing, the let's get ready togo, who's going to take that?
So maybe there are things thatI'm absolutely need to hand down
to my kids, because I will saythis now as having kids that are
21 and 23, they're going tohave to do that stuff anyway,
and I don't think it helpsanyone to not have very many
(11:51):
responsibilities when they aregoing to leave the house and
have a lot of responsibilities.
I will say this also in raisingtwo sons, that I never wanted
them to be.
That guy that, oh, I don't knowhow to do it, oh, I'm not sure
where it goes.
I don't really know what issalmon, I don't.
(12:12):
Does it go in the microwave?
I didn't want to have that guythat was not helpful to his
partner at all.
I wanted to have two competent,helpful young men that would go
out in the world and hopefullymaybe make somebody's life
easier and not be the burdenthat many partners can be Anywho
(12:37):
.
So back to the who.
There are things that we couldhand off and so that can be easy
.
Things like getting an outfitready the night before, and this
goes for all the people.
So for me, I lay out my clothesfor workout the night before.
When I used to work in acorporate setting, I would go to
(12:59):
the gym before work.
So I had to do a lot of thingsbecause I had to lay out my
workout clothes and then my workclothes and then give me lunch
ready, breakfast, like all ofthose things.
Is there somebody else that canhelp with this?
That was it.
Mental health end.
When I say help, I don't meanquote unquote help.
(13:23):
The dynamic that you never wantto set up is like that All of
these things that are on yourplate are your responsibility
and now you're just asking forhelp.
Nay good person, that is nottrue, because when it comes to
getting out my kids out the door, this is not all my
responsibility.
And perhaps, if we're lookingat things involving our home and
(13:49):
the multitude of chores thatneed to be done in our home,
these are not my responsibility.
That then other people arehelping me with.
If you live in my home or youenjoy my home frequently, you're
a member of this community andcommunity members take care of
our home.
I think and I've seen a lot offeedback when people set up this
(14:12):
dynamic, they're like ooh,we're helping mom, you're not
helping mom.
Wash your clothes.
I'm doing you a favor bywashing your clothes, so don't
act like you're doing me a favorif you put it away.
These are your clothes.
So try to hold that energy,because the first energy of oh
(14:36):
look, we're all helping mom, no,that makes people feel more
entitled, but oh, this reallyisn't my responsibility, and
again they're going to walk outinto the world and be shocked at
the responsibility theyactually have.
And, man, I could do 1,600episodes when it comes to
(14:59):
partners.
Because at my late age of 52,almost 53, I am not here to take
care of a grown-up.
I am not here to mentor agrown-up of how to take care of
things.
I'm not here to spend my energyon telling a grown-up how to be
a grown-up.
That's not my job.
(15:20):
Have I signed up for thispreviously?
You, betcha, and that's why I'mtalking about it, because it
stinks, it takes up so much timeand energy and it's a total
waste.
Because if somebody wanted toact like a grown-up, they would
be acting like a grown-up.
And me trying to train agrown-up to be a grown-up?
(15:43):
No, absolutely not, becausethere are plenty of
opportunities to figure it outyourself.
Not that in a relationship youdon't have to have communication
and get specific about things,but if someone is a sack of
potatoes, they are that bychoice.
They have been enabled to dothat.
Whether that's you or somebodyelse, their ineptitude has
(16:06):
absolutely been enabledhistorically.
Again, that's many episodeswe're looking at who is going to
take it.
And a caveat does this need tobe done as well?
So I would say, if I'm talkingabout laundry, yeah, I like
clean clothes, but if it'stalking about cleaning the
(16:27):
baseboards, does somebody needto take that?
I don't know.
Do your baseboards need to bethat clean?
Do you need to clean them thatoften Are there things that are
on your plate that maybe don'tneed to be on anybody's plate?
Next question so do I want agradual approach of taking these
things off my plate, or do Iwant this to be all at once?
(16:51):
So can it be broken down?
So, if I'm talking about myexample, let's just say laundry,
and I will say, personally Ienjoy doing laundry.
I like for my clothes to beclean, I like for them to be
neat, I like for them to beorganized.
This comes from growing up,going to laundromats and never
having the choice of havingclean clothes or not, because I
(17:12):
was a kid, so I like it Makes mefeel good to be able to do it.
Have you ever felt like thedo-it-yourself approach to
improving your healthy habitsends up doing nothing except
making you feel overwhelmed,guilty and defeated?
Have you been struggling tofind sustainable routines that
(17:32):
work for your responsibilities,lifestyle, budget and personal
preferences?
You don't need more rules,influencers or structured
programs.
Let me help you discover whatyou want, what works for you and
how to maintain healthy habitsduring the ever changing
circumstances of your life.
If you're ready to createsystems that stick head to
(17:54):
heathersayerslaymancom backslash, health dash coaching and click
, let's Do it.
So if we're handing off laundrybecause the wee ones can
certainly learn to do laundryagain all of these need to be
(18:14):
age appropriate.
It needs to be appropriate tothe responsibilities they've had
.
So we don't just say it lookslike you're doing your laundry.
So if I wanted to do a gradualapproach, then that could focus
more on bringing your laundryand sorting it out here in the
laundry room.
That's one step and then itcould involve OK, now it's all
(18:35):
sorted, so now you are going toput it into the washer and then
whatever, you can have a littlesticky note there with the
directions.
You can use nail polish to markoff what buttons need to be
pushed, but you can absolutelymake some guides for information
(18:57):
how to do this.
And then, well then it's done.
It's saying it's little song,what comes next?
Put it in the dryer.
So the big problem I think thatcomes when people are looking to
change these things is it takeswork to hand them off and that
(19:18):
can really deter a lot of peoplebecause it's like now, this is
going to take forever because Ihave to teach someone to do it,
and they're stomping their feetand they don't want to Do not be
deterred by this step.
