January 28, 2025 • 19 mins
No marriage this side of glory is perfect. Dennis and Barbara Rainey are joined by Bob Lepine to help you avoid repeating mistakes and instead turn them into something that will strengthen your relationship.
What You’ll Learn in this episode:
- The Importance of Understanding: Discover why getting to the heart of why something affects your spouse is more meaningful than just knowing what to avoid saying or doing.
- Rookie Mistakes Are Normal: Hear Dennis and Barbara talk about the rookie mistakes they made in their early years of marriage and learn why these mistakes are a natural part of growing together.
- Handling Differentness: Understand how recognizing and appreciating the innate differences between men and women can enhance your relationship.
- The Value of Perseverance: Learn why it’s crucial to stick together through thick and thin, adapting and growing in love over the years.
- Biblical Blueprints for Marriage: Get insights on how having a shared biblical foundation can help couples navigate life's challenges together.
Fun Fact from the Episode:
Did you know that teasing as a form of affection can backfire? Bob shared a funny yet insightful anecdote about how teasing, which was normal in his family growing up, didn't translate well with his wife Marianne, particularly when he pointed out her pimples. It’s a prime example of a rookie mistake that many can learn from! 😄
Timestamps
00:00 "Rookie Season Until Parenthood"
03:56 Photographer Saves Wedding Day Drama
07:49 Family Affection Through Teasing
12:03 "Velveteen Rabbit: Love's True Beauty"
15:43 Humorous Marriage Anecdote
18:18 "Barbara Rainey's Wisdom Subscription"
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Announcer (00:00):
Barbara Rainey says there's an art to understanding
your spouse.
Barbara Rainey (00:05):
The real issue in all of these differences that
we have in marriage, it'slearning why did that affect her
that way. And when you do that,that communicates love. It
communicates I wanna know you. Iwanna understand you. But it's
not just figuring out what therules are.
Okay. I can't say that becausethat was a mistake. I can't say
it, but it's moving beyondknowing what works and what
(00:26):
doesn't work. It's not aformula. It's figuring out who
is this person, what's importantto this person.
Announcer (00:34):
Welcome to the Barbara Rainey podcast from Ever
Thine Home. We're dedicated tohelping you experience God in
your home. Thanks for listening.You know, college football
coach, Bear Bryant, said, whenyou make a mistake, there are
(00:55):
only 3 things you should ever doabout it, Admit it, learn from
it, and don't repeat it. Thatadvice can be good in marriage
too.
But, sometimes, figuring outyour spouse or exactly what
mistake to avoid isn't asstraightforward as analyzing a
football game. Dennis andBarbara Ramey are here with Bob
(01:18):
Lapine, to help us think throughsome things related to marriage.
In the last episode, the Rameysdiscussed the first couple of
rules in their list of 10 rules.Today, they'll hit 2 more of
those rules. The Rainey's know alittle something about marriage,
partly because they've beenmarried since 1972.
Barbara Rainey (01:39):
Not bad. Hard to believe though.
Dennis Rainey (01:41):
It is hard to believe. We were just a pair of
pups, starting out a number ofyears ago.
Bob Lepine (01:45):
And you talk about the idea that marriage is not
about happiness, you talk aboutmarriage giving a man a chance
to step up and finish growingup. And then you also talk about
the rookie season of marriage.
Dennis Rainey (01:57):
Did you have a rough rookie season as a
husband? Well, ask theeyewitness. I think every man
has a rookie season in marriage.I mean, I really do. Did Dennis
have a rough rookie season?
Barbara Rainey (02:10):
I don't feel like we had a really rough
rookie season, and I don'treally know why. I think we
definitely had a rookie season.It was more than 1 year because
I think that rookie season forus lasted until we had our first
child, and then that was whenthings began to change because
there was a a lot of pressureadded to our relationship
because of this person, this newperson who needed me all the
(02:32):
time, and he had to divide. Hegot divided attention for me all
of a sudden, and that was whenthe real rub started in our
relationship. But, yeah, I mean,he made mistakes.
I'd made mistakes. We didn'tknow what we were doing. We'd
never done this before, and weboth made lots of mistakes in
those first two years, which iswhat I would consider our rookie
season.
Dennis Rainey (02:51):
Some guys make their rookie mistakes early in
the season in their marriagerelationship. I witnessed 1 a
number of years ago at a weddingwhere, the husband, as they were
exchanging the cake you know howthey'll take he'll take a piece
of cake in his hand, and thebride will take a piece of cake
in her hand. They'll intertwinetheir arms and feed each other.
Bob Lepine (03:11):
The piece of cake. The piece of cake. That's a
sweet moment.
Barbara Rainey (03:14):
That was very romantic.
Dennis Rainey (03:15):
Yeah. Symbolic. Right? Yeah. And this this
rookie took the chocolate cakewith the chocolate icing Yeah.
And he smeared it Oh. All overthe bride's face. Kind of
Bob Lepine (03:27):
a playful move on his part. Right? Exactly.
