November 7, 2023 • 33 mins
Are you ready to be inspired? We're thrilled to share a conversation with Ruthie Gray, published author of the book Empty Nest Awakening. Ruthie offers a raw and intimate glimpse into her journey of becoming an author and shares how accountability and trust in God have been her guiding lights. We tie in the importance of self-care, overcoming self-sabotage, and how you can apply these practical tools in your own life.
In an equally compelling segment, Ruthie takes us through her personal experience of caregiving for her parents while balancing homeschooling. The strength she found in faith is truly inspiring as she candidly discusses the overwhelming nature of her responsibilities.
The episode culminates in a discussion on Ruthie's book, guaranteed to offer you encouragement, hope, and a renewed sense of purpose as you navigate this new season in your life. Trust us, you don't want to miss this enlightening conversation and be sure to look out for Ruthie's book, Empty Nest Awakening.
Grab the book here: https://authenticonlinemarketing.com/book
Connect with Ruthie:
Instagram: ruthie_gray_author
Facebook: Authentic Online Marketing with Ruthie Gray
Thanks for listening in!
Follow the host, Mary
Social Media: @maryjohess
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi everyone.
Thank you for joining me foranother episode of the Back 40
podcast.
I'm your host, mary Hess.
So today's guest is Ruthie Grayfrom Authentic Online Marketing
.
She was on earlier this year totalk about caregiving in the
second half of life and we had areally great interview.
(00:22):
And today I'm having her onbecause she has published her
book Empty Nest Awakening and bythe time this podcast airs, it
will be available everywhere.
So we're going to spend timetoday talking about her book,
what she's learned in theprocess of writing the book, and
then, obviously, the contentall about waking up in this
(00:46):
season and finding your purposeand living life to the fullest
and navigating the hard things.
All of these things we're goingto be talking about today.
So I want you to stay tuned.
Ruthie Gray is up next.
Ruthie, thank you so much forjoining me today on the podcast.
(01:11):
I'm so excited about thisinterview.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I'm glad to be here with you again, Mary.
It's always good and funtalking to you.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
I think by the time we finish this year out 2023, we
will have gotten to be on threeinterviews together on the
podcast.
I'm not hating it.
I'm not hating it, I'm notcomplaining about it all for
good, different reasons.
So I'm excited to have you here.
I'm really excited and sothrilled for you because by the
(01:40):
time this podcast airs so as oftoday, it hasn't, but by the
time this podcast airs in acouple of weeks, you will have a
new book out for the world tolisten, to read and listen to if
they have audio and all thejazz.
So yeah, congratulations.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Yes, it's so exciting , so exciting.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Emptiness awakening.
We were just chatting prior tohitting the record button.
Such a timely book because ourgeneration, gen Xers, we're all
hitting this phase and we havelots of questions and,
unfortunately, not everybody'sparents were very talkative
about these major milestones inlife that we hit in the back 40,
(02:24):
but you've put this book outand I have almost all the way
through it.
I am loving it.
It is so good, it's sorefreshing.
I love your writing style.
It sounds just like you.
I feel like you're just sittingthere at the table talking to
me and I'm like that's right.
That's right.
That's how I felt, yay.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
That's good, that's good, so it's really good.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
So to get to this book.
How did this happen?
How did you decide to wake upand write a book one day?
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Well, that was always the dream for years, even when
I was growing up, even when Iwas a kid, and so this is
actually my third book.
I released two books aboutseven or eight years ago on
parenting for young moms relatedto.
(03:17):
One is about mom anger and howwe get frustrated with our kids,
and the other one is mindsetsfor the mom who thinks she's
failing at motherhood, and basedon a passage in scripture.
And so those were ebooks,though there was no hard copy
(03:42):
and no desire, because after I'ddone all the formatting and all
that stuff, I was like forgetthis.
And so I went on with my badself and went on with life and
built my business and I thought,well, you know, if there's
going to be a book, it might be,you know, someday in my
(04:05):
seventies or something like that, but I'm not concerned about
that right now.
And then I started looking at myfriends who were really seeing
books and it seemed like a lotof work, a lot of launching, a
lot of travel, a lot of booksigning and a lot of, just a lot
of work.
I thought, nah, I don't want todo that, that's, I don't need to
(04:27):
do that.
God, thank you for putting mewhere I am.
So at the beginning of everyyear, god gives me a big project
and I'm just kind of prayingabout my year, got my cultivate
planner on and I'm like planningout my quarters and my months
and my goals, and he had beennudging me that way since last
(04:52):
fall and I knew that that wasgoing to be the project for the
year.
So I said okay, but I don'tknow what it's going to be about
.
But the cool thing was when Iannounced it to my followers and
my readers, they were like yes,yes, we want to read it.
(05:15):
And I thought, oh, okay, well,I guess people are ready now.
I've spent years building myplatform, so I guess it's time.
So that's basically how itstarted.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, if I remember correctly I haven't gone back
and listened to the interview,but I believe you said on my
interview and I'm going to writea book this year, and I was
like what?
Oh my gosh, that's a bigstatement to put out there.
Okay, yay, because that's Imean I do.
I haven't published a book, butShannon and I are in the middle
(05:52):
of, and have been in the middlefor a while.
I've written a book and it is alot of work.
I don't think people realizeit's not just the writing, it's
then it's the editing and it'smaking sure your thoughts are
cohesive and you're notrepeating yourself.
you know 10,000 words later andsaying the same thing over and
over again and having someonelook at it and tell you to fix
(06:13):
these things and update theseparts, all of that, all the
stuff.
But you did it, it's here, it'scoming out and it's releasing
on October, the 17th.
Next week, yes, next week.
Yeah, it's so great.
A double party yes, woohoo.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You know, and one of the reasons yeah, yeah, we're
definitely having a virtual butone of the reasons that I told
everybody that I was writing abook this year was to keep
myself accountable.
