April 17, 2024 • 32 mins
Today’s topic is self-talk! Ohhhhh boy. 👀
Unfortunately, many voices tell us there are problems that we need to fix when things in our lives start to become out of our control.
It is usually impossible to completely ignore the voices in our heads. 😏
Instead, there is a way to hear it and create a strategy of coping with it.
In this episode, I will walk you through my process for hearing out the voices and moving past what they are saying.
Those steps are:
- Hearing the voice and not normalizing what it is saying.
- Ask yourself what else is going on in your life that is potentially causing stress.
- What would I do if I needed to face what was happening in my life?
- What is a small step that I can take?
By the end of this episode, my aim is for you to not only hear those voices, but to anticipate their messages and take proactive steps to show them that they hold no power over you.
You are in control of your self-talk, and you can choose to let it empower you, not hinder you. 💪
…..
Don’t know how to start effectively journaling? 📖
Download your free 3D Journaling Guide here: https://heathersayerslehman.com/journal/
Ready to improve your self-care game? 💕
Download 3 Foundational Meta-Skills for Healthy Living that Lasts here: https://heathersayerslehman.com/meta-skills/
Trying to figure out if a program or activity will actually promote healthy behavior change? 🙋🏻♀️
Download Keys to Promoting Health Sustaining Behaviors here: https://overcomingu.com/white-paper/
Looking for a personal health coach, well-being speaker, or health education for employees? 🙌🏼
Visit https://heathersayerslehman.com/work-with-me/ for more information.
Need support overcoming emotional eating? Work through my guidebook, Don’t Eat It. DEAL With It! Second Edition: Your Guidebook on How to STOP Eating Your Emotions, to create a healthier relationship with food. ✍🏼
Follow below for consistent info on creating healthy habits without rules, obsession, or exhaustion: ✅
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi and welcome to the air we breathe.
I'm your host, heatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Board CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion.
The air we breathe the findingwell being that works for you is
a podcast created to help youestablish a trusted foundation
(00:22):
of doable, healthy habits andsmart self care skills that can
endure every season and last youa lifetime.
My guest and I will share waysthat you can focus on your
physical and mental health withpurpose, flexibility and ease.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
disordered eating.
We minimize mentions ofspecific behaviors and numbers,
(00:43):
but it's still a topicnonetheless.
There also could be some swearsand or adult language here.
Choose wisely if those areproblematic for you.
Hi, everyone, welcome to thisepisode of the Air we Breathe.
(01:05):
Quick announcement I gotInvisalign again.
I had it several to many yearsago and it was fine, and I have
worn my retainer religiously.
I miss maybe one or two days amonth, so I wear it every night.
But I have one very snagglytooth.
It just wants to snaggle againand I am determined to wrestle
(01:30):
him into obedience.
So I'm doing a month of I thinkthey call it a refinement.
Also, they do this thing whereyou know, oh, okay, I've got to
like polish this tooth a little,and I was like, okay, like, oh,
I've got to like polish thistooth a little.
And I was like, okay, like, oh,I'm thinking polish.
But I just talked to somebodyabout the fact that they were
(01:50):
going to like file down a coupleteeth just to give a little
more room, and then so shebasically used what I would say,
is it like a metal nail filebetween my teeth, like filing it
, and I told her she reallyshould amend the vernacular
(02:11):
around polishing because that isnail filing.
I'm sure she really took thatto heart and will start telling
people like I'm going to use ametal file on your teeth so
they're not surprised when youuse a metal file on your teeth.
Anyway, it just changes myvoice, makes my S's a little
(02:32):
extra S-y for a while.
Today I really wanted to talkabout something that I
definitely struggle with andjust among my inner circle I
know it's problematic for themas well it's really having the
(02:55):
voice.
So, being in eating disorderrecovery, like I call this my
eating disorder voice and thisis a voice that he, he sits on
the committee in my head.
So there's a lot of voices likelittle Heather, go my mom's
voice in there, go my dad'svoice in there, you know, throw
(03:17):
in like a not nice ex-boyfriend.
There's a lot of voices on thecommittee.
So at times we become confusedand don't listen to what I would
call our wise self.
We listen to the other voices.
That, boy I'd say, they'renever really helpful.
(03:39):
They're not like you, go, girl,you're doing so good.
They're not like you, go, girl,you're doing so good.
They're like oof, you knowwhat's a problem.
(04:11):
So I get upticks in, I would saycurrently, years and years of
body dysmorphia and, um, I mean,it's just poor body image, um,
but it's also, oh my gosh.
It just comes up like in ahelpful way, like, um, I always
picture my eating disorder voiceas a guy.
And you know, when somebodylike pops their head in through
a doorway and just like, oh, hey, like, I always like see him
(04:32):
like that, because of course I'mnever like, oh great, this guy.
So he pops his head in and he'sjust got something to say like
hey, did you notice that yourjeans felt tighter today?
Hey, did you notice that yourjeans felt tighter today?
Yeah, they definitely lookedtighter.
So, you know, just wanted tobring that to your attention.
Okay, bye.
(04:54):
And then I have to like well,they are kind of tighter, like,
but what does you know?
And then sometimes rabbit holeensues sometimes not what I have
found with myself, certainlyover the years, because this
narrative is so common for meand so long standing, I have
(05:20):
kind of learned, like what he isdoing.
And you know, to back up alittle bit, I know a lot of
people that work in body imageand body acceptance and some
people are like, oh my gosh, Idon't even think about it
anymore, like I'm doing so greatand this has worked for me and
(05:41):
it's just not even a problem.