So we don't want weaponizedincompetence, where somebody is
just going to do it wrong andthey're going to put red socks
in your white clothes all thetime because then they're like,
(19:39):
oh, I guess I don't have to doit.
Nay, good person, absolutelynot.
So do I want to take a gradualapproach?
Do I just want to say, hey,this is yours.
So again, this can go for kids,this can go for partners.
This is also appropriate in awork setting Depending.
I don't know how much I wouldthrow back at my boss, but
(20:00):
absolutely can we ask questionsabout?
I don't think I have thebandwidth to do this and can
this be taken off my plate.
So there are a lot of differentways and different people that
you can ask.
So here is a caveat, as I liketo say.
So how am I going to ask thisperson?
(20:21):
So what's my attitude or angle?
This is where it's reallyimportant to not pronounce that
you need help, that they need tohelp you with your chores, and
I watched something reallyinteresting recently I think it
was just a reel what it wastalking about within the gender
(20:43):
duties of a household.
So we're talking about what'stypically a masculine chore and
what is typically a femininechore.
The feminine ones are ongoingand never ending and the
masculine ones tend to be veryfinite.
Take out the trash.
I took out the trash.
Now I'm done.
Versus laundry we will all bedoing laundry until we die.
(21:05):
We will all probably be washingdishes until we die.
We will be cleaning our toiletsuntil we die, but many of those
things that fall onto mowing ayard it depends on what the
season is we're trimming a tree.
We only have to trim our treeswhere we live once a year.
Just take a peek-see if you arein a relationship where things
(21:32):
because usually even in arelationship with the same
gender, like that kind of tendsto fall into these camps of many
of the people that I've coachedand talked to.
So again, I think it's reallyimportant that your attitude and
angle is that this load needsto be distributed more evenly.
(21:54):
And again, who's happy aboutthat?
Generally nobody.
So be prepared, and that's fine, because when you are doing
this you're not going to get apause, but you will get
bandwidth, and that's what we'relooking for.
So what reminders am I preparedto give?
(22:15):
So this bleeds back into thisis your job, and now it's your
job to remind people to do theirjobs and, again, as a grownup,
I am not here to be reminded agrownup of what they need to do.
So what is it that I can do tocreate somebody's self reminders
(22:40):
, like, how do people remindthemselves and slowly come out
of the loop?
So, again, if you're talkingabout kids, this takes time,
certainly, and they have to havenatural consequences.
I was supposed to do my laundry, I didn't do my laundry and now
my basketball jersey is notclean and I've got to go to the
(23:03):
game wearing a dirty andwrinkled Okay then, hopefully
you won't have to do that veryoften.
Hopefully you won't have to goto very many games watching your
kid in their gross, stinky,wrinkled uniform, because they
will have understood why it'simportant for them to do this.
I just try to do anything I canto get myself out of the
(23:27):
reminder Because, again, thisharkens back to this is all my
responsibility anyway.
Now, when it comes to thingsthat are affecting the community
, I think that if you findyourself in a place with a lot
of reminding, then these itemsbecome a priority before other
(23:49):
items start.
So certainly again, if we'retalking about kids yeah, you
don't get to play Xbox for twohours If you have not unloaded
the dishwasher and puteverything away.
There are ways to make these ahigher priority for them,
because the fun stuff doesn'tbegin.
(24:10):
Is this a little harder with apartner?
Yes, it is, and again, I couldmake this so long when talking
about partners, and maybe I willdo that at a later date really
like deep dive in here.
But you don't want to be like anagging this person about this
thing that they were supposed todo.
So is there something and thismight sound really petty that I
(24:35):
don't do because they're notdoing their thing?
And maybe I'm just opening up acan of worms here, but let's
just say again, I love doinglaundry and I do the laundry.
But if I have asked someone totake the things out of the
garage and have a goodwill pickthem up, or I'm going to, or you
(25:00):
go drop them up, a goodwill.
So we're talking like donations.
Okay, then what if I didn't doany laundry until those things
got done?
And so if that person thenwants to start doing their own
laundry, okay, we're gonna haveto adjust our tactic.
(25:22):
But if that person is like, ohwait, I don't have any clean
clothes, and I say, yeah, I waswaiting for you to take that
stuff to goodwill before Istarted doing laundry again
because I was unsure if youwould do it.
And now it seems like youhaven't.
And we're back here to the sameplace where I'm supposed to ask
you again.
Okay, maybe that sounds superpetty.
I'm not a relationship expert,but I am really tired of taking
(25:45):
care of adults who can becompetent enough to do their own
things.
So freeing up what can I takeoff my plate?
Who's going to take it?
Do I want it all once approach?
Do I want a gradual approach?
In what way will I ask them,kind of, what's my attitude,
what's my angle and whatreminders am I prepared to give
or to not give?
(26:05):
Okay, so managing how do wemanage our bandwidth or our
energy level?
One piece that's reallyimportant is what other habits
keep my energy going.
So the first one that comes tomind here for me is sleep.
I have to have sleep.
(26:27):
Especially since I have had mythyroid removed.
I don't have like extra energy.
I don't have the oh my gosh, Istayed up so late, but I feel
okay, that does not happen forme.
So I have to really look at mysleep level and make sure that I
am prioritizing sleep.
(26:47):
So what other habits mightcontribute to your energy level?
Let's just say I go on a benderof eating a lot of food that's
harder for me to digest or makesme feel sleepy or makes me feel
lethargic.
Then that's going to kind oftank my energy level If I am
(27:08):
taking on too much emotionally.
So let's just say maybe therehas been something and I'm
grieving and I'm having a reallyhard time with that.
Is there anything else?
Is this something that I shouldbe talking to a professional
about?
Should I be journaling aboutthis more?
(27:30):
I say it every time.
I like to say it.
