September 4, 2024 • 32 mins
We all know how hard change and loss can be. 😞
The emotions are overwhelming, and things feel out of control, so we do many things to feel in control.
Plot twist: controlling things is usually not helpful because we don’t just need to “feel” in control.
We need to acknowledge what we’ve lost and mourn.
In this episode, we’ll peel back the onion of grief and discover that we grieve many things throughout our lives.
We often look at grief as something that we will experience after someone dies, and while yes this is true, grief also shows up in our lives in many other ways.
Grief can come in the form of any loss or change in your life, such as the loss of a person, a child, a relationship, your health, and so much more.
I talk through the grief that I am currently experiencing regarding my dad, the cognitive decline that he is experiencing, and how I am now grieving the dad that I have always known while growing up.
I will walk you through my four-step approach to working through the grieving process: acknowledging what you are going through, becoming curious about your feelings, showing yourself compassion, and then focusing on your own self-care.
I hope this episode helps if you are currently experiencing grief, and I hope that the next time you grieve something, you can remember to take care of yourself during those moments. ♥️
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We lose different things all of the time, and what
I know causes us pain can bethat white knuckle.
And what can I control?
And I absolutely know thatgrief and processing all of
these feelings are on the otherside of control.
(00:22):
We are not going to be able tocontrol this and control that
and process all of thesefeelings.
Hi, and welcome to the air webreathe.
Finding wellbeing that worksfor you a podcast to help you
cultivate healthy habits.
No rules, no obsession, noexhaustion.
(00:43):
I'm your host, heatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Ford CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
Having navigated my ownchallenges with food and health,
I'm passionate about sharinginsights and strategies to help
you build better health and freeup mental space so you can live
a full and peaceful life.
(01:04):
I'm happy you're here.
Hi, everyone, and welcome tothis episode.
Today we are going to talk aboutgrief.
Oh my gosh, what a fun hottopic.
I see this come up so much inmy coaching.
(01:25):
I personally experience it andI wanted to have a bigger
discussion about grief, becausea lot of our conversations
around grief seem to think thatgrief is just this thing that we
do when somebody dies, somebodydies and actually I find that
(01:49):
we are grieving all the time forthings that we have lost,
things that are changing, thingsthat are out of our control,
and I wanted to make sure thatwe are having a bigger
conversation about that, becausethe biggest thing, I think it
just makes people so unhappy tofeel like everything is out of
their control and because thenwe wrestle for control.
(02:14):
So I want to dive in.
I'm going to talk about somedifferent types of grief,
various things that, when theychange, we have a hard time with
.
And obviously, like, what canwe do?
Because I feel like sometimeswe can feel lost or untethered
(02:37):
Because, again, like, the losscan be amorphic.
We didn't lose, like, a thingthat we had, we lost an idea, we
lost a dream, we lostexpectations.
So let's kind of get into grief.
And you know the classic model.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote abook a long long time ago called
(02:59):
On Death and Dying, and she wasthe one that came up with the
five stages of grief and, aswith any model, it's good and
it's bad.
So the five stages that shecame up with were denial, anger,
bargaining, depression andacceptance.
What we know is that peopledon't tick the box on every
(03:24):
stage oh my gosh, looks like I'min anger now Upcoming.
It's bargaining that it is aback and a forth two steps
forward, one steps back.
One step forward, two stepsback that it's not a linear
process at all.
And I think of grief as an onionthat peels, and peels when we
(03:48):
really least expect it.
So we might feel pretty good orlike okay, so I'm feeling
better now, and then, you know,here comes the tears, or here
comes the day on the couch, theloneliness, and a lot of people
get very upset.
They're like no, no, no, no, Ithought I was done with that.
(04:10):
Well, like your onion ispeeling, and which can be really
good because it means that yourmind is like, okay, we can
handle another thing now,whereas your heart is like, no,
thank you, I don't want any morethings, I've had enough.
Thank you so much.
If we look at the piece ofchange, it is so challenging for
(04:35):
a lot of us.
I know myself one thing that Ihave always done is to be in
control of multiple things, tomake me feel like I have control
over my life.
You know, I think this stemsfrom growing up and a lot of
chaos, a lot of unpredictability, a lot of loneliness.
(04:56):
I've talked about it before.
My mom was an addict andalcoholic and overall really
struggled with her mental health, so it did not provide like a
safe, stable home for me.
It was all over the place,never knew what to expect.
So then, being in control ofthings helped me to feel like I
(05:21):
wasn't just adrift on the oceanof chaos, that I could actually
make myself feel better, whichthis is a great coping mechanism
.
Until it isn't, as with allcoping mechanisms gosh darn it
this is working really well.
Until now it's not reallyworking very well because I'm
(05:43):
making myself pretty nuts tryingto control everything so that I
can feel better.
So this challenge with changeand I put grief and change very
close together, because whenthings change and it can be in a
(06:05):
way we want it to change and Iwill say certainly like the end
of a relationship, and maybethis relationship has not been
good and you have decided I wantto change, I want out of this
relationship.
On the other hand, we've allbeen where we are in a
relationship.
Maybe the relationship is goodor it's not good and the other
person has decided that theywant to end this relationship.
(06:29):
Those two scenarios feel awhole lot different.
One is because we were inchoice and we decided, and the
other one we feel completely outof control because we aren't
able to have things change inthe way that we want them to,
and again that can leave peopleflailing for trying to get
(06:51):
control in other areas of theirlives.
So it's really that change thatcan be so disorienting,
especially even if you're in arelationship and you don't want
to break up.
