Finding Balance Through Unexpected Trials

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How do you handle life's unexpected roadblocks, both literal and metaphorical? Picture this: a flat tire on an empty road, with no one around to help. Such moments can either break us or become pivotal experiences of growth. Join me as I recount a personal story where managing a flat tire while my husband was out of town transformed my approach to anxiety and stress. By harnessing resilience and self-compassion, I discovered the power of handling life's surprises with grace and clarity—a lesson that extends far beyond car troubles.

Throughout this episode, we explore the metaphorical blowouts in our own lives, those hidden struggles we often face alone. Reflecting on personal vulnerability, I share my journey of learning to rely on others, highlighting how my brother's swift assistance taught me the value of support systems. Together, we navigate the maze of self-reflection and daily pressures, seeking calm amidst chaos. By redefining my personal space and embracing rituals for resetting my nervous system, I found a balance that allowed me to thrive under societal pressures, nurturing profound connections with my surroundings.

As the conversation unfolds, we delve into the significance of human connections and shared experiences. Tools like idea space cards become allies in moments of uncertainty, guiding us toward personal growth and collective understanding. In the face of ego-driven desires and the chase for external validation, embracing the present moment becomes a profound practice. Join me in redefining our narratives through mindful intention and creative expression, as we transform self-doubt into a celebration of personal achievements and envision new realities with the dawning of a new year.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
hello, hello, hello, my friends, welcome back to the
artist within podcast.
I am your host, adela hitel.
This is season one, the road toresilience.
And boy has it been a true testof the title I promise this
year Not that I haven't beenresilient before and in my life

(00:30):
and all the other stuff, buthere we are it is.
I got a little off the tangentin there.
I had to because it's been thatkind of resilience year right
For real.
This podcast is produced andsponsored by project human think
, a new way to think aboutmental and emotional health.
Our mission is to bridge thegap between our own beings, our

(00:52):
emotional, physical, mental,spiritual state of existence, to
provide us with ways offunctioning and understanding
the processes of our daily lifebetter.
So where have I been?
I have disappeared for the lasttwo, three weeks because I have
absolutely needed to.
It has been a challenging, tosay the least, couple of weeks,

(01:19):
couple of months.
To be honest, I want to tellyou a little story that doesn't.
That may or may not make senseto you, but it makes sense to me
now that I think back on thatsituation and how I handled it,
and it makes sense now on whatGod is preparing me to do and

(01:41):
how he's preparing me to handlethe weight of what is ahead of
me, and am I ready for it?
Yes and no.
Is it time to take on the reinsof that space?
Yes and no at the same time.
And so for me, it'sunderstanding that balance.
Yes, it's imperative that I'mhere, that I'm a voice, that I

(02:04):
advocate, that I speak up.
It's imperative that I use myplatform and my space and my
life and my existence and mybreath for the goodness and the
kindness and compassion ofhumanity and for life right.
It is imperative.
It's also imperative that Iprovide that same value to
myself and same process to that.

(02:26):
So a couple of months ago I tookmy husband's car.
He was out of town and I havelearned my lesson.
This last time I'm getting aspeeding ticket.
I'm never taking my husband'scar again unless absolutely
emergency needed, not forconvenience at all, it's just
not mine.
Trouble always finds me there.

(02:49):
So I took his car and on my wayto the, wherever I was going I
was going to the store, goingsomewhere my tire blew.
Now it didn't blow like yournormal blowout when you're
driving on the highway and itjust right and you're like, oh,
what's happening?
No, I was going just fine, itwas absolutely fine, and then,

(03:11):
out of nowhere, from you know,60 to 0 on my speed, everything
and my psi from like 38 to 0 injust seconds.
And I'm like, oh my god, whathappened?
What the heck happened?
So it, this slight panic, tookover me because the anxiety of

(03:34):
oh my gosh, my husband's out oftown.
I just blew a tire, I don'tknow what to do it.
Just had it been a couple yearsprior to that, I would have
literally lost my shit.
Honestly, I would have lost allof my shit, I would have cried,
I would have threw a gasket, Iwould have had a tantrum bigger
than I could potentially have, Iwould have hyperventilated, set
myself into a panic spiral andit just would have been a

(03:56):
nightmare.
I would have because I havedone it.
So that is so.
That was what was the thoughtas that happened.
So I'm driving, that happens,I'm on.
Thankfully, I am on the tollroads, which are a little less
busy a lot less busy, if I'mbeing honest, which is great and
I was also by the merge areas,like off of an exit, so there

(04:17):
was extra lane and I could getover.
So, like all the right thingshappen.
And that's kind of what Ithought about as this was
happening.
I was like, okay, what?
Instantly, instead of the panic, I mean, I felt the panic rise
within me.
I can't like.
It felt like this boiling levelof water just came upon me,
just oh, my god, I'm gonna die,kind of thing.
But I also was like okay,breathe.

(04:38):
You don't know what's happening, you don't understand.
It's just a flat tire, as itseems.
So let's pull over.
And I literally talked myselfthrough that, like I was out
loud speaking Adela, pull over,it's cool, you got this, you got
this.
So I rolled my way over, I pullover, you know, I pull over as
safely as I can Get out, assistthe situation.

(05:01):
And I look at it it's a flat,flat.
I can't tell where the flat is.
I literally can't tell, butit's flat.
It's just flat on the bottom.
And so I'm like shit.
And so I call my, I text myhusband, I'm like, hey, just got
a flat, I'm gonna get it takencare of, or I might have texted
him afterwards or whatever.
Regardless he one way oranother, I I did let him know,

(05:24):
but I think I let him knowafterwards and I opened up my
trunk I look if I have a spare.
I have a spare I pulled.
I started to pull the spare out, right, because I'm like well,
I've changed tires before.
This has happened to me beforeI can do this.
Let me just take care of it, bea grown up and take care of it
right and not freak out and dowhatever.
I up and take care of it rightand not freak out and do

(05:50):
whatever.
I was also dressed, really cuteand pretty that day, like I had
my sweater on and I had my cute,like it was.
Just it was.
It was a cute day and I go topull the tire out and I realized
I'm a delicate flower.
Now, like I am a delicateflower, I have learned my
complete fragility andvulnerability and my delicacy.
The picking up that tire was soheavy and so hard.
Now I'm not saying that in anextreme situation I will not

(06:14):
have the strength, the power,the absolute need, necessity.
But in that situation Irealized it was not extreme.
I was not like it was gonna beokay.
So I was like okay, god, I gotthis.
I'm gonna call my brother andask him to come save me because
I need that.
He's my younger brother, likeby a decade so, but he's a

(06:36):
master mechanic, knows his stuffand nobody else I trust.
And I was like, all right, sodial him, he picks up right away
.
And I was like hey s right, sodial him, he picks up right away
.
And I was like, hey, sissy's introuble, can you come save me?
I have a flat.
Is there a way you could comeand take care of me?
And he's like, of course, I gotyou.
I need a couple of minutes.
So I was like no worries, youknow, way faster than a tow
truck, by the way, way fasterthan any kind of service,

(06:59):
potentially, which I should.
Let me look this up while I'mtalking to you too.
But I did learn that you canlet me make sure I get this
right.
Jacksonville toe, no, notJacksonville toe, because it's
free, and I think you shouldknow, and I forgot to add that
in because I forgot I was gonnatell the story.
Jacksonville Road Rangerassistance.

(07:25):
Here we go.
Fdot road ranger there we go,there we go, there we go.
There's the number.
Okay, I have it in a machine.
Just a second.
So while I'm talking, let mepull this up too.
Here we go.
This is the number you you needto use to text 3, star 347.