If you are unsure of how tostart journaling, you can always
go to heathersairslaymancombackslush journal and download
my 3D journaling guide.
But looking at these otherthings that are going to keep my
energy going, because the waythat we take care of ourselves
(27:50):
absolutely contributes to ourbandwidth, because if I'm saying
I don't have any bandwidth butI stay up an hour too late, doom
scrolling on my phone likewhere we go, we've got something
to trim off here, but we canreally look at what.
Anytime you're looking at whatzaps your energy, then you
(28:10):
really have the remedy to whatgives you energy, which, when we
are managing.
How do we decide also what elseto take on?
How do I decide?
Invitation is small and large.
Many things are not aninvitation.
My mother-in-law washospitalized last fall and
(28:35):
needed a lot of care.
I saw her son showing up dailyat the hospital and at the rehab
facility and then she movedback home.
Do I think at that time heprobably got as much exercise
and sleep as he wanted to?
Absolutely not.
(28:55):
And was he probably hanging byhis fingernails?
I would guess so.
But that's what the situationcalled for and he stepped up and
he did it.
And sometimes life is like thatand we don't always get an ask
about what we can do with ourbandwidth.
So I always keep those types ofthings in mind, because it bugs
(29:18):
me when people are like we allhave the same 24 hours?
We don't.
And I could list a bazillionreasons why we don't.
So could he have said you knowwhat, mom?
I know you're temporarilyparalyzed right now, but I
really need to get back totennis.
Sorry, he could have, and somepeople do.
Look at what we are taking on.
(29:42):
So let's just say there's a bigPTA fundraiser, there is going
to be a big event at work andthey need a lot of help with
that.
Where am I bandwidth wise,before I say yes to this?
And again, this can playheavily into your concept of
self and if I'm not beinghelpful, who am I and what am I
(30:06):
doing?
So I always really think thatwe never say yes in the moment.
We absolutely can be like letme get back to you on that.
I got to check some things, butyou don't always have to say
yes and then you can reallyassess if there's something you
want to take on or if you'rejust like no, because I'm going
(30:27):
through this whole process rightnow, because I'm trying to add
some new healthy habits, and nowthere's this big event that
needs scheduled.
Like I can't do it.
So be sure you don't say yes inthe moment.
Okay, the last piece isdefending your bandwidth.
So is there any area that Ineed to push back on?
When we're looking at ourplates, is there anything coming
(30:51):
up that I can decline, butagain, it's always one thing to
look at what does my plate looklike today, but absolutely are
there other things coming downthe road and you might be free
to decline and push back onthose things, and I talked about
this before.
But how can I ask for help orencourage others to be
independent?
(31:11):
I personally just think thatthis is incredibly helpful
because, again, your kids willleave home.
Some people really struggle withthe need to be needed and that
comes from a lot of places.
That is our social messaging.
Certainly to myself as a womanis it's important to be helpful.
So that can be reallychallenging when you're trying
(31:35):
to encourage others to helpthemselves, because then what is
my value if you're helpingyourself?
How do I help others?
See the value of pitching in.
So back to what I was saying,again easier with kids and adult
.
But this is a community, myhome is a community and that
(31:57):
this family helps each other andwe do not and I'm really frank
with my kids about stuff likethis because again, I'm very
concerned about them becomingthat guy but that we have a
community and we take care ofour community together.
So if we're talking about morea little bit farther out.
(32:20):
So we're talking about, like,siblings and parents and those
things like that.
I think that having reallyfrank conversations about
responsibilities in the familyand who's doing what are
important, because, absolutely,when it comes to the care of
parents, sometimes somebody iscloser and somebody is doing way
more than everybody else andthat is hard all around.
(32:41):
We were talking about socialsituations or work situations.
It can be very challenging toget people to see the value of
pitching in and a lot of peopleare like I don't want to do
anything else.
I'm doing a lot right now andthat can be a big challenge and
(33:02):
what can I do with thenegativity?
So, again, I said before, ifyou're asking people to do stuff
, a lot of times you get a lotof pushback.
And when I look at so we talkedabout in a couple of episodes
ago we're talking about stressmanagement and figuring out your
why, like why do I want to workon this?
Hopefully you have done that,because that North Star of like
(33:26):
why is this important to me?
Okay, I said I wanted to feelpeaceful, I wanted to feel
carefree, I want to be confident, whatever it is that you are
wanting is wrapped up in this.
So when we're looking atdefending against the negativity
.
You have that North Star andholding it close to your heart,
(33:51):
that mm-mm.
I said I want to feel confidentand content.
Confident and content andWonder Woman style with her big
shiny cuffs like phew, lettingthings bounce off of you,
because this is not about you.
When people have a negativereaction, it's because they
don't want to do something.
(34:11):
And before agreements, nottaking it personally can be
incredibly helpful, becauseusually somebody's response
isn't about you anyway, but justunderstanding that this is
about their reluctance.
And that's fine, becausesometimes if somebody asks me,
I'm like, oh, I really want to.
(34:32):
We all do it.
But if we are trying to evenout a workload so you can free
up some bandwidth, expecting thenegativity but also
understanding it's not about youand it's very important that
you are defending your ownbandwidth.
There are different things thatyou can say to yourself when it
(34:53):
comes to all four of thesethings.
So we've got assessing yourbandwidth, freeing up bandwidth,
managing bandwidth anddefending your bandwidth To
really get to a place where youcan tell yourself I am worthy of
taking care of myself.
And I think that can sound alittle corny, it's not a little
hokey, but I am worthy of takingcare of myself.
(35:16):
If something like that isharder for you to say because
you have been raised in the veinof helping and doing for others
, then you can say my communityis better served when I am
taking care of myself or if I amat my best.
Because, also, if we don't fillour cups, if we're just
(35:36):
spilling our cups, giving awayour cups, then we don't have
anything for ourselves.
