The Power of Reflection

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Adela (00:06):
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Friends, it has been a weeksince you've heard me actually,
or if you listen to me, and youlisten religiously and are a
devout follower now.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate you.
Welcome to the Artist WithinPodcast.
I am your host for season one,the Road to Resilience, adela
Hattel, and this podcast isproduced, sponsored by and

(00:27):
brought to you by Think, a NewWay to Think about Mental and
Emotional Health, and ourmission is to bridge the gap
between mental and emotionalhealth, and so the way we do
that is through communication,education, advocacy and
information, as well as tangibleaction or tangible expression,
and one of our ways that we'redoing that is through this
podcast.
Our podcast is a source ofinformation, is a source of

(00:49):
education, as well as a sourceof advocacy and a creative
expression, not only for you asa listener, but also for myself,
because I need to create.
Creativity is creating, is mylife Like, it's my passion, it's
everything about my existence,and I can't wait to talk to you
about that today.
So, before we get into it, Iwant to give a shout out to

(01:12):
everybody who's followed us.
I want to give a shout out toeverybody who's gotten us to 275
downloads.
Can you freaking believe it?
270, 75 downloads.
And I also have this, um, greenthumb or not.
Green thumb, orange thumb, Idon't know my colors guys.
Well, it's more coral than itis orange.

(01:32):
It's a coral.
It matches almost every,matches everything in my, on me.
If you're watching, you justsaw me match, color match
everything to myself, because Ijust did.
And if you're listening, well,I just color match everything to
myself because I just did.
And if you're listening, well,I just color matched everything
to myself because I did.
But anyway, I decided yesterdaythat I was going to drill

(01:53):
myself because I am.
It is the holiday season, it'sthe week before Thanksgiving and
this year I decided that I wasgoing to really be joyful,
really go into the spirit of theholidays and really bring forth
the Holy Spirit of life and joyand just abundance of breath,
right and freshness andexistence.

(02:15):
And I wanted to be reallyinspiring, really motivating,
and so I decided to startworking on my own home and my
own self early this year.
I've been traveling, I've had,I've been a little bit under the
weather, I'm a full-time mom,I'm a wife, I do all of this.
So, plus, I create and and Ijust there's so many aspects to

(02:37):
my one being there really isn'tenough time for all that I do
and, I know, tells me everyonein the world the best of the
best, the brightest of thebrightest.
I have been coached by some ofthe best people on this planet,
honestly, and I have been putinto positions where, if I were
to only decide on one thing inmy life, I would be skyrocketing

(03:01):
to the ends of the earth.
I have something in my eye now.
Ow, that just happened.
Ow, ow, ow.
Ladies, do you know, like whenan eyelash or maybe a piece of
mascara or a piece of hair getsin the eye and then you just
don't know what to do about it?
Yeah, and I also have a noseitch that won't stop itching.
Anyway, I've got a lot ofproblems today from a screwed

(03:27):
thumb because I was drilling ascrew up in my deck thing and
then it slipped and it drilledinto me.
I wasn't holding the screw,guys, I was really being safe.
Yesterday was a day okay,really quick yesterday, no
matter how hard, and I tried tobe safe and I tried to be good,
I tried to be all that stuff.
I was not.
I got screwed Not only by myown screwdriver by myself.

(03:50):
No thumbs up to you.
But I also got screwed bygetting a ticket.
I got a speeding ticket.
You guys, I know I haven't hada speeding ticket in over a
decade.
I have not been in trouble withanything.
I have been square, as squareas can be and as whatever you
want to call it.
And yesterday, because I decidedthat I was going to pass people

(04:16):
and do what everybody does Imean, I've literally seen my
husband do it in the car, I'veseen everybody do it.
And then when I went to do itand speed around the slow people
, I get clocked and get pulledover.
And here's the funny part,right?
So the funny part is that Ididn't even know that the popo
was for me.
I did my thing, like I was inthe fast lane and I was.

(04:39):
I was going 73 and the peoplein front of me, like you just
tell when, like you get closeenough that they're going to be
slow, you have to brake orwhatever.
So I decided I was just gonnazoom right around them.
Well, when I zoom right aroundthem, there was a car, cop, car
sitting in a ditch underneaththe overpass on the expressway

(05:02):
um over here by Normandy,normandy and Chaffee over that
way Oakley area, and sittingthere and again I go and I'm brr
.
And then, like I don't know, 10, 15 seconds later, like it was
that fast Behind me, the lightsare going brr, and I'm like, oh
shoot, he's got to go somewhere,let me get over.
So I speed up and get over andhe gets right over to me and I

(05:22):
was like, what is he doing?
I'm trying to give him spaceand I keep going.
And then I realized that he'strying to pull me over.
So I pull over.
And then he was like do youknow?
Do you know why I pulled you?
I was like actually I don't.
He's like do you know how fastyou were going?
I was like just now.

(05:45):
He's like I'm so sorry, I donothing but cost you money.
That's all I do.
It's all I'm good for is tospend your money, and it was
really not an intention.
So anyway, yesterday was a dayof so much.
I fell off a ladder.
Also, I ran into a wall, got aticket, screwed myself.
Some days are just like that,you myself.

(06:06):
Some days are just like that,you guys.
Some days are just like that,and some days when they are like
that and everything around youis going against you.
Literally your own existence,your own body is going against
you and you want to quit.
You should probably quit.
You should probably go to sleepfor the day because you might
end up getting a ticket orsomething worse at the end of
the day.
I really just was like I shouldgo to sleep for the day because
you might end up getting aticket or something worse at the

(06:26):
end of the day.
I really just was like I shouldgo to sleep and I was like, no,
I'm gonna persevere throughthis.
No, I am going to win.
I can do this.
$129 later and a school forpoints I have to go take and
hope my insurance doesn't go upbecause of my bad decisions.

(06:48):
Wanting to do the thing thateverybody does.
That's what happens when you'rea follower of everybody.
Okay, here is a prime exampleof why you should lead yourself
and not follow anyone else,except if I need you to help me
for some stuff, I need you tofollow me Like that's needed,
right.
Like I need you to help me forsome stuff, I need you to follow
me like that's that's needed,right.
Like I need you to follow meanyway.

(07:10):
So there was that, before I getinto my creativity tantrum and
my actual topics of the daytoday, I thought I should share
with you my day of yesterday.
My day of today is great so far.
I got up, worked out.
I realized I was not workingout in the morning.
I don't even know when Istopped.
Honestly, I don't even knowwhen I stopped stretching, but I
stopped a while ago, it seemslike.

(07:31):
And so this morning I got backinto my routine of that.
I did my stretches, I did myself-care, I did my moments and
I feel a lot better and I'mmoving forward.
There.
Moving forward, there's no rush, there's not a feeling of of
anxiety and and stress.
It just is, and I'm movingforward.
And that is the part that I'velearned in my life.

(07:52):
Anxiety is the devil.
Okay, stress is the devil.
I'm not saying we can't have alittle bit of the devil here and
there because it's around usall the time, right, but I'm
just saying that it is the devil.
It really sucks the life out ofyou, the soul out of you, the
joy out of you, your being, yourexistence.
And so every time I begin,start to become anxious,

(08:15):
nowadays I just turn and I say alittle prayer and I remind
myself that it's not.
I'm not an anxious person, Idon't need the anxiety like I'm
okay, I'm here and I moveforward.
And's not.
I'm not an anxious person, Idon't need the anxiety Like I'm
okay, I'm here and I moveforward.
And yesterday, now that I'mthinking about it, it was
anxiety written which I did nottake the time and the initiative
to pause for a minute and prayand give myself that space that

(08:39):
I needed to reconnect with mybody, my mind and my soul.
And I did not take the time torecognize that I was allowing so
much of other energies andforces to affect me.
Because, again, my house is ina disarray right now.
My space of normalcy that Inormally have is in a disarray,

(09:02):
and it's my fault because I'mredoing it.
My work is in a bit of adisarray because I've taken it's
the holidays and time I takeoff.
During holidays I put things onpause.
And not only that.
Life has happened.
I've lost a friend, I've lost ateam member.
I've had to figure out andnavigate through that and and
it's not over yet I go into hiscelebration of life this coming

(09:26):
weekend and navigating thatright.
So there's just so muchhappening in life and I sat
there and even yesterday, lastnight, I was so hard on myself
about the whole thing, abouteverything.
You know you did nothing.
Right today, adela, you cost somuch money.
I can't believe you got this.
Your husband's trying so hardto do some things right now and

(09:48):
you're not really really good.
Your anxiety is this your that,like I really was just in such
a blame and judge game that Icouldn't get past.
I couldn't get past it.
I could not move forward.
I felt so terrible and I didn'tshow myself grace.
And that's move forward.
I felt so terrible and I didn'tshow myself grace and that's
the part of showing yourselfgrace.

(10:08):
Like you're allowed to makemistakes, you're allowed to be
imperfect, you're allowed to notbe the best and the most
achieving.
My whole life I've been the most, the highest achiever of my
whole.
Like the highest achiever Ipotentially could be, and me
being perfect for everyone else,me being the highest and the

(10:31):
best of the best for everyoneelse sucked the life out of me
and got to the point where itkilled, almost killed, me, and
so now, if I'm not the best ofthe best for myself, if I'm not
the most accomplished for myselfit, I fall into the trap of
thinking that everyone else isgoing to look at me as a failure

(10:55):
and I fall into the trap ofthinking that everyone else is
judging me because I did not dothe things that I said I would
do at the time that I said Iwould do, or that I didn't
accomplish them as fast or asgreat or as whatever, um, or
that the judgment of others likeI take it on myself when I fall

(11:15):
into that space and I have toremind myself again that daily,
that I'm genuinely happy today,like the pace I'm moving forward
in slowing down in my life, I'mtelling happy today, like the
pace I'm moving forward inSlowing down in my life.
I'm telling you, adela was thebullet train for four years ago.
You couldn't stop me.

(11:36):
You couldn't stop me fromachieving anything I wanted to
achieve, but it was literally atthe cost of myself.
And the reason I'm bringingthat up is because it'll go
straight into the conversationwe're gonna have.
I think that'll be.
That's gonna be great.
I want to bring up this pictureof me that I have for those of

(11:57):
you who are on here right now tosee it and you're looking.
So this picture right here,this being.
This was 2015 and I actuallyhave my timelines so confused

(12:22):
because I thought it was 2016that I attempted my suicide.
It was not.
It was in 2015, because it wasI.
The reason why I say this and Iknow that for a fact is because
this picture was taken in 2015.
This was a couple of days maybe, or maybe a week or two, after
my attempt.
I had gone dark, I had goneinto this place and everybody

(12:46):
nobody knew.
Nobody around me knew, yetnobody was even aware of what
was happening.
And this being that I'm lookingat right now.
I remember this because thisbeing right here is the being
that I look at this picture andI posted it on social media.
It was on my profile picturesand this I was still not out of
the woods, right?

(13:07):
I still in this, in this beingspace in her mind the guilt, the
shame that I was feeling fromwhat I was trying to do then,
the inadequacy than the absolutehatred towards myself that I

(13:28):
had.
When I say hatred, I meanhatred.
I hated my existence.
I hated every fiber of myself.
It was so deep in my bones.
Everybody's thoughts of me,everybody's thoughts of me,
everybody's ideas of me,everybody's stories, everybody's

(13:50):
life, and I mean everybody inmy vicinity.
It's my mother, my father, mybrother, my sister, my friends,
my husband, my son, myeverything, including me.
Everything within the vicinitywas placed upon this being since
child, since she was a child,and she's taken it on and taking
it on.
Taking it on, she survived awar.