Which man kudos to you and I'mglad that that is really working
for you.
Um, I don't necessarily havethat and I don't expect to have
that.
I just don't know that.
You know I'm 53 years old andcertainly started thinking about
(06:05):
my body a lot more, you know,like 14-ish, as most women do.
So I just don't know I can have40 years of this and then just
be like, oh my gosh, I forgotthat I used to worry about my
body.
It's so weird.
Yeah, I don't forgot that Iused to worry about my body.
That's so weird.
(06:26):
Yeah, I don't know the lasttime I worried about my body.
I just don't think that that'srealistic.
I think for me it is more oftuning in, to be like okay, like
what's going on here, and notkind of going down rabbit holes
where I'm changing my behavior.
I definitely can go down rabbitholes where I'm like thinking
(06:48):
about it more.
I have gotten to the pointwhere I don't change what I do.
I don't think it's time for acleanse.
I don't think it's time tochange my diet.
I don't think it's time to addexercise.
I don't think it's time totrack.
So I don't react to it.
I hear it and I think that Ijust don't expect that I'll
(07:10):
never hear it.
I expect that I won't react toit and I hope that I keep
figuring out sooner and sooner,like this guy's not actually the
problem.
So what I absolutely know, whenI've got different types of
stress that are popping up, thatare more out of my control,
(07:38):
what my brain does is like, ooh,let's not think of what's out
of your control, let's think ofwhat's in your control, which my
brain is also wrong, like yourbody.
We could definitely whip upsome plants, we can really
tighten things up, we can do allkinds of things, and all of
(08:00):
which is really not true anyway.
But that voice seems like ittakes over the voices of like I
don't know if people are goingto like this webinar you're
doing.
I don't know if this client isgoing to come back.
I'm not sure you know aboutthis newer project that's
(08:26):
experimental, how that's goingto go, and there are so many
variables about my work that areout of my control and I don't
like it.
It's just sort of part of thedeal but I don't like it.
But what our brains canabsolutely fault to is okay.
(08:49):
What can I control here?
And that also can be on thingsI'm not ready to act, on things
I don't really want toacknowledge, stuff I've swept
under the rug and now my rug isvery lumpy.
It's about time I need to payattention to it.
So you know there are a lot ofpieces, but I just wanted to
(09:14):
walk you through a process thatI do.
That helps me see that what I'mfretting about is not the
problem, and how do I attend tothe problem?
More so the first piece that wasreally helpful to me is to just
(09:36):
hear that voice and and to notnormalize it, because I think
that's easy to do is like hearthis voice and be like okay,
well, I guess we're just goingto talk about my love handles
now, or how tight my pants areor how awful I look in this
picture, whatever it may be, andthat is an absolute normal.
(10:04):
It almost becomes a hobbybecause it's so ingrained,
because culturally it's soingrained that we should be
monitoring our bodies, we shouldbe changing our bodies.
We need to keep up.
You know the appearance, youknow how close are we to the
ideal body.
(10:24):
So that is a huge culturalmessage that we have heard
forever.
Because I also always want topoint out like this isn't like a
you problem, this is a youexisting, existing in our
society problem.
So the piece about hearing itis just to almost take a step
(10:48):
back and like okay, like youknow who, who is talking here,
like what is going on.
And a lot of people that dokind of parts work in therapy
certainly like to suss out likewho is saying this, like to suss
out like who is saying this.
So when I hear eating disorderguy pop up, I don't go like, oh,
(11:17):
you know, that's just eatingdisorder guy talking.
I have to like actually hear itand listen to, like what is the
problem?
My genes, that is what you'reperceiving as the problem.
Okay, or because I ate this orbecause I ate that, because that
narrative I don't want tonormalize.
I want to hear that and be like, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, like
(11:38):
I'm going to get involved inthis because we're not going
down any rabbit holes and we'recertainly not going to change
anything.
So I really just try to listenand you know kind of see what
the overall message is.
And then the second thing that Ido is I ask myself what else is
(12:01):
going on right now in my life?
What else is going on right nowin my life?
Because what I know is I amcomfortable with that voice.
Like I know that guy, you knowkind of really what he's going
to say, what his problem isgoing to be, what his overall
attitude is.
That is I know that andfortunately, or unfortunately,
(12:23):
that's comfortable.
Like oh, yeah, yeah, that guy'sbeen like riding my butt for a
long time.
So I try to really suss out whatelse is going on.
Is this a work stress thing.
Like I just had a couple ofweeks that were super busy with
(12:45):
new content and recorded somethings that were really
important and not in my control.
When I do my own podcast, likeI pretty much like know what I'm
going to say and if I don'tlike the way it sounded, like
then I can record it again.
So it's within my control and,as I was talking about before,
(13:09):
like some work projects are notin my control.
I don't know what somebody isgoing to ask me and the you know
, recovering perfectionist in meis like like what are the
questions?
Because I need to studyeverything, all the things that
I don't know what the questionsare.
(13:31):
So if there's especiallysomething that's going on that I
can't control, I know thateating disorder guy likes to pop
in and say like, oh, you can'tcontrol this, but I'll tell you
what you control your waist,something super stupid like that
(13:52):
.
Cause he's a super stupid guy.
Um, although I I I shouldn'tjust completely trash talk
eating disorder guy, he kept mesafe for a very long time and
kept me in my tribe because myappearance was important within
this tribe and there was a lotof chaos.
