June 12, 2024 • 35 mins
Have you ever been at a loss for words after comments on someone’s body (maybe yours)? 👀
Did you find something you wanted to say, or were you left speechless waking up at 3 am thinking, “THIS is what I should have said…” 🤦🏻♀️
Well, I am here to help you navigate the uncomfortable world, that is, body talk.
What if I am the one commenting?
What if someone is commenting on MY body?
How should I address body talk with my kids? I
will help answer it all on today’s pod!
We will also discuss different ways to address someone who comments about your body.
I’ll give you FOUR options on how to react.
We’ll also talk about why, sometimes, it’s best not to comment at all. 🤐
We will also chat about kids and body talk, when to speak up on someone’s behalf, teaching them about avoiding observing other people’s bodies, and reinforcing that all bodies are good bodies!
By the end, I hope that you feel better equipped to handle uncomfortable conversations about body talk and you start to shift away from conversations centered around other people’s bodies. 🙌🏼
…..
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Download your free 3D Journaling Guide here: https://heathersayerslehman.com/journal/
Ready to improve your self-care game? 💕
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
she said like, oh, it's just so sad that you know
she's put all this weight backon.
And I was so floored I didn'treally have anything to say and
I'm not always good on the spot.
So what I did say I was, like,well, keeping weight off is
really, really difficult.
If that happened today, I wouldhave a different answer.
(00:22):
So that's why I'm going to goover some things you can just
kind of put in your pocket tohave ready, because, again, like
I don't need to wake up atthree o'clock in the morning and
be like, oh, you know what Ishould have said.
Hi and welcome to the air webreathe, finding well being that
works for you.
I'm your host, heatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Board CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
(00:44):
certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
disordered eating.
There could also be some adultlanguage here.
Choose wisely if those areproblematic for you.
(01:06):
Hi and welcome to today'sepisode.
Today is a chat about body talk,more specifically, comments
made on people's bodies.
On people's bodies.
It's a real doozy, but I wantto talk about the roles that we
(01:29):
play.
So what if I'm the onecommenting on somebody's body?
What if I am receiving commentson my body as well as a little
information about kids?
And if you are in a role ofhelping raise a child and you
want them to be more bodyneutral, how can we go about
(01:54):
that?
So this whole thing is just ahot mess.
I will say that I'm generallynot surprised about the comments
that people make on otherpeople's bodies.
I will say, before I got intohealth coaching, I didn't know
(02:14):
that this was such a thing.
I wasn't paying attention,quite frankly, because it wasn't
happening to me and it wasn'treally pertinent to me.
So, for better or worse, um,that was my experience.
So, unfortunately, because Iwasn't affected by it, I wasn't
aware of it.
I became so much more aware, um, because my clients all have
(02:41):
similar experiences, that healthquote unquote health was being
forced upon them, generally bytheir family, perhaps physicians
, but when they were younger, inthe guise of, to quote, help
them lose weight, to have themlose weight, physical activity
(03:04):
and diet.
So exercise and dieting.
And, not surprisingly, peopledevelop a negative relationship
when you're forced to do thosethings and it's nothing that
(03:26):
you're necessarily interested in.
So there's a lot of unravelingof those tapestries.
That happens when we'recoaching.
So I've heard a lot of mindboggling comments and I
certainly remember some inschool.
I remember my friendsrecounting comments that were
(03:47):
made to them and then working inthe anti-diet, weight inclusive
space.
People tell stories and it'sawful.
So I wanted to take a littledeep dive to kind of give you
some tools if this is happeningto you, what you can do.
(04:09):
If this is something that youdo, that you're like, oh my gosh
, I didn't know then what youcan do instead.
And also you know some toolsfor navigating kids.
So, first of all, I don't reallysee why it's ever necessary to
comment on someone's body.
(04:29):
I think that it is just habit.
I feel like there are timeswhere people are trying to
connect and so they saysomething in this like, oh,
we're starting a conversation,but the comment is not
appropriate.
They're not starting aconversation, but we certainly
(04:52):
see it in all sorts ofsituations.
So one of the comments I gotthat was interesting on
Instagram was tired, like why dopeople need to tell me I look
tired?
What is the point of that,which is also a very good
question what is the point ofletting somebody know oh my gosh
(05:14):
, you look so tired.
Thank you, I won't be changingthat and my face will look like
this all day and I'm just gladto know that I look tired.
But if somebody had their bodyhas changed, people will make
comments on that.
Pregnancy Also people don'tlike how people are expressing
(05:34):
themselves, and this can be inall sorts of communities, but
people will then need to makecomments on that.
And what I find probably themost annoying and seemingly
incredibly hurtful from whatI've heard from other people are
the jokes body and then, due todiscomfort or embarrassment
(06:09):
like now I'm laughing at it.
Um, but a lot of people seemlike very brazen to be able to
make comments Again.
I just think that this is soaccepted in our culture and
people aren't saying that muchabout it.
And I will even say as much asmaybe it was.
A year and a half ago I was atjust getting coffee after the
(06:30):
gym with a group of people Iused to go with that I don't
because I don't enjoy theirconversations but there was one
woman who's't there and she saidlike oh, it's just so sad that
you know she's put all thisweight back on, and I was so
(06:52):
floored I didn't really haveanything to say and I'm not
always good on the spot, um, sowhat I did say I was like, well,
you know, weight loss is reallylike that's how it works.
Many times we lose weight andgain weight.
Like keeping weight off isreally really difficult.
If that happened today, I wouldhave a different answer.
(07:15):
So that's why I'm going to goover some things you can just
kind of put in your pocket tohave ready.
Uh, cause, again, like I don'tneed to wake up at three o'clock
in the morning and be like, oh,you know what I should have
said.
So I want to kind of discusssome of these pieces and I can't
(07:36):
even like go into the minds ofwhy people say this stuff Like
we're, like, do they thinkthey're familiar?
Familiar?
I think some people are justbeing mean and judgmental and
usually when I hear that, I knowthat that person has plenty
that they could be working on.
So they're not exactly theperson and sometimes I hear it.
(07:58):
I really enjoy one woman's workon dressing what we wear and in
you know, a body, neutral spaceand trying to find clothes that
you enjoy, and I find people inher comments a lot are.