(14:12):
She's come to the United States, she's put this on and she
thought she had one thing in herlife that was just really one
thing she could hold on to, andit was the word positive.
And the word negative nevercame to her mind, like it never
came to my mind that way.
And when it was said topositive and the word negative
never came to her mind, like itnever came to my mind that way.
And when it was said to me andwas put into the hey, you're a
negative being.
And I'll never forget when Itook this picture and I looked

(14:34):
at it, I could see my ownsadness, I could see all of that
and I was like this will be mylast picture.
I remember taking this pictureand I said at least people will
think I was good, at leastpeople will think I was happy,
at least people will think thatthey'll ask the question, but
how, at least they'll see thenand when I this picture will.

(15:03):
For because about two, threeyears later, when I saw that
picture again, those thoughts,those moments were so, those
feelings were so real that, hadit not been for my son and my
like, my son's attunement to mehe four fucking years old, part

(15:24):
of my french, but to put thatresponsibility on my child as a
grown adult, not realizing thatI was a child myself, I was
literally a five-year-old childwithin that body, within that
space, that picture I'm lookingat right there, you're seeing on
that screen, that is in thatmind, that is literally a
five-year-old, stuck in her own,like she has no concept of

(15:45):
what's going on in this world.
I had no idea what was going onin this world.
That was eight years ago.
I had no.
Nine years ago now.
I had no understanding, noconcept of existence of my body
right of my breath, of my bodyright Of my breath, of my
nothing.

(16:05):
But I look at this picture and Itoday I would never put this
picture up and say this is agood picture, like I know the
signs on this face now.
I know the lines, I see the, Isee the corner smile.
It's literally a corner smile.
The sadness in her, in my eyes,right there, literally the
despair, how I'm so curled ininto a fetal position I just

(16:26):
want to be hidden away.
Everything in my body language,right there, says that I am not
okay, even though I am apicture, perfect picture.
But I'm not okay and I wantedto share that with you because
I'm, when I look back on thisphoto, like I'm reminded of the
subtle signs we all leave behindwhen we're not doing okay.

(16:47):
I'm reminded of the way that Idid those subtle signs.
I'm reminded of the way that Iwould test my surroundings, my
environment, my beings.
I would test how far they wouldhear me or how loudly they
would hear me, or whether theywould hear me or not.

(17:08):
I would test whether they wouldsee me or they would not see me
, or they would miss me or notmiss me.
I tested, I tested those aroundme.
And when we're talking aboutagain, I, a professional not at
all, not in any shape or formhave no, nothing but lived

(17:29):
experience in my uh toolkit here, being on that side, on the
dark side of existence, versuson the light side that I'm at
today and where I'm at right now, like you could, literally,
literally, the images arebipolar opposites.
It's it's night and day.
I was living in my darkness inmy cell, and I say that too

(17:50):
because two years ago maybe twoyears ago I'll have to call my
friend and ask her but I had abreakdown, again slight
breakdown, where I pulled myhair up and I gave my husband
scissors and I was like chop it.
This is a professionalhairstylist here.
I do have professionalexperience of that.
I am a professional licensedcosmetologist and that, and I

(18:11):
get to tell you that, don't dothat, don't do that.
It is a piece of advice.
I'm telling you don't do that.
And husbands, significant others, if your being is like, hey, I
want you to justch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch okay, um,
sometimes sometimes, sure, okay,if you really must sometimes.
But if you can divert and takethe scissors away, that would be
great.
That would be great, becausethe regret they have afterwards

(18:35):
and just chopping off their hairis is immense.
So you know, when somebody isin space, just take away sharp
objects from them.
So that was was my thing andabout, like I said, a year and a
half ago, two years ago now, myhair is long, I just don't put
it down, but I decided I wasgoing to put it up to here and
shop just like this, because Icouldn't.

(18:56):
I went into that space.
I went into actually I wasn'treally out of my jail cell, I'll
tell you that because I went tosee my friend to the salon that
I hadn't been in a while and wesat there and talked and I was
telling her because she's areally good friend of mine and
me and her, you know, we talkedsome depths and as I sat in her
chair I was like I just I needto say this out loud I'm stuck
in my mind.
Like in my mind, my mind is aprison cell, my mind is, and I

(19:20):
see the door, I'm so close but Idon't know how to get out of it
because it's too bright, it'sso bright out there.
I've lived in such darkness mywhole life, like my whole soul
has been filled with darknessthat opening up a window,
opening up the curtains, openingup anything, is like that right
, like super hissing sound of abeing and I that's how I felt in

(19:44):
there Anything I would go outlike and you can even see it in
my face Like you could see that,yes, there's filter on that,
yes, there's all that.
But you could see that I didn'teven have color in my being.
Like my being was, had no life.
It had no life at all.
All it had was this idea that Iwas supposed to be perfect be a
mother, be a wife, be anaccomplished businesswoman or

(20:08):
career woman, be a great childand a daughter and a sister, and
be and be and be and be.
And the amount of labels andthe amount of jobs that you have
to be for someone, be a friend,be a partner, be like I'm
talking like, and you don't evenknow how to be as your own

(20:33):
being in existence.
You don't even know what the beof being is.
It can literally suffocate youand that's what happened to me.
Right, that literally happenedto me.
I drowned in my own lifebecause I didn't know my own
life.
I didn't know who I was.
I had no idea who I was.
I didn't reflect, I didn't takeaccountability, I didn't take

(20:55):
responsibility.
I avoided especially those twowords accountability,
responsibility of my own self,like a plague.
Oh, my gosh, that person thatbeing right there on your screen
.
If she, if you were, said youneed to be accountable, adela,
for the actions and thedecisions you make for the
consequences of your life.
The amount of tantrums thatwould have came out of her is
insane.
The tantrum that I would havethrown and I use the word

(21:18):
tantrum with all love, okay,with the most love that I can
use to say what's happening tous from within when we're
literally as a being of.
This existed as an adult.
When we throw a tantrum andwe're anxious and we're stressed
and we get angry and we do,it's a child within you saying
enough is enough.

(21:39):
I'm not designed for this.
I am not designed for thisworld to move at this pace that
I can't even keep up with.
My being, my body is notdesigned for that and we don't
listen to that.
I had that to be said to me allthe time, my whole.
For a long time I had the wordsilence, silence, no, and

(22:01):
silence and no and silence andno.
And, as you guys know, I talkso damn much.
I talk all the time, anytime,and it's in depth and it's heavy
and it's not.
It's not like things.
I'm not a small talker.
It is about your life, aboutyour existence, and but before
then it was the most empty partof my so-called in-depth talk

(22:23):
that I would have with people,because I didn't even understand
myself.
It was such surface level, itwas such crude that's a good
word surface levelobjectification of, if that's
even a word now, objectivitymaybe Correct me if I'm wrong,
look me up of the human beingand the being exists, of the

(22:47):
existence itself.
So I had no idea.
I had no idea what it meant andI didn't know what it meant to
be accountable for my thoughtsin that moment, to be
accountable for the space and beresponsible for the space and
time that I existed in.
Nobody showed me that.
And when I would reach out andask for help and I would go to
professionals, in that time theywould showed me that.
And when I would reach out andask for help and I would go to
professionals, in that time theywould tell me.

(23:08):
Still to this, I remember andI'm gonna tell you this story
because I was wrong.
He was right in some sense.
I was, I was wrong in a lot ofsense and but he was wrong in
some sense too, but he was right.
So back in the day, when I wasgoing through my journey of
health and I didn't understandwhat was wrong with me, it was
right after my son.
I was like I'll get better,I'll do what I need to do.
It was after this too, I'm likeI'll go, I will seek the help I

(23:31):
need to help.
Something's wrong with me.
One I didn't know I was inpostpartum.
I didn't know that I wasliterally I had no idea what,
like.
We talked about it a little bitback in my day, and this was
back in my day, early 2000, andlike 11, 12, 13.
So it's not that long ago wherepostpartum was like there was

(23:53):
just coming around theconversations and I didn't know
that.
And as a young being who wastrying to this career, and the
way we were taught as women, theway I was raised, was that if
you were not at your top, youweren't shit.
Period, it didn't matter andyou had to be at your top in
every aspect of your life or youwere not desirable, you were
not going to be taken, you were,you would like and you better

(24:17):
be an independent woman too,which that's a whole different
story.
That being right, there was anindependent, super depressed,
non-existent being like at all.
This being is so independent.
But I depend, I am so dependent, like I have such dependability
on my husband, on those aroundme now, and, primarily, my

(24:41):
dependency is on God.
Period, point blank, it's just,that's it.
That's the only person, that'sthe only being, that's the only
creature that I am, like, 100%dependent on, because I cannot
do it alone.
There's no, this independentliving to the life.
We, as human beings, are notmeant to be on that level of

(25:01):
independence, such separation ofour existences, but we are
meant to be independent andaccountable for our own actions,
independent in our thinking,independent in our existence,
independent in our feeling,independent in our processes,
right, but we are meant to existtogether and live together and
and and create these, thesecommon pathways and these

(25:25):
connections that may separate usin the long run, but like, but
when we come together and we putour individual input and we put
our individual thought and weknow each other, we can always
come to a really great, you know, compromise and a conclusion of
how we can help each other.
And so that being had no ideahow to do that, that adela had

(25:45):
no idea how to do that.
That adela fought with swords,with tanks, with grenades, that
adela will blow up the world ifyou tell her no, if you
disagreed with her, and justlike she told the doctor.
Uh, when I was going back backto the story, when I was going
back into getting my help,getting what I needed help, uh,

(26:08):
again, not the right thing to do.
Don't do this, don't say this,this is not.
But I went in, I was tellinghim my symptoms.
I'm like, hey, I'm having painshere, hey, I'm this, hey, I'm
that.
This is what's happened.
And to be fair and to give himher credit to do, knowing what I
know now and the education andthe information I've learned now

(26:29):
, he was doing the right thing,which was to look at the root
cause of a problem and to askwhat happened in my life and
where this such level of pain iscoming from.
Because they can't find it intests.
And they couldn't.
They did all the tests, all theblood work, all the tests.
They could not find the pain,but the pain was real to me.

(26:53):
I mean, I could not walk, Icould not pick things up.
It was so debilitating to thepoint where I would lose
absolute feeling in my legs.
I would have to drag myselfacross the house just to be able
to get to one, one place toanother, and then I would start
to throw things, which is why Ihad stopped doing hair because

(27:15):
at some point I wasn't going torisk hurting someone, and I
isolated myself so much becauseI could not figure out what the
problem was.
I didn't understand and he askedme what is your root problem?
What happened?
I told him mind you, he's alsoforeign, so he understood more
than I did but I was a child.
I had no idea.
A child who pretended she wasan adult at like 27 is like

(27:38):
isn't it what I'm doing wrong?
Oh, and I'm sitting here andasking him, you know, help me.
I'm telling you this is what'sgoing.
And I'm crying now, at thispoint, because, like at this
point, I have been in pain for adecade.
I mean it started when I waslike 16, 15, 16 full-on pain,

(28:00):
and I'm 27 now.
I had a new mom trying tounderstand this.
Like I know what I'm talkingabout, but I didn't know how to
advocate it, I didn't know howto translate it, I didn't know
how to communicate it in aninformed way, where it made
sense and it wasn't soemotionally overridden.

(28:24):
But when you're in that stateand your emotion is so
unregulated and your whole beingis completely like, just not
there the decisions you make andthe way you communicate and the
way you come off.
There's not necessarily toomuch of a logical thinking
behind it or a lot or reasoning,because the emotion is so

(28:45):
overwhelming and if you've livedin that state for so long, you
can't reason, like you can'treason, and I couldn't reason.
So he was, you know, telling medo this, change this, do this.
And I'm like you don'tunderstand.
I've done all of that.
I didn't do all of that.
Let's be real.
I did not do all of that,didn't do all of that.

(29:07):
Let's be real.
I did not do all of that.
And he said something to me thatI'll never forget right and
three things.
Two of the things were wrong,semi wrong.
One of them was completelyright and I was completely wrong
.
Again, just remember, for thewords that I said, I was
completely wrong.
Don't say these words, don't bemean, but this is what happens
when you're not, when you're notstable enough to irrational
enough to understand what ishappening to you, what the
conversation is, and you decideto have a tantrum.