(14:16):
There was a lot of highlyunpredictable scenarios,
especially like when I lived athome with my mom and you just
never knew what you're going toget.
So eating disorder guy is kindof part of a team that worked
together that really like, okay,here's what's going on.
(14:38):
We need to be cute, we alsoneed to be sexually attractive,
we do need to get good gradesand then kind of excel in some
kind of activity.
So they had formed a successfulplan for me of how to stay off
(14:59):
the radar and out of thecrosshairs.
So succeeding in those areaswas very beneficial to me and I
appreciate myself for creatingthat.
So back to my point again, Ishouldn't talk bad about eating
disorder guy.
(15:19):
He's doing his job.
He's just doing his job and hethinks he doesn't kind of
understand like I've kind ofgrown now and I really don't
need a mentor in this areaanymore and now you're actually
not helpful, you're hurting me.
It's not in his purview tounderstand that.
(15:45):
Have you ever felt like thedo-it-yourself approach to
improving your healthy habitsends up doing nothing except
making you feel overwhelmed,guilty and defeated?
Have you been struggling tofind sustainable routines that
work for your responsibilities,lifestyle, budget and personal
preferences?
You don't need more rules,influencers or structured
(16:08):
programs.
Let me help you discover whatyou want, what works for you and
how to maintain healthy habitsduring the ever-changing
circumstances of your life.
If you're ready to createsystems that stick head to
heathersayerslaymancom backslashhealth dash coaching and click,
let's do it, let's do it.
(16:36):
So I think that it can be verybeneficial to look at what other
stress or anxiety do I haveright now.
So I had all that work stuffand I could absolutely tell like
okay, where's the control inthis?
Like not much, and that makesme very uncomfortable, and then
reverting to body or food ismuch more comfortable.
(16:58):
There are other things withwhich I don't have control.
I'm helping my son move toCalifornia.
I'm'm in Arizona Day aftertomorrow we leave, and he's 23.
He went to school, he did histhing and now he's moving into
(17:21):
this little adult life of his ashe should.
And I don't have the sameanxiety around this because I
mean don't get me wrong there'sanxiety about my son moving a
plane ride away from me, but Ilook at it differently because I
(17:43):
have been working on letting gofor a very long time.
It's not that I'm going to lovethis scenario.
I love that he will be where hewants to be and trying new
things and doing what he wantsto do.
But I have never framedanything.
(18:03):
As you know, he needs to staywith me forever, or I don't want
you to go, or I mean I havecreated a lot of autonomy within
my sons and independence, sothat they are thinking on their
own and doing things on theirown, and I've always wanted that
for them.
(18:24):
So him leaving is sort of partof a long-term plan of like,
yeah, he's going to do that,he's going to leave, and I want
him to and I'll miss him.
So all of those things exist atthe same time.
So that anxiety has created.
(18:44):
There's like a project manageron my committee as well who's
like okay, well, let me get thisorganized, so those things I
can control.
So the control piece comes inwith that anxiety in planning.
Because of that I can dosomething about.
Um, I didn't make a spreadsheet, but I do have a page in notes.
(19:05):
Could be worse.
Uh, just of things that I wouldthink of, like oh, don't forget
, don't forget, we need to makesure to put this pillow in the
cab of the truck.
Um, but definitely take adifferent pillowcase, because
just things that I very randomthings, um.
So I suss out like, okay, I lookat the.
(19:29):
Okay, I know I've got this.
Okay, I know I've got thisLucas stress, I know I've got
this work stress.
And then I suss out like, okay,that it's not the Lucas stress
that's really causing me toreach for a different coping
mechanism, because I got myplanning coping mechanism that
is working just fine.
But I think it's this workstress that is bringing up this
(19:53):
eating disorder voice and thisis not helping me.
I do not want to be thinkingabout my body or food.
So the next piece I think aboutis okay.
So if I need to face thescenario that is creating stress
(20:14):
and anxiety and a feeling ofbeing out of control, like what
would I do?
And with this I do have anupcoming episode talking about
the trans-theoretical model, andit's just a model of how people
change their behaviors.
It's fairly simple, but I'lltalk about it in more detail.
(20:37):
But it looks at where we are in, our readiness to change, and
the first phase is precontemplation, where we're not
even thinking about it.
This is not a problem, this isnothing I even want to change.
Like next, not, not, notconcerned.
And then contemplation is like,ooh, this might be a thing, I
(21:00):
think this might be something Ineed to change, um, and I'm
going to, I'm going to startthinking about that and then
planning as I'm creating my planof how I'm going to change this
.
And then action is I'm puttingmy plan into play and then
there's maintenance of like,okay, my plan has been going for
a while, and there's alsorelapse of ooh man, I was doing
(21:22):
that plan and then it sort offell apart and hopefully we go
back into planning again andthen action.
So what I know, certainly fromtalking to a lot of people, we
look at areas too that weactually do have some control
(21:47):
over and we're not ready to makea change.
So it almost gets perceived asI don't have any control over it
, because changing it orcontrolling it would be a lot.
There's a lot of dynamics, a lotof moving parts, a lot of
people involved.
So I will say a very common onethat I hear about is
(22:10):
relationship, marriage, parentto my children issues, because
if you reach a point whereyou're like this is not working,
nothing is changing.
I've tried all of these things.
I'm not happy, I don't likebeing here.
(22:30):
It's soul sucking.