Sure, and I wouldn't have donethat had I not really believed
(06:54):
that the Lord wanted me to dothat, and so I knew that if he
wanted me to do it, he wouldguide me and help me to know the
exact topic.
Know the exact topic and theroute to go to write it and to
(07:16):
have it edited.
And I had editor friends, so Iknew that I was going to have
them.
You know, look at it.
But I also knew that I neededdirection, I needed a
developmental editor and Ineeded someone to format the
book and make the cover, becauseI was not doing that and I was
(07:39):
already running my business.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So I just, you know, prayed about every step, and the
Lord just brought it alltogether.
It was amazing.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
So good, so so good.
Well, it's, it's.
It looks beautiful.
Obviously, I don't have my hardcopy yet I haven't ordered but
even just I love the formattingof it and I love how you make
space at the end of the chaptersfor people to write their
thoughts or to answer somequestions that you ask.
And just beautifully designed,it's just very comforting and
(08:13):
soothing, which I think isreally cool, because you're
talking about emptiness,awakening, and you're talking
about we're going through thisbig transition and you want to
stir up hope and you knowpurpose and all those things
inside of us as we're reading it.
But at the same time, the bookfeels comforting and soothing
(08:33):
and okay, we can do this thatkind of atmosphere that it feels
like it creates.
So it's really really, reallycool.
I like the way you have it setup.
So let's talk a little bit aboutwhat you wrote about.
Let's talk about the phrasethat you use, the sandwich
season.
Let's talk about that first,because that one's kind of near
(08:55):
and dear to my heart.
So what in the heck do you meanby the sandwich season?
Speaker 2 (09:00):
Well, you are squished in the middle.
You're like the ham and cheeseand the bread is kind of a
little bit splattered.
You know, the ham and cheese isjust like spreading everywhere.
Sometimes the bacon is fallingout.
The bread is the two ends.
So the one end.
(09:21):
On the one end you've got youradult kids and your grandkids.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Or if you don't have them, they're coming Right.
And on the other end you've gotyour parents and caregiving
duties.
And the thing about thesandwich season is you get to
show up for everyone'semergencies and joyous events.
(09:46):
It's not all under your roofanymore like it used to be.
For all those years when allthe kids were home, you could
manage the chaos.
Then it was all under your roof.
You get to, you got to call theshots, like if they were going
to go to a birthday party, thebasketball scene and the whole
(10:11):
you know cycle of running hereand there, with sports and music
lessons and all that.
But once you're in the sandwichseason, things start happening
beyond your control.
Your kids are out, maybe theyare in an accident, and you
don't even know it because youdon't know they're out because
(10:32):
they're out, or your mom has astroke, like mine did, and it's
just.
You know, all of a sudden, oneday For me, I was an only child
and I was thrown into thecaregiving immediately because,
not just mere months after that,my dad was in a terrible car
(10:55):
accident and just one thingright after the other.
So it's just, there's nocontrolling the chaos.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
Yeah, yeah, a lot of.
I have several friends who arein the middle of this right now
and I watch because I realizedthat very quickly that's going
to be me and my siblings in themiddle of we.
I still have one more child athome, so, but she's graduating
(11:24):
high school this year, so we'reright at the end of it and, of
course, you know my parents aregetting older and I was just in
Kentucky my mom had a kneereplacement, so the siblings, we
were all taking turns, you know, being up there and travel and
all the things you know.
So it's an interesting.
I just I like that phrase, thatdescriptive that you use.
(11:47):
I thought it's very apropos.
It definitely fits that it'snot necessarily that you don't
fit anywhere, it's that I don't.
It's like you could be at anygiven time.
You fit everywhere, yes, yes,you're the hub, yeah, yeah, yeah
.
So it's really, it's really.
(12:10):
It's really an interesting timeof life when you are, when
you're navigating, when you'renavigating that season, you know
, only to eventually be theparent receiving the caregiving.
It's like this never endingcycle of just you know moving
forward and all of that.
So, yeah, how, if you had tokind of phrase our sum up in
(12:34):
just a few sentences, what doyou want people to grab from
this book when they read it,when they pick it up?
What should they walk away with?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Ultimately, I want them to walk away with hope that
there is purpose in theirseason, that there is purpose in
the grief of an era gone by.
There's purpose in the grief ofthe change of now.
But it's not just grief, thereis hope.
(13:07):
There's hope of something tocome, of grasping and embracing
a new life for yourself and thatyou can fit in time for
yourself and to explore perhapsold passions that are being
(13:29):
uncovered, like my writing, ormaybe they're new and maybe it's
not.
Maybe you want to start abusiness on the side or
something like that.
Or maybe you want to learnZumba, or you know, I don't know
learn to knit or balance, play,dance, or I don't know.
(13:51):
But there's something there andI want to encourage moms in
this season to fight for sometime for yourself, so that you
can find yourself again.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah, that's so good.
It's really hard to do thatwhen you've been on autopilot
for years of making sure thatyour children are taken care of,
that all of the duties arehandled and all the schedules
are coordinated and suppersready and lunches are packed and
PTA meetings are happening andteacher conferences, and then
(14:29):
all of a sudden you don't havethat stuff anymore.
You don't have to worry aboutthat.
So I find that it is.
I was just talking about this inone of my last podcasts when I
was covering going throughmenopause, how we have to
advocate for ourselves.
We have to take care ofourselves, because this season
(14:51):
of life we have a lot of thingsthat are changing all at once
and it's easy to get overwhelmedand feel like no one's
listening or is paying attentionor sees.
You know, all of this stuff,you're balancing new things in
different ways and the thingsthat worked in the last season
don't work in this season.