I mean, you don't enter arelationship thinking like, oh
yeah, at some point probablygoing to axe this.
So it's still really hard andit can be sad and it can be
(07:15):
scary and lonely and feel guilty.
So there are a lot of feelingsthat go along with changing
something, even if we think it'sfor the best.
And I factor grief in becausewe had an idea of what things
were going to be like and thingsare not turning out that way.
(07:38):
So there has to be some type ofmourning for what we wanted or
what we expected or what weactually thought was going to
happen.
And this piece, I think, isincredibly challenging because
many times we don't stop tothink like, oh, this is me
(07:58):
letting go of this, this is mehaving a hard time with not
getting what I thought I wasgoing to get.
Our brains don't really thinkof it that way.
They just feel like they're inrebellion about what is
happening.
So I think that trying toincorporate this model can be
(08:21):
extremely helpful when we'regoing through something, and the
whole reason that this evencame up.
I was talking to my sisteryesterday because my dad, over
the past several years, has beenin a cognitive decline and I
went to a doctor's appointmentwith him my gosh, maybe three or
(08:45):
so years ago because he went toget some testing and, I want to
say, saw a neuropsychologist tosee what was going on.
And my dad was in a helicopteraccident in 2011.
So now that's been 13 years andhe had a serious head injury.
(09:06):
In this.
It was really, as mosthelicopter accidents are, very
devastating.
My dad was in the front.
The pilot actually passed awayimmediately after the accident.
There were two men in the backand they survived and my dad was
(09:26):
pretty lucky because he lostconsciousness, so he didn't have
any of the PTSD that the othersurvivors did, because, you know
, my dad's friend was watchinghim, thinking that he's dying.
He knew the pilot was dead andso it was just very traumatic
all around.
It was very traumatic for thefamily because somebody calls
you and says, hey, your dad'sbeen in this helicopter accident
(09:50):
and you know that nothing goodis happening.
When that news comes across, Iwill say that you really.
Even.
So, that's a change and thatwas a process and that required
grieving in and of itself.
And now, as the years pass andmy dad is starting to have more
(10:13):
cognitive decline I also knowthat could have happened anyway,
certainly everything thatpeople dealing with dementia and
Alzheimer's or cognitivedecline I mean, they all have
different reasons and they'rejust not really controllable for
the most part.
So I know from his testing theyjust said it's not Alzheimer's,
(10:37):
it's just probably from theaccident, probably from age, a
little bit of everything, alittle bit of everything.
So my sister called yesterdaykind of with an update about
what he's having a harder timewith and we can't write checks
anymore because that'schallenging to get the numbers
(10:58):
to be the same and he wrote acheck for the wrong amount and
it was too much and that becamea problem.
And also I was just there acouple of months ago with him
and, as with any cognitivechanges, it's very interesting
because he can navigate.
This is an area he's lived infor 40 years the mountains, and
(11:20):
talk about when this fire washere and this mountain range,
and you know the changes withdifferent things, how some
things are the same.
He's so like enmeshed in thosememories, and those are
long-term memories.
Short-term is the real problem.
So, anyway, we had ourconversation and, you know, talk
(11:41):
about next steps, because it'snot going to get any better and
you know what that's going tolook like.
So then last night, when I wasgoing to bed, just like eyes
wide-eyed, like an owl, like ohmy gosh, and really thinking to
myself okay, tomorrow you goingto have to start trying to peel
(12:05):
this onion to make some sort ofpeace with what is happening,
and I have this really goodability to be business Heather.
So if you've got an emergencyand you need someone that's cool
as a cucumber, that's me.
But then at some point you knowI really need to fall apart and
(12:28):
I need to process what'shappening and feel all these
emotions.
So seemingly, when I go to bed,like that's a fantastic time to
do that.
But this really made me startthinking, because I was going to
do a different episode todayand I really wanted to talk
about this because I have seenit and I was actually looking at
(12:50):
finding an expert to come onthe show to talk about it.
Well then I thought you knowwhat, like I also work with this
because when we look at all ofthe areas, we experience loss.
Because when we look at all ofthe areas we experience loss.
Certainly in my life there havebeen.
You know, I had multiplemiscarriages before I had kids
(13:14):
and that was a sort of an oddexperience because I was a
little bit more of a miscarriage.
I lost a child that I had hopedand prayed for, but then the
rest of the world and it wasworse then.
I think it's a little betternow.
People are a little moresensitive.
You know, there isn't any sortof acknowledgement, it's more of
(13:38):
like, well, you can try again.
Or actually, the firstmiscarriage I would have had a
child.
At the time I was supposed toget married to my first husband
and we lost that baby and mymother-in-law I know she didn't
mean anything by it, but she waslike, well, this is really good
(13:58):
because we can stick with thesame date and then we'll have
the same venue, like all thesethings.
I was like, yes, this is great.
Thank you so much.
Um, you know she was justdealing with it in her own way,
but you know, miscarriagecertainly can be so hard for me
(14:20):
because it it really kicked upfear because this happened
before I had kids that I wasnever going to have kids and it
just wasn't going to happen forme.
Also, there's so much loss withjobs and finances.
Certainly I went through itduring the recession and I lost
(14:41):
my gym, I lost my house and Ilost my financial stability, my
ability to provide for my sonswho are a lot younger than and I
think those types of losseslosses of relationship,
certainly health I see that alot and I've experienced that I
(15:04):
was extremely healthy until Ihad my thyroid out and then just
pulling that thread caused somany other health issues and
then now I'm like the sickperson.
I just went to a conference andwas gone like Monday through
Thursday.