We are cranky, disconnected,short, certainly not loving.
We don't ask people as manyquestions as I was your day.
We don't have that connectionwith them if we are not taking
care of ourselves.
So that may be a better one foryou.
(35:56):
My community is better servedwhen I am taking care of myself
and at my best.
So when I talk about thesesteps, hopefully you did a
little pause and jotting down.
Pause and jotting down.
There's also information in theshow notes as a reminder if you
didn't catch it all.
But adding small amounts beforelarge amounts is so much more
(36:23):
successful.
I say that all the time, butit's not that like when you're
freeing up bandwidth.
It doesn't have to be so youcan go to the gym for an hour
and a half, it could be, so youcould do a 10 minute stretching
routine.
It could be so you could justhave 10 minutes of peace and
staring out a window, but itdoesn't mean that it necessarily
(36:45):
needs to be for an Ironman oran Ultra Marathon.
And so small things beget moresmall things.
Success begets success.
So making sure that you'reapproaching it in a way that you
can be successful is incrediblyhelpful.
Hopefully, these four stepshelp you with looking at your
(37:07):
bandwidth Because, again, Ithink it's just so important for
you to realize that you'redefinitely not here in service
to everybody else, but takingcare of yourself really helps
you to feel better, to just havea better attitude every day,
because it's hard feeling cranky, it's hard feeling resentful
(37:29):
and angry and broken.
So I hope that you can use thatNorth Star to help you keep
moving forward and freeing upsome bandwidth so that you can
put habits in place that helpyou take care of yourself.
All right, good luck to you.
Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun?
(37:51):
If you popped over to myInstagram at Heather Sears-Laman
and dropped me a DM and let meknow what topics you want me to
cover?
Something bugging you?
Something holding you up?
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow theshow or you can leave a five
(38:13):
star review on Appler's Spotify.
That would be fun too.
See you in the next episode.
Hi and welcome to the Air we Breathe.
I'm your host, heatherSears-Laman.
I'm a national board certifiedhealth and wellness coach,
certified intuitive eatingcounselor and certified personal
trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion.
The Air we Breathe a findingwellbeing that works for you is
a podcast created to help youestablish a trusted foundation
(00:22):
of doable healthy habits andsmart self-care skills that can
endure every season and last youa lifetime.
My guests and I will share waysthat you can focus on your
physical and mental health withpurpose, flexibility and ease.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
disordered eating.
We minimize mentions ofspecific behaviors and numbers,
(00:43):
but it's still a topicnonetheless.
There also could be somesquares and or adult language
here.
Choose wisely if those areproblematic for you.
Hi everyone and welcome to thisepisode on bandwidth.
Why do we need to talk aboutbandwidth?
(01:04):
When we are looking at addinghabits or kicking our habits up
a notch, it's always good toassess how much bandwidth do I
have?
How am I doing, and is this agood time?
Because what happens isinevitably we will decide.
(01:25):
Maybe for external reasons,maybe we're not seeing a result
that we want.
Maybe we're being hard onourselves.
Maybe we've been haven't beenas consistent as we like, and
then we say, okay, now's thetime, this is time we need to do
this, to give yourself afighting chance to do well.
It can be really helpful tounderstand where you are with
(01:49):
your bandwidth in a first place.
Some of us have more controlthan others over our bandwidth.
Many of us might be in a jobthat doesn't give a lot of
freedom or latitude.
We might have moreresponsibilities at home than
other people do.
(02:09):
We might have more constraintson what we can and cannot do,
and that might be physically,emotionally.
So we don't just have thefreedom to say, oh, you know
what, this is really hard on me.
(02:30):
So if somebody was caring for afriend, a child, a parent that
needed a lot of help, you can'tjust say I really need to free
up some bandwidth here.
But what we want to do is lookat how we can work with the
bandwidth we have and makechanges there or make decisions
that now is not a good time todo this.
(02:52):
Maybe I should wait until timewhere I do have more bandwidth.
Ultimately, we don't want tostart on habits that we're not
going to be able to keep up, andI think that looking at
bandwidth is really just an actof self-kindness, so that we are
giving ourself considerationand our external circumstances
(03:17):
consideration as well, becauseobviously it's not very kind to
just tell yourself OK, youshould be able to do this, go do
it.
Good luck to me.
We really want to have a deeperconversation with ourself, so
I'm going to walk through fourdifferent steps that I think are
really helpful to assessbandwidth.
(03:37):
So we were working togetherone-on-one.
These are the steps that wewould be going through when we
get to the part of, because Ialways talk about why do you
want to do this, why is itimportant?
And then, really, how muchability do you have to do this
today?
Also, we look forward and backjust to see how your bandwidth
(04:00):
has changed.
The first step is assessing yourbandwidth.
How do I know how muchbandwidth I actually have to
invest in habits and again,please apply this to yourself
this can be for new habits, thiscan be escalating habits that
you have.
This can be restarting habitsyou had before.
I like to use a little 0 to 10scale, so it doesn't have to be
(04:26):
fancy, but 0 is I am treadingwater.
I have a 0 bandwidth.
I am barely functioning as itis.
10 is footloose and fancy free.
I'm feeling so good, I have somuch time, I've got resources,
maybe I've got money to throw atit, but you know what More is
(04:50):
more I'm doing so well.
So you want to look within that0 to 10.
Decide where you are and atwhat number would you feel
comfortable adding more?
Now this for our Type A honeys,who have a constant internal
(05:19):
stress on what you should orshouldn't be doing, and whatever
you're doing is probably notenough and you could be doing
more.
We really want to again take akinder, softer look at our
numbers and what is reasonableto add more, and I always have
(05:40):
people set a number forthemselves because it doesn't
really matter what.
I think it matters what's goingto work for you.
So I definitely.
If I'm hearing like I might geta one or a two, that might not
be a great time, but we're alsogoing to talk about freeing up
(06:01):
bandwidth.