(29:30):
So, as I'm in the middle of my,I'm crying boohoo in Thomas
right now.
He looks at me.
He goes sweetheart, number one,don't say that to people when
they're in their despair stateand they're like don't
sweetheart them, don't, justdon't do that.
It is the most condescendingthing ever.
But I got sweetheart becausethat's what people do.

(29:53):
So he's a sweetheart.
You're a woman and you'rehormonal and it's in your head.
Oh, my God, okay.
So the next words that came outof my mouth Again, I know

(30:26):
myself enough to know what kindof a vile creature I am.
I know myself to know myselfenough now specifically to know
when I'm willing to just saythings because I'm willing to
say them and go for them and letit all burn, like fuck it all,
let it all burn.
And now I can also be like itjust might not be right.
Adela, he does not mean it thatway.
It's not what that is.
Clarify the questions versuswhat I said.
Instead of again, again,rationally thinking, instead of

(30:47):
calming myself down, I ampedmyself up more and so I lost it
a bit more and threw my full-ontantrum and I threw my hands
down and I was like I can'tbelieve you would insult me like
that and the depth of likewailing that was happening
within me in my head at least inmy head, I thought I was calm.

(31:08):
In my head I looked calm and inmy head I was getting my point
across, but in my head I wasthis tiny little being compared
to this giant that was reallytaking control over my body.
So this giant green monstercame out and she's losing
herself.
She's standing right there infront of your screen, that thing
right there where you're like,oh no, adela can't possibly.

(31:29):
No, adela can.
Very much so.
And so I lost my being and Ilooked at him and I was like why
don't you go back to manhattanand let it burn and drown in
there with it?
Just you all alone?
Oh, I was.
It was terrible, terrible thingsto say when you're in an angry
space.
Okay, so regret those wordsabsolutely, because and I've
said plenty of things like thatlike I'm not kidding, I am not a

(31:50):
nice person at all.
I'm not.
I know myself enough to knowthat I have a sharp tongue, and
but that's the part where I'velearned that a sharp tongue will
come back to bite me in the asstoo.
So I better be careful with mywords.
And you know, I go up on my wayand I'm so, so, so devastated,
because not only did he tell methat I was a woman, now I'm just

(32:11):
hysterical, right, and I'mcrazy and I'm just an emotional
being that I can't control heremotions because I'm a woman.
Uh, it's, it's, I'm hormonal,like my hormones are off the
whack.
Like what?
No, they're not off the whack.
How could my hormones be offthe whack?
They were off the whack.
They were so off the whack likewhat?
No, they're not off the whack.
How could my hormones be offthe whack?
They were off the whack.
They were so off the whack.
But the other part was where hesaid the part.
It was really the mostinsulting to me that he said it

(32:32):
was in my head and I could.
I could not let that go foryears.
Honestly, for years afterwards,I could not let that go because
he said it was in my head andthat stuck with me.
Why did that piece stick withme?
Because he was right.
I have learned along my journeythat if something sticks with me
a word, a statement, a sentence, something of an interaction of

(32:55):
some way sticks with me,there's some truth to it.
Okay, there's some truth towhat has been said, that it's
stuck to you because there'ssome glue to you right there.
Somebody wouldn't have beenthrowing some stones or some
paper or whatever it is thatwould stick it.
Maybe stones won't stick somuch, but you know they throw
some stuff but they wouldn't beif it wasn't true.
So I decided to take it uponmyself and start looking into my

(33:21):
head, because if it was on myhead myself?
And start looking into my headbecause if it wasn't my head.
See, this is the part aboutadela today that I, she and I
share very much.
So is that we're both very,very stubborn and we're both
very high overachievers and weboth love proving people wrong.
We both love proving peoplewrong.
We also love being proved wrong, because it's really exciting
for us to be wrong.
Maybe not so for her back then,but for me absolutely now.

(33:44):
Please don't think I'm crazybecause I've had plenty of
therapists tell me that I'mcrazy for even referring to
myself and the two selves that Ihave.
But I have to like.
That is the two night and dayself.
That is the self that I don'twant anymore.
It is the self that willforever be a part of me because
it grew up with me.
It is with me, but it is a selfthat I don't want anymore.
So why would I refer to thatself as somebody that is part of

(34:07):
me right now, when I've decidedthat she no longer exists.
I don't want that version of me, I don't want those behaviors,
I don't want those consequences,I don't want those decisions
because they're no good for myreality.
So if I say that I am done withthat and that identity and that
being, that's crazy.
But I have to change my wholeview of how I, you know, view

(34:30):
human beings and everything elsein there and in between and
have to, you know, unicornpeople.
That's not crazy.
But me saying that I have toseparate my identity from the
child of trauma and a woman whogrew up in trauma and a young
adult who grew up in trauma anda mother and a wife who grew up

(34:52):
in trauma, a wife who grew up intrauma, not by the man or
family she married but by herown self.
But those identities and thoselabels all come along with that
trauma.
How could I be a better wife?
How could I be a better mother?
How could I be a better humanbeing, if I was not going to
look at that person that beingright there on that screen, you

(35:13):
guys myself, if I was not goingto look at myself and study this
being and say what is wrongwith what's going on in my head.
And so I went down the rabbithole let me fix it, okay.
So they said you're too erratic, adela.
Well, let me see if I can fixmy erraticness.
You're too this well, let mesee if I can fix that.
You're too that, let me see ifI can fix that.
Was it easy?
Hell to the no, but what did Ilearn?

(35:34):
I learned so much control.
Am I still Adela?
100%?
Yes, I am still the mostpassionate being.
I am light, I am anoverachiever.
I am so ambitious, I believe sowholeheartedly in the goodness

(35:55):
of our existence, of humanbeings.
There's you cannot convince meotherwise.
I've had that since forever.
That is my existence, that iswho I am, that is the definition
of me.
The rest of all of this that'sbeen placed upon and and I've
had to trudge and have to figureout all of those were again
labels and narratives thatdefine me by others, not by my

(36:17):
own self, and this being on thescreen that I'm looking at right
now too, like I can't imagine.
I go there sometimes.
I go there and I say how doesit like?
And it's genuinely so difficultfor me now unless I'm really in
that space and she comes outand I really am in in a space of
depressed, this depressedexistence, and I need to come

(36:40):
back into into myself.
Where she emerges to a levelwhere she takes over, then it's
I look and I check in on her andI go how did you do it?
The grace I have for myselfright now, for the being that I
was.
It brings so much emotion to methat I was sitting here looking

(37:04):
at myself, looking at thisyoung woman, this young creature
, this young being she's a childand berating her left and right
and letting the world berateher, letting the world tell her
her worth and where she's at,and letting every, every, a
child.

(37:26):
Now, I'm not saying that Ididn't have decent parents.
I'm not saying I didn't havesome of the decent stuff in my
life.
I had decent things, okay.
But when you're raised bychildren and you're a product of
children, it doesn't't matteryour age, but when the mind is a
child, the child's mind, andthat trauma has never healed.

(37:47):
It just passed on and passed on, and passed on and passed on.
And, like I said when I tookthat picture, I remember that
day going I don't want to looklike that anymore.
That was the first time I sawmy existence and I could make
out the shape of my head and myglasses and where my cheeks go
and the the, the curves in mylines, and the first time I

(38:12):
could make out my own shape.
And that was when I startedlooking in the mirror, started
writing sticky notes and sort ofreally taking the time to get
to know myself.
How does my brain work?
How does my brain think?
How does how do I react?
What is my emotional scale?
Do I even have one?

(38:32):
And if I do, is it so brokenthat it can't be repaired?
Am I smart?
Am I as smart as I thought Iwas?
Because I could pass throughstuff and I could get through
things.
But can I really criticallythink?
Can I solve problems?
Can I be logical and reasonable?
Can I be a contributor in thissociety and in this world and in

(38:58):
my own life?
Can I contribute to my lifeinstead of we take it away from
it?
I had to really rewireeverything from that moment and
I take this once a year.
I look at this picture and andlast year when I looked at it I
was in a different state.
This year, when I look at itand I'm actually sharing it with
you this time.

(39:19):
Who I am like.
I see her in me, I feel her inme, she's there.
But on this other side of lifeis so much grace, so much love,

(39:39):
warmth and empathy for the beinglike yourself.
And it's not a I'm going to notbe responsible and accountable
for the decisions and theactions of my life Like, but
you're going to give yourselfgrace, you're not going to be so
hard on yourself and you'regoing to look at yourself and
say you are only human, you onlyhave a limited amount of time.

(40:02):
Be happy, enjoy this life, bein this existence and share
existence with just pure joy.
Everything matters but nothingmatters, and when I was going
through this I had.
I was on a career path tocosmetology school.
I was going to be the numberone stylist in the world.
I was on my way to do so muchstuff.

(40:24):
I had a plan that had I stuckto that plan and had I gone down
that path and had I reallydecided and taken it on in the
way that I thought I was goingto, I would have won.
I would have won, but I alsowould have died young.
That's the part where I'mlearning now, where I've always

(40:45):
had enough conscious awarenesswithin myself and I've never
left my faith, I've never leftGod, and God has never left me,
is because every time I've beenin a decision or a position of
something that's just sodespairingly like I can't handle
this anymore, the decision formyself me, like my, not anybody
else has always been the rightone.

(41:06):
I've always been guided to theright part of that, and so when
I decided that I was going tolive my life the way I needed to
, it required me creating a newway to think.
It required me creating, andyou guys know what I didn't
creating.
And you guys know what I didn'teven know I could create.
I didn't know I could paint.

(41:28):
I didn't know I could putthings together.
I didn't know I could style.
I didn't know I could.
I didn't know I could organizeand fold my laundry the way I
organize and fold my laundry insuch a creative and artistic way
.
It really is.
I promise you guys, when youfall in love, creativity.
You find creativity everywhereand you're going to want to
create everything about yourlife to be the way you see it

(41:51):
for you and if you see it acertain way, you're going to
work your butt off to do it.
I promise, I promise, and it'sfor you, not anyone else, it's
for you in your life.
Those accomplishments, thosemoments, the ones that no one
sees, when she was trying to getthe whole world to see her, I

(42:11):
was so depressed, I was so lost.
I was seeking for validationfrom the whole world and all I
needed was redemption.
I just needed to redeem my ownbeing.
I needed to come back to myselfand redeem it Really.
That was what it was.
I needed to recognize that Iwas okay, recognize and accept
and be forgiving for the thingsthat I had no control over, and
also forgive myself for thethings that I did have control

(42:32):
over, but I was set anyway, didanyway, and all the bad things I
did.
Forgive myself for that too,because in some sense and shape
or form, I didn't have controlover my being in there either.
And I'm not saying it's excusesin any shape or form, because
if I didn't have control over mybeing in there either and I'm
not saying it's excuses in anyshape or form because if I
didn't change my behavior right,if I didn't change my path and
my reality, then what that wouldmean is that it it then I was

(42:52):
doing the same thing, but sinceI changed it and I, I can
forgive myself because we allmake mistakes, even us as the
human being.
So I'm going to take you fromthat to this other um thing that
I did, because it's so awesomeand this is how it started.

(43:14):
So you saw the picture and yousaw me, the, the, the really in
my head, hormonal woman, as theysaid, but so sad, right, that
being is so sad and I want toshow you how I've changed that
by creating.
But before I do that, let'stake a quick second and break
right and pop into our thing.