Dennis Rainey (03:30):
And then all over her shoulders Oh. And down her
arms. And there were thosewatching as this rookie mistake
occurred. You know, therethere's places for your rookie
mistake to occur, better inprivate than in public,
especially within the first hourof your marriage, you know.
Yeah.
And, there were those who rushedin to assist the bride, not not
(03:53):
the groom. There were there wasHe was on his own. There were
some relatives that, I saw whotook care of the groom. They
wanted to take him out back andwork him over, but the
photographer walked up and beganto minister grace, let's just
call it that, to the bride whowas crying Yeah. Wiping off the
chocolate spirit all over herface and shoulders and and
(04:15):
everything and kinda trying tobring things back together.
And it wasn't long after thatthey headed off onto their their
honeymoon, and I happen to knowthis couple, and I I know what
the father-in-law did for thegroom as they came back from
their first part of theirhoneymoon they went on, there
was a giant box. I don't know, 2feet by 2 feet by almost 2 and a
(04:40):
half feet high. K. Full ofPopples. The the stuffing
Styrofoam.
Barbara Rainey (04:45):
Packing Styrofoam. Packing Styrofoam.
Peanuts. Yeah.
Dennis Rainey (04:47):
Packing. And What'd you call those? Popples?
Is that That's what I called it.Okay.
That's what that's a popularterm that I use. Okay. That's
right.
Barbara Rainey (04:55):
I feel good for you. I just didn't
Bob Lepine (04:57):
want anybody going to Google
Dennis Rainey (04:58):
and looking up Popple and trying
Bob Lepine (04:59):
to find out what that is.
Dennis Rainey (05:00):
Well, anyway, this father-in-law had taken the
package, and he had wrapped itin a package inside the middle
of this box. So the son-in-lawhad to dig through all of the
packing material Mhmm. Popples.Yeah. The Popples.
And find the package, and thenhe had to get into the package
(05:20):
and open it up. And there in thecenter of the package, as he
opened it all up, was a finegoblet, and it had a note had a
note from the father-in-law Yep.To the son-in-law. Yep. And it
it basically, as I recall thestory, read something to the
effect, your bride, sloth mydaughter, is like a fine goblet.
(05:44):
If you treat her with care andwith gentle encouragement and
love, she will last a lifetime.Signed, I love you. And the
father in law's name, I'm I'msure he signed it dad or
Bob Lepine (05:59):
Whatever. Right. Whatever. But it didn't say, PS,
don't go smear no more cake onher ever again?
Dennis Rainey (06:06):
It didn't. You think you got the point? I don't
think it said that. Yeah. But, Ithink you got
Bob Lepine (06:10):
the point. So would you look back and say there was
a big rookie error?
Dennis Rainey (06:16):
I would have to say if there was a rookie error
that I repeated year after yearafter year in our marriage where
it again, the principle is it'sokay to have one rookie season.
It's not okay to repeat it.
Barbara Rainey (06:28):
Mhmm.
Dennis Rainey (06:30):
What had to have been around scheduling, and as
we had children, and of justunderestimating how fast, how
far, how long my wife could runwith me. Would you agree that
Bob Lepine (06:42):
this was a rookie mistake?
Barbara Rainey (06:44):
Yeah. I would. And I I'm not sure that I would
have phrased it quite asspecifically, but I think that's
a great illustration. I think itwas failing to understand how
different I was as a woman, andI think it's true for me too. I
mean, I think it works for boththe woman's side and the man's
side.
I mean, I've never lived with aman before, and so I'm learning
about men by living with myhusband who is learning about
(07:06):
becoming a man. So that's rightthere is room for all kinds of
mistakes. And he was learningabout living with me as a woman.
He'd never had a sister.
Mhmm.
He'd never been married before. He didn't know
much about women. And I thinkhis framework was, he expected
me to be able to keep up withhis pace. He expected me to
(07:26):
think like he thought in certainareas. And that just took a
long, long time for thatunderstanding to go, oh, she
really is different.
Oh, she really doesn't see lifethe way I do. She doesn't feel
the things that I feel. Shedoesn't whatever. I mean, I just
think that would be our rookiemistake, was that understanding
(07:47):
of our differentness is male andfemale.
Bob Lepine (07:49):
Let me toss in some rookie mistakes from our family,
just a few that I was guilty ofthat are right in the same vein
where we just looked at lifedifferently. In my family
growing up, one of the ways youexpressed affection to one
another is you teased. Youteased and you poked fun at
people, and that was a way ofsaying, I really think you're
special. K? Mhmm.
(08:10):
That did not that was not what Idid not with Mary Anne? Was not
on Mary Anne's frame ofreference for how to express
affection or receive affectionis to be teased at. K? Here's
another thing. In our familygrowing up, we were pretty much
out in the open about kinda whatwas going on in all aspects of
life.