So, whatever that number is foryou, definitely jot it down and
ask yourself the question do Ihave any free time?
Is there time of day where Iactually would have five minutes
(06:22):
, 10 minutes, 20 minutes an hourand also the question am I
wasting time on anything?
I will give a hearty yes,probably to myself, because do I
waste time doing things?
Certainly like social media, orI definitely watch some dumb
movies or shows that I couldlive without, and I'm just
(06:47):
wasting time actually watchingthem and I don't think it's
replenishing me.
And people can go back andforth on this if they want, and
it's not because I just need tobe productive 24 seven and I
really need to be doing all ofthe things to take care of
myself.
You can waste as much time asyou would like.
There are definitely timeswhere I wish I was doing
(07:10):
something that was morereplenishing and nourishing to
myself than what I'm actuallydoing.
So these pieces of assessingzero to 10, how do you feel?
At what number would you feelcomfortable adding more?
Do I have any free time and amI wasting time on anything?
Those are what I would do first, to assess your bandwidth.
(07:32):
Also, my voice cracked so Iwould look at it as if we're
having conversation.
I'm completely objective whensomebody is talking to me about
this, so you don't want to putyour twist of oh, you don't have
any bandwidth because you're sodumb.
(07:53):
You're always saying yes tothings.
You need to say no or whateverguilt trip, kind of negative
inner talk.
You just really want to lookand see like where am I?
Do I have any free time?
I wasting time?
So just ask yourself thosequestions, the same way that I
would ask you.
The next piece is freeing upbandwidth.
(08:15):
So again, we're all over thespectrum and some people this
may be easier for and then somepeople this may be difficult.
Also, it can be easier becauseyou might be a more easy breezy
person.
You know what.
I don't feel bad saying no tothis.
And it might be more difficultif you're like oh my gosh, the
(08:35):
world's going to fall off myaxis.
If it's axis, if I say no, I'mgoing to be a bad person.
People are going to hate me,everything's going to be over.
So your approach to this willactually make a big difference.
But again, I'm going to gothrough the questions.
We're just going to look atthem objectively what can I take
off of my plate?
So if I want to take somethingoff of my plate to free up my
(08:59):
bandwidth, I have to look at Imean it might seem a little
overwhelming at what I'm doingwhat is on my plate, and I
always like to hearken back tomy single parent days and there
were things that perhaps I wasdoing and that maybe my kids
(09:23):
could do.
I didn't have a significantother through most of it, and
sometimes I had a significantother.
They weren't helpful anyway, sogood thing I just took him off
my plate.
Anyway, when I look at this, Ineed to look at what am I doing?
(09:44):
So dishes, laundry, grocerycleaning, changing the sheets,
all of these things, what arethe things that I'm doing?
And again, then you might falloff your chair if you look at
this list and you're like, oh mygosh, I'm doing all the things.
But I think it's helpful If,okay, I'm paying the bills, I'm
(10:04):
also working, I do help myin-laws, but just get it all
down and write down this hugelaundry list.
And I think this is going to behelpful in a way, because
sometimes you're like why am Iso lazy?
Why can't I add these habits?
What is my problem?
(10:25):
And so this list might give youa little more insight as to
quote, unquote what your problemis, but why it's so difficult.
So if I find some things onthis list that I know that I
could probably offload.
It's something that doesn't needto be done by me.
So I have that in my work.
(10:45):
There are certain things that Ineed to do, but there are
absolutely other things thatother people could do.
It doesn't have to be done byme, but, like this podcast right
now, it's going to be done byme.
I got to do this part, but whenit comes to editing or social
media, things like that, otherpeople can do it.
So back to who is going to takeit.
(11:06):
So let's just make a couple ofdecisions here, and I always
especially like when I had kidsgetting out of the house
nightmare, total nightmarebecause again it's oh, surprise,
you're going to need your shoes, surprise, you're going to have
to take your homework with you.
But when we look at what's onthe plate and so maybe that is
(11:31):
policing, the let's get ready togo, who's going to take that?
So maybe there are things thatI'm absolutely need to hand down
to my kids, because I will saythis now as having kids that are
21 and 23, they're going tohave to do that stuff anyway,
and I don't think it helpsanyone to not have very many
(11:51):
responsibilities when they aregoing to leave the house and
have a lot of responsibilities.
I will say this also in raisingtwo sons, that I never wanted
them to be.
That guy that, oh, I don't knowhow to do it, oh, I'm not sure
where it goes.
I don't really know what issalmon, I don't.
(12:12):
Does it go in the microwave?
I didn't want to have that guythat was not helpful to his
partner at all.
I wanted to have two competent,helpful young men that would go
out in the world and hopefullymaybe make somebody's life
easier and not be the burdenthat many partners can be Anywho
(12:37):
.
So back to the who.
There are things that we couldhand off and so that can be easy
.
Things like getting an outfitready the night before, and this
goes for all the people.
So for me, I lay out my clothesfor workout the night before.
When I used to work in acorporate setting, I would go to
(12:59):
the gym before work.
So I had to do a lot of thingsbecause I had to lay out my
workout clothes and then my workclothes and then give me lunch
ready, breakfast, like all ofthose things.
Is there somebody else that canhelp with this?
That was it.
Mental health end.
When I say help, I don't meanquote unquote help.
(13:23):
The dynamic that you never wantto set up is like that All of
these things that are on yourplate are your responsibility
and now you're just asking forhelp.
Nay good person, that is nottrue, because when it comes to
getting out my kids out the door, this is not all my
responsibility.
And perhaps, if we're lookingat things involving our home and
(13:49):
the multitude of chores thatneed to be done in our home,
these are not my responsibility.
That then other people arehelping me with.
If you live in my home or youenjoy my home frequently, you're
a member of this community andcommunity members take care of
our home.