(15:12):
You know, like in menopause Iwas saying, the exercises you
did back then aren't theexercises that you want to do
now for longevity and health andthose sorts of things.
So it's the same kind ofconcept, right?
We want to make sure that we'redoing those things.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Yeah, it's a new.
We have to figure out what thepatterns are, and often there's
no pattern.
It's almost like it's not evencontrolled chaos because, like I
said, you don't know when yourparents' health is going to go
south and you don't know howmany times they're going to fall
, and you just you can't controlwhen the doctor wants to
(15:54):
operate and you also can'tcontrol when a new grandson is
going to be born or that yourdaughter that saw she was not
going to have kids for at leasttwo years after she got married
ends up having a baby ninemonths after the wedding.
(16:14):
You can't control any of that,and so trying to carve out a
little time for yourself forjust self care and some hope are
definitely it's just soimportant and integral because
you do end up being the hub andtaking care of others.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yeah, so what kind of ?
If you have some examples orsome thoughts about what did
that look like for you?
How did you, how did you findthat?
How did you find ways to carvethat out for yourself?
What did that in the midst ofall that chaos in your life?
Obviously, you're writing fromexample and from having walked
some of this journey and arestill walking it, but what does
(17:01):
that look like exactly?
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Well… First it looked like I just was trying to fix
everything.
I thought if I could fix thisthen I could go back to my life,
because when my caregivingjourney started, my kids were
actually all still home, but twowere in college, in local
(17:27):
colleges, and the other two werehomeschooled in high school.
I had just pulled them out ofschool to homeschool them.
Wow Now, we had homeschooled inprevious years, but this was a
family decision together.
(17:48):
I knew it was of God.
I knew that he had orchestratedthat.
And then everything fell apart.
My husband had actually.
The day that my mom had herstroke was supposed to be our
first day of school and my girlswere waiting in the hallway for
me to tell them what to do.
(18:08):
To start with, my husband wasin the hospital.
I had just followed theambulance to the hospital the
night before he had had anemergency.
I'm getting ready to go see himat the hospital when my dad
(18:28):
calls and says I think yourmother's had a stroke.
I was just so overwhelmed Ijust couldn't figure out what to
do.
I was running up and down thestairs crying, and my daughters
were just like.
I felt so bad for them.
They felt bad for me Right.
(18:49):
I was like what am I going todo?
I called my husband and he saidyou're going to have to go and
take control of that situation.
I did.
I called an ambulance and allthat stuff.
Then it just one thing builtafter another.
At one point I was in thehospital and I had to go in the
(19:15):
hallway because I wasn't gettingthe answers that I wanted from
the doctors, because issues weremelting and uncovering that my
dad had that nobody knew becausehe hadn't been asking questions
and telling his doctor aboutthings because he wasn't paying
attention to his body.
(19:35):
And my mom hadn't really donethat either.
They were keeping up with theirdoctor's visits, but they
weren't asking any questions ornoticing anything.
I knew that I was going to haveto be the one to ask all the
questions and go to all of thevisits, and I just had a
(19:55):
breakdown in the middle of thehallway one day and in the
hospital I thought I can't dothis.
I can't do all of this.
I just want to fix this and getback to my life.
It was an impression of the Lordthat he said this is the plan
(20:16):
now.
Oh wow.
I finally came to accept that.
It took me a while.
But once I accepted that theplan was just going to be
chaotic for a while but that Godwas in it, then I just learned
to do the next thing and thenext thing, and the next thing
(20:37):
and figure out what the toppriorities were and what the
classes were going to be for mygirls and what should they do
today and tomorrow and for thisweek.
And then I would carve time, Iwould take my gym bag to the
hospital and just run over tothe Y and just get on that
(21:00):
elliptical and sweat it out for30 minutes and come back and
feel like I could handle thenext emergency and the next.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
Yeah, yeah, that's a.
I was just thinking while youwere talking.
I was like, okay, how would I?
I would just lay down on thefloor and go.
Okay, I quit tapping out.
I'm tapping out right now.
I don't know that I could.
It's a lot.
What did you find as far asyour, your relationship with God
during that time Were you?
(21:31):
Was it easy to?
Were you having to?
Did it feel like I'm having tograb just moments, or could you
just did you just know he waswith you and that kind of helped
you through the season?
Like what was it like?
Relying on him and, I guess,being able to recharge
spiritually?
The gym is great.
I would be probably doing thesame thing, but like what, what
(21:53):
was that like for you in thatseason?
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Well, thankfully, I had cultivated that early
morning hour for myself.
That just works, yeah, and Ihad been fighting for that time
for years.
And so that was already inplace and, even if it was just a
short time, already knew what Iwas going to read.
(22:16):
I already had my place, youknow, and, and so On the days
when an emergency happened, or Ihad to be at hospital at 6am to
meet with, to chase downanother doctor like a
neurologist, I just knew thatGod was with me.
(22:38):
I just would pray and I wouldpray scripture.
I prayed scripture all the time.
I had picked up Beth Moore'spraying God's word years before
that, and so I was already inthe habit of that.
And when I would have mydevotions, I would underline
verses and I would write themdown on three buff off cards and
(23:02):
I would take them with me and Iwould just keep praying.
And I had praise songs on myradio and CDs and oftentimes I
would just lift my hands while Iwas driving, you know, and
worship, because I knew that Ineeded to worship, because if I
(23:24):
didn't I was going to get caughtup in, you know, self-sabotage
and selfish thoughts.
Yeah, and because I did that,it kept me on track so that I
was able to hear the HolySpirit's nudge, just like that
day that I heard.
This is the plan now walkie init.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
I don't like that.
Okay, but okay.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Yeah, it wasn't easy to accept.
None of it was easy to accept.
It was a very uncomfortabletime of life and it continued
for I mean, I'm going on my 14thyear of caregiving.