So if I came down to thebreakfast table, it would not
(08:32):
have been unusual for my mom tosay, I don't know if you know,
but you have a pimple on yourforehead. K? And I go, oh,
thanks. Right? So when my wifecomes down to the breakfast
table, and I go, I I don't knowif you know, but there's a
pimple on your and she cries.
She cry I thought I was beinghelpful. Helpful. And she cries.
(08:54):
These are rookie mistakes youdon't wanna repeat over and over
again.
Dennis Rainey (08:57):
No. You've gotta learn from your rookie errors,
and then you gotta say, you knowwhat? It's okay to have one
rookie season. It's not okay torepeat it.
Barbara Rainey (09:06):
It's not only learning from your rookie
mistakes to not repeat them, butit's also learning why did Mary
Anne cry when you said that?What what was it about that that
because you were trying to behelpful. So it's not really that
what you said was in and ofitself wrong, but it was how she
heard it. And to me, that's thereal issue in all of these
differences that we have inmarriage. It's learning, why did
(09:29):
that affect her that way?
And when you do that, thatcommunicates love, it
communicates, I wanna know you,I wanna understand you, and
maybe you get to the placeeventually where that stuff
doesn't bother her anymore andmaybe you don't, but it's not
just figuring out what the rulesare. Okay. I can't say that
because that was a mistake. Ican't say it, but it's moving
beyond knowing what works andwhat doesn't work. It's not a
(09:51):
formula.
It's figuring out who is thisperson, what's important to this
person. Right.
Bob Lepine (09:57):
Getting to the heart of
Barbara Rainey (09:57):
the issue.
Bob Lepine (09:58):
Not just having Exactly. Not having a checklist
to do's and don'ts for marriage
Barbara Rainey (10:02):
Right.
Bob Lepine (10:02):
But understanding, I know how you think so I can
begin thinking for. I yeah.
Barbara Rainey (10:07):
Don't wanna go there because that's hurtful.
And I think most young coupleswalk into it and say, okay. Tell
me the 5 things I need to do.Mhmm. Because we all approach
relationships.
We approach life that way. Tellme the things that will work so
that I can do them so that I canavoid pain, so that I can have a
happy marriage or whatever.
Dennis Rainey (10:25):
And the verse we should have quoted a bit earlier
is first Peter chapter 3 verse 7where it commands husbands,
husbands, live with your wivesas a fellow heir of the grace of
life in an understanding way sothat your prayers may not be
hindered. And the challenge hereis to get out of your own self
and realize marriage is about 2unique people becoming 1. That's
(10:49):
what we're commanded to do inGenesis chapter 2 verse 24. The
2 shall become 1, and you're notgonna become 1 without thinking
of the needs of the otherperson.
Bob Lepine (11:01):
I'm I'm still learning. There's there's one
I'm I'm that's still fresh forme. Okay? And it's this. If
we've talked about something andI think we've concluded we've
reached a decision, I reallyneed to verify that that she
agrees we have reached
Barbara Rainey (11:18):
a conclusion.
Laughing because we've been there and done that.
Yeah. We still
Bob Lepine (11:22):
because I'll be moving ahead with something, and
and Mary Anne will say, I didn'trealize we had decided this. And
I will say, well, I thought we'dtalked about this.
Barbara Rainey (11:29):
Will you tell Mary Ann that she and I are
thinking on the same page?Because I've said that so many
times.
Bob Lepine (11:34):
She will say, we did talk about this, but I didn't
think we decided
Dennis Rainey (11:38):
in your mind.
Barbara Rainey (11:39):
Talking about it and deciding are 2 different
things.
No doubt. Yes. And talking about it
Bob Lepine (11:45):
talking about it. You still may not have decided.
Dennis Rainey (11:48):
Alright? Well, that's close to be a rookie
mistake. Close to let's move on
Bob Lepine (11:53):
to, another one of the rules about marriage you're
not gonna learn in school. Thisis for engaged couples, and this
one comes from the VelveteenRabbit, Barbara.
Barbara Rainey (12:02):
Mhmm.
Bob Lepine (12:02):
What is this rule?
Barbara Rainey (12:04):
Well, the Velveteen Rabbit is a children's
story, and it's about a littlebunny rabbit that is a new gift
to a little boy. And it lives inthe nursery, and it becomes the
little boy's favorite toy. Andat the end of the story, the
rabbit has been well loved. Andthe way we know the rabbit has
been well loved is because it's,all its fur has been loved off
and one of the button eyes ismissing, but it's still even
(12:26):
though it's not as cute as itwas at the beginning, it's still
a little boy's favorite toy. Andso that's the illustration that
backs up rule number 4, which isit takes a real man to be
satisfied with and love 1 womanfor a lifetime.
And conversely, it takes a realwoman to be content with and
respect 1 man for a lifetime.
Bob Lepine (12:46):
Because we look beat up after a few years,
Barbara Rainey (12:48):
isn't it? Yeah. That is the truth. We do look
beat up after a few years, andyou've gotta be committed to
love and be committed to therelationship because there will
be there will be ups and downs,and you will, lose some of your
button eyes.