(43:34):
I want you guys to take a lookat our website really quick on
here.
We have our a, our website inhere, obviously, but we have our
donation site is up.
I'm so excited and if it willpull up for me right now, we're
having some here we go, we'rehaving some issues on our little

(43:55):
thing, but our donation websiteis up.
Uh, here's some of the pastwork that we've done and I'll,
like I said, I'll share with youa few things in here because I
think it's important and you cansupport right here.
You can do a one-time or amonthly payment and donation,
whatever you want to do.
However, you want to help usout that way.
We would really appreciate it,because it funds these

(44:17):
initiatives right.
I don't ask for donations and Iwasn't asking for donations
until we were ready to actuallymake moves with our
organizations, and now we are.
We're in the process of nextyear making some big moves with
the organization because we'vedone a lot of work.
I'm very proud of the work thatI was able to accomplish in my
state of being that I had noidea that I was really doing,

(44:37):
but I knew something was rightfor me.
I knew that this path was rightfor me no matter what, and I've
had to go through these trialsand tribulations to get here.
I've had to really paint my ownway.
I've had to create my own way,and I was not proud of it at all
when I was doing it.
Let me tell you something I wasnot proud of myself.
The amount of shit I gavemyself while I was doing
everything was insane.

(44:57):
But back again, after youreflect, year after year, year
after year, and you see whereyou are and how far you've come,
and you can give yourself gracefor what you didn't do, but
give yourself thanks and creditfor what you did accomplish.
It goes a long way.
It goes a long way, and so Ihave to give myself credit.
Right, I have to give myselfcredit for not being in a good

(45:18):
state of mind, not understandingwhat's happening within my
being, within my existence, notunderstanding how I'm
functioning or why I'm feelingthe way I'm feeling, why I'm
thinking the way I'm thinking.
Being told I'm crazy, beingtold it's impossible.
Being told, excuse me, to picka lane, being told to just give
up at some points too, like thisis stupid, adela.

(45:41):
Nobody cares about creatingorganizations that will be
helpful to humans and serving.
Nobody cares about service work.
Nobody cares about being goodor kind in there.
You can't run an honestbusiness, you can't be an honest
being and do these things I'mthese are the things that were
said to me Adela fix everything,like literally all through this

(46:05):
time.
I was doing it and I would feelthe amount of times I would go
down on myself and put myselfdown because I would listen to
that.
And then I look now and I'mlike holy shit, I created
magazines, I created photos, Icreated, I shaved my damn head
Like what, what have I done?
I've done so many things andI'm so proud of them.

(46:26):
So I want to continue creating.
I want to continue and I wantto be there and I want to push.
So I'd really, reallyappreciate if you guys go onto
our website, invest in changeand invest in change for us.
Help me out, help us out,donate right here.
A dollar makes a huge difference, I promise you.
Now we get charged for all ofthis.
I'm just letting you know.

(46:47):
We get charged like 40 or 33cents per dollar, so only like
60, some cents.
I'm not good at math.
22 cent, 23 cents plus 67 cents, that's 100.
I don't know, I'm not very goodat math, um, but we get
somewhere along that.
So just know, we get charged onthat.
That's fine.
We have to pay fees, we have topay our dues, we have to do

(47:07):
that.
But just to kind of heads.
If you want to add a littleextra, that's fine too.
If you have the extra change,that's not.
If not.
Again, every penny counts.
Every penny helps.
I'm going to thank you becauseyour support has been able to
get me to here and your beliefin me has been able to get me to
here, and your faith and whatI'm doing has gotten me to here.
So thank you so much.

(47:27):
We're live on our website onthat.
So make a donation and wereally, really, really
appreciate it.
And you can leave us a note andwe'll read them on the podcast
and give a special shout out toeverybody.
And if you donate $100 or more,you get a special, special
treat, special box, specialstuff, all kinds of stuff.
$50 more There'll be a littlesomething special for you.

(47:49):
$20 and less we thank you foryour support, we'll shout you
out, we'll give you all of ourinformation and you can come on
and give us a post and we'llread the comments and we know
that every penny counts, everydollar counts.
Now I understand that and again, I appreciate you for even
letting me get to here andallowing me to do what I do best

(48:10):
and that is to create.
So let's get into this creatingprocess.
I wanted to share this videowith you because I think that
this is and this is just a partof it when I started Project
Human you'll get to see this Iwant to share this with you.
This is Adela.
This is our very first thinkvideo.

(48:33):
I had no idea what I was doing,but it was so grateful for a
human who came into my life tohelp me DK from DK films.
She was fantastic and helpingme out to get through this.
And so let's, let's so sorry ifthat was so loud in your ears
because that was loud in mine.
I apologize to the core of me.
But let's look at, look at thislittle face.
Do you see her?

(48:54):
She's trying so hard.
Oh, oh, my goodness, I'm soproud of her.
I'm so.
You have to be proud of yourbeing, you guys.
You have to be proud of yourbeing.
So let's take a look at this.
We are the voice for those whocannot speak.
We are the eyes for those whocannot see.
We are the ears for those whocannot hear.
We are the heart for those whocannot feel.

(49:16):
We are united in love, equalityand trust in our mission for
change in conversation aboutmental health.
Who are we?
We are a group of artists andvisionaries who believe the
world is yours.
What is our mission?
To bridge the gap incommunication, education and
positive expression on mentalhealth within ourselves and the

(49:37):
community.
Project Human Incorporated isstarting the Declutter Challenge
for everyone in the communityfrom October 1st to November 1st
, and we're challenging all ofyou in our efforts to help
ourselves and the communitydeclutter our mental, physical
and emotional state.
For more information on thechallenge, please visit
adelahittalcom.

(49:58):
So, as you can see, this isbefore.
I had an idea of what I wantedto do, what I was going to do
and any of that Like this, isall before that.
I just wanted to, and I knewthat starting the way to start
something was to declutter,right, and so how are we going

(50:20):
to declutter, right?
And so how are we going todeclutter?
I learned that so much of ourphysical space things that are
not done, things that areforgotten or things that are
just somewhere become just likeRAM that's being used up in our
brain and just like just beingstored to memory, but it never
gets cached out or cleared out.

(50:40):
So it just builds and buildsand builds and becomes a monica
closet in your big brain andthen your big brain becomes the
full bonica closet.
So you have to declutter it,and when we started this and I
started this I decluttered myhouse.
I was like, if we're gonna dothis, I'm gonna do it and I'm
gonna do it step by step.
I had, literally from mydriveway all the way down, two

(51:03):
houses.
I had to talk to my neighborsand be like I'm piling up your
trash because I had to declutter.
I became a hoarder during thattime, like that.
What you see, adela was ahoarder during that time.
I was a hoarder.
I was a hoarder everything andanything, because gosh forbid
that I didn't have something,gosh forbid that I.
I wasn't capable of saving someway.

(51:26):
And becoming that hero complexis such a in trauma.
It's such a like real thing.
When you're experienced traumato the levels that I have and
others have you, all you want todo is save people so they never
feel the way you feel.
All you want to do is protecteveryone around you and be the

(51:46):
one because no one else could.
No one else could do it for you, so you can do it for them.
No one else but you can.
And then you become dependenton being their hero versus your
own and again re-engineeringyour thinking and finding a new
way to process some things likemaybe I should refocus it on

(52:07):
myself and declutter my own self.
That might be helpful.
So we took a day and tookeverything out and whatever did
not make it back in that houseat the end of the day, when it
came dark, it didn't matter, itwas in the trash and then we
still had to get a dumpster.
When I say that we can become sooverly obsessed with hoarding

(52:32):
things and it could be littlethings like my, my, my, um, what
is it called?
Now?
My fabric room right now, mysewing room, my craft room, is a
cluttered mess.
I have collected so much.
That is my hoarder room rightnow.
I, my sewing room, my craftroom, is a cluttered mess.
I have collected so much.
That is my hoarder room rightnow I have.
So I need that.
I need that.
What, if I need that?
I need that.
I can't completely eradicatethe hoarder out of me right now,

(52:54):
but I can control them.
I can control them so much toone room and I'll go back in
there and I'll clean it out andI'll put it into a mess and
it'll be on there.
But the rest of my beingdoesn't have to be that way.
The rest of my house doesn'thave to be that way.
I can actually have a physical,closet, physical space.
That is, that it's just my ownclutter mess and I'm okay with
it, but the rest of it doesn't.

(53:14):
And I used to think that as longas my house was clean, but my
room was a mess.
That was fine because nobody.
Nobody was in there, nobodywould go in there, and that was
a reflection of my mind.
Right, your bedroom is areflection of your mind.
And when it's a mess and no onegoes in there, no one's in
there and you completely avoidit.
You avoid it yourself and noone goes.
Who's going to clean it up?

(53:34):
Who's going to fix it?
So every time I'm in my spacewhere I start to feel down, the
first room I clean is my bedroom, the first room I make space
for and declutter and ensurethat it is my bedroom, because
it's the most private part of myexistence.
It's the most private part,just like my brain is, my mind

(53:55):
is.
No one goes in there, so Ibetter be the one to go in there
and clean it up and take careof it, right?
No one's going to clean my sockdrawer, laundry drawer, like no
one's going to do that but me.
So I better get in there.
And when I realized that thatwas hard because I avoided them
and I avoided everything in myroom and everywhere else, now

(54:17):
when I clean my room, I havemore energy to clean everything
else.
It just spirals down the roadbecause my my mind becomes
cleaner.
So decluttering whether youdeclutter once a year, every
three months, six months,whatever this isn't about does
it bring me joy?
Do I keep it?
No, like you declutter, youclean, you purge, you get rid of
and then you make a consciousdecision that you're not going

(54:38):
to clutter it back in until youand this isn't about living a
minimalist style, like I have somuch stuff everywhere, but it's
about the things that you knowwhat you have.
You know the space that theyhave.
It's not using space and emptywasted space, like your drawers
right, like your kitchen drawers, and not like it's not a
clutter mine, I'm not sayingthat I don't have them, I have
those two.
We have that.
It can't be perfect, okay, butI'm talking about on a bigger

(55:00):
scale.
So take a look at your house,take a look at that.
Maybe you could declutter thisyear.
That could be a good thing.
Reflect and declutter, thatwould be a new one.
Um, so we did that, started that.
And then a couple of um let mesee if it's right here couple of
do-do-do-do it's on this one.
Couple of uh, I don't know,maybe a year later after that, I

(55:21):
met a friend of mine, or maybeeven a little bit, I don't know.
Maybe a year later after that,I met a friend of mine, or maybe
even a little bit, I don't know.
Sometime after that, I met afriend of mine named Will who
had become who's become such adear friend of mine Not only a
dear friend of mine, but asupporter in everything I've
done and has actually ensuredthat the Define, the Narrative
documentary is going to happen.

(55:42):
And because of his littledocumentary that we started here
, we've started a fulldocumentary.
So I wanted to share some partsof this with you because I want
again.
The reason why I'm doing thisisn't so that we can look at
Adela and be like Adela is sogreat.
Ah, it's not.
It's not at all.
What this is for me is to tellyou that you have to reflect

(56:05):
upon yourself.
You have to look at yourselfand you have to go back to see
the growth you have.
You have to be wanting to beresponsible enough to retrace
your steps.
Look back at your life, beaccountable for what you did and
what you didn't do.
Give yourself grace for whereyou are or where you are not, or

(56:26):
where you were and where youwere not.
Make decisions today that willimpact you for where you want to
go and where you're going tocontinue to stay, not the past.
So there's a process to reallycoming over to the other side,
as call it, from this state ofabsolute survival and absolute
fight all the time to a peace,to a living state, to an

(56:48):
existing state, to a space whereit doesn't honestly like today
everything I'm like sitting.
Sometimes I'll get into my headand be like you're not doing
good enough, adela, and I saidthat even with this podcast,
even with everything I'm doinghere, adela, you're not doing
good enough.
You're not doing good enough.
You should be already at this,you should already be at that,
you should already be at this.
But damn, adela, you are oneperson, one human being.

(57:12):
You are one human being who'srunning a whole organization,
who's creating programs, who'smarketing, who's promoting,
who's doing this.
Yes, you have help here andthere, but you are one being
24-7.
You are one being in your mind,in your bedroom.
You're also a mother and a wifeand a friend and everything
else in between.
When can you just be a humanbeing and exist?

(57:38):
So, instead of striving for thesuccesses of accolades that I've
strived for before, even, asyou'll see with Isadella now, I
strive for my peace constantlyfor his school project.