You know when it's her outfit.
So, like I love seeing somebodyin a bigger body, I love that
(08:22):
you're bigger and you wear thesethings.
And I don't have a clue how shefeels about that at all.
I have never asked, I've neverseen her comment.
I just always find itinteresting.
Like why the label?
Why do you need to?
You know, say like I'm so gladsomeone in your size body is
(08:46):
dressing like this or talkingabout this?
And again, like it's not for meto decide if that's an
appropriate comment, becauseit's not coming to me, but it
just seems like there are somany other things of like I love
that outfit or those colorstogether look amazing.
Wow, look at how you'veaccessorized it.
Versus like I'm so glad thatyou're bigger and dressing like
(09:11):
this, you know.
Again, like that's just me, butit seems like there are much
better ways to deliver yourmessage, better ways to deliver
your message.
So I think it's reallyimportant to start normalize,
not talking about bodies,because there are so many spaces
where it is a conversation andthere are a lot of people in
(09:34):
that space that don't want it tobe the conversation.
My best friend goes to a gym andthe gal that runs the gym
certainly doesn't live or workin the anti-diet, weight
inclusive space.
She's very weight centric.
Weight loss is a priority, bodysize is a priority, and she
(09:59):
seems pretty clear.
That that's kind of what she'sall about, whether she's aware
of it or not.
And there was a conversationbecause she got a sign outside
of the gym and it was basicallyit was a body shaming sign.
It's also like then that's aninvitation for us to all come in
(10:23):
and work out there, just so youknow, like we keep tabs on your
body because it was it waspertaining to like double chin
or something just stupid likethat.
And also, I see that you're nottrying to include, make an
inclusive space.
You're because you're justmaking body comments space.
(10:46):
You're because you're justmaking body comments anyway.
Um, my best friend like had awhole long conversation with her
about this and I think, uh, youknow, my best friend knows her
well.
She's also a white woman ofstraight size and holds certain
privileges, and so it was easierfor her to say listen, like
this isn't appropriate for allof these 20 reasons I'm about to
(11:08):
list, and I think that itcertainly behooves us all, no
matter what level of privilegethat you have to speak up about
it, and so hopefully, we'll walkaway from this with some things
that we can say.
Do you feel like thedo-it-yourself approach to
(11:30):
improving your healthy habitsdoes nothing except feel
overwhelming, guilt-inducing anddefeating?
You don't need more rules,influencers or structured
programs.
Let me help you discover whatyou want, what works for you and
how to maintain healthy habitsduring the ever-changing
circumstances of your life.
If you're ready to createsystems that stick head to
(11:53):
heathersayerslaymancom,backslash health dash coaching
and click let's do it, do it.
So how do we normalize this?
Well, I think making sure thatwe are doing this ourselves,
(12:13):
that we are not talking aboutpeople's bodies, makes it pretty
clear that that's how we feel,like that it's not any of our
business and we shouldn't betalking about it.
So, I think, first and foremost, making sure that you're
modeling it and you're notjoining in or adding comments.
And if somebody has saidsomething to you like, there are
(12:36):
options about what you can, andI will also say that some
comments are made to be insults,some are made to be compliments
, and I don't think that theperson's intention really
matters.
It's what you want to have saidto you, because I certainly had
(12:59):
comments.
You know, over the last manyyears just getting sick and
through my illness, my weightchanged a lot and I definitely
had people saying things when Ilost weight.
My dad was the only one to saysomething to me really when I
(13:21):
gained weight.
He was just worried about myhealth.
So that's, we can put a pin inthat.
Come back to that another day.
But on the receiving end, youdon't have to receive them.
So one option is just beingdirect, like please don't
comment on my body.
So it can be.
(13:41):
Please don't comment on myshape, please don't comment on
my weight, my body.
But just being direct andhaving that like statement.
And I think those types ofthings are extra powerful when
it's a short statement.
I'm not over explaining myself.
I've just said to you what Iwant to happen.
You could take an approach ofeducation, like did you know
(14:02):
that making body comments canmake people really
self-conscious or they can makesomebody's self-esteem worse?
But you know, asking in aquestion but letting them know,
like what can happen, because Ithink I mean, obviously I think
it makes people self-consciousbecause you're talking about my
(14:23):
body.
I'm standing right here, so Iknow that your eyeballs are just
assessing what's going on soyou can educate people and let
them know.
Like you know, this is actuallyvery hurtful.
You know, if you're a littlemore uncomfortable, you can make
a joke like, oh, I didn't knowmy body was being reviewed today
, or I didn't know my body wasup for assessment, if that feels
(14:46):
comfortable, because again, yougot to take an approach that
works for you, so you can try tomake it funny.
You can also, like, have ashowdown and, you know, ask a
more direct question like why doyou feel so comfortable talking
about my body?
A more direct question like whydo you feel so comfortable
talking about my body and havingit be a question, because that
(15:07):
question should be followed upby an answer.
I'm asking you a question, buthave it be really direct and so
that it's not unclear what youthink about this comment and
this can also be again for bodychanges, like pregnancy, because
pregnancy is wild that yourbody is just like up for
(15:31):
comments and people say theweirdest stuff of like oh, my
gosh, you're carrying it so well, like, thank you, like I don't,
I don't know what is happening,or what's like the ultimate
compliment.
If, like you can't tellsomebody's pregnant, I mean,
anyway, we could pin a pin inthat one as well.
But I do think that having thatshowdown energy is helpful if
(15:57):
that is your vibe, because thatis totally a lot more of my vibe
of like putting somebody on thespot to explain yourself.
And I think you know I feellike that would make somebody
think twice about doing it again.
But again, like that can go forlike somebody making just
(16:18):
comments about like you lookingtired or, um, you know, talking
about like zits.
And I will say this for myselfif we're all being honest here,
I just said something um to myphysical therapist, who I love.
She is a delight and I havebeen seeing her probably I mean
(16:41):
over four years off and on, andshe is just an angel on earth.
And the other day I'm likethinking um, cause she kind of
had a breakout and we are, likeyou know, jokey friends.
And I was like, oh, like who'syour friend here?