So Friday, thursday, so Friday,saturday and part of Sunday are
(15:28):
on the couch because I have torecover from being up and around
all day talking to people.
You know I did a talk and Ijust can't travel, get a good
night's sleep because I gotabout 10 hours of sleep every
night.
It's just it's too hard and mybody just needs a lot of rest
(15:49):
and coming to grips with thatand grieving who I used to be
the person that just like pushesthrough bebop.
If I can do it Moving on, youknow I'm not that person.
So I think that there is griefand loss in being around
somebody like that as well,because I'm sure that my husband
(16:12):
wishes that you know I couldjust do what I want and that has
to be hard for him to watch aswell.
Also, in terms of loss,obviously we lose people and
sometimes we lose those peoplebefore we lost them.
My best friend lost her fatherearlier this year and for the
(16:32):
last couple of years he had beenin, you know, different types
of decline.
So the guy that certainly Iremember that I met when I was a
teenager and in my 20s and 30s,40s, wasn't there anymore and
(16:55):
so it's grieving the loss of whohe was before he's even gone.
And I think that piece is alsoreally prevalent in cognitive
decline or people that arestruggling with chronic illness
and it just changes the way thatthey show up.
(17:15):
That can be grief for us aswell.
I know certainly mental health,because there are mental health
changes, somebody else changes,like that's a huge adjustment.
And again, sometimes we reallyreach for control.
Oh, you know what I can do, Ican do this.
And that's where it becomesvery vulnerable, because then
(17:40):
people like, oh, you know whatyou need, you know what this
cleanse is super helpful forthis.
Or, you know, we start reachingout for things that might not
be helpful at all but they'reproviding hope, but they're not
providing any sort of solution.
And of course, all of my workwith trying to help people stop
dieting.
There is grief in that.
(18:02):
I really remember going throughit, because dieting always felt
like there's some hope thatthis particular body, this look,
this weight, whatever we wantto call it is within reach and I
(18:23):
could get there and I couldstay there and I would be so
happy and things will be perfect.
I'd have the right job, myfriends would be great, I'd get
better gas mileage all of thesefantastic things would happen.
And of course, we also know thereality that people in smaller
(18:45):
bodies are treated muchdifferently than people in
larger bodies.
So this has reality based in itas well, and when things like
that change, we lose.
I guess I've heard someone talkabout intersectional privilege.
So when I was in a larger body,I couldn't just, you know, hop
(19:06):
into the doctor's office and getmy stuff taken care of.
I'd have to have like a littlekerfuffle outside about like I
don't want to be weighed andit's much different to say that
you don't want to be weighed ina larger body than in a smaller
body and then hopefully mydoctor would take my issue
(19:26):
seriously and not just say like,well, obviously you just need
to lose weight.
So I lost the privilege of justbeing able to go into my
doctor's office.
So now again I'm in a straightsized body and I totally can
just go in and be like, hey,this is going on and I know that
they will tend to that.
I don't have that type ofanxiety.
So there is a real loss withbody changes.
(19:51):
I know that there are someprofessionals that call it body
grief and I think that isabsolutely spot on to really
grieve this dream of life beinggreat if I'm in this ideal body
and also grieve the reality ofwhat is easier for me to do when
(20:14):
I'm in this particular body.
So there are a lot of differenttypes of loss that I think,
looking at it as a way ofgrieving, can be extremely
helpful, because we losedifferent things all of the time
(20:34):
and what I know causes us paincan be that white knuckle.
And what can I control?
And I absolutely know thatgrief and processing all of
these feelings are on the otherside of control.
We are not going to be able tocontrol this and control that
(20:59):
and process all of thesefeelings and when we want things
to look a certain way whetherit needs to look that way to us
or to other people it is reallya recipe for feeling really
discontent, just really restlessand using a lot of poor coping
(21:23):
mechanisms, and that's what Isee a lot of like.
I don't like this feeling.
I don't want, I don't like thischange.
I don't like this loss.
So I'm going to numb it out andthat's either going to be food
or booze or drugs or smoking orshopping being online.
I'm going to do something tonumb this out and that's why I
(21:45):
really want people to see thatthis is a loss and I feel like
it's such a respectful thing foryourself to acknowledge this is
a loss, and I have severalfriends right now that are kind
of in a divorce process allsorts of different places and
(22:09):
acknowledging that this is nothow I thought my life would look
and again, even if it's for thebest, of like, oh, maybe we
weren't quite a pair or man.
We used to be so good and itchanged and we lost that.
I don't know what happened, Ican't get it back and I don't
(22:31):
like it.
But making sure that we don'tfall into a lot of poor coping
mechanisms.
So I want to walk through whatI think can be really helpful,
and one just knowing the phasesdenial, anger, bargaining,
depression, acceptance can bereally helpful so that you can
(22:53):
say to yourself and be honestwith yourself, like, oh, this
change feels like a loss, and Ithink that I'm going through
this Because control, I think,is a piece of bargaining of like
, okay, okay, okay, okay, likethis thing is happening.
But here's what I can do tomake this other thing not happen
(23:15):
.
But acknowledging that we arelosing something and we don't
like it.
And again, even if it's yourchoice, a lot of times the
choices that we make are becausewe're sort of backed into a
corner and we've had to make achoice.
That can be really hard.
(23:35):
So really getting curious aboutwhat I'm feeling.
So acknowledging that I'mlosing something, something is
changing and you know, nottrying to gloss over that and
then, second, getting curiousabout our feelings, like what do
(24:03):
I feel?
Because this is is the thing.
But our feelings are on aspectrum, because I can be happy
or relieved and I can also bedevastatingly sad.