My dad finally passed threeyears ago, in 2020, but it was
(24:14):
real difficult tag teaming theboth of them.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Yeah, I cannot, I cannot imagine.
I love what you said aboutgrabbing those moments.
I was just sharing on Sunday atchurch how I went through a
season where I've self-sabotagedand it just felt like, you know
, the enemy was really alsocoming at me and kind of adding
(24:39):
fuel to the fire.
But I would write downscripture on three by five cards
, because we didn't have asmartphone at the time.
No, no, no, no.
But I would write them down onthree by five cards and I had a
little, those little metal ringsthat you could punch a hole in
and keep them connected, and I'dbe at a red light and I'd pull
those three by five cards outand I would say I have the mind
(25:01):
of Christ and you know all thescriptures that I would try to
memorize and how it made such adifference being able to pray
the word of God and just grabthose moments, like you said,
because he's always with us.
But it definitely keeps ourtank full so that we're not
(25:23):
pulling on other things to tryto fill us up and walking away
empty-handed.
That's, that's so good, Allright.
One more thing let's chat about.
I don't want to keep you allday because I know you are just
booked full of these interviewsand I really appreciate you
taking time.
This is great.
This is great.
Talk about leaving a legacy.
(25:44):
I've talked about that quite afew times this year in the
podcast in season two, and Ifind it's been a really hot
topic.
Of you know, in our age, youstart rethinking like okay, why
am I doing this?
What is, what is the purposehere?
Is it, you know, just for me?
Is it to so talk about leavinga legacy and what that looks
(26:07):
like for you, and even in thisbook?
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Yeah, there's a.
There's a chapter about what doyou want your legacy to be.
I refer back to that old pizzaTombstone Pizza commercial.
What do you want on yourtombstone?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it was presented to me on apodcast, sue Donaldson's Welcome
(26:35):
Heart podcast and she said whatdo you want your legacy to be,
which is a question that sheregularly asks her guests.
And I knew she was going to askme that because she sent me the
questions and I was like, oh,what am I going to say?
I better start thinking aboutthis.
But, and so it did really forceme.
(26:57):
And then I in turn asked someof my people in my community and
my mentorship what do you wantyour legacy to be?
And one of them said you'realways pushing us to think,
aren't you?
Well, it's just because we need.
We need those pushes, thosegentle nudges, and I realized
(27:21):
that truly, I wanted my legacyto be one of courage.
I come from a long line of fearmongers and I talk about it in
the book.
My grandma was.
She gave into fear and shenever left the house.
But my dad, who was a carboncopy of her, overcame fear and
(27:48):
became a pastor and a publicspeaker and led many people to
the Lord and that has had aripple effect across countries
and worldwide.
As he's led even.
There was an even an atheist inour little town that he would.
He would follow every day notevery day, but he would.
(28:12):
He would meet them at his houseand follow him to milk his cow
after he came home from work andjust sit there and just be with
him and talk to him.
And this guy came to know theLord and became a missionary to
Mexico.
He's still there.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Um, many souls have been saved because of that, and
so I wanted to follow in mydad's path, and I have, uh, as
far as being public, but it tookme a while, and you'll read in
the book.
It took me a while to face whatGod was asking me to do to go
public and to build a platform,and it's scary for we women, but
(28:55):
the thing about a legacy is, inthis stage of life, we realize
that we don't have much timeleft.
We've lived likely over half ofour lives.
It's time to stop messingaround.
It's time to stop playing small.
It's time to start doingwhatever it is that God wants us
to do next.
(29:15):
And, honestly, it's not thathard to figure out.
If you look at what the desiresare, if you're meeting with the
Lord, look at the gentle nudgesthat he's giving you and the
desires that you already have,and a lot of times we just
(29:36):
question well, why do I want todo this?
Oftentimes, it's been put therebecause God put it there right
and don't question it so much.
So think about what do you wantyour legacy to be and how does
that line up with your desires?
Speaker 1 (29:53):
That's so good.
That's so very good.
It's so important I use thephrase all the time what brings
you joy, what makes you comealive inside when you start
talking about things that you?
Want to do, or gifts that Godhas placed inside of you.
They're not there by accident.
How can you use those indifferent areas?
(30:16):
And what does that look like?
What makes you just absolutelycome alive and press into that?
That's so, so very good, ruthie.
Tell us how we can find thisbook, please.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Okay, well, you can go to that.
You can try two differentthings.
One is easier than the other.
You can either go toauthenticonlinemarketingcom
slash book that is my website oryou can go to RuthieGraycom,
and either way you will get tothe book page and you can read
(30:49):
all about it and you can orderthe book.
It's everywhere.
It's books a million, it'sTarget, it's, you know, walmart,
it's Amazon, all the places,and you can get a digital copy
or you can get a hard copy,which I recommend the hard copy
because it's it's fun to holdand it's fun to write in, it's
(31:12):
the answers to your questionsand it's it's soft and it's got
a nice little grippable matcover and I'm holding it.
I'm holding the proof.
I'm holding the proof right now.
So Mary is salivating as shesees me, I know.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
I am.
I can't wait.
I can't wait to get mine.
It needs to hurry up and gethere already.
Oh, that's so good.
Well, I will have all of thatinformation in the show notes so
everybody can just click rightthrough and order their copy.
Ruthie, thank you so much forbeing with me today and talking
about the book.
It was such an honor to haveyou on the podcast again.
(31:50):
If I could have you on here allthe time, I would.
I love talking with you.
You bring such life and joy andencouragement.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
I do too.
We have, and your podcast isjust.
It's about all the topics thatI'm living or have lived in the
last 10 to 15 years, likemenopause and all that other
junk.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
Yes, all that other junk, all the other stuff, we
really do need some kind ofhandbook, some kind of guide.
I mean, you know, we just needsome kind of guide for all of
this stuff.