Dennis Rainey (13:02):
Well and the culture sends these messages,
trade her in. Get a better one.Yeah. Trade him in. I mean, you
can find a guy who can get it.
I mean, this guy's really slowabout, you know, knowing how to
care for your needs. And that'snot what covenant keeping love
looks like for a lifetime. It's2 imperfect people who don't
(13:23):
give up, but who are in theprocess of learning what it
means to truly love anotherimperfect human being. And
that's what this is getting athere. And and for most engaged
couples, this is a process youstart when you go through the
engagement.
You're gonna find out somethings where you need to learn
how to love and begin to to lovethem in such a way that you cast
(13:45):
the fear out of them.
Bob Lepine (13:46):
You, you have a habit of quoting famous
theologians who aren't famoustheologians. I'll quote sir Paul
McCartney who's not a famoustheologian, but he said, Will
you still need me? Will youstill feed me when I'm 64? And
that's what we we don't thinkabout being 64.
Barbara Rainey (14:05):
When we're standing at the altar.
Bob Lepine (14:07):
Yeah. We we don't imagine the 64 year old versions
of ourselves. And if we did, wewould probably run away in
fright, but that's a part ofwhat, we're pledging to one
another. When I'm 64 or 74 or84, I'm still there, and I'll
still need you, and I'll stillfeed you.
Dennis Rainey (14:27):
Yeah. And it's enrolling in a in a lifetime
school of love, and it's it'srealizing you're never gonna
graduate. You're not gonna getout of the school until a
lifetime's walk is over, either,by the death of 1 of the 2 of
you, but it's that you're gonnatake the hard lessons that you
(14:48):
learned, and you're gonna you'regonna grow through them, and
you're gonna love the otherperson, and you're gonna realize
sometimes it's 2 steps forwardand 3 backwards, and you just
don't quit. And someday, you'llbe like we are. You'll wake up
some morning, and go, can youbelieve we have been married for
4 decades?
(15:08):
I mean, that's a long time tolove one another. But I can tell
you this, I really wouldn'twanna start over. I mean,
there's so there's so much oflife, of the adventure, of
shared experiences that Barbaraand I have enjoyed over our
lifetime in creating a family of6 kids, 5 of whom are now
(15:29):
married, 19 grandkids as oftoday. Got some more coming, we
think, in in the future. Butthat's the payoff.
That's the great benefit of notquitting in a relationship.
Bob Lepine (15:43):
Thinking about the Velveteen Rabbit, I had a pastor
friend who dared me to tell thisjoke, so I'm gonna take the
dare. Okay? He said that a manand his wife were sitting down
at the breakfast table in theirsixties one day, and the husband
said to the wife, sweetheart,when we were first married, he
said, we lived in a dumpy littleapartment. We had a beat up old
car. He said, but it's alright,because I went to bed every
(16:07):
night with a 23 year old babe.
He said, today, we got abeautiful home, we got a nice
new car. I'm going to bed with a60 year old woman. He said, I
don't think you're holding upyour part of the bargain. To
which the wife said, sweetheart,if you wanna go find yourself a
23 year old babe to go to bedwith, I guarantee you, you'll be
living in a dumpy old apartment,driving a beaten up old car.
(16:32):
There is something about do youthink we could get away with
that?
Dennis Rainey (16:36):
I don't know. We'll we'll see who writes us on
that one.
Bob Lepine (16:39):
But there is something about recognizing
that, you know what? We're goingthe distance together, and we're
gonna love one another in spiteof the flaws and the
imperfections because that's theassignment God's given us.
Barbara Rainey (16:51):
Mhmm. And it's worth it.
Bob Lepine (16:52):
Yeah.
Dennis Rainey (16:52):
It really is worth it. And, I have the same
friend. You haven't got the sameone. I just want our audience to
make note that I didn't take thechallenge.
Bob Lepine (17:01):
You didn't take the paper? And I did.
Dennis Rainey (17:03):
And Bob did. I I read that, and I
Barbara Rainey (17:06):
go, no.
Bob Lepine (17:07):
I don't think so.
Dennis Rainey (17:08):
You know, all kidding aside, I really have a
passion for helping engagedcouples, those contemplating
marriage, start their marriageout with as much as is possible.
Now, it's not totally possiblebecause we're human beings, we
have unrealistic expectations,but helping engaged couples
(17:29):
start out with the right set ofblueprints, so when when these
things start coming at them, andlife starts piling on, they know
how to handle it. They canabsorb the shocks of life
because they have the biblicalblueprints to build their
marriage and family from. And,life has a way of throwing some
(17:50):
tough circumstances at a coupleover your lifetime. It's not
gonna be love forever ever afterwith some kind of romantic warm
fuzzy in your heart, for alifetime, you're gonna have some
challenging days.
And when you do, you have tohave the right blueprints, the
biblical blueprints that youshare together as a couple, and
(18:12):
a commitment to the one whowrote those blueprints, Jesus
Christ.