(58:00):
He was in film school at thetime and he said, hey, I need to
do a short little documentary,you know, and do it on somebody
who you know, who's inspiring,who's been through some stuff,
and I was like sure, I mean, Idon't see again, no idea the
concept that I have of my beingnow and what I've gone through
and where I'm at, and this isn'tme holding me to a pedestal.

(58:21):
This is I've gone through andwhere I'm at, and this isn't me
holding me to a pedestal.
This is acknowledging the factthat I've survived some shit in
my life and I'm here and I havea leg to stand on.
I have two of them, to behonest, to stand on, and I have
a ground, I have a foundationand I know what I'm talking
about in my existence and thisAdela was just beginning to see
herself that way now, whether ornot I had a conscious awareness

(58:42):
that I was doing all of thesethings, I didn't.
I didn't personally, like Idon't.
I remember doing this interviewa bit, but I don't remember.
I don't remember being aspoised as I, as I think I am.
Maybe I'm not and I don'tremember.
Uh, I just don't remember howit felt to be there.

(59:05):
It was such a just like witheverything else in my life
before.
It's such a blip, it's such apass through on get it done,
don't say anything, don't lookat it, don't think it is done.
But I think that's kind ofsometimes a little bit of a
detriment.
I was born and raised for someparts of my life in

(59:27):
Bosnia-Herzegovina, formerlyknown as Yugoslavia, back in
1989, before Tito.
Well, right after Tito died andthen Yugoslavia dispersed,
first of all, what do I looklike?
Thinking I know history and Iknow what I'm talking about.

(59:48):
I'm sure I'm wrong in so manyof those things that I just said
there, but I was right in someparts.
But look at, oh, my goodness,you, you're a little child.
I just want to give her a hug.
It just she needs a hug.
So bad andnia had to give mekind of became up and then it
spiraled into a whole lot ofother things.
But yeah, bosnia, I'm here'swhat I wanted to share right

(01:00:12):
when, when, a being of now,again, adela, today, and that
Adela, the being there, rightthere, the stoicism that I see
and like it's a matter of fact,and this happened and this and

(01:00:32):
it's so serious and it's so well, and I'm not saying I'm not
like that, I am very much likethat, but the trauma is in full
control here.
Trauma, my trauma is in fullcontrol here.
Trauma, my trauma is in fullcontrol here.
And the fact that I can see itnow.
I see it in my body, I see itin my eyes, I see it in the way

(01:00:53):
my face is.
I see it in my jawline.
My goodness, the eyes alone.
The eyes alone are so muchdarker and I get makeup and I
get all this stuff at all, butthere's so much darker in an
essence of existence like this.
Being here was in such a traumamode.
A lot of other things, but yeah, I mean the country that you

(01:01:17):
would have farmers markets andyou could walk and play with
kids.
Kids would literally run acrosstown by themselves at the age
of like five, like no joke, andyou would be okay because
everybody knew, everybody kneweverybody from across towns.
You could know one person inthe little city and they would
know you across probably like150 miles and they'd know your
parents and they'd know you know.

(01:01:37):
It was really nice.
To be honest, I don't rememberthe first.
So I'd like to say that that isall true and I'd like to think
that that is all true, but Ithink that I also had this idea
of in my head of what I wantedmy life to have been, or it was
an idea based off of storiesthat were passed down to me to

(01:01:59):
be told that we are this.
Everybody knows everybody.
We're a small little country,we're small.
150 miles is a long miles.
Stories that were passed downto me to be told that we are
this, everybody knows everybody.
We're small little country,we're small.
150 miles is a long miles.
Okay, that might be my wholecountry, okay, 150 miles wide.
So again, it just shows you thatwhen you're in a state of
trauma, the way that, whereyou're at and what, what you're
trying to attach to details andfacts in these moments, versus

(01:02:26):
the experience is, is oh, wow,adela, two different adelas, 15
to 18 years of my life.
Very well, um, the first coupleyears, um, I do have some
recollection of.
We used to live up on a hilland my parents built a house and
we would overlook our littlevillage, and then the war

(01:02:49):
happened.
You have the governments thatcome into and then the rise and
falls of things and then theydestroy it all.
Prior to that slightly.
But in 1990 the war outside ofwhat was kind of happening, or
the talks of war, kind ofreached Bosnia.
It was kind of like, okay, thisis what we're going to do.
And literally overnight lifechanged.

(01:03:11):
It went from being sleeping andlooking out the window and
seeing bright moons and starsand to waking up to a burnt
village, to waking up to peopleburnt village, to waking up to
people screaming to, to wake itup to just all kinds of stuff.
And I wasn't the only onenecessarily lost a lot of family
or friends and I was fortunatethat I didn't lose the immediate

(01:03:34):
family, if you will like, mymom, dad, my, oh, that brings me
so much, oh.
So I didn't allow myself to cry.
Um, I gotta plug my phone inthere.
We go camera work back athandle.
I didn't, I didn't allow myselfto cry back.

(01:03:55):
Then you can even see there thatI'm holding it back, like, like
, it's just a matter of factthat something so terrible and
tragic happened to a child, to abeing, that something so big
happened that I am just it's amatter of it happened.
It is what it is.
And you know, I'm fortunate,I'm this, I'm that and, yes, all
of those things are true.

(01:04:16):
But when you're looking at theimpact it has on the actual
individual human being, theconcept of its own is that, my
gosh, like it suppresses.
It suppresses everything.
It suppresses your need to feel, it suppresses your need to
experience, your need to,because what's the point, right?

(01:04:41):
What's the point when you'vejust experienced the most tragic
and gruesome thing of your lifeat the hands of another human
being?
What's the point?
And I know how that felt there,like I, I see it all over my
face.
I see it all over my face.
I feel it all over my body, myeverything.

(01:05:03):
And then to sit and go, youknow, but I was one of the lucky
ones.
Again, all true, but to notallow yourself to feel.
And the reason I can talk aboutit this way now is because I
literally went through thefeeling modes.
The last three years of my liferight now have been about
strictly feeling this experience.
Has it been easy?
No, have I broken down andcried at a times and places and

(01:05:25):
spaces that I have no idea?
And have I felt?
Yes, I have.
It has not been fun and I don'tlike it and the things I've
learned?
I don't like it at all, but ithappened.
And that is part of claimingyourself your story, claiming
the things that have happened toyou, and then saying shit that
sucked.
How could we have allowed thatto happen and how are we

(01:05:50):
allowing it to continue tohappen?
That's a whole other story andquestion in itself.
Sisters, I was so fortunate, sofortunate, but other people lost
a lot more.
So my uncle escaped here,actually right after he was
freed from prison, and then wewere.
We lived in Bosnia for a couplemore years on the run and then

(01:06:13):
in 97, we got papers.
We didn't know if my uncle wasalive or not and just got one
word that hey, you've got anapplication to come to America.
And my dad I remember this sovividly because my dad said, no,
we're not leaving.
Like, this is our home, this iswhere we're staying, and we
were in a hideout at that timetoo and he said, no, we're not

(01:06:35):
leaving.
And my mom just looked at meand she was like you know, I
leave with or without you kindof thing.
And having a woman make adecision specifically in that
time or in that place, and todefy a man in that, to know that
history of that family wasreally like.
I remember that moment becausemy mom, like, stood up and I was
like and I knew when my momwent through it was a woman part
of that, but I stood up to thatand then we came here.

(01:06:57):
That part I vaguely remember.
I remember us sitting around atable it was a square table that
we had in this house and backin and we still, I mean, I still
do it here too.
We have these big tall tablesin the middle of our dining
tables with our, with ourcouches table that we had in
this house and back in and westill, I mean, I still do it
here too.
We have these big, tall tablesin the middle of our, uh, dining
tables with our, with ourcouches and, um, I remember

(01:07:22):
sitting on one side and my dadwas on this side.
I think my mom was standing upand she was holding the papers
and she was saying this to himand you, you know, like, hey,
we're doing this, blah, blah,blah, blah, and he's like we're
not going, and she like, andagain, as a child memories are
not the greatest, but I doremember her like putting them

(01:07:44):
down and going.
I'm leaving with or without you, we're leaving with or without
you.
And that was a part of me whereI was like, oh my god, like he
she's making the decisions,because up to that point he made
all the decisions right, likehe had made all the decisions
for us.
My mom had asked him to leave,you know, before the war started
, because there wasn't rumors mymom had mentioned some things

(01:08:05):
or whatever, but because ofwhere we're at and the culture
and everything, like the man's,the man and the words, the man,
and so this time she was like no, and I think back on that, I
mean in the time and in thespace that she was in, and she
was 24, 25 at the time, uh,maybe even 20, at the same time
that I was when I started thisjourney of my own self.
And I remember I can't, I can'tlike I look at it this way, I

(01:08:32):
can't imagine being 24 years old, being ripped away from my
family, from my children, mychildren, in a jail cell, me
having to go and walk andpotentially step on a mine,
potentially be put intosomething, just so, like I am a
booby trap, you know, decoy,decoy, like to think that my mom

(01:08:57):
had to go through that, likethe stories I've heard nowadays
and where I'm at, and to seethat child and to know that I've
come to here like this level ofwho I am, oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh.
Bow down and credit to the, tothe people who do the thing, the
things that they have to do.
Bow down to those who arereally set like bow down to
overcoming all of that and stillsurviving and potentially
trying to live.
Now I have, I look at this beinghere, go and I look at myself

(01:09:22):
today and I'm like Adele, youhave nothing, nothing to
complain about, like you didn'teven suffer.
You didn't even suffer.
You have no memory, you have nophysical scars.
You have been protected sodeeply, so, on such a spiritual
and granular level, that youhave no concept of that.

(01:09:43):
And it is the truth for metoday, not for her right, not
for the blue-haired girl who wasjust trying to find her way and
was trying to get attention Notat all.
Now, I'm not saying my hair isnot colorful.
I love my colors.
I'm just saying this is noreference to anybody who has got
blue hair and think you know me, think something.

(01:10:03):
I'm just saying I had blue hair.
I was there shaved at all.
I'm just saying those were myattention days.
I know what they were for me.
They may or may not be for you.
They were for me, I don't know.
I haven't looked back since inthat sense of any of that.
I've accepted everything thatthis new country has given
Because I have freedom.
Ten years weren't fun.
I was the oldest of six kidsBullshit Talk about.

(01:10:24):
I haven't looked back since.
The all I Look that look rightthere.
That's the look.
That's the look.
That's the look Adela givesherself when she gives others
the bullshit look.
I haven't looked back since.
You know what I was doing then.
I was chasing it.
I was chasing so hard anidentity and a culture.
I was looking back like therewas nobody business.
I thought my neck was man.

(01:10:46):
I never thought I'd get to thefront.
I never thought this neck had apossibility of going to the
front.
Are you kidding me?
I never look back.
That face right there.
That is adela's face.
So are you?
Seriously?
I still have the same face.
That's some shit.
You just said adela, that'ssome bullshit.
You just said she even I evencalled myself out right there.
Ah, okay, so that just that'sfunny.
My dad's an alcoholic.

(01:11:06):
Um, my mom had a lot of,obviously a lot of issues.
Remember that moment because mymom, like, stood up and I was
like and I knew when my mom wentthrough any of that.
I've accepted everything thatthis new country has given
because I have freedom.
Ten years weren't fun.
I was the oldest of six kids.
My dad's an alcoholic.
My mom had a lot of, obviouslya lot of issues mental health

(01:11:27):
issues, of course, medicalissues on top of that and so she
spent years on antidepressantsand drugs and trials and this
and that and electroshock.
There you can hear it in myvoice and in my chest how I'm
trying to swallow it like that'snormal.
I'm just stating it like well,that's just normal.