(07:49):
Okay, so the reason why I wantto say that and it's really
important because they stoppedand were very kind and nice to
me, but our Florida Departmentof Transportation, that's what
it is I believe you can text ourroad rangers the star 347
number right there, it'll sit onthe screen, star 347, and you

(08:10):
can get assistance in gettingyour change of flat tires.
It says it right there.
Jumpstart of minor vehiclesprovide standard local free
calls if you need it.
Help clear disabled vehicles,gasoline, water, diesel,
whatever you might need on that,so they can help you if you are

(08:31):
stuck.
Basically is one way or anotherthey can help you.
So I first of all did not knowthat that was not something that
I should have known, but I didnot know that I should have
known that, but I did not knowthat, so it was great.
So I'm stuck on the side of theroad and I am, you know, I sit
in my car for a minute.
I call my brother.
My brother comes, my brother'scalls, answers, the call says

(08:53):
he's on his way and I'm, likeyou know, chilling in my car and
doing my thing and I'm saying aprayer to God and telling him
that I'm having a conversationactually and I'm having a
conversation actually and I'mgoing.
You know, I really could befreaking out right now and I am
freaking out right now.
However, at the same time, I'mnot freaking out right now
because you got me, you got this, I got this, we got this and my
brother's going to be here soon, it's all going to be okay and
I, you know it'll work out,because it all works out and it

(09:17):
was just really cool and I saidthat too was like it's really
awesome that I can feel thispanic attack.
I can, I can process that.
It's happening within my bodyand it's choking me.
However, at the same time, I'malso able to.
I have this like voice withinthat I've strengthened so much.
That is my own guidance.

(09:39):
It's like, adela, like you gotthis you have.
It's my own self-help talk.
I promise you it's not somebodythat has come through and is
like oh, I, I call it my ownadela voice.
I had to build her up.
I had to make sure that sheunderstood that.
You know, she, she, she is myguidance when I'm lost.
And that's also to me like Ihad to build trust and faith in

(10:00):
god and the holy spirit andthat's kind of part of all that
connected to it's just the waymy brain thinks it and so when
that calming voice of myselfcomes through, that conscious
voice of myself that comesthrough, it says Adela, you got
this, we got this, it's all good.
It's also God talking to me andI'm talking to him and like
having this moment on that.
So I was in there having thatconversation and I see the road

(10:21):
ranger coming up and he pulls upand he pulls behind me and I
get out of the car.
You know, pull up to him andhe's still in the car because I
didn't need him to really comeout and I didn't obviously know
anything about somebody comingor like that they could do like
I just didn't know.
So this is where I will sharewith you why information or lack

(10:44):
of information, it's part of myoh, I just saw it in here.
It's part of my little cardsthat I picked up.
Lack of information causesgeneralization.
It's a life lesson I have righthere.
It was my life pickup cardtoday.
So it all makes sense.
So my lack of information justcaused me to kind of get into a

(11:06):
general panic and caused me toput me into this level of like.
I don't know anything, but I'llfigure it out.
Uh, and there's assistance intheir resources.
You know, star three, four,seven text that and they can
absolutely help.
So, anyway, he pulls up andhe's like and he's a big muscly
man, okay, he's this big muscly,he's a man's man.
And so he's like what?
And he's a big muscly man?
Okay, he's this big muscly,he's a man's man.
And so he's like what's goingon?

(11:28):
You okay, you know, whatever.
I was like yeah, I'm good, mybrother's on his way to help me
change the tire, so he should behere in the next like 15, 20
minutes.
I'm all good, you know I'mpretty good.
And he's like oh, hey, forfuture reference, before you
call anybody, or you know, ifyou don't have anybody on the
way, call us, text us thisnumber, and it was the 34,.

(11:50):
Start 347.
So start 347, that.
And he's like we'll come outand help with the flat tire,
we'll help.
You know, change, at leastchange to your spare, get you
some gas, make sure that you'reOK in this, in the situation
you're in.
It's a free service.
And I was like oh, shoot, okay,um, so I, you know.
So he, I was like he's likeI'll come back in about next

(12:12):
10-15 minutes, see, make sureyou're good, whatever.
Um, I was like yeah, no,worries, absolutely.
Um.
And then he said we kind ofstarted talking a little bit
about um, you know how his daywas going, how mine was slightly
on that, and he's like you know.
I was like, well, I try to the,so I tell a little bit about me
trying to pull the, uh, thespare out.
And I was like you know, try topull it out.

(12:33):
And that just is like no, andhe goes, he's like you know, a
lot of women nowadays do theirown thing and change tires and
all that stuff.
And I was like, I was like oh,no, no, no, I'm one of those
women, absolutely one of thosewomen.
However, this is where I'm atright now.
I've understood and accepted myfragility, my vulnerability, and
I understand the differencebetween the man and a woman, and
your strength is what'snecessary for here.

(12:55):
This is what you do.
This is a boy job, man job, andit's just not a job for me.
And you know what nowadays, Ican wait, I don't need to rush
it, I will have a man come saveme.
And he started laughing and I'mlike so my brother will come
and save me and it'll take him30 seconds to with his little
you know speedy gonzalez toolsthat he has, because that's his

(13:17):
profession, not mine versus metrying to err, err, the whole
time of bolting on bolting andthen and then let's not even
sure if I'll have the strengthto, you know, put it back on
right.
So I was.
There's just too many chancesfor me to.
I don't need to play my ownhero, I can get a hero.

(13:38):
And that was really cool too,because that's not something
I've ever done.
I've never, ever, played or putmy hero hat down and been like
let me call the resources, letme call the humans in my life,
let me call the men in my lifeand ask them to help me.
So it was a really coolexperience and really cool
process to be there and to kindof recognize that my complete

(14:03):
need to like I'm in this space.
The reason I say this story isbecause it reminds me of how
fragile I have become in thisspace since that time and how
much I need my own reminder of Ican't do it all right, it's not
my job to do it all, so I hadto take a couple of weeks off.

(14:28):
I had to spend some time andtake a couple of weeks off and
remind myself of that, that mystate of existence, that level
of vulnerability that I sharewith everybody and that openness
that I have.
It takes a toll on me.
And during that process, duringthese last three weeks, I
picked up the Bible, I startedreading and I started really
understanding.

(14:49):
To be honest, understanding mywhole path of every trials and
tribulation, every sacrifice,every portion of my life is
coming into this sense oforganized understanding versus
scattered and confused.
My dreams are still scatteredand confused.

(15:11):
I wake up still lost and stillconfused.
I can't find my way out ofsomewhere, I can't understand
some things that are happening.
And I'm there and I'mconsciously awake, like walking
through corridors or puttingmyself into spaces or, you know,
like having a nightmare.
I can't find my car when I knowI parked it and then actually
living that nightmare outsomewhere, shape or form, is

(15:31):
kind of crazy and creepy, andit's been.
I've been having those momentsquite a bit over these last
couple of months, and so when Irealized that the amount of
stress I was taking on and thetoll of the weight of the world
and the weight of everythingthat, like the negativity that's
going on in the world, the lossof life that's happening across

(15:53):
the globe, but also around mein my own personal life, was a
massive toll.
This time to take and getthrough.
Have told us, this time to take, all to take and get through.
And the reason I say the storyto that, and how it relates to
now too, is because that wasalso the day I remember asking,
like telling God I'm like you'repreparing me for something

(16:13):
massive, aren't you like?
I know this tire blowing out isyour way to prepare me for
something greater.
And because it didn't blow thenorm away like it didn't, it
didn't explode, I did it, it wasan, it was an interior blow to
the tire.
So when I got the tire to theplace, when I got all my stuff

(16:35):
and my brother came and fixed it, which was like 15 minutes, he
came in.
It took literally 45 minutesfrom the time that it happened.
For me getting to the, to theplace and you my getting my car
in.
Now my car tech getting thetire fixed, was an all-day
process, but getting to that, tothat, I was able to go home,
get uber, you know, yada, yada,and come to find out it was an

(16:55):
interior blow, like, like itblew from the inside.
And so I'm a metaphor girl.
Okay, I have learned.
I love metaphors, I loveanalogies, I love finding
connections in life, I loveseeing simple things and finding
great meaning in them.
It's just a part of how Ifunction and how it makes me

(17:16):
work.
And so that tired day, how itblew and how there was no
external damage, how there wasnothing on the outside, like
literally nothing that indicatedthat there was something
happening, even my brother waslike it's probably he's like the
only logical thing could bethat's from the inside, like it
did something inside, whereas,you know, I'm like there's no

(17:37):
puncture, there's nothing.
And so, yes, that's what it was.
And they, you know, of course,had to replace the tire and do
that.
But the frame of it, thestructure of it, you know, all
of that was fine.
And so I took that as a metaphor, because I, how easily can one
just blow up in an internalspace of themselves?