And the second it came out ofmy mouth I was like, are you
(17:04):
kidding me?
Like did you really just saythat?
And I kind of then madeassumptions like oh well, we're
friends, no, it was not okay.
And um, and I didn't even havethe presence of mind to say at
that time of like, oh my God, Ishouldn't have said that I'm
sorry, because I am verycomfortable when I have a big
(17:25):
zit, of naming my zit and beinglike, oh, I'm sorry, I did not,
you know, introduce you toLucille right here.
Hi, yeah, she'll be joining ourconversation today and you know
what, it doesn't matter, likewhat I think it, it really
matters what's courteous to thatperson.
So and I also say that just inbeing honest, that you know
(17:47):
these are not all things that Ijust have licked, clearly I am
not nailing it.
I'm really trying to changekind of this culture that I grew
up in for myself and others andI fall short on the regular for
myself and others and I fallshort on the regular.
So the last piece aboutnormalizing, not talking about
(18:14):
bodies, is really speaking upfor others.
Like I feel like I could havedone the woman more justice from
my gym that the other lady youknow talking about her weight
regain, talking about her weightregain, I'd have a better
answer now, especially like,don't you feel weird talking
about her body?
She's literally not even hereand I would have said something
(18:34):
kind of snarkier just because Ididn't like the woman who said
it, and so I didn't care if sheliked me or not, but I think
that that is really importantand, again, depending on the
kind of like, the level ofprivilege that you hold, making
sure you're speaking up forothers and just letting people
know like ugh, like no, likethis is, this is not appropriate
(18:56):
, is a power dynamic too, andpeople are talking about you
know more marginalizedidentities then absolutely I
think that it's appropriate tosay something.
Okay.
So, moving on to like what?
If I'm the commenter, which Iguess those sections for me too
(19:21):
I think some pieces, some pieceswe don't even realize, because
it's so natural to make acompliment about someone's body,
which in and of itself, is soproblematic.
So, if we're looking at dietculture, making comments about
(19:50):
somebody's body is reallyupholding the ideal body and
we're saying like, oh my gosh,like you have lost weight, or
your waist is so tiny, or like,oh my gosh, your butt looks so
great, and that like commentslike that, like we are also
upholding a focus on theaesthetic, that the way that you
look is really important, and Iam just validating for you that
(20:11):
your look is important.
So it might not always be, evenlike, thinness related.
And, um, I feel like you know,hopefully, as I don't even know
what to say body positivity orjust more inclusivity, more
(20:32):
acceptance that not everybodylooks like a Barbie.
As we get closer to that, thenI feel like also, people start
making comments the other waytoo.
People start making comments theother way too, like, like I
said, about um the gal with, umthe stylist, that like, oh my
(20:55):
gosh, I love seeing your biggerbody.
And again, it's like I feellike they're meaning it as a
compliment, but also like, whyam I talking about your body?
I don't need to talk about yourbody, Um, and really sort of
asking yourself what I'm tryingto accomplish here.
Am I trying to compliment yourstyle?
Am I trying to just say, like,I'm happy to see you?
Am I trying to like, boost ourconnection?
(21:18):
Am I trying to get a dig in?
But, like, what really isbehind it?
I think because, once you canfigure that out of like, oh, if
I'm just trying to like build aconnection, there's better ways
to do that.
And when people are talkingabout aesthetics, uh, I think
(21:40):
understanding because, again,when I lost weight, I did
receive compliments and forpeople like that, I'm like, like
you know, an old guy from thecoffee shop and I'm like well,
bob, I'm glad that you havenoticed that my body has changed
and now we're actually having aconversation about it, which
(22:05):
really Bob just wanted to talkabout his health journey, so I
think he just used that as areason to talk to me.
But when we are looking ataesthetics, we are going to
certainly reiterating like youare your body, your worth is
your body, but also we could berewarding unhealthy behaviors.
(22:26):
Certainly I have gottencompliments.
When I was at my thinnest, whichthose two times in my life were
after divorcing my children'sfather, for one year I couldn't
really eat.
I was scared to death and soworried about money, so worried
(22:46):
about my children, that I didn'teat.
And people would be like, oh mygosh, thank you, I'm so
miserable, but thank you so muchfor the compliment.
And then, after the person thatI broke up died by suicide, I
(23:07):
did not eat for quite a while.
And same same At least you lookgreat.
Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, that's a good one.
(23:28):
Unhealthy behaviors so clearlyafter those like I was not
eating because I was devastated,I was despondent, I was
overwhelmed, I was depressed.
Certainly after his death I wasdepressed.
Also, in the realm of you know,quote unquote healthy bodies,
there are a lot of disorderedeating behaviors.
People are not eating enough,people might be purging, they
(23:49):
might be vomiting, they might beoverexercising, they might be
taking laxatives there's so manydifferent behaviors that they
could be doing and you're justlike, oh my gosh, you look great
, it's like you are reinforcingto them.
You know what this laxativediarrhea business is really
working for you.
(24:09):
So, again, we don't want to beencouraging unhealthy behaviors
for people to be able to getcompliments.
We can actually compliment somany things about them that
don't involve body.
And, finally, I think,understanding how surveilling
someone's body is creepy.
(24:30):
So when we are talking aboutpeople's body, it's like, yeah,
I looked you up and down, Ilooked you round and round and
in my mind I was like this isgood, this is bad.
I mean just understanding thatthat's just creepy and gross.
It's, I mean, judgmental.
(24:50):
You're assessing the whole time, like what is working for you
and what your brain is like yes,so it is creepy.
So for the commenter, hopefully, like those pieces give you a
little more clarity, like why we?
We just don't want to.
And if I'm just at a loss of howto connect with somebody and I
(25:13):
want to like have a nicegreeting for them.
So, my darling, darlingphysical therapist, that I
mentioned her zit, that Imentioned her zit, I mean here
are some things that I could sayUm, so great to see you.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so happy tosee you.
It's been a while, um, andwhatever, like she has going on.
(25:36):
Like I love this whole vibethat you have.
Um, because it could be kind oflike outfit mood.
Um, you know the hair, likethis whole vibe.
But I don't really specificallyneed to pick things out, I don't
need to like kind of labelwhat's good, um, but also what's
been happening in your world.