Announcer (18:18):
That's wise counsel from Denis Rainey, his wife
Barbara, and their friend, BobLapine. Hey, there's lots more
wisdom for your family and homeat barbaraney.substack dot com.
For only $5 a month, you cansubscribe to Barbara's friends
and family and get the insidescoop on projects Barbara's
working on along with specialarticles and letters. Be sure to
(18:43):
check it out at barbararaney.Substack.com.
And if you subscribe, you'll beable to listen to the rest of
this series, Beyond the FairyTale, 10 Rules for a Marriage
That Lasts. The next 2 episodeswill be available to subscribers
only. Thanks for listeningtoday. Be sure to hit like on
(19:05):
this podcast and pass the wordon to others who would
appreciate it. And we'll see younext time for the Barbara Rainey
podcast from ever thine home.
Barbara Rainey says there's an art to understanding
your spouse.
Barbara Rainey (00:05):
The real issue in all of these differences that
we have in marriage, it'slearning why did that affect her
that way. And when you do that,that communicates love. It
communicates I wanna know you. Iwanna understand you. But it's
not just figuring out what therules are.
Okay. I can't say that becausethat was a mistake. I can't say
it, but it's moving beyondknowing what works and what
(00:26):
doesn't work. It's not aformula. It's figuring out who
is this person, what's importantto this person.
Announcer (00:34):
Welcome to the Barbara Rainey podcast from Ever
Thine Home. We're dedicated tohelping you experience God in
your home. Thanks for listening.You know, college football
coach, Bear Bryant, said, whenyou make a mistake, there are
(00:55):
only 3 things you should ever doabout it, Admit it, learn from
it, and don't repeat it. Thatadvice can be good in marriage
too.
But, sometimes, figuring outyour spouse or exactly what
mistake to avoid isn't asstraightforward as analyzing a
football game. Dennis andBarbara Ramey are here with Bob
(01:18):
Lapine, to help us think throughsome things related to marriage.
In the last episode, the Rameysdiscussed the first couple of
rules in their list of 10 rules.Today, they'll hit 2 more of
those rules. The Rainey's know alittle something about marriage,
partly because they've beenmarried since 1972.
Barbara Rainey (01:39):
Not bad. Hard to believe though.
Dennis Rainey (01:41):
It is hard to believe. We were just a pair of
pups, starting out a number ofyears ago.
Bob Lepine (01:45):
And you talk about the idea that marriage is not
about happiness, you talk aboutmarriage giving a man a chance
to step up and finish growingup. And then you also talk about
the rookie season of marriage.
Dennis Rainey (01:57):
Did you have a rough rookie season as a
husband? Well, ask theeyewitness. I think every man
has a rookie season in marriage.I mean, I really do. Did Dennis
have a rough rookie season?
Barbara Rainey (02:10):
I don't feel like we had a really rough
rookie season, and I don'treally know why. I think we
definitely had a rookie season.It was more than 1 year because
I think that rookie season forus lasted until we had our first
child, and then that was whenthings began to change because
there was a a lot of pressureadded to our relationship
because of this person, this newperson who needed me all the
(02:32):
time, and he had to divide. Hegot divided attention for me all
of a sudden, and that was whenthe real rub started in our
relationship. But, yeah, I mean,he made mistakes.
I'd made mistakes. We didn'tknow what we were doing. We'd
never done this before, and weboth made lots of mistakes in
those first two years, which iswhat I would consider our rookie
season.
Dennis Rainey (02:51):
Some guys make their rookie mistakes early in
the season in their marriagerelationship. I witnessed 1 a
number of years ago at a weddingwhere, the husband, as they were
exchanging the cake you know howthey'll take he'll take a piece
of cake in his hand, and thebride will take a piece of cake
in her hand. They'll intertwinetheir arms and feed each other.
Bob Lepine (03:11):
The piece of cake. The piece of cake. That's a
sweet moment.
Barbara Rainey (03:14):
That was very romantic.
Dennis Rainey (03:15):
Yeah. Symbolic. Right? Yeah. And this this
rookie took the chocolate cakewith the chocolate icing Yeah.
And he smeared it Oh. All overthe bride's face. Kind of
Bob Lepine (03:27):
a playful move on his part. Right? Exactly.
Dennis Rainey (03:30):
And then all over her shoulders Oh. And down her
arms. And there were thosewatching as this rookie mistake
occurred. You know, therethere's places for your rookie
mistake to occur, better inprivate than in public,
especially within the first hourof your marriage, you know.
Yeah.
And, there were those who rushedin to assist the bride, not not
(03:53):
the groom. There were there wasHe was on his own. There were
some relatives that, I saw whotook care of the groom. They
wanted to take him out back andwork him over, but the
photographer walked up and beganto minister grace, let's just
call it that, to the bride whowas crying Yeah. Wiping off the
chocolate spirit all over herface and shoulders and and
(04:15):
everything and kinda trying tobring things back together.