I think and I've seen a lot offeedback when people set up this
(14:12):
dynamic, they're like ooh,we're helping mom, you're not
helping mom.
Wash your clothes.
I'm doing you a favor bywashing your clothes, so don't
act like you're doing me a favorif you put it away.
These are your clothes.
So try to hold that energy,because the first energy of oh
(14:36):
look, we're all helping mom, no,that makes people feel more
entitled, but oh, this reallyisn't my responsibility, and
again they're going to walk outinto the world and be shocked at
the responsibility theyactually have.
And, man, I could do 1,600episodes when it comes to
(14:59):
partners.
Because at my late age of 52,almost 53, I am not here to take
care of a grown-up.
I am not here to mentor agrown-up of how to take care of
things.
I'm not here to spend my energyon telling a grown-up how to be
a grown-up.
That's not my job.
(15:20):
Have I signed up for thispreviously?
You, betcha, and that's why I'mtalking about it, because it
stinks, it takes up so much timeand energy and it's a total
waste.
Because if somebody wanted toact like a grown-up, they would
be acting like a grown-up.
And me trying to train agrown-up to be a grown-up?
(15:43):
No, absolutely not, becausethere are plenty of
opportunities to figure it outyourself.
Not that in a relationship youdon't have to have communication
and get specific about things,but if someone is a sack of
potatoes, they are that bychoice.
They have been enabled to dothat.
Whether that's you or somebodyelse, their ineptitude has
(16:06):
absolutely been enabledhistorically.
Again, that's many episodeswe're looking at who is going to
take it.
And a caveat does this need tobe done as well?
So I would say, if I'm talkingabout laundry, yeah, I like
clean clothes, but if it'stalking about cleaning the
(16:27):
baseboards, does somebody needto take that?
I don't know.
Do your baseboards need to bethat clean?
Do you need to clean them thatoften Are there things that are
on your plate that maybe don'tneed to be on anybody's plate?
Next question so do I want agradual approach of taking these
things off my plate, or do Iwant this to be all at once?
(16:51):
So can it be broken down?
So, if I'm talking about myexample, let's just say laundry,
and I will say, personally Ienjoy doing laundry.
I like for my clothes to beclean, I like for them to be
neat, I like for them to beorganized.
This comes from growing up,going to laundromats and never
having the choice of havingclean clothes or not, because I
(17:12):
was a kid, so I like it Makes mefeel good to be able to do it.
Have you ever felt like thedo-it-yourself approach to
improving your healthy habitsends up doing nothing except
making you feel overwhelmed,guilty and defeated?
Have you been struggling tofind sustainable routines that
(17:32):
work for your responsibilities,lifestyle, budget and personal
preferences?
You don't need more rules,influencers or structured
programs.
Let me help you discover whatyou want, what works for you and
how to maintain healthy habitsduring the ever changing
circumstances of your life.
If you're ready to createsystems that stick head to
(17:54):
heathersayerslaymancom backslash, health dash coaching and click
, let's Do it.
So if we're handing off laundrybecause the wee ones can
certainly learn to do laundryagain all of these need to be
(18:14):
age appropriate.
It needs to be appropriate tothe responsibilities they've had
.
So we don't just say it lookslike you're doing your laundry.
So if I wanted to do a gradualapproach, then that could focus
more on bringing your laundryand sorting it out here in the
laundry room.
That's one step and then itcould involve OK, now it's all
(18:35):
sorted, so now you are going toput it into the washer and then
whatever, you can have a littlesticky note there with the
directions.
You can use nail polish to markoff what buttons need to be
pushed, but you can absolutelymake some guides for information
(18:57):
how to do this.
And then, well then it's done.
It's saying it's little song,what comes next?
Put it in the dryer.
So the big problem I think thatcomes when people are looking to
change these things is it takeswork to hand them off and that
(19:18):
can really deter a lot of peoplebecause it's like now, this is
going to take forever because Ihave to teach someone to do it,
and they're stomping their feetand they don't want to Do not be
deterred by this step.
So we don't want weaponizedincompetence, where somebody is
just going to do it wrong andthey're going to put red socks
in your white clothes all thetime because then they're like,
(19:39):
oh, I guess I don't have to doit.
Nay, good person, absolutelynot.
So do I want to take a gradualapproach?
Do I just want to say, hey,this is yours.
So again, this can go for kids,this can go for partners.
This is also appropriate in awork setting Depending.
I don't know how much I wouldthrow back at my boss, but
(20:00):
absolutely can we ask questionsabout?
I don't think I have thebandwidth to do this and can
this be taken off my plate.
So there are a lot of differentways and different people that
you can ask.
So here is a caveat, as I liketo say.
So how am I going to ask thisperson?
(20:21):
So what's my attitude or angle?
This is where it's reallyimportant to not pronounce that
you need help, that they need tohelp you with your chores, and
I watched something reallyinteresting recently I think it
was just a reel what it wastalking about within the gender
(20:43):
duties of a household.
So we're talking about what'stypically a masculine chore and
what is typically a femininechore.
The feminine ones are ongoingand never ending and the
masculine ones tend to be veryfinite.
Take out the trash.
I took out the trash.
Now I'm done.
Versus laundry we will all bedoing laundry until we die.
(21:05):
We will all probably be washingdishes until we die.
We will be cleaning our toiletsuntil we die, but many of those
things that fall onto mowing ayard it depends on what the
season is we're trimming a tree.
We only have to trim our treeswhere we live once a year.
Just take a peek-see if you arein a relationship where things
(21:32):
because usually even in arelationship with the same
gender, like that kind of tendsto fall into these camps of many
of the people that I've coachedand talked to.
So again, I think it's reallyimportant that your attitude and
angle is that this load needsto be distributed more evenly.
(21:54):
And again, who's happy aboutthat?
Generally nobody.