(25:56):
How's your week going?
Anything exciting going on?
Or, if it's been a minute like,oh, I've missed you, I feel
like I haven't seen you inforever.
Or like, oh, seeing you hasmade my day, I'm excited to run
into you.
Like there are a lot of thingsto say to greet somebody that
don't involve their body and itdoesn't involve an assessment as
(26:18):
well, it actually can hold somegenuine emotion.
So, hopefully, those you canstop rewind, stop, rewind, put
some of those in your pocket tohave ready Because, like man, if
somebody was like, oh my gosh,seeing you just made my day, I'd
be like, oh, come on, likethat's so nice.
(26:38):
So wouldn't that be a greatthing to say to somebody else
who doesn't want to hear I'vemissed you.
As long as it's like, not myfamily, that's pointing out like
I haven't been around very much, like I've missed you, is great
.
And so, finally, you just wantto talk about kids, and again,
like boy.
This could go on and on.
(27:01):
But I think one of the moreimportant things is teaching
them about body diversity thatbodies come in all shapes and
sizes, different colors,different abilities, and that
all bodies are good bodies.
You have to remember whatthey're ingesting.
And I think that body diversityis a bit better in children's
(27:27):
media, but a lot of books andshows really just focus on
straight sized bodies.
So having different things andagain, different books or
different shows that showcaseand have a lot of body diversity
is so helpful for theirnormalization of different
(27:50):
bodies.
And again, I think that we seethis a little bit more often and
I certainly love it, and therereally wasn't very much of it
around, I think when my kidswere growing up, and I know I
didn't do a good job of teachingthem about body diversity.
So if we could go in the WaybackMachine, I think that that
(28:12):
would be really helpful, andespecially with all bodies are
good bodies, that some bodiesaren't better than others,
because I think that kids easilytune in into the hierarchy of
bodies like, oh okay, like thinbodies are good, or muscular
bodies are good, or fit bodiesare good, because they see it
(28:34):
like that's the hero andsomebody in a large body it
might be the villain or the buttof all the jokes.
So understand, like whatthey're looking at, and then try
to find measures where you cancounter that, um, and I think,
modeling appropriate behavior.
I mean, obviously you don'twant to be having those
conversations with other peopletalking about people, other
(28:54):
people's bodies, but making sureyou're one to speak up.
So we all know the grandparentscan be problematic, but also,
um, you know, other people sayweird stuff too and there are a
lot of people that willcriticize their own body too.
And I think being one to speakup on others behalf, um, if
(29:17):
somebody is insulting themselvesor being insulted, but to be
the one to be like this is notokay, this is not good and
certainly never somebody istalking about their body being
too big, like, oh, you're notbig, you're beautiful.
Like that's a no, because bigand beautiful exists at the same
time.
But you know like it soundslike you're trying to.
(29:41):
You know, cut yourself downLike.
I hate to hear you talk aboutyourself like that.
You know I love you so much andyou know, just focusing on like
.
And you know, just focusing onlike we don't want our friends
and family to be mean tothemselves.
And also, I think that it's sochallenging because there's so
(30:03):
many reasons, I think, why thishappens and I always feel very
uncomfortable when I hear peoplecutting down their bodies,
especially people.
I don't know well and Iunderstand, like, the reasons
why somebody does that.
And you can certainly also saybecause, again, like being in a
(30:24):
large body should be like aneutral sentiment, like somebody
is in a small body or somebodyhas darker skin, somebody has
lighter skin, a neutralsentiment like somebody is in a
small body or somebody hasdarker skin, somebody has
lighter skin.
Um, but just speaking up, if wefeel like somebody is trying to
be mean to themselves, um, eventhough what they're saying is
not necessarily being mean, Ihope that makes sense.
Um, because, just talking aboutyour body being larger doesn't
(30:47):
mean you're being mean tothemselves.
But I definitely hear people,um, oh, I could ease up on this,
or oh my gosh, I definitelydon't need to eat like this much
, like I could hardly get thesepants on, or you know things
like that and which it's always.
It just makes things weird,like because it's like I don't
(31:07):
really know what to say to that.
And I think just alsoconversations with your kids
when you're hearing those thingslater, like that's a great
teaching opportunity about whatthey're hearing and helping them
to kind of make sense of it too.
I know my oldest oh my gosh,she was really young and we were
(31:31):
shopping in a store and we were.
He was in the cart and wepassed by a gentleman who had
very dark skin and my son said,oh my gosh, that guy is so black
.
And he literally just meantlike this guy has really dark
skin.
And I actually don't rememberwhat I said in that, but I was
(31:56):
trying to reflect of like what Ithink is appropriate, and so I
think you know it could beappropriate to apologize, and
apologizing for like I'm sorry,like we're just learning to not
talk about other people's bodybecause saying somebody is black
is not an insult, it is anobservation in this case, and we
(32:20):
don't want our kids observingout loud everybody's different
bodies.
So I think that it can be a bitconfusing to kids, like when
they're making an observationbut having a conversation about
it at another time of like youknow what, like we just don't
talk about other people's bodiesand you can kind of go into
(32:42):
reasons for that that.
It is a little bit invasive andwe don't want to make people
uncomfortable and that, again,the all bodies are good bodies
and we shouldn't really be, um,discussing other people's bodies
and I don't know.
Um, I certainly have hearddifferent people say different
(33:02):
things, certainly in the umrealm of disabilities.
Like some people are like ohyes, please have your kid ask me
.
Some people are like no, trainyour kid not to ask me.
I don't know, I can't evenreally speak to that, but for me
I feel comfortable likeapologizing and using it in the
tenet of you know, we'relearning not to talk about other
(33:24):
people's bodies.
So those are my thoughts on bodytalk and hopefully you can kind
of glean some things becauseagain, I it just breaks my heart
sometimes when people talkabout how people have talked
(33:47):
about their body, and I knowthat, um, you know, usually
those people are struggling withtheir self-esteem and how they
feel about their body anyway,and then to have people piping
in um isn't helpful.
So hopefully we can stop makingcomments, myself included, and
(34:08):
have some better comebacks whenpeople are saying things, so
that we can kind of be part ofchanging that culture and making
sure that we're speaking up forother people as well, and
especially people that aren'tthere.