(17:59):
So if you're constantly movingand moving, and moving, and
moving, and moving and movingand not giving yourself the
proper care, you know theinternal part of what's holding
you together will eventuallystart to deteriorate.
So you know my organs, my, my,my muscles, my bones, my, the

(18:20):
interior structure of me, and Irealized that since, since,
about July, since we did thedocumentary, filming and
finishing that up and you know,going out to California, coming
back doing more stuff, launchingthe podcast, getting it going
out, obviously the whole family,everything, like I didn't take

(18:42):
any time to myself.
And then the loss of life thatI incurred, the, the extreme
personal loss of life, um, tadbeing one of them, and then also
the reason that set me off andhaving to take these last two
weeks off was that lot.
Uh, two two weeks ago, um, afriend that I had met through my

(19:06):
spa that I go to in StAugustine Salt Spa, which
they're fantastic, austin Johns.
He passed away too, and at hisown hand as well, and that was
so hard for me to digest,because this bright light, this

(19:26):
smile, this being that I'vegotten to know through my visits
and through our conversationand sharing the podcast and
sharing a few messages here andthere, like I've gotten to know
him just a little bit, and hislight was so bright and to have
it diminished again, it reallyhit me hard because I became
hopeless.
Right, I became hopeless.
I was like god, like how, howis this happening right now,

(19:52):
especially around me?
And I went into my pity mestate and I went into asking why
is it happening to me whenhumans, like the actual human
suffering, are the ones who'velost their child, who've lost
their loved one, who've losttheir brother, who've lost their
sister, who've lost their like,like suffering?
And I went into this despair Ican't help, I'm.

(20:13):
Everything I'm doing isterrible.
What's the point?
And I really, and and on a on areally deep level, like every, I
truly, wholeheartedly know thatthere is no point to what I'm
doing right now.
There is no like it doesn'tmatter because in a blink of a

(20:36):
second blink of an eye it'lljust stop, won't ever matter,
won't ever be of significance,ever at all.
On the other hand, thisenormous hope that the parts
that is left behind, the partsthat are here, the parts that we
do project, the parts that arelife right now that we have the

(21:00):
ability, I hope, I hope and hopethat it is impactful and that
it can be everlasting and thatit can be deeper than just this
physical form that we have,right, like the idea and the
essence and this light of abeing can live on.

(21:21):
And I was really strugglingwith the two halves of the
truths, because to me they arethe truths um, in a blink of an
eye, nothing in a blink of aneye, everything like it, just
nothing matters.
But everything matters.
Nothing matters in the grandscheme of things, but everything
matters on the minuscule thingthat you do in your life and how
you approach your life and theway you move things.

(21:43):
And so I was beginning to becomeso hopeless because I felt like
I was not doing enough.
I was not.
There's just so much more thatI could give, but I wasn't.
And there were spaces andplaces I could fill, but I
wasn't.
So just really hard on myselfand I called a friend of of mine

(22:05):
and I have a safety net or twothat I will call when I can't
process and I called and I justneeded to talk it out and
understand.
And you know the same things Iwould tell her and I know the
same things.
And I said the same thing tomyself my own speech, my own
thing.
But there was no way to get outof it, like I went into the,

(22:25):
into my hell, and so I turnedoff and realized that I induced
my anxiety a bit more for thenext couple of days and I was
exhausted even more.
My body started started to ache, so all the old symptoms of my

(22:45):
fight or flight were starting tocome back.
The trauma, the PTSD, wasstarting to become in full force
.
I was starting to becomeaggravated, irritable, manic
because I couldn't go to sleepat the appropriate time at the

(23:09):
appropriate time, and also very.
I could recognize when I wasstarting to shut down as far as
feeling, but just functioning inautomation.
And when I go to in automationmode, that's when my adrenaline
is taken over, that's when myyou know, the cortisol is at a
high and it's high for me, andthat's when my fight is on and
my and whether I will fight orflight, um, and, and a lot of
times too I've been in a freestate and sometimes you get all

(23:31):
three will happen at once for me.
So I, I and I won't know ornavigate, be able to navigate it
in any shape or form, and butI've, I've come to a really big
realization in these last twoweeks that I have not given
myself enough credit for theamount of work I've put into
understanding that and beingable to control it and manage it

(23:52):
, and the grace that I need togive myself, because I did take
on months of emotion, months ofprocessing humans and the things
that I do and the conversationsand then processing trauma with
human beings who are sufferingthe trauma they're suffering and
being there as a space for themto hold and and a you know just

(24:16):
just as a, as a space.
Nothing else.
I know nothing like, there'snothing I advice or any kind of
literally, I feel as I donothing, but I also understand
just how important being inone's presence is and doing
nothing but being in a presence,and so I know that, even though

(24:41):
I feel like it's nothing, it'ssomething.
And so I did that.
It was just a lot, and I didn'trecognize that I was giving,
giving, giving and notreplenishing my being as much as
I needed to through the thingsthat I needed to.
So yesterday I came.
It's Christmas Eve day today,so it's Christmas Eve day today,

(25:04):
so it's Christmas Eve.
We're right at the point where Icould completely be dissociated
from all the stuff because I'mstill in the mode of instability
.
However, I'm really consciouslychoosing to feel the
uncertainty anduncomfortableness and the

(25:25):
anxiety of it all but talkmyself through and process it.
And prime example yesterday Iwas about to go into my
behavioral pattern and when Idon't know what to do and I'm in
a panic and confused state andthat's what my dreams have been
telling me the last couple ofdays I've been confused, in a
panic state that I was going tostart to redecorate, redo my

(25:47):
whole house, redo every, justtear everything apart and start
over again.
And I had to sit myself down onthe floor and I put my hands on
the floor, sat down and I saidAdela, is it really necessary?
Do you have to re?
And then, of course, I went towell, my feng shui is off and I
don't feel like this is it Ineed to refresh and I need to.
And I really like sat there andhad two conversations and one

(26:12):
side that was having the tantrumand the need I let her have it.
And then the other that wasmore controlled and saying I
made sure that she spoke thatway, like this one, and the
other one was very much, are youkidding me?
Like, but I need to do thisbecause if I don't do this, it
just feels like I'm gonna die.
And this one was like, okay,well, it feels like you're gonna

(26:33):
die, you're not dying.
How about we just rearrangeyour space and not the whole
house, because we don't need toinfringe and take away from
everybody else that lives heretoo and take up their space too
now, because you have thisfeeling and this need to redo
everything, because you don'tknow how to live in constant

(26:54):
comfort.
So I said, okay, I cancompromise with that and that's
what I did.
So I redid my space here and Ilove it so much more.
It gave me that.
It gave me the endorphins andthe dopamine that I needed to
feel sedated and feel satisfiedin changing, rearranging and
cultivating something andcreating and curating and being

(27:16):
the artist that I am.
And then it also gave my Monicathe organization that she
needed, because I needed toorganize stuff.
I needed to put things in order.
I needed to.
There's just so because Ineeded to organize stuff, I
needed to put things in order.
I needed to.
There's just so much I neededto do for myself.
Because I was what is my shirtsays?
It says happy.
Okay, it was that happy and itwas not joyful.
I was none of that and Icouldn't again get out of it.