(01:11:49):
You know, it's normal.
It's normal for people to be insuch states.
It's normal for us to feel,it's normal for people to want
to off themselves.
It's normal.
Normal that's how I'm saying it, that's at least what I'm
getting from my own perspectivebe in all kinds of different

(01:12:10):
things, to kind of have a normalsense of life.
And you know I took the and youknow I took the brunt of the
punches.
I took the brunt of the thingsI needed to take care of, to
take care of the kids thatneeded to be here.
I attempted suicide on multipleattempts.
I went through the eatingdisorders, I went through
cutting, I went throughcompletely hopelessness of

(01:12:32):
nothing like nothing.
How can I come to America, cometo here and like, have you know
?
You go through the familyissues that you're going through
and you go through the bullyingthat you're going through, and
then you're an immigrant and nowyou know now the whole status
quo of what you are and youdon't know English that well.
And so now you're what do youdo?
Like there's a whole and you're11.
So how have you changed toovercome, like, the struggles of

(01:12:55):
ptsd?
I love him, it was because.
So I say that and I think backon it now and I can't imagine
what she's feeling because Idon't have the concept of it
anymore and I I'm sure that if Idug deep, deep, deep deep, I
would I absolutely would but tolook at myself and to see how

(01:13:21):
strong I was trying to be andpretend that I was okay, that
everything within me was okay,when I was literally on the
verge of tears with every wordof my life.
I can just imagine how I waswhen I was talking to human
beings, whether I was on a vergeof tears or anger, whether I
was on a verge of I.

(01:13:42):
No wonder people be like Adelayou.
We never know what we're gonnaget with you, because you didn't
.
She was.
She was going through it again.
Understandable, absolutelygiven the grace and then the
credit where it's due.
But man, was she a handful?
Let me tell you something.
My son had made me do that thenight before.

(01:14:03):
He said hey, mom, I need you toturn me into chaos and I do
makeup like I'm a makeup artist.
At that time that's what I'm amakeup artist.
I do hair and makeup.
That's the extent of my powersand my knowledge of what I do.
So you know he's like turn meinto chaos.
I'm like, dude, I do makeup.
I don't know what to do.
Come on, he goes.
Mom, you said you'd try.
I'm like you, little sucker.

(01:14:25):
So I was like you know what?
Fine, I don't know what to do.
So then I was like tell me whatchaos is?
I look it up and it's this weirdpainting thing.
I'm like oh, that's a littletooth thing.
I draw that.
It's black, it's dots.
I'm like that looks easy.
He goes, but you need to doyour face too.
I'm like, well, I mean, I beatmy face all day.
Okay, I can beat it.
And he's like, no, I'm going topick the Night of the Dead.
And he like picks the half face, full face.

(01:15:00):
And I'm like, so you're reallysetting me up for failure, like
you're not even giving me achance.
And you see that painting rightthere that I painted that.
And then we turned thatpainting into the rebirth
project, into a music video, andso go watch that, because that
is the inspiration for me tostart healing this journey.
I said, if I was gonna do thisand I was gonna let myself heal,
let myself be something I wasgonna be, do it through
expressing.
And that's what, exactly what Idid.
I art is such a way.

(01:15:21):
You don't have to be a greatartist.
I promise you, you don't you.
This is not about whether it'sabout expressing what you're
feeling, and colors and andmediums and different textures
and different palettes tellstories of your life that you
may or may not know it.
And I look at her right therelike she had this Power Ranger
hat on.
She tried to be a businesswoman.

(01:15:41):
She the amount ofcontradictions upon myself right
there is insane.
I am an artist who is astructured with a beanie and
hurt like are you kidding me?
Um, now I know who I am, right,just because I can do all the
things that I'm doing, and thoseare skills.
I know who I am now.
Versus that, I was trying tofigure out and trying to
navigate and understand everypart of me, where I'm at, where

(01:16:04):
I'm going, who I'm with.
All of that and Power Rangershas been my thing and, to be
honest, I haven't been able towatch Power Rangers since Jason
David Frank's passing and hetook his own life two years ago
now, and it was right after, inthis time too, and to me as a
kid, as an adult kid, obviouslythey were my own armor, ok, so I

(01:16:27):
would put my hat on, I wouldput my headset on, I would take
my paintbrushes with meeverywhere, like I, really,
during this time.
Mind you, this is a 30something year old Adela.
This is not.
This is like a 30 year oldAdela.
This is not somebody like nowlike or, or I mean you know, in
her teens like.
This is a 30 year old Adela.
So please have no shame in yourage game or where you're at

(01:16:50):
because she's doing her thingright there and, yeah, I just.
It's really cool to look backand to see how far I've come.
It's awesome to see what I'vebeen able to do and the
emotional structure I've beenable to maintain.
It's also amazing to see thechanges that you can make upon
yourself, in your life and inyour reality when you stick and

(01:17:13):
you commit to it.
All of this is when I decidedto even do this podcast.
I thought about am I going toreact to different videos, to
different people, to differentnarratives, different stories?
Like, how is I going to kind ofdo this?
My whole thing has always beenthis is about the reflection,
this is a truth conversation.

(01:17:33):
These are about looking atyourself within yourself and
recognizing that you, you'rebeing a responsible for the
creation of your life.
And how can I judge or talkabout anybody else's life when I
don't know anything about them?
But a 10 second clip, 15 secondclip.
But I know myself like I knowher.
I know her like the like I knowmy kid now, and I don't know my

(01:17:55):
kid, which also tells you thatI don't know her enough either.
And so how could I ever knowanother being, how could I ever
have any concept when anotherbeing is going through, feeling
where they're at.
All I can do is love and acceptand show them grace and have
faith that they'll find theirway and be the anchor that they
need when they need to be.
Because I cannot.

(01:18:15):
And to take that responsibilityand that burden upon myself and
to put it upon myself when Idon't even know myself, are you
kidding me?
Of course you're going to gocrazy and deranged.
It's like do it, do it.
And I'm like, okay, fine, likelet's try it.
And I did it, dude, I did it.
I didn't know it was good, Ihad no idea I was good, I had no

(01:18:51):
clue, I was good.
Through painting that one face,I found art and I went into
dwelling into body painting,completely taken.
You can see the light comingout of her right here.
Compared to the beginning, I'mtrying to navigate this light
and art and being here, you cansee that, like you can see
myself coming out right here.
So much because it's it'sexpression, it's feeling, it's

(01:19:15):
it's it's a way of saying thingsthat you don't have the words
to say.
And when my son asked me topaint him and he said, mom, do
this.
I was trying to find thepicture, to pull it up, but of
course not at this moment intime is it going to be there.
So it's in one of our spaces.
But when he said, mom, I needyou to do this and paint this,
you said you would try.
Try that part, man, that part.

(01:19:37):
And I did, and I didn't knowand I surprised myself.
You can surprise yourself.
You can surprise yourself sowell.
You don't even know how greatyou are until you try.
And now your try might lead youa different path and you may
change your mind.
It's okay, you did not wastetime.
You did not waste time.

(01:19:59):
You did not lose anything.
What you did was gain knowledge, information about yourself.
That's what you did.
Everybody's going to fit togain information and knowledge
about everybody else, becauseit's the way our world runs.
It is runs on information andinformation and on blackmail and
on what can I get out of andthe most out of this?

(01:20:21):
How can I get the most dirt onyou?
Well, my dirt is all out here.
Like you don't have to get my.
I know my dirt, all my dirt.
I don't need your dirt.
I don't want your dirt becausemy gosh, my dirt, is dirty
enough and I still cleaning thatshit up.
So you want me to take it on,your information and all this.
No, no, no, no, no, thank you,and if you really want to fish
down mine, by all means here,take it, clean it up, because it

(01:20:43):
ain't like you are not exposinganything I don't know.
And so to be able to go backand look at yourself and go, man
, you've come so far, you'vedone so great.
You should be so proud.
I am so proud of that human,that blue hair girl.
First of all, really quick,let's talk about those bangs.
Compared to these bangs, okay,those were unintentional bangs.
I used to work at a barber shopand I had a barber at the time

(01:21:07):
who liked to give an extra layerof a hairline, and he did that.
So my hairline went back alittle bit more than it should
have, and so when it was growingin, that was the part of my
hairline that was cut off, andso I had unintentional bangs.
These are intentional.
These were all done by me.

(01:21:27):
I did them on purpose and youcan see the difference.
But that one was not me.
So let's just talk about that alittle bit because, uh, that
was not a style fashion choice.
I was not ahead of my time,even though I seem to be quite a
bit, but I was not.
That was total accident and Ijust rocked it, rocked it like I
rock everything else.
So yeah, here's me coming tolight A human body and putting

(01:21:50):
what was in my head into a storypiece, and that's been my
canvas so far, my favoritecanvas.
And I went into painting oncanvases actual canvases to
photography.
You guys, can I just give you aquick that right, there is my
first canvas painting.
I sketched and, like, did Iactually sat down and I did that
.
That was my very, very, very,very, very, very first one and I

(01:22:14):
gifted it to my friend, will,who helped me complete this
project and he has the originalhe has, but that was my very
first one.
I've never, I never paintedanything, but that is, that
image is the story of my wholelife.
When I talk about suicide or Italk about awareness or talk
about life or death, I'm notbecause the bathtub has always

(01:22:36):
been a source of despair for meand and I've had to face it I
mean I, I washed my father's andhis army buddies uniforms,
bloodied uniforms, full, youknow, in the tub, and that was
just you put it in and it'sblood, like you're literally
washing out others blood, and itjust my hands did that.

(01:22:59):
And then, you know, I found mymom in the bathtub with her
wrist slit and she doesn't talkabout it that way.
I never talked about it, in asense that I've talked about it
with her once, but it's veryhard for her to talk about it,
obviously.
But it's also something I'vehad to talk about and figure out
because I've tried to do thatright, like I tried to do the

(01:23:23):
same pattern, because I didn'tunderstand and we didn't have
these conversations and weweren't willing to have these
conversations because they'reuncomfortable and for me they're
the easiest conversation tohave.
I'm more uncomfortable having aconversation about what I'm
going to eat, what color I haveto pick.
You know, having to choose adetail of something else that I
am about.
This Mental health and havingthese real life conversations
are like what I existed and whatI know.

(01:23:43):
These are easy for me, butliving in the real world with
people, I don't know how to dothat.
Those are so difficult.
I don't understand.
I am so uncomfortable and justI don't understand.
I am so uncomfortable and justI don't know how to do that.
And so when I look at it thatway and I go well, they don't
even know how to be in my spaceand I don't know how to be in
their space.
Then one of us has to start aconversation.
Then who's more comfortable intheir space of conversation?

(01:24:04):
I am.
I am way more comfortable in myspace of conversation than I am
in someone else's, or someoneelse's and theirs.
Then I'll just start talking.
I'll just start talking aboutthe story.
I'll talk, start talking aboutthe experience of that life and
her life, because I haveresigned myself that I've had to
separate two lives to be ableto live this one.
This life that I have today isof absolute and utter, pure,

(01:24:27):
pure bliss, joy, privilege andand blessing, and there's
nothing more than like God'sheaven is what I'm living in
right now, compared to Satan'shell that I lived in, and so I
had to separate that.
That being is not me.
I don't belong in there.
I'm not saying that I have notbeen redeemed, I've not been
saved, I have not been.
But she also died in that space, like that whole story died.