Well, thank you so much foryour contribution to helping all
of us navigate this new seasonin the back 40, giving us hope
(32:33):
and encouragement, pushing us alittle bit to step out of our
comfort zones and take chancesand risks and think about what
effect we are having on thegenerations behind us and what
we're going to be leaving as wenavigate the next season of life
.
So I really do appreciate youbeing here and thank you
(32:56):
everyone for joining us foranother episode of the back 40
podcast.
I will have all of Ruthie'sinformation, including links to
the book, in the show notes.
So y'all take care and we'llsee you on another episode soon.
Hi everyone.
Thank you for joining me foranother episode of the Back 40
podcast.
I'm your host, mary Hess.
So today's guest is Ruthie Grayfrom Authentic Online Marketing
.
She was on earlier this year totalk about caregiving in the
second half of life and we had areally great interview.
(00:22):
And today I'm having her onbecause she has published her
book Empty Nest Awakening and bythe time this podcast airs, it
will be available everywhere.
So we're going to spend timetoday talking about her book,
what she's learned in theprocess of writing the book, and
then, obviously, the contentall about waking up in this
(00:46):
season and finding your purposeand living life to the fullest
and navigating the hard things.
All of these things we're goingto be talking about today.
So I want you to stay tuned.
Ruthie Gray is up next.
Ruthie, thank you so much forjoining me today on the podcast.
(01:11):
I'm so excited about thisinterview.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I'm glad to be here with you again, Mary.
It's always good and funtalking to you.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
I think by the time we finish this year out 2023, we
will have gotten to be on threeinterviews together on the
podcast.
I'm not hating it.
I'm not hating it, I'm notcomplaining about it all for
good, different reasons.
So I'm excited to have you here.
I'm really excited and sothrilled for you because by the
(01:40):
time this podcast airs so as oftoday, it hasn't, but by the
time this podcast airs in acouple of weeks, you will have a
new book out for the world tolisten, to read and listen to if
they have audio and all thejazz.
So yeah, congratulations.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Yes, it's so exciting , so exciting.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Emptiness awakening.
We were just chatting prior tohitting the record button.
Such a timely book because ourgeneration, gen Xers, we're all
hitting this phase and we havelots of questions and,
unfortunately, not everybody'sparents were very talkative
about these major milestones inlife that we hit in the back 40,
(02:24):
but you've put this book outand I have almost all the way
through it.
I am loving it.
It is so good, it's sorefreshing.
I love your writing style.
It sounds just like you.
I feel like you're just sittingthere at the table talking to
me and I'm like that's right.
That's right.
That's how I felt, yay.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
That's good, that's good, so it's really good.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
So to get to this book.
How did this happen?
How did you decide to wake upand write a book one day?
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Well, that was always the dream for years, even when
I was growing up, even when Iwas a kid, and so this is
actually my third book.
I released two books aboutseven or eight years ago on
parenting for young moms relatedto.
(03:17):
One is about mom anger and howwe get frustrated with our kids,
and the other one is mindsetsfor the mom who thinks she's
failing at motherhood, and basedon a passage in scripture.
And so those were ebooks,though there was no hard copy
(03:42):
and no desire, because after I'ddone all the formatting and all
that stuff, I was like forgetthis.
And so I went on with my badself and went on with life and
built my business and I thought,well, you know, if there's
going to be a book, it might be,you know, someday in my
(04:05):
seventies or something like that, but I'm not concerned about
that right now.
And then I started looking at myfriends who were really seeing
books and it seemed like a lotof work, a lot of launching, a
lot of travel, a lot of booksigning and a lot of, just a lot
of work.
I thought, nah, I don't want todo that, that's, I don't need to
(04:27):
do that.
God, thank you for putting mewhere I am.
So at the beginning of everyyear, god gives me a big project
and I'm just kind of prayingabout my year, got my cultivate
planner on and I'm like planningout my quarters and my months
and my goals, and he had beennudging me that way since last
(04:52):
fall and I knew that that wasgoing to be the project for the
year.
So I said okay, but I don'tknow what it's going to be about
.
But the cool thing was when Iannounced it to my followers and
my readers, they were like yes,yes, we want to read it.
(05:15):
And I thought, oh, okay, well,I guess people are ready now.
I've spent years building myplatform, so I guess it's time.
So that's basically how itstarted.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, if I remember correctly I haven't gone back
and listened to the interview,but I believe you said on my
interview and I'm going to writea book this year, and I was
like what?
Oh my gosh, that's a bigstatement to put out there.
Okay, yay, because that's Imean I do.
I haven't published a book, butShannon and I are in the middle
(05:52):
of, and have been in the middlefor a while.
I've written a book and it is alot of work.
I don't think people realizeit's not just the writing, it's
then it's the editing and it'smaking sure your thoughts are
cohesive and you're notrepeating yourself.
you know 10,000 words later andsaying the same thing over and
over again and having someonelook at it and tell you to fix
(06:13):
these things and update theseparts, all of that, all the
stuff.
But you did it, it's here, it'scoming out and it's releasing
on October, the 17th.
Next week, yes, next week.
Yeah, it's so great.
A double party yes, woohoo.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You know, and one of the reasons yeah, yeah, we're
definitely having a virtual butone of the reasons that I told
everybody that I was writing abook this year was to keep
myself accountable.
Sure, and I wouldn't have donethat had I not really believed
(06:54):
that the Lord wanted me to dothat, and so I knew that if he
wanted me to do it, he wouldguide me and help me to know the
exact topic.
Know the exact topic and theroute to go to write it and to
(07:16):
have it edited.
And I had editor friends, so Iknew that I was going to have
them.
You know, look at it.
But I also knew that I neededdirection, I needed a
developmental editor and Ineeded someone to format the
book and make the cover, becauseI was not doing that and I was
(07:39):
already running my business.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So I just, you know, prayed about every step, and the
Lord just brought it alltogether.