(27:36):
So I did that.
I rearranged, redid,restructured and felt so great.
And then I took a shower.
And because, again, my showerevery day, the moment, every day
.
This week, though I, or in thelast two weeks, I've attempted
to make sure that at leastthat's my constant ritual of
resetting my nervous system,resetting my, my whole being, in

(27:56):
no matter what time of day,whether that's at night or just
to get that conscious clarity,and it's working.
So I did that and redid my haira bit and, as you can see, I
got some color in it, so reallytook a bit care of myself
yesterday and I did a few thingsfor work that I needed to do,
but I'm also not so hard onmyself for not doing anything

(28:17):
for it either, because, at theend of the day, when I look at
my list of accomplishments andthe actions I've taken and what
I have done to get to where I'mat and the things that I am
doing and everyday steps, whileat the same time learning how to
be a human being and what itmeans to exist in this world, at
the same time processing thetrauma and the unknowns of my

(28:41):
own mind, plus living in thesocial construct of everybody's
wants, needs, requirements andexpectations, and being a mother
, and being a wife, and, and,and so the amount of labels and
the amount of things that areneeded to be done just to exist

(29:02):
in this place, in this space, isso overwhelming that I am okay
with not completing my seasonright on time, that I wanted to
this way.
But then I look at it, I'mstill on time.
I gave myself the time.
I was smarter than I gavemyself credit for.
I prepared hard and now like besmarter, prep harder.

(29:24):
Right, I was so much smarterthan I gave myself credit for.
I prepared for, for I preparedfor this week, these two weeks
it prepared for me not being ina good headspace.
At some point I didn't realizethat, and and so you have to
stop and pause and reflect andreview and see where you're at
and recognize that again, you'renot superhuman, you are not god

(29:48):
, you are not a mythicalcreature as we would all like to
think and be, and we are merehuman beings with limitations
and with capacities that wedon't even understand, what
levels are fueled at and what.
What would they're able to giveor take in?
And yet we are requiring thatof everyone else, and so taking

(30:11):
a step back, recognizing that Iam again a mere nothing, but a
mere everything to my immediatespace, my immediate existence.
Mere nothing to you, toeverything else in the world,
but mere everything to me and tomy husband, to my son, to my
home, to this structure.
That's a lot of value andthat's a lot of thankfulness

(30:35):
that you have to have, andgratefulness that you have to
have, because if not and youdon't look at it the things that
I'm seeking outside of that areliterally have nothing to do
with anything.
You don't know me, I don't.
I don't know you, you can'tgive me my daily, you know
fulfillment of my soul that myfamily does and this home does.
I can't give it to you.

(30:55):
Either we can be there ofassistance to each other or fuel
, or you know moments ofinspirations and sparks, but
that we are responsible for eachother in some shape or form or
accountable for that, like it'sjust ridiculous and I have to
remind myself I am not a hero,I'm not world savior and I'm not
anointed to do that.
It is not my job, even though Iwould like to be, as the being

(31:18):
that I am, and being like oh, Icould do it all.
I can't.
So I wanted to share somethingelse with you while we're
talking on this topic of takingthe time off and being here.
I have these.
I got these, the idea spacecards that we do at our events.
So if you're ever at an eventand see us out there, you'll get

(31:41):
to play these cards with us,and they're color coordinated,
which I love, because you know Ilike color, and they all have a
little bit of somethingdifferent.
They have the idea space, zen,life, emotion, stoicism and
mindfulness, and every once in awhile, when I feel again lost
and confused and in my inabilityto process anything in life, I

(32:02):
will take a moment and do thesecards, and I have a stack of
them that we we, you know do andplay when we're out and about,
and so I'll play with them formyself, and they're not tarot
cards or any of that stuff.
They're not none of that.
They're just little quotes andreminders of moments and things
in your life.
So, um, the lack of informationwas the one I pulled out today.

(32:23):
Uh, and that was one that, um,when it was the question, says
when was the last time youjudged someone unfairly by
jumping to conclusions?
Um, I've done that a thousandand one times.
And that's just judginganything.
It's not someone, but judginganything in life.
And criticism without creativityis just pessimism.
The honest way to critique isto create the alternative nabal

(32:46):
ravikat, ravikant, um, and it'slike provides, you know, helpful
feedback to someone today.
Well, I'm providing To createthe alternative Naval Ravikant,
and it's like provides, you know, helpful feedback to someone
today.
Well, I'm providing helpfulfeedback to myself, because I
needed to recognize that theidea space, just about ideas,
being human, means there willalways be one thing that we can
relate on, and that to me, byClement Clement.

(33:07):
I'm going to say all thesenames wrong guys.
Clement de crop, um, beinghuman, like that's our whole
thing about project human,that's what my whole thing about
.
Everything else, it doesn'tmatter about your existence as a
human being.
There's always one way that wecan relate.
Whether I like you, dislike you, whether you like me back or

(33:30):
not, whether we agree ordisagree, whether we think the
same or not.
I mean we could be it doesn'tmatter.
There's one thing that we canrelate on, it's being a human
being, and being a human beingin this world is extremely
difficult and is extremelyoverwhelming, and it is also the
most beautiful gift that wecould have ever been given.
It is also the mostexhilarating experience that it

(33:54):
is the shortest experience ofour life.
The most exhilaratingexperience of our life.
It is like the Velocicoaster atUniversal.
It is like the greatest speedcoaster roller coaster at least
in my opinion made and it'sawesome.
Um, I have been ventured outmany places, so, based on my
experience and limitedinformation, that one's the best

(34:16):
.
But it's life is like that.
It's so exhilarating for thefew seconds that you're on it,
but the weight to get there, thestruggle to get there, the, the
, the, the triumphs andtribulations you have to just to
get on that ride, the trialsand errors you have to go
through just to get on that ridecontinuously like that's part
of that.
And to me that human experienceis that ride and we can relate

(34:39):
on that.
We can be here and through thislast couple of months of again
and and this loss that I've hadand experienced, and for humans
who've reached out to me throughtheir experiences of loss and
have asked me to hold space, orI've just offered to hold space
myself, because you weresomebody I know we need to be

(35:01):
together and understand ourcapacities so that we are able
to offer these spaces and we canunderstand that loss is loss,
joy is joy.
You know, grief is grief, painis pain and we can all relate on
that.
We can all be there and we canunderstand the human side of
everything, not the logistics,not the politics, not the
ideologies, not the theories,not the conclusions, but just

(35:23):
the mere humanity.
Like we're human beings, weexist, we feel, and on that
level that's the most commonground we can have on there.
And so, as my saying goes, Idon't have conversations if
they're not human conversationsand anything else is just not
going to be.
Um, is not going to betolerated in my life.
Um, and this one's cool becauseagain it's a reminder to me it

(35:44):
says everybody wants to be partof something bigger than
themselves, but no one wants tobe themselves.
Same human with the other one,clement de Kropp.
So just those ideas.
And in my Zen space, whetherour assumptions are true or
false does not matter for theindividual shape, his or her

(36:06):
reality, in which he or sheseeks again clement de krop.
I just needed to, I need to lookhim up as a snc um, and that's
so true because right now I wasin a reality that was really
confused and hopeless and it wasnot a space that I wanted to be
and I had to take the time, Ihad to figure out what was wrong
.
I had to pause for a second.

(36:27):
I had to stop all of this.
I mean I literally had justfinished a wonderful interview
with neslia cole which you guyshave to listen to.
It's available on all thestreaming.
It's been available.
That did launch, literally justfinished it.
We launched it on the stream.
Flowers was getting ready tostart on our youtube premiere,
which will be this week on itfor her.
And then, but I could notprocess.

(36:48):
I couldn't even think of theideas or process the ideas for
being the existence of them.
I have to sneeze.
That was a sneeze, but I mutedmyself.
So, anyway, and I had to, theassumptions that were being
created in my life that life washopeless, that nothing I do

(37:09):
mattered like these creations Iwas creating were terrible.
So I had to pause, I had to domy life and I had to seek my
truth.
Confucius says it is the personthat makes truth great, not the
truth that makes the persongreat.
And so I have to figure outwhat my truth is, I have to stay
on top of it and I have tofigure out what my truth is.

(37:29):
I have to stay on top of it andI have to act upon it, and your
truth is only as true as it isthe action you take towards it.
So for me to say that I am inmy space of Zen, in my peace, in
my joy, in my vulnerable area,my understanding of really
acceptance of everything, butalso really being joyful and
light and creating spaces forthat.

(37:51):
I can't be the tantrum that Iam and I feel inside.
I can't pretend to be speakingthe truth and saying the truth
when the truth has been notacting upon it or being within
it and taking on the like fullownership role and that's what I
had to do role, and that'sthat's what I had to do.