So be prepared, and that's fine, because when you are doing
this you're not going to get apause, but you will get
bandwidth, and that's what we'relooking for.
So what reminders am I preparedto give?
(22:15):
So this bleeds back into thisis your job, and now it's your
job to remind people to do theirjobs and, again, as a grownup,
I am not here to be reminded agrownup of what they need to do.
So what is it that I can do tocreate somebody's self reminders
(22:40):
, like, how do people remindthemselves and slowly come out
of the loop?
So, again, if you're talkingabout kids, this takes time,
certainly, and they have to havenatural consequences.
I was supposed to do my laundry, I didn't do my laundry and now
my basketball jersey is notclean and I've got to go to the
(23:03):
game wearing a dirty andwrinkled Okay then, hopefully
you won't have to do that veryoften.
Hopefully you won't have to goto very many games watching your
kid in their gross, stinky,wrinkled uniform, because they
will have understood why it'simportant for them to do this.
I just try to do anything I canto get myself out of the
(23:27):
reminder Because, again, thisharkens back to this is all my
responsibility anyway.
Now, when it comes to thingsthat are affecting the community
, I think that if you findyourself in a place with a lot
of reminding, then these itemsbecome a priority before other
(23:49):
items start.
So certainly again, if we'retalking about kids yeah, you
don't get to play Xbox for twohours If you have not unloaded
the dishwasher and puteverything away.
There are ways to make these ahigher priority for them,
because the fun stuff doesn'tbegin.
(24:10):
Is this a little harder with apartner?
Yes, it is, and again, I couldmake this so long when talking
about partners, and maybe I willdo that at a later date really
like deep dive in here.
But you don't want to be like anagging this person about this
thing that they were supposed todo.
So is there something and thismight sound really petty that I
(24:35):
don't do because they're notdoing their thing?
And maybe I'm just opening up acan of worms here, but let's
just say again, I love doinglaundry and I do the laundry.
But if I have asked someone totake the things out of the
garage and have a goodwill pickthem up, or I'm going to, or you
(25:00):
go drop them up, a goodwill.
So we're talking like donations.
Okay, then what if I didn't doany laundry until those things
got done?
And so if that person thenwants to start doing their own
laundry, okay, we're gonna haveto adjust our tactic.
(25:22):
But if that person is like, ohwait, I don't have any clean
clothes, and I say, yeah, I waswaiting for you to take that
stuff to goodwill before Istarted doing laundry again
because I was unsure if youwould do it.
And now it seems like youhaven't.
And we're back here to the sameplace where I'm supposed to ask
you again.
Okay, maybe that sounds superpetty.
I'm not a relationship expert,but I am really tired of taking
(25:45):
care of adults who can becompetent enough to do their own
things.
So freeing up what can I takeoff my plate?
Who's going to take it?
Do I want it all once approach?
Do I want a gradual approach?
In what way will I ask them,kind of, what's my attitude,
what's my angle and whatreminders am I prepared to give
or to not give?
(26:05):
Okay, so managing how do wemanage our bandwidth or our
energy level?
One piece that's reallyimportant is what other habits
keep my energy going.
So the first one that comes tomind here for me is sleep.
I have to have sleep.
(26:27):
Especially since I have had mythyroid removed.
I don't have like extra energy.
I don't have the oh my gosh, Istayed up so late, but I feel
okay, that does not happen forme.
So I have to really look at mysleep level and make sure that I
am prioritizing sleep.
(26:47):
So what other habits mightcontribute to your energy level?
Let's just say I go on a benderof eating a lot of food that's
harder for me to digest or makesme feel sleepy or makes me feel
lethargic.
Then that's going to kind oftank my energy level If I am
(27:08):
taking on too much emotionally.
So let's just say maybe therehas been something and I'm
grieving and I'm having a reallyhard time with that.
Is there anything else?
Is this something that I shouldbe talking to a professional
about?
Should I be journaling aboutthis more?
(27:30):
I say it every time.
I like to say it.
If you are unsure of how tostart journaling, you can always
go to heathersairslaymancombackslush journal and download
my 3D journaling guide.
But looking at these otherthings that are going to keep my
energy going, because the waythat we take care of ourselves
(27:50):
absolutely contributes to ourbandwidth, because if I'm saying
I don't have any bandwidth butI stay up an hour too late, doom
scrolling on my phone likewhere we go, we've got something
to trim off here, but we canreally look at what.
Anytime you're looking at whatzaps your energy, then you
(28:10):
really have the remedy to whatgives you energy, which, when we
are managing.
How do we decide also what elseto take on?
How do I decide?
Invitation is small and large.
Many things are not aninvitation.
My mother-in-law washospitalized last fall and
(28:35):
needed a lot of care.
I saw her son showing up dailyat the hospital and at the rehab
facility and then she movedback home.
Do I think at that time heprobably got as much exercise
and sleep as he wanted to?
Absolutely not.
(28:55):
And was he probably hanging byhis fingernails?
I would guess so.
But that's what the situationcalled for and he stepped up and
he did it.
And sometimes life is like thatand we don't always get an ask
about what we can do with ourbandwidth.
So I always keep those types ofthings in mind, because it bugs
(29:18):
me when people are like we allhave the same 24 hours?
We don't.
And I could list a bazillionreasons why we don't.
So could he have said you knowwhat, mom?
I know you're temporarilyparalyzed right now, but I
really need to get back totennis.
Sorry, he could have, and somepeople do.
Look at what we are taking on.
(29:42):
So let's just say there's a bigPTA fundraiser, there is going
to be a big event at work andthey need a lot of help with
that.
Where am I bandwidth wise,before I say yes to this?
And again, this can playheavily into your concept of
self and if I'm not beinghelpful, who am I and what am I
(30:06):
doing?
So I always really think thatwe never say yes in the moment.