It was amazing.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
So good, so so good.
Well, it's, it's.
It looks beautiful.
Obviously, I don't have my hardcopy yet I haven't ordered but
even just I love the formattingof it and I love how you make
space at the end of the chaptersfor people to write their
thoughts or to answer somequestions that you ask.
And just beautifully designed,it's just very comforting and
(08:13):
soothing, which I think isreally cool, because you're
talking about emptiness,awakening, and you're talking
about we're going through thisbig transition and you want to
stir up hope and you knowpurpose and all those things
inside of us as we're reading it.
But at the same time, the bookfeels comforting and soothing
(08:33):
and okay, we can do this thatkind of atmosphere that it feels
like it creates.
So it's really really, reallycool.
I like the way you have it setup.
So let's talk a little bit aboutwhat you wrote about.
Let's talk about the phrasethat you use, the sandwich
season.
Let's talk about that first,because that one's kind of near
(08:55):
and dear to my heart.
So what in the heck do you meanby the sandwich season?
Speaker 2 (09:00):
Well, you are squished in the middle.
You're like the ham and cheeseand the bread is kind of a
little bit splattered.
You know, the ham and cheese isjust like spreading everywhere.
Sometimes the bacon is fallingout.
The bread is the two ends.
So the one end.
(09:21):
On the one end you've got youradult kids and your grandkids.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Or if you don't have them, they're coming Right.
And on the other end you've gotyour parents and caregiving
duties.
And the thing about thesandwich season is you get to
show up for everyone'semergencies and joyous events.
(09:46):
It's not all under your roofanymore like it used to be.
For all those years when allthe kids were home, you could
manage the chaos.
Then it was all under your roof.
You get to, you got to call theshots, like if they were going
to go to a birthday party, thebasketball scene and the whole
(10:11):
you know cycle of running hereand there, with sports and music
lessons and all that.
But once you're in the sandwichseason, things start happening
beyond your control.
Your kids are out, maybe theyare in an accident, and you
don't even know it because youdon't know they're out because
(10:32):
they're out, or your mom has astroke, like mine did, and it's
just.
You know, all of a sudden, oneday For me, I was an only child
and I was thrown into thecaregiving immediately because,
not just mere months after that,my dad was in a terrible car
(10:55):
accident and just one thingright after the other.
So it's just, there's nocontrolling the chaos.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
Yeah, yeah, a lot of.
I have several friends who arein the middle of this right now
and I watch because I realizedthat very quickly that's going
to be me and my siblings in themiddle of we.
I still have one more child athome, so, but she's graduating
(11:24):
high school this year, so we'reright at the end of it and, of
course, you know my parents aregetting older and I was just in
Kentucky my mom had a kneereplacement, so the siblings, we
were all taking turns, you know, being up there and travel and
all the things you know.
So it's an interesting.
I just I like that phrase, thatdescriptive that you use.
(11:47):
I thought it's very apropos.
It definitely fits that it'snot necessarily that you don't
fit anywhere, it's that I don't.
It's like you could be at anygiven time.
You fit everywhere, yes, yes,you're the hub, yeah, yeah, yeah
.
So it's really, it's really.
(12:10):
It's really an interesting timeof life when you are, when
you're navigating, when you'renavigating that season, you know
, only to eventually be theparent receiving the caregiving.
It's like this never endingcycle of just you know moving
forward and all of that.
So, yeah, how, if you had tokind of phrase our sum up in
(12:34):
just a few sentences, what doyou want people to grab from
this book when they read it,when they pick it up?
What should they walk away with?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Ultimately, I want them to walk away with hope that
there is purpose in theirseason, that there is purpose in
the grief of an era gone by.
There's purpose in the grief ofthe change of now.
But it's not just grief, thereis hope.
(13:07):
There's hope of something tocome, of grasping and embracing
a new life for yourself and thatyou can fit in time for
yourself and to explore perhapsold passions that are being
(13:29):
uncovered, like my writing, ormaybe they're new and maybe it's
not.
Maybe you want to start abusiness on the side or
something like that.
Or maybe you want to learnZumba, or you know, I don't know
learn to knit or balance, play,dance, or I don't know.
(13:51):
But there's something there andI want to encourage moms in
this season to fight for sometime for yourself, so that you
can find yourself again.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah, that's so good.
It's really hard to do thatwhen you've been on autopilot
for years of making sure thatyour children are taken care of,
that all of the duties arehandled and all the schedules
are coordinated and suppersready and lunches are packed and
PTA meetings are happening andteacher conferences, and then
(14:29):
all of a sudden you don't havethat stuff anymore.
You don't have to worry aboutthat.
So I find that it is.
I was just talking about this inone of my last podcasts when I
was covering going throughmenopause, how we have to
advocate for ourselves.
We have to take care ofourselves, because this season
(14:51):
of life we have a lot of thingsthat are changing all at once
and it's easy to get overwhelmedand feel like no one's
listening or is paying attentionor sees.
You know, all of this stuff,you're balancing new things in
different ways and the thingsthat worked in the last season
don't work in this season.
(15:12):
You know, like in menopause Iwas saying, the exercises you
did back then aren't theexercises that you want to do
now for longevity and health andthose sorts of things.
So it's the same kind ofconcept, right?
We want to make sure that we'redoing those things.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Yeah, it's a new.
We have to figure out what thepatterns are, and often there's
no pattern.
It's almost like it's not evencontrolled chaos because, like I
said, you don't know when yourparents' health is going to go
south and you don't know howmany times they're going to fall
, and you just you can't controlwhen the doctor wants to
(15:54):
operate and you also can'tcontrol when a new grandson is
going to be born or that yourdaughter that saw she was not
going to have kids for at leasttwo years after she got married
ends up having a baby ninemonths after the wedding.