(38:15):
So, um, emotion was a desire, isa contract you make with
yourself to be unhappy until youget what you want.
Naval Ravikant.
Uh, the desire for a positiveexperience is itself a negative
experience.
The acceptance of one'snegative experience is is itself
a positive experience, markmanson.
So for me, the desire desire isa tricky word, because my

(38:38):
desire in this life is peace.
I genuinely just desire peaceon a daily basis, and that
desire requires me to ensurethat the actions I take are
fully honest with myself.

(38:59):
What I want is for that desireto be true.
Like the desire and want canalmost be interchangeable in so
many shapes and places in yourlife, but when you really reach
for the root of your truth, likein your holy spirit world of

(39:20):
your temple, of your heart, likethe depths of your soul, soul,
the desire for absolute peacewithin the self is the greatest
contract you could make, and youwill be willing to make that
with anything and everythingthat around you can exist that
will provide you the peace youseek.
But unless you recognize andunderstand what the word peace

(39:44):
means to you and which way it'sgoing to be structured, you
can't have it.
And so I've had to reallyensure.
That's why the desire is acontract you make with yourself
to be unhappy until you get whatyou want.
I don't want that to be theresult of that.
Like I just want the desire ofpeace and joy, like there is.

(40:06):
How do I?
That's it, period, there's.
No, I don't want it to be afive minute thing, 10 minute
thing.
Like the true desire, true loveof that is endless to me.
And so when I think of the worddesire and I think of that
space, it's so much deeper thanjust a limited get what you want

(40:29):
.
Have a moment, throw it awayand almost very negative or evil
to it.
And I want to.
My desire, true desire in thiswhole existence is peace, is
genuine peace of my soul, andand I found it.
It doesn't mean it's easy andit stays the same, but I found

(40:50):
it.
It means working on it.
The blue card is stoicism.
You are what you love, not whatloves you.
Charlie Kaufman, listen, thisone is hard for me.
You are what you love, not whatloves you.
Even today, before you are whatyou love, not what loves you.

(41:15):
Even today, before I got on todo this and have this
conversation, I went through mylist of people I have to message
an email.
And then I said, oh my gosh, ifI don't message an email,
they're not gonna like meanymore.
They're gonna.
And I went into this wholeneeding to be loved by them,
need to to be accepted by them,needing to be, you know, just
seen by them, versus I genuinelylove them and that's it.
And I'm going to send themessage, I'm going to send the

(41:36):
email.
And if I don't do it today,that's okay.
I will do it and I will make itbeautiful and wonderful and out
of my heart.
But I love them and that's it,like that's the truth of it,
there out of my heart, but Ilove them and that's it, like
that's the truth of it.
There's no hidden agenda tothat.

(41:56):
But my mind will like instantlygo into they will never love me
.
I cannot be loved I could.
There's no acceptance to me, um, or or anything, if I just my
love.
My existence is based on otherpeople's love and that's a hard
one for me to still, like I said, get through, because I look at
you guys too and I go.
If I don't take, if I don'tcontinue this life, if I don't
continue doing what I'm doingand really hard work and project
human and now the podcast andnow change the world and all

(42:17):
this stuff, oh my gosh, theyhate me because I took time off
to heal myself.
Oh my gosh, they don't love meand I need your love and that's
a validation of my ego, not aredemption of my soul, and I
want to redeem my soul and mysoul is redeemed.
I am with God, I am with Jesus,so there's nothing else that's

(42:38):
needed.
What else am I seeking?
What else am I wanting?
But that doesn't mean thatagain those thoughts in that
moment isn't there.
So that stoicism card is a goodreminder for me that, um, I am
what I love, period, nothingelse, nothing more.
Uh, and mindfulness with thisone was you experience the past

(42:59):
as a thought in the present.
You experience the future as athought in the present, joseph
goldstein.
Um, think lightly of yourselfand deeply of your, of the world
.
Miyamoto musashi, let go of theself, let go of the self again.
I had to take the time off tolet go of my ego, stop seeking

(43:21):
validation, and we need to bereminded on a constant basis.
Just because we recognize itdoesn't mean it's a behavioral
part of our everyday habit orstructure.
I mean we've been taught ourwhole life to be selfish and to
think of ourselves, especiallyhere in America, and so to be
changing and retraining that ona conscious level is hard, but

(43:42):
we can do that.
And the idea that I'mexperiencing the past and the
present and the future all atonce and here in this moment,
because I thought, because ofthis versus this moment here,
that's freaking, overwhelming,and I lived there like a
thousand.
For a thousand years I livedthere and it was terrible and
terrible and terrible.
The anxiety, the can't shut thebrain off, can't stop the

(44:04):
process, can't do nothing.
It was insane, but I overcamethat.
I overcame that part, becausetoday is just about these
moments.
It's about the action I takeright now.
It's about this moment, thisconversation, this podcast.
It's about the next thing.
It's about the thing after that.
It is not about tomorrow.
It is not about whether or notyou will like this episode.
It is not about how many viewsI'll get.

(44:25):
It is not about downloads.
It is not about whether it'ssuccessful.
It is not about what like.
It is literally nothing aboutany of that except this moment.
That is an extremely hardpractice to get out of.
It took me a long time andbecause I am all about the
future, and those who know, whoknew me and know me now, will

(44:49):
vouch for the Adela thatcouldn't get past taking over
the world, winning the Oscars,being the greatest of the
greatest period.
End of discussion.
It is done to well.
That's fine and dandy, andthat's great.
Here's what's happening today.
It's really as simple as that.
That's fine and dandy andthat's great.
Here's what's happening today,it's really as simple as that.

(45:10):
That's fine and dandy andthat's great, but what's
happening today?
And I wasn't living up to thosethings at all.
I was somewhat living up tothem in certain areas, in
certain portions of it, but mydaily actions, my daily moments,
my presence, my actual today,what's happening, was not a
reflection of that.
So, having to learn for themind and the brain to be in

(45:33):
there, the best way, the onlyway I've been able to manage
that and control that, isliterally through writing things
down.
Now, yes, technology has helpedme with so many different ways
that I use it, utilize it.
However, this part right here,creating my own space, as you
can see, I even have my zencards in here too, they're taped

(45:53):
as a reminder.
These were my first picks, buthaving these reflective moments,
seeing where I'm at beingaccountable, reviewing,
reflecting my mom, like definingmy narrative about what I'm
doing on a daily basis, haschanged everything, because I've
been able to accomplish so muchmore.
And now I look at it and I seethings and I go, oh, that's easy
.
Oh, that's so much easier.

(46:14):
Oh, that's not overwhelming.
Oh, get an episode done.
Get it knocked out.
Get this done.
Get it knocked out.
Get six things done.
Get it knocked out.
Okay, got you.
How much time do I need?
Oh, what do I?
Where am I at?
Oh, that's what I've got to do?
Okay, great, I have this, Ihave this and I can rest.
Boom, checkmate done.
That is an amazing feeling,like actually being able to

(46:34):
complete things and get themdone.
It's an amazing feeling.
So I want you to understand thework that you're doing right now
.
The brain that is speaking toyou in the negative form and
that is giving you a hard time.
There's a voice within youthat's also, at the same time,
saying that's not true.
That doesn't mean that there'spart of what that voice, that

(47:00):
negative voice, is saying thereisn't some truth to it, right,
hi, balloons, how did we getthere?
Hey, that awesome Doesn't meanthere's not some truth to it.
Right, but it's not the truth.
It's not the truth of who youare.
It is not the truth of who youare.
And so when I went into myspiral two weeks ago and I went

(47:20):
into the helpless hopelessness,I went into my own prison.
I went into the dark, the dark,cold, concrete space of my
actual prison as a child.
I went in there.
I allowed all the demons tocome in and tell me how terrible
, how just in like wasted spaceI was.
I'm, I'm telling you these thisjust two weeks ago, but at the

(47:46):
same time then, while thosevoices were yelling at me and
while I was in that space and Iwas crouched in my head that way
in this, in my little room, youknow, in my prison cell, in my
little room, I was crouchedthere and all these voices are
telling me that this inner partof me was also very bright,
going no, no, no, and myshoulders were squaring back and

(48:08):
I was standing up and I wasable to walk out of that room by
myself and walk into the lightand say no.
That doesn't mean that therewasn't some truth to what they
were saying.
There was some truth that I hadto work on and I had to fix and
I'm not responsible and it's,you know, it's the I.