And it wasn't long after thatthey headed off onto their their
honeymoon, and I happen to knowthis couple, and I I know what
the father-in-law did for thegroom as they came back from
their first part of theirhoneymoon they went on, there
was a giant box. I don't know, 2feet by 2 feet by almost 2 and a
(04:40):
half feet high. K. Full ofPopples. The the stuffing
Styrofoam.
Barbara Rainey (04:45):
Packing Styrofoam. Packing Styrofoam.
Peanuts. Yeah.
Dennis Rainey (04:47):
Packing. And What'd you call those? Popples?
Is that That's what I called it.Okay.
That's what that's a popularterm that I use. Okay. That's
right.
Barbara Rainey (04:55):
I feel good for you. I just didn't
Bob Lepine (04:57):
want anybody going to Google
Dennis Rainey (04:58):
and looking up Popple and trying
Bob Lepine (04:59):
to find out what that is.
Dennis Rainey (05:00):
Well, anyway, this father-in-law had taken the
package, and he had wrapped itin a package inside the middle
of this box. So the son-in-lawhad to dig through all of the
packing material Mhmm. Popples.Yeah. The Popples.
And find the package, and thenhe had to get into the package
(05:20):
and open it up. And there in thecenter of the package, as he
opened it all up, was a finegoblet, and it had a note had a
note from the father-in-law Yep.To the son-in-law. Yep. And it
it basically, as I recall thestory, read something to the
effect, your bride, sloth mydaughter, is like a fine goblet.
(05:44):
If you treat her with care andwith gentle encouragement and
love, she will last a lifetime.Signed, I love you. And the
father in law's name, I'm I'msure he signed it dad or
Bob Lepine (05:59):
Whatever. Right. Whatever. But it didn't say, PS,
don't go smear no more cake onher ever again?
Dennis Rainey (06:06):
It didn't. You think you got the point? I don't
think it said that. Yeah. But, Ithink you got
Bob Lepine (06:10):
the point. So would you look back and say there was
a big rookie error?
Dennis Rainey (06:16):
I would have to say if there was a rookie error
that I repeated year after yearafter year in our marriage where
it again, the principle is it'sokay to have one rookie season.
It's not okay to repeat it.
Barbara Rainey (06:28):
Mhmm.
Dennis Rainey (06:30):
What had to have been around scheduling, and as
we had children, and of justunderestimating how fast, how
far, how long my wife could runwith me. Would you agree that
Bob Lepine (06:42):
this was a rookie mistake?
Barbara Rainey (06:44):
Yeah. I would. And I I'm not sure that I would
have phrased it quite asspecifically, but I think that's
a great illustration. I think itwas failing to understand how
different I was as a woman, andI think it's true for me too. I
mean, I think it works for boththe woman's side and the man's
side.
I mean, I've never lived with aman before, and so I'm learning
about men by living with myhusband who is learning about
(07:06):
becoming a man. So that's rightthere is room for all kinds of
mistakes. And he was learningabout living with me as a woman.
He'd never had a sister.
Mhmm.
He'd never been married before. He didn't know
much about women. And I thinkhis framework was, he expected
me to be able to keep up withhis pace. He expected me to
(07:26):
think like he thought in certainareas. And that just took a
long, long time for thatunderstanding to go, oh, she
really is different.
Oh, she really doesn't see lifethe way I do. She doesn't feel
the things that I feel. Shedoesn't whatever. I mean, I just
think that would be our rookiemistake, was that understanding
(07:47):
of our differentness is male andfemale.
Bob Lepine (07:49):
Let me toss in some rookie mistakes from our family,
just a few that I was guilty ofthat are right in the same vein
where we just looked at lifedifferently. In my family
growing up, one of the ways youexpressed affection to one
another is you teased. Youteased and you poked fun at
people, and that was a way ofsaying, I really think you're
special. K? Mhmm.
(08:10):
That did not that was not what Idid not with Mary Anne? Was not
on Mary Anne's frame ofreference for how to express
affection or receive affectionis to be teased at. K? Here's
another thing. In our familygrowing up, we were pretty much
out in the open about kinda whatwas going on in all aspects of
life.
So if I came down to thebreakfast table, it would not
(08:32):
have been unusual for my mom tosay, I don't know if you know,
but you have a pimple on yourforehead. K? And I go, oh,
thanks. Right? So when my wifecomes down to the breakfast
table, and I go, I I don't knowif you know, but there's a
pimple on your and she cries.
She cry I thought I was beinghelpful. Helpful. And she cries.
(08:54):
These are rookie mistakes youdon't wanna repeat over and over
again.
Dennis Rainey (08:57):
No. You've gotta learn from your rookie errors,
and then you gotta say, you knowwhat? It's okay to have one
rookie season. It's not okay torepeat it.
Barbara Rainey (09:06):
It's not only learning from your rookie
mistakes to not repeat them, butit's also learning why did Mary
Anne cry when you said that?What what was it about that that
because you were trying to behelpful. So it's not really that
what you said was in and ofitself wrong, but it was how she
heard it. And to me, that's thereal issue in all of these
differences that we have inmarriage. It's learning, why did
(09:29):
that affect her that way?