(16:14):
You can't control any of that,and so trying to carve out a
little time for yourself forjust self care and some hope are
definitely it's just soimportant and integral because
you do end up being the hub andtaking care of others.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yeah, so what kind of ?
If you have some examples orsome thoughts about what did
that look like for you?
How did you, how did you findthat?
How did you find ways to carvethat out for yourself?
What did that in the midst ofall that chaos in your life?
Obviously, you're writing fromexample and from having walked
some of this journey and arestill walking it, but what does
(17:01):
that look like exactly?
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Well… First it looked like I just was trying to fix
everything.
I thought if I could fix thisthen I could go back to my life,
because when my caregivingjourney started, my kids were
actually all still home, but twowere in college, in local
(17:27):
colleges, and the other two werehomeschooled in high school.
I had just pulled them out ofschool to homeschool them.
Wow Now, we had homeschooled inprevious years, but this was a
family decision together.
(17:48):
I knew it was of God.
I knew that he had orchestratedthat.
And then everything fell apart.
My husband had actually.
The day that my mom had herstroke was supposed to be our
first day of school and my girlswere waiting in the hallway for
me to tell them what to do.
(18:08):
To start with, my husband wasin the hospital.
I had just followed theambulance to the hospital the
night before he had had anemergency.
I'm getting ready to go see himat the hospital when my dad
(18:28):
calls and says I think yourmother's had a stroke.
I was just so overwhelmed Ijust couldn't figure out what to
do.
I was running up and down thestairs crying, and my daughters
were just like.
I felt so bad for them.
They felt bad for me Right.
(18:49):
I was like what am I going todo?
I called my husband and he saidyou're going to have to go and
take control of that situation.
I did.
I called an ambulance and allthat stuff.
Then it just one thing builtafter another.
At one point I was in thehospital and I had to go in the
(19:15):
hallway because I wasn't gettingthe answers that I wanted from
the doctors, because issues weremelting and uncovering that my
dad had that nobody knew becausehe hadn't been asking questions
and telling his doctor aboutthings because he wasn't paying
attention to his body.
(19:35):
And my mom hadn't really donethat either.
They were keeping up with theirdoctor's visits, but they
weren't asking any questions ornoticing anything.
I knew that I was going to haveto be the one to ask all the
questions and go to all of thevisits, and I just had a
(19:55):
breakdown in the middle of thehallway one day and in the
hospital I thought I can't dothis.
I can't do all of this.
I just want to fix this and getback to my life.
It was an impression of the Lordthat he said this is the plan
(20:16):
now.
Oh wow.
I finally came to accept that.
It took me a while.
But once I accepted that theplan was just going to be
chaotic for a while but that Godwas in it, then I just learned
to do the next thing and thenext thing, and the next thing
(20:37):
and figure out what the toppriorities were and what the
classes were going to be for mygirls and what should they do
today and tomorrow and for thisweek.
And then I would carve time, Iwould take my gym bag to the
hospital and just run over tothe Y and just get on that
(21:00):
elliptical and sweat it out for30 minutes and come back and
feel like I could handle thenext emergency and the next.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
Yeah, yeah, that's a.
I was just thinking while youwere talking.
I was like, okay, how would I?
I would just lay down on thefloor and go.
Okay, I quit tapping out.
I'm tapping out right now.
I don't know that I could.
It's a lot.
What did you find as far asyour, your relationship with God
during that time Were you?
(21:31):
Was it easy to?
Were you having to?
Did it feel like I'm having tograb just moments, or could you
just did you just know he waswith you and that kind of helped
you through the season?
Like what was it like?
Relying on him and, I guess,being able to recharge
spiritually?
The gym is great.
I would be probably doing thesame thing, but like what, what
(21:53):
was that like for you in thatseason?
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Well, thankfully, I had cultivated that early
morning hour for myself.
That just works, yeah, and Ihad been fighting for that time
for years.
And so that was already inplace and, even if it was just a
short time, already knew what Iwas going to read.
(22:16):
I already had my place, youknow, and, and so On the days
when an emergency happened, or Ihad to be at hospital at 6am to
meet with, to chase downanother doctor like a
neurologist, I just knew thatGod was with me.
(22:38):
I just would pray and I wouldpray scripture.
I prayed scripture all the time.
I had picked up Beth Moore'spraying God's word years before
that, and so I was already inthe habit of that.
And when I would have mydevotions, I would underline
verses and I would write themdown on three buff off cards and
(23:02):
I would take them with me and Iwould just keep praying.
And I had praise songs on myradio and CDs and oftentimes I
would just lift my hands while Iwas driving, you know, and
worship, because I knew that Ineeded to worship, because if I
(23:24):
didn't I was going to get caughtup in, you know, self-sabotage
and selfish thoughts.
Yeah, and because I did that,it kept me on track so that I
was able to hear the HolySpirit's nudge, just like that
day that I heard.
This is the plan now walkie init.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
I don't like that.
Okay, but okay.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Yeah, it wasn't easy to accept.
None of it was easy to accept.
It was a very uncomfortabletime of life and it continued
for I mean, I'm going on my 14thyear of caregiving.
My dad finally passed threeyears ago, in 2020, but it was
(24:14):
real difficult tag teaming theboth of them.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Yeah, I cannot, I cannot imagine.
I love what you said aboutgrabbing those moments.
I was just sharing on Sunday atchurch how I went through a
season where I've self-sabotagedand it just felt like, you know
, the enemy was really alsocoming at me and kind of adding
(24:39):
fuel to the fire.
But I would write downscripture on three by five cards
, because we didn't have asmartphone at the time.
No, no, no, no.