(48:28):
In all honesty, I'm not, youknow, I'm not anything great or
important to anybody, but I amto me and that I am to God, and
I am because I exist and breathe, and that's enough, right.
So having honest conversationswith yourself to lead you to

(48:50):
your light, to lead you throughyour path is the most important
part of any kind of therapyexercise, any kind of healing
process you could potentially do, is being honest and honest
conversation out loud withyourself.
That might be in the mirror,that might be through a podcast
like this, and whether or notyou post anything doesn't matter
.
I have a hundred thousandvideos Maybe not that many, I'm

(49:11):
over exaggerating.
I have a couple hundred videoswhere maybe one day you may or
may not seen them and they arenot pretty.
They are my process videos.
I mean I was butt, ugly gutwrenching just I don't
understand ugly gut wrenching,just what I don't understand.

(49:32):
But I needed to process it withsomeone and talk to someone,
even if it was just the phonelistening, and in turn it ended
up being I was talking to myself, I was talking to my own being,
because I needed to hear me.
I needed to hear my own cries,I needed to hear my own joys.
I needed to hear my own selfand understand myself so that I
was able to be here andaccountable for it.
It is that's not selfish,that's being honest with

(49:52):
yourself, that's takingaccountability, that's holding
yourself responsible for everyaction that you do, and it's a
beautiful, freeing thing,because then you recognize
you're not responsible oraccountable to anyone else but
yourself and to God.
Last thing that I do is I havethese mindful messages that we
pull and they're messages ofmindfulness, and so we're going

(50:12):
to pull one out for me todaybecause I need a little reminder
of my mindful message.
So I'm going to do this and I'mjust going to pull that one,
because that was the one I waspulling out, and it's like get
focused.
Okay, to attract what I want,first I get clear on what is
what it is I desire.
I envision it for a minute ormore every day, feeling how it

(50:33):
would feel to have this in mylife, what I would do, how I'd
react and who I'd tell.
I picture it all.
Through my continual alignmentwith my desires, they begin to
flow into my physical realityand divine timing.
That part is absolutely true.
Not everything that I desire oreverything I want in my life,

(50:55):
of course, is accomplished yet,but I am getting clearer and
clearer and clearer on mymission, on my vision, on my
desire, on my intention andevery day spending time and
understanding that Now I don myintention in every day, spending
time and understanding, and nowI don't do it every day.
I don't have the capacity forevery single day in my life, for
all of my visions and dreams,because, again, you're a mother,

(51:16):
you're your wife.
There's a lot of stuff you gotto do.
So, the time that I do spend, Iam very intentional in what I
want with it.
So how I want this podcast tofeel.
It took me a long time to gethere because I knew what I
wanted out of it.
I knew how I wanted to presentmyself, why I wanted to be in

(51:36):
that state.
I saw that.
I created it, I worked on it, Ibuilt it and it's here and
that's beautiful.
I felt every moment of this,this peace, the stability, the
structure.
It's beautiful.
I felt every moment of this,this peace, the stability, the
structure.
And now I'm here and for youknow my home, I did the same
thing and now I have a.
You know my downstairs.

(51:57):
I have a winter wonderland thisyear, which I'm more blessed
than ever because I have awinter wonderland.
Are you kidding me?
And so when you are actuallyfocused on your own being and
are clear and you're definingyour narrative and are writing
it every day, rewriting it andtrial and error, you are really

(52:19):
restructuring and rebuilding allof your, your, your whole being
, and it's fantastic when you dothat.
And then you come out and youchange, and then you set your
boundaries and you control theway you flow.
You control how fast you go,you control how slow, you
control how high and how low Nothere to rhyme, but it's just

(52:40):
what it is but you control it.
You are part of that destinynow of your life, versus someone
else being a part of it.
You are the thing that createsevery bit of that.
So, with it being a new year,with it coming to the end, and
this holiday season and all theother good stuff in between and

(53:02):
bad stuff and everything elsethat's happening, I really would
like for you to take away withthe idea.
I think the greatest one isthat you create the desired
reality.
You are the one that if youwant the joy in your life, you
have to create it.
If you want to live incontinued unhappiness, you are

(53:23):
contributing to it one way oranother.
And even if your intentions inwhat you're doing and how you're
accomplishing things are goodand are for helping others, the
creation of your own demise isnot, and you have to adjust that
and you have to reevaluate thatand that's something I really
had.
I've learned through this,through this organization,
through this process, becauseI've had to recognize that what

(53:46):
cost am I willing to be thesavior?
At what cost am I willing to bethe hero and at what cost am I
willing to just be a human beingand exist?
And I've had to recognize thathero and savior are not any kind
of price I want to pay, like Idon't want to be in the
department, but being a humanbeing and being here, there's a

(54:10):
lot to process, there's a lot todo, there's a lot to experience
, there's a lot of cost toexisting and I have yet to pay
my dues.
I have yet to say my thanks, Ihave yet to say my gratitudes
and my greatness for the factthat I'm merely even existing

(54:30):
and still continue to experiencethis experience.
So, if you were still here atthe end of this 2024 year, in
this Christmas season and yes,you have experienced loss, yes,
you've experienced desperatepain and demise of human life on
a scale that we can't imagineAt the same time, be very

(54:54):
grateful that you are existingand getting to experience all of
it, because that means that youare in a position to change and
do something about it.
It doesn't matter how big, itdoesn't matter how small, it
doesn't matter where, it doesn'tmatter when.
Just the mere fact that youexist and have like that, that

(55:17):
part, means that you have thecapacity, the ability, the
potential to create and changerealities, not just your own,
but all across the world, thatmoment, your mere existence.
So I want to leave you off withone more thing before I go, and

(55:38):
I want to take you to our againreminder to call your road rager
assistance for the 347.
Start 347 if you need it.
But I wanted to take you to ourspace right here and remind you
to go to our website, check itout Thinking P-H-I-N-C-I-N-Gorg,

(55:59):
thinkingorg Advocate, informand educate.
Let's all do it together.
Let's become one, let's unite,let's create bridges where we
see they're needed and with theresources we have, let's just do
it.
Let's hope out where we can, inthe best way we can with the
resources and capacitiesavailable to us.

(56:20):
We want to thank everybody whohas donated to our organization
so far.
This year we're actually goingto be having a honor wall coming
up and an honor page with alist of names and a list of
humans in honor of those whothey've made donations to our,
to our organization, to be ableto continue, advocate, inform
and educate human beings on theimportance of their existence

(56:41):
and to help them find theresources that they need to
continue that existence.
So go check us out Again.
If you can make a donation, adollar will help.
If you can't make a donation,that's okay too.
Just share it.
Share with somebody else duringthis christmas season, this
holiday season.
They might be able to.
You never know.
And I have no shame in askinganymore.
Okay, look at this.

(57:01):
Adela's grown up.
I have been there is no shame.
And because, again, I know mydesire, I know my I, I know what
I want out of it.
Now it's not a mere hey, donate, help me out.
I don't know what I'm doingwith it.
No, I know exactly where andwhat we got to do, how to do it,
what we.
It's just it took a while, butI figured it out and we're
getting there.
The way I want you to start tofigure out how you're going to

(57:23):
get there and how you're goingto change your way, your life,
your ways, is literally bychanging the narrative and
redefining it.
Change the food that you'retaking in.
Change, change your diet,change your diet in your food,
change your diet in yourlistening, change your diet in
your speaking, change your dietin your life okay, in every
aspect of it.
The one way that I started wasthrough books.