And when you do that, thatcommunicates love, it
communicates, I wanna know you,I wanna understand you, and
maybe you get to the placeeventually where that stuff
doesn't bother her anymore andmaybe you don't, but it's not
just figuring out what the rulesare. Okay. I can't say that
because that was a mistake. Ican't say it, but it's moving
beyond knowing what works andwhat doesn't work. It's not a
(09:51):
formula.
It's figuring out who is thisperson, what's important to this
person. Right.
Bob Lepine (09:57):
Getting to the heart of
Barbara Rainey (09:57):
the issue.
Bob Lepine (09:58):
Not just having Exactly. Not having a checklist
to do's and don'ts for marriage
Barbara Rainey (10:02):
Right.
Bob Lepine (10:02):
But understanding, I know how you think so I can
begin thinking for. I yeah.
Barbara Rainey (10:07):
Don't wanna go there because that's hurtful.
And I think most young coupleswalk into it and say, okay. Tell
me the 5 things I need to do.Mhmm. Because we all approach
relationships.
We approach life that way. Tellme the things that will work so
that I can do them so that I canavoid pain, so that I can have a
happy marriage or whatever.
Dennis Rainey (10:25):
And the verse we should have quoted a bit earlier
is first Peter chapter 3 verse 7where it commands husbands,
husbands, live with your wivesas a fellow heir of the grace of
life in an understanding way sothat your prayers may not be
hindered. And the challenge hereis to get out of your own self
and realize marriage is about 2unique people becoming 1. That's
(10:49):
what we're commanded to do inGenesis chapter 2 verse 24. The
2 shall become 1, and you're notgonna become 1 without thinking
of the needs of the otherperson.
Bob Lepine (11:01):
I'm I'm still learning. There's there's one
I'm I'm that's still fresh forme. Okay? And it's this. If
we've talked about something andI think we've concluded we've
reached a decision, I reallyneed to verify that that she
agrees we have reached
Barbara Rainey (11:18):
a conclusion.
Laughing because we've been there and done that.
Yeah. We still
Bob Lepine (11:22):
because I'll be moving ahead with something, and
and Mary Anne will say, I didn'trealize we had decided this. And
I will say, well, I thought we'dtalked about this.
Barbara Rainey (11:29):
Will you tell Mary Ann that she and I are
thinking on the same page?Because I've said that so many
times.
Bob Lepine (11:34):
She will say, we did talk about this, but I didn't
think we decided
Dennis Rainey (11:38):
in your mind.
Barbara Rainey (11:39):
Talking about it and deciding are 2 different
things.
No doubt. Yes. And talking about it
Bob Lepine (11:45):
talking about it. You still may not have decided.
Dennis Rainey (11:48):
Alright? Well, that's close to be a rookie
mistake. Close to let's move on
Bob Lepine (11:53):
to, another one of the rules about marriage you're
not gonna learn in school. Thisis for engaged couples, and this
one comes from the VelveteenRabbit, Barbara.
Barbara Rainey (12:02):
Mhmm.
Bob Lepine (12:02):
What is this rule?
Barbara Rainey (12:04):
Well, the Velveteen Rabbit is a children's
story, and it's about a littlebunny rabbit that is a new gift
to a little boy. And it lives inthe nursery, and it becomes the
little boy's favorite toy. Andat the end of the story, the
rabbit has been well loved. Andthe way we know the rabbit has
been well loved is because it's,all its fur has been loved off
and one of the button eyes ismissing, but it's still even
(12:26):
though it's not as cute as itwas at the beginning, it's still
a little boy's favorite toy. Andso that's the illustration that
backs up rule number 4, which isit takes a real man to be
satisfied with and love 1 womanfor a lifetime.
And conversely, it takes a realwoman to be content with and
respect 1 man for a lifetime.
Bob Lepine (12:46):
Because we look beat up after a few years,
Barbara Rainey (12:48):
isn't it? Yeah. That is the truth. We do look
beat up after a few years, andyou've gotta be committed to
love and be committed to therelationship because there will
be there will be ups and downs,and you will, lose some of your
button eyes.
Dennis Rainey (13:02):
Well and the culture sends these messages,
trade her in. Get a better one.Yeah. Trade him in. I mean, you
can find a guy who can get it.
I mean, this guy's really slowabout, you know, knowing how to
care for your needs. And that'snot what covenant keeping love
looks like for a lifetime. It's2 imperfect people who don't
(13:23):
give up, but who are in theprocess of learning what it
means to truly love anotherimperfect human being. And
that's what this is getting athere. And and for most engaged
couples, this is a process youstart when you go through the
engagement.
You're gonna find out somethings where you need to learn
how to love and begin to to lovethem in such a way that you cast
(13:45):
the fear out of them.