I just think that it's achallenge to think of things
(34:32):
that are more interesting totalk about, but it is a
challenge we are all up for,because we absolutely don't
always need to resort to sort ofthe lowest common denominator
and just talking about bodies.
All right, hopefully that givesyou a lot to think about and we
will see you here real soon.
As always, please follow show,or you can leave a five-star
(34:57):
review on Apple or Spotify.
That would be fun to see in thenext episode.
she said like, oh, it's just so sad that you know
she's put all this weight backon.
And I was so floored I didn'treally have anything to say and
I'm not always good on the spot.
So what I did say I was, like,well, keeping weight off is
really, really difficult.
If that happened today, I wouldhave a different answer.
(00:22):
So that's why I'm going to goover some things you can just
kind of put in your pocket tohave ready, because, again, like
I don't need to wake up atthree o'clock in the morning and
be like, oh, you know what Ishould have said.
Hi and welcome to the air webreathe, finding well being that
works for you.
I'm your host, heatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Board CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
(00:44):
certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
I help you get organized andconsistent with healthy habits,
without rules, obsession orexhaustion.
This podcast may contain talkabout eating disorders and
disordered eating.
There could also be some adultlanguage here.
Choose wisely if those areproblematic for you.
(01:06):
Hi and welcome to today'sepisode.
Today is a chat about body talk,more specifically, comments
made on people's bodies.
On people's bodies.
It's a real doozy, but I wantto talk about the roles that we
(01:29):
play.
So what if I'm the onecommenting on somebody's body?
What if I am receiving commentson my body as well as a little
information about kids?
And if you are in a role ofhelping raise a child and you
want them to be more bodyneutral, how can we go about
(01:54):
that?
So this whole thing is just ahot mess.
I will say that I'm generallynot surprised about the comments
that people make on otherpeople's bodies.
I will say, before I got intohealth coaching, I didn't know
(02:14):
that this was such a thing.
I wasn't paying attention,quite frankly, because it wasn't
happening to me and it wasn'treally pertinent to me.
So, for better or worse, um,that was my experience.
So, unfortunately, because Iwasn't affected by it, I wasn't
aware of it.
I became so much more aware, um, because my clients all have
(02:41):
similar experiences, that healthquote unquote health was being
forced upon them, generally bytheir family, perhaps physicians
, but when they were younger, inthe guise of, to quote, help
them lose weight, to have themlose weight, physical activity
(03:04):
and diet.
So exercise and dieting.
And, not surprisingly, peopledevelop a negative relationship
when you're forced to do thosethings and it's nothing that
(03:26):
you're necessarily interested in.
So there's a lot of unravelingof those tapestries.
That happens when we'recoaching.
So I've heard a lot of mindboggling comments and I
certainly remember some inschool.
I remember my friendsrecounting comments that were
(03:47):
made to them and then working inthe anti-diet, weight inclusive
space.
People tell stories and it'sawful.
So I wanted to take a littledeep dive to kind of give you
some tools if this is happeningto you, what you can do.
(04:09):
If this is something that youdo, that you're like, oh my gosh
, I didn't know then what youcan do instead.
And also you know some toolsfor navigating kids.
So, first of all, I don't reallysee why it's ever necessary to
comment on someone's body.
(04:29):
I think that it is just habit.
I feel like there are timeswhere people are trying to
connect and so they saysomething in this like, oh,
we're starting a conversation,but the comment is not
appropriate.
They're not starting aconversation, but we certainly
(04:52):
see it in all sorts ofsituations.
So one of the comments I gotthat was interesting on
Instagram was tired, like why dopeople need to tell me I look
tired?
What is the point of that,which is also a very good
question what is the point ofletting somebody know oh my gosh
(05:14):
, you look so tired.
Thank you, I won't be changingthat and my face will look like
this all day and I'm just gladto know that I look tired.
But if somebody had their bodyhas changed, people will make
comments on that.
Pregnancy Also people don'tlike how people are expressing
(05:34):
themselves, and this can be inall sorts of communities, but
people will then need to makecomments on that.
And what I find probably themost annoying and seemingly
incredibly hurtful from whatI've heard from other people are
the jokes body and then, due todiscomfort or embarrassment
(06:09):
like now I'm laughing at it.
Um, but a lot of people seemlike very brazen to be able to
make comments Again.
I just think that this is soaccepted in our culture and
people aren't saying that muchabout it.
And I will even say as much asmaybe it was.
A year and a half ago I was atjust getting coffee after the
(06:30):
gym with a group of people Iused to go with that I don't
because I don't enjoy theirconversations but there was one
woman who's't there and she saidlike oh, it's just so sad that
you know she's put all thisweight back on, and I was so
(06:52):
floored I didn't really haveanything to say and I'm not
always good on the spot, um, sowhat I did say I was like, well,
you know, weight loss is reallylike that's how it works.
Many times we lose weight andgain weight.
Like keeping weight off isreally really difficult.
If that happened today, I wouldhave a different answer.
(07:15):
So that's why I'm going to goover some things you can just
kind of put in your pocket tohave ready.
Uh, cause, again, like I don'tneed to wake up at three o'clock
in the morning and be like, oh,you know what I should have
said.
So I want to kind of discusssome of these pieces and I can't
(07:36):
even like go into the minds ofwhy people say this stuff Like
we're, like, do they thinkthey're familiar?
Familiar?
I think some people are justbeing mean and judgmental and
usually when I hear that, I knowthat that person has plenty
that they could be working on.
So they're not exactly theperson and sometimes I hear it.
(07:58):
I really enjoy one woman's workon dressing what we wear and in
you know, a body, neutral spaceand trying to find clothes that
you enjoy, and I find people inher comments a lot are.
You know when it's her outfit.
So, like I love seeing somebodyin a bigger body, I love that
(08:22):
you're bigger and you wear thesethings.
And I don't have a clue how shefeels about that at all.
I have never asked, I've neverseen her comment.
I just always find itinteresting.
Like why the label?
Why do you need to?
You know, say like I'm so gladsomeone in your size body is
(08:46):
dressing like this or talkingabout this?