(57:44):
I love audiobooks, I lovereading.
I don't have the time to readall the time now anymore.
I do have the time.
I'm not making the time.
However, I'm making time fromone book, and one book only, and
that's a book I must read everyday and I'm God's helping me
work through that too, but we'reworking on it, um, but I do

(58:06):
listen to audiobooks, a lot ofthem, and here's a few of them
where you guys can get startedliterally right away.
You have two years, two moreweeks, two years, two more weeks
well, not two more weeks, but aweek left in this year that you
can literally start changingand making changes in your
narrative and in yourperspective and shifting.
You can pause, you can shift,you can act on your life in a

(58:29):
different form just by startingto listen to some audiobooks.
So, on our Project Human if yougo to our Project Human page on
YouTube and subscribe, please,because that would be helpful
Hit that subscribe button.
You will find our books forchange and I'll actually add the
link into this podcast episodeso you can click on that too.
But books for change and inhere you can start literally

(58:51):
listening to audiobooks are freeaudiobooks.
I've bought the books after I'velistened to them, like I've
bought the books I have.
About almost all of these booksI've spent the money afterwards
because I wanted to go backthen and reread them and find
notes and redo some things thatyou know in audio versions you
don't necessarily are able to do.
So I recommend you go take alook at um.

(59:12):
Theage to be Disliked is afantastic book.
I actually bought three copies.
I sent two copies out through abook thing that we were doing
and there's another book to theCourage to be Happy.
Both of them I've read, both ofthem I have copies of, and both
of them fantastic, and they'rebooks about a teacher and a

(59:35):
student conversation andconversations about life and
different perspectives andquestions and how to look at
something and just conversationsreally cool ways of doing that,
and so I definitely encourageyou to take a moment and listen
to that.
Okay, and just again, you willlove it.
I really believe you will loveit and if not, you can tell me

(59:55):
adela terrible, but take achance on it.
The other one that changed mylife is inner engineering by uh,
sad guru, and this one is a is.
I have listened to it threetimes now.
I am about to be in thebeginning of the new year
re-listening to it, becausethere's always tidbits in there

(01:00:16):
that I can relate to and find.
Sadhguru has been a hugeinspiration to me in his
teachings, in his approach tolife, in his spirituality, in
his existence, and my deepestdesire is to get to the level of
peace and serenity that he hasfound in divinity.
With that, and whether or not Iachieve that, how I achieve

(01:00:38):
that, I don't know yet, or maybeI have in my own way in some
shape or form, and I need tocontinue to practice it and
continue to dwell in that.
But his teachings haveabsolutely changed my
perspective, and so I encourageyou to listen to that.
One absolutely changed my, myperspective, and so I encourage
you to listen to that one.
Even if you don't start withanything else, I really believe

(01:00:58):
that inner engineering is is theone for you to start with,
because it will talk about how,the way you're built inside, the
reflection to the outside andreality and how it all
interchanges and how it allinterplays and the again,
analogies and and and um uh, uh,I just lost the word.

(01:01:19):
Metaphors there we go are aremy way of being really able to
associate and understand thislife, and he does a really great
job and his voice is sosoothing.
I genuinely hope one day I canget to that level of
soothingness in that.

(01:01:40):
So let me know if I am workingon it as we move along the
seasons in life, master yourEmotions.
It is a really great one.
Short listen, a great littletidbit of information that you
can learn about your emotions.
Meet your Happy Chemicals.
I actually got the book.
I have notes in this book.

(01:02:01):
I have listened to this bookthree times because when I
started to really understand mychemicals like what chemicals
are in my brain and how they allwork, and just in a human
general brain and then apply itto myself and I understood where
again, what my dopamine doesfor me, what my serotonin does
for me and what the cola, whatmy cortisol does for me and how

(01:02:25):
I need to play with them, andthat they are characters of
their own in my own head andthat they need their own, like
different diets and differentform of treatment in order for
me to function.
It changed everything on how Istarted perceiving and existing
in this life.
The Art of Thinking clearly isan extremely.

(01:02:46):
I enjoyed this book quite a bit.
To be honest, I've listened toit twice.
I think I will re-listen to itagain in the coming new year as
one of my re-listens.
Um, because it is.
It has a different way of whenyou listen to it and it talks
about how to think and howthere's an art to thinking right

(01:03:10):
, there's a there's, there'sthere's a process and there's a
way to understand your thoughts.
And for me, somebody who's acreative and who likes to draw
up things about her life orherself and these ideas and how
her brain works, it was reallycool to see how I could

(01:03:31):
creatively be able to use mybrain and use the way I think
and the way other people processand apply it to my life right,
and to interchange it with how Iam going to move forward.
So, anyway, it was a reallycool book.
I think you should absolutelylisten to it and it'll

(01:03:51):
absolutely be a joy.
The Power of Now was.
I listened to it and, um, it'llabsolutely be a joy.
Uh, the power of now was.
I listened to it about eightyears ago.
It was the first book thatstarted to teach me about
presence, like being in themoment, about being here.
There is a part in the bookwhere, um, where Eckhart talks

(01:04:13):
about like, actually does like aguided exercise with you and
asks you to do some stuff.
And I remember clearly his day,that day, because it was such a
conscious like separation ofreality and myself, and I
remember I was cleaning theglass window and doing or glass,
whatever I was cleaning anddoing it, and I was listening to

(01:04:34):
this while I was doing it.
And I remember I was cleaningthe glass window and doing or
glass, whatever I was cleaningand doing it, and I was
listening to this while I wasdoing it and I did it.
I did this process and with myhand and I could see the air
between my hand.
I could see like thedimensional because I was
focusing.
It was a really cool, neatexperience.
Excuse me, I think you should doit.
I think you should listen.
Excuse me, I think you shoulddo it.

(01:04:54):
I think you should listen to itbecause if you could do that
and start to recognize your,your, your existence in this
plane and this world and thisphysical space and this energy
space and all.
It's really really cool and howyou start to connect your body
and your mind.
So I listened about eight yearsago.
I think it's an extremelypowerful book and his teachings
are extremely, you know,powerful to this day because I

(01:05:17):
still listen to his.
He says morning uh, you know 15minute little videos that you
guys can go and find him too.
So definitely that power ofconcentration awesome little
audiobook again, short read uh,the power of your subconscious
mind was really good it it.
I learned quite a bit of that.
So it is an older listen, so bepatient with some of the way

(01:05:41):
that they approach the narrative, but there's a lot of tidbits
of lessons in there.
Awakened Imagination is a greatone too.
Training the Mind, healing theBody this one is insanely great.
I have to actually get througha second part of it too, because
it's quite complex and there'sa lot of things to listen to,

(01:06:04):
but it's awesome.
Brain rules this was a fun one.
Short and fun.
Manipulation.
Actually.
This one I am still learningthrough, or reading through
because of the person who isspeaking it.
I think there's an accent inthere and there's multiple of

(01:06:24):
them, so that one's a little bithard to still get through.
However, I have learned quite abit of that information through
this book, so if you're goingto beat me through it, awesome.
And then there's a couple moreones in there.
Alfred adler is somebody youwill start to hear me talk about
a lot because he is one of myteachers in this healing process

(01:06:49):
that I'm going.
He is one of the foundingfounders of psychology, but in a
holistic approach and in adifferent, more logical um
understanding of it, and so he'snot really regarded as as much
in the um collegiate level forfor the work that he's done, but
on a ground, human level, likehe is my guy to go to.

(01:07:13):
So I definitely recommend that.
Um, the art of war obviously,if you haven't listened to that,
it's a short one.
It's really a good always agood lesson.
Read communicate, the art ofcommunicating.
That was a good one too.
Um, chronic fatigue was a goodbook for me to listen to and
read about, because um justunderstanding what it means to
be overly exhausted and the whatcan play a role in the fatigue

(01:07:35):
of your existence right too.
That was insightful, justbecause now I learned that I
need to rest more in differentways, not rest just sleep, but
different ways of rest.
So definitely listen to that.
And then Atomic Habits,fantastic books.
So, anyway, I want you to gothrough that.

(01:07:55):
I do, I want you to.
My hope is for you to startlistening to some of these,
start seeing that, um, you havethe capacity for change.
It may take some time becauseyou're learning yourself now and
you are unlearning things andyou're navigating ways that you
may have may have not navigatedbefore, and you know.