Bob Lepine (13:46):
You, you have a habit of quoting famous
theologians who aren't famoustheologians. I'll quote sir Paul
McCartney who's not a famoustheologian, but he said, Will
you still need me? Will youstill feed me when I'm 64? And
that's what we we don't thinkabout being 64.
Barbara Rainey (14:05):
When we're standing at the altar.
Bob Lepine (14:07):
Yeah. We we don't imagine the 64 year old versions
of ourselves. And if we did, wewould probably run away in
fright, but that's a part ofwhat, we're pledging to one
another. When I'm 64 or 74 or84, I'm still there, and I'll
still need you, and I'll stillfeed you.
Dennis Rainey (14:27):
Yeah. And it's enrolling in a in a lifetime
school of love, and it's it'srealizing you're never gonna
graduate. You're not gonna getout of the school until a
lifetime's walk is over, either,by the death of 1 of the 2 of
you, but it's that you're gonnatake the hard lessons that you
(14:48):
learned, and you're gonna you'regonna grow through them, and
you're gonna love the otherperson, and you're gonna realize
sometimes it's 2 steps forwardand 3 backwards, and you just
don't quit. And someday, you'llbe like we are. You'll wake up
some morning, and go, can youbelieve we have been married for
4 decades?
(15:08):
I mean, that's a long time tolove one another. But I can tell
you this, I really wouldn'twanna start over. I mean,
there's so there's so much oflife, of the adventure, of
shared experiences that Barbaraand I have enjoyed over our
lifetime in creating a family of6 kids, 5 of whom are now
(15:29):
married, 19 grandkids as oftoday. Got some more coming, we
think, in in the future. Butthat's the payoff.
That's the great benefit of notquitting in a relationship.
Bob Lepine (15:43):
Thinking about the Velveteen Rabbit, I had a pastor
friend who dared me to tell thisjoke, so I'm gonna take the
dare. Okay? He said that a manand his wife were sitting down
at the breakfast table in theirsixties one day, and the husband
said to the wife, sweetheart,when we were first married, he
said, we lived in a dumpy littleapartment. We had a beat up old
car. He said, but it's alright,because I went to bed every
(16:07):
night with a 23 year old babe.
He said, today, we got abeautiful home, we got a nice
new car. I'm going to bed with a60 year old woman. He said, I
don't think you're holding upyour part of the bargain. To
which the wife said, sweetheart,if you wanna go find yourself a
23 year old babe to go to bedwith, I guarantee you, you'll be
living in a dumpy old apartment,driving a beaten up old car.
(16:32):
There is something about do youthink we could get away with
that?
Dennis Rainey (16:36):
I don't know. We'll we'll see who writes us on
that one.
Bob Lepine (16:39):
But there is something about recognizing
that, you know what? We're goingthe distance together, and we're
gonna love one another in spiteof the flaws and the
imperfections because that's theassignment God's given us.
Barbara Rainey (16:51):
Mhmm. And it's worth it.
Bob Lepine (16:52):
Yeah.
Dennis Rainey (16:52):
It really is worth it. And, I have the same
friend. You haven't got the sameone. I just want our audience to
make note that I didn't take thechallenge.
Bob Lepine (17:01):
You didn't take the paper? And I did.
Dennis Rainey (17:03):
And Bob did. I I read that, and I
Barbara Rainey (17:06):
go, no.
Bob Lepine (17:07):
I don't think so.
Dennis Rainey (17:08):
You know, all kidding aside, I really have a
passion for helping engagedcouples, those contemplating
marriage, start their marriageout with as much as is possible.
Now, it's not totally possiblebecause we're human beings, we
have unrealistic expectations,but helping engaged couples
(17:29):
start out with the right set ofblueprints, so when when these
things start coming at them, andlife starts piling on, they know
how to handle it. They canabsorb the shocks of life
because they have the biblicalblueprints to build their
marriage and family from. And,life has a way of throwing some
(17:50):
tough circumstances at a coupleover your lifetime. It's not
gonna be love forever ever afterwith some kind of romantic warm
fuzzy in your heart, for alifetime, you're gonna have some
challenging days.
And when you do, you have tohave the right blueprints, the
biblical blueprints that youshare together as a couple, and
(18:12):
a commitment to the one whowrote those blueprints, Jesus
Christ.
Announcer (18:18):
That's wise counsel from Denis Rainey, his wife
Barbara, and their friend, BobLapine. Hey, there's lots more
wisdom for your family and homeat barbaraney.substack dot com.
For only $5 a month, you cansubscribe to Barbara's friends
and family and get the insidescoop on projects Barbara's
working on along with specialarticles and letters. Be sure to
(18:43):
check it out at barbararaney.Substack.com.
And if you subscribe, you'll beable to listen to the rest of
this series, Beyond the FairyTale, 10 Rules for a Marriage
That Lasts. The next 2 episodeswill be available to subscribers
only. Thanks for listeningtoday. Be sure to hit like on
(19:05):
this podcast and pass the wordon to others who would
appreciate it. And we'll see younext time for the Barbara Rainey
podcast from ever thine home.
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