But I would write them down onthree by five cards and I had a
little, those little metal ringsthat you could punch a hole in
and keep them connected, and I'dbe at a red light and I'd pull
those three by five cards outand I would say I have the mind
(25:01):
of Christ and you know all thescriptures that I would try to
memorize and how it made such adifference being able to pray
the word of God and just grabthose moments, like you said,
because he's always with us.
But it definitely keeps ourtank full so that we're not
(25:23):
pulling on other things to tryto fill us up and walking away
empty-handed.
That's, that's so good, Allright.
One more thing let's chat about.
I don't want to keep you allday because I know you are just
booked full of these interviewsand I really appreciate you
taking time.
This is great.
This is great.
Talk about leaving a legacy.
(25:44):
I've talked about that quite afew times this year in the
podcast in season two, and Ifind it's been a really hot
topic.
Of you know, in our age, youstart rethinking like okay, why
am I doing this?
What is, what is the purposehere?
Is it, you know, just for me?
Is it to so talk about leavinga legacy and what that looks
(26:07):
like for you, and even in thisbook?
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Yeah, there's a.
There's a chapter about what doyou want your legacy to be.
I refer back to that old pizzaTombstone Pizza commercial.
What do you want on yourtombstone?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it was presented to me on apodcast, sue Donaldson's Welcome
(26:35):
Heart podcast and she said whatdo you want your legacy to be,
which is a question that sheregularly asks her guests.
And I knew she was going to askme that because she sent me the
questions and I was like, oh,what am I going to say?
I better start thinking aboutthis.
But, and so it did really forceme.
(26:57):
And then I in turn asked someof my people in my community and
my mentorship what do you wantyour legacy to be?
And one of them said you'realways pushing us to think,
aren't you?
Well, it's just because we need.
We need those pushes, thosegentle nudges, and I realized
(27:21):
that truly, I wanted my legacyto be one of courage.
I come from a long line of fearmongers and I talk about it in
the book.
My grandma was.
She gave into fear and shenever left the house.
But my dad, who was a carboncopy of her, overcame fear and
(27:48):
became a pastor and a publicspeaker and led many people to
the Lord and that has had aripple effect across countries
and worldwide.
As he's led even.
There was an even an atheist inour little town that he would.
He would follow every day notevery day, but he would.
(28:12):
He would meet them at his houseand follow him to milk his cow
after he came home from work andjust sit there and just be with
him and talk to him.
And this guy came to know theLord and became a missionary to
Mexico.
He's still there.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Um, many souls have been saved because of that, and
so I wanted to follow in mydad's path, and I have, uh, as
far as being public, but it tookme a while, and you'll read in
the book.
It took me a while to face whatGod was asking me to do to go
public and to build a platform,and it's scary for we women, but
(28:55):
the thing about a legacy is, inthis stage of life, we realize
that we don't have much timeleft.
We've lived likely over half ofour lives.
It's time to stop messingaround.
It's time to stop playing small.
It's time to start doingwhatever it is that God wants us
to do next.
(29:15):
And, honestly, it's not thathard to figure out.
If you look at what the desiresare, if you're meeting with the
Lord, look at the gentle nudgesthat he's giving you and the
desires that you already have,and a lot of times we just
(29:36):
question well, why do I want todo this?
Oftentimes, it's been put therebecause God put it there right
and don't question it so much.
So think about what do you wantyour legacy to be and how does
that line up with your desires?
Speaker 1 (29:53):
That's so good.
That's so very good.
It's so important I use thephrase all the time what brings
you joy, what makes you comealive inside when you start
talking about things that you?
Want to do, or gifts that Godhas placed inside of you.
They're not there by accident.
How can you use those indifferent areas?
(30:16):
And what does that look like?
What makes you just absolutelycome alive and press into that?
That's so, so very good, ruthie.
Tell us how we can find thisbook, please.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Okay, well, you can go to that.
You can try two differentthings.
One is easier than the other.
You can either go toauthenticonlinemarketingcom
slash book that is my website oryou can go to RuthieGraycom,
and either way you will get tothe book page and you can read
(30:49):
all about it and you can orderthe book.
It's everywhere.
It's books a million, it'sTarget, it's, you know, walmart,
it's Amazon, all the places,and you can get a digital copy
or you can get a hard copy,which I recommend the hard copy
because it's it's fun to holdand it's fun to write in, it's
(31:12):
the answers to your questionsand it's it's soft and it's got
a nice little grippable matcover and I'm holding it.
I'm holding the proof.
I'm holding the proof right now.
So Mary is salivating as shesees me, I know.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
I am.
I can't wait.
I can't wait to get mine.
It needs to hurry up and gethere already.
Oh, that's so good.
Well, I will have all of thatinformation in the show notes so
everybody can just click rightthrough and order their copy.
Ruthie, thank you so much forbeing with me today and talking
about the book.
It was such an honor to haveyou on the podcast again.
(31:50):
If I could have you on here allthe time, I would.
I love talking with you.
You bring such life and joy andencouragement.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
I do too.
We have, and your podcast isjust.
It's about all the topics thatI'm living or have lived in the
last 10 to 15 years, likemenopause and all that other
junk.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
Yes, all that other junk, all the other stuff, we
really do need some kind ofhandbook, some kind of guide.
I mean, you know, we just needsome kind of guide for all of
this stuff.
Well, thank you so much foryour contribution to helping all
of us navigate this new seasonin the back 40, giving us hope
(32:33):
and encouragement, pushing us alittle bit to step out of our
comfort zones and take chancesand risks and think about what
effect we are having on thegenerations behind us and what
we're going to be leaving as wenavigate the next season of life
.
So I really do appreciate youbeing here and thank you
(32:56):
everyone for joining us foranother episode of the back 40
podcast.
I will have all of Ruthie'sinformation, including links to
the book, in the show notes.
So y'all take care and we'llsee you on another episode soon.
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