I can be absolutely undone thatthis is happening in the first
place.
And allowing yourself to letthose feelings live on a
(24:27):
spectrum is so important.
Not thinking this needs to betidied up.
I need to get this in a box,I'm going to get a beautiful bow
, it's going to go on the top ofmy closet and I'm not going to
look at it.
But that our feelings are Iwouldn't even say I mean messy,
has such a negative connotationbut they're multidimensional,
(24:49):
they're multi-layered, it'smultifactorial, there are so
many things that go into it andthat it is a complex tapestry.
If you will, I, as always,think that journaling is super
helpful.
If you don't have my journalingguide, you can go to
heathersayerslaymancom backslashjournal and download it.
(25:11):
But really talking to myself,about myself, about what I'm
feeling, is again such a kindthing to do for myself, because
if I'm a friend of me and I hearthat I'm having a hard time, I
would be like hey, like what'sgoing on?
Like, do you want to talk aboutit?
(25:32):
So this is me taking the timeto talk to me about this what's
going on.
So I think this curiosity pieceis really important.
And not filtering yourself ornot needing it to look a certain
way, or, especially where egois involved, that, like this
isn't bothering me.
(25:53):
Nobody has to know that this isbothering you.
You don't have to feel likeyou're losing or there's
something negative about thisbothering you.
And the third piece, as always,is really having some
self-compassion.
So, again, if I'm my friendlistening to me talk about this,
I would assume I would show upwith, like that sounds hard,
(26:19):
that is really tricky, thatsounds really disappointing.
All of these different thingsto acknowledge.
Yeah, this sounds like you'rein it, you're in the bottom of
the well, you are struggling andpossibly it's not going to
(26:40):
change or it's not going to getbetter.
Certainly, think of you know,like with my dad, like it's not
going to get better, he's notgoing to just suddenly have his
brain regenerate, and like, oh,my gosh, that was so weird that
I was so forgetful I couldn'teven write a check.
So I think that we like to wrapthings up, put it in that box
(27:03):
and have that bow, and there'ssome stuff it's not going to fit
.
It doesn't go there.
That's not where that lives,because there isn't an upside to
it.
It's just hard and it's justsad and it's very disappointing
and it is loss.
So, having compassion for myselfas I work through these
(27:25):
feelings, and lastly, the fourthpiece is self-care.
How am I going to take care ofmyself through this?
I will say that you know, myhusband is a really good example
Because again, when I got backfrom this trip, I don't feel bad
right away.
It takes a little bit for thatto sink in.
(27:47):
So I think it was Saturdaymorning.
I went to the gym and abouthalfway through my workout I was
like oh no, nope, we're notbouncing back.
We are, you know, destined forthe couch for a couple of days,
and he's really good aboutletting me know that looks like
(28:08):
you need rest.
He is helpful with my own selfcare and I trust him implicitly
to tell me and he will tell melike you look a little bit pale,
which I know it just means Ineed to rest, and so I don't
want to put somebody else incharge of my self care.
I think it is nice to have anetwork of people that remind
(28:29):
you.
But what is good for my body andmy spirit in this situation?
And that can absolutely bemaking sure I'm sleeping, I'm
resting, I'm processing myfeelings, I'm having food that
is working for my body, I'mmoving my body, I'm managing my
(28:50):
stress, all the different piecesthat we put together.
And obviously, if you've beenlistening to me, that doesn't
mean like, oh my gosh, I gosh, Ijust make sure I'm just clean
eating and you know, nochemicals, blah, blah, blah but
that when I talk about food thatworks for me like this morning
(29:10):
I had a muffin and it's one ofthose like a fibery muffin from
a local bakery and I didn't eatit all because I knew if I ate
at all, it would just be toomuch.
So making sure I'm tending tomy body Carbs are the start of
my day.
I feel much better and I alsofeel better if I don't eat a lot
(29:33):
.
So this extends to the rest ofthe day of having treats, but
also making sure that I'm givingmyself the fuel and nourishment
that I need.
So, whatever it is that worksfor you and self care I know
that I went to the gym yesterdayand it was, I don't know, like
(29:55):
a 50% effort, which is finebecause I knew if I got up, set
aside some time to move my body,I did more of like my physical
therapy exercises, like low keystuff.
Everybody else was doingdifferent stuff, I don't care,
but I knew I would feel betterif I move my body and I didn't
overexert myself.
That was really important.
(30:15):
So really dialing in to what itlooks like to take care of you.
So those four pieces reallyacknowledging what's going on
and being honest with yourself,getting really curious about
what you're feeling, showingyourself that self-compassion
and really rolling out what doesself-care look for me right now
(30:39):
?
Today is different fromtomorrow, tomorrow is different
from the next day.
What does it look for me rightnow?
What things make me feel betterin my body, what things make me
feel better in spirit andmaking sure that I am nurturing
myself.
So I hope those pieces help andI sure would would like to say
(31:02):
I hope that you're not grievinganything.
But this is life and the moretrips around the sun that we
have, the more loss we will have, and I certainly have lost
friends and family when theywere younger and I know that
they would give anything to behere to lose something else, to
(31:24):
grieve something else.
So I feel fortunate that I canhave these experiences.
I don't have to love them and Idon't have to, you know, be
jazzed that they're happening,but I really do have to walk
through them, not ignore them.
Make sure I'm really takinggood care of myself, because
(31:47):
that's also how I show up forother people when I am taking
care of myself, right.
Well, hopefully those stepshelp you and I am certainly
wishing the best for you andhope that you are getting
through whatever it is you needto get through by giving
(32:07):
yourself as much grace and loveas possible.