We absolutely can be like letme get back to you on that.
I got to check some things, butyou don't always have to say
yes and then you can reallyassess if there's something you
want to take on or if you'rejust like no, because I'm going
(30:27):
through this whole process rightnow, because I'm trying to add
some new healthy habits, and nowthere's this big event that
needs scheduled.
Like I can't do it.
So be sure you don't say yes inthe moment.
Okay, the last piece isdefending your bandwidth.
So is there any area that Ineed to push back on?
When we're looking at ourplates, is there anything coming
(30:51):
up that I can decline, butagain, it's always one thing to
look at what does my plate looklike today, but absolutely are
there other things coming downthe road and you might be free
to decline and push back onthose things, and I talked about
this before.
But how can I ask for help orencourage others to be
independent?
(31:11):
I personally just think thatthis is incredibly helpful
because, again, your kids willleave home.
Some people really struggle withthe need to be needed and that
comes from a lot of places.
That is our social messaging.
Certainly to myself as a womanis it's important to be helpful.
So that can be reallychallenging when you're trying
(31:35):
to encourage others to helpthemselves, because then what is
my value if you're helpingyourself?
How do I help others?
See the value of pitching in.
So back to what I was saying,again easier with kids and adult
.
But this is a community, myhome is a community and that
(31:57):
this family helps each other andwe do not and I'm really frank
with my kids about stuff likethis because again, I'm very
concerned about them becomingthat guy but that we have a
community and we take care ofour community together.
So if we're talking about morea little bit farther out.
(32:20):
So we're talking about, like,siblings and parents and those
things like that.
I think that having reallyfrank conversations about
responsibilities in the familyand who's doing what are
important, because, absolutely,when it comes to the care of
parents, sometimes somebody iscloser and somebody is doing way
more than everybody else andthat is hard all around.
(32:41):
We were talking about socialsituations or work situations.
It can be very challenging toget people to see the value of
pitching in and a lot of peopleare like I don't want to do
anything else.
I'm doing a lot right now andthat can be a big challenge and
(33:02):
what can I do with thenegativity?
So, again, I said before, ifyou're asking people to do stuff
, a lot of times you get a lotof pushback.
And when I look at so we talkedabout in a couple of episodes
ago we're talking about stressmanagement and figuring out your
why, like why do I want to workon this?
Hopefully you have done that,because that North Star of like
(33:26):
why is this important to me?
Okay, I said I wanted to feelpeaceful, I wanted to feel
carefree, I want to be confident, whatever it is that you are
wanting is wrapped up in this.
So when we're looking atdefending against the negativity
.
You have that North Star andholding it close to your heart,
(33:51):
that mm-mm.
I said I want to feel confidentand content.
Confident and content andWonder Woman style with her big
shiny cuffs like phew, lettingthings bounce off of you,
because this is not about you.
When people have a negativereaction, it's because they
don't want to do something.
(34:11):
And before agreements, nottaking it personally can be
incredibly helpful, becauseusually somebody's response
isn't about you anyway, but justunderstanding that this is
about their reluctance.
And that's fine, becausesometimes if somebody asks me,
I'm like, oh, I really want to.
(34:32):
We all do it.
But if we are trying to evenout a workload so you can free
up some bandwidth, expecting thenegativity but also
understanding it's not about youand it's very important that
you are defending your ownbandwidth.
There are different things thatyou can say to yourself when it
(34:53):
comes to all four of thesethings.
So we've got assessing yourbandwidth, freeing up bandwidth,
managing bandwidth anddefending your bandwidth To
really get to a place where youcan tell yourself I am worthy of
taking care of myself.
And I think that can sound alittle corny, it's not a little
hokey, but I am worthy of takingcare of myself.
(35:16):
If something like that isharder for you to say because
you have been raised in the veinof helping and doing for others
, then you can say my communityis better served when I am
taking care of myself or if I amat my best.
Because, also, if we don't fillour cups, if we're just
(35:36):
spilling our cups, giving awayour cups, then we don't have
anything for ourselves.
We are cranky, disconnected,short, certainly not loving.
We don't ask people as manyquestions as I was your day.
We don't have that connectionwith them if we are not taking
care of ourselves.
So that may be a better one foryou.
(35:56):
My community is better servedwhen I am taking care of myself
and at my best.
So when I talk about thesesteps, hopefully you did a
little pause and jotting down.
Pause and jotting down.
There's also information in theshow notes as a reminder if you
didn't catch it all.
But adding small amounts beforelarge amounts is so much more
(36:23):
successful.
I say that all the time, butit's not that like when you're
freeing up bandwidth.
It doesn't have to be so youcan go to the gym for an hour
and a half, it could be, so youcould do a 10 minute stretching
routine.
It could be so you could justhave 10 minutes of peace and
staring out a window, but itdoesn't mean that it necessarily
(36:45):
needs to be for an Ironman oran Ultra Marathon.
And so small things beget moresmall things.
Success begets success.
So making sure that you'reapproaching it in a way that you
can be successful is incrediblyhelpful.
Hopefully, these four stepshelp you with looking at your
(37:07):
bandwidth Because, again, Ithink it's just so important for
you to realize that you'redefinitely not here in service
to everybody else, but takingcare of yourself really helps
you to feel better, to just havea better attitude every day,
because it's hard feeling cranky, it's hard feeling resentful
(37:29):
and angry and broken.
So I hope that you can use thatNorth Star to help you keep
moving forward and freeing upsome bandwidth so that you can
put habits in place that helpyou take care of yourself.
All right, good luck to you.
Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun?
(37:51):
If you popped over to myInstagram at Heather Sears-Laman
and dropped me a DM and let meknow what topics you want me to
cover?
Something bugging you?
Something holding you up?
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow theshow or you can leave a five
(38:13):
star review on Appler's Spotify.
That would be fun too.
See you in the next episode.
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