Whatever, there's a lot ofnarratives, but changing that oh
my gosh, cause, we've got kids,we might have a house, we've
got all of these shared thingswe got to get legal life for the
kids would have to change.
There's a there are a lot ofmoving parts there.
Life for the kids would have tochange.
There's a there are a lot ofmoving parts there and that
(22:58):
might feel so overwhelming that,yeah, thinking about, um, if I
want to change my lunch or finda lighter salad dressing, cause
I definitely need to be havingmore salads, or you know what to
do about these saddlebagssolids or you know what to do
about these saddlebags, it's amuch easier conversation to have
in your head because you'relike, uh-huh, yeah, I could do
this.
I've walked through this a lotof times, so not a problem.
(23:21):
So with that I mean if it's ayou know, a relationship issue,
a big issue, it's a job, or it'sthinking about going no contact
with a parent because you justcan't do it anymore, facing like
a major medical crisis.
There are a lot of differentthings.
(23:43):
That can be something thatyou're like I see you, but I
don't, I'm not ready to dealwith you, which also I will say
about my son.
I absolutely have been honestwith myself and like we are
shoving this down until thismove is done and I will more
successfully deal with it then Ishould caveat my my first
(24:07):
answer, because I've got a lotof business.
I've got two days of drivingand then setting up the
apartment and once that's donethen we'll see how I feel about
letting go.
Anywho, when we look at thatpiece of like, okay, this whole
(24:30):
thing is just too much.
You know, we certainly can evenrate ourselves Like where am I?
Am I in the place?
That's like, no, there's noteven a problem here.
Am I just in absolute denialabout what's going on?
Or I acknowledge the problem,and yes, I definitely need to do
something about it.
(24:50):
Or am I preparing and planning,and yes, there is a problem,
and here are the first threethings I want to do about it.
Or am I putting into action andputting these three things into
play?
Or have I already been doing it?
So you kind of like assessyourself and see where you are,
(25:17):
because where you are doesn'tmake any commitment to what you
need to do next or where you goor what you change.
It's just acknowledging toyourself, because one of the
things that can take up a lot ofemotional bandwidth is lying to
yourself, because there's a lotof tap dancing, there's a lot
(25:38):
of plate spinning, there's a lotof telling different tales
about what's actually going onthat are not beneficial at all.
That are not beneficial at all.
(25:59):
So, really, just being honestabout if I were ready to face
this, if I were ready to make achange, like, what would I do?
Because it doesn't commit youto doing anything, but it is
like okay, if it's arelationship, maybe I need to
talk to attorney about this,because you know, split seas of
everything.
I don't know how it works.
I don't know how it works inour state, I don't know.
(26:19):
The only thing I'm picturingright now is just living in a
cardboard box, um, but with umlooking and talking to the
people in the legal system, likethat might not be true at all,
or it might be true.
So, but it's good to know,because then you have facts and
(26:41):
you're not just making upstories.
Um, and maybe it's, you know,having another conversation with
your partner and you knowhere's how I'm feeling.
You know, just kind of gettingreal there or it's having a
conversation with them about.
(27:01):
You know I really want to moveon to the next step, but just
trying to look at if I'm we'regoing to face it like, what
would that look like?
And that can be, you know I wastalking about business stuff if
I were to like really kind ofget serious and start like
(27:22):
journaling through that of like,okay, these things.
You know you're doing thiswebinar for this group and, yeah
, you don't have control of it,you don't know who's going to be
there, you don't know how thecontent be received.
But if I were really going toface that, what would I do?
And for me in that scenario, Iwould definitely journal about
(27:45):
my personal beliefs and mypersonal values of why I talk
about what I talk about.
And I've already made acommitment that I'm not bending
these values, and part of what Ido now is talk about it.
I talk about weight inclusivityand I talk about taking dieting
out of corporate wellnessprograms and the harm it does,
(28:05):
and so that makes it a loteasier for me, because then I'm
just reminding myself of why I'mdoing what I'm doing, and then
the final step is really sayinglike what is a small step that I
could do to move forward here?
(28:26):
So in the relationship, it mightbe just thinking about it more.
So in the relationship, itmight be just thinking about it
more.
It might be I'm going to startjournaling about this more and
maybe I'm going to shred thosepages when I'm done.
Or it could be meeting with anattorney.
It could be having thatconversation, whatever, like
what is the next smallest stepthat feels palatable for me?
And in business, it could be,you know, meeting up with some
(28:50):
other people who work in thesame manner and have had success
and just getting some info fromthem of, like, what worked for
you when you were trying tochange and was that hard and did
you have doubts, you know, justgetting more information.
But I think, figuring out thatnext step and then maybe even
(29:13):
giving yourself a timeline to dothat next step, and that
timeline could be yeah, I'mgoing to look at that again in a
year.
That timeline could be yeah,I'm going to reach out to some
people today, because you setyour own timeline and there
shouldn't be any external forcesthat are making you do
(29:35):
something right now.
Because if there are thingsthat are happening that make you
want to do something right now,that's very different than just
putting internal pressure, likeif things are dangerous, like
that has its own timeline thatyou are in charge of.
So again, I think that thisjust pops up for a lot of people
(30:01):
, this whole, you know, body andfood narrative, and I think it
feels normal and it feels like,oh well, you know this feels
like a Tuesday, but absolutelywe can intervene.
And, like I said, the four stepsof really hearing it first and
listening to what's going on,you know, separating yourself a
(30:23):
little bit but also askingyourself is there anything else
going on that I might be usingthis to feel more in control?