All right, take care.
Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun?
If you popped over to myInstagram at Heather Sayers
Lehman and dropped me a DM andlet me know what topics you want
me to cover?
Something bugging you,something holding you up?
(32:28):
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow theshow or you can leave a
five-star review on Apple orSpotify.
That would be fun, too, to seein the next episode.
We lose different things all of the time, and what
I know causes us pain can bethat white knuckle.
And what can I control?
And I absolutely know thatgrief and processing all of
these feelings are on the otherside of control.
(00:22):
We are not going to be able tocontrol this and control that
and process all of thesefeelings.
Hi, and welcome to the air webreathe.
Finding wellbeing that worksfor you a podcast to help you
cultivate healthy habits.
No rules, no obsession, noexhaustion.
(00:43):
I'm your host, heatherSayers-Layman.
I'm a National Ford CertifiedHealth and Wellness Coach,
certified Intuitive EatingCounselor and Certified Personal
Trainer.
Having navigated my ownchallenges with food and health,
I'm passionate about sharinginsights and strategies to help
you build better health and freeup mental space so you can live
a full and peaceful life.
(01:04):
I'm happy you're here.
Hi, everyone, and welcome tothis episode.
Today we are going to talk aboutgrief.
Oh my gosh, what a fun hottopic.
I see this come up so much inmy coaching.
(01:25):
I personally experience it andI wanted to have a bigger
discussion about grief, becausea lot of our conversations
around grief seem to think thatgrief is just this thing that we
do when somebody dies, somebodydies and actually I find that
(01:49):
we are grieving all the time forthings that we have lost,
things that are changing, thingsthat are out of our control,
and I wanted to make sure thatwe are having a bigger
conversation about that, becausethe biggest thing, I think it
just makes people so unhappy tofeel like everything is out of
their control and because thenwe wrestle for control.
(02:14):
So I want to dive in.
I'm going to talk about somedifferent types of grief,
various things that, when theychange, we have a hard time with
.
And obviously, like, what canwe do?
Because I feel like sometimeswe can feel lost or untethered
(02:37):
Because, again, like, the losscan be amorphic.
We didn't lose, like, a thingthat we had, we lost an idea, we
lost a dream, we lostexpectations.
So let's kind of get into grief.
And you know the classic model.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote abook a long long time ago called
(02:59):
On Death and Dying, and she wasthe one that came up with the
five stages of grief and, aswith any model, it's good and
it's bad.
So the five stages that shecame up with were denial, anger,
bargaining, depression andacceptance.
What we know is that peopledon't tick the box on every
(03:24):
stage oh my gosh, looks like I'min anger now Upcoming.
It's bargaining that it is aback and a forth two steps
forward, one steps back.
One step forward, two stepsback that it's not a linear
process at all.
And I think of grief as an onionthat peels, and peels when we
(03:48):
really least expect it.
So we might feel pretty good orlike okay, so I'm feeling
better now, and then, you know,here comes the tears, or here
comes the day on the couch, theloneliness, and a lot of people
get very upset.
They're like no, no, no, no, Ithought I was done with that.
(04:10):
Well, like your onion ispeeling, and which can be really
good because it means that yourmind is like, okay, we can
handle another thing now,whereas your heart is like, no,
thank you, I don't want any morethings, I've had enough.
Thank you so much.
If we look at the piece ofchange, it is so challenging for
(04:35):
a lot of us.
I know myself one thing that Ihave always done is to be in
control of multiple things, tomake me feel like I have control
over my life.
You know, I think this stemsfrom growing up and a lot of
chaos, a lot of unpredictability, a lot of loneliness.
(04:56):
I've talked about it before.
My mom was an addict andalcoholic and overall really
struggled with her mental health, so it did not provide like a
safe, stable home for me.
It was all over the place,never knew what to expect.
So then, being in control ofthings helped me to feel like I
(05:21):
wasn't just adrift on the oceanof chaos, that I could actually
make myself feel better, whichthis is a great coping mechanism
.
Until it isn't, as with allcoping mechanisms gosh darn it
this is working really well.
Until now it's not reallyworking very well because I'm
(05:43):
making myself pretty nuts tryingto control everything so that I
can feel better.
So this challenge with changeand I put grief and change very
close together, because whenthings change and it can be in a
(06:05):
way we want it to change and Iwill say certainly like the end
of a relationship, and maybethis relationship has not been
good and you have decided I wantto change, I want out of this
relationship.
On the other hand, we've allbeen where we are in a
relationship.
Maybe the relationship is goodor it's not good and the other
person has decided that theywant to end this relationship.
(06:29):
Those two scenarios feel awhole lot different.
One is because we were inchoice and we decided, and the
other one we feel completely outof control because we aren't
able to have things change inthe way that we want them to,
and again that can leave peopleflailing for trying to get
(06:51):
control in other areas of theirlives.
So it's really that change thatcan be so disorienting,
especially even if you're in arelationship and you don't want
to break up.
I mean, you don't enter arelationship thinking like, oh
yeah, at some point probablygoing to axe this.
So it's still really hard andit can be sad and it can be
(07:15):
scary and lonely and feel guilty.
So there are a lot of feelingsthat go along with changing
something, even if we think it'sfor the best.
And I factor grief in becausewe had an idea of what things
were going to be like and thingsare not turning out that way.
(07:38):
So there has to be some type ofmourning for what we wanted or
what we expected or what weactually thought was going to
happen.