(01:08:17):
I want you to recognize thatthat's okay and this year, this
coming year, really recognizethat you are worthy of walking
these steps, putting these hoursof education into yourself and
into literally taking in foodthat feels, fuels and feeds your

(01:08:37):
soul and your mind.
Not just junk food, as we'retalking about, like health in
general right, not just junkfood, but but actually taking in
the food of the soul, the foodof the mind.
Um, you may need to change yourmusic.
Taste a bit and go on a searchfor that.

(01:08:57):
I've had to.
The music I used to listen tothat brought me so much joy or
so much inspiration andmotivation, really brings me on
ease now, and I've had to find anew whole way of new.
Music is my life.
Music is my life, but I've hadto find a whole new words.
Music is my life but I've hadto find a whole new words, new
language and new way.
Just new food of it, becausethe old food that I have I've

(01:09:22):
lost interest in.
And same thing for, you know,books oh, that's my doggy over
there Distraction.
Same thing for my books, samething for conversations, same
thing for the way I interact,like it just changed the way you
feed yourself.
And if you want joy, if you wanthappiness, if you want to

(01:09:44):
change the reality you live in,if you want structure, if you
want peace, these are all wordsthat you have to define what
they mean to you.
And stability, what does thatmean to you?
Is it just stability in youremotional space, in your mental
and health?
Is it financial stability?
Is it family stability, homestructure, like?
What stability do you need?

(01:10:05):
And once you start to recognizethat, you can start working on
that.
But it always starts within you.
What is it within you that'sunstable?
Because if you cannot, if youcannot recognize, always starts
within you.
What is it within you that'sunstable?
Because if you cannot, if youcannot recognize the instability
within you, and something thatjust popped in my head that I
started telling my husbandyesterday the instability will

(01:10:26):
cause you to be an uncivilizedbeing, and an uncivilized being
is going to demonstrate his orher inability to communicate or
interact with their socialsurroundings or their
environment or their home, orany of that, in the appropriate

(01:10:48):
way that they desire or we alldesire, because, well, they're
not civilized and they're notcivilized within.
There's some kind of turmoilthat's happening, there's some
kind of war within yourselfthat's happening, and then
everybody else is a casualty.
And one of the things yesterdaythat I recognized in my
two-week span of being anuncivilized being was that I let

(01:11:11):
my house go.
Of course, let's be real moms,okay, moms and wives, and for
those daddies and, you know,boys who do the girl jobs, kudos
, congratulations.
But let's be real mommies.
If it's you don't do it, itdoesn't get done.
And so things were everywhere,of course, and stuff was just
everywhere.
Not that I wasn't the cause ofit either, I was a cause of it

(01:11:32):
all too, and so I started.
You know, laundry's all overthe floor, gift wrapping things
are everywhere, toys areeverywhere.
My just things are uncivilized.
And so I walked in the roomyesterday and I cleaned up my
space and it came back toorganization and civilized and
that was the word that came outof my mouth.
I was like I feel civilizedagain, I feel like I can reenter

(01:11:55):
society, I feel like I am acivil being.
And my husband was like allbecause you cleaned your room, I
said yes, and then I showed thebathroom and our closet and it
was a disaster.
Okay, it was a disaster and Iwas like that is what an
uncivilized being lives like andthis is what a civilized being
lives like.
I cannot live like anuncivilized being.

(01:12:16):
So if I'm offending anybodyplease, it's not meant for any
of you in any way.
This is for me, and so Ilearned that my way, when I
start to spiral and the way thatI'm going to put myself back
into check, is that when shitgoes out of place everywhere,
I'm uncivilized and I can't likeit's just everywhere.
I need to get back to civil like.
I need to be a civil beingclean, organized, put together,

(01:12:42):
structured, civil.
Civil like.
It just makes sense to me andif it doesn't make sense to you,
I'm sorry, but it makes senseto me civil.
So, as an uncivilized being forthe last two weeks.
Um, I did not like it, I wasnot, it was not nice, it was not
, I did none of it.
Um, now that I'm back into thatand I'm civil and I feel good,

(01:13:04):
everything is organized,everything's clean, things are
put back together, I'm clean,it's all.
Yay, um, joy, joy to the world,so you can do it.
My point is you can do it andit's okay to have those moments,
it's okay to go through thosespells, it's okay to be on the
roller coaster, like that isliterally what life is.

(01:13:25):
And if you can make the rollercoaster, if you want it to be a
big roller coaster and crazy,like that's awesome.
I am at a point where my bodycan't handle that.
My neck hurts a little too much, my head, I get a headache, I
get nauseous.
There's just a lot of thingshappening in my old age.
So I'd like my roller coasterto start kind of slowing down
and being a little more of awave, you know, and just a

(01:13:45):
little bit of a, not too much,not too much acceleration, just
enough.
And and that's okay, likethat's a, that's, that's good.
And if you can find a constant,so that dip is a little bit
okay, but that constant and andyou can make it a, a good wave
of it, yay, you're winning.
You are winning.
It's not perfect, life is notperfect, but if you can make it

(01:14:07):
one day joyful at a time, morejoyful than it was yesterday, a
little better than it wasyesterday, and just remind
yourself that you're doing thebest you can, it's all good.
We're winning.
So that's my message.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
I hope that you enjoy, I hopeyou enjoyed the season.
Like I said, it has been a roadto resilience for real, not just

(01:14:28):
in it's, in my coming to it anddoing it, but it's been a road
to resilience in my whole life,in accepting my own being and
accepting my humanity andunderstanding it and finding it
like gosh, it was not there, Ididn't even know it existed, I
didn't even know what humanmeant.
And now that I I do and I'mhere, um, and, and and they're

(01:14:52):
brought, brought to god,honestly, like, brought to that
and reading, reading my, thebible now, and being reading the
word on, and, like I saidearlier, I understand now every
trial and tribulation that's ledme here and to literally not
have a mark on me in my life,life to be so blessed and

(01:15:14):
protected in all the ways.
How can I be not be grateful,despite the pain I may feel,
despite the tragedies that arehappening, or despite all of
that?
I feel it, I am with it, I prayfor the ending of it, but I'm
also so, so, so, so gratefulthat I even get to experience it

(01:15:35):
all, that I get to experiencethe joy of it all, the beauty of
it all.
So it's overwhelming, it'stremendous, it's wow, but it's
fantastic.
I want you to know that you arelike that too.
As a being.
You are fantastic, you arewonderful, you are overwhelming,

(01:15:59):
you are greatness, you are justexuberance and energy that
cannot be contained, should notbe contained but must be tamed.
Right, you don't have tocontain it, but you must tame it

(01:16:19):
.
So I wish you nothing but thebest of the holidays this season
.
I wish you joy and love andhealth and prosperity.
I wish you peace, structure andstability, and I wish that you
find your worth.
I hope that through my words,through God's words, through

(01:16:42):
your own understanding,intuition and your own belief,
you see your own value.
That's literally my wish foryou.
I love you so much.
I thank you for following me.
I thank you for loving me.
I thank you for all of thegreat things that you've done
this season this year and willcontinue to do.
Don't give up, okay?

(01:17:03):
Do not give up.
Do not give up.
If you need any help, rememberto reach out to 988.
It is your go-to right now.
Instant will be helpful.
Somebody is there of service Ifyou need immediate assistance,
or is there of service if youneed immediate assistance, of
service.
Or call 911 if you needimmediate like immediate,
immediate assistance.
Um, or reach out to us and sendus your story.
Share with us where you're atand I will respond to you myself

(01:17:26):
too, and we'll share ourmoments of where we're at.
Because, remember, there's onething we can relate on, no
matter where we're at in theworld, is that we're human
beings and we all experience anemotion.
We all experience this lifetogether one way or another, in
all different perspective,shapes and sizes, and and we
should all be able to cometogether and share them in one

(01:17:46):
way or another and understandthat, again, as a human, we're
all here to do that.
So I love you, happy holidays,merry christmas and I will see
you next week.