And then the third piece if Iwere to face it, like what would
I do?
And then the last piece likewhat is a small step that I can
take that I can implement and onwhat timeline and on what
(30:54):
timeline?
So hopefully that gives you alittle food for thought, that
maybe you don't have to listento this all the time and maybe
you can start to peel the onionabout what is going on here,
like how did this become myhobby?
And it doesn't mean you changeeverything overnight, it doesn't
mean like, oh, that neverhappens again, but it means you
are putting some mental energyinto how can I alleviate some of
(31:17):
this and give myself back somepeace and give myself back some
bandwidth that I am wasting onthis topic.
Well, best of luck to you, andyou can always let me know how
it's going by reaching out onInstagram, or you can go to my
website, heathersayerslaymancomand fill out a contact form.
(31:40):
So I'm always curious about howyou actually work these things
out and what it looks like foryou.
You Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun?
If you popped over to myInstagram at Heather Sayers
Lehman and dropped me a DM andlet me know what topics you want
me to cover?
Something bugging you,something holding you up?
(32:01):
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow showor you can leave a five star
review on Apple or Spotify.
That would be fun to see in thenext episode.
Hi and welcome to the air we breathe.
I'm your host, heatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Board CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion.
The air we breathe the findingwell being that works for you is
a podcast created to help youestablish a trusted foundation
(00:22):
of doable, healthy habits andsmart self care skills that can
endure every season and last youa lifetime.
My guest and I will share waysthat you can focus on your
physical and mental health withpurpose, flexibility and ease.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
disordered eating.
We minimize mentions ofspecific behaviors and numbers,
(00:43):
but it's still a topicnonetheless.
There also could be some swearsand or adult language here.
Choose wisely if those areproblematic for you.
Hi, everyone, welcome to thisepisode of the Air we Breathe.
(01:05):
Quick announcement I gotInvisalign again.
I had it several to many yearsago and it was fine, and I have
worn my retainer religiously.
I miss maybe one or two days amonth, so I wear it every night.
But I have one very snagglytooth.
It just wants to snaggle againand I am determined to wrestle
(01:30):
him into obedience.
So I'm doing a month of I thinkthey call it a refinement.
Also, they do this thing whereyou know, oh, okay, I've got to
like polish this tooth a little,and I was like, okay, like, oh,
I've got to like polish thistooth a little.
And I was like, okay, like, oh,I'm thinking polish.
But I just talked to somebodyabout the fact that they were
(01:50):
going to like file down a coupleteeth just to give a little
more room, and then so shebasically used what I would say,
is it like a metal nail filebetween my teeth, like filing it
, and I told her she reallyshould amend the vernacular
(02:11):
around polishing because that isnail filing.
I'm sure she really took thatto heart and will start telling
people like I'm going to use ametal file on your teeth so
they're not surprised when youuse a metal file on your teeth.
Anyway, it just changes myvoice, makes my S's a little
(02:32):
extra S-y for a while.
Today I really wanted to talkabout something that I
definitely struggle with andjust among my inner circle I
know it's problematic for themas well it's really having the
(02:55):
voice.
So, being in eating disorderrecovery, like I call this my
eating disorder voice and thisis a voice that he, he sits on
the committee in my head.
So there's a lot of voices likelittle Heather, go my mom's
voice in there, go my dad'svoice in there, you know, throw
(03:17):
in like a not nice ex-boyfriend.
There's a lot of voices on thecommittee.
So at times we become confusedand don't listen to what I would
call our wise self.
We listen to the other voices.
That, boy I'd say, they'renever really helpful.
(03:39):
They're not like you, go, girl,you're doing so good.
They're not like you, go, girl,you're doing so good.
They're like oof, you knowwhat's a problem.
(04:11):
So I get upticks in, I would saycurrently, years and years of
body dysmorphia and, um, I mean,it's just poor body image, um,
but it's also, oh my gosh.
It just comes up like in ahelpful way, like, um, I always
picture my eating disorder voiceas a guy.
And you know, when somebodylike pops their head in through
a doorway and just like, oh, hey, like, I always like see him
(04:32):
like that, because of course I'mnever like, oh great, this guy.
So he pops his head in and he'sjust got something to say like
hey, did you notice that yourjeans felt tighter today?
Hey, did you notice that yourjeans felt tighter today?
Yeah, they definitely lookedtighter.
So, you know, just wanted tobring that to your attention.
Okay, bye.
(04:54):
And then I have to like well,they are kind of tighter, like,
but what does you know?
And then sometimes rabbit holeensues sometimes not what I have
found with myself, certainlyover the years, because this
narrative is so common for meand so long standing, I have
(05:20):
kind of learned, like what he isdoing.
And you know, to back up alittle bit, I know a lot of
people that work in body imageand body acceptance and some
people are like, oh my gosh, Idon't even think about it
anymore, like I'm doing so greatand this has worked for me and
(05:41):
it's just not even a problem.
Which man kudos to you and I'mglad that that is really working
for you.
Um, I don't necessarily havethat and I don't expect to have
that.
I just don't know that.
You know I'm 53 years old andcertainly started thinking about
(06:05):
my body a lot more, you know,like 14-ish, as most women do.
So I just don't know I can have40 years of this and then just
be like, oh my gosh, I forgotthat I used to worry about my
body.
It's so weird.
Yeah, I don't forgot that Iused to worry about my body.
That's so weird.
(06:26):
Yeah, I don't know the lasttime I worried about my body.