(01:24:51):
Now I get to carry on the memoryand I get to carry on the story
and I get to carry on the honorof sharing these stories and
these experiences, but notnecessarily from my perspective,
because even though I live them, I understand them, I don't
remember them and it's difficult.
So all I can do is share itfrom an artistic perspective, in
which is when I paint it, whenI express it that way, that's

(01:25:14):
what I can talk about.
And so when I did this painting, this was a rebirth project.
This was me going through andtelling the story of the tub and
what people do in the tubs andwhy they do it and what my
visuals were, and you know, thetherapy that I got from just
being able to do that was insane.
And then to be able to turn itinto a music video and to

(01:25:36):
express it in a way that I neverthought I could like, it's
insane.
Canvas, and I went into paintingon on canvases, actual canvases
to photography, um, to design,to, to creating productions.
Now, also, how conceited do youhave to be to make up a
magazine that's got your ownname, called adela bill?
Because and the reason okay, sothe reason that came about was

(01:25:57):
because one of my clients, whenI wasn't doing hair, she came in
and she's like every time Icome to you it's like I'm coming
into your own world.
It's the Adelaville, andeverybody gets their own little
color and their own little likerainbow house and life and all
that.
I'm like welcome to Adelaville.
And I took it and I run with it.
Because that's what I do I takethings and I run with them and
I'm an opportunist in everyshape or form and I will take an

(01:26:19):
opportunity and I will run it.
So whether or not it works out,I don't know, but doesn't mean
I'm not going to take theopportunity and run it.
So that's what I did.
I took the opportunity to runit.
We made three magazines um, inmy name, haha, because why not?
And then we did it to where itwas supposed to be, which was
for project human.
Because ultimately, that's whatit is right, it's, it's the

(01:26:39):
it's, it's doing so manydifferent things.
In the aspect of coping with myown ptsd.
I know exactly that I'm gonnasucceed and I know exactly why I
did that because I desire.
I desire the feeling that givesme this peace.
I found it.
I found this peace that givesme purpose in my own life.

(01:27:00):
That doesn't put me onto thesocial standards or norms.
I can't change what happened tome.
I can't and I never want to.
I am who I am For every bully,for every person that called me
a name, for every person thatsaid I wasn't nothing, for every
family member that did thethings that they did, for every
person, anything and every lightthing that life threw at me.

(01:27:21):
I would not be here if it wasn'tfor that.
But I also know I wouldn't behere if I didn't have enough
inner self-strength to say, like, I deserve to be here.
But if you take a new approach,a new method, a new way and art
was my way all of this,everything that we're at to this
moment, was my way.
Never thought for a moment itwould lead me to here.
Ever, not even a slightest bitever.

(01:27:42):
Listen that last part still tothe truth, still those words.
I found my peace in art.
I found my peace in expressing.
I found my peace in creating.
Uh, I found my peace inexisting, and if it wasn't for

(01:28:04):
it, I would not be here.
And so, just like this is the,I want to show you one more
piece, um, because this is therawest form of Adela that you'll
get to see, and you'll get tosee this more in the documentary
.
We're going to be sharing that,more information about it next
year, in 2025.
But to find the narrative, thisdocumentary is coming out and

(01:28:25):
I'll kind of share this processthat I've slightly talked to you
about a little bit, but you'llreally really get to see things
that no one's seen yet thefootage behind the scenes, all
the hard work of the projects,of all of this fine-tuned over
these last couple years, of howI've learned to define who I am
and where I'm at and define myworth and to recognize myself as
a good human being, not aterrible one, and to see myself

(01:28:45):
as a force to be reckoned within a good way and to become a
stable creature, to also becomevery defined in my narrative and
what I'm speaking, to becomestrong and my words that I'm
saying and not to just speakwords to speak words.
So, while she knew what she wastrying to say, she was also
just speaking words to speakwords, without actual context or

(01:29:05):
understanding of what she wassaying.
So there's a lot of growththat's happened from that Adela
and the star to today's Adelaand where we're at, and I want
to share that with you and again, not because I want to be seen,
I want to be looked at.
I want to be the center ofattention.
I really, really don't.
I've tried for years to getsome other people to be faces.
Nobody wants to be the face,but how can anybody be the face

(01:29:28):
of your story, right?
How can anybody be the face ofyour idea or the face of what
you know is only in your mind,in your head and where you're at
?
No one can.
So you have to step up to theplate, you have to become more
accountable, responsible and youhave to show face in that way.
And I had to take some time todo that, because you know I did.
And here we go.
I want to share this last onewith you, because this one, this

(01:29:51):
moment right here, is myfavorite moment of my, of
everything I've done.
It was when I shaved my head andit was in that moment that I
realized that I had let go ofthe last bit of Adela that I
knew.
You see where I come from.
Having hair on your head meantthat you were pretty.

(01:30:12):
Having long red hair like I didmeant that you were an
exception, and doing anythingoutside of that would make you
well unacceptable and you wouldbe ugly and you would not be
pretty.
And so when I was 16 and wemoved out here, I decided to be
ugly unacceptable and change myhair color, chop my hair off
into black, you know, from long,beautiful red hair to bam black

(01:30:38):
hair, jet black, went into thedark phase and that was when my
whole that should have been anindication of expression in its
artist purest form, the.
And that's the thing again, whenwe look at kids in high schools
and we look at children and welook at people through their
stages, when they're expressingthrough their clothing, through
their hair, through their somemay be just that they really do

(01:30:59):
love that aesthetic and that'swho they are, but most of the
time they are trying to definetheir own being, their own
identity, their own existence.
And navigating from one extremeto the other is like a seesaw,
because you don't know how tobalance yet, so you just go from
one extreme to the other islike a seesaw, because you don't
know how to balance yet, so youjust go from one end to the
other and back and forth.

(01:31:19):
And that's what I did for thelongest and until I shaved my
head and I let that go anddecided where I was going to be
and I got off the seesaw and letit just kind of rest and then
realize that I don't even needto be on that seesaw.
Seesaw doesn't belong to me.
Um, it really was like I didn'tknow how to transform.
I didn't know how to make thechanges until I did that.

(01:31:40):
Now I'm not saying go out there,shave your head.
I'm not saying, have thisliberating moment, have this
whole thing, but I'm also sayinggo out there and shave your
head and have a liberatingmoment and have a moment.
Or the idea of that, like theidea of shedding something that
is no longer you, the idea ofletting go of the last bit of
you that you're holding on tobecause it has some sort of an
identity attached to it, or somestory of you in your being and

(01:32:02):
hair.
For me was that.
So this is the little previewwe did for our project and me
and my this is my favorite partof ever Like these words, this
Adela, this right here, you getto see like, like raw, almost
naked, almost, and just get tolike.
That is, that was the, that wasthe beginning of me, of Adela

(01:32:25):
today.
Like everything, I'm supposedto be everywhere I'm supposed to
go this whole process like thisis like I breathe.
I never want to go this wholeprocess like this is like I
breathe.
I never want to stop creatinglike that.
That is Adela.
That was Adela, this right here, that was the start of it.

(01:32:46):
This little Adela.
I never want to stop.
I never want to stop creating.
I I, when I started this andthis is again 2020, we're
talking about four years ago now, in this moment, people would
ask me Adela, what do you wantto do?
You got to make a path, you gotto pick a path.
What do you want to do?
And my answer is always I wantto create.
I don't care what, I just wantto create myself the identity of

(01:33:16):
my own existence.
I wanted to create this idea ofAdela, of who she is now, who
she was and who she's supposedto be, but who she is, and
connect her to who I actually am.
And you know that was a hardpart, because when you suffer
from dissociative amnesia, whenyou suffer from the complex ptc

(01:33:38):
that I do, and the memories andthe identification, the
timelines, nothing makes sense,like nothing makes sense in my
life, no matter how long I'vetried to make it, I have four
different timelines in my life.
Things don't add up when theyshould.
Things just are not even whenthey should have been what they
should have been, and then somethings are just like fucked
already or fucked already thatI'll never figure out, okay.

(01:33:59):
So instead of focusing on howto put those timelines that
don't even exist anymoretogether, I had to literally,
like Marvel does and all thatlet those timelines die out.
That doesn't mean they're notthere in their stories and their
histories and their lessons and, like she is, all of that is
not there.
But that was the day that Idecided to create my own

(01:34:21):
timeline.
That was the day that I decidedto create my own path, the day
that I decided that letting goand shedding and having this
moment, this was also my ownbaptism.
I didn't necessarily realizethat I was baptizing myself
through this process until Iwent through it and I did it and
I came to Christ and I was andI'm here now even more in depth

(01:34:44):
than I never thought.
But this was my baptism moment.
This was my moment that I gavemyself away, that I faced my
fears, that I faced everythingthat I, that I decided to face
the the back of my past that Ididn't understand and to win,
and in that moment was in thatmoment was when I won.
In that moment was when I sawmyself and started to see myself

(01:35:07):
for what I was, and from thisbald-headed girl in 2020 to now,
I only had one moment in which,again, like I said, I chopped
my hair, which I did.
I was like, ah, but that wasalso in a moment which I found
out I got some memories back.
Sometimes that'll happen.
You'll get memories back.
You'll get things back that youdidn't expect, that you thought

(01:35:28):
you really thought were pastsome things and you accepted
that you'll never have memoriesof your life and sometimes, in
in ways and shapes and forms, itcomes back to you and it might
be terrible things and you mightinstantly spiral down the path
that you used to know, becauseyou have 30 years of training
versus four years of training onthis.
And for me, I did slightly, butagain, I didn't go to the

(01:35:50):
depths of where I did.
I just chopped my head off, notmy head, my hair, I just did
that now.
And then I spent the next twoyears almost regretting that
decision and I looked at myhusband, I said don't ever let
me do that again, ever like.
Don't.
No, just take the scissors away.
Put them away and give me a hugand it'll be okay.
Let my moment pass.
Don't say I know what I'm.
Don't let like I don't knowwhat I'm doing when I have sharp

(01:36:12):
objects near my hair.
I don't know what I'm doingwhen I have sharp objects near
my hair.
I don't know what I'm doing.
But that's a lesson we bothhave learned now and that's a
lesson we're both going tofollow.
You know, I think we're goingto follow us.
If I ever come up again, chopmy head off, you'll take it away
.
We'll give me a hug, we'll workit through, and that's the part

(01:36:36):
of communication you must havefor yourself to be.
Thank you for taking that longjourney on a reflective road of
adela.
What a wonderful like.
All I can say is that being totoday's being.
I am still adela, I am stilladela to the core, like there.
That person somewhere is inthere and she is still there.
And I am anxious still and I'mscared sometimes still, and I am
.
I overthink, I overanalyze, Ido all the stuff, I am a

(01:37:01):
stickler for everything, I amall the things, but I'm also
someone who gives myself fullgrace and everyone to recognize
that it doesn't fucking matter.
You're here for the, the dayyou live and love for the day.
The future is or is not goingto be here.
You are not guaranteed it.
You may go to bed today andnever wake up.
And so what have you done today?

(01:37:22):
What have you done today?
And if this is all you've donetoday, which is to get up, brush
your teeth, take care ofyourself, put in some effort
towards yourself today, findsome worth Declutter a little
bit and give some time and thenget some rest, okay, okay.
You have to get to the pointwhere you are good with the

(01:37:43):
actions, the decisions you'remaking for yourself on a daily
basis versus everyone else, andgetting to the point where it
doesn't matter whether anybodyelse sees the daily grind or the
daily sleep that you have to dofor a while.
It does not matter.
It also doesn't matter if yourespond to that email or doesn't
respond.
Okay, so you missed anopportunity.
Then go get another one.

(01:38:05):
But the opportunity to take careof yourself, the opportunity to
love yourself, the opportunityto give your body the proper
health and nutrition and care itneeds your mind, your soul,
that fades every second of yourexistence, every moment that you
breathe, that deteriorates.
You are like a car that's justbeen bought brand new car, and
the moment you drive it off thelot, your whole, like the whole

(01:38:28):
value of that car, hasdepreciated.
That's your whole being.
The moment you stepped on thisearth, the whole being of it is.
So you have to care for it, youhave to love it.
Nobody's going to want it,nobody cares for it, nobody is,
and this is just personal levelexperience.
Nobody cares.
So you have to care.

(01:38:50):
And had I not cared enough forme to create, I wouldn't have
cared enough in learning thatcreation is healing.
If I didn't care enough aboutthis existence, about myself as
a human, then I wouldn't be hereto tell you to care enough

(01:39:13):
about yourself.
I wish I could have said moreof tell you to care enough about
yourself.
I wish I could have said moreof that to my friend Tad.
I wish I could have said it indifferent ways.
I wish that he even heard mewhen I said it.
But that's the part that being.