And again, like it's not for meto decide if that's an
appropriate comment, becauseit's not coming to me, but it
just seems like there are somany other things of like I love
that outfit or those colorstogether look amazing.
Wow, look at how you'veaccessorized it.
Versus like I'm so glad thatyou're bigger and dressing like
(09:11):
this, you know.
Again, like that's just me, butit seems like there are much
better ways to deliver yourmessage, better ways to deliver
your message.
So I think it's reallyimportant to start normalize,
not talking about bodies,because there are so many spaces
where it is a conversation andthere are a lot of people in
(09:34):
that space that don't want it tobe the conversation.
My best friend goes to a gym andthe gal that runs the gym
certainly doesn't live or workin the anti-diet, weight
inclusive space.
She's very weight centric.
Weight loss is a priority, bodysize is a priority, and she
(09:59):
seems pretty clear.
That that's kind of what she'sall about, whether she's aware
of it or not.
And there was a conversationbecause she got a sign outside
of the gym and it was basicallyit was a body shaming sign.
It's also like then that's aninvitation for us to all come in
(10:23):
and work out there, just so youknow, like we keep tabs on your
body because it was it waspertaining to like double chin
or something just stupid likethat.
And also, I see that you're nottrying to include, make an
inclusive space.
You're because you're justmaking body comments space.
(10:46):
You're because you're justmaking body comments anyway.
Um, my best friend like had awhole long conversation with her
about this and I think, uh, youknow, my best friend knows her
well.
She's also a white woman ofstraight size and holds certain
privileges, and so it was easierfor her to say listen, like
this isn't appropriate for allof these 20 reasons I'm about to
(11:08):
list, and I think that itcertainly behooves us all, no
matter what level of privilegethat you have to speak up about
it, and so hopefully, we'll walkaway from this with some things
that we can say.
Do you feel like thedo-it-yourself approach to
(11:30):
improving your healthy habitsdoes nothing except feel
overwhelming, guilt-inducing anddefeating?
You don't need more rules,influencers or structured
programs.
Let me help you discover whatyou want, what works for you and
how to maintain healthy habitsduring the ever-changing
circumstances of your life.
If you're ready to createsystems that stick head to
(11:53):
heathersayerslaymancom,backslash health dash coaching
and click let's do it, do it.
So how do we normalize this?
Well, I think making sure thatwe are doing this ourselves,
(12:13):
that we are not talking aboutpeople's bodies, makes it pretty
clear that that's how we feel,like that it's not any of our
business and we shouldn't betalking about it.
So, I think, first and foremost, making sure that you're
modeling it and you're notjoining in or adding comments.
And if somebody has saidsomething to you like, there are
(12:36):
options about what you can, andI will also say that some
comments are made to be insults,some are made to be compliments
, and I don't think that theperson's intention really
matters.
It's what you want to have saidto you, because I certainly had
(12:59):
comments.
You know, over the last manyyears just getting sick and
through my illness, my weightchanged a lot and I definitely
had people saying things when Ilost weight.
My dad was the only one to saysomething to me really when I
(13:21):
gained weight.
He was just worried about myhealth.
So that's, we can put a pin inthat.
Come back to that another day.
But on the receiving end, youdon't have to receive them.
So one option is just beingdirect, like please don't
comment on my body.
So it can be.
(13:41):
Please don't comment on myshape, please don't comment on
my weight, my body.
But just being direct andhaving that like statement.
And I think those types ofthings are extra powerful when
it's a short statement.
I'm not over explaining myself.
I've just said to you what Iwant to happen.
You could take an approach ofeducation, like did you know
(14:02):
that making body comments canmake people really
self-conscious or they can makesomebody's self-esteem worse?
But you know, asking in aquestion but letting them know,
like what can happen, because Ithink I mean, obviously I think
it makes people self-consciousbecause you're talking about my
(14:23):
body.
I'm standing right here, so Iknow that your eyeballs are just
assessing what's going on soyou can educate people and let
them know.
Like you know, this is actuallyvery hurtful.
You know, if you're a littlemore uncomfortable, you can make
a joke like, oh, I didn't knowmy body was being reviewed today
, or I didn't know my body wasup for assessment, if that feels
(14:46):
comfortable, because again, yougot to take an approach that
works for you, so you can try tomake it funny.
You can also, like, have ashowdown and, you know, ask a
more direct question like why doyou feel so comfortable talking
about my body?
A more direct question like whydo you feel so comfortable
talking about my body and havingit be a question, because that
(15:07):
question should be followed upby an answer.
I'm asking you a question, buthave it be really direct and so
that it's not unclear what youthink about this comment and
this can also be again for bodychanges, like pregnancy, because
pregnancy is wild that yourbody is just like up for
(15:31):
comments and people say theweirdest stuff of like oh, my
gosh, you're carrying it so well, like, thank you, like I don't,
I don't know what is happening,or what's like the ultimate
compliment.
If, like you can't tellsomebody's pregnant, I mean,
anyway, we could pin a pin inthat one as well.
But I do think that having thatshowdown energy is helpful if
(15:57):
that is your vibe, because thatis totally a lot more of my vibe
of like putting somebody on thespot to explain yourself.
And I think you know I feellike that would make somebody
think twice about doing it again.
But again, like that can go forlike somebody making just
(16:18):
comments about like you lookingtired or, um, you know, talking
about like zits.
And I will say this for myselfif we're all being honest here,
I just said something um to myphysical therapist, who I love.
She is a delight and I havebeen seeing her probably I mean
(16:41):
over four years off and on, andshe is just an angel on earth.
And the other day I'm likethinking um, cause she kind of
had a breakout and we are, likeyou know, jokey friends.
And I was like, oh, like who'syour friend here?
And the second it came out ofmy mouth I was like, are you
(17:04):
kidding me?
Like did you really just saythat?
And I kind of then madeassumptions like oh well, we're
friends, no, it was not okay.
And um, and I didn't even havethe presence of mind to say at
that time of like, oh my God, Ishouldn't have said that I'm
sorry, because I am verycomfortable when I have a big
(17:25):
zit, of naming my zit and beinglike, oh, I'm sorry, I did not,
you know, introduce you toLucille right here.
Hi, yeah, she'll be joining ourconversation today and you know
what, it doesn't matter, likewhat I think it, it really
matters what's courteous to thatperson.
So and I also say that just inbeing honest, that you know
(17:47):
these are not all things that Ijust have licked, clearly I am
not nailing it.
I'm really trying to changekind of this culture that I grew
up in for myself and others andI fall short on the regular for
myself and others and I fallshort on the regular.
So the last piece aboutnormalizing, not talking about
(18:14):
bodies, is really speaking upfor others.
Like I feel like I could havedone the woman more justice from
my gym that the other lady youknow talking about her weight
regain, talking about her weightregain, I'd have a better
answer now, especially like,don't you feel weird talking
about her body?
She's literally not even hereand I would have said something
(18:34):
kind of snarkier just because Ididn't like the woman who said
it, and so I didn't care if sheliked me or not, but I think
that that is really importantand, again, depending on the
kind of like, the level ofprivilege that you hold, making
sure you're speaking up forothers and just letting people
know like ugh, like no, likethis is, this is not appropriate
(18:56):
, is a power dynamic too, andpeople are talking about you
know more marginalizedidentities then absolutely I
think that it's appropriate tosay something.
Okay.
So, moving on to like what?
If I'm the commenter, which Iguess those sections for me too
(19:21):
I think some pieces, some pieceswe don't even realize, because
it's so natural to make acompliment about someone's body,
which in and of itself, is soproblematic.
So, if we're looking at dietculture, making comments about
(19:50):
somebody's body is reallyupholding the ideal body and
we're saying like, oh my gosh,like you have lost weight, or
your waist is so tiny, or like,oh my gosh, your butt looks so
great, and that like commentslike that, like we are also
upholding a focus on theaesthetic, that the way that you
look is really important, and Iam just validating for you that
(20:11):
your look is important.
So it might not always be, evenlike, thinness related.
And, um, I feel like you know,hopefully, as I don't even know
what to say body positivity orjust more inclusivity, more
(20:32):
acceptance that not everybodylooks like a Barbie.
As we get closer to that, thenI feel like also, people start
making comments the other waytoo.
People start making comments theother way too, like, like I
said, about um the gal with, umthe stylist, that like, oh my
(20:55):
gosh, I love seeing your biggerbody.
And again, it's like I feellike they're meaning it as a
compliment, but also like, whyam I talking about your body?
I don't need to talk about yourbody, Um, and really sort of
asking yourself what I'm tryingto accomplish here.
Am I trying to compliment yourstyle?
Am I trying to just say, like,I'm happy to see you?
Am I trying to like, boost ourconnection?
(21:18):
Am I trying to get a dig in?
But, like, what really isbehind it?
I think because, once you canfigure that out of like, oh, if
I'm just trying to like build aconnection, there's better ways
to do that.
And when people are talkingabout aesthetics, uh, I think
(21:40):
understanding because, again,when I lost weight, I did
receive compliments and forpeople like that, I'm like, like
you know, an old guy from thecoffee shop and I'm like well,
bob, I'm glad that you havenoticed that my body has changed
and now we're actually having aconversation about it, which
(22:05):
really Bob just wanted to talkabout his health journey, so I
think he just used that as areason to talk to me.
But when we are looking ataesthetics, we are going to
certainly reiterating like youare your body, your worth is
your body, but also we could berewarding unhealthy behaviors.
(22:26):
Certainly I have gottencompliments.
When I was at my thinnest, whichthose two times in my life were
after divorcing my children'sfather, for one year I couldn't
really eat.
I was scared to death and soworried about money, so worried
(22:46):
about my children, that I didn'teat.
And people would be like, oh mygosh, thank you, I'm so
miserable, but thank you so muchfor the compliment.
And then, after the person thatI broke up died by suicide, I
(23:07):
did not eat for quite a while.
And same same At least you lookgreat.
Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, that's a good one.
(23:28):
Unhealthy behaviors so clearlyafter those like I was not
eating because I was devastated,I was despondent, I was
overwhelmed, I was depressed.
Certainly after his death I wasdepressed.
Also, in the realm of you know,quote unquote healthy bodies,
there are a lot of disorderedeating behaviors.
People are not eating enough,people might be purging, they
(23:49):
might be vomiting, they might beoverexercising, they might be
taking laxatives there's so manydifferent behaviors that they
could be doing and you're justlike, oh my gosh, you look great
, it's like you are reinforcingto them.
You know what this laxativediarrhea business is really
working for you.
(24:09):
So, again, we don't want to beencouraging unhealthy behaviors
for people to be able to getcompliments.
We can actually compliment somany things about them that
don't involve body.
And, finally, I think,understanding how surveilling
someone's body is creepy.
(24:30):
So when we are talking aboutpeople's body, it's like, yeah,
I looked you up and down, Ilooked you round and round and
in my mind I was like this isgood, this is bad.
I mean just understanding thatthat's just creepy and gross.
It's, I mean, judgmental.
(24:50):
You're assessing the whole time, like what is working for you
and what your brain is like yes,so it is creepy.
So for the commenter, hopefully, like those pieces give you a
little more clarity, like why we?
We just don't want to.
And if I'm just at a loss of howto connect with somebody and I
(25:13):
want to like have a nicegreeting for them.
So, my darling, darlingphysical therapist, that I
mentioned her zit, that Imentioned her zit, I mean here
are some things that I could sayUm, so great to see you.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so happy tosee you.
It's been a while, um, andwhatever, like she has going on.
(25:36):
Like I love this whole vibethat you have.
Um, because it could be kind oflike outfit mood.
Um, you know the hair, likethis whole vibe.
But I don't really specificallyneed to pick things out, I don't
need to like kind of labelwhat's good, um, but also what's
been happening in your world.
(25:56):
How's your week going?
Anything exciting going on?
Or, if it's been a minute like,oh, I've missed you, I feel
like I haven't seen you inforever.
Or like, oh, seeing you hasmade my day, I'm excited to run
into you.
Like there are a lot of thingsto say to greet somebody that
don't involve their body and itdoesn't involve an assessment as
(26:18):
well, it actually can hold somegenuine emotion.
So, hopefully, those you canstop rewind, stop, rewind, put
some of those in your pocket tohave ready Because, like man, if
somebody was like, oh my gosh,seeing you just made my day, I'd
be like, oh, come on, likethat's so nice.
(26:38):
So wouldn't that be a greatthing to say to somebody else
who doesn't want to hear I'vemissed you.
As long as it's like, not myfamily, that's pointing out like
I haven't been around very much, like I've missed you, is great
.
And so, finally, you just wantto talk about kids, and again,
like boy.
This could go on and on.
(27:01):
But I think one of the moreimportant things is teaching
them about body diversity thatbodies come in all shapes and
sizes, different colors,different abilities, and that
all bodies are good bodies.
You have to remember whatthey're ingesting.
And I think that body diversityis a bit better in children's
(27:27):
media, but a lot of books andshows really just focus on
straight sized bodies.
So having different things andagain, different books or
different shows that showcaseand have a lot of body diversity
is so helpful for theirnormalization of different
(27:50):
bodies.
And again, I think that we seethis a little bit more often and
I certainly love it, and therereally wasn't very much of it
around, I think when my kidswere growing up, and I know I
didn't do a good job of teachingthem about body diversity.
So if we could go in the WaybackMachine, I think that that
(28:12):
would be really helpful, andespecially with all bodies are
good bodies, that some bodiesaren't better than others,
because I think that kids easilytune in into the hierarchy of
bodies like, oh okay, like thinbodies are good, or muscular
bodies are good, or fit bodiesare good, because they see it
(28:34):
like that's the hero andsomebody in a large body it
might be the villain or the buttof all the jokes.
So understand, like whatthey're looking at, and then try
to find measures where you cancounter that, um, and I think,
modeling appropriate behavior.
I mean, obviously you don'twant to be having those
conversations with other peopletalking about people, other
(28:54):
people's bodies, but making sureyou're one to speak up.
So we all know the grandparentscan be problematic, but also,
um, you know, other people sayweird stuff too and there are a
lot of people that willcriticize their own body too.
And I think being one to speakup on others behalf, um, if
(29:17):
somebody is insulting themselvesor being insulted, but to be
the one to be like this is notokay, this is not good and
certainly never somebody istalking about their body being
too big, like, oh, you're notbig, you're beautiful.
Like that's a no, because bigand beautiful exists at the same
time.
But you know like it soundslike you're trying to.
(29:41):
You know, cut yourself downLike.
I hate to hear you talk aboutyourself like that.
You know I love you so much andyou know, just focusing on like
.
And you know, just focusing onlike we don't want our friends
and family to be mean tothemselves.
And also, I think that it's sochallenging because there's so
(30:03):
many reasons, I think, why thishappens and I always feel very
uncomfortable when I hear peoplecutting down their bodies,
especially people.
I don't know well and Iunderstand, like, the reasons
why somebody does that.
And you can certainly also saybecause, again, like being in a
(30:24):
large body should be like aneutral sentiment, like somebody
is in a small body or somebodyhas darker skin, somebody has
lighter skin, a neutralsentiment like somebody is in a
small body or somebody hasdarker skin, somebody has
lighter skin.
Um, but just speaking up, if wefeel like somebody is trying to
be mean to themselves, um, eventhough what they're saying is
not necessarily being mean, Ihope that makes sense.
Um, because, just talking aboutyour body being larger doesn't
(30:47):
mean you're being mean tothemselves.
But I definitely hear people,um, oh, I could ease up on this,
or oh my gosh, I definitelydon't need to eat like this much
, like I could hardly get thesepants on, or you know things
like that and which it's always.
It just makes things weird,like because it's like I don't
(31:07):
really know what to say to that.
And I think just alsoconversations with your kids
when you're hearing those thingslater, like that's a great
teaching opportunity about whatthey're hearing and helping them
to kind of make sense of it too.
I know my oldest oh my gosh,she was really young and we were
(31:31):
shopping in a store and we were.
He was in the cart and wepassed by a gentleman who had
very dark skin and my son said,oh my gosh, that guy is so black
.
And he literally just meantlike this guy has really dark
skin.
And I actually don't rememberwhat I said in that, but I was
(31:56):
trying to reflect of like what Ithink is appropriate, and so I
think you know it could beappropriate to apologize, and
apologizing for like I'm sorry,like we're just learning to not
talk about other people's bodybecause saying somebody is black
is not an insult, it is anobservation in this case, and we
(32:20):
don't want our kids observingout loud everybody's different
bodies.
So I think that it can be a bitconfusing to kids, like when
they're making an observationbut having a conversation about
it at another time of like youknow what, like we just don't
talk about other people's bodiesand you can kind of go into
(32:42):
reasons for that that.
It is a little bit invasive andwe don't want to make people
uncomfortable and that, again,the all bodies are good bodies
and we shouldn't really be, um,discussing other people's bodies
and I don't know.
Um, I certainly have hearddifferent people say different
(33:02):
things, certainly in the umrealm of disabilities.
Like some people are like ohyes, please have your kid ask me
.
Some people are like no, trainyour kid not to ask me.
I don't know, I can't evenreally speak to that, but for me
I feel comfortable likeapologizing and using it in the
tenet of you know, we'relearning not to talk about other
(33:24):
people's bodies.
So those are my thoughts on bodytalk and hopefully you can kind
of glean some things becauseagain, I it just breaks my heart
sometimes when people talkabout how people have talked
(33:47):
about their body, and I knowthat, um, you know, usually
those people are struggling withtheir self-esteem and how they
feel about their body anyway,and then to have people piping
in um isn't helpful.
So hopefully we can stop makingcomments, myself included, and
(34:08):
have some better comebacks whenpeople are saying things, so
that we can kind of be part ofchanging that culture and making
sure that we're speaking up forother people as well, and
especially people that aren'tthere.
I just think that it's achallenge to think of things
(34:32):
that are more interesting totalk about, but it is a
challenge we are all up for,because we absolutely don't
always need to resort to sort ofthe lowest common denominator
and just talking about bodies.
All right, hopefully that givesyou a lot to think about and we
will see you here real soon.
As always, please follow show,or you can leave a five-star
(34:57):
review on Apple or Spotify.
That would be fun to see in thenext episode.
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