I just don't think that that'srealistic.
I think for me it is more oftuning in, to be like okay, like
what's going on here, and notkind of going down rabbit holes
where I'm changing my behavior.
I definitely can go down rabbitholes where I'm like thinking
(06:48):
about it more.
I have gotten to the pointwhere I don't change what I do.
I don't think it's time for acleanse.
I don't think it's time tochange my diet.
I don't think it's time to addexercise.
I don't think it's time totrack.
So I don't react to it.
I hear it and I think that Ijust don't expect that I'll
(07:10):
never hear it.
I expect that I won't react toit and I hope that I keep
figuring out sooner and sooner,like this guy's not actually the
problem.
So what I absolutely know, whenI've got different types of
stress that are popping up, thatare more out of my control,
(07:38):
what my brain does is like, ooh,let's not think of what's out
of your control, let's think ofwhat's in your control, which my
brain is also wrong, like yourbody.
We could definitely whip upsome plants, we can really
tighten things up, we can do allkinds of things, and all of
(08:00):
which is really not true anyway.
But that voice seems like ittakes over the voices of like I
don't know if people are goingto like this webinar you're
doing.
I don't know if this client isgoing to come back.
I'm not sure you know aboutthis newer project that's
(08:26):
experimental, how that's goingto go, and there are so many
variables about my work that areout of my control and I don't
like it.
It's just sort of part of thedeal but I don't like it.
But what our brains canabsolutely fault to is okay.
(08:49):
What can I control here?
And that also can be on thingsI'm not ready to act, on things
I don't really want toacknowledge, stuff I've swept
under the rug and now my rug isvery lumpy.
It's about time I need to payattention to it.
So you know there are a lot ofpieces, but I just wanted to
(09:14):
walk you through a process thatI do.
That helps me see that what I'mfretting about is not the
problem, and how do I attend tothe problem?
More so the first piece that wasreally helpful to me is to just
(09:36):
hear that voice and and to notnormalize it, because I think
that's easy to do is like hearthis voice and be like okay,
well, I guess we're just goingto talk about my love handles
now, or how tight my pants areor how awful I look in this
picture, whatever it may be, andthat is an absolute normal.
(10:04):
It almost becomes a hobbybecause it's so ingrained,
because culturally it's soingrained that we should be
monitoring our bodies, we shouldbe changing our bodies.
We need to keep up.
You know the appearance, youknow how close are we to the
ideal body.
(10:24):
So that is a huge culturalmessage that we have heard
forever.
Because I also always want topoint out like this isn't like a
you problem, this is a youexisting, existing in our
society problem.
So the piece about hearing itis just to almost take a step
(10:48):
back and like okay, like youknow who, who is talking here,
like what is going on.
And a lot of people that dokind of parts work in therapy
certainly like to suss out likewho is saying this, like to suss
out like who is saying this.
So when I hear eating disorderguy pop up, I don't go like, oh,
(11:17):
you know, that's just eatingdisorder guy talking.
I have to like actually hear itand listen to, like what is the
problem?
My genes, that is what you'reperceiving as the problem.
Okay, or because I ate this orbecause I ate that, because that
narrative I don't want tonormalize.
I want to hear that and be like, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, like
(11:38):
I'm going to get involved inthis because we're not going
down any rabbit holes and we'recertainly not going to change
anything.
So I really just try to listenand you know kind of see what
the overall message is.
And then the second thing that Ido is I ask myself what else is
(12:01):
going on right now in my life?
What else is going on right nowin my life?
Because what I know is I amcomfortable with that voice.
Like I know that guy, you knowkind of really what he's going
to say, what his problem isgoing to be, what his overall
attitude is.
That is I know that andfortunately, or unfortunately,
(12:23):
that's comfortable.
Like oh, yeah, yeah, that guy'sbeen like riding my butt for a
long time.
So I try to really suss out whatelse is going on.
Is this a work stress thing.
Like I just had a couple ofweeks that were super busy with
(12:45):
new content and recorded somethings that were really
important and not in my control.
When I do my own podcast, likeI pretty much like know what I'm
going to say and if I don'tlike the way it sounded, like
then I can record it again.
So it's within my control and,as I was talking about before,
(13:09):
like some work projects are notin my control.
I don't know what somebody isgoing to ask me and the you know
, recovering perfectionist in meis like like what are the
questions?
Because I need to studyeverything, all the things that
I don't know what the questionsare.
(13:31):
So if there's especiallysomething that's going on that I
can't control, I know thateating disorder guy likes to pop
in and say like, oh, you can'tcontrol this, but I'll tell you
what you control your waist,something super stupid like that
(13:52):
.
Cause he's a super stupid guy.
Um, although I I I shouldn'tjust completely trash talk
eating disorder guy, he kept mesafe for a very long time and
kept me in my tribe because myappearance was important within
this tribe and there was a lotof chaos.
(14:16):
There was a lot of highlyunpredictable scenarios,
especially like when I lived athome with my mom and you just
never knew what you're going toget.
So eating disorder guy is kindof part of a team that worked
together that really like, okay,here's what's going on.
(14:38):
We need to be cute, we alsoneed to be sexually attractive,
we do need to get good gradesand then kind of excel in some
kind of activity.
So they had formed a successfulplan for me of how to stay off
(14:59):
the radar and out of thecrosshairs.
So succeeding in those areaswas very beneficial to me and I
appreciate myself for creatingthat.
So back to my point again, Ishouldn't talk bad about eating
disorder guy.