And this piece, I think, isincredibly challenging because
many times we don't stop tothink like, oh, this is me
(07:58):
letting go of this, this is mehaving a hard time with not
getting what I thought I wasgoing to get.
Our brains don't really thinkof it that way.
They just feel like they're inrebellion about what is
happening.
So I think that trying toincorporate this model can be
(08:21):
extremely helpful when we'regoing through something, and the
whole reason that this evencame up.
I was talking to my sisteryesterday because my dad, over
the past several years, has beenin a cognitive decline and I
went to a doctor's appointmentwith him my gosh, maybe three or
(08:45):
so years ago because he went toget some testing and, I want to
say, saw a neuropsychologist tosee what was going on.
And my dad was in a helicopteraccident in 2011.
So now that's been 13 years andhe had a serious head injury.
(09:06):
In this.
It was really, as mosthelicopter accidents are, very
devastating.
My dad was in the front.
The pilot actually passed awayimmediately after the accident.
There were two men in the backand they survived and my dad was
(09:26):
pretty lucky because he lostconsciousness, so he didn't have
any of the PTSD that the othersurvivors did, because, you know
, my dad's friend was watchinghim, thinking that he's dying.
He knew the pilot was dead andso it was just very traumatic
all around.
It was very traumatic for thefamily because somebody calls
you and says, hey, your dad'sbeen in this helicopter accident
(09:50):
and you know that nothing goodis happening.
When that news comes across, Iwill say that you really.
Even.
So, that's a change and thatwas a process and that required
grieving in and of itself.
And now, as the years pass andmy dad is starting to have more
(10:13):
cognitive decline I also knowthat could have happened anyway,
certainly everything thatpeople dealing with dementia and
Alzheimer's or cognitivedecline I mean, they all have
different reasons and they'rejust not really controllable for
the most part.
So I know from his testing theyjust said it's not Alzheimer's,
(10:37):
it's just probably from theaccident, probably from age, a
little bit of everything, alittle bit of everything.
So my sister called yesterdaykind of with an update about
what he's having a harder timewith and we can't write checks
anymore because that'schallenging to get the numbers
(10:58):
to be the same and he wrote acheck for the wrong amount and
it was too much and that becamea problem.
And also I was just there acouple of months ago with him
and, as with any cognitivechanges, it's very interesting
because he can navigate.
This is an area he's lived infor 40 years the mountains, and
(11:20):
talk about when this fire washere and this mountain range,
and you know the changes withdifferent things, how some
things are the same.
He's so like enmeshed in thosememories, and those are
long-term memories.
Short-term is the real problem.
So, anyway, we had ourconversation and, you know, talk
(11:41):
about next steps, because it'snot going to get any better and
you know what that's going tolook like.
So then last night, when I wasgoing to bed, just like eyes
wide-eyed, like an owl, like ohmy gosh, and really thinking to
myself okay, tomorrow you goingto have to start trying to peel
(12:05):
this onion to make some sort ofpeace with what is happening,
and I have this really goodability to be business Heather.
So if you've got an emergencyand you need someone that's cool
as a cucumber, that's me.
But then at some point you knowI really need to fall apart and
(12:28):
I need to process what'shappening and feel all these
emotions.
So seemingly, when I go to bed,like that's a fantastic time to
do that.
But this really made me startthinking, because I was going to
do a different episode todayand I really wanted to talk
about this because I have seenit and I was actually looking at
(12:50):
finding an expert to come onthe show to talk about it.
Well then I thought you knowwhat, like I also work with this
because when we look at all ofthe areas, we experience loss.
Because when we look at all ofthe areas we experience loss.
Certainly in my life there havebeen.
You know, I had multiplemiscarriages before I had kids
(13:14):
and that was a sort of an oddexperience because I was a
little bit more of a miscarriage.
I lost a child that I had hopedand prayed for, but then the
rest of the world and it wasworse then.
I think it's a little betternow.
People are a little moresensitive.
You know, there isn't any sortof acknowledgement, it's more of
(13:38):
like, well, you can try again.
Or actually, the firstmiscarriage I would have had a
child.
At the time I was supposed toget married to my first husband
and we lost that baby and mymother-in-law I know she didn't
mean anything by it, but she waslike, well, this is really good
(13:58):
because we can stick with thesame date and then we'll have
the same venue, like all thesethings.
I was like, yes, this is great.
Thank you so much.
Um, you know she was justdealing with it in her own way,
but you know, miscarriagecertainly can be so hard for me
(14:20):
because it it really kicked upfear because this happened
before I had kids that I wasnever going to have kids and it
just wasn't going to happen forme.
Also, there's so much loss withjobs and finances.
Certainly I went through itduring the recession and I lost
(14:41):
my gym, I lost my house and Ilost my financial stability, my
ability to provide for my sonswho are a lot younger than and I
think those types of losseslosses of relationship,
certainly health I see that alot and I've experienced that I
(15:04):
was extremely healthy until Ihad my thyroid out and then just
pulling that thread caused somany other health issues and
then now I'm like the sickperson.
I just went to a conference andwas gone like Monday through
Thursday.
So Friday, thursday, so Friday,saturday and part of Sunday are
(15:28):
on the couch because I have torecover from being up and around
all day talking to people.
You know I did a talk and Ijust can't travel, get a good
night's sleep because I gotabout 10 hours of sleep every
night.
It's just it's too hard and mybody just needs a lot of rest
(15:49):
and coming to grips with thatand grieving who I used to be
the person that just like pushesthrough bebop.
If I can do it Moving on, youknow I'm not that person.