(01:39:35):
The reason I showed you Adelafrom the past is that being was
so unstable and yet she wasthriving and yet she was doing
all these accomplished things.
She is so unstable that, had Idone anything like I had planned
, like I had talked about, likeI had thought about, like I had
attempted and had been followedthrough, the people around me
and everyone around me would behow, how, how, why?

(01:39:56):
She did not look it, she didnot sound like it, she was just.
But all the signs were there,and the only way that I can see
that is by studying myself andthen studying, studying health
and studying what it all means,and looking for those signs and
those symptoms with myself andseeing oh okay, well, that's
well, that's that.
Let's change that.
Oh, okay, that's that, let'sfix that.
Oh, okay, let's makeimprovements here.

(01:40:17):
Whoa, that's a big red flag,adela.
How do we turn it into a greenflag?
All of this has been years andyears and years of working on
myself, and I know, when we talkabout self-help and we talk
about self-care, we go to theseworkshops and go to these places
and people are like and Iworked out and I did nutrition
and I did this and I did that.
I did all of those things too,but I also had full-on

(01:40:42):
conversations, not only withmyself, but with you guys too,
and through art, about what Iwas feeling, whether or not I
understood it, whether or notanybody listened or cared to
listen, and that was anotherthing too.
But I was speaking and then Irealized so many of us speak
that way, we speak in what'sthat word?
Parables I don't know the wordnow it's gone, but it's there.

(01:41:07):
But we speak metaphorically, wespeak in tongues, we speak in
different ways, and if we don'tunderstand the language, of
course we're getting dismissed.
It, of course it's like whatever, you're just speaking, adela,
you're just crazy.
Today, adela, you're justerratic.
Adela, you're hormonal.
Today, adela, you're a woman,and women, you know, we crazy

(01:41:27):
with our emotions, and sure, allthat is true, sure, but that
was the part of me that staystrue forever is that you're not
right about me.
I'm right about me.
You don't know me, you have noidea.
The tenacity that's with me,the resilience, and that's the

(01:41:50):
one part about myself that I seethroughout that I've never lost
is my fight for myself, and Ithink that has been the hardest
thing for everyone around me toeven understand, or others who
have tried to talk to.
Is that I'm not going to, I amnot going to degrade, I'm not
going to sell.

(01:42:10):
I'm not going to put down thevalue of my existence to fit
your box if it's.
If I'm not going to sell, I'mnot going to put down the value
of my existence to fit your box.
If I'm too big for your box,then get a bigger box, man, or
come join mine.
Mine's big enough for everybody.
So at the end of the day, youcan either be the box that
houses everybody or you can makeyourself the smallest box,

(01:42:32):
trying to fit into everybodyelse's boxes that they're
already full and cluttered andthey have no more room for and
you're just going to beforgotten about anyway.
So be your own damn box andmake it as big, as beautiful and
as awesome as it can be,because you deserve it and
you're worth it.
Period, end of discussion.
And nobody needs to know aboutyour box.
Nobody even needs to see yourbox, nobody even needs to like

(01:42:52):
nobody but you now, is it makeit lonely sometimes?
Yes, does it make it hard whenyou're in your space of need and
you want to call someone andhave a conversation with someone
about something and you don'thave that space?
Yes, it does, yes, it does.
But then you turn to God andyou go hey, I really need to
have a conversation with youbecause I'm not understanding
this.
Help me get some clarity, wheream I going wrong with this?

(01:43:12):
And then have that come back tohave the conversation with you
because I'm not understandingthis.
Help me get some clarity, wheream I going wrong with this?
And then have that come back tohave that devil's advocate talk
.
Well, adela, maybe you shoulddo this and maybe this Well, are
you sure about that?
Like, really have a conversationthat doesn't make you crazy.
Talking to yourself and tryingto figure out and process does
not make you crazy.
Maybe talking to three or fourof yourselves doesn't make you

(01:43:34):
crazy either.
Maybe just, you just have toprocess some things out and
maybe you have three differentways that you think and maybe
you know.
But again, I'm not aprofessional here, so I'm not
telling you.
I'm not nothing, because I knowthere's serious illnesses and I
know there's serious levels ofwhat I'm saying.
But I also understand thetherapeutic levels of what we
have and that we should not bedeprived and we should not

(01:43:54):
deprive ourselves of that.
Conversation is natural.
Your being needing to have aconversation, to figure
something out, to process isnatural.
You are not designed to knoweverything.
You are not designed to be ableto figure it all out.
You are not designed to be aone human show.
Or, as for us women, we'd liketo think one woman show.

(01:44:16):
You're not designed.
Are you kidding me?
The amount of energy it takesfor you to just exist as a woman
is three times the energy ittakes for a man to exist.
Are you kidding me?
That's another rant that'll godown on that too.
Because again, the Adela todayversus the Adela then, that was
the independent Adela, that wasthe gung-ho.

(01:44:37):
I could do it all on my own.
There's nothing can stop me.
Adela versus today's adela,like hell, nah, uh-uh, not
happening.
I'm not digging my own grave.
Y'all better make sure that youput me in this basket and you
do that like I'm not doing that.
No, so really seeing yourselffor where you're at, what you
need, giving yourself that, youyourself, and if that means

(01:44:58):
communicating with those aroundyou and saying, hey, guess what,
hubby, I need a year to figureout what I want.
And this year is going to betough.
I may not know everything andit's going to be up and downs
and I'm going to fall off thewagon, but I need you to hold me
accountable because I'm tryingto do this.
So for a year I asked myhusband.
I said I remember this.
After I shaved my head I cameto him and I said this year I'm

(01:45:19):
going to figure out what I want,what I like, what do I want to
eat, what kind of flavors do Ilike, what kind of do I not?
And I figured it out.
I don't like Mexican.
Just come at me, whatever youwant.
Homemade in the house, in myown kitchen, with people or at
somebody's home absolutely 100.
Restaurant style not gonnahappen.
Don't like, it will not happen.
Homemade absolutely 100.

(01:45:41):
I will be in there, I will bewith you because I know that
restaurant style two differentthings, but that's how I feel
about a lot of things.
That's what I learned.
I don't like out eating.
I like cooking.
I don't like this, I like this,I don't want this, I want that.
Now I stand when somebody saysdo you want this, do you like
this?
Like oh, no, it's okay, but I'mwilling to compromise and I'm

(01:46:02):
okay with going there.
No, I don't like it, but I amwilling to go and compromise.
I am absolutely.
Are you into?
I'm okay, because when you havethat conversation to yourself,
you are more than welcome to andbe calmly and confidently,
state what you do like, what youdon't like.
But that doesn't mean you'renot willing to compromise.
I go to, like I said, I go toMexican restaurants all the time
with my family because theylove it.

(01:46:22):
I will go, I will find me athing or two to eat and I'll be
okay.
I'm not stressed.
I want to be with my family, Iwant to enjoy them.
I want to enjoy them.
So it's not about the place,it's not about that.
I want them, but if I know whatI like, if I know where I want
to be, if I know what I want outof a situation, out of
something that I get to createthat experience for me, not in

(01:46:44):
the other way that I used to,because somebody said it,
because then I throw a fit, orthat we do this, or then
everybody would have to agreewith mine because they don't
want to hurt Adela's feelingsand they don't want to make
Adela mad, or we don't want to.
We don't want to ruffle Adela'sfeathers because we don't know
where she's standing at today.
Believe me, all these thingsare true.
All this I'm saying is nothingabout like, this is all what
Adela was compared to.

(01:47:05):
Adela today and again theconversations I'm having with
you is because I really havespent the time self-reflecting,
and and when I tell youself-reflecting, I'm talking
about, like journal writing, I'mtalking about accounting for
myself, I'm talking about mybook, my book of this.
This is just my if you couldsee this, this is just my home

(01:47:28):
child, family care, friends,pets care.
This is literally the thingthat I use to write everything I
need to do with my family, withmy friends, pets care.
This is literally the thingthat I use to write everything I
need to do with my family, withmy friends, with all I'm going
to show.
This is Adela Home care, everyaction I take, every action I
take Home care, family care.
Today is going to be a good daythis way.
Today is going to be a good day.
It's a good day to be happy.

(01:47:49):
I love stickers.
I'm a sticker kind of girl.
So what I'm saying is that ifyou don't, you don't have to be
Adela, okay, you don't have tobe this level crazy to get
things done, but you have tostart somewhere.
So if you start at the lowestof lowest, of just writing your
accomplishments down for today.
Write your damn accomplishmentsdown for today If you start at
the lowest of.

(01:48:10):
Hey, I got out of bed, I mademy bed, I brushed my teeth, I
got dressed, I washed my face, Imade a cup of coffee, I made my
son breakfast, or my kidbreakfast, or my husband
breakfast.
Or, if you're alone, I mademyself breakfast, I fed my cat,
I fed my dog.
That is 10 actions that you'vealready taken.
That is 10 energies.
You guys like to use spoons.
That's, that's what I've heardpeople say spoons and energies.

(01:48:31):
Okay, you've used 10 spoons I'mtalking about you've just used
it depends on how long that hourwas.
You've just used like 50 centsof your time, 50 cents of your
time to get all that stuff.
If that was 50 minutes, 50cents of your time to get
everything done.
I like my, my dollars.
You know time is money, money'stime, that kind of thing.
That makes so much sense to menow that I understand that I'm

(01:48:53):
in control of it and I'm theconstant like I create it.
So my 24 dollars and my 24hours are the same thing and I
don't get a rewire on them.
I don't get like they don'taccumulate more.
I don't.
I don't get more.
And am I really being so goodwith it for myself?
I?
Am I putting my spoons, my time, my money, my hours wisely, my

(01:49:15):
energy, into the wise things formyself?
And if I'm not, then what arethe changes that I have to make?
Be honest with yourself.
That also means that you mayhave to change some friends.
No, excuse me.
You may have to change somefamily structures.
You may have to change someenvironmental structures, some
job structures.
You may have to change someenvironmental structures, some
job structures.

(01:49:35):
You may have to change somethings in your life in order for
you to be where you desire tobe.
You may have to give up a fewthings, but you'll gain so much
more too.
I had been on a path like for mewhen I started this and where I
was going, the trajectory thatI was going was so fast.
I promise you.

(01:49:56):
I promise you, had I stuck tothat, I would be at the top of
my level and my games.
Right now.
I would be everywhere I've saidI would be.
I would be speaking to all thepeople I said I would be
speaking to, but the thing thatI cannot give up for all of that
.
No amount.
Fame, glory, money, accolades,success none of it can replace

(01:50:19):
my existence.
None of it can replace myexistence of my home and of my
son and the feeling I have formy pets and my husband.
None of that can replace that.
None of that.
None of that.
It just makes it easier.
It's just a cherry on top.
It's just this, this here.
That's replace that.
None of that, none of that.
It just makes it easier.
It's just a cherry on top.
It's just this here.
That's it.
That's the baseline.
And are you content with thatbaseline?

(01:50:39):
I am 100%.
Everything else is an addedbonus for me.
Now I am good that peace I foundit.
I create every day.
I live every day.
I create my day daily.
Now, whether or not it pays off, whether or not someone listens
, whether or not people are here, it doesn't matter.
I am very thankful and I thankyou.
I thank you for listening, Ithank you for being here, I
thank you for being almost twohours here on this one.

(01:51:01):
This one's a long one.
I thank you, but at the end ofthe day, none of that matters,
because I matter.
And whether or not, when I walkaway from here, am I happy, am
I good?
Am I solid?
Yes, am I fulfilled?
Yes, everything else doesn'tmatter.
So there's that.

(01:51:21):
Thank you for listening.
I appreciate you.
Until next time, have a blessedday, happy early holidays.
I will talk to you next week,right before Thanksgiving.
Make sure you get that turkeygoing and make sure you eat good
this year.
Be kind to each other, loveyour family, open the doors, be

(01:51:42):
compassionate.
Humans need that.
We need that so much.
You're capable, we're allcapable of that.

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