(15:19):
He's doing his job.
He's just doing his job and hethinks he doesn't kind of
understand like I've kind ofgrown now and I really don't
need a mentor in this areaanymore and now you're actually
not helpful, you're hurting me.
It's not in his purview tounderstand that.
(15:45):
Have you ever felt like thedo-it-yourself approach to
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(16:08):
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(16:36):
So I think that it can be verybeneficial to look at what other
stress or anxiety do I haveright now.
So I had all that work stuffand I could absolutely tell like
okay, where's the control inthis?
Like not much, and that makesme very uncomfortable, and then
reverting to body or food ismuch more comfortable.
(16:58):
There are other things withwhich I don't have control.
I'm helping my son move toCalifornia.
I'm'm in Arizona Day aftertomorrow we leave, and he's 23.
He went to school, he did histhing and now he's moving into
(17:21):
this little adult life of his ashe should.
And I don't have the sameanxiety around this because I
mean don't get me wrong there'sanxiety about my son moving a
plane ride away from me, but Ilook at it differently because I
(17:43):
have been working on letting gofor a very long time.
It's not that I'm going to lovethis scenario.
I love that he will be where hewants to be and trying new
things and doing what he wantsto do.
But I have never framedanything.
(18:03):
As you know, he needs to staywith me forever, or I don't want
you to go, or I mean I havecreated a lot of autonomy within
my sons and independence, sothat they are thinking on their
own and doing things on theirown, and I've always wanted that
for them.
(18:24):
So him leaving is sort of partof a long-term plan of like,
yeah, he's going to do that,he's going to leave, and I want
him to and I'll miss him.
So all of those things exist atthe same time.
So that anxiety has created.
(18:44):
There's like a project manageron my committee as well who's
like okay, well, let me get thisorganized, so those things I
can control.
So the control piece comes inwith that anxiety in planning.
Because of that I can dosomething about.
Um, I didn't make a spreadsheet, but I do have a page in notes.
(19:05):
Could be worse.
Uh, just of things that I wouldthink of, like oh, don't forget
, don't forget, we need to makesure to put this pillow in the
cab of the truck.
Um, but definitely take adifferent pillowcase, because
just things that I very randomthings, um.
So I suss out like, okay, I lookat the.
(19:29):
Okay, I know I've got this.
Okay, I know I've got thisLucas stress, I know I've got
this work stress.
And then I suss out like, okay,that it's not the Lucas stress
that's really causing me toreach for a different coping
mechanism, because I got myplanning coping mechanism that
is working just fine.
But I think it's this workstress that is bringing up this
(19:53):
eating disorder voice and thisis not helping me.
I do not want to be thinkingabout my body or food.
So the next piece I think aboutis okay.
So if I need to face thescenario that is creating stress
(20:14):
and anxiety and a feeling ofbeing out of control, like what
would I do?
And with this I do have anupcoming episode talking about
the trans-theoretical model, andit's just a model of how people
change their behaviors.
It's fairly simple, but I'lltalk about it in more detail.
(20:37):
But it looks at where we are in, our readiness to change, and
the first phase is precontemplation, where we're not
even thinking about it.
This is not a problem, this isnothing I even want to change.
Like next, not, not, notconcerned.
And then contemplation is like,ooh, this might be a thing, I
(21:00):
think this might be something Ineed to change, um, and I'm
going to, I'm going to startthinking about that and then
planning as I'm creating my planof how I'm going to change this
.
And then action is I'm puttingmy plan into play and then
there's maintenance of like,okay, my plan has been going for
a while, and there's alsorelapse of ooh man, I was doing
(21:22):
that plan and then it sort offell apart and hopefully we go
back into planning again andthen action.
So what I know, certainly fromtalking to a lot of people, we
look at areas too that weactually do have some control
(21:47):
over and we're not ready to makea change.
So it almost gets perceived asI don't have any control over it
, because changing it orcontrolling it would be a lot.
There's a lot of dynamics, a lotof moving parts, a lot of
people involved.
So I will say a very common onethat I hear about is
(22:10):
relationship, marriage, parentto my children issues, because
if you reach a point whereyou're like this is not working,
nothing is changing.
I've tried all of these things.
I'm not happy, I don't likebeing here.
(22:30):
It's soul sucking.
Whatever, there's a lot ofnarratives, but changing that oh
my gosh, cause, we've got kids,we might have a house, we've
got all of these shared thingswe got to get legal life for the
kids would have to change.
There's a there are a lot ofmoving parts there.
Life for the kids would have tochange.
There's a there are a lot ofmoving parts there and that
(22:58):
might feel so overwhelming that,yeah, thinking about, um, if I
want to change my lunch or finda lighter salad dressing, cause
I definitely need to be havingmore salads, or you know what to
do about these saddlebagssolids or you know what to do
about these saddlebags, it's amuch easier conversation to have
in your head because you'relike, uh-huh, yeah, I could do
this.
I've walked through this a lotof times, so not a problem.
(23:21):
So with that I mean if it's ayou know, a relationship issue,
a big issue, it's a job, or it'sthinking about going no contact
with a parent because you justcan't do it anymore, facing like
a major medical crisis.
There are a lot of differentthings.
(23:43):
That can be something thatyou're like I see you, but I
don't, I'm not ready to dealwith you, which also I will say
about my son.
I absolutely have been honestwith myself and like we are
shoving this down until thismove is done and I will more
successfully deal with it then Ishould caveat my my first
(24:07):
answer, because I've got a lotof business.
I've got two days of drivingand then setting up the
apartment and once that's donethen we'll see how I feel about
letting go.
Anywho, when we look at thatpiece of like, okay, this whole
(24:30):
thing is just too much.
You know, we certainly can evenrate ourselves Like where am I?
Am I in the place?
That's like, no, there's noteven a problem here.
Am I just in absolute denialabout what's going on?
Or I acknowledge the problem,and yes, I definitely need to do
something about it.
(24:50):
Or am I preparing and planning,and yes, there is a problem,
and here are the first threethings I want to do about it.
Or am I putting into action andputting these three things into
play?
Or have I already been doing it?
So you kind of like assessyourself and see where you are,
(25:17):
because where you are doesn'tmake any commitment to what you
need to do next or where you goor what you change.
It's just acknowledging toyourself, because one of the
things that can take up a lot ofemotional bandwidth is lying to
yourself, because there's a lotof tap dancing, there's a lot
(25:38):
of plate spinning, there's a lotof telling different tales
about what's actually going onthat are not beneficial at all.
That are not beneficial at all.
(25:59):
So, really, just being honestabout if I were ready to face
this, if I were ready to make achange, like, what would I do?
Because it doesn't commit youto doing anything, but it is
like okay, if it's arelationship, maybe I need to
talk to attorney about this,because you know, split seas of
everything.
I don't know how it works.
I don't know how it works inour state, I don't know.
(26:19):
The only thing I'm picturingright now is just living in a
cardboard box, um, but with umlooking and talking to the
people in the legal system, likethat might not be true at all,
or it might be true.
So, but it's good to know,because then you have facts and
(26:41):
you're not just making upstories.
Um, and maybe it's, you know,having another conversation with
your partner and you knowhere's how I'm feeling.
You know, just kind of gettingreal there or it's having a
conversation with them about.
(27:01):
You know I really want to moveon to the next step, but just
trying to look at if I'm we'regoing to face it like, what
would that look like?
And that can be, you know I wastalking about business stuff if
I were to like really kind ofget serious and start like
(27:22):
journaling through that of like,okay, these things.
You know you're doing thiswebinar for this group and, yeah
, you don't have control of it,you don't know who's going to be
there, you don't know how thecontent be received.
But if I were really going toface that, what would I do?
And for me in that scenario, Iwould definitely journal about
(27:45):
my personal beliefs and mypersonal values of why I talk
about what I talk about.
And I've already made acommitment that I'm not bending
these values, and part of what Ido now is talk about it.
I talk about weight inclusivityand I talk about taking dieting
out of corporate wellnessprograms and the harm it does,
(28:05):
and so that makes it a loteasier for me, because then I'm
just reminding myself of why I'mdoing what I'm doing, and then
the final step is really sayinglike what is a small step that I
could do to move forward here?
(28:26):
So in the relationship, it mightbe just thinking about it more.
So in the relationship, itmight be just thinking about it
more.
It might be I'm going to startjournaling about this more and
maybe I'm going to shred thosepages when I'm done.
Or it could be meeting with anattorney.
It could be having thatconversation, whatever, like
what is the next smallest stepthat feels palatable for me?
And in business, it could be,you know, meeting up with some
(28:50):
other people who work in thesame manner and have had success
and just getting some info fromthem of, like, what worked for
you when you were trying tochange and was that hard and did
you have doubts, you know, justgetting more information.
But I think, figuring out thatnext step and then maybe even
(29:13):
giving yourself a timeline to dothat next step, and that
timeline could be yeah, I'mgoing to look at that again in a
year.
That timeline could be yeah,I'm going to reach out to some
people today, because you setyour own timeline and there
shouldn't be any external forcesthat are making you do
(29:35):
something right now.
Because if there are thingsthat are happening that make you
want to do something right now,that's very different than just
putting internal pressure, likeif things are dangerous, like
that has its own timeline thatyou are in charge of.
So again, I think that thisjust pops up for a lot of people
(30:01):
, this whole, you know, body andfood narrative, and I think it
feels normal and it feels like,oh well, you know this feels
like a Tuesday, but absolutelywe can intervene.
And, like I said, the four stepsof really hearing it first and
listening to what's going on,you know, separating yourself a
(30:23):
little bit but also askingyourself is there anything else
going on that I might be usingthis to feel more in control?
And then the third piece if Iwere to face it, like what would
I do?
And then the last piece likewhat is a small step that I can
take that I can implement and onwhat timeline and on what
(30:54):
timeline?
So hopefully that gives you alittle food for thought, that
maybe you don't have to listento this all the time and maybe
you can start to peel the onionabout what is going on here,
like how did this become myhobby?
And it doesn't mean you changeeverything overnight, it doesn't
mean like, oh, that neverhappens again, but it means you
are putting some mental energyinto how can I alleviate some of
(31:17):
this and give myself back somepeace and give myself back some
bandwidth that I am wasting onthis topic.
Well, best of luck to you, andyou can always let me know how
it's going by reaching out onInstagram, or you can go to my
website, heathersayerslaymancomand fill out a contact form.
(31:40):
So I'm always curious about howyou actually work these things
out and what it looks like foryou.
You Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun?
If you popped over to myInstagram at Heather Sayers
Lehman and dropped me a DM andlet me know what topics you want
me to cover?
Something bugging you,something holding you up?
(32:01):
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow showor you can leave a five star
review on Apple or Spotify.
That would be fun to see in thenext episode.
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