So I think that there is griefand loss in being around
somebody like that as well,because I'm sure that my husband
(16:12):
wishes that you know I couldjust do what I want and that has
to be hard for him to watch aswell.
Also, in terms of loss,obviously we lose people and
sometimes we lose those peoplebefore we lost them.
My best friend lost her fatherearlier this year and for the
(16:32):
last couple of years he had beenin, you know, different types
of decline.
So the guy that certainly Iremember that I met when I was a
teenager and in my 20s and 30s,40s, wasn't there anymore and
(16:55):
so it's grieving the loss of whohe was before he's even gone.
And I think that piece is alsoreally prevalent in cognitive
decline or people that arestruggling with chronic illness
and it just changes the way thatthey show up.
(17:15):
That can be grief for us aswell.
I know certainly mental health,because there are mental health
changes, somebody else changes,like that's a huge adjustment.
And again, sometimes we reallyreach for control.
Oh, you know what I can do, Ican do this.
And that's where it becomesvery vulnerable, because then
(17:40):
people like, oh, you know whatyou need, you know what this
cleanse is super helpful forthis.
Or, you know, we start reachingout for things that might not
be helpful at all but they'reproviding hope, but they're not
providing any sort of solution.
And of course, all of my workwith trying to help people stop
dieting.
There is grief in that.
(18:02):
I really remember going throughit, because dieting always felt
like there's some hope thatthis particular body, this look,
this weight, whatever we wantto call it is within reach and I
(18:23):
could get there and I couldstay there and I would be so
happy and things will be perfect.
I'd have the right job, myfriends would be great, I'd get
better gas mileage all of thesefantastic things would happen.
And of course, we also know thereality that people in smaller
(18:45):
bodies are treated muchdifferently than people in
larger bodies.
So this has reality based in itas well, and when things like
that change, we lose.
I guess I've heard someone talkabout intersectional privilege.
So when I was in a larger body,I couldn't just, you know, hop
(19:06):
into the doctor's office and getmy stuff taken care of.
I'd have to have like a littlekerfuffle outside about like I
don't want to be weighed andit's much different to say that
you don't want to be weighed ina larger body than in a smaller
body and then hopefully mydoctor would take my issue
(19:26):
seriously and not just say like,well, obviously you just need
to lose weight.
So I lost the privilege of justbeing able to go into my
doctor's office.
So now again I'm in a straightsized body and I totally can
just go in and be like, hey,this is going on and I know that
they will tend to that.
I don't have that type ofanxiety.
So there is a real loss withbody changes.
(19:51):
I know that there are someprofessionals that call it body
grief and I think that isabsolutely spot on to really
grieve this dream of life beinggreat if I'm in this ideal body
and also grieve the reality ofwhat is easier for me to do when
(20:14):
I'm in this particular body.
So there are a lot of differenttypes of loss that I think,
looking at it as a way ofgrieving, can be extremely
helpful, because we losedifferent things all of the time
(20:34):
and what I know causes us paincan be that white knuckle.
And what can I control?
And I absolutely know thatgrief and processing all of
these feelings are on the otherside of control.
We are not going to be able tocontrol this and control that
(20:59):
and process all of thesefeelings and when we want things
to look a certain way whetherit needs to look that way to us
or to other people it is reallya recipe for feeling really
discontent, just really restlessand using a lot of poor coping
(21:23):
mechanisms, and that's what Isee a lot of like.
I don't like this feeling.
I don't want, I don't like thischange.
I don't like this loss.
So I'm going to numb it out andthat's either going to be food
or booze or drugs or smoking orshopping being online.
I'm going to do something tonumb this out and that's why I
(21:45):
really want people to see thatthis is a loss and I feel like
it's such a respectful thing foryourself to acknowledge this is
a loss, and I have severalfriends right now that are kind
of in a divorce process allsorts of different places and
(22:09):
acknowledging that this is nothow I thought my life would look
and again, even if it's for thebest, of like, oh, maybe we
weren't quite a pair or man.
We used to be so good and itchanged and we lost that.
I don't know what happened, Ican't get it back and I don't
(22:31):
like it.
But making sure that we don'tfall into a lot of poor coping
mechanisms.
So I want to walk through whatI think can be really helpful,
and one just knowing the phasesdenial, anger, bargaining,
depression, acceptance can bereally helpful so that you can
(22:53):
say to yourself and be honestwith yourself, like, oh, this
change feels like a loss, and Ithink that I'm going through
this Because control, I think,is a piece of bargaining of like
, okay, okay, okay, okay, likethis thing is happening.
But here's what I can do tomake this other thing not happen
(23:15):
.
But acknowledging that we arelosing something and we don't
like it.
And again, even if it's yourchoice, a lot of times the
choices that we make are becausewe're sort of backed into a
corner and we've had to make achoice.
That can be really hard.
(23:35):
So really getting curious aboutwhat I'm feeling.
So acknowledging that I'mlosing something, something is
changing and you know, nottrying to gloss over that and
then, second, getting curiousabout our feelings, like what do
(24:03):
I feel?
Because this is is the thing.
But our feelings are on aspectrum, because I can be happy
or relieved and I can also bedevastatingly sad.
I can be absolutely undone thatthis is happening in the first
place.
And allowing yourself to letthose feelings live on a
(24:27):
spectrum is so important.
Not thinking this needs to betidied up.
I need to get this in a box,I'm going to get a beautiful bow
, it's going to go on the top ofmy closet and I'm not going to
look at it.
But that our feelings are Iwouldn't even say I mean messy,
has such a negative connotationbut they're multidimensional,
(24:49):
they're multi-layered, it'smultifactorial, there are so
many things that go into it andthat it is a complex tapestry.
If you will, I, as always,think that journaling is super
helpful.
If you don't have my journalingguide, you can go to
heathersayerslaymancom backslashjournal and download it.
(25:11):
But really talking to myself,about myself, about what I'm
feeling, is again such a kindthing to do for myself, because
if I'm a friend of me and I hearthat I'm having a hard time, I
would be like hey, like what'sgoing on?
Like, do you want to talk aboutit?
(25:32):
So this is me taking the timeto talk to me about this what's
going on.
So I think this curiosity pieceis really important.
And not filtering yourself ornot needing it to look a certain
way, or, especially where egois involved, that, like this
isn't bothering me.
(25:53):
Nobody has to know that this isbothering you.
You don't have to feel likeyou're losing or there's
something negative about thisbothering you.
And the third piece, as always,is really having some
self-compassion.
So, again, if I'm my friendlistening to me talk about this,
I would assume I would show upwith, like that sounds hard,
(26:19):
that is really tricky, thatsounds really disappointing.
All of these different thingsto acknowledge.
Yeah, this sounds like you'rein it, you're in the bottom of
the well, you are struggling andpossibly it's not going to
(26:40):
change or it's not going to getbetter.
Certainly, think of you know,like with my dad, like it's not
going to get better, he's notgoing to just suddenly have his
brain regenerate, and like, oh,my gosh, that was so weird that
I was so forgetful I couldn'teven write a check.
So I think that we like to wrapthings up, put it in that box
(27:03):
and have that bow, and there'ssome stuff it's not going to fit
.
It doesn't go there.
That's not where that lives,because there isn't an upside to
it.
It's just hard and it's justsad and it's very disappointing
and it is loss.
So, having compassion for myselfas I work through these
(27:25):
feelings, and lastly, the fourthpiece is self-care.
How am I going to take care ofmyself through this?
I will say that you know, myhusband is a really good example
Because again, when I got backfrom this trip, I don't feel bad
right away.
It takes a little bit for thatto sink in.
(27:47):
So I think it was Saturdaymorning.
I went to the gym and abouthalfway through my workout I was
like oh no, nope, we're notbouncing back.
We are, you know, destined forthe couch for a couple of days,
and he's really good aboutletting me know that looks like
(28:08):
you need rest.
He is helpful with my own selfcare and I trust him implicitly
to tell me and he will tell melike you look a little bit pale,
which I know it just means Ineed to rest, and so I don't
want to put somebody else incharge of my self care.
I think it is nice to have anetwork of people that remind
(28:29):
you.
But what is good for my body andmy spirit in this situation?
And that can absolutely bemaking sure I'm sleeping, I'm
resting, I'm processing myfeelings, I'm having food that
is working for my body, I'mmoving my body, I'm managing my
(28:50):
stress, all the different piecesthat we put together.
And obviously, if you've beenlistening to me, that doesn't
mean like, oh my gosh, I gosh, Ijust make sure I'm just clean
eating and you know, nochemicals, blah, blah, blah but
that when I talk about food thatworks for me like this morning
(29:10):
I had a muffin and it's one ofthose like a fibery muffin from
a local bakery and I didn't eatit all because I knew if I ate
at all, it would just be toomuch.
So making sure I'm tending tomy body Carbs are the start of
my day.
I feel much better and I alsofeel better if I don't eat a lot
(29:33):
.
So this extends to the rest ofthe day of having treats, but
also making sure that I'm givingmyself the fuel and nourishment
that I need.
So, whatever it is that worksfor you and self care I know
that I went to the gym yesterdayand it was, I don't know, like
(29:55):
a 50% effort, which is finebecause I knew if I got up, set
aside some time to move my body,I did more of like my physical
therapy exercises, like low keystuff.
Everybody else was doingdifferent stuff, I don't care,
but I knew I would feel betterif I move my body and I didn't
overexert myself.
That was really important.
(30:15):
So really dialing in to what itlooks like to take care of you.
So those four pieces reallyacknowledging what's going on
and being honest with yourself,getting really curious about
what you're feeling, showingyourself that self-compassion
and really rolling out what doesself-care look for me right now
(30:39):
?
Today is different fromtomorrow, tomorrow is different
from the next day.
What does it look for me rightnow?
What things make me feel betterin my body, what things make me
feel better in spirit andmaking sure that I am nurturing
myself.
So I hope those pieces help andI sure would would like to say
(31:02):
I hope that you're not grievinganything.
But this is life and the moretrips around the sun that we
have, the more loss we will have, and I certainly have lost
friends and family when theywere younger and I know that
they would give anything to behere to lose something else, to
(31:24):
grieve something else.
So I feel fortunate that I canhave these experiences.
I don't have to love them and Idon't have to, you know, be
jazzed that they're happening,but I really do have to walk
through them, not ignore them.
Make sure I'm really takinggood care of myself, because
(31:47):
that's also how I show up forother people when I am taking
care of myself, right.
Well, hopefully those stepshelp you and I am certainly
wishing the best for you andhope that you are getting
through whatever it is you needto get through by giving
(32:07):
yourself as much grace and loveas possible.
All right, take care.
Thanks so much for listeningtoday.
Do you know what would bereally fun?
If you popped over to myInstagram at Heather Sayers
Lehman and dropped me a DM andlet me know what topics you want
me to cover?
Something bugging you,something holding you up?
(32:28):
Please just let me know and Iwill tweak some content and get
an episode out just for you.
As always, please follow theshow or you can leave a
five-star review on Apple orSpotify.
That would be fun, too, to seein